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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 11th, 2020
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COME ON! LET'S JUST GET SHIT OVER WITH
AMIDST CORONAVIRUS SCARE: RU TO DRIVE BUSES INTO RARITAN RICHARD HERTZ POLITICAL ANALIST
New Brunswick- As more and more cases are popping up across New Jersey, Rutgers University officials have been slow to unveil their plans to handle the crisis. However, a leaked email exchange between the Rutgers President, Robert Barchi, and the Rutgers Department of Transportation Services may reveal some disturbing information. The leak, which was uncovered by Rutgers Reddit users, has shown that amid Coronavirus concerns Rutgers is in the process of beginning a building project on the highways connecting the campuses together. While originally thought to be the usual Rutgers bloat and misplaced priorities, some emails contain a far more serious sinister explanation. There appears to be plans
to begin building ramps on all highways that are parallel to the Raritan, that will send unsuspecting bus-goers to their watery demise. Drivers are to be given detailed instructions on what to do if they suspect someone with the virus is on a Rutgers bus. In accordance
with this new policy, Rutgers has increased it’s life insurance spending for its bus drivers; thinking that in the long run it will be more cost effective. Surprisingly despite being made aware of this new policy, drivers have been tight-lipped Continued on Page 2
WHERE IS JOE?
JOE BIDEN CONFUSES HIMSELF WITH JOE BUDDEN BY BRADLEY "BRAD" TANNER OFF. PUMPING COORESPONDENT
DETROIT- Following big Super Tuesday wins, former VP Joe Biden campaigned in Michigan last Sunday, a high stakes primary battleground with 147 delegates. During some evening remarks, he appeared to experience another one of the many isolated, one-off gaffes we shouldn’t criticize, conflating his own legacy with that of rapper, broadcaster, and embattled media personality Joe Budden. “Listen, Slaughterhouse were some BAD DUDES. So was I! I’ll say it! I was hooked on those Angel Dusts and Mollies and Mary Juanas and things! Even caught a larceny case with the NYPD! But look how far we’ve come!”
69¢
QUICKIES
Biden: We Need to Protect This Nation's Gilfs Hoboken Police Inherently Racist Local Children Actually Dead From Coronavirus Widespread Panic Not Even Dangerous WebMD Stock Surges Among Idiots, Elderly Bisexuals Can Only be Bipartisan If Batman Were Real I'd Be Gay
Biden urged hypercritical Bernie supporters to examine his alleged record of successful one-hit wonders, like 2003’s “Pump It Up”. “Here’s the deal: those days we got the guys pumping IN the club! Outside the club! Up the club! Down the club! Just Blaze, he said it was about jackin’ it, and
I said ‘listen Jack, WHO GIVES A DAMN what’s it about, so long as we got a nice Kool & The Gang groove behind it?’ A groove to carry us back to Washington!” The Democratic candidate then reflected upon his alleged experience formerly co-hosting Continued on Page 2
Washing Our Hands Since 2020
Hotdogs Aren't Sexy Enough, Study Finds Local Man Happily Believes in Society's Lies
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NEWS
Wednesday, March 11th, 2020
"Anyone else's mom telling them not to eat Chinese food?"
THIS EXISTENCE IS PAIN
LET THIS SCHOOL PROFIT OFF YOUR PERIOD
PLEASE KILL ME
...continued from front
about their thoughts on the policy. We decided to follow up with their union rep to figure out how these employees are handling the news. The representative we spoke to said that the union was a major advocate for this new change. “Not only would our workers see an increase in benefits, but we are able to do our part to help fight this epidemic. Going down in a blaze of glory with a couple of these shit kids is just a nice bonus” Since the press got a hold of this leak there the University has been preparing for widespread protest and riots, however the campus have been unexpectedly silent. We sent our reporters to
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College Ave in order to get the scoop. One Senior Computer Science student, Eva Martinez, was able to shed some light on the situation “We kinda just wanna die”. Uplifting stuff.
NEXT WEEK: SOMEONE THROWING UP ON THE WALL OR SOMEONE SLAPPING A WET TOWEL ON CONCRETE
LIKELY SOURCED UNETHICALLY
...continued from front
Complex’s hip hop news show, to youth voters he previously Everyday Struggle. held “no empathy” for, profusely leaking pus from the earlobes as “Tough leaving Chancellor he cited his supposed gaming Ragnarok behind. Me, Nabisco, associations. and DeeJay Academic didn’t always agree. Nerve wracking, “We were on Madden NFL 2004! having those Amigos check my NBA 2K13! Def Jam Vendetta! shape. Quavious! Setoff! Offtake! I Def Jam: Fight For NY! I was the respect DJ’s respect for them and D-Mob Crew’s heavy in BOTH Little Yacht, but after that, gave him GAMES! Wieldin’ chains and a tap on the pec and said ‘Look Ak, blazin’ submissions OUT THE here’s the deal. I’m an OLDHEAD WAZOO! Look, to REALLY beat man, and we oldheads gotta go Ronald McDonald Thruss this with that true and tried quo status September, we gotta pummel his Joe!” malarkey INTO submission, and OUTTA the Waffle House!” Despite that proclamation, Biden closed his remarks with an appeal
END OF DAYS IN A FEW DAYS
UN: 'WE HAD A GOOD RUN" THROBBIN WILLIAMS MOB MENTALITY HUMANIZED
Hell-- The United Nations has announced at a recent sumit regarding the corona virus that “we had a good run” and “it had to end sooner or later.” Incumbent President Tijjani Muhammad-Bane announced on Tuesday that we are indeed approaching the end of society as we know it. “It is looking like 2020 will be the year everything changes. The world’s problems are all culminating together; we’re facing a health pandemic, rapidly worsening climate change, war, starvation, and the list goes on. We had a good run, but now it’s time to prepare for the Mad Max times,” Muhammad-Bane said to the world as he removed his clothes to show an outfit made of light chainmale and fishnets he completed by donning a pair of ski goggles before jumping on an ATV and riding off “This was bound to
happen one day.” It’s true that 2020 and the months leading up to it have been turbulent, and it appears the UN is giving up hope for our planet. German Chancellor Angela Merkel went on to make her remarks as Muhammad-Bane. “There is nothing more we can do here,” she said “Those of us lucky enough to get on the spaceships with Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk will have a fine life on the moon. The rest of you will be left here, and at least twenty percent of you will die. Many of those who live will not thrive in the road warrior society.” Scientists have determined that this is happening because we have entered the darkest timeline. Lead UN scientist Lena Kravara collaborated with theoretical physicists to determine that the assassination of Jeffrey Epstein
was the event that turned us away from the timeline where the world prospers in a state of harmonious bliss. In a final message from the UN leaders recommended for the population to “buckle the fuck up.”
LOCAL MILF IN YOUR AREA! COME FIND THEM AT OUR PITCH MEETING! PLEASE! BUT NOT IF YOU FEEL SICK! STAY HOME! WASH YOUR HANDS! PANIC! MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR GOD!
ANNOUNCEMENT FROM BARCHI FROM THE OFFICE OF THE UNIVERSITY PRESIDENT
It has come to my attention that Princeton University has announced they will be pivoting all of their classes to an online format amid coronavirus panic. I am here to say that is fucking weak. I mean my god! What is this? University of Phoenix? Get the fuck out of here! You will show up to this god damn university and take your classes no matter what! We're going to take advantage of this to skyrocket past Princeton in the global rankings because of this, expecially since this will kill off all the stupid kids. In fact, we're going to be reducing the amount of allowed absences just to keep everyone honest. See you guys after break. Don't forget to wash your hands, fuckos. Love, Bobby Barchi
IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA COME TO THE MEETING, AT LEAST SUBMIT SOMETHING THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 7:45 IN LSC BOARD ROOM
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Doug Willig Jacob Sclar Ikjot Tagore Kelly Manniello Max Broggi-Sumner Michael Celletti Michael Bloomberg
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Pete Buttigieg. Thanks for dropping out.
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FEATURES
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“Como se dice Bitch”
SO MANY MUSTACHES
Top 10 Steve Harvey Clones I Would Make If I Had A CRISPR Lab By: Sgt. Gen. Cpl. Lt. Chiappa Remington Wesson Junior, Tier Three Operator
REMEMBER JUMPING JACKS?? HA!
10 Things I Haven’t Done Since High School By: PP Harding
1. A single pull up- Somehow I am alive by the grace of God despite having noodles for arms 2. Played the saxophone- I played saxophone for nine years and the second I graduated, it was a skill lost to the heavens along with my will to live 3. Confided in one of my teachers- I remember actually asking my old teachers questions and for advice to guide me, but the most that I have done to make any sort of connection with any of my professors is maintain prolonged eye contact 4. Had my mom make my lunch- She tried but that woman could not make a taco salad for the life of her, but I still managed to eat it every day
ATTENTION PATRIOTS: Some of you elitist P.C. DEMONRATS have erroneously referred to me as a “RACIST” for being an outspoken supporter of OUR PRESIDENT. QUITE THE CONTRARY! I admire MANY a BASED BLACK CONSERVATIVE. Kanye West. Flavor Flav. Jesse Lee Peterson. Clarence Thomas. Carl Winslow. Steve Harvey. These gentlemen have all emphasized the importance of Christianity and traditional American values, but Harvey specifically has called out the ATHEIST GLOBALIST DEVIL WORSHIPPERS for lacking a MORAL BAROMETER. He literally WROTE THE BOOK on thinking LIKE A MAN, and his caterpillar mustache exudes THE APOTHEOSIS of masculine, male machismo. This country could use more Harveys, and when GEOTUS defeats the DEEP STATE tyrants and LEAKS their cloning technology to the masses, I WILL bring those means to a PERMANENT END. So without further adieu, HERE are the TOP 10 STEVE HARVEYS I WILL CLONE!
10. Steve Harvey Keitel: AW, STEVIE DONE SHOT MARVIN IN THE FACE! (I think that’s how that movie goes) 9. Steve Harvey Fierstein: Gravel Voice. Smoothly Paved Voice. The DUALITY of man in ONE MAN! 8. Steve Harvey Martin: NFL All-Pro defensive end? Typecast sitcom boomer dad? Both? IT’S OPEN FOR INTERPRETATION! 7. Steve Harvey Milk: Because what good is a PENN without a little PINSTRIPE! 6. Stephen H. Smith: A man of God? Blasphemous? BLASPHEMOUS! 5. Steve Harvey Levin: I can’t think of anything clever here, but THEY BOTH SHOOK HANDS WITH OUR DEAREST GOD EMPEROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4. Stephen Harvey Hawking: Because WE NEED a LIVING STEVE with INSIDE INTEL on THE EPSTEIN ISLAND! 3. Steve Harvey Bass: I DO NOT know this GENTLEMAN, but he is on the “TICK TOCK”, which is MUCH ADORED by my ZOOMER NEPHEW! 2. Steve Harvey Weinstein: Think Like A Man Too? What about Think Like A Man, ME TOO? 1. Steve Harvey Oswald: AW, STEVIE DONE SHOT THE PRESIDENT THROUGH THE GRASSY KNOLL!
5. Put effort into the way I looked for class- I used to get up at 5:25 am to curl my hair and put on eyeliner, but now I save a lot of time in my morning routine by not giving a shit 6. Had healthy bones- despite only being 20 years old, every time I get up, walk, or move my body to any degree, I hear at least one of my weary bones/joints cracking 7. Sang in front of people- I was in a couple of spring musicals through high school, but once again I threw away my creative outlets and forms of self expression away when I decided it was a good idea to go into pre-veterinary medicine 8. Enjoyed any electives- My electives were culinary and art in high school and now I get to pick from histology or animal diseases because I deserve to suffer 9. Maintained healthy habits- I used to go for runs and didn’t eat carbs and shit like that and I was fucking GLOWING. Not even that I don’t have time, but my priorities now are sleeping and eating 10. Known more than three people in my classes- In my town, we graduated high school with the same people we had known since pre-school. Honestly, dating one another should have been considered incest at that point
AN IMPORTANT ISSUE FOR SURE
A Guide for Men on Safeguarding Their Masculinity By: By Him, They and Her
Step 1: Harass women. Step 2: Harass queers. Step 3: Harass each other. Step 4: Continue to have an inferiority complex because society's demands for masculinity wildly contradicts your lived experience. Step 5: ???? Step 6: Profit Become confused as to why you're not rich yet.
TOO SHORT TO BE A ROCKETTE? THEN DO THE NEXT BEST THING: WRITE FOR THE MEDIUM! COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS IN THE LSC BOARD RM (UPSTAIRS) ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 .
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OPINIONS "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
If you could give one celebrity COVID-19, who would it be? "Oh, I'm giving it to that fucker Martin Scorcese. That white bitch has had it too good for too long." Jake Joker Tired of lack of representation
"Oprah. Picture this: you get coronavirus, you get coronavirus!" Leslie Womanny Absolute genius "The editor of this page, Quinn Van Es. He might not be a celebrity, but he's a bigshot in my book." Quinn's Mom Jeez, mom, not in front of my friends POOOOOOOORN!
This One is Definitively the Best Porn Site Out There! BY NEIL ARNENAR
I wanna start off by saying that I'm kind of an expert in these regards, so you should just trust me, okay? The best porn site ever is XVideos.* Let me just name some of the best qualities: you can make an account, absolutely free. Not just "oh, why don't you give us your credit card, we promise not to charge you" free. No fucking credit card required, so all you minors can line up! Next absolutely fantastic perk: it'll tell you what videos you should watch! When all of your blood goes to your man meat and you have none to spare for your brain, this really comes in handy. XVideos will base suggestions off of what you've already watched, which actors and channels you follow, and the videos you've liked! That opens up a whole book of other awesome features, like following actors and channels (which will post shortened versions of videos from the most famous sites out there), liking videos (which puts them into a library that you can revisit at any time), and XVideos will keep track of your history! You don't even need to remember the name of that step-sibling porno you were watching, your account will remember it for you! Honestly, I don't even know what I would do without this account. Probably something productive...
*This is a paid endorsement, but I wanted to say all of this anyway.
Wednesday, March 11th, 2020
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THESE SPAM CALLS JUST WON'T STOP
My Grandpa, Grandma's Dr., and the Morgue Won't Stop Calling Me BY AL NATOORALL
I speak for everyone when I say we get way too many fucking spam calls as it is, no one could possibly deal with more. For some reason, though, my grandpa just started calling me over and over again in the middle of the night, like it wasn't 2 a.m. What, did someone die or something? Who does this boomer think he is? My god, I wish it ended there. If he wasn't bad enough, he somehow got my grandma's goddamn doctor involved too! I mean, it's not too crazy, he has been my grandma's doctor since before I was born, he's practically part of the family, but it's still fucking bananas that he'd be calling me on and off all day! My professors are up my fucking ass because my phone keeps going off. I would turn my ringer off, but I like to leave it on, in case of an emergency. This practical joke only gets more and more morbid, though. The same unknown number kept calling me and calling me a day or so later. I googled the number, turns out it's the fucking mortician near my grandma? Like, did the doctor get this guy in on it too? That has to be some kind of breach of etiquette or some shit. Honest to fucking god, I'm not gonna put up with this shit for too much longer. Bet the mortician is gonna go to his pal at the cemetary soon and that guy's gonna start calling me, too. All of this is so goddamn ridiculous, it's just such a pain in my ass. Pretty soon, I'm just gonna call grandma myself and ask her to sort this out with grandpa. I ONLY DO IT FOR MY BF
Piss Doesn't Actually Taste that Bad BY PIKE MENCE
Now, don't mistake me for one of those weird guys with a piss fetish. My boyfriend's the one with the piss kink, and I love him, so I go along with it. Before I started dating him, I'd sworn off piss altogether: no drinking it, no playing with it, not even freezing it and eating it like a popsicle. Now, I kinda like it, and I do all those things on a regular basis. I know what you're thinking: "That's so gross! How could you ever do that?" Because I love my fucking boyfriend, you sick fucks! Would you not do anything for the person you love? It hasn't even become a sexual thing for me, I just realized I don't really mind the taste of piss. Not even that I don't mind it, I'd say piss tastes okay, better than anything that Tonald Drump’s been ordering into the office lately. Once a lot of people hear that I like the taste of piss (and that's a lot of people, I tell practically everyone I meet), they think that I'm "depraved," or "without morals," or "a filthy homosexual that's gonna burn in hellfire and suffer eternal damnation." I mean, I don't think I'm any of those (well, maybe that last one). I'm just a guy who found love and would do anything for it, including lap up my boyfriend's piss from a water dish like a puppy. But do you know what grinds my gears more than people questioning me drinking piss? Those fucking perverts that practice shit play!
ARTS
Wednesday, March 11th, 2020
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“Artsy dicks are my aesthetic.”
“MEDIUM NEWSPAPER NOW FEATURED AS WEAPON ON THE LIVE ACTION BOARD GAME RUTGERS CLUE” BY A FAN
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WARNING BY DEE
VAJOENA BY PENNY TRATER
NUTS BY PENNY TRATER
GOT NAKED PICTURES OF AN EX YOU WANT TO GET REVENGE ON? WELL WE DON'T DO THAT YOU SICK FUCK, BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS WECOME TO COME TO LSC BOARD ROOM WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM
the Medium Holidays
When's National Men's Month? (For real. These broads wanna talk about income gap, but what about the calendar gap? Holding up 11 months is too much!) Just because I’m not Irish, doesn’t mean I can’t be a raging alcoholic! (A third of my culture is NOT your fucking pastime! Indiscriminately puking in a trashcan is OUR tradition.) What's your favorite variation of the IRA? (I'm more of a Lucky Charm Liberation Front guy myself. Death to the fascist insects who steal me marshmallows!) Do Irish NEED apply? (Any student's welcome to submit their work to The Medium, mick, kraut, polack, or anyone in between. Just ask me! We're a diverse coalition of irony poisoned assholes here.)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, March 11th, 2020
"Spam the groupchat with my vore folder? I can do that." - The "Irish Man"
Suffering
How do I make the pain stop? (Fuck if I know. Natty Ice helps for a couple hours though.) The flu agonizingly kills around 646,000 every year. Why aren't you alarmist WebMD dipshits creaming your pants and hyping THAT up as the end of civilization? (Anti-boomer sentiment is trendy at the moment. If an unconscious protein microbe can stay on the pulse of ageist bigotry, why can't you?) I don't wanna return for fucking Spring fucking Break FUUUUUUCCK. (Me neither bud. Look at the silver linings though. Family dog! Marginally raiding the parents dusty liquor stash that hasn't been touched in 3 years! Your uncle's Kolonopin fueled philosophical diatribes!)
Most underrated woman in How do I make the pain Women's History?) start? (Ma Aanand Sheela. A true almost-slay queen.) (Wake up.)
Word of the Week:
Influenza n. Indie viral strain overshadowed by it's more mainstream, less successful cousin SEEK GOOD LUCK CHARMS IN UNEXPECTED PLACES
My Corona
How much alcohol would I need to drink to kill the corona virus? (A handle of Everclear should shut that shit down quick. And your internal organs. Would not recommend.) I'm young enough that the coronavirus can't kill me, but how am I supposed to protect all the hot MILF's I fuck on the daily?
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3/11: THE CELEBS WEIGH IN
(Just do it through the hazmat zipper. It's kosher!) Why did the coronavirus steal my Xbox Live gamertag? COVID-19 was my thing. (It's not doing flu or bubonic plague numbers quite yet, but you HONESTLY think you could stack up against that K/DR?) Should I even try with my classes because they are all pointless online? (You think there's a point OFF line?) Class was cancelled so I'm just gonna sit in this lecture hall for 80 minutes. Corona won't control me! (We got ourselves a real rebel over here!)
My My MY MY MYMY How am I supposed to get sloshed and stay healthy if I need to take this particle filter face mask off every time I take a shot? (Is it one of those World War 1 ones with the tube things? Just kegstand that shit. Problem solved!) Oh boy! Tickets to Italy are only 58 dollars! Time for an early vacation! (Right on. Just the perfect getaway retreat from those 3-5 figure medical bills back home.) Is Rutgers gonna refund me tuition money for the time it’s gonna be closed? (You'd have better luck asking a loan shark or Nigerian prince for your money back.) Oh no! How do I do my signature vogue poses without dying? (Touch something else seductively, like a bus rail.)
OVER HERE (or online... TBA) Wednesdays @ 7:45p.m. Livingston Student Center Board Room
Wednesday, March 11th, 2020
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Ooh ahh up the 'Ra!
Top 5 Worst Irishmen Ever!!! By Finn Cooley
1) James Joyce: Ripped off Homer's Odyssey and didn't even credit him, total asshole. 2) Frank Sheeran: Father of Ed Sheeran and murderer of Jimmy Hoffa. He also let himself be played by an Italian in a movie. Disgusting. 3) John F. Kennedy: Look, no disrespect to the legend, but things would have gone down differently if I was in that limo. 4) Eamon de Valera: The man who killed Michael Collins. May he rot in hell. 5) Conor McGregor: Only one Conor out there who gets to have one "n" in his name, and he's the goddamn editor of this page. Are you proficient in irony? racism? Pitch Meetings: Livi Student Center Boardroom 7:40-8:45 Production: Livi Student Center Rm 117D List of things white people LOVE • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
Doing taxes Going to the gym Eating food Drinking water Inhaling oxygen Exhaling carbon dioxide Voting for Elizabeth Warren Being complicit in several Central American coups. Watching Marvel Movies Writing for the Medium Ironically dabbing Unironically dabbing Majoring in English Netflix shows that get cancelled after two seasons Standup Specials "with heart."
Hi-ku
Wrote my resume "Am proficient in simping" Waiting to hear back
PAGE A7
"tfw no okay boomer TikTok gf"
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Don't bleed on the suit, pal.
The Chad Steele Diaries A Nonlinear Jersey-Trash Noir Picaresque Chapter 1: The Assignment A freshman who didn’t want to be labeled as freshmeat, I started my P.I. business as a way to stick out from the homogenous, angsty masses. I’m a great believer that everybody knows nothing; I could get away with being a detective by simply claiming to be one. It worked out fine for a while. I solved the case of the missing tarantula in Newells, identified the cat burglar living among the Livi cats, and put an end to the TikTok Renegade, whose calling card was to film himself doing the renegade in front of the transient homeless. It was a good way to earn a living. My only real worry was the rising concern of the latest plague, the C-Virus. During a dark and starry night, one that was unbearably hot due to the Quad’s terrible heating, emerged a Knight clad in scarlet. It was the Scarlet Knight! Not the hackneyed-felt caricature that prances around uninteresting football games. He wore a steel helmet, armor emblazoned with Rutgers’ insignia, and a flowing red cape.This was a handsome knight, exemplifying chivalry and the Rutgers trademark. I fell for him. I fell for him HARD. Was it his gruff masculine voice that contained an air of aristocracy or his stoic composure? It was probably the huge longsword he was carrying. He came with an assignment. A new designer drug is being circulated and the Knight suspects that the drug is tied to the rising concern of the C-Virus. The drug is called Scarlet Fever and it is popular at frat parties. The issue is what it carries: like an unloaded gun, the drug carries a neutered version of the C-Virus. It makes consumers more susceptible to the diseases currently plaguing the world. I asked the Knight for his source. He hesitated. “It’s my sister.” Well, things just got a whole lot more interesting. To Be Continued...
March 11th, 2020 @TheMedium themedium.submissions@ gmail.com SPORTS is the Name, Coronavirus is the Game
RUTGERS FANS SET TO PACK ARENA FOR B1G TOURNAMENT WHILE PLAYERS WILL REMAIN AT HOME DUE TO CORONAVIRUS FEARS
THE SCARLET KNIGHT PREPPING ON AN EMPTY COURT WITH NO PLAYERS BY GHOST OF QUINCY DOUBY
Amidst rising national concerns of the coronavirus disease 2019 (abbreviated COVID-19) spreading in the United States, some senior
college basketball officials feared that the Big 10 Men’s Basketball tournament would have to be played without fans in the stands. This upset much of the college basketball world, as many fans were
upset they would not be able to see their favorite teams play in person. However, late this weekend, officials decided on a solution that appealed to all parties involved. The Big 10 announced Tuesday that the Big 10 Tournament would be held without players or coaches being allowed in the arena. Fans would still be allowed to go to the seats they paid for, concession stand workers and security would still be present to cater to the fans, and media members would still be there to report on the events. However, in fear of their safety, players and coaches would remain at home, spending time doing things that really mattered, like playing video games and having sex. The Big 10 said in a statement that they “only wanted people essential to the game present.” Some fans at first were confused as to how the winner of games
would be decided, but it was later clarified that whichever team’s fans cheered louder would be awarded the official victory. Rutgers first game slated for the Tournament is against the No. 9-seed Michigan Wolverines at 12 p.m. Thursday at the Bankers Life Fieldhouse in Indianapolis. Knights fans were ready to pack the arena to cheer at the empty court. Sophomore Michelle Waterman is flying to Indianapolis to see the game. Regarding the lack of game actually occurring, Michelle explained “While it is sad that I won’t be able to see the team I love play, hopefully I will be able to cheer loud enough to help us secure a victory for Rutgers University.” Michelle has lung cancer and it is unlikely she will be able to scream during the game. Analysts expect Rutgers to lose in the first round despite the new format of gameplay.
13 Things to Know About the Tom Brady's Future: By the Numbers Nets Firing Kenny Atkinson BY TY LUE 1. This marks the third Franchise Kyrie Irving has ruined, after the Cavs and Celtics 2. In response to questions if he wanted Atkinson out, Kyrie responded that the earth may actually be round 3. Kevin Durant has stated on one of his burners that he wanted Atkinson gone, and on another that he wanted Atkinson to stay 4. Atkinson was fired in part due to coronavirus fears after he had frequent contact with the team's owner, Joe Tsai, who is Chinese. This is despite the fact that Tsai had been five miles underground in a quarantined bunker for the last two months and had only talked to Atkinson over FaceTime. 5. Spencer Dinwiddie did not notice Atkinson was fired because he was complaining to the referees that there was no foul call 6. Theo Pinson also did not notice the firing because he was on the sideline dancing when it happened 7. D’Angelo Russell was in the office hiding behind a chair recording the firing for his Snapchat story 8. I can’t think of 13 things so this is filler (HAHA what a meta joke I know) 9. Atkinson is considering a career selling hair gel if no team signs him 10. However, that won’t need to happen because the Knicks have already extended him an offer 11. Jarrett Allen gave Atkinson a small piece of his afro as a going away present 12. The Nets will still never win a championship now 13. Reasons Why was a good show (what? Yes that is related!)
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Lazy editor of this page writing a column on Tom Brady’s future two weeks in a row
People who actually value the opinion of Stephen A and Max
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300
Readers who even noticed that that was the case
Social Media posts by Bleacher Report analyzing Brady’s every move
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Hours Stephen A Smith and Max Kellerman will debate over where Brady will go
Filling this page with complete garbage SINCE 1970
Weeks ago Brady made his decision, but did not tell anyone yet