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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xli Issue xxiV
50¢
April 27th, 2011
QUICKIES
SAFE-T
UNIVERSITY MOBILIZES NATIONAL GUARD FOR RUTGERS DAY
Obama Proves Birthers Wrong; Gives Birth to Healthy Baby Boy
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE—The University’s administration are taking nothing for granted as they have called upon Governor Christie to deploy the 21st New Jersey National Guard Armored Infantry unit to New Brunswick in anticipation of catastrophic destruction wrought by Rutgers Day. Learning their lesson from the lack of security achieved by only putting 40 more police officers on duty during the disastrous Rutgersfest event, the Board of Governors voted unanimously to activate a full fledged military force to ensure the safety of students. “The National Guard has been trained to handle this exact situation,” said Jim Howard, Chairman of the Board of Governors. “Well, this exact situation in a war-torn Middle Eastern nation but I mean, we should treat it the same way.” The 21st Armored is equipped with state of the art tactical weapons which include M-4 Carbine Rifles, 105mm self propelled Howitzer Cannons, advanced laser targeted smart cluster bombs, and 20 M-1 Abrams battle tanks. These tools are the most technologi-
Class discusses anything humanly possible to keep professor from covering more material before final
RED HAWK DOWN
A special task force will be employed to hunt down people wearing puffy vests.
cally advanced weapons available to any armed force in the world and the soldiers are well prepared to use them. Colonel Hank “Hawk” Martin, the 21st’s commanding officer, detailed a scenario in which the Armored Infantry would need a precise response. “Let’s say for example that a person is drunkenly yelling at another student on a porch. We would immediately deploy our MQ-1 Predator UAV to recon-
noiter the area. Then, Tactical Elements A, B and C will flank the offending student while Element D provides supporting fire from their HUMVEEs. It is at that point that the suspect will be painted with a laser, which allows for a precise deployment of a Tomahawk cruise missile that will neutralize any hostilities in the area. On to the next threat.”
Rutgers Group Institutes First "Casual Friday" for Charity "Fuck, who's actually participating in this?!" said junior Alex Greene as he stood in the middle of Voorhees Mall. "Everyone's in fucking casual wear. You there, did you sign up for casual...no. Damn. Excuse me, young woman in the ripped trash jeans!"
WEATHER TODAY Mold Spores! Everywhere! All eagerly flying up your nose!
Continued, “GUARD” page 2
EXPLORIN'
GEOGRAPHY DEPT. PLANS EXPEDITION TO COOK/DOUGLASS BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
LIVINGSTON—The Geography Department has made many journeys throughout the world, exploring places such as the icecaps of Greenland and the rainforests of Mexico. But this week they've decided to explore the most mysterious place ever, a land known only to outsiders as “Cooke/Douglase”. Nobody knows much about this void on the maps by Route 1. But as the years have passed, more and more are in complete wonderment about this area. The department is planning a long, long voyage of 10 min-
utes from home base in Lucy Stone to the Passion Puddle, stopping for a brief bite at the Park Deli or perhaps at Brower Commons. “The goal we have is simple," stated Department chair David Robinson, "We want to map every little detail, learning as much as we can about this area. Why are there no guys in the Douglass portion of campus? Why is there so much green space in Cook? And What the hell is the point of Corwin? “ The journey won't be one without danger. “We've heard rumors about the hazards in the
area, like 30 foot tall lesbians, flesh eating hicks, and smelly cows,” noted Professor John Stockton. "We’re not fearful though. Not after the Busch project. Despite hiring Engineers to protect us, we were attacked by Pharmacy Barbarians, killing two grad students. We don’t care though because they’re just grad students." Still, precautions have been made. The department has wrapped the very British professor everyone loves in bubble wrap to make sure nothing happens to him.
Summer is soon...
ESTABLISHED 1970
TOMORROW Tiny floral scented fireballs in your sinuses!
FRIDAY
Pollen covered bumblebee. Someone get the EpiPen and shoot me up now!
SATURDAY Get out of the flowers lady! Don't frolic in that which wishes to tear-gas your eyeballs!!
THE MEDIUM
NEWS "Nothin' like a good pun..."
Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
NEWS IN PICTURES
CLOPPIN' TO HEAVEN
FINAL RUTGERS COLLEGE STUDENT GRADUATES
Detective Sugarlumps, a member of the Mounted Patrol was killed in an ambush while trying to rescue several innocent school children from a crazed gun man. He will now be used by these same school children to make macaroni art.
Martin Van Heisman, admitted to Rutgers College in the Fall of 2004, finally recieved his BA in History after taking seven years to complete it. "I'm sad to finally go," said Van Heisman. "I was used to students mistaking me for a professor or TA and kissing my ass for no reason." His parents are also relieved, with their yearly expenditures related to Martin expected to decrease substantially. Van Heisman was able to break a clay pipe on the cannon and walk underneath the gate at Old Queens, albiet in an unorganized ceremony that only he attended.
BEING A PRINCESS
Biden Bummed to Miss the Cut for Royal Wedding Guest List BY TORGO VAN PELT STAFF WRITER
WASHINGTON— The Wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton has attracted large amounts of guests from all around the world. But there is one notable snub that is very hurtful: that of Vice President Joe Biden. “When he first heard of the wedding, he was very excited,” said Second Lady Jill Biden, “He would talk about the future couple all the time, at functions and meetings and at bed. He was really excited and really wanted to go.” Yet, reports have surfaced that the Vice President has been denied an invitation. He realized this after checking the mailbox for months upon months, and not getting an invite with the wedding just days away now. He at first was very upset, making gaffe-riddled curses at everyone in sight. Now, sources say he is just depressed, with one unnamed staffer saying that Biden told him that, "I spent so many hours watching again and again
Editorial Staff Spring 2011
F
that Luke and Laura wedding episode of General Hospital, but for nought!" Now, Biden has been acting depressed in general. “When presiding over the senate waiting for tiebraking votes that never come, he looks sad, he doesn’t have the same energy he did for such a meaningless occasion,” observed Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL), “I haven’t seen him like this in ages. I’m really worried about him.” A spokesman for the royal family denied that there was a snub, stating, “We assure that Mr. Biden is on our guest list, and we refuse to say otherwise. We just insist that he should keep checking the mail, and make sure he didn’t throw it out or anything with junk mail.” This response was followed by slight giggles. In the meantime, Biden has used the coffee machine which he bought for the couple as a gift when he first heard of the wedding currently as a doorstop to the Vice President’s washroom at the White House.
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender Joey Threlfall Tim Swanson
I'M FEELING LUCKY
School of Engineering Announces Program in "Search Engineering"
BY FRANK FUSCO CONTRIBUTING WRITER
BUSCH—Whenever one asks someone else for help, they inevitably say, “Google it.” Now Rutgers is saying the same thing. Starting Fall 2011, Rutgers will be offering the highly competitive Search Engineering degree as a joint program through SCI and the School of Engineering. All Search Engineers will be required to minor in Wikipedia. Dr. Penderghast says it is not scholarly, yet he cites Wikipedia articles in his lecture slides. For their first major project, to be completed by May of 2016, Dr. Penderghast along with the Honors Search Engineers will build a car that is powered by a Search Engine that has no moving parts. Penderghast hopes the car can clear a quarter-mile
in ten seconds, using not gasoline with nitrous oxide, but rather the power of electronic information searches. The car will have multiple wireless broad band receivers and a main computer that is cooled by liquid nitrogen for maximum processing speed. This Chrome-colored car will drive itself, navigating the streets by using Google Maps. The passengers will be able to check Gmail, Google Calendar, search for porn Google Scholar and anything else on the World Wide Web. It will be crucial to keep running searches on Google, since the energy of each search will power the car’s battery, and those annoying Google Ad-Words will subsidize the high cost of the vehicle, which is expected to top one million credits.
GUARD continued from front The activation of the National Guard will cost Rutgers approximately 2.3 million dollars per hour that will be deducted out of RUPA’s budget for special event programming. New BrunsNews Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
wick residents are reminded to not be outside at any point during Rutgers Day as the Armored Infantry has strict “shoot first, don’t ask questions, seduce coeds later” policy. Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Webmaster Secretary Douche Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Shane Whelan Steve Troulis Kenneth Brooks John Eberhardt Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to the guy who was offended that we used the word "dyke" in our last issue. Be lucky you weren't here to see the issues from the first half of this decade...
www.rutgersmedium.com
FEATURES
Wednesday, April 27, 2010
“Peace out mothafuckas”
THE MEDIUM
Dear Medium Readers, After 5 straight semesters of working for The Medium, this will be my last issue as I am graduating next month. I entered Rutgers back in ‘07 as a bright-eyed 18-year-old, ready to embark on a new adventure. Four long years later I’m leaving as a bitter, worn-out, misanthropic bitch. In my time here at Rutgers I’ve met a plethora of deranged individuals including a guy who could “see the future,” numerous rapists, a soulless misogynist with a fetish for running water, and a murderer. Despite all this, I will really miss working at The Medium. I started by submitting weekly drawings of classic cartoon characters fucking, and ended up as the Features Editor. But I kind of miss the good ol’ days, so I will leave you with this... Thanks for reading The Medium, you fuckers. Yours truly,
Russian Mail-Order Bride Features Editor
Memoirs of a Former Staff Member By Oliver Klozoff (Former Staff Member)
So let me begin by saying these have been the best years of my life. I love the time that I have spent here at Rutgers and the people here that I have been fortunate enough to meet. This place is nuts. I mean it’s out of control like Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen on a Wednesday. Rutgers is one big family, we can badmouth the shit out of it, but if you don’t come here and start talking shit be prepared for an ass whooping. This all being said, I’m leaving and now I have to let my family in on its fucked up faults and where it’s going wrong. In my time here I’ve noticed things starting to change and not for the better. Now aside from all the typical crap that goes on here, like the shenanigans with the budget and increased tuition prices there are pressing matter. Like the football team sucks again. Just kidding, they always suck and don’t matter. What really is getting concerning is the way that Rutgers is taking itself way too seriously and losing its “this is college, let’s have a good
time” attitude. I used to think that fraternities were full of nothing but overly horny, alcohol fueled douche bags, but this semester I got to know a few frats and realized that’s not true. They aren’t douche bags. I mean as much as many of you want to take a shit on these guys they provide a great service with their parties every week. The fact is most house parties blow dick, but almost every frat party has a good enough amount of chicks at them, and there is always plenty of booze. In a few years there may be a threat to this though. As it stands Rutgers has slowly chipped away at what made these places amazing in a way you won’t be able to appreciate. The university throws out probation to these places like Mr. Wick used to fire people on the Drew Carey show. Furthermore the university wishes to make Livingston the hotspot of Rutgers within a few years. Let me repeat they want Livy to replace College Ave. WHY? Dunno but it’s never
gonna happen. Livy sucks and everyone knows it. They want to move everything over there; from all the organized events, the best dorms, to even the frat houses. Who in their right mind willingly goes to Livy? The place is like Betty White’s barren vagina; once you enter you can feel the life draining out of you. Now the school is shit because of two recent incidents, Snooki and Rutgersfest. As for Snooki, fuck her and the whole controversy. It’s boring. As for Rutgersfest. You want to cancel the event because a bunch of New Brunswick punks start acting like hoodrats. The students were responsible. Grow up Rutgers, The day will never die and students will still find the day to get collectively shitfaced and fuck like rabbits. That is our day and we will have it live on! Lastly even the Medium has begun to suffer. When I joined this paper it was to get away from all of the bullshit and politics at the Targum. This paper was hysterical, it was full of inappropriate pictures and photo-
shops, and the personals were vicious. The people who wrote here didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought. Well things have changed and I’m sad. Sure this paper has now produced more original content than it ever has in its history. This paper is at its all time creative high. However it had acquired it at the expense of humor. The paper isn’t funny anymore. You can ask the people in charge and they give the same response, “well fuck you, make your own paper.” Sadly I was to write an article in preparation for Rutgersfest, “RBK killed in turf war,” many laughed but I could tell the editors were resistant to the idea, even before the shit went down. You can help restore this paper to its former glory when we brought you filth and humor. Come to the meetings next semester. Voice your opinions, bitch on bitches. Don’t let the school continue to circle the shithole, and for fucks sake continue to get drunk and laid. Fuck you all and have a nice life.
THE MEDIUM
COMMENTARY
OP/ED
Wednesday, April 27th 2011
“None of these objects can actually speak.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Your Final Paper Isn’t Canceling Rutgersfest is the University’s Due Until 11:30. Let’s Biggest Mistake of the Year Hang Out a Little Longer. BY A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS BY SIX FEET UNDER, SEASON 1 First of all, thanks so much for downloading me from DC++. You could have chosen a lot of other TV shows and movies but you chose me. It’s a pretty nice honor. But for the past hour you keep talking about some paper you have to write and it’s getting pretty irritating. Who cares about Principles of Literary Theory? You didn’t even want to register for that class. Why don’t you forget about that required class and move on to episode 9. Look there’s only 12 episodes in the season. You’re so close to being done, you might as well just finish the whole season.
“You’re so close to being done, you might as well just finish the whole season.”
Ok how long is this paper? Five to seven pages? Come on that’s nothing. You’ve already got a page of your notes. And that’s still single spaced! Once you jack that up to double spaced the paper is practically done. How about this: kick back with some funeral directors who make poor decisions, go to bed, and then wake up early to finish the paper. You can have fun and still get your work done. Alright, alright, if you’re still nervous about getting it done then go work on the paper for an hour. You’re just gonna end up on facebook the whole time. I’m giving you the option to just skip that farce and get right down to watching some quality HBO programming. You’ve been down this procrastination road before, I know you can pull it off. When was the last time you wrote a paper that wasn’t started the day before? Exactly, never. Just get up at 7 and you’ll pull it together. Relax man. You’re just in the middle of an important relationship arc for Nate and Brenda. And what about that guy from Dexter and his boyfriend? That’s heating up. You wouldn’t want to put off the end of that for another minute. Relax.
WHAT. THE. FUCK. I got a e-mail from Richard McFuckface saying that Rutgersfest has been canceled for next year. I’m calling bullshit on this entire school. Rutgersfest is my favorite day of the year. I get to be everyone’s best friend for 24 hours. Me and my friends Natty Light and Mad Dog are suddenly in charge of this whole school. Good luck making a decision on Rutgersfest without my input. They should just rename it Day of Jack. For that one day I should be defacto president of the University. But now one stupid fucker gets shot and no one can enjoy themselves anymore. I’m being hurt more than anyone in this situation. When else am I going to be drank before the sun goes down? I become part of a balanced breakfast on Rutgersfest. Usually I only get time to party during the day when alcoholics are involved. It gets old. You know what FUCK IT! I don’t even care! McCormick can’t tell me what to do!
I run New Brunswick! I run Easton Avenue! I run every frat party! I run the whole world! How many other brands of Tennessee whiskey are you drinking? None? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Yeah, I’m drunk. I don’t give a shit. That’s my job, I’m alcohol. Who else gets to say that? Don’t - DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME! I’m fine ok. I just need some time to cool off. I’m not the one freaking out, you’re all losing it. What did I ever do to McCormick? Why can’t he just love me again? No one loves me. My father didn’t love me. My wife didn’t love me. I should have seen this coming. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna answer McDouchewad’s e-mail. It’s gonna be the longest message he’s ever had to read. That’ll show him who’s boss. EAT A DICK MCCORMICK! I DON’T NEED YOU! I DON’T NEED ANYONE!
“Yeah, I’m drunk. I don’t give a shit. That’s my job, I’m alcohol.”
ADVICE
Ask Dear Daily Targum, I recently found out that my husband of 10 years has been having an affair with his secretary. I’m devastated but I still love him. Is it worth it to work things out with him? Is there any way to fix our relationship? Signed, Desperate in South Dakota
Dear Desperate, (We don’t know what to say. Here’s our website to take up space.)
DAILYTARGUM.COM
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Do you think New Brunswick is safe?
“Officer Sugarlumps always makes sure the streets of New Brunswick are kept safe. As long as he gets his daily salary of carrots!”
The News Page
“Some dumbass cuntbag gets shot and now evryone thinks Brunz is some ghetto. Well FUCK THAT NOISE!” (Wow, you’re a new level of ghetto)
The Personals Page
The Arts Page
THE MEDIUM
SPECIAL SECTION "We're movin' trash..."
Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
The Medium's Guide to SUMMER Summer Advice for homeless people 1. Hide your jacket and winter clothes in a random backyard. You will never need your winter clothes during the summer, but you don’t want to have to shoplift another one from CH Martin. Its probably a good idea to bury your clothes in a backyard near your usual hangout spots in New Brunswick. No one ever uses their backyard for anything more than tanning and having outdoor keggers.
2. Take a dip in the Raritan every once in a while. While the water may be stagnant and disgusting, its probably cleaner than whatever you ate out of that dumpster for lunch.
3. Find new ways to make extra cash. New Brunswick literally empties out when the students leave and there’s only so many Johnson and Johnson employees you can annoy without the cops getting called on you. One good idea is to steal the cigarette butts from those containers outside restaurants and sell them to your homeless buddies.
4. Switch to Red Wine As a homeless person, you probably enjoy your wine. It will probably be very difficult to keep your pinot noir chilled all summer, since you don’t have a fridge, so it would probably be smarter to transition into red wine. If you aren’t into the Cabernets, do what most hobos do and drink Mad Dog, Thunderbird or Wild Irish Rose. Since all of them are “fortified,” temperature doesn’t matter!
CAPTAIN CARL'S GUIDE TO FISHING Argh, so ya think ya can catch yourself a Marlin, do ye? Well, not without me expert advice. I been fishin’ these New Brunswick waters for the past 40 years and I’ve gathered me the best spots to hit this summer. First, you’ll need a good bait. I like the rats they have over by them grease trucks. Chop the heads off them rodents and use a hook with barbs so the flesh gets a good tanglin’. I say a size 6 hook so we catch ourselves a big sea monster. Anything smaller and you’ll be reelin’ in guppies. Next, we have to decide ourselves the type of beer we be bringin’. I don’t drink often but when I do, I drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. Argh, that sounds like a tasty, filling choice. And don’t ye dare call me a hipster or ye be askin’ for a wooden leg. If we be drinkin’ we’ll need
a tasty treat to go with it. There be plenty of pigeons in New Brunswick. If not, bring extra rats. Slow roast so the meat be fallin’ right off the bone. Now that our bellies be stuffed, where to fish? Argh, there be no better place than the river of course. Watch out for them hobos. They fancy living there and they also take a liking to human flesh. Argh. So ya think you’re ready to go out on them stormy waters yet do ye? Well, ye be sadly mistaken. You need a fishing license in all New Jersey freshwaters. Argh, ye can buy one at Dick’s Sporting Goods for $22.50. Argh, good luck to ye all. And leave them sorority maidens a-shore. They be bad luck on the high seas and they probably be bitchin’ the whole time. Argh. Argh. Argh. And argh.
TIPS FOR STAYING PALE THIS SUMMER For those who spend all day inside playing computer games, it’s easy to stay the stark white of a fresh sheet of printer paper year-round. But for those of us who like to go outside and spend time with our friends in the sun, it can be tougher to maintain a terrifying, albino-like brightness through the summer break. Here are some tips to keep your skin like a fresh fallen snow while the weather is warm.
1) Get really into surfing or scuba diving
2) Figure out some way to do research in Antarctica
rofessional surfers and scuba divers wear wet suits, and P it’s pretty much the only proper beach attire that covers the majority of your skin. The only thing you have to do is figure out a way to pull off wearing a ski mask, gloves and socks at the same time.
Do a quick Google search for labs that are making an expedition to the Antarctic Circle. Send out a few quick emails to the expeditions, and then you could spend the whole summer in polar night, in which the sun does not go above the horizon for the entire season.
3) Get new friends who are goths, stop hanging out with Italians, Blacks, or South Asians. Go to an industrial concert and talk to some people, and use hanging out with your new gothy friends as an excuse to avoid anyone you know who synthesizes melanin in their skin cells. Talk to your old friends in the fall.
THE MEDIUM
GUIDE TO SUMMER "26 letters from A to Z..."
SUMMER TRAVEL ADVICE With summer coming up, many people have plans to get the fuck out of where ever they are currently staying to explore the world, and also to get the hell out of grandma’s basement for a while. Here are some helpful hints for traveling in the U.S. this summer: -If you find yourself driving through the southern United States, avoid stopping at "unmarked exits" on the interstate- It could turn into something like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and nobody wants that. - Hitchhikers do not have the guide to the galaxy,nor will they actually help you at all- If they decide not to kill you with a concealed blunt object they will probably just steal your wallet and food. - Stay the fuck away from Maryland- Seriously, go somewhere else - Pack lots of snacks- If you break down on a stretch of road like Alligator Alley in South Florida, you have a better chance of surviving before the gators tear you limb from limb - Bring a phone charger- If your phone goes dead when traveling in between Bumfuck and you gots a purdy mouth, you will never hear from the outside world again, provided you get signal anyway - Watch out for New York drivers- they appear in every state and turn any interstate into a damn parking lot. Snowbirds suck - Everyone from Ohio looks like they have fetal alcohol syndromedon't stare you asshole! - Make the trip worth it because half the fun is getting there, and the other half is trying to escape Detroit during Pub Crawl. And you thought Jersey was bad....
Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
COURSES WE WISH WERE TAUGHT AT SUMMER SESSION Naps and Other Quick Bouts of Rest As the name implies, the course would study short-term sleep habits. Mostly taken for the lab portion. Intro to Summer Fashions While the name sounds a bit misleading, the course would mostly involve looking at pictures of chicks in bikinis. Hydroponics A course offered by the botany department. Knowledge from this course can be used to learn how to grow weed in your basement. No Attendance and 4 Credits 101 The name basically describes the course content and why you should take it. Psychology with Gorgeous TAs So many Freudian slips, so tittle time. Algebra for the Brain Damaged Yes, a math course in the summer sucks but at least you can wear flip flops. Also, most of the football team will be there.
The Medium Presents:
SUMMER COCKTAILS! 2001: A SHIT-FACED ODYSSEY 3 Shots of Cherry Popov 3 More Shots of Cherry Popov Aluminum Foil
Wrap Self in Aluminum Foil. Down shots. Pretend to be a spaceman.
THE FLAMIN' HOBO Orange Juice Mad Dog: Peaches and Cream Bacardi 151
Mix juice and Mad Dog. Top with 151. Light on fire. Throw at hobo.
THE METS FAN EVERCLEAR TEQUILA VODKA
Mix. Watch Mets Game. Take shot every time DL is mentioned.
THE KENNETH B. COP MALT LIQUOR Drink while typing racially biased email or while wearing puffy vest.
THE MEDIUM
GUIDE TO SUMMER "Hey there pumpkin..."
Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
PLACES IN NEW JERSEY THAT ARE NOT 'THE SHORE' I’ve been the Jersey shore twice. Yes, that’s right, twice. So I’m not gonna talk about how awesome the shore is and whatnot. Instead, I’m going to tell you about the awesome places I like to go to in the state. This will be much better than the shore that is slowly sinking into the sea.
The Delaware Water Gap
HOT DOG JOHNNY'S
Pros: The Appalachian Trail runs through it, so plenty of cheap weed.
Pros: You can get an awesome Yellow T-Shirt
Cons: Ironically, you can get thirsty very easily, and it can be hard to find clean water
Cons: You can only eat Hot Dogs, No Arugula Here.
FLEMINGTON COURTHOUSE
Pro: Charles Lindbergh Baby Murder Trial Recreation Day, Alright! Con: No Jack McCoy to be found here whatsoever.
CAMDEN
Pro: Um, oh, let’s see, uh, cheap parking? Con: Too many Dead Goldfish in the State Aquarium. Also, Guns.
THE MEDIUM
GUIDE TO SUMMER "A new point of view!"
Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
HAPPY SUMMER FROM THE MEDIUM! GET DRUNK! GET HIGH! GET PROPER DENTAL CARE! REST IN PIZZA
MEDIUM OBITUARIES REVEN MACQUEEN Editor-In-Chief Reven MacQueen sadly passed away after suffocating on her own cleavage. Her parents are extremely happy that she did not die choking on something far worse. She will be remembered for almost having to sleep with Norm MacDonald. She will also be missed greatly by many of the liquor stores in the area.
TIM SWANSON Senior Editor Tim Swanson disappeared after a Medium meeting six months ago and can only now be legally declared dead because his body has still not been located. It is believed that he was taken out by the Pagan Mob. In lieu of an actual corpse, several of his shirts will be buried along with bottles of shampoo, symbolizing the fact that he never washed his really long hair.
JAKE LEWANDOWSKI Jake “The Snake” Lewandowski died in a tragic cartography accident. He will be buried somewhere near the Rutgers Athletic Center because he was the only person on the Medium staff who remotely cared about Rutgers Basketball. He will be remembered for his dry wit and references to things so obscure that it would make a hipster blush.
ERINN KOERNER Erinn Koerner, former Opinions editor of The Medium ascended to heaven on a chariot led by bunnies and squirrels this past Friday. She was brought to Earth for the sole purpose of reforming the staff of The Medium and turning their lives of sin into lives of worship. After realizing that not even the Pope could help the situation, she left to open a menagerie of baby chickens.
JOHN BENDER The Medium’s Managing Editor John Bender tragically died this past weekend from cardiac arrest while finally losing his virginity. The funeral will be held in the Ale n’ Wich pub and he will be dressed as Geordi La Forge from Star Trek: TNG, complete with the wraparound glasses. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the halfway house he lives next to. They are in need of booze.
KATIE RUSSIAN Features Editor Katie Russian was assassinated by a Unitarian Universalist because the church thought she had become too religious. Her coffin will be in the shape of a giant penis of her own design.
CARMELLA LUCZAK Known as "Spicy Caramel" to everyone at the paper, Carmella was worked to death by that job at SCI she always talks about. Her funeral will be attended by that creepy guy who stalks her and Kaitie Davis, the ever faithful News Editor and siamese twin to Ms. Luczak
PJ WINTERS PJ Winters has died, yet again, probably of old age but that doesn't seem to be right. He has been around for a while and may finally, possibly, hopefully, somehow graduate. PJ will forever be remembered as an inside joke between Medium staff members who actually met him. PJ is now a graduate of Queen's College, having enrolled in 1868.
ARTS
Wednesday, April 27th, 2011
“It is comforting to realize that we will all die one day.”
GRAFFITI
COMICS
THE EVOLUTIONS OF SNOOKI by
Location: Busch/College Ave Walking Path The bear is waving to say “Goodbye, I hope you have a nice summer!!” before he claws your body apart because you left him hanging for a high five. I can’t say on behalf of The Medium that you should spend this summer vandalizing the sides of buildings and street signs in New Brunswick. That would be against the law. I will just say that I really like graffiti, and when break is over, I think it would be really cool to come back and some brand new street art.
-KCig, Arts Editor
TELEVISION REVIEW
Five Shows that Used to be Really Good
One of the worst first-world problems is when a really hilarious and creative television show just starts to suck. And what’s worse is that once you have told everyone how much you love that show, you have to eat your words after it starts sucking, which is embarrassing. Every new episode makes you feel like the writers tore out a piece of your soul and filled in the emptiness in your heart with product placement and self parody.
1) The Office
Started Sucking: When Jim and Pam got married. No more intrigue, and now Pam is a bitch.
2) Scrubs
Started Sucking: Always sucked a little, but started going way down when Elliot dumped Keith.
3) Glee
Started Sucking: The first episode of the second season. The first season was genius, then got really dumb.
3) Family Guy Started Sucking: When it came back from being cancelled. It could have stayed in everyone’s memories as the show that ended too early but was great the whole way through, but they just had to ruin it.
3) Saturday Night Live
Started Sucking: All I know is that classic SNL is hilarious and recent SNL is completely unwatchable.
THE MEDIUM
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS ““Who wants to hit Kenny in the head with non-denominational holiday candy?”” In the past, many of you have done wonderful creating and sending personals. But for some reason, this semester, you people have been slacking. As a Doctor of Personalogy, I will instruct you on the anatomy of college personals. After reading, practice it by sending personals to personals@rutgersmedium. com over the summer.
destruction of public property, nearly injuring you, someone challenging your mood, and much more.
“To the” - The greeting. This could also be in the form “Hey...”, or you can just start right in. This part of the personal when done right should seem contextually angry.
“I had...” - Well, you’re the one bitching about this person, so how the fuck does what they did affect you?
“bitch” - Next comes the profane description of the person. You can call them a “bitch”, “asshole”, “cunt”, “motherfucker”, or anything of your choice.
perso n a ls@r u tgers medi u m . c o m
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
“that...” - Now you have to describe the idiotic bullshit that the person did. This will usually be something that if you watch the person actually perform the action, it would make you want to give them a colonoscopy with your left foot. Such examples include
“...” - The continuation. Let’s continue. “You are...” - The insult. When you write personals you know this person is the scum of the earth. Tell us how scummy they are.
“I hope...” - Feeling angry? Tell us what you hope will happen to this person. Some people use threats but don’t make death threats because thats illegal. Just wish extremely bad things would happen to them. With this advice I look forward to seeing your much better developed personals next year. Have a nice summer and shit Dr. K, Personals Editor
personals@rutgersmedium.com
FOOD
TRANSIT
RESIDENCE
ACADEMICS
PERSONAL
To the 2 dudes in Busch dining hall that were arguing over the RU Dining Healthy Sheet...u realize its just advising you? U don’t have to eat what the sheet says...its a fuckin SHEET bro. So just shut the fuck up before i throw my fatty bbq sandwich in ur faces!
To the asian guy who I “accidentally” kicked on the H today. I apologized to you, but I didn’t mean it. Your dumbass totally slapped the girl that was standing in front of me while you were trying to rush past. I was giving her justice bitch.
To the bitch who put all the hall furniture in front of my door: Who the fuck do you think you are?!! You’ve messed with the wrong dude, bitch! I will slap the face off ur face!!
To my Jewish friend in Development of Mass Media, the milk in my fridge this past week was Kosher. Yummy.
Personally, I think the Personals section is too personal for my personal opinion.
To the dude in the Brower whose dirty napkin totally fell off his tray onto my omlette. I waited in line for like 15 minutes for that shit, and I should have made you go and get me another one. (But you didn’t so what the fuck do you want me to do about it?) Dear Nielson takeout lady... you didn’t give me enough wings. I was hungry again within minutes. stop counting them shits out. (It’ll be better for you in the long run. Consider it saving you from heart disease and a short life.) To the lady at the DCC who jumped in front of me in the li net o swipe. That BBQ Bacon Burger ain’t goin nowhere. (Sure ain’t...) To my roommate who tried to cook Easter dinner for us. We thank you for your attempt, but I totally had to vomit after we ate. I think you should keep to ordering Hansel instead of ever attempting to cook again. Dear dining hall salespeople. I have 60 meal swipes left for 2 weeks of school and you offer no refunds. You should allow me to feed my friends who don’t have enough swipes. Rude.
(What the hell, you can’t just be going around kicking people and shit. What’s wrong with you?) To everybody...why does no one open a fuckin window on the buses?!! We all know its spring, and when you have a ton of people on the bus, its gonna get fuckin hot. So stop acting like we’re in the Middle Ages and open the FUCKING WINDOW!!! (Are your arms broken? Stop bitchin’ and do it your fuckin’ self you pretentious bastard. Why do you think everyone needs to cater to your temperature needs?) To the bitch ass motherfucker that farted or shat hisself on the F bus. I fuckin hate you. I had to ride from fuckin Biel road to Hardenbergh smelling that shit. What have you been eating? (Quit frontin’ like your shit don’t stank...) Dear Mr. EE Bus driver, All I was trying to do was go to class. I didn’t want to assault you or anyone on the bus. So why did you pull off when I tried to get on the bus at Scott Hall. Now I am late to class.
To the bastard that crashed my party last week. How did you not feel awkward. Everyone was talking to each other and totally isolating you. Sad it took us like half an hour to realize no one knew you. (You don’t know when people are in your house that you don’t know. Okay. Whatever.) To the fucker that just moved out of my dorm. So glad you’re gone even though theres only like 2 weeks left. No one likes you. (Wow, that’s harsh. They’re already gone and you’re still on them?) To whomever the fuck kept tried to open my door in Frelinghuysen the other day. If I ever find you, I’ll rip your throat out. (Please don’t.) To my RA. We have a love hate relationship with you. I personally just hate you. So glad to be moving off campus next year. Tell that to your boss like you tell everything else. To the people at Public Safety that decided to have a fire drill at 1:00AM. Smart.
(I really doubt that it was a drill at that time of the (Tough shit. There are night but whatever floats other people that need to your boat...) get places too. We don’t To this column. I’m done have time to wait 4 u.) with you.
To Professor Clark in Human Ecology...do you model for Gordan’s Fisherman? Cuz with a raincoat you’d look like the dude straight from the Gordan Fisherman’s boxes To the bitch that sits behind me in Topics in Math. Shut the fuck up talking to your friend. You’re like 90 years old, and I know she’s your only friend in the class but no one wants to hear you. To the girl in my Criminal Justice class...you’ve had my book for the last month and when I asked for it back you blew me off. I’m sorry, did you pay $2w00 for it? No you didn’t...so give me my fucking book back bitch!!
DR. K’s LAST COLUMN To all you motherfuckers who read this page week after motherfuckin’ week and you decided to not send shit because you’re too fuckin’ lazy to send an e-mail. You get on my nerves. This is my last issue so I’m giving u bulk shoutout to all my Medium people graduating. Also all of those people at my day job graduating I’ll miss. To that fuckin’ RA Carlos. You’re mentioned in here for your second time in life so you’d better fuckin’ save this forever and put it up on your wall. It’s been fun being your personals editor, but I’m tired. Good night.
Portions of this page were formatted by The Blumpkin Kid. SHAMELESS SELF PROMO
PERSONALS
Wednesday, April 27th 2011
“This has been a lot more fun than that time I peed myself at Old Bay.” BITCHIN’
NO ONE CARES
CRAZY? PROLLY...
Dear The Medium, Sometimes I think your newspaper has more legitimate stories than the Targum. Dear people who whisper answers to professors’ questions under their breath; Either say the answer out loud so the teacher can hear, or shut up. I don’t care that you know the answer, you don’t have to prove yourself to those around you, and I can’t hear what the professor is actually saying under your annoying, heavy breathing. Shut the fuck up. (My professors are actually all telepathic and prefer us to communicate in such a manner so, don’t you feel stupid now?) Leggings are NOT pants!! Why?!??!?! Wear pants not leggings! To the hopefully hot and hopefully somewhat interesting female who mentioned that some guy in her Thursday class “would be” attractive if he just did something about “those god-awful sideburns”: Well, they’re gone. Come at me. (Ha. That submission was actually from a dude. I don’t know about hot, but I think “interesting” applies to this situation.) When entering a bus don’t just stop at the door, move in so other people can come in. it’s common sense, but a lot of people don’t have it! To the person who wrote the article about Chris Christie being a good politician bc he’s a man of his word and speaks through his actions: Get off his dick. Not only do you not know shit about politics but you also dont know shit about what this governor of ours. He’s wiping his ass with education funding as we speak. p.s. you are about as articulate as a fourth grader from Newark, idk how the fuck your in college, even more how the fuck your article got published in the paper. (Considering that I had to correct most of this rant, I don’t think you should talk either, you asshat.) To the girl who keeps leaving giant hairballs in the shower: I hope you go bald, you inconsiderate bitch.
To whoever called me out two weeks ago, I only promised to get your clothes off, I never said anything about a good time – Oliver Klozoff So anyone who got too f’d up at Rutgersfest and didn’t get a hookup let’s make up for lost time. (Based on what I have seen going on at Rutgersfest, I don’t think you want to hook up with those people. I think most of them are diseased...) To the girl on the A bus that gave me her ginger ale during Rutgerfest while I was drunk: thank you. You are possibly the nicest girl at Rutgers. Anyone else would have been disgusted with me throwing up in my friends backpack. (Yeah, you and about every other moron at Rutgers who can’t hold their alcohol. College Ave will probably always have the distinct smell of vomit, assault, and broken hearts.) To the gingerman who is going to the German metal band concert; Please try to avoid being stepped on. To my Academic Advisor; Thanks for nothing. I emailed you about four weeks ago. Lazy ass bitch. (Did you ever consider that maybe the whole fucking universe does not actually revolve around you? They’re are other students you fucking idiot. How about you take your lazy ass down there and fucking make an appointment like everyone else does? Makes sense, right? Of course it does.) It is not easy to be a good person, hence why this world is filled with so many bad people. Lots of people are too pussy as well, hence why people don’t always make the best choices. (You are probably not really a nice person because if your were, you would not be complaining about being a good person. Usually if you tell people that you are a good person, you usually aren’t. It just means you’re a douche that no one probably likes anyway.) To RBK; I really hope that you are actually graduating so you’d go away.
To all of the fucking morons who have conversations on ilovethepersonals.com; That’s really fucking stupid, being that you have no idea who the fuck you are talking to. To the cat that watches me walk home; I see you. Please stop it. If you were a human, you’d be a creeper. (The cat is probably trying to assasinate you. Everyone knows that’s what cats do when they stare at you for a long time. They’re highly intelligent animals and 65% are mostly really, fucking evil and creepy.) To my kitten who wears a lion suit, so cute and adorable, it is alright I still love ya. You mind if I pinch your cheeks? To the girl to the right of me, you are really cute and made my evening. A small gremlin from Academia finds itself in front of two lenses. For light entertainment, do you: A) Find the distance between the lenses B) Toss a Pokeball at it C) Shoot that mofo all the way back to Academia Parking officer 4205 is gonna get an ass woopin when I catch you you fucking motherfucker. (Yeah ok. Good luck with that. When you do find that officer, let me know, because I would like to see someone get fucking maced before I graduate.) To the people at ABP; Consider this you’re official shout out, and please tell your co-worker who is also my roommate to stop saving food for three weeks. Thank you. Love ya. ~Spicy Caramel Today’s supposed to be my lucky day – double six – but I didn’t see you today – no dice. I guess you got sick and had to stay home, I wanted to go introduce myself to you today, but you weren’t there. Maybe next Tuesday will be good. (Just fucking do it. I’m serious. If you sit around and wait on all of this metaphysical, horoscope type crap, you know what’s going to happen? Nothing. NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. Then you’ll be alone forever. FOREVER!)
THE MEDIUM
From the mind of Spicy Caramel Well, it looks like I am in fact, graduating so this is the very last time Spicy Caramel’s words will grace this page. Yeah, I know you’re sad. Here’s what you retards have to look forward to at graduation; 1.Family members: I’m not sure about all of you, but usually when several of my fucked up clan gets together, somebody ends up with minor injuries. 2. People you fucking can’t stand: I just realized that I might see people who bring me to a point that is close to homicidal rage or make me so nervous that I want to puke. What’s worse is that you are stuck with them for 3+ hours. 3. Pictures: None of them are flattering. You still look retarded in all of them no matter how many times you do poses and shit. CLASSES
I DON’T ASK
To the guy in my Tuesday class; OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! You literally twitched for about three fucking hours! Calm down! (Its probably because you’re there.) To finals; Thank you for destoying every ounce of happiness that remains in my very soul. To the weird guy in Intro to Philosophy with Simmons: SHUT THE FUCK UP! You ruin my life twice a week by asking questions over and over and over. Shut it! Instead of going “Um... now... consider... for example...” Oh my god it takes you weeks to say anything! I fucking hate you! (You know what? Its assholes like you why people don’t participate in class in the first place. Mind your own fucking business.) For the girl on the F bus wearing the blue hollister sweater and underarmour bookbag. You are really cute and made my trip to Cook/Douglass worth it for once. Thank you. - Guy in the pink hollister sweater. (Good. So maybe you’ll get together and have purple Hollister babies together.) To the Third floor RA in Tinsley Hall,you are absolutely beautiful. Every time you walk pass me I can’t help but smile. I wish I could be man enough to speak to you and at least ask you out for a cup of coffee. -Your Secret Admirer To Secret Admirer; I think you are fucking creepy.
To life, I’m young, superficial and insecure, but now I’m starting to appreciate the good values that life possess; something that needs a closer inspection and will be forever hidden to those too intoxicated by life’s shallow side. Karma is part of life, you don’t dedicate how it runs. It runs its own course and it won’t be manipulated by a person’s own interest. What beautiful is true, what is true is beautiful, when you smear it with something else then it looses a little bit of its beauty. To see something clear you have to be willing to be a quiet passive observer --- Mr. Asberger. (To Mr. Asberger; I think you need to get a life and you sound like a very sad, pathetic, lonely man.) To Rutgers grease truck, you are so delicious and addicting, part of reason I stayed for so long around at Rutgers is just waiting for you. To my iPod; I wanted to thank you for allowing me to politely ignore people for the past three and a half years. To all of my co-workers; Thank you for reading my page this semester. You are all pretty fucking awesome and I am going to miss you if I do eventually leave someday. This is the last issue of the semester, but if you feel the need to continue bitching, please feel free to do so. personals@rutgersmedium.com. Stay away from C-Town. ~Spicy Caramel
WHAT’S SHAKIN’ “I love those blonde eyes.”
eally? utgers
With The In-Shane-iak
You cancelled rutgersfest you sack-suckers!?!? Since President McCormick made the decision to cancel Rutgersfest for all future generations, students across campus have been asking, “But how will we party?” Personally, I didn’t attend Rutgersfest this year because I knew it was going to turn into a shitfest and I had work the next morning. However, my 16-year-old sister let me know that most of her friends were going. Fantastic. And by fantastic I mean what the fuck? So let me get this straight, Rutgers is going to punish its own students to keep out the babies? Sounds like an effective way to piss everyone off. What worries me most about this dumbass decision is that Rutgers students are now going to look for a different way to try and drown themselves in alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity. Rumor has it that student councils from across campus have banded together to try and find a new day to party their ass off. So far, Rutgers Day, 4-20, and Rita’s Free Italian Ice Day have all been tossed around as the new alcoho-pocalypse. Fortunately, Rutgers students are a bright bunch of people and will find a way to drink themselves into oblivion. Unfortunately, it looks like we’ll never have a free concert ever again. Insert sad face here. What will we do without brilliant artists like Yelawolf and Pitbull adding to our college experience? The pain that we will forever feel as a result of this terrible outcome may never be duplicated.
The Medium’s Search & Find By Morgan Freeman Staff Artist
In this special Rutgersfest Edition, please locate... 1. Grub 6. Snail 2. Nose/mouth 7. Pacman 3. Bad decision 8. Tits 4. Creepy eye 5. Lightning bolts
STUDENT OF THE WEEK
Name: Caitlin Balch Year: GRADUATING BITCHES! Major: English Job: Soultaker, GM at The Core Resides: America Food: Sushi Drink: Gin Music: Electro rap dance punk Interests: The Core, 90.3 FM, being General Manager of The Core 90.3 FM, listening to 90.3 FM in her car, River Monsters, not thinking about her interests.
She Was At The Tent State Thing
Does anybody even read this part? I mean, who really cares about this girl? I mean, she’s graduating right? Ah, whatever, I guess she’s pretty cool. Unfortunately, tragedy struck her life when her pet passed away. However, this unspecified animal was given a proper Viking funeral on the banks of the Old Raritan. I’m not sure if I mentioned this already but Caitlin works as General Manager of The Core 90.3 FM. You may also recall that The Medium has been in partnership with The Core over the past few months. “I asked (the EIC) if we could meet to do something with them since we have pretty much the same audience (pervs, LOTS of stoners, rejects, and other awesome talents).”
WALKEN IN COLOR
For this final color edition of The Medium I have decided to analyze some color photos of actor Christopher Walken. Enjoy.
This brilliant photo of Walken from Balls of Fury emphasizes his strength and commanding presence. His red and white outfit symbolize power and purity. Furthermore, his dark hair manages to deliver a fabulous glow. I give this photo a rating of 8.9/10.0.
A LBUM R EVIEW T IME
My 4 month summer vacation starts Monday. Leave me alone but send e-mails to... shakin@rutgersmedium.com
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
This photo stands out to me as a bright and joyful expression of Walken’s childlike, innocent, and docile personality. The yellow bowtie symbolizes tranquility and beauty. In addition, pay attention to the marvelous shading in the upperleft corner of the picture. I give this photo a rating of 9.2/10.0 for its amazing distinction between light and dark.
Finally, color is used sparingly in this photo but chosen effectively. The contrast between the stripes on Walken’s outfit give him a distinguished look and clashes well with his reddish-orange bowtie. For its eerie beauty, I give this photo a rating of 9.7/10.0.
By Yue Wang LAND OF TALK / Cloak and Cipher / Post-Punk Cloak and Cipher is Montreal-based Land of Talk’s sophomore album and features contributions from the likes of Stars, Arcade Fire, and The Besnard Lakes. Front woman Elizabeth Powell is also a member of Broken Social Scene and probably the most of underrated of the girls. With its raw sound and cryptic lyrics, this album channels a sort of passionate nostalgia, fragile yet powerful, and is a maturation from the restrained aggressiveness of previous work. They’ve improved upon their layered complexity, which couples beautifully with Elizabeth’s clear and soulful voice. Definitely, definitely play this whole album. Recommended if you like: Broken Social Scene, Page France, Les Savy Fav, Beach House.