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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly
Volume xliI Issue VII
OCTOBER 26TH, 2011
COFFEE
PATRONS OF NEW DUNKIN DONUTS SHOCKED TO FIND A CAMPUS THERE TOO BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
DOUGLASS—Douglass Campus at Rutgers University has been known for years for its idyllic buildings, its beautiful fields and its progressive approach to Women's Education. But, with the opening of a new eatery in the Douglass Campus Center, the former home of New Jersey's first college for women will now have even more that will make its founders proud: donuts and coffee. With the opening of a new Dunkin' Donuts, the second one to be placed on a Rutgers campus, the forgotten campus has finally stepped into the spotlight. "Really, Douglass has been ignored for a while," said Lauren Brophy, a representative from Douglass. "When you think about it, up until last year Douglass was basically as dull as Livingston, except the buildings were designed at a time
50¢ BATTLE
Mets given 10 game handicap for next season
Despite this clear advantage, they will probably still lose.
McDonalds fans celebrate return of McRib "We can only cheer loudly for, like, two minutes before we start panting and wheezing." COOK/DULLNESS CAMPUS Not only one, but TWO campuses have reportedly been found at Dunkin Donuts, one of which has the livestock to supply milk for your coffee.
when architecture was meant to be good looking." Continued Brophy, "I mean, I would have rather eaten at Old Tillett than at the Douglass Cafe. At Tillett, the food was terrible, but at least there you could eat as much of it as you wanted." The opening of the new food stand, highlighted by free coffee and tea on a recent week-
ATTENDANCE
Samuel L. J a c k s o n plays MLK on Broadway
end, trumped any previous major event on campus. "It was an exciting thing back when the Jameson dorms "I had a mothafuckin' dream, opened," said campus histo- that one day, this mothafuckin' rian Gwen Carthwright. "But nation would rise up..." the excitement lasted for only a Joan Rivers being few minutes, at which point all herself for the girls moved in, locked their doors and started quietly studyHalloween ing. "Its gonna be great! I'll have to have like 30 surgeries to get my big old nose and eyes back, but it'll be sooo worth it!"
Self-reporting absence system successful Average daily attendance for classes at 95%
BY DR. K MANAGING EDITOR
COLLEGE AVE —This year, the university began a trial of an online self-reporting absence system to have a more accurate depiction of class attendance by students. After reviewing data from the first month of the trial, it has been deemed a success. The average attendance rate for all classes is 99.5%. “I am thrilled to see these numbers,” said Dean Joseph Branch. “We had heard reports that some classes don’t take attendance and that the students would regularly miss classes and only show up for exams. Only 3 students have reported themselves as being absent all year, though.” Students feel that the new procedure is very intimidating. “I used to miss lecture all the time without giving it a second thought,” said SAS junior Kelsey
Iverson assures his 2-day tournament is a game "We talkin' bout a game man. Not practice, not practice, not practice. We talkin' about a game man!"
OH, WHERE TO SIT..... This class was reported to have 100% attendance on October 23rd, 2011.
Logan. “No one knew or cared if I was absent. Now that I have to report it, I just give in and go to class every day instead of watching Jersey Shore reruns.” The results of this experiment have lead to many other initiatives to be started in coming semesters such as an on-
line application where students must log the amount of sleep they get every night, and an application where students must report each time they have unprotected sex after drinking. Trials of these new applications will begin in Fall 2012.
Whip it good!
ESTABLISHED 1970
Dolphins forfeit next 10 games; Colts call bullshit Tensions rise as both teams try and play horribly in order to get top QB prospect Andrew Luck. "The Dolphins are full of shit! " said Colts, "We just gave up 62 pts. to the Saints! We are sooo the worst team in football. We're gonna get Andrew Luck and that's that!"
the Medium
NEWS
Wednesday, October 26th, 2011
“Blue Moon has a twist off cap, dipshit.”
PANCAKESSSSS
Obama promises to pull out
STATISTICIANISM
Libya signs movie deal BY THE KILLA WHALE AND PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITERS
(SEXUAL) CONGRESS The nation's leader plans to snuggle with Iraq before leaving the nation's number on the nightstand. BY PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITER
WASHINGTON DC—Nearly nine years after America's insertion into Iraq, President Barack Obama has promised the world he will "pull put." While the first phase of Obama's plan appeases popular American sentiment, the second phase leaves Iraqis disconcerted. "Following phase one, the 'pull out'," said Obama, "we will initiate phase two of the operation: prayer." The strategy, dubbed by the White House as Operation Pull Out and Pray for Iraq, has been assailed by its critics as a highly ineffective strategy for preventing proliferation of insurgencies. Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-Ohio) came forward with his own opinion: "As a Boehner, I hail from a long line of men who believed in the pull-out-and-pray method. I stand before you today as direct evidence of its inefficien-" Cut off by an aide whisper-
ing something into his ear, Boehner continued, "Um, so like, if we don't want our little visit to Iraq to result in swarms of little insurgencies running amok, it is imperative that we use protection-ahem, you know, like security forces...or something." Conservative figurehead Rush Limbaugh commented on the matter during his radio show, saying, "Obama's support for late-term abortions of our military goals in Iraq goes against traditional Christian values. Pull out and pray? If you want to see Heaven, you had better endorse Operation Finish Inside Iraq then Endure the Consequences." In rebuttal, Obama replied, "Nothing is more American than occupying a country then leaving it to raise our ideal armies. We did it with West Germany, South Korea, South Vietnam, and now Iraq. Fact is, we don't have the time to raise these armies but we're happy to contribute bi-weekly Congress-ordered monetary support."
LIBYA—Libyan Prime Minister Mahmoud Jibril announced yesterday that he has reached a two-part movie deal with Paramount Pictures. In wake of Dictator Muammar Gaddafi’s death, Libyan officials have struggled to keep their country in the spotlight of the media. “We need to rebuild. Gaddafy kept us isolated for so long that we can’t afford to lose any coverage. Hopefully making a movie will keep our story going,” said Jibril. Since Gadoffee was captured with a golden pistol, presumably LARPing (Live-Action Role-Playing) to 007: Goldeneye, producers decided to make the movie a James Bond sequel in which the dictator gains possession of the coveted weapon. Paramount Pictures released a statement that they are hoping this story will have the same success as the original Golden-
eye movie, which grossed over $350M in 1995. “GoldenEye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, you name it. They were all blockbusters to some degree,” said Paramount Chairman and C.E.O. Brad Grey. Historians take issue with the premise of the movie, saying that depicting Gadaffi as James Bond’s adversary would convolute the fact that he was captured pretending to be James Bond. Producers, while trying not to divulge sensitive plot information, have rebutted that Qaddaffi might in fact play a Bond imitator in the film, if they can get past the fact that Bond was fresh and handsome, and the dictator looked like Captain Barbossa from Pirates of the Caribbean. “We’re looking at Geoffrey Rush for the role of Gadhafi and maybe hiring Bruce Willis to kick some ass,” said Grey. Libyan officials stated that filming is set to begin next month at one of Paramount’s affiliate studios in Oklahoma.
You could have filled this space with brilliant social satire.
You dick.
Its ok. I didn't mean that. Come to our meeting tonight at BCC 118 at 8:00 and I'll forgive you.
Editorial Staff Fall 2011
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Senior Editor
Kaitie Davis Kenneth Brooks Joey Threlfall Reven MacQueen
News Editors Jordan Gochman John Eberhardt Features Editor Shane Whelan Opinions Editor Amy DiMaria Arts Editor Kristen Cignavitch Personals Editors Steve Troulis III Dave Imbriaco
Wine & Lifestyle Editor Phillip Li
Copy Editor Secretary Webmaster Faculty Advisor Resident Douche I'm king of the world!
Steve Troulis X Amy DiMaria Kenneth Brooks Barbara Reed Bob Loblaw Oh, shit! Iceberg!
The Medium is the entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to inebreation. Because I turn 21 this weekend and the quality of this page is going to go out the fucking wwindow.
FEATURES
Wednesday, October 26th, 2011
the Medium
“Page 3.”
FISHING REPORTS
THE POOP DECK With Roy Decker
Fall trout season is slowly starting to pick up with sexy rainbows, brooks, and browns being caught. In addition, sticks and branches have been hitting top-water lures at a steady rate. New Jersey Fish & Wildlife stocked over 300 fully mature bags in Farrington Lake, East Brunswick. From grocery to trash bags, best ways to catch them are to use expensive lures. The newer the lure, the bigger the catch. Most popular beers this autumn have been Sam Adams Octoberfest, Killians Irish Red, Yuengling Black & Tan, and Goldstar Lager. Shoreline fisherman have been known to carry coolers on hand-trucks while boatgoers have been using backpacks to conceal their beverages. Captain Bill Larsen of the party boat “Tabitha Sea” have noticed the water has been calm but produces waves occasionally. He reports only 16 fisherman in the past two weeks have vomited overboard. Overall, fishing has been pretty good.
CHARTS ARE BACK BY YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDLY CHART-GUY STAFF CHART GUY, Ph.D.
I MOVED THIS PART OVER TO THE RIGHT A LITTLE
bitter rivals
of the week
Katie Maier
Scott Frangione
Although she doesn’t actually go to Rutgers, she did attend several parties.
Although he doesn’t go to Rutgers, he knows how to get to Easton Avenue.
Height: Reach: Record: KO’s: Resides: Finisher: Style:
Height: Reach: Record: Been KO’ed: Resides: Finisher: Style:
5-foot-nothing Scratching distance 33-1-6 33 Switzerland The Cat Nip Brazilian-Jiu-Jitsu
CUTE THING
Red hair For candy 2-46-0 46 In his room Ginger Spice Bar-room-brawl
TRICK OR TREAT, SMELL MY FEET-URES THEMEDIUM.FEATURES@GMAIL.COM
HEALTH/SCIENCE
ADDERALL (THE BEST WAY)
I don’t want to do this anymore. You people can’t make me put a cute thing here every week. I’m going to slowly wean everyone off cute animals. This possum is perfect. It’s neither too cute nor ugly...it’s just a possum. Warning: You may experience “cute thing withdrawal” from this week’s issue but your addiction must be undone. Enjoy your possum, suckaaaaaas.
NO TENGO DINERO
Things That Have Fucked Our Economy in the Ass BY DR. K MANAGING EDITOR
The economy is shit. We all know it, all you have to do is walk into any big city and see all of the bums lining the street like human decorations. We have no one to blame but ourselves for wasting our money on these pointless objects. Trading Cards: What the fuck were we thinking? Pokemon cards are selling on eBay for thousands of dollars to sit in a plastic sheet of paper in a binder that most likely isn’t even stored in a fireproof safe. God forbid these geeks throw water on a grease fire when they make their customary nightly dinner of hot dogs and french fries. Apple products: Rest in peace Steve Jobs, but seriously, why
BY SATANIC YODA SENIOR PERSONALS EDITOR
Studying not going so well? Were you hung over in the class when the professor gave out the study guide for your upcoming midterm? Are you just a lazy piece of shit who puts everything off until the last minute and them crams their fucking brains out for a C? If any of these applies to you, chances are you’ve either heard of or used the university student’s favorite amphetamine: ADDERALL! However, Adderall comes with a nasty downside: getting that shit up your nose. But what if I were to tell you that there’s a much better way to enhance your studying using the same shit but without it going up your nose? You’d be really fucking happy, right? Well, be really fucking happy! I’m going to explain to you how to “Parachute” your pills... the fuck do we pay an extra $500 for shinier plastic and pretty desktop backgrounds? College: Wanna make a lot of money in the future? Pay us $90,000 now, and when you get out of college you may possibly be able to find a job that pays $35,000 per year. We can’t guarantee that though, you may make more or you may have no job for a few years. Can’t afford it? Get a loan! Then when you do or don’t get that job when you get out of college, you can pay it back with interest slowly.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED • • • •
ADDERRALL YOUR STUDENT ID TISSUE PAPER GLASS OF WATER
1. Tear a piece of tissue paper into a 1 inch by 1 inch square. 2. Use your ID to cut up your pills - the smaller the better. This also serves as excellent practice for snorting opiumbased painkillers later on in your academic and professional career when you realize how shitty you are. 3. Now that you have the pill nicely broken up, put the powder onto the middle of the tissue paper square and pull the corners up and pinch it shut. It should look like a tear drop, like the ones your parents are crying in shame because they worked so hard to put your ungrateful ass through college. Now you have your parachute! 4. Put the parachute on the back of your tongue and wash it down with some water. 5. Wait about half an hour (on average) and study, fuckface! So you start and can’t afford it anymore...well it’s okay, you can transfer or drop out. You will never get your transcript until you finish paying off your last semester’s debt, and as such there won’t be proof that you were ever here at all. But don’t try to start new! That’s illegal. HAPPY HALLOWEEN USE SMART PHONE & SCAN IMAGE
OP/ED
the Medium
“Seven years dungeon, no trials.”
FEATURED COMMENTARY
Are You Leaving Your Shoes Here? I Guess That’s Ok BY WELCOME MAT
Hi! Welcome home! I missed you! The whole house missed you! I’m so happy that you’re home from work! I love being the first thing that greets you to ease the tension of the long day you had! Oh, you’re walking away, like I’m not even here. Well, that’s okay. I’ll see you the next time you leave, which I hope is not too soon! Umm, excuse me, you left your muddy shoes right on top of me. You just left them and then walked away. Well, that’s okay. I don’t mind at all! I’ll just be here waiting for you! Oh, there’s someone at the door! Welcome! Welcome! Ahh they’re ringing the doorbell! I love when there are guests! I hope you enjoy your stay in this humble abode! Yay! You’re back! And thank you for kicking your muddy shoes off of me! I mean, it was alright, I don’t want you to think I’m mad, because I’m not at all.
ADVICE
Wednesday, October 26th, 2011
I love guests! I’m so excited! And you have such a lovely rain coat and such a beautiful umbrella! Oh, you’re leaving your umbrella on me? I’ll be all cold and wet... But I guess I am made of twine, so it is better for me to soak up the rainwater than to have it make a puddle all over the tile.. And now you’re leaving your shoes here!
“Oh wow, I’m pretty muddy and dirty now.” Sometimes I feel like people just walk all over me. But, since your shoes are here, that means you’ll have to come back at some point! I guess it’s alright then. Oh wow, I’m pretty muddy and dirty right now. I could definitely use a bath. Maybe you could take my inside with you and run me through the washer. But I don’t want to
get the inside of your lovely home all dirty just on account of me. Forget I said anything about it. It’s really not important. Aw, you’re bringing the dog out! I love him, he’s such a sweetheart. Oh gosh, that bone he dropped is covered in spit. You should pick it up for him instead of leaving it on me. Not that I’m trying to tell you what to do! I’ll keep an eye on it for Murphy. His tail will be wagging like crazy when he comes home and sees it. I just care about what makes you guys happy. I’ll be waiting right here when you get home! I love getting to welcome you and hopefully make your day a little brighter. I mean my only purpose is to welcome you and your guests... Maybe someday I’ll be able to stand up for myself...Someday I’ll be a welcome mat and not a door mat. And when that day finally comes Yay! You’re home!
POINT/COUNTERPOINT
This Guy Better Move His Seat BY AMANDA WILSON
This guy has been sitting next to me on the bus since Biel Road and even though almost everyone is gone people he’s still stays in the same seat. What is this problem? He really needs to move before I make him move. I’m gonna call my boyfriend and get him to handle this freak. There are a hundred open seats. This ride is so awkward and I can’t take much more of it. I’m just gonna look out the window for few minutes and maybe he’ll be gone when I look back. OMG he made eye contact with me. This guy is a huge creep. He probably wants to get in my pants or something. I am about to kick this guy’s ass if he doesn’t take any of the open seats. PICK A DIFFERENT SEAT!
Oh God, I’m Too Scared to Move BY BRANDON SEARCH
So the bus was very packed today and I was forced to sit next to this really pretty girl who looks crazy intimidating. Then as more people came off I realized I was sitting all alone next to her. What’s going to happen to me? She looks so angry. Is she gonna yell at me? I bet she has some huge boyfriend who could kick my ass. I would seriously move but I am afraid I might offend her. OH GOD! What do I do in this situation? She might think that there is something wrong with her if I move. I need to get off no matter what the next stop is. I’d rather walk to my dorm even if it’s on another campus. Gotta make my move. I can’t deal with this right now. SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Ask A Pizza Delivery Guy
Dear Pizza Delivery Guy, I’m supposed to get married next week but I think I’ve finally realized that I’m in love with my fiancee’s best friend. She really understands me and a connects to me on a level that I could never imagine with my current fiancee. I was determined to never let her know about my feelings and just go through with the wedding. However, a few days ago I got really close to sleeping with the friend and now I’m even more confused. Should I tell my fiancee and call off the wedding or is it better to move forward with the wedding? Sincerely, Torn in Tulsa
Dear Torn, Oh. Um...I’m not really...I was just delivering the pizza. I wasn’t really expecting this. Um...is there anyone else you could ask about this? I-I don’t know if I’m really qualified to answer. Can I just hand you the pizza and you’ll give me the money? Sir, please. I’m just a pizza delivery guy. I don’t really know about relationships. I’ve never been engaged before. I’m only 20 years old. Look I have another stop before I get back to Pizza Hut. Their pizza is in the car, it’s gonna get cold. I’m not gonna get a good tip if I have to show up late with cold pizza. And if I don’t get back to the restaurant on time my boss will be mad. I can take the pizza back if this is the only reason you called. Do you even have the money for this? Sir, I’m just gonna leave now.
themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com
themedium.opinions@gmail.com
themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com themedium.opinions@gmail.com
NEXT WEEK
There’s Still Like A Tablespoon of Peanut Butter in the Jar if You Scrape the Sides
Wednesday, October 26th, 2011
ARTS
the Medium
“Hippo sloth.”
COMICS
COMING TO THEATRES THIS HALOWEEN
TRUE TERROR
the Medium
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 26th, 2011
“You’ve gone from modest to capitalist within a matter of seconds”
RED HANDED
JAZZ HANDS
To My Roomie: I sucked such big cock last night and I'm so sorry!!! I didn't mean to bring the most obnoxious people into our room at 2 am, n then drop my chicken parm all over the floor and I'm laughing while I'm typing this, probs because I'm still drunk and have that test in an hour.. but I'm pretty sure you put in a room change request after last night. I think having a personal written to you is the sincerest of all apologies... So please forgive meeeee!! <3
to my gf's Jesus-freak/ succubus/she-devil roomie: betr get used to the fact that NORMAL ppl have SEX. this is RU where we have our own STD. if the thought of penis & balls disturbs u, then go 2 a nunnery in Europe, wher u can b safe from the REAL world. I also hav no interest in ur room or any of your bible-thumping property.
HANDJOBS
To the Medium... While I can appreciate your good intentions in writing a guide to masturbation, why on earth would you pick the sex that has been wacking one off since the day they wanted to suck on tits other than their mom's? Seriously, if a college guy needs a guide for jerking off he doesn't deserve to have a dick. I'd say write some (Nice reference to the “Scar- sex advice that's actually lett Knight.” Seriously useful, but given the fact though, welcome to college that you couldn't figure where sex is as common as out how useless that colbreathing. Believe what you umn would be says you want, but its the way shit probably don't have ex(And roommate of the year is) perience with other dicks goes to.... somebody far far away from this whole sce- To the girl in my abnor- let alone pussy. mal psych class, you are nario.) so fucking hot, I want to (You will have your turn To the book I need to read do the nasty with you til you impatient little bitch. for class, maybe it was a the sun comes up. I love I never said you weren’t getting your masturbation bad idea to set you on fire you <3 guide. Stop raging just bebefore I finished reading. (1) Kinda creepy dude, 2) cause you thought you were That test is going to be a Im sure the feeling is not never going to be taught bitch now. mutual on her part, 3) Who how to touch yourself. Turn (Sounds like you are com- the fuck says “do the nasty” the page and you will see pletely fucked, and you have any more, get with the times that one of our contributing nobody to blame but your- and stop being a fucking writers has written someself. Congrats dumbass.) creep. Also, if this is an ab- thing for you as well. PerTo the little kid on George normal psych class, are you sonally, I think some people need to learn the start-n-stop street who tried to pick a student or an exhibit?) To the rugby girl sitting method of masturbation so I pocket me, fuck you next to me on the bus wrote about it. ALSO WHY (Sounds like he was pick THE FUCK WOULD pocketing at a 5th grade lev- bashing my sorority: I'll I HAVE EXPERENCE el. Must make his parents still kick your ass, shut WITH OTHER DICKS up. proud ) “LET ALONE” PUSSY? This implies that you think most guys interact with other men and their genitalia before venturing into the all holy land of women. Just so you know, a lot of guys never have a homosexual experience let alone start off with it in their experimentation with sex. You are stupid. You are naive and you are indefinitely unfuckable. Now go read the guide provided to you and fuck off. Have a nice day and a nice Halloween.-W&L Editor) To the obnoxious guy on my floor who thinks its cool to bang on everyone’s door at 3 in the morning, why don’t you just fuck off and die. The last thing i need is to be woken up by some drunken jackoff who feels the need to let everyone know hes home. Why don’t you just walk yourself off a fucking roof (Sounds like somebody had their “beauty sleep” disrupted. Stop bitching and take some goddamn action)
ANOTHER ONE FROM THE ARCHIVES
This photo was taken on College ave in 1960 as part of a frat hazing. Kinda tame compared to today. Personals poll: What were these three guys thinking? A) Shit we have to bury this body, maybe nobody will notice us if we wear these random dirt bags as clothes B) This is sex? I think somebody lied to me C) Gonna plant me a garden. Bitches like gardens D) This is bullshit, I should’ve submitted to the personals
themedium.personals@gmail.com
TIME OUT!- A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR Blah blah blah write more personals for stuff. Be noticed, be popular, I dont give a shit any more. You people do what ever the hell you want. Its midterms this week, and I should be reading for my class, but instead im putting this page together with your lackluster material. The submissions were decent this week, but we need more to keep the shit storm up. Get mad and write about it frequently. Im just going to sit back and listen to Brubeck’s Take Five because fuck you all, I have shit to do, and jazz is where its at. To that guy who just doesn't get it. I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS. That's it. Probably not even that at the rate of stalker mode you're going into. I'd try lesbianism with college ave skanks before giving you your "happy ending". You repulse me that much. So take your tiny ass dick and leave me the fuck alone bitch. But it's ok, you still have your mom. (I see a blocked phone number and restraining order in this guys “promising” future. Take it from this guy, dont be a fuck) To the guy who called code enforcement on me., so what if I have a car on blocks in my backyard. Its not like you can see it anyway. Ill make sure to move it to the front lawn
To Kenneth B. Cop. Seriously, where the fuck have u been??? If I buy you a bottle of malt liquor will you start sending out crime alerts again? I heard from The Medium last year you really like that stuff.. Rutgers just isn't the same without your racist and under detailed warnings! We need you!!! (I was wondering the same thing about Mr. Kenny Cop. Its been way too long since a hispanic male wearing jordans and a wifebeater carrying a knife demanded somebody’s cell phone on Easton Ave) Moby dick sucks as a book but makes a killer Zep song (Thumbs up approval. Rock on man) Steve Buscemi is always watching you. Forever
PERSONALS
Wednesday, October 26th, 2011
“I have the biggest dick on staff. True fact.”
BULLSHIT
COWSHIT
To the guy in the gray hoodie on the EE with a mohawk: what are you, 12? (Yeah, probably.) To the kid who fell down the stairs at the college ave student center on wednesday afternoon: hahahahaha you fail To the kid who kept farting in front of me in class: yeah i knew it was you, and you’re a jerk for blaming the poor kid in front of you. My friends and I didn’t believe you. You need to take care of that in the bathroom. I thought i was going to pass out from your SBD’s.
General announcement to laptop users at Rutgers University: If I sit back in my seat one more time and feel your laptop touching my back, I will give you three seconds to get out of my personal space before I turn around and slap your face. Fair warning.
You are a piece of useless shit. I can’t believe Rutgers hired you to be in a position to help students, because instead you leave them miserable and several blood pressure points higher. If you enjoy four hour long lunch breaks, display a condescending tone of voice, (Assuming this isn’t a re- melodramatic body lansponse to something we got guage, and look like you previously (AKA last week), ought to be sucking cock I’m really impressed by your back where they inventability to discern who the ed that shit, you know fart is coming from based who you are. I wish I had on scent. Seriously, you the pleasure of being able should work for the fucking to curb-stomp your face bomb squad or something.) myself. It might improve Dear Mark Harrison, your looks. The ball hit your hands. I call my vibrator the elThanks for the loss. der wand.
the Medium
FROM THE DESK OF SATANIC YODA I don’t know if you actually read the news page but if Not-So-Dear women of you did, you’d have noticed that last week we started Rutgers- your complete a Personals contest! We’re giving away three pairs of lack of personality and tickets to Exxxotica November 4-6th AND a chance to values has left me an be Personals Editor for a week! Since my managing empty shell of a man, re- editor is a dipshit and moved that information from duced to smoking a pack here to another page, I don’t entirely blame you for a day, reading The Me- not knowing, and I’m going to rectify that right now! dium, and treating you Quick refresher of the rules: like the sexual objects you so badly want to be. 1. Submit 5 personals to TheMedium.Personals@ Whenever you complain gmail.com by 11:59 PM this Sunday night about how men are such pigs, it’s because sex 2. Make the header “Personals Contest” so we know is the only thing to be that you’re interested. gained from associating with you. You love being 3. There are THREE prizes total: three pairs of tickets single and free, so let me to Exxxotica and a grand prize of being Personals ediknow how that works for tor for a week. If you win the grand prize, you must be available for production on either Sunday Novemyou after you turn 35. ber 6th or Monday November 7th in the evening (6 (Sounds like someone’s bit- PM or later). This is NON NEGOTIABLE. ter that they’re not getting laid!!!!) Ok, now fucking do it! As of now we only have How many people no- THREE entires so get on that shit and win! ticed the “right hand rule” figure from the ~ $@7@|\|1< Y0|)@, Senior Personals Editor jerk-guide in last weeks medium? Should have To whoever it was that To the guy at the DCC, I worked some positive was blasting “Dancing don’t know your name circular motion into that With Myself” outside the but you are awesome. GSE on Monday night: I You’re like a reincarnahow-to. To the old man in the bet you’ve been doing a tion of 30 Rock’s Tracy BCC, No one wants to lot of dancing with your- Morgan and I love it! play chess with you! self lately since no one It’s about time we got YOU DON’T EVEN GO would go near your dick some personality out after hearing that. of those clones in green
HEIFERSHIT
WINE & LIFESTYLE “KA-SSAAAA-DIN SO GOOD BIG BOI”
Wednesday, October 26thth, 2011
HALLOWEEN
Sluttiest Halloween Costumes of the Season by Supa Krupa Troopa
10. Slutty Toddler
FOOD REVIEW
Hunan Wok by Probably Drunk
9. Slutty Lunch Lady
8. Slutty Gynecologist 7. Slutty Slut
6. Slutty Sweaty Construction Worker
As I stepped out of Sweeney 5. Slutty Nun Todd’s for a fresh shape-up, I was stricken with a hunger only 4. WALDO (here he is! I found the satiable by 5,000 mg of sodium, fucker!) deep fried in a vat of MSG and grease. I was in luck - Hunan 3. Slutty Chris Christie Wok was right next door. 2. Slutty Jesus As I walked in, I was greeted warmly and unintelligibly in 1. Rutgers Girl what was presumably a mixture of Mandarin Chinese and Broken English, and I proceed- I LIKE TO TOUCH MYSELF ed to order the sesame chicken, spring rolls, wanton soup and A Male’s Guide to Female Masturbation by The Tituation pork fried rice. The spring rolls were about In response to feminist rage over last week’s male masturbation as small as the penises of the guide, I have done the research and compiled a comprehensive immigrants who made it, but list of steps for most effectively jerking off your pussy. equally as delectable (hey, I do Step 1. Find a man, preferably heterosexual, and preferably with a large penis. If you’re unsure of what I can for free food). While his penis size, just ask. Men are ALWAYS honest about it. the pork fried rice left much to Step 2. Find a location. For the man, any location will do. You may adjust the location according to be desired, the sesame chicken your privacy preferences. and wanton soup were otherStep 3. Ask your man what HIS sexual desires are. wise exactly what you’d expect Step 4. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP. Obey your man’s each and every whim. A man from any generic Chinese food will ALWAYS fully satisfy a woman if she simply allows him to have his way. restaurant. If this guide fails to make you orgasm, have a glass of wine and go fist yourself. The customer service was, from what I could discern, BUSCEMI OF THE WEEK One of these pictures is unlike the others. Can you tell which one is different? It’s pretty easy. friendly and expedient. Had I paid for it, the entire meal would have been under $10, a cheap and easy buffet to impress any cheap and easy girl you might be dating. If you’re on the verge of starvation and within twenty feet of Hunan Wok like I was, I would probably maybe recommend going.
YOUR WEEKLY ALBUM REVIEW I AM LONELY AND DEPRESSED. SEND ME THINGS SO I CAN REJOIN SOCIETY. MEDIUM.SHAKIN@GMAIL.COM Q_Q DEAD BABIES TO CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN WITH
Girls - Father, Son, Holy Ghost
reviewed by: MK Riecks This album is wonderful. It has such a nostalgic feel to it, sounding so familiar, but hard to place. In fact, the organ and backing vocals sound very “classic rock.” (Pink Floyd, The Zombies, and Dire Straits come to mind) Owens’ whispering tone sounds like Elliot Smith at times. The more you listen to it, the better it gets. This album has a timeless sound, and a yearning feeling that we can all relate to. RIYL: WU LYF, Cults, Smith Westerns
COME TO OUR MEETING. 8PM BUSCH CAMPUS CENTER ROOM 118 WE HAVE DRUGS