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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue II
50¢
September 15th, 2010
HELL BUS
EVERY HIGHLAND PARK RESIDENT GETS OWN 'L' BUS BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
HIGHLAND PARK — In an effort to compromise with the demands of RUSA, OCSA, and other student organizations, the Department of Transportation Services has announced that several unused buses will be reallocated to better serve the residents of Highland Park. “The bus route formally known as the ‘L’ bus was inefficient and costly, while the new LXc route does not serve enough of the Highland Park population,” said Frank Montanga, Vice Director of Transportation Services. “Our new compromise will allow each Highland Park resident to travel at their own pace.” Beginning yesterday, every University student who had listed Highland Park as their loca-
tion of residence had a RUDOTS Bus parked outside their home for their own personal use. Each bus includes a driver, in full uniform, ready to transport students to any location they might need. The bus, and the driver, will wait outside the person's residence so they can be ready to transport at any moment. “This solution works for me,” said Highland Park resident and Criminal Justice Major Alex Conroy. “Instead of waiting for the LXc an hour before class starts, or even waiting ten minutes at the bus stop for an L bus, I can hop out of bed, onto a bus and straight into class!” RUDOTS has also announced that, in an effort to avoid confusion, the marquees that display on the front of the buses can be customized to include such identifying marks as the student’s name, their
MASS TRANSIT
Personal buses en route from Highland Park to New Brunswick
address, or any other information that the student wishes, including locations of parties and names of girls that are thought to be “whores”.
RU SPECIAL?
Student Graduates After First Week of Courses Entered Rutgers With 450 AP Credits, Mild Psychosis
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
VOORHEES MALL—Moments after being accepted into the School of Arts and Sciences program, former Freshman Steven Gould accepted his diploma, got back into his car and drove home having completed all of his degree requirements. Having taken a multitude of AP courses in his high school, Gould had amassed 450 college credits which, after applying the standard RU-Screw formula (Credits wanting to be transferred divided by 2.5) came out to 180 credits. “I’m pretty stoked about missing all of the best parts of my life,” Gould happily told reporters from the couch of his parent’s basement. “I heard college is all about expanding your horizons, meeting new people, and enjoying youth. None of those things are attractive to me.”
TYPICAL DAY FOR STEVEN GOULD DURING HIGH SCHOOL
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
Students remember 9/11.
"Dude, that party at 10 High Street on Saturday night was off the hook!"
'Cartographers Without Borders' Program Fails Miserably
BIOLOGY.................... 6 HRS
Asshole Ambulance Driver Parks in Front of Emergency Room
HISTORY................... 7 HRS PHYSICS................. 9 HRS BROWN NOSING....... 1.5 HRS
Student Tempted to Jack-Off to Sounds of Hallmates Having Sex
WHACKING IT........... 1 HOUR SLEEP....................... .5 HRS Gould had spent approximately 127 hours a week on his schoolwork, pausing only to drive to school or catch a psychosis delaying power nap whenever time permitted. “A typical day involved no going to bed per se, but rather letting my mind wander for a minute or two. I’m pretty sure that covers any sort of REM
RUDOTS has also predicted that a majority of students will be using the buses to travel to the Highland Park Rite-Aid to buy their friends liquor.
sleep I need which means I wouldn’t halluci….WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT CRAWLING ON MY ARM!?!...nate.” Gould plans to spend the rest of his life contemplating how his triple major in Criminal Justice, Communications and Women’s and Gender studies could possibly land him a job whilst working at Brower.
Voted Best Burgers in Town! ESTABLISHED 1970
BBM THIS, BITCH! FUCK Y'ALL AND YO SHINY ASS BLACKBURRIES YOU SKANK FOLK!
THE MEDIUM
JEWS
Wednesday, September 15th, 2010
"Does Roy Orbison count?"
SMOKING THE GUN
NBPD Shifts Narcotics Officers to Traffic Safety
JOWLS
Missing Brower Statue That Kind of Looks Like Richard Nixon Somehow Found Alongside Missing Eighteen Minutes of Watergate Tapes
'Watching people cross the street will be top priority' says Chief
BY DAN "OMAN" CHOG JR. STAFF WRITER
FRENCH STREET—In a press conference on Tuesday, the head of the New Brunswick Police Department announced that there will be sweeping changes to the structure and priorities of the Department. “These are trying times,” said NBPD Chief of Police Mike Peabody, “we must protect the citizens of New Brunswick from their most dangerous enemy: motorists who do not yield at crosswalks.” The NBPD, over the course of the next week, will be pulling several of its undercover officers from their positions involving investigations into high level drug trafficking and associated illegal activities to positions along the sidewalks of New Brunswick. There, they will be able to observe passing motorists and watch for drivers who are not stopping to let students and New Brunswick residents cross the street.
BY OLIVER KLOZOFF STAFF WRITER
WASHINGTON DC—Many who have been on College Ave. have FIVE-O ON THE DL Twenty people in this picture are undercover officers. Can you find them? noticed a seemingly out of place block in front of Brower. That “The undercover officers gen, a member of the Narcotics block was once home to the inwill then alert a nearby uni- Squad for fifteen years. “Now famous Nixon statue. The statue formed officer who will issue that bullet that was meant for is supposed to be a tribute to a ticket and let the motorist me will go to some innocent byPresident Richard Nixon while he continue driving on the road,” stander.” said Peabody. “No arrests are But, some people still fear stares at the River Dorms. Last year the statue mysteriously disexpected to be made with this for their safety. program.” “What happens if I get appeared and left many students Officers are excited about pulled over while I’m trafficking puzzled as to why the symbol of their new tasks. drugs?” asked Fifth Ward Resi- crookedness had vanished. After many halfhearted at“Finally, a job where I’m not dent Dwayne Christophe. “This worrying about getting shot!” new program will inevitably get tempts to discover its whereabouts, many had given up hope. exclaimed Officer David Ha- me caught in the act!” Targum Staff writer John Bonnie did his best to uncover the mysIN-TER-CEPTION tery of the missing Nixon. “I asked my Television Reporting professor if he knew where it went,” said Bonnie. “He admitted he had no idea. So I said fuck it.” Once again this left only the BY RANDOM ANONYMOUS Medium to prove why it is the STAFF WRITER King of the campus. Several minutes on the internet discovered a BUSCH — It took no physical lead that would shake up Ameriexertion and only a vivid imagican History as we know it. Our nation for sophomore Bobby destination… the White House. Baxter to field a fantasy footOnce The Medium arrived ball team capable of burying the in Washington D.C. we quickly Rutgers Varsity squad. found the statue in an old shed After Rutgers’ poor perforbehind the White House. Howmance in the first half against ever, beside the statue were the Norfolk State two weeks ago, missing 18 minutes of tape from Coach Greg Schiano scheduled the Watergate investigation. a scrimmage against Baxter’s For many decades it has been dream team, The S-TD’s. debated whether the 18 minutes The scrimmage was intendof tape would provide the evied to help Rutgers practice some CLICKIN' AIN'T EASY! This man is a football hero. Whooda thunk? dence to incriminate Richard Nixspecific offensive plays such as on in the Watergate scandal. the “Who Needs Rice Play-action featuring Indianapolis Colts’ QB ing QB Tom Savage six times. When listening to the tape According to Savage, he and The Medium could hear President Pass” and the “McCormick Dive” Peyton Manning, who threw for but the team wound up victims 320 yards with 5 touchdown his teammates met at a local bar Nixon talking about building an of an embarrassing 427.60 to 7 passes. In addition, The S-TD’s after the game debating wheth- army of robots, making a marshdefeat. Baltimore Raven’s defense was er or not the game was real or mallow colony on the moon, and Schiano attributes the loss able to penetrate Rutgers’ of- a dream induced by Baxter to wishing he could telepathically to The S-TD’s “all-star” lineup fensive line aggressively, sack- steal The Scarlet Knights’ play- control ants to ruin the American book. public’s picnics. The Medium attributes this Think you're funny? Ha! That's funny. You should write for us. to Nixon's experimentation with crack cocaine around the time of the Watergate Break in.
Student’s Fantasy Football Team Defeats Rutgers in Scrimmage
Meeting tonight at 8:30 in 410 at the Rutgers Student Center
Editorial Staff Fall 2010
F
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Reven MacQueen John Bender HELP! PLEASE! Tim Swanson
News Editors Kaitie Davis Jordan Gochman Features Editor Katie Russian Opinions Editor Erinn Koerner Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editor Carmella Luczak
Personals Editor What’s Shakin’ Editor Copyeditor Photo Manager Webmaster Faculty Advisor
Kenneth Brooks Amy DiMaria Erinn Koerner Abe Stanway Abe Stanway Barbara Reed
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication, and should never be taken seriously. The office of the Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to all that delicious food you will be missing by fasting for Yom Kippur. It looks soooooo good. You totally want to eat it. You are gonna be soooooo hungry!
FEATURES
Wednesday, September 15th, 2010
“Fat chicks really need to stop wearing clothing that is too tight”
THE MEDIUM
Recent Study: Do Avid World of Warcraft Enthusiasts Lose Interest after Losing Their Virginity? By TROTSKY, Features Editor Answer: Yes, they do. Rutgers freshman Eddie Fenermore, 26, stopped playing his favorite computer game, World of Warcraft, this week after discovering a far more enthralling pasttime--sex. Fenermore recently broke up with his girlfriend Caroline, a fat chick whose WoW avatar was a sexy nymph. The couple dated for 6 years, though they never actually met. Last Saturday, after feeling regret over his decision to end their relationship, Fenermore decided to attend his first frat party. He figured at the very least he could drink his troubles away. But he found something deeper, something more fulfilling--a really, really drunk bitch named Kryztal. "Having sex with Kryztal was better than beating Doom Lord Kazzack on the Throne of Kil'jaeden!" said Fenermore, who could not stop grinning at the thought of his triumph over chastity. "Kryztal really changed my perspective on life! Now I spend my days ononline dating sites instead of
Mitsupieceofshit By The In-Shane-iak
Fenermore, above, is playin’ it cool with his newfound confidence
wasting all my time on WoW.” In stark contrast to Fenermore's jubilee, the members of his WoW progress raid group were less than thrilled to hear the news of his resignation. "Being in a raid group is like being part of a soccer team," said Dirk Strudel, the group's Death Knight. "When you blow off your Only the Japanese would manufacraids, you're letting 24 other ture Poop and Pee Plush Toys. people down! That's fucked up!" Despite the resentment Fenermore has procured from his only friends, he has no plans to return to the game, and claims to have banged several more chicks since changing his lifestyle. No-Job (No-Jay)
Medium Word of the Week!
Different Types of People who play WoW 92% Virgin Males 2% Really ugly girls that are desperate for any form of male attention 1% Asexuals 4% Pedophiles 0.9999999999999999% Desperate guys who want to bang the ugly chicks .00000000000000001% Mr. T
An act of fellatio that is performed without using tounge, lips, teeth, mouth, or any contact at all. In essence, the female forms a nopleasure black hole around the penis. Exclusively practiced by timid or frigid bitches.
Standard Rutgers Crime Alert Form By Oswaldo
Send all submissions to Features@themediumonline.com
COLLEGE AVE – Rutgers never ceases to amaze me. The size of the classrooms and the amount of students walking up and down College Ave. seems to grow each day. Of course, once midterms roll around the parking lots will start to empty up and seats will free up in the Scott Hall auditoriums. Everyone that partied a little too much and didn’t do their homework like a good little student will return to their county college where they belong. For now, we have to live with the overpopulation and the girls will have to deal with those creepy guys trying to cop a feel on their asses in the overcrowded buses. And I’ll have to put up with one of my classes being located in a storage closet in the School of Communications. We knew Hollywood had already run out of good ideas for movies when they put The Rock in Tooth Fairy but I had no clue Rutgers ran out of classrooms! Rutgers may not be able to do much for us right now regarding the surplus of students this semester but they should at least ban those fucking Lancer Evos! If you, your friend, your friend’s roommate, or his friend’s lab partner, or her exboyfriend (that guy with the sideways Yankee hat but knows nothing about baseball) owns a Mitsubishi Lancer Evo then this rant is for you! As I was walking down College Ave. on the first day of my class that I absolutely hate and wish I could drop but I can’t because my damn schedule is so fucked up, I encountered an intersection. I was transfixed by the herd of students walking alongside me, in front of me, and behind me as I took my first step into the crosswalk. Suddenly, a grey Lancer shot across College Ave. and up Stone St. where I had been crossing. The car just missed hitting us as his unnecessarily loud muffler left a trail of “DOUCHEBAG” behind. My first initial reaction was to destroy the vehicle. However, I was on foot and car vandalism is so 2009. Plus, I realized it’s not the car or driver’s fault that we were almost leveled. There are simply too many students; thus, making crosswalks as occupied as the restrooms at Chipotle. Evos need their speed and the sound of their toy engine to look cool so why blame them? Instead of letting them loiter at intersections and ped x-ings, the Department of Transportation should remove them completely from campus. It’s in the best interest of the vehicles…and the students, of course!
THE OP/ED Wednesday, September 15 , 2010 MEDIUM You Won’t Let The Single Busch Dining Astute Student Me Forget Hall is Satan th
“Wait...tool means what???”
BY: The Cocktopus STAFF ZOMBIE
Another year, another onslaught of retardation via Facebook. For those of you who were out at a BBQ where you roasted hamburger meat in the shape of Osama Bin Laden’s head or whatever, let me inform you what magic you missed. It was September 11th on Saturday, and virtually everyone I know posted “Never Forget” as their status. Never Forget. How can I forget, when you, Johnathan Samsburg, insist on “being patriotic” on the one day a year where every other fucking person does the exact same thing. It was nine years ago. Do you remember how much of a douche bag you were nine years ago? I do. I was 13. I probably got boners every ten minutes and thought I was the only person on Earth who knew what “Stairway to Heaven” was. Seriously, most marriages end before the nine year mark, and I’m tired of all these fucktards bringing up 9/11. I remember how it all went down, too. I was in math class. This Asian girl behind me was being all smart and shit and everyone did that quiet sigh when she spoke up in class about some formula or something. All of a sudden, an announcement comes over the loud speaker, “Attention all Students, Faculty and Staff. An airplane has hit one of the Twin Towers.” Everyone got into this quiet panic. One girl started crying. Naturally, I immediately assumed it was Count Dracula of Transylvania, as he had been making threats for years. Obviously I was right. Sure, it was a tragedy. And yeah, alright, if you lost someone, that sucks pretty bad. Maybe you get the pass then. But Joe Potsmoker has no business with this shit. It’s like saying “HAPPY TURKEY DAY EVERYONE!” on your Facebook status. I’m too busy eating until I throw up my mom’s candied yams to go and check your status and go, “Holy crap, it’s Turkey Day! Thank you, Ryan Rupp!” You will never post a status on Facebook that means anything to anyone, so stop with this shit. America was founded on hating Brits and wanting to drink beer all the time. Let’s get back to that.
Another Student Brown-Noses the Medium...And We Like
Greetings, peons! Welcome to a new year at Rutgers University, the most underfunded school in all of New Jersey. If you aren’t working the night shift as a prostitute in order to afford your books, you will soon enough. Aside from the budgetary shortfalls, Rutgers is a decently nice place to live. Cook/Douglass campus has the nicest scenery, Busch campus has the research facilities, College Ave is the party central, and Livingston houses the kraken which is only unleashed when President McCormick can no longer tolerate all of the scathing criticism deserved of him. On a lighter note, this is my first time writing a column in Das Medium, which, in my professional opinion, is the most honest newspaper in all of Rutgers. I’ve been reading it for 2 years now and it is the only paper to not talk about the absurdly useless hokum from other school newspapers. Let’s just say that if you’re not reading El Medium, you’re probably punching babies and small puppies in the face from the sheer anger of reading everything else. About me, I’m a political science major and will probably go to grad school. So, expect a fair amount of political content from me, along with some random crap related to how much I despise President McCormick, guidos, douchebags, guidodouchebags, my adventures as a relatively quiet person, and other random junk. I’ll probably end up homeless after grad school anyway, so maybe my writing can help me keep some sort of job after Sarah Palin is elected in 2012 and decides that America is at war with penguins.
Yeah, I just said that. That’s all for now, Das Flug
BY: Bending Rodriguez STAFF WRITER
Busch Dining Hall is the worst dining hall ever. If you disagree with me already, that’s cool, but seriously fuck you. Busch is evil simply because it doesn’t have problems which therefore makes it perfect which means it can’t exist. Here is a short, concise list of what I find absolutely reprehensible about a place that I am wholly convinced is the eventual birthplace of the Antichrist. Let’s begin. 1) Everything. Fucking. Works. This is a HUGE issue for those of us who are used to maybe having one juice fountain in operation or the soda machine without any carbonation going into the beverages. At Busch, there are REDUNDANT operational machines that not only dispense the beverages they purport to dispense, but also provide ice without fail. Not only this, the smoothie line is well regulated, the silverware belt isn’t broken beyond repair, and the froyo machine has more than one flavor able to be dispensed. We’re lucky to get froyo soup at Brower any given day. 2) There are multiple people serving you in a non prison like atmosphere While Neilson also has this feature, Neilson has it’s own faults
and doesn’t deserve to be listed because it is a regular dining hall. Busch has multiple people serving the insatiably idiotic student patrons from an open-air market atmosphere that does not feel like you’re eating dinner at Rahway Prison. Brower’s setup suggests that you’re going to be shivved at the slightest provocation while Tillett was probably used as a testing ground for the torture used in the Abu Gharib prison facility. 3) There’s a fucking fireplace in the middle of the eating area No. 4) People who eat there seem to enjoy humanity This by far is the worst transgression of them all. Not only do I hate my fellow man but I also hate people who don’t hate other people DOUBLE. I cannot fathom any possible situation where you could or should tolerate the people at the next table who kindly move their chair in to let me by. It took every fiber of my being not to stab that mild mannered person in their jugular with my clean and wellmaintained fork, which I also found intolerable. In short, what the fuck. In long, what the fuck, Busch Dining Hall. I hate you.
Love. Hate, Retaliate Send in your submissions and see your name in print OPINIONS@ THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM
Wednesday, September 15th, 2010
THE MEDIUM
ARTS “What does the ‘P’ stand for?”
POETRY
L IS FOR THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME
Editor’s Note: This poem was submitted to the Arts page. I told the sender that it wasn’t funny, and he sent back an explaination as to why exactly it is funny. I think it’s better if you read the explanation first. Everyone I’ve shown it to found it really funny... but it is actually written to walk a fine line between being considered serious and making people laugh. I think alot of people might get to the last line before realizing its a joke, but then if they decide to read it again they’ll get most of the jokes. I mean the title is a reference to the gay rights chant “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” and the rest of the poem highlights the melodramatic statements (“Will your children have a chance to laugh and play? NO THEY WON’T, and here’s why” and “When this planet dies we won’t have a spare”) and often exaggerated statistics (“Average temperatures rise by two a year, By 2018 they’ll have doubled you hear, Trillion gallons of oil burned everyday” and then with “Al Gores stillchastising, post Oscars surmising, that the TRUTH was a little too INCONVENIENT for his documentary” [his documentary is called An Inconvenient Truth and he was given and oscar for it and then the oscar was taken away because many of the “facts” were made up.]) And then it’s all wrapped together with the last line punchline in essence repeating the title and calling environmentalists fags. My girlfriend actually didn’t get that it was a joke at first but try reading it again or showing it to someone else on the paper, It’s actually really funny I promise.
This
is my refrigerator
My roommates and I stole this idea from a thing we found on StumbleUpon I think the thing from StumbleUpon was stolen from a design on Threadless
Neil P. Kypers is the Editor-in-Chief of the Daily Targum.
COMICS
We’re Here, We’re Green, Get Used To It Have you heard about pollution... today? What is the solution? Who’s to say? Will your children have a chance to laugh and play? NO THEY WON’T, and here’s why Corporations continue polluting the air, The public sits back with an ignorant stare, When this planet dies we won’t have a spare, But still we continue with a hardly a care, Average temperatures rise by two a year, By 2018 they’ll have doubled you hear, Trillion gallons of oil burned everyday, We must band together to find a new way, The waters are rising, rain forests demising, to me its surprising, Al Gores still chastising, post Oscars surmising, that the truth was a little too inconvenient for his documentary. So who will speak for mother earth? I will... Who will ensure her continuous worth? I will... Who will make his boyfriend wear lamb skin condoms? I will.
send submissions to
arts@themediumonline.com
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS
“When someone asks you if you are a God, you mace that crazy motherfucker and run!”
ROOMIES!! <SHRIEK>
f1R$+ @m3ndm3n+
To my roommate. You knew I was showering and you locked me out of the fucking room, even though my keys are hung up right next to the door. Fuck You! Dear roommate, You have a sex addiction. We have been back 3 weeks and I’ve been sexiled 16 times. Sex is fun, but you are going to catch something. (Stop cuntblocking, and appreciate the fact that she actually sexiles you, unless you want to be part of the action.) My class is at noon bitch. Don’t you ever fuckin wake me up at 7 in the morning just so you can go jogging. (I gotta say, I feel for you. I wish someone would wake me up 4 hours before I need to be up for no apparent reason.)
There is nothing special about this personal except that it involves hummus.
TAKE IT PERSONAL To the male Personals Editor. I heard there was a Dick in your Butkus. Who should I call to get it out? (I would guess the same person you called to remove your testicles from your gooch.) yo tarf. why are you so tarf. its like, you’re tarf, but you’re not tarf. but at the same time, you’re really really tarf. jk, you’re actually tarf. also, tarf. (Are you out of your tarfing mind? Why the tarf would you write some tarf like this?) Dr. K can suck my dick. (Have yo mama teach me how to do it right first...)
I DO NOT FIT IN, BUT YET, I DO. To the dumb bitch in my Theater Appreciation class - Just so you are aware, the world does not revolve around you. There is no need to be rude to the lovely ladies of Brower Takeout. The rules are the rules and like Lil Wayne says, “if the rules ain’t bent, don’t bend ‘em”. That clearly means you can only have one (1) grilled chicken sandwich per swipe. (Oh shitt... shawty whipped out the Weezy on a bitch. For realz though, Brower Power bitches.)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
(There’s something very special about you though.) To the first person that reads this personal. You’re a douchebag. While I was writing this personal, I farted so hard I almost fell off my chair. (Dear Public - You have NO IDEA how much I cringed in the preparation of this section.)
PARKTRAN BITCH! To that guy on the REXL, I know the bus is so fucking crowded but don’t ever go all up on me. I don’t know if that was your fetish or whatever the fuck it was but next time I’m on the bus and you’re coming up to me like I’m some sort of sexual desire I’m gonna kick your ass simple as that. To the LXc. Why do you exist. You are worthless. Give me my L bus back. (Get a bike, and get over it. And did you really just write to an inanimate object???) To parking: how the fuck do you always manage to run out of college ave passes? Now i have to park on douglass and catch a crowded ass f to class. all of my classes are on college avenue. i hate you so much. Girl on the F bus, you really are into your music dancing on your seat in a crowded bus. (Guy on the F bus - you really are into that girl who is into her music. Avert your eyes. Creeper status.) To the idiot freshmen on the F bus talking about how awesome the Resident Evil movies are, not only are you annoying as fuck but you clearly have shitty taste in movies. Go watch some good zombie movies, like the original Dawn of the Dead, and not some dumbass videogame movies. To the girl on the weekend 1. Have you no shame, not standing up for the girl with the crutches? (In her defense, crutch girl could be faking...)
GIVE IT TO ME HARD OH YES! OH YES! OH YES! SEND IT! SEND IT! SENNNND ITTT!
PERSONALS @ THEMEDIUMONLINE.COM SEX AND DRUGS
DAMMMM
Sometimes when I masturbate, I think about puppies. It’s not that I want to have sex with puppies, but it just gets me off for no apparent reason. Don’t judge me. (It’s okay. You’re not alone. There are other disturbed freaks out there in the world.
To the sorostitue who informed me that I parked in her spot on College Ave; I hope you get syphilis. WANTED: fuck buddy for horny brown girl, if not acquired soon many more will become targets of her sexual drunken wrath, no one is safe, not even us girls! one casualty has already occurred and soon to be more if something isn’t done, PLEASE contact her blonde or redhead friend. (Sound the air raid sirens! Horny brown girl on the loose. Seek shelter immediately.)
Legalize Weed! (Okay. Poof! Now it’s legal. Glad I could help.)
SWEET & SOUR LOVE To my boyfriend-I’m glad that we can fart in front of each other now, even though you farted in my face when I was giving you a BJ. And I love when you pull your pants down and make your penis dance when we are brushing our teeth. (I wish you the best of luck in your relationship. Please, never leave each other and make it possible for sane people to encounter you.) Dear ******, Yes, I cheated. You were not enough for me. All you did was treat me like shit and bitch because I didn’t want to kiss your ass. You’re a horrible person, and I hope you get herpes. To my ex: If you seriously want my dick back inside you so bad, why the hell did you get w/ this new guy? Like seriously, break up already so we can go back to our absolutely heavenly fucks. Plus, let’s be honest: not many guys will outperform me
RAN-DUMB
STORY TIME
By Oswaldo Goldbottom Staff Writer
Once upon a time, there was a bunny rabbit named Spencer. His wife was named Deborah. They were in love. They had a traditional bunny rabbit wedding in a carrot patch, where they had carrot cake. It was a wonderous occasion! One day, Deborah secretly went off and joined the bunny CIA. Spencer had no idea, and he went on with his bunny life working at his bunny office. One day, he came home and found an Envelope on his kitchen island with his name on it. It was heavy. When he opened it, tear gas went everywhere, and some mean bunnies put him into a bag and threw him into a wagon, and drove off. When the wagon stopped, the mean bunnies threw Spencer out and told him that he would meet his demise if he didn’t tell them where Deborah was. He knew - or at least thought he knew - she was at her bunny job as a kindergarten teacher, but he was wrong. He refused to tell them. He loved Deborah. Just in the nick of time, Deborah swooped in like a ninja, and tackled the mean bunnies. Spencer thanked her, and they went home and had good bunny sex. The Moral: Write personals or get bullshit like this. personals@themediumonline.com
Here at The Medium, we care about democracy and freedom and titties. Therefore, we are leaving it up to you to vote for your favorites. To give your input send an e-mail to personals@themediumonline.com with SUBJECT: Mediocracy (and while you’re there, send us some personals too). -Dr. K
What is YOUR Favorite Slutty Outfit? Short skirt with flesh colored panties?
Straight Up NUDITY!!!
Extra small tee-shirt & extra large tits with no bra?
Other... You Choose!!!
Olive green turtlenecks? (Oh yeah...)
“A lot of people live inside me.” WTF MAN? W T F?
NO ONE CARES
EMPTY THREATS
To da fucking kid on Busch with the fucking santa hat and fucking gloves on. u look like u just licked both sides of a used condom that was just in ur mamma’s ass. thats right, LOSE THE FUCKING HAT BITCH!
To the person who left an empty bottle of River Horse on the ground of the RAC lot instead of recycling it: you got awesome taste in beer (Lambertville forever), but don’t litter, asshole!
Dear stupid girl in the yellow shirt at Brower, Shut the fuck up! I can hear you cracking your gum from here , and your constant droning about what is and is not “ trashy” is making me want to rip the huge fucking hoops out of your ears and smash your face into the table. Go back to the Hollister clad town you came from and fucking stay there... Or just kill yourself, either would please me.
(He’s on Busch...They’re all fucked up on that campus...and Asian.) To that girl who let me have her seat on the LX when I was delivering papers, I hope you have an amazing life. Seriously, you deserve it. (Holy shit. I thought they all died out and where replaced by skanks and assholes!)
CLASSES To the girl who figured out the Googlewhack in my class; You are a fucking brown-noser, and no one gives a fuck. To the nervous guy who is in my Monday class; I really, really fucking love you. To the girl who fell out of her seat in Intro to Communication; You are awesome. Just saying. Thank you for making my day suck a lot less. To the girl in class who snorted when she laughed; That was probably the most aorable thing I have ever seen. To my Web Design professor; Your accent makes the class even more awesome than it aready is. To the guy who I saw in class tagging himself as some girl’s boob in a facebook picture; Really? What are you, fucking 12? Grow the fuck up. To the kid in my class who was having the gmail chat conversation last week; I agree with your friend, you do look very scruffy. To the kid who sucked down a large Au Bon Pain coffee; Your farts smelled like caramel. I have no idea how that was even possible, but it was really fucking cool. (That should be considered a superpower. Seriously, that is just really awesome.) To the red headed girl in my math class, you really look like a turtle.
THE MEDIUM
PERSONALS
Wednesday, September 15th, 2010
(Who really gives a shit if trash is the natural foilage of New Jersey anyway?) Why the HELL was there chicken in the “vegetarian pot pie” at Neilson on Wednesday? Last time I checked, vegetarian means “no meat”. I’m probably going to wake up at 4 in the morning puking my guts up because the cunts that work at the dining halls can’t speak any goddamned English. Fuck you, Rutgers Dining. FUCK YOU. (Well I hope you do, because you sound like a whiny little bitch.)
BUSES
(Just do what I do; Hope that she gets herpes. Which is what will probably happen anyway.) To the girl in my math cass who dresses like a fucking schoolmarm from the 18th century; Do you realize that you look really fucking retarded? You should probably buy a mirror.
DORMS
To the person who thinks To the fucking assholes someone likes Demarest at Rutgers Public Safety too much: who are you who manage the buses; talking about? There are, You all must either be like, a hundred people completely retarded, or in that dorm who match really, really fucking evil. that very limited descripThey buses are shittier tion. than they have been in (It was probably meant the entire four years that for you anyway.) I have been here. To the girl who kept burpTo the girl who was wear- ing at the floor meeting; ing the NYU sweatshirt; I You are one classy broad. know for a fact, that you To the RA who was singare too damn stupid to ing “Lucy in the Sky with get into that school. Diamonds” the other day; To RBK; Its really not I see that you are setting funny anymore.You had a great example for all of your 15 minutes of fame, us. Way to go. and now I wish that you (Be careful with the RA shit. would just go the fuck They tend to flip a shit when away. people write about them...) To the kids who are try- To the girl who locked ing to get the L bus back; herself in the laundry Good luck with that, be- room in Katzenbach; cause that shit is never How the fuck did you coming back. manage to do that? To the Dennis Rodman To the kid who was sitgirl who I saw on the bus; ting in the louge of I am very happy that you Campbell; You looks exdid not actually graduate actly like Zach Braff, that last year, because whenits actually very frightenever I see you, it really ing... makes me feel a lot betTo the girl in Gibbons; ter. To the Hispanic F bus driv- I have no idea what the er; What the fuck is wrong fuck your problem is, with you?! There is no co- but you seriously need hesive reason to hit the to calm the fuck down. breaks that damn hard that The buses are always most of us go flying all over crowded! Just shut the the fucking bus. Maybe you hell up and deal with it. should lay off the crack Your complaining isn’t before you get behind the going to help it, and your wheel. jacket also looked like an FREE SPACE! 10 POINTS! ugly ass straightjacket.
From the sticky, filthy mind of Spicy Caramel I have no idea what the hell it is with you people, but there where about 12 personals in the inbox this week. Really Rutgers? What the fuck? Did you all die or are you all just that fucking lazy? Come on! How long does it take to write a personal? Put down the joint for 15 seconds and send some shit in! You know you love the personals, because they love you....and without that pesky little rash. personals@themediumonline.com I have no idea why Rutgers isn’t growing weed. We already have enough anyway. We could cure all the cancer in the world just by raiding Clothier and Demarest.
HAPPYFUNTIME To the girl who sat next to me in Orgo: Damn, you were beautiful and I don’t use that word a lot. I felt like Michael Corleone when he saw Apollonia in the Godfather. I’m glad I got to talk to you a bit. (That’s because Italian women are the best thing that have ever happened to the world.) To the guy in my App Research class who sits in the back with the glasses; You have the sexiest looking arms I have ever seen in my life. You are way too damn built to be in the ITI program. To the CSA Boy; You desperately need to get laid or something. I am serious. Even if its with another man, I think you should probably consider doing something. To the girl who said last week that she thinks about sex all of the time; Thanks. To the guy who I am attempting to get to actually start a relationship with; I really hope you do not turn out like your realtives on facebook, because that would just be very, very tragic. (Sometimes its better just not to know certain things. Thank you facebook, thanks.) To the girl who said that she would like to date Justin Bieber; You cannot be fucking serious. To the dude who was shot down by the Asian girl with the purple hair; Its alright. She looked like a troll anyway, and I think you would have regretted that decision.
Does anyone know how to get some mushrooms here? If you do, let me know. Thanks. (Drug deals via the personal section of The Medium! Now we’re actually ccomplishing something!)
VAGUELY GAY To the two guys who text me monthly for a hook up ... I haven’t answered either of you requests to fuck you in the ass with 3 others guys or your random offer of a blow job. Obviously if someone doesn’t respond to you in over a year they are clearly NOT interested so take your slutty ways elsewhere and stop filling up my inbox with you smut. This is slutgers for god’s sake I’m sure you can find another whore to make you bend over. (Stop denying it, you know you want it bad.)
To the guy who I overheard saying that he really likes spending time alone with hus frat brother; You should probably not mention that around too many people. To my co-worker with the two gay roommates, based on how you’ve been acting the last few weeks, I think your roomates are trying to recruit to their gay sex club. To the dude in the Red Lion Cafe who asked his friends if he can possibly get credts if he went to the party on Thursday night; Nice try. The world is in fact, very unfair. To the sexy mo-fo in my class who I see all of the time; I want you to do very, very bad things with me. To my Antropology professor; I think I should let you know that I seriously miss you, because I have yet to find another professor at this schhol who is as completely fucking hot as you where. Please come back. I really miss you.
WHAT’S SHAKIN’
Today, September 15th, 2010
“Watch out for the dirt! It’s coming for yooou!”
Email me! events@themediumonline.com I’m incredibly lonely.
Products for Failures This Week: InstaSlim shirts I understand that men can be just as concerned with their appearance as women. We all worry about looking good to others. But the mere existence of the InstaSlim shirt both horrifies and greatly amuses me. The purpose of this shirt is to rearrange some extra pounds on a guy and make him look thinner. It’s basically a man girdle. Not only is the entire concept absurd but so it the logic surrounding it. What happens when the guy’s new trimmed down physique attracts a real girl? How upset is she gonna be while taking that Insta Slim off? Does the guy wear it every single day? Don’t people notice when he’s 20 pounds heavier in his bathing suit? Like most products, the commercial is what makes it. A Rob Lowe knockoff complains that before he got Spanx for men, he wasn’t making any sales at work. Now he’s a respectable buinessman because he’s so thin and confident (because thin equals more money). The ad also mentions that the shirt comes in sizes small to XXXL. Here’s a tip: if you get the shirt in small, you don’t need it. And if you buy it in XXXL, it’s not gonna help.
Yeah, you want him
Spoiler Alert!
Inception Bruce Willis is dead the whole time.
The Usual Suspects Brad Pitt is just Edward Norton’s split personality.
LOST My friend actually spoiled the end of Lost when I was only on the second season. Fuck that kid. Just, fuck him.