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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
Feb. 13th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE IV 50¢ RITE OR WRONG OF PASSAGE
GIRLS ACROSS THE COUNTRY YEARN FOR BETTER RITE OF PASSAGE THAN SEXUAL ASSAULT NIFTY KNITTER STILL ON THE SAME SCARF
NEW BRUNSWICK — Trump is president, priests molest kids and rape culture is the culture in which we live. Amidst all of this, young boys and girls are growing up believing this is normal. Now sexual assault is the hallmark of a girl’s passage into womanhood. But some young ladies wish for an alternative. “I just want a fun bat mitzvah or quinceañera,” cried Metuchen pre-teen Kelsey Norton. “It’s not fair that to become a woman, all I get to show for it is being groped by my geometry teacher.” On the other side of this cultural phenomenon are the sexual assaulters who deserve recognition for the critical role they play in the development of
THE DESPAIR FACED BY EVERY GIRL WHO JUST WANTS A FUN PARTY This isn't scary or alarming at all!
our nation’s young women. One man leading the charge is Paul Barker of Detroit, a cashier at the local Kroger grocery store. Paul explained what his experience assaulting girls means to him. “You know, I take my role with these girls very seriously.
Every time I assault one, I reflect on the fact that I have definitely and permanently altered the course of their life.” Across the country in Albuquerque, high school freshman Maria López geared up for her coming of age ritual Continued on Page 2
DADDY'S HOME IS KINDA WEIRD, ALSO THERE'S NO WATER
FATHER NATURE STILL HASN’T MOVED OUT OF WEIRD POST-DIVORCE EXOPLANET BOT JOPLIN WANTS TO CHAT WITH YOU
INT'L SPACE STATION — With planetary divorce rates hovering around 40% as of the last census report in 2002, no one was really surprised when Earth’s parents got divorced six years and 276 days ago today. Disappointed and confused maybe, but not surprised. The split certainly took its toll on both parties. A lengthy, emotionally-charged legal separation finally culminated in divorce, leaving Mother Nature with the proverbial lion’s share of the couple’s assets. In addition to keeping the planet the pair bought together after tying the knot and obtaining full
DADDY'S GIVING MOTHER NATURE SOME SPACE Father Nature got a cool condo in a faraway planet and is into yoga now.
custody of all its living creatures, Ms. Nature has been collecting alimony checks monthly per the settlement agreement. Ms. Nature reported she’s doing
very well on her own these days and bears no ill will towards her ex-husband. She did, however, voice concern about his current Continued on Page 2
Fightin' the Machine Since 1970
QUICKIES
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NEWS
Wednesday, Feb. 13th, 2019
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"Two birds in one bush is worth three in the stink"
HE'S RUNNING
ASKING FOR A PARTY
Dog the Bounty Hunter Announces Bid for 2020
UMMM OK
...continued from front
by dressing in tight fitting jeans and a low-cut shirt, so everyone knew she was asking for it. She wanted to make sure she was doing it right, so she did her best to flirt with field hockey coach and always asked him for one-on-one practice after games. “I wish there was something else to mark my transition to womanhood,” ached Maria. “Like a party or even just a
corny Hallmark card, but having to go out of my way to seek out sexual assault doesn’t make me excited to become a woman.” Unfortunately, this is just how the world works for Kelsey and Maria and all other girls across the country. We can’t expect to change the culture of an entire nation, so embracing it seems like the best thing we can do.
CELESTIAL DAD BODS
MY NEURONS ARE JUST FIRING living situation:
RICHARD HERTZ DOESN'T DRIVE ANYWAY
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the reality of Donald Trump possibly being in jail for the 2020 election sets in, the GOP have been scrounging to find an appropriate replacement candidate that can match the needs of the diverse base that the Donald has carved. Republican lawmakers’ prayers were answered early this morning as reality show legend and American icon, Dog the Bounty Hunter announces his presidential run for 2020. “We’re all kicking ourselves for not thinking of it sooner” says senate majority leader and shriveled up turtle Mitch McConnell. Though you might not consider the two to be all that similar, the more you think about it the more sense it makes. Both are reality show stars that enjoyed many years of success, they both have a many children to various different wives, and above all they both rock that crisp orange skin aesthetic. However similar they may be, Dog seems to be the candidate that can unify the GOP in even moreso than the Donald. For starters, Dog is a self made man. Where Donald Trump relied
Editorial Staff Fall 2018
on small loans of a million dollars, Dog clawed his way to the top through the for-profit criminal justice system and good marketing. When Donald Trump is being a criminal in the posh 1% sort of way, Dog was backing up his friend in a drug deal gone bad glacking a pimp in the 70s. He loves the troops, and routinely made visits to bases to sign autographs even before becoming a presidential hopeful. He’s like the chad Trump, and after the president gets strong armed into pardoning his felony charge he will be the next president of the United States. He is already trying to merge party lines by choosing a running mate from the democratic party. Shortly after announcing his run he made public his choice of running mate, his choice is none other than Snoop Doggy Dog. The two are set to run on a platform of total Marijuana legalisation, Gun reform that involves giving every healthy adult an AR-15 when they turn 18, and giving all dogs the right to vote.
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Managing Editor Dan Cretella Business Manager Shaina Joseph Mascot Sick New Brunswick Cat
“He’s been in that same place since the divorce. It seems clean enough, but it’s really only suited to one person and I get a really weird vibe off that roommate of his. I don’t feel comfortable sending the kids to visit.” Father Nature, like many new divorcees, was forced to downgrade slightly after his exwife claimed Earth. Looking for an affordable place close enough that he could drop by to take the kids for dinner some nights, Mr. Nature settled on Kepler69c, an earth analog orbiting a G-type main-sequence star in the constellation Cygnus. “It’s actually a lot like home,” Mr. Nature told The Medium, “but it’s definitely hotter, probably too hot to sustain life. It’s a little bigger than Earth too, but a lot of that space is occupied by the thick water vapor-laden atmosphere that accumulated due to a runaway greenhouse effect.” Mr. Nature doesn’t see what’s so “kid-unfriendly”
...continued from front
about his place, though he acknowledges his roommate can be a little intimidating at first. An entrepreneur slightly beyond middle age, Mr. Nature’s roommate has paid off his mortgage and spends his days self-publishing his additions to the Archie Comics universe. In his idealized version of Riverdale, things are pretty much the same except it takes place on a planet orbiting a double-star system, and all the kids are half human, half dark spirit. “Like I said, I just wish he would have taken initiative and gotten a place of his own after six years,” Mother Nature continued, “I’m not letting the kids anywhere near that place as long as I can help it. The older guy who owns the place has all this weird stuff up on the walls. It’s not like, pornographic or anything but it’s pretty close. It’s kind of out of my hands once they turn eighteen though, I guess they’ll be able to go stay with their father if it means that much to them.”
PRINT MEDIA IS SOOOOO 2018 CHECK US OUT "ON THE LINE" WWW.ISSUU.COM/RUTGERSMEDIUM WWW.RUTGERSTHEMEDIUM.WORDPRESS.COM @THEMEDIUMRU ON TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM News Editors Marissa Schwartz Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Mike Celletti Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
Sports Editor Advait Suvarnakar Copy Editors Samuel Hammer Vickram Singh Secretary Marissa Schwartz Webmaster Max Broggi-Sumner Faculty Advisor William Field Resident Douche Ben Shapiro
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 201B. This issue is dedicated to our Editor-in-Chief's Grandmother for never believing in him!
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FEATURES
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MY ONE TRUE LOVE
Why My Significant Other Won’t be My Valentine this Year, but BenShapiro Will Be By Elon Thrust
Look, I love my girlfriend, but Ben Shapiro is my true valentine. At least I am being honest. I wouldn’t want to give her flowers and chocolate because that would just feel disingenuous. Plus, I don’t want to spend that much money with all the gifts I’m getting for Ben. I got him chocolates, photoshopped pictures of us, and a US constitution. I mean I hired an author to write an entire fan fiction about us. I feel like I should give back for what he has given me: guidance, facts, intelligence, fap fodder- so many things. I hope my girlfriend will understand.
I'D RATHER BE HOMELESS
DELICIOUS AAAAAND NUTRITIOUS
New and Improved Girl Scout Cookie Flavors! By D-Dog and G-Money
1. The LX bus - Tastes like it’s leaving without you. 2. Mango Juul Pod - Get your nicotine fix from your favorite food. 3. Mr. Peanut Butter - Mr. Peanut Butter and Girl Scout Cookies in the same room, is this a crossover episode?! 4. The Valentine’s Day Tastes like you’re gonna die alone. 5. Mystery White Cookie - Enjoy either the sweet taste of marshmallow fluff or the salty taste of semen. 6. Rick and Morty - Tastes like nothing is real, we’re all gonna die anyway. 7. Thin Mint Kush - A trippy twist on the OG mint flavor that gets you ~faded~. 8. Fat Sandwich - R U hungry yet? 9. Brower Pizza - When you have the munchies and need access to Brower pizza. 10. The RU Screw - Made with the blood, sweat and tears of Rutgers students.
THIS WILL TOTALLY SUCCEED
Top 5 Things Retail Taught Me That I Never Wanted to Know
How To Get A Last Minute Valentine's Day Date: A 3 Step Guide
By Heywood Jablomi
By Dick Veiney There may be many reasons why you want a Valentine’s Day date - to stop disappointing your parents, so the fraternity (or sorority) you’re pledging to won’t be ashamed to claim you, to show your roommate who is always s-exiling you that goddamit you can get it too. Or maybe it’s because you’re out of lotion. The why doesn’t matter, it’s all about the how. How are you going to do it? How will you pull through? Lucky for you, a straightforward, foolproof plan is available for you in this article. 1. Be attractive. Listen, some of us got hit by the ugly stick, and if you’re not one of those people - screw you, but it really does help when you’re attractive. Remember, if Ryan Gosling had done everything in The Notebook looking like Danny Devito, it would have been police cuffs around his wrists rather than a wedding ring on his finger. So the first step is to be found physically and/or sexually appealing by the opposite (or same) sex. Being emotionally or mentally appealing doesn’t really matter: remember, it’s one day. 2. Advertise yourself. Ask around and see who is free. Hand out resumes listing your best traits (‘I passed French'). Post it up on the buses. Sneak into dorms and slide your resume under the doors. Go to the dining hall and stick it in between the napkin basket and the ketchup. In the famous words of someone dead, there is no such thing as bad publicity. 3. Get a date. If you’ve followed the first two steps then you should have been able to get some interest. Not exactly the kind of interest you were hoping for? Now's not the time to get picky. If the RUPD wants to talk to you about ‘solicitation’, then why not enjoy it over a nice dinner of steak and wine? The girl who is still taking basic geometry as a sophomore? So what, you can calculate tip on your phone. The guy who wouldn’t look out of place at a Brony convention? So what, you probably had a horse phase too. Remember, you’ve got a lot riding on this success, and if you’ve done it right, you’ll be riding this success throughout the night.
1. All the lyrics to ABBA’s Dancing Queen. Retail stores only have about fifteen or twenty songs on their playlist, and holy shit, some of the songs were a lot worse, but none of them played as much as Dancing Queen. If you held me at gunpoint and made me sing it, I could do it perfectly, but I’d also probably rather you shoot me. 2. There’s nothing I like better than someone standing at the counter after their transaction telling me about their $30/hour desk job where they can slack off all day when I’ve been here for three and a half hours and have probably five more ahead of me. 3. Different types of cigarettes. Red is usually standard, yellow is light, silver is ultra light, green is menthol, unless you’re fucking pall mall or american spirit and taking up the entire goddamn rainbow. I’m sure my knowledge of cancer sticks will serve me well out in the world. Aren’t entry-level jobs supposed to teach you something useful? 4. How not to make soup. We had a soup counter, and every morning the shift leader would heat up the soup in the microwave so it would be ready for the rest of the day. Whenever I was assisting her, she’d always say “this isn’t the right way to do it, if you’re ever a shift leader you shouldn’t do it this way”. So what is the right way? Fuck if I know. I only ever saw her do it exactly how she told me not to, and when I quit I’d still never once seen her or anyone else heat it up the “right” way. 5. What a 2% raise feels like. It’s especially bad when your boss tries to play it off as a good raise instead of just saying “hey you suck, work harder and maybe next time we’ll pay you more”. When the only incentive they can muster up to keep you around is an extra 26 cents an hour, you don’t really feel much like hanging around. I wouldn’t have been more tempted to hang in my nametag if he’d ordered me to.
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 13th, 2019
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UNIVERSITY VOICES
It is Valentines Day Tomorrow, What is the Sexiest Thing You've Ever Done For Your Significant Other?
POINT: THE SKEPTIC
Hypnotism Isn't Real BY KAREN FENDERBRICK
Hypnotism is such a load of bullshit. Wow, “Decorated her cooler.” I seriously can’t believe Jonothan Femper that so many people actuRutgers University Mortuary ally believe in something Science Major. so obviously in-your-face nonsense. How do all these people keep falling for this crap?! No, uncle “Sex.” billy wasn’t ““““hypnoKylie Freizer tized””””. He pulled his Known for her creativity, but at least pants down and slapped his ass cheeks to the tune of “”. knows what men want. NEWSFLASH-- He does that every Christmas!! The fact that people come out in droves to see someone pretend to be coerced into doing the things they subconsciously wish they could do in public is sickening. It’s 2019!!! This is what is wrong with our society! It’s basically just glori“Saved her soul by sharing the fied therapy. BIG DEAL. We all go to therapy. The differgood words of Jesus Christ.” ence is that SOME of us don’t need to air our problems out in front of hundreds of people in the backroom of a Carl Lelkins Las Vegas strip club. Look, people can enjoy whatever has converted many women. they want. If they want to spend $147 to watch a bunch of people fake something for entertainment, they could just go back to the strippers. But by all means, it’s their DAMN HE'S SO COOL right to pay for it. Who am I to say what’s good entertainment. All I’m saying is that there is no evidence supI am Single By Choice! porting hypnotism and people should stop treating it like it’s science. BY SCOTT CAMBELL Hey all you love birds out there, go fuck yourselves. Being in a relationship is for virgins, something of which I am totally not because I’m cool and single and I get to sleep with whoever I want. I don’t have to worry about attachments or having to let someone know where I am 24/7. I’m a fucking free bird, bitch. I could be kidnapped or murdered and no one would even know. Of course I don’t really sleep around that much cause I don’t leave the dorm often, except for when my room wants to have his stupid girlfriend over and makes me leave which is kind of annoying. Sometimes I put my ear up against the wall and listen to them compliment each other as they kiss and wonder if I could ever--I MEAN… UH… make fun of them ‘cause they sound so dumb am I right? They sound so gross and childish. Telling each other things that perhaps I could one day… NEVER HEAR AGAIN!!! Cause it's so dumb. I also have so much money ‘cause I don’t have to spend it on a stupid girlfriend. I could use it to buy pints of ben and jerry’s ice cream, on sale video games that I hardly play but I buy because and The Lord of the Rings Extended Trilogy including behind the scenes footage, that I watch every weekend when my roommate is out with his girlfriend. By the way, if any one else is free this thursday I’m free all day.
COUNTER-POINT: WAIT A MINUTE!
Hypnotism Is Real BY KAREN FENDERBRICK
The art of hypnotism is absolutely, unequivocally, 100% real. I can’t believe that people actually think it’s fake! I mean, how else can you explain it? People go up on stage, stare at a watch moving back and forth, and then all of a sudden they think they’re Ruth Bader Ginsburg sentencing Donald Trump to . This shit is crazy!! I saw my uncle billy get hypnotized and let me tell you, he has never done anything like what he did on stage before. It was hilarious! Now I know what you’re thinking: I’m just some shill for Big Hypnotism. And to that I say: This is completely from the heart. I am completely of sound mind and body telling you that hypnotism is totally authentic. Look, if you don’t believe me, you should definitely check out Brian Andromeda’s Unbelievable Hypnotic Event tonight at 8! You’ll definitely be “““mesmerized””” Haha no he’s totally cool yup not Disney villain haha. Hypnotism is basically more legit than astrology.
Wednesday, February 13th, 2019
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PERSONALS
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Wednesday, February 13th, 2019
"The pain never stops!"
Valentine's Day
Attraction
Sex
I still don’t know where I should take my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day! Any ideas? (The fact that you waited this long to start considering it means that you could probably take her to McDonald’s and it would be a massive improvement from your normal level of thoughtfulness.) All three of my boyfriends made reservations for Valentine’s Day dinner! What do I do? (Hopefully they all picked the same place! That way all you need is three outfits and a lot of bathroom breaks!) What’s a good Valentine’s Day movie? (Die Hard! I don’t understand how people still argue about this! The sexual tension between Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman in that film is palpable!) I’m making a playlist of mood music for Valentine’s Day. Any suggestions? ("Molly Cyrus," "Ram Ranch," and "Epic Rap Battles of History: Darth Vader vs Adolf Hitler.")
I met this girl Stacey, and I really like her, but her mom really has it going on. What should I do? (Do nothing and eventually let those sexual urges manifest as a chart topping alt rock song.) How can I transmute my consciousness into the Kingdom Hearts universe so thicc Donald-Chan and tsundere Goofy-Senpai will finally notice me? (Just stick your head under water for a few minutes. When you start to see a light, head towards it and you should end up in a place where your sick fantasies can become a reality.) Is it weird that I get turned on whenever I stare at the ocean?
My pp 2 hard?! (No such thing my friend! Have you ever been on the internet? People will put much weirder shit inside them than your overly hard pecker.) My girlfriend’s nipples are so hairy they turn my tongue into a shag carpet everytime we fool around. It’s easily the most attractive thing about her. (You’re a very lucky man! Does she have a sister? Brother?) If plan B is a pill you take the day after having sex to prevent pregnancy, then what’s plan A? (I’m not sure, but plan C is a coat hanger.) I love my girlfriend but she won’t have sex with me until we get married. I’m dying of blue balls over here. (Try reminding her that the sinful nature of her contemporary lifestyle pretty much guarantees that she’s going to hell regardless of whether you deflower her. That should warm her up to the idea!) What are some cheap and simple ways to “spice things up” in the bedroom? (I’ve always been a fan of roleplaying! Dice are usually pretty inexpensive, and with a few lucky persuasion rolls you could probably get your sweetie to agree to anal!) My girlfriend came home with a box of Trojan: Fire and Ice condoms yesterday. Is my dick really that boring? (Oh my God those are real!? I thought those ads were just a really expensive practical joke! I could never imagine being so inadequate that my significant other needed to rub hot sauce on their junk just so they could feel something!) My boyfriend has been pushing me to let him fuck me without a condom lately.
(Finally someone else who understands the inherent eroticism of the sea! Think about it! So vast! So moist! All of those animals just living inside of it! So many depths to be plunged! Mmmm... and don’t even get me started on the flavor.)
We love you with all our heart!
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(Go for it! If my Facebook feed is any indication, getting pregnant in your early twenties is so in right now.)
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QOTW
"No." -The Cute Girl Who Sits in Front of Me in Pre-Calc
Courtship
Love
My parents always told me that honesty is the best policy, but I feel like, “Hey just so you know I have chlamydia.” isn’t a very strong pickup line. (Nah man, that’s a great way to find someone you have something in common with. Like that you both have chlamydia!) What’s the best way to meet a nice girl at Rutgers? (Oh that’s easy. The train station on College Ave is a great place to start. You just buy a ticket, travel home, and hope your town has some nice girls because God knows you won’t find them here.) I’ve been trying to get a girlfriend, but it’s so hard meeting people when the only women I’ve spoken to in the past three years are my mother and my sisters. (Oh my God the Pornhub viewership metrics are starting to make perfect sense.) I posted my chloroform pantry, zip tie box, and a to-scale floor plan of my apartment’s basement dungeon on Tinder for cuffing season, but I’m still not getting any matches. Pretty disappointed that they aren’t more impressed with my collection. Anything else I could do to have more girls swipe right? (Try Bumble.)
Yesterday my boyfriend told me he loved me. It was so sweet too! He took me out to a nice restaurant, and bought me flowers just so he could tell me! He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me! I couldn’t stop thinking about it this morning when I was fucking his brother.
(Good for you girl! If he really loves you then he should be down for threesome!) I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now and I can’t help but feel like the spark in our relationship is gone. I’m doing my best to appreciate him, but we’ve spent so much time together now that honestly it’s just tiring. And the worst part is that I’m so invested at this point that I can’t bring myself to break up with him. I’m just so fucking sick of him and this relationship. I feel trapped. (Taking a page out of your parents’ playbook I see! Well, you know the next step: have a kid and hope that somehow fixes things!) Yesterday my boyfriend and I took a Buzzfeed quiz that said we weren’t meant for each other! What do I do? (Stay very far away from adult society for at least four more years.)
Wednesday, February 13th, 2019
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PAGE A7
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“I'm drawing a blank.”
Comfort Food Above All
FORMER A7 EDITOR REUNION!
College Recipe Guide:
This page is brought to you this week by
Valentines Feast For One By: Throbin Williams Step 1: Pry yourself off the couch. Get in your latemodel sedan with the broken aux input and listen to FM radio on the drive to Wawa. Step 2: Enter the establishment and beeline to the little tablet thing you order your food on. Customize the fattest, cheesiest, sauciest cheesesteak you think your brittle little heart can handle. Step 3: While your hoagie is handled, ravage the chips and candy aisle, carrying away as much food as you can hold. Step 4: Double back and grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. If you don’t have to awkwardly pin it to your chest with both hands, you aren’t holding enough food. Step 5: Avoid eye contact with the cashier. Step 6: Get your sandwich and get back into your car. Drive back to the safety of your bedroom. Step 7: Eat all your food in the time it takes to watch three episodes of Community. Step 8: Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Step 9: Remain in bed until this wretched hallmark holiday has ended. Step 10: Repeat Step 1 to retrieve discounted, heartshaped candy from Walmart.
PSA
Frats now accepting 5 JUUL hits for entry to party in place of cash.
Dan
and
Jordan
What's up idiots! We're back for one week because the A7 editor is sick and busy. Susy. Bic. You don't care. You just want the content. Or you picked this up because you thought it was the Targum? I guess? Does anyone pick either up? Why are you back here? This is like, the last page. You really read the whole paper? Every week? Wow. Maybe we should have used this space for actual content instead of some weird meta joke only we think is funny. Well enjoy the rest of the paper and have a good whatever day it is today.
A Poem Inspired by Vick and Sam
Sam's hairy ass. Wow. I did not want to see that. The moon is still up.
Only 4 if its Mango. Avid JUULers need not worry about ratio.
Listen, I'm gonna level with you. We need you. We need you to join us here at The Medium. We think you're the funniest person on the planet. Yes, you! Come do your duty to society and write some content for The Medium! Come to our pitch meeting, held every Wednesday at 7:45 pm in Livingston Student Center Room 109 Please! Join The Medium! We need YOU!
Make Sure to Remember to Plan Ahead For Tomorrow
Local Dipshit Thinks He Can Get a Table Without Reservation On Valentine's Day
By: Single by Choice
“I DIDN’T REALIZE THERE WAS GOING TO BE THIS MANY PEOPLE” The war-cry echoed throughout the lobby of Steakhouse 85 as Local Dipshit lost his proverbial shit. The Host in charge was not ready to face the ire of the idiotic Dipshit. What followed was a rampage of epic proportions- punches flew, curses spit out, blood splattered, girlfriend’s eyes rolled. The altercation drew the attention of the patrons of the establishment, all finding the crimson blood really adding to the Valentine’s Day vibe. By the time RUPD arrived, Dipshit lost his edge and fainted from the dying blood rush. Dipshit’s girlfriend was there to explain the situation to Medium correspondent, Liu ‘Kang’ phur-louvre. “Ugh, I had been asking Dipshit for ages what he has planned for Valentines Day. Each time he assured me he had it figured out, all the while having his eyes glued to the latest Joe Rogan podcast. It was only from Rogan’s latest Veal-Meal insta post- one that featured a heart shaped bicep- that he realized he forgot to get a reservation. Then he rushes me here and… well you can see what happened,” explained Madam Dipshit. Steakhouse 85 quickly cleaned up the mess and kicked the dipshit to the curb. Valentines Day commenced as usual, until another Dipshit tried to get in without a reservation.
February 13th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.sports@gmail.com THE 'BRON TAKEOVER
LEBRON JAMES BECOMES COMMISSIONER FOR A DAY, REASSIGNS TEAMS
A MAN IN HIS NATURAL HABITAT EVERYONE KNOWS THIS IS RIGHT
BY ROBIN BANKS
ANGELES— In an unprecedented move, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver stepped down for only one day. After this LOS
year’s dramatic trade deadline, Silver said, “Listen, I didn’t make the rules. I just wanted this to go smoothly, but these guys turned it into a soap opera. I have to take some time off.
Let someone else handle this mess” As a result of the vacancy, the NBA team owners voted who should take the chair for a day. They unanimously voted for LA Laker and lowkey N B A C o m m i s s i o n e r, Lebron James to take over for a day. Upon hearing the news, Lebron James went right down to business. Already an All-Star captain, James was used to picking and choosing players and placing them where he thinks they belong. At the end of the day, James reorganized every player available for the trade deadline. Many highly sought after players, including Anthony Davis, magically ended up on the Lakers. As a result, much of the young Lakers ended up on teams that have never reached the Playoffs. After some serious inquiry, Lebron James confided that
he may have assembled his ultimate team as a result of him wanting to go to the Finals again. “Forget about the finals, with the way things were going, I doubted whether we were even going to reach the playoffs. Now that the Lakers comprise solely of me and Anthony, I think we can even beat the Warriors in the Western Conference Finals. After that, the East is a joke, so the championship is basically ours.” After coming back from his one day retirement, Adam Silver realized his mistake. With the scales tipped heavily in favor of Lebron James going to yet another NBA Finals, many people were angered. “Yeah, I screwed up”, said Commissioner Silver. “I was seriously just tired. It turns out I made a mountain out of a mole hill”.
Ten Ways to Burn Any Patriots Patriots Super Bowl Parade: by the numbers Gear
BY ROBIN BANKS
1 Don't if you're a Pats Fan
6 Steal your annoying little
2
7
brother's $100 Brady jersey
Get a lighter bro. What are Gather anything you doing White and Blue
3 Why are you still reading this? Get some lighter fluid
8 into the
Jump yourself
4 Gather literally any other
9 Bring the kids
5 Create a bonfire pit in the
10
sports fans
middle of Metlife Stadium
Do not call department.
Red,
bonfire
25
Dollars spent on Robert Kraft's "Championship" chain
33,000 fingerprints that have
4 million
now tainted the once pristine condition of the Larry O'Brien trophy
20
the
fire
45,000
Beers that Patriots Tight End, Rob Gronkowski chugged.
Duck boats driven on land, not water
Fighting Frat Bros SINCE 1970
Angry New Yorkers who protested the parade
1
Very happy man named Robin Banks