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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 6th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VEE 50¢ NOD TEN TIMES WITH YOUR HEAD IF I AM THE WINNER
CHARADES TOURNAMENT ENDS IN STALEMATE AFTER JUDGE'S PANTOMIME RULED INDECIPHERABLE NIFTY KNITTER DRAMATIC AND ACROBATIC
SOUTH PLAINFIELD — The Northeast Regional Charades Tournament came to an ambiguous finale this past Sunday after no one could interpret the judge’s decision, which was naturally relayed in the medium of pantomime. The judge, seasoned charader and retired Kohl’s sales associate Janet Bernbaum, had been a regular competitor at the competition until last year, when a herniated disk prevented her from competing. The years of bending over to pick up discarded Chaps dress pants and Jennifer Lopez tunics from the floors of her neighborhood Kohl’s took her out of the sport she loved. But after the passing of the previous judge, Rodney Clarkson, she assumed the role as judge of the NRCT with the support of the majority of the regular charaders.
[BUZZ GESTURE] [Indicates you have the x-factor]
Janet exuded wholehearted excitement to judge this year’s tournament, as expressed in her interview with us, “[holding three fingers] [holding one finger] [hand motions extending outwards] [holding two fingers] [hands pinching her own
cheeks] [holding three fingers] [kneeling to the ground to kiss the floor].” Though no words were uttered in response to the questions asked, Janet made it clear that her commitment to charades allowed her to act as an impartial judge. Continued on Page 2
ACADEMIA IS WHACKADEMIA
HISTORY MAJOR AND POLI SCI MAJOR FIGHT TO DEATH OVER FUN FACT RICHARD HERTZ CAN'T TAKE THE FEET
NEW BRUNSWICK — Anyone who has ever taken a History or Political Science class knows that there is usually that one obnoxiously studious individual that can’t wait to throw in their little trivia droppings whenever an opportunity presents itself, sometimes even making their own opportunity to do so. However, sometimes there are two or more of these types of students present in a class, and things can get pretty ugly. This past Friday afternoon, there was an incident in Van Dyke Hall on College Ave where two of these pretentious poindexters got into an altercation during a politics in the Middle Ages Course. The two
QUICKIES
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Roommate Dumping Body Out Window Had Anticipated More Snow Stupid 5-Year-Old Only Afraid of Michael Jackson Because She Thinks He's a Zombie Inside The Medium: 9/11????????? Pinot Noir is Just Italian for "No Penis" Sbarro Confirmed More Dangerous Than Men. B
MERMOMS ARE MOMS, TOO! Gills and a career? You can have it all!
students were identified as being major. The day started out as normal Gregaro MacDonald, a third year as any other, the professor began to History major, and Donald White, go over the lecture materials and a second semester Political Science Continued on Page 2
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IF YOU FEEL THE VIBE
THAT'S FACTS VALIDATE...ME...
...continued from front
given the results of the competition. “[holding five fingers] [holding one finger] [shrugs shoulders, scrunches eyebrows] [holding two fingers] [motioning finger in circle] [holding three fingers] [hugs self] [holding four fingers] [points at various points in front of him] [holding five fingers] [finger guns].”
JUST CALL ME MISS D-ERECTION
STUDENT THROWS OFF PHONE-HUNTING TEACHERS BY STARING AT CROTCH THE WHOLE CLASS
...continued from front
then mentioned the Holy Roman Empire in passing. The HRE was not the topic of discussion and the professor moved on almost immediately, but by just uttering the words Holy Roman Empire two hands sitting on opposite sides of the front row immediately shot up. “I’m not taking any questions at the moment” the professor said. The two students looked at each other across the room and became territorial. The professor tries to move on but the hands will not go down. Things began to escalate as the two start to call out to the professor to call on them. Out of principle the professor ignored them. Things slowly began to escalate. Feeling threatened, Gregaro
MacDonald began to stand so that the professor who clearly had some kind of vision impairment could get a better get a look of his raised hand. At this point Donald White saw this as a declaration of war, and that in the end there could be only one. White ran toward MacDonald and the two began to fight in some of those most brutal, savage, and kind of sad ways that the crowd had ever witnessed. After 17 minutes of brawl, and his opponent lying dead on the floor, Mr. MacDonald stood up in triumph. Covered in blood and barely able to stand, the history major said “Um, Actually the Holy Roman Empire was not holy, Roman, or an empire.” before then collapsing dead on the floor, content in his fate.
A LITTLE SNAC
WOLFGANG AMADEUS FUCK BOI GENIUS
PISCATAWAY — “They’ll never catch me alive!” This is the mantra of one Rutgers student, who believes that he has successfully gamed the system. While Rutgers is not a high school--or at least claims to provide higher education-- Professors and TAs have their eyes out for any bored student skimming the latest chapter of Sword Art Online on their mobile devices. Like a majestic jaguar waiting to pounce on their prey, they are waiting to catch you in the act and start cutting you down-- or at least cut down your participation points. This is where our brave little Rutgers Rebel comes in, with his high stakes, adrenaline rush of a plan to trick professors at their own games. “Yeah, I just stare at my dick all class. That’s really it,” explains the Rebel, “Sometimes a professor will call me out and go, ‘no one just stares at their crotch all class. Get off your phone.’ Then I just say I’m
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"I'm doing alright, kombuchu?"
ELEVEN FINGERS UP IN THE SKY
Unfortunately, her impartiality ended with an impasse in scoring because no one else could determine who she had chosen as the first place winner because she was so dedicated to delivering the answer in pantomime. Finalist Jerrod Hanks appeared surprisingly at ease,
Wednesday, March 6th, 2019
staring at my dick. Pretty simple, so if you can excuse me, I’m going to go back to staring at my dick” What a modest, silent type. The silent protagonist of everyone video game ever made. A regular James Dean: rebel without a cause. The lone warrior against the army of lowly paid educators. An inspiration to those who have short attention spans, a guru to those who can’t stop playing that cookie clicker game, a messiah for voyeurists who can’t stop staring at their own genitals. His form of silent protest both disrupts the status quo and makes those in charge look like the fools they are. He does what he can to fight the good fight so that you and I can continue not getting the education we paid for. God Bless that dickstaring Rebel, that goddamn maverick of a man.
LITERALLY WHAT DO I HAVE TO SAY TO MAKE YOU COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 7:45 IN LSC 109
Editor-in-Chief Jordan Plaut Managing Editor Dan Cretella Business Manager Shaina Joseph Spring 2019 Mascot Interim Cucumber
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News Editors Marissa Schwartz Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Mike Celletti Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to my fellow email sluts
FEATURES
Wednesday, March 6th, 2019 themedium.features@gmail.com
“Healthy eating? More like destroy my body”
WHAT I LEARNED IN BOATING SCHOOL IS...
Anatomy Of A... By Elon Thrust
Organic Chemistry
Where you visually perceive your shitty test grades
How you passed high school Barely works because it was destroyed by daily marijuana use
Honeycombs, made by real bees
FIND OUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOURS!
Which Afterlife Is Your Pet Going To? By Wolfgang Amadeus Fuck
College Student Brain
Bong
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Drunk Motor Memory
Production of anger about buses
Ice Catcher, so you can pretend your lungs are fine Splash guard, like a life guard, but completely different Bowl that costs too much money Stem, which will never be clean
Ben Shapiro Stereo Matrix, does not play tunes
Love of my life
DID YOU KNOW... VALIDATION IS BETTER THAN SEX??? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND MORE 100% TRUE FACTS AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 109 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
We’ve all heard the the age old adage: All dogs go to heaven. But dogs are not the only pets in the world (clearly are the best though). So we at the Medium have consulted our Mediums- AKA unpaid, lowly, interns- to find the place your pet is going to live its afterlife. Here is what we got back with. Dogs: This one is pretty obvious, they go to Heaven, duh. Your greatest friend is going to go straight to Saint Peter when he dies and going to be as adorable as he was when he was snuggling on your lap. Just be warned, dogfighters are also chilling in heaven. Get ready for some white knuckle entertainment. Cats: After your good ol’ cat wasted away all of its nine lives, it goes straight to purgatory. They go to the eternal waiting room to just do what they always do, lay about and ignore literally everyone. One minute they are rubbing against a lost soul, the other minutes they just lay down exactly at the same spot, staring at the lost soul’s empty eyes. It’s a purr-fect place for cats. Except Zack’s cat, Namitz, that fucker is going straight to Hell. Birds: Speaking of Hell, that is where your pet parakeet went to, not the farm. They are employed by the gracious and always charming host, Satan, to peck all the infidels and heathens to death. Peck Peck Peck, and the sin goes away. Okay, not really, unfortunately Hell isn’t a rehabilitation center. You just get pecked to death as a cacophony of geese scream for all of eternity. Reptiles: This one is easy, Reptiles are Jewish and do not believe in the afterlife. Yes, you heard that right, all reptiles are Jewish. They are all circumcised and don’t eat pigs. That alt-right conspiracy theory was right, lizard people run the world and they’re Jewish and stuff. Don’t read into it too much, it’s just how it is. Rabbits: When rabbits die, they get reincarnated into two newborn rabbits. It is why the phrase “breed like rabbits” exists. They are perpetually making more and more of themselves, each time the experience of one Rabbit is cut in half to become the life force of two tiny bunnies. Pretty sick if you ask me Fish: Fish don’t die. Fish just go down into the ocean and become food for other fish. Fish are the scourge of the world, always swimming in their own filth. They are lifeless husks that give a bad name to evolution. Don’t get me started on fishpeople. Ugh.
THE TEAMWORK IS REAL
10 Most Fuckable Smash Characters By Elon Thrust and Throbin Williams
1. Duck Hunt - Man’s best friend meets their sub-prey for a seriously fucked up time with these feisty furry feather friends. 2. King K. Rool - That belly looks great to cuddle on after you watch Shape of Water and hang out in his castle. 3. Diddy Kong - That gun isn’t the only thing that can deliver a banana if you know what I mean. This thing packs a WALLOP! 4. Ice Climbers - Get double teamed with these two hammers and one might even stick around after the other finishes. 5. Mr. Game & Watch - More like Mr. Fuck & Watch! Plus he’ll cook you breakfast the morning after he delivers that sausage. 6. R. O. B. - Hatefuck this stupid robot into a thousand pieces. Then put all the pieces in a jar, and hatefuck the jar. 7. Piranha Plant - I mean look at those big lips. Who doesn’t like a little bit of cellulite? This thicc plant keeps it all natural. 8. Falco, Wolf, and Fox - This one really takes me back to Furcon 2015 where I watched Wolf and Falco cuck Fox. *rawr XD* 9. Luma (not Rosalina) - Fleshlights are way too expensive right? Also sucks that they aren’t sentient beings, right? 10. Mewtwo - Look, tails don’t start in the front, that’s all I’m saying here. Plus, he kinda has dick fingers. Nice.
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OPINIONS
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“OH GOD!!! I just got pricked by my cats insulin shot! am I going to be OK!!!”
HATEFUL PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HATE EITHER
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Midterms are Such a Hassle, What are Your Best Study Techniques? "Sit in a corner and cry.” Carmen Titliyany Helpless without her parents.
“Contemplate what you're doing with your life going 40k in debt for a piece of paper.” Peter Feldon Gender studies major.
“I like to study while taking my exam. I use adjecent exams as my notes to memorize” Frank Calder Ahead of his time.
BIGGER THAN A MAN ON THE MOON
I Finally saw Batman's Penis and I Cried BY ZACHARY FOX, OPINIONS EDITOR
I know, I know, Batman’s beautiful
schmeckle appeared in the Batman: Damned’s first issue which came out months ago, but when I first found out his godly stick of power graced the pages of the comic book I wasn’t ready, I needed to do more research. I needed to feel it in my heart and when that day would come I would be ready. People tried to show it to me, but I refused to see it, not till it was time. My research started where all comic book readers start when it comes to looking at superhero genitalia, with one of the greatest comic book cocks of all time, Dr. Manhattan. Because Dr. Manhattan is basically a god he no longer feels the insecurities that come along with nudity so his thick schlub graces the pages of Watchmen frequently. I spent hours staring at multiple images of Dr. Manhattan’s penis and months of other superhero digletts including the small glimpses of Deadpools schlong in 2016’s Deadpool film. It was March 2nd and I was finally ready. Sadly there were limited versions of the uncensored version of Batman: Damned issue #1 and I had to pay $300, but by God it was worth it. As I flipped through the pages that unforgettable saturday night, I grew more and more excited for the image to grace my eyes. It was once I reached page 30 that I realized I was witnessing something that I could never have possibly dreamed of. If I told my 8 year old self he would one day get to see Batman’s mightiest weapon he’d never believe me. I stared at that page for about 15 hours and tears ran down my face the entire time. I don’t recall blinking, just the image that has enlightened me and changed my life forever.
Please Don’t Leave Hateful Discussion Under My Neo Nazi ISIS-themed Bikini Tween Elsa Vlogs
BY MODERATEEUGENECISTGAMER1986 Hey, ModerateEugenecistGamer1986 here with good and bad news! The good news is that with the Frozen 2 trailer, me and Sheila are happy to announce more content coming soon! The bad news? YouTube has recently announced that they will now potentially demonetize videos over “inappropriate” comments, all because of some pompous buzzkill asshole named Matt Watson. Guy made a couple upskirt vids of schoolgirls, camgirls, searched the other commenters searching for timestamps of toddlers, but that’s none of my business. Long story short, this narcissistic fuckhead decided that he wants all our attention, ad revenue, and love, our mutually platonic, consensual, non-sexualized love, for himself. Longtime subscribers know that all of my vlogs are definitely just deeply layered ironic satire and family friendly performance art. My scantily clad niece & I aren’t actually advocating for the installation of a ethnostate caliphate castle that’s only meant for white Aryans and Aryan Aryans. We didn’t perform a parody of “Let It Go” as a sincere response to Child Protective Services. Our 24-hour Spider Man PS4 spandex thong NAMBLA charity stream was auteurism. I know we got a lot of shit in SuperChats, but we couch spooned out of a sense of mutual love, compassion, and familial bondage. It’s par for the course that some will take me out of context, but if there’s anything I’m not, it’s a bigoted pedophile. First of all, get your fucking semantics right and Google HEBEphilia. Second, I’m not racist; my third cousin’s half-brother twice removed is black, any Aryan down for the cause is welcome, and that bignose joke when I beheaded “Olaf” with a plastic butter knife was JUST A MEME, people. No matter how much you bastards want to trounce free speech and oppress others for DIFFERENT PREFERENCES, I will not be silenced. I will prevail, and can prevail
A PROPER SOLUTION
Rutgers Bus Drivers Should Have Mandatory Catheters BY DICK VEINEY
There is nothing worse in this world than pre-planning your schedule to maximize the most amount of time you can in bed and then the bathroom break happens. It goes like this: you plan to take a bus at this time because that’s the latest you can push it off to and not be so late for your class that the TA has already taken the attendance sheet away. The bus pulls up, you hop on, you arrive on time, right? Wrong. Because it just so happens, like seemingly every single bus you get on, the bus driver has decided to take their bathroom break: the bathroom break that takes about 15 minutes and 20 years off your life. That’s why I propose that Rutgers bus drivers should have mandatory catheters. Think about all the time saved! The efficiency! It’s even good for the environment because less bathroom breaks means less toilet water flushed. Think of it as Rutgers being more inclusive as well. Someone whose dream of driving the big ol B bus being held back by incontinence? Not anymore! Rutgers bus drivers can now drive non-stop for however many hours a day just so I can get to class on time instead of me simply budgeting a little more lee-way into my schedule.
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ARTS
“The mailman is a government agent I tell ya.....!!!!”
MEDIUM HQ BY P.P. HARDING
APOLLO 69 DOTW BY LOU SKUNT
NEO........NAZI BY LOU SKUNT
WAIFU JESUS BY LOU SKUNT
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PERSONALS
"FOR GOD'S SAKE I JUST WANNA SEE MY KIDS!"
Communism
I'm not long for this I can't stop falling in and world. How can I con- out of love with great thinkers. vince the Make-A-Wish communist What do I do if I want foundation to euthanize me in the most fucking Marx to leave a mark on my ass? metal way possible? (To be honest, I can't even (First off, sorry about the blame you. That's a damn whole dying thing man. My uncle did that shit last fine beard he had. If you're September. Looked like it looking for someone who's really sucked. As for your still alive, I recommend question, why wait for the Slavoj Zizek.) Make-A-Wish foundation If communism only to execute you when leg- works on paper, then endary metal percussion- why are all of the enist James "The Rev" Sul- emies in Paper Mario, livan already showed you The Thousand Year Door the way? Just do a bunch of serving under Bowser, heroin!) who is clearly a fascist I have become addicted dictator? to Flinstones gummy vi- (Shigeru Miyamoto is a tamins, and if I don't stop known right wing sympaI might yabba dabba die. thizer, and massive propo(Keep it up! There are only nent of imperial Japan. He so many unique ways to would never let his characdie left after all these years! ters go anywhere near such You're sitting on quite the a left leaning ideology.)
Wednesday, March 6th, 2019
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QOTW
Music Sometimes being a metal fan feels like a real social handicap. The music at literally every social event I've ever been to has been so unpleasant for me to hear that it just completely ruins my ability to have any fun. (I know right! I do my best to make playlists that are agreeable but I've literally had people come to MY house and tell MY Amazon Echo to play their own shitty music instead of the stuff I spent all morning curat-
The Jonas Brothers released a new song!!! (Listen lady, there's only one boy-band from my childhood that I care about and it's Big Time Rush.) The other day I tried to connect with my son by showing him some of the I liked a few pictures of music I used to listen to opportunity right now!) when I was his age. ApHow much coffee do you Bernie Sanders on Insta- parently the "drop" in think I'd need to drink, in gram and now my feed Stairway to Heaven is the next hour, in order to is full of accounts saying "weak AF." Now I'm just that the people Joseph kind of sad and ashamed. (I don't know but one time Stalin killed deserved it. (Get with the times old during finals week I drank 3 (I SAID NO BERNIE man! Nobody cares about red eyes at once and it made SANDERS THIS WEEK!) your shitty old folk tunes my brain hurt real bad.) anymore. Listen to some real complex shit like KendSurprise! rick Lamar or J. Cole.) Dead Racoon! Sometimes when I listen to old My Chemical Romance songs I can smell the leather from the seats of my mom's old van from when she used to drive me to school in the mornings. (The same thing happens to me whenever I hear old Foo Fighters songs. Except instead of my mom's van I smell the Newports that my step dad used to smoke outside the local Chuck-ECheese's he'd take me to every other weekend because my mom said we needed "bonding time.") How am I supposed to resist the urge to tell everyone in the room that Chris Brown is piece of Come to our pitch meetings! human shit every time We're dying to meet you! someone puts him on at a party? (Why resist it? Eveybody Wednesday @ 7:45pm knows he beats women. Livingston Student Center Sure it'll be super unwelcome and you'll completely 109 kill the mood, but anybody who tries to challenge you will look even worse for defending a domestic abuser. You're golden!)
Anime
What's a good anime to watch if I don't want to have to rapidly switch it off every time someone enters the room? (Stuff like Naruto, One Piece, and Dragonball Z are always a safe bet. Those are a bit mainstream for my taste though. I'd start withHigh School DXD and just accept the type of person you've become.) People who hate on anime just don't understand it. They cover so many complex and nuanced topics that you'd never see in western media. (I agree completely. Without anime I would never have been introduced to such thought provoking concepts as ahegao or 15 year old girls with boobs the size of basketballs.) Does Teen Titans or Avatar: The Last Airbender count as anime? (That's a hotly debated topic, and if we're being honest, there's no clear answer. But if you ask me they totally are and anyone who disagrees is an elitist fuck.) I love Pokemon. Really, I do. But I swear I can not watch the anime for more than five minutes without getting unreasonably angry. How in the fuck is Pikachu supposed to beat an Onix with thunderbolt? By trying super hard? By believing in himself? It's bullshit. (Sounds like someone doesn't believe in the heart of the cards.)
Fire
Am I the only one who's kind of jealous of California and their near apocolyptic forest fires? They just seem so fun, bright, and warm! (Well, when you put it that way I'm inclined to agree with you. Jersey is so boring. All we have are large swaths of urban sprawl punctuated by mildly pleasant suburbs populated with people who feel like they have to explain that they don't live in the urban sprawl whenever they talk to someone from out of state.) Yesterday my desk lamp overheated and set my house ablaze. Decades and decades of pictures, knick-knacks, and memories went up in smoke over the course of three hours. I'm still a little shell shocked, but my wife took it much harder. She hasn't spoken since the place went up. (This sounds like a great opportunity to start fresh! Once the insurance money comes in I'm sure she'll forget all about that old shack that the two of you built a life in. Tell her to quit being such a negative Nelly and look towards the future!) Help! I'm on fire! (Like, figuratively or literally? Cuz if it's figuratively then good for you man. Sounds like things are going really good for you. I'm so proud. It sounds like you're doing really well for yourself.)
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"Look for signs and follow them...otherwise you'll shit yourself before finding the bathroom."
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"Us too," -God's Angels
God Confirms Sexual Misconduct Rumors By: Dandy Cough-man Licks Stamps
Heaven, Purgatory- Within the last 2 millenia, over four-thousand angels have come forward, with reports that God had talked or behaved inappropriately in the workplace. “The truth is we just don’t feel comfortable working in the same universe as Him. The way He talks and acts is too much for any spiritual entity to handle, plus I even heard rumors that He impregnated a virgin!” said Archangel Michael. Last Thursday God released a statement confirming the allegations of inappropriate sexual behavior saying. “I abused my infinite power and dominion over all things in the universe and for my actions I am deeply regretful. This does not represent me as a higher multi-dimensional being.” Despite the allegations, God plans to continue releasing new species and natural disasters in the subsequent months. “Yes the reality of the situation is tragic, but I have some really important projects coming up that you should all be on the lookout for. Lava rain! There I said it, I’m too excited to keep it in.” Lucifer commented saying he didn’t “fall from heaven” but was forced to leave after threatening to break his NDA. “I was going to tell everyone about the unwanted halo rubs, constant voyeurism, and apparitions in the bathroom but God clipped my wings and sent me to Hell. What an ordeal this has been, I guess that’s what I get for being outspoken.” God has decided to spend some time on Cloud Nine reflecting on his behavior before the release of Lava rain. “I’ll see you all in a few days or so!” He said at press time.
Sick of this idiot yet?
Bacteri-YUMMMMMMMMMM
Violating Academic Integrity is Both Very College Recipe Guide: Fun and Very Profitable Homebrew Kombucha By: Throbin Williams Step 1: Bring 2 quarts of water to a boil and add tea. Step 2: Add tea to gallon jar and prepare bacteria. Step 3: Any bacteria will do, but anything found growing in your bathroom or basement is best. Step 4: Cover with 6 Hanes crewneck shirts secured with twine and leave the jar in your trunk for 7 days. Step 5: Start tasting your kombucha after one week, both sipping the tea and eating the chunks. Step 6: Once it tastes how you like it, remove the chunks of bacteria and return them to your bathroom. Step 7: Don't strain your kombucha before bottling it, because eating gross food makes you smart and cool. Step 8: Allow kombucha to carbonate for 7 days. Step 9: Post the extensive album of pictures you have documenting your process to facebook so people see. Step 10: Spend a shit ton of money for custom bottle labels even though you'll do this two more times max. Step 11: Question whether this is actually healthy. Step 12: Remember that it makes you look cool and you put worse stuff in your body every day. Step 13: Drink the kombucha in less than a month or it'll go bad and you'll get sick and look like an idiot. Step 14: Repeat until you see an article about how its actually bad for you to drink kombucha every day. Step 15: Found Goop.
By: Ada Student
Hi!! I’m Ada, and I have no less than fifty academic integrity violations! I specialize in writing papers for other classmates, but I’ve been known to dabble in stealing answer keys and recycling old assignments. Now, you probably know that violating academic integrity is fun and an incredibly helpful victimless crime, but did you know that you can also make money off it? That’s right! Charging desperate students $15 a page for essays they just can’t be bothered to do adds up quick, and before you know it you can be making enough money in a semester to buy textbooks for the next. Surprised? I was too! A friend of mine who never showed up to lecture and didn’t even had a textbook was worried about his psychology paper, so I offered to do it for him. It was just a bit of fun, I could only submit one paper and couldn’t narrow down my topics so it was nice to be able to do two. To my surprise, he venmo’d me $60 a few days later! It was amazing to see that one of my favorite hobbies (essays) could actually turn a solid profit! From there, I was addicted. I could write all the essays I had time for, and the money couldn’t stop flowing in. Of course, all this comes at a price: this is technically against the rules. Not the little “teacher rules” where you’ll just get shamed in front of the class and maybe lose points, but me and my clients could all get kicked out of school if we were caught. It’s stupid, I’m just trying to run a business, but if Rutgers gets its big nose involved then I’d be facing some serious disproportionate retribution. To be honest, though… running around, trying to get customers without anyone at Rutgers finding out… that’s part of the fun. And so is the knowledge that if I get taken down, I can take dozens of people with me. This all started as an innocent hobby, then a job, but I like playing a puppetmaster a lot more.
Are you often bored? Do you no longer take interest in your hobbies? Neither do we! Come find people who get you. Livi Student Center Room 109 Wednesdays 7:45 pm
March 6th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.sports@gmail.com WITH A SIDE OF FRIES, PLEASE
THE COMBINE: THE NFL’S FAST FOOD ORDER
SOME GUY IN THE COMBINE Sorry, we don't know when he got drafted
BY ROBIN BANKS
INDIANNAPOLIS, — This past weekend, the NFL invited approximately 335 of the top collegiate football players to Lucas Oil Stadium in order to
display their skills to various NFL teams. The Combine is notorious for affecting the draft status for prospective players. For example, a pre-Combine player could potentially fall a whole round in the draft
if he does not perform up to standards. Players are judged based on their performance in the 40yard dash, bench press, vertical jump, and a variety of skills. It is a place where hopefuls display their skills for NFL coaches and owners. Much of the process involves team specifics. For example, a team may be looking for a linebacker weighing between 250-300 pounds, a minimum of 20 reps in the bench press, and a fast sprint time. This nitpicking is similar to an everyday fast food order. “Uhhhh. Yeah. OK. I’d like a number 7, with extra cheese, no tomatoes, no lettuce, no onions. Basically, just the meat, bread and cheese.” Additionally, many of the players are assessed on their interviews between various teams. Their inner quality is assessed. This is similar to the quality of meat. For example, an answer such as, “I came here
Cricket: By the Numbers
Ten Ways Trae Young Can Win Rookie of the Year
BY ROBIN BANKS
1 Luka Doncic gets sidelined
6 The Hawks actually beat a
He fixes his hairline
2
7 Pray that the NBA execs
within 3 month
8 Get Mamba Mentality?
with an injury
3 He gains 40 lbs of muscle 4 He grows nearly 5 inches in 3 months
5support
Get the of Donovan Mitchell fans
top 10 team
85
Million people that play and watch cricket
105
3-5
Countries recognize cricket as a competitive sport.
Days is the average match time for cricket
0.01
0
joing the struggling Lakers
10 Wait until next year?
250
Days Until the start of the Cricket World Cup
are a bunch of xenophobes
9 Get out of the ATL and
after facing much adversity. I want to by my momma a big house when I’m in the league” would be comparable to an InN-Out Cheeseburger. On the contrary, an answer such as, “I can’t wait for this money. I’m just gonna hit the club and wife a b**** up” would be comparable to McDonald’s mystery meat. With the NFL Draft on April 25th, many players are hyping themselves up. “I ain’t no fish sandwich from Long John Silver”, said Michigan Defensive End Rashan Gary. “I’m a four course meal at Le Bernardin”. With such confidence, (and may we say such refined taste) Coming from a background where many of these players only have dreamed of owning their own sports cars and homes, the Draft is a place of security and a financial stability. Of course, this will only last until they get injured while dancing at the club, gand going bankrupt before turning 33.
percent chance Americans would last a whole match
Falling through "The Shallow" SINCE 1970
People reading this have probably heard of cricket