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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 13th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ BUNCH OF HORNY HERMITS
THE MEDIUM LEAVES BUNKER AFTER MISSING LAST 18 MONTHS HARRY NUTTSAAC GOTTA MOW THE LAWN
Members of The Medium emerged from their underground bunker earlier this week and after a couple of days, I already want to go back down there. When the news broke that a deadly virus was spreading across the country and, more importantly, that we had to get the fuck off of campus, The Medium thought it was wise to take shelter in our emergency bunker located beneath the Livingston Student Center (the bunker was in lieu of getting any substantial funding from RUSA). While in that bunker, The Medium was fed information about the outside world from the sorry sons o' bitches we locked outside. We were also able to transcribe and send articles to the surface via morse code to be uploaded to
our WordPress site, although we were never told if anyone actually read any of that shit. Regardless of our feelings about personal safety around COVID, The Medium was forced to return to the surface by lacking food supplies (we tried to
extend our stay by eating some of our members first, you can read their obituaries on A7). When we reached the outside world, The Medium was confronted with an ongoing pandemic, a country that was recently on the brink of authoritarianism, an Continued on Page 2
KEEP FEELING FASCINATION
BUSCH PASTA STATION NOW ANIMATRONIC-RUN AFTER MURDER SPREE
KIRA AMETHYST SLUT FOR CARBONARA SAUCE
As of Sunday, October 10, 2021, the pasta station at Busch Dining Hall is run by a sexless animatronic after a lunch lady murdered the rest of the dining hall staff over the pasta station work schedule. Tracy Rossi, 49, was discovered by custodians in the Busch Dining Hall kitchen on Saturday morning standing over the bodies of the rest of the dining hall staff with a butcher’s knife in hand. She did not attempt to escape, and upon police questioning confessed to her crime: “I was sick and tired of these old, lazy, saggy-titted bitches abandoning me to run the pasta station alone during rush hour, so I killed them, and I enjoyed it!”
ccording to multiple regulars A at the Busch Dining Hall, conflict between the lunch ladies at the pasta station had been perceptible for weeks. “I overheard Mrs. Rossi muttering under her breath in
frustration about how strictly she had to ration the alfredo sauce,” said one student who asked to remain anonymous out of fear Rossi would murder them next. Continued on Page 2
Carving Gloryholes Since 1970
QUICKIES
COVID Cases Surge After Orgy Anti-Maskers are Complete Fucking Pussies Nebraska Senator Resigns After Hot Bigfoot Love Affair Robert Pattinson Revealed to be Demi-God Hunter S. Thompson Rises From Grave to Do Coke Once More RU Athletic Dept. Debt is Now in Debt Colorblind Man Doesn't Understand Racism Dawn Funds Oil Spills To Film Commercials Of Saving Animals
the Medium
NEWS
"Selling organs on the black market since 1969"
KELLY HAS COMMITTED MOYDER SEND DUDES (AND NUDES) economic crisis, and, to top it all off, lanternflies. While it was a unanimous decision from The Medium staff to return to the bunker immediately, RUSA informed us that not only were we getting far less funding than before the pandemic but they were taking our bunker away from us, too (in other news, check out 90.3 FM The Core's new bunker). With nowhere else to go, The Medium has been forced back into Room 117D at the Livingston Student Center, working on laptops that barely work in a room that was literally a storage closet before it was gifted to us. As we lost several members over the last few months (students graduating,
Wednesday, October 13th, 2021
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RONA GOT ME HORNY AF ...continued from front
by the survivors), we would be grateful to anyone willing to check us out. Please email us to find out where our Wednesday night meetings are.
IF ANYONE WANTS TO HAVE AN ORGY BEHIND THE BME BUILDING, PLEASE DIAL 1 (800) 696-9420
UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT “Those bitches would just, like, verbally abuse each other in front of us,” commented Bradley Bradson. “And always when I was in a fucking rush, too.”When asked if he wanted to be kept anonymous, he said “I ain’t a fuckin’ pussy bitch like Chadley over there!” This murder spree was not the first time conflicts between Busch Dining Hall staff became physically violent. Last year, similar verbal altercations led to the creation of a storage room fight club, which Rutgers swiftly disbanded because it didn’t want to spend extra money on replacing damaged food items while the Athletics department exists. As the university begins searching for new staff, the Busch pasta station
...continued from front
is being run by a sexless animatronic named RU Italian Enough. Students have discovered that RU Italian Enough will only give them their pasta if they can put on a convincing Italian accent. If a student’s accent is particularly bad, RU Italian Enough will deduct an additional meal swipe from their account. Rutgers paid for the animatronic with students’ tuition money.
THIS PANDEMIC IS MAKING ME WISH FOR A NUCLEAR WINTER
BIZZARE PUBLICITY STUNT BY THE A7 EDITOR ELLISON HOLLOWAY
NEW BRUNSWICK - In a press release today the A7 editor of The Medium, a local college satire newspaper, promised that he will personally pay 25 cents to every person who takes a selfie with the “Big Daddy Holloway” Poster (included in this publication) and tags The Medium’s instagram. The rules for this promotional event are, one submission per person, valid until a week from the posters' publication date. When questioned if this event was sponsored by Rutgers, the editor said “I have never heard of this [Air quotes] Rutgers. Is this a school or something? All I know is that I will, out of my personal funds, Venmo anyone who tags The Medium on insta with the Big Daddy Holloway poster. Heck, if you fuckers tape this poster up all over Rutgers and tag it I’ll pay you 5 cents extra!” After answering the question, he proceeded by leading the room in a prayer to Jonathan Holloway. Fellow editors of The Medium released a statement that denied
involvement in this affair, and claimed that the A7 editor was not well and should probably be seeing someone over his obsession with President Holloway. The Editor in Chief of the Medium responded to our questions over the phone : “Yeah, I don’t really know what's wrong with him. He came to The Medium during the pandemic and he just started to go off about President Holloway's juicy arms or how he wants to use President Holloway’s sweat as deodorant. Initially we thought it was funny but eventually the joke ran out and he was just freaking us out. We were hoping that in person he would take it down a notch but he’s been getting worse. I honestly don’t know if I can put up with this for much longer.” While the A7 editor’s behavior may seem strange and off-putting, he forces us to question our day to day obsession with celebrity personals and really think about why we adore the people we adore.
YOU HAVE A FUCKED UP SENSE OF HUMOR? YOU LIKE TO WRITE? YOU HAVE OVER 300 CONFIRMED KILLS? SEND SOME SHIT TO THE MEDIUM! THEMEDIUM.SUBMISSIONS@GMAIL.COM WEDNESDAY NIGHTS AT 8:00 IN LSC BOARD ROOM OR ROOM 109
Editorial Staff Fall 2021
Editors-in-Chief Kelly Manniello Quinlan Van Es
Business Manager Amit Ofek Mascot Long-Island Medium
News Editors Stephanie Brody Carlos Domenech Opinions Editor Quinlan Van Es Page A7 Editor Amit Ofek Features Editor Kelly Manniello
Sports Editor Doug Willig Copy Editor Kyle Sabin John Mahoney Secretary Carlos Domenech Webmaster Quinlan Van Es Resident Douche RUSA & Adobe
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of The Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Livingston Student Center Room 117D. This issue is dedicated to everyone who had the piss poor luck of graduating during the pandemic.
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FEATURES “We back bitches.”
the Medium
YOU FUCKING SUCK Ass-trology: What’s Popular on Netflix By Harry Nuttsacc
DON'T YOU HATE WH-
I don’t know about you, but I think that the Popular on Netflix category is just titles that they just got, their own original content, or the classics everyone watches. Which are you?
1. If the person of your rage was driving a pickup truck: “You inbred, chicken fucking piece of shit.”
Top Ten Things to Yell in Your Next Road Rage Incident By Dogmeat Jones
2. If the person drives a Tesla: “You rich-ass, shit-eating, motherfucker.” 3. If the person drives a Hummer: “You pimple head, cargo shorts wearing, Mister 'My big tires makes up for my tiny dick' son of a bastard." 4. If the person drives a Jeep truck: “You indeciive bastard. You bought the dumbest truck in the world.” 5. For general audiences: “I will hunt you down and eat your children.” 6. If someone cuts you off: “
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Better Call Saul. You’ve gotta be pretty ambitious to compete with a juggernaut like Breaking Bad, but I guess you’re good enough. Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): The Walking Dead. No matter what happens, I know I can count on The Walking Dead to be right in my fucking face as soon as I open the app. Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): All of Tom Segura’s specials. No matter what mood you’re in (horny, depressed, lonely, all three) a Tom Segura special will work for you. Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): Norm Macdonald’s Hitler’s Dog, Gossip, & Trickery. You’re always there looking out for me, staring at me with Norm’s reassuring, creepy smile.
7. For a slow moving, old driver: “Are you late for the museum, you Jurassic relive motherfucker.” 8. For a speeding driver: “Why are you rushing, you work at Macys. The only thing urgent in your life is getting your hot pocket out of the microwave your fat son of a bitch.” 9. For a constant lane switching driver: “The next lane you go into will be hell, you cock-sucking dickhead.” 10. For a bad woman driver: “You stereotype-conforming cunt.”
NOTHING LIKE JIZZ ON YOUR BREASTS & THIGHS Batter Your Fried Chicken with Your Jizz By Spunky McGee
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Dave Chappelle’s The Closer. How much more self-assured can you be than making the same transphobic jokes in three consecutive Netflix specials?
Add some pizzazz to a typical fried chicken feast with your own man yogurt. Prep time: 30 minutes (15 to jerk off ) Cook time: 45 minutes. Total time: 75 minutes.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): You. Fucking suck. Got ‘em.
Ingredients: 4-6 chicken thighs, 4-6 pieces of chicken breast, 3 cups of flour, 2 teaspoons salt, 1 teaspoon pepper, 5 eggs, vegetable oil. Breading mixture: Italian bread crumbs, cornstarch, garlic powder, basil
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Django Unchained. Just like Dr. Schultz himself, you’re always a gentleman and down for killing some racist-ass slavers. Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Ozark. You’re passionate like Netflix’s advertising department and brave like Jason Bateman thinking he could tackle a dramatic television series. Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Seinfeld. Ah, the comedian of the group, making a whole new generation of funny weirdos. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): The Conjuring. While you might’ve meant to break the mold when you started out, you can look back and see you’re just one in a series of basic bitches, like Aquarius. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Squid Game. Basic bitch. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Gladiator. For whatever reason, this movie alone can make grown men cry and I simply don’t know why. Anyway, you’re also a lil bitch.
Materials: large bowl, medium bowl, medium pot, glass jar, large spoon, teaspoon, tin foil 1. Masturbate into a glass jar; you will need at least 5 ounces of the good shit, so start pumping. 2. In the large bowl, mix flour, salt, pepper, and semen. After mixing the contents of the bowl, place chicken pieces into the bowl. Cover with tin foil and let sit overnight. 3. While the chicken is sitting, add the breading mixture into a medium bowl and mix together. 4. The next day, beat the eggs. 5. Take the chicken out of the mixture. One at a time, place each chicken piece into the egg solution, then into the breading mixture to cover the chicken completely with breading. 6. Heat vegetable oil in a medium pot at 369 degrees Fahrenheit. 7. Place chicken into heated oil, 3-4 pieces at a time. Leave chicken in oil for 8 minutes or until golden brown. 8. Remove chicken from oil and let sit to cool on paper towels. Let sit for 30 minutes, then enjoy.
the Medium
the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, October 13th, 2020
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"I don't even speak French."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Why do you think no one has been on campus this past year? "Holloway was jerking off all around campus, because that's hot." Ken Johnson Definitely not jerking off in public
"Holloway was smoking blunts all over campus." Darrell Leslie Going to see Snoop on the 23rd
"Why is everyone talking about Holloway? Sure, he's sexy as fuck, but really? Amit Faque Goddamn pervert
THE WHOLE MEDIUM WILL FUCK THIS MAN
I Think I Want To Have Sexual Congress With the Guy Who Wants to Fuck His Friend's Friend's Roommate BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE
Alright, so I’ve been hearing that one of my fellow writers has been hoping to rail someone, with another writer hoping to rail the very same person. As a result, I’m now feeling like I’ve been left in the dust. I think I’m horny as hell, in particular for one of the writers who most recently wrote a piece like this. I mean dear God, seeing a man mirin’ another man makes you wanna do things to that man, if you understand what I’m saying. I wanna… you know, on second thought, while the thought of banging some guy’s brains out over a kitchen counter at 12 o’clock at night is downright exhilarating, you wanna know what else is nice? Having a nice chat over some stir fry; taking a nice quiet evening walk; sifting through books together at the library; catching a movie sometime whenever possible, etc. Hell, you know what else piques my fancy? Oh god, on second thought, never mind. That’s way too fucking lewd, especially for this paper. Holy shit, I cannot believe I put that on print. Wait, do we even print these days? Ah whatever, who gives a fuck, what kind of fucking loser would read this piece of shit newspaper anyhow? You all can suck my fucking dick. Hell, please, suck my dick. Anyone. I’m begging you, for the love of all that is holy please suck my fucking di [Editor’s Note: Michael C. Hawke has been sacked for being hornier than a drunk nun.]
BUSCH IS LITERALLY WORSE THAN GENOCIDE
The Weekly Busch Rant: Why am I Living in Jail When BEST Exists? BY KIRA AMETHYST
Now that our projected readership is in the double digits, I, your aspiring 2022-2023 Opinions Editor, am starting a new Opinions series in the hopes that more people are made aware of the complete and unequivocal shitstorm of problems that is Busch Campus, and I am calling it the Weekly Busch Rant. A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine brought me back to her dorm so we could motivate each other to be productive. It was a perfect 70 degrees, and, high on endorphins of newfound friendship, I didn’t think anything could ruin my mood. That was, however, until I laid my eyes upon the pristine abomination that is BEST. You mean to tell me I’ve had to live in the Busch Jailhouses when on the other side of the Student Center is a fucking hotel? You mean to tell me I could’ve had minimalist art in the hallways and lounges? Furniture that matches the color palette of its surroundings? Lights that don’t decide to die for a few days every few days? Sinks in the same space as the toilet so I don’t have to touch the remnants of shit my roommates leave on the doorknob as they go to wash their hands? The place seriously looks like a fucking Marriott, inside and out! My friend was in hysterics at the aghast look affixed to my face, and I genuinely wanted to kill myself. In conclusion, fuck Busch. Signed, the only Busch resident capable of coherent writing. RETURN TO BABY
I Wish I Was a Baby Again BY SIMON WOODROW
I am getting really fucking tired of being an adult and having to do fucking adult shit. Like seriously, I did not sign up for this shit and I want out. Okay, I did sign up for Rutgers and all of my classes and shit, but that's me just playing with the shit hand I had already been dealt. Every goddamn day, I'm confronted with the reality of being a fucking grownup, having to go out and take care of responsibilities and shit. It's like a grocery list of dumb fucking chores: make sure I wake up on time, feed myself, take the slowly growing number of pills I have to take as my body slowly falls apart (I thought I was in my twenties but I guess I'm dying), go to class, make time for friends, clean up my place, feed myself again, go to sleep on time, over and over again. This shit is getting old real fucking quick. I really don't know if I can take sixty-something years of this horse shit, so I figure the best solution is to go backward, back to being a baby. Think about it, as a baby you don't have to worry about shit, you're barely even conscious enough to understand what the fuck is going on around you. When you're hungry, someone feeds you. When you're dirty, someone cleans you. When you shit yourself, someone wipes your ass. And if they don't, you just scream or piss and shit yourself until they do. But since I can't go back, I guess I'll wait until I can do all this in a nursing home.
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"My favorite kind of chips are paint chips!" - McDonald's Man
May Holloway protect us always.
Holloway Grace From The New Testament O Jonathan Holloway, grant us your grace and give us time for repentance. We want to keep your Scarlet Promise and do your bidding, choose the better part and no longer follow evil. Give us your strength to do this, O loving Holloway, for your own name’s sake. Amen
Fluorescent Lights
Fluorescent Lights, Fluorescent Lights. Bzz, Bzz, snapidy clack. Hospitals, and daycare centers, underground bars. Fluorescent lights, fluor escent lights. The crackling white, the gorgeous might. I love you fluorescent lights. Fluorescent lights, Fluorescent Lights. Blood looks so good, fluorescent lights. Harsh, evil sights, so clean so white. I love you fluorescent lights. Old halls, small stalls, A small life withers and falls I found myself in fluorescent lights. By: Cin Drariug
PAGE A7
the Medium
May they rest in pieces.
Obituaries By The Ancient Editors
Max Broggi-Sumner: Max died of being too damn sexy. She was the best damn webmaster The Medium has ever seen, but unfortunately her talents were wasted on shitty WordPress. However, when we were trapped in the bunker, she was wearing her sexy maid outfit and had to wear it the entire time we were in there. She eventually died of being way too sexy for way too long. Daniel Cretella: Dan died of old age. This guy was “fucking ancient”, as described by a fellow editor who knew him well. He was still writing with his fingers riddled with arthritis and eventually passed away from literally turning into dust. We then did the only respectful thing to do with such a rad guy’s ashes, we smoked the fuck out of them. Conor Johnston: This young man died of being Irish. Much like the Paddies who helped build the railroads, Conor is also dead now. The ghost of his dead body (because he’s dead now) has floated off to Ireland, which although has been referenced several times already, is still not a place I truly believe exists. We will miss this man- he was tall, with brown hair, and if I remember correctly, was named Conor (with only one “n” (which is weird right?)). RIP Conor, your body was in need of more seasonings, but was still eaten with much respect. Hi-ku
The Good Nut By Faque Name Ballbag be slapping On your pale ass in the sky As I wear ball gag.
October 13th, 2021 : The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU themedium.submissions@gmail.com
SPORTS is what people play, the question is why are you reading this line?
BREAKING: STUDENT READS BACKPAGE OF PHYSICAL NEWSPAPER
A PICTURE OF YOU READING THIS NEWSPAPER. A VERY BEAUTIFUL SCENE BY: A NEW ERA OF NEWS OR SOME CLEVER BS AUTHOR NAME
So, even though this is the sports page of this newspaper, you can tell from the headline that this article will not be about sports. Instead, it is
going to be about you, and what you are doing right now. You see, you are a student at Rutgers University (either that, or you are on Rutgers’ campus right now). And being on the campus, you
then picked up a physical paper titled The Medium (the paper you are holding right now). And then, instead of just chucking that shit in the garbage, you actually spent enough time with the newspaper that you got to the backpage (this page!) And then, not only did you just look at that ugly ass Photoshop picture next to this article, but you spent enough time actually reading it to get to this sentence right now! The whole series of events described above are not only groundbreaking, but describe a shift in human culture, and an essential moment in history. You see, you are the first individual in the history of Generation Z to read a physical newspaper! And even if you aren’t Gen Z, you are the first person in 2021 to ever touch a physical newspaper. Do not underestimate the magnitude of what you have just done. Humans in the
future will look back at your action as an inflection point in history, where the shift from paper to digital news stoppedand humans returned back to paper, beginning the renaissance of the Paper Age. You are a true hero. Oh, what’s that? You’re just reading the online version of this article? Aight damn it... idk what to write now so yeah. Allow me to completely change topics and introduce you to some problems from my life. My anti-vaxxer family members continue to post stuff on social media and it is making me confused for several reasons. The thing is, their posts remind me of various porn comments I read the other day. Often times I find the comments I read on the porn I watch to be more mentally stimulating than the videos themselves. I would like to describe them but looks like theres no more space
14 Ways to End a Crisis in a NFL Season Through Week 5: By Newspaper Sports Department the Numbers BY: MASON CROSBY'S FIELD GOAL PERCENTAGE
BY: AN INCOMPETENT SPORTSWRITER
1. It is possible that you, the reader of this article, are reading this because you run the sports department of a newspaper, and you want to know how to end a crisis that has arisen. 2. Yet much more likely, you are a person who is not in that situation. 3. But the thing is, I am a person in that situation, and I need to know how to get out of it. 4. The current crisis I am in is that the sports department of this paper (The Medium) is short staffed. 5. A when I say short staffed, it is literally just me. 6. And the thing is, I have an entire sports page I need to fill. You see those two other articles on this page? 7. Yeah, I wrote those too (because as already established, I am the only person in this department). 8. And now, I have no more ideas for what else to write. 9. ….Well, I guess I should address the elephant in the room - there was no reason to make this article a list. 10. Even though this is titled “14 Ways to End a Crisis in a Newspaper Sports Department”, that title does not make any sense really. 11. It doesn’t make sense because none of these numbered items are ways to end a crisis in a sports department at a newspaper. 12. Instead, they are just my way of filling up space on a page. 13. There, I said it. 14. Have a good day folks, and if you made it this far, you really need to contemplate why you made the decision to actually read this whole thing.
1
0
Happy Giants or Jets fans in New York
44 year old eldery QB in the league still dominating (guess who)
2
3
People who realized the Cowboys would be this good (or maybe this writer is just a salty Giants fan)
idk so Evan McPhearson
4(20)
5
The touchdown milestone Aaron Rodgers recently passed, let’s smoke it boys
Rookie QBs starting, all playing quite badly. No, I will not acknowledge Davis Mills existing, it is 5 not 6
Making a Newspaper That Isn't Worth Reading SINCE 1970