Issue 13 - Food by Salient

EDITORIAL

FROM THE ARCHIVES

LETTERS & NOTICES

SWAT

NEWS

PSC: ONE OCEAN

WANNA DO COFFEE?

DREAM DIAGNOSIS

HOOKED

POEM

YOU TRYNA EAT?

FILM

WHAT THE FUCK IS WOAP?

TELEVISION

MMP OR WWE?

FASHION

TALKING WITH MY DAD ABOUT SEX

MUSIC

SIMPLY SUSTAINABLE

FOOD

ASK SISSY

PROCRASTINATION

NGĀI TAUIRA

HOROSCOPES

Editor Kii Small editor@salient.org.nz

Advertising Josephine Dawson advertising@vuwsa.org.nz

Designer & Illustrator Rachel Salazar designer@salient.org.nz

Feature Writers Sally Ward Hannah Powell Salient Staff

News Editor Johnny O’Hagan Brebner news@salient.org.nz Sub Editor Janne Song subeditor@salient.org.nz Social Media Callum Turnbull socialmedia@salient.org.nz

FM Station Managers Jazz Kane Navneeth Nair TV Producers Monique Thorp Joseph Coughlan

Follow Us fb.com/salientmagazine twitter.com/salientmagazine instagram.com/salientgram Centrefold Victoria Haallman Hamre victoriahamre.com Contributors Matthew Casey, Elena Beets & Dad, Kirsty Frame, Alex Walker, Tahu-Potiki Te Maro-Doran, Max Nichol, Melany Tonin News Section Hannah Powell, Finn Blackwell, Reid Wicks, Liam Powell, Kirstin Crowe

You’re now in the hardest part of this Victorian holiday: Part Two. Part One had us feeling lost after orientation. Understanding what the hustle is, followed by choosing between sex and study. Now here’s the second part of this nightmare. Your favourite café is the only place you can’t see your breath. If you can survive the second trimester at Vic, you can survive anything. Nothing worse than grating cheese with your goosebumps, flicking pages to find a reference for a paper due tomorrow in your cold flat. This week, we thought we’d bring you something that’s a little more inclusive than our previous themes. It’s my first issue editing alone, and food is a behemoth of a topic, so I enlisted the help of our Food Editor, Sally Ward. About now, the diet we make is coffee and cigarettes, with a side of a scone drenched in butter and burden. The beautiful cocktail of $7 wine and a long black in the space of 12 hours can only lead to the most beautiful internal mojito. It’s fun, but it’s unsustainable and toxic. It’s really hard not to drink shit things when your favourite beer is $26 a box and water is so expensive. You don’t have to eat shit food, either. The most miniscule amount of effort will make a major difference to your wellbeing and wallet. Take $10 to the market and experience the rush of getting value for money for the first (and only) time in your uni life. $40 for fruit and produce is daylight robbery, but we can talk about boycotting supermarkets in another issue.

and frozen vegetables are as flavourful as the drywall in your hallway. Avoid the temptation to eat your feelings. A $5 pizza is easy to order and pick up, but as it gets colder outside, making a $5 green curry will give your body the energy it needs to power through. Cooking for yourself is the warmest form of self-love. Humans are the only species to cook their food before eating it, and we do it pretty well. Above everything, you are what you eat. Cliché as fuck, but it’s not uncommon to turn into a loaf of bread somewhere during the first tri of second-year. Oh, and someone else’s genitals isn’t a healthy breakfast, no matter how accessible they may be. We wake up and fall asleep thinking about food, from cooking for our families to working in commercial kitchens around Wellington. One thing about food is that everyone needs it. On page 22 we take a look at the top date and break-up spots. Sally writes her first feature, ‘wanna do coffee?’, on 16. We hope this issue finds you well, whether it be next to cold toast smothered in marmite or next to a piping hot bouillabaisse. Eat up.

For now, we would like you to assess what the difference in shit food and real food is. Shit food is for 2 a.m. when every decent place is closed and you’re too dry to fry. Stress meals always taste shit,

Kii Small

Send your letters to editor@salient.org.nz

Hi there, Here we are half way through the year and KJ hostel are still persisting with the caterers! Enough is enough. I am a parent of a student there and if I see one more disgusting photo of the feral cuisine that is dished up and the students are expected to eat I am going to the media.

Dear Salient, As a sometime Crossword Champion, I have become enraged at the lack of clues in this week’s issue. Clues down 26 through 31 have been neglected. Is this some sick joke. We, the people need our clues. We’ve filled in the empty squares with nonsense and I hope you are happy watching the world burn.

Parents pay good money to have their students fed! And in some cases, like my daughter it is HER paying as the parents cannot afford, and when she cannot face what is dished up she cannot afford to go buy another meal, therefore is not eating! You are going to have well-being issues next at that Hostel.

Yours sincerely, Someone who has no right to send this email.

Can you please have my voice registered on behalf of every student in that hostel as requesting new caterers. Finish the current contract now, thanks. From a concerned parent Letters must be received before Tuesday 5 p.m. for publication the following week. They must be 200 words or less. Letters will not be corrected for spelling or grammar. Salient reserves the right to edit, abridge, or decline any letter without explanation.

Dear Salient,

Send your notices to designer@salient.org.nz

I love you all. - Long Meat Marcus

FEMMMPOP Femmmpop is a improvisation group for female identifying gals and non-binary pals, running every second Thursday (starting July 11) in KK203 6:45–8 p.m.

To the Sub Editor, Your cookies are incredible. Thank you for the birthday treats.

Come give it a go or develop those improv skills.

- Designer

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News. MONDAY , 8 JULY 2019

Fireworks explode over the harbour as Wellington celebrates Matariki. The display was put on as part of a series of events for the Māori New Year. “Very rough estimates” suggest at least 100,000 people watched the fireworks from the waterfront and around the city. Information on related public events throughout the rest of winter can be found on the WCC website. Photo by Hannah Powell.

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Are You There, Youths? It’s Me, Local Body Elections JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER

If you’re reading the Salient news section, it’s a pretty good bet you’re a neeerd. If, by chance, you’re not a neeerd, then my apologies that you’ve been guilted into reading it by your neeerd friends. If you’re the former, I’m about to tell you something that is sure to get you hot and bothered (not a climate change joke). If you’re the latter, you’re not being excluded—this is just as important to you as neeerds.

nay, miraculous—if we not only had content in the magazine, but on SalientFM and Salient TV as well?!

What I have to tell you is this:

If you want to see the candidates talking, keep your eyes peeled for content-promos for each candidate from by Salient TV (expertly produced by the much older Monique Thorp).

Luckily for you, that’s EXACTLY what we’re doing. If you want to hear the candidates talking, tune in to the Young Matt Show on the radio waves (expertly produced by the young Matt Casey).

Local body elections are coming up, and I want YOU to get educated, involved, and voting.

Full interviews, with the-same-age-as-me-but-much-moresuccessful Peter McKenzie interviewing, will be uploaded online when I figure out how to do that.

Congrats if you figured out what the announcement was— you’ll do well in the crossword.

Governments are important (Young ACT do not interact). The national government is important because it makes decisions about the nation, where you live. Local government is important because it makes decisions locally, also where you live.

With local body elections on their merry way this year (voting’s in October), Salient News is bringing you one (1) whole page of content. EVERY. WEEK. on everything you need to know about it: Who’s running? What are the issues? What’s a council? How did I get here? Why is he talking like this? All of these questions answered and more.

So, do you want proper public transport? Houses that won’t give you a lung infection? People to take your mental health seriously? To not live in a post-climate-change hellscape?

For the first half of this trimester, this page will be bringing you action-packed information-spreading, hyphen-using profiles of five extra cool ~youths~ running for councils in the Wellington area. If you’re a neeerd, or know one, you probably already know who they are: • • • • •

Then, I cannot. stress. this. enough: Read Salient to get educated, get involved, get voting. Read Salient to get. gud.

Victoria Rhodes-Carlin, for Greater Wellington Regional Council Teri O’Neill, for Wellington City Council’s Eastern Ward Josh Trlin, for Porirua City Council’s Northern Ward Rabeea Inayatullah, for Porirua City Council’s Northern Ward Tamatha Paul, for Wellington City Council’s Lampton Ward

Young Matt Show: salient.org.nz/fm/ every Monday, 6–8 p.m. Salient TV Video Promos: www.facebook.com/salientmagazine/ every Thursday. Enrol for elections at vote.nz

We spent a tonne of time and energy booking rooms to film our interviews, so the least you can do is read them.

Salient’s done a bunch of stuff this year on local politics already—have a flick through some old issues and help educate yourself xx

But why stop with the magazine? Wouldn’t it be amazing—

News.

Wellington Declares Climate Emergency, “Will Affect Economy” Say Critics HANNAH POWELL Wellington City Council has declared a climate emergency. The declaration comes after the Council’s City Strategy Committee voted to support the declaration.

More broadly, Young outlined concerns for living costs in the city, saying that because Te Atakura will “affect our economy and jobs”, it “will make life difficult for those on low or fixed incomes.”

Five other councils around the country have declared similar emergencies, including Auckland and Nelson. Countries like the UK have also declared climate emergencies.

“The First to Zero policy will achieve nothing except to make the councilors feel really good,” she added.

Pressure for action has also come from climate activists, notably youth movements like Generation Zero and the School Climate Strike for Climate.

When later asked for alternatives, however, she provided no additional specifics and referred Salient back to her previous comments (outlined above).

The emergency means that the council will put environmental and climate protection at the forefront of future decisionmaking.

In contrast, Generation Zero at Vic told Salient that they are “super pleased” with the emergency declaration. They too are cautious, however, calling for further action after the declaration. In particular, Gen Zero at Vic wants the council to focus on transport policy: “An overwhelming proportion of Wellington's emissions come from transport.”

Every member of the committee voted in support of the declaration, except for Councillor Nicola Young. Actioning the climate emergency, councillors have considered Te Atakura First to Zero—a plan proposed by the council to be carbon zero by 2050. Ninety per cent of the 1250 submissions received agreed that the city must become carbon zero by 2050.

As well as calling on the council to reject the proposed airport extension, Gen Zero wants to see the recently approved Let’s Get Welly Moving transport policy to be introduced faster, and with greater ambition.

Councillor Young criticised the Te Atakura First to Zero policy, telling Salient that it was “vague” with “no practical steps towards achieving its goal”, and questioned accountability under the plan.

“Pōneke needs a world-class reliable public transport system that includes light rail, better bus routes, and a focus on cycleways and walking,” they told Salient. Gen Zero is also conscious of the effect of environmental policy on at-risk groups, calling for the transition to be “done in a just and caring way that does not disproportionately impact on our most vulnerable communities.”

In particular, she pointed to the policy neglecting to address the proposed airport extension, and the council’s role as Wellington’s second biggest generator of single-use plastic bags.

Councillors have confirmed their intention to ‘walk the talk’ to avoid “window-dressing” the declaration.

She also criticised it for what it did include: the recommendation of water meters, private cycle lanes (which she described as “bizarre”), and the re-introduction of a bottle deposit scheme—but with “no actual proposal to do anything about it.”

Councillor Iona Pannett assures that an investment strategy is in place. Minutes taken from the relevant meetings outlined tree-planting to absorb increased rainfall and improved policies on the purchasing of eco-goods. The protection of infrastructure from rising sea levels is also being actively considered.

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KJ Catering Contractors' Contracts Renewed, Concerns FINN BLACKWELL As the curtain rises on another trimester, Victoria University of Wellington has renewed their contract with the organisation responsible for catering all Vic uni halls. Since signing with caterers Compass Group New Zealand Ltd and its subsidiary Eurest, there have been multiple complaints regarding food served within halls of residence. Katharine Jermyn hall, in particular, has been under fire, with complaints continuing after the contract renewal with Compass Group. A concerned parent voiced their ongoing distress for their child within the hall, regarding the quality of the food being served: “If I see one more disgusting photo of the feral cuisine that is dished up, and that the students are expected to eat, I am going to the media.” The parent also told Salient, “here we are halfway through the year and KJ is still persisting with these caterers”. “You are going to have wellbeing issues next at that hall,” the parent continued. Rainsforth Dix, Director of Student and Campus Living, provided Salient with a response to complaints made by the parent:

“Students in our halls of residence, and their parents, are right to expect good quality food to be served at all times.” “We have worked closely with the catering contractor, and continue to do so, to resolve issues and ensure good quality meals,” Dix continued. This is not the first time KJ has been put in the spotlight for their lacklustre catering. Salient undertook an investigation into the hall’s infamous cooking last trimester, after photos surfaced of undercooked and bloody chicken, with feathers still attached. Since then, further examination of meals within the halls of residence has been an issue around the uni, with halls such as Boulcott and Weir House going under the microscope. While the Student and Campus Living committee encourage residents, parents, and whānau to speak up, should they have any concerns or complaints, in order to “address these immediately”. The concerned parent echoed this sentiment. “Parents pay good money to have their students fed.” “In some cases, like my [child], it is them paying as the parents cannot afford to, and when they cannot face what is dished up, they cannot afford to go buy another meal, [they are] therefore not eating,” they remarked.

This “pizza” from KJ is part of a long series of concerning meals at university halls, served up by catering contractors. Other halls, also catered by Compass Group, have come under fire for similar atrocities. Image from @kathyjcuisine on Instagram. A number of halls have similar dedicated food-grams.

News.

The Study Break Debacle: What’s It All About? REID WICKS Recently, a suggestion from VUW to remove study break from the mid-year exam period caused a lot of controversy. In case you saw it, but are still out of the loop, we’re here to help.

university “drumming up student numbers without providing the infrastructure to support them.'' One comment suggested the university could “actually give a shit about the standard tertiary study year (i.e. March–Nov) and not let summer school run away with the time table and mess things up?”

The whole issue is part of a broader problem: the VUW Academic Board decided, in 2016, to extend Trimester 3 from 11 to 12 weeks, starting this year. This required them to cut a week from the rest of the year to stitch onto Tri 3.

Many commenters highlighted the ill effects a shortened study week would have on students. “[The study break] gives me time to regroup, de-stress, and study with a fresh outlook,” said one student.

You may have noticed that this past trimester’s exam period was a week shorter than usual; this was one such (controversial) attempt to find a spare week.

Another said that “there will inevitably end up being cases where the people have all their exams in the first week without the necessary buffer of study week”.

Another option put forward for 2021 by the university was to remove future lecture-free study weeks instead, in an attempt to prevent exam scheduling issues.

Salient reached out to the university for comment. Provost Professor Wendy Larner clarified that the removal of the study break, one of four suggestions in an Options Paper developed, has now been dropped.

This is the suggestion that saw the recent backlash from students; the issue even made national headlines in The Spinoff.

Larner informed Salient that the remaining suggestions for the 2021 academic year and beyond will have regard to student and staff feedback, and asserted that the university’s Academic Board has strong student representation.

A VUWSA Facebook poll showed that 93% of respondents said a lecture-free study week was important to them. One student commented that the proposal was a side effect of the

Fountown Of Youth: Council Drops Liquor Ban LIAM POWELL Students will continue to be allowed to drink in Kelburn Park, after Wellington City Council decided against imposing a liquor ban on the area.

While it was established that there were legitimate noise and litter concerns, the committee held that the former could be solved by having more rubbish and recycling bins available.

The Council’s City Strategy Committee met on June 13 and unanimously voted to maintain the status quo in Kelburn Park, while opting to introduce a parallel liquor ban in areas of Kilbirnie.

The latter has been proposed to be resolved by a review into drinking policy at university halls of residence. VUWSA and VUW are glad to see the result, and both are looking to work constructively with the council and local residents on issues in the future.

468 submissions were received related to the liquor ban in Kelburn Park, with nearly 80% of the submissions opposing it. VUWSA and the university itself opposed the ban.

Rainsforth Dix, VUW’s Director of Student and Campus Living, told Salient that the university has already had “productive conversations” with the city council around “taking a collaborative approach to tackling alcohol-related harm issues.”

Submissions against the ban argued that it unnecessarily infringed upon the rights of people to drink and socialise. Others feared that a ban would simply send drinkers into more dangerous areas.

Dix said that VUW is also reviewing practices around alcohol in halls, “and will include student voice in the process.” Any changes will come into effect in 2020.

Jack Blakemore, a Weir House resident, said that a ban would simply shift drinkers to the Botanical Gardens. He said the gardens are “a much less desirable place—it’s dark, it’s further from help, it’s a nicer place which we should try [to] keep free from people drinking.”

In a media release, VUWSA credited the result to student submissions inspired by their “Save Fountown” campaign. However, President Tamatha Paul also echoed VUW’s sentiments, “Change does not happen in isolation and all parties must be involved.”

The council accepted the majority view, noting that there was “not sufficient evidence of alcohol-related crime or disorder to warrant a complete ban.”

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SALIENT

Eye on the Exec JOHNNY O’HAGAN BREBNER Welcome back to student politics, neeerds. This week’s Eye on the Exec is extra special because although I myself am a neeerd, I am a lazy one; forgetting to write up either of the last two VUWSA meetings. Without further insult, I present to you: VUWSA exec meetings from May 23 and June 6. What a time to be alive. Student Services Levy Review (Show Me the Money) The student services levy (which is basically how VUW pays VUWSA) is being reviewed by its Advisory Committee. As part of this, VUWSA fleshed out its strategic priorities (neat). These include better support for Erica the Advocate, student consultation, and Stress Free Study Week services. Other than it requiring VUWSA to do some paperwork, there’s not much else to say. Reeferendum 2020 (Sussing for Students) There was an extensive discussion on what position VUWSA will take on next year’s marijuana legalisation referendum. Like true politicians, they decided they would ask students what they want, but still needed to decide what to actually ask. Re-set 2019 (Free Food Week) Re-set Week is coming up (it’s actually right now), which is an opportunity for students to refresh and rejuvenate themselves in time for Tri 2. In Tam’s own words, getting people ready to “smash” the rest of the year. Tam also outlined her desire for greater emphasis on smashing the year, rather than smashing Scrumpy—“I don’t want it to be a pissup”. Lecture Recordings (What Do You Rec-kon?) The petition run by Rinaldo to make lecture recordings consistent across the university has received around 1100 signatures and a lot of online exposure. After the June 6 meeting, the next big hurdle is getting the proposal past the Academic Board.

Sustainability Committee (Sussing for Students) Michael outlined his work with both the university and Puawai on some sustainability projects. More info to come, but the committee has sent off a memorandum of understanding to Victoria on environmental issues. With Puawai, Michael has been co-ordinating the overlapping Sustainability and Māori Language Weeks for this trimester. NZ University Students’ Association on Universities NZ Panel (The Collab We’ve All Been Waiting For) Unis NZ is working on two of its priority areas, mental health and sexual harm prevention, with university students themselves. This involves the NZUSA execs selecting a candidate to sit on the UNZ panel. Tam and another student put their hands up. Unfortunately, Tam didn’t win.

Things To Keep An Eye On: • • • • • • • • • • • •

New arts society on campus Re-Set 2019 #ITooAmVic Changes to the Clubs Constitution Māori Language x Sustainability Week Collab Changes to the Victoria Business School following criticism on a lack of diversity. Education on the recent changes to Insulation Law VUWSA’s Reeferendum Referendum A Victoria Student Mental Health Report Proposals for a Student Assembly (no idea what this would look like) Changes to VUW’s Draft Sexual Harassment Policy Compulsory Lecture Recordings

Tamatha Paul President

Finn Carroll Campaigns Officer

Geo Robrigado Academic Vice President

Michael Turnbull Wellbeing and Sustainability Officer

Rhianna Morar Welfare Vice President

Komal Singh Equity and Sustainability Officer

Jordan Dianne Te Puawai o te Atua Waller Interim Engagement Vice President

Millie Osborne Clubs and Activities Officer

Delia Fu Treasurer Secretary

Rinaldo Strydom Education Officer

News.

Opinion. Israel Sponsored Scholarship Should Be Terminated KIRSTIN CROWE On Thursday, 16 May, Students for Justice in Palestine (SJP) held a meeting at Berrigan House to protest a scholarship for essays on the Israeli State—a state whose political systems they say are inherently “racist” and “brutal”.

“unjust” because the political climate in Israel is “directly comparable” to Apartheid South Africa.

The Embassy of Israel Prize in Political Science and International Relations is listed on Victoria’s website through the Department of History, Philosophy, Political Science and International Relations. The $250 scholarship is awarded to one student per year on the merit of an essay on one of the given topics—including "Israel and the Middle East", "Israel’s bilaterial relations with its neighbours", and "Israel’s democracy in the context of the Middle East". The winner is selected by the Head of Department, and the winning essay “may be provided” to the Ambassador.

The most recent winning essay was not about the political systems referred to by SJP, but focussed instead on Jewish history. The recipient researched Jewish communities in North Africa during the Second World War, detailing the human rights abuses committed under German colonial and military regimes. Xavier Márquez, head of Department and judge of the award, told ^Salient that “nearly every” winning essay has been about some aspect of the holocaust.

The prize is “insulting”, they say, to those students “forced from their homeland by the Israeli government”.

SJP do not object to the use of the award in these cases, and acknowledge the importance of continuing to shed light on Jewish history. They maintain, however, that the topics touching the modern Israeli government should be changed or removed. As long as those topics are included, they assert, the prize enables the Embassy to ”propagate views supporting the Israeli occupation of Palestinian lands”.

In the wake of a century of fighting between Israelis and Palestinians, US interventions have failed to produce peace. Israel’s continued presence in Gaza and the West Bank—including building settlements illegally in Palestinian territory, restricting the flow of commercial goods to Palestine, and denying Palestinians the right to vote—has sparked an international protest movement. Proponents are calling for boycotts, divestment, and sanctions (BDS) against the Israeli state.

SJP have met with two heads of department to discuss their concerns. Following that meeting, the department remains committed to the award. The prize, they maintain, does not “imply support for the views or behaviour of [the] prize donor”. No essay critical of Israeli politics has yet been chosen, but they stress that such essays will be judged, as with all others, on the basis of “high academic merit”.

Many universities in the US, Canada, and New Zealand have SJP groups which promote BDS on their campuses. Victoria is not currently participating in BDS protest, and maintains ties with Israeli universities. Lecturers from these universities have appeared on Kelburn campus, drawing criticism.

SJP organiser Ella Young assures me that this will not be the end of SJP’s campaign.

SJP at VUW are calling for the university to terminate the prize, calling VUW’s partnership with Israel

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SALIENT

How It Works: This Page JOHNNY O'HAGAN BREBNER & RACHEL SALAZAR Last trimester, to the cheers of many and tears of some, we cut Party Line. RIP. With its body still warm, we carried on bravely into the future. Now the future is here with not one, but two replacements. Alternating weekly, How It Works and Rostra’s Hot Takes will try to fill the (small) hole left by Party Line.

Get ready for lots of learning, because that’s what you’re gonna to be doing. And what better place to start than with a How It Works about the new kids on the block? I cannot beg you enough to submit to these sections—you are the human blood that keeps the vampire that is Salient ‘alive’.

How It Works

Rostra's Hot Takes

Submit your ideas

Rostra posts question online

We spend several days weeping

Submit your hot takes (see below)

3 Rough, unintelligible draft sketched by interns

3 We publish 2-3 of the best submissions 4 Salient is swamped with complaints

4 Designer magics it to be pretty

Contact Rostra here: rostra@vuwpolsoc.com

News.

Probing The Punters GETTING TO KNOW THE SALIENT POPULATION

What’s your go-to mid-winter comfort food?

Best cold-day café in town?

Which was your favourite Salient issue last tri?

Which issue of Salient are you most looking forward to this tri?

In the northern hemisphere, winter is in Christmas. What is your favourite thing about Christmas?

KII, 21, SALIENT EDITOR

RACHEL, 22, SALIENT DESIGNER

1. Arancini.

1. Mac' n' Cheese.

2. Customs.

2. Lamason Brew Bar. 3. Christmas dinner.

3. Christmas arguments.

4. Like & Subscribe.

4. Blxck.

5. Nostalgia.

5. The last one.

JAZZ, 22, SALIENT FM CO-MANAGER

lunch

and

drunk

political

MONIQUE, 21, SALIENT TV CO-PRODUCER

1. Fat mac and cheese. every day, but no cheese because

vegan. Just fat pasta, raw.

1. $4.50 dumplings from Pak 'n Save.

2. Midnight espresso, fidel's, anywhere that'll let me in.

2. It's always Midnight man.

3. Bogan Christmas. Drink choices are Woodstocks,

3. The FOOD.

cruisers, or tui.

4. Blxck.

Between Blxck or Body, but disappointed I'm not being asked favourite FM show for last trimester.

5. Freaky Friday.

5. Feminist Issue or Te Ao Mārama.

TAYLOR, 24, FORMER SALIENT CO-EDITOR

JANNE, 24, SALIENT SUB EDITOR

1. Any cooked form of potato.

1. Pasta and roasted caluiflower. 2. Scopa (for the hot chocolate).

2. Pour and twist. 3. Road trips.

3. The Christmas markets in Germany.

4. Blxck. 5. The one where Johnny wins a Pulitzer.

4. Friendship (because I'm on the cover). 5. Te Ao Mārama

Consequently, we are unable to predict whether we will be seeing any more mannequins with protruding ribs (à la 2014 Glassons storefronts) in the near future. Here at ^Salient—and especially SalientFM, we are truly excited to see what this new season brings us. You’ll never catch us with the effectively ancient Hallensteins ABSENT in our wardrobes, with this news to look forward to! Remember: More ethical and better-quality options will always be available for lower prices at op shops around Wellington. But who needs that? Hallensteins? Hell yeah!

HALLY IN WELLY DOING WELL-Y WITH SALLY (SINGER)

FRIED IN FAT TUESDAY, NATION’S CULTURAL CAPITAL PIONEERS WINTER MARDI GRAS

M AYA NEUPAN E

P OP P Y M CGUIGAN

Clothing giant Hallensteins has recently announced plans to go high-end with their next collection, including with fashion giant ^Vogue.

In typical New Zealand fashion, the capital of the carrot turned out on June 22 to recreate, or certainly imitate, the celebration of Mardi Gras (literally, ‘Fat Tuesday’).

After featuring a conventionally attractive white woman in one of their latest campaigns—Hallensteins being a brand traditionally for men, not women (thus making this move radical)—this brand is getting even more radical. With future collaborations planned with such institution-challenging brands as Comme Des Garçons, Gucci, Pams Finest and even BP oil, there’s no denying that Hallensteins is truly branching out.

Ohakune, New Zealand’s home of the Carnival, decked itself out in the playsuit of New Orleans’ pre-Lent celebrations. Large quantities of animal fat and well-hopped beverages, amongst other substances, were consumed in the timehonoured custom of the festival. This tradition is said to carry the repentant through the following period of self-denial. In deference to weather and local sensibilities, there was far less of the breast-baring that edifies the Carnival in warmer climes, where behaviour might be more (or less) enlightened than that found in the Manawatū. Sloughing off the more traditional ensembles, festival-goers opted for the winter- and culturally appropriate animal onesies.

Another future collection has been mentioned with Vetements. There’s whispers of a pair of sneakers in the making with child’s Snapper cards for the heels, and an oversized hoodie so warm and sizable that you won’t even notice your flat’s lack of insulation.

This somewhat enigmatic yet heartfelt attire was worn with much enthusiasm, if little comfort, as the night reached a low of a well below freezing.

Issey Miyake is another name that’s been floating around the Hallensteins headquarters, with stacked chinos apparently looking to get even more stacked. It’s unclear how this pleating will affect the folding style of such pants, but we are sure that Hallensteins will find a way to keep the unique pleating style intact.

To simulate the festival’s musical cornucopia of improvised jazz, Ohakune rolled out the latest in the UK DnB scene. With names such as Dimension, Chase & Status, and 1991; the artists did their part to emulate the authentic vibe. The lively behaviour mimicked a traditional Mardi Gras knees-up, though perhaps sans the same je ne sais quoi.

Despite making these huge and radical changes to their brand, Hallensteins promises to stick to the basics. “Maroon is still in,” the manager Billy V. D. Kings reassured ^Salient, “and don’t worry, we won’t stop producing items at the same high frequency that you know and love—our environmental impact from the carbon emissions caused by the business of fast fashion will not change.”

True to the nature of its namesake, the Mardi Grassists roamed the streets into the wee hours, doubtless immersed in the magical afterglow of the event—or perhaps preparing themselves for the solemn period of abstinence to come.

When questioned whether this new announcement of collaborations will have impact the not-so-body-positive image of their sister brand Glassons, Hallensteins snuck out of the room and hid behind a bush.

Salient managed to coax something verbal out of one festivalgoer, asking what they were giving up for Lent. Their response was somewhat unintelligible, but a short tactical yack later, it was clear the answer was probably “Diesels.”

“ASMR Two Hours of Me Telling Biden to Shut the F*ck Up [personal attention/middle finger movements]” @Slight_Sounds

“Hey girl...I'll recite the communist manifesto between your thighs” - @DaddyTh0rn

CAPI TALISM SUCKS

“neighbors ruin my filming with terrible country music all night, im boutta blast some sweet anime OPs underneath their window at 8am tomorrow morning” - @GibiOfficial

TWEETS L O V INGLY HAND-CURAT ED BY EM M A M AGUIRE

@em_ma_maguire “Watched romance bloom on my morning commute, girl tried to get on but her snapper declined, boy behind her offered to pay for her and instead of going separate ways, he asks her name and they continue to chat. Such a Wellington meetcute!!” @that_Anastasia

“The lights failed in New World this morning. We could still shop though. It was very dark and very dystopian. A+ retail experience. Would be spooked again.” - @loumagooo

“Folks I am so conflicted about the film YESTERDAY. On one hand, I hate it BUT on the other hand I haven’t seen it.” - @fastercamels

“I’m only open to dating at the moment because there are some great date movies coming out and I don’t wanna go alone :’)” - @tuplski

“nz customer service is fucking crack up sometimes. one time i went to roskill burger king with my friend and she asked at the drive thru “how much is a cheeseburger?” and the worker replied “bro idk... 2.50 or something”” - @nihontas

“wonder what age i will be when i get to stop flashing back to the scholarship english exam where i wrote two and a half pages about king lear on a question about non-shakespearean plays” - @FreyaDalySad

“From Rosaline's perspective, Romeo and Juliet is one of her friends at brunch being like "remember that guy who was obsessed with you? Turns out he murdered this guy and then killed himself!" and Rosaline being like "holy fuck that's crazy" and then them going back to their eggs” - @DanaSchwartzzz

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I pay double rent. First, the $200 auto-payment for an uninsulated room. The second, incremental payments to sit at a table with a cup of pick-me-up. Coffee is a luxury. You’ve seen the friendly reminder: Have you thought about your finances? $4 a day on coffee, five times a week makes $20 a week; approximately $1040 a year. I’m dogged with the guilt of poor financial decisionmaking. If I had 10c for every time I said “I can’t afford it,” and then said yes to a long black and a scone...

I am aware of the disdain cascading from older generations—young people photographing their food before eating it, performing enjoyment rather than enjoying it. They’re not wrong. I hate watching food go cold. I get frustrated when I pick up my phone before my cutlery. I’m working on it. Do not underestimate the impact of social media on the dining landscape. Sketch, in London (designed by India Mahdavi), is reputedly the most instagrammed restaurant in the world. The interior is entirely pink, the seats upholstered in velvet; a Wes Anderson wet dream. Restaurant and café design has greater value now, because people will post about it on social media— and voilà, status attaches to your brand. Advertising is free: Clean white plates, filtered light, lashes of reduced balsamic, and edible flowers are tools to set the average diner up as a professional photographer.

Food is a social currency because it is a way of exploring our identities. If you had been a wealthy Roman, you would’ve served platters of exotic fruits to show how rich you were. Now, you can post a photo of maple bacon so your online community knows that you know how to treat yourself. Social media complicates our experiences; our identities exist in two places at once—one curated, one breathing. The time it takes to find the right angle is time in which your meal deteriorates. 17

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On the flipside, people will share dingy, dry-looking dishes to make a point of how bad they are. In that case, bad press is bad press. I am not cynical enough to believe that successful cafés and restaurants develop their brand based on how it will appear through a camera lens. However, it is something that a successful business now has to be aware of: that their service has multiple consumptions: the tangible sensory dance, as well as the digital degustation by X number of followers.

mind noisy, when your lounge is strewn with beer cans, when it’s raining outside, you can turn to cafés and coffee (or hot chocolate, if coffee still tastes like dishwater to you). After all, Wellington is reputedly blessed with more cafés per capita than NYC. The earliest establishments in the capital were colonial tea rooms in the 1920s, usually adjourning hotels and boarding houses. They provided cheap refreshments for sailors and people shuffling through department stores. Then, American soldiers posted here in the 50’s made milk bars the best place to be seen. They were fantastic because if you were a woman, you could wait for your husband to finish up at the pub. You could take someone there for a Hollywood dream-date-milkshake. The milk bar also became synonymous with youth culture—you could smoke cigarettes and talk about sex and stuff (what’s new?).

Food can also mean self-discovery on a plate. I went free reign into food as a 20-something, having graduated from boarding school to a hall of residence. I had exceeded my limit of institutionalised meals; other people dictating your diet gets exhausting. It’s not bad at first, and I’m not ungrateful, but eventually the lasagne becomes indistinguishable from the curry. It’s empowering to get to know your own palette, push your parents away by ordering and cooking things they never did. Post-war immigrants also established coffee houses in the 50’s. Before this, coffee meant chicory syrup— Are you adventurous, or do you like what you like? derived from the root of a blue flowering plant. Tea Are you mild, medium, or hot? Will you conquer your rooms and milk bars closed at three o’clock, the pubs childhood fear of cooked carrot? Are you profound at six. But coffee houses stayed open, filling a social enough to drink long blacks? gap. The hospitality industry suffered a decline in the 60’s, attributed to the invention of the television. Say But let’s be honest, I’m not going out for dinner as what you want about Netflix, they’ve Netfixed the much as the statistics about millennial dining habits problem of living your life around the TV Guide. suggest. Food is a social currency but it is harder to access than coffee—we can’t be lazing around with Whether you’re taking care of your breathing or exotic Roman fruits and maple bacon every day. I curated self, “wanna do cofffee” is code for let’s fuck say yes to a coffee-and-scone combo because it is off and not think about word cunts—whoops, counts— more enticing than yesterday’s soup and cheaper and renders. Supplementing our lives with a little daily than house-made crumpets with ricotta and berry luxury in a city backed by a proud and diverse history compote. Sometimes it’s all that gets me out of bed. of hospitality is not silly. Saving money is astute, but trapping yourself in your room is isolating and you deserve a break. Unfortunately, there is a lack of public spaces to socialise in that don’t cost money. Even when the city library was open, it didn’t feel like a leisure space. And so, hanging out in cafés is now part and parcel of the university experience. Besides, trying to get a group of friends to agree on a restaurant is as bad as getting four people to agree on a movie—we have strong feelings about what we want to put in our mouths. I've also said no to dinner outings before because I couldn’t afford an $18 pad thai, and it’s embarrassing to be the friend who only orders a starter. Like you’re being cheap, or not fully participating. Coffee, meanwhile, is a leveller; more accommodating of varying bank balances. There are options to match your personality: hemp milk for the vegan, decaf for the anxious, cold brew for the cool kid, and so it goes. When the silence of the blue zone makes your

We can find strength in shared pick-me-ups to cope with the feeling of not keeping up. We’re young adults, with responsibilities that can usually be put off for a while if we happen to wake up on the wrong side of productivity. So… wanna do coffee?

Hannah Powell

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10:28 p.m., Friday night. New World. A jar of peanut butter and a packet of VitaWeats in hand, I’m outside waiting for my Uber. To my right, I see a group of guys—laden with booze, their night is just beginning. I gaze out to the curb for my driver’s blessed plate. No luck. I’m starving. “Hope you enjoy those crackers,” one of the guys pipes up. As far as pick-up lines go, it’s topical and relevant, but it’s also relatively shit. I look up from my phone. Another guy joins in.

Most of us head out with the intention to return with someone, so when you don’t, you end up feeling like the world’s biggest loser. Which, conveniently, brings me back to validation. We’re not only obsessed with sex, but the validation that we are alluring, attractive, and therefore desirable. It’s a self-esteem issue; one that we fix with club hook-ups and one-night stands. We eat up the excitement and unpredictability of it all like a bowl of 3 a.m. noodles. And, like noodles, as much as it’s fulfilling it’s not always healthy. It’s admittedly a bloody good time for both parties, but how you treat its significance in your life is important to decide. There are some ugly consequences circulating within hook-up culture: attachment issues, commitment problems, emotional trainwrecks for the one who wants a Round Two, etc. One of my friends drunkenly hit up a match for a hook-up on Tinder after the ugly break-up of a two-year relationship. He drove all the way from the city to our wholesome rural town, chauffeured her back to his house like the Fendalton boy he was, and she returned in the morning, having filled the massive emotional void that cracks open when you’ve lost someone. She agrees that she treated it as a coping mechanism for her break-up, and it wasn’t without its morning-after regret. “It definitely made me realize that [my ex] wasn’t the only person to ever find me attractive,” she said. “Because that is something you get stuck on—what if no one else will ever be attracted to me?”

Hook-up culture is alive and well amongst the young things of Wellington. If O-Week taught me anything, it’s what a jug and a nightclub will do to an individual. The next few weeks of university taught me further—with hallcest, and what goes on behind closed doors. Now, everyone’s getting with their close mates. Welcome to first-year promiscuity. The rest of the night unfolds like this: I play New World guy from the comfort of my bed ‘til I fall asleep. 11 texts between us, and one shrill-toned booty call at 5 a.m. from the one and only. I know it’s cruel, shallow, and not exactly polite, but I got what we all really wanted here— validation. He was keen. If his compliment-saturated texts didn’t get that across, his need to send another text when I didn’t reply cemented it. His unanswered phone call signified that he’d waited the entirety of the night for me, and I’d given him nothing except some false hope and flaky replies. I never intended to go anywhere; the situation was a tad too red flag for my liking. But it did reassure me this: We’re all obsessed with sex.

I’m not saying don’t do this or that, but it’s a good idea to figure out your own needs before you dive into the night. Take a seat and figure out what you want from it—a pre-drink pash, club hook-up, or sex? Or do you just want a good story? If you’re looking for a relationship, then a one-night stand is only as much commitment as you give to changing your bed sheets. If you’re wanting a one-off commitment with minimal investment, then get on it if you choose to. People have different mindsets towards hook-ups, and different intentions mental or physical. If you’re sick of returning alone, break the dependency on a hook-up to amplify your night, and take it as it comes. It’s a social construct that suits some, and others not. Do what’s right for you.

In this much-needed break from the bright lights and thirsty boys of Courtenay Place, I take a seat and recollect all the nights I’ve spent drunk and sedated on the sticky floors of JJ’s, Club 121, Eddie’s, and that one O-Week stint at Estab. A night in town tends to follow a linear narrative of specific plot points: pre-drinking from eight, safety bus at ten, this club and that club, then the last stop at Maccas (if you didn’t pick someone up on the way, then it’s the high-fat carbohydrates of the big M satisfying your emotional needs tonight). A night in town goes one of two ways, and it’s what happens between these events that determines it: either a hook-up and a bonus one-night stand, if all goes well—or you go home, brush your teeth, and crawl into your bed alone.

A conversation commences between the three of us on peanut butter; the fact that yes, Pic’s is from Nelson, and that no, I’m not a freak who eats plain crackers (as they’d imagined).

Hook-up culture is thriving, and it’s pulling dating culture into itself. Tinder has become a hotbed of organised and pre-scheduled hookups, feeding upon young things seeking guaranteed action that they can pencil into their diary. If all you are seeking is sex, suddenly there is no use for a ‘build-up’. If all you are seeking is sexually accelerated emotional validation, there is no use for dates. You wouldn’t take someone to Estab for a date, so why do we feel so comfortable hooking up in a club? Pushing the throes of O-Week mistakes and future piss-takes aside for a moment, let’s humour a midnight booking upon the sticky wooden seats of Estab’s finest corner booths: Clinking $7 tequila shots, you and your date compare Tinder bios against the sound of Top 40 remixes, an over-eager DJ, a floor of horny first-years, a couple getting it on between you. Once you confirm what you’ve already stalked, both of you stare into your shot glasses, lost for words in a sobering encounter. Boldy launching from the common grounds of alcoholism, sedation, and bravery, your match asks, “Another drink?” You ponder how many drinks it will take between the both of you until you hook up. In fear of the unknown, you decide to book it in—“But first, yours or mine tonight?”

“I need salt.” “You can get salt from your man,” hastily replies one. I roll my eyes, the excitement settles. I go back to tracking my driver. I can’t help myself. I look over. The tallest guy is giving me a look. “What you up to tonight?” he asks. “Nothing.” Let’s play. “Come back to the hotel with us.” First in first served with numbers, they race to give me theirs. The tall one particularly likes me. He taps his name into my phone. “Let me know?” “I will.. For the guy who I flaked on—I hope he found someone that night who wanted it as much as he did. Just know that 5 a.m. booty calls are always, always unwelcome.

You Tryna Eat?

BURGER LIQUOR This city is a colourful brothel where cafés and restaurants enter mid-season and leave discreetly in the night. What is quite possibly the most infamous burger joint in Wellington is located in the middle of Willis Street. It’s not open plan, and the architecture is low-key weird as fuck. You can expect two things here: Burgers and Liquor.

hours. Playlist is curated by the staff, who are gonna throw you that alley oop pass with some Anderson Paak and Smokey Robinson while you get to know each other. Food comes out fast and without fuss. Any meat dish can be made vegetarian/vegan, and they’ll even make your burger into a salad bowl if you on that diet—if you would do something that ungodly.

Back-lit rum bottles illuminate the joint with a golden gleam. The friendly faces behind the bar know exactly what this is—everyone and their mum has had a first date at Burger Liquor. The decor is cosy enough for jeans and sneakers, but also official enough for you to bring out ‘those’ earrings and wear your good heels.

Their decadent milkshakes are the perfect way to end any date. If you’re not wanting the night to finish there, you can order an alcoholic milkshake for an extra few dollars. If you don’t like the cherry on top, offer it to your date.

The lighting? Perfect for getting your gram-cam out, but also hiding that pimple on your chin you been trying to hide for the last four

Recommended Dish: The ‘World Famous’ Smokey (x2) and a Salted Caramel milkshake ($18.75 each).

CRAB SHACK A seafood restaurant situated on the waterfront is so cliché that you wouldn’t even call it a real date spot. It’s too obvious. Crab Shack is that one restaurant which looks hype from the outside and actually lives up to the hype when you look at the interior. The ship-themed interior is shared by its brother Shed 5—another prominent date spot for your parents, or your wealthy cousins who are about to get married. Not this year, chief, you’re still on struggle street. We can’t afford $50 mains and we most likely won’t pay over $5 for a beer, so it’s a good thing Crab Shack has deals

every day. It’s no one-off ‘Freaky Friday’ or ‘Thirsty Thursday’ deal. It’s every fucking day. Mondays are half-priced mussels. Don’t like mussels? Half-priced tacos on Tuesday. Can’t afford $4.50 for a taco? They got you sorted on Wednesday with $1 wings. You heard me: Deals. All. Fucking. Week. Recommended Dish: Just go between 3 p.m.–6 p.m. because that’s when all their deals are on.

THE HUNTER LOUNGE Individual meals are made for lonely people who don’t go on dates and just study all day. Share your large pizza and get two glasses for your jug of Castlepoint.

Why, you ask? Because you’re lazy and you never leave the university, anyways. Situated on the biggest campus in Wellington, the Hunter Lounge is the only place nearby that sells alcohol and has more than 12 seating options. In between lectures, or just after a long day at uni, invite your date to the one place they’ve both taken gear and tried to study in, within the same month. Between O-Week and ReSet, there’s no telling what the walls of The Hunter Lounge have seen. The menu gives you lots of opportunities to share: pizzas, curly fries, milkshakes. Don’t be a dick and order the medium pizza or the six chicken wings.

Warning: The only downside to this spot is that it’s the only place you can run into your lecturer, flatmate, and ex—probably all at the same table. Recommended Dish: 2-for-1 Margarita Pizzas (on Friday) and a jug of Castlepoint ($11.50 each).

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MIDNIGHT ESPRESSO On *that* side of Cuba Street, we’ve got one of the most iconic cafés in Wellington. It’s been reviewed over 100 times and holds the reputation of turning its customers vegetarian through their nachos. The interior is stuck in 1998 and the art makes you feel included no matter if you’re from Thorndon or Island Bay. This café is perfect for the design student struggling to put the finishing touches on a project at 1 a.m., or the environmentally conscious couple who wants to grab a coffee and a slice after hours of thrift shopping. Everything on the counter is sweet and baked on the same day. Cakes, caramel slices, scones, pinwheels—you name it.

glass of water. The people here couldn’t care less what you look like, let alone why you’re both crying. It’s a popular spot, so you have a good ten-minute window before you get order, and the staff won’t actually fuck with you at all after you’ve got your order; they’ll forget you’re actually there.

This spot is also excellent for break-ups: There’s no table service. Nobody’s gonna interrupt your conversation asking if you’d like a

Recommended Dish: Caramel Slice (with yoghurt) and a long black, to go ($8).

You can break up with your partner right next to the pinball machine and get your caramel slice to go. It’s perfectly situated on the corner of Cuba and Vivian Streets, so whichever way your ex-partner chooses to walk, you can go the opposite way.

PICKLE & PIE Down an alley, near a car park, and behind God’s back is a bright café that appears as if it’s entirely made out of glass. If you’re planning to use the “people who live in glass houses” line at all during your break-up anecdote, you’re definitely in the right spot. The glass cabinet is full of odd but intriguing treats and baked goods that you can’t really share, because you’re on a seperation mission. Take a seat and get to talking. The service is actually so inconsistent and sparse—they’ll either come to your table twice in the first five minutes, or forget

you’ve come to the restaurant to eat—giving you enough time to get down to business and enjoy the coffee you just ordered. The playlist is equally bonkers: you could either walk into some Mac Ayres followed by some Playboi Carti or just the entire Blonde album. Either way, neither of you’ll have any idea what’s going on, and won’t be enticed to get back together. Recommended Dish: Maple Bacon Sandwich w/ Fried Egg ($10). Perfect amount of calories to withstand whatever cravings you get for your ex.

NANDO’S This restaurant has been a meme and a blessing in the same year. The days of “a cheeky Nando’s” are over. Nando’s is now that place you go for succulent chicken with people you don’t want to fine dine with (/people you’re sick of being seen with in public).

Go up to the counter, ask one of the workers for a bowl of peri peri chips, and sit down in one of the back booths so nobody can see you. No pedestrian that’s window shopping the restaurant will be able to see you, and the staff won’t even bring water to your table. Win–win.

Nando’s has a great menu with a variety of dishes that all include chicken. If you’re vegetarian, the ‘garden salad’ or the halloumi is for you, but that’s like going to KFC and getting the potato & gravy. The garden salad at McDonalds' is trash; I don’t suppose Nando’s have it in them to take it to another level.

Eat your chips, and throw a little bit of extra salt on there. Lord knows you’ve got a lot of it. Recommended Dish: Peri-Peri Chips, regular ($4.50).

Victoria Haallman Hamre, Summer, Di

igital Illustration, 297 x 420mm, 2018

You’ve seen the posters. Maybe you’ve even taken a brochure home, but felt intimidated by the vast possibilities. Look no further—Wellington on a Plate is the food festival here to hold your hand through the whole month of August, and we’ve got all you need to know And if you missed it last year, you now have four weeks (instead of two) to try something new.

BEERVANA, AUG 9–10

DINE WELLINGTON, AUG 1–16

Get tickets online, GA is $45. Or volunteer for free entry to another session and a t-shirt. Make some friends! BURGER WELLINGTON X GARAGE PROJECT, AUG 17–31 AUG

You can vote for the dishes, which get entered into the Best Festival Dish competition. If you order the same thing every time you go to your favourite restaurant, why not move out of your comfort zone and try something fun?

What more do you need?

THE ART OF BEER EXHIBITION See the sketches and finished artworks of the beer labels that remind you of nights you’ve forgotten. {Suite} Art Gallery Saturday, 3 Aug, 11 a.m.–6 p.m. Sunday, 4 Aug, 11 a.m.–3 p.m. Free SOUPTASTIC! Shep Elliott (of Shepherd and Leeds St Bakery) is really good at making soup and using Kaibosh rescued ingredients. Bring a mug.

ROCO’S STINK MAC ‘N’ CHEESE

Midland Park Thursday, 8 Aug, 12 p.m.–1 p.m. Koha

Cheesy, cheesy macaroni with a variety of hot sauces to try, coming to you from The Roxy & CoCo caravan Every Thurs–Sun of August Various locations; see VisaWOAP.com Pay on consumption

THE FUTURE OF FOOD IS FEMALE A panel discussion with five local and international women who have made a living through food. MONDAY, 20 AUG Prefab Hall $10

NOSTALGIA, REFRESHED Six Barrel Soda Co. is recreating childhood favourites (think Mr Whippy, fairy bread, and lemonade) but with fancier ingredients. SUNDAY, 11 AUG Prefab Hall $45—but you can’t put a price on nostalgia.

HOT FOR HOT DOGS Saucy opening night event—try Morgy’s brand new dogs. THURSDAY, 1 AUG, 5 P.M.–LATE Prefab Hall Pay on consumption

MATTHEW CASEY YOUNG MATT’S POLITICS It’s 2008, and your mum has sent you to bed early. “This isn't for kids to watch,” you hear. On TV, there is a heavyweight battle between the reigning champ and someone newer to the picture. They are going up against each other in what can only be described as a no-disqualification match for the title. I cannot remember if this was between The Edge and Jeff Hardy, or Helen Clark and John Key. Was it MMP, or WWE? The parallels between wrestling and politics run deep—even Abraham Lincoln was a known champion wrestler. In New Zealand’s own Impact Pro Wrestling, there’s a tag team called the ‘Young Nats’ which is a satirical take on the wellknown youth wing of the National Party. The reason these crossovers exist is because, basically, politics is wrestling: There is a title holder, it is reasonably theatrical, and a large portion of people believe it’s flat-out fake. “Don't trust a politician” and “You know that wrestling’s fake” are uttered in the same tone, likely by the exact same person at the pub. Those in parliament and those running the WWE are presenting and implementing change either because it’s what they think the people want or what the people need. There’s the title holder and the number one contender. In the current layout, you’ve got the champion as Jacinda “The People’s Champ” Ardern up against Simon “Big Show” Bridges. Simon’s doing everything to try to hinder Jacinda’s title reign. When his title match—the 2020 general elections—arrive, he'll be able to do a metaphorical suplex off the top rope, get the victory, and become “Your new Prime Minister of New Zealand”. Like the WWE, however, things do not always favour the number one contender. Vince McMahon—or in Simon’s case, The National Party— may decide there will be a new person going for the title.

When it comes to long-winded, rehearsed speeches calling out an opponent and challenging them—whether it's to reduce emissions, or during a fight at Wrestlemania—the outcomes seem predetermined. Politicians “discuss” a lot of bills and ideas, with a hefty portion of the time spent on what was a fixed outcome. The theatrics are the same: people putting on a show for the minority who actually watch it. So if it's all fake and hot air, why the hell should you care? The reason you should is because in both of these arenas, when the fans or voters react, it sends a message to those higher up on the direction they should go in. You can't have shows to empty arenas. If someone’s performing badly in the ring, people will chant, “You suck!” This forces them to change what they’re doing, take a different approach. And if people don’t know they’re doing poorly, then how will they know they need to change? Change happens when people react strongly. When fans are not enjoying what's going on, they’ll chant, start petitions, and demand change. They’ll make sure its known far and wide. Sounds eerily similar to protesting, which is known to make change, right? In New Zealand, it’s one of our favourite pastimes to get angry and vocal about something that we don’t like. Nuclear-free, women's suffrage, and even plastic bags in supermarkets. The people’s choice overrode that of those orchestrating the outcomes. When the people in power are not doing what’s wanted, vocal opponents and campaigners have the opportunity to try and create change. In politics as wrestling, if you feel strongly enough, the idea of “You suck!” can be adapted into making change. The people are the power! People may seem voiceless, but if there is enough of a fuss, change happens and those pre-planned outcomes are forced to change! Voices do get heard. Be vocal, be heard—things can actually change!

Hi I’m Elena. My dad is a sex therapist and I’m studying to be a sex educator—we’re here to talk relationships and sex, so send your queries and worries our way (sex@salient.org.nz)

Can you separate sex from emotion, and do you think you have a choice?

Lena says:

Dad says:

I mean, to get meta—I don’t think you can separate anything from emotion. In saying that, people’s understandings and responses to sex vary as widely as you can imagine. There are people who have no problem having sex without getting attached or experiencing a lot of emotions afterwards, and people who will feel strongly about anyone they have sex with.

No one else can modulate your physical sensations for you—you’re the one getting the feedback. So if the physical sensations are at their best with self-pleasure, I would argue that this means we have sex with other people because it intensifies the psycho-emotional aspect of the experience. So I don’t believe you can separate partnered sex from some kind of emotion.

I think a big factor in how you “feel” about sex and the people you have sex with, is what meaning sex has to you: If you believe sex is a very sacred experience to be shared between people who care deeply about each other, it’s natural that you would feel attached to the people you have sex with. Whereas if you view sex as something fun you can do with people to give you both pleasure, you may be more easily able to separate the sex from the people you’re having it with.

All of us release oxytocin when we cuddle, have sex, and when we orgasm. Oxytocin increases our sense of connection and comfort with people—it is sometimes called the “bonding” hormone (it’s also released when women breastfeed). So there is that aspect of our biology to contend with. It’s not deterministic, but it suggests that this is one of the intended functions of sex.

Without introspection, the meaning sex has for us remains unconsciously internalised. But I think you can deconstruct and potentially change the meaning sex has for you, and that it’s healthy to think critically about what meanings you hold around sex (and whether these are helpful for you as an individual). No one else’s perceptions or approaches to sex are going to be exactly right for you, and that’s okay. It might be that, despite doing a lot of critical thinking, you either still struggle to feel emotion or struggle with feeling too much emotion towards having sex, and that might not be able to change. In that case, as long as you’re being honest with yourself about what is healthy for you and your partners, whatever is your ‘normal’ doesn’t need to change.

But “bonding” type feelings are just one aspect of emotional experience. As Lena said, human beings rarely do anything without emotion. Emotions provide both a motivation and a context to the action, and those emotions are dictated by the meanings we make of events. We can have sex for all sorts of reasons, and they can create all sorts of meanings. Some of our meanings can be unconscious, but still very important. If you are having sex to reassure yourself you are attractive or important or worthy, how your partner responds to you is going to have much more emotional impact on you than if your motivation is to get to know someone better, or to just have fun. Some people avoid showing any kind of vulnerability and channel all those feelings into sex, so sex can be emotionally complex for them (and their partners). You can certainly change those kinds of meanings, and hence your emotional experience of sex.

S I MPLY S US TA I N A B LE

SWAT

KIRSTY FRAME

ALEX WALKER

The takeaway packaging our food sits inside has a complex and flawed circulation. ’Compostable’ alternatives to our cups, containers, and cutlery are not all they are promised to be—in practice, almost all are going to landfill. These products are tricky to compost together, as everything is made differently. Commercial composting facilities are aware of this, and are beginning to restrict what they can accept to ensure they produce successful compost.

Food and wellbeing are interlinked. Just think about your favourite meal: It’s more than just the delicious, complementary flavours; it’s also the feelings you have when you sit down to eat it. It’s the company of friends or family, it’s the atmosphere of breezy conversation, it’s the inside jokes that are shared like appetizers. Our favourite meal has a familiarity that evokes these emotions. For one shining moment, everything feels like it will be okay.

So instead of diving into the clusterfuck that is compostable products, we can take matters into our own hands—by avoiding them altogether. Solutions are simple and I promise you, cafés don’t mind your bringing your own. They don’t have to be costly, either.

Wellbeing can mean many things, but for me it has always meant connection; the feeling of being part of a community or purpose. And so many important moments of connection are enshrined in food. I visited Iran when I was seven, and it was the food that made the greatest impression on me—not just because it was delicious, but because of the way it brought people together. I remember night after night of sitting on a carpet and hearing laughter and excited chattering as my family lingered over a meal. The food brought us together and helped create a loving space.

Here are some tips: Firstly, coffee. We drink and demand a lot, and use a lot of single-use cups in the process. Wellington’s composting centres aren’t accepting them, and there’s no such thing as a recyclable coffee cup—to the landfills they go. Now, you don’t have to buy an insulated Frank Green keep cup. An old peanut butter jar does the trick, and if you’re lucky—a knitted cosy, courtesy of your nana. Bonus: Most cafés offer a small discount for bringing your own.

We experience this at Vic, too. Whether it’s sharing curly fries at the Hunter Lounge or downing a morning coffee, so many beautiful moments of connection happen at this university through food. Last trimester, there was an international food festival in the Hub as part of VUWSA’s #itooamvic campaign. Students talked and laughed and ate together, briefly escaping the stress of study. That, to me, is what wellbeing looks like. It’s all of these moments where we take a step back to enjoy some good food in good company.

Secondly, your own container. Opt for a larger size to ensure you get your money's worth—plus, some cafés might chuck you a lil extra. Bring your own cutlery, too—I keep mine inside a little produce bag. Both ‘compostable’ options for these are designed so differently, it really is a mystery if they’re successfully composted—which is, in turn, reliant on actually arriving at a composting facility.

So much of our time at uni is characterised by a frenzy of study and assignments, of trying to keep up with a mountain of readings that grows larger by the week. Food gives us that chance to recharge and look after ourselves. It nudges into our day and tells us that now is not the time to add an extra paragraph, now is the time to find the nearest sandwich. Now is the time to connect.

Lastly, Dine. In. Take a breather. Eat with mindfulness. Our demand for fast and portable food has derived from our increasingly stressful lifestyles. Neither is good for our health or our environment. Park up at a table and enjoy your lunch or coffee in a different environment. Take a moment to take in the beautiful city at our feet. Cutlery in hand, we can eat sustainably.

A S K S IS SY

P SC:O NE OCEAN

ANONYMOUS

No matter what I’m eating, my flatmate will ALWAYS ask for some. It’s just annoying that I cannot eat any food around them without them taking some of it. I just don’t know how to say no in a nice way and I’m really sick of having to give up food all the time. Am I being ridiculous? Should I just get over it or is there something I can do to solve this? – Sick of the Food Mooch

Have you ever had a dish that instantly reminded you of home? For some, home means just down the road, and for others, it means a thousand of miles away. For me, eating Pacific dishes can easily transport me back to the warmth and memory of the islands. One of my all-time favorite Pacific dishes is oka (raw fish in coconut cream)! A beloved dish that is shared throughout the islands, this dish goes by different names: ‘kokoda’ in Fiji, ‘ika mata’ in the Cook Islands, ‘ota ika’ in Tonga, and ‘oka’ in Samoa, to name a few. If you want to experience that sense of place, the following recipe for oka is the ticket to transport you to that taste of paradise.

I don't think you're being ridiculous but I don't think your current strategy (sharing your food to avoid awkwardness while secretly burning with intense frustration) is working out for you. I'm assuming your flatmate has access to their own food and isn't in financial hardship. If they were, I would encourage you to suggest some resources that could assist them (e.g. The Hardship Fund via the Vic website).

(Note: Our ways of making oka are as diverse as the Pacific itself, but here’s my mum’s one lol)

You may think you're sending clear signals of unequivocal displeasure at being asked to share your food AGAIN, but it could be that you're not being obvious at all. Or maybe your flatmate is just truly oblivious. Maybe your flatmate has become used to you sharing your food and is taking advantage of your kindness. That, or they're just straight up lazy.

1 can coconut cream 1 kg red snapper / tuna fillets 2 capsicums ½ cup lime juice 1 cucumber 2 tomatoes salt pepper

INGREDIENTS

Your flatmate is not a mind reader. So, in order to get the result you want, you're going to have to speak up. This can be uncomfortable, especially if speaking up isn't necessarily what you're used to, but this is a good opportunity to practise. Asserting yourself is an important skill. Approach it in a casual way. You're not calling them out, but bringing their awareness to the situation.

INSTRUCTIONS Cut fish fillets into medium diced cubes. Place the fish in a bowl with lime juice and ½ tsp salt—you’ll want to leave it in the fridge preferably for one hour. You can let it marinate more or less, depending on how ‘raw’ you’d like your fish. (After the fish has been marinated, drain it well.)

Next time you're eating and your flatmate asks you for some, laugh and say in a friendly way, "You always ask me for food! I'm sorry but I don't have enough to share. Can you stop asking me to share my food all the time? I'll feel bad having to say no."

Finely dice the capsicum, tomato, and cucumber; mix it into a big bowl with coconut cream. Add the well-drained fish. Season it with salt and pepper and mix thoroughly.

If they ask you another time, be a bit firmer: "I don't want to share my food. Sorry!"

Let it chill in the fridge to allow the flavours to blend before serving (oka is served cold).

If it happens again you'll need to be really clear: "Look, you keep asking me to share my food with you and I've told you I don't want to do that anymore. You need to stop asking me."

I hope you’ll enjoy making this as much as I enjoyed sharing and eating this! Thanks for coming to my TED Talk, tune in next time.

Good luck! You can do it!

NĀ TAHU-POTIKI TE MARO-DORAN

KAI My passion for kai grew when I became a wairua freak. I came to a realisation that food contains mauri and wairua that cannot be destroyed but only transferred. Henceforth it became my mission to consume only the purest, to strengthen the wairua and mauri within myself instead of degrading it, and I started it by becoming plant-based. I’ve been on this waka for two years now and can’t see myself ever turning back. I’ve discovered that all living beings have wairua and mauri, which can be pure, but can also be tainted by pain and fear. So I decided that I no longer wanted to consume a being and its fear. When it comes to hauora, kai is the key. Kai is fuel, and just like fuel, kai can be electrical or it can be toxic. What’s better for us and the planet in the long run is fuel that is electrical, full of pure wairua and mauri. Fresh fruits and vegetables are electric. If we shift from animal agriculture to more plant-based agriculture, literally planet saved. But not only would that save the planet, it would also save us, the people. Take Aotearoa for instance: We are one of the few countries that consumes meat for most meals, every day of the week. We are so proud of this fact that we can’t imagine what our plates would look like without meat. Fonterra pushes free milk in schools and advertises dairy as “healthy and good for our bones”. Meat and dairy are the backbone of this country’s economy, so of course our everyday knowledge and our daily habits have been corrupted—how else would we get the money?

Health can have a snowball effect in two different directions. Let’s use whānau to define our success in this instance. On one end, you can snowball towards the healthy side. When you eat healthy, your snowball grows bigger and provides you with the energy to think right and operate right. The snowball grows bigger, as you are able to be present and active with your healthy whānau for a long time. Who knows—you might even be fit and active for your grandchildren. On the other end, when you eat unhealthy, you snowball into a sluggish lifestyle which makes it harder for you to think and operate, and brings on the burden for your whānau to make sure you’re healthy enough to live day-to-day. So how do we start to let kai be thy medicine, instead of the pills from the doctor? We need to stop looking at our health as the icing or cherry on top, and start looking at it as the batter: We prioritise our workload and other needs above something that keeps us alive. We start with choices. We can choose to live to eat, or we can choose to eat to live. We can choose to put the ego down for a moment, each day. We can choose the fruits and veggies over the Maccas. We can choose to prioritise ourselves! We can choose to suffer in short spurts every day, rather than suffering a lifetime. Trust me—that short-term suffering will become long-term living, instead of the other way around. We can choose to understand our health or we can choose to make excuses for why we aren’t healthy. Let’s choose our health. Mauri tū, Mauri oho, Mauri ora.

MAX NICHOL

Having spent far too long at this place, I feel qualified to discuss the quality of the culinary offerings at Vic: Louis’ has good pies and sausage rolls. VicBooks is kinda spenny, but the toasties are mean. The Lab has the best variety, and their curry bowls are super good. Maki Mono is best enjoyed after 4 p.m. At Hunter Lounge, the two-for-one pizzas on a Friday (washed down, of course, with a $4 handle of Castle Point—the most nondescript beer in existence) is a staple. Krishna and marae lunches at Te Herenga Waka are delicious cheap eats. Milk and Honey (ooh la la, check me out) has a couple of ripper two-for-one deals and a great happy hour. If you accidentally wander into the Cotton Building, the mac and cheese at Wishbone is fine. The food trucks outside the Hub on Wednesdays is really where it’s at though. We’re spoiled for choice when it comes to wasting money on food we should really be bringing from home. An economist might argue that the invisible hand of the free market decides where the best cheese scone and flat white comes from, keeping general quality high. Students weren’t always so lucky. In the 1970s, a greasy cafeteria held the monopoly on the sale of food on campus, and students were not impressed with its

quality. A “Normally Apathetic Student” wrote to Salient in 1976, incensed by the poor service and even worse food: Salient itself may have helped to make the caf food more palatable, according to a 1978 edition of “Salient Notes”, a satirical staff credits section which ran throughout the 1970s and 1980s: “Let’s face it, you don’t give a fuck about Salient. You reckon Simon Wilson is a vicious liar and you want him to resign … You’re only reading this to take your mind off the taste of your cafeteria lunch.” To make matters worse, VUWSA was actually the owner of this cafeteria from 1973, and it was a constant financial burden on students’ money. In 1976, VUWSA had to borrow $50,000 from the university to cover the debts incurred by its catering operation. In 1980, the VUWSA Trust established Victoria Catering Limited as a company separate from VUWSA itself in the hopes it might be run more efficiently. This, too, was a major financial failure. VUWSA raised student fees from $68 to $79.65 in 1985, $3.30 of which was set aside to cover the catering company’s debts of $95,000:

The company was placed into liquidation, and ceased operation entirely at the end of 1985, bringing to an end a long headache of bad food and wasted money.

MELANY TONIN THIS IS NO PLACE FOR A BABY DREAMER: In my first dream, I was enjoying a peaceful slumber in my bedroom (I live in a hall) when all of a sudden, I heard a baby crying. I leapt out of bed and went towards the sound. It turned out this little baby was in another bedroom on my floor where a raucous party was occurring—she was the daughter of one of the drunk girls in the room. I threw open the door and shouted out, "This is no place for a baby!" then took the baby and all its paraphernalia (nappies, milk formula, etc.). I got the mother's phone number so she could collect the child when she was sober again. Fast forward a few days later, I called the number and found out it was fake. Concerned that I was looking after someone else's child, I went to the police to explain the situation, however they charged me with kidnapping! In my next dream a few nights later, a relative of mine died, leaving me to look after his little toddler. Most recently— and most strangely—I had a dream within a dream. In my dream, I was asleep and dreaming. In my in-dream dream I got mugged by these two guys. However, at the last minute, the police turned up and arrested them. When I went to the station to give a statement, I covered for them, saying I knew them and was merely giving them my wallet. I then paid $1000 for their bail. Then I woke up. The next day (remember I'm still dreaming this), the mugging actually happened exactly as I had previously dreamed it. DIAGNOSIS: Dear dreamer, You’ve provided us here at the dream-interpretation office with a potent cocktail of dreams within dreams. These external responsibilities—other people’s children, other people’s identities—tie in with your own preoccupations and I wonder—have you properly pondered who you were really yelling at when you yelled, “This is no place for a baby?”

Let’s unpack it a little more. Why did it take you a few days to call the fake number? Were you worried the mother’s hangover was a bad one? Did you enjoy the thrill? Christ, you can’t blame the police for charging you with kidnapping. If we look to the dreams as levels, building, heading somewhere in particular, then it makes sense that in your second dream you were given the child by respectable—if slightly morbid—channels. You were, at least at first, yearning for this responsibility, whatever it symbolises, and making tracks to get it in an acceptable manner. This ties in. But the third dream takes us to an entirely new plane. If we forget your terrible attempt at mimicking Inception and focus on the fact you willingly go to the police, cover for the thugs, pay their bail, then actually get mugged—your subconscious is trying to hammer you on the head with a vital life lesson. “Listen,” it’s saying, “put the baby in a material bag and dump it in the river.” You can’t cover for the schmucks on your floor; if that girl shat all over the walls after a massive night then sure, try your best to wipe it up before the RA gets there, but it’s not your burden. Stop trying to pay your way out of it. Two of your dreams end abruptly when the police are done with you. The meaning of this is obvious: You’re gagging for someone to relieve you of the responsibility or secret you’re carrying. Is it murder? A friend cheating on a friend? The moral of this story is: you’re absolutely right. This is no place for a baby. And if you leave this baby unchecked, it’ll grow up to be Damien with 666 etched onto his skull, hidden only by devilish thick black hair. So I suggest you either un-enroll and move back to whatever little town spat you out, or hurry up and speak to the authorities, to whomever—just make sure you tell them the truth.

“Desire is the kind of thing that eats you and leaves you starving.” ― Nayyirah Waheed

Send your limericks, elegies, and odes to poetry@salient.org.nz

F ILM ALWAYS A SUC K E R FO R R E D E M P T I O N AR C S REV IEW: E VA LOC K H AR T

This week I’m breaking all the rules: This article is not a review, nor is it about film. If you’re not up to date with Game of Thrones or Avatar: The Last Airbender (the greatest show of all time), don’t read this. One of Game of Thrones’ extraordinary strengths has always been the depth and dimension of its characters. Nothing in Westeros is ever black or white, there is no ‘good’ or ‘evil’. Heroes can become killers, and villains can become defenders of good. Theon Greyjoy has always interested me because, as indicated by his name, he represents a moral grey area. A survivalist, Theon is never good or bad; he makes decisions that will result in the best immediate outcome for himself. That is, of course, until he is redeemed. In Season 1, the audience is introduced to Theon as the arrogant ward/foster child/prisoner of the Starks. So, in Season 2, when he betrays the Starks in an attempt to win the love and respect of his own family, I sympathised. I pulled out my telescope, and from a distance I saw the redemption arc coming. Similarly, I predicted the redemption of Prince Zuko from The Last Airbender (henceforth referred to as ATLA)’s from the moment I saw him. At the beginning of Book One, Zuko, just a teenager, has been banished from his home in the Fire Nation for disrespecting his father, Firelord Ozai. Zuko now travels the world desperately trying to capture Avatar Aang in the hopes of regaining his honour and winning back his father’s respect and trust. Sound familiar? At the beginning of each series, both Theon and Zuko are young men estranged from their families. Their actions show desperation for love, belonging, and acceptance. Zuko will stop at nothing to

capture the Avatar in order to return to the Fire Nation. But upon his homecoming, he is filled with emptiness, knowing the decisions he made were wrong. This is when Zuko realises that he is the master of his own destiny. After seeking his father’s approval for so long, Zuko rejects Ozai’s violence and goes out in search of the Avatar once again, this time with the intent of helping him bring down the Fire Nation. Theon’s redemption story is a little more complex. It involves castration and psychological torture, but the outcome is similar. After several seasons of suffering terrible abuse, Theon works up the gall to save Sansa and escape Winterfell. He then travels back to his homeland, the Iron Islands, defying the men in his family by supporting his sister’s claim to the throne. Later, he returns to Winterfell to aid in the Battle of Ice and Fire, pledging his fealty to House Stark, (a) because it’s the right thing to do, and (b) because he realises that the Starks have always protected him and cared for him, they are his true family, and he loves them. He dies protecting Bran from the Night King, after Bran tells him that Winterfell is his home. So why do these characters and their redemption arcs matter? Recently I had a conversation with someone who said that anyone can be successful, no matter where they come from. This is of course true, but people who come from hardship have more obstacles to overcome to reach that place of success. So to me, characters like Theon and Zuko are more inspiring than cookie-cutter heroes, because they started off ‘bad’ and struggled through so much to become ‘good’. Characters like Jon Snow have it easy, because they are raised to be good. But someone born into hardship, or evil, who makes the conscious decision to do the right thing? That’s a real hero.

TE LEVI S I ON REV IEW: E M M A M AG U I R E

G ROW YOUR OW N D R U G S

THE S UPERS IZERS

Despite this show’s title, I’m not inciting you into anything potentially illegal here. (Which I’m sure is a disappointment to some of you.)

Each episode of the BBC’s The Supersizers... sees lovely comedian Sue Perkins and vaguely annoying restaurant critic Giles Coren go back in time for a week and live in different periods of history. They eat the food from the time, dress in historical clothing, and often live in houses decked out as they would have been in the historical period.

Grow Your Own Drugs is a UK cooking(?) television series about finding and making home remedies from things in your own garden. It’s the sort of short-form television that you can watch when you’re working on something else. Before y’all come at me for subscribing to thinly veiled pseudoscience, the man at the helm of this show is James Wong, a UK-based ethnobiologist who stresses that his recipes are not cure-alls, or snake oil, but things that can potentially help speed up recovery, alongside more conventional forms of medication*.

They really go ham on the history—Giles and Sue often put themselves into rather distasteful situations (such as having leech treatments, or drinking no water for five days) for historical accuracy, yet mostly seem to keep fairly good spirits up about things.

James forages for plants, breaks down how and why they work as remedies, and then cooks them up in his gorgeous London kitchen. As well as showing us how to make the remedies, he tests them on members of the public—often to fantastic results. While the show doesn’t conduct clinical trials or anything excessively scientific, it does have scientific backing and consultation with professionals, so it’s a step above all the proponents of medical-based woo that are currently out there.

For one episode in the first season, the pair head back to the 1970s and embrace the delights of über-processed food. Accompanied by chef Mark Hix, Giles goes out to work in a horrendous brown suit, while Sue serves up boil-in-the-bag fish and Sodastream. They even get to eat lunch in a reproduction of a Concorde. The whole episode culminates in a delightful dinner—a metaphorical orgy of excess, so to speak—with far too much booze and the company of a few people who were really into swinging in the 70’s.

James is a lovely presenter, and there’s no artificially inserted tension, just pure plant knowledge and kindness. In this world, what more can you ask for?

The Supersizers… is fantastic because it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Though the food history is sound, the two presenters spice it up with games and sarcasm, and routinely comment on the sexism of the times they’re in. All in all, it’s a good time.

*Just a disclaimer; please don’t use any of these remedies without consultation with your doctor—some plants have weird interactions with pre-existing medications and conditions. Always conduct a 24-hour skin test before using.

FASHI ON CHEETA H REV IEW: NI NA W E I R

Have you ever received bad news and just bottled it up for a while, keeping it to yourself to make it slightly less real? Maybe it was the rejection letter from your dream job, maybe it was a fail on a paper you were feeling so confident on, maybe you’d lost 3 million followers after someone publicly called you out on Instagram—the list goes on. It’s a very human trait to avoid dealing with reality. So now you understand why I’ve been writing these reviews for three months, and haven’t mentioned this animal print trend yet. To clarify, despite the years of my upbringing, wherein my mother yelled “no” at me as I rubbed my nose in an Ezibuy catalogue, I love leopard print. Hell, I rocked a pink cheetah Urban Angel fit on the Year 7 party circuit. But this current trend has gotten out of hand; leopard print saturation levels have reached biblical plague levels. It’s almost like God looked at 2019 and thought locusts and blood rains weren’t bad enough—it’s time for Seed to start stocking cheetah-print gumboots. I’ve written this review with the same thought process as the mum who buys her 16-year-old daughter a four-pack of Smirnies: If you’re going to wear leopard print, I want you do it responsibly and I want you do it in an educated manner. Allow me to guide you through the leopard print hall of fame, so you can burn a sacrificial Vogue magazine to those who’ve gone before us, next time you wear that cheetah scrunchie: 1. SHANIA TWAIN IN THE “THAT DON’T IMPRESS ME MUCH” MUSIC VIDEO: Don’t even talk to me unless your pants match your bra, your coat, your heels, your suitcase, and your wig. Look at the outfit in this video and tell me in all honesty that Brad Pitt was ever good enough for her.

When I saw her live last year (yes, I am a 48-year-old divorcee who enjoys a chardonnay, thanks for asking), she performed this song in a bejewelled leopard kaftan and I had such an epiphanic realisation of my self-worth that I haven’t been on Tinder since. Such is the power of leopard. 2. NAOMI CAMPBELL IN ALAÏA: Queen of the 90’s supermodel squad could’ve worn a reusable Countdown bag down a catwalk and Kim K would still be trying to rip it off. After Kim posted images of herself dressed head to toe in a leopard Alaïa bodysuit, Naomi posted a catwalk throwback in the same look—a level of shade I can only dream of, with my very limiting 200 Instagram followers. 3. AQUARIA, RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE (SEASON 10, EPISODE 11) The biggest theme of this review so far, has been go hard or go home wearing a black playsuit—and this outfit is no exception. This runway look combined a 1950s style dress in ocelot spots with exposed bone up the spine. But until Lovisa releases a limited run of jewellery in collaboration with the Mad Butcher, Aquaria’s very unvegan look is an unattainable dream, and the best accessorising we can manage with leopard is black leather and a gold necklace or two. 4. FRAN DRESCHER IN THE NANNY Did you really think I could get through a whole review of leopard print and not give credit to the mother of 90’s fashion, Fran Fine?! Fran was all about sequins, short skirts, and a little bit of leopard. Pair some cheetah with black tights, high heels, and big hair, and you too can score yourself a starring role in a six-season sitcom.

M U S IC LIV EAB LE C I T Y REV IEW: NI VA C H I T TO C K

If you’re looking for a sun-soaked album to soften the sharp winter afternoons, look no further than Liveable City by Blair Parkes. This effortless sound collection was released mid-June with single “Habit To Break” coming a few weeks earlier as a pre-release. An Ōtautahi native, Parkes first gained an interest in music in the 1980s while at Christchurch Boys’ High. Towards the end of his time there, he was tentatively signed to Flying Nun Records with the band All Fall Down, who first began playing ‘gigs’ in their friend’s garages. His sound has come a long way in the 30-odd years since. Many of us can relate to being in a grassroots Kiwi band (or supporting one, if you’re like me and have zilch musical talent). One thing that hasn’t changed in Parkes’ sound is the resonance with his music. The slightly hazy, New Brighton garage production adds a layer of grit to the polished work. The vocals are clear over the mixture of indie band elements and synthetic sounds. From clanging guitars and a strong drumbeat, the sound is distinctly familiar.

noticeable on title track "Liveable City" and "Our Eyes", these are clearly expressions of particular points in Parkes’ life. It may also be the influence of other well-known acts from Aotearoa and abroad. Parkes’ early influences were the likes of Joy Division, The Clean, The Bats and Split Enz. Being signed to Flying Nun also aided the exposure to other upcoming Kiwi bands, which no doubt further influenced the indie rock genre of Parkes’ music. Later on in his career, Parkes moved away from the soft rock sound towards more electronic means of production, exploring his own vocals and experimenting with a synthesiser. This change of tack prompted his project at the time, Thomas:Parkes, to be selected as the opening act for the South Island leg of The Phoenix Foundation’s 2005 Pegasus tour. This act evolved into L.E.Ds and their sound was strong—some of their biggest tracks being used on Outrageous Fortune and Go Girls.

Maybe it's because over his time as a musician, Parkes has dabbled in vocals, keyboard, guitar and synthesised beats, making him a talented and knowledgeable figure in music. He has played in a plethora of bands, duos and acts, only recently turning to raw solo work.

It is this era that I hear most strongly in Parkes’ latest release, with the album flowing nicely together. It begins off very much like that of an early Phoenix Foundation release, however, retains its own unique combination of rhythm and melody. In tracks “Single Word” and “Hot May Night”, the album twists into something a little darker, a little messier. It finishes up again in a similar sound to the beginning with end track “Bend The Rules”—my favourite of the album. The way it comes full circle makes it dangerously easy to leave the record on repeat—something you will not regret doing. Sit back and soak up some classic Kiwi indie.

Perhaps it is the years of being deeply immersed in the local scene. To date, Parkes has released an incredible 38 singles, albums and EPs (not including this one). You feel that there is a deep connection between the artist and the sound that they’ve put out. Especially

Let it seep into your pores and give you an infectious taste of what seasoned local talent can produce. At the very least, treat yourself to one of Ōtautahi’s finest as they reflect back on distant times. Daydream away, my friend.

Why?

F OOD

An ode to the flatmate who ate this everyday for a week during a third-year slump. We’ve all been there.

I SHOU L DN’ T B E A L I V E N O O D LE S

INGREDIENTS • • • •

instant noodles with sauce, as many packets as you have frozen mixed veg soy sauce egg(s)

CLUES Set egg to boil. Follow packet instructions. Microwave veg. Mix together with sauce. Garnish with de-shelled egg. Serve with herbal tea. BOILING AN EGG You know how to boil an egg but do you know how to get the consistency right? Put this on your fridge. Add large egg to boiling water and cook for preferred time.

MINUTES

CONSISTENCY

Runny yolk. Good for toast soldiers.

Liquid yolk. Perfect.

Almost set and sticky.

Softly set.

Hard boiled, not dry

F O OD MAC ' N' C H E E SE

The hardest part of cooking can be deciding what to cook, and simplicity is easy to overlook: Macaroni is iconic in the realm of comfort food. With a little bit of effort, you can be transported to childhood. We’re not too old for macaroni cheese. It reheats well and travels nicely in a container for lunch the next day. Do you like macaroni baked off in the oven, or straight from the pot? Bread crumbs or nah? These are questions to put to your friends. Serves 3–4 INGREDIENTS • • • • • • • • •

2 Tbsp butter 1 onion, chopped 2 Tbsp standard flour 2 cups milk, heated salt and pepper ½ tsp paprika 2 cups grated tasty cheese 2 cups macaroni 2 Tbsp breadcrumbs

EXTRAS • bacon, and/or mushrooms CLUES Preheat the oven to 190°C Bring water to boil in a saucepan and cook macaroni per packet instructions. If adding protein, fry over medium heat. In a saucepan, melt butter, add onion, and cook on a low heat for ten minutes. Stir in the flour and cook until frothy. Remove from heat and stir in hot milk. Add paprika and salt and pepper to taste. Stir in half of the grated cheese, protein and macaroni. Transfer to ovenproof dish. Mix bread crumbs with remaining cheese, and sprinkle. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden.

2019

Ju ly 8

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Re-set Tuesday 9

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Food Trucks Tim Beaglehole Courtyard 11am–3pm

Thursday 11

Friday 12

Campus Expo The Hub, Kelburn 10am-4pm

Pizza Party w/ Elections NZ Rutherford House, Pipitea 12pm

De-Stress with The Edge 12pm – 2pm The Hub, Kelburn SACHI with Montell2099 The Hunter Lounge 7:30pm R18 Tickets from: justtheticketnz.com

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LAST WEEK'S SOLUTION

CROSSWORD

GOOD NEWS POP QUIZ 1. A couple in Tennessee did what after they noticed a lack of elderly shelter dogs being adopted? 2. Which comedy movie is getting a sequel 15 years after its release? 3. What happened after a young boy with autism flew on an airplane by himself for the time?

DOWN

2. The most used word in this issue 4. Finely ground green tea leaves 6. The main ingredient in a dish titled 'Aloo' 7. The French word for burnt/scorched 9. An instrument or utensil that is used for slicing 11. The town that holds the title for the best fish and chip shop 13. An alternative to the fork and knife 17. Voted the least sexiest fruit of 2019 19. The main ingredient in baba ganoush dip 20. The mixture of liquid, butter, and flour 21. Alcoholic beverage made from fermented rice 22. A lifeline cup for many students 23. A dish made from the heart, lungs, liver and stomach of a sheep 24. A soup often served with a jammy egg 25. Food that can be ordered as separate items, rather than part of a set meal (3 words) 26. Voted the sexiest fruit of 2019

1. Staple for a fundraiser, now comes in vegetarian flavour 2. The vegetarian/vegan alternative to chicken wings 3. The state just before boiling 5. A condiment usually served with chips and wedges 8. The national spirit of America 10. Primary ingredient in guacamole 12. The home of kiwifruit 14. The birthplace of ceviche 15. The fish that caviar comes from 16. An alcoholic, fermented beverage that is made with tea and yeast 18. To let something soak within a liquid

1. They opened up the Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary to care for and help elderly dogs get adopted. 2. White Chicks 3. Threw him a block party and sent him on his dream holiday to Hawaii.

ACROSS

WORD OF THE WEEK: "FOOD" TE REO MÄ&#x20AC;ORI

kai NEW ZEALAND SIGN LANGUAGE

SUDOKU SUDOKU HOW I LOVE YOU AND HATE YOU

EASY PEASY

F*CK YA LIFE UP

Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.50)

6 4

9 8

3 9

4 2 3

1 7

Generated by http://www.opensky.ca/sudoku on Thu Jul 4 04:30:13 2019 GMT. Enjoy!

FOOD WORD SEARCH

(FIND THEM, KIDDOS)

CHEESE CHIPS EGG JACKFRUIT MUSHROOMS NOODLES PALEO SALMON SAUCE SAUSAGE SHAKSHUKA TOMATOES

L O O K AT THE STARS L OO K HO W T HEY S HIN E FO R YO U

LIBRA

ARIES

You as a condiment: Raspberry vinaigrette You as a comfort food: A stick of butter

You as a condiment: Reduced fat sour cream You as a comfort food: Jerk chicken

SCORPIO TAURUS You as a condiment: Gochujang You as a comfort food: A footlong Sub-of-the-day

You as a condiment: Sun-dried tomato hummus You as a comfort food: Creamy mashed potatoes

SAGITTARIUS

GEMINI You as a condiment: Kewpie mayo You as a comfort food: Instant ramen, with two hot packs

You as a condiment: Feijoa chutney You as a comfort food: A whole tub of Hokey Pokey ice cream

CANCER

CAPRICORN

You as a condiment: Honey mustard You as a comfort food: Banana pudding

You as a condiment: Thousand island dressing You as a comfort food: 2 x Mrs Mac’s pies

LEO

AQUARIUS

You as a condiment: Salsa verde You as a comfort food: Poutine

You as a condiment: Chicken salt You as a comfort food: Day-old burrito from Zambrero

PISCES

VIRGO

You as a condiment: Pam’s tomato sauce You as a comfort food: A whole wheel of camembert

You as a condiment: Choc whizz You as a comfort food: Petrol station lasagne toppa

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