This tiny paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
The Miniature Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLV Issue XIX
50¢
April 24th, 2013
the only explanation
you have become a giant BY kcig head writer
RUTGERS-Reports stated early this morning that you have turned into a giant. “It all started this morning when I picked up a copy of The Medium, and noticed that everything seemed smaller than I had remembered,” reported you, after gauging your surroundings. You continued, “Either everything got smaller, or I turned into a giant overnight.” Roommates and neighbors have confirmed that you had been hitting your head on ceilings and doorways
all morning, even though you were crouched down. Your roommate reported, “[You] started using ‘Feefi-fo-fum’ as a catchphrase, and it’s really weird.” The Rutgers community has reported fear over your rapid aggrandizement. “PLEASE, LET ME DOWN!!”
commented Jake Surlander, SAS Junior, in response to you picking him up by the scruff of his neck. New Brunswick Mayor Jim Cahill called for mass evacuations before you began ravaging George Street and holding hostages in your hands while climbing to the top of the Vue.
i want to meet you at a grey bar
Half-full Beer Can Converted into Wild Party for Ants
quickies
Midget working at bar puts up tall order Baby bunny’s diet consists mostly of baby carrots Self-serve Froyo patron eats 40 oz. of yogurt from complementary sample Turns out Bitcoins are not smaller versions of normal coins Lizard finds Barbie Doll mansion to be perfect location to raise lizard family
Inside This Tiny Issue Tiny Lunch
BY CIGARETTE Contributing writer
S I D E WA L K - A half-filled can of beer along the sidewalk of College Avenue has been coopted by a ants as a swingin’ multi-day festival. Boasting nearly twelve ounces of lukewarm Pabst Blue Ribbon, the party is projected to go on for up to a week as long as the
hamsters on cell phones
beer doesn’t evaporate. “There’s enough grass and dirty things around here to keep the party going forever!”
said local ant Pincy Adams. Every ant in attendance will be sure to shake their carapace and hopefully get some thoraxes.
5 mL beakers
the
News
Medium
Wednesday April 24th, 2013
“This issue of The Medium is brought to you by The Small "
being small
This news is slanted
Little Trouble in Big China Sea Monkey Colony Witnesses Exponential ined. Citizens were B E I J IN G - C o m - obviously concerned Growth, Death puter Programmer over the blatant unBY Lance staff writer
BY MISTER E Staff writer
CHILDHOODAfter several days of unprecedented growth, a newly hatched colony of sea monkeys began to experience an unprecedented rate of death. The colony of misleadingly-named brine shrimp was founded last weekend when nineyear-old Timmy Watson fell for an advertisement in a comic book that promised unlimited fun from purchasing a package of the crustacean’s eggs. “I’m gonna take real good care of them!” promised Timmy emptily to his father. Upon purchase, the instructions on the package were promptly followed, then set aside and disregarded forever. In the mere twenty-four hours that it
took for the entire group of sea monkeys to almost miraculously spring to life from a seemingly inert mixture, the nine-year-old discovered that sea monkeys aren’t actually related to apes, leading to swift disinterest. The newly hatched brine shrimp promptly laid more eggs in what they perceived to be a lush, sustaining environment full of opportunity, leading to a steady increase in their population. In the following days, however, none of the food packet was added to the plastic aquarium, leading to quick and unyielding death for the entire colony. As of press time, Timmy’s father reportedly was asking his son how his new responsibility was going.
Lee Ping-Wang suffered a small scuff on his new loafers on his way to work yesterday, after an ignorant passerby decided not to look where he was goi n g . P i n g - Wa n g eyed his offender with scorn, before going on his way in an obvious huff. China, a nation of over one billion people, came to a standstill as Lee Ping-Wang’s day was thereafter ru-
rest plaguing their nation. “I didn’t see shit,” said butcher Chang Tung, as he spit rudely upon the sidewalk. Petty disturbances and troubles have become an epidemic. Reports from Shanghai say local hotel manager Tian Lan got an empty fortune cookie, at which he was truly miffed, and Ting Ting Tong had his name spelled Wong. It’s a small world after all.
take the super mushroom to make this issue seem even smaller!
Editorial Staff Spring 2013
Editor-in-Chief Managing Editor Business Manager Head Writer
Jordan Gochman Brianna Provenzano
Krupa Patel Kristen Cignavitch
News Editors John Eberhardt Stewart Hallman Eli Youssef Devin Baker Danielle Oyales Michael Lazaropoulos Adam Romatowski
Features Editor Opinions Editor Arts Editor Personals Editors
Back Page Editor Leif Tornberg Copy Editors Lisa Mathews Sasha Romayev Secretary Krupa Patel Webmaster Kristen Cignavitch Faculty Advisors Barbara Reed Ronald Miskoff
The Medium is the smallest entertainment weekly of Rutgers University. No little article represents the opinion of the Medium or its staff. The Medium is a tiny satire publication and should never be taken seriously. The normal-sized office of The Medium is located in Room 439 of the Rutgers Student Center at the College Avenue Campus. This issue is dedicated to former EIC Reven MacQueen. She probably doesn’t remember that the Tiny Issue was originally her idea.
Wednesday April 24th, 2013
Features
the
“25%- size of this paper. 3-times longer to pull this shit off. 3,276-racial slurs and epithets shouted during production.”
Medium
tiny lions would be bitchin’
A Scientific Analysis On the Science Behind Why Small Things Are Deductively Cuter Than Objects of an Objectively Massive Scale The Cuteness to Scale Postulate is a measure of how cute something appears compared to its actual size. As we can see, as an object becomes smaller, its cuteness factor rises inversely in a linear fashion. What exactly am I talking about, you ask? Well, let’s say a giant-ass lion suddenly showed up in your room. Your initial reaction most likely would be something along the lines of “Holy shit, that lion is going to eat my face off. Oh fuck, I don’t wanna die. Stop. No. Why.” Which would obviously be followed by the lion biting your face off. Maybe like this handsome fucker. But now, let’s say the lion was only, how about, 2 inches tall. Immediately, it goes from “God why have you done this to me?” to “Aw that’s so fuckin’ cute. Look at him try to claw off the flesh from my hand, isn’t he precious?” This principle applies to a wide variety of things, from shoes, to food, to polar bears. Even this newspaper is a calculated 83% cuter at 75% reduction in scale. This begs the question, would the world be a better place if everything was tinier? What if we had zoos full of miniature animals? Disclaimer: Postulate does not apply to Fun-Size Snickers Bars. Or Dicks.
Tiny charts about tiny things
Tiny Broetry
By Supa Krupa Troopa Look at my biceps I indulge in protein shakes do you even lift?
What if this is a really big hand?
the
Op/Ed
Medium
Wednesday April 24th, 2013
“I hear DJ D.Bakes knows how to drop those beats.”
featured commentary
Every raindrop is like the apocalypse BY AN earthworm
Day by day my earthworm comrades are dying out. These so called “raindrops” are slowly hurting us and destroying our villages. We have been forced to relocate multiple times already and it looks like this madness will not be ending anytime soon. Humans do not understand how important we are to them. They mock us and abuse us, especially those damn children. If it weren’t for us, there would be no Earth filled with rich, moist soil. Also who do you think eats all that dead shit laying on the ground? Yea, you’re welcome you inconsiderate
pieces of lard. We need protection from these rainstorms and quickly. Just last week, my friend Larry got hit deadon on his head, causing him to fall into a coma. Our hospitals are filling up faster than ever. Also considering our hospitals are just piles of dirt clumped together, those are also crumbling down in the wake of these raindrops. If you do not meet our demands, I swear to God, I will order the entire earthworm population to take dumps everywhere they go. I hope you don’t have any outdoor events anytime soon.
more commentary
Sex with this Barbie doll is amazing
Ever since I was a young boy I have been eyeing up my little sister’s Barbie doll, specifically the elementaty school teacher one. More importantly, I have been wanting to have sex with it for all these years. Now that I am of a mature and tiny age, I have finally been able to make that dream come true. Normally, children’s dolls do not have vaginas so in order for me to get my freak on, I need to cut a hole where her cooch would be. After applying some industrial strength lube, I go to pound town with her and fill her up with my jizz. I tell you, best feel-
BY joseph merkets
ing in the world. Paulina (yes that’s her name) knows how to satisfy me sexually in every way possible and I mean every way. You know what the best part is? She can never say no. While most girls will just reject my “sexcapade” offer, Paulina will always be there for me whenever my penis wants to have a nice cry. Even though she is unable to speak or think or do anything, as she is an inanimate object, Paulina will always have a place in my heart and on my dick. All small people out there should try humandoll sex at least once in their life.
point/counterpoint
I am more delicious
No, I am more delicious
BY tater tots
Buttery. Salty. Crunchy. Those are the adjectives for what biting into heaven tastes like. I’m not like that crap that your middle schools served during lunch. I am the real deal, five star quality. You want to eat a potato but don’t have the time? Pop
BY POPCORN CHICKEN
some of me into your mouth. Problem solved motherfuckas. Want to add some flavor to your sandwich? Squish some of us in the mix. BAM! You just went to flavortown and I’m the sheriff of this joint. There’s no turning back now.
Hold up now, are you seriously going to pick that trash over me? What drugs are you on? My name already tells you how easy it is to consume me. You just POP me into your mouth. I know, try to contain yourself. There is no other food out there that is as com-
pact as me. I am so delicious that if it didn’t kill me, I would eat myself. I would literally consume my entire body. Chicken is the only meat out there that can be popcornized so we’re pretty original. You all are just so lucky to have me around.
Wednesday April 24th, 2013
Arts
“It’s almost my birhday. Right.”
CHARITY
MICE WITH SWORDS
EVERYTHING I WANT IN LIFE
SMALL BIRDS IN MY SHOES
We’re looking for new editors for next semester. I’m leaving. Someone’s gotta take over the arts page. Come over to the rsc cap and skull room cuz we nominating for new positions. rsc, rm 413, 7:30pm. Go Do something.
the
Medium
the
Medium HELLO LOVER
personals YELLOW FEVER
To the guy last monday who attempted to cop a feel on the bus, you didn’t do anything wrong. I want you to be brave and give me a kiss next time but only if your mini-huskyto-be is around;) AND the guy with the real mini husky on college ave hasn’t gotten back to me yet nor have I seen his face so I’ll take what I can have for now! (That’s right people, I am a bonafide matchmaker! Eat shit Rutgers Crushes. You got nothing on me.)
To the south asian broad by the SAC on Monday: I was seriously enjoying checkin out that fine piece of ass you got there. We made eye contact briefly, but too bad you got on the bus right after.Hopefully you’re not some uptight, reserved bitch. I’d turn you upside down and make your ass clap louder than Oprah’s hands on her giveaway episode.DOIN WERKKKK!! (I don’t see how being a up’tight’ bitch is a downside.)
So I tried the roofie thing, but not really. So here I was sitting on the bus as usual with a girl next to me. She had a coffee thermos and I was like here I go! But then I realized I forgot my roofie back in the room and by accident took a packet of Altoids. So I just popped one in my mouth thinking it would work the same, but then I fucked up again. In my rush I forgot I put the roofie’s in the altoid box and basically roofied myself.
To the Filipino girl in Alpha Zeta, I don’t have the guts to tell you that you look really nice with your new haircut. I tried saying hi to you last week but you were surrounded by friends.
(It was really bad timing that you roofied yourself during Queer Ball.)
To my hand, don’t chaffe now! I need you more than ever
Wednesday April 24th, 2013
“Awww ugly duckling. Bawk bawk."
(... Where’s the sex?)
HELPFUL
To the fat hippo precariously carrying balloons into the SAC today: you have no idea what I would give to see them blow away today hahahah. You looked so scared carrying them too. Why don’t you tie them to your saggy tits to perk them up a bit? Just a tip. (It would be like Dumbo, but with flying boobs! My dream has come true.)
DUMB SHITS
To who ever laid the enormous shit in my floor’s bathroom, I don’t know if I should be utterly disgusted or extremely impressed. Probably both. That monster of a poop was seriously the length of my forearm and the width of a decent sized hoagie. I cannot imagine the anatomy of your ass that could have passed such a creature without a trip to the emergency department and surgical reconstruction. You, my friend, are the worlds 8th natural wonder
to the fucking dirty bitch in new gibbons who didn’t flush the toilet after doing her business... that period blood was a wonderful sight to see. just what i needed today. fucking cunt, learn to flush a damn toilet. i hope the girl who went in there to flush it just now was you and not a scapegoat. (I apologize for that. It was an emergency abortion.)
SUCKS TO SUCK
When I go to the library, I want to sit in fucking silence and get my work done. I do not want to listen to your loud ass mouths run for an hour while I am trying to do work. Shut the fuck up! So, I moved to get away from the loud ass bitches on the 2B level of Alexander, so I could study in quiet. I move to the other side of the floor. WHAT I REALLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR, is these dudes talking about the shit they just took. I am glad for you that it was the best shit you have taken in a while, but for the love of God shut the fuck up about it. (Wait? The BEST shit? I think we found our 8th Wonder of the World.)
To NJ transit, thanks for letting me know that train doesn’t stop at New Brunswick. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be stuck in Newark when you have class on Livingston in 30 minutes?
TINY ISSUE BITCHES! Honestly, The Medium just got really lazy so we thought “hey! Let’s make a smaller paper so we can do less work!” That idea started a fire faster than a toddler in a California neighborhood with a box of matches. Now you have this little gem and can spend the next 20 hours squinting at it. P.S. Send your personals to themedium.personals@gmail.com
Wednesday April 24th, 2013
personals “Warm Apple Pie.”
“IF ONLY” WITH BIG DADDY
In honor of the tiny issue, well it got me thinking about Tiny Tim, you know the small little kid from A Christmas Carol. And well I have to say that ending was fucking bullshit. Like yeah Scrooge makes everything better and brings the spirit of Christmas back, but what no pussy for the kid! Get Tiny Tim some pussy for Christmas, thats how you bring the spirit back! He knows what he wants, future pimp right thur. Ahhh IF ONLY right Tim. Anyway, Send me personals to themedium.personals@gmail.com
GIMME SOME
CHERRY
To the kid wearing cargo pants and running sneakers on the F: dude, this isn’t 2004. Do yourself a favor and go do some God damned shopping bro. I don’t care what it takes. If you need your mom to go, drag her with you. I hope you get screamed at by Clinton Kelly.
Dear Cherry lolipops. what the fuck why are you so bad, and why are there so many of you? Its gonna take me hours and at least three more lolipops to get your flavor outta my mouth. Doesn’t take this long to get some guys cock taste outta my mouth.
(Should tell him to bring his mom with him to the doctors office too. I always like to give the moms physicals too. mmmm so good.) That chick at Starbucks in all leather studying to become a doctor was so fine. Had that dark hair and she just looked like shed be a freak. Now to the guy who served me at Starbucks, first hurry the fuck up and give me my drink. And when I ask if you foamed my milk play along.
(If your looking for a different flavor I got one for you. Ahh fuck this shit just come suck me off.)
YEAH YOU To Rutgers Confessions, who writes your shit? Like do people send in this stuff. It is so boring and bland. Too the guy who runs it, keep that shit away from personals. (Hey that guy is not that bad. He was the one who came and licked my asshole last week. And there are two douchebag freshman not just one bitchtits.)
the
Medium
I WANT SOME
DICK AND ASS
To the redhead I fucked a couple weeks ago: I knew something was fishy when you rode like a hoe in the sack, and low and behold it turns out that you are one! There’s NO WAY I’m gonna hold back from now on. I can’t wait to slap my meatstick across that precious little ginger face of yours. Also, thanks for waking my entire house up, but I know next time you’ll be too busy swallowing. P.S. I hope I don’t get any diseases from you. Oops.
To the dumb bittitted broad in the back of my micro class: how much of the prof’s dick did you suck to keep a passing grade in this class? Didn’t you miss like two quizzes too? I guess office hours are good for something after all, huh? P.S. dat ass in those white shorts from last week get an Afuckin-plus. Some of these bitches could use some lessons from you.
(Any disease is worth it playa. If you’re ever looking too add a third to the mix, hit the good doctor up.) Look up Beshine on Twitter on Google. she must be able to squat 500 pounds with those legs and back. (No one is looking at her fucking legs or back you fuck. Like really thats what you bring up. You could get lost in those tits.) Stan told me today that I have a nice smile, and I have to say he has excelent taste. (Nothing like a nice smile, everyone should show theres off. Usually means your mouth is open for my dick too.)
(Ohhhhh trust me she takes all his dick. Cause while she was suckin that cock i was hittin it from the back and makin that shit clap.)
BUSY BUS I have all of my classes on Douglass so I literally take the bus to other campuses and hang out, doing nothing sometimes, just to get out of that feminist hell hole for a while. (Weird, I go to Douglass so I can enter that “feminist hell hole.” They get mad aggressive if you know what I’m sayin.)
POR QUE
Whose the fucking smoke show that made fun of Gabor. Tell her to holler at me. (What does this fucking mean. If you know tell us.)
The Back Page “Wait, this was a tiny issue?.”
Films: Adjusted
Useless Review
BY pokemon leaf green backpage editor
Mini Wheats
I would like to start off by saying that these little guys are insane. They managed to take wheat, and make it mini. It is the craziest thing ever. I don’t know how they did it but they made them even better by putting powdered sugar on them. I would really like to meet the genius who invented them so I can express my extreme gratitude toward this amazing person. Someone should really give him a blow job. The flavor of this delicious cereal is so intense that there is a slight possibility that your tastebuds and mind will be blown. (Also these are fucking amazing when you are high) I’m still baffled at how they managed to shrink wheat. My hypothesis is that they invented a shrink ray. How else could they make them so small? I bet the next big thing to come out is pigmy giraffes as pets. Who in the right mind would not one of those? Then you could feed it mini food! Needless to say, mini wheats are fucking awesome and if you don’t like them then you suck and can go fuck yourself. Mini wheats are so amazing they cannot be rated by stars.
We need new Editors! Especially ones who know to use the small templates for the tiny issue so the editor in chief doesn’t have to resize the whole fucking page at one in the morning! Wednesdays. Cap and Skull room in the RSC. 7:30pm. Fuck.