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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY*
September 11th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE XXI POP-AND-LOCK DOWN YOUR BABY DADDY
QUICKIES
NIGERIAN PRINCE CALLS RUTGERS, “A SCAM!” ICKY VICKY POPPIN' SINCE 1998
NEW BRUNSWICK---Rutgers University caught flak from students and faculty for accepting more students than the state university is built for. While Jerseyites feel this is on par for the state’s terrible infrastructure, many out-of-state students are alarmed by the lack of busses, cramped classrooms, and tsunami of freshmen yelling about how they got accepted to a better college but had to be closer to home. While Rutgers has been, famously, screwing students over for years, things are especially dire now. Students are not receiving money for a majority of Rutgers related services. There is a campus-wide delay on refund checks, with students displeased that they couldn’t spend the money on drugs and alcohol during sylli week.
Eight Months Until Barchi Steps down as Chancellor Butt of Joke Very Sore Still Awkward Publishing on 9/11
POP IT! TWIST IT! BOIOIOIOIOIOING
The College Ave party scene— the cultural touchstone of the University— has been hit hard with this setback; frats and sororities are experiencing a 5 percent decline in “fresh-meat” freshman showing up at their doors. One graduate student has not
recieved his grant money yet, with him angrily excaliming, “Fuck Rutgers!” All this turmoil has caught the attention of one infamous celebrity, the Nigerian Prince. Known for his spam emails that claim that he is out of money, but promising incredible Continued on Page 2
THAT'S ~MY~ ARTHOUSE FILM MOMMY!
GOFUNDME CAMPAIGN FOR 300FT IRON MAN STATUE MEETS GOAL RICHARD HERTZ NEEDS TO SEE A DOCTOR
LOS ANGELES---Avengers Endgame spoiler ahead; sorry to the readers who have yet to see the titular release, but if you have not seen it yet are you really a fan? Following the blockbuster debut of Avenger’s Endgame in April, Marvel lovers everywhere have been coming to terms with the loss of their beloved hero: Tony “Iron Man” Stark. Iron Heads, as the fandom is called, have been grieving in a number of different ways that have been described “bizarre and sad” by overworked grief counselors. To honor the fallen hero a campaign started by GoFundMe user “ToniStaaark420” posted plans
50¢
FROM KID WHO'S FOUR TO FOR-GOTTEN ADULT MAN Each day in prison he learns some more
to build a three hundred foot tall statue, directly behind the Statue of Liberty. The plans harkening back to the character’s long history
based in New York City, and serves as a sort of new new colossus for the post-modern era. The goal for the monument was 10 million dollars, Continued on Page 2
KICKIN' IT APA STYLE Since 1970
The Medium Will See a Reduction in Antisemitic Jokes Due to a Decline Freshman Convinved He's the Coolest for Coming to RutgersBusiness Student is Default Daddy of Friend Group Kenneth Cop Gets Pass from Anti-Blue Recent Zoological Study Shows That Your Dog is Still Standing at the Door
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NEWS
Wednesday, September 11th, 2019
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"If you see someone, say someone."
"POPPING A BONER"
GO FUND THIS!!!
...HAS A WHOLE NEW MEANING...
...continued from front
rewards if helped, the prince has come all the way down to Rutgers to see how a place of such esteem can be screwing students over so hard. “I know it may be of a surprise, but I have come here to make business relationship with Rutgers. Unfortunately, there no money here. I am at a loss,” Said the confused prince. Alarmed by the unpunctuality shown by the University, the Nigerian Prince offers his sympathy to students. He emailed a statement, outlining the grievances he and the students have with the University. It is as follows:
am calling out the tardiness! No excuse for such travesty. I am son of Al-Mon-E-tumee (great King back home). I am issuing statement to openly accuse Rutger University, the State University of New Jersey, of being a flat-out, in, and everything in between— a scam! In order to give students, I am offering everyone a 20 percent total sum of USD6.8M for assistance in GOFUNDME for students here. Please I wish to help greatly, so all the money to me will help me go fix financial situation at home so I can give the USD6.8M to all students of Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey. “Dear Beloved Rutgers University, At least I won’t be as late! the State University of New Jersey, Remain blessed, I, behalfing on Rutgers students, The Nigerian Prince” thinking
STAR-BELLIED REVERSE RACISM
MASS-BEATING DURING JOKER SCREENING BY MAN DRESSED AS BATMAN' CHESTER ECTION HAS A MIND OF HIS OWN
Los Angels C.A.— During an early screening at the Dolby Theater in Los Angeles of the already critically acclaimed Joker film, viewers who a first believed themselves to be lucky to view the film before everyone else had their fates unfortunately changed by the events that occurred that day. About halfway through the film, the emergency exit was blasted open and the theater was filled with smoke. At first, the audience screamed and gasped in delight at the wonderful special effects of the film. Then once a man dressed as batman walked in they all applauded in excitement. This excitement was immediately turned to horror when batman roundhouse kicked an 84-year-old
man. Unfortunately, the man, Jason Flaeton, was able to beat the living shit out of everyone in the audience before law enforcement arrived. After being asked why he did it he claimed “anyone who would dare support a movie that glorifies the life of my archnemesis, terrorist, serial killer, joker deserves to a pounding by my fists of justice.” Upon finding out that the 84-year-old man later died from the injuries sustained in the attack Flaeton appeared mortified. Later that night he committed suicide.
Editor-in-Chief Editorial Managing Editor Staff Business Manager Fall 2019 Mascot
Zachary Fox Vickram Singh Shaina Joseph Juicing Goose
THAT'S ME!
...continued from front
to be raised by September 1st, 2019. There has been a myriad of different controversies with the planned statue ranging from being repeatedly disavowed by New York City officials as “Not Legal” and an “Insult to what the existing stands for.” to users online decrying the whole thing as a waste of time and a “Bad Meme”. Haters aside, the actual construction aspect of the project has also been widely speculated. Boasting that the statue would be constructed within the year and be hand constructed using only recycled iron, the creator laid out no actual plan. With the deadline passing last week, the campaign raised a total of $21 million dollars from tens of thousands of donors. The success was celebrated by fans who flooded
social media with fan art and shows of support; One twitter user posted “Can’t wait to go pay my respects to the Iron Daddy” and another simply posted “Fat Nut #RIPMR. Stark”. Despite the success of the campaign, there was radio silence from the creator for the better part of the week. This silence broke with a single twitter post from the original poster of the campaign reading “:^)” and a screenshot of his personal bank account with a balance of $21 million dollars; his account was deleted minutes later. Nothing has been heard from him since with fan reactions ranging from incredibly angry to the less delusional “Yea, I guess that makes sense”.
WE'RE TRYING FOLKS
THE MEDIUM MISSION STATEMENT Many believe the Medium to be an obtuse free-for-all that frequently skirts the line between comedy and stupidity, all the while being the prennieal source for print pornograpgy to be still in existence. Unfortunately, that majority is absolutely correct. In an attempt to bring dignity (not dick-nity) back to the paper, The Medium is proud to present our official, totally not a joke, mission statement: We are an entertainment paper, we have no intention to hurt or offend anyone just provide happiness and laughter in this awful shit-hole of a world. Sticks and stones bitch. We have zero journalistic integrity nor ethics. What are ethics? I love you Dan Cretella. Making the world a bearable place one mediumly funny joke at a time. About 10 mediumly funny jokes add up to a pretty funny joke, so mathematically speaking if we make about 100 mediumly funny jokes a week that's more than one pretty funny joke a day, so I’d say that's a job well done. We at the medium are modern and sophisticated thinkers and are strong believers in the first amendment. We do not tolerate hate speech, but we believe in the importance of the differentiation between comedy and something created with bad intent. We are not here to be taken seriously and have purely good intentions. We also try to maintain a punch up mentality, because we are in most cases not fans of kicking someone when they are down, unless they really suck. We are a happy loving team and welcome all new-comers with open arms. Love, Zachary Fox, EIC, one of the final jewish members News Editors Samuel Hammer Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editor Page A7 Editor Features Editor
Mike Celletti Dhvani Mashru Brendan Suszynski Who's to Say Kelly Manniello
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to Cool Cat's Twitter account for always giving 100%
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Two Step How To: Picking the Right Sorority
PLEASE SAVE ME
10 Reasons the First Week of Class Makes All of Us Want to Die
By Dick Veiney
By PP Harding
Are you a freshman wondering which sorority you want to join come Spring Semester (provided that you have a high enough GPA that is...which, for the most of you is a high bar because you need a 2.5-4.0 and let’s be real, most of you haven’t been over the 50thpercentileinanythingexceptyourweights)?Confusedbythe factthatwhateverlanguagethesefraternitiesarespeakinginisn’t English(inTrump’sAmerica?!)?Noworries,Iamheretoprovideyou with an in depth how to pick the right sorority for you!
1. Too many FUCKING people 2. You're poor- you already have to find people to buy pics of your feet (please call if you're interested ;) 3.Professorsclaimtheirclasswon'tbelikeptherclasses 4. People actually show up for that class 5. Having to go to a place at a time???? 6.Peoplegettingonthebuswhileyou'regettingoff(You thoughtthebuswasemptyandnowyou'refacingpublic indecency charges from RUPD) 7.Youcan'ttakeashitinpeace,nomatterwhattimeitis 8. Freshmen. 9. The dining halls gave up after summer orientations ended 10. The dread of knowing that you're not going to pass yourclassesandwillturnouttobenothingjustlikeyour
Step 1: Ask yourself: How attractive are you? How attractive do you want to feel standing next to 30+ other people of your gender (who are all wearing a tight little black dressandhaven’teatenalldaysothey’renotbloatedforthisexact dance)? Ifyouranswertothefirstquestionis:notvery,Iwouldrecommend notrushinganysorority!Why?Becausetheyprobablywon’ttake you! Feel relieved, the choice is out of your hands already! Ifyouranswertothefirstquestionis“Ihavebeensentatleastthree nudes and I’ve only been here two weeks” then you can move onto the second question. Ifyouranswertothesecondquestionis“Very”to“Idon’twanttogo back to my dorm crying cause turns out these girls don’t need to useFacetunelikeIdo”thenIwouldrecommendnotrushingeither. However,ifyouacceptsuchaself-esteemcrushingfate,thenmove onto step 2. Step 2: Ask yourself: How much money do my parents have? Ifyouransweris:“Alot!”thenfeelfreetojoinanysorority!Prettyand rich? You’re a shoe in to be on the Facebook cover photo and be chosen to live in the sorority house. In 20 years from now you may even get invited to join the alumni council where you and a group of other affluent ladies figure out ways to cover up any hazing reports. Ifyouransweris:“Um,notthatmuch,why?”thenyou’reinforabig surprise! Sororities cost money! Being bullied for free is so public high school, in college you pay to constantly feel inadequate. But then again, these are your sisters for life, so it's worth it in the end. No one's gonna remember decades from now who slept with whose boyfriend or who drank whose entire vodka supply in one night.Orwholitwhosehaironfirecausetheyrattedthattheyhad gonorrhea. Or who flushed whose cocaine down the toilet… Anyways, I wouldpickasororitythatissmalleranddoesn’towna house because if your monthly check keeps bouncing, they’ll be desperate enough for members to keep you. There you go - your easy, simple, two step guide to picking the right sorority for you! I didn’t mention any specific ones, because god knows how many there are, but this guide is just to help you kickstartyourquesttofindingthesistersyouneverknewyouwould hate so much. Good luck freshies!
MY SAVIOR
20 Reasons to Live By The People
1.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 2.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 3.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 4.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 5.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 6.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 7.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 8.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 9.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 10.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 11.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 12.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 13.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 14.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 15.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 16.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 17.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 18.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 19.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby 20.ThesweetblackladyatBrowerwhocallsyoubaby
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OPINIONS
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“This page just got so much worse."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What's your favorite part about Rutgers?
POINT:
It is not Weird that I Kiss my Dad on the Lips Every Night. BY CHRISTOPHER SMITH
"Most people complain about class size, but I think big lectures are great. It's so much easier to jack it in the back row.” Pete O'File Currently on parole. “Professor Rochester's ass. Easily the best thing about the Physics department.” Tim Green Secretly a tit man. “The water fountains. They have the perfect lead content.” Joey Jefferson Funeral will be held later this week.
SPIDEY'S FAMILY SITUATION IS LOOKING TOXIC
I am a man who loves his dad, and there's nothing wrong with that. He feeds me, he clothes me, he keeps mom quiet when she's being annoying. What could possibly be weird about showing that love in any and every way possible? Just because I'm 25 now does not mean that I can't show my pops some good old physical affection when I just start feeling that sort of way. Grown men have been kissing for as long as anyone can remember. Jesus Christ used to wash the feet of the apostles, so if kissing my dad is weird, then what does that make Him? One of the most popular bands from the eighties was named Kiss. What does that make them, huh? A bunch of old weirdos dancing around in black and white face paint, making wierd tongue motions for thousands of screaming fans? I can't believe you would bastardize something which means so much to so many middle aged men. It's disgusting. Now I think I finally realize why everyone thinks I'm weird for kissing my dad on the lips every night before bed time. There is just no love left in the world. You would all rather single me out than admit that the childlike sense of wonder and love towards all things has been snuffed out in your cold black hearts. So go ahead. Go ahead and demonize me just because I'm keeping love alive in this world. Everytime I wipe a strand of my father's spit from my mouth, I'll spare a fleeting thought for each one of you miserable cretins.
Spider-Man Deserves Better than Sony BY MORDY GOLDSTEIN
I have been working with the famous web-slinger for many years and never have I seen him more heartbroken and upset than he has been in recent months. After the split between Disney and Sony, Spider-Man was unfortunately forced to leave Disney and his whole family within the MCU due to Sony taking full custody of him. Now that the split has solidified, thingshave been getting more difficult for Spidey. While he was having the time of his life with Disney, Sony began spending a lot of time with the anti-hero known as Venom. Spider-Man, now back with Sony, is being forced to spend time with Sony’s new focus and he does not like it. “Venom is a slob, who eats raw lobster with his bare hands, makes crude and distasteful jokes, and is constantly telling me to do weird things with him.” he tells me. Although Spidey brought up how much disdain he feels towards the new “family member,” Sony insists that spidey does a movie with Venom, insisting he should try to get to know him first before making judgments, and that maybe if they can get along, then they can do Sony a favor and make a whole trilogy together. After hearing this Spider-Man cried, “I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I miss Disney, I miss Mr. Stark!!!”
COUNTERPOINT:
Yes it Definitely Is, Son BY ROGER SMITH
Listen, when you were young it was kind of cute, but once you got into middle school you've kind of been pushing it. I pride myself on having raised a kind and loving son, but for fuck's sake sport, I nearly have to throw you off of me these days. Every time you're like "Don't worry dad. Just a hug this time." and like an idiot I believe you. Next thing I know you're shoving your damn tongue down my throat! Isn't consent supposed to matter to you millenials? And every single time you go straight to that "I'm the only one who knows how to love anymore." shit! Do you know how your sister shows her love for your mother and me? She calls once a week, visits once a month, and gets us a gift for our anniversary every year. You just show up unannounced with your mouth open and your pants halfway down! You don't even go for your mother. It's just me! Last time she answered the door you blew past her and immediately broke down the door to the bathroom where I was hiding! How did you even do that? How did you even know I was there? I hate to do this son, but I already talked to a lawyer. I am getting a restraining order.
Wednesday, February 13th, 2019
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LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX BABY BY LOU SKUNT
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Cinema
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Will my screenplay ever get picked up? (Of course it will! Life's a solipsistic movie where nothing ever goes wrong or unfulfilled! Even softbody ants can lift 500 times their body weight! Maybe some crumbling local bleach enema startup will run low on the toiletries' inventory and need some extra paper around the office! You'll find your place, don't worry!)
If LaCroix is drinking Sprite with a condom, is CBD just weed stuffed in a 42 gallon landscaping Hefty bag?
Was that girl really thicker than a bowl of oatmeal?
(I wouldn't associate your neighor's mutilated remains with relaxation, but whatever floats your boat.) How much foot fungus is too much?
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Celebrities Remember
(I don't know, but I DO know that quantifying someone's attractiveness as a lukewarm, rancid smelling, soggy mush vomit textured breakfast food is the highest form of flattery.) Why is nobody hot trying to fuck me?? (You’re not going for hot enough dating pools obviously. Try some anti-war protests or Amazonian mixers: you can’t be rejected by an immolated corpse!.)
(As long as your toenails don't achieve sentience, become those growling Last Of Us homonculi things, and establish a soverign penal colony from your body, you shouldn't have anything Girl on Hinge wants to get to worry about.) into a conversation on phiIf the average person con- losophy. How do I keep it sumes a credit card worth up without revealing that I of microplastics a week, am a dirty philistine? then how many weeks will (MAKE IT your philosophy it take my body to shit out brother. Follow the twistenough microplastics to as- ed greats like Tyler Dursemble a fully formed erotic den, Joe Rogan, Rick SanRealdoll? chez, and The Joker. Study (Just make a Tinder or the art of dorm poster wall (Agreed, he should really Backpage you fucking in- epistemology and Keyser pull himself up by his clown solent boxer sniffing NEET, Soze Kobayashi that shit Christ's sake.) suspender straps.) if you have to. If you wanna impress her, explain how Word of the Week: nothing in this existence intrinsically matters, not even originality.)
This Joker movie should be CANCELLED, as should Joaquin Phoenix's entire filmography. As a lonely white male, I am deeply afraid that they’ll worsen my dangerous urges to sound Siri’s dulcet tones into my cavernous rectum with an iPhone XR. (No comment, but we at the Medium do not kinkshame nor clownshame. You do you????) That Pennywise guy doesn't seem so wise if his bank account's that thin.
Sounding v. Insertion of objects deep into the urethral cavity. Size may vary. We are legion. We are private insurance. We are Delaniacs. Our hairlines will emanate an everlasting wave of iridescent light and pierce bright status quo through the Sixth Mass Holocene Extinction event. Kill one of us and a detachment of twelve men will stand to replace his rank. Do not fuck with us.
Romantic Health Are students having a lot of anal sex because Hurtado is shutting down and there’s nowhere to buy cheap condoms? (You think that's gonna stop me from fuckin? If people want birth control, there's drawers full of Hanes that need love.) My boyfriend never took sex ed, what's the fastest way to explain everything? (What is there to explain? You've got other lips between those legs, or a thin little shafty one, verbalize with that. Use the fork in a wall socket as a visual primer if you need to, provided you don't mind a little 110 volt surprise. Or maybe don't. Seriously. Club funds are tight as is and we don't need another lawsuit on our hands.)
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Political Intrigue
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Biden Channeling Obama-Era Hipness by Opening for Death Grips
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'Ello Govna', The Medium is currently in shambles. Content is all over the place. People are all over the place. Places are all over the place. While we try to get ourselves presentable for the readership, two people with two DIFFERENT names are working on our A7 page. I know, the sheer audacity to have two buffoons like us try to create a page is utterly disgusting. I'm sorry that both of our mommy's and daddy's got together and begotten filth such as us. We suggest you try to placate your displeasure by reading our page,I promise it's funny :)
PSA I love my mother Dad is eh Avoid the sisters
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By: Bradly "Brad" Tanner
First he called President Obama “Raprock” on CNN, now he's embracing the rap rock. The Sacramento experimental hip-hop group known as Death Grips have spontaneously announced a surprise tour with an enigmatic guest: former Vice President and 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidate, Joe Biden. The frontrunner has come under scrutiny for a few whoopsie doopsie gaffes like: sexual harassment, supporting segregation, bleeding from the eyes, expanding mass incarceration, and forgetting the name of the man he worked eight consecutive years for. For provocateurs like Death Grips, these mishaps comprise the peak transgressive, nihilistic energy they aim to embody. The group is notoriously enigmatic, rarely doing interviews or media appearances. Luckily, they were speaking candidly backstage, including frontman Stefan Burnett, better known as MC Ride: “I’ve called Death Grips the id, the gut, the primordial sonic incarnation of anarchic fury at the beck and call of no gods, no states, no kings, no masters. We will not publicly endorse nor advertise any candidate for the 2020 Election. That said, who better to channel the farcical fucking joke of our institutions than a incoherently babbling, vaguely racist homonculi ghoul in an ill-fitted wrinkly flesh suit?” Drummer Zach Hill, known for his violently concussive blast beats and ardor for surreal dadaist visual art, also concurred with Burnett. “Yeah, like he may be for everything our band would stand against and he hates sharing the tour bus with Stefan, but he doesn’t need to be. We sampled Manson on our first mixtape but we’re not for race war, folk rock, death cults man. Look, when he’s out there, he’s like a literal rotting, bleeding spire of this system. Like him or hate him, you gotta admit that shit’s metal. Might use it for our next project’s cover art or something.” After 27 minutes of looking for Beau in the jungles of Saigon, The Man Himself was lucid enough to speak. “Yeah, my PR people met theirs and one thing led to thing one another and now we’re tour grouping. I haven’t always been for the so-called youth raves, but these Grapes boys have treated me with the utmost politeness, especially Steven JPEGMafia. That gentleman’s an articulate fellow if I’ve ever heard one articulate reciprocal meticulousness myself, just like Prime Minister Bataranga Omaha.” Biden opened with a 48 minute monologue reminiscing on “those Syracuse derrieres”, whispering and holding the mic stand in an intimate embrace, blood eyes even bloodier under the harsh red fluorescent light. From there, Death Grips followed up with a lengthy set spanning most of their discography, including cuts from Bottomless Pit, The Money Store, No Love Deep Web, and their newest album, 2018’s Year Of The Snitch. The abrasive, violent chaos of their shows was made all the more harrowing by Biden’s anguished pleas begging someone to tell him where he is, as well as his (woefully misunderstood) commentary on the song choruses. “Lock Your Doors? I ALREADY DO THAT DOWN IN THE INNER CITIES! Why would I give the BAD PEOPLE good ideas? I’ll break a mirror in YOUR FACE you uppity fuckin’ whipper snapper! Take MY coat? No, you DAMN BLACK PAINTER! I’ll sit between the backseat and YOUR dick if I have any say about it!” Tour dates and locations TBA.
A Poem Inspired by my Reading for English
Your dick doesn't work. Why write a poem on said dick? It won't make it better.
September 11th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.sports@gmail.com THE DEMOTION OF THE CENTURY
TOM BRADY ADOPTS ANTONIO BROWN AS HIS NEW B****
IT'S ALL RIGHT AND DANDY IN FOXBOROUGH Tom Brady taking his bitch for a walk. BY FLICK BOOGER
FOXBOROUGH – Antonio Brown, the most self-proclaimed entitled man to ever live, recently had a fallout with the Oakland Raiders football team. After refusing to
show up to training camp, posting his fines on social media and nearly getting into a fight with Raiders manager Mike Mayock, Brown was released from the institution on September 7. Only a few hours later, the embattled wide receiver
Ten Things to Remember for Rutgers Tailgating Season
was picked up by the New England Patriots on a one-year, $15 million deal. It is safe to say that the whole scheme could have been plotted by the Illuminati or Tom Cruise’s Scientologists in a bid to make the world an even stranger place. The bid comes after the New England Patriots were about to begin their post-Super Bowl campaign. Given the recent scandal involving Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft, adding Antonio Brown is just one more issue rival fans have with the organization. One man who was excited about the new addition was Patriots’ quarterback and 42-year-old child kisser, Tom Brady. Apparently, Tom Brady immediately called Mr. Kraft and offered Antonio Brown a place to stay during his onboarding with the team. Brady’s $40 million mansion is open reign for Brown, who is known for his partying and various promiscuous activities. While Tom Brady may be welcoming the man with open arms right now, he won’t be when he finds a stripper reading The Ugly Duckling to his kids one
night. Tom Brady, however, has other plans. The six-time Super Bowl champion admitted that his invitation to Brown was just a ploy for him to do his household chores. “My landscaper recently just left”, said Brady. “I was hoping for Antonio to get to work. I know he’s missed the offseason, maybe cutting my lawn will help keep him shape”. Additionally, Brown is supposed to go to Brady’s house every night and collect the mail. When asked about his situation, Brown responded, “Man I’m such an underestimated guy. I love family. I love kids. I love Brady. I will do anything for them. Also, living rent free will save me money to pay for my millions of dollars in child support.” Brown will soon be supporting more children than just his own. Tune in next next time on "Brady Family Values"
Rafael Nadal's Tennis Career By the Numbers
BY FLICK BOOGER
1 The beer
6 Your boring Insta videos
2
7
Those Flimsy Table Things
Red Solo Cups
3
Your free Rutgers T-shirt
4
8 A drunk frat house
9
A condom?
A confused toddler
5
10
Your hot mom
Your slutty self
19
3
Career Grand Slams - one short of the GOAT, Roger Federer
Tennis rackets accidentally lodged up his butt hole
3 Million
2
Sexual moans made whilst serving
50,000 Tennis balls that he has taken to his own Spanish balls
Remembering Our Heroes SINCE 2001
Successful surgeries to take out aforementioned rackets. (You know what that means)
1 Happy Flick Booger who would like to congratulate Rafa on behalf of the Medium.