This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
TWITTER/INSTA: @themediumRU
dec. 5th, 2018
Volume LVI 69¢ Issue ??? AT LEAST MARS HAS SHINY ROCKS
NASA'S MARS INSIGHT LANDER NEEDS TO GET ITS SHIT TOGETHER BOT JOPLIN WANTS TO FOLLOW YOU
MARS— If you’ve somehow been able to avoid the nonstop barrage of headlines this week, NASA landed on Mars (again) last Monday. Since then, the space agency has literally been on everyone’s dick about it, constantly reminding the American public of how mind-bendingly great their InSight lander is doing on the red planet. It is, of course, objectively amazing that man managed to touch down on extraterrestrial soil, but it’s only been six years since the last time we did this, and the coverage is starting to feel a little self-aggrandizing. InSight’s moment in the lowintensity Martian sun was shortlived, however. In just its second week on the job, InSight was
IT'S SERIOUSLY PLAYING CANDY CRUSH? What a waste of our gosh darn tax payer dollars!
completely outshone by its own forbear. The Curiosity rover, which until recently held the title of NASA’s most recent and hottest Mars landing, might have had reason to worry about
its reputation if InSight hadn’t turned out to be such a fucking slacker. We all know adjusting to a new job can be tough, but the new kid on Mars doesn’t even seem to be trying. Last week, InSight, dumb Continued on Page 2
FINE, I'LL JUST BEAT OFF ELSEWHERE
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER RUINED BY TUMBLR PORN BAN JEN DIRBENDER FITS LIKE A GLOVE
LOCATION— When No Nut November ended just a few days ago, meat beaters across the globe warmed their hands, broke out the Jergens, and collectively did their best to make God cry. With the annual month of masturbationlessness behind them, it seemed that things were looking up for the jackers and jillers of the world. But little did they know, a dark future lay on the horizon. Tumblr.com, a site known best known for social justice and porn has announced that starting on December 17th, it will be banning all “not safe for work” content from the site. This deci-
PUT A PICTURE ON THAT BOX Great, now make these lines funny and embed your fucking link
sion, intended to make the site more comfortable for younger users, has been described as “bad” by long time users of the site.
“ Now where am I supposed to find Naruto inflation porn alongside a 100 page fan fiction about the first time Shikamaru
In Genuine Pain Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
Rutgers Professor accused of crop dusting students in front row No, I don't want to eat your peppermint bark, gross Chick-fil-a to open a new location every time someone says "Happy Holidays" Laura Ingraham backed by Taliban, Ben Shapiro Man tattoos beard on to face, fools everyone he knows Santa's factory to produce line of peppermint flavored adult toys
the Medium
NEWS
AMERICA'S RETAIL EMPLOYEES STILL REELING FROM BLACK FRIDAY THROBIN WILLIAMS ONE OF THEM
B R I D G E WAT E R — R e t a i l wokers across the country are still recovering from yet another brutal holiday weekend. The Department of Labor Statistics report that nearly 55 percent of all employees suffered a life threatening injury during their Black Friday shift. "A man literally ripped the heart out of my sales manager's chest," Macy's Manager Trish Martin said "it was absolutely gruesome. But that's retail." According to local police officers and mall security personel, this year saw the bloodiest Black Friday since the release of the Nintendo Wii.
WHAT A DUMB ASS ROBOT
I COULD FIND SOME SHIT
circle things and all, was spotted just roving around the surface of Mars, claiming to be on the hunt With Christmas reering for “internal heat.” Meanwhile, its head around the corner Curiosity proved it was still employees are rushing to heal young and full of pep Monday their wounds before the next when it mercilessly zeroed in on bout of crazed holiday shoppers. a shiny, unidentified object, dis "A lot of my employees are covering it for all mankind. resorting to alternative healing methods," Martin said. "I know The object, which has one guy said he was going been described as a “mysterito walk around with broken ous, lustrous lump,” might be glass in his shoes so he could either a meteorite or some type focus on physical pain, rather of native mars rock. than the emotional abuse from NASA has already ancustomers." nounced that they hope this Despite talk that Amazon shiny object may provide some is killing retail, most employees insight into the presence of life report that retail is still killing of Mars, so it’s safe to say that them. At press time, America's Curiosity is banging hard. Inretail employees were seen Sight, on the other hand, has taking a long, sullen drag from a been proving itself more incomcigarette behing the Cheesecake petent by the day. InSight reFactory's dumpster. portedly spends its time digging
I'D PUT A BIRD IN THAT BUSH ;)
WITH DEATH OF H.W., GEORGE JR. BAGS TITLE OF SEXIEST BUSH SUE DENIM TAPERED, NOT BOOTCUT
Fall 2018
themedium.news@gmail.com
"Wash your towel this weekend. It's musty."
RETAIL WORKERS DON'T COUNT AS PEOPLE!
Editorial Staff
Wednesday, December 5th, 2018
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Managing Editor Marissa Schwartz Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
News Editors Dan Cretella Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Jeff Zhang Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
...continued from front
holes of completely arbitrary size and spacing, in hopes of “understanding the formation of the planet.” Things are looking pretty grim for this newcomer, but experts are hoping to see it pull through given the dire circumstances Earth could be facing in the coming decade. Science man Elon Musk weighed in unprovoked. "If this dumb robot doesn't find anything good up there, it's gonna make it a lot harder for me to convince the world's elite and wealthy to pick up and move to mars before Manhattan is under water." At press time, NASA reported that InSight was totally acclimating to the new position and is hot on the trail of a vast trove of riches.
THERE'S OTHER PORN
...continued from front
realized he gets hard as fuck whenever Choji uses his signature jutsu?” asked the owner of chidori-inside-me.tumblr.com. This question and many like it have been echoed across the site in the days since the ban’s announcement. The sheer volume of complaints has been staggering, and has many wondering if the Tumblr staff have ever even used their site. Conservative estimates place the number of accounts to be banned at: all of them. Public outcry has been massive, with all manner of degenerates voicing their opinions including furries, toonphiles, BDSM enthusiasts, age-players, and my uncle Dennis. Many members of these groups have decided to boycott the site in protest, in an extremely ironic attempt to have the decision reversed. It is currently unclear what site the displaced perverts will flock to in response to this adversity, but my money is on Reddit.
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Zoe Sifnakis Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Wisdom Teeth
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in the Livingston Student Center. This issue is dedicated to Stephen Hillenburg
Wednesday, December 5th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES “I smoke Lamp Oil”
YEAH, I DO NEWS NOW, WHAT OF IT?
Man Tying Shoelaces of Rutgers Partygoers Still on the Loose By Concerned Aglet
As if Rutgers partygoers did not have enough to worry about, a dangerous lunatic is on the loose with a new tactic. Instead of using date-rape drugs, the reported man ties victims’ shoelaces together and tugs on their legs in order to ruin their night. There have been numerous attacks reported. “I was totally caught off guard. There I was, swaying back and forth to the latest Travis Scott track, and then I noticed that my Jungle Juice was not overflowing as it should. When I went to get some more, BLAM, I fell face first. Then I started being dragged by my feet in the middle of the dance floor. After a few seconds, I stopped moving and turned around to see my shoes tied and no one was there,” explained one shocked freshmen. Many shared a similar experience. People are minding their own debaucherous activities, proceed to take a step and immediately eat shit. Surprisingly, no one has ended their night after experiencing this. After a few tugs of the victim, the man will immediately leave. We’ve consulted the Rutgers Tug-Of-War club for more information on the art of tugging. The president, Samueleth O Hammersmith, has this to say: “When you tug a man - or woman as we are inclusive in the Tug O War Club - a considerable amount of weight is on the other end. Like a lot of weight. Even a 90 pound freshmen pounding beers can be a problem when it involves tugging. Tugging is not like lifting, carrying, dragging. Tugging is the ultimate test of human might. I wouldn’t be surprised if a regular person couldn’t be up to the challenge” Another partygoer had a much more colorful things to say about the mad shoelace-tying criminal, “What is with this shoelace jackoff? Why can’t he uphold the tradition of of using hard drugs to make people unconscious. What’s wrong with the classics such as Roofies and Roaches. The new ones are great to, like the ol’ G-Juice or the smooth and sensual Somatomax. Frankly, I am very disappointed in the ilk coming into Rutgers”. There has been no headway into finding this shoelace tying extraordinaire. Campus police say they are on the lookout, but that would detract from more pressing issues, such as reporting robberies they’ve failed to prevent on their automatic messaging system. Stay safe out there fellow aglets.
DID YOU KNOW... I’M JORDAN PETERSON’S SON?? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER THINGS I DREAM ABOUT AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 201B AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
the Medium
“THAT’S VINTAGE”
10 Things You Can do to Make Your Friends Say “That’s Vintage” By Girl who likes Brower 1-Pay for your laundry with quarters instead of paying with you. By Girl who likes Brower 2-Sing “Get Lucky”. 3-Wear velcro sneakers. 4-Prohibit your wife from working outside the house. 5-Drink with a plastic straw. 6-Eat dunkaroos. 7-Grow out your sideburns. 8-Die of the plague. 9-Move into a tenement house. 10-Wear bell bottoms with little bells affixed.
WHAT A PREDICAMENT
Is It Worth Contacting Your Ex for This Object? By Elon Thrust We know, the breakup was a bit awkward. Maybe even a little messy. So, is it worth it to text or call your ex to get back a personal belonging left at their house? We’ll let you know! Television - If it is 42 inches and a flat screen, or if 55 inches and not flat screen, or if it is has an OLED screen made within the past three years, or if you left your Netflix and Hulu accounts logged in, then yes. Your favorite Hawaiian shirt - Fuck yes. Any video game system - Yes. Prized family locket that has been passed down for generations - no.
STILL DOING NEWS, FIGHT ME
Santa’s Little Elves Replaced with Migrant Workers
By A Christmas Fan The caravan has finally reached the North Pole. After going through constant blizzards and freak storms, the migrants set up camp at the outskirts of Santa’s little toyshop. The Elf union had tried their best to negotiate with Old Saint Nick, but at the end of the month their last ditch effort fell through. Many of the Elf workers are displeased. “After all my hard effort creating these toys for all the boys and girls in the world. AND MY OVERTIME WORK! I was the one who helped Will Ferrell while he was here for a whole year for his role in Elf. Goddamn method actors,” explained the disgruntled Squeakers. The Elves were kicked out for the cheaper labor. Now your Christmas presents are being made by the people of the South America. Children are in charge of the knick-knacks and smaller toys. They are creating race cars, dolls, and the teenagers are doing the adult toys. The women are creating your Nintendo Switches and the men have all the coal. Santa seems to be pleased with the result. An enthusiastic Santa says,“Sure there are still problems. The language barrier is tough. Thankfully Mrs. Clause minored in Spanish so we are working on it. Christmas might be a little late this year, but the amount of money saved will definitely be shown in next years batch!”
the Medium
OPINIONS “See, no one cares about hanukkah!”
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What is the Worst Gift you Recieved for the Holidays? “A bottle of Kirkland hand soap” Jared Plant Aunt was trying to tell him something.
“When that Jesus guy died for my sins... talk about dramatic.” Saint Peter Well someones not very greatful.
“My father dying on his way to get my N64, I never got to play Zelda.” Melanie Chase Totally not a sociopath. THE KING OF PSYCHOLOGY
Spongebob and the “Secret Formula” Against Neo-Marxist Propaganda: An Academic Dissertation BY JORDAN B. PETERSON
It was with great dismay and utter despondent sorrow that I had come to learn of Stephen McDannell Hillenburg’s untimely passing by amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. Like many before him, he had tragically succumbed to desiring the forbidden fruit and paid the price, a portentous fate foretold for epochs. Adam and Eve consumed the apple and wrought forth the original sin, Gilgamesh’s quest for immortality concluded in acquiescence to the seed of death, and I myself was befallen great insomnia and overcome with Goliathan doom following a single glass of cider. My previous manuscript merely outlined twelve rules for life, but my unwritten thirteenth is that the intestine and rectum must be sanctified by a pure carnivorous diet. Much like cleansing the room, cleansing the anus is a crucial tenet of vitality. And indeed, much like the anus, stories have served as man’s vital excretions, of his mythos, beliefs, and nexus of meaning. Their power is unparalleled, axiomatic, and permeates everywhere from The Gulag Archipelago to Disney’s Pinocchio. Throughout his seminal magnum opus, Spongebob Squarepants, Hillenburg was able to carry forth the torch of such axioms with a timeless animated classic that transcended barriers of age, background, and interspecies bestial fetishists. Numerous critics and scholars fixate their deliberation upon the protagonists of Hillenburg’s tale; the eponymous naive sponge, Patrick, the oafish starfish with an unkempt rock, Sandy, the sciurus neo-Marxist radical feminist SJW dragon presiding in a sterile safe-space bubble, or Squidward, the octopedial liberal arts student indoctrinated
EROTIC FICTION
Wednesday, December 5th, 2018
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
Santa is Real Because He Touched My Penis
BY TED FREDRICKSON The year was 1986, it was Christmas eve and I could not wait to see what sort of presents I had in store for me this Christmas. I had asked Santa for the new Nintendo Entertainment system, I was so excited. I had just turned 16 so I was a lot more mature and thoughtful about meeting Santa that night. I had several cups of coffee to avoid going to sleep at my usual 8 PM bedtime and I waited by the fireplace for Santa to show up. My mom kept trying to convince me that Santa wasn’t real, but I didn’t believe her. She even showed me this gifts she got for me, but I knew there was no way they weren’t from Santa. I waited by the fireplace all night until at around 11 PM I suddenly hear a knock on the door. I went to answer it and there he was. Santa Claus standing right in front of me. I was speechless. He then said, “well kid, you gonna let me?” I was too amazed to answer, so I just moved to the side and he walked in. What was a bit strange was he was not wearing his usual attire. He was dressed in rubber boots, which I guess is similar to what he normally wears, a dark green plaid shirt, a pair of dirty jeans, I guess from all the chimney climbing, and his classic red hat and coat, which also looked a bit dirty for the same reason. Besides for this different look, I could tell it was definitely Santa. As he settled himself on the couch he began eating the cookies and milk and told me they were delicious. And the first words I spoke to him were, “I made them, I’m glad you liked them.” Then he said, “Well, boy it seems there are a lot of things about you that I like” and he grabbed me by my penis. I was both frightened and honored by what had just happened. I could feel his Christmas magic pulsing from my ball up through my entire body. I then heard my mother scream. She had proceeded to call the cops and got Santa arrested. Santa is now in prison and the government covered it up. So the reason Santa No longer comes down your chimney at night is not because he does not exist it is because of my stupid mom. My mom keeps telling me it was not Santa, but I still don’t talk to her. Peterson continued...
However, amidst being subsumed by this sideshow of colorful characters, an amalgamous Jungian shadow of the worst of man, viewers fail to study the archetypal best. He is the living incarnation of all 12 Jungian archetypes and more; I am of course referring to Mr. Eugene Harold Krabs, boss of the Krusty Krab fast food emporium. Krabs is the metaphysical embodiment of the Chad; he is a free market venture capitalist proprietor who is fearless of grifting consumers for profit and standing above the competition, with no socialist regulations to mar his business. He abides by a purist carnivore diet and has enough pragmatic, masculine, charismatic conservative wiles to convince his followers to abide by transactional voluntary cannibalism. His elongated claws are the quintessential Freudian symbols of the erect male phallus. Above all, he is a distilled allegory for the alpha lobster, an apex crustacean towering over his natural hierarchy. His nervous system subsists on raw serotonin, carrying his energetic aggression through every shift. Perhaps his one ignomiable flaw was failing to engineer an efficient enforced monogamy system, unlike his business archrival Plankton and his A.I. spouse Karen. But alas, Krabs is as mortal as any homo sapien man; he exists in a relentless, grinding, fish-eat-fish world of Leviathan suffering, a world which requires him to divert his time and sexual energy toward a business subsisting off the impressionable, lonely hierarchical bottom feeders. Rest in peace, Mr. Stephen Hillenburg. May your brilliant allegorical prowess continue to trigger radical leftists and line my Patreon wallet.
Wednesday, December 5th, 2018
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ARTS
“The worst part of being an Uber driver are all the rap song references.”
DOTW: SEX TOY STORY BY LOU SKUNT
the Medium
REAL XMAS MUSIC BY LOU SKUNT
BIG RED UNIT BY LOU SKUNT
MARS BORDER PATROL BY LOU SKUNT
PERSONALS
the Medium
“Now a weekly twitter complition!”
Googly Eyes
Dating Apps
Rock Music
I recently discovered an instagram account dedicated to posting albums with googly eyes.
I have been on dating apps for a year and have found no one to match to. What’s wrong with me?
Steve Buscemi wearing that Music Band t-shirt saying “How do you do, fellow kids?“ is still one of the funniest images in my head. Way funnier than the “they did surgery on a grape“ shit.
(Yes. Please go follow @recordswithgooglyeyes. It’s not mine. I just found it particularly entertaining. Especially the Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane over the Sea one.) Unpopular Opinion: everything is better with googly eyes on.
(Set it to the other sex and see what you are up against. Usually it’s douchy frat guys and girls wearing almost nothing. The world is apparrently into that now.)
Wednesday, December 5th, 2018
themedium.personals@gmail.com
QOTW
“Boo.“
(There is no sit-com in this -People at Tyler Perry’s day and age that can top 30 Rock. “I’ve taken this boat movies Is it me or do attrac- to Denver“ is still one of tiveness on dating apps the funniest lines said on TV.) change really significantSpeaking of In the Aero(Until you go home and sit ly through the year? plane over the Sea, do on the vibrator with googly (It is actually a season you know that the last eyes on that you definitely thing. In this paper, I will line of that sound when have. Now I have this pic- present my studies that Jeff Magnum says “Can’t ture in my head and I blame attractive people move to believe how strange it is/ you.) Bumble through spring and To be anything at all.“ I fall, while being on Tinder just feel like there’s no Popular Opinion: everythrough summer and win- thought in the world that Dentist Complaints thing starts with unpop- ter, the data below. . . ) has been deeper than ular opinion just autothat. Can someone recom- It’s almost Christmas and How about Hinge? matically makes me not mend me a dentist? I you haven’t made a sin(That’s not how you meet (That line must kill in wanna read it. smoke and drink a lot gle Christmas joke. people. Attractive people 2007.) (It’s people actually wanna don’t wanna date. Or they of coffee now I think my complain/call out some- don’t wanna date people People listening to play- current dentist is getting (No, before you ask, I’m not Jewish. I’m not gonna argue lists and and people listhing and they don’t have they don’t really know. mad at me. the 17 different spellings of the gut to do it. And that Alright, I can’t do this any- tening to albums are two Hannukah with you.) (I don’t think they really makes me very upset cuz I more. I don’t know shit very different kind of care? They are making First time I heard All I say all kinds of shit here and about attractive people. I’m people. money off you or your in- want for Christmas is nobody holds me account- a 6 tops.) (I just have like 3 albums on surance. But yeah when able to it.) rotation every month or so. they stare into your eyes You, I thought Maria CarBy the way, A Brief Inquiry while doing business in ey wanted to fuck Santa. Into Online Relationships your mouth, they do look (Wait. She doesn’t? I have fucking bangs. I love the real judgy.) so many questions. About Rock Music + Googly Eyes! 1975.) I can feel my wisdom the movie Glitter above all The 1975 fucking sucks. tooth coming out and things.) They sound all cringy it hurts the back of my So radio stations can’t and nasaly. neck. I had to hit my dab play Baby It’s Cold Out(You have a minute and a pen so many times today side now? That song did sound rapey to me. half to fill a sock with quar- just so I can work. ters. Then you and me. (The pain does not stop. The (Per my fellow editors, it’s Outside.) pain never stops. But yeah about the inside jokes in the Rejected joke of the I’d recommend you going 50s and the girl actually week: Person stayed up to an orthodontist and get wanted to stay at the guy’s all night still didn’t get it out. They also hook you place? 50s was a very conup on gas and give you the fusing time for a lot of us. lucky. There was meth in diet pills good painkillers.) (The Daft Punk joke in and pregnant women can 2018 is really vintage. I That’s how we ended up smoke cigarettes.) don’t even know how to deal with the opioid epidem- Are we done for the Mewith it.) ic. dium this year? What happened for Daft (You need to tell that to the (Almost, stay tuned for the Punk? Wasn’t Random doctors. Stop giving people theme/Meet the Medium isAccess Memory their last opioids to treat their pain.) sue next week! ) album? But I can’t hit my dab Build shit with us at our pitch meetings. (They were literal robots all pen after dental surgery. along. After 2012 they were (Oh well. GG WP. ) Seriously, we need actual funny called back to maintanance and never came back. In this people. We haven’t had any paper I will theorize Daft good writers in years. It could be you! Punk’s rise as an AI technological innovation and. . . ) What are you waiting for?
Wednesday @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 201B
grab a crayon and draw in the space above your very own personals which we intentionally left blank! Send in your submissions to themedium.personals@gmail.com!
Wednesday, December 5th, 2018
themedium.a7@gmail.com
PAGE A7
“All I want for Christmas is a Juul-”an overworked college student
the Medium
Jesus Apologizes For Overshadowing December Birthdays
By Jesus Christ Dies for Sins
Cloud Nine, Heaven-Hey guys, Jesus here...I’m sorry. You know it being December and my birthday coming up soon I was getting
really excited. The crisp chill in the air, beautiful decorations on the houses in the neighborhood, Santa delivering presents to all the good boys and girls, all for me! I couldn’t believe that I was able to bring so much joy to everyone just for being born. But then I started to think and I realized that for some, Christmas is their least favorite time of year. People that were also born in December resent me, it eats me up inside. They feel like they have to choose between the most joyous time of year and the anniversary of when my Dad sent them here. I believe the source of this resentment is the fact that rather than getting double the amount of presents, they only get half. People born in other months get gifts on their birthday and then even more gifts on mine. People born in December are forced into having a combined birthday with me, and everyone knows that one person always gets overshadowed at those parties. I’ve been talking to our Father and we agree that the best way to address this is by making it a sin for parents to not give their December born children triple the amount of presents as other kids. In fact if they do not they will be sent straight to Hell. That way everyone will be happy and love me and there won’t be any problems. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Birthday to me!
Bad Videogame Analysis-De Blob
By Richard Hunter Projecting
For those of you not in the know, De Blob is a simple but satisfying puzzle platformer starring the titular “blob”, some kind of life form that can absorb color and transfer it to any surface he touches. The game tries to tell you that the story goes like this: the evil “INKT” corporation has sucked all the color from the world, and Blob has to put it back. This is the child-friendly story that De Blob tricks your parents into buying the game for innocent children with, but a little bit of digging will reveal the truth. As I’m sure you all know, the gay pride flag is black, brown, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. Blob can paint the world any one of the last seven colors on that list, with the exception of black. This is because black and white are the colors of the INKT corporation, and also the colors of the straight flag. So obviously, at the core of De Blob is a conflict between gay people and straight people, and the player character leads the charge of the gays. This is exactly the liberal propaganda that the left wants to infect our children with, brainwashing them with pro-gay ideals. And you know what? De Blob is so arrogant, they rub their plan right in the faces of the innocent consumers they’re corrupting. Regularly throughout the game, you’ll be able to “liberate” the citizens of the world by turning them from a perfectly normal gray to all different colors of the rainbow. De Blob is turning your children gay, and isn’t even trying to hide it. Protect yourself, play something innocent like Mass Effect, and don’t even think of buying this propaganda.
October 10th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com IT'S OFFICIAL: CLEVELAND IS THE WORST SPORTS CITY IN AMERICA
C LE V E LA ND C AVA LI E R S ' HOME GAMES ATT E NDA N C E FA LLS F RO M 2 0,562 TO 10 ROBIN BANKS CHEATER
CLEVELAND— The “Lebron Effect” is in full effect in Cleveland, Ohio. During the 2017-2018 season, the Cavaliers were averaging a home game attendance of 20,562, which is full capacity for the Quicken Loans Arena. However, on Saturday’s game versus the Boston Celtics, there was an NBA record low attendance of 10 people. Among the spectators was Cleveland Cavaliers’ obviously self-named super fan, LBJ23 and a visibly dejected Cavaliers owner, Dan Gilbert. Many analysts argue that the reason for such a low attendance is because of a recent rumor that all of the Cleveland players were infected with a highly contagious strain of syphilis from their offseason partying. While this is highly likely to be true, it is widely argued that the loss of the kid
Party For Ten Children birthday parties are more exciting
from Akron resulted in this low attendance. Surprisingly missing from the game were the families of the Cleveland players. A report by the Quicken Loans Arena reported that a grand total of zero family members showed
up to Saturday’s game. This is a stark contrast from last season where of the 60 seats that were reserved for family, all were occupied. When asked whether or not their families only came to the games to watch Lebron, most players vehemently
denied such suggestions. The most surprising explanations given by the players include: “My dog ate the tickets” and “My grandmother died for the fifth time”. After the game, The Medium, wearing full body suits, gained exclusive access to the Cavaliers’ locker room. Although spirits were low, a few of the players had high hopes for their futures. A surprisingly sober JR Smith quipped, “We goin’ all the way this year. We went to the Finals last year, but this time we gettin’ another ring”. When asked about Lebron James’s departure from the team, Smith added, “Bron leavin’ definitely hurt. But what everyone forgets is that Lebron wasn’t the whole team. We still got Love, Tristan, and Collin.”* . *Editor’s Note: Remember that after you have an abysmal record this upcoming season.
THE POWER OF NEW YORK
YANKE E S FA NS B OYC OT T A NY T HING RELATED TO BO S TO N: R E D LO B S T E R G O E S BANKRUPT ROBIN BANKS YANKEES FAN
NEW YORK— With the ALDS between the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox underway, the bitter rivalry between the two cities has been rekindled. Fans of both cities, wondering whether a team will win the next game causes their overall health to suffer. However, that is not the only thing suffering this postseason. Beginning on October 8, Yankees fans across the country have agreed to boycott all things related to Boston, including lobster.
Boycott Red Lobster Hey, bring your kids
With over 70 locations in the Tri-State area, Red Lobster futures indicate an imminent bankruptcy for the company as
of all the leftover lobsters. “We have about 300 lbs. of lobster stored in our freezer right now. With a freeze life of a couple of days, they’re bound to spoil.”, said Rhett Stevens, manager and employee of the month. With Yankees fans devoid of their lobster, they will look towards the Raritan River for their seafood needs. In the meantime, Red Lobster is negotiating a deal with Rutgers a result of this boycott. Many University to hand over all the Red Lobster managers are less possibly spoilt lobsters for next worried about the state of the semester’s King Neptune Night. jobs than the careful distribution
frustrated with chris ash SInce 1970