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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue IV
BEARZ
Celebrity Bear fakes death to avoid publicity BY THE KILLA WHALE FEATURES EDITOR
NASSAU—The Internet celebrity-bear named Hope was presumably killed last month in her home forest in Minnesota by a hunter who claimed to have shot the adolescent by accident. However, a tourist staying at the Sunrise Beach Club & Villas on Paradise Island in the Bahamas sent a picture of what experts believe is Hope, poolside, drinking a cocktail. While the bear’s identity has not yet been confirmed it is believed that Hope may have faked her death to avoid publicity. “This is actually quite common black bear behavior this time of year,” said Lynn Rogers, senior researcher at North American Bear Center. Unfortunately, tourists and residents at the Nassau resort have been unable to trace the bear’s whereabouts since being spotted at the pool. “She probably got spooked by the attention and moved on to a different hiding place. Much like Jason Bourne, once she starts moving, it’s going to be a bitch to find her again,” said Rogers. The hunter that supposedly shot Hope was questioned by Minnesota officials within 24 hours of receiving the photo. “I’m innocent, I swear! She threatened to eat me if I didn’t pretend to kill her! I saw what that bear did to Alec Baldwin! I just wanted myself a deer, I swear!” said the hunter. Officials said it’s conclusive that Hope is alive and well but her whereabouts still a mystery. Internet fans that have been following Hope since her birth was broadcast online two years ago have mixed reactions regarding the bear’s ‘death.’ “It’s a shame, just like Elvis, Tupac, and M.J. couldn’t handle all the fame,” said fan Kelly Freeley. “Maybe we should take it easy on people like the Kardashians and Bieber…they’ll be next to disappear.”
October 5TH, 2011
50¢
LACK OF CIVILITY
INCOMING FRESHMEN TO HAVE 20% LESS CLASS
BY COMMANDO UNITED STATES EDITOR IN CHIEF
NASSAU—Rutgers' freshmen are about to get a little tougher. Starting next year, additional admissions criteria will be implemented in an effort to develop an incoming class with strong academics and equally strong personalities. The decision emerged during a meeting last week after University officials discussed the growing national demand for brash New Jersey culture, with such runaway hit shows as "Jersey Shore" and "Jerseylicious." "We strongly believe in our motto 'Jersey roots, global reach,' said Director of Media Relations Miranda Branson. "If we're to export the best representation of New Jersey to the rest of the world, we need to discard this notion of attracting Jersey's 'finest.'" Rutgers had steadfastly WE ARE (ALWAYS) THE CHAMPIONS stood by its decision, responding The university was quick to announce the change of league. to all press inquiries with "You gotta problem widdat?!"For a few congratualory fistpumps said high school senior Lesli many sleazy Jersey teens and obnoxious "WOO!"s. Strickler as she sat backwards though, the news is deserving of "You gotta be shitting me!" Continued on Page 2...
NEWS IN PICTURES
FIESTAAAAA! Rutgers weekend buses join in a Conga Line while they wait for any random student to show up and ride the bus (wink)
Writer's Block Forever ESTABLISHED 1970
NEWS
the Medium
“After three days of nothing but porn, we're gonna need to be drunk.”
WHOAAAHHHHH
STONED FRIENDS HAVE BRAIN SEX; FEEL AWKWARD AFTER Upon concluding a conversation about the nature of time and space, the two students PROSPER ST.— In what seemed proceeded to avoid eye contact like a routine blaze sesh, stu- with one another and pretend dents Alexander Featman and it never happened. In light of Jameson Beathead found them- public scrutiny, they issued a selves taking their thoughts to joint statement: the “next level”. “All over campus there are “It was freakin’ crazy, man. incidents such as this, most of It was like one second we’re just which go unreported. People sitting there talking about Ni- are getting way too high and etzsche and next thing I know thinking they’re ready to discuss [Alex] was like, thrusting his astrophysics with one another. own theory of relativity down We’re starting a campaign to my throat,” exclaimed a per- spread awareness of this, in the turbed Beathead. hopes that other stoners don’t Alexander denies the alle- make the same mistake we did. gation that Beathead “blew” his Your first in-depth analysis of mind, stating, “No way, man! I the universe should be special, would never discuss existential- like in a lecture hall after reism with another dude, that’s ceiving a Ph.D. in philosophy just weird.” or something. Don’t just give it While both were reluctant to up all willy-nilly to the guy who reveal the specifics of what hap- lives downstairs.” pened that night, witness Mark Philosophical chastity rings Eskey claims to have overheard will be sold out front of Brower what sounded like them “insert- tomorrow until 9:00PM for $5. ing their hypotheses into one Proceeds will go towards Alex another’s consciousness”. and Peat’s next bag of pot. Actual (Awesome) Advertisement BY PROBABLY DRUNK CONTRIBUTING WRITER
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
Wednesday,October 5th, 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
...Continued from Page 1 in her chair, legs spread out. "It's like I have no reason to think I'm not gonna fit in now. Yo, stop looking at me while I scratch my tits. Fuckin' perv." Several officials have offered a rational argument behind their decision. "More assholes will certainly solve the overcrowding issue here," said Greg Arnholt, Vice President of Student Affairs. "Rude students just shove people out of the way if they need to get somewhere. That's what I call efficiency." President Richard L. McCormick hopes that the change will start an enduring legacy of street savvy graduates. "It's a tough world out there," said McCormick in a recent interview. "I'm confident after my time here as president that future Rutgers graduates will be more than prepared to handle it. We're about to put the 'fresh' back in freshmen"
WEATHER & TRAFFIC :) TODAY
CARS WITH FLAMES BECAUSE THEY"RE BURSTING THROUGH THE SUN!
TOMORROW
POOR DRIVING CONDITIONS!
News Editors Jordan Gochman Wine/Lifestyles Editor Phillip Li John Eberhardt Copy Editor Steve Troulis VI Features Editor Shane Whelan Secretary Amy DeMariiiiaaa Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Webmaster Kenneth Brooks Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Faculty Advisor Barbara Reed Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Resident Douche Bob Loblaw Dave Imbriaco When in doubt... Become certain.
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to Jews. Because they have to fast this weekend and we hope they won't get so hungry that they eat this paper as a last-ditch source of food.
Wednesday, October 5th, 2011
FEATURES “The cult of personality!”
PEOPLE OF INFAMY
STUDENT
profile
Katie Antos a.k.a. “BCC Desk-Girl”
Yes, Katie, We’re Real Need help finding the bathroom at Busch Campus Center? Don’t worry, Katie knows where it is! While working her part-time job at BCC, she also manages to make time for yoga, movies, and empanadas. In addition to making time for herself, she also “makes time” for others. Her role as an academic programmer at BEST Hall keeps her busy and keeps students busy as well. But don’t let BEST Hall’s name mislead you, it’s actually ranked #3,708 in the country for universities and colleges. When Katie leaves college she vows to move to the farmland and raise pigs. From there she will use her psychology degree to counsel her swine through their problems.
Things at Rutgers That Seem
AWESOME Your Freshman Year That You
HATE BY MOUSHIE ARTS EDITOR
Why it starts out great: Taking the bus is one of the hallmarks of being a Rutgers student. They are so scary on your first day and you think you’ll never get the hang of it. But then in a couple months you start every story with, “So I was on the REXB, about to get on the A...” and it becomes so cool because you conquered the challenge of memorizing all the routes. Also, using public transportation feels so urban, like you live in a real city. Why it starts to suck: You realize you like to breathe and get to class on time, neither of which the bus supplies.
CUTE THING OF WEEK
Inventions That Shouldn’t Have Been Invented
BY DR. K MANAGING EDITOR
I am a person that appreciates and cares for innovation but some of the stuff that people come up with is just plain stupid. I mean, have you ever seen a Chia Pet?!? What the fuck do you do with your life that you have time to admire a dog made out of grass placed ever so elegantly upon your mantle piece? This is just a sampling of some of the things our world could have gone without seeing.
The Vending Machine:
ON THIS DAY...
By Sophomore Year
THE BUS
INDUSTRIAL DEVOLUTION
Back in the day, fat people could get the exercise by walking to their neighborhood grocery store to buy their HoHo’s. Now, they have the convenience of just risking an elevator ride to go to their apartment building lobby to buy Twinkies, un-
GROWING UP
Only freshies wait for the bus, ha!
the Medium
2032-36?
Between 21-25 years from I will walk in the doors of my 20What you’ll end up doing in- year Rutgers Alumni reunion stead: There’s a few things wearing a $2,000 suit with a suyou’ll end up doing. You could permodel trophy wife. I’m not use a car, which means you’ll be exactly sure when I’m going to able to go to class without be- graduate but you can bet your ing groped by a stranger while ass I’m going to be rich as hell you’re pressed up against some- when I hit the Mega Millions. one’s backpack but you’ll still From there, I’ll invest my money be late because there’s still a ton in a fishing boat and travel the of traffic. You could get a bike world taking other rich busiwhich works great until the first time it rains; and if you’re not in shape it will take a while to get anywhere. Your last option is to never take a course that isn’t on the campus you live on, so you can walk to every class. No matter what you do, you’ll wish you went to a smaller school.
less they drop one of their quarters. Then it just becomes disgusting to watch them bend trying to retrieve it...unsuccessfully.
Automatic Flushing:
Has anyone ever been stressed out by all of the work that needs to be done to flush a toilet. Not only are these fuckers pointless but they’re rude as hell. I’ll tell you when I’m done taking a shit. You don’t just decide to flush when I’m middeuce-drop. And don’t you dare say it’s cleaner. Most likely if you’re in a bathroom, you’ve touched 700 things already since the last time you washed your hands that are far less sanitary than a toilet. I’m sure you can survive the next 12 seconds before you get to the sink to rewash your hands.
iPads:
OMG! They’re so revolutionary. Bull shit! I can pay $200 for a netbook with a 6-hour active battery life that I can run Microsoft Word on, in addition to checking my e-mail on and I bet it will have a webcam on it. What good is Angry Birds going to do me if I can’t type my 6-page paper?
REJECTION
THINGS YS... A S E H S
That Let You Know
You’re In The
BY EVERYDAY I’M TRUFFLIN’ NEWS EDITOR
1. “Hey, where are all the black frats at? 2. “OMG Pretty Little Liars season finale is on…come watch it with me!” 3. “Sure lets go out! How about With the winter season aplunch at Brower? I don’t wanna nessmen on chartered tuna trips. proaching and flip-flops going waste a meal swipe lol” back in the closet, people are go- Asian food-industry moguls 4. “I would like to hang with ing to be breaking out their cold- will line up on the docks to buy you at your apartment but I’m weather gear. This adorable my catch at a high price. With afraid of walking back home in outfit would be the perfect mix the seafood industry becoming the cold.” the largest money-maker in the of comfort, casual, and classy. world (since the war will leave 5. “Can you buy me alcohol?” Jacket: $500 most of Earth’s land masses inScarf: $315 THINK YOU’RE FUNNIER? habitable), I will become even Jeans: $160 richer. What now, bitches?!? Gloves: $ 60 THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM By Sha-NayNay Boots: $200
the Medium
OP/ED
Wednesday, October 5th, 2011
“I want a turkey sandwich WITH tomato...also pickles.”
POINT/COUNTERPOINT/COUNTERPOINT
The United States Needs to Aid People Living in Third World Conditions
BY NADIA CVETOVSKY Things might look bad for the Unites States economically, but if we were to peek outside of our egocentrist bubble for just one second, we would see that there is so much more suffering beyond what we could even imagine. If we all focused less on the petty bickering in Washington and looked at the big picture, it would be clear to us all that we need to work together to help out our brothers and sisters of the human race who are drastically less fortunate. We need to look past our borders and realize that things like famine, genocide, and disease shouldn’t still exist in the 21st century. America has so much potential make the whole world a better place, and we need to wake up. We have to stop focusing on ourselves and help out those in need.
The US Should Focus On Its Own Infrastructure Before Helping Others BY ASHLEY MORROW
The United States is trying to focus itself in too many directions. If we all came together like adults and solved our own national problems first, then we would be able to share our fortune with the world. How are we supposed to solve hunger worldwide when 4 out of 10 Americans are still going hungry? Why should we divert our resources to countries that want to see our demise? The situation will get worse overall if we continue to waste money trying to help places like Somalia where all the aid gets misdirected to the wrong hands and ends up bringing about the exact opposite of our goal. We are certainly better off than people living in third world conditions, but if we don’t get our act together, we will be a third world country ourselves.
P/CP
These Jerk Bus Drivers Always Make Me Late To Class!
BY CHARLIE DIETTE Goddamn it! That bus driver totally just closed the door on me! Doesn’t he realize I have Biochem on Livingston in like 20 minutes? I swear these drivers are like trying to make me late. I know they can see me when I’m running for the bus. The other guy this one guy looked me right in the eye and just closed the doors and drove off! I clearly could have jammed myself in right in front of that dumbass white line. He left so much room. Sometimes when I knock on the door because I need to get on they don’t even do anything! They’re just waiting at the crosswalk instead of opening the doors and letting me in early. I can’t believe the nerve of some of these assholes. Just because they never went to college and now they’re bus drivers doesn’t mean they have to take it out on me. I’m just trying to make a better life than the shitty minimum wage one they have. Don’t make me late just out of spite.
Is That Charlie Running For the Bus? Fuck That Kid. BY DARREL WOODS
Alright I have to make it to Livingston in 15 minutes, then I finally get a break, then I...is that Charlie Diette running for the bus? Oh, no way. Fuck that kid. That asshole is always knocking on the doors to get on. I can see him, but I’m not about to blow BY NICK PORTER through a crosswalk so he can get to lunch faster. Ladies, ladies... you know I like ‘em feisty, but you kitty cats And he’s constantly trying to shove himself need to simmer down a little. I think we would be able to come to and his gigantic backpack onto the bus when it’s a conclusion on this very serious issue if you beautiful gals would clearly full. Everyone is glaring at him and trying to let me buy you both some drinks to cool your heads. push him back out and he just keeps shoving. Also, Nadia made a good point when she said “we all have to work together.” And I legally can’t let him stand in front of the white line. Ashley’s argument that we all need to come together like adults was very persua- Get the hell off my bus, stop making trouble. sive. If you two fine women want to take a little spin and come back to my place, Plus I can read, asshole. I see all your damn we can certainly work it together. And if you gals are as forceful in other aspects op/ed pieces in the newspaper. Just because I’m a of your life as you are in your arguments, I’ve come to the conclusion that it will bus driver doesn’t mean I don’t pick up the paper. all work just fine. Maybe don’t criticize people in major publications Unlike the world’s food supply, there’s more than enough of me to go around. with your name attached to it. And you women are both more than enough to solve my hunger epidemic both Ha! Totally got away from him at Scott. Good, nationally and abroad. I believe we can solve this problem at home by exploring I hope that brat is late to class. beyond our established boundaries.
Let’s Take This Discussion Back To My Place
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
I Have a Great Point/Counterpoint Idea! BY JORDAN GOCHMAN, NEWS EDITOR
Point/Counterpoint? That’s one of my favorite things to write! Let me think… How about two guys in a bathroom and they are in the urinal next to each other and one guy is thinking “I hope he doesn’t look at my dick,” and the other guy is thinking “I hope he doesn’t look at my dick,” so they are basically saying the same thing. Funny, right? How about a political one where Obama is saying something rational and reasonable and then Rick Perry is going “BLAHBLAHTEAPARTYRELIGIONTAXESBLAHBLAH” and have his photo with him having devil horns. That would be so good! We haven’t done a lot of political stuff this year. Ahh! I haven’t had a brainstorm like this in months. My mind is racing! Or even having a point counterpoint where a frat boy is going “I totally slipped a roofie in your drink,” and then a sorostitute is saying “My drink tastes funny,” and then the words get blurry and it looks like her head hits the keyboard. Maybe even a thing where I quote myself so that I could have a shameless plug of my own name. Wait, I can’t? Really? Just this once? Damn.
Hmm, You Need An Article From Me? BY SHANE WHELAN, FEATURES EDITOR
I like when you write your own point/counterpoints because they’re so freaking hilarious. My dad loves to read them, especially that one you wrote about the Asian guy that is being worked to death and that white-collar business guy that’s being worked to death. It was so funny because both entries had the same theme but it was like they were being told by different people from completely different backgrounds! But yeah, I don’t know, let’s see. How about something to do with Christopher Walken and no…maybe not…no. Hmm…how about you write one about a guy in a car that looks at another guy in the car who is also staring back at him? Wait, no, that would be stupid. That would probably be one of the worst point/counterpoints you could do. I can’t really think today, sorry. I’m too busy trying to find something adorable to put on my page this week. Oh! That’s it! You could do a point/counterpoint on somebody saying cats are cute and another person saying cats aren’t! Yes, that’s it! Do it. Do it. Doooo iiiiit!!!
ARTS
Wednesday, October 5th, 2011
the Medium
“Would you like some spaghetti?”
COMICS ABOUT DRUGS
MUSIC REVIEW Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People reviewed by Rapist Glasses hipster editor
I love this song. It is so chill. It’s the perfect mellow indie rock song for early fall. It clearly has ambient, shoegaze influences but also sounds like a tiny band that’s only gained minor popularity in Sweden who lists The Shins and The xx as their influences. It’s sad that the music scene today is so saturated with hip hop and R&B from
COMICS ABOUT MY DAY
wannabe’s who are trying to be the last wannabe that sold out enough to get popular. Whenever “Pumped Up Kicks” comes on the radio, or plays in the dining hall, I always think about how artists like this deserve... wait... Is this song popular? I hate it.
PPPPP 0/5
Make a comic, vandalize a wall, review popular media send it to themedium.arts@gmail.com
the Medium
imPERSONALS “They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!”
OBNXS BSTRDS
CTRL+ALT+DEL
CREEEEEPIN
Dear Girl on the LX, Why the hell are you wearing an obnoxiously warm scarf right now?! It’s 85 degrees outside. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!? Everyone and I mean, EVERYONE knows you’re trying to cover up your disgusting hickies.; you’re just making matters worse with the hideously fugly scarf. So here’s a word to the wise, stay away from vampires on thirsty Thursday.
To the asian chick at the computer lab. WHY ARE YOU SO ASIAN?!?!? You’re using two computers at once, and typing like 59353083058 words per minute. What the fuck?
To the brown eyed girl. What ever happened to tuesday and so slow, goin down the old mine, with a transistor radio?
(At least someone is getting lucky. Sounds like someone needs to go out and get some hickies themself. GTF Over it.) To the asshole in the elevator at the Rutgers Student Center. You need to get over your trust issues. I pressed the button for the fourth floor already and everyone else trusted my judgment. Yet, you decided to press the same button, which was already illuminated.
(Why the fuck do you even care. Its a fuckin’ elevator. Ride the elevator and my dick and shut the fuck up.) To the short bitch that tried to get on the empty F bus at 8:45 PM at the SAC. There were only 3 people getting on the bus and it was empty so why tthe fuck did you push me out of the way. (Probably cuz bitchez be slow as hell. You motherfuckers need to speed your asses up. Some people got places to be.) To the black girl in my class with that big fuckin’ obnoixious lime green bag. You and your girlllfriends need to stop eating brower grilled chicken in class. Its class, not a movie theater. (I was going say racist, but if you were really racist, I guess you would have said fried chicken. Meh.) ((Dr. K. and his big black dick approve of the above comment.)) To the asshole whats shakin editor. You and ur imaginary girlfriend need to go fuck each other. Actually, I don’t understand how that would work. Hmmmm. I guess you’d be fucking yourself? Weeiiiirrrrrddddd...
Wednesday, October 5th, 2011
(Who the fuck are you? Some Scootish singer from the 60s? Fucking dick. Give (Let asians be asian, what- me some real content ) ever that entails...) I like to creep creep crep TO THE ASSHOLE creep creep creep creep THAT KEEPS FUCK- creep creep creep creep ING UP THE PRINTERS creep creep creep creep AT LSM. TAKE YOUR creep PHARMACY STUDENT (You are a sick fuck, why ASS TO THE PHARdon’t you do something useMACY AND OD ON ful like study, or plot world SOMETHING. I NEED domination. I dont care just TO PRINT A PAPER FOR dont be a creep. Also stop MY CLASS IN 10 MINsubmitting bullshit. Good UTES, BUT INSTEAD content people, good conI’M SITTING HERE tent) WAITING FOR YOU TO PRINT AND REPRINT To my friend off camAND REPRINT YOUR pus, why is it you only FUCKING NTOES. call me when you need (You should ask him for a something? Don’t you chill pill and take it. And ever call just to say hey or maybe chill once in some codeine.) a while. We used to be dear rsc printer, roommates and chill but i know that you cannot now you drop off the face read this, but apparently of the planet until you you cannot read my print need a fucking ride home job either. go fuck your- or something. Why don’t self in your printerly way. you just go fuck yourself. sincerely, (Well I enjoyed the powercollege student. ful jewish mother start but (This has to be the worst it just got really “end of the personal I’ve ever seen. Not bro-mance” towards the comment worthy.) end. So I am stuck between To whoever logged me that was kinda amusing, out in the LSM when I and you fucking suck) went to the bathroom To the Wine and Lifestyle Thursday. Because of page. I cannot see the you, I had to completely things you cannot unsee. redo a 3 page paper, and It haunts me and keeps a computer applications me up at night. I may assignment because it have to go to therapy was gone whne I logged now. Keep up the good back in. I hope you en- work. joyed using my once To Rutgers. Tis the season computer when there for red flannel! was a room dfull of them not being used you fuck- (This means you are either being trendy, a hipster, a ing dick. redneck, an auto mechanic, (Okay, first of all. Stop tak- a lumberjack a scarecrow, or ing long shits and jerking like your editor, just a guy off in the library, and no who doesnt give a single one will log your ass out. goddamn fuck and needs Secondly, are you seriously to stay warm in 40 degree bitching over a three page weather) paper when I have a 5 page one I need to do, but instead To Easton Ave. Fuck your I’m reading this shit? Fuck lack of parking all the you, and get a fuckin’ flash time. What if I wanted to go get frozen yogurt on a drive.) friday night? Well I did, To the guy in front of me and the closest parking in gen bio in the arc build- was like across town. You ing. clear your fuckin’ suck history. Everytime you reopen google chrome, (Suck it up, the whole town we see that your most is only like 5 square miles. visited site is youporn. If it bothers you so damn com. Nothing against much then take your busiporn but keep it private. ness elsewhere)
GEE WHIZ MR. DOUGLASS!
So here is your left side personals page once again, and we have little to no submissions this week? You guys are fucking pitiful. If you do not know who I am, then you don’t deserve to know. All I’m going to tell you is my name is two letters, and I live on a farm on TV. What? Not glamorous enough for you? Well, we all aren’t spoiled and privileged like you fucks. Some of us have to live off the grid with a pig thats addicted to TV, and drive a Hoyt Clagwell tractor. Whatever, you guys suck. Submit to the personals or I will fuck you sideways with a shovel. Send your personals and other random shit to
themedium.personals@gmail.com
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 5th, 2011
the Medium
“Me so horned, me hurt you long time.”
OUR FAULT?
CLASS CUNTS
TIRADE!!!!
To the medium: stop making me look like an idiot in class. I always read your paper when it comes out and I laugh my ass off every single time. Next thing you know, the people around me are all giving me weird looks. I’m not sure if I should be angry or happy. This paper is the best but I guess it comes at a price. (I/we take no responsibility for your reactions to our illustrious publication and whatever fallout they may produce.)
to the green haired girl in my philosophy lecture: SHUT THE FUCK UP (Anyone with green hair that’s past high school and not in the circus needs to be punched in the face and shaved.) To the girl who won’t stop talking in class when it should be over, I’m currently suppressing violent diarrhea of rapturous proportions because of you. Stfu so I can obliterate the nearest public restroom asap.
to the indian girl on the second floor of a richardson building, why are you screaming at your boyfriend when the walls are so thin? my friends and i heard everything, and hope that your boyfriend spends his birthday with his friends instead of a shrilly cunt like yourself. if you cant’t FOCUS on your work because of a college boyfriend, you should probably not be with him, or you should probably not have a boyfriend. also, if you are so determined to FOCUS on your studying, why were you screaming at him to watch the big bang theory with you? also, why do you watch the idiotic and not funny the big bang theory? stupid question. if you have to loudly demand for your bf to BE NICE and SAY I LOVE YOU, it may be time to end it. why would he care that you are getting your vagina waxed next saturday, and that you are getting guacamole and candles for his birthday? unless you plan on smearing the guacamole on your vagina, that sounds amazing as fuck. when you started crying i felt sorta bad, but then you kept crying like a girly cartoon character. no one wants to fuck a soggy brown bitch
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA We had only ONE page this week and you STILL couldn’t fill it? Terrible, terrible, terrible. Not even gonna bother bitching about it this week. You guys have pissed me off that much. TheMedium.Personals@Gmail.com
ROOMATE HATE Dear Roommate, I’ve noticed that, through three weeks of the semester, you have yet to leave our room except to piss, shit, and eat. Do you not feel any remorse at taking your parents money and then never going to class? Is there no shame involved at having your mother kick down our door at 8 AM to ask why you are such a loser? Is it considered acceptable to sit around complaining about how “difficult” Pokemon is to master while I’m struggling to write an honest-to-god research paper? How about cooking a nice TV dinner at five in the morning while I’m trying to sleep, is that really kosher where you come from? My guess is that you’re a loser no matter where you are, and that you are hiding at Rutgers to escape the shaming stare of Mommy & Daddy. Consider manning up and doing something with your life instead of simply sitting around and irritating me. Cordially, your Roommate.
FUCK, I’M OUT OF SUBMISSIONS!!
To my professor: you are one gullible piece of shit. Thank you.
To the guy at the computer next to me: what the FUCK noise did you just make? To the asshole at the computer lab Monday who felt the need to monopolize the entire stapling table: fuck you. And to the guy who felt the need to point it out: fuck you too.
(Is her mouth diarrhea provoking your anal diarrhea? Obvious solution here: shit in her mouth!! Then film it and sell it to a German porn site, instant millions!) To Tartuffe, how dare I want a BDSM threeyou proclaim such piety some with Amanda Knox whilst engaging in such and Casey Anthony. acts of letchery, and under the very roof of your (You’re either really kinky most compassionate paor have a death wish. Or a tron! May He admonish really kinky death wish.) you thoroughly in the afSo I was in a really good To the people of Brower terlife. Sincerely, Bored in mood today as a result Commons: What pos- Tragedy class of masturbating over sessed you to play Josh Do you really think no twenty times over this Groban’s “You Raise one notices you pickpast weekend. Is anyone me Up”? Either create ing your nose, roll your proud of me, because I’m a decent soundtrack or booger up into a ball, proud of me. :D:D:D:D:D switch to a better station. then pick at your ear with (Uh, sure why not? DeRemember: it’s a dining the same fingers? We are pends on if you’re a dude or hall, not Relay for Life. in graduate school. Grow not.) To the asshole complain- up. To everyone: I hate you ing about the bitches (Well obviously not...) and everything you stand on the REXL on SunTo my Calc IV teacher... for. Love: everyone else. day nights. Your right what the shit is with your P.S. Go fall in a hole and they needed to be a little pit stains? You come into (Point made?) die Glenn Beck. louder because the REXL class everyday with your doesn’t run on Sundays back, moob, and armpit THE NEXT MEDIUM TRIBAL FEAST WILL OCCUR TONIGHT AT you fucker. area wet from sweat. You are the epidemic on un- 8:00 PM EDT/2000 HOURS AT THE BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER (OWNED!!!!!!!) athletic math nerds who IN ROOM 116B. THE MENU WILL INCLUDE ROASTED DUCK, To the poor little asian dont do shit all day. Wear SUCKLING PIG, FRESHLY-KILLED BLUE WHALE STEAKS AND kid who go macked by an undershirt at least a car infront of scott LABRADOR BURGERS - THEY’RE A DELICACY IN CHINA. SEhall. I’m sorry you had (Dude, he’s (assuming it’s RIOUSLY PEOPLE, FUCKING SUBMIT SHIT SO I DON’T HAVE TO to learn the hard way of a male, because we all know the basic fundamental women don’t do math) a DO THIS CRAP EVERY GOD DAMN WEEK. of crossing a street stop, fucking Calc IV teacher, you AN ELEPHANT TAKING A SHIT look, and listen. Maybe seriously had to ask why he next time you’ll second has pit stains? What are guess texting while cross- you doing in Calc IV if you can’t deduce that, idiot?) ing a busy road. (Natural selection is just To RH: Seriously, go suck chomping at the bit for this a bag of dicks. A huge one, because we all know one...) you are a little bitch anyTo the person who said way. people from Ohio look like they have fetal alco- To the asshat on the fuckhol syndrome- I sincerely ing Segway on College hope your life is a huge ave: No one fucking failure and you end up likes you, asshole. I hope begging for change, be- someone runs your lazy, cause you are a first-class fat ass over. Oh, and we all know who you are, alidiot. (Nah, I find that most mid- though you can’t threatwesterners do look like their en us with you fictional I told you that I was gonna do it. TheMedium.Personals@gmail.com to prevent lawyers this time. elephant shit from gracing this page. These will get progressively worse... mothers drank.) Have y’all noticed how recently on TextsFromLastNight.com there are way more texts about tripping shrooms? This gives me great pleasure. Thanks Irene for giving us plentiful shrooms this fall! (For those of you who are unaware, google “Hurricane Irene Mushrooms.” Step 2: enjoy!!!)
WINE AND LIFESTYLE
Wednesday, October 5th, 2011
“Can’t we all just get along? xoxoxoxoxo”
THINGS THAT AREN’T REAL BUT....
NOT UNSEEABLE
Indestructable Cars! RESTAURANT REVIEW
An Analysis of Szechuan Express By: Morgan Freeman
Szechuan Express is a classic restaurant on the Rutgers scene, frequently seen in multiple student centers although only at Busch this year. I have sampled the plethora of dishes they have to offer and have deemed them satisfactory. They certainly have the best Chinese food located in any student center. The orgasmic aroams projected by the delicious chicken and broccoli are just a hint of the meal to come when you sit down at the Szechuan Express. Take a trip, perhaps a fancy date with a potential significant other. They are sure to be impressed by the five star cuisine provided at this fine establishment. Granted, the prices may be deep for a college student, even one who is trying to wow a potential mate. At $5.95, this meal may be one of the more expensive of your semester, but in the end, memories are more important than money.
• NO MORE PAYING FOR DAMAGES • WHO DOESN’T WANT TO PLAY REAL LIFE BUMPER CARS WITHOUT MUCH RISK OF INJURY • NO MORE BROKEN GLASS EVERYWHERE • ONLY CONCUSSIONS AND WHIPLASH! • DRUNK DRIVING? NO PROBLEM! • DRIVING THROUGH THE OCEAN? NO PROB!
What the Fuck is that? If you know, email me.
A GAME OF CHESS ANYONE? As I myself enjoy a good old interactive game I present you with one to enjoy as well. Play with a friend or a stranger! I’m sorry about the copyright smudge on the side, I hope you guys can forgive me for using these chess pieces. They were the best I could find, promise :).
Curious on how to be classy like me? Spending day in and day out finding things that should be real that aren’t and finding things that people cannot unsee? Well an easy path to enlightenment is upon you!
FANCY OF THE WEEK
Salmon sushi, om nom nom
COME TO THE MEDIUM MEETING! TONIGHT AT 8PM! BCC ROOM 116B
CLAIM THE MAGICAL PENIS PRIZE AT THE END!
Solve this handmade maze. You must answer the riddle too.
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW
enter
I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. What am I?
Ryan Felder Opeth - Heritage I’ll give them credit - Opeth have balls. For this, their most recent full-length release, they completely uproot their distinctive death metal / progressive rock fusion and replace the harsh metal riffs and death growls with clean vocals and fusion melodies, ala Return To Forever orMahavishnu Orcheatra. Opeth’s association with progressive rockers Porcupine Tree are obvious here. The album is full of quiet acoustic parts. The whole thing feels a little forced and thrown together; that being said, it’s still good. Opeth fans will have a hard time with this album; they will almost certainly lose some of their diehard metalhead fans. However, this represents a massive musical overhaul that will also bring in some new fans. I personally like it, but this will surely be one of the most controversial and divisive records of 2011. Steve Buscemi’s watching