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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY*
April 24th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE $1,360 50¢ PICK A SIDE, ANY SIDE!
RUTGERS FINALLY TAKES A STANCE ON SEXUAL ASSAULT: THEY'RE FOR IT! NIFTY KNITTER QUIPS FROM THE QUILT
NEW BRUNSWICK---After many years of student protest and media attention, Rutgers University has finally decided to come out and take a firm stance on sexual assault on campus. It turns out they’re all for it. While in the past University administrators did take steps on paper to implement policies regarding sexual assault, they’ve decided to change up their approach. The University recently dissolved all offices and organizations aimed at supporting survivors of sexual assault in order to cut down on wait time in the typically drawn-out process that almost always ends with the same result. This decision came especially soon after a group of impassioned students gathered to challenge University leaders in response to their decision to
BIG 10, WHAT ABOUT 1 IN 5!? 20%, THAT'S ALMOST AS GOOD AS OUR FOOTBALL TEAM!
maintain tenure and salary of a pervy faculty member who continued to sexually harass and assault a graduate student for more than a year. There have been a range of reactions from students to the new sexual assault policies, some
in favor, some against, and some unsure what it means for them as sexual assaulters. “I think they have a right to their opinion,” said Jared Grass, a junior Human Resources student. “I don’t think they meant the RU screw to apply to actual sexual Continued on Page 2
AUGMENT YOUR TINDER AND YOUR REALITY
STUDENT'S REALISTIC SIMULATION JUST MAKES HIM TALLER THOT JOPLIN KNUCKS IF YOU BUCK
PISCATAWAY---SAS junior Stephen McNamara unveiled an innovative new virtual reality application in class Tuesday that’s rocking central New Jersey’s world. Compatible with mainstream VR systems, Mr. McNamara’s application places the user in a perfectly true-to-life simulation of the world they know, but lets them “walk a mile in the shoes” of someone a full five inches BEEP BEEP taller. What started as just a senior MAKE WAY FOR ME AND MY TALL SHADOW! capstone project for the honors college has inexplicably tapped olympics circuits. everything appears five inches into something close to the heart In-game, players can enter shorter. This gives the player the of many twentysomething males, a sandbox-type landscape that perceived effect of being five inches and will be making the rounds mirrors reality to the detail, except taller. Stephen, 20, reports he saw of statewide and national nerd Continued on Page 2
SWIMMING GOOD Since 1970
QUICKIES
Area Nerd with Wife and Three Kids Still Teased for Being a Virgin Report Finds Jesus Didn't Walk on Water, Apostles Just Hadn't Discovered Ice Yet Jorts to Upstage Tiger Woods for Comeback of the Year Local Woman Can't See Why Someone Would Steal Her Glasses New Study Reveals if Everyone with a Dog Trained Their Dogs to Stand on Their Hind Legs We Could Speed Up Their Evolution
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NEWS
...OUCH! GROWING PAINS an untapped market in the hordes of average-heighted folks who just wanted to take a glance at life on the tall side. Critics of the product, including his section’s TA Jake Brougland, who clocks in at a slick 5’6”, raised concerns about heightshaming messages implicit in Stephen’s assumption that a large market of students would want to gain five inches of height. Lil Steve made a point to clarify that the VR experience was intended to satiate curiosity and promote body
NOTHING SEXY ABOUT ASSAULT ...continued from front
positivity. “My fellow five eight kings out there will understand where I’m coming from,” he told The Medium. “Most days, I relish the fact that I’m a perfect little midday snack sized man. But every now and then I wonder, what would it be like if I could finally write, ‘Over 6 ft., because that matters for some reason,’ in my Tinder bio without even lying a little bit. And so the idea was born.”
NEWS IN PICTURES
IT'S APRIL AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T MADE ANY FRIENDS, YOU SAY? WELL YOU PROBABLY WON'T MAKE ANY HERE, BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN WRITE FOR US.
COME TO OUR PITCH MEETINGS WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45PM IN LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109. TURN AROUND! GO! TIME IS RUNNING OUT! LOOKING FOR DIVERSE VOICES. (^ Ω ^ * )………..
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Spring 2019 Mascot
... ---... assault” said sophomore History major Divya Patel. In the weeks to come, students, staff, and faculty can expect an overhaul in the entire sexual assault reporting and investigation system. Mainly there will no longer be one, but don’t worry,
...continued from front
though you may be concerned that this is probably against federal Title IX guidelines, but you’d be wrong. Fortunately, the suggested changes to Title IX by Secretary of Education
NO LAUGHING MATTER LOL
LOCAL FBI AGENT INSISTS THAT CACHE OF C.P. WAS "STRICTLY FOR BUSINESS”
MANUEL C. HODE HOLDING THIS FOR A FRIEND
PENSIVE WOMAN CONTEMPLATES HOW MANY PEOPLE MIGHT BE JERKING OFF TO HER MEMORY AS WE SPEAK?
Editorial Staff
themedium.news@gmail.com
"The world is my page and I will write on it."
HE'S A GROWER NOT A SHOWER
Wednesday, April 24th, 2019
Jordan Plaut Dan Cretella
Shaina Joseph Juicing Goose
NEWARK ---- The state’s FBI field office has been abuzz with rippling drama and aftershocks this week, after Special Cybercrime Agent Ezekiel Colan was forced to step down amid uproarious backlash. In a now canned promo for their upcoming job fair, eagleeyed viewers were able to spot a folder on Colan’s desktop monitor labelled “SEXY CHERUBIC PORNOGRAPHIC CHILD SEX, 2.6 TERABYTES”. It doesn’t take much to retain a lot of information in the Digital Age: the King James Bible is 4.13 megabytes, Wikipedia amounts to 9.5 gigabytes, and 250 songs weigh in at one measly, lonely gig. Nevertheless, for some fucking reason, Colan needed 2.6 terabytes of child pornography, and, to say the least, viewers weren’t pleased; within 48 hours, the field office was inundated with requests for his resignation. “I was just as appalled as you were,” remarked Cyber Division head Barbara Goodman at a Wednesday press conference, “Sure, our orgs’ been complicit in illegal gunrunning, illegal surveilling, wiretapping, harassment, and the assassination of civil rights activists, but this? This is a whole new low.” Even so, Colan is adamant that he was “taken wildly out of context” and victimized in a “coordinated smear campaign”. In our phone conversation through News Editors Marissa Schwartz Zoe Sifnakis Opinions Editor Zachary Fox Arts Editor Rimond Siddique Personals Editor Mike Celletti Page A7 Editor Chris Michael Features Editor Scott Hoberman
the glass, he likened his efforts to the 1991 thriller Silence Of The Lambs, in which FBI agent Clarice Starling employed serial killer Hannibal Lecter’s aid in capturing another serial killer. “Look, maybe I went about it the wrong way, but how else are you gonna snuff out criminals without understanding their methods and wholeheartedly immersing yourself in their mindset? That folder was strictly for RESEARCH and research purposes only, 2.6 terabytes of hard evidence and research. People are mad about the Sexy Cherubic name, but that’s what THEY called it, NOT me. Don’t believe me? Download the Tor browser and see for yourself if you sick fucks are so inclined!” A GoFundMe defending Agent Colan’s innocence has already accrued over $23,000 in support and tentative bail payments, with major backings from hacking collectives, lawyer Andrew Brettler, and the North American Man Boy Love Association. As of now, his next hearing date is unknown.
Sports Editor Copy Editor Senior Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Advait Suvarnakar Samuel Hammer Vickram Singh Marissa Schwartz Max Broggi-Sumner William Field My brother last week
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to people without access to sanitary products.
Wednesday, April 24th, 2019 themedium.features@gmail.com
FEATURES
the Medium
“The new Twilight Zone sucks”
HOW DO THE STARS WANT YOU TO FUCK?
WOW I CAN’T WAIT
Landmarks To Burn Down What Kind of Sex You Should Have Tonight Top 3 Historical For Free Games Based on Your Astrological Sign By Heywood Jablomi
Don’t know how you want to do it tonight? Let the medium help by using your zodiac sign, or just use a random number generator, which has just the same chance of being accurate as your zodiac. Aries: Missionary. What can I say, sometimes you just have to fall back on the classics. Taurus: Do it on a mechanical bull. I don’t know if that’s possible, but if it is, I doubt it’ll be comfortable. Science marches on, though, so get to work. Gemini: Threesome. What better for the sign of the twins than sleeping with two similar people who aren’t actually related to each other, you fucking creep. Cancer: 69. This one’s pretty obvious, it’s what the sign looks like. I know it’s juvenile and not clever in the slightest, but that’s practically our motto here. Leo: Doggy Style. What can I say. I’m more of a dog person. Bend over and take it. Virgo: Anal. Every unwed catholic’s favorite loophole. Everyone knows that if you stick it in your butt, you’re technically still a virgin, and technicality is what counts. Libra: Blowjob. Because you can suck my dick. That’s what we call a “callback”, where we recycle a punchline in a context that isn’t as funny even if you do know the joke we’re calling back to. Scorpio: Pegging. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about this one. You always wondered what it would feel like. Now’s your chance, so… bend over and take it. Sagittarius: Cowgirl. You might be thinking this would be more appropriate for Taurus, and you’re probably right, but it’s not like the Zodiac makes sense anyway.
By Elon Thrust
If you’re reading this right now, odds are high that you missed the free, week-long “Assassin’s Creed: Unity” sale on PC. The game is set in Revolution-Era France, and features the Notre Dame Cathedral, an iconic historical piece of architecture which was unfortunately marred not too long ago by tragic mild structural burns that didn’t kill anyone. To compensate, Ubisoft selflessly gave their game away for free; while we at The Medium don’t personally condone arson or violence toward anyone, here are some other games which could be free if certain structures “accidentally” burned down. 1. Local KKK Chapter Buildings: It is factual science that EVERY gamer with a pulse has liked Red Dead Redemption 2. A little too many gamers may ALSO like racism, sure, but who the fuck likes the Klan in 2019? The fuck are you doing, yelling “superiority” through your fucking yellow sweat stained white robe. Again, we would never advocate violence against even the most reprehensible, but you can live out all the violent fantasies you please in RDR2, including toward Klanners. Those fuckers ALREADY like burning fires, so where’s the free shit Rockstar?!?! 2. The Walt Disney Castle: Prominently featured in the 3 main Kingdom Hearts games and the 7-23ish other ones (who the fuck keeps count besides fume-huffing basement NEETs), this castle is the lavish home of Donald Duck, Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Goofy the Dog, and his chained subservient sex slave Pluto. We’re not saying anyone do anything, but those anthropomorphic motherfuckers can afford a little petty vandalism, especially on those Endgame bucks. 3. Sahelanthropus: As accurately portrayed in the 2015 interactive biopic Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain, ST-84 was a nucleararmed, bipedal mecha tank deployed in the 1980s Soviet Invasion of Afghanistan. If you can outrun the mushroom cloud before you puke your liquified intestines out of your body, maybe Konami may reward your efforts dearly. Who gives a fuck?
SO MANY PEOPLE TO LOOK UP TO
Capricorn: Do it yourself. Fucking virgin.
10 Role Models Who Have Never Harassed Women
Aquarius: Shower sex. It’s slippery and awkward, and you won’t end up clean or satisfied, but at least you aren’t a fucking Capricorn.
By Icky Vicky 1. Sir Patrick Stewart: He’s such a sweet guy who has played kind and understanding bald men all throughout his acting career. A man without a blemish to his name.He would be the perfect person to influence the next generation. Such a sweet bald guy wouldn’t hurt a fly, let alone a whole sex.
Pisces: Scissoring. If you have a penis then I don’t know what to tell you, maybe you can work around it or something.
HIGH COO
2. Carlos Mencia: While he might be a hack comedian who plagiarizes all of his good bits, he is not a harasser of women. I feel like that is plenty of credibility to be on this list. His standup is trash though.
Procrastination I push my deadlines, but why? I’m a masochist
3. Eve: Eve, the first woman, definitely has not harassed women. She was the first woman to be harassed by that damn snake (even animals are huge misogynists). She is literally all of womanhood. Even the worse harasser of women, God, couldn’t keep that girl down. She just went of sinning and being a nice person forever.
COME JOIN OUR CLUB FOR A NICE SURPRISE ;) WE MEET AT 7:45 PM WEDNESDAYS IN LIVI STUDENT CENTER ROOM 109
immediately started to apologize profusely. No other role model would be greater than I. Just don’t listen to my asshole Ex who falsely accuses me of being a “misogynist.”
SERIOUSLY IT’LL BE A REALLLLYYYYY NICE SURPRISE FOR YOU pls come
4. Me: I for one, have never harassed women, period. I have been the utmost gentlemen all throughout my life. When I came out of my mother’s womb, I
5. Superman: Unfortunately, we are starting to run out of potential role models who have not harassed women, so now we turn towards fictional characters. Superman, or Kal-el of Krypton, embodies truth, justice, and not harassing women. Even the female villains he combats come out of every encounter saying how they were apprehended with dignity and respect.
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, April 24th, 2019
“I am gonna have the equivilent to losing my virginity when I see Endgame."
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
WHITE MEN DESERVE TO DIE!!!!
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What do you hate most about your spring holiday? "The fact that a bunny can lay eggs in our yard once a year and it's a huge party, but I take a shit on the driveway ONCE and it's some big issue.” T.J. Miller Method acting for emoji movie.
“capitolism.” Steven Selder Stalin supporter.
“spending two hours reading a goddamn book before eating.” Rabbi Jacon Feldblum It's a passover seder if you didn't know. DISCLAIMER: ALL MEDIUM JOKES ARE ORIGINAL
I Rather Be A Plagiarist Than Unfunny
Monsters That Hunt By Sound Are Ideal Because Then All White Men Would Die BY DICK VEINEY
First there was A Quiet Place, then there was The Silence on Netflix. Both of these movies share the same premise of having to survive a world where monsters hunt their prey by sound and being silent is key to staying alive. However, I would argue that far from scary, these movies demonstrate a world that we should welcome. Why? Because, finally, finally, all white men on Earth would die. Think about it - men never shut up, and white men are even worse. They practically come out of the womb patronizingly telling the nurses how they could have assisted in the birthing process in a more efficient way. If these monsters showed up, white men, literally unable to keep their mouth shut for more than about 30 seconds at a time, would be the first to go. All that needs to happen is any woman or minority making a whispered observation, “Oh my god, they’re huge!” or god forbid, they try to take charge - “Let’s get to a car!” and immediately every white man in vicinity would interrupt to why their observation is far more accurate or how that suggestion is absolutely stupid and that they will be taking over. Luckily, these men would completely forget the whole ‘being quiet’ business in their haste to establish their superiority and they would promptly be annihilated. In conclusion, I would gladly welcome any monster species who would come to this Earth and hunt by sound and I refuse to tolerate any further slander against them.
BY ICKY VICKY
People are always coming for Carlos Mencia because he’s a joke-stealer and a total hack. Here is a man who knows his place in life: he is an unfunny sleazebag who cannot face rejection. So, he resorts to plagiarism in order to keep the big bucks rolling and to never face the ire of an uninterested audience again. Honestly, I can’t understand the hate he receives. I have full sympathy for Mr. Mencia- being funny is the ultimate goal in life and it doesn’t matter how you get the material. You know what sounds the absolute worst- it’s being in a room full of people who do not have their undivided attention on you at all time. If people aren’t keeling over from laughing too hard, what is the fucking point of existing. It is utterly humiliating when someone else steals the limelight from you, even for a second. You might as well had had the rug swept right under your feet; the physical pain will match the fatal injury your ego receives. That is why you steal the material from anyone who has stolen even a millisecond of attention from you. I take material from everywhere. Everything can be a treasure trove of material. You can steal from comics, writers, social media influencers, your dad lame jokes. All of it is up for grabs, and boy do I grab. Just the other day I did a bit that was ripped straight from Carlos Mencia himself. It was double the plagiarism- it was as if I reached a magpie transcendence. People laughed and laughed, and that is all that matters. I will forever be a plagiarist if that means that people will give me the attention I deserve.
PICKLELICIOUS OBJECTIVELY THE BEST
Pickles are Objectively the Best Snack, Y’all Just Haters BY RICHARD HERTZ
Growing up and to this day, I have always had a predisposition for all things sour and savory. Sweets just didn’t cut it, and I only enjoyed candies that made me wince with soury goodness. When I was like 5 or 6, after years of searching for the most puckering of snacks, I tried my first Pickle and my future was forever changed. Over the years I have consumed enough Dill Spears, Kosher Chips, and Pickle Juice to kill several large elephants. It’s not those half sour or bread and butter shits either; I’m talking them full sour, pickled in garlic, and most pungent joints you can give me. As soon as I open the jar I want everyone’s eyes to start watering uncontrollably. Everytime I offer these delectable morsels to my closest friends and acquaintances and I get two distinct reaction: Either abject horror or visceral delight. This is how you distinguish haters from real ones. The former will wince at the mere thought of engaging in the puckering phallic treats; while the latter hogs down and starts popping them suckers like it’s a fucking contest. Real always recognizes real; so if you one of the realest, next time you find yourself in scenic Teaneck New Jersey, stop by Picklelicious and tell em Dick sent you.
Wednesday, April 24th, 2019
themedium.arts@gmail.com
ANTI-VAXX MAN BY D. DOG
DAGE SEASON BY LOU SKUNT
ARTS
“The Offcial Rutgers Sitcom > Friends ”
the Medium
PICKLE DICK BY D. DOG
FINALS SEASON DOTW BY LOU SKUNT
PERSONALS
the Medium
"Luckily for you, it's your legal right to be wrong in this country."
Roommates
Beef
Alcohol
I'm pretty sure my roommate is fucking my girlfriend. How do I ask them to let me watch? (Just be honest! Cuckolding is totally in these days. I'm sure they'll both be very receptive.) I keep a packet of baby wipes beneath the sink because I find that toilet paper just doesn't leave me feeling clean enough. The past few weeks I've noticed that they've been dissapearing. How do I confront my roommates about this without admitting that I use baby wipes? (That's easy! Institute a mandatory ass smelling policy upon leaving the bathroom. Try to disguise it as a plan to prevent your boys from leaving the house with stinky cheeks. Once you catch a whiff of shea butter, you'll know who the culprit is.) Roommates are lame. They're just like a family, except they give less oral. (Really? For me, quanity isn't the issue. It's quality.)
How should I go about stealing a cow from Cook/ Douglass? (Okay so according to Google you're going to want to get some wheat, equip it, and then they should start following you. A fence or any two block high structure should be enough to pen them in.) How am I supposed to achieve my ideal summer body if I'm addicted to cheeseburgers? (There is no shortage of documentaries and YouTube videos that will gladly expose the immorality of your ways and just make you feel like an all around piece of shit for even thinking about eating meat. Hasn't worked for me yet, but I haven't given up hope.) If you think about it, eating beef is vegan. Grass is vegan. Cows eat grass. You eat cows. Beef is just an evolution of grass. (This makes about as much sense as your average antivaxer argument, but I can't help but be compelled.)
What is it about a cold Bud Light that draws me to every cigarette in a 50 meter radius? (Everybody has two personalities. The first one wants to succeed, grow, ad ultimately do what's best for itself. The second one just wants a cold boy and a smoky stick. Sometimes the second personality wins.) I don't get why most people have an issue with hard liquor. Do you seriously mean to tell me you'd rather chug 10 cans of piss instead of one glass of nail polish remover? (Listen man, I am in no position to be judging anybody's drinking habits. That said, give piss a little more credit. It tastes way better than most of the shit beer people drink at this school.)
Word of the Week:
Addicktion
n. Something your mom has if you catch my drift And that's why we love yyyyyoooooooouuuuuuuuuuu!!!!
Wednesday, April 24th, 2019
themedium.personals@gmail.com
Celebrity Quotes
Is it bad that I can't stand to look at my boyfriend's naked body until I'm at least five shots in? (Is it that he disgusts you? Or do you disgust yourself by letting him fuck you?)
Therapy I had my first masturbatory experience in the basement of my childhood home. When I was moments from climax my father started pounding down the stairs and caught me in the act. Now I can't reach orgasm in any building that has a staircase. (I don't think that's the problem at all. You simply never got to resolve that conflict with your dad. If you want to get over it, invite him over for a father son jackoff sesh.) Do you think I'm a narcissist? (ABSOLUTELY. Every single one of you who writes in is one. All you ever wanna do is talk about yourselves and your stupid problems. I have a life too you know.) How's it going man? You seem kind of tense. (Who wants to know? I don't have to tell you a damn thing. What I, my wife, and her boyfriend do is none of your business. So fuck off.)
Come to our pitch meetings! Our moms think they're funny! Wednesdays @ 7:45pm Livingston Student Center Room 109
Wednesday, April 24th, 2019
themedium.a7@gmail.com
OBITUARIES
"C'mon my voice isn't that deep you guys"- Barry White
the Medium
WOW! Dead People!
Jordan Plaut (2016-2019)
Jordan Plaut has died. The Rutgers senior and editor in chief of The Medium was found in pieces Sunday morning on Cook campus. Each of his limbs had been tied to a horse, and each horse was sent in a different direction, pulling the man apart. Jordan is survived by his family and friends, but most importantly his goat, Solstice. We will all miss the way he laughed, his constant generosity, and the way his torso wriggled in the grass next to the Passion Puddle in a horrific display of medieval brutality. Jordan was most well known for always being there for his friends when they need him, his moonlit deep tissue massages, and his underground, high stakes chinese checkers tournaments. Jordan’s remains will be scattered around the Livingston Ecological Preserve in a service to be held on Friday night.
Chris Michael (2018-2019)
We regret to inform everyone of the death of the beautiful soul, Christopher Gary Michael, who died at the healthy young age of 27. The A7 editor’s memory will live on in his three sons; Chris Jr., Gary, and Michael. Chris Jr. is the handsome rebel, Gary is the stickin-the-mud, and Michael is the lovable doofus. This Summer: 3 First Names, premiering at 7:30pm on ABC. Chris passed to the good lord, praise his name, I said THE GOOD LORD AMEN, last night in his sleep. Unfortunately he was asleep in the middle of his career defining performance of RNL, where he played a priest asleep at the pulpit while Notre Dame crumbles in flames around him. Chris’s family hailed from a small city in Egypt known as Rutgankhamen. They immigrated to the United States in 1927 for its famed economy. They lost most of their assets and were forced to become street performers .They have been entertaining America ever since, and are not at all bitter about it. Chris will have an open dumpster funeral this Thursday on NBC. Stay tuned!
Rimond Siddique (2017-2019)
Marissa Schwartz (2016-2019)
Marissa Schwartz is dead; she died by making a joke so funny that 30 people died from laughing too much and the guilt of their deaths caused her to die too. The reason it was funny was because it was not boisterous or over the top in a rude and exclusionary comedic way. Nor was it too quiet and subdued in a way that would be funny if it could only be heard. It was loud enough to be heard, quiet enough to be inclusionary, and subtle enough to make everyone have a comedic euphoric experience. She also singlehandedly, with no assistance from doctors or nurses, and no corroborating witnesses, stopped this one kid from Rahway from getting AIDS. She will be missed by her friends, who are funny, but not as funny as. Marissa. Schwartz.
Zoe Sifnakis (2017-2019)
Serving as contributing writer, features editor, news editor, photoshopper, and esteemed Death Grips wine & cheese connoisseur over her long four semester tenure, Zoe was sold by The Medium’s higher benefactors for 43 Bitcoin. Those 43 Bitcoins would’ve funded us three more semester's worth of issues, but before the transaction could be finalized, she was tragically struck and violently decapitated from the jaw up by a toddler’s size 4 1/2 indigo Croc, careening 81 miles an hour down a coaster at the Jackson, New Jersey Six Flags. Zoe may have been torn from this carnal realm and returned to the inscrutable, enigmatic void from which we’ve came forth, but she still remains in our hearts and memories as an impeccably credulous journalist, a friend, and someone with an immaculate Spotify collection. She will be dearly missed by friends and family from her Metuchen hometown, as well as her alma mater at Rutgers. R.I.P.
Scott Hoberman (2017-2019)
It is on this day that we fondly Scott Hoberman is dead. He was remember our dear Arts Editor Rifound face down in a swimming mond Siddique, who passed when pool full of THC infused grenadine we at the Medium voted in favor a la The Great Gatsby. The Rutgers of finally pulling the plug. The late senior and features editor of The MeRimond was bidet enthusiast and dium is survived by his girlfriend, prolific meme creator that made his mistress, wife, ex-wife, and variboth the number one video and ous estranged children. Scott’s greatimage on Rutger Colege Memes est achievements include, but are for RevolUtionary Teens. His Rutnot limited to, summiting Everest, gers anime opening will always hold a special place in my heart. As jerking off 16 times in one day, safely a Geography major he was a lover and studier of the world. We can landing a plane in the Hudson, tamall still hear him screaming “I AM NOT A FUCKING VEGETARing a tiger, taming a lion, eating five fat sandwiches in one sitIAN” from the great beyond. As an Uber driver his dying wish was ting, and driving an LX loop for 18 hours with no breaks. Scott’s that you rate this obituary five stars and leave a nice tip. impact on this world was tremendous, but his impact on our hearts was indescribable. Rest in peace Scott, you will be missed.
April 24th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.sports@gmail.com IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT...
NFL DRAFT PROSPECT TACKLES STEPHEN A. SMITH
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Stephen A. right before the big hit
BY ROBIN BANKS
NEW YORK – This past Monday, NFL draft prospect Nick Bosa sat down with Stephen A. Smith and the First Take team at their studio in Pier 17. Bosa, a highly
recruited defensive lineman out of The Ohio State University, was being questioned by the argumentative host. Molly Qerim, First Take’s designated token female “analyst”, started out with the question: What
makes Nick Bosa stand out from the rest of the draft prospects”. Bosa started with the typical, “My work ethic is second to none” and “I hold myself to the highest regard”. Smith and Max Kellerman both rolled their eyes. Kellerman added, “We get that from every prospect that comes in here. What really makes you stand out?” Bosa, with a grin on his face, quipped, “I’m not afraid of anyone. I can tackle Stephen A right here, right now”. Stephen A., with his signature bug eyes and exaggerated voice started off by going on a history tangent pointing out how the white man is always fighting the black man. After arguing pure nonsense and refusing to acknowledge Kellerman’s stance, Smith said, “Go ahead. Show America what you’re capable of.” With a swift motion, Nick Bosa trucked Stephen A. quicker than when Smith assumes his resting bitch face when Max Kellerman utters even a word from his mouth. It was lightning fast. The
Ten Phallic Instruments Used in Man the Wide World of Sports
BY ROBIN BANKS
1
The javelin
2
A pool noodle
3
A bobsled
4
An aerodynamic cyclist
5
A putter .
6
Goals within the first 11 minutes - a record
7
Speedo Penile Impressions
8
A baseball bat
9
A hockey stick
10
City vs. Tottenham: By the Numbers
4
The Big Show.
Michael Phelps' penis
cameras zoomed in on an utterly crippled Stephen A. Smith. It is considered to be the longest amount time he hadn’t uttered a word since developing in his mother’s womb. After a quick commercial break, viewers were surprised to see Smith’s chair empty. Remaining at the table were Qerim, Bosa, and a beaming Kellerman. Qerim broke the news that Stephen A. will be undergoing multiple surgeries at Mt. Sinai Hospital. One of his last words before entering the ambulance were, “I still don’t see how Bosa is elite. He’s actual trash”. Kellerman, realizing what unfolded right before him could not have looked smugger. After learning that Stephen A. would be on leave for three months, the new de-facto leader of First Take took a moment to address the audience. “You will finally hear some real debate on this gassed up show”. In the meantime Bosa's draft stock jumped 5 positions up the already-stacked board.
3 Million
1
Pep Guardiola deserves better
that
10
Smiles after Sterling "scored" the 5th goal
Dollars a sad Robin Banks lost on a bet
3 Million
1
Frowns after learning Sterling was offside
Snapchatting Livingston Sunsets SINCE 1970
Fucked up VAR system