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THE DAILY MEDIUM S E RV I N G
T H E
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RU T G E R S
C O M M U N I T Y
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WEDNESDAY APRIL 1, 2009
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BATMAN: THE SCARLET KNIGHT
The Rutgers Baseball Team looks to Kyle Richards’ bat for runs going into Friday’s game versus St. John’s in Queens, NY.
RUPD K-9 Unit to Search Dorms Weekly BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
The Rutgers University Police Department has released a memo to all Housing and Residence Life offices concerning the K-9 Unit drug search pilot program that was conducted overSpring Break and will now be a weekly occurrence by RUPD Officers. The force used trained drug dogs to identify illicit substances in every residence hall. They were not, however, able to search any rooms to verify the contraband due to a lack of warrants from the Middlesex County Court. “We had been receiving quite a few anonymous tip offs in the weeks preceding Spring Break. We know that extensive drug use is rampant across the five campuses, especially marijuana, so we decided to nip the problem in the
bud – no pun intended,” commented the Chief of Police, Sergeant Rhonda Harris. “It’s quite a large list of rooms and implicated names. At this point, we are still processing everything, but we should be able to acquire warrants and make some arrests over the next few days.” The K-9 pilot program started after students moved out of the dorms and the results were reportedly “outstanding.” By the end of the program, the dogs had identified approximately 120 rooms as targets for undercover sting operations. The Board of Governors has not elaborated on the academic consequences for all students involved. President McCormick, however, is pushing for expulsion. “Marijuana is illegal, and that’s the
Rufus is the newest addition to RUPD’s war on drugs. bottom line. Allowing convicted drug offenders to remain in an institution of this caliber would be grossly irresponsible,” said McCormick on Monday.
If you feel that your rights have been violated in any way, the Centurion welcomes all submissions, regardless of your faculty of the English language.
U. Considers Discontinuing REXL, REXB Routes BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
The new T-REX Bus in action on College Ave.
INDEX UNIVERSITY President Richard McCormick expected to lower drinking age on campus to 20 1/2 soon.
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SEE BUSES ON PAGE 4
Grease Trucks to Merge with Dining Services BY BENDING RODRIGUEZ STAFF WRITER
UNIVERSITY . . . . . . . . 3
Last week, the Rutgers Department of Transportation sponsored a transportaion forum that was open to all students who wanted to offer their opinions on transportation at the University. While many of the changes centered around the Greening of College Ave, a plan to drastically alter certain bus routes was hardly noticed at all. According to Transportation Director Steven Rich, the two REX bus lines (REX-L and REX-B) will no longer make stops between Livingston-Douglass and BuschDouglass respectively.
Instead, these buses will be formed into the T-REX bus line which will officially connect the New Brunswick Campus with the newly formed Trenton Campus. “As you know, I have always wanted Rutgers to expand its reach and influence in New Jersey and what better way to do that then to bring New Jersey’s Capitol into the academic family?” President McCormick told reporters yesterday. “ Tr e n t o n c a n o ff e r m a n y n e w perspectives on education that we might have missed at our other campuses.” President Richard McCormick’s
RU Dining Services finalized plans to merge the existing dining hall facilities with the Grease Trucks located on the corner of College Ave. and Hamilton Street marking a paradigm shift in the way students eat their meals on a daily basis. “ We n o t i c e d h o w popular the Grease Trucks were among students so we entered a profit sharing cooperative partnership based
on financially credible avenues for revenue retention,” said Dining Services Administrator Diane Tomlinson. “We are ecstatic to pursue this venture for potential mergers in the future and hope our fellow team members share the same enthusiasm!” A representative from the RU Hungry Truck said “Did you order this Darrell or not? I have a Fat Beech here! Anyone Fat Beech? Five fifty sir. Keep the change?” As a result of the
Artist’s rendition of Robeson Dining Hall multi-million dollar merger, to Gandolfini Commons after the Grease Trucks will all be the famous alumni with the renamed in the traditional way same name. as the other dining halls like While University Brower and Tillet. officials applaud this merger, “Mr. C’s will now be some students expressed their known as Robeson Dining Hall SEE GREASE ON PAGE 4 while RU Hungry will change
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EDITORIAL DIRECTORY
Editor-in-Chief Colin Fong
Managing Editor John Bender News Desk Sports Desk Opinions Desk Desktroy! Girls Desk
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2009 THE MEDIUM The Medium is a student run publication that was founded in 1079 and is based in New Brunswick. Come to a weekly meeting every Wednesday at 9:30pm in the Busch Student Center room 115. You can also come to production every Sunday and Monday night at 6pm, in Room 439 at the College Ave. Student center. Send all submissions to themedium.net. Send all heads of horses to Jack Woltz c/o Don Corleone. The writers of this paper do not necessarily agree with their own views. The Medium is printed on 10% recycled Targum articles. The Medium has a circulation comparable to The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, and The Scarsdale Penny Power Saver Coupon book. CORECTIONS The Editors at The Medium are always aware that people make mistakes and are weak as a result.
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COLIN “THE HAIR” FONG . . . . EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JOHN “JEEBS” BENDER . . MANAGING EDITOR ABE “BRO” STANWAY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . NEWS EDITOR KEITH “HEY GUY” LAWRENCE . . FEATURES EDITOR CARMELLA “LOOPY” LUCZAK . . .OPINIONS EDITOR REVEN “SABOTAGE” MACQUEEN. . . . . ARTS EDITOR KAITIE “BERZERKER” DAIVIS . . PERSONALS EDITOR DAVE “GUY” IMBRIACO . . . . . . . PERSONALS EDITOR MIKE “COCKBAG” VUONO . . . . . . . . EVENTS EDITOR JOHNNY “5” CHALLENGER. . . . . . . . . SPORTS EDITOR A “NO NAME” HORSE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SPORTS EDITOR BUSINESS DEPARTMENT GARY “KLASSIC KONTROLLER” KLIMOWICZ . . . . <3 NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS DEPARTMENT HELEN “WHORE TEASE” ORTIZ. . . . . . STAFF WRITER PAUL “STILL ALIVE” WINTERS . . . . . . . . WEBMASTER BARBARA “M-16” REED . . . . . . . . . FACULTY ADVISOR THE SNAKE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . STAFF MISSING PERSON KATIE RUSSIAN . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . STAFF ARTIST
It’s Wednesday...do you know what you’re doing this weekend?
If not, join RUPA for a free session at the Busch Student Center Multipurpose Room and meet other likeminded losers! 8:30 this Friday. Refreshments will be served.
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UNIVERSITY
Princeton Review Ranks Louis Brown Athletic Center 12th Ugliest Collegiate Building BY GIRL PERSONALS EDITOR PERSONALS EDITOR
A recent report from the Princeton Review has placed the Louis Brown Athletic Center at number 12 in their annual report of the ugliest university buildings in the country. The report takes many factors into consideration when generating its rankings, including age of the building, dilapidation, architectural idiocy, vomit producing capabilities, and fear inducement. The arena, completed in 1977 is truly a building that stands out amongst the other edifices on Livingston campus—a lot of that having to do with the fact that it was built far away from anything else. “The RAC” was placed right behind the University of
Pittsburgh trash incinerator (10) and the Stanford University Port Authority bus terminal (11). While President McCormick appeared pleased at a press conference regarding the ranking, he believes there is still room to move up. “It’s been a point of pride to say that we can instill sheer horror into our opponents just by looking at our home court.” McCormick has spoken of treating the outer walls with acid-rain pressure washers, removing the one wildflower that has mistakenly sprouted on the premises, and employing student volunteers to texturize the walls with jackhammers. “It’s great knowing that we have the distinction of having an arena that’s equally loud on the outside as it is on the inside.”
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SCILS changes name to SKILLZZ, Enrollment Skyrockets
The Jabbawockeez immediately take advantage of the new course offerings. BY SPICY CARAMEL OPINIONS EDITOR
After several weeks of deliberation, SCILS (School of Communication, Information and Library Science) has announced intentions to change its name to SKILLZZ in response to declining enrollment rates.
Currently dominated by creepy old men who stalk you on Facebook, the school aims to target the younger “urban” crowd. Dr. Steven Miller, Professor of Urban Media, said, “Well, this is New Jersey. The new name will eventually appeal to some of those inner
city and thug kids. We have a lot of those! By changing our name from SCILS to SKILLZZ, we want to let them know that they are welcome here at Rutgers.” The Jabbawockeez, after hearing the news, immediately matriculated into SKILLZZ with hopes of advancing their degrees.
“Study A Broad” Program a Hit Among Undergraduates BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
Designed specifically for engineers and other majors where the ratio of pussy to grades is inversely proportional, the “Study A Broad” program has once again proven its popularity this semester as enrollment for next year reaches record highs. F i r s t i n t r oduced two years ago, the “Study A Broad” program pairs lonely science majors with busty broads for a semester, and encourages “socialization and fornication” among its participants. “I’ve really had a fantastic time with it so far,” remarked Kirk Snyder, a freshman studying Mechanical Engineer-
ing. “It’s been three months, and I’ve already said five words to my broad. Without this opportunity, I never would be able to check girls out without the inherent stigma of creepiness that I always seem to exude.” The male participants, of course, aren’t the only ones having a good time. “I just really enjoy these kids. It gives me a sense of civic duty, that I’m doing the right thing with my life,” said senior broad Nicole Lence. If you are interested in applying for the “Study A Broad” program next year, you’d better act quickly, as spots are quickly filling up. Required application materials include a photograph,
your most recent transcript, and a 500 word essay on the topic, “What the Shocker
Means to Me.” The application deadline for the fall semester is May 1st.
One of the broads available for study
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UNIVERSITY
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Rutgers Student Confederacy Secedes From Rutgers Student Union BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
After a heated debate last night, a small group of Rutgers students voted to officially secede from the Rutgers Student Union and form the Rutgers Student Confederacy with the goal of increasing students right to representation among students in groups advocating student rights. “I do say, this is coming as a last resort for me and my fellow students” said RSC chairman Robby Lee. “Maybe if the RSU was more lenient towards allowing us to have certain students slave over our work, this could have been avoided.” While the exact reasons for this fracture are not fully understood yet, it can be assumed that the RSU denied the motion to give groups like the Paul Robeson Interest group and the Association of Black Journalists only 3/5ths the representation on RUSA votes in order to “maintain a balance” in the organization.
BUS: T-REX to go
to Rutgers Trenton Campus, Ghetto
continued from front tenure at Rutgers has been marked by multiple expansion projects such as Jersey Roots, Global Reach and the Stadium Expansion project. Similarly, Rutgers has also had a history of expanding, adding Newark and Camden Campuses to New Brunswick despite those cities not necessary being the safest or cleanest in New Jersey. Since New Brunswick has become a relatively decent
In addition to this, the motion also had called for half of the student body to become “paperwork fieldhands” and spend the majority of their days picking the fonts out of the field by hand and working them through a computer gin. Naturally, this motion met fierce resistance by the RU Republicans whose president Abe Linkin said “A house divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this government cannot endure permanently half slave and half free. I do not expect the Union to be dissolved; I do not expect the house to fall; but I do expect that it will cease to be divided.” Abe then added, “Also guys, come on! I really have to finish a paper so can you just stop messing around?” “Please?” Immediately after the vote to secede was approved, the Confederacy took over the Fort Sumter conference room and remained there until RUPD officer Ulysses Grant arrested the leaders and secured a confession at RUPD’s Appomattox Court.
city, however, Rutgers needed a new developing urban area to build upon. “If you take a good look at Trenton and I mean a really good look,” said Deputy Mayor Greg Holden, “you would probably need a tetanus shot.” As of right now, the Trenton Campus will be used as housing for students on the over-crowed New Brunswick campus but soon it will be the site of the new “Rutgers Stadium City” expansion project. Expect the T-REX line to be in service roughly around the same time Rutgers is regarded as a prestigious college in the Northeast.
GREASE: Keep the change, sir?
continued from front dislike with the new system. “[Fat Sandwiches] used to cost $5.50 but now that they are equal to a meal swipe, they cost about $10!” said Arts and Science Sophomore Dan Green. “That’s a freaking 100% increase in cost!” While this deal cost Rutgers $76 million, the University will make the money back by 2034 at the soonest which will coincide with the new Stadium expansion scheduled for the ’35-’36 season.
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TV Advertising Seminar! How to sell your dignity and make a million dollars
Learn techniques used by many famous TV infomercial men such as Billy Mays, Vince the prostitute beater and that freecreditreport.com guy. Rutgers Student Center Multipurpose Room April 5 6pm visit www.shamcreditreport.com for more details
Catholic Center Bans Sex in/on Catholic Center BY BENDING RODRIGUEZ MANAGING EDITOR
The Catholic Center at Rutgers University is known for offering students a quiet place to study during finals as well as a friendly atmosphere for those who want to just have a good time with kind people. Yesterday, however, they were forced to make an official anti-sex statement in light of the Pope’s recent condoms preventing AIDS stance. “I regret to say that we will no longer tolerate people having sex on our front yard as well as inside our chapel” said Deacon Greg Richards. “Also off limits is our altar, the Bible stand, the Eucharist container, the…” Deacon Richards proceeded to list an additional 230 places around campus that the Center frowned upon for fornication purposes. This move comes as a shock to many Rutgers students who were used to bumping and grinding in every square inch of the building. “Man, where am I going to have sex with my girl
on the side when I’m avoiding my real girlfriend?” said SAS Freshman Tony Koch. “Shit, and I’m a priest in training! This is the last year I can have sex with females that are of legal age! Fuck my life…” The Pope has been criticized for his recent stance on the AIDS epidemic in Africa by claiming condoms would not help solve the problem. Because of zero Trojans flowing into the continent, sales have skyrocketed here in the United States. “What better way to say ‘fuck you’ then to have as much privileged sex as possible with absolutely no risk of disease or pregnancy?” said Rutgers College Senior Mary Ling. “I just recently went to the KSA ‘Fuck a Yellow Cunt’ Night and let me tell you, I don’t remember a single person there!” According to Rutgers Student Sex Services, the only sacrilegious place to have sex is now the Chabad House and Hillel, both conveniently located on College Ave.
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Blowjob “Food Stamp Diet” Growing in Popularity Backfires BY SATANIC YODA PERSONALS EDITOR
BY JAMES E.
FRATERNITY CORRESPONDENT
A f t e r T h u r s d a y ’s party at Phi Kappa Tau, an unidentified frat boy reportedly shoved the head of a blondehaired broad all the way down to the base of his freshly shaved genitals, whereupon his groin area was immediately coated with a generous amount of vodka, bile, and digested Brower takeout. “I saw the whole thing happen,” remarked an innocent bystander. “It looked like some pretty solid dome, but I think douchebag over there got a bit too greedy.” Phi Tau’s pledge class of 2009 was then forced to clean up the mess, and collectively hook up with the still-dripping girl. The Rutgers Interfraternity Council will be investigating the matter in the following weeks. In the meantime, they have instituted safeguard procedures that would ensure every future blowjob proceeds smoothly without a hitch. “We always have your balls in mind,” assured RIFC president, Dean Nazario.
The current economic crisis has forced newly made poor people to cut costs wherever they can. One of these areas is how they feed themselves. Instead of resorting to eating shit, garbage and tree bark, overweight poor people across America are turning to the newest diet fad: the Food Stamp Diet. Following in the footsteps of Atkins and South Beach Diet before, the Food Stamp diet seeks to help people stay healthy and lose weight by telling people what they can and cannot eat. Instead of counting “points”, Food Stamp Dieters stay to their strict regimen of food stamps to encourage weight loss. Some underprivileged youth have taken the “food stamp diet” to an extreme, consuming the actual paper food stamps. This practice has been dubbed on the streets by said youth as “ghetto matzo.” Exercise is also encouraged, and one way to lose weight according to the US Food Stamp Program is to take daily walks to and from your local unemployment insurance
office and to stand up for as long as you can in line for said benefits. Officials also noted that you could do the same while you’re applying to jobs that you won’t get. Some in government are very critical of the new government-sponsored attempt at helping poor people stay in good health. Republican Senator John McDouchebag decried the Food Stamp Diet as “needless government interven-
tion in the lives of American citizens.” “Let those suckers starve,” he said. “Think of all the money we can save and give to ourselves in the form of bank bailou-I mean, rescue plans.” One of these “suckers” didn’t share the Senator’s feelings about the program. “This shit sucks. It makes me look fondly upon the days where I was 400 pounds and had a minimum-wage job,” commented Byron Jackson, now 100 pounds and shrinking. In-
cidentally, after his interview with Medium reporters, he was rushed to a hospital pronounced dead on arrival from sodium poisoning and malnutrition. Others are much more optimistic. Recovering drug addict and ex-hooker Rihanna LeBitch told reporters, “A slice of bread is much more fulfilling than a bowl of jizz for breakfast. I would know. I lived on that shit for almost a month, and got next to no crack for it.”
FDA Approves Snozzberries for Rec. Usage BY ABA SABABA NEWS EDITOR
Washington, D.C. - After extensive lobbying by offcampus organizations, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has declared snozzberries to be “safe for human consumption” and has started approving licenses for retailers to sell
snozzberries and snozzberryrelated products over the counter to adults over the age of 18. The legislation was supposedly passed as a lastditch effort to bring America out of the current recession. Snozzberries are currently Schedule I drugs, on par with heroin and cocaine.
A “Snozzbro” proudly displays his afternoon treat.
According to a recent Gallup poll, the snozzberry industry has the potential to exceed $3.2 billion each year due its “incredible black market popularity among American citizens.” Willy Wonka, CEO of Wonka, LLC, thinks otherwise. “People think they can just eat snozzberries as they please,
without negative health consequences,” said the candy magnate. “Snozzberries today are stronger than they’ve ever been,” he insisted, referencing the sixties when everyone and their mother “dropped berries” on a daily basis. Industry expert Kurt Sativa also posited that today’s snozzberries “definitely do not taste like snozzberries [of the past].” Wonka has, however, announced that his company will immediately begin research and development on snozzberry food items, and despite widespread controversy, he will absolutely market them to children. While Congress may have based its decision on the past, many young adults are embracing the future. Generally between the ages of 18-25, these “snozzbros” have had to “go berrying” in secrecy, away from the arm of the law. “It’s like, totally baller, man. Snozzberries are just plants, you know. They should
never have been illegal in the first place,” remarked Cornelius Brown, a prominent snozzberry activist. “Now, berry-bumpers everywhere can finally schnozz in public instead of hiding like Frodo from the Ringwraiths.” Consumers can expect to see snozzberry products on store shelves gradually over the coming months. If Congress is correct, many retailers will jump on the snozzbandwagon and generate much-needed revenue. It is unclear if this measure will fully rectify the ailing economy, althouth Congressmen remain hopeful. “At this point, we just needed to get something done, something tangible, something that would make America sit back and say, ‘Finally. Some goddamned progress.’ This decision might have been a bit hasty, but as there are no reported health benefits of snozzberries, we feel that we made the right choice today,” remarked Congressman Phillips, D-NM.
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WORLD NEWS
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Clearview Cinemas Unveil Theater 2.0 BY ZAYIN GADOL NEWS EDITOR
PEORIA – Industry experts are saying it’s the newest youth trend. Young adults are saying they can’t get enough of it. In a bold move yesterday, Clearview Cinemas made public their newest take on movie theaters – the laptop sit-in. “With the college age demographic continuing to display their acute desire for [and subsequent acquisition of] personal laptop computers, we at Clearview believe it is necessary to embrace the future with open arms…It is with this philosophy that we have established ‘laptop sit-in’ theaters,” remarked Jim Stokes, CEO. “Our new theaters cater to the masses. We allow them to be immersed in a real theater setting while streaming the latest blockbusters right to their laptops over an in house WiFi.” “It’s pretty cool, man, just what I want as a white person. My Mac goes great with the theater décor,” exclaimed a wierd dude named Ian. “There’s really no way right now to say ‘I’m a faggot and I’m better than you’ when going to the movies, and Theater 2.0 really fixes that.”
Joe Biden Wandering Around White House, Bored BY BENDING RODRIGUEZ MANAGING EDITOR
Washington, D.C. — For the 68th consecutive day in a row, Vice-President Joe Biden has had absolutely nothing to do around the White House. “The President hasn’t authorized me to do anything and everyone is busy with this economic recession,” said the Vice-President as he absent-mindedly doodled on a
Sudoku grid. “I just want to go somewhere other than this god damn place.” Since all eyes of the world are on President Obama and his handling of the historical economic bailout, Biden has been able to get away with hundreds of thousands of crimes from simple street robbery to launching nuclear warheads at Mars. Estimated damages from all of these crimes still
does not have a word to describe how much money has been lost although a team of numerologists have offered “Frooglepoopillion Dollars” as a temporary basis of measurement. “It’s so sad because normally the Senate would intentionally deadlock a vote on naming a new highway or post office in Indiana just to give the VP a sense of purpose,” explained Senator Barbara
Boxer (D-California). “But we’ve been so busy with this stimulus package, we haven’t had time to hang out with Joe Blow [Biden]. I wish he was blasting rhetoric out of his overinflated head right now. Poor little guy.” Biden is expected to make a trip to the White House kitchen tonight to make a bowl of Easy-Mac before settling in for a midnight showing of “Miss Congeniality.”
Mr. Biden is always in good spirits.
Japan is Still a Horrible Place BY CAL EN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Tokyo —While most people identify Japan with ninja, samurai, and robots, what Japan is rapidly becoming master of is the master of suicide. There is a place in Japan called Aokigahara Forest. Also known as the suicide forest, people that want to commit suicide can walk into the dense tangle of trees never to be seen again. The Japanese government has actually declared the suicide rates a national priority and aims to reduce suicides by 20% by 2016. The situation isn’t getting better, however, as the current economic downturn just serves to drive more people to
commit suicide. You have heard this right; these people actually have a designated forest for committing suicide, and they commit suicide so often that the government has actually designated it a national priority. Many experts question how a nation with such a ready supply of girls’ panties via vending machine can bring themselves to leave such a wondrous place with the final ending of suicide, but the Japanese people are incomprehensible to normal means. While most people that have witnessed tentacle porn will know that these people are not normal, a deeper look into their disgusting psyches will reveal further perversions that will terrify those of a weak constitution.
M EDIUM
April 1st,
Why have you decided to attend Rutgers, I mean...really? Gaye Barr - Grocery Clerk Major “Cause of all the wild parties...that I’m not invited to yet”
I got rejected from Middlesex Community College. DeVry said I was too retarded and the University of Phoenix Online wouldn’t take my credits from ITT Tech. So yeah, Rutgers was my only choice
Fred Savage Homeless Man “Rutgers gives me the perfect chance to hawk loogies at teenagers and harass them on the bus and make them feel uncomforabtle”
Paul Winters - Dennis Rodman impersonator “They gave me a scholarship and begged me to join to the woman’s basketball team”
Dick Swett - Eighth year senior - cause he has other shit to do
CAMPUS TALK - IF YOU CARE
Which way does RU sway? Apparently, the gay way.
$25.16
The approximate cost Rutgers makes on your tears and misery.
525,600 100 The number of students who are gay because they get this reference.
The percentage of students who do not give a shit about the Pendulum
Joy Rider - Undeclared “Hey, I think that...ummm... ummm....yea. Isn’t today like pie day or something Tim Swanson Montclair “I don’t even go here. Who are you guys? Stop asking me the same question over and over. No, I’m not the Shamwow guy.”
Pussy…no doubt about it
Academic Environment 5% Cause I'm a minority :( 21%
Fencing…no wait FOOOOOTTTTTBBBBAALLLLL LLLL!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait…What?
Pussy 11%
I don't even go here 17%
FOOOOOTTTTTBBB BAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! !!!!! 32%
Cause it's an academic environment…ahh who are am I kidding I don't even go here, quit asking me that
Wait…What? 14%
GO
Cause I'm a minority :(
FUCK
YOUR
MOTHER
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OPINIONS
8 EDITORIALS
Solution to School Shootings: Don’t let bullets hit you (with bullets)
The Fiscal Stimulus Plan You’re almost there! I know it! Just a little bit more! Barack, it’s not working.
I
heard that college shootings are bad and commonplace. I don’t really get it, but I’ll try and throw my two cents’ worth into this ring of valor. My understanding is that getting hit with a bullet in a area that will kill you is the problem, but if you don’t get hit, then there is no problem. The solution is simple, prevent shooters from hitting people in critical locations. I saw a movie a little while ago, you may or may not have heard of it, called “The Matrix”. In this film the eponymous protagonist, Mr. Matrix, dodges the bullets shot by the nefarious agents while the camera pans around him in a full 360-degree shot. I have practiced, and am certain I can now do it. I would love to share my mastery of this ability with the rest of the school, especially in the name of stopping the big problem of school shootings. However, my services will not be cheap. As it took me many a weekend to master this technique, I will require at least a barrel of raw hot-dogs to be delivered to my dorm room every day for one week. I also wish to borrow a grill for a week. LOLRELS AND DARTS
R
ecently, the United Nations has opened their doors to the filming of an episode that aired on Tuesday. The episode featured child soldiers and conflict in Africa. However, it cast a negative light on the war in Sudan. This is unacceptable, as the child soldiers are doing their best to fight the good fight over there, and now east-coast liberals like the UN and NBC think they can shed light on their day-to-day struggles? Darts to the UN and NBC for this shameful behavior.
O
bama is still black, and we’re still in a recession. I heard that on Rush Limbaugh’s show. Darts to him until he goes back to the cotton fields.
T
he UN shows up again: they have recently put together a tribunal to try former Khmer Rouge prison chief Kaing Guek Eav aka “Duch” for the killings of over 15,000 men, women, and children. Lolrels to Duch for killing so many of these dirty zipperheads. May they rot in hell, if they even have souls.
A
California plant recently recalled over a million pounds of pistachios because of a salmonella threat. Lolrels to God for poisoning this disgusting and unnatural nut from the land of immorality.
T
he Daily Targum deserves no more money and it has been immensely fun to watch them squirm after their funding was cut. Suck it up bitches! We get about 1/16th of your money and $0 in AD revenue. Plus, you wouldn’t give us a copy of the Pendulum for our spoof. Diggedy-DART to The Targum
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You know what the biggest tragedy of the Darfur Genocide was? 400,000 people never got the chance to see Garden State.” Zach Braff, on black people
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Hazing: Busting Myths and Busting Nuts
his week, Of course, I’d like to although all roads discuss the lead to Rome, not all common misconcephazing leads to brothtion that frat boys are erhood. Frat boys “cum guzzling, turd are much more than MICHAEL PADLOCKE munching, lemon friends – our relationpartying, meat spinships can be equated ning clusterfucks.” More specifically, I’d to the highest levels of “brotherly love” known like to debunk the myth that these qualito man. You can call it “bro love,” if you want. ties overtly manifest themselves during My fraternity in particular puts the “bro” hazing activities towards new pledges. in brotherhood, because we emphasize building Hazing, to me, is a way of life. You solid bonds between members through the use of know all those profoundly large black dildos. As I like to poignant mottos and mission say, your friends know your statements that every fraterpersonality on the inside, nity likes to peddle around? but only your brothers know Without hazing, no pledge your asshole on the inside. would ever be able to exhibit Regardless of all these any of those qualities. Traits great impeti, I always hear like modesty, chivalry totime and time again that wards women, or being able hazing is that main deterrent to shotgun a keg would be refrom fraternities; I can’t tell markably absent from the frayou how many times I’ve ternity community at large. heard freshman say, “I’d If George Bush hadn’t been hazed at pledge, but I just don’t have the time - and by ‘I Yale, do you think he ever would have thought don’t have the time,’ I mean I don’t want to get of uniting the men of Iraq and America hazed up the ass.” My answer: don’t knock it through waterboarding? I could go on and on ‘till you try it. – Abu-Ghraib wasn’t torture, folks, although Michael Padlocke is a fucking idiot, and the traditional media outlets would have you beTargum only prints this column because of lieve so. The prison guards there just saw how budget limitations. He is not looking for a unhappy the inmates were, and proactively significant other at this point in time, and decided to instill brotherhood among them always welcomes fanmail. by repeatedly electrocuting their nipples.
Fraternity Forum
“Your friends know your personality on the inside, but only your brothers know your asshole on the inside.”
THE MEDIUM WELCOMES LETTERS TO THE EDITOR AND COMMENTARIES FROM ALL READERS
Due to not having any space limitations, submissions can be any length you want. If a commentary exceeds 750 words, you will probably be the next editor. All authors must include a pen name to be printed, or else we’ll give you one you might not like, or even use your real name. Anonymous letters will be printed, though we’ll probably comment it to shit because you were too much of a pussy to include your name. All submissions are subject to editing for length, clarity, and humor. A submission absolutely guarantees publication. Please submit via e-mail to opinions@themedium.net. The editorials written above represent all, some, or none of the opinions of The Medium Editorial Board. All other opinions expressed on the Opinions page, and those held by advertisers, columnists and cartoonists are not necessarily those of The Medium, so go fuck yourself if you’ve got a problem with them.
OPINIONS
T HE D AILY M EDIUM
The Educational Supeeriooritee of Fraternititties
W
hile many of you have read my well educated and “Fair and Balanced” column over the past semester (or has it been two semesters, ahhhh, fuck bro I can’t remember) some of you still don’t believe the good points of being in a fraternity. I will try to convince you one last time with this column. My starting points in this column will be that: a. fraternities are awesome. b. fraternities are really fucking cool. ! It is a scientific fact that fraternity students are better than non-fraternity students. In studies run by students in my fraternity, it was found that frat guys are “totally cool in every fucking way.” Though exhaustive research, it has been found that a steady pharmaceutical influence of marijuana, alcohol and cocaine (and roofies in the chicks drinks at all our parties) helps boost GPA. (Note: GPA was raised from a 1.24 to a 1.25 in 3% of participants) Additionally, to fraternities, edumacation is totally important and shit. Frats give out thousands of dollars every year in scholarships to its members. Two thousand dollars to be exact. Yes, not even enough money to pay for one semester of schooling here at Rutgers. But at least it’s the thought that counts, not that I even know what a thought is, but, you know, ha ha. To sum up the importance of education, if you have
Fag-ternity Forum
Rutgers Kitten Club? RU Foot Fetish Association? The MediMICHAEL COMBOLOCKE um? Fuck that! Speaking of Rum and Salsa, ever overheard a conversation between two frat boys, or lis- who else but fraternities protened to a frat boy talking on long ethnic stereotypes of difhis cell phone on the bus, you’ll ferent racial groups? Anyone know that education is the one who has seen a flyer for any fraternity event knows for a fact thing on his mind. What sets fraternities apart that all Latino men eat nothing but salsa, from faggots drink nothis that while ing but we do comrum, dress munity serup in feathvice, we have ers and war Greek letters paint and on our sweatcarry mashirts, and chetes with that makes them at all all the diftimes. And ference. Bethanks to cause those the “ice cold brothers” and letters make your volunteering “cool as ice” men of the Alwork all cool and shit. Also, I think, the letters make every pha Beta chapter of the Delta dollar we earn worth more than whatever fraternity, we know what a regular person brings in that all African American men love dancing and drinking and to the university. And feminists, you “getting crunk.” One fraternity, want sexual equality? How do however, takes it a little too far you walking tit machines feel - the Latino Engineering fraabout a sexy blonde with a bot- ternity naturally continues to tle of Grey Goose in each hand promote offensive stereotypes. beckoning all men to come to Being an engineer is a terrible the Alpha Chi before post after stereotype to be held to, and I event dinner after party stapled would not want to be in their to every bus stop? These events shoes. Even more important are important to the function of the university. What other fli- than booze, drugs and sex to ers do you think would clutter frat guys is brotherhood. I help the bulletin boards of Rutgers my community, I will help if fraternities weren’t around? anyone that I see on the street,
“Just because you have sex with men does not at all make you gay”
I’d like some cheese with my whine
I
Just the Faqs
went to the stadium to see the game and no one made any room for me :( . I couldn’t see the game and I was so sad. Boo booo wah wah wah.. Also, my friend had a tummy ache and they gave that skank a pregnancy test. It made me so mad because I was treated unfair and no one helped me. No one told me I had to make an appointment or that D/C has the worst Health Center. >.< Wah wah wah.. Boo Hoo Hoo. The Rutgers Buses aren’t efficient, oh, wait a minute, maybe they are. Yes, the EE and F buses are efficient; no, that was not a retraction in my section. Yeah, that’s right, because I’m never wrong. :P Instead of doing what every normal girl does for Halloween I was a lesbian, but every one made fun of me and called me a stupid skater girl. Waaaaaaaah,
stop listening to Chris Brown’s music and start listening to mine, and also, how come I don’t have a million dollars. It’s all just ANNA NAUSEA unfair. *.*. And did you know that when I wrote Booooohoooooo. I had a peamy whole section for you on nut butter and banana sandMonday but Rutgers closed I wich, and I’m a triathlon athwas so mad, there wasn’t even lete, (yeah... riiight), and it’s a a lot of snow and everyone lot of calories, but I need them could have come to campus right, but I might get fat. I’m to read my section but now no thinking I should diet, wait, one did. I’m so sad. Is anyone maybe I should just die and out there. Boooooooooooo not have to be afraid of my Hooooooooooo. food anymore. Waaaah wahhhh waaaaah. And how come no one is listening to me, why is everyone interested Anna Nausea whines on and in Chris Brown and Rihanna, how come when I get slapped on about the dumbest shit. around and beaten no one pays She also does other stuff any attention to me. Boooo that other females don’t do. hooo *tear*, *tiniest violin Hahaha misogyny is superplaying*. I think we should duper funny.
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9
Strange New Threat From Beyond?
Letter
T
he United States won the Space Race with Soviet Russia about 40 years ago, but after visiting six times, we stopped in 1972. The question, therefore, is WHY? Why did the world’s greatest power stop sending manned missions to the moon? The answer, of course is space goblins. As assuredly FEMA works to kill 90% of the population and herd the rest into concentration camps, do space goblins exist. The “Moon landings” were actually troop landings of Apollo astronauts in an attempt to kill and colonize the indigenous space goblin population. They failed. The invasion was a counter-attack against the space goblins that have been attacking the world for centuries. An earlier program, “Starfish
as long as he is a member of my fraternity, and he isn’t a pledge. I believe that I not only speak for myself, but for all members of fraternities on this point. Being in a fraternity gives you the edge in networking and finding a job as well. Anyone who was a frat boy in college will automatically be handed a job regardless of grades received throughout
Prime”, undertaken by the government in order to do “high-altitude nuclear testing” was actually an interception of a space goblin invasion fleet with a nuclear missile defense system, later when our great president Ronald Reagan attempted to upgrade it to a laser system, he was made fun of for his “Star Wars” system. However, the liberals and the whore that dared to stand up to him will be the first to be devoured by the thousand screaming legions of space goblins that will decend upon us from the moon, because our new President Obama refuses to acknowledge the threat of goblin invasion. Of course, these points are moot because FEMA’s going to kill us all.
Paul Zuckerman is a New Brunswick resident.
college. Anyone with some type of Greek symbol plastered all over their resume will be a shoe in for any job.
Michael Combolocke would also like to add that he is much more articulate than Michael Padlocke.
A sign that you are about to read the opinions page in The Daily Targum
T H E D A I LY M E D I U M
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Horrorscopes
DIVERSIONS
Today’s birthday (1 April 2009): Seeing as today is April Fool’s Day, your birth is actually one big practical joke. Isn’t that funny, you were never actually born!! HAWHAWHAW!
Aries (21 March-19 April): The new and unexpected will alter your life drastically. You’ll be at the department store, looking for new shoes, when you see the flash. Briefly, you get a glimpse of the cutest pair... and then you see the plastic on them melt and you’re dead.
accompany your grandma to a Barry Manilow concert. As you are getting a number from a 70-something cougar, the massive parasite you have been unknowingly been cultivating for the last 10 years bursts from your intestines. Barry Manilow is able to communicate with it.
Taurus (20 April-20 May)Today is a nice day to appreciate all that is beautiful and fine. You will be working a part-time job at a summer camp, when you go use the outhouse, and your keys fall down the extra wide hole. You will suffocate in your attempt to retrieve them... because in waste, no one can hear you scream.
Scorpio (23 October-21 November): People will find your company particularly enjoyable today. You are sharing the most passionate kiss of your life with your boyfriend when you see the tattoo on his arm. You recognize it from your Anthropology class as the symbol of the Mugboog Cannibal Tribe from Compton and suddenly realize that he actually is sucking your face...off your face.
Gemini (21 May-21 June): Inspiration strikes when you least expect it. You’ll be bungee jumping down a ravine, and the bungee system works just fine... what kills you is the bird that runs smack dab into you on the way down and drills you in the forehead. Cancer (22 June-22 July): Those who reach out to others are rewarded for their efforts. You will be doing volunteer work at the local shelter, making an impact in the lives of others, when the comet makes impact on you. Fortunately, this spells the end for the rest of the world as well. Leo (23 July-22 August): Expect to attract abundant things in life. You will be floating in your brand new pool. Seeing as you are a native of Venezuela, however, your pool is the estuary of the Amazon river you just discovered, which is chock full of piranhas. Ouch. Virgo (23 August- 22 September): You may want to break from your usual routine and try something different. You’ve heard how fun it is to ride that wooden roller coaster in the back seat and decide to try it... you only wish you had decided to cut your waist length hair, or at least tie it back. Libra (23 September-22 October): Expect a change in your personal rhythm today. You have decided to
Sagittarius (22 November-21 December): Now might be a good time to get rid of the things that no longer serve a purpose for you. You feel like the king of the neighborhood standing up in your friend’s Volkswagen, sticking your head out the sliding moonroof...until your friend makes an abrupt stop for the squirrel in the road. Capricorn (22 December-19 January):Harmony is certain if you practice moderation. You are at the zoo and sneak into the lions’ den to retrieve the cell phone you dropped. As the grimacing pain slowly blinds you and you are left to your thoughts you are amazed at how each lion takes a fair ration.
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Turds Before Wine Gimme back my donuts!
Like you need em’ fatass!
I’m gonna Too much kill you in of a pussy your sleep. to do it
Puhleeeeeeeez
now?
Dilfert Golly! The ecstasy I took to deal with the meeting is starting to kick in.
UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ. Oh, I feel so GOOD! I LOVE YOU ALL!
Wanna gang rape him again?
Just be sure to use a rubber this time!
Doonesboring I don’t care if we’re too old, we’re still funny. I dunno.
My dad told me he was in college when this strip started, this thing’s old as shit!
You really think an oldas-hell liberal hippie can keep up with such a different society?
Unhappy Hour
God, will we go on for 40 more fucking years? At least we’re not “Non-Sequitur”.
Tim and Jommy
Remember when this strip was actually funny?
It’s funny, I can... Kind of remember laughing at this comic back when I was a freshman. I guess alcoholism even takes its toll on cartoonists.
This shit was never funny.
Aquarius (20 January-18 February): Stay focused and do not stray from your personal path. You are crossing the street on Courtlandt when suddenly a car swings around the corner and hits you...you will be okay. The car, however, is full of Mugboog cannibals who assume you are dead and jump out to eat you...and then you are indeed dead. Pisces (19 February-20 March): Get in touch with your creative side today. You’ll realize for a brief second as you’re making that bird house that you were pointing your nail gun the wrong way.
DID YOU KNOW!?
THE DAILY MEDIUM IS THE ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY OF RUTGERS UNIVERSITY MEETINGS ARE HELD EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT AT 9:00PM IN ROOM 115 OF THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER
!!!tHe QuEsT fOr WoRdS!!!111 M A Y O N N A I S E Z N M E S I A N N O Y A M V J F W M A Y O N N A I S E G J T Y S M A Y O N N A I S E H G E S I A N N O Y A M U D V E S I A N N O Y A M N T X M A Y O N N A I S E I C M E S I A N N O Y A M A E S I A N N O Y A M N F C P E S I A N N O Y A M L S Word List: acatamathesia, vaccimulgence, Floccinaucinihilipilification, juglandaceous, aichmophobia,kakorrhaphiophobia honorificabilitudinity, alectryomachy, zenzizenzizenzic, cat, quomodocunquize, kreatophagia vegetivorous, Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, kephalonomancy, sabbulonarium kilfud-yoking, quadragesimarian, knickerbockers, obeliscolychny, jabberwock
DIVERSIONS
T HE D AILY M EDIUM
A PRIL 1 , 2 0 0 9
Normallo
Last-Ditch Efart The Targum was weird today.
How So?
The news was ridiculous, the opinions, extreme...
and the diver- That was “The sions were, Medium.” Not The Targum. well... diverting.
Where can I meet the people who made this?
BCC 115 @ 9pm Wed. night.
11
A. Dancik
Geez, I know that they call you a cock, but a 4-pronged dick with talons on it... I just don’t think that I can take that thing.
Get Funky Bucky, I did like ya said and buried Rob out back.
Now my plan for world domination can begin!
Uhh, about that...
AHA! You are about to betray me. I always knew you would stab me in the back.
How are you going to conquer the world without thumbs.
Damn, you’re right, can’t even jerk off, let alone rule the world
Yes-Sequitur I figured out the solution to world Hunger... Every one should just No eat! shit.
Do I really Not annoy people that all of them. much?
I thought my narrowminded solutions were funny
I guess my little girl innocence while tackling com- At least we’re plex problems not “Doonesgets on peobury” ples nerves
The creative process checklist of Doug Bratton. 80’s pop culture reference Superheroes doing normal brought into year 2009 stuff (OMG spider Man eats a bowl of cereal) A nice character from a A beloved character from a wholesome background favorite TV show dies. does something BAAAAD Diagnose a superhero with a terrible disease
P.H. Dumbass I was very dissapointed with your dissertation.
Poop Culture Shart Therapy
Your thesis on the puppy was weak, and needs support.
And your conclusion on Spongebob was too short.
You won’t make it into the 2nd grade this year
either.
Mix two pop culture characters from completely different time periods and genres
The infamous “Why (superhero) is no longer allowed (to do something)... Are you picking up a pattern here
Throughout the creative process, always remember to remain unfunny, unoriginal and repetitive. Word Jungle
Make your own Sudoku Puzzles by you!
N. McFinkleton THAT FUCKED UP WORD GAME by Nigs McFinkleton and Mojo Morrrison
Unscramble these four Jumbles, one letter to each square, to form four ordinary words.
SHE DIDN’T TIP ME TRAYP
DOTA
GLIFTH
KOJC
A: YOU DECIDE
#3
A
WHAT THE WAITRESS CALLED THE PATRON WHO ATE CEREAL Now arrange the circled letters to form the surprise answer, as suggested by the above cartoon.
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(You came here looking for Personals, didn’t you? You were then duped by the fact that it said “Classified” and not Personals, so you thought you had mistakenly picked up a copy of the Targum? Hahahaha, we fooled you, retard! Don’t wipe your ass with this paper, thinking it’s the Targum!
PEOPLE WHO SUCK To that girl with a speech impediment in my class. Noone can understand you, and you never shut the fuck up!!!! Either: just don’t talk in class OR speak louder so my friends and I can chuckle at your lack of ability to pronounce words. (Speech impediments: pissing off your classmates since 1766.) To that idiot in my patterns in death class. STOP asking questions about the syllabus and arguing with the professor in class. There are 300 people in there who really don’t give a shit, and you always get your ass handed to you by the professor. Please, stop wasting our time, just give up for our sakes and whatever dignity you may possibly have. (Dignity, what dignity?) To the bumbling retard in Greek Christianity: shut the fuck up, you’re quickly making us all dumber every time you speak. (I rest my case regarding your concerns about dignity here at Rutgers.)
ANGRY RANTS
CLASSIFIEDS
To the guy in Greek Christianity who I wrote to a few weeks ago. You just got fucking PWNED by the professor. It was fucking awesome to see you squirm like a little bitch when she shut your ass down. Then for some reason you weren’t content in making yourself look like a rabid douche and went for the full-fledged asshole level and continued to try and speak. Needless to say, you accomplished your goal of looking like an asshole and getting all of us to take amazing pleasures in your failure at life. Go c h o k e To the 3 dumb bitches at Kilmer. honestly what the FUCK is wrong with you???? do you not know how to SHUT YOUR FUCKIN MOUTH when ur in the library??? does it really look like fuckin social hour??? let me explain it to you as simple as i can... when i come to the library i want to STUDY not hear your ugly ass saying “OMG IT WAS CRAZY FUN!” so how about you laugh your way out of the library and go fuck yourself. k thanks =) Why did I see Remo the other day disguised as a crossing guard giving out candy to k i d s ?
(Who’s Remo? A homeless guy or a pedophile? To Rutgers, The housing sysTo the pharm frat. tem fucking blows. you are all gay as How isn’t there hell suck my dick enough beds? Please e x p l a i n .
YES, WE ARE REAL PEOPLE
We congretate at 9:15 PM Wednesday nights at Busch Campus Center Room 115. Come or I’ll kill you.
SOMETHING A LOT SHORTER Every time I cum, I fart really, really loudly. One time a turd came out.
to the livingston girl who poured two cups of beer on me To the bartenders at at the frat party last Olive Branch: You month, i’m still DTF. have to be the rudest, (I’ll bet she is too. With most nasty bar work- someone else, that is.) ers that I have ever had the misfortune of VAGINAS, PENISES, BUTTSEX! dealing with. You give people dirty looks and snotty attitudes simply to the whore of babylon when they ask you to sitting in the front row DO YOUR FUCKING of econometrics section JOBS AND SERVE 01, can you BREATHE that shirt? US. Look, I’m sorry if in were not cool enough SERVICES for your pretentious AVAILABLE asses, but at least have the common courtesy Sorority girl lookto treat your patrons ing for nearest dick to with decency and re- suck. No compensaspect. Fuck all of you, tion requested. Can be especially that worth- found at Sigma Kappa, ness dickhead nigger, Sigma Delta Tau, Kaphe’s the worst of all pa Zeta Psi, Gamma of you. Just give me Phi Beta, and other somy god damn beer rostitute houses. Call and keep your egos to 1 - 8 8 8 - S U C K - Y O U Oh, and I should add MY ASS HURTS that I also take dicks in FROM LAST NIGHT my ass, up to 4 at a time. Prospective frat boy ...Said the fraternity available coming Fall pledge as he explained ‘09. I’m looking to to his roommate why watch my grades colhe took so long to take lapse as I try to gain a shit this morning. entry into a, excluEvery day is a winding sive homoerotic comroad. It’s good not to munity at Rutgers. I drive too fast on it or you feel that I fit the defimay roll your SUV over nition of closeted hoand die a slow, painful mosexual and would death from having your make a fine addition internal organs bru- to the Greek Commutally crushed and nity here at Rutgers. your bones snapped Mage LFG 10-25 mans, mercilessly by a PST for relevent stats. stupid gas-guzzling Stupid, angsty teentruck that you couldn’t ager looking for someafford and still bought thing to rebel against. anyways because Already done: my you’re a stupid dick. parents, the media, the Good thing you died. government, MTV. I (Hopefully you need something to hadn’t repro- keep my angst flowduced already too.) ing while not actuTo the Livy hat- ally realizing that I’m ers: What campus a fucking retard and will we make fun of need to grow up. I if Livingston turns seek to become a hipinto a bad ass cam- ster in the near future. pus? I mean, whats Hipster seeking new left? Cook and Dou- manufactured idenglass? Hmm, they tity. I’m just not cool are pretty anymore, so someone needs to tell me what (Sorry, but Livingston is cool so I can be cool will NEVER be bad too since I’ m too lazy ass. It will always be and stupid to have my the asshole of Rut- own sense of idengers. Go die, retard.)
FUCK OLIVE BRANCH
to that jewish engineering girl that thinks shes hot shit, i guess your parents didn’t teach to look both ways before you cross the street otherwise you wouldn’t have been hit by the ugly trucking when you were crossing. dont worry the short bus is coming soon to pick you up and give you the helmet you left at your house i’ve had 3 classes with creepy albert (lucky me, i’m a freshman girl). all he does is make awkward loud comments to the teacher and fart in class. ( S u c k e r . ) All of the personals that mention Albert, sideburns, and pubes on your chin are ABOUT YOU. You think there’s some other creeper that looks like you? God, I hope not. I hope you realize we are laughing at you, and not with you. You are a DUMB AS SHIT CUNT RAG ASSHOLE CREEPER MOTHER FUCKER!!!! AND A JEW (And once again, the Albert hatred continues...)
DO NOT READ THIS Dear Kid who lives on the second floor of Lippincott ARE YOU HOLDING B.B. KING HOSTAGE AND TORTURING HIM IN YOUR ROOM? I am pretty sure you aren’t holding and old blues musician captive so do us all a favor and stop playing crappy guitar 24/7 - or invest in a fucking set of headphones for your amp!!! To my stock portfolio: I wish my girlfriend went down on me as much as you h a v e . To my ass: Stop shitting so god damn much. It hurts.
A PRIL 1 , 2 0 0 9 Okay, seriously, how dumb do you have to be to put up flyers of yourself advertising that you do nude modeling and fetish porn around the campus you go to school on? seriously? YOU GO TO SCHOOL HERE! your fucking naked bound up pootnanny is all over the internet and you’re advertising it where you’re creepy classmates and prof’s can see it. maybe you’ll be getting better grades, but you better be ready to get AIDS for those A’s. oh, and the fake name? why bother, we know who you are. they’re ON YOUR FACEBOOK TOO.
REALLY LOOOOOONG PERSONAL To the uppity Alpha Zeta eco-prick who left a napkin at the cook cafe, whining about how they dont recycle the plastic takeout containers and how it’s hurting the environment: It’s called a TAKEOUT container for a reason. It is YOURS to TAKE OUT of the cafe, and dispose of on your own terms. Don’t blame the cafe for your own laziness when you choose to eat your wrap or sammich inside the cook cafe and fail to see the bin labeled BOTTLES CANS AND PLASTIC sitting right by the door. If you want to eat in, ask for a goddamn paper plate. Its biodegradable. Do yourself a favor for the environment and hurl yourself into a compost pile and rot. (Hippies make great compost, I use it in my garden at home every year. The only problem is getting them into the wood chipper.)
T HE D AILY M EDIUM
Find your new job in the Classifieds and start your future today!
...Because you’re getting laid off from your current job tomorrow! Part Time Student Help Needed Work: $16.50 Base/ Appt. flexible hours, includes some morn- Counselors for our ings, some days, some Children’s Hospital nights, some weekends located in Somerset, Three Mile Island NJ. Responsibilities individual/ seeks full time instruc- include group interaction, tor to teach upcoming reactor operating train- participation in recing course. NROs to reational activities & be trained in nuclear maintaining a safe, fun fission properties, re- environment. Candiactor maintenance, and dates must be strong emergency prepared- role models and have ness. No Experience good organizational required. Interested skills. We do not know candidates should why we waste our submit letter of inter- time advertising here. est, resume, standard PDE application, transcripts, and current Acts 34, 151 and 114 clearances to Assistant Director, TMI, PA Librarian PT: Must be literatureate. Flexible hours, close to Livingston Ave. Executive appointments are still available in the following departments, U.S. Dept. of State, U.S. Dept. of Education, U.S. Dept. of the Interior. Especially qualified candidates are those who demonstrate a great deal of past experience in an entirely unrelated field. Female in Woodberry Hall seeking new roommate, preferably one that does not pluck her tittie hairs over my desk where the mirror is. Attention all yellow cunts. Come to the next RUKSA meeting.
Teachers wanted: Now hiring infant and toddler teachers. Must have at a minimum graduated from diapers to Huggies trainers.
CLASSIFIED Intergalactic
For Rent
Full-Time nurse. The Highlands at Highland Park, a continuing care retirement community, has a PT opening for a certified nurse, with the flexibility to work 2nd & 3rd shifts. Are you seeking a job in a fast-paced environment? Well, this is not the job for you.
Somerset: Spacious home located in a nice private neighborhood. Private entrances. Private parking lot. You could call, but the phone number’s unlisted.
to the sikh RA in the north tower. You suck ass Find all types of great scholarships and financial aid today! Seriously, right now. Your mom just told you the college fund she set up for you is going to exhaust itself 2 years earlier than anticipated. Seasonal employee for homeowners association, April thru September. Duties include mowing general landscaping & weedeating. We expect you already have experience. Call Mick @ 732779-9596 ext. 202
i’ve had 3 classes with creepy albert (lucky me, i’m a freshman girl). all he does is make awkward loud comBaby Dolls roadside ments to the teachbar now hiring people er and fart in class. experienced in the fol- really. stay away. lowing areas: anilingus, autoerotic asphyx- Woman seeks NJ husiation, nipple-cinching, band so that she can ritualistic genital sac- pay in-state tuition at rifice, gerbiling, fac- Rutgers. And be igesitting, and queef- nored in the bedroom embarrassed ing whilst facesiting. and by your presence at Servers: needed nights her dinner parties. and weekends. That’s usually the time I’d like Do you have secret asto stream Internet vid- pirations to become a eos uninterrupted but ice cream truck driving sugar can’t because Comput- confectioners balloon animals candy ing Services is cheap. man? I just saw you put Depressed? Don’t sprinkles in your wafwaste money on unfle. I sure think you do. reliable psychiatrists! Make money! Emo Become an organ dobands are popping nor: No appt. needed. up in New Jersey Feel like you have a every other Thurs- gaping hole in your life! day. Wait, I’m taking YO DOG I HERD U that back---Sunday. LIEK CUNTS SO I...
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Cheese ‘n Grits
Small Sign Shop needs PT helper willing to work 30 hours a week. We are located off Route 1 in North Brunswick. Look for the sign out front...I mean, really look for it, House for Rent on Stone because it’s really tiny. St. New appliances, hardwood floors...I Lazy-Boy for sale. think. Have yet to ac- $600 O.B.O. Refustually see the floor. es to search for job and has consigned Vacant house on Se- himself to watching nior St. Very clean! “Days of Our Lives” Except for those stains and eating bon-bons. on the couch. You can keep it. $110 a week. HUGE kids sale this Sunday only from 12-5 For Rent: 99 Richard- at the East Brunswick son St. Nice, furnished, Fire Co. You won’t clean. Residents how- want to miss this once ever, are dirty mo’fos. a year event! Would you like to get tickets Stone St. Rental: right to Duke vs. UNC in across from the Rut2020? Invest in your gers Student Center! future today and buy Houses 8 comforta child with a masably. Large backyard sive pituitary problem! and basement. $3000 a month, includes utili- Very eligible bachelor ties, free wireless!! To requesting female comschedule a showing pany. Bathes weekly please call_______. and can climb a greased pole! No Philipinos plz. Moving Sale: This Saturday, rain or shine. Call for Submissions: Everything must go! Local female newspaLocated at 96 Hamil- per editor seeks perton. Then 65 Harvey St. sonals from humorous, Then 12 Louis St. Then angry, horny, ball-trip6 Central Ave. Then we pin, chumpity chump will move our location chump Rutgers stuin accordance to the dents. Those who meet positioning of the sun. abovementioned qualifications are invited to send their shit in! C’MON NAW!! Garage Sale: 128 Highland Park, Sat 4/4. Rain or shine. Garage will be completely intact, just bring a truck bed and take’er away. Multi-Family indoor sale: Former North Brunswick Graphic Building. Friday thru Sunday only. We have a variety of families to choose from to meet your ethnic and socioeconomic preferences. Take this opportunity to buy your love! Wanted: approximately $30,000 so I can pay for a year of out-of-state tuition WHAT’S SO GREAT ABOUT CINNAMON
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I LIKE TURTLES Accepting Applications: But you probably won’t get hired. Interested applicants may call at 732-478-4889 Federal Employment information is free. Remember that no one can promise you a federal job. Unless you has big boobies. A public service announcement from the Federal Tradeoff Commission. General Electrics. Inc. Current openings: none. G.E. that just sucks.
If you’re not a doctor, you might as well just go home: mapquest.com will help you get there Become a Foster Child: Increase your independence and self-sufficiency, legally excommunicate yourself from your parents! Sorry, no financial assistance. Flea market this Thursday-1-6 pm. Take this wonderful opportunity to purchase a smelly grunge singer who has sold his soul and Dani-Califonia song rights to Radio Disney and makes a living doing jingles for Flinstones vitamins. Take out a Pell Grant today! Billions of dollars are being spent on higher education so that Pell grant recipients can stay in college for 10 extra minutes before their funds dry up!
Repay your debt! We know who you are and you know who we are. Do it--by 3:00 today or else. Located out back behind Tony’s careplace at 22 S. 4th St. Experienced giver seeks work We’ll pay you $13 with unsatisfied male. per/hour to chat on Plenty of experience the phone! (in slightly and reliable transporlarger bolded font): tation, gets around The RU telefund quite well. Hours flexwants you. Applicant ible as well as body must be friendly, outgoing, willing to ac- Hatfield Meats: Seekcept threats to personal ing people to eat hot well-being and rants dogs. Successful apabout the decline of plicant recognizes that civility. Hours vary, every imaginable thing depending on when bad will happen to them consumption. New Jersey residents upon decide to eat dinner (Whew, that wasn’t CUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNTCUNT
easy man. AAAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHA!)
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SPORTS
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BEAR: Rudy’s
funeral to be held Friday continued from back “I just kept yelling at him to get out of the cage, but when your ear has just been ripped off, it’s kind of hard,” said teammate Kyle Kriss. This loss knocks the Knights out of the bear fighting championships but there is a silver lining to the dark cloud, all veteran fighters will be returning next year as well as a new freshman wrestler who led his high school to the New Jersey Division AAAA championships. When asked what are they going to do over the off season, Coach Pole responded, “No idea, definitely make a Rudy shrine and continue what we do kind of best, wrestle bears.”
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Come On, It’s just a game: Cleaning up our Cheers at Rutgers Without a doubt, Rutgers Try: “Porcibly Fenetrate the Huskies!” Try, “Excretory orifice!” University is a great school— one that has equally Instead of saying, “Fuck You, Ref!” great sports teams. So to me it makes sense that Try “Initiate sexual intercourse, Ref!” we carry ourselves with a certain sense of pride at sporting events. There is no need for the obscene cheers or juvenile t-shirts that Instead of stomping on the bleachers in unihave come to characterize the student son (which may frighten small children...) section at our sporting events. There are many alternative cheers that instill fear in Try rubbing your palms together in unison our opponents and liven up the crowd just as (which will sound like an ominous rain effectively as rabid and witless profanities. Allow storm!) me to show you some cheers of my own inventiveness: Instead of saying, “Aaaasssshole!”
Instead of saying: “Huck the Fuskies”
CURLS: USA
Curling needs to wake the fuck up continued from back offense without a rule telling him to do so! This sport will never reach football levels of popularity if we don’t let players play. I really don’t want to keep harping on this point anymore, so let’s move on. I really don’t think USA Curling is being serious about fielding a top-notch Olympic Team because of their strict adherence to whatever the IOC says is the official rules. Look at Britain’s 1924 Curling Team for instance. They took the gold medal after playing what can only be described as a fucking ass-tastically rape worthy game. Pardon my French, but fuck anyone who disagrees with my choice for Gordon Whitefellow and Herbert Longsworth for my All-Time Curling Sweeper Team. They single handedly swept through the Free Guard Zone without a moments hesitation and it resulted in gold around their necks and laurels around their heads. Please listen to me Curling Officials! I say abolish the rule and let players PLAY! As an avid fan of professional curling, I can only hope that these high and mighter rule makers can see the light of day on this issue and make curling the world’s first true universally respected sport
Ray Rice Returns to Rutgers to Finish Degree BY BENDING RODRIGUEZ MANAGING EDITOR
Ray Rice made waves in the Rutgers community after he announced that he would return to the banks of the Raritan to complete his last year of schooling and officially earn his degree in Business Sports Management with a minor in Biochemical Engineering Mechanics. “Ray-Ray is excited to be returning to the Rutgers College [sic] for the remainMike Redzone is a SAS Junior ing of my sophmore [sic] Majoring in Sports Business Management Journalism. He has year,” Rice said in an interview with reporters at ZBT no life at all.
fraternity. He then added “Ray Ray RUN BALL!” Rice’s return to Rutgers will also mean that he will be able to play out his last two years of eligibility on the Rutgers football team which missed his yardage and TD’s in the ’08-’09 season. Allegedly, Rice was so far down on the Cleveland Brown’s roster that he would only play if the team’s janitor was injured and 2/3rds of the cheerleaders did not feel like playing that day. It was because of these ridiculous standards for playing that held Ray Ray
to only .00039 yards rushing and -2 TD’s. “Honestly, he fucking sucks but the NFL requires us to keep him out on the field like a retarded child or something,” said Browns head coach Chip Handler. “It’s like Rudy but without any sort of plot, lovable characters, or a retard who deserves his shot at glory.” Because Rice has logged experience at the NFL level, he will easily put up massive numbers back in Piscataway with his projected rushing yard total to be somewhere in the 6.8 trillion
yard range and also rushing for 3 googol touchdowns. The re-christened running back will also be expected to perform admirably in his Basic Composition class, which he still hasn’t passed after 3 years at Rutgers. When asked for the reason why Rice has performed so poorly in class, Ray simply stated, “Ray Ray don’t take tests,” and proceeded to enter himself in a sorority sister. Rice is expected to re-enter the NFL draft within a month of his return to the Scarlet Knights.
SPORTS
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Rutgers Ultimate Wins First Tournament, Ever BY FRENCHMAN ASSOCIATE
RIDER — After two grueling days of layouts, hucks, and seadonkeys, the Rutgers Machine-B Ultimate Team won the first tournament in the thirty-year history of Rutgers Ultimate. “I’m really glad to be a part of the B team,” commented captain Phil Landicho. “Those fags on the A team can’t even play through an entire tournament without bagging.” He also noted the remarkable incompetence of the A team, given their dismal record and the fact that the smart money is on the B team winning Sectionals.
Alumni Shocked, in Absolute Disbelief
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Baseball Game Ends in Dramatic, Trendy Fashion BY COCKTOPUS SPORTS EDITOR
Yeah, Bro!
Revelers celebrate the first Rutgers Ultimate win since its inception
BUY A BETTER HAT
WINNERS:
Intramural Champions Prevail Again continued from back
BUY SUPER-HAT
as the first time an intermural basketball team has ever beaten a school’s varsity basketball team. “Yeah, they are just not good at all, it barely surprises me that they were beaten by a bunch of real students that just enjoy shooting hoops on weekends,” commented coach Fred Hill. “I try my best and make these kids good at basketball, but I feel as if I’m wasting my time with this group. They’re a bunch of idiots.” Despite allegations that the “Wandering Jews” used illicit performance enhancing drugs in their victory over the Rutgers men’s team, captain Cockblock remains in high spirits. “We’re clean. We’re so clean. Actually, we are very fresh as well,” he said. The “Wandering Jews” will be tested for steroids over the next few weeks. They will also be suing on grounds that the Messiah is not yet here.
Bases loaded, two outs, bottom of the 9th. Rutgers is down by three runs against their rival: Juggernaut Memorial College. Sam “Big Bat” Battowski stands at the plate. He taps the plate a few times with his bat, and looks down at the pitcher, Justin George. George is six feet tall, with an arm that’s ready for the big leagues. The first pitch comes in, low and outside. Ball one. Battowski steps out of the batter’s box and looks for the signs. He goes back into the box and gets ready. Curveball, a nasty one. Battowski swings and misses, strike one. One and one is the count. Battowski is ready, and George fires a rocket down into the inside of the plate, strike two. Battowski argues slightly with the umpire. George throws another curveball, but Battowski isn’t falling for it, two and two. Sweat is dripping down George’s face into his eyes, but he doesn’t pay it any attention. He fires everything he has into the next pitch, which flies wildly outside. The catcher dives and manages to keep it from getting past him. Full count. The next pitch will decide the State Championship. George looks in. Battowski tightens his grip. Their eyes meet for a split-second. George throws.
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Barry Bonds likes to bat children.
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ACT NOW! *half price only applies to half sandwiches ** only one sandwich per promotion, and it’s the one you buy ***Not valid at any locations within New Jersey
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SPORTS
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Rutgers Bear Fighting Team Loses to Bear Inexperienced Left Bear Tackle loses critical match which drops Rutgers out of the NCAA Tournament
BY FELLATIUS MACDOOGAL FEATURES EDITOR
BUCKHUCK, TN- On Saturday, Rutger’s own Bear Wrestling Team lost in the semi-finals to a bear in Buckhuck, Tennessee. “We went in going strong but the last half was just a massacre...literally,” said the coach of the team, Lou Pole. “We trained from the very beginning, wrestling bear cubs that I stole from the zoo. I don’t know what went wrong.” At first, the Scarlet Knights pulled significantly ahead when the team’s strongest player Gene Jenkins knocked down his bear in 15 minutes and 34 seconds. “I’ve been doing this for years,” explained Gene after his match. “The trick is to hit them in head when their not looking.”
Has the Free Guard Zone Rule Gone too Far? In the Redzone MIKE REDZONE I noticed that the Canadian Curling Association adopted the Free Guard Zone rule as standard practice for all curling which to me is an extremely alarming situation for all who are interested in curling at the Olympian level. Then I picked up a copy of the latest rulebook published by USA Curling and I have to admit, the Free Guard Zone Rule has finally gone too far. I really think that true curlers are sick and tired of this outdated and frankly ostentatious rule that for years has kept the score low as well as attendance numbers. First of all, what could the Guard Zone rule do anymore? It’s like saying that all car engines have to be able to reach a speed of 20mph. Uhm, hellloooo! They already do that! A well seasoned curler can easily play defense and
SEE CURLS ON PAGE 14
The match-ending mistake came when Coach Pole decided to let beginner Rudy Ruettiger go in the final match. “I didn’t know what I was thinking. I always had Rudy on the bench and decided, since we were really ahead, to let him in. But I’ve should have predicted the next chain-of-events.” He then added, “I mean, the bear’s name was Love and Hugs, we thought it would be an easy win. Such a deceiving name. I kind of knew Rudy was in trouble when the bear ripped off half of his face. You ever see a boy crap his pants in fear before? Well, this time, it wasn’t hilarious. I should have trained him harder, but how do you lose to a bear stuffed animal?”
SEE BEAR ON PAGE 14
Love and Hugs is pictured here over the corpse of Rudy Ruettiger.
Spring Training Spotlight: Women’s Soccer BY ZAYIN GADOL SPORTS EDITOR
Football isn’t the only sport training for success right now. The women’s soccer squad, 15-7-2 last year, has begun their highly touted spring training regimen. “I’ve started substituting watermelons for soccer balls during practice, and told my girls to picture their unattainable hopes and dreams on the fruit as they kick it,” said Coach Glenn Crooks. “I figure if they can punt a watermelon, they can punt a soccer ball.” Although this alternative training strategy has proven successful for most of the forwards, not everyone is pleased with the presence of fruits on the field. “We believe that God hates fags and we oppose those fucking sodomizers coming near our women,” stated the Acting Bishop of the Archdiocese of New Brunswick. Others aren’t as vehemently miffed, but instead are slightly irked. “Man, those watamelons is food, nigga,” rambled a friendly neighborhood black man. “If those white-folk are out of soccer balls, I’d be happy to start a ‘hood drive to get those hos some balls. We need our watermelons as they is a healthy and delicious summertime snack!” Regardless of the opposition, Crooks will not waver
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Starting forward Tricia DiPaolo gets a little too into the game.
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