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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
September 18th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE V 50¢ WORKERS OF THE WORLD, PARTY!
BERNIE SANDERS ANNOUNCES DOLLY PARTON’S “9 TO 5” AS SOCIALIST ANTHEM RICHARD HERTZ DOESN'T DRIVE ANYWHERE
NEW BRUNSWICK — With the election a few months on the way, Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign has announced its new primary campaign song. In order to appeal to moderates and best exemplify the left wing spirit of their movement, the Sanders campaign has chosen to use the song of the greatest American Socialist— Dolly Parton. The senator explained at a campaign event, “9 to 5 was the clearest choice to myself and the hardworking people in my campaign. Mrs. Parton has been a deep inspiration to me and is a champion of the leftist cause at it exists in the United States.” Dolly Parton was born into a struggling farm family along with twelve brothers and sisters, living in a one room cabin in
CHARGE THAT—TO THE MOON Prescription: for all natural healing.
Tennessee. Through hard work and toil, she was able to overcome her circumstances and become a successful performer. While this may seem like a typical conservative "picking yourelf up by your bootstraps story", she never forgot about where she
came from and the struggle of poor and working-class people became a driving force in her life. Parton has championed numerous charities, going as far as to start her own charity that sends free books to any registered child from birth until they begin formal education Continued on Page 2
SO LONG GAY BOWSER.
NEW SUPER MARIO MINIGAME LETS MARIO EAT BOWSER’S ASS HEYWOOD JABLOMI THEY DIDN’T PUBLISH MY ARTICLE LAST WEEK :(
Tokyo, Japan — On top of being a plumber, athletic star, kart driver, world adventurer, consort for princesses, and brutal murderer of thousands of intelligent species by stomping them to death, one of Mario “Jumpman” Mario’s staples is his minigames. Ever since late 1998 with the release of Mario Party, Mario and friends have displayed a wide variety of odd talents in an array of minigames. While the first entry in the series will live in infamy for giving players blisters, Mario was undeterred in his board game-based quests, and despite an absolutely lackluster era from entry #8 to entry #10 (capped off
NOW WE KNOW WHERE THE PHRASE "MARY JANE" CAME FROM Thou does puffeth, puffeth, passeth.
with one of the worst “best of” appreciated by fans, so Mario’s games in recent memory), the low finally back to minigames! bar set by those games lead to the Lots of Mario Party games decent-but-only-decent Super have been fairly bizarre. Mario Mario Party being very much Continued on Page 2
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NEWS
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"Real horses don't even have fingers."
FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY
VLADIMIR PARTON
Hasbro launches New “BrexIt” Toy In Europe ROGERS WANG MORE LIKE SWEET THANG
WHAT A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING! . . . as needed. “9 to 5” is a leftist anthem anthem that gets to the heart of the struggle of wage labor, in such a way that would bring a tear to Marx’s eye. Her lyrics “It’s all takin’, and no givin’,they just use your mind, and they never give the credit” is an incredibly accessible way by which to express Marx’s theory of the alienation of labor.
...continued from front
Marxist sentiments can be found throughout the piece. Comrade Parton cuts right to the chase in her critique of capitalism by writing "It's a rich man's game. . . And you spend your life, Putting money in his wallet". The futitlity of the accumulation of wealthy shines through the piece. She’s an icon, and a powahful woman” Sanders said to reporters last week.
GAMERS ASSEMBLE THE BADDEST OF DRAGONS
HOUSTON, TX — On Tuesday morning, Hasbro made a surprise announcement on Facebook that a special edition toy would be released in select stores in Europe for a limited time. In an interview with brand representative Madison Ivy, she stated: “We simply enjoyed the absolute fucking meme Brexit has been so far and agreed to commemorate it with this special edition.” In this special edition of the classic Bop-It toy, you too
can bop the UK the fuck off the European Union through a part of the toy that sports the British flag. As Ivy took a fat rip out of a bong, she further commented on how her favorite part of the toy was how it really made you feel like Boris Johnson. “It’s a powerful and almost sensual feeling, to be completely honest; nothing makes me wetter than envisioning myself as a secondrate Donald Trump.”
. . . Party DS shrunk the main cast down (which was certainly a lead developer’s fetish), allowing for odd scenarios such as riding bugs or humping mechanical pencils to see how quickly they can extend them, but even “normal” games have some very odd concepts. Players can take to the skies in airplanes to shoot each other down, willingly step into an arena and get hammers thrown at them, jerk off the wii remote as fast as they can, raid ancient temples, make smoothies (which is pretty normal but why is that a game?), try to knock each other into lava, get crushed by pages of a giant book, and let’s not talk about those Donkey Kong games where the characters try to fit as many bananas as they can up their asses. In order to top all that and make their next game even more memorable, Nintendo had to step their game up, and what we found in a recent leak is shocking. The data mine recovered one and only one minigame, but it’s certainly a big one: Mario (or any other player
...continued fromfront
controlled character) can now eat Bowser’s ass, and the player will have to shake the Joy-Cons or mash a button to give Bowser the most pleasure. Nintendo fans have already gone wild with the implications of this, with of course camps divided into whether to consider the Party games canon or not. However, Bowser’s sexuality is the Mushroom Kingdom’s worst kept secret, as Mario outed the man repeatedly back in Super Mario 64, taunting him with “so long, Gay Bowser!” whenever he scored a hit during boss battles. Princess Peach has also reported in interviews that he seems to not desire her (or her kingdom) one bit, but rather he uses her as his beard and in an attempt to give his adopted son a mother figure. All this, however, was leaked without his permission, and as such Bowser’s never had a formal coming-out. This minigame seems to be his big announcement, and despite the less-than-family-friendly nature of his announcement, the gay community is ready to welcome him with open arms.
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The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to all my other personalities, sup babes?
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FEATURES “I’m filling in”
I CALL MY BACHELOR PAD “THE DRAGON”
Joe Rogan Changes Name to J.O. Rogan By J.O. Rogan
GET THAT BOOTY IN GEAR
Ass-trology: The One Thing Every Sign Should Stock Up On Before Hurtado Is Old-Yellered By Dick Veiney
If you’ve ever listened to a stand up special of mine, an episode of my podcast, or read my previous column here promoting the miracle benefits of jenkem, then you know that I am QUITE the aficionado in using chemical substances to naturally alter the limiting constraints of our consciousness. It can get pretty messy out there in the California wilderness with my Barrett M82, perforating elk skull after elk skull into a pulpy hamburger sludge of pink mist and viscera with point blank .50 BMG shots to the temple, so even a comfortably wealthy man like myself needs a calming breather once in a while! Normally using my sensory deprivation tank, which is unfortunately offline, I had to find alternative methods of relaxation. You see, for all of these years, I have withheld an unfortunate truth from my fans; I am a father of three who has never fucked or came in his 52 years of existence. I’ve had a few close call dates and felt myself edging when I held a serrated Gerber survival knife to a mother pronghorn deer’s abdomen, but never do I ever recall climax. My eldest is a stepdaughter, and my other two children were gestated in the room-temperature waters of my wife’s sensory deprivation tank, unperturbed to the pains of existence. Never do I recall, that is, until now. I was driving the Model S Elon lent me on autopilot when a funny thing happened; I was looking for a new set of brass kettlebells on discount, when the search bar autocorrected to Brazzers. A euphoric tingle arose in my jeans on the PCH, and I anomalously felt ever so compelled to rub upon this tingle, up and down, again and again. And again. And again. And again. And again, until I felt my ego collapse upon itself in a profoundly vicious explosion of equanimitous light and nirvana. What the fuck? How was I this ignorant for this long? Why was I led astray all these years down the futile hedonic treadmill toward drugs, when one has existed right beneath my waist, accessible at all times? Why have the Feds criminalized good, upstanding citizens like Pee Wee Herman and Louis C.K. for doing so in movie theaters, parking lots, potted plants, hotel room doorways, or wherever they choose to exercise their inalienable human rights in this Constitutional democracy? That’s like, fucked man. We live in a society that passes one sanction after another to outlaw fun, open honesty about issues, and simple, innately human pleasures. That’s why I am protesting this state sanctioned oppression by legally changing my name from Joeseph James Rogan to J.O.eseph J.ames RO.gan, and that’s why I am filing with the state of California to do so. After I get this petition to remove my name off the registry, that is. You can support my legal fees with Cashapp, but in the meantime, train by day, jerk by night, all day!
DID YOU KNOW... I AM A HUGE FAN OF LIZZO!? FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THIS AND OTHER AWESINE TASTES I HAVE AT THE MEDIUM PITCH MEETINGS IN ROOM 109 AT THE LIVINGSTON STUDENT CENTER ON WEDNESDAYS AT 7:45 PM!
Aries: Condoms - yes it is an actual crime to whip your dick out every time your team scores a touchdown if you aren’t in your own home (and even then, seriously?), but if you make sure that you have a condom on when you do it, at least you have some protection when the cops are called Taurus: Nyquil - want to get out of every social event that you recklessly committed to the first week of school? Take Nyquil and then it won’t even be a lie when you text them back three hours later that you were “taking a nap” Gemini: The medicine your psychiatrist prescribed you - please, please just take it. Cancer: Deodorant - I’m sure you meant well when you constantly give people hugs, but with the body odor you’re putting out, they may just put you in a cell with Aries Leo: Cough drops - the next time you have the urgent desire to proclaim, once more, anything about yourself that I promise no one gives a shit about, just put one in your mouth and suck until that urge goes away. If it doesn’t, repeat with the cough drop until you’re alone in your dorm again. Virgo: Ibuprofen - Those cramps in your stomach you thought were from your period or from eating Brower food? That’s a stress ulcer. You should probably relax, just a little bit more. Libra: Candy bar - “hot girl summer” is over, treat yourself. Besides, no one can see a little weight here or there in the slums of Rutgers’ frat house basements Scorpio: A heart - that’s fucked up what you did to Pisces Sagittarius: Bandaids - you can give them out as souvenirs to all the people you’re about to make fall in love with you and then ghost immediately after Capricorn: Toothpaste - gotta keep your teeth pearly white for all those interviews. Maybe they won’t even notice how the last time you smiled authentically was in 2003 Aquarius: Multivitamins - despite what your latest favorite conspiracy theory magazine says, no, people still cannot subsist off sunlight and weed. Please get some nutrients in. Pisces: Tissues - oh Pisces, did you really think that senior was into you for anything more than your meal swipes? You’ll never look at takeout the same away again
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OPINIONS
"If anyone wants to play D&D with me, shoot me an email."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
What did you think of the Democratic debate last week? "Kamala Harris is looking extremely strong. She seems very in touch with America's needs.” Kop White Has shot 30 dogs this month alone.
“I didn't watch, but it doesn't matter because I'm going to vote for Biden no matter what.” Nancy Jones Voted for Obama. “Why isn't legalization the focal point of these debates? I'm paying $40 for a quarter right now. It's bullshit.” Kendall Kendrick Names his bongs. THE D.A.R.E PROGRAM WORKS!
I Don't Smoke Weed, and Even if I Did it Wouldn't be a Big Deal Mom BY CHRIS ROBERTSON
Mom... Mom... MOM! Give me like five minutes before you start screaming, okay? Good. Maybe if you learned these communication skills sooner then dad wouldn't have left you for better mom. Anyway, listen, I'm not high. Like, I don't even know what weed is. Or... Umm... What it feels like. And, I mean, why would I? You raised me better than that! You were very very careful to make sure that I was discouraged from any and all drug use. And it worked! Like, you should have seen that party mom. Everybody was doing coke and all I did was smoke a little weed! I was being responsible as hell! I mean, wait- I didn't smoke any weed at all! I, like, went around handing out water bottles and stuff so that nobody woke up hungover! Just like you taught me! Remember? When dad would come home slashed and you'd tell me to get him water so he could get up for work in the morning? I remembered! It played out the exact same way too! Within 30 minutes of the vodka coming out people were fighting. Like physically! Just like you guys! And honestly I was too high for that, so I just started crying! Just like when you guys did it! I mean... FUCK. Okay mom, I'm high. Do you really care that much? Like, I drove home just fine. I could be dead, but instead I'm home before... What time is it? One?And... Uh... Jeez mom, what did you make for dinner? I got the munchies HARD.
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FAIRLY ODD WEATHER PATTERNS
We Should be Happy About Climate Change, Which is Definitely Natural BY TIMOTHY TURNER
We kids sure do have a big challenge ahead of us what this whole climate change thing, but I have complete faith in us to overcome it. In fact, I have so much faith in us that I can't help but see it as a net positive for humanity as a whole! Sure, we may never see snow again, but soon we will have an infinite summer! No more pencils! No more books! No more Mr. Crocker eye raping me every time I bend down to pick up a pencil! I know if I could wish for anything in the world, an infinite summer would be on the top of my list! Not that I could wish for it or anything, that would be ridiculous! But... I mean... you could see why I would right? Infinite summer! Every kid's dream! Think of all the happiness it will bring to the world! Sure, millions of people's houses will be under water, and there's gonna be a global humanitarian crisis, but how was I supposed to know how many lives would be lost? And hey... no home means no homework right? It's a win win! If you think about it, refugee camps are just one big outdoor sleepover! And... And... Listen I'm sorry okay! Wanda went to Fairy World for a few days to visit her parents and Cosmo thought it was a good idea! How was I supposed to know any better? I'm like 12 years old! I didn't mean for this to happen. I should have learned my lesson after I wished for the NYC skyline to be less cluttered. HE'S JUST DYING TO BE ABORTED
Abortion Must Remain Legal at All Costs BY [UNNAMED]
Ever since the day I wasn't born I have been a staunch abortion advocate. If my mouth had developed, I would tell all the friends I never got to have that abortion is both a human, and fetus right. And let's be honest, there's a difference. If you saw me at Starbucks ordering a Venti Nitro Coldbrew, would you think "Oh wow, look at that strapping young lad getting a bit of caffeine to start the day?" Of course not! You'd say, "Who smeared that bloody booger on the Starbucks counter? Hey miss barista! Could you clean that up? What? It's buying a coffee? What the fuck?" I mean, look at everyone who is in favor of banning abortion. Who are they? Old. White. Men. When's the last time you saw them share a body with a fetus? They claim to love us so much, but never once have I heard of an old white dude making some space in his womb and really getting to know one of us. They don't have our best interests at heart, and they certainly don't speak for us. Trust me, it is exclusively a good thing that I wasn't born. You know the first thing I was gonna do when I got out of the womb? Cry. After that? Shit. My mom did the human race a great service by taking a pair of forceps to my soft, partially developed skull. No doubt about it.
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ARTS
“Is Art for hippy weirdos or pretencious assholes?”
WHAT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT BY PENNY T.
PEACE TREATY BY ROGER'S WANG
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THIRD-EYE BY FRONSHAVONCADON
UBERLX BY FRONSHAVONCADON, PENNY TRATER
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PERSONALS
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"Scott Stapp Type Beat."
Vices
Relationships
Why can’t I survive college without my nicotine fix?
My daddy has stopped paying attention to me, should I tell my Father to beat him up? (Why not limit contact and wait for the day when he finally introspects his failings that never comes? REALLY pad out that feeling of perpetual edging y’know?)
(Because their business models are one in the same: a parasitic fiscal and physiological drain that you just NEED to lead a more comfortable life. Why WOULDN’T Phillip Morris & Bob Barchi be laughing their smug fucking faces off and crossing streams in the Is The Office a psy-op to boost left swipes and fuel same urinal?) the Millennial loneliness Why the fuck's White Claw so fucking popular? All it offers is epidemic? the same seltzer taste, the same (No the Office is a psy-op empty calories as malt drinks designed to get a generawith real flavor, the same feel- tion of children to focus ing of being a depressed bloated fuck, and defeating seltzer’s en- on a slightly less banal sittire purpose of making you feel com than average, than like a SLIGHTLY less bloated the looming sociocultural fuck. consequences of late-stage (Because feeling like a SLIGHT- capitalerrr.... Michael LY less bloated fuck goes a long Scott-chan makes my peeway for making me feel better pee hard.) about my body image, asshole.) Where can I find good floral discounts on the Dark Web for her? (Make sure you aren't confusing your carnations with pure Chinese opium, or perennials for pistol grip Mossberg shotguns with the serial numbers filed off.)
Why won’t my professor stop lecturing in class? Is that like his job or something? (Just that? No awkward icebreakers? No pandering slideshows with Office or Rick and Morty stills? No forced group projects? No infantilizing pop quiz games?!?! Pretty worrisome dude, I’d report their ass to OSHA.)
Word of the Week:
InDesign n. A malignant, gangrenous cancer afflicting proper typographic alignment. BEFORE ME YOU ARE A CORN POP IN THE SUN. YOU ARE A RECORD PLAYER IN THE AFTER BIRTH. IT IS IN YOUR NATURE TO DO ONE THING CORRECTLY: BEFORE ME YOU RIGHTLY TREMBLE. FEAR IS NOT WHAT YOU OWE ME: YOU OWE ME AWE.
Existential Dread
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PERSONALS: UNCUT
Why’d my goddamn buzzkill parents have to rain on my chill 14 billion year I’ve been coming to the wrong void parade for 3 sub par class for the last two weeks because I walked into the minutes of unprotected wrong class and was scared to walk out. How do I leave pleasure? without making a fool of myself? I’ve made friends with (I mean, have you SEEN a couple of my classmates and the professor hasn’t noticed that I’m not on her attendance yet. What should I your dad?) I’m really terrified of the do? abusive familial trauma cy- -- Awkward Student
Dear Kelly:
cle, the generational mental and physical health issues, the imminent recession, and the arid, hypoxic underwater hellscape that my kids will be born into reckoning with. Anywho, what’s the best crib set for some HECKIN cute octuplets??? :^)
(Nestle them in the soothing infallible cribs of positive thinking and mindfulness. Breathe for the sparse tastes of salvagable O2 you can still breathe. Exhale positive affirmations about not perpetuating the selfdestructive parental habits that you'll totally perpetuate. Observe the pain of the Wasteland Marauder's machete vivisecting your bowels on the Atlantic Desert sand, without judgement or self critique. )
Relationships (Cont'd)
This gay couple on the bus is making me really uncomfortable. They're just holding hands and talking but should they really be allowed to force their lifestyle on me like that? (Yikes, that's some #problematic Chick Fil A iced tea right there. You should find more of a safe space at BYU than Rutgers.) Is no one gonna talk about how Dark Pit from Kid Icarus and Shadow the Hedgehog have the exact same character arc? (You mean Issue #456 of the Wattpad yaoi slash fic where they made passionate love with Dale Gribble & Hank Hill before murdering live action Sonic in a propane fire? Everyone's read it by now, you're not some unique fuckin' Socratic intellectual for pointing out those parallells bud.)
Dear Awkward-Fuck, Listen here fuck-nugget, you’re done. There's no getting out of this one. You’re stuck in that class for the rest of the semester now. If you leave now, those “friends” that you made will know how much of a pussy you are for not having the balls to just walk out. Your mother should be ashamed that her child is so awkward. Did you think the professor will never notice? Of course she will, dipshit. It’s only a matter of time till your ruse is exposed. Did you ever think about what’s going to happen to your other class? Did you just expect to waltz yourself to an “A” in that class like “hIngA-DiNgA dUrGeN”. I hope you look back at this moment 10 years from now and cry yourself to sleep at the thought of how cringey you are. Anyways yea, just hightail your ass out and assume a new identity so your “friends” never realize what an awkward loser you are.
Dear Kelly: Everytime I see a picture of Gar-
field, I can’t help but smile. I just relate to him and his lasagna loving ways so much but recently, I can’t help but think of him as a cat-girl and I end up feeling a warm feeling inside. I have a girlfriend but I don’t feel like this when I see her. Am I a furry? -- Lasagna Lover
Dear Lasagna, Upon reading your question, I realized I should have poured bleach into my eyes a long time ago. If this is what humanity has come to, I think God should just smite us all, especially you. Do your girlfriend a favor and just kill her before she kills herself after she realizes that you probably jack off to gender-bent humanoid Garfield porn. You are a disgrace to the human race. I really fucking hope that the cat-girl you nut to 10 times a day isn’t a loli-con. If it’s a loli-con, I swear to god, I will find you myself and kill you. I’m watching you, you layered pasta fuck. And to answer your question; Yes, you’re a degenerate furry.
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Helping You Grow the Fuck Up!
Scary Stories for Today's Attention Span
How to:
Short Horror:
Shop for Groceries in Holland By: Throbin Williams
I had to leave getting drinks because my friend got hit by a car
By: Throbin Williams
You don't speak Dutch. Idiot! How are you supposed to buy groceries when everything is in a language you don't even understand? Well don't worry, I have some tips that will bring your grocery game to the
Next Level. 1. Ok. This isn't actually hard. Vegetables are still vegetables here. If you can't recognize broccoli or spinach it's time for a lifestyle change. 2. Seriously? The meat has a little clipart of a pig or a cow on it so you know. You don't know what chicken looks like? How are you possibly needing help with this? 3. Wow haha Frosted Flakes are called Frosties here. Oh what's that? How are you supposed to know that? Tony the Tiger is on the fucking box. Christ. There you go! Just use your eyes to look at the food! And if you're in serious doubt just pick someone to follow around the store and buy whatever they get!
My bottle of Grolsch opens with a pop, but is drowned out by the dull roar of conversation filling the bar. Everyone had the same plans for this beautiful Thursday evening: drinks at Lely. I'm sitting at the bar next to Laithe, fully engaged in his story about growing up in Russia. Dial up internet in 2007? I shudder at the though. Suddenly my phone buzzes. It echoes through the counter until I pick it up. It's Maria, sweet, she wants to come have a drink with us. I answer the call, serotonin flooding my brain. Before I can get a word in I hear her sobbing. She tells me she's been hit by a car crossing the street and needs me to com get her. My heart sinks. I have to leave the bar. The walls around me come crashing down. Sunlight stops shining through the windows. It's replaced by a bone chilling breeze. I take a moment to acclimate to my new reality. One where good vibes are all dead. I try to signal the bartender so I can close my tab. I look down to my left and the bar extends for miles. He becomes but a speck to me. My phone buzzes again. Maria shared her location with me, and shes 33 minutes by tram away. I dig through my pocket and put 5 euros down on the counter and exit the bar. The door closes behind me and my world goes silent. I turn around, just to get a last glance at what could have been, and the bar is gone. There's nothing but empty space where it stood. A chill goes down my spine. I walk briskly to the tram to go help Maria.
Local Listings and Great Finds Looking for a pet friendly room. Me and my 12 lizards are tired of roommates who constantly disturb our closed rehearsals of an all reptillian "A Midsummer Night's Dream." Contact: scalythespian@yahoo.com
Selling a 2002 Hinda Civiv. Looking for $2,000 OBO. Racoons living in the trunk NOT included. They're my friends and they don't talk to to strangers. Contact: streetcatluvr6@hotmail.com
Missing Parrot. He is yellow and blue with a black beak and responds to Jard. Wanted for countless war crimes. $500 reward dead or alive. Contact: thisisnottheusgov@us.gov
High-ku
Laundry day. Oh joy. How I Long to Wash and Fold. Cute bear on pink jug.
Stay in the Know
Campus Updates: Rutgers Introduces New Bus
September 18th, 2019 @MediumSports themedium.sports@gmail.com sports sports sportsy sports sports... sports... shorts, warts, quarts, forts, morts, gorts, dorks!!!
ELI MANNING SWAPPED FOR DUMBER, UGLIER VERSION OF HIMSELF HIM THE NEXT BEST THING. HIS SISTER CALLS HIM HER HUSBAND. HIS MOTHER CALLS HIM HER LOVER. THE MAN IN QUESTION? DANIEL JONES FROM DUKE UNIVERSITY.
A MAN IN HIS NATURAL HABITAT EVERYONE KNOWS THIS IS RIGHT RED. THIS CAN BE SAID BY: FLICK BOOGER
EAST RUTHERFORD – ELI MANNING HAS BEEN PICKED AS THE STARTING QUARTERBACK OF THE NEW YORK GIANTS. THE NEWS BROKE EARLY TUESDAY MORNING, AS THE CLEAR BLUE SKY OPENED UP ABOVE THE GIANTS TRAINING FACILITY ABOVE EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY. HOWEVER, WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED WAS FOR THE SKY TO TURN BLOOD
BECAUSE ELI MANNING AND HIS CAREER HAVE BEEN PUBLICLY AXED. UNTIL NOW, NO ONE KNEW WHO HE WAS, OR HOW HE GOT THERE. HE JUST RANDOMLY SHOWED UP BECAUSE HE CLAIMS HE WON A ELI MANNING LOOKALIKE CONTEST BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL. GIANTS’ GENERAL MANAGER, DAVE GETTLEMAN, SAYS THAT HE CAN’T SEE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO. HIS FATHER CALLS
Ten Things to Remember Before the Start of Basketball Season BY ROBIN BANKS
1 Boogie tore his ACL 2 Boogie's career is over 3 Boogie gave up $15 million 4 Boogie never won a ring 5 Boogie actually thinks he'll get better
6 AD is a healthy as can be 7 AD is entering his prime years
8 AD is making $25 million 9 AD will probably win a ring
10 AD will lead with lebron
THE NEWS COMES AS A HUGE LOSS FOR NOT ONLY NEW YORK, BUT ALSO THE SPORTS WORLD IN GENERAL. DANIEL JONES OFFICIALLY TOOK ELI MANNING, STUFFED HIM INTO THE FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME, AND WENT TO GO PLAY WITH WOODY AND HIS OTHER GIANTS FRIENDS. JONES, THE 6TH OVERALL PICK, COMES FROM A FOOTBALL PROGRAM THAT IS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF ITS BASKETBALL PROGRAM. WITH LAST YEAR’S STARS ZION WILLIAMSON AND RJ BARRETT ACTUALLY READY TO BEGIN THEIR RESPECTIVE BASKETBALL CAREERS, DANIEL JONES LOOKS LIKE HE JUST USED HIS WHITE PRIVILEGE AND ODDLYSIMILAR LOOKS TO GET HIS SPOT ON THE STARTING LINEUP. ELI MANNING, ARGUABLY ONE OF THE GREATER
QUARTERBACKS OF HIS GENERATION, IS A TWO-TIME SUPER CHAMPION, AND A TWO-TIME SUPER BOWL MVP. ADDITIONALLY, HE RANKS WITHIN THE TOP 10 OF TDS THROWN, AND YARDS RECEIVED. WITH SUCH STATS BACKING UP THE AGING QUARTERBACK, YOU CAN ONLY WONDER WHETHER OR NOT GETTLEMAN AND CREW WERE SMOKING LONG DOOBIES ONE SUNDAY EVENING WHEN THEY MADE THIS DECISION. DANIEL JONES HAS A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF HIM. WITH ALREADY A 0-2 SEASON, THERE IS NOT TOO MUCH ROOM FOR ERROR. AT THIS POINT, GOING 0-16 WOULD LOOK A LOT BETTER THAN 1-15. THE GIANTS DEFINITELY NEED TO RECONSIDER THEIR DRAFT PICK AND GET THEIR HEADS STRAIGHT. MANY PEOPLE ARE ALREADY SHOWING THEIR CONCERN, WITH ONE FAN SAYING, “I DREAD THE SECOND COMING OF JESUS LESS THAN THIS”. AT THE MEDIUM, WE WISH DANIEL JONES ALL THE BAD LUCK AHEAD OF HIM.
Rutgers' Men's Lacross By the Numbers BY ROBIN BANKS
10 People who actually attend lacrosse games
23 Ranking of Lacrosse country
Rutgers across the
10 who
lplayers don't know they won't "make it in the league" and opt for lucrative careers
Urine empowered SINCE 1970
0
non-players that attend the games
$10,000
robably allotted to the team for the season
1 Sports
Medium writer rooting for the team