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INSTA: @themediumRU
April 18th, 2018
Volume LV Issue IX 50¢ WE'RE ALL SORTA KINDA SAD
Breaking: U. Club President Murdered near Livingston Bus Stop WALTER CRONKITE JR. DOESN'T CARE
PISCATAWAY — Andrew Blustein, head of studentled satirical publication The Medium, was found dead early Wednesday morning at the Livingston Plaza bus stop, according to Rutgers police. "The body of senior Andrew Blustein was found at 3 a.m. Wednesday," said chief of University police Kenneth Cop. "Evidence points to foul play, and we are gathering information on suspects. The Rutgers community is deeply saddened by the loss. We have no further comment." According to people familiar
TROUBLE ON CAMPUS
This livingston bus stop is taped off to investigate the death of a student
with the situation, the main Medium, a weekly printed suspects are the remaining satirical newspaper, dubbed executive members of The Rutgers' Entertainment Weekly. Continued on Page 2
HOLDING HANDS WITH EVERYONE
Islam Awareness Tent Featured Booth Showing What It’s Like to Live Under ISIS SUE DENIMM SUES DENIM
ONE THUMB UP Students of all backgrounds can come to the tent outside Brower to equally understand what it's like to live under ISIS
New Brunswick — Last week was Islam awareness week at Rutgers, and to celebrate, the Rutgers University Muslim Student Association opened a large tent outside Brower. The tent featured booths with a wide array of activities aimed at garnering awareness and support for the Muslim community on campus and in general. These included free henna tattoos, hijab try-ons, and a booth that demonstrated what life would be like living under the reign of ISIS. The week is very important to the Muslim community, as it allows for open discussion about issues in modern day society and Islam,
Continued on Page 2
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QUICKIES
Crime Alert Victim Still Has To Sit Bitch Seat Local Skunk Horny For Black Cat With White Stripe Study: Positive Corellation Between Students Needing Extra Credit and Teachers Getting Horny School to Arm Teachers With Giant Inflatable Hammers
Which Chair is Best?
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NEWS
Wednesday, April 18th, 2018
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"Dude no one even uses AOL anymore"
METAL
HANDS OFF TO THESE STUDENTS
Marvel Stages Mass Shooting to Announce Season 2 of Punisher KYLE MEDADDY DOESN'T LIKE NAZIS
HOLLYWOOD — In the midst of all the excitement for films such as Avengers Infinity war, Ant Man and the Wasp, and Luke Cage Season 2, marvel studios marketing executive, Michael Pasciullo, thought it would be a great idea to stage a mass shooting to announce the release date for Punisher Season 2. Sadly, the stunt did not get the publicity Pasciullo was looking for. The plan was to use special effects and several different actors to stage the look of a villian running rampant in time square. Pasciullo had Ben Barnes, who was to return for the role as Billy Russo, played the role of the shooter, in hopes that people would recognize him and know it was a publicity stunt. When the “shooting” began everyone had no idea it was staged and ran screaming in horror and eventually the police were called. It was believed that all precincts were notified of the event to avoid in complications, but one precinct did not get the memo. From the 38th New York police precinct came five police cars with two officers each. Barnes believing the officers were actors began firing his weapon, filled with blanks, at them. Because of this, police then proceeded to shoot and kill Ben Barnes. It was not until Jon Bernthal, dressed in his punisher armor, yelled from the one of the rooftops, “stop this Russo, it’s me you want!!!” he then looked down and saw his co-star dead in the center of the square. “I said it was a bad idea, but they were telling me everything was taken care of,” Bernthal said with tears for the death of his friend and coworker. Pasciullo was unable to comment, due to the fact that he is know where to be found. The last person to have contact with him was a coworker who called him to tell him what happened. “When I told him, he seemed like he was in a rush and he told me to tell his family he would be home as soon as all this blows over.” There is a warrant out for Pasciullo, but he is nowhere to be found.
ISLAM
...continued from front
including the fact that at any time your home country could be invaded by a murderous regime. “I think that many people here at Rutgers, at no fault of their own, are simply ignorant of the many facets of the daily plights of living as a Muslim. It’s important to show people that if they stole in Iraq, their hands will be cut off and adorned on a statue of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi,” said Abdul Mahbub, holding the severed hand of an eager student volunteer. Rutgers fully embraced the week, and encouraged all students to check out the tent to get a glimpse into the culturally rich world of Islam. “Rutgers has a beautiful and diverse community, and the Muslim students here are such a large and vital part of that community,” said Rutgers president Robert Barchi. “I for one got my body dipped in a vat of acid just like the hundreds of poor Muslims that this happens to each year due to ISIS.” The Rutgers conservative club hopes to follow in the footsteps of RUMSA by opening up their own booth showcasing what it is like to live in the Bible Belt, in which students can burn crosses, buy assault rifles, and marry their sister.
OH MY GOD HE'S DEAD
RIP
...continued from front
For a more detailed breakdown of the suspects, see inside. "We just can't believe this happened," said managing editor Jake Goldstein, one of the suspects according to the people. "I saw him yesterday and he was fine. We were all at trivia night. I mean–I just don't know what to say." Goldstein, along with most members of The Medium, did not comment on being a suspect in the case. "Yeah, I know I'm a suspect," said Dan Cratella, the page A7 editor who was the only member to comment on the situation. "People never trust me, but it's fine, I don't care. I have an alibi. I can tell you it right now if you want. I mean I know I probably shouldn't, but believe me I have one. Search my car if you want to– it's sad, yeah it's sad–but I didn't do it so just search whatever I'm innocent." University police would not comment further on an open investigation, but did say New Brunswick police are getting involved. "Murder?!," said opinions editor Marissa Schwartz, who is the only one to request counsel. "Oh god! They're going to blame me, I just know it."
SCOOT MCBOOT SCOOTS, GETS SPEED BOOST FROM BOOTY TOOT
EN ROUTE TO HIS COMMUTE, AN ASTUTE SCOOT MCBOOT IN SUIT SHOOTS A TOOT TO EXECUTE A SPEED BOOST.
Editorial Staff Spring 2018
Editor-in-Chief Andrew Blustein Managing Editor Jake Goldstein Business Manager Alex Hawley Mascot Cucumber w/ condom
News Editors Michael Okolo Jordan Plaut Opinions Editor Marissa Schwartz Arts Editor Jeff Zhang Personals Editor Kevin McClintock A7 Editor Dan Cretella Features Editor Zoe Adele Sifnakis
Sports Editor Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche
Rimond Siddique Zachary Fox Jake Goldstein Max Broggi-Sumner William Field The gumptionless
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 117-D of the Livingston Student Center at the Livingston Campus. This article is dedicated to the gumptitious.
Wednesday, April 18th, 2018
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OPINIONS
the Medium
"Today is gonna be the day."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Now that Facebook got busted, where are you going to share your personal online data? “Facebook. Lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice.” Lisa Menendez Meterology minor. “My own personal blog, obamadid911.org.” Jason Philips Sole proprietor of 501(c)(3)
“Linkedin.” Dan Lincoln Not messing around when it comes to getting a job postgrad. GOD, I’M HUNGRY
I AM AN ATHEIST BY JIM THE ATHEIST My name is Jim and I am an atheist. I am sorry, but I feel like I just had to get that out of the way before I say anything else. Anyways, as many people were celebrating Passover and Easter this past month, I was hit with a familiar dilemma that overwhelms me every single time a major religious holiday passes by. Be it Ramadan, Diwali, Easter, or Passover, I always have this sudden urge to convert back. Now, don’t get me wrong, I would never convert back because of this crazy epiphany I had or shit like that, rather it would be for the food. Do you know that scene in Home Alone when Kevin passes by that family eating a meal in the comfort of their own home and looks miserable? Well that was me this past weekend. It has gotten to the point that because I am an atheist, my mom refuses to make me matzo ball soup and roasted chicken. Well, enough is enough. From now on, whenever I feel like I need a change in my diet, I will change my religion. It is simple as that. Think about it, a fellow Jew or Christian would never deny a “brother” food. If I am craving some spicy Indian food I will convert to Indian or whatever it is called. The world is my cafeteria. In the end, I guess you could say I have had an eatpiphany.
DRIVE BY, DRIVE BYE
AS AN ACT OF RESISTANCE I DIDN’T THANK THE BUS DRIVER WHO WAS BAD AT DRIVING BY ALICIA SIMON
It’s a basic sign of respect that if you ride the buses at Rutgers, you thank the bus drivers when you leave. That’s why you should always exit from the front of the bus. Those drivers have a thankless job without our recognition, so I always make it a point to greet them as I enter the bus (even if I accidentally enter from the back), and as I leave thank them for getting me where I need to be. I don’t take for granted their role in students’ lives. So when I am met with a bus driver who doesn’t take seriously their role, I am confronted with a dilemma. Do I thank a bus driver who clearly isn’t putting into their job what is expected of them? This is the question I asked myself the other day when the bus driver showed a disregard for the patrons of his bus. Not only did he not acknowledge my greeting, but he drove with such speed that students could barely keep their balance. With that I just couldn’t bring myself to thank him for the ride that he clearly didn’t put any effort into providing.
SHEM PRODUCTIONS: BASKERVILLE REVIEW BY PAUL LIN Not to be confused with SHIM productions, a local under-the-table plastic surgery group, SHEM Productions is an on-campus theatre group. Each year their collection of theatrical students puts on multiple productions of mainstream shows, along with some originals. If you want to go out of your way to see that annoying freshman from your history class truly unleash his dramatic flair, this organization is what you need! This past weekend, they put on Sherlock Holmes’ Baskerville, a mysterious tale filled with lust, murder, and a surprising amount of costume changes. With one show Saturday and one on Sunday at the Hillel, the quaint cast of five, including only one female, unraveled the mystery of the hound of Baskerville. To the backdrop of wood boards covered in a rich burgundy wallpaper that slightly shuddered in the breeze of the building’s A.C. system, all of the scenes took place in an old fashioned sitting room with couch, chair, freestanding dry bar and false window. It could definitely be the set of an old timey portrait studio your family would drag you to down the shore. The small cast made up for their size with their ability to produce a myriad of accents, and distinct characters. At one point, Henry Baskerville and Lestrade, who were played by the same actor, masterfully appeared in a dialogue in the same scene. The chemistry between the two was indescribable. I would have liked to see the dynamic if Baskerville played both himself and his love interest. Another highlight was seeing characters running off stage to change costumes and reappear as another character. My words don’t do justice the dramatic artistry present in the work and it is a shame that the world will never again have the chance to witness such a performance. All I can say is brava, brava!
MEET THE
the Medium
Max Broggi-Sumner Webmaster Alibi: Broggi-Sumner claims multiple witnesses can confirm he was explaining how to properly pronounce his last name
Kevin McClintock Personal Editors Alibi: Kevin was arrested earlier that morning for stealing wallets from the elderly people he was helping cross the street.
Jordan Plaut News Editor Alibi: Plaut states he thought late Tuesday night was the Sabbath, as he's been out of touch with his roots since permanently removing his Yarmulke. "I couldn't have murdered him," Plaut says, "I was doing nothing like a schmuck in my house. I need God." Dan Cretella A7 Editor Alibi: Cretella claims to have been “making mouth love” to a pint of Ben & Jerry’s at the time of the murder, but no witnesses have stepped forward to corroborate his story.
Scott Hobberman Copy Editor Alibi: Took a shit so big his body came off and is now just a floating head. Sewage workers confirm.
Andrew Blustein Editor in Chief Alibi: Dead.
MEDIUM
the Medium Wednesday, April 18th, 2018
Jeff Zhang Arts Editor Alibi: Zhang is currently missing. Authorities believe he is hiding at his tailor’s store thinking of new ways to justify Woody Allen’s behavior.
Jacob Goldstein Managing Editor Alibi: Witnesses confirm they saw Goldstein with the victim leaving Olive Branch at around midnight. Goldstein claims he went back and stayed at the bar until 2:45 a.m. protesting the answer to a question he got wrong.
Rimond Siddique Sports Editor Alibi: “Driving packages” for Amazon because he needs money for “a lifelong supply of insulin shots." Marissa Shwartz Opinions Editor Alibi: Marissa has been deemed “incapable of committing any type of crime” and was dismissed from the scene for “anxiety puking”.
Zoe Sifnakis Features Editor Alibi: Digital records show Sifnakis was downloading copious amounts of foot fetish porn in her home 15 minutes before the time of death
Landen Naphtali Senior Contributing Writer Alibi: Naphtali reportedly told officers he was so far up his own ass that he got lost until Wednesday mid-afternoon.
Mike Okolo News Editor Alibi: Okolo was able to show photographic proof he was visiting his extended family at the time of the crime, but was brought in for questioning just in case
PERSONALS
the Medium Novel Skill
Handy Andy
Anyone got Satan’s number as finals coming up?
I specalize in intentionally misinterpreting lines in books for analysis essays/Amazon reviews.)
I don’t really have anything important to say, but I’ve discovered there’s a professor named “Andy Sandy” working here and I’ve been telling everyone I know. (Andy Sandy sounds like a pet name someone gave Andt Samberg when he first started SNL.) What’s a good was to buy lube poison in this city? (Um I don’t know for sure, but I know that someone at the Adams building has been making stuff on the seventh floor.) Why are you hitting yourself? (So I can see if I can still feel something.)
My roomate has loud speaker phone conversations with his mother and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. (At least yours doesn’t have a phone sex addiction like mine. I swear he has to sext his mom like three times a week.) Has anyone ever noticed that Weezer sucks? (Say it ain’t so is the only good song they have. Everything else is just whiny trash after a second listen.) I think I just found a pinup calendar of my aunt. (Really? Holy shit man where did you find it? I don’t know anyone who uses paper calandars.)
themedium.personals@gmail.com
“There’s been a MURDER”
Soul Sales (Last I checked, you just need to bury a bloddy cross at the place where four roads meet and his business card will rise up.)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2018
(HaHA and I am an expert of extracting symbolism from passages where there is none! With our powers combined, we will ruin reading for middle schoolers across the nation! MwahahahahahahHAHA!) Any virgin wanna volunteer to be sacrificed to a volcano in an effort to make it warmer outside? (Jokes aside you should check out ‘Joe vs. the Volcano’. Tom Hanks stars in a story about learning how to live at the end of life.) Tell your webmaster he’s a lazy asshole. Your April Fool’s edition was just put online. (I would, but my page never gets put online. I’ve never even met the guy umtil last week.)
Here is a building that we all like to forget was built by slaves...
Star Crossed My roomate is dating a girl from Penn State and if they are Romeo and Juliet, then it looks like I’m Mercutio. (I dunno, R&J only went nuts cause no one wanted them to bone.) I’m not on an airplane, but my ears still popped. (It clearly is the pressures of life bearing down on your body. Soon the weight will be too much and you will be crushed.) I can’t make it tonight due to sickness. Plz plz plz cover for me. (That sounds like quiter talk to me. Man or Woman the fuck up and meet your obligations to society head on!) Why didn’t you win a Pulitzer this year? (Its pretty frowned upon to have all your major stories be about why kinds of rice I’ve eaten.)
The Joke Died
Join us at our pitch meetings. Seriously, we need actual funny people. We haven’t had any in years. It could be you! What are you waiting for? Wednesday @ 7:45pm College Ave Student Center 411B
What’s your favorite TV show? (I honestly only kept running this bit to fill the space in this area. I honestly do not like doing this page as I this PC doesn’t connect to the internet so I can’t post pictures of exotic animal births and set them to flapper music.)
QOTW
“Anything I say while drinking Dr. Pepper falls under Doctor/Patient Confidentiality.” -Closet Millennial Sean “Next in Jail” Hannity
Yelp on Drugs
Head of State
My drug dealer stil won’t take cashless payment, card, or even Venmo. 1/10 will never deal with again. You gotta put convinience first. (My number one gripe with dealers is thier determination to not leave a paper trail.) Why does Adam Levine always sing like he has a marble in his mouth. (That is just how he sings. In order to get that really horrible voice that sounds like a drowning whoppie cushion, he takes a cup of marbles and gargles them.) This whole bit about you trying to understand the struggle of women was funny at first, but you lost all integrety to me when you just threw that all away with that recent bit with the blahs.
Personals editor 4 prez! (Give me around 20 years.) The theatre for ‘Truth or Dare’ was so empty that no one was there to catch me jacking it. (Are you kidding? That sucks man because as Louie taught us, having someone watch is half the fun.) Why hasn’t my dad come back from getting pizza 18 years ago? (I can not say for sure, but from what I know about pizza I can say this: Any pizza that takes 18 years to make must be amazing!) Bring back the substitute Personals editor! (OFFER STILL STANDS MOTHER FUCKER! Though if you are reading this you will probably be the my replacement.)
(I grew up with two sisters, if anyone knows about the How do I not get laid? various forms of a woman’s wrath it is me. Also I now (Girls as a whole need to start carrying dick stabhave a fear of toliet seats.) bing knives. It only has to Looking back, ever since be a few of you, but if every spring break, every 1 in 5 women are stabbing week has been like get- dicks guys might be less inclined to rub up on you at ting fucking in the ass. the bar) (At some point life becomes Do you still have faith in just a count of how many times you were fucked to- human kindness? day.) Do you really REALLY not like answering these? (Yes, why do you think this message is still here?)
(Not anymore...) Is it worse to fail all your classes in a semester, or fail one class every semester for two years. (Write your reponse here.)
Wednesday, April 18th, 2018 themedium.features@gmail.com
THIS DAY IN HISTORY
F/ARTS
the Medium
“Massage me back, pardner.”
“BOMBING” BY MR. HIPS & NIPS
Luther defiant at Diet of Worms
On April 18th, 1521, the other Martin Luther straight refused to decant or defend his 95 beliefs. The pope wasn’t about it and Luther was declared a heretic/ outlaw by the Catholic church. Under German protection, he still managed to strongly influence the course of Western thought, even though eating worms is fucking gross, man.
DOTW: “COCKLEA” BY ANATOMY SLUT
“MODERN MUSIC” BY NOT THE MURDERER
After sliding down the ear canal and past the eardrum, you can find this gently curving, bony structure nestled deep, deep inside the inner ear.
CATCH OF THE DAY
“YOUR MOM’S NEW BOYFRIEND TAKES REALLY LONG SHOWERS” - Anonymous
*it’s red
april 18th, 2018 @MediumSports themedium.sports@ Gmail.com WAKE UP, IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM
YANKEES SIGN CRICKET SUPERSTAR TO NEW RECORD CONTRACT
"THE DREAM IS ALIVE" Hasan is destined too roll in all the new punani he's about to get with his new contract. IVAN YAKINOFF STILL NEEDS TO DO TAXES
NEW YORK— In the latest in season roster move, the New York Yankees have made the surprise move of the season
by signing Bangladeshi cricket super star Shakib Al Hasan to their new starting roster. Hasan, the greatest cricket player from
Bangladesh, is thrilled that he can finally live his life long goal of being the first rich guy to achieve the American dream. "Everyone knows about the American dream and how dirt poor people from developing countries come to get a somewhat better life in a country with an even higher cost of living than their own home country. But today I break that trend. I already enjoy a life of luxury in Bangladesh and now in America I enjoy an even bigger life of luxury with legal booze and fine women from all corners of Earth. said Hasan. General manager Brian Cashman and manager Aaron Boone welcomed Hasan to the team and America by buying him a ecomomy flight from Dhaka and making him pay for his own hotel in the Bronx. Believing him to the big star that will help bring the Yankees back to their glory days, the
team signed him to a 15 year, $690 million contract, which is currently the largest contract in MLB history. Despite the fact the cricket and baseball are still very different sports, the Yankees seem to be completely oblivious to that fact. They are totally confident that Hasan will have no problem transitioning from one sport that takes forever to complete to another sport that takes forever to complete. "We heard what people said, that Hasan won't be able to grasp the boringness and the slow ass snail pace of baseball, but rest be assured he's got that locked down. He's already brought his bulk size order of sunflower seeds and chewing tobacco" said manager Aaron Boone. In preparation for his new life in America, Hasan is staying in bed dreaming about achieving the American dream.
By the numbers: 2018 year review The last greatest and hottest thing to come from Rutgers sports in sports so far BY IVAN YAKINOFF
217,458,342 564 Fires set by Philly sports fans.
7
Shrugs per second when LeBron gets a foul called on him.
242
Years Americans got to enjoy free sports.
3
NFL fans who really don't care about the dangers of the sport.
21643
Average NBA attendance stat I pulled out my ass.
π
Circumference over.....fuck this shit. Damn nerds.
69
mean anything. Soccer fans left after US got Don't We're just putting it in here eliminated from World Cup contention.
∞ Years it will take for Rutgers to be revelant in sports.
3:16 Stone Cold Steve Austin needs a comeback.
overdosed on gumption SINCE 1970