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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue III
50¢
SEPTEMBER 28TH, 2011
SPORTS
SCARLET KNIGHTS PLAN MOVE TO 'BIG 1' CONFERENCE
BY EIC BLOOD'N'GUTS EDITOR IN CHIEF
BUSCH—The Scarlet Knights have always been in a league of their own—and soon, they actually will be. Rutgers athletic director Tim Pernetti announced in a press conference yesterday that staring next year, Rutgers will no longer be a part of the struggling Big East Conference, which has gradually been losing college football programs to rival conferences. The Big Ten or the ACC won’t be receiving a knock at their door, however; Rutgers is building their own house. The newly established conference will be known as the “Big 1,” appropriately named, as Rutgers will be its sole member. Pernetti expressed optimism over the forthcoming conference move. “We believe this will put us in an advantageous position,” said Pernetti. “I see a big, fat
WE ARE (ALWAYS) THE CHAMPIONS The university was quick to announce the change of league.
winning streak in our future.” College football analysts speculate that the exclusivity of the Big 1 will make it a desirable and elite conference. “Rutgers is going to be the most winningest team in the NCAA,” said ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit. “I can’t think of any-
one who wouldn’t want to be in that conference, playing against that kind of powerhouse. But just as there can only be one Slim Shady, there can only be one team in the Big 1.” Many support Rutgers deContinued on Page 2
SCIENCE
Study: Fat Chicks Evolved From Hot Chicks BY PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITER
SCIENCELAND—In a recent study carried out by a collaboration of anthropologists from both Harvard and Princeton University, led of course by Stephen Hawking, researchers have found that attractive girls actually develop excess body weight as a natural deterrent from chauvinist pigs. “I used to have to endure constant irksome remarks about my beauty from creepy old men, in addition to regular date-rapings at frat parties. Now that I’m significantly overweight, I feel much safer,” said one fat chick in an interview. When placed in a laboratory setting with a large pile of adipose tissue derived from the cadaver of an obese female, male participants generally experienced a similar sensation. “I’m not sure why,” said one subject, “but I REALLY don’t want to have sex right now.” Carter Swartz, a 20-year-old frat
EVOLUTION IN ACTION This woman once weighed 120 pounds. Around 20 years ago.
bro here at Rutgers, added, “It may not be the most alluring thing I have ever seen, but that pile of fat seems like it probably has a great personality. I could definitely see myself being ‘just friends’ with it.”
Further studies are still being conducted to determine whether, conversely, hot chicks are actually evolved from fat chicks who desired more male attention. Concluded Hawking, Continued on Page 2
Everything is so pretty! ESTABLISHED 1970
TRAFFIC
Damn Hippies block traffic, for like, 20 minutes BY GUY STUCK IN FRIGGIN' TRAFFIC CONTRIBUTING REPORTER
GEORGE STREET—At around 5:30, or whenever everyone was getting out of work and starting to drive home, some dumb hippies with their posters and their megaphones and shit stood in the middle of the biggest freakin' intersection in town and nobody could move their cars so that they could get the heck home. Inconsiderate of all the innocent people who just wanted to get home, have a beer and watch television with their families, the stupid, beatnik, fruitcakes from Rutgers were yelling about some homeless guy that shot at a cop or a cop that shot a homeless guy or something like that. But what was really important was that nobody could leave New Brunswick. "It's taking me fifteen minutes to travel the distance between Saladworks and Wells Fargo," said some guy in a Sonata who was honking his horn a lot. "I should just turn around and take the backroads, but this asshole to the left of me won't let me merge!" And the police were freakin' blocking the intersection so they couldn't move either way. "We don't want to harm the protesters or anything," said one cop, "But I'm sure they wouldn't have minded if my Santa Fe 'happened' to clip into the backs of the freakin' commie kids with their flannel and shit." And one of the kid's megaphones didn't even work! Like, they come all the way here and didn't friggen prepare! The guy was yelling into it but it didn't make any noise. With no end in sight, the freakin' kids finally left and they all went home to probably get high or read the Huffington Post or complain about Fox News and the rest of us went home to go get yelled at by our wives about being home late and not having this week's paycheck to pay for the mortgage and that her mother is coming for dinner. Fuck!
NEWS
the Medium
“She's so tiny! And drunk!”
PANCAKESSSSS
Rutgers Fans Serve Ohio Quarterback BY KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
BUSCH — The Ohio Bobcats starting Quarterback Tyler Tettleton was not ready for what a group of Rutgers students had in store him for Saturday when he arrived at High Point Solutions Stadium. Two juniors, Rochelle Williams and David Quigley attempted to serve him breakfast while both wearing Scarlet Knights gear. The Ohio Bobcats were in town getting ready to face Rutgers’ Scarlet Knights in a match that was aired on ESPN 3. After suffering a heartbreaking loss to North Carolina, Williams and Quigley wanted to find a way to “psyche out” the opponent. “When I had heard that Red Sox pitcher Erik Bedard was served child support papers by a Yankee fan before a game, I figured this could be the start of a new trend,” said Williams. Williams and her long-time friend and tailgate buddy, Quig-
ley, agreed that serving the opponent’s QB with something would throw him off his game much like the incident between Boston and New York in Major League Baseball. “We thought about it for a few days and finally came up with pancakes. As a science major, I know that it’s bad to eat complex carbohydrates before any type of rigorous physical activity. So, we lathered those cakes with syrup,” said Quigley. The students’ plan seemed to work to perfection as the Knights toppled over the Bobcats (insert score here). Both Williams and Quigley are scheduled to receive honorary certificates for their bravery and a $50 gift card each to IHOP. “This is a ground breaking accomplishment on a strategic level. Those two nerds need to join the Army and start thinking up some new ways to catch us a terrorist,” said Coach Greg Schiano.
This gives new meaning to the term "Butter-fingers"
DO YOU HAVE INTEGRITY, MORAL VALUES AND AN INTEREST TO LEARN? Than write for the Targum and leave me alone! ATTEND A MEDIUM MEETING! WEDNESDAYS @ 8:00 PM BUSCH STUDENT CENTER 118
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
Wednesday, September 28th, 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
STATISTICIANISM
New Study Proves Harmful to University Statistic
BY DR. K MANAGING EDITOR
OLLEGE AVE. — A recent C study conducted by Rutgers’ Health Outreach department has given little credibility to Rutgers’ popular alcohol usage statistic. The statistic, ‘2/3 of Rutgers Students stop at 3 or fewer drinks, and 1/5 don’t drink at all’ has proven controversial over the past few years, but year after year data has proven it correct. “People continually ask me how that could be when bitches are always walking around schwasted on the weekends,” said health outreach director Nancy Shields. “I was personally a bit stunned myself, but I’ve seen the data. Things took a turn this past year when a new question was added to the survey: ‘How often do you lie’. “Given choices ranging from 1 being very rarely and 10 being frequently, we found the average for the 2500 students surveyed to be 8.5,” said
researcher David Thornebrook. “Over 80% of the respondents rated themselves as 7 or higher. We’re now in a situation where we don’t know whether to trust their survey answers or not!” Even more shocking to the survey administrators was that on a separate question, 43% of the respondents claimed that they were diagnosed by a psychologist as being pathological liars. This has caused much concern from the university faculty. “I had a feeling something was wrong. I had the same student in classes 3 semesters, and in two semesters he claimed his father had died,” said associate professor William Gregory. “I immediately accused him of lying, but then he told me was adopted by an elderly gay couple. I just didn’t know what to say when he claimed his mother had died in the third semester.” The test is currently in the process of being re-administered using a polygraph test. Results will be available in February 2012.
BIG ONE
FAT CHICKS
...continued from front
cision to move to their own league, including football head coach Greg Schiano. “I’ve always felt we’ve been out of place in the Big East,” said Schiano in an interview. “But what would the Big 10 or Big 12 do? We’re not ten or twelve. We’re number one.” Fantasy football enthusiasts have already been compiling their rankings for next year’s inaugural Big 1 season, and already it shows that football fans have more faith in Rutgers than ever before. News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
...continued from front
“Perhaps they have developed a pathological resistance to catcalls and Rohypnol. However, I’m still skeptical as to whether or not they were ever actually busted. I remain doubtful.” When reached for comment, the NAHCTF (National Association of Hot Chicks Turned Fat) admitted, “[Being fat] is our most successful strategy thus far for avoiding douche bag guys. Interestingly, African-American males seem unaffected. Plans to repulse them as well are still in the experimental phase.”
What’s Shakin Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche I'm king of the world!
Phillip Li Steve Troulis V Blumpkin Kid Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw Oh, shit! Iceberg!
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Google Plus. Because nobody is really paying attention to it anymore, and we thought it deserved it some loved.
Wednesday, September 28st, 2011
FEATURES
“Lucky numbers: 6 12 31 33 40 57”
A-LISTERS
STUDENT
profile
Steven Toledo a.k.a. “Unicycle Guy”
Pedal to the Metal
You may recognize this skillful graduate student as the guy that rides a unicycle to class. Well, if you look past the spokes, you’ll find that there’s more to Steven that makes him unique. He’s an avid member of the juggling club on campus that meets every Friday (3-6 pm, Voorhees Mall). In addition, he’s been spotted snatching burgers from students’ hands and throwing them in the Raritan River (he’s vegetarian). However, Steven prefers spending his time “collecting skills” such as the Japanese language, origami, and painting (graduated from Mason Gross with degree). He also rides a freaking unicycle everywhere.
PAPARAZZI
Things People Have Screamed at Unicycle Guy
It’s not easy being a guy who rides a unicycle. Dealing with hecklers is always a concern when trying to cross through the city of New Brunswick. Here are some of my favorite shout-outs...
the Medium ON THIS DAY...TODAY This morning, Jenny DiSilvestro received an odd text from some creepy-ass guy in her class. Dear men of Rutgers, please stop being weirdo-fucktards. Givin’ me a bad-rep, yo.
• “Woof, woof, woof.” • “What? Couldn’t afford another wheel?!?” • “Having fun, Harry Potter?” • “Look! It’s a unicorn!” • “Hey! Catch!” • “A bird? A plane? No! It’s unicycle guy!” • “Wanna race?” • “Do a wheelie!”
PLEASE SEND ME E-MAILS FOR CONFESSIONS: THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM
NON-FICTION
GOING IN
for those newbies unfamiliar first but I was willing to give it with him, he’s my Deep Throat. a shot. The night was dark and For those unfamiliar with Wathe rain was pouring from the heavens like a thousand needles piercing my skin. I think it was acid rain but either way, it was frightening. When I had walked all the way to Alexander Library, I noticed my first clue. There was a black shawl lying on the ground outside the doors. I had seen this shawl before. It belonged to a woman I’ve seen before. She was a member of tergate, he’s my source within SPJ, otherwise better known as Rutgers. For those unfamiliar the Society of Professional Jourwith Rutgers, go screw your- nalists. While I didn’t know her perselves, you made me write a whole paragraph re-explaining sonally, I ventured inside hoping to return it. It was late and the everything. I spoke with him briefly library would soon be closed. I and asked where I could find a wasted little time sneaking up good story. He told me to try the on people. But I couldn’t find library. I didn’t believe him at her…not until I heard her voice.
When I found her, I soon learned I had found THEM. They were hiding in the back of the library, hidden deep within the bookshelves. I tried to remain hidden and turned on my trusty recorder. For those 15 seconds, I felt like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone. I was scared, alone, and had a stupid Talkboy in my hand. Unfortunately, this is a newspaper and I can’t share what I recorded with you at this moment. But believe me when I tell you…someone, somewhere, somehow…IS OUT TO GET US. They want The Medium destroyed! But why?!?? Is SPJ involved? Is this connected with the “flooding” Pearl Diver mentioned in my first report this semester? Is The Medium safe? I suppose we’ll find out in the coming weeks...
VIRGO
LIBRA
CUTE THING OF WEEK
If you’re a Virgo, today is just going to suck. I’m sorry, I really feel bad for you. If I told you about all the awful things that were going to happen today, you’d probably just break down and start crying. I’ll save you the agony...then again, it’s probably more fun to tell you. You will die today. Yes...No...Nooo...don’t try to argue this. I’m never wrong.
A parking ticket might find its way to you today and it’s not a little one either. Big daddy whomper ticket, here I come! If the RUPD doesn’t harass you today, the Rutgers bus system will. Beware of that trip on the LX, barf may find itself onto your clothes. There’s a bunch of drunk kids just waiting and itching to vomit on you.
HANE
With Sha-NayNay As a part-time sleuth and hooligan I wanted to find my way back into the mix with all the rascals, bastards, and conspirators. So I wasted no time last week in braving the stormy weather with my new and trusted sidekick, a voice recorder. I needed to find something truly gritty, nasty, and vile pertaining to Rutgers. The first place I thought to look was the bathrooms in the basement of Voorhees Hall. After finding nothing but a bunch of old pornos and a secret passage into Narnia, I moved my search elsewhere. I called up an old friend, Pearl Diver. You may know him from my previous reports but
HORRORSCOPES
8-23 to 9-22
9-23 to 10-22
AQUARIUS 1-20 to 2-18
Today’s your lucky day. You are going to get fucked by a kid named Blumpkin. Yes, you heard me…BLUMPKIN. Try not to shout his name too loudly. We all know what you’re up to. By the way, don’t be a fool, wrap your tool! Rutgers hands out condoms like they’re candy anyway. By Supa Krupa Trupa
Submitted by Everyday I’m Trufflin’
OP/ED
the Medium
“But shakin’ it’s all I know!”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Alright, Ok, Slavery Was Wrong. I Get It. BY TROY GLOVER
I don’t remember the first time I learned about racism in America but I sure as hell can recall my last lecture on it. It was one of America’s biggest hypocrisies in its earliest years but I’m pretty sure I’ve learned more about it than I really need to know. Bluntly speaking, I’m sick and tired of being lectured on slavery. If I have to hear another professor at Rutgers discuss the timeline of slavery and how it was abolished I’m going to stand up in the middle of class and scream “Shut the hell up! I get it! On behalf of my great-great-great-great grandfathers, I’m sorry!” This all started freshman year at Middlesex County College when I took an English class that forced us to read some short story written in the Civil War era. Not only did I receive a history lesson on slavery that semester but I had to write a paper on it. Next semester I had another World History class that discussed slavery
Wednesday, September 28th, 2011
from the perspective of the African natives. This was followed by several more semesters of history classes, sociology classes, and even computer classes that lectured me on the slavery era. I do not believe there has been a single semester gone by of my collegiate education that has neglected to re-educate me on racism in America. Seriously, I know
“My instructors still feel I haven’t grasped the concept of racial equality?” it was wrong, still is wrong, and always will be wrong. But why just keep bringing it up? If I were black and I had to sit there in class and be reminded of that shit every semester, I think I would get sick of it. We get along pretty good now, right? I mean, I know some rednecks still hate blacks and I’m sure there are still some blacks holding a grudge on whites but maybe it’s
because we keep bringing up the past?! I wrote my first paper related to racism in America back in third grade. It was about Rosa Parks and when I read the paper aloud at the community’s “My Kid is Better Than Your Kid” event, a black guy stood up and clapped for me. It was that moment that I felt I had accomplished something. I had learned racism was once a problem in America and that blacks and whites can now get along. But seriously, 1415 years later and my instructors still feel I haven’t grasped the concept of racial equality? I’ll admit that Birth of a Nation is a fucked up movie on more than one level but I didn’t write it nor did I act in it. Maybe these professors should focus on something that has a little less dust on it like the crisis of childhood obesity? Is that what you want Rutgers? Fat kids? Come to think of it, New Brunswick is the home of the “fat” sandwich. Wow, this is finally making some sense!
UNIVERSITY VOICES
How Do You Feel About The ‘New’ Facebook? “I’m so angry I have literally considered killing Mark Zuckerberg. He is dead to me. Dead.” Annie St. Clare, 2nd Year Grad Student
“We’re one step closer to Myspace style HTML. And I love it!” Davion Kale, SEBS Junior
“It’s like Facebook had a baby with Twitter and then Tumblr was the nanny.” Isaac Clarke, SEBS Senior
“Aren’t there still two wars going on? Or are we just not talking about that anymore?” Lindsay McShane, SAS Sophomore
“Like” The Medium on Facebook!
ADVICE
Ask Someone Who’s Trying to Sabotage You
Dear Someone Who’s Trying to Sabotage Me, I’ve been struggling with school for the past few weeks I just haven’t been able to get the hang of my classes. I have not been able to keep up with my homework and I have already had at least one absence in each of my classes. Studying has become such a difficult chore for me too. Do you have studying tips or advice to increase my motivation for schoolwork? Sincerely, Studying in Scott
Dear Studying, I think your best option is to look at the classes you’re taking and just drop the ones you can’t handle. You’ll be able to make the credits up in the summer or winter sessions if you really need to. Honestly, don’t even worry about how many credits you need to graduate. As far as your studying goes, make sure you avoid overstudying. If you just sat yourself down in the library with your notes or some example problems then how much do you really thing would get done? It would only make you more exhausted and unhappy with school. My advice would be to only study when you feel it’s really necessary. Soon you’ll be on your way to straight A’s!
themedium.opinions@gmail.com Remember: You probably haven’t thought of a fresh, new way to complain about your roommate or the buses. Just saying.
Wednesday, September 28th, 2011
ARTS
the Medium
“The sky is pregnant with maggots.”
COMIC
COMIC
COMIC
FINE ART
A study of Picasso’s The Old Guitarist with absolutely no changes or alterations by Jelly
GRAFFITI
You can sumbit to the Arts Page Graffiti Comics Reviews Be an inspiration for a new generation Location: Parking lot on High Street submitted by Dan “Oman” Chog Jr.
themedium.arts@ gmail.com
the Medium
PERSONALS “Dude, Did You Fuck This Bread?”
FROM MISTER ED: THE TALKING HORSE
LIKE A BOSS
Dear English exchange student who I fake married at the highlighter party last weekend, yes you... You are a 10, and your accent exponentially increases how sexy you are. Marry me. Seriously this time. (Next weeks party idea- fake divorces and division of marital property.) It has come to my attention that I have been too lenient To the girl that burps in on you corn dogs and apparently I need to be "Nicer" my international media to you boring idiots. Also I should give more informa- class: I'll be the first to tion about stuff at place with thing and blah blah blah say that you annoy the blah. While the request has been taken into consider- shit out of everyone in ation, it will be reviewed, put on the back burner, and this class with your burpcompletely disregarded in approximately 1-2 busi- ing, even our professor. ness days much like most operations and requests in Don't come anymore or if a normal business setting. Just like a one legged mon- you do, put masking tape key riding a unicycle up a hill, I aint movin or chan- over your mouth gin for nobody (Southern education is pretty cruel to (I know that girl you fuckyour vocabulary sometimes). So now that we have ning douchefag. She actuthat out of the way, submit to the mothafuckin per- ally has a health condition sonals. Operators will be standing by to publish your that causes her to burp in a certain cycle of time. Learn bitchy comments. WILLLLBBBUUURRRRRR!!!!!! the facts before you open SUBMIT TO THE PERSONALS AT your idiotic gaping maw of a mouth. So ignorant.) themedium.personals@gmail.com To the bitchy girl in my class with the whole neck tattoo, you bitch and complain about how hard it is to find a job. Do you really wonder why the fuck nobody in the professional world wants to hire you? No use finishing your degree because you are just going to be flipping burgers at McDonalds the rest of your life you fucking bitch.
Wednesday, September 28th, 2011
To the guy on the bus who mentioned that they should make a "Special Atlantic City" version of monopoly like Simpsonsopoly. Where the fuck have you been man? Do i really need to explain the logistics to you or would it be better to just shove a lead pipe down your fucking throat til I can see light at the other end
(So much fail it should be (Those lip rings, nose plug, illegal. If you handle your and huge gauges arent help- money like your common inh your case either. Seri- sense I wouldnt trust you ously, you insult McDon- as my banker. Must be the alds employees everywhere same reason we plunged by making such a compari- into the great depression in the first place you dick) son) To my boyfriend- Roses To my neighbor to the are red, violets are blue, North- you had your trash is dumped, and so chance, times up and the plan is already in motion. are you
To the asian girl in my neurobio class who kept huffing and puffing when I dozed off during lecture. Seriously?...I apologize that I'm hispanic and was only born with the capacity to carry a pocket knife and hotwire a car unlike you--who was granted the ability to decipher the entire human genome at birth. So shut your mouth next time or I will gladly shove an entire roll of salmon sushi down your throat. To the guy with the rebel pride emblems all over his car on college ave, we live in fucking New Jersey. The south lost the civil war, and you are about as out of place as a sail boat in Oklahoma. Getz you sum learnin you fucking redneck dick (THE SOUTH WILL NOT RISE AGAIN! But seriously if you want to live then don’t say that to the people south of the Mason Dixon line. They refuse to admit that the confederates were defeated. They call it a century and a half of lies. Shits fucked up)
TRUFFLIN’
DOUCHEBAGGERY
To Seymour, the goat with the massive testicles on Cook farm. The ladies love you, you're more man than I'll ever be. (You just got 1 up’d by a goat. Manhood= gone)
I came to the conclusion during my Italian Culture class that the first hipsters came in the Renaissance because: 1: They loved Greek and Roman Classicism 2: They didn't want to be To the short bitch that part of the Middle Age tried to cut in front of culture me getting on the bus on 3: They probably didn't livingston. The bus was bath often empty but I cut your ass 4: They wore funny off with my arm anyway clothes just on the principle that you're rude as fuck. En- (More little known facts about the renaissance erajoy the rest of your day. the people all rode fixed gear (Don’t ya hate it when shit bicycles, drank shit tons of like that happens? Should’ve Pabst, listened to obscure given her a hearty dose of music, and shop at thrift stores) listen bitch too) To the fat fuck in comp To the professor of the sci: we know you're fat one credit class that cause you sit in the front I don't like going to: row and we can all see couldn't you have just those rolls in the back of put all the information on some kind of pamyour sweaty head. Did you know it looks like a phlet or email and then wet, wrinkled twat? All I wouldn't have to sit on you do is sit on Facebook Douglass for an extra and be disruptive to the hour and a half? professor–even he called (Na, that would make it way too easy and make total you out on it! I hope you get pushed off a sense. Then how else would moving bus for taking the professor know you were pretending to care?) up too much goddamned To the shithead who space. (Soulds like somebody has turned to Hamilton from Easton, you're aware that “heavyman syndrome”) you almost ran me over Sorry I used all your gas, and I would have taken drank the last of your your sorry ass to court. beer, and screwed around Hope you get run over. in your bed. Consider it payback for playing Avr- (Nothing says GOOD MORNIN like a mustang il Lavigne and Britney windshield to the face.) Spears on infinite repeat To the person on Suyduring our childhood. dam who said the parties (Sounds like a terrible child- on your street weren't hood. If my sibling subject- skanky: I'm still scratched me to that trash id not ing my nuts from a party only use all the gas in the car, but id probably drive I attended there freshit into a tree before the tank man year. Love, Sum was empty and blame it on Dum Joo. “goddamn vandals”. ) (Knowing him, there is no To the personals editor, way he got laid at all during his freshman year!) Loved the corgy in last To a girl that I have been weeks paper! really slow to make a (Thank you!) move on: please be paiTo the guy who nearly tent. I am terrible with ran me over after I fell off women. my bike and revved his To all the dildos bitchengine as I was trying to ing on this page, pull stand up: fuck you. Fuck. your tail Out of your ass You. and actually confront the (Fuck you sideways with a people you are whining shovel) about. This page should
To the dead squirrel outside of Scott Hall, Youz dead! To every person riding the REXL on Sunday (No shit sherlock, what gave it away, was it the millions night- Scream a little of flies and bugs all over it louder you jackasses, or that it just plain didnt they cant quite hear you move when you tried to in fucking Guam. catch it. Is this the best you To my room- why cant people have?) Ever notice how people you clean yourself? from Ohio look like they (And I wish my grass was have fetal alcohol syn- To the Blizzard Wizard, emo so it would cut itself. drome? Seriously have we need to hang out Im a random box you be reserved for sound more. Let's make this fucking assholes. Fill me recommendations. Falace Sadly we cant have every- you seen those fuckers? happen. with stuff! thing though) advice (The personals- helping untie the knot since 1970)
PERSONALS
Wednesday, September 28th, 2011
the Medium
“How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it!!!”
FOOD FIGHTS
MORE PO-POS
CAT CALLS
To the Neilson Dining Hall: STOP RUNNING OUT OF SKIM MILK! There have been at least five times that I was at the dining hall when there was no skim milk. I mean why is there always chocolate milk and whole milk while skim milk remains neglected? I’m telling you, this is discrimination. SKIM MILK DRINKERS UNITE! (If they won’t give you any, I’d be more than happy to loan you some of my milk in your cereal or coffee...or on your face :-p.)
FUCK YOU RUPD! On Sept. 14th immediately after tailgating you claimed I was staggering through the field (as there wasn’t 3,000 others doing the same). I WAS NOT STAGGERING, DICKHEADS! I was dodging things like bottles, cans, dildos, used rubbers, passed out freshman and the like. You waited until I got near the Hill Center bus stop, tackled me down, handcuffed me, kneed my back, hurt my left elbow and right ribs. I WAS NOT DRUNK SO FUCK YOU RUPD! You forced me to the hospital where RWJ forced me to stay for 12 hours (Also FUCK YOU RWJ!) Here is why I couldn’t have been drunk: NO SOBRIETY TEST OF ANY TYPE WAS DONE! If you want to contact me, DON’T! Police brutality is a federal offense so your attorney will have to contact mine. And just in case I forgot to mention it: FUCK YOU PUSSY’S and DICKHEADS of the RUPD! (Wow dude. Considering you ranted this much about it, I sincerely hope you got off your ass and did something about it. Please don’t make those of us with legit grievances about the douchiness of RUPD/NBPD look bad.) To the sorositutes on the F bus last week around 4:00 with the fake Ugg boots; I think that phelgm that I have been coughing out for the past 2 weeks has a higher IQ than all of you combined. (Yeah, probably. Some of the phlegm I’ve coughed up is now working on the Hadron Particle Collider.) I don’t get why people are still fucking stupid on the bus. If there’s space in the back or in the middle, move back fucktards. Especially in the long buses.
To the president of that organization I joined, you are one sexy bitch. When I see you take charge, it makes me wish you’ll take charge in my bedroom, wearing those nerdy but slutty librarian-like glasses of yours. Every time you talk about community service, i just think about how I want to do a service to that ass and nutting on your face and lenses. (When/if you do, send us a video for the upcoming Personals Porn section.) To the bitches who numbers I get at parties or whatever, don’t fucking give me your numbers if you’re not going to respond the next day. That type of false hope ain’t cool =/ (Nah dude, you just weren’t worth remembering, that’s all.) To the freshman girl who threw up on her arm a couple weeks ago on the H bus after a night of partying: Thank you for the entertainment, and you are now my favorite freshman. Sorry kid who face planted in the grass, you are the runner up.
To the girls living above us, I really don’t enjoy solving the physics problem you create every evening when you try to stuff 9 cars into a 4-car driveway. I work two jobs to pay my rent to have the luxury of that driveway. Cumrags like you ruin it. If you have one of your douchebag boyfriends park at some odd angle in that driveway again, I’m taking down all your license plate #s and having my cop dad write you tickets. Stop operating our shared driveway like your own personal vagina, don’t shove whatever you want up in it, expecting everything to come out fine. To the guy that lives in the room directly below me, you are a fucking weirdo. Straight up bro. You think you’re cool blasting dubstep versions of stuff like the pokemon theme song....you’re not, you’re just fucking annoying. And stop acting like you bang chicks all the time. I bet you got a two-inch dick anyway. (You didn’t know that girls go moist at the sound of dubstep Charmander? You have much to learn, young padawan.) To the linemen of the New York Jets: you all fucking SUCK! Watching you blow that game was (And I don’t get how hard it like watching my mom is for you to send us something remotely amusing.) blow the pizza guy THE NEXT MEDIUM POW-WOW WILL OCCUR TONIGHT AT 8:00 PM AT THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER IN ROOM 118. ACTIVITIES WILL INCLUDE A CLASS IN CROCHETING, MIDGET-TOSSING AND A HUMAN PETTING ZOO FEATURING THE ENTIRE EDITORIAL BOARD. SERIOUSLY, YOU WON’T WANT TO MISS THIS THE FEATURES EDITOR HAS A REALLY NASTY BITE.
(I bet faceplant kid is crying himself to sleep right now, knowing he’s no longer your favorite freshman. Oh, the agony of demotion!!!!!)
To the drunken bro who shouts “Hey Tony Hawk!” every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night when he sees me skateboarding around Easton. You’re right, okay. I am Tony Hawk. Please stop shouting it when I ride by your drunken ass or other people might get super smart like you and start asking for my autograph. Thanks bro! Have fun licking your friends’ nuts and maybe you’ll have a video game out soon too. (As someone who formerly traversed Rutgers by the means of skateboard/longboard, I can totally relate. Ususally just one swing of the board to the head shuts the pricks up. Just don’t get owned on the curb and look like a dipshit yourself, because if I see it I will kaugh at you.) Why isn’t your short, snappy personal here? Because you didn’t send us one, dipshit.
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA
Ok, this week you people, frankly, really let us down. Our inbox was pathetically empty. Those of you who actually took the fucking time to submit shit, THANKS, YOU RULE! Those of you who thought about submitting but didn’t, grow some balls/breasts and send us something. Those of you who read this page and don’t think about submitting, you’re pathetic leeches. TheMedium.Personals@gmail.com. Learn it, save it, love it, fill it up. One more week like this and I’m bringing back the pictures of elephants taking shits. On the other hand, I saw considerably less piss on the Scott Hall toilet seats this week :-). So at least some of you assholes read this crap. ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor To the girl whining about To the girl on Douglass her bad hookup at the who lives above me; RSC on Sunday night: While I do appreciate the how does someone kiss fact that you no longer like a bird? How about fucking STOMP around a demonstration some- in your heels, I think me, time? ;-) and everyone else in my (The only thing I could apartment Friday night think of is he tried to peck around 1 in the morning at you with his nose like a knew that you were getwoodpecker. Or he had a ting raped by a fucking small penis that he tried elephant and lil John that to facefuck you with and night.... missed.) To the Asian chick at the TO EVERYONE WITH Scott Hall bus stop last MICHAEL VICK ON Thursday with the reTHEIR FANTASY TEAM: ally short orange dress; H AH A H A H A H A H A - You looked like a drunkH AH A H A H A H A H A - en skank pumpkin. The H A H A H A H A H A H A grass all over your ass didn’t help either. SUCKERS!!!! PERS-ANALS POLL, BIOTCH!
Why is this man so upset? A: He just lost $1 million on a flash trade B: He just discovered his penis...and doesn’t like what he sees. C: He’s Asian...and doesn’t want to be anymore D: His wife just left him for a Swiss bodybuilder named Fabio E: He’s sad that you didn’t submit anything to the Personals page this week Answers to TheMedium.Personals@gmail.com
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, September 28th, 2011
“Oh you touch my Tra La La”
A NICE LITTLE ITEM FIND FOR YOU
Things to find:
NOT UNSEEABLE
1. Fork
2. Dr. Mario Pill
A MAZE DIVERSION A shoddy, hand-drawn maze Solve it, I challenge you to.
3. Bird Head 4. Enormous Light-Dildo 5. Five 6. Ohio State’s pride By: Morgan Freeman
You have seen this picture and now you cannot unsee it. Sorry.
THINGS THAT AREN’T REAL BUT SHOULD BE
SUPER FAST & EZ MUSCLES
• EVERYONE WOULD LOOK BETTER! • IF IT’S DESIRED WHY SHOULDN’T IT BE EASY? • MORE MUSCLES=MORE USEFUL TO SOCIETY • THE MORE MUSCLE YOU HAVE THE SMARTER YOU ARE • MUSCLESSSSSSSSSGLASSES
Easy Healthy Ways to lose Weight! • EVERYONE WOULD LOOK BETTER! • IF IT’S DESIRED WHY SHOULDN’T IT BE EASY? • LESS FAT=MORE USEFUL TO SOCIETY • THE SKINNIER YOU ARE THE SMARTER YOU ARE! FACT!
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW
As Reviewed By: Thomas Cianci Horrible Crowes - Elsie After listening to the Horrible Crowes’ debut release, Elsie, the side project of the Gaslight Anthem frontman Brian Fallon, I find it difficult to argue against the fact that Fallon is our modern day Bruce Springsteen. To be quite honest, there is not much to not like on the album. Some fans were worried Fallon would stray away from what Gaslight fans are used to, which for sure is certainly the case, but people should not panic at the first sign of change. Fallon takes rewarding risks his fans and new listeners are sure to enjoy. ‘Behold the Hurricane,’ the first single off the album, is the song most reminiscent of what Gaslight fans are familiar with, but the track that has the potential to be the biggest hit is ‘Black Betty & the Moon.’ That does not mean that the other songs are on a different level by any means, because I personally do not think this album has one weak track. It is a must listen all the way through, and definitely is one of the best albums of 2011. On the record Fallon takes his vocals and passion to levels he never has before, as seen in tracks like ‘Mary Ann,’ and ‘Go Tell Everybody.’ Fallon shows off how talented of a songwriter he is in my two personal favorites, ‘Sugar,’ and ‘Ladykiller.’ Fallon reaches new heights on Elsie, and one could even make the argument this is Fallon’s best release. Just close your eyes and pick a song. You can do no wrong. Steve Buscemi will continue to watch you forever, FOREVERRRR!