World's Greatest Emails

The World’s Greatest Email Sue Shifrin-Cassidy

First Printing July 2007 Editor: Cheri Madison Cover Design, Illustrations & Art Direction: Christina Wilkinson Design & Layout: Sabre Design Copyright Š 2007 by Sue Shrifrin-Cassidy www.TheWorldsGreatestEmail.com All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights.

Disclaimer: Every effort has been made to determine the original sources of the email compiled for the contents of this book. When able, these authors have been credited appropriately.

Acknowledgments I want to thank everyone who has ever sent me an email. If it weren’t for you, this book would never have been written. So, thanks to all of you who thought of me when you got those chain letters and jokes. I may have cursed you at the time, but I am now wiser, funnier, and more interesting and feel more loved and a part of our communal world because of you!

I feel closer to the friends I have and to the anonymous beings out there whom I will never know….

I especially want to thank Jo-Ann Geffen, who encouraged me to write The World’s Greatest Email. There are so many people I wish to acknowledge—among them Ashley Walls, Lee Sieron, and Jan Britten—for their contributions. This book could not exist without Christina Wilkinson.

She is the creator of the cartoons and the look and feel of the book. Thank you to Cheri Madison, who went blind editing The World’s Greatest Email, and to Linda Blum-Huntington, Linda Platzner, Carol Levy, and Ann Fostock for their feedback.

To my family, David and Beau, thank you for your encouragement, your love, and your patience—for putting up with me through all of this and for “getting it.” It never would have happened without you.

Oh! And I’d like to thank Bill Gates and Steve Jobs for my computers…and a very special thanks to Mr. Al Gore for inventing the Internet!

Sue Shifrin-Cassidy First and foremost, Wife and Mother Successful Songwriter Author and The Most Creative Person I Know With all the energy that any human being could possibly imagine… caring, loving and true, this is the person I have been fortunate enough to know.

Some of us have been the beneficiaries of her talent and her spirit, and now, with The World’s Greatest Email you will be, too.

Sue has worked hard to give you a little taste of the email smorgasbord that has come her way. Many days and many nights, I heard the laughs, guffaws and “Oh, my God!”s coming from behind her office door. When she finally shared her selections with me, I understood why.

I love this book and I love her, too.

Happy Trails, David Cassidy

THE WORLD’S GREATEST EMAIL I know—you hear email and start twitching—not again!!!!!!!!!!???!!! But how would you feel if you went to your virtual mailbox and it was empty? Unloved, unwanted, and lonely! So here are the best of the best of the tens of thousands of emails that have been floating through cyberspace since the advent of the Internet, like yesteryear’s messages in bottles crossing the ocean.

Since the subject matter of email covers such a broad spectrum, I have divided the ones I bring to you into categories. Some are funny, and some share pearls of wisdom, while others promise rich rewards within 4 hours if forwarded immediately to 11 million of your closest friends or, alternatively, an eternity of bad luck in hell with 12 million of your worst enemies if not forwarded.

There are also the poignant reminders of history as it happens. Who can forget the awesomely inspiring and enlightening pictures taken by the Space Hubble, the indescribable images surrounding 9/11, or the pictures of devastation that Hurricane Katrina left behind? As instantly as they happened, they were shared with a disbelieving world thanks to email.

A social networking revolution has taken place almost overnight. The changes for society are almost too prolific to mention. From philanthropic fundraising covering the gamut of local church bazaars to star-studded charity events, people of the world can be made aware of others’ needs and open their hearts and wallets; courtships can blossom into romance and marriage; and anyone can conduct business while sitting at home in pajamas with the click of a mouse.

G-mail to Hotmail to Yahoo! and AOL, services like MySpace and Facebook and web dating sites like match.com, eHarmony, and JDate, have changed the way the world hooks up, utilizing instant messages and instant gratification to the point where a nanosecond seems too long to wait for anything.

Has email emboldened the shy and encouraged the disenfranchised to empower themselves in some anonymous way? I think so. At the very least, email represents the collective consciousness of our world—snapshots of the minds and hearts of the citizens of our planet, making us one huge nebulous family.

Whether we live in India, Sweden, New York, or Tokyo, we are all laughing, crying, and learning from the shared thoughts of someone somewhere who has taken a moment to PASS THIS ALONG. Now, however, you can sit, relax, and read this book at a snail’s pace while enjoying the beach, your flight, or your private time in the bathroom, away from your computer!

I hope you enjoy The World’s Greatest Email. If it has meaning to you, share it with a friend. If you share it with 5 friends, you will have good luck…with 10 friends your luck will…you know the drill!

Sue

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Table of Contents (HTML)

Chapter 1 — Fun-E’s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 Chapter 2 — Smart People / Stupid People . . . . . . . . 38 Chapter 3 — Thought Provoking . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 Chapter 4 — Men, Women, and Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . 76 Chapter 5 — Interesting Stuff / Educational . . . . . . . 99 Chapter 6 — Kids . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 134 Chapter 7 — Political / Politically Incorrect . . . . . . . 145 Chapter 8 — Scams, Spam, and Urban Legends

172

Chapter 9 — Life-Saving / Medical . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197 Chapter 10 — Inspirational . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 224

Fun-E’s

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kissing

petting

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From: Me To: You Subject: Air Traffic Controllers Quotes

As a pilot, I can tell you, particularly in a stressful situation, that the relationship between the pilot and the controller is a very special one.

Really funny (allegedly true) conversations between air traffic controllers and pilots Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”

Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

“TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”

“Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

“Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f...ing bored!”

Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”

Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!”

Control tower to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”

United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this.... I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”

Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”

Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7” Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.” (continued on next page) 12

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(continued from previous page) Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”

Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we’ve already notified our caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough for another one.”

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a shorttempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn’t land.”

Allegedly, while taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”

US Air 2771: “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

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From: Me To: You Subject: MOTHER NATURE

I just love Mother Nature! Seems she has a real sense of humor and takes her work very seriously!! I don’t think it’s a good idea to mess with her!

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!”

Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?” Fred yells back, “I’m over here in the pussy willows.” Dave shouts back, “DON’T SWING, Fred, for the love of God, DON’T SWING!!!”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Don’t I Know You?

This should be a lesson to everyone! Make sure you’ve gone to the school of “Think Before You Speak” before you open your big mouth!

Fred goes to the supermarket and, while there, notices a very pretty blonde waving at him and saying hello. He is rather taken aback because he can’t place where he should know her from. So, he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you are the father of one of my kids.”

Now he thinks back to the only time he has been unfaithful and says, “Oh my God, are you the stripper from my friend’s bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery stalks and then stuck a carrot up my ass?”

“No,” she said, “I’m your son’s math teacher.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Baked Beans

Surprise!!!!

One day I met a wonderful man and we fell in love. When we married, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since we live several miles from town, I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the aroma of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room, I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!”

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Cheese Scones

Ah! The luck of the Irish!!!!

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . .

“F*ck Off!!” she said “They’re for the funeral.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Airplane Maintenance

How do you feel about flying now?

After every flight, airline pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” that tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

P = (The problem logged by the pilot) S = (The solution and action taken by mechanics)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

(continued on next page) 18

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(continued from previous page) P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Deaf Bookkeeper

Does this sound like your attorney?

A Mafia Godfather learns that his bookkeeper has embezzled ten million dollars.

The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he’d ever have to testify about in court. So when the Godfather interrogates the bookkeeper about the missing $10 million, he brings along an attorney who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, “Where’s the 10 million you embezzled from me?”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says, “Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”

The bookkeeper signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”

The Godfather asks the attorney, “Well, what’d he say?”

The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: FOR MAC LOVERS

Very funny and true. If you have been using a computer for a long time, I am sure you can appreciate (commiserate with) this.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation” warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna!

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

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From: Me To: You Subject: ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS’ HOSPITAL CHARTS

Not sure if these are legit or not. I am sure that they are really funny!

This is a subset of a larger list that appeared in one of Richard Lederer’s several “Anguished English” collections of humorously mangled language, The Bride of Anguished English (2000), where the entries were described as “real-life doctors’ dictations” submitted by the American Association of Medical Transcriptionists.

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been unremarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

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From: Me To: You Subject: TV Commentators Nightmare Moments

These “bloopers” were made by well-known British announcers on live English television. Can you imagine how the prim and proper British would have reacted?

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester as she cuddles up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s UK eclipse coverage remarked: “They seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s only come in his shorts.”

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards’ tyre choice on World Superbike racing: “Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now.”

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: “She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.”

‘Winning Post’s’ Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy’s formidable lead: “Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees.”

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Derek Redmond: “Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.”

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.”

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: “There’s nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: MORE TV COMMENTATOR NIGHTMARES

More real-life horror stories from live television and radio.

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: “They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.”

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: “You’d eat beaver if you could get it.”

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked, “So Bob, where’s that eight inches you promised me last night?” Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - “One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God!!! What have I just said?!!!”

Metro Radio - “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - “Ah, isn’t that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.”

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - “Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.”

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - “And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!”

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at Grand Prix, asked: “What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?”

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.”

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott’s breath away.

“My word,” he said, “Look at that magnificent erection.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Real Classified Ads—Funny!

These are really funny classified ads that have actually appeared in newspapers.

Gotta love ‘em—especially the last one!

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat … been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 - Hardly used, call Chubby.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

(AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.

Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month.

Wife knows everything.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Ah, Old Age!

These are “oldies” but goodies!

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, “Where are you going?”

“To the kitchen” he replies.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”

“Sure.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.

“No, I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.”

He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts.

Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone!

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream—I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says—“Where’s my toast?” _______________________ A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting Married?” “Yep!” “Do I know her?” “Nope!” “This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.” “Is she a good cook?” “Naw, she can’t cook too well.” “Does she have lots of money?” “Nope! Poor as a church mouse.” “Well then, is she good in bed?”

“I don’t know.” “Why in the world do you want to marry her then?” “Because she can still drive!” _______________________ (continued on next page) 26

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(continued from previous page) Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.” _______________________ A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “Twelve thirty.” _______________________ Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?” Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’” _______________________ A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?” “No,” he replied, “arthritis...!”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Nun Too Hip!

God bless them!

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.”

The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there.”

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm voice said, “Why don’t you to to hell … there aren’t any nuns there.”

Gotta love those Catholics!

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From: Me To: You Subject: PERKS OF BEING OVER 60 or SO . . .

Glad to hear there is something to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run . . . anywhere.

4. People call at 9:00 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM. 9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

12. You sing along with elevator music.

13. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

14. Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

18. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Signs of the Times

These are very clever!

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels.”

On another Septic Tank Truck: “We’re #1 in the #2 business.”

At a Proctologist’s door: “To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

On a Church’s Billboard: “7 days without God makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door: “Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

At a Towing company: “We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Nonsmoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: More Signs of the Times

At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence: “Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank heaven for little grills.”

And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: RESTROOM SIGNS

All I ever see in bathrooms are four letter words, but it seems there are some real “potty poets” out there!

“Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men.” (Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE) “Beauty is only a light switch away.” (Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC) “If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.” (Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC) “Remember, it’s not, ‘How high are you?’ it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’” (Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia) “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.” (The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA) “No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.” (Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC) “At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.” (Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ) “It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.” (Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ) “Make love, not war. – Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!” (Women’s restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT) “If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.” (Revolution Books, New York, NY) “If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!” (Men’s restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, DC) “Express Lane: Five beers or less.” (Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ) “You’re too good for him.” (Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA) “No wonder you always go home alone.” (Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA) …and my favorite, and most realistic one: “A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.” (Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX)

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From: Me To: You Subject: “SMART A” ANSWERS

Some people have a knack for one line zingers.

SMART A—ANSWER #4 It was mealtime during a flight. “Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. “What are my choices?” John asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.

SMART A—ANSWER #3 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

SMART A—ANSWER #2 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART A—ANSWER #1 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: The Classified Ad

That’s right, buddy! $10,000 06’ Suzuki GSXR 1000 Farmington, UT 84025 2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It’s been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of loving wife.

Apparently “do whatever the f*** you want” doesn’t mean what I thought.

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From: Me To: You Subject: THREE OLD GUYS

Oy!!!

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”

“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock. No problem at all.”

“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what’s so bad about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7 o’clock.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: MOTHER KNOWS BEST

I tried lying to my mother a couple of times. It NEVER worked. My son has tried it a few times, too, and it has never worked for him, either!

Brian’s Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an email just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son, I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

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From: Me To: You Subject: Unattributed Quotes

Great thoughts by average people.

I dialed a number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes.”

At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, “Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you make.”

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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$3,400,400.00 and no/100 5845 2704 4329 :|

Sincerely B. Gates

Smart People / Stupid People ...and over there is the CaesarEan Section

Ta k e O n ly H e is watch 1 ing

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From: Me To: You Subject: One-Question IQ Test

I promise I won’t tell anyone if you get this wrong!!!!!

Here’s a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before looking at the answer below.

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

(I’ve got mine shutting down right now.)

ANSWER: He opens his mouth and says, “I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Aye Carumba!!!

Definitely stupid people!

1. Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply. “So I can’t order half a dozen nuggets, but I can order six?” “That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

2. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?” I said to her “I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy.”

4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?” “Hmmm, I dunno.

Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk.”

5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?” “Just use copier machine paper,” the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister.” I asked the manager what had happened.

He told me that the driver had set the “cruise control” and then went in the back to make a sandwich. (continued on next page) 40

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(continued from previous page) 7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: “I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?”

8. Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

9. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, “I just gave him some ant killer”....Dispatcher: “Rush him to emergency!”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Excerpts from Disorder in the Courts of America by Richard Lederer

There should be a law against this kind of stupidity!

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ______________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? (continued on next page) 42

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(continued from previous page) WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice

which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on

dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him! ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh? ______________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Duh!!!!

I bet these kids attended expensive private schools!

The following questions and answers were collected from last year’s Standard Grade exam results in Dundee, Ireland. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds!

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. S*x can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. (continued on next page) 44

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(continued from previous page) Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A] Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

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From: Me To: You Subject: A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

Today’s youth vs. a senior citizen. No match!!!

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel and man walking on the moon. Our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing....and,” pausing to take another drink of beer…

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?”

The applause was resounding…

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From: Me To: You Subject: Best Lawyer Story of the Year, Century, Decade

Here is a great example of a very screwed up judicial system. Guess you could say the case went up in smoke.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued… and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the “fires”.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE’RE NUTS!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Albert Einstein

Pearls of wisdom from the one and only Albert Einstein. To think he couldn’t match his socks!

“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.”

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.”

“They want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits,” Einstein said, when his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador.

“I don’t believe in mathematics.”

“Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.”

“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.”

“You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.”

“Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

“Not everything that counts can be counted and not everything that can be counted counts.”

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”

“Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.”

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: When insults had class

There was a time when people had a way with words. Now we have LeetSpeek and Ebonics!

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”

– Winston Churchill “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

– Winston Churchill “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

– Clarence Darrow “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”

– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”

– Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”

– Moses Hadas “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”

– Abraham Lincoln “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

– Groucho Marx “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

– Mark Twain “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

– Oscar Wilde “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend... if you have one.”– George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one.”

– Winston Churchill, in response

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From: Me To: You Subject: A HAPPY “END”ING

I just love a story with a happy “end”ing!

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”

The stodgy town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to: “Hysterias and Posteriors.”

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

Again they got thumbs down! So next they tried: “Catatonics and High Colonics.”

And that was a no-go; so then came: “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives.”

Still not good. They asked how about: “Minds and Behinds.”

Unacceptable again. So they tried: “Lost Souls and Ass Holes.”

Still no go. Nor did: “Analysis and Anal Cysts.”

Nor: “Nuts and Butts.”

Nor: “Freaks and Cheeks.”

Nor: “Loons and Moons.”

Almost at their wits end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be acceptable to the prudish council: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”

And so it was “APPROVED!”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Senior Driver

They say the older we get the wiser we grow.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see—Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that. I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car? The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

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From: Me To: You Subject: More of the World’s Greatest Quotes

More wonderful examples of the English language when it was well-spoken and smart.

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —John Bright “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” —Irvin S. Cobb “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” —Paul Keating “He had delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” —Jack E. Leonard “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” —Robert Redford “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” —Thomas Brackett Reed “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” —James Reston (about Richard Nixon) “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”

—Charles, Count Talleyrand “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” —Forrest Tucker “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

—Mark Twain “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” —Mae West “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” —Oscar Wilde “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” —Andrew Lang (1844-1912) “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder

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From: Me To: You Subject: Common Sense

Welcome to the 21st Century.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain.

Why the early bird gets the worm.

Life isn’t always fair.

And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, I’m a Victim, and his stepsister, Liberalism.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Did you ever wonder?

Can you answer any of these?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out”?

Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen’s butt looked edible?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why is a person who handles your money called a Broker?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

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From: Me To: You Subject: History lesson

Heard this before, but it is still creepy.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named ‘Ford.’

Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘Lincoln ‘ made by ‘Ford.’

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And if all this isn’t weird enough…

A week before Lincoln was shot; he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

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From: Me To: You Subject: How smart is Your Right Foot? Not very!

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can’t. It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with you right hand !

Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!!

And there’s nothing you can do about it!

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so ! ! !

If you succeed let me know.

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From: Me To: You Subject: If you can…

Now I know why I cannot do these things.

This is from the weekly email from Rabbi Shea Hecht.

Quote:

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, If you can do all these things…

...Then you are probably the family dog.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Live Life Backwards

Sign me up!!!

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you are too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party and you’re generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then…

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions with room service on tap, and then…

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case!

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From: Me To: You Subject: My Rest Home

If cruising isn’t your deal, you could also do this at The Holiday Inn! About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.

I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello.

We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises”. She replied, “Yes, that’s true.” I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home”.

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities at only $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced?

No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them. (continued on next page) 60

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(continued from previous page) 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side – at no charge.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Mathematical viewpoint

Absolutely true!

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

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From: Me To: You Subject: MORE OXYMORONS

More thought provoking questions that I can’t answer!

Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why are they called oxymorons and not bullstupids?

Aren’t words like pre-recorded and pre-existing redundant? Wouldn’t that mean they weren’t what they are?

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From: Me To: You Subject: Mouse Story ...

This is a profound metaphor for life.

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. “What food might this contain?” the mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. “There is a mousetrap in the house!” ”There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, “Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it.”

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The pig sympathized, but said, “I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.”

The mouse turned to the cow and said, “There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!”

The cow said, “Wow, Mr. Mouse. I’m sorry for you, but it’s no skin off my nose.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer’s mousetrap—alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house – like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer’s wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer’s wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup’s main ingredient. But his wife’s sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer’s wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral; the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn’t concern you, remember —when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED ME OUT—thank you!

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From: Me To: You Subject: The new $20 Dollar Bill

Don’t know how anyone figured this out. I tried it. It gave me chills. Spooky!

Amazing $20 Bill 9/11 Coincidence Does the new U.S. $20 Dollar Bill show hidden pictures of the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks?

You decide!

Step 1: Fold a new style $20 bill like this.

Step 2: Fold the left side away from you.

Step 3: Fold the right side & see the Pentagon.

Step 4: Flip the bill over to see the WTC.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Simple Tax

Well, this explains everything! Long, but worth the read.

Sometimes politicians, journalists and others exclaim; “It’s just a tax cut for the rich!”

– and it’s accepted to be fact, without questioning it. But what does that really mean?

Just in case you are not completely clear on this issue, the following might help.

Let’s put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every day, 10 men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first 4 men [the poorest] would pay nothing.

The 5th would pay $1.

The 6th would pay $3.

The 7th would pay $7.

The 8th would pay $12.

The 9th would pay $18.

The 10th man [the richest] would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The 10 men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.”

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first 4 men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

But what about the other 6 men; the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33.

But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink free beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

(continued on next page) 66

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(continued from previous page) And so: The first 4 men [the poorest] would still pay nothing.

The 5th man, like the first 4, now paid nothing [100% savings].

The 6th now paid $2 instead of $3 [a 33% savings].

The 7th now paid $5 instead of $7 [a 28% savings].

The 8th now paid $9 instead of $12 [a 25% savings].

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 [a 22% savings].

The 10th now paid $49 instead of $59 [a16% savings].

Each of the 6 was better off than before.

And the first 4 continued to drink for free.

But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the 6th man. He pointed to the 10th man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the 5th man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got 10 times more than I did!”

“That’s true!!” shouted the 7th man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first 4 men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The 9 men surrounded the 10th and beat him up.

The next night the 10th man didn’t show up for drinks, so the 9 sat down and had beers without him.

But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works.

The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Oxymorons

These are really thought provoking. If you know any of the answers, please let me know!

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

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From: Me To: You Subject: RIDDLE OF THE DAY...

Is your mind in the gutter? Find out here!

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Bush is one.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s. . . .

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

Answer: A Last Name The World’s Greatest Email

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From: Me To: You Subject: A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Great! Finally…. I have a name for it! I feel so much better now!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote that someone left on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: The car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses…and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired.

I know this dilemma is somehow related to CRS Disorder…… (Can’t Remember Shit!)

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From: Me To: You Subject: Tired & Overworked!

Now I understand why I am so tired all the time!

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked!

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And YOU are sitting at your computer reading jokes...

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From: Me To: You Subject: The Physics of Hell

This might be the smartest, most creative email I have ever received.

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant.

One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

The student got an A on the exam.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Why, Why, Why…

More thoughts to ponder. Do you ever wonder…

Why banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough money?

Why someone believes you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why glue doesn’t stick to the bottle?

Why they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why Tarzan doesn’t have a beard?

Why Superman stops bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea it was to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why it is that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

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From: Me To: You Subject: Words of Wisdom

These are just some silly thought-provokers some of you might appreciate.

A day without sunshine is like... night?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. . it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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From: Me To: You Subject: 9/11..THIS IS FREAKY

I have no explanation for these coincidences. Do you?

1) New York City has 11 letters.

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.

4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but: 1) New York is the 11th state.

2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.

3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11 4) Flight 77 which also hit the Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5 = 11 5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 + 1+ 1 = 11 6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11 Sheer coincidence. .?! Read on and make up your own mind: 1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11.

4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie: The most recognized symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book: “For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace.”

That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.

And finally….

Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end: Open Microsoft Word and do the following: 1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.

2. Highlight the Q33 NY. 3. Change the font size to 48.

4. Change the actual font to the WINGDINGS

This is what you get:

Q33NY The World’s Greatest Email

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From: Me To: You Subject: AN INTERESTING STUDY

Who needs a study? I could have told you this!!!!

A study conducted by UCLA Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are planned.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Marriage

Do you think men and women are really supposed to get married and live together happily ever after?

Marriage (Part I ) Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: “I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my buddies and I don’t want you to give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night... whether you’re here or not.”

(DARN SHE’S GOOD!) ************************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, “Here Lies My Wife—Cold As Ever.’

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, “Here Lies My Husband—Stiff At Last.’”

(HE ASKED FOR IT!) ***************************************** Marriage (Part III)

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either!” and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls her.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.” (continued on next page) 78

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(continued from previous page) “In bed this early, doing what?”

“Getting a second opinion!”

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

***************************************** Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,” Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion shouts right back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

***************************************** THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are just not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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From: Me To: You Subject: BE PREPARED

Just goes to show that you should believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see!

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me; it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned—frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test … we couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Car Accident

This is such a sweet little story. Enjoy!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold, Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!

There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.

Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!” The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police....”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever Don’t mess with them.

Sometimes they are mean, too!

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From: Me To: You Subject: The Guys Rules

Every man I know would agree with this.

We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note... these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. (continued on next page) 82

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(continued from previous page) 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but, did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping

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From: Me To: You Subject: He said… She said

The battle of the sexes continues.

He said—I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.

She said—You wear pants don’t you?

He said—What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said—Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said—Why don’t women blink during foreplay?

She said—They don’t have time.

He said—How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said—We don’t know; it has never happened.

He said—Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and goodlooking?

She said—They already have boyfriends.

She said—What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

He said—A widow.

He said—Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said—Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

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From: Me To: You Subject: THE HORMONE HOSTAGE

Good advice! Might not be a bad idea to post this up on the refrigerator and other easily accessible areas.

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS

SAFER

SAFEST

ULTRA SAFE

What’s for dinner?

Can I help you with dinner?

Where would you Here, have some like to go for dinner? wine

Are you wearing that?

Wow, you sure look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine

What are you so worked up about?

Could we be overreacting?

Here’s my paycheck.

Here, have some wine

Should you be eating that?

You know, there are a lot of apples left.

Can I get you a piece Here, have some wine of chocolate with that?

What did you DO all day?

I hope you didn’t over-do it today.

I’ve always loved you in that robe!

Here, have some more wine.

13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly, Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff 13. Potential Murder Suspect Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! ...Or men who need a warning.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Male or Female

Can anyone think of some hermaphrodite objects? That would be interesting.

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.

Here are some examples: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Men are like…

Are we in agreement here, girls?

1. Men are like—Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

2. Men are like—Bananas … The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like—Weather … Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like—Blenders … You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like—Laxatives … They irritate the shit out of you.

6. Men are like—Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like—Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like—Government Bonds … They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like—Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like—Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

1. Men are like—Snowstorms … You never know when they’re coming, 1 how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like—Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.

3. Men are like—Parking Spots … All the good ones are taken, the rest are 1 handicapped.

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From: Me To: You Subject: New Drugs for Women

I think I need a cocktail made of all of them! My husband agrees!

D A M N I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A ’ S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person…Can we get naked now?

B U Y A G R A: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Now, share these to any woman who needs a good laugh, and any man who can handle it.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Pay Raise

Ok, everybody, if this body part could speak for itself, here is what it would probably say. Afterwards, see the response you might expect.

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, The Penis

Dear Penis, After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work eight hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative.

You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

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From: Me To: You Subject: Truisms

These, in a nutshell, show the vast differences between the sexes.

A WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE) I know I’m not going to understand women.

I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax and pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.” He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I’ll stop right here.

CIGARETTES and TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo—oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE vs. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

SAY IT AGAIN A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man’s 15,000. (continued on next page) 90

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(continued from previous page) The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

CREATION A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........”HEBREWS” THE SILENT TREATMENT A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM” and put it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Don’t drag your husband/boyfriend shopping!

Every man I know loves this email.

This letter was recently sent by Tesco’s Head Office to a customer in Midsomer, Norton, England: Dear Mrs. Murray, While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3 I housewares”..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the “Madonna look” using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled “PICK ME!” “PICK ME!” And; last, but not least, December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

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From: Me To: You Subject: SMART WOMAN

It’s true that women can be ingenious if they are just given the opportunity!!

ONE VERY SMART WOMAN........

Barry learned that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died. He decided he needed to find a woman to share it with. So, he went to a singles bar where he saw the most drop-dead gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just like any other guy,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in about a week or two, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Affairs

These are just silly old-fashioned marriage jokes reminiscent of the good old days.

The 1st Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” his wife demanded. “I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.” She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?” The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “Not this time!”

The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.” So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. “My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead!”

The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you,” she said,” pretend you’re a statue.” “What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.” No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. “Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. “Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.” “One Cent?” the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?” “A nickel,” the barman replied. “A nickel?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replied: “Upstairs, with my wife.” The man asked: “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The bartender replied: “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: The Woman

This is what I call a “flying” ovation.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They were unable to decide who would let go, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Husbands and Wives

If I ever, God forbid, get a letter like this one from my husband, I will turn to this page and copy the wife’s reply and give it to him.

A woman comes home from the store to find a letter from her husband:

To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your 54 years, can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be perturbed —I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

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From: Me To: You Subject: What a Woman Needs

No wonder I look like hell these days!

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman answered.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to eat.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS?!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Eight (8) Words with two Meanings

I can think of a lot more than eight!

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female—Any part under a car’s hood.

Male—The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female—Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.

Male—Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female—The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.

Male—Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female—A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male—Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMNT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female—A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male—Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female—An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male—A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female—The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male—Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female—A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male—A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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From: Me To: You Subject: F#$&ing, Austria

I know you won’t believe this, but this is the name of a REAL town in Austria. It is located near the towns of KISSING and PETTING! (Honest to God!)

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From: Me To: You Subject: 411

Here is a service that I have personally used, and it works! Anything to save a buck!

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls.

When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial 1(800) FREE 411, or 1(800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. The free calls are made possible by sponsorships from the various companies that participate in the service.

This works on both cell and home telephones.

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From: Me To: You Subject: SOME INTERESTING FACTS

If you have been losing sleep trying to figure out what to say at your next dinner party, look no further!

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of thumb.”

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled “Gentlemen Only ... Ladies Forbidden”... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred & Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%.

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature (continued on next page) 102

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(continued from previous page) wasn’t added until 5 years later.

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.

Hence the phrase......... “Goodnight, sleep tight.”

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts ... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, “Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.” It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s.”

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Lost in Translation

Oh, dear!!

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” sounds much more interesting in Spanish: “It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.”

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its “Got Milk?” campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was “Are you lactating?”

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

Colgate introduced toothpaste called “Cue” in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, “Fly in leather,” it came out in Spanish as “Fly naked.”

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name “Pavian” to suggest French chic … but “pavian” means “baboon” in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan “finger lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off”.

When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of “v” is f — which in German is the guttural equivalent of “sexual penetration.”

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, “Avoid Embarrassment—Use Quink” into Spanish as “Evite Embarazos—Use Quink” … which also means, “Avoid Pregnancy —Use Quink.”

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, “Pepsi Brings You Back to Life” pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.” (continued on next page) 104

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(continued from previous page) In Italy, a campaign for “Schweppes Tonic Water” translated the name into the much less thirst quenching “Schweppes Toilet Water.”

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola.

It wasn’t until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax,” depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with “ko-kou-ko-le” which translates roughly to the much more appropriate “happiness in the mouth.”

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that “Puff” in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren’t too fond of the name either, as it’s a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. “No va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that “Pinto” is Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals.” Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with “Corcel” which means horse.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its “Big John” products as “Gros Jos.” It later found out that the phrase is slang for “big breasts”.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Anagrams

I find it incredible that by rearranging the letters in these words, you come up with their meanings!

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET’S RECOUNT MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z’S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

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(continued from previous page) THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

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From: Me To: You Subject: HOW BIG IS A BILLION?

One trillion seconds would take you back to the Age of the Dinosaurs.

How big is the U.S. deficit???? Shoot me!!

More and more people are becoming billionaires. Millionaires used to be unusual, but not any more. Have you ever thought about how big a billion is?

Here is how big a billion is…

• A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

• A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. • A billion days ago no-one walked on two feet on earth.

• A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

• And a billion dollars lasts 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate our government spends it...

Scares the living daylights out of you, doesn't it?

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From: Me To: You Subject: A Horse’s Ass

Next time someone calls you this, say “thank you.”

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used. Why did “they” use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts. So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot, and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story: When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass … and you thought being a HORSE’S ASS wasn’t important!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Dessert Psychology

I tried this test on a few people and it really was accurate!

Time to take the DESSERT TEST........

DON’T PEEK AT THE ANSWERS! I have no idea who the “psychiatrists” are who supposedly did this, but it is fun! If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose (Sorry, you can only pick one!).

Choose your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.

Here are your choices: 1. Angel Food Cake 2. Brownies 3. Lemon Meringue 4. Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing 5. Strawberry Short Cake 6. Chocolate on Chocolate 7. Ice Cream 8. Carrot Cake No, you can’t change your mind once you scroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be...............

OK—Now that you’ve made your choice this is what research says about you...

1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE – Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items.

A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

2. BROWNIES – You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE – Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don’t try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING – Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad.

However, you are a friend for life. (continued on next page) 110

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(continued from previous page) 5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE – Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen.

Can be very emotional.

6. CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE – Sexy; always ready to give and receive. You are very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

7. ICE CREAM – You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports.

You don’t like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE – You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Great tips

These really are useful tips to know. **INFO ABOUT CLOTHES DRYERS**- The heating unit went out on my dryer! The guy that fixes things went in to the dryer and pulled out the lint filter. It was clean.

We always clean the lint from the filter after every load of clothes. He told us that he wanted to show us something. He took the filter over to the sink, ran hot water over it. Now, the lint filter is made of a mesh material -I’m sure you know what your dryer’s lint filter looks like. WELL … the hot water just sat on top of the mesh! It didn’t go through it at all! He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that mesh that’s what burns out the heating unit. You can’t SEE the film, but it’s there. This is also what causes dryer units to catch fire & potentially burn your house down with it! He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water & an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer at least twice as long!

REHEAT PIZZA - Heat up leftover pizza in a nonstick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza.

EASY DEVILED EGGS - Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into pan. Throw bag away when done EXPANDING FROSTING - When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar/calories per serving.

REHEATING REFRIGERATED BREAD - To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

GETTING RID OF WEEDS - Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil.

Wet newspapers and put layers around the plants overlapping; cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic but not through wet newspapers.

BROKEN GLASS - Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken pieces of glass—the fibers catch ones you can’t see!

NO MORE MOSQUITOES - Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away. (continued on next page) 112

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(continued from previous page) SQUIRREL AWAY - To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. It doesn’t hurt the plant.

REDUCING STATIC CLING - Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks.

MEASURING CUPS - Before you pour sticky substances into a measuring cup, fill it with hot water. Dump out the hot water, but don’t dry the cup. Next, add your ingredient, such as peanut butter, and watch how easily it comes right out.

FOGGY WINDSHIELD - Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!

REOPENING AN ENVELOPE - If you seal an envelope and forgot to include something inside, just place your sealed envelope in the freezer for an hour or two.

Voila! It unseals easily HAIR CONDITIONER - Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It’s a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It’s also a great way to use up the conditioner you didn’t like when you tried it in your hair.

GET RID OF ANTS - Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it “home,” can’t digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, esp. if it rains, but it works & you don’t have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Brain Tricks

The mind is an incredible thing. See if you can read this! i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

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From: Me To: You Subject: CELL PHONE GUNS

This is SCARY!!! These are real weapons!

Although going through airport security can be time-consuming and a nuisance, I think, after reading this, you will understand why it is necessary to put your cell phone through the x-ray machine. If you are asked to test your cell phone at the airport, here is the reason—CELL PHONE GUNS! Cell phone guns are already in use overseas. It is only a matter of time before these phones come to the U.S. Beneath the digital phone face is a .22 caliber handgun capable of firing four rounds in rapid succession using the standard telephone keypad.

European law enforcement officials are very concerned about these deadly decoys.

Only when you have one in your hand do you realize that they are heavier than a regular cell phone.

Be patient if security asks to look at your cell phone or turn it on to show that it works. They are trying to protect the general public. That means YOU!

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From: Me To: You Subject: How much do you know?

No cheating!!!

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters “dw” and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter “S.”

(Answers on next page) 116

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Answers: 1. Boxing.

2. Niagara Falls. (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. Strawberry.

5 It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. Lettuce. Â 9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Thank you!

I’ve spared you the originals of most of these. I think everyone with an email address can relate.

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains and takes the paint off of cars.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. (continued on next page) 118

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(continued from previous page) I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers—but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don’t forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

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From: Me To: You Subject: LeetSpeek

This is something that every parent needs to be aware of. Please read this!

Kids online use a creative code. Messages composed of numbers, symbols and misspellings are written in what’s called “leetspeek.”

by Kim Komando (Komando.com) Ever see something like this in a chat session or on a game site?

Messages riddled with numbers, symbols and misspellings are actually written in what’s called “leetspeek.”

Leet is slang for “elite,” and, as you can guess, speek means “speak.” Only a privileged group is intended to understand it. Outsiders, such as parents, are supposed to be confused by leetspeek, or leet.

With leet, letters are changed into graphical representations of letters. Once you understand that leetspeek is a visual “language,” it becomes easier to decipher. For the uninitiated, though, attempting to translate it might give you a headache.

Creativity is encouraged, so there aren’t set rules. Consistency isn’t important, either, and words are written many different ways. But there are certain conventions that leetists use. By understanding these, you’ll be better equipped to decipher their messages.

First, letters are often replaced with numbers that look similar. “E” becomes “3,” “s” becomes “5,” and so on. The word “leet” is written “1337.”

Symbols are also used to represent letters. For example, “/\/” replaces “n.” Leetists often get more creative by using other fancy symbols. Sometimes they’re rotated.

For example, “>”and “<” can both represent a “v.” Put them together, and they become an “x.”

Rules of grammar don’t apply. Misspellings are not only fine, but often encouraged.

Some leetists capitalize every letter while others drop vowels altogether. Also, typos, such as “teh” instead of “the” are left in as a matter of pride.

Letters are also often replaced with phonetically similar letters or combinations of letters. “Ph” instead of “F” is one example. You’ll also frequently see “z” replace “s,” particularly at the end of plural words.

And, of course, abbreviations are very common. Rather than type a full word, leetists will sometimes use just one letter or number. Examples include “u” for “you” and “2” for “too.” Of course, we’ve seen similar abbreviations elsewhere. (continued on next page) 120

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(continued from previous page) “M4d” is used for emphasis. One might write “m4d skillz” to say someone is highly capable. Emphasis is also attained by adding “orz” to the end of a word.

For the most part, leet is just a different way of writing common words. However, there are leet words that have emerged, and more are likely to follow. Here are some words that are common in leet: Kewl = cool N00b or newbie = a new user D00d = dude R0x0r = rocks, meaning something is cool W00t or \o/ = woohoo If you’re a parent, pay attention to the following list. These words can point to illegal activities or indicate your child is a bully: H4x = hack Warez or w4rez = illegal software Pr0n = porn Sploitz = exploits, or software vulnerabilities 0\/\/n3d or pwn3d = an assertion of superiority Leetspeek continues to evolve as people add to it. It also becomes more complicated as leeters attempt to show off their skills. Some leetists use what they term uber-leet or advanced leet.

There are translators available that claim to convert leet to English or vice versa.

But these don’t work very well. For a list of letters and common leet equivalents, visit my Web site.

Copyright 2005, WestStar TalkRadio Network.

All rights reserved. Kim Komando hosts the nation’s largest talk radio show about computers and the Internet. To find the station nearest you broadcasting Kim’s show, visit: www.komando.com/findkimonair.asp. To subscribe to Kim’s free weekly email newsletter, sign-up at: www.komando.com/newsletter.asp.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Directions from New York to Paris

This is for real! Check it out for yourself at http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&hl=en& saddr=New+York&daddr=Paris,+France&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=32.059939,5 9.238281&layer=&ie=UTF8&z=3&om=1 Scroll down to Step # 23 for a laugh.

3,800 mi (about 29 days 7 hours) 1. Head southwest on Broadway toward Warren St 0.2 mi 1 min 2. Turn left at Park Row 0.1 mi 1 min 3. Slight right at Frankfort St 0.3 mi 1 min 4. Turn left at Pearl St 56 ft 5. Turn right onto the F.D.R. Dr N ramp 0.4 mi 1 min 6. Merge onto FDR Dr N 7.7 mi 12 mins 7. Take exit 17 on the left for Triboro Bridge/Grand Central Pkwy toward I-278/Bruckner Expy 0.4 mi 2 mins 8. Merge onto Triborough Bridge Partial toll road 0.4 mi 1 min 9. Merge onto I-278 E via the ramp to I-87 N/Bronx/ Upstate N Y/New England 0.6 mi 1 min 10. Take exit 47 to merge onto Bruckner Expy/I-278 E toward New Haven 1.9 mi 2 mins 11. Take the I-278 E exit toward New Haven 0.3 mi 12. Merge onto Bruckner Expy 5.0 mi 6 mins 13. Continue on I-95 N Partial toll road Entering Connecticut 62.1 mi 1 hr 12 mins 14. Take exit 48 on the left to merge onto I-91 N toward Hartford 36.8 mi 37 mins 15. Take exit 29 for US-5 N/CT-15 toward I-84/E Hartford/Boston 0.4 mi 16. Merge onto CT-15 N 1.7 mi 2 mins 17. Merge onto I-84 E Partial toll road Entering Massachusetts 40.7 mi 38 mins 18. Take the exit onto I-90 E/Mass Pike/Massachusetts Turnpike toward N.H.-Maine/Boston Partial toll road 56.0 mi 56 mins 19. Take exit 24 A-B-C on the left toward I-93 N/Concord NH/ S Station/I-93 S/Quincy 0.4 mi 1 min 20. Merge onto Atlantic Ave 0.8 mi 3 mins (continued on next page) 122

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(continued from previous page) 21. Turn right at Central St 0.1 mi 22. Turn right at Long Wharf 0.1 mi 23. Swim across the Atlantic Ocean 3,462 mi 24. Slight right at E05 0.5 mi 25. At the traffic circle, take the 2nd exit onto E05/Pont Vauban 0.1 mi 26. Turn right at E05 Partial toll road 17.3 mi 27. At the traffic circle, take the 2nd exit onto A131/E05 heading to A131/Rouen/Paris/Evreux Partial toll road 9.1 mi 28. Take the exit onto A13/E05/L’Autoroute de Normandie Partial toll road 20.3 mi 29. Take the exit onto A13/E05/L’Autoroute de Normandie Partial toll road 56.5 mi 30. Take the exit on the left onto A14 toward Nanterre/La Défense Partial toll road 12.5 mi 31. Slight right at N13 1.4 mi 32. Turn right at Avenue de Neuilly/N13 269 ft 33. At traffic circle, take 4th exit onto Avenue de la Grande Armée 0.7 mi 34. At Place Charles de Gaulle, take the 5th exit onto Avenue des Champs-Elysées 1.3 mi 35. Slight right at Voie Georges Pompidou 1.4 mi 36. Slight left to stay on Voie Georges Pompidou 440 ft 37. Slight right at Quai de la Mégisserie 377 ft 38. Continue on Quai de Gesvres 0.2 mi 39. Turn left at Place de l’Hôtel de Ville 194 ft

29 days 2 mins 22 mins 8 mins 17 mins 47 mins 16 mins 3 mins

3 mins 3 mins 3 mins

1 min

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From: Me To: You Subject: State Trivia

Here are some interesting facts that you may not be aware of.

ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.

ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot’s license.

ARIZONA ... Is the only state in the continental U.S. that doesn’t follow Daylight Savings Time.

ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S. CALIFORNIA ... Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.

COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.

CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.

DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.

FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the largest city in America.

GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.

HAWAII ... Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in any other state. Cause they hula!

IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.

ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick’s Day. INDIANA ... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which gets a half million letters to Santa every year.

IOWA ... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.

KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz. KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.

LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.

MAINE … It’s so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.

MARYLAND ... The Oujia board was created in Baltimore in 1892.

MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.

MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.

MINNESOTA ... Bloomington’s Mall of America is so big, if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you’d be there nearly four days. (continued on next page) 124

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(continued from previous page) MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here. That’s how the teddy bear got its name.

MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.

MONTANA ... A sapphire from Montana is in the Crown Jewels of England.

NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.

NEVADA ... Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.

NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.

NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.

NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.

NEW YORK ... Is home to the nation’s oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk.

NORTH CAROLINA ... Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.

NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America.

OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900.

OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.

OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.

PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.

RHODE ISLAND … The nation’s oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673.

SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world’s largest gingko farm.

SOUTH DAKOTA ... Is the only state that’s never had an earthquake.

TENNESSEE ... Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.

TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.

UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.

VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald’s.

VIRGINIA ... Home of the world’s largest office building, the Pentagon.

WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state capital.

WASHINGTON D.C… Was the first planned capital in the world.

WEST VIRGINIA … Had the world’s first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.

WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.

WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Which fruit would you pick if you were handed these?

I’m a papayago or a mangaya!!! (papaya and mango). What are you?

1. Orange 2. Apple 3. Banana 4. Coconut 5. Pineapple 6. Papaya 7. Mango 8. Cherry 9. Black Grapes 10. Peach 11. Custard Apple 12. Pear What is your pick??? (Pick before you scroll down .... Do Not CHEAT!!!)

ORANGE - If orange is your favorite fruit, it speaks of a person who has enduring patience and willpower. You like to do things slowly, but very thoroughly and are completely undaunted by hard work. You tend to be shy, but are a reliable and trustworthy friend.

You have an aesthetic bent of mind. You select your partner with care and you love with all your heart, and not in for just a fling. You avoid conflict at all costs APPLE - If apple is your favorite fruit, you are an extravagant, impulsive and outspoken person, often with a bit of a temper. While you may not be the best organizer yourself, you make a good team leader and are good at taking things forward. You can take quick action in most situations. You enjoy travel immensely. You ooze with charm when you are with your partner. You have an enthusiasm for life, unmatched by most.

BANANA - You are a softy! Loving, gentle, warm and sympathetic by nature is the banana lover. You often lack in self-confidence and are quite timid by nature. People often take advantage of your sweet temperedness, and sheer vulnerability to a situation. You adore your partner in every which way, both for their mental and physical beauty! Because of the way you are, your relationship is always very much in harmony!

COCONUT - The coconut lover is a serious, very thoughtful and contemplative person.

Though you enjoy socializing, you are particular about the company you keep. You tend to be stubborn but not necessarily foolhardy. Shrewd, quick-witted and alert, you ensure that you are right on top of any given scenario, especially at work. You need a partner with brains, and while passion is important it certainly isn’t everything for you.

PINEAPPLE - You are quick to decide and even quicker to act. You are brave in making career changes, if that is what is to your advantage. You have exceptional organizing abilities and are undaunted by the size of the task at hand. You tend to be self reliant, sincere and honest in your dealings with others. Though you are not given to making friends very quickly, once you do, it is for life. Your partner is often impressed with your sterling qualities but disappointed in your ability to show affection. However, you love deeply and hurt hard. (continued on next page) 126

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(continued from previous page) PAPAYA - You are truly fearless and take much that happens in life in your stride. You give considerable thought to things you do. You have a sense of humor that, along with your generous nature, keeps you in most people’s good books. You are a gogetter in your professional life, and have a knack for being in the right place at the right time. You enjoy meeting new people and seeing new sights whenever you can.

Your sense of humor is what attracts members of the opposite sex to you more than anything else. It is simply charming!

MANGO - A mango lover is a personality to be reckoned with; quite often, you are a person who has quite fixed ideas, and influencing you is not an easy task. You tend to be an extremist with strong likes and dislikes, and at times even like to control a situation. You enjoy getting involved in something that presents mental challenge.

Strong as you may be, you are like a kitten when you are with your partner. You accommodate the love of your life, and make up for all the strong will elsewhere!

CHERRY - If cherry is your favorite fruit, life isn’t always as sweet for you. You often face ups and downs, particularly professionally, and find that you make small sums of $$$, instead of a lump sum. You have a fertile imagination and are often involved in creative pursuits. You are a very sincere and loyal partner, but find that expressing your feelings is not very easy. Your home is your haven, and you love nothing more than being surrounded by close family and your beloved partner.

BLACK GRAPES - You are a polite person in general, but do have quick flare-ups of temper that cool down just as quickly. You enjoy beauty in all forms, including beautiful people. You are very popular because of your warm, gregarious nature. You have a zest for life; you enjoy everything you do, right from the way you dress, to your style and your day-to-day life. Your partner must share your zeal and zing for life to enjoy all you have to offer!

PEACH - Like a peach, you enjoy the juice of life & all its lush ripeness! You are the friendly sort, and are quite frank and outspoken, which adds to your charm.

You are quick to forgive and forget; and value your friendships highly. You have an independent and ambitious streak in you that make you a real go-getter. You are the ideal lover, fiery and passionate but sincere and faithful in love. You don’t, however, like to display all that passion in public.

CUSTARD APPLE - You are a modest and conservative person who can be quite sensitive at times. You tend to be thoughtful and contemplative, and therefore are rarely rash in doing things. You are quite ambitious and are good at anything that requires much detailing or working with numbers. You are quick at finding fault with others. While looking for a partner, you value a person’s intellect far above their looks or good old passion. You are quite shy and not very comfortable demonstrating affection.

PEAR - If you put your mind to something you can do it successfully, but by and large you tend to be fickle and have trouble completing a task with the enthusiasm you started it with. You need to know the results of your efforts almost immediately. You enjoy mental stimulation and love to get into a good discussion! You tend to be a restless and high-strung person, and are easily excited. Being happy doesn’t mean everything’s perfect! It means you’ve decided to see beyond the imperfections!

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From: Me To: You Subject:: Interesting Facts

In my next life, I want to be a pig!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don’t try this at home, maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.

The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (“Honey, I’m home. What the....?!”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. 30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life … quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

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From: Me To: You Subject: The Truth About New Jersey

I got newfound respect for the place!

If you’ve ever lived in Jersey...you’ll appreciate this!!! If you live somewhere else, you might find it interesting.

New Jersey is a peninsula.

Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire eastern seaboard, from Maine to Florida.

New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas.

New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky.

New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq mi.) than Havana, Cuba.

New Jersey has the densest system of highways and railroads in the US.

New Jersey has the highest cost of living.

New Jersey has the highest cost of auto insurance.

New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation.

New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the “Diner Capital of the World.”

New Jersey is home to the original Mystery Pork Parts Club (no, not Spam): Taylor Ham or Pork Roll.

Home to the less mysterious, but the best Italian hot dogs and Italian sausage with peppers and onions.

North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius.

New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.

The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventor John P. Holland.

New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for water quality control than any other seaboard state in the entire country.

New Jersey is a leading technology & industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals.

Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy.

AMEN!!!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Help for Bad Eyes

For all of you ocularly challenged people like myself.

Did you know that if you hold down the Ctrl key on your keyboard and simultaneously turn the small wheel in the middle of your mouse, you can change the font size of the print depending on which way you turn the wheel?

Scroll up and the print gets larger.

Scroll down and the print gets smaller.

You also enlarge or decrease the size of the document at the same time.

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From: Me To: You Subject: More Interesting Facts

See if you know the answers to these questions.

1. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

2. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

3. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?

4. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

5. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

6. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

7. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.

Do you know what they are?

Spades Hearts Clubs Diamonds

ANSWERS: 1. Their birthplace 2. Obsession 3. One thousand 4. All were invented by women.

5. Honey 6. Father’s Day 7.

Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar The World’s Greatest Email

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From: Me To: You Subject: WORD POWER

You won’t believe how aggravatingly simple this is.

See If You Can Figure Out What These Words Have In Common…

Banana Dresser Grammar Potato Revive Uneven Assess Have You Given Up? Give It Another Try....

You’ll kick yourself when you discover the answer.

Go back and look at them again; think hard.

OK... Here You Go..

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?

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From: Me To: You Subject: WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ

This should be a cinch!

(Passing requires 4 correct answers) NO CHEATING! 1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you only need 4 correct answers to pass.

What do you mean, you failed? Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they can feel useless too.

ANSWERS: 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange The World’s Greatest Email

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CaesarEan Section

Kids Ta k e O n ly 1 H e is watch ing

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From: Me To: You Subject: Problem with School

This email was sent by a family friend to my son, Beau, when he was complaining about school. Do you know how hard it is to for a smart person to write stupid-like?

It must have taken her forever! I love you, Jan. Deerist Bow, Wen I was chatin to mum yesterday she told me that you were havin a problem with skool, well luv you hav both ar simpathys, we hatid skool and thort it was a waste of time. There are so much better things to do than spend yor time in an istitchoshun, there is the beech, the mawl, and later bars to hang out in.

I didn’t hav much of an edukashun as in the eest end wear I was dragged up the emfasis was on havin a good time, the skool wos crap and we had a difrent teecha evry term and we were all destined to work in the factry down the road so it didn’t matter any how, it was only mi sexy figar, stunning good looks and devastatin charm wot got me wear I am today. Mi dad came from a worser heep than me but he had his amazing talent to get him along life hard stony pathway.

Wot I want to get ackros to you Bow is that you got the looks, the charm and the talent, don’t know about the sexy body yet as how you are still growin so do yoo need skool. I don’t fink so. Wen you are a star and ernin pots of dosh you will always find sum wun who will take care of your money for you, so don’t you wurry about doin sums. I am sure your mum and dad hav got a bit put by so you aint gonna starve.

Strangly my kids wanted to do well at skool, it’s always bin a puzzle to me n uncle tex. Just do your best and wing the rest we told them but no, for sum strange reason they workd hard and did well. They told me that as they had oportunity whitch lots didn’t, they wanted to make the most of it. They sed they had to be there so they wood do there best and make the most of it. Init strange how kids tern out.

So darling boy, I sugest you don’t listen to mum wen she bangs on about opatunitys and how important it is to get this edukashun, if you moan and give them a hard time they mite just give up and let you wing it four a wile. I will always be there for you, I can teech you any swear words you mite not no and how to talk proper Inglish.

Stay sweet, anty Jan .x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

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From: Me To: You Subject: Dirty Minds

I’m with Molly.

Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you’ll get fired!” She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??”

Little Molly’s mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore Molly and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Jimmy.”

Then she turned to Molly and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you obviously didn’t read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

Talk about writing in pictures. Enthusiastic teenagers do it better than anybody.

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are some of last year’s winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

7. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

8. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

9. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

10. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

11. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

12. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

13. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

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From: Me To: You Subject: 1st Grade Oceanographers

What happens to us after we grow up? What great kiddie quotes.

I drew a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly age 6) Oysters’ balls are called pearls.

(James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island.

If you don’t have sea all around you, you are incontinent.

(Wayne age 7)

A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.

(Billy age 6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.

(Millie age 6) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.

Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.

(William age 7) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.

How do mermaids get pregnant?

(Helen age 7) Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.

They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher age 7) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.

(Kevin age 6) There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.

(Russ age 5)

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From: Me To: You Subject: Welcome to the 21st Century

What happened to the good old stork?

Daddy—How was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?” The father answers: “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo!. Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little PopUp appeared and said: “You’ve Got Male!”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Kids With Brains

3 reasons not to mess with children!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”. ********************************************************************* A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.” ********************************************************************* A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.” ********************************************************************* 140

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From: Me To: You Subject: LIPSTICK AT SCHOOL

Some teachers are just plain gifted!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handle squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators ........

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From: Me To: You Subject: Mature Little Guy

Once the genie is out of the bottle, you can’t put it back!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast till the chores are done.

Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother and with a smile says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Bad-Ass Kids

More reasons not to mess with kids. Too funny!

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?” ********************************************************************* The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.” ********************************************************************* A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.” ********************************************************************* The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: What Does Love Mean?

Only through the eyes of a child.....

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.

They look gross when they kiss.”

Emily - age 8 “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”

Nikka - age 6 (We need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet.)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday.”

Noelle - age 7 “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”

Tommy - age 6 “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”

Cindy - age 8 “My mommy loves me more than anybody.

You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”

Clare - age 6 “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.”

Chris - age 7 “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”

Mary Ann - age 4 “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”

Lauren - age 4 “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”

Jessica - age 8

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From: Me To: You Subject: Goodbye America

This is a “hot” controversial topic. Read with an open mind.

We know Dick Lamm as the former Governor of Colorado. In that context his thoughts are particularly poignant. Recently, there was an immigration overpopulation conference in Washington, DC, filled to capacity by many of American’s finest minds and leaders. A brilliant college professor by the name of Victor Hansen Davis talked about his latest book, Mexifornia, “explaining how immigration, both legal and illegal was destroying the entire state of California.”

He said it would march across the country until it destroyed all vestiges of The American Dream.

Moments later, former Colorado Governor Richard D. Lamm stood up and gave a stunning speech on how to destroy America. The audience sat spellbound as he described eight methods for the destruction of the United States. He said, “If you believe that America is too smug, too self-satisfied, too rich, then let’s destroy America. It is not that hard to do. No nation in history has survived the ravages of time. Arnold Toynbee observed that all great civilizations rise and fall and that ‘An autopsy of history would show that all great nations commit suicide.’”

“Here is how they do it,” Lamm said: “First, to destroy America, turn America into a bilingual or multi-lingual and bicultural country. History shows that no nation can survive the tension, conflict, and antagonism of two or more competing languages and cultures. It is a blessing for an individual to be bilingual; however, it is a curse for a society to be bilingual. The historical scholar, Seymour Lipset, put it this way: ‘The histories of bilingual and bicultural societies that do not assimilate are histories of turmoil, tension, and tragedy.’

Canada, Belgium, Malaysia, and Lebanon all face crises of national existence in which minorities press for autonomy, if not independence. Pakistan and Cyprus have divided. Nigeria suppressed an ethnic rebellion. France faces difficulties with Basques, Bretons, and Corsicans.”

Second, to destroy America, “Invent ‘multiculturalism’ and encourage immigrants to maintain their culture. I would make it an article of belief that all cultures are equal.

That there are no cultural differences. I would make it an article of faith that the Black and Hispanic dropout rates are due solely to prejudice and discrimination by the majority. Every other explanation is out of bounds.”

Third, “We could make the United States an ‘Hispanic Quebec’ without much effort. The key is to celebrate diversity rather than unity. As Benjamin Schwarz said in the Atlantic Monthly recently: ‘The apparent success of our own multiethnic and multicultural experiment might have been achieved not by tolerance but by hegemony. Without the dominance that once dictated ethnocentricity and what it meant to be an American, we are left with only (continued on next page) 146

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(continued from previous page) tolerance and pluralism to hold us together.’” Lamm said, “I would encourage all immigrants to keep their own language and culture. I would replace the melting pot metaphor with the salad bowl metaphor. It is important to ensure that we have various cultural subgroups living in America enforcing their differences, rather than as Americans emphasizing their similarities.”

“Fourth, I would make our fastest growing demographic group the least educated.

I would add a second underclass—unassimilated, undereducated, and antagonistic to our population. I would have this second underclass have a 50% dropout rate from high school.”

“My fifth point for destroying America would be to get big foundations and businesses to give these efforts lots of money. I would invest in ethnic identity, and I would establish the cult of ‘Victimology.’ I would get all minorities to think that their lack of success was the fault of the majority. I would start a grievance industry blaming all minority failure on the majority population.”

“My sixth plan for America’s downfall would include dual citizenship, and promote divided loyalties. I would celebrate diversity over unity. I would stress differences rather than similarities. Diverse people worldwide are mostly engaged in hating each other - that is, when they are not killing each other. A diverse, peaceful, or stable society is against most historical precedent. People undervalue the unity it takes to keep a nation together. Look at the ancient Greeks. The Greeks believed that they belonged to the same race; they possessed a common language and literature; and they worshipped the same gods. All Greece took part in the Olympic Games. A common enemy, Persia, threatened their liberty. Yet all these bonds were not strong enough to overcome two factors: local patriotism and geographical conditions that nurtured political divisions. Greece fell. ‘E. Pluribus Unum’—From many, one. In that historical reality, if we put the emphasis on the ‘pluribus,’ instead of the ‘Unum,’ we will balkanize America as surely as Kosovo.”

“Next to last, I would place all subjects off limits; make it taboo to talk about anything against the cult of ‘diversity.’ I would find a word similar to ‘heretic’ in the 16th century - that stopped discussion and paralyzed thinking. Words like ‘racist’ or ‘xenophobe’ halt discussion and debate. Having made America a bilingual/ bicultural country, having established multi-culturism, having the large foundations fund the doctrine of ‘Victimology,’ I would next make it impossible to enforce our immigration laws. I would develop a mantra: That because immigration has been good for America, it must always be good. I would make every individual immigrant symmetric and ignore the cumulative impact of millions of them.”

Profound silence followed. Finally he said,.”Lastly, I would censor Victor Hanson Davis’s book Mexifornia. His book is dangerous. It exposes the plan to destroy America. If you feel America deserves to be destroyed, don’t read that book.” (continued on next page) The World’s Greatest Email

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(continued from previous page) There was no applause. A chilling fear quietly rose like an ominous cloud above every attendee at the conference. Every American in that room knew that everything Lamm enumerated was proceeding methodically, quietly, darkly, yet pervasively across the United States today.

Discussion is being suppressed. Over 100 languages are ripping the foundation of our educational system and national cohesiveness. Even barbaric cultures that practice female genital mutilation are growing as we celebrate “diversity.”

American jobs are vanishing into the Third World as corporations create a Third World in America - take note of California and other states—to date, ten million illegal aliens and growing fast.

It is reminiscent of George Orwell’s book 1984. In that story, three slogans are engraved in the Ministry of Truth building: “War is peace,” “Freedom is slavery,” and “Ignorance is strength.”

Governor Lamm walked back to his seat. It dawned on everyone at the conference that our nation and the future of this great democracy is deeply in trouble and worsening fast. If we don’t get this immigration monster stopped within three years, it will rage like a California wildfire and destroy everything in its path, especially The American Dream.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Global Economy

Is anything made in America anymore other than the people born here?

AIN’T THIS THE TRUTH!!!

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY), filled it with gas from Saudi Arabia, and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day he checked his computer (Made In Malaysia) and then Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in AMERICA......

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From: Me To: You Subject: Bill and Hill

Maybe we would be better off with a four-legged President.

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, “Bill, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back Middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008.”

“Great, but how do you propose we go about that,” asked Bill? “Well,” Hillary responded, “we’ll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we’ll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. When we look the part we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America, and we’ll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there.”

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for.

With dog in tow they walked into the bar. They stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, “Aren’t you Bill and Hillary Clinton?” Hillary answered, “Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color.”

They then ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceeded to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in.

He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.

“Tell me” said Hillary, “why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?”

“Good Lord no,” said the bartender. ‘It’s just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two assholes!”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Bush Bumper Stickers

I’m almost starting to feel sorry for the guy!

1) (On an infant’s shirt): Already smarter than Bush!

2) 1/20/09: End of an Error.

3) That’s OK, I Wasn’t Using My Civil Liberties Anyway!

4) Let’s Fix Democracy in THIS Country First!

5) If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran.

6) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

7) You Can’t Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time!

8) If You Can Read This, You’re Not Our President.

9) Of Course It Hurts: You’re Getting Screwed by an Elephant!

10) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet? 11) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight.

12) Impeachment: It’s Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore!

13) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century!

14) America: One Nation, Under Surveillance.

15) Which God Do You Kill For? 16) Cheney/Satan ‘08.

17) Jail to the Chief!

18) Bush: God’s Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap.

19) We Need a President Who’s Fluent In At Least One Language.

20) We’re Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them.

21) Bush Doesn’t Care About White People, Either.

22) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him! 23) Impeach Cheney First.

24) Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too! 25) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46 a Gallon.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Christmas Party

What is the world coming to?

FROM: Nancy Bordosky, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 1st November 2006 RE: Christmas Party I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Merry Christmas to you and your Family. Nancy ********************************************************************* FROM: Nancy Bordosky, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 2nd November 2006 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’.

The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy Holidays to you and your family, Nancy ********************************************************************* FROM; Nancy Bordosky, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 6th November 2006 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a (continued on next page) 152

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(continued from previous page) little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. ********************************************************************* FROM: Nancy Bordosky, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: 7th November 2006 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first or bring their own. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! ********************************************************************* FROM: Nancy Bordosky, Human Resources Director TO: All F****** Employees DATE: 8th November 2006 RE: The F******* Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink, drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ********************************************************************* FROM: Jim Haynes – Acting Human Resources Director RE: Nancy Bordosky and Holiday Party DATE: 9th November 2006 I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Nancy Bordosky a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of 23rd December off with full pay.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Government True-isms

Political insights by great thinkers.

“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself.” —Mark Twain “I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.” —Winston Churchill “A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.” —George Bernard Shaw “Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.” —James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994) “Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.” —Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University “Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.” —P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian “Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.” —Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) “Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

—Ronald Reagan (1986) “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” —Will Rogers “If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!” —P.J. O’Rourke “In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.” —Voltaire (1764) “Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.” —Unknown “No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.” —Mark Twain (1866) “The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.” —Ronald Reagan (continued on next page) 154

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(continued from previous page) “The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.” —Winston Churchill “The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.” —Mark Twain “The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.” —Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903) “There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress.” —Mark Twain “What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.” —Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995) “A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.” —Thomas Jefferson

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From: Me To: You Subject: Make Someone Happy

I could have predicted the punch line.

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy.”

The Vice President shrugs and says, “Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.”

Not to be outdone, the Ex Secretary of Defense says, “Of course, then, I could throw 100 $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, “Such arrogant asses back there.

Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Greetings from OBL

I dare say, whether you are a George W. fan or not, you will think this is funny!

After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was baffled, so he emailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain’s MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: HISTORY TEST

If things politically incorrect upset you — DO NOT READ! However, if you have a brain in your head, take the plunge!

Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual events from history. They actually happened.

Do you remember?

1. In 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by: a. Superman b. Jay Leno c. Harry Potter d. a Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40 2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by: a. Olga Corbett b. Sitting Bull c. Arnold Schwarzenegger d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by: a. Lost Norwegians b. Elvis c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 4. During the 1980’s a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by: a. John Dillinger b. The King of Sweden c. The Boy Scouts d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by: a. A pizza delivery boy b. Pee Wee Herman c. Geraldo Rivera d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by: a. The Smurfs b. Davy Jones c. The Little Mermaid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by: a. Captain Kidd b. Charles Lindberg (continued on next page) 158

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(continued from previous page) c. Mother Teresa d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by: a. Scooby Doo b. The Tooth Fairy c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by: a. Richard Simmons b. Grandma Moses c. Michael Jordan d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by: a. Mr. Rogers b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems c. The World Wrestling Federation d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Center and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by: a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd b. The Supreme Court of Florida c. Mr. Bean d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against: a. Enron b. The Lutheran Church c. The NFL d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40 13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by: a. Bonnie and Clyde b. Captain Kangaroo c. Billy Graham d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, ..I really don’t see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will not be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President’s security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winners, but leave Muslim males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling.

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From: Me To: You Subject: GUESS WHO?

I bet you can figure out who these people are without having to look at the answer.

Imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses * 3 have done time for assault * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Becoming Illegal

I hate to admit it, but there seems to be something to this.

Becoming Illegal (Letter from a U.S. resident) Dear Senator: As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from US citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate, and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as “instate” tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.

Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Outsourcing

Ok, I know I have spoken to this guy! Bet you have too!

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said, “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.”

Mujibar said, “I am ready.”

The manager said, “Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.”

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister manager, I am ready.” The manager said, “Go ahead.”

Mujibar said, “The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.’”

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

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From: Me To: You Subject: PC

Thank you, Don Imus!

From now on there will only be 49 contestants in the Miss Black America Contest because no one wants to wear the banner that says…

IDAHO

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From: Me To: You Subject: HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

I especially like # 7.

1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” — He has developed a “LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.” 2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” — He is “OVERLY CAUCASIAN.” 3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” — He “INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.” 4. He is not “BALDING” — He is in “FOLLICLE REGRESSION.” 5. He is not a “CRADLE ROBBER” — He prefers “GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.” 6. He does not get “FALLING-DOWN DRUNK” — He becomes “ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.” 7. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS” — He develops a case of “RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.” 8. He is not a “MALE CHAUVINIST PIG” — He has “SWINE EMPATHY.” 9. He is not afraid of “COMMITMENT” — He is “RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.” 10. He is not “HORNY” — He is “SEXUALLY FOCUSED.” 11. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his pants — It’s “REARCLEAVAGE.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

Another way to avoid fights.

1 She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” — She is a “BREASTED FEMALE.” 2. She is not a “SCREAMER” or a “MOANER” — She is “VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.” 3. She is not “EASY” — She is “HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.” 4. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” — She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.” 5. She has not “BEEN AROUND” — She is a “PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.” 6. She is not an “AIRHEAD” — She is “REALITY IMPAIRED.” 7. She does not have “BREAST IMPLANTS” — She is “MEDICALLY ENHANCED.” 8. She does not “NAG” you — She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE.” 9. She is not a “TRAMP” — She is “SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.” 10. She does not have “MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS” — She is “PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.” 11. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” — She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER.”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Traveling Politicians

I couldn’t decide whether this fell into Smart/Stupid People or Political. Flipped a coin.

A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts,” Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa,” Her response—click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, “Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?” I said, “No.” She said, “But they look so close on the map.”

5. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

6. A New York lawmaker called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, “No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

7. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?”

8. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, “I (continued on next page) 166

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(continued from previous page) was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

9. A lady Senator called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?” I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

10. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.

When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

11. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, “I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.” The lady retorted, “Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!” So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?” The reply?

“Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Whatever your party affiliation, now you know why our Government is in the shape that it’s in!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Question Time

Just to be fair and balanced.

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world.

After her talk, she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

“Kenneth,” came the reply.

“And what is your question, Kenneth?”

“I have three questions, Ma-am: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?”

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?” This time a different little boy puts his hand up.

Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

“Larry,” he said.

“And what is your question?”

“I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?”

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From: Me To: You Subject: TEACHER APPLICANT

Heaven help us!

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: “Let me see if I’ve got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I’m supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, and make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don’t come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and then you tell me...

I CAN’T PRAY to God for some help???”

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From: Me To: You Subject: Understanding the Border Problem

Here is an interesting perspective on the U.S. border problem.

Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.

Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let’s say I break into your house.

Let’s say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.

But I say, “I’ve made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I’ve done all the things you don’t like to do. I’m hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).”

According to the protesters:

1. You are REQUIRED to let me stay in your house.

2. You are REQUIRED to add me to your family’s insurance plan.

3. You are REQUIRED to educate my kids.

4. You are REQUIRED to provide other benefits to me and to my family.

5. My husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part.

6. If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.

7. It’s only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I’m just trying to better myself.

8. I’m a hard-working and honest person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house.

And what a deal it is for me!!!

I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.

Oh yeah… I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE so you can communicate with me!!!

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From: Me To: You Subject: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Good thing the future of the world didn’t depend on me! I failed this test!

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Question 2: It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Question 2: Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

ANSWER: Question 1: Your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

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BANK OF MICROSOFT

5845

To: You for Forwarding Email $3,400,400.00 and no/100 5845 2704 4329 :|

Sincerely B. Gates

...and over there is the CaesarEan Section

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From: Me To: You Subject: Urban Legends

If you don’t know what an Urban Legend is, read this. No one should pass on an email that is false information unless a disclaimer is made stating so.

Urban Legends are stories, thought to be true, that have made their way through cyberspace and have been determined to be FALSE. Many an email that is forwarded to you is believed to be true and is unknowingly forwarded by an unsuspecting friend in an attempt to warn you, find a missing person, or make you aware of something the sender deems important. It is your duty to respond to him/her stating the email is false if you are aware that, it is, in fact, an Urban Legend.

Here are some great websites that you can go to if you want to check out the veracity of an email before you forward it—always a good idea! www.snopes.com http://www.warphead.com/urbanlegends/ FYI—Before you do pass any email along, it is best to cut and paste it to a new email and delete the email addresses of the other people who have received this email before you. If you don’t do this, these addresses (including yours) are sometimes added to SPAM lists. (SPAM is unwanted email from unknown senders, usually trying to sell you something or entice you to their web sites. It is best to avoid.)

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From: Me To: You Subject: ATTORNEY’S ADVICE – NO CHARGE

Many thanks to the attorney who donated this very important information. Sure made it easy for me when I lost my wallet.

Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday.

Maybe we should all take some of his advice!

A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.

1. The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your checkbook, they will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first name, but your bank will know how you sign your checks.

2. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put “PHOTO ID REQUIRED”.

3. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the “For” line. Instead, just put the last four numbers.

The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won’t have access to it.

4. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box, use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks. (DUH!) You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have it printed, anyone can get it.

5. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We’ve all heard horror stories about fraud that’s committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards.

Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here’s some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know: 1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them. (continued on next page) 174

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(continued from previous page) 2. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

But here’s what is perhaps most important of all: (I never even thought to do this.)

3. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.

By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves’ purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away. This weekend someone turned it in. It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks.

Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, etc., having been stolen: 1) Equifax: 1-800-525-6285 2) Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742 3) Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289 4) Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271

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From: Me To: You Subject: Email Safety

This is actually an email that is worth forwarding! Most of the people I know are still uneducated about the correct way to forward an email. It’s a bit confusing, but stick with it!

Do you REALLY know how to forward email?

Ever wonder why you get viruses or junk mail? Every time you forward an email, there is information left over from the people who got the message before you – their email addresses and names are still visible. As the messages get forwarded along, the list builds and builds and builds. All it takes is for some poor sap to get a virus on his computer. When forwarded, that virus is sent to every email address that has come across that computer. Furthermore, someone can take all of those addresses that were revealed to them and sell them, or send junk email to them in the hopes that you will go to the site and that person will make five cents for each hit.

Here’s how to stop it: 1. You MUST click the “Forward” button first and then you will have full editing capabilities against the body and headers of the message or any email addresses that are listed. If you don’t click on “Forward” first, you won’t be able to edit the message and delete the other email addresses at all. Then DELETE all of the other addresses that appear in the body of the message (at the top). You can do that by highlighting them, using the backspace button, or cut them and delete them - whatever it is you know how to do to get rid of them. It only takes a second.

2. Whenever you send an email to more than one person, do NOT use the “To” or “CC” fields for adding other email addresses. Always use the “BCC” (blind carbon copy) field for listing the email addresses. This way the people you send to will only see their own email address. If you don’t see your “BCC” option, click on “To” and your address list will appear. Highlight the address and then choose “BCC.” It’s that easy. When you send to “BCC” your message will automatically say “Undisclosed Recipients” in the “To” field of the ones who receive it.

3. Remove any “FW” in the subject line. You can rename the subject or even fix spelling.

4. ALWAYS hit your “Forward” button from the actual email you are reading, not from the one who sent it to you!! This is how you get an email that is miles long before you get to read the one page with the wanted information on it. By forwarding from the actual page you wish to be viewed, it eliminates all that extra stuff.

5. Before you forward an Amber Alert or a Virus Alert, or some of the other ones floating around nowadays, check them out before you forward them. Most of them are junk mail that has been circling the net for YEARS! 176

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From: Me To: You Subject: 90# on the telephone

NEVER, never dial this number on your phone. Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll be sorry!

I received a telephone call last evening from an individual identifying himself as an AT&T Service technician who was conducting a test on telephone lines. He stated that to complete the test I should touch nine (9), zero (0), the pound sign (#), and then hang up.

Luckily, I was suspicious and refused.

Upon contacting the telephone company, I was informed that by pushing 90#, you give the requesting individual full access to your telephone line, which enables them to place long distance calls billed to your home phone number.

I was further informed that this scam has been originating from many local jails/ prisons. I have also verified this information with UCB Telecom, Pacific Bell, MCI, Bell Atlantic and GTE. Please beware.

DO NOT press 90# for ANYONE.

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From: Me To: You Subject: CELLPHONE “DO NOT CALL” LIST

This is the original Urban Legend email that circulated about the National Do Not Call Registry. See the email on the next page for an explanation.

All cell phone numbers have been released to telemarketing companies and you will start to receive sale calls. YOU WILL BE CHARGED FOR THESE CALLS. To prevent this, call the following number from your cell phone: 888-382-1222.

It is the National DO NOT CALL list. It will only take a minute of your time. It blocks your number for five (5) years. You must call from the cell phone number you want to have blocked. You cannot call from a different phone number.

HELP OTHERS BY PASSING THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS. It takes about 20 seconds. Or do it via email, which actually is better since you can list home and cell numbers at the same time... https://www.donotcall.gov/Register/Reg.aspx

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From: Me To: You Subject: The Truth about Cell Phones and the Do Not Call Registry

Even though this is an Urban Legend, I did register my phone number – just in case.

Despite Re-Circulating Email, It is Still Not Necessary to Register Cell Phone Numbers As the number of phone numbers on the National Do Not Call (DNC) Registry surpassed 139 million, the Federal Trade Commission today reiterated that despite the claims made in emails circulating on the Internet, consumers should not be concerned that their cell phone numbers will be released to telemarketers at any time in the near future. In addition, according to the agency, it is not necessary to register cell phone numbers on the DNC Registry to be protected from most telemarketing calls to cell phones.

The truth about cell phones and the DNC Registry is: • Contrary to the email, cell phone numbers are NOT being released to telemarketers, and you will NOT soon be getting telemarketing calls on your cell phone.

• There is NO deadline that you must register your cell phone number on the Registry.

• Federal Communications Commission (FCC) regulations prohibit telemarketers from using automated dialers to call cell phone numbers. Automated dialers are standard in the industry, so most telemarketers are barred from calling consumers on their cell phones without their consent.

• The national associations representing telemarketers have stated that their clients do not intend to start calling consumers’ cell phones.

• There is only ONE DNC Registry. There is no separate registry for cell phones.

• The DNC Registry accepts registrations from both cell phones and land lines. You must call from the phone number that you want to register. If you register online, you must respond to a confirmation email.

• While the telecommunications industry has been discussing the possibility of creating a wireless 411 directory, according to the FCC, even if a wireless 411 directory is established, most telemarketing calls to cell phones would still be illegal, regardless of whether the number is listed on the federal government’s National Do Not Call Registry.

For More Information To learn more about the National DNC Registry and the rules that enforce it, visit the FTC at www.ftc.gov or the FCC at www.fcc.gov. For more information about a planned “wireless 411” directory, visit http://www.qsent.com/wireless411.

The FTC works for the consumer to prevent fraudulent, deceptive, and unfair business practices in the marketplace and to provide information to help consumers spot, stop, and avoid them. To file a complaint in English or Spanish (bilingual counselors are available to take complaints), or to get free information on any of 150 consumer topics, call toll-free, 1-877-FTC-HELP (1-877-382-4357), or use the complaint form at http://www.ftc.gov. The FTC enters Internet, telemarketing, identity theft, and other fraud-related complaints into Consumer Sentinel, a secure, online database available to hundreds of civil and criminal law enforcement agencies in the U.S. and abroad.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Email Petitions

Next time you are asked to add your name, remember this.

For your information and protection from Spammers: Email petitions are NOT acceptable to Congress or any other municipality. To be acceptable petitions must have a signed signature and full address. Almost all emails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards.

All it was, and all this type of email is, is to get names and “cookie” tracking info for telemarketers and spammers to validate active email accounts for their own purposes. Any time you see an email that says forward this on to “10” of your friends, sign this petition, or you’ll get good luck, or whatever, either it has an email tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and emails of those folks you forward to, or the host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of “active” email to use in spam email, or sell to others that do.

Check it out: http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/petition/internet.htm

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From: Me To: You Subject: How to Survive a Heart Attack—URBAN LEGEND (www.snopes.com)

This is one of the most dangerous emails I have ever received. DO NOT TRY THIS if you are experiencing chest pain. I walked around for months thinking that if this ever happened to me or a loved one, I could do this. Doctors are still experimenting with this technique. The best procedure to follow if you believe you are having a heart attack is to chew 325 mg. of aspirin at the onset of chest pain and call 911 immediately!

HEART ATTACK LIFE SAVER Let’s say you’re driving home alone. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to radiate out into your arm and up into your jaw.

You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don’t know if you’ll be able to make it that far. You have been trained in CPR but you don’t know how to perform it on yourself.

“HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE”: Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help, the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously.

A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest.

A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let-up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again. Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating.

The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.

Again, if you receive this email, make sure you respond to the sender informing him/ her that this is FALSE and to notify others on their email list.

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From: Me To: You Subject: HOTEL KEYCARD

I don’t believe this person deliberately wrote this to scare people, but who knows?

This is yet another Urban Legend according to Snopes.com that has people becoming paranoid. This is NOT true! Please tell your friends.

Ever wonder what is on your magnetic key card?

Answer: a. Customer’s name b. Customer’s partial home address c. Hotel room number d. Check-in date and out dates e. Customer’s credit card number and expiration date!

When you turn them in to the front desk your personal information is there for any employee to access by simply scanning the card in the hotel scanner. An employee can take a hand full of cards home and using a scanning device, access the information onto a laptop computer and go shopping at your expense. Simply put, hotels do not erase the information on these cards until an employee reissues the card to the next hotel guest. At that time, the new guest’s information is electronically “overwritten” on the card and the previous guest’s information is erased in the overwriting process. But until the card is rewritten for the next guest, it usually is kept in a drawer at the front desk with YOUR INFORMATION ON IT! The bottom line is: Keep the cards, take them home with you, or destroy them. NEVER leave them behind in the room or room wastebasket, and NEVER turn them into the front desk when you check out of a room. They will not charge you for the card (it’s illegal) and you’ll be sure you are not leaving a lot of valuable personal information on it that could be easily lifted off with any simple scanning device card reader.

For the same reason, if you arrive at the airport and discover you still have the card key in your pocket, do not toss it in an airport trash basket. Take it home and destroy it by cutting it up, especially through the electronic information strip! **I personally have a small magnet and pass it across the magnetic strip several times. Then try it in the door, it will not work. It erases everything on the card.

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From: Me To: You Subject: How to stop spam

Here are 10 things you can do to reduce the amount of spam you get.

1. Keep your PC’s anti-virus software up-to-date and install a firewall. Unprotected high-speed Internet connections are vulnerable to infection by viruses that are programmed to open gateways, also known as proxies, to relay spam. By not keeping your PC secure, you may unwittingly be a courier for spam.

2. Give your primary email address to friends and family only. Give a different email to others on the Internet. Although this second address will likely receive unwanted emails, it is more disposable and can allow you to better control the emails you receive.

3. Do not post your primary email address in newsgroups, bulletin boards or chat rooms. Spammers use software, often referred to as spiders or bots, to search for and harvest email addresses on public forums. To prevent this, use a secondary email address or alter the primary address so that it is not deliverable in that format. For example, if your email address is account@web.net, you could post it as account@ NO.SPAM.web.net or “account at web dot net.”

4. Do not post your primary email address on a Web site. Spiders also scan Web sites for email addresses. You can alter your email address to help protect it but remember that email harvesting software can read HTML code, so be sure to remove the “mailto:” tag.

5. Do not reply to unsolicited emails. If the email does not appear to be from a trustworthy or legitimate source, delete it without replying. A federal anti-spam law called The Can Spam Act, went into effect January 1, 2004, requiring a functioning “opt out” link or a legitimate “reply to unsubscribe” email address. Some unscrupulous spammers have ignored this law and continue to trick recipients into unwittingly responding to a fake “opt out” link, which actually verifies their email address as a valid one. Therefore, it is still strongly recommended that recipients of unsolicited email carefully consider whether an “opt out” or “reply to unsubscribe” seems legitimate and act accordingly.

6. Consider using an alternate email address when signing up for services, filling out forms or taking surveys on the Internet. Read the privacy policy of these sites.

Keep in mind, if the service is “free” they often need to generate revenue in some manner and advertising is often used to do this.

7. When signing up for a mailing list, read the terms and policies. Signing up should result in wanted or solicited email, but the list provider should disclose whether signing up will result in the sale or trade of your email address to other parties.

8. Let friends and family know you don’t want them share your email address.

9. Make sure your email address is difficult to guess. Don’t use common names or words.

It is not uncommon for spammers to use software programs to generate random user names based on common names and words in the dictionary. In addition, common email addresses may have been used previously and my still be on old mailing lists.

10. Check “sent mail” folders for suspicious messages. Take responsibility for your PC by checking your “sent mail” folder regularly to ensure that all sent mail is really being sent by you and not by a spammer using an open gateway (proxy) on your computer.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Identity Theft

Check this out! Important! Make sure you look at your credit card when it is returned to you after a purchase.

A man at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his credit card. The bill for the meal came, he signed it, and the waitress folded the receipt and passed the credit card along. Usually, he would just take it and place it in his wallet or pocket. Funny enough, though, he actually took a look at the card and, lo and behold, it was the expired card of another person. He called the waitress and she looked perplexed.

She took it back, apologized, and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of the man. All the waitress did while walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier, and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took out the real card. No exchange of words —- nothing! She took it and came back to the man with an apology.

Verdict: Make sure the credit cards in your wallet are yours. Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and/or the card is taken away for even a short period of time. Many people just take back the credit card without even looking at it, “assuming” that it has to be theirs. FOR YOUR OWN SAKE, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH TIME IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!

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From: Me To: You Subject: CREDIT CARD SCAM

Here’s another one that you should be aware of.

Yesterday I went into a pizza restaurant to pick up an order that I had called in.

I paid by using my Visa Check Card which, of course, is linked directly to my checking account. The young man behind the counter took my card, swiped it, then laid it on the counter as he waited for the approval, which is pretty standard procedure. While he waited, he picked up his cell phone and started dialing. I noticed the phone because it is the same model I have, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Then I heard a click that sounded like my phone sounds when I take a picture. He then gave me back my card but kept the phone in his hand as if he was still pressing buttons. Meanwhile, I’m thinking: I wonder what he is taking a picture of, oblivious to what was really going on. It then dawned on me: the only thing there was my credit card, so now I’m paying close attention to what he is doing. He set his phone on the counter, leaving it open.

About five seconds later, I heard the chime that tells you that the picture has been saved.

Now I’m standing there struggling with the fact that this boy just took a picture of my credit card. Yes, he played it off well, because had we not had the same kind of phone, I probably would never have known what happened. Needless to say, I immediately canceled that card as I was walking out of the pizza parlor.

All I am saying is, be aware of your surroundings at all times. Whenever you are using your credit cards, take caution and don’t be careless. Notice who is standing near you and what they are doing when you use your card. Be aware of phones because many have a camera phone these days.

When you are in a restaurant and the waiter/waitress brings your card and receipt for you to sign, make sure you scratch the number off. Some restaurants are using only the last four digits, but a lot of them are still putting the whole thing on there. I have already been a victim of credit card fraud and, believe me, it is not fun. The truth is that they can get you even when you are careful, but don’t make it easy for them.

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From: Me To: You Subject: New Credit Card Scheme

As crooks become bolder, you should be aware of this new credit card scheme that is out there.

A friend went to the local gym and placed his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, he came out, saw the locker open, and thought to himself, “Funny, I thought I locked the locker. Hmmmmm.” He dressed and just flipped the wallet to make sure all was in order.

Everything looked okay—all cards were in place.

A few weeks later his credit card bill came—a whooping bill of $14,000! He called the credit card company and started yelling at them, saying that he did not make the transactions.

Customer care personnel verified that there was no mistake in the system and asked if his card had been stolen. “No,” he said, but then took out his wallet, pulled out the credit card, and yep - you guessed it—a switch had been made.

An expired similar credit card from the same bank was in the wallet. The thief broke into his locker at the gym and switched cards.

Verdict: The credit card issuer said since he did not report the card missing earlier, he would have to pay the amount owed to them. How much did he have to pay for items he did not buy? $9,000! Why were there no calls made to verify the amount swiped? Small amounts rarely trigger a “warning bell” with some credit card companies. It just so happens that all the small amounts added up to a big one!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Tax Refunds

DO NOT OPEN this email if you receive it. Delete immediately and call the IRS. IRS Warns of email Scam about Tax Refunds WASHINGTON—The Internal Revenue Service today issued a consumer alert about an Internet scam in which consumers receive an email informing them of a tax refund. The email, which claims to be from the IRS, directs the consumer to a link that requests personal information, such as Social Security number and credit card information.

This scheme is an attempt to trick the email recipients into disclosing their personal and financial data. The practice is called “phishing” for information.

The information fraudulently obtained is then used to steal the taxpayer’s identity and financial assets. Generally, identity thieves use someone’s personal data to steal his or her financial accounts, run up charges on the victim’s existing credit cards, apply for new loans, credit cards, services or benefits in the victim’s name and even file fraudulent tax returns.

The bogus email, which claims to come from “tax-refunds@irs.gov” tells the recipient that he or she is eligible to receive a tax refund for a given amount. It then says that, to access a form for the tax refund, the recipient must use a link contained in the email. The link then asks for the personal and financial information.

The IRS does not ask for personal identifying or financial information via unsolicited email.

Additionally, taxpayers do not have to complete a special form to obtain a refund.

If you receive an unsolicited email purporting to be from the IRS, take the following steps: • Do not open any attachments to the email, in case they contain malicious code that will infect your computer.

• Contact the IRS at 1-800-829-1040 to determine whether the IRS is trying to contact you about a tax refund.

The IRS has seen numerous attempts over the years to defraud the public and the federal government through a variety of schemes, including abusive tax avoidance transactions, identity theft, claims for slavery reparations, frivolous arguments and more. More information on these schemes may be found on the criminal enforcement page at IRS.gov.

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From: Me To: You Subject: WORTH TRYING TO MAKE THESE COOKIES!

The following email is a very old Urban Legend. (Check it out at www.snopes.com.)

Neiman Marcus happily gives out their recipes for free, so they have really gotten a bum rap. Similar stories have circulated about Mrs. Fields cookies.

My daughter and I had just eaten at a Neiman-Marcus Cafe, and decided to have a small dessert. We love cookies, so we decided to try the “Neiman-Marcus cookie.” It was so good that I asked if I could have the recipe, and the waitress said with a small frown, “I’m afraid not, but you can buy the recipe.” I asked how much, and she responded; “Only two fifty—it’s a great deal!” I agreed and told her to add it to my tab.

Thirty days later, I got my statement, and the Neiman-Marcus charge was $285.00! I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for lunch and $20.00 for a scarf. I glanced at the bottom of the statement, and it said, “Cookie Recipe-$250.00”. That was outrageous!

I called Neiman’s Accounting Department and told them the waitress said it was “two fifty”, which clearly does not mean “two hundred and fifty dollars” by any reasonable interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money because, according to them, “What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund your money at this point.” I explained to the Accounting Department lady the criminal statutes which govern fraud in this state. I threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau and the Attorney General’s office for engaging in fraud.

I was basically told, “Do what you want. Don’t bother thinking of how you can get even, and don’t bother trying to get any of your money back.” I just said, “Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I’m going to have $250 worth of fun.” I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an email account has a $250 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus ... for free. So… here it is (Recipe may be halved).

2 cups butter 24 oz. chocolate chips 4 cups flour 2 cups brown sugar 2 tsp. soda 1 tsp. salt 2 cups sugar 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 5 cups blended oatmeal 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 2 tsp. vanilla 3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

Measure oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla, mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar, and nuts. Roll into balls, and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.

Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.

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From: Me To: You Subject: JURY DUTY SCAM

If you get a call like this, HANG UP. Never give out your personal information to anyone. Don’t be intimidated.

Jury Duty Scam Most of us take those summons for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of scam has surfaced. Fall for it and your identity could be stolen, reports CBS. In this con, someone calls pretending to be a court official who threateningly says a warrant has been issued for your arrest because you didn’t show up for jury duty. The caller claims to be a jury coordinator.

If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Sometimes they even ask for credit card numbers. Give out any of this information and bingo! Your identity just got stolen.

The scam has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma, Illinois, and Colorado.

This scam is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they’re with the court system.

The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.

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From: Me To: You Subject: IT MIGHT BE DANGEROUS TO KNOW THE CLINTONS

After some research, I have determined that this is an Urban Legend, but if I hadn’t done the research, I would have found this very disturbing. One of the dangers of the Internet. Make sure you check your sources before passing things on!

Do you think it is dangerous to even know the Clintons? Read on…make your own decision.

1. James McDougal - Clinton’s convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken Starr’s investigation.

2. Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.

3. Vince Foster - Former White House councilor, and colleague of Hillary Clinton at Little Rock’s Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the head, ruled a suicide.

4. Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown’s skull resembling a gunshot wound. At the time of his death Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut a deal with prosecutors. The rest of the people on the plane also died. A few days later the air traffic controller committed suicide.

5. C. Victor Raiser II - Raiser, a major player in the Clinton fund raising organization, died in a private plane crash in July 1992 6. Paul Tulley - Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead in a hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992. Described by Clinton as a “Dear friend and trusted adviser”.

7. Ed Willey - Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods in VA of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide. Ed Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.

8. Jerry Parks - Head of Clinton’s gubernatorial security team in Little Rock. Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock. Park’s son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly threatened to reveal this information.

After he died the files were mysteriously removed from his house.

9. James Bunch - Died from a gunshot suicide. It is said that he had a “Black Book” of people which contained names of influential people who visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.

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(continued from previous page) 10. James Wilson - Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide.

He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.

11. Kathy Ferguson - Ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson, was found dead in May 1994, in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were going somewhere.

Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating witness for Paula Jones.

12. Bill Shelton - Arkansas State Trooper and fiancée of Kathy Ferguson. Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancée, he was found dead in June, 1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the grave site of his fianceé.

13. Gandy Baugh - Attorney for Clinton’s friend Dan Lassater, died by jumping out a window in January, 1994. His client was a convicted drug distributor.

14. Florence Martin - Accountant & sub-contractor for the CIA, was related to the Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. Died of three gunshot wounds.

15. Suzanne Coleman - Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the head, ruled a suicide.

Was pregnant at the time of her death.

16. Paula Grober - Clinton’s speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until her death December 9, 1992, when she died in a one car accident.

17. Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter. Investigating Mena Airport and Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists, apparently, in the middle of his investigation.

18. Paul Wilcher - Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with Casolaro and the 1980 “October Surprise” was found dead on a toilet June 22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet Reno 3 weeks before his death.

19. Jon Parnell Walker - Whitewater investigator for Resolution Trust Corp. Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony August 15, 1993. He was investigating the Morgan Guaranty scandal.

20. Barbara Wise - Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29, 1996. Her bruised, nude body was found locked in her office at the Department of Commerce.

21. Charles Meissner - Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane crash.

22. Dr. Stanley Heard - Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care Advisory Committee died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton’s advisory council personally treated Clinton’s mother, stepfather and brother. (continued on next page) The World’s Greatest Email

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(continued from previous page) 23. Barry Seal - Drug running pilot out of Mena, Arkansas, death was no accident.

24. Johnny Lawhorn Jr. - Mechanic, found a check made out to Bill Clinton in the trunk of a car left at his repair shop. Found dead after his car had hit a utility pole.

25. Stanley Huggins - Investigated Madison Guaranty. Death was a purported suicide. His report was never released.

26. Hershel Friday - Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died March 1, 1994 when his plane exploded.

27. Kevin Ives & Don Henry - Known as “The boys on the track” case. Reports say the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena, Arkansas airport drug operation. A controversial case, the initial report of death said, due to falling asleep on railroad tracks. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before being placed on the tracks.

Many linked to the case died before their testimony could come before a Grand Jury.

THE FOLLOWING PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES/HENRY CASE: 28. Keith Coney - Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck, 7/88.

29. Keith McMaskle - Died stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988 30. Gregory Collins - Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.

31. Jeff Rhodes - Shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in April 1989.

32. James Milan - Found decapitated. However, the Coroner ruled his death was due to “natural causes.”

33. Jordan Kettleson - Found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup truck in June 1990.

34. Richard Winters - Suspect in the Ives/Henry deaths. Killed in a set-up robbery July 1989.

THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE DEAD: 35. Major William S. Barkley Jr. 36. Captain Scott J . Reynolds 37. Sgt. Brian Hanley 38. Sgt. Tim Sabel 39. Major General William Robertson 40. Col. William Densberger 41. Col. Robert Kelly 42. Spec. Gary Rhodes 43. Steve Willis 44. Robert Williams 45. Conway LeBleu 46. Todd McKeehan

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From: Me To: You Subject: One of the original Urban Legends

Everyone I know fell for this when it first circulated.

SORRY EVERYBODY.. JUST HAD TO TAKE THE CHANCE!!!

I’m an attorney, and I know the law. This thing is for real. Rest assured AOL and Intel will follow through with their promises for fear of facing a multimillion-dollar class action suit similar to the one filed by PepsiCo against General Electric not too long ago.

Dear Friends; Please do not take this for a junk letter.

Bill Gates is sharing his fortune. If you ignore this, you will repent later.

Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies and in an effort to make sure that Internet Explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an email beta test.

When you forward this email to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (if you are a Microsoft Windows user) for a two week time period.

For every person that you forward this email to, Microsoft will pay you $245.00. For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $243.00 and for every third person that receives it, you will be paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a check.

Thought this was a scam myself, but two weeks after receiving this email and forwarding it on, Microsoft contacted me for my address and within days, I received a check for $24,800.00.

You need to respond before the beta testing is over. If anyone can afford this, Bill Gates is the man. It’s all marketing expense to him. Please forward this to as many people as possible. You are bound to get at least $10,000.00. We’re not going to help them out with their email beta test without getting a little something for our time.

My brother’s girlfriend got in on this a few months ago. She showed me her check.

It was for the sum of $4,324.44 and was stamped “Paid in full.” Like I said before, I know the law, and this is for real.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Red Earth Lipstick

Here is another Urban Legend that has scared many people and probably caused financial damage to the companies listed. Once something like this is circulated, it is hard to regain credibility.

Recently a lipstick brand called “Red Earth” decreased their prices from $67.00 to $9.90. They contained lead. Lead is a chemical which causes cancer.

The lipstick Brands that contain lead are: 1. CHRISTIAN DIOR 2. LANCOME 3. CLINIQUE 4. Y.S.L 5. ESTEE LAUDER 6. SHISEIDO 7. RED EARTH (Lip Gloss) 8. CHANEL (Lip Conditioner) 9. MARKET AMERICA-MOTNES LIPSTICK. The higher the lead content, the greater the chance of causing cancer. After doing a test on lipsticks, it was found that the Y.S.L. lipstick contained the highest of lead.

Watch out for those lipsticks which are supposed to stay longer. If your lipstick stays longer, it is because of the higher content of lead.

Here is the test you can do yourself: 1. Put some lipstick on your hand.

2. Use a Gold ring to scratch on the lipstick.

3. If the lipstick color changes to black, then the lipstick contains lead.

Remember: Dioxin Carcinogens cause cancer, especially breast cancer.

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From: Me To: You Subject: VIN Numbers

Here is something I never would have thought of. What will they think of next?

Seems that car thieves have found yet another way to steal your car or truck without any effort at all.

The car thieves peer through the windshield of your car or truck, write down the VIN # from the label on the dash, go to the local car dealership and request a duplicate key based on the VIN #.

I didn’t believe this email, so I called a friend at Chrysler Dodge and pretended I had lost my keys. They told me to just bring in the VIN #, and they would cut me one on the spot, and I could order the keyless device if I wanted.

The Car Dealer’s Parts Department will make a duplicate key from the VIN #, and collect payment from the thief who will return to your car. He doesn’t have to break in, do any damage to the vehicle, or draw attention to himself. All he has to do is walk up to your car, insert the key and off he goes to a local Chop Shop with your vehicle.

To avoid this from happening to you, simply put some tape (electrical tape, duct tape or medical tape, anything that covers the number) across the VIN Metal Label located on the dash board. By law, you cannot remove the VIN, but you can cover it so it can’t be viewed through the windshield by a car thief.

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From: Me To: You Subject: PIN NUMBER REVERSAL

After looking this up on Snopes.com, it seems that this is an Urban Legend. God help you if you are standing at the ATM thinking that this is going to work!

If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your Pin # in reverse.

For example if your pin number is 1234 then you would put in 4321. The ATM recognizes that your pin number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine.

The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to help you.

Please pass this along to everyone possible.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Staying Healthy

Everything you need to know to help you live to a “ripe” old age. apples

Protects your Prevents Blocks diarrhea heart constipation Combats cancer Controls blood Saves your eyesight pressure Aids digestion Lowers cholesterol Protects your heart

Improves lung capacity apricots Shields against Alzheimer’s artichokes Stabilizes blood sugar avocados Battles diabetes Lowers cholesterol Helps stops strokes Controls blood pressure bananas Protects your Quiets a cough Strengthens bones Controls blood heart pressure beans Prevents Helps hemorrhoids Lowers cholesterol Combats cancer constipation beets Controls blood Combats cancer Strengthens bones Protects your heart pressure blueberries Combats cancer Protects your heart Stabilizes blood Boosts memory sugar broccoli Saves eyesight Combats cancer Protects your heart Controls blood pressure cabbage Combats cancer Prevents Promotes weight Protects your heart constipation loss cantaloupe Saves eyesight Controls blood Lowers cholesterol Combats cancer pressure carrots Saves eyesight Protects your heart Prevents constipation Combats cancer cauliflower Protects against Combats breast Strengthens bones Banishes bruises prostate cancer cancer cherries Protects your Combats cancer Ends insomnia Slows aging process heart chestnuts Promotes Protects your heart Lowers cholesterol Combats cancer weight loss chili peppers Aids digestion Soothes sore Clears sinuses Combats cancer throat figs Promotes Helps stops Lowers cholesterol Combats cancer weight loss strokes fish Protects your Boosts memory Protects your heart Combats cancer heart flax Aids digestion Battles diabetes Protects your heart Improves mental health garlic Lowers Controls blood Combats cancer Kills bacteria cholesterol pressure grapefruit Protects against Promotes weight Helps stops strokes Combats prostate heart attacks loss cancer grapes Saves eyesight Conquers kidney Combats cancer Enhances blood flow stones green tea Combats cancer Protects your heart Helps stops strokes Promotes weight loss

Cushions joints Slows aging process Guards against liver disease Smoothes skin Blocks diarrhea Stabilizes blood sugar Aids weight loss Prevents constipation Strengthens bones Helps hemorrhoids Supports immune system Promotes weight loss Guards against heart disease Shields against Alzheimer’s Controls blood pressure Boosts immune system Controls blood pressure Supports immune system Boosts immune system Fights fungus Lowers cholesterol Protects your heart Kills bacteria

(continued on next page) 198

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(continued from previous page)

honey

Heals wounds

Aids digestion

Guards against ulcers lemons/limes Combats cancer Protects your heart Controls blood pressure mangoes Combats cancer Boosts memory Regulates thyroid

Increases energy

Fights allergies

Smoothes skin

Stops scurvy

Aids digestion

mushrooms Controls blood pressure oats Lowers cholesterol olive oil Protects your heart onions Reduces risk of heart attack oranges Supports immune system peaches Prevents constipation peanuts Protects against heart disease pineapple Strengthens bones prunes Slows aging process rice Protects your heart strawberries Combats cancer sweet Saves your potatoes eyesight tomatoes Protects prostate walnuts Lowers cholesterol water Promotes weight loss watermelon Protects prostate wheat germ Combats colon cancer wheat bran Combats colon cancer yogurt Guards against ulcers

Lowers cholesterol Kills bacteria

Combats cancer

Shields against Alzheimerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Strengthens bones

Combats cancer

Battles diabetes

Prevents constipation Smoothes skin

Promotes weight loss Combats cancer

Combats cancer

Battles diabetes

Smoothes skin

Kills bacteria

Lowers cholesterol

Fights fungus

Combats cancer

Protects your heart

Combats cancer

Straightens respiration Helps stops strokes Aids digestion

Helps hemorrhoids

Promotes weight loss Relieves colds

Combats prostate cancer Aids digestion

Lowers cholesterol

Aggravates diverticulitis Blocks diarrhea

Prevents constipation Battles diabetes

Boosts memory

Lowers cholesterol

Dissolves warts

Conquers kidney stones Protects your heart Boosts memory Lifts mood Combats cancer

Combats cancer

Combats cancer

Lowers cholesterol

Protects your heart

Combats cancer

Boosts memory

Lifts mood

Combats cancer

Conquers kidney stones Lowers cholesterol

Smoothes skin

Promotes weight loss Prevents Lowers cholesterol constipation Prevents Lowers cholesterol constipation Strengthens bones Lowers cholesterol

Protects against heart disease Helps stops strokes

Calms stress Strengthens bones

Protects against heart disease

Helps stops strokes Controls blood pressure Helps stops strokes Improves digestion Helps stop strokes

Improves digestion

Supports immune system

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From: Me To: You Subject: Abduction Precautions for Women

Memorize, memorize, memorize!!!!!

Although primarily for women, everyone should know these life-saving tactics.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, DO SO! 2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you … chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! 3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. 5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: A) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, in the back seat and underneath the car.

B) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door.

Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C) Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN! 8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP. It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. If your “gut” feeling tells you something doesn’t feel right, trust it—better to be embarrassed or paranoid than dead.

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From: Me To: You Subject: ANIMAL RESCUE

This is real according to Snopes.com. If you are an animal lover, please take a moment to help feed an animal.

Hi, all you animal lovers. This is pretty simple…. Please tell ten friends to tell ten today!

The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals.

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on “feed an animal in need” for free. It’s in a purple box in the middle of the page.

There is no cost to you! Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising. http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com

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From: Me To: You Subject: Bananas

I guess we really are descended from apes.

A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression “going bananas” is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on:

After reading this, you’ll never look at a banana in the same way again. Bananas contain three natural sugars—sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world’s leading athletes. But energy isn’t the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills—eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school (England) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness. (continued on next page) 202

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(continued from previous page) Mosquito Bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature Control: Many other cultures see bananas as a “cooling” fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking.

The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body’s water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out.

Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around. So maybe it’s time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, “A banana a day keeps the doctor away!”

PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on your shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe … polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit!!!

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From: Me To: You Subject: The real cost of drugs

Did you ever wonder how much it costs a drug company for the active ingredients in prescription medications? Below are the actual prices of active ingredients used in some of the most popular drugs sold in America.

The data below speaks for itself.

Celebrex: 100 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $130.27 Cost of general active ingredients: $ 0.60 Percent markup: 21,712% Claritin: 10 mg Consumer Price (100 tablets): $215.17 Cost of general active ingredients: $0.71 Percent markup: 30,306% Keflex: 250 mg Consumer Price (100 tablets): $157.39 Cost of general active ingredients: $1.88 Percent markup: 8,372% Lipitor: 20 mg Consumer Price (100 tablets): $272.37 Cost of general active ingredients: $5.80 Percent markup: 4,696% Norvasc: 10 mg Cost of general active ingredients: $0.14 Percent markup: 134,493% Paxil: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $220.27 Cost of general active ingredients: $7.60 Percent markup: 2,898% Prevacid: 30 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $44.77 Cost of general active ingredients: $1.01 Percent markup: 34,136% Prilosec: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $360.97 Cost of general active ingredients $0.52 Percent markup: 69,417% (continued on next page) 204

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(continued from previous page) Prozac: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets) : $247.47 Cost of general active ingredients: $0.11 Percent markup: 224,973% Tenormin: 50 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $104.47 Cost of general active ingredients: $0.13 Percent markup: 80,362% Vasotec: 10 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $102.37 Cost of general active ingredients: $0.20 Percent markup: 51,185% Xanax: 1 mg Consumer price (100 tablets) : $136.79 Cost of general active ingredients: $0.024 Percent markup: 569,958% Zestril: 20 mg Consumer price (100 tablets) $89.89 Cost of general active ingredients $3.20 Percent markup: 2,809% Zithromax: 600 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $1,482.19 Cost of general active ingredients: $18.78 Percent markup: 7,892% Zocor: /B 40 mg Consumer price (100 tablets): $350.27 Cost of general active ingredients: $8.63 Percent markup: 4,059% Zoloft: 50 mg Consumer price: $206.87 Cost of general active ingredients: $1.75 Percent markup: 11,821% Some of these generic drugs are marked up as much as 3,000% or more. Often we blame the drug companies for the high cost of drugs, but in many cases, the fault clearly lies with the pharmacies themselves. For example, if you had to buy a prescription drug and bought the name brand, you might pay $100 for 100 pills. (continued on next page) The Worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Greatest Email

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(continued from previous page) The pharmacist might tell you that if you get the generic equivalent, they would only cost $80, making you think you are “saving” $20. What the pharmacist is not telling you is that those 100 generic pills may have only cost him $10!

Apparently Costco is the only pharmacy that does not adhere to this practice.

Costco consistently charges little over their cost for the generic drugs. Go to Costco’s website, where you can look up any drug and get its online price. It says that the in-store prices are consistent with the online prices. For example, Compazine, which helps prevent nausea in chemo patients. The generic equivalent, which cost $54.99 for 60 pills at CVS, would cost $19.89 for 100 pills at Costco.

Although Costco is a “membership” store, you do NOT have to be a member to buy prescriptions there, as they are federally regulated substances. You just tell them at the door that you wish to use the pharmacy, and you will be allowed admittance.

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From: Me To: You Subject: CANCER NEWS

According to Snopes.com this is not true. Obviously, heating or freezing plastic can change their molecular structures, but it has not been proven that they become carcinogenic. On another note, research is being done regarding tin foil’s interaction with food as a possible ingredient in the cause of Alzheimer’s. I say, better safe than sorry. *** No plastics in microwaves. *** No plastic water bottles in freezer. *** No plastic wrap in microwaves.

Dioxin Carcinogens cause cancer, especially breast cancer. Don’t freeze your plastic water bottles with water as this also releases dioxins in the plastic. This applies to foods that contain fat. The combination of fat, high heat and plastics release dioxins into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body. Dioxins are carcinogens and highly toxic to the cells of our bodies.

Instead, use glass, Corning Ware, or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, without the dioxins. So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the container and heated in something else.

Also, Saran wrap placed over foods as they are nuked, with the high heat, actually drips poisonous toxins into the food; use paper towels instead.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Cruise Control in the Rain

These circumstances are real and dangerous!

KEEP THIS INFORMATION UPPERMOST IN YOUR MIND WHEN DRIVING IN THE RAIN OR ICE. A young woman was driving her car in the rain at an average speed when the car suddenly began to hydroplane and literally fly through the air. She was not seriously injured but she was understandably, very shook up.

When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened, he told her something that every driver should know—NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON. She had thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.

The highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on and your car begins to hydroplane—when your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed and you take off like an airplane. She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.

The highway patrol estimated her car was actually traveling through the air at 10 to 15 miles per hour faster than the speed set on the cruise control. The patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the driver’s seat sun-visor—NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control drive at a safe speed—but we don’t tell them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Drinking cold water

Does EVERYTHING possibly lead to cancer?

This makes sense… the Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals… not cold water… maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating!!! Nothing to lose, everything to gain…

For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this “sludge” reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this can turn into fats and possibly lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Safety protection—Google Phone Number/Mapping

The following was sent to me by a friend and I think it is definitely worth your time to read. I tried it, and it brought up my information. Now I have it blocked. Important read if you are serious about maintaining your privacy online.

Google has implemented a new feature that enables you to type a telephone number into the search bar and hit “enter” and you will be given the person’s name and address. If you then hit Map Quest, you will get a map to the person’s house.

Everyone should be aware of this! It’s a nationwide reverse telephone book.

If a child gives out his/her phone number, someone can now look it up to find out where he/she lives. The safety issues are obvious, and alarming.

Note that you can have your phone number removed or blocked. I tried my number and it came up along with Map Quest and directions straight to our house. I did fill out the removal form for myself, and I encourage all of you to do the same.

In order to test whether your phone number is mapped, go to: Google http://google.com/ Type your phone number in the search bar ( i.e.555-5551212) and hit enter. If you want to B L O C K Google from divulging your private information, simply click on your telephone number and then click on the Removal Form. Removal takes 48-hours.

Check your own number. Although this may not apply to you if you have an unlisted number or cell phone as primary contact, you may know someone who needs to know this.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Home Alone

This is a very clever way to attract a person’s attention. Don’t fall for it!

DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR IF YOU HEAR A BABY CRYING! Several women have claimed to have heard a baby crying outside their homes when they were alone at night. According to police, this may be a ploy used by a serial killer who has recorded a baby’s cry hoping to lure women outside thinking that someone has dropped off a baby. If this happens to you DO NOT open the door, and call the police immediately!

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From: Me To: You Subject: Women and heart attacks

I want to thank the author of this email, whoever she is, for taking the time to share her observations with the world.

Women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have when experiencing a heart attack … you know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest and dropping to the floor that we see in the movies. I had a completely unexpected heart attack at about 10:30 pm with NO prior exertion; NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might’ve brought it on.

I was sitting all snugly and warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking, “A-A-h, this is the life, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up.” A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you’ve been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you’ve swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn’t have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time, drink a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial sensation—the only trouble was that I hadn’t taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 pm. After that had seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight … it was probably my aorta having a spasm), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR). This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws. AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening—we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven’t we?

I said aloud to myself and the cat, “Dear God, I think I’m having a heart attack!” I lowered the foot rest, dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, “If this is a heart attack, I shouldn’t be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else … but, on the other hand, if I don’t, nobody will know that I need help, and if I wait any longer I may not be able to get up in a moment.” I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics. I told her I thought I was having a heart attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws. I didn’t feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts. She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to unbolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in. I then laid down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness, as I don’t remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude ER on the way. But I did briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the Cardiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending over me asking questions (probably something (continued on next page) 212

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(continued from previous page) like “Have you taken any medications?”), but I couldn’t make my mind interpret what he was saying, or form an answer, and nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed 2 side by side stints to hold open my right coronary artery.

I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the Paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St. Jude are only minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist was all ready to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stints.

Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail? Because I want all of you who are so important in my life to know what I learned first hand.

1. Be aware that something very different is happening in your body...not the usual men’s symptoms, but inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act). It is said that many more women than men die of their first (and last) MI because they didn’t know they were having one, and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Maalox or other “anti-heartburn” preparation, and go to bed, hoping they’ll feel better in the morning when they wake up...which doesn’t happen. My female friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING is unpleasantly happening that you’ve not felt before. It is better to have a “false alarm” visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be!

2. Note that I said “Call the Paramedics”. Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER—you’re a hazard to others on the road, and so is your panicked husband who will be speeding and looking anxiously at what’s happening with you instead of the road.

Do NOT call your doctor—he doesn’t know where you live and if it’s at night, you won’t reach him anyway, and if it’s daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will tell you to call the Paramedics. He doesn’t carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later.

3. Don’t assume it couldn’t be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count. Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it’s unbelievably high, and/or accompanied by high blood pressure.)

MI’s are usually caused by long-term stress and inflammation in the body, which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge things up in there.

Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let’s be careful and be aware. The more we know the better chance we could survive!

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From: Me To: You Subject: How to Survive A Terrorist Attack

For all of you who have ever wondered – if you weren’t paranoid to begin with…

Words of Wisdom about Gas, Germs, and Nukes by: SFC Red Thomas, Armor Master Gunner U.S. Army (Ret) 10.19.01 Since the media have decided to scare everyone with predictions of chemical, biological, or nuclear warfare on our turf I decided to write a paper and keep things in their proper perspective. I am a retired military weapons, munitions, and training expert.

Lesson number one: In the mid 1990s there was a series of nerve gas attacks on crowded Japanese subway stations. Given perfect conditions for an attack, less than 10% of the people there were injured (the injured were better in a few hours) and only one percent of the injured died. CBS-Television’s 60 Minutes once had a fellow telling us that one drop of nerve gas could kill a thousand people. He didn’t tell you the thousand dead people per drop was theoretical. Drill Sergeants exaggerate how terrible this stuff is to keep the recruits awake in class (I know this because I was a Drill Sergeant, too).

Forget everything you’ve ever seen on TV, in the movies, or read in a novel about this stuff, it was all a lie (Read this sentence again out loud!). These weapons are about terror, if you remain calm, you will probably not die.

This is far less scary than the media and their “experts” make it sound. Chemical weapons are categorized as Nerve, Blood, Blister, and Incapacitating agents.

Contrary to the hype of reporters and politicians, they are not weapons of mass destruction. They are means of “Area Denial,” effective to keep an enemy out of a particular zone for a limited period of time: terror weapons that don’t destroy anything. When you leave the area you almost always leave the risk.

That’s the difference; you can leave the area and the risk. Soldiers may have to stay put and sit through it and that’s why they need all that spiffy gear.

These are not gasses; they are vapors and/or airborne particles. Any such agent must be delivered in sufficient quantity to kill or injure, and that defines when and how it’s used.

Every day we have a morning and evening atmospheric inversion where “stuff,” suspended in the air gets pushed down. This inversion is why allergies (pollen) and air pollution are worst at these times of the day.

So, a chemical attack will have its best effect an hour or so either side of sunrise or sunset.

Also, being vapors and airborne particles, the agents are heavier than air, so they will seek low places like ditches, basements and underground garages. This stuff won’t work when it’s freezing, it doesn’t last when it’s hot, and wind spreads it too thin too fast.

Attackers have to get this stuff on you, or, get you to inhale it, for it to work. They also have to get the concentration of chemicals high enough to kill or injure you: too little and it’s nothing, too much and it’s wasted. What I hope you’ve gathered by this point is that a chemical weapons attack that kills a lot of people is incredibly hard to achieve (continued on next page) 214

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(continued from previous page) with military grade agents and equipment. So you can imagine how hard it would be for terrorists. The more you know about this stuff, the more you realize how hard it is to use.

A Case of Nerves We’ll start by talking about nerve agents. You have these in your house: plain old bug killer (like Raid) is nerve agent. All nerve agents work the same way; they are cholinesterase inhibitors that mess up the signals your nervous system uses to make your body function. It can harm you if you get it on your skin but it works best if you to inhale it. If you don’t die in the first minute and you can leave the area, you’re probably going to live.

The military’s antidotes for all nerve agents are atropine and pralidoxime chloride. Neither one of these does anything to cure the nerve agent. They send your body into overdrive to keep you alive for five minutes. After that the agent is used up. Your best protection is fresh air and staying calm. Listed below are the symptoms for nerve agent poisoning.

Sudden headache, Dimness of vision (someone you’re looking at will have pinpointed pupils), Runny nose, Excessive saliva or drooling, Difficulty breathing, Tightness in chest, Nausea, Stomach cramps, Twitching of exposed skin where a liquid just got on you.

If you are in public and you start experiencing these symptoms, first ask yourself, did anything out of the ordinary just happen, a loud pop, did someone spray something on the crowd? Are other people getting sick too? Is there an odor of new mown hay, green corn, something fruity, or camphor where it shouldn’t be?

If the answer is yes, then calmly (if you panic you breathe faster and inhale more air/ poison) leave the area and head upwind, or outside. Fresh air is the best “right now antidote.” If you have a blob of liquid that looks like molasses or Karo syrup on you; blot it or scrape it off and away from yourself with anything disposable.

This stuff works based on your body weight: What a crop duster uses to kill bugs won’t hurt you unless you stand there and breathe it in real deep, then lick the residue off the ground for a while.

Remember, the attackers have to do all the work, they have to get the concentration up and keep it up for several minutes, while all you have to do is quit getting it on you and quit breathing it by putting space between yourself and the attack.

Bad Blood and Blisters Blood agents are cyanide or arsine. They affect your blood’s ability to provide oxygen to your tissues. The scenario for attack would be the same as nerve agent. Look for a pop or someone splashing or spraying something and folks around there getting woozy or falling down. The telltale smells are bitter almonds or garlic where it shouldn’t be. The symptoms are blue lips, blue under the fingernails, rapid breathing.

The military’s antidote is amyl nitride and, just like nerve agent antidote, it just keeps your body working for five minutes till the toxins are used up. Fresh air is your best individual chance.

Blister agents (distilled mustard) are so nasty that nobody wants to even handle (continued on next page) The World’s Greatest Email

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(continued from previous page) them, let alone use them. Blister agents are just as likely to harm the user as the target. They’re almost impossible to handle safely and may have delayed effects of up to 12 hours. The attack scenario is also limited to the things you’d see from other chemicals. If you do get large, painful blisters for no apparent reason, don’t pop them. If you must, don’t let the liquid from the blister get on any other area: the stuff just keeps on spreading. Soap, water, sunshine, and fresh air are this stuff’s enemy.

Bottom line on chemical weapons (and it’s the same if they use industrial chemical spills): They are intended to make you panic, to terrorize you, to herd you like sheep to the wolves. If there is an attack, leave the area and go upwind, or to the sides of the wind stream. You’re more likely to be hurt by a drunk driver on any given day than be hurt by one of these attacks. Your odds get better if you leave the area. Soap, water, time, and fresh air really deal this stuff a knock-out-punch.

Don’t let fear of an isolated attack rule your life. The odds are really on your side.

Up and Atom Nuclear bombs: These are the only weapons of mass destruction on Earth. The effects of a nuclear bomb are heat, blast, EMP, and radiation. If you see a bright flash of light like the sun, where the sun isn’t, fall to the ground! The heat will be over in a second.

Then there will be two blast waves, one out going, and one on its way back. Don’t stand up to see what happened after the first wave. Wait. Everything that’s going to happen will have happened in two full minutes.

Any nuclear weapons used by terrorists will be low yield devices and will not level whole cities. If you live through the heat, blast, and initial burst of radiation, you’ll probably live for a very very long time. Radiation will not create fifty foot tall women, or giant ants and grasshoppers the size of tanks. These will be at the most 1 kiloton bombs; that’s the equivalent of 1,000 tons of TNT. Here’s the real hazard: Flying debris and radiation will kill a lot of exposed (not all!) people within a half mile of the blast. Under perfect conditions this is about a half mile circle of death and destruction, but when it’s done it’s done.

EMP stands for Electro Magnetic Pulse and it will fry every electronic device for a good distance. It’s impossible to say what and how far, but probably not over a couple of miles from ground zero is a good guess. Cars, cell phones, computers, ATMs, you name it, all will be out of order. There are lots of kinds of radiation, but, physically, you only need to worry about three: alpha, beta, and gamma. The others you have lived with for years.

You need to worry about “Ionizing radiation,” little sub atomic particles that go whizzing along at the speed of light. They hit individual cells in your body, kill the nucleus and keep on going. That’s how you get radiation poisoning: You have so many dead cells in your body that the decaying cells poison you. It’s the same as people getting radiation treatments for cancer, only a bigger area gets irradiated.

The good news is you don’t have to just sit there and take it, and there are lots you can do rather than panic. First, your skin will stop alpha particles, a page of a news paper or your clothing will stop beta particles. Then you just have to try and avoid inhaling dust that’s contaminated with atoms that are emitting these things and you’ll (continued on next page) 216

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(continued from previous page) be generally safe from them.

Gamma rays are particles that travel like rays (quantum physics makes my brain hurt) and they create the same damage as alpha and beta particles only they keep going and kill lots of cells as they go all the way through your body. It takes a lot to stop these things, lots of dense material. On the other hand it takes a lot of this to kill you.

Your defense is as always to not panic. Basic hygiene and normal preparation are your friends. All canned or frozen food is safe to eat. The radiation poisoning will not affect plants, so fruits and vegetables are OK if there’s no dust on them (Rinse them off if there is). If you don’t have running water and you need to collect rain water or use water from wherever, just let it sit for thirty minutes and skim off the water gently from the top. The dust with the bad stuff in it will settle and the remaining water can be used for the toilet which will still work if you have a bucket of water to pour in the tank.

The Germs’ Terms Finally there’s biological warfare. There’s not much to cover here. Basic personal hygiene and sanitation will take you further than a million doctors. Wash your hands often, don’t share drinks, food, sloppy kisses, etc., ...with strangers. Keep your garbage can with a tight lid on it, don’t have standing water (like old buckets, ditches, or kiddy pools) lying around to allow mosquitoes breeding room.

This stuff is carried by vectors, i.e. bugs, rodents, and contaminated material. If biological warfare is as easy as the TV makes it sound, why has Saddam Hussein spent twenty years, millions, and millions of dollars trying to get it right? If you’re clean of person and home, eat well and are active, you’re going to live.

Overall preparation for any terrorist attack is the same as you’d take for a big storm. If you want a gas mask, fine, go get one. I know this stuff and I’m not getting one and I told my Mom not to bother with one either (How’s that for confidence?). We have a week’s worth of cash, several days worth of canned goods and plenty of soap and water. We don’t leave stuff out to attract bugs or rodents so we don’t have them.

These terrorist people can’t conceive of a nation this big with as much resources as it has. These weapons are made to cause panic, terror, and to demoralize. If we don’t run around like sheep, they won’t use this stuff after they find out it’s no fun and does them little good. The government is going nuts over this stuff because they have to protect every inch of America. You only have to protect yourself, and by doing that, you help the country.

Finally, there are millions of caveats to everything I wrote here and you can think up specific scenarios in which my advice wouldn’t be the best. This article is supposed to help the greatest number of people under the greatest number of situations. If you don’t like my work, don’t nitpick, just sit down and explain chemical, nuclear, and biological warfare in a document around four pages long yourself. This is how we the people of the United States can rob these people of their most desired goal, your terror.

SFC Red Thomas (Ret) Armor Master Gunner Mesa, AZ

Unlimited reproduction and distribution is authorized. Just give me credit for my work, and, keep in context.

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From: Me To: You Subject: How to recognize a stroke

This is one of the most important emails I have ever received. Remember: SMILE, ARMS, SPEAK. If you see someone stumble or appear disoriented, and you are suspicious that all is not well, it could be a stroke. Ask these questions. If a qualified neurologist can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he has a greater chance to reverse the effects of a stroke … totally. The stroke must be recognized and the patient must be diagnosed and hospitalized within 3 hours.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions: 1. Ask the individual to SMILE. 2. Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS. 3. Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . . It is sunny out today) If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 911 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Your Cell Phone could save your life

I personally checked these out and they work.

Here are some things I bet you didn’t know about your cell phone and what you can do with it:

Emergency The worldwide Emergency Number for cellular phones is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the phone will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked. Try it out. I did, and it works!

Keys locked in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end.

Your car will unlock. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other “remote” for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).

How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone

To check your mobile phone’s serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: *#06#

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset.

Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. If your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.

You probably won’t get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can’t use/sell it either.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Margarine vs. Butter

“Ain’t nothing like the real thing, baby!”

Did you know that margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys? When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter.

DO YOU KNOW … the difference between margarine and butter?

Both have the same amount of calories.

Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.

And now, for Margarine...

Very high in trans fatty acids.

Triple risk of coronary heart disease.

Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol (the good cholesterol).

Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.

Lowers quality of breast milk.

Decreases immune response.

Decreases insulin response.

And here’s the most disturbing fact....

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...

This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this yourself: Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things: • No flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something).

• It does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value.

• Nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow.

Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

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From: Me To: You Subject: New kind of Breast Cancer–Paget’s Disease

This is incredibly important in the fight against breast cancer. Please share this information with every woman you know.

This rash is similar to that of young mothers who are nursing. Even if your mammogram is clear, if you notice these symptoms and your doctor only prescribes antibiotics, if the symptoms persist or worsen, get a biopsy as soon as possible.

PLEASE be alert to anything that is not normal, and be persistent in getting help as soon as possible.

Below is one woman’s unfortunate story: Paget’s Disease: This is a rare form of breast cancer, and is on the outside of the breast, on the nipple and aureole. It appeared as a rash, which later became a lesion with a crusty outer edge. I would not have ever suspected it to be breast cancer but it was. My nipple never seemed any different to me, but the rash bothered me, so I went to the doctor for that. Sometimes, it itched and was sore, but other than that it didn’t bother me. It was just ugly and a nuisance, and could not be cleared up with all the creams prescribed by my doctor and dermatologist for the dermatitis on my eyes just prior to this outbreak. They seemed a little concerned but did not warn me it could be cancerous.

Now, I suspect not many women out there know a lesion or rash on the nipple or aureole can be breast cancer. (Mine started out as a single red pimple on the aureole.

One of the biggest problems with Paget’s disease of the nipple is that the symptoms appear to be harmless. It is frequently thought to be a skin inflammation or infection, leading to unfortunate delays in detection and care.)

What are the symptoms?

1. A persistent redness, oozing, and crusting of your nipple causing it to itch and burn. (As I stated, mine did not itch or burn much, and had no oozing I was aware of, but it did have a crust along the outer edge on one side.)

2. A sore on your nipple that will not heal. (Mine was on the aureole area with a whitish thick looking area in centre of nipple.)

3. Usually only one nipple is affected.

How is it diagnosed? Your doctor will do a physical exam and should suggest having a mammogram of both breasts, done immediately. Even though the redness, oozing and crusting closely resemble dermatitis (inflammation of the skin), your doctor should suspect cancer if the sore is only on one breast. Your doctor should order a biopsy of your sore to confirm what is going on.

My breast cancer has spread and metastasized to my bones after receiving mega doses of chemotherapy, 28 treatments of radiation and taking Tamaxofin. If this had been diagnosed as breast cancer in the beginning, perhaps it would not have spread...

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From: Me To: You Subject: The “ICE” Idea

My whole family has done this.

This is a very simple, yet important method of contact for you or a loved one in case of an emergency. As cell phones are carried by the majority of the population, all you need to do is program the number of a contact person or persons and store the name as “ICE”.

The idea was thought up by a paramedic who found that when they went to the scenes of accidents, there were always mobile phones with patients, but they didn’t know which numbers to call. He therefore thought that it would be a good idea if there was a nationally recognized name to file “next of kin” under.

Following a disaster in London, The East Anglican Ambulance Service has launched a national “In Case of Emergency (ICE)” campaign. The idea is that you store the word “ICE“ in your mobile phone address book, and with it enter the number of the person you would want to be contacted “In Case of Emergency.”

In an emergency situation, Emergency Services personnel and hospital staff would then be able to quickly contact your next of kin, by simply dialing the number programmed under “ICE”.

For more than one contact name simply enter ICE1, ICE2, ICE3 etc.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Watchdog

This is a very important web site, especially for people with young children. This is worth passing along to all people who are concerned for their safety.

Visit www.familywatchdog.us, enter your address and a map will pop up with your house as the small icon of a house and red, blue, green, yellow dots surrounding your entire neighborhood. When you click on these dots a picture of a person will appear with an address and the description of the crime he or she has committed.

You can see how close these people live to your home or school.

This site was developed by John Walsh from Americaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Most Wanted.

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Inspirational

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From: Me To: You Subject: Two Minute Management Course

I love allegories!

Lesson One: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?” The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson—To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

——————————————————————— Lesson Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson—Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

——————————————————————— Lesson Three: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Bank Account of Life

Who wants to wait? I want to be like this NOW. A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised little lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with her hair fashionably coifed, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.

After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.

“I love it,” she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

“Mrs. Jones, you haven’t seen the room; just wait.”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she replied.

“Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it’s how I arrange my mind.

I already decided to love it.

“It’s a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

“Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I’ll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I’ve stored away. Just for this time in my life.”

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you’ve put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories! Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Drug Problems

This is an email with a message. For anyone old enough to remember, don’t you wish it had the same meaning today?

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ‘’Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?’’ I replied, I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad’s fields.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

—author unknown

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From: Me To: You Subject: Girlfriends and Sisters

God bless the “sisters” in my life. Thank you for being there for me.

Time passes. Life happens. Distance separates. Children grow up. Jobs come and go.

Love waxes and wanes. Men don’t do what they’re supposed to do. Hearts break.

Parents die. Colleagues forget favors. Careers end. BUT...

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.

A girlfriend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-inlaw, mothers, grandmothers, aunts, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life! The world wouldn’t be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still.

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From: Me To: You Subject: LIFE (Written by Jan Britten)

This was written by a very good friend. We have aged together.

It flies by in a heartbeat This thing called life One moment I was a child And then I was a wife One moment I had babies Tiny round and pink Now they’re men and women All I did was blink I wear my mother’s body While my daughter’s wearing mine My mother’s body’s aged and worn While mine still looks quite fine I’d like to have it back But it’s prohibited by time This wasn’t meant to happen Ageing’s for the old I am still a vibrant thing Young and fun and bold I want to run and laugh barefoot Wind blowing through my hair I’d do it now but it seems that Someone glued me to my chair The money that’s been wasted On pots of healing cream Guaranteed rejuvenation Was sadly just a dream A famous beauty once said She worked hard for all her lines I didn’t do a thing for mine They just arrived with time It recently occurred to me The time was drawing near When I would be referred to As an old Biddy, Love or Dear Of course this does upset me And makes me want to frown Can they not see my hair’s my own And I still have all my crowns There is comfort in knowing As I walk this aching path That friends are walking with me Together we can laugh I do not notice when they smile The lines around their eyes I just hear the laughter It’s then I realize All the cliché’s are quite true That’s the reason they were said Enjoy life while you’re living You’ve a long time…………

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From: Me To: You Subject: Two Choices

This is exquisite. God bless all of the Shays in the world and may they be lucky enough to meet children like these.

What would you do?....you make the choice. Don’t look for a punch line, there isn’t one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: “When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection.

Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?”

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. “I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.”

Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, “Do you think they’ll let me play?” Shay’s father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay’s father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, “We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.”

Shay struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt.

His father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father’s joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. (continued on next page) 230

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(continued from previous page) The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman’s head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, “Shay, run to first!

Run to first!” Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, “Run to second, run to second!” Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman’s head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, “Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay.”

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, “Run to third! Shay, run to third!”

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, “Shay, run home! Run home!” Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

“That day,” said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, “the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world.”

Shay didn’t make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the email without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you’re thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you’re probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren’t the “appropriate” ones to receive this type of message. Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the “natural order of things.” So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

You now have two choices: Delete or Forward. May your day be a Shay Day. The World’s Greatest Email

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From: Me To: You Subject: Keep Your Fork

I am going to keep my knife and spoon as well.

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things in order, she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. “There’s one more thing,” she said excitedly.

“What’s that?” came the pastor’s reply.

“I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.”

The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

“That surprises you, doesn’t it?” the young woman asked.

“Yes, it does,” said the pastor.

The young woman explained. ”In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming ... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder, ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them: ‘Keep your fork. The best is yet to come.’”

The pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye.

He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman’s casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question “What’s with the fork?” And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.

The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.

So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Stress Management

I’m trying. I really am!

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, “how heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

He continued, “And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.”

“So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t carry it home.

You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.” And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life: • Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

• Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because you won’t have a leg to stand on.

• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Why I forward email

Sometimes things are not what they appear to be. Listen to your heart.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?” “This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered. “Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

“Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveler asked. “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me!” he called to the man. “Do you have any water?”

“Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.”

“How about my friend here?” the traveler gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink (continued on next page) 234

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(continued from previous page) himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

“What do you call this place?” the traveler asked.

“This is Heaven,” he answered.

“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveler said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

“No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.” Soooo.

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward jokes. Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded email.

So, next time if you get an email, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke or warning, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to share with you. You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.

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From: Me To: You Subject: The Little Things

Next time you are stuck at a traffic light or you miss the train, think of these.

You may have heard that the head of a company survived 9/11 because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her alarm clock didn’t go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.

One of them missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.

One’s car wouldn’t start.

One went back to answer the telephone.

One had a child that dawdled and didn’t get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn’t get a taxi.

One put on a new pair of shoes that morning, and before he got to work, he developed a blister on his foot.

He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. One got a phone call from a friend begging for help with his computer as he was walking through the doors of the World Trade Center.

He left the building.

Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone, the children are slow getting dressed, I can’t seem to find the car keys, or I hit every traffic light, I don’t get mad or frustrated; All the little things that annoy me…

I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment...

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From: Me To: You Subject: The Parachute

Who packed yours and how many have you had?

Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison.

He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience!

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, “You’re Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!”

“How in the world did you know that?” asked Plumb.

“I packed your parachute,” the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude.

The man pumped his hand and said, “I guess it worked!” Plumb assured him, “It sure did. If your chute hadn’t worked, I wouldn’t be here today.”

Plumb couldn’t sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, “I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said ‘Good morning, how are you?’ or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.” Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn’t know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, “Who’s packing your parachute?” Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory – he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important.

We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes.

I am sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute and I hope you will send it on to those who have helped pack yours!

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.. Maybe this could explain it: When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do – you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

Next time you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer was just helping you pack your parachute........

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From: Me To: You Subject: Two Horses

Who rings your bell?

Just up the road from my home is a field with two horses in it.

From a distance, each looks like every other horse.

But if you stop your car, or are walking by, You will notice something quite amazing.

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind.

His owner has chosen not to have him put down, But has made a good home for him.

This alone is amazing.

If nearby and listening, You will hear the sound of a bell.

Looking around for the source of the sound, You will see that it comes from the Smaller horse in the field.

Attached to her halter is a small bell.

It lets her blind friend know where she is, So he can follow her.

As you stand and watch these two friends, You’ll see how she is always checking on him, And that he will listen for her bell and then Slowly walk to where she is, trusting that she Will not lead him astray. When she returns to the Shelter of the barn each evening, she stops Occasionally and looks back, making sure her Friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because We are not perfect or because we have problems Or challenges. He watches over us and even brings Others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by The little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.

Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see.

Good friends are like this ..........

You don’t always see them, But you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I’ll listen for yours.

“Be kinder than necessary, For everyone you meet is Fighting some kind of battle”.

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From: Me To: You Subject: Words of Inspiration

These words are so very profound. I wish I could remember them every day. I am certainly trying!

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It never was between you and them anyway.”

—Mother Teresa

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From: Me To: You Subject: Worth $20?

We all need to remember this when we are feeling low.

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?”

Hands started going up.

He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, “Who still wants it?”

Still the hands were up in the air. ”Well, he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

“Now, who still wants it?”

Still the hands went into the air.

“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.

“Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

“Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special - Don’t EVER forget it.”

If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems and remember: amateurs built the ark... professionals built the Titanic.

If God brings you to it—He will bring you through it.

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Submit an Email for the Next Book

Since writing this book, I have received many more wonderful emails from people far and wide that I would have liked to have included. I have decided to save them for future publication. It seems that there are endless ideas, creations, and information that are winding their way around the Internet waiting to be read and shared with the rest of humanity. If you have a special email that you would like to share with other readers, please send it to the email address below.

Please fill out the following information.

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S

ue Shifrin-Cassidy is an accomplished songwriter, whose songs have been recorded by many of the world’s greatest musical stars—Tina Turner, Cher, Meatloaf, Heart, Smokey Robinson, Dionne Warwick, Al Jarreau, and many others. She gave the same creative energy to KidsCharities.org, which she founded in 1999. It was the first internationally built charity website benefiting the children of the world. She was also the co-founder of the Las Vegas based music conference EAT’M (Emerging Artists and Talent In Music), she is a licensed pilot, and can now list author to the long list of her accomplishments. Sue lives in south Florida with her husband, actor/singer David Cassidy and their 16 year old son, Beau.