HONG KONG DATING

Argue less, love more

Valentina Tudose on how to resolve relationship conflicts that keep coming up

Have you ever noticed that you and your partner tend to argue over the same three or four things over and over again?

It may be that he never tells you when he’s coming home late from work or that he always leaves dirty plates in the sink, even though you have a dishwasher. Or maybe that he never tells you that he loves you (even though you know it). It’s amazing how these simple actions can cause a lot of fights.

Our natural response when that happens is to complain and nag, blame the other person for not listening or loving us enough and hoping that they will stop doing the things we hate.

Complaining rarely works, the fights keep coming up, accumulating more and more frustration, sometimes blowing up into a bigger conflict every time. Most couples have unresolved conflicts like this for years. Although it may sound silly, they end up eroding little by little the respect and positive feelings we want to have for our partners.

The dirty little secret of conflict management is the understanding that issues that pop up repeatedly are a signal of unmet needs. This means that we rarely actually argue about what we think we argue.

In reality, your partner leaving you on ‘read’ annoys you a lot more than it should because you may make it to mean you are not important to him. That is a much bigger deal than not knowing what he wants for dinner and therefore the REAL reason you’re giving him the cold shoulder when he eventually gets home.

Here are three steps to conflict resolution that work like a charm when you struggle to keep the peace:

1. Identify your needs

These small things that bother you are nothing but triggers that remind you of emotional needs that are not being fulfilled in your relationship. Spend some time thinking about what the problem REALLY is and make sure you understand what’s hiding underneath it.

2. Help your partner understand

When you know what the issue is, explain it clearly to your partner (ideally not in the moment when you are both annoyed, but after the cobwebs of anger have cleared). They most likely have no idea why you’re ‘making a fuss’, which is why they never really changed their behavior, despite your repeated complaints. If they think your need to know what time they come home from work is out of a desire to control them, they will not be so willing to work with you to resolve the issue. But if you can explain that information helps you plan your day better so you can spend quality time together, things may be very different. After all, a supportive partner will always try their best to ensure you both have your needs met so don’t be afraid to share your feelings.

3. Make a clear request

Even though they now understand your issue, they may not know how to respond to your need to your satisfaction. Just make it clear to them so they can help you get what you want. Frame this as a positive statement and make sure they understand your ‘why’. For example, “what would really work best for me, would be for you to let me know when you are going to work late so I don’t have to worry about preparing your dinner.”

Valentina Tudose is a relationship coach and founder of Happy Ever After and ambassador for YVEREST. For more information visit

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