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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLII Issue II
50¢
SEPTEMBER 21st, 2011
MMMM....FOOD
STUDENT WITH MEAL PLAN GIVES BIRTH TO FOOD BABY
BY EVERYDAY I'M TRUFFLIN' NEWS EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE— It was the start to another ordinary day for Rutgers Senior Eric Huggin. He had just taken the LX back from his Police class when his stomach began to grumble. He thought it was just dining hall food passing through him, like it had done for the past three years. A week had past and he was still grumbling, and he became increasingly worried. “Normally New Tillet passes through me in two days, at most,” Eric recalled. “But it was getting uncomfortable going to class every day and have everyone looking at you while your stomach made gargling noises." After visiting a physician at a Wal-Mart clinic, he found out to his delight he was pregnant with a food baby! Said Huggin, “Words can’t explain how happy I am to re-
NEWS QUICKIES
Gateway project aborted due to student concerns
"They couldn't have told us this earlier,"asked head architect James Curtis. "I spent 4 years designing the parking deck and another 2 weeks on the building itself. What a waste."
Elderly Woman Makes Typo; Subscribes To Nut-flix
BURGER ON BOARD
An added bonus: the placenta will taste like ketchup!
ceive such a glorious gift!" The delivery was three hours later and the baby was delivered by a McDonald’s employee. The food baby weighed 2 lbs. 3 oz. (without lettuce and tomato), and came with Eggs, Taylor Ham, Hash Browns, and French Toast, all wrapped in
a Italian roll and topped with French Fries. When asked about a name, Eric happily proclaimed, “Chunk! Most definitely Chunk! A Fat Chuck would make a perfect meal for any time of the day. it probably could use some BBQ sauce though. I can’t wait to have it for dinner!”
"My son told me it would be a great way to spend the weekends with my husband"
Medium Writer "Its not what it used to be" "It used to be all penises and boobies, and I'd get girls numbers all the time. Now that we actually write stuff I havn't gotten shit. "
TRANSPORTATION
NEWS IN PICTURES
Man misinterprets girlfriend's Parking And Transportation To Subsidize Hitchhiking Program request to 'eat out' BY DR. K MANAGING EDITOR
Stephen Ronaldo, 39, was arrested for lewd and lavacious conduct, but not before enjoying a shrimp cocktail and complimentary bread basket.
Rutgers Division of Parking and Transportation recently launched a new initiative to resolve complaints regarding the crowding on its intercampus bus routes. The new program, HitchTran, enables students to hitchhike from campus to campus to avoid crowding the buses. Students are able to log into a website, and print a sign for the campus they would like a ride to. After taping this to scrap cardboard, they can wait in designated areas on campus to await a ride. The most popular areas as of now are College Hall bus stop and Campbell Hall due to their proximity to Route 18. “We’ve tried just about everything,” said a distressed Jack
Touche!
ESTABLISHED 1970
Molenaar. “We bought more buses, created more parking options, and even purchased 10 brand new bikes state of the art bikes to start a bike rental program. There’s nothing more we can do.” The program has received mixed reviews from students around campus. “I spent 20 minutes on the corner near route 18 and George Street trying to hitch a ride to Livingston to see my boyfriend,” complained SAS freshman Allyson Morgan. “When I finally got into a car, I realized that the driver was not even a Rutgers student, and he refused to drop me off until I blew him. After that, there was no point in going to see my boyfriend anymore.” “It’s a good deal, I think,” Continued on Page 2
NEWS
the Medium
Wednesday, September 21th, 2011
“The Sorting Hat said Amy's in Hufflepuff. No way around it.”
MORE FOOD
Study finds food porn gives people unrealistic expectations about food BY MOUSHIE ARTS EDITOR
SO HOW'S THE WEATHER?
Friends Meet Up, Find Trouble Starting Conversation BY KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
RICHARDSON ST.—Even the best of friends can sometimes find difficulty with communication from time to time as proven by SAS Sophomores Jared Whitley and Derek Grant. The duo met up at the corner of Richardson St. and College Ave. Yesterday for the second day straight but found nothing to converse over. “I was on my way to the library to begin research for my Cold War project when I ran into Derek,” said Whitley. Whitley and Grant have been friends since they first met at Sayreville War Memorial High School in 2006. Despite being friends for such an extended period of time,
they had little to say to each other. “I saw him (Whitley) Monday too. It was weird; we had already covered everything that happened over the weekend. I really had nothing new to say to him so I just burped and gave an awkward grin,” said Grant. Surprisingly, this isn’t an isolated incident. Last Friday, Becca Robinson and her BFF Jordyn Little were unable to make conversation as well. Their roommates each believe this is due to a higher rate of contact between the two. “I really hope I don’t run into him again tomorrow…then I’ll really have nothing to say to him. College sucks.” said Grant.
HITCHHIKING
house for parties so they can ...continued from front take rides all over me. I don’t see any problems with that.” said RBS senior Anthony MariThe trial of this program no. “I get to offer hot freshmen will resume until the second biddies rides all over campus. week of October when students Then I can invite them to my stop attending classes.
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
A recent study found that frequent watchers of food porn have unrealistic and unobtainable ideas about the act of and the pleasuribility of eating food. It suggests that those who watch the Food Network more than 10 hours a week or spend an equal amount of time reading blogs directed at gourmets are overall less likely to find satisfaction in eating real food. Respondants for the study were asked to look at an idealized image of a prepared meal and rate the attractiveness of the food. The respondants were then given a normal, ungarnished, non-gourmet meal and asked to rate their satisfaction. The study found that the higher respondants rated the attractiveness of the images, the less likely they were to report satisfaction eating the meal. This suggests that the disappointment in real food was caused by viewing the foodpornographic images. The television programs and websites dedicated to depicting idealized images of food feature high definition pictures and video of ingredients, chefs manipulating the ingredients, as well as a large emphasis on the prepared dishes. Most websites and programs are presented under the guise of presenting a rec-
ipe that the viewer is supposed to prepare themselves at home. "The food is often heavily garnished with exotic and expensive ingredients that are just not available in most grocery stores," said head researcher, Travis Rudabaker. "How is a normal cheeseburger from a chain restaurant supposed to compete with the image of a grass-fed beef patty on a handmade bun topped with an artisan gruyere from a family owned farm in Vermont?" Watler Rubarb, one of the respondents from the study, commented "If Food Network were just the camera slowly panning over food for every single program, that would be on my TV all day." He continued, "Sometimes I just look at a package of raw meat and imagine all the things that Giada DeLaurentis or Ina Garten could do to it.. the spices, the garnishes, the sauces... oh, the sauces. But even if I end up buying that package of meat, it'll just sit in my freezer while I spend all my time browsing FoodGawker with my pants off." This study gives legitimacy to anti-food porn lobbyists who are pushing for legislation regarding limiting access to televised food porn during daytime hours as well as making food porn website domains end with ".mmm" rather than ".com".
I was going to fill this space with the new Scarlett Johansson pics... ...but I'm going to put our email here instead. You will probably like this more. themedium.news@gmail.com
News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis IV Dave Imbriaco
What’s Shakin Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche I want it...
Phillip Li Steve Troulis IV Blumpkin Kid Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw ...that way!
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. On a serious note, this issue is dedicated to Lauren Felton. A girl who stole more from Brower than I could eat in a year.
FEATURES
Wednesday, September 21st, 2011
“Amy = Hufflepuff”
CELEBRITIES
STUDENT
profile
the Medium
CUTE THING OF WEEK
SAD THING OF WEEK
Benny the Dolphin became the first porpoise in captivity to learn how to ice skate. Sea World plans to freeze over his pool in the coming months and profit immensely off his talent.
Blondi, a.k.a. Adolf Hitler’s dog, was given a “suicide pill” to test its potency before Hitler himself was to use it. The dog died as a result. Her entire litter of puppies were shot as well.
HOBBIES
EXTRA BLOGGAGE
Brittany Carballo-Ramos
She’s Pretty (Awesome) Her name is pretty long, just like her list of things-to-do. When she’s not on one of her photoshoots around campus you can find Brittany back at her apartment caring for her twin albino kangaroos. Someone once put a tomato in her salad resulting in an ass-kicking. She is an eighth degree blackbelt, but only if it’s from Pac Sun. In addition, she’s been known to go on dates with journalists just to get her name and image in the newspaper.
ONE WEEK AGO TODAY...
2011 A.D.
Last week, The Medium published their first issue of the semester. It was distributed across Rutgers University - New Brunswick at your local dining halls and student centers. In addition, 48 of those papers were taken and used as firewood by a
nearby hobo. This week another 3,500 papers will be distributed for your viewing pleasure. Please be sure to not use them as toilet paper, firewood, or umbrellas. We promise that we’re funny. You should also come to our next meeting on Busch Campus at the Student Center, 116B, 8 p.m.
BAKED COOKING with Supa Krupa Troopa
Do you love mozzarella sticks? Of course you do! What kind of freak doesn’t? Anyway, if you love mozzarella sticks and you’re trying to get fucked up, try this awesome recipe!
FINE DINING
KRUPA with The
SCOOP-A
The new dining hall on Livingston isn’t the only thing students have been buzzing about lately! Here’s a bit of news that might even give you a slight buzz: Due to popular demand, the dining halls here at Rutgers are now B.Y.O.B! Aspirations to get a liquor license for Rutgers were shut down out of fear that students would be getting roofied left and right. However, now you can at least bring your own alcoholic beverages to the dining hall thanks to the hard work of many Rutgers organizations such as RUSA and RUPA (those idiots who brought you Snooki for $32k). Hopefully, now the food on every campus will be a little easier to swallow. “Eating dining hall food sober is like getting trampled by an elephant. Now I can at least chug a beer before my meals to drown out the awful taste,” said Sophomore Sri Harathi, “I mean, the food at Brower is a near death experience.” It looks like students might have to take a couple extra shots to swallow the food at Brower which also means that kids on
College Ave will be more intoxicated than usual. On a positive note, now you can have that fancy, Italian wine with your cookto-order pasta or that Margarita with your Mexican food and if you’ve really got balls, might as well pour some beer in your cereal. And don’t worry, if the dining hall staff tries to card you as you walk in, just give them a sip of your alcohol. They’ll do almost anything when they are drunk. Junior Denur Novick says, “Now I can finally take that foxy lunch lady on a romantic date to Neilson! Hopefully, I can get her drunk enough to come home with me.” But hey, after a jager bomb, you too might be turned on by green polos and hairnets. Who’s judging? -Supa Krupa Troopa
RUTGERS DINING HALLS CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ALCOHOL POISONING OR ANY STOMACHS THAT NEED TO BE PUMPED.
Ingredients: d moz20 prepackage zarella sticks bis 1½ cups canna cooking oil 1 cup of flour ble oil 1½ cups vegeta dients: Optional Ingre crumbs 1½ cups bread ozza16-ounces of m icks rella cut into st 4 beaten eggs 1 teaspoon salt per 1 teaspoon pep Step 1- F r rella stick y 5 mozzas in the h eated cannabis oil Step 2- F ry the oth er 15 in the heated veg etable
The 5 cannabis oil fried mozzarella sticks are meant to fuck you up and the other 15 fried in vegetable oil are for the munchies later. If you really feel like being Emeril Lagasse, by all means, use the other things listed under optional ingredients and make homemade mozzarella sticks. You’re going to have to look that recipe up yourself... my job is to give you a recipe that makes you higher than an airplane roaring above Mount Everest, not one that prepares you to be a contestant chef on Chopped.
GOING INSHANE With Sha-NayNay
When things don’t go my way, I’m not a very happy person. All I wanna do is have some fun. I gotta feeling I’m not the only one. And let me tell you this, last Monday could’ve been a lot better. The worst possible thing happened to me and I won’t lie, I cried for a while. Let me start my tale of tears by saying that employees of any establishment have a duty to ensure that their customers are satisfied! But apparently, the Wawa in Milltown, N.J. doesn’t know that. In case my readers don’t know, Wawa has the greatest smoothies and meatball subs known to man. I was craving one them sooo bad! Result: I ordered a strawberry smoothie with whip cream and a 10 inch meatball sub (uncut).
But what did those lowlife, scumbag, douchebags do? They cut it in half! Dubya-teeefff mannnn!??!? As if it’s bad enough our society needs a computer screen to communicate with the deli clerks...they can’t even read it correctly! How much clearer did I have to make it? I didn’t want my beautiful 10 inch hoagie being reduced to some brown-bag piece of shit. To make things worse, it’s allergy season and I couldn’t even enjoy the sub with my windows down (Insert sigh here). Well, it’s over now and I’m still alive but the pain remains!
OP/ED
the Medium
“That’s perfect! And sort of macabre...”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
I Hope I Get Depressed Soon So I Can Write Something Brilliant BY TINA MATHERS
Since I was little, I have always wanted to be a writer. But before I can do that, my life needs to be struck by a random, devastating, lifealtering disaster so that I can use it as inspiration to write horrifyingly beautiful works of fiction. Name any famous writer you can think, and they were probably depressed. Hemingway was an alcoholic, Edgar Allen Poe was severely unstable, Sylvia Plath killed herself, the list goes on. Before I can add my name to that list, my life has to take a turn for the worse. I love my family, and I love going outside and being active, and hanging out with my friends. That hardly sounds like the life of a tortured artist who
Wednesday, September 21st, 2011
encapsulates all of the world’s hidden truths in the written word. If all of my friends stopped talking to me, that would be bad, but then I think of how depressed I would get. I would finally
“Once I hit rock bottom after putting the finishing touches on my novel...”
stop being motivated to go out and do something fun, and instead spend all day in a dark room hunched over a typewriter, creating haunting imagery from the deep recesses of my darkened soul. If I suddenly lost everything I had, I would finally be
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
Why Is That Guy in His Car Looking At Me? BY PAUL JAMES
I can’t figure out why but every time I try and pass this guy he’s already making eye contact. What the fuck man? He’s so creepy. Keep your eyes on the road, asshole. You’re gonna end up putting more dents in that old Toyota. How many paint chips can you have before the car is just rust colored? What a jag. Is he checking me out or something? Fucking homo. I knew I shouldn’t have shaved my head. I told my wife it made me look gay but she wouldn’t listen to me. Maybe he’s trying to get my attention or something. I wonder if my brake light is out. I always keep meaning to check it. Shit, maybe I’m leaking oil. The engine has been sounding kind of funny for a few miles. I could roll down the window and What - he’s looking at me again!
able to write without being distracted by all these wonderful things in my life that make me so fortunate. Once I hit rock bottom after putting the finishing touches on my novel, a publisher will pick up my writing and find it so hauntingly genius that they publish my work immediately. Why The Hell Is That Guy in Once I become a famous novelist, His Car Looking At Me? my Wikipedia page BY LOUIS WALTHER would tell of my I bless the rains down in Aaaaafrica! It’s gonna inspiring struggles. take some time to do the things we never - Goddamn, Under “Early Life,” what is wrong with that guy? I don’t give a shit, I’m it would say, “After gonna keep singing. I love this song, and I don’t care falling into a deep depression, Tina if he’s staring at me. Unless... Is there something wrong with my face? I mean, I Mathers began writthink I’m an ok looking guy. He doesn’t look too good, I don’t think ing her first novel, he can judge. Is he jealous of my hair? I bet he is. which went on to Hey, fuck you, guy. I’m not going to turn away as long as he become a best seller doesn’t. Pssh, of course he looks away first. He’s got that gay shaved that launched her head. Damn, he’s looking again. And now that verse is coming up writing career.” That that I can never remember. Now he’s gonna see me messing up all would be a pretty cool life story, just as the words. I’m gonna make the next U-turn and come back later. soon as something devastating ran- COMMENTARY domly happens to Bitches Ain’t Shit But Hos me.
Want a new email to remember? themedium.opinions@gmail.com Yeah, I’m pretty thrilled too. MIGHT AS WELL BE REAL ADVERTISEMENT
and Tricks
BY SIR EDWARD PHILINGTON IV
I s a y, there a r e times I long for the days of yore, whenst I might be able to converse with my fellow dapper gentlewoman and enjoy the pleasure of her company without finding myself lost in translation. Or at the least, find a dapper that is not a flapper’s father! Har har har, that was some jolly good raillery wasn’t it? Oh alas, I made a linguistic boner haven’t I? What!? No, no, no, no, boner means slight, or mistake, or in this instance a comment yielding puffs of the chest in amorous laughter at my expense! You see – this is just the way you whippersnappers
misconstrue my chivalrous intentions. Why just this last fortnight I was frequenting my favorite chap’s salon (that’s “reception room” for you young folk) when my handheld rota-
“Har har har, that was jolly good raillery wasn’t it?”
ry dial lit up and a young flapper I had met indicated to me a desire for passionate fisticuffs. I immediately departed for her quarters, and upon arrival announced my intention to, in her words, “rock her world,” adding that she would never experience anything of the sort for all her days.
I shall skip over the elaborate details (though safe to say twas like two grizzlies fighting over salmon), but upon departing, whilst I declared my resolve to return, the young lass, in lofty tones, said thusly “Um, like, you’re like, great and all, but like, yea… This is just this one time thing, like, I just, like…” I could have struck her on the spot with my trusted oak wood (cane is what I’m told to say these days)! For I never indicated my desire for relationship and everlasting love, simply I had enjoyed the company and time! But alas, I remembered the wise words of a good chap: “Bitches ain’t shit.”
ARTS
Wednesday, September 21st, 2011
“She’s not laughing because you said something funny, that laugh means she’s lost touch with reality.”
the Medium
COMICS
GRAFFITI
Location: Busch/College Ave bike path
MOVIE REVIEW
Drive
critique of this film so far is that in the poster, Ryan Gosreviewed by KCIG arts editor ling’s hand should maybe be I haven’t actually seen about 4 inches lower, but I Drive yet, but damn, it looks don’t mind totally because the good. I guess it has something leather gloves kind of make up to do with cars or whatever, for it. but just something about this poster makes it seem... very much worth seeing. My only
PERSONALS
the Medium SAMMICHES
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
“You Gonna Eat That Stapler?”
ANAL BUM COVER
WEIRD STUFF
my sexy pre- To my fat booty call JewTo all biddies wear- To ing yoga pants or leg- calc TA; your Span- ish girl: I don't want to gings around campus: ish accent makes me bang you anymore. Stop You're a texting me leave me and thanks for making my nervous. hottie even though I can't my "huge zayin" alone. $20k worthwhile here (note to fat bitches– half understand what (He must be tired of smelldon’t copy the biddies you're saying... ing your gefilte fish.....) cause you’ll just seem (TENGO GUSTO DEL fatter) QUESO!!!!!!!) To the kid on my floor (Shall we revisit the former To the women laughing who was showing the top news article “Fat bitch alone with salad: STOP dorm his new "bitchin" needs crane to be pulled out IT! There's nothing funny demo, you rap like a busted vagina. I'd rather of jeggings”?) about being so goddamn chew glass and wash it anorexic your bones poke down with kerosene than To the girl who took the out! Get in the kitchen last egg sandwich that and make a SAMMICH! listen to another minute of your music. one time at the dining hall: WTF. I mean seri- (Would you be happier if she (Im actually curious as ously. Every morning I was gorging herself on pig to what a busted vagina look forward to having intestine and head cheese? sounds like, but not inone of those delicious I didnt think so. Also have trigued enough to actually cholesterol filled pieces her make me a sandwich give a fuck) of heaven and you had to too. Im fucking starving To the manly girl in my be the person in front of over here.) me. I don’t want any of To the kid who rides his class: do you think sitting the other breakfast food. bike with the engine on in the middle of a 60+ Now what am I supposed cook. excellent idea, just student class that nobody would see your disgustto eat? OATMEAL? What not at 9am ing self pick your nose? am I a baby? Thanks to (Your moped privilages How about roll your you my day just got a lithave been suspended) boogers and then flick it? tle less egg-citing. You are repulsive and it To the white dude at the wouldn't surprise me if (Very punny. But is an egg Tillet urinal; stop trying you were a single, lonely, sandwich that amazing that look at my junk bro, and depressed bitch. your day was completely really. ruined? Put some porkroll (Um, that was actually me, and ketchup on that bitch. (Admit it, you enjoyed the I’m not a manly girl but a Now thats a fucking sand- attention you sick pathetic girly man. Also that was fuck) wich) not a booger, it was a french fry I stored in my nose. FUCKING APLS Suck my dick you insignificunt.)
What’s on this Dog’s Mind? A) APLS APLS APLS APLS APLS APLS, HEY GUESS WHAT? APLS!!!! B) Is the guy holding the apples really using a rotary cell phone? C) IMA FIRIN MAH LAZERS!!!! D) You are going to do what with that ketchup bottle? E) Why aren’t you submitting to the personals?
FROM THE GODDAMN EDITOR After reading through the submitted personals for the week, I’ve realized several things. First, most students are completely inept and I cannot actually fathom how many of you got this far in life without forgetting how to breathe. But the rest ofyou are alright. If you have any question about which group you fit in with then you are probably dead ass wrong. Anyway, we have taken the time to read through your angry thoughts about literally nothing. Seriously who bitches about this kinda stuff? Wheres the juicy crap about the hobos that crawl around in the rafters of your dorm building? No use denying their existence. They are there and watching you sleep and perform unspeakable acts. They also watch you when you submit to the personals so just fucking do it already and appease them.
Submit to: themedium.personals@gmail.com RUINED CHILDHOOD
Girl who works at the (Not exactly sure how this is a personal but somebody subcomputer lab with the fat mitted it, soooooo yeahhhhh!) ass: you looked so good changing the toner on So I was sitting in class To all the Unicycle riding that printer. The way you the other day and I had kids. There should only insert paper into the tray an epiphany. Ron Jere- be one. The more of you makes me sweat. I've nev- my’s dick is big for a rea- there are the less cool er seen a cleaner monitor, son. He is fat and ugly. you exponentially get, Perhaps, just perhaps, all just a warning to you. than the one you wiped, and made that booty jig- fat and ugly people have To the foreigner who congle. Please play with my extrenuously long dicks? tinues to leave their tooth3 1/2 inch floppy brush and Asian tooth(Not even touching that paste in the 2nd floor (If all you have to offer is one.........) bathroom, if that shit is a 3 1/2 floppy go the fuck still there next week, I'm home. She wants the in- (Thats what she said) going to pee on it. sertion power of a memory Dear Criminal justice stick just for pleasure) professor - you are so (He’s about to go all R Kelly on your toothpaste mothTo the frats at the in- sexy. I love the way you volvement fair, ask me if laugh every two minutes erfucker. Also what makes I?m interested in greek at your own jokes. That toothpaste Asian? Buy some fucking colgate already.) life one more time and skirt you wore the other I?ll shove a goat up your day looked great. Why To guys who wear pink: ass. do you have a boyfriend? You dont look cool. You Dear guy who does this dont even look gay. You page: as you read this, (Creepin creepin creepin) look incredibly fucking I'm out and about, getstupid. ting To the guy behind me things, doing stuff, in brower take out, stop (You know what they say shucking and jiving, be- standing so fucking close about guys who wear pink... They dont know how to do ing creepy; like a boss. to me! Its really fucking laundry correctly. What the (Good to hear we have a To the people who read fuck did you think i was gofunctioning member of so- the medium- We <3 U ing to say?) ciety among us...I think?)
Wednesday, September 21th, 2011
PERSONALS
the Medium
“He’s the grapist, he grapes kids in the mouth!”
SUBMISSIONZ!
To the girl at the RSC who was worried that her hair looked stupid: yes, it totally did. In fact, the entire of you looks stupid. You have a stupid looking face, stupid sorostitute letters on your stupid chest, and a stupid, flat ass. To the short Greek girl that somehow finds her way into all of my English classes, you do not have to raise your hand at every single opportunity to speak. Your words are like daggers with bombs attached to them that stab into my eyes then explode my brain to shit. I downloaded the shotgun app on my phone just to use it whenever you talk but I can’t because there’s no setting to turn off the noise. You are hands down worse than everyone else being complained about in the personals combined. Please go stand on a fault line and await the next earthquake. Dear straight dude in a gender studies class, go fist yourself without lube you nascar loving piece of dog shit (Take it from me, being the straight guy in a gender studies class is a blessing. Don’t be hatin’, unless he really does like NASCAR then I charge you with puttting your fist in his face.)
To all the girls on my floor who screamed “I’M NOT A WHORE!” last night...yes, you actually are all whores. Each and every one of you. (Kool, send them our way! We wore our old ones out at last week’s meeting.) To the Indian motherfuckers who stand so goddamn close to me on the bus, YOU ALL FUCKING SMELL LIKE B.O. THERE’S THIS THING CALLED DEODORANT. FUCKING USE IT. I’m writing to the two ghetto lesbians at the George Street gas station a few weeks ago. It was hilarious hearing you girls argue about your relationship in the same tone you might argue about a bad drug deal. Also to the one lesbian, you should really have told your parents about your girlfriend. I can see why she was so pissed at you.
FUCK THA PO-LICE
To the cop who felt the need to turn his lights and siren on at the SUV at the Scott Hall crosswalk on Thursday: seriously, fuck you. It’s a CROSSWALK, people are supposed to be walking in it, and the car in front of you was simply doing what was logical - not running people over despite probably being in a hurry to get somewhere. You turning on your lights and sirens to try and get them to run us over only made you look like a complete, total asshole with a complex. I’m sure that those stoners whose lives you were in such a hurry to ruin could’ve waited another 30 seconds for people to finish crossing. Pigs like you are the reason why no one trusts RUPD or cops in general. I hope Bubbah rapes your selfrighteous, self-important cornhole. To the State of NJ: in 13 more months I will no longer be a criminal. Fuck you very much for making me wait this long to get a real job because you hate weed.
MOOOOOO?
To my bitchass roommate: can you please stop chewing like a fucking cow? I have to wake up to the sound of you chomping down on food every morning. Honestly, how much can you possibly fit in those rolls you have going on your stomach? And then you go to the gym..and come back and eat...AGAIN. And for gods sake, put on some deodorant. To my roommate, please do me a favor and sleep with a shirt on. No offense but I don’t want to wake up to seeing you topless . . . this isn’t Real World Cancun. (Well you’re no fun.)
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA
Thanks to everyone who submitted to the Personals page this week! As you probably noticed, this page is MUCH funnier when you people write it instead of us. So keep those personals coming in like a male porn star and this will be a great page every week! In light of this, I have a bone to pick with the men of Rutgers... Do you all have some kind of aversion to lifting the fucking seat up before you piss? I know it may come as a surprise to some of you but on occasion I need to take a massive shit on campus and when I venture into a stall to relieve myself and I go into a fit of rage when I see that the seat is completely covered in someone else’s piss. Seriously, your aim isn’t that good. The next time I catch one of you pricks pissing on the seat I will shove your head in the toilet bowl and shit in your mouth while you lick my asscrack clean. ~Satanic Yoda, Senior Personals Editor
GIBBERISH
To the dumbass middleaged man in my GeoTo the bitches in who matics class, it’s people creep on my neighbors. like you that 1) make me When you knock on the thankful to be educated door trying to flirt with at a young age, but, 2) them, I hope you real- make me question the qualifications/ ize that they are in the entry validity of my educaroom but they chose not to open the door because tion. Please stop asking you are annoying as fuck. retarded questions and To sum dum joo. Our take some notes parties on Suydam were (You think it’s bad now? not skanky. IM A GOD Just wait until you’re a grad DAMN LEGEND! YOU student. They come out of the woodwork like termites IDIOT!! IDIOT!! on crystal meth.) To all you stupid fucking freshmen: what don’t you understand about the “don’t get on the bus till everyone gets off” convention? It’s not that difficult. Maybe you’ll figure that out just in time for you to drop the fuck out of here because of your lack of a brain.
HSIREBBIG
To all the faggot senior guys. Life’s hard enough as a freshman guy. I gotta beg 7 fucking girls to come with me just to get into ur gay ass party and u always tell me the wrong directions but holy shit stop taking all the freshman girls. UR fucking 4 to five years older then them. Thats barely legal u pedophile. Just cause ur too much of a fag to get a girl ur own age or even three years younger then doesnt mean its okay to get with a girl that was 14 when ur graduated high school. Go have fun with living in ur parents basement ur life. Love seriously pissed off freshman guy. (I want to agree with you but your command of the English language makes it impossible for me to take you seriously.)
(Get used to it, kid. I’ve been here for 5 years now and it Dear Jeans, Get over your seems that the Freshman get Asian girlfriend, blondes dumber every year.) do it better. Love, More To the girl who keep Cushion for the Pushin making noises in my Ital- (With a signature like ian Culture Class. First “More Cushion for the you gasp for the whole Pushin” you have no right class when you heard St. to say any group you identiFEED ME BRAINS PERSONALS!!!!!! Peter and Paul were exe- fy with “does it better” than and now you made any other.) THEMEDIUM.PERSONALS@GMAIL cuted a small groaning noise in To the guy with glasses DOT COM OMNOMNOMNOMNOM the beginning of class. If in my educational psych you are who I think it is class: you have a secret To the stupid girls with To every attractive, ath- you’re pretty hot, but this admierer in our class. I’m goddamn feathers in letic black male on cam- is Italian Culture, since serious, I overheard her their hair. It looks like a pus; come and find me ;) I’m pretty sure you’re saying she thinks you’re bird fucking built a nest (So I’m guessing you’re 1) Christian, YOU SHOULD cute and she’ll probably in that shit you call hair. fat, 2) white and 3) have a KNOW THIS ALREADY. kill me for putting this in (Imagine if they really had vagina resembling the Lin- It is sad, but that was just here. You owe me, biguncalled for. shit for hair. Like, putting coln Tunnel?) time. shit through a spaghetti Who the fuck makes a (So much potential there, about to watch bang bros in maker and sticking it to laundry room with 3 dry- and so little funny. Epic fail the RSC their head. They’d be real ers and 6 washers, my dude.) shit heads, teehee!) clothes smell like ass. THE NEXT MEDIUM ORGY IS TOTo everyone in the RSC (Maybe you should shower NIGHT IN ROOM 116B AT THE computer lab on Sunday more often and your clothes night: safety WON’T smell like ass.) BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER AT 8:00
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Wednesday, September 21st, 2011
“Amy Belongs in Hufflepuff”
WELCOME TO THE BACK PAGE WHERE ALL BEER IS FREE<3 A DIVERSION FOR YOU
PEOPLE WHO INSPIRE ME
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Batman is an inspiration for many out there besides me, but it is important to figure out why this prominent figure of history is so inspirational. Batman is just like any one of us in the world. A man with lots of money and first world problems. I can easily associate with him in this fashion. One of the biggest problems I have is my excess money and how to spend it. Batman shows me that buying random gadgets and excessively large tank cars can be a great way to sink the money I cannot use. No one actually wants to donate to charity and I’m happy that Batman has given me a better alternative than the above. Thank you batman, for letting me splurge instead of saving the poor. You’re number one.
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THINGS THAT AREN’T REAL BUT SHOULD BE
GOD
• Who would not want an all powerful being watching over them? • Knowing you are not doomed to oblivion after death. • No reason he shouldn’t exist right? • Assuming it is Judeo-Christian as the picture depicts, would solve a lot of fucking debates.
• Much more probable than an all powerful being. • Provides comfort and support to youngsters . • We need more things in the world that go RAWR
REPTAR
THINGS GOING ON THIS WEEK AT RUTGERS
1.
Free Lunch and Costly Bible Study!
This is happening on Thursday at the Trinity House between the hours of 12pm and 1:30pm! Come spend money and discover God in ways you’ve done before!
2. Tonight! 8:00 pm! Medium Meeting! Come see us and talk to us. We get lonely really easily and we starve for attention. Our parents didn’t love us when we were little. Please be our salvation. At the Busch Campus Center, room 116B! 3. MEET PORNSTARS! 7:00pm Friday! Meet pornstars Jenna Haze and Sasha Grey on Friday at Scott Hall Room 218! They will be there until 9:00 so show up early for autographs and questions! They will be telling us about their new adult film, “TIT-tanic.”
PLEASE TALK TO ME. ASK ME THINGS. TELL ME THINGS. ALL AT THEMEDIUM.SHAKIN@GMAIL.COM IF I RECEIVE LESS THAN 15 SUBMISSIONS THIS WEEKEND I WILL THROW A RECYCLABLE BOTTLE INTO THE GARBAGE FOR EVERY EMAIL UNDER 15
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW By: Sarah Morrison The Real Nasty - Dirty Dollars This is the most aptly titled band I ever heard in my life. The Real Nasty doesn’t even begin to describe it... the first half of the album is dirty. Like, bad porno plot dirty. Like, borderline can’t play them dirty. Did you ever wonder what the band’s fetishes were? You know now. They all need to get laid. The other half of the album has all the typical country song markers-- from the “my baby stole my tow truck and ran over the neighbor’s pig” level of grieving to the occasional harmonica. Track 8 has some great blues-rock influenced guitar. The musicians are heavily influenced by bluegrass music, which makes for a cool sound. Head on down to Nashville, yee-ha!
Steve Buscemi’s Watching