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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 13th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE IX 50¢ IT'S COLD AS POKEBALLS
INCLEMENT WEATHER DUE TO LEGENDARY POKEMON BATTLE
ASS KETCHUP GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL
NEW BRUNSWICK — Weird and random weather occurrences have been plaguing 2019. From freak snow storms before Thanksgiving break to sixty degree sunshine in the middle of February, the weather sure has been chaotic. Some attribute the heavenly freakshow to Global Warming, with the manmade overheating of the Earth causing major side effects. But we all know how dumb of an idea that is- If Earth is hot, why it snow? In reality, the New Brunswick area has become ravaged by a battle of epic proportions. Legendary Pokemon have surfaced from their long slumber underneath the Earth and now are battling each other to see who is the very best in the TriState Area. Most of the melee was happening in less populated,
JOIN US THIS WEDNESDAY IT'LL BE FUN I PROMISE 7:45 LSC 109 Breaking: My Neighbor is An Asshole
PEW PEW PEW ICE RUBY GOLD STAR DIAMOND SAPPHIRE
obscure areas of the region- which is why Douglass is as ravaged as it looks now. But that was not enough, the Legendary Pokemon have now shifted their attention towards the heart of New Brunswick, College Ave Campus. Third Generation Legendaries Groudon, Kyogre,
and Rayquaza had an all out Royal Rumble this weekend, leading to intense weather anomalies. Groudon took his place on top of Brower, leaving the outer area to be a charred by his fire attacks. Kyogre took to the student center, spraying the surrounding area with his Continued on Page 2
JONAS'ING FOR A FIFTH JONAS
NEW JONAS BROTHERS REVIVAL ALBUM TO FEATURE FIFTH JONAS BROTHER
BRADLEY “BRAD” TANNER ALPHA BOY BAND CORRESP.
WYCKOFF — Kevin, Nick, Joe, and Frankie Jonas: you know them, and now, they’re of legal age for you to love them. Recently, the first three brothers have announced their band’s revival, and while little is known about their forthcoming project, Nick recently divulged a new surprise; a feature by the siblings fifth and eldest brother, Zachariah Jonas. Since Zachariah is only an hour from New Brunswick in their Wyckoff hometown, we were lucky enough to convene face to face. Over a 4 for 4 Wendy’s deal and the panoramic vista of Discount Liquors’ parking lot, I spoke candidly to Zachariah inside the rustic 1997 Ford Aspire
QUICKIES
THE JONAS THAT WAS ALWAYS MISSING 3 FAMOUS JONASES+2 MORE=BB GOOD
he has called home. Zachariah wasn’t always balding, bearded, and 315 pounds soaking wet, but a brunette banged
pretty boy; “Eva since God planted me on this Earth in ‘79, I always been told to dream big by our Pa, when he wasn’t beltin’ me anyway. Continued on Page 2
DOUBLE THREAT AT BEST Since 1970
PETA Attacks PETA for Mass Euthanization of Stray Dogs Democratic Nominee Bubble Burst, Ouch Fuck Look Out They're Falling from the Sky Smoking Gun Gets Cancer Netflix to Open Brick-andMortar Pop-Up Shop Just in Time for Easter "He's Not Even Hot Enough to Be a Fuckboy" Says Girl
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NEWS
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"Younger people are cool and they also have meal swipes"
POKEMON GO FOR COVER
BURNIN' UP FOR YOU, ZACHARIAH
SEVERE WEATHER-VERY EFFECTIVE water attacks. Rayquaza, the queen bitch she is, just watched from the sky and cackled time to time, which caused random lightning strikes. Meteorologist and Pokemon trainer, Professor Oak, had this to say: “The battles these legendary Pokemon are taking part in is seriously messing up the ecosystem. Whenever HoOh flies over us, he immediately tears through the sky causing hot summer heat in the middle of the Winter. Articuno has been having a field day this year, just randomly appearing and bringing blizzards with it. We have been trying to predict when the next Pokemon battle or appearance will happen, but it really is up in the air. We have been consulting the Pokemon Wiki in order to find each Pokemon
Wednesday, March 13th, 2019
...continued from front
appearance rate and percentages, but it has not done us any good yet.” Many would be trainers and enthusiast have brought it upon themselves to catch these Pokemon and reign them in before there is even more chaos and destruction. Equipped with their novelty Pokeball and Generation Four distance tracker, these heroic trainers are getting ready to grind in tall grass to get their starter Pokemon ready for the task. Foolish Pokemon Go players have also been enraptured by the prospects of Legendary Pokemon, but thankfully they get blown away each time they ran at the Pokemon with their phones out. To the trainers out there, good luck with your adventure forward, and try not to get pummeled by MewTwo.
COME TO THE MEDIUM
FOLLOW THIS FLOWCHART TO SEE YOUR FUTURE...
LOVE BUGGIN' FOR SOS ZACHARIAH!! Life’s what ya make it, pull those bootstraps higher than the Arubian sun, nothin’ to it but ta do it. You wanna be a world famous chart toppa with a meaty 17-inch pecker? Get ta work and ‘plasty that motherfucker.” Zachariah dropped out before he could attend the brothers future alma mater, but set his big dreams toward being the regional manager of his area Chilis’ franchise. “Took 4-5 G.E.D.s, got mah associates in networkin’, spent my time fuckin’ BOOLIN’ wit’ tha boys back howme. Simplah times. Woulda’ went from intramural ball to tha combine if it weren’t for the goddamn shoulder tear. Off the record man, but got any Percs?” Unfortunately he would only progress to become a host/busser of the Wortendyke location, doing so for the past 15 years while his brothers have skyrocketed to fame. Lately, Zachariah has been happy to reconnect: “Yeah, gimme royalty checks here an’ there after I ask long
...continued from front
enough. Answer texts out the blue years later. Scored some GOOD slit at the K.C. show. Of age slit, pretty sure. Respected their ring shit, but ain’t about that life myself.” Though not good at “much of anythin’ beyond perusin’ the stepsister category of XVideos”, Zachariah has picked up a remarkable four bass notes, citing past experience with his friends’ numetal group, who released one single over their three-month career, “Doing Conflict”. “Real deep lyricism there. Kev asked me to refrain from dat wit’ dis, but I’m just happy he’s let me onboard at all. He’s family, and family’s all that maddahs.” According to Zachariah, he plays bass and drunken throat singing on three singles: “She Popped My Maraschino”, “Fuck Yes We’ve Fucked”, and “Year 2030”, an update on their iconic “Year 3000” single reflecting when we’ll actually be living underwater. Release date
LITERALLY WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY TO MAKE YOU COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 7:45 IN LSC 109
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Editorial Managing Editor Dan Cretella Staff Business Manager Shaina Joseph Spring 2019 Mascot Interim Cucumber
News Editors Marissa Schwartz Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Mike Celletti Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
Sports Editor Copy Editor Senior Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Samuel Hammer Vickram Singh Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field That one guy :/
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to every1 who got lost on the way to the medium (not)
FEATURES
Wednesday, March 13th, 2019 themedium.features@gmail.com
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“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy weed”
WE’RE COOKIE PEOPLE
THE INSIDE SCOOP
The Most Important Quotes from Michael A Cookie for the Kooky: Cookie Monster’s Self-Help Corner Cohen’s CLOSED DOOR Testimony By Elon Thrust
Here are the most noteworthy quotes from Cohen’s closed door testimony. Someone leaked the script, and we got our hands on it. A lot of important things were said, and we’ve assembled the best information for you to know: “ Donald Trump made me blow raspberries on his tummy” - This is a quote we were all shocked to physically see, though we probably knew about it, deep down, the whole time.
“Trump was constantly angry that sports teams kept showing up and eating his fast food” - This surprised me. I mean, I know he can stand to lose a few pounds, but weren’t there like 800 hamburgers at some of those events? “He once mistook Ivanka for Melania. Then again, maybe he just grabs all women by the pussy” - Disgusting.
“He thinks Donald Trump Jr. has a dumb name… unironically.” Hilarious. “He always said ‘Tim Apple is one of my best friends.’” - It makes sense that he doesn’t know the name of one of his best friends, but hasn’t he talked to this guy like three times?
“He often was on the phone with Putin and said things like ‘oh stop it you rascal’ and ‘validation from you is literally more important to me than anything.’” - Pretty obvious, but again, nice to see it in writing.
“He takes approximately 13 shits a day.“ - Makes sense with all the bad food he eats. And maybe his tweets are so impulsive because he takes really quick shits to prepare for the next ones.
THE TEAMWORK IS REAL
Top 15 places to hook up on Cook/Douglass By D-Dog
1. The abandoned bowling alley in Loree classrooms. 2. Inside the passion puddle. 3. Around the passion puddle. 4. On a slab of wood floating on the passion puddle. 5. Submerged in a lobster trap in the passion puddle. 6. In the single-stall bathroom in the upstairs of the biological sciences building. 7. On a horse in the farms. 8. In front of your professor in the giant lecture hall in Hickman. 9. In the RUPD police car you get arrested in for smoking weed in front of the passion puddle. 10. On top of the piano in the Voorhees Chapel. 11. At the Dunkin’ in Douglass Student Center while you’re waiting in line. 12. On the F bus ONLY when it’s on Cook/Douglass. 13. Perry hall room 115 - you’ll thank me later. 14. In the center of the stage while there’s a performance in Cabaret Theatre. 15. In your bedroom, creep.
DID YOU KNOW... BITCHES BE TRIPPIN’? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND MORE LIFE LESSONS AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 109 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
By The Cookie Monster
How do I talk to the girl I like in class?
Have you tried giving her a cookie? That is how my parents met. Poppa Cookie Monster and Momma Cookie Monster were walking down a hallway carrying their own cookies. Both of them ran into each other and ALL their cookies flew into the air. They helped each other devour all the cookies, and then I was born nine months later. It is foolproof!! How do I reveal the gender of my baby at the Gender Reveal Party?
Simple, you give everyone cookies covered in pink glaze for a girl or a cookies with blue glaze for a boy. If you do not believe in the gender binary, you can give everyone chocolate chip cookie. It is the best cookie, perfect for the birth of the best baby :) How do I tell my parents I am gay?
I recently had to help a friend with this- his name rhymes with Dig Dird- and it went over swimmingly with his parents. You give one of you parents a fortune cookie and the other one a biscotti. You tell them to open the fortune cookie with the biscotti. When the fortune cookie is cracked open with the biscotti, the fortune reads, “I want to do what you just did with another man’s genitals in my butt.” My friends family found this very humorous and then we partake in eating the cookies. For extra effort, you can add, “I also want to be eaten like this cookie.” Funny stuff. How do I count to four?
Do you have cookies that have numbers written on them? If you don’t, I can’t help much. Cookie Monster is very sorry. If you do have those kinds of cookies, you look at the fourth wall and count while eating all the cookies. My Vagina smells weird, what do I do?
Does it smell like a cookie? A vagina smelling like a cookie is a beautiful thing, one should not be ashamed of it. If you find your lover to be a cookie enthusiast, like yours truly, you will find that there is a lot of fun to be had with a vagina smelling like a cookie. For further help, please look me up when you are in town, I can be found at 1 Sesame Street. How do I curtail my cookie addiction?
CURTAIL!? COOKIE!? ADDICTION!? I am at a complete loss of words. How can one possibly have an addiction to cookie. Cookie’s are meant to be devoured. You see cookie, you eat cookie. That is how it works. Please, this section is for serious questions only. Now if you can excuse me, I must eat my cookies: NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
SOUNDS DELICIOUS
A Haiku about a Sandwich By P. P. Harding
Bread Bread Bread Bread Bread Mayo Lettuce Cheese Turkey Bread Bread Bread Bread Bread
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OPINIONS
Wednesday, March 13th, 2019
“Fuck QR Codes. I don't have anything that reads QR codes.”
UGH, INCELS.
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What's the Best Way to Pregame Before Hitting the Bars? "Do 100 pushups, 100 situps, 100 squats, run 10 km and drink two cases of Natty.” Carter Bentz Carries a gallon jug.
“Smirnoff Ice, blow and telling my mom I'm studying for an exam tonight. ” Jayne McNamara Risking an academic scholarship
“I usually just show up sober and have a terrible time.” Mike Mince Doesn't go out much.
BRO TIME IS ESSENTIAL
It’s Not Cheating On My Girlfriend If It’s With My Boy BY DICK VEINY
Just this weekend, I had the shock of my life when my girlfriend walked in on me with one of my best friends sucking my big ol’ willy. Apparently she had been planning to “surprise me” because it was our “anniversary”, even though I had clearly stated that Saturday was for the boys since the beginning of our relationship. Anyways, she completely freaked out and didn’t seem to understand that no, I wasn’t cheating, cause it wasn’t like it was her hot sorority sister that I’ve requested to follow on instagram five times now on all five of my accounts, it was my bro! She started crying and yelling about how “she’s put up with my shit long enough” and how she “knew she should have left me after the bidet incident” and that “this was the last straw”, and it’s just like, how can she not see she’s being the toxic one? My boy has been sucking my dick since freshman year, two years before I met her. He knows just how to work his tongue to get me the fattest nuts since Lilith hate-fucked Adam. And he has no gag reflex! Now she wants to make a big fuss about nothing but some friendship fellatio because she’s insecure. Ridiculous.
HEY. YOU. WITH THE PRETTY EYES. YEAH, YOU. THOSE EYES OF YOURS ARE REAL GOOD AT READING. WE COULD USE THAT. COME TO OUR PITCH MEETING WEDNESDAY AT 7:45 P.M. LIVI STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109
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Captain Marvel Made Me a Feminist BY MODERATEEUGENECISTGAMER1986
I never really liked women that much. I mean, I thought they were okay, but I never really saw the appeal. What’s the point of even having a gender that doesn’t define itself by emotional repression or social dominance? Like, I never disliked them, I just didn’t think they were as cool as men or non-binary folk. I’m not sure why I thought any of them would date me with this mentality, I guess I just never gave it any thought. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, Captain Marvel is the best movie I’ve ever seen in my life. It might be the most important movie ever made, I mean, what other movie has a strong female protagonist? Leave it up to Marvel to be the first movie to actually portray women in a positive light. I should probably clarify that I don’t really know much about movies, but that has to be why it’s getting so much attention, right? Like, why else would so many people be talking about it if it wasn’t breaking brand new ground? Back to the movie: seeing Brie Larson be a badass superhero did make me a little uncomfortable at first, I admit. I mean, women aren’t supposed to be superheroes! And yet… here is a woman being a superhero. Her performance is so compelling that I really started to believe that yes, even outside this fantasy universe, women truly can be just as badass as anyone else. Also, just to address some counterarguments out there: apparently Brie Larson “hates men” and everyone who likes her is an “SJW cuck”. To that, I have to say: chill out, guys. It’s just a movie.
POINT: FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY
I'm Not Doing Anything for Spring Break Because I'm Responsible BY LEE LONE
I'm not going to Miami or Cabo or the fucking Bahamas. What am I, made of money? It's insane what people are spending on a week of blacking out taking instagrams. You know what I'm going to do? Black out on steel reserves at home with my dad and go live on instagram. It's the same thing. You really expect me to pay for a flight AND a week of vacation? It's insane. And I'm not just saying this because I'm not friends with anyone who's also going. It's the damn money! I'm a fiscally responsible man and I'm going to spend my break like it. COUNTER-POINT: FISCAL IRRESPONSIBILITY
You're Not Doing Anything for $pring Break Because You're Broke AF BY REMY BUTTSAPLENTY
You're not going to Miami or Cabo for $pring break becau$e you're broke AF, BOY. You wi$h you could be gettin' your knob $lobbed by hot blonde$ in a beach rave with the re$t of the dude$. You would be going too but you can't even afford BREAD dude. How'$ it been working your $illy little retail job? You don't even know what it feel$ like to have money. If you did you would be helicoptering to Dubai every weekend dude. I worked for my Powerball ticket. I put $10 in and I got my well earned $12 million. You tell your$elf you're $taying here during $pring break to be productive, but you've never worked for your money like I have. $uck it, $on.
Wednesday, March 13th, 2019
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ARTS
“Remember slime time on Nickelodeon?”
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MYSTERY MACHINE TRAVELS TO RUTGERS BY ICKYVICKY
MEDIUM BOARD OF DIRECTORS MEETING BY P.P. HARDING
LET'S GET SCARLIT BY D-DOG
REINCARNATED PENIS DOTW BY LOU SKUNT
PERSONALS
the Medium
"Hi mailman! I'm four years old!"
LGBTIQA+
Body Modification
Medicine
Does your mom know you're gay? (Yes she does! And she's very supportive! I still remember the day she found out. I was in my room with my boyfriend, putting my mouth to his meat. We had just gotten back from football practice so his junk was nice and ripe. Just as he started spraying down my throat my mom walked in. At first she looked shocked, but then she started cheering! She got my dad, my brother, and my dog to all come in the room and watch. She even put my grandma on face time so she could see it too. It was a great bonding experience for the whole family.) How should I go about throwing a gender reveal party for myself? (Depends on what gender you plan on coming out as. But, as a general rule of thumb, don't invite anybody in your family who voted for Mitt Romney.) Is it politcally correct to call a transgender person a "nine eleven truther" in casual conversation? (Yes. Always.)
How do I tell my girlfriend that I want her to take her guages out and let me stick my dick inside her floppy distended ear holes? (Before you pop the question make sure you give her a large gift of wrist bands and pop-punk band t-shirts.) Fun things to do with a civil war bayonet? (Give yourself a lobotomy.) How do I give myself a lobotomy? (First, find a civil war bayonet, then contact me again.) The other day my boyfriend's dick piercing tore a massive hole in my vaginal wall, leaving me hospitalized indefinitely. My doctor said he needs to get rid of it if we ever want to have sex again, but now that I know what it's like to experience that extra level of penetration, I don't think I can reach orgasm again without it.
What's the best way to get rid of a hangover? (First off, you're going to need some adderal. As long as the party you're at is actually fun, this shouldn't be very hard. Next, crush up your adderal and snort it. Don't get overzealous about it though. You want some to get stuck in your nose hairs for later usage. Enjoy the rest of your night as normal, and go to sleep. When you wake in the morning, you should have a hangover. Once your head starts to hurt, rub your nose and snort. If you're greeted by a sweet and somewhat shameful taste in the back of your mouth, then you're on the right track. As last night's drugs slowly seep back into your system, your headache should dissapate, and you'll be good to go.) All this anti-vaxxer hate is really misguided. Maybe if you sheep did some actual research you'd realize you're putting poison into your bodies! I would never subject my son to such a practice. (Can I meet your kid? I wanna sneeze on him.)
(You've menstruated before right? You should be able to deal with a bloody vagina without my help.)
Word of the Week:
Wumbology
n. The study of wumbo This woman probably has horribly dated opinions about minorities!
Wednesday, March 13th, 2019
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Celebrity Quotes
Sadness I'm lonely. So lonely... (Take comfort in the fact that everybody, no matter how many friends they have, is ultimately alone. The isolation of our individual perspectives is constant and inescapable. Try as we may to describe our experiences to others, we can never truly share them. Two people can never do anything "together." This is just a word we use to describe multiple individuals having completely unique experiences in close proximity to one another. We are all alone. We are all alone. We are all alone.)
Are... are you okay? (No.) Do you want to talk about it? (What consolation could you possibly provide me? Even if you share my woe, the manner in which you experience this grief ultimately alienates you from my perspective, rendering you unable to say anything I relate to by any means other than pure luck. Leave me to live as I will die. Alone.)
Don't forget to come to our pitch meetings! Wednesday @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 109
Wednesday, March 13th, 2019
PAGE A7
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"Just give me enough for rent...and weed."
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He's At It Again! No Days Off!!
Trump Does Some Dumb Shit...Again
Terrorizingly Tasty! ISIS Cream: ISIS Attempts Brand Shift to Frozen Dairy
Doesn't Matter How Green Your Dick Is, No Ratio No Entry Pansexual Alien Sex God Kicked Out of Party for Not Having Ratio By Wiggles (Wiggy) Starfart
By Bill Levy
This just in!!! Hello my name is Bill Levy I’m the new PR guy for the widely known “Enforcement” Group, ISIS. I’m writing this editorial to inform you that ISIS is putting down the guns and “setting their sights” on your stomachs! Introducing ISIS Cream!! “The tasty treat you fat Western Devils can enjoy!” (their words) [Translated] There’s no need for fear, now the only “head pain” you’ll experience from us is brain freeze! Now in a variety of flavors including: Cave Sweat (With Pistachios), Rocket Launcher Sherbet, Falafel Chip Cookie Dough, and Journalist Softserve! Proceeds from each pint will go towards funding more innovations in the ISIS brand including DPGs (Dairy Propelled Goodness) a device that can fire ice cream at speeds of 60 mph, Sherbet Bomber Planes, and new motivational posters for the compound. So order now....or else!
On one fateful Thirsty Thursday, down from the heavens came Xeloth, Pansexual Alien Sex God. Xeloth transcends sex and gender; his prefered gender pronoun is the screeching sound of a Gonderian Hempfier from Planet Pd69. Since feeble humans like myself cannot possible put this sound into words, here is what we will work with: Xeloth likes to go by Zxe,Zxer, Zxam, and Zxames if Zxe has decided to marry a mortal for a bit of fun. Well, College Ave was blessed with Xeloth’s presence, for Zxe was in a partying mood. Xeloth heard the the eon old tales of Earth very own Slutgers, and found it to be perfect as his own personal hunting grounds. But alas, the customs of Slutgers had alluded the all-mighty Xeloth, and Zxe was not granted access to any of the crazy Frat parties. “Ratio? What an absurd thing to ask of the mighty Xeloth. I need no ratio, I am all the sex will ever need. There are those who have been blessed- or cursed for those who are foolish- with an orgasm so powerful, that they have been feeling the reverberations until the day they died. Life-forms have sacrificed hundreds of their beautiful virgins to me so that they can cure their Erectile Dysfunction. I am not one who is in need of ratio, I AM THE RATIO,” said the agitated God/Goddess. Unfortunately, this was not enough for Xeloth to get in, so away Zxe went, determined to tell the whole Pantheon of the Cosmos how much of a shithole Rutgers is.
March 13th, 2019 @TheMediumRU themedium.sports@gmail.com WHAT IS THAT?
ANTONIO BROWN HEADED TO THE RAIDERS: WILL NATURALLY BLEACH HIS STACHE
ANTONIO BROWN DURING THE OFFSEASON We can't make this shit up, people
BY ROBIN BANKS
New York — Last Saturday, former Pittsburg Steeler and wannabe Hulk Hogan mustache model, Antonio Brown signed a deal with the Oakland Raiders.
Brown, known to be one of the best wide receivers in the game, had a very long offseason. Having cited differences with the Steelers staff, most notably Ben Roethlisberger, Brown did not play a single game during
the 2018-2019 season. This ultimately led to a dent in the Steelers’ record this past season. Many administrators and general managers in the NFL are worried that Brown’s decision to simply forgo a season will start a trend for other players. In 2017, Antonio Brown signed a fresh deal which offered him $68 million for four years. For those of you who simply lost the ability to do math, that is $17 million per year. For those of you still in college and wanting to show off money that probably is not even yours, that is the equivalent of buying 106,250 AirPods…per year. What is sad about this whole situation is the Steelers establishment paying Brown despite him being at home and playing Madden 19 all day. *Insert “there are children starving in Africa” here*. Upon hearing the news, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger gave a huge sigh. “Finally. That guy kept on
making fun of my last name. Antonio, if you are reading this, my grandpappy does not own McDonald’s”. On the other hand, wide receiver JuJu SmithSchuster was crying. “Who am I gonna play Madden with man? He was my buddy”. It was only after we reminded SmithSchuster that this is the 21st century and there is something called the internet, did the man stop crying. The man of the hour, AKA Antonio Brown had only one thing in mind, his terribly bleached blonde mustache. “I can’t wait to move to California man. That sun gonna naturally make my mustache blonde. No more going to the salon”. Even after explaining to him that blonde hair does not naturally come about by staying in the sun, Brown was quite adamant. “Y’all don’t realize. I can change my DNA to whatever I want." The world is awaiting Brown’s cancer diagnosis.
Ten Ways A-Rod Can Successfully March Madness: By the Numbers Marry JLo
BY ROBIN BANKS
1 Don't cheat by humping
6
your ex-girlfriend
Hit a home run during his nuptial night
Don't anabolic steroids
Prove his worth dancing to her songs
2 mention
the
3 He becomes THE "Bronx Bomber"
4
Did we mention the 'roids?
5 Somewhow make money than her?
more
7
Days Until the start of March Madness
by
8
Get along with her kids
9
5
20
0
Hope for others if Zion Williamson comes back for Duke
20
players approached to throw their game
players have agreed to throw their game
100
23.4
Don't beat her kids with a bat
percent chance Duke will play until final four (if you know what Bequeath her your World I’m saying)
10
Series ring.
Missing Any And All 8:00 a.m.'s SINCE 1970
percent chance Virginia wins the championship