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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY*
April 17th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE XX 50¢ LET'S MAKE A DEAL...OR NO DEAL?
BARCHI ANNOUNCES COUNTER-STRIKE EVENT TO BE HELD ON COLLEGE AVENUE CAMPUS THOT JOPLIN READY TO ROCK AND/OR ROLL
NEW BRUNSWICK---- University president Robert Barchi announced Monday that Rutgers will be hosting an amateur Counter-Strike: Global Offensive tournament outside College Avenue’s The Yard commencing later this week. Barchi’s announcement came in the midst of Rutgers AAUPAFT’s final daylong meeting with university administrators, before a potential universitywide faculty strike would be called the next day. Union representatives hoped to satisfactorily close negotiations, establishing a contract that would assure more equal pay for adjuncts, graduate instructors, and other vulnerable teaching populations at the University. In his statement Monday afternoon, Barchi made no mention of the ongoing negotiations, but expressed
BARCHI AIMS TO STRIKE UP SOME CAMARADERIE CAPTURE POINT B, AND THE SPIRITS OF ANGSTY PROFESSORS
excitement about the upcoming e-sports event. “The university has a long and proud history of supporting American troops abroad, and giving students the opportunity to see their friends and superiors play CS:GO competitively, on a
megatron no less, serves to continue that tradition.” The Counter-Strike series has produced consistently wellreceived games since its first iteration in 2000, and 2012’s CS:GO is no exception. The game was and remains wildly popular in Continued on Page 2
PROJECTILE INSULTS COMING HIS WAY
LOCAL FLAT EARTHER DENIES CURVATURE OF HAIRLINE
BRADLEY “BRAD” TANNER STREETWISE GEOGRAPHY CORRESPONDENT
NEW BRUNSWICK----- Local YouTube celebrity, flat earth activist, and self-proclaimed “conspiracy FACT” scholar Tristan Gordon recently set viewers abuzz in heated fervor over his latest vlog, a vlog where he does the unthinkable: remove his signature sage green beanie, revealing supposed receding wafts of hair. This single act triggered a deluge of unforeseeable outrage, staunch disappointment, and wild, fervent speculation around the flat discus hot plate we call home. “Yeah, been hit with every accusation in the book, that I’m some subversive Deep State shill, a reptilian baby eating shill, or a shill
GORDON CLAIMS IT LOOKS CURVED ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE BLINDED BY MAINSTREAM MEDIA Plugs can't plug your distorted perceptions.
for the Jewish Z.O.G. media shills. Not ALL Jews though, just the Rothschilds and Soros and the scary cosmopolitan elite boogeymen
ones. I’ve even been accused of being a Space Jam 2 extra in some psy-op to disseminate ‘antiMartian’ round Earth propaganda? Continued on Page 2
CHEEZIN' STEAKS Since 1970
QUICKIES
Student Pencils in One Hour For Excessive Overthinking, But Not Doing Homework Each Day in Their Class Schedule This Weekend is 4-EastOver, Buy Your Weed, Matzah and Chocolate Bunny in Advance! Niece Passed Over for Passover Invitation Local Christian Hoping This is the Easter Jesus Makes a Comeback Again Sensible Student who Plans Ahead Angry That the A.C. isn’t on Even Though It’s Cold Today
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NEWS
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"Just a Russian curse word"
CYKA BLYAT
BUT OUR EYES ARE ROUND?
...HAS A WHOLE NEW MEANING... competitive e-sports circles, though it’s unclear why Barchi has taken such a proactive stance in bringing the joys of Counter-Strike to Rutgers this week specifically. “I just think this will be a lot of fun for the students,” Mr. Barchi continued, “that’s really what this is all about. Sure, it could turn into a logistical nightmare. I intend to seed matches on the megatron fourteen hours a day, continuing until an undisputed champion emerges.” Barchi went on to mention that Rutgers employees in need of quick cash were welcome to ditch their colleagues and compete for a limited pool of “bonus academia dollars.” “It could get inconvenient for some, but I think this is something that needs to be done and I’m willing to take that risk for the good of my students,” said the president. The student or faculty
Wednesday, April 17th, 2019
...continued from front
member who ultimately bests the competition will be rewarded with $50 in RU Express, delivered as two $25 RU Express giftcards, and a potato tornado voucher valid this upcoming Rutgers Day. Universitywide responses to the tournament announcement have been mixed. Several students we interviewed found Barchi’s announcement simply tonedeaf, while others condemned it as globally offensive. Freshman philosophy major G.Gillies took a different view: “You guys aren’t seeing why this is such a genius idea,” he waxed from a green lawn chair, “in times of immense turmoil, what the people need is a common enemy. We find that here, metaphorically of course, in the terrorists. I think this will do a lot to get the teachers and students back to working together, or whatever.”
NEWS IN PICTURES
HMMMM... All this drama over a goddamn hairline. Crazy how much people get worked up and commune around the most inconsequential, vapid bullshit.” I interviewed the 48 year old Gordon over video conference call. Even through the 320x240 resolution of his 1998 Logitech Connectix QuickCam, I could still vividly discern the Monster Energy cans and dirty laundry littered about his parent’s basement. Nevertheless, Gordon is a very busy man, his last video a 3 hour, 28 minute livestream where he attempts to debunk the critics. “Now, the ‘receding’ pattern you see here is a mere ocular illusion, one very much akin to the perceptual illusion of our world’s ‘curvature’. The latter is an illusion reinforced by globalist
IT'S APRIL AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T MADE ANY FRIENDS, YOU SAY? WELL YOU PROBABLY WON'T MAKE ANY HERE, BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN WRITE FOR US.
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Jordan Plaut Dan Cretella
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indoctrination and the NASA snipers posted around our ice walls. The former? Well, I dunno where to begin. One, I don’t brush so it NATURALLY leans like this. Two, I have my mom’s father’s dominant hair genes. Finally, don’t tell me that the ‘Moon Landing’s’ lack of stars was some ‘camera trick’, but this can’t be. Get the fuck out of here with that.” As of now, it’s uncertain whether Gordon’s 42 subscriber count will recover, nor his hairline. He still vehemently denies that the Earth curves 8 inches per mile, that he’s in the 85% of men nearing 50 with significant baldness, nor that his entire YouTube career is a useless, unproductive drain on his life. Regardless, the debate rages on.
JOE JOE JOE JOE 'REILLY....AUTOPARTS
NEW JOE ROGAN EXPERIENCE GUEST STARS, SATAN ICKY VICKY BUGGIN' OUT
HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME'S REMAINS PROVE THAT HE JUST HAD A MINOR CASE OF SCOLIOSIS Turns out 15th century France health insurance doesn't cover much.
...continued from front
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Joe Rogan- the voice of a lost generation of manly men that excessively use psychedelics as they crack one liners when they are pinning opponents down in a Jiu Jitsu competitions. The actor, Fear Factor host, and mediocre comedian is known for his popular podcast, The Joe Rogan Experience. Rogan has recently caught flack for his recent guests, some of which include the likes of Alex Jones, Ben Shapiro, and the absolute worstEddie Bravo. Critics says that Rogan is giving problematic guests a platform where they can spread the outright lies they are known for. This has genuinely miffed Rogan, who in his DMT driven wisdom, has decided to up the ante with his latest guest. It was a shock to Joe Rogan’s fanbase that the newly announced guest was to be the Morning Star himself, Satan. Now that the podcast has aired, here is what the latest memes are. Obviously, Satan ripped a fatty almost immediately News Editors Marissa Schwartz Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Mike Celletti Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
(which he conveniently lit with his tail). There was the inevitable conversation on the enlightenment inducing sensory deprivation tank. What caused the eventually shitstorm was the most shocking event in the history of the podcast: Satan tells Joe to stop being such a dick to Jaime and to include him more in the podcast, as he did before. This taboo topic was never discussed in any of the Roganite’s forums; it was just accepted that Joe was a huge meanie. By doing what no being has done before, Satan had effectively called out Rogan, leading to an all out brawl. The winner you ask? Out of nowhere it was Joey Karate, coming to save the day. Joey Diaz, fellow comedian and friend of Rogan, beat the ever living shit out of the Cocksucker. The podcast has already gone down in AFI Top 100 dramatic biblical stories.
Sports Editor Copy Editor Senior Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Samuel Hammer Vickram Singh Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field Fire
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to everyone that's had a book dedicated to them! Good job!
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FEATURES
“I love felonies, especially the ones that get me high”
I JUST PRACTICE IN FRONT OF MY MIRROR
6 Most Twisted Acting Exercises Joaquin Phoenix Used To Prepare for “Joker” By Bradley “Brad” Tanner, Streetwise Societal Correspondent There was Ledger and Leto, but soon, actor Joaquin Phoenix will have big 24-inch clown shoes to fill in DC’s new standalone Joker film. General audiences will have to wait some time before seeing his take on the infamous Batman villain, but given that a bulk of the film was shot closeby in Newark, Medium Insiders were able to get an earlier, closer BTS look at Phoenix’s role, and how he prepared to embody the Clown Prince of Crime. You thought Jared was damaged, motherfucker? Wait till you see what The Joaq has in store for your ass. I’m so hype. So fuckin hype for this, John Wick 3, and Mid Motherfucking Sommar. My existential loathing and suicidal ideations have momentarily given way to a measly half-chub, which in turn has given way to a months-long white bleached fully erect chub. Just fill me the fuck up, J-Zaddy. Zazie Beetz my meat into completion this October. Don’t make me regret all my unanswered calls to the void, or motherfucker I will swipe the nearest police officer’s gun from their holster and finish the job. Joaq, make the movie as TWISTED, DEMENTED, and DAMAGED as your acting exercises (listed below!), or I will personally mail you used condoms and decapitated pig heads myself. 1. To initially immerse himself in the character’s subversive, lawless nature through pre-production, Mr. J removed the “DO NOT REMOVE” tag on his mattress, and DIDN’T have a SWAT team burst through his door with MP5 submachine guns! 2. J-Dubs approached a bank teller, uttered his PIN number, and stealthily robbed $472 from HIS OWN bank account! 3. Even though the movie takes place in 1981, Joaquin compiled an undercover in-character Tumblr blog about his own dark and edgy dark thoughts. 4. Joaquin DELIBERATELY trapped a crowd of extras in a subway car, FORCING them to piss on the tracks (look it up!) 5. Joaquin was BORN with cleft palate scars: the other Jokers merely adopted them. 6. J.P. got a TEMPORARY tattoo of the word “DAMAGED” on his forehead, symbolizing his character’s neuroses, the fleeting ephemeral finitude of our lives, ultimately amounting to nothing on a long enough timeframe, and how all we all have to cope through that horseshit are transient distractions, futile charades, and memetic commifidations of the same ideas, over and over, perpetual ad infinitum. Pretty fuckin twisted, man.
HI KOO!
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High-Ku By Icky Vicky I AM SO DAMN HIGH MY EYEBALLS ARE NOW FLYING I AM NOW STARVING
DID YOU KNOW... THAT YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW?? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER SECRET SECRETS AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 109 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
WOW I CAN’T WAIT
10 Things I Will Do After I Graduate By Elon Thrust
Well, it’s finally almost here. My time to get the fuck out of here. It’s felt so short yet so long. The feeling of no end in sight while at the same time the feeling of being almost at the finish line. But now I really am there. Only one month left. If you can’t tell, I’m hard as a diamond. Though it sounds like I’m being pulled out of hell and will never look back, I actually will miss this place a little bit. The Ol’ Brunz actually grew on me a little. So, in honor of this God-forsaken place, I’m gonna do and dedicate ten things to my time here at Rutgers after I graduate. See ya around Rutgies: 1. Smoke weed with at least 3 of my previous professors. If Sesh Venugopal isn’t one of them I have failed. 2. Shake my fists while looking at the sky in the Honors College courtyard while it’s storming out and let out a mighty roar. I feel like that would be epic. 3. Realize my major was shitty and I won’t get into any jobs I want. Well you know what, I guess I’ve done this one already. 4. Jack off in public. And this will be the first thing I do. I’m gonna rip off my gown and just go to town. 5. Be mentioned in a Rutgers email. They always name drop some smart kids in these emails and I just want to be noticed. Those emails must go to tens of thousands people. I just want my fifteen seconds of fame. 6. Throw a well-earned party. I’ll invite Deba, Barchi, and even some geese and make this shit a crazy banger. I want a completely packed house, ear-piercing music, and a tonnnnn of alcohol. Invite all your friends. No TAs though. 7. See this Joker movie, it looks fucking sick just from reading this piece on the side. Like immediately to the left. Just like move your eyes a little bit you lazy shit. 8. Ride my horse to a hotel room. 9. Never come back to Rutgers. But unfortunately that’s not my choice. RUPD banned me for having 54 unpaid parking tickets. 10. Work at McDonald’s for the next 50 years. Again, this one ain’t a choice.
JUULERY
5 reasons why your juul is better than your boyfriend By D-Dog Boys come and go. But Juuls, Juuls are forever. 1. You can “hit” him all the time. Not that you are a violent person. But still, sometimes you just gotta hit stuff. 2. He won’t give you AIDS or Herpes. Or chlamydia. Or gonorrhea. Or sub par sex. 3. He will be with you all the time because he doesn’t have classes because he doesn’t go to college because he is an object. He is YOUR object. 4. When he’s in a bad mood, you can charge him on your laptop and he’ll be good to go in 5 minutes. 5. If you keep a picture of his serial number, if you lose him you can just get a free replacement from the official Juul website (this is not an ad). 6. If you share him with others, they will like you more and everybody will have a good time. 7. He won’t be mad when you put him in your ass to preserve your virginity.
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OPINIONS “Stalin was right!!!"
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What Was Your Reaction to the premiere of the final season of Game of Thrones?
"Bran is fucked up, he must have seen some shit.” Michelle Pental Get it. If you don't, watch the damn show.
“Winter is here! Hahaha!” Cod Fonder Oh shut up. “What the hell is this incestuous fairytale dragon bullshit doing in front of Veep and Barry? Who even watches it.” Dan Finstrell Turns her shoulder as she passes THIS IS ALSO STUFF I DREAM ABOUT
Emperor Palpatine's Role in Episode IX: A Star Wars Fan Theory BY ZACHARY FOX, OPINIONS EDITOR As you all know Emperor Sheev Palpatine, also known as Darth Sidious, is returning to the star wars franchise. How he supposedly survived being thrown off a balcony and then the explosion of the death star is not important and also obvious because the man is a goddamn legend. What is important is that he is back and what his role
SHOULD be in the upcoming film. What most people believe and what will most likely happen is that he will be behind everything that has been going on, but I’d like to think the star wars creators are a little more creative than that. Sheev is a man of many skills and a man who holds great wisdom. I’d like to imagine he gave up on being emperor and lives somewhere within the outer-rim (planets outside the empire or republic). And Rey and her crew want to find him or stumble upon him to retrieve some sort of advice. She and the crew walk into a musty cave and as the travel deeper there is light glowing within and a maniacal laugh that gets louder as they travel deeper. Once they reach the main part of the cave there are naked or half-naked women everywhere. There are little hot springs here and there, but in the center sitting on a throne of rock and salt sits and man reminiscent of a grey patching ball sack of a dead old man, the once great emperor, sitting with his robe now tattered and open revealing himself for everyone to see, with two slave women at his side stroking his body. The crew shields their eyes and Palpatine says “don’t be afraid, the force is strong with your child, it brought you and your friends here for a reason.” Rey will explain what is going on which is unknown as of now because the film has not come out yet. Palpatine laughs maniacally and says “power is something I realized can be found in the most unlikely of places,” then smacks the ass of one of his slave
girls and continues to laugh. That better fucking be what happens or else this movie will suck.
Wednesday, April 17th, 2019
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EYEWITNESS OF STAR WARS CELEBRATION
The New Star Wars Movie Looks Sick BY RICHARD HERTZ
This past weekend, during Star Wars Celebration 2019, the fine folks at Disney released a teaser trailer for the upcoming Star Wars movie now titled “Star Wars Episode IX: The Plaque of Binks”. The Fandom immediately went to work picking apart the trailer for clues and easter eggs to get a better picture of what the film will be about. Let’s say that there are some interesting fan theories. The first part of the trailer showed Rey running on some kind of Sand planet; some thought that this planet might be one already visited in the universe like Jakku or Tatooine, but later in the trailer you can clearly see the mars curiosity rover. So now there is a lot of Buzz about the movie partially taking place in our solar system. Another popular image from the trailer was R2D2s new hunky robot body. Yes that’s right, in the new movie everyone’s favorite droid is getting an upgrade. He appears to be at least six feet tall,and carrying a both a gun and a lightsaber. We don’t know what exactly he is fighting, but we do know that all will bow before the newest Jedi warrior. Lastly, in what could only be described as a bold move on Disney’s part, the First Order’s newest symbol is just a straight up Swastika. Going back to the Empire in the original movies, the baddies in the Star Wars Universe are almost always coded to be Fascists in the style of Nazi Germany. Now it appears that disney is now making this crystal clear by embracing the recent popularization of neo-nazi groups.
THEY SHOULD JUST TAKE A VOW ABSTINENCE
All Politicians Should Wear Chastity Belts While Campaigning BY DICK VEINEY
Whether you vote Democrat, Republican, or stupid (Independent), there should be one thing that we all agree upon - all politicians should wear chastity belts while campaigning. Honestly, there are absolutely no downsides. “What happened to professionalism? These people represent our most elite!” You might cry out in protest. I am assuming if you do you vote the last of the options listed, but regardless, my counterpoints: 1. Politics is a circus and we should abuse our ability to make these animals dance. 2. These people do represent our most elite and only them which is a big reason why we should refer back to counterpoint 1. Think about it - firstly, it would fix the endless amount of campaigning that politicians do. Do you think these people actually want to wear a chastity belt for more than maybe a month of appearances? Absolutely not. It would, as a result, even the playing field and so not just the extremely wealthy can afford to campaign. Secondly, it would make sure that the people who are campaigning really really want the job. Being in politics is not as lucrative as stripping and the societal shame it comes with is about the same (after chastity belts are implemented!), so you know those who still run aren’t just in it for the money. Listen, these are the people that ultimately fuck us. The least we can do is make sure they can’t get fucked in the process of doing it.
Wednesday, April 17th, 2019
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NOTRE DAME FIERY IRISH BY LOU SKUNT
JOHN "LEON" F. KENNEDY BY LOU SKUNT
ARTS
“Bidet club 4 life”
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ALLIJEWTOR BY LOU SKUNT
CHANDICKLIER DOTW BY D. DOG
PERSONALS
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"I've got the horses in the back. Horse cock in my ass."
Game of Thrones
White People
How am I supposed to make friends even though I've never watched Game of Thrones? (Simple! Just tell people you've never watched it. Chances are they'd be happy to rewatch it with you, and that's like having friends.) Should I be insulted that my friend pitched Game of Thrones to me by telling me a guy gets his dick bit off by dogs? (Could be worse. My friend told me I would love Game of Thrones because it's chock full of incest.)
Should I go to Trader Joe's now while all the white people are watching Game of Thrones? (Absolutely not! White people actually add to the Trader Joe's experience. You haven't lived until you've seen a cashier undergo a mental breakdown after the fifth Karen in a row insists that the kale chips definitely ARE 30% off, despite not being marked as such.)
God I just wanna punch Joffrey right in his smug prick face. Just wanna pound him into the dirt with a tire iron. Nothing would make me happier than to bend him over and fuck his tight ass. (At first I wasn't really on your side, but you got me towards the end.) Are you seriously not gonna write about this week's episode? I'm beginning to believe you haven't even watched it. (Bold of you to assume I've
Philosophy
Wednesday, April 17th, 2019
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Celebrity Quotes
ALL MORALITY IS SUBJECTIVE. THERE'S NO REASON WHY I SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO BEAT MY DICK IN THIS WALMART! (I don't know what's worse, the fact that you're a sex offender, or that you're a moral subjectivist. Gross.) The other day my boyfriend told me it doesn't matter that he cheated on me since the universe is probably a simulation If I had quarter for evanyway. ery time a white dude on Tinder called me "exotic," (Beat him at his own game! End your simulated relaI'd be a millionaire. tionship. But not before you (Fuck. Better take that cut his simulated dick off one out of my playbook. I and kill his simulated dog!) thought casual racism was How do I tell my friends unique and sexy.) that I'm a nihilist withI don't get why people out them thinking I'm an say white people don't edgy child? spice their food! Yes(Nothing, you edgy child.) terday my mom put a whole PINCH of pepper Isn't it a little problematic on my chicken nuggets that most of the tradiyesterday and I couldn't tional philosophical cannon was written by white even eat them! So spicy!
(I know right! Three drops of Frank's Red Hot and food becomes literally inedible! My mouth can't take it!)
Word of the Week:
Anal
n. Something my girlfriend doesn't know she enjoys (yet) This couple's relationship is in absolute shambles!
(No. Who else in the 1700's would have had the time to sit down and write about dumb shit like ethics?)
Conflict How do I stage a coup in Honduras? (Release a report saying that there's oil in the country and it will destabilize itself like magic!) My brother Timmy definitely stole my Nintendo 3DS but my mom won't believe me. We sleep in the same room and every night he pulls the covers over his head, and I can see light coming out from underneath them! He says it's his RGB fleshlight, but I know he's lying because I stole that last month! (All I'm getting from this is that you're both definitely virgins.) Is that whole Israel v. Palestine thing still going on? I never see it on the news but I always hear people talking about it.
(I am nowhere near educated enough on this topic to speak about it knowledgably. That said, based on the state of political twitter, it's still going on.)
Come to our pitch meetings for the love of God! Wednesdays @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center Room 109
PAGE A7
Wednesday, April 17th, 2019
"C'mon my voice isn't that deep you guys"- Barry White
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Better warm up those pipes!
Stock Photos You Can Sing To "I'm dropping my hit single 'I'm Single' tonight! Do you want to come to my release party?'"
"I'm tone deaf so it's a good thing I bought this soundproof hijab!"
“Dad, we want to perform you our new song ‘I’m Leaving With Mommy.’”
A true tragedy :(
Student Who Lives On Livingston Has Manic Episode Goes To BROWER By D-Dog And she doesn’t just live there. She also has classes there.
The most atrocious thing happened on Friday, April 12, 2019 at 12:34 p.m. Patricia was hungry because she didn’t get to eat before her class at the Business School. She was making her way to what seemed like the Livingston dining hall, but then she made a sharp left turn towards the Plaza bus stop. The next thing you know, she hopped on an LX to College Ave, blasting to fart sounds in her airpods (that’s her thing). She then proceeded to go into Brower, and we are concerned that her senioritis is making her crazy. If you are reading this, be warned. Do not fall victim to this terrible disease. Please take the time to warn your friends and fellow strangers. If you are on an LX, please take the time to vigorously punch someone in the back to get their attention, and let them know that Brower is shit. Chant it on the bus. Go Rutgers! Fuck Brower.
Are you often bored? Do you no longer take interest in your hobbies? Neither do we! Come find people who get you. Livi Student Center Room 109 Wednesdays 7:45 pm
Get ready to run!
Rutgers Announces New Bus To Expand RU Screw
April 17th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.sports@gmail.com I WANNA DROPOUT
DUKE FACED WITH HIGHEST DROPOUT RATE SINCE 2015
THE COLLEGE DROPOUT Produced by Duke Records
BY ROBIN BANKS
DURHAM – With just a few months remaining in the American college semester system, colleges are in crisis mode. Many sports
powerhouses are worried about the number of freshman athletes opting to drop out and “enter the big leagues”. Of these colleges, Duke definitely has something to worry about. Following a dominant basketball season,
but a poor NCAA tournament run, the Blue Devils basketball team alone has three projected freshmen to drop out. Given that the dropout rate has been close to 0 for the school as a whole, losing three freshmen right off the bat would be devastating to Duke’s credentials. This situation is rare, as the last time this occurred was in 2015, when three other Duke basketball players decided to drop out. At the helm of this dropout craze are Zion Williamson, R.J. Barrett, and Cam Reddish. As a university, Duke had promised these young men a strong foundation to pursue their academic careers. With an average starting salary of $53,000 for Duke graduates, these young men are definitely not taking the right path for their careers. A career in basketball? That will only earn them millions of dollars and a restful life. However, with a Duke diploma, you can brag about your alma mater well into your late sixties, while attending
various sports events in a pastelcolored polo and short shorts. Duke professors are also upset with the projected dropouts. Dr. Harry Feinstein of the archaeology department at Duke had all three freshmen in his lecture this past semester. “They were all terrific students. They only came to lecture twice throughout the semester, but I was able to gauge their interests”, said Dr. Feinstein. “Had they stayed here at Duke, they would have had the potential to travel around the world digging up archaeological ruins with me.” With an average salary of $59,000 for archaeologists, these young men are definitely missing out in a path that could potentially define their careers, not to mention a generous salary. In the meantime, Duke’s head coach, Mike Krzyzewski, has been placed on probation until the start of the next basketball season. His impeccable coaching record is causing this mess in the first place.
Ten Significant Milestones Since Rob Gronkowski: By the Numbers Tiger Woods' 2019 Master's Win
BY ROBIN BANKS
1 His taste in pornstars has gone sour
2 God decided he doesn't like living in Paris
3
Everyone and their mother cried seeing the Nike ad
4 Every frat boy suddenly watches golf
5 Bob Barchi lost all his life savings on a losing bet.
6
Bob Barchi will now join the striking professors.
7
Pornhub saw a spike in golf porn
8
Mcilroy binged on drugs to become more like Tiger
9
3
Weeks since announced his retirement
12
been restored
Times he was spotted without a shirt on
1,000
Concussions sustained since his announcement
Beers chugged in front of cameras
20,000
0
Tiger Woods bought a perm.
10 Faith in humanity has now
he
300
Dollars left in his bank acccount
Remembering Those Flying Buttresses SINCE 1970
People who won't miss his antics on the field next season.