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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY*
April 10th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE XXI 50¢ POP-AND-LOCK DOWN YOUR BABY DADDY
GIRL WHO PULLS “I’M PREGNANT” APRIL FOOLS JOKE EVER YEAR ACTUALLY PREGNANT DICK VEINY POPPIN' SINCE 1998
NEW BRUNSWICK---- Aubrey Graham was once among the many millions of girls who pull the “I’m Pregnant” April Fools joke every year on everyone from their insufficiently happy boyfriend to their father, who really can’t afford another heart attack. But this year, in a plot twist of fetal proportions, about a week after April Fools, there were two lines on the pregnancy test she took after having missed her last period. “I don’t understand” she said, nearly in tears. “It must have been the new condom we were using. We had to switch brands after they stopped making the ‘Still in Puberty’ line and-” [At this point Aubrey’s boyfriend, who is 28 years old, pulled her aside and said something about her being hysterical and
POP IT! TWIST IT! BOIOIOIOIOIOING
to please omit that line from my report.] Further research indicates that Aubrey actually might be onto something. After some digging, it appears there are fifty lawsuits pending against ‘PopIt! Incorporations’ which makes
everything from condoms to firecrackers to, oddly enough, anesthesia. The common complaint among these lawsuits is with the condom not being able to stay on during performance time. Whenever pressure is applied down the middle, the sides roll up Continued on Page 2
THAT'S ~MY~ ARTHOUSE FILM MOMMY!
PBS KIDS & TELETOON FILMS ANNOUNCE LIVE ACTION “CAILLOU” SEQUEL BRADLEY “BRAD” TANNER STREETWISE CHILDREN’S CARTOON CORRESPONDENT
LOS ANGELES---- Millenials and zoomers all over the world were recently taken aback by the surprise announcement of a live action “Dora The Explorer” movie starring Isabela Moner, Danny Trejo, and Benicio Del Toro, but that’s not the only kid’s show property getting an arbitrary revival that nobody asked for. According to PBS Chief Paula Kerger, Caillou is set to receive a three-hour live action sequel of its own, written and directed by avant garde filmmaking auter Lars Von Trier. Set 22 years after the original series, “Caillou’s Blood and Soil” focuses on the eponymous tragic protagonist, alone, forgotten, and
FROM KID WHO'S FOUR TO FOR-GOTTEN ADULT MAN Each day in prison he learns some more
a despondent, forsaken man. Five years after Mommy abandoned him and two years after Daddy died of fentanyl overdose, Caillou
is rudderless, castigated, and strewn upon the streets when him and his sister Rosie have failed to make rent. After slaughtering a Continued on Page 2
KICKIN' IT APA STYLE Since 1970
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Good Gaypril to You All, Friends! (Check Out Our Pride Gray-dients) Friend Shocked, Hurt After Being Friendzoned by Friend Equivalent of 3 Americans Killed in Afghanistan Bomb Raid Local Mom Just Realized Metaphor in Song Means Sex "Hmm, Interesting" Replies Dad After Learning Something About Son That He Did Not Want to Know Are You All Right or Alt Right? Get Diagnosed Today!
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NEWS
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"If you see someone, say someone."
"POPPING A BONER"
I'M VIIINCE VAUGHN, VIIINCE VAUGHN
...HAS A WHOLE NEW MEANING... uncontrollably - leading to them spontaneously ‘springing’ off. Unfortunately this threshold for pressure seems to coincide with the amount of force used right before male orgasm, so these two events are often simultaneous. Pop-It Inc. denies any knowledge of this flaw in their condoms but looks to settle outside of court for all fifty cases. These condoms currently have a 3.1 review on Amazon. “Honestly I thought the tagline was funny, which is why I bought it,” said one one-star review online, referring to the ‘Pop It! That Pussy, That Is’ slogan, “but I can’t have sex without remembering the sensation of it popping off me. I’m traumatized.” However, one five star
Wednesday, April 10th, 2019
...continued from front
reviewer raved, “I literally can’t nut if I am not wearing Pop-It! Condoms. I was honestly thinking about leaving my girlfriend because sex just wasn’t exciting anymore. A guy can only imagine Paula Deen so many times before even that country goddess isn’t enough. But thanks to this condom and some butter, our sex life-- and relationship-- is saved!” When asked how Aubrey and her boyfriend will deal with this unexpected surprise, Aubrey responded that depending whether or not her baby was expected to be a Capricorn or a Sagittarius, she would abort it.
STAR-BELLIED REVERSE RACISM
TRUMP WARNS NATION OF ‘DANGEROUS MESSAGES’ BEING SENT IN DOCTOR SEUSS’S 'THE SNEETCHES'
THAT'S ME!
...continued from front
toddler whilst under the influence in a gruesome, NC-17 eight minute long take shot, Caillou must look alive, adapt fast, and navigate the waters of Canada’s most dangerous correctional facility. Adapt he does, and far too well, as we watch him gradually descend into the brutal, dour, and radicalized depths of the Aryan Brotherhood, running skinhead methamphetamine, dominating the cell block fight club for commissary payments, and posting about his superior white distended fupa gut on farright message boards. Fortunately, after a traumatic shanking, we find our anti-hero in the infirmary, where he befriends another kid’s show darling named Bill: Little
NEWS IN PICTURES
Bill. Bill helps Caillou move past the reactionary prejudice of his cellmates, Caillou helps Bill move past the horrifying misogyny and serial sexual abuse of his forefather, and both are let out on parole, happily ever after, turning over a new leaf, until Caillou himself is struck and killed by an inebriated driver. In a 15 minute post-credits monologue, Caillou witnesses a dying vision of his deceased cat Gilbert (voiced by Tim Curry) as he drowns in his own blood, establishing the PBS Kids’ Cinematic Universe and the arthouse Little Bill psychological horror spin-off once and for all. Nothing is finalized, but Vince Vaughn is rumored to play the starring role of Caillou. Release date TBA.
ROGER'S WANG HAS A MIND OF HIS OWN
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After bragging about his newly acquired skill of being able to read, President Trump sent out a tweet denouncing Dr. Seuss’s The Sneetches for its ‘dangerous messages’: “What is this Dr. Seuss guy doing? I just finished reading his book ‘The Sneezes’ which started out really strong by the way with the segregation and stuff but then for some reason the INFERIOR sneezes were being treated like equals! This is the WORST thing ever! Is THIS what you want to be teaching your kids? Rise up and AVOID this FAKE NEWS if you want to avoid teaching them dangerous messages!” Supporters of Trump took the next step and filed a petition to ban all Dr. Seuss literature from
schools. Trump supporter Ana Rimmings cited Dr. Seuss’s Green Eggs and Ham as another example that indoctrinated youth with inappropriate messages. “I will NOT stand idle as my children are brainwashed into disgusting open-minded, accepting liberals that want to be vaccinated!” said Rimmings, after she finished speaking to somebody’s manager. However when asked more details regarding the movement, supporters had already forgotten what it was about. After a brief moment of confusion they left and moved on to the next trending hashtag.
Editor-in-Chief Editorial Managing Editor Staff Business Manager Spring 2019 Mascot
Jordan Plaut Dan Cretella
Shaina Joseph Juicing Goose
LORI LOUGHLIN SPOTTED TREATING RUTGERS FOOTBALL COACH TO A CHILI CHEESE DOG AND DAUGHTER'S RESUME AT SUMMER PRACTICE When your first choice school doesn't work out, there's always Rutgers.
IT'S APRIL AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T MADE ANY FRIENDS, YOU SAY? WELL YOU PROBABLY WON'T MAKE ANY HERE, BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN WRITE FOR US.
COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45PM IN LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109. LOOKING FOR DIVERSE VOICES. News Editors Marissa Schwartz Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Mike Celletti Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
Sports Editor Copy Editor Senior Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Samuel Hammer Vickram Singh Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Big Lori Loughlin
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Cool Cat's Twitter account for always giving 100%
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FEATURES
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“I take ma horse to a hotel roooooom”
I CALL MY BACHELOR PAD “THE DRAGON”
Movie Review: Enter The Dragon
By Icky Vicky I, like every testosterone filled hunk of man, nutted at the sight of the great Bruce Lee impersonation in the new trailer for Quentin Tarantino’s Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. Filled with admiration for the masculine beauty of that absolute unit of an actor, I had to see the real thing. Bruce Lee one-inch punched a hole in Hollywood with his breakout hit, Enter the Dragon, which is why I’m reviewing it. I don’t have much to review because Bruce Lee doesn’t get to do shit for most of the movie. Instead, there are all these other actors who have ACTUAL scenes.There is a discount Sean Connery- who just HAPPENS to know martial arts, some old fart who’s the villain, and the one cool black guy who dies first. SAD. Too bad it’s a highly misogynistic movie and has a highly problematic way of representing the very real issue of human trafficking. Unrealistic portrayal of real issues that effect women are HIGHLY UNMANLY. Fortunately, BRUCE FUCKING LEE steals the goddamn show. He lays down the hurt on all those goddamn extras. Full grown men are literally flying with themere sound of his high pitched battle cries. He is the only person who asks for a gun before the tournament, LIKE A REAL MAN. Thankfully, he doesn’t need one. He kicks ass, tears the old fart a new one, and tells discount Sean Connery he’s a dummy. Bruce Lee = A+ ; Everything else = F.
CAN YOU RELATE??
Indian Culture Shocks I’ve Encountered at Rutgers By A Fellow Indian 1 - I found only tissue paper in the loo instead of a jet or a mug. 2 - I observed people driving responsibly in the same lane throughout a drive and following the traffic rules religiously. 3 - When I realized that I have to only eat different form of breads/ euphemism for bread i.e. Bagel, Croissant, Sub roll, Kaiser roll for the rest of my life. 4 - When I had to appreciate Avocado/Guacamole and Bacon no matter how much I dislike it. 5 - When I found out that it is not okay to ask for water from someone else *read Americans*. 6 - After seeing people vaping and JUULing and mistaking it as something else. 7 - When I realized that American football is handball basically and Soccer is football. Also, no one enjoys cricket as a sport. 8 - There is more to meat than chicken, Mutton and fish. One can eat beef openly *I repeat openly without fear of pseudo nationalists*. 9 - After seeing the HUGE portion of food in fast food chains which reinstated my faith in humanity. Later, I praised the genius who came up with the idea of drink refills in America. 10 - Pizza slice is the ‘Samosa’ and ‘Vada Pao’ of America. 11 - Jaywalking is a crime and could cost a hefty ticket. 12 - One can joke openly even about their own President and people don’t get offended by jokes unlike back home.
DID YOU KNOW... HORSES ARE SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER PERSONAL ISSUES I HAVE AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 109 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
CUZ WE DON’T DO THIS ENOUGH
Whoreoscopes By Dick Veiney
Aries - This week is gonna be a tough one if you don’t keep your temper in check. After all, attempting to karate-kick every single person who thinks black is an acceptable color to wear in the heat won’t end well for you. Taurus - Time is running out to blame your eating habits on the weather. If you want any hope for a summer fling, you better start eating the grass outside rather than smoking grass inside. Gemini - Maybe it isn’t the best idea to tag your roommate on instagram in the third dress you stole from them this week to keep up with all the formals you’ve overbooked your schedule with. Cancer - Sad times ahead Cancer (when is it not?); your friends only had seasonal depression so in a few weeks, they’ll get sick of hearing about your regular, crippling depression. At least you always have Oreos right? Leo - It’s time to walk the walk Leo. You’ve talked all winter that once hoeing season starts, you were gonna come back with a vengeance, and those frat boys at Alpha Alpha Something haven’t forgot it. Virgo - Spring cleaning is a must for you this week! How else are you going to make room for the new bags of stress-induced vomiting from finals you keep under your bed if you don’t clean out the ones from midterms? Libra - Better watch your wallet, Libra. Warm weathers means more brunches and between the $20 french toast and your obsession with getting acrylics done every other week, you’re gonna be broke before Coachella. Scorpio - Wear black at your own risk Scorpio! I know it’s the only color that represents you on the inside, but I have a suspicion that doing so may result in a dirty sneaker print on your back and a concussion. Sagittarius - Day drinking is finally acceptable again but I would try holding off until at least Wednesday morning. I heard the hottest alcoholics party on Wednesday. Monday is for the recently dumped and DUFFS exclusively. Capricorn - As midterms have passed, try not to keep yourself holed up in your room so much. Remember that maintenance guy who promised you that odd black spot on the wall wasn’t mold? Well, it’s growing. Aquarius - Feeling sick? How coincidental that the there seems to be more chemtrails than usual lately in the sky. And Capricorn is actually outside for once! Better post this to your conspiracy Tumblr. Pisces - Now that the temperature is reaching above 70 degrees, you can finally stop binge watching those vacation vlogs to escape. Too bad the same doesn’t apply to watching those ‘Girlfriend Cuddles You Roleplay/ASMR.
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OPINIONS “What do you want Dad?!” "I was hoping you'd wish me a happy birthday."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
It's finally starting to get warm out, what do you like to do when there is amazing weather??
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HE LOVES PUPPIES BUT HE HATES MOB BABIES
Gov. Cuomo Releases DISGUSTING “John Wick” Ad Where He EXECUTES NEWBORN RUSSIAN MOB BABIES
BY SGT. CPL. ALPHA CHIAPPIA REMINGTON WESSON JR. "Stand outside college ave. stu ATTENTION PATRIOTS: As dent center and play my terrible those of you who’ve followed the newsletter Facebook group may music on five speakers” know, DEMONRAT N.Y. Governor Andre Titliyany Andrew M.(arxist) CUOMO recently shouldn't be so hard on himself, announced a vile, reprehensible Creed is amazing. expansion of the state’s abortion (DEATH) legislation. Don’t believe the feelings over fact snowflakes, or “Finally masturbate out in the socialist liberal media lies that the law only allows 24 week abortions to save a mother’s life: COMMIEopen again” O extended BABY-KILLING MURDER DEATH AFTER BIRTH. Ted Sheldon Even though we all know life begins at conception, you Performing arts and computer scishould be EVEN MORE outraged about this particular act of infanence double major. ticidal killing because someone told me you should! I should know; I have served countless tours of duty, but they all pale to the repugnant guilt I experienced upon inflicting merciless genocide into my “Dismiss the problem of homeCRUSTY SOCK to a Mia Khalifa video. What can I say folks? She’s one of the good ones: Mr. CUMMYO is NOT. lessness in America because, In fact, I have it on good word from an anonymous forum hey, it's not like they're freezing post that one of CUCKOMO’S 2022 gubernatorial re-election ads is to death or anything.” a remake of the nightclub shootout scene from the 2014 action film Sandra Calder John Wick, only he’s executing NEWBORN Russian mobsters in Turns her shoulder as she passes COLD blood. Throat slits, throat punches, point blank headshots; I love the original John Wick and Keanu Reeves’ mastodonic chiseled frame (HETEROSEXUALLY), but you hate to see it. You hate to witness the liberal elites bastardize a perfectly good message. BUT WHAT ABOUT TIME SQUARE As an armed Tier One Facebook combat veteran, I don’t mind shooting, nor killing. I don’t mind killing American grilled red meat. Why New York City Fucking Sucks I don’t mind letting a few whiny radical feminist WHORES die to protect the sanctity of our “non-viable” unborn. I REALLY don’t BY ICKY VICKY mind when our tax dollars are used to kill the scary DIFFERENT looking people overseas, or to cage and molest their children at the The one question that tormented my adolescent mind Southern Border. But OUR children? Shit that affects ME and my was this: Why does Spider-Man only fight crime in New York estranged PROPERTY under marital law? These REGRESSIVE leftists City? Like, what is so great about this place? After reaching need to get a grip, folks.
adulthood, I have finally reached an answer. Spider-man doesn’t exclusively fight crime in New York City because it is a great place. He fights there because it is a literal shithole that needs to contract a specialist to help them get their shit together. New York fucking sucks. It is a terrible city that lays bare all of humanities faults and ugliness. You walk into Penn Station and realize it is a literal Labyrinth. I swear, I was waiting for The Goblin King himself to pop up and twirl his balls around his hands in front of me. It smells like shit and I swear, if you use those bathrooms, you will contract some super-STD! If you find your way outside, you’ll be hit by blinding light, even if it’s nighttime! Those goddamn street lights sear into your retina’s, living you blinded for the inevitable attacks by the beggars, tourists, and the cops. On top of that, good luck trying to find your way around. Constant blowing of horns and dingy subways. You might be thinking, “Hey Vicky, you are only talking about Manhattan, there are other boroughs you know.” Well they also suck. Brooklyn is has a terrible case of the gentrification- I swear every other dilapidated building has a froyo shop in between. Queens is discount suburbia- JUST MOVE OUT OF NEW YORK IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE IN A CITY. Staten Island is a literal trash island because that’s all I see of it across the pond from my beautiful, New Jersey town. And The Bronx is disgusting because that is where I was born- how dare you subject the world to this filth you have begotten, you ass of a borough. I DO NOT HEART NEW YORK- put that on a dumb t-shirt!
I'D FUCK HER IF I WAS A LITTLE BOY
Am I a Pedophile if I am Attracted to Shazam? BY AUBREY TELLER
For those of you who are not quick to judge and assume I mean I am attracted specifically to Zachary Levi, let me clarify, that is not the case. I am sexually aroused by the superhero Shazam. From his physique to his childlike personality. Is there something wrong with me. I mean when he is Billy Batson I just see him as any other kid, not attracted to him, but when he takes on his hero form I become as wet as a mop after a janitor’s hard day’s work. And part of what arouses me is the fact that he really is a boy, but I’m still not attracted to children I swear. I’m very scared for my well being. I start to see little boys as grown heroes and I am turned on by it. I’ve dated several men with the maturity of young boys, but it wasn’t doing it for me. If Shazam were real would it be morally okay to date him, only in his adult form of course. I am not attracted to little kids. Do the consent laws still apply if he has the wisdom of Solomon. I’d like to think that is the case, but it’s too bad it is not real. All I want is to have a sexual, loving relationship with a little boy inside a mans body. That is not a strange thing is it?
Wednesday, April 10th, 2019
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NOW THIS IS A SONG I CAN GET BEHIND
ARTS
“Wait... cats need to fuck”
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"MY THERMOSTAT"
THE 7TH INNING STRETCH
BIDEN IN A CHASTITY BELT 2020
HEY YOU! WITH THE PRETTY EYES AND THE SULLEN SMILE! OUR PITCH MEETING IS AT 7:45 ON WEDNESDAY IN LIVI STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109 BE THERE OR BE SQUARE
PERSONALS
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"You're not dealing with the average saiyan warrior anymore!"
How To's
Spring
Would You Rather
How to become cool? (You're gonna need sunglasses, weed, and a pathological need to reject authority. Smoke the weed while wearing sunglasses and loitering outside your nearest 7/11. If you're white, you won't suffer consequences.) How to become smart?
I walked outside today and didn't immediately consider throwing myself in front of an LX. What gives? (Warm air makes the thinky organ happy.) Thank God for this weather. Now I can finally resume appreciating the female shoulder whenever I'm outside. (I wish I had a clever response for you but the girl in front of me is rocking a tank top and I need to maintain constant vigilance in order to keep this hard on in
How to become irresistable to men? Wanna play ultimate (Learn to enjoy football, vid- frisbee after class? eo games, and Joe Rogan.) (Yeah sure.)
Would you rather have six consecutive exams or have six toothpicks inseted into your urethra? (Toothpicks. Easily. Please don't make me take another test. I can't. I won't.) Would you rather fuck a dog or a cat? (Probably a dog just because it'd be a way more appreciative lover. My dog already swipes sausages off the kitchen table so this isn't too far off. Also I'm not into pussy.) Would you rather go to a Men's Rights rally or the Nuremburg rally? (Normally I'd say the Nuremburg rally so I can kill Hitler. But if I go to a Men's Rights rally I can kill Milo Yiannopoulos. Sure, Hitler is Hitler, but Milo is LITERALLY Hitler, so it's an easy choice.) Would you rather do ketamine with Ted Bundy or your parents? (Well, Ted Bundy might kill me if I did ketamine with him, but my parents would DEFINITELY kill me if they saw me doing any drugs stronger than Advil.)
Word of the Week:
Food
(You're gonna need a dictionary, 50 milligram of adderall, and intense familial pressure to succeed. Pop the adderall and immediately begin reading the dictionary. At some point during your reading, your mom should call you to let you know that your cousin just got accepted into Yale. An emotional breakdown should immediately ensue.) How to become irresistable to women? (Follow all the instruction on how to become cool, but also maybe hit the gym sometimes? I'll be honest, if I knew the answer I'd be getting laid right now in-
I'm sick of having to open up my weather app every morning before deciding what my outfit is going to be. At least the cold was consistent. (I don't even check the temperature anymore. I just open my window and listen for shitty rap music played out of a boombox. If I hear it, I know it's probably over sixty degrees.)
Pathetic
adj. Having qualities similar to mine AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 10th, 2019
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Celebrity Quotes
Why does apple pie taste like shit? (Because you keep shitting in my apple pies, Debra.) I should really go on a diet, but the sweet, sweet taste of a that fifth McDouble brings me back to a simpler time when my parents were still together, and gays couldn't get married. (You know, it sounds like you're in deep need of a heart attack, so just keep What's with all the vegan hate going around these days? We aren't that bad. (Many people see your very existence as a criticism of their own eating habits and general lifestyle. You're like a sobering look in the mirror that forces people to face the immorality of their existence. You are a living, breathing example of the fact that meat eaters could easily change their ways if they cared to. They have no choice but to villify you in order to feel justified in their own choices.)
We have pitch meetings?!?! Wednesdays @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center 109
PAGE A7
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"You're almost through this, just keep pushing." -Advice for a constipated guy
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He's alive yo
God's Not Dead Review By: Heywood Jablomi God’s Not Dead is a 2014 Christian Film produced by PureFlix, and as it’s been a personal favorite of mine for several years, I was very glad when The Medium told me I had to review it for this issue. For those of you who haven’t seen this masterpiece (spoilers ahead), God’s Not Dead, starring Kevin Sorbo, is about an evil atheist who learns to find God in his final hours. This may sound similar to the plot of many other Christian movies, and you’d be right, but God’s Not Dead is different. The evil atheist (played by Kevin Sorbo) is a philosophy professor who firmly believes that God is dead, and requires all his students to renounce God. Most of his class doesn’t really care, except for protagonist Shane Harper. This was actually kind of confusing for me. When I took a philosophy class my freshman year of college, I expected a lot of the same things to happen. But when I got there, the professor didn’t really seem to care about the beliefs of the students, and he definitely didn’t seem to want to change anyone’s beliefs. It’s almost liked he cared more about teaching students than pushing some kind of agenda. Most classes probably aren’t like that, though. I bet most of them have that atheist professor shown in God’s Not Dead who spend the first couple weeks of class debating a student about their religious beliefs. This debate also brings up some important philosophical points. The religious student, at one point, says that morality wo uld not exist without God. Being a philosophy professor, you’d think that the atheist would cite any number of other ethical viewpoints. Even if he’s not an ethics professor, he’d probably be fairly well versed in at least a handful of other theories of ethics, but he doesn’t even mention any. And that’s the kind of thing that makes this movie great. Now I want to talk about some of the side plots. When you watch a Pure Flix movie, you don’t just get one movie, you get like three with all the other stories they throw in here. Reverends Dave and Jude are the best part of the movie, and they don’t even relate to the main story. I’ve been trying to petition Pure Flix to make a sitcom based only on the two of them, you can find it on change.org. There’s also the story between Shane Harper and his girlfriend, who he breaks up with because he cares more about arguing with the professor than their relationship. That’s the kind of morals we need more of in our protagonists. Then there’s also a Muslim girl who finds Christianity and wishes to convert. Instead of exploring this, she’s just rejected by her father. It’s very satisfying to see a movie give such a deep and nuanced portrayal of a group outside of their main audience. At the end of the movie, Sorbo’s character reveals that he hates God because his mother died as a child. Personally, I’m very glad Pure Flix doesn’t perpetuate the myth that people are ever atheists because of anything other than a traumatic childhood loss. He’s then hit by a car, and bleeds out on the street. The other protagonists of the movie, who all happen to be there, surround him, and convince him to give his heart to God so he can go to heaven. No ambulance is even called, which I’m very grateful for, because seeing him make a full recovery and realizing that he shouldn’t be proselytizing to his students wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying as watching him die a painful death surrounded by strangers. God’s Not Dead is one of my favorite movie franchises. It’s made for evangelical Christians, and doesn’t waste time being even remotely appealing to anyone else, Christians or otherwise. If you’re evangelical, I cannot recommend this more, and I’ll review the sequels soon.
Va Va Vroom!
5 Rules For Driving A Camaro
By: Dandy Cough-Man Uses Cars 1. WASH YOUR ASS!!! You don’t want your smelly shit stinkin up your brand new 2019 Camaro! What are passengers gonna think when they’re trying to be impressed by your new Camaro?? They’re gonna think, “Jesus Christ!! It smells like used Applebee’s in here!” NEXT 2. DRINK AND DRIVE You need to appear as cool as possible to your friendssssss. Drink, drive, smoke spliffs, wear sunglasses! You want to give them ultimate Chevrolet Camaro experience!! Provide Miller High Lifes for every guest. CONTINUING 3. LEAVE THE DOORS AROUSED Yes you read that right. GET WITH THE PROGRAM MOVING ALONG 4. POUR ONE OUT FOR PAUL WALKER We need to respect the man of Camaros himself, pour out one entire Miller High Life out of respect. People need to know you’re serious here. You represent all luxury utility vehicle owners and we need to keep it classy! FINALLY 5. GIVE YOUR CHILD THE CAMARO IN YOUR WILL You gotta pass on the Camaro Legacy!! Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean the spirit of the 2019 Chevrolet Camaro is!! Your kid will love you eternally and actually respect you if you leave your Camaro to them. RESPECT GOD, BUY A CAMARO
"Dont Drive On Me So Hard!"
If Biel Road Could Talk By: Jordy Wordy Homecoming Warrior
Witness the University Award winning motion picture “If Biel Road Could Talk”. Clark Gongler is a first year business student and the head of his business fraternity. Alyzsa Sommer is a nursing student with career goals of working as a nurse practitioner so she can help underprivileged youths with early early early onset Alzheimer’s. They meet in a business analytics class on Livi and fall madly in love because they made out at 2 frat parties and he hasn’t ghosted her. But when Clark is falsely #MeToo’d by his roommate, he is forced out of his room in the Livi apartments and put in the Voorhees dorm far from civilization. Alyzsa visits him on Cook Douglass and reveals to him that she is pregnant. Clark stammers for like 20 minutes and then he very sincerely with complete intention vows to support them from exile by ordering take-out to her apartment most nights. Let this heartbreaking story of the human condition set in modern Rutgers pull at your heartstrings and have you crying after carefully and deliberately not letting your emotions show for the past 16 years. You will leave this film thinking “If Biel Road could talk, it would say ‘Hey come on we have a gym here it’s not that bad here.’”
April 10th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.sports@gmail.com LIGHTS! CAMERA! SIWA?
LEBRON JAMES RECRUITS TEENAGE YOUTUBERS FOR SPACE JAM 2
SPACE JAM 2'S OFFICIAL POSTER Why even bother.
BY ROBIN BANKS
LOS ANGELES — Picture this. The year is 1996. Kids were doing The Macarena (oblivious to the fact that it was about a girl who cheated on an army
man). Cartoon Network had the greatest lineup of all time. Additionally, one thing that all Americans could agree upon was that Michael Jordan was the greatest basketball player of that generation. It was in 1996
Ten Ways Tennis Can Make a Comeback in the United States
BY ROBIN BANKS
Broadcast decent time
1 matches
at a
2
6
Relocate matches hipster cities.
to
7
Lower those damn ticket Remind everyone Stan prices. Smith's are tennis shoes
3
Offer hot dogs at every single match
4 heckling
8 refeees to
Pay games.
9
throw
that Michael Jordan starred in Space Jam. Arguably the most successful basketball movie, Space Jam featured famous athletes such as Larry Bird, Charles Barkley, and Patrick Ewing, just to name a few. These basketball players dominated the 90’s, as well as the big screen. Fast forward to 2019, things are far from perfect. In September of 2018, it was announced that this generation’s little-less-greaterthan Michael Jordan, Lebron James, would be starring in a sequel of the original Space Jam film, Space Jam 2. Given the big names that starred in the first movie, fans and movie critics alike are expecting the Larry Birds of this generation to be in the movie. For example, stars such as Kevin Durant, Russel Westbrook, and Giannis Antetokounmpo were all expected to be a part of the film. However, nothing has yet been finalized, and shooting starts very soon. As a result, James, the star of the movie, has taken a
The Masters: By the Numbers BY ROBIN BANKS
1
Days Until the start of the Masters Tournament
2
of nosebleed seats.
Don't try.
10
48
Rutgers' frats holding viewing parties for the tournament
20
Percent chance of seeing a non-white person at the tournament
Rachels mistaking Bogey for boogie.
50
0
Allow before, Ban the production of during and after the match colored Lacoste tees.
5 Create a distinct heirarchy
rather unconventional route. Youtube. Youtube. Youtube. Everyone has their favorite Youtube star. The kids have Jojo Siwa. The teens have MattyBRaps. The adults have Jojo Siwa. Lebron James has looked towards Youtube to cast roles in the new Space Jam 2 movie. Given the millions of views these Youtubers rake in per video, James believes that this is necessary to make the movie a success. “Listen man, I want to make Space Jam 2 for the kids. I was a kid when Space Jam came out, and that s*** inspired the hell outa me. I’m just trying to give back to the community”, said James. In light of these words, basketball fans took to the streets. Wanting to reminisce their childhood, older people took to the streets to protest the remarks. “Man f*** those kids. They get everything”, said family care attorney, Harry Feinstein. While not confirmed, rumors have it that Jojo Siwa has a guaranteed role in the film .
People named Chad who started wathching golf yesterday.
Firing Secretaries of Homeland Security SINCE 1970
People who watched the tournament without falling asleep once.