April 2016

April 2016

Goodbye Geoff!

Andrew Coyne

Inside the Iggies

Christina Collis interviews our favorite bursar before he retires after serving the college for 25 years.

Kaleem Hawa interviews former National Post collumnist Andrew Coyne.

The TCDS celebrates another sucessful year in style.

Danielle Pal covers the behind the scenes drama.

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pg.

7

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Content

April 2016 A Letter from the Editors p. 2

Features

Alumni Mika Rekai p.3 A Senior Moment Aditya Rau p.4

An Interview With Andrew Coyne by:

Kaleem Hawa

What Was Your Favorite Party?

Sydney Bradshaw p. 5

Kaleem Hawa interviews Andrew Coyne about tribalism, mortality, humour, and of course, Trinity College.

Eating Bugs Claire Shenstone-Harris p. 10

Pg. 7-9

No Chill 2016 Michael Johston p.12 A Controversal TCM Motion Kendra Dempsey p.13 Sex Toys Marissa Martins p. 18

Goodbye Geoff!

by:

Christina Collis

Christina Collis interviews Trinity’s beloved burser on his 26 (plus four) years of service to Trinity College. Geoff Seaborn, you will be missed.

Pg. 24-25

Surviivng First Year Avneet Sharma p. 19 Year 1 in 2 sentances Julianne de Gara p. 20 An Editors’ Note Maddy Torrie p. 21 A Trip into Trinity’s Past Weston Miller p. 22

Inside the Iggies by:

Danielle Pal

Danielle Pal reports from the TCDS red carpet. Actors report on everything from their favorite characters, their experience with the TCDS, and more!

Pg. 14-15

The Mouldy Klam Damian Klambauer p. 23 Trinvoled Rachel Chen p.26

by:

CLOUD 9

Ethan Raymond

OndiFAQ Ondiek Oduor p. 27

Reflections from a reading week making a difference in the Dominican Republic.

Horoscopes Rachel Copp Clark p. 28

Pg. 16-17

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Salterrae • April 2016

Masthead

Editor-in-Chief Madeline Torrie

Director of Communications

Senior Copy Editor Simone Garcia

Senior Design Editor

Claire Shenstone-Harris

Salterrae Executive Copy Editors

Arjun Gandhi

Senior Photographer Nathan Chan Treasurer Rhiannon Langford

Salterrae Contributors Columnists Sydney Bradshaw

Junior Copy Editors Amy Blandford Mira Pijselman

Rachel Copp Clark Julianne de Gara Simone Garcia Damian Klambauer Marissa Martins Ondiek Oduor Aditya Rau

Design Editors

Staff Writers

Sarah Barlow Millman Nikita Gupta Danielle Pal

Amanda La Mantia Terra Morel Adriana Workewych

Junior Design Editor

Rachel Chen Kaleem Hawa Michael Johnston

Writers

Christina Collis Kendra Dempsey Weston Miller Danielle Pal Mika Rekai Avneet Sharma Claire Shenstone-Harris

Photographers and Illustrators Sydney Bradshaw Nathan Chan Ester Dubali Trisha de Souza Amanda La Mantia Abby Lendvai Mirka Loiselle Alexandra Portorero Jenny Qian Claire Shenstone-Harris Madeline Torrie Alexandra Witt

Jenny Qian

Letter From The Editors Talent is cheaper than table salt. –Stephen King High salt intake is a risk factor for osteoporosis because excess dietary sodium promotes urinary calcium loss, leading to calcium loss from bone and therefore decreased bone density. – Joel Furhman So Trinity, the end is in here.

We found out very recently that the Salterrae used to be the printed reject pile of the disbanded, disassociated group-who-must not be named. But like postwar Germany, we certainly have come a long way under the same name. Now, thankfully, we only print the most serious pieces of hard hitting journalism. Nothing is more important in serious times than reminding people that life, youth, and quad party spaces are finite.

Trinity College, welcome to the Salt issue. This issue has been distilled from the finest salts from the sea, from the minerals of the earth, from the sidewalks after an April snow storm, and from tears collected from the rivets in the desks of TC22. This salty mixture was left to ferment during election season, exam season, and hunting season. And today the Salterrae executive is proud to present the non-Kosher, high sodium, saltiest issue yet.

The Editor-in-Chief would like to extend special thanks to Simone Garcia, our Senior Copy editor, for her four years of service to the Salterrae, and Kaleem Hawa for his constantly brilliant interviews. Best of luck to Arjun, who will be serving as Editor-in-Chief next year. We are sure that you and your team will do a wonderful job.

Stay Salty, Madeline Torrie, Simone Garcia & Claire Shenstone-Harris

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Mika Rekai • Alumni Column

Notes from a recent-but-not-so-recent graduate Or don’t take that unpaid internship By: Mika Rekai (1t0)

Trust me, it goes away quickly and you will find out too late there is no other place on earth like Trinity If I could go back in time and say one thing to my Trinity College-aged self it would be this: enjoy it more. I mean it; Trinity College is fucking fun.

I know that it’s very natural for students there to take the whole experience to be very serious, and I got way too involved with the politics of the place. Now that I’m gone, however, I realize that I’ll never be able to do the things I did at Trinity anywhere else. Trinity was the last place I celebrated Guy Fawkes day, it was the last place I chanted and drank under a bridge, and it was the last place where I enjoyed a drunken, boisterous, squalid Christmas feast with hundreds of hedonistic young friends and a handful of old Divs. It was also the last place I was able to get in drunk formal wear without buying a fucking Cuisinart first, but that’s another issue for another day. My point is: You don’t know what you will miss. So stop fussing about whether or not Pon is moral or whether the latest TCM vote was stacked in favour of the motion and just enjoy yourself. Trust me, it goes away quickly and you will find out too late there is no other place on earth like Trinity.

Now that I’ve got that out of me: I’m here to tell you that the world outside isn’t so bad. Well, not for me, per say, but probably for you, Current Student. Back when I graduated, in 2010, the economy was in the pisser and let’s just say much of my graduating class took a while to figure out how to make it all work somehow. I’m almost nostalgic for that time, back when the money you made had nothing to do with the career you were pursuing everyone was a policy intern/nanny or a copywriting intern/barista. But at some point, the rest of the pack found their place and got rid of the “slash”. I imagine the current crop of graduates won’t have slashes for a very long time either. Unless they are stupid enough to do unpaid internships which - please, don’t do unpaid internships. You don’t have to. You shouldn’t have to. And more important than that, it makes you a scab. You don’t want to be a scab do you, Current Student?

I, however, kept my slash. Why? Because for almost three years I was a fucking unpaid intern.

After I graduated Trinity, I decided to take all the experience I gained from being Editor-in-Chief of the Salterrae, (yes, this used to be my house, which is why I am inordinately comfortable here *takes off pants*), and become a real world journalist. Yes, it was very cute of me. I started as an unpaid intern at Canadian Family magazine (since folded) where I fact-checked articles about nipple infections and all the interesting ways that being alive can kill your baby. Craving some harder hitting news, I later moved to a small town in Newfoundland for some proper reporter experience. How did I get this plumb gig? Well, one afternoon at my desk at Canadian Family, I wrote to every small town newspaper in Canada and asked them if they wanted an intern. Terry Roberts, editor of the Carbonear Compass, was the first person to get back to me. He seemed cool and non-murdery, so I packed all my thing into one of my old hockey bags and left. It was a great experience. Because the paper had such a small staff, I was able to report on everything from sports to crime, and from labour disputes to business, and my editor Terry was actually interested in teaching me about how to be a journalist. I still hear his no-time-for-bullshit-voice in my head no matter what I’m writing. “What’s the hook, Mika?” “Set the scene in 20 words or less, Mika.”

“People hate to read, Mika.” “Do you have to use the word ‘that’ so often, Mika.” He was great.

Small town life, however, was kind of a downer.

And I didn’t know anyone. Everyone my age in Carbonear had like 3 children and people looked at you funny when you brought your laptop into Tim Horton’s for “pleasure writing”. So I went home, got dumped by my boyfriend, moved in with my parents, got another unpaid internship and worked at a restaurant until I ran away to Ottawa to do another unpaid internship. Perhaps you can see a pattern here. Unpaid internships, unless they are specifically for Terry Roberts at the Carbonear Compass, are bullshit, and they don’t lead to jobs. In fact, they ensure that the jobs you want will never exist, because you have already proved they can be staffed by people who are willing to work for free. What my unpaid internships did lead to, however, was a very poorly paid internship. In the summer of 2013, I scored a year-long contract with Maclean’s.

While I was qualified to work at Maclean’s, I think it’s only fair to disclose that I only got in the door because the administrative co-ordinator was a

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family friend. That said, I can confidently say I did a good-ass job there. I worked 60 hour weeks, I contributed to every section, I wrote tear-jerking obits and I wrote a headline-grabby article on the Men’s Right Movement that is still one of the most commented on articles on macleans.com. But it wasn’t enough. Journalism - then, as now - was dying. During the year I worked at the magazine, Maclean’s put out so much content: web specials and podcasts and special issues and e-books and, as an after thought, the magazine itself. It was like bailing buckets on the Titanic. Important people were laid off. Brilliant reporters were laid off. They still are being laid off. I’m pretty sure half of the Maclean’s office is now being used by the people who work at the Walmart catalogue.

Needless to say, my contract was not renewed.

What my unpaid internships did lead to, however, was a very poorly paid internship.

Why am I telling you all this shit? Because I want you to know that you can shit the bed multiple times in your life and still be ok. Well, ok-ish. You can fuck up, and make mistakes and be a financial and emotional burden to your friends and family and be ok-ish. You can watch your friends find their way around you and feel left behind but still be ok-ish. I am 28 years old, and I’m starting a new career, from the bottom and I feel ok-ish.

After some freelance jobs, a short stint as news editor at the world’s worst magazine, some soul searching and a lot of ugly crying, I decided to leave journalism for good two years ago, and explore writing for television. I did not know how to start a career as a television writer, and I was frankly, wearing of taking big risks, so I got a job at a café and wrote. I wrote one pilot - it was shit, and then I wrote another, which was good. I met someone at the cafe who chatted with me about my goals and he put me in touch with a friend of his who is in “the business”. He encouraged me to go back to school. Two weeks ago, I graduated from the Toronto Film School with three more pilots, a feature, a handful of shorts and an independently produced web-series called AntiSocial, which will be coming to the web in early May. I have yet to earn any money for this, and continue to work in a cafe. I am a Writer/ Barista. And for now, that’s ok. Ish.

Salterrae • April 2016

A Senior Moment By: Aditya Rau Illustration: Jenny Qian

Over the past few weeks, I have been having a senior moment. As classes wind down and the arrival of deadlines drives us into a caffeine-inspired frenzy, nostalgia has begun to creep on to campus and into Trinity. Echoes of “We own that!” and “You’re not a real College” drift in and out of earshot as I cross campus. And, at Trinity, events such as Deports remind me how fortunate I have been to be a part of a community that is as quirky, as brilliant and as inspiring as ours. Of course, nostalgia loves company. And, after much swiping right, I have found the perfect match - yet another senior moment. Does this mean I am now having a threesome? Regardless, this second senior moment has caused me to reflect on how far we have come as a community since my first year in 2012 — from fighting for a system of campus politics that is fair and equitable to bringing about greater gender equity at Trinity. This community has a strong attachment to its traditions yet it is no stranger to change. Over four years and countless conversations with students, it is clear that all Trinitrons believe in the adage: “to improve is to change; to perfect is to change often”.

We have accomplished much. Yet there remains much to accomplish. This, my final piece in this esteemed publication, is the remainder of my incomplete to-do list. I hope you will consider some of these proposals, add your own and continue to make Trinity better.

1. Community Meetings Over the last two years, we have seen an increase in Town Hall-style meetings. These meetings provide a venue for us to engage with issues that are critical to our public discourse — from accessibility to racism to sexual assault. They offer students an opportunity to acknowledge challenges, share thoughts and generate ideas. However, far too often, it is the same group of community members that gather together to complete this exercise — students. My four years at Trinity have been shaped by the belief that our community succeeds because it involves the active participation of all its members — students, staff, administration and alumni. Why is such broad participation important? Consider that upon my scaling the walls of

Welch to hide a keg from the Assistant Dean, my fellow Heads and I were chastised by staff and lauded by alumni. It is the mosaic of perspectives and insights that keeps our community balanced and our experiences in perspective.

Community meetings would allow us to institutionalize what makes Trinity best — a community of people both inside and outside the College walls that care deeply about the student experience. Thus, I would advocate for a semi-annual community meeting, to which all community members are invited and in which they can actively participate.

2. Middle Common Room The places that enable community members to meet are also very important. As the distribution of space currently exists, undergraduates are confined to the JCR while Fellows and faculty use the SCR. Students and faculty are provided with limited opportunities to interact — subject specific high tables, “Who’s That Fellow?” programming or low tables are the extent to which such interactions are facilitated. Attendance at these events is often by invitation or is simply just low.

During a recent conversation with a Faculty member, I was struck by her remark that a desire for greater student-faculty interaction is shared by both student and faculty alike. However, she noted that a major barrier to this was a lack of space that invited such interactions. No Trinity student will want to nap or play “The Floor Is Lava” in the JCR in the presence of a Fellow; and no Fellow may wish to unwind in the presence of boisterous students.

A Middle Common Room (MCR) would create a specific space that enables greater student-faculty interaction. Curated by both students and faculty alike, and open at all times to both groups, such a space is integral to achieving the College’s goal of putting people, place and program first.

In order to cultivate smart and sensitive leaders, we need to create opportunities for such growth to take place. A Middle Common Room offers

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us an opportunity to continue to foster academic achievement and excellence, while also enabling mentorship or conversations with a wide variety of academics that will leave us thinking.

3. Better Support for Graduating Students At the core of Trinity is a commitment to putting students first. This has certainly been the case over my four years - from the implementation of new academic programs to increased financial support for students to supporting the whole person through the new Anne Steacy Counselling Initiative. Trinity can be a pressure cooker. As such, support networks that allow for academic as well as personal growth are critical to building a community where leaders come to learn. Thus, it seems logical that the majority of the administration’s efforts are concentrated on supporting Trinity students over their four years at the College While this is an important priority, it should not come at the cost of a lack of support for graduating students. When I decided to apply to graduate school, I found that there were no programs in place or particular people I could reach out to. Instead, I had to reach out to a Don and ask for support. There needs to be greater support for graduating students beyond simply sending emails that alert them to potential scholarships. And, on the topic of scholarships, a greater number of graduating scholarships with fewer restrictions will go a long way in enabling senior students to pursue ambitious goals.

In his remarks following the United States Supreme Court ruling on marriage quality, President Obama stated, “Progress on this journey often comes in small increments, sometimes two steps forward, one step back, propelled by the persistent effort of dedicated citizens.” I have no doubt that the to-do list will always remain incomplete, punctuated by new and necessary ideas. We have a responsibility to participate in the contest if we wish to lift the crown up high together.

Sydney Bradshaw • What Your Favorite Trin Event Says About You

#tbt

What Your Favorite Trin Event Says About You We’ve arrived at the weirdest time of the year. As I write this, we are at the tail end of elections season, the weather leaves something to be desired, and there has not been a big event since Conversat. Sure, we’ve had St. Patrick’s Day and the odd res party to keep us satiated, but we’re all ready for something a little more satisfying before exams crush our souls. I am talking, of course, about Quad party, the infamous mess of mud and beer that marks the end of the social calendar at Trin. But before we start frothing at the mouths, we should look back at what has been an incredible year of debauchery and shenanigans. Since this is Trinity College, I have decided to undergo this #tbt with our favourite thing ever – A LIST - but with a slight twist.

So, dear readers, continue on and discover what your favourite Trinity event says about who you are as a person.

I hate to break it to you, but there is a really good chance you are a basic bitch.

Frosh Week You are an optimist who loves a fresh start. You are also probably perseverant, able to go days on end with a lack of sleep and a lot of booze. Enthusiastic and slightly insane, you are a ball of energy and the type of person who LOVES meeting as many new people as possible – even if you never speak to them again.

Themed Buttery Pub Nights These parties require a costume, and if the idea of putting together a clever ensemble fills you with excitement rather than dread, you are certainly in a league of your own. Creative and a bit on the whimsical side,

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By Sydney Bradshaw Photographs by: Sydney Brashaw, Jenny Qian & Nathan Chan

Salterrae • April 2016

you are likely nerdy and have awesome cosplay abilities. You are also dramatic and enjoy being the center of attention. You probably can be found in the middle of the dance floor all night, singing at the top of your lungs.

without your eyebrows ~on fleek~. Your ability to look put-together at all times incites awe and jealousy in turn, but just because you make it look easy doesn’t mean it is easy – you work hard to maintain your reputation.

Saints

Rounds

You are a philanthropist with a low-key vibe; you would rather dress up and sip on a cleverlynamed cocktail than double-fist rum and coke

You are a social butterfly who enjoys the intimacy of a small dorm room more than any dance floor.

People naturally flock to you for advice, support and a good time. You are probably also into fancy alcoholic beverages, and enjoy sampling drinks from different rooms or creating your own concoctions. If not chatting in a room or relaxing on the couch of a common room, you are outside smoking and trying to convince the security guards that you can keep it down.

in a sweaty mob of dancing. And because the event will inevitably be cut short by an ambulance/fire alarm/natural disaster, you get to go to bed before midnight – and you are not even mad about it.

Bubbly I hate to break it to you, but there is a really good chance you are a basic bitch. You enjoy sparkly things – dresses, jewelry, drinks – and you will likely spend most of the evening posing with friends, laughing candidly to get that perfect, Insta-worthy shot. However, you are more than meets the eye. You are also ruthless, as evidenced by your determination to get a spot on the sign-up at all costs, and your impressive ability to down as much champagne as possible before it’s all gone.

The Athletic You are easy-going, relaxed, and capable of downing an impressive amount of beer. You love The Athletic because you get to have a good time without worrying about getting your nice clothes/costume covered in sweat, booze and pizza crumbs. For the vast majority of the night you will be hanging around the DJ, with friends and enjoying the glory of wearing pants with an elastic waistband to a party.

Conversat You are a bit of a control freak. From your outfit to your hair to your date, you want everything to be perfect. The epitome of class, you wouldn’t be caught dead gyrating on the dance floor or

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The Iggies You are a drama kid who enjoys getting fancy, and getting drunk.

Elections Season You are the worst.

Quad Party You are the best, illicit substances in your system and all.

For the vast majority of the night you will be hanging around the DJ, with friends and enjoying the glory of wearing pants with an elastic waistband to a party.

Kaleem Hawa• An Interview with Andrew Coyne

Eschew Tribalism, Embrace Mortality, An Interview with and Laugh Andrew Coyne

By Kaleem Hawa “One of the things that I’ve certainly noticed is that when someone condescends to you, it usually means they have no idea what they’re talking about. The people who really know what they’re talking about, they remain humble in the face of a problem’s complexity, of its nuance.”

Andrew Coyne is no stranger to criticism. A sober voice in a national conversation increasingly dominated by partisanship and vitriol, his reflections on satire, on journalism, and on politics inform a crisp writing and sharp intellect. He has served as a syndicated columnist with the National Post for 18 years, having written for The Globe and Mail before that. His thoughts on Canada’s polity are read by thousands every week.

I meet Coyne in a bustling coffee shop in Summerhill. A smile to the waitress, a nod to a patron walking past – it’s clear he’s a regular. I decide to begin the interview with little fanfare. Asking him how he withstands what can seem like a toxic environment in online theatres often bent on destruction, Coyne’s calm response betrays no weariness.

“It takes experience. You have to ask yourself, ‘do I know this person, do I respect them?’ If the answer is no on both counts, then why care what they think of you? In a way, people often disqualify themselves by virtue of their preference for personal attacks.”

Such phenomena come with the territory in political journalism. “It is fascinating: if you go on Twitter, the vast majority of the negativity that you see isn’t engaging with the argument itself, it’s sole intention is to say the most hurtful thing possible. And so while social media is new and and has had a huge run these last five years, I think

we really need to take a minute and reassure ourselves that Twitter simple doesn’t matter. A big part of this business is standing back and saying ‘so what?’ Of taking apart the myths and preconceptions that people so often embrace.”

That’s Coyne. Articulate, intelligent, and confident. And with that, we dive in. *** Be it Resolved That Everything I Learned, I Learned from Trinity College. It was March 18th 2015 and Coyne was speaking alongside Hannah Sung, David Bowden, and this columnist at the Lit’s ‘Distinguished Alumni Debate.’ Coyne, who

“This was a huge part of Trinity’s culture. We valued satire and we tolerated human frailty.” is a big believer in the restorative power of humour, debated for the Opposition. Naturally.

“I remember the Lit fondly, a very uniquely Trinity thing.” Matter-of-fact as always, Coyne adds, “they’re the only debating society I know of that only debates silly nonsense.”

But it’s clear this more than just a passing interest for him. “If I could have made a career just making people laugh, I think that would be a wonderful way to make a living. While at Trin-

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ity, I played a few sports, some hockey. I didn’t do the journalism thing. But I did a lot of comedy and sketch shows. I was at that time in a period of blind worship for Beyond the Fringe, which was the comedy troupe before Monty Python. They did comedy in a very different way – not as wild or zany – but very much rooted in real life. And so I sort of emulated that while at Trinity.”

Coyne continues, “I remember getting involved early on with the theatre crowd at the TCDS. In fact, at the very beginning we were hanging out in the Quad during orientation week, and after chatting for a while, they tell me that they haven’t finished casting the Orientation Week play, which that year was The Real Inspector Hound by Tom Stoppard. They tell me ‘you’d be perfect for a role we have in this play. It is for a character called Higgs – we think you’d be perfect for it!’ So being fresh off the turnip truck, I say ‘gosh, you think so?’”

“As it turns out, the part of Higgs was a dead body.”

Coyne grins, “It was a murder mystery. So my role was to play a lifeless form for two hours. Which, let me tell you, is actually much harder than it looks. You had to remain inert, and I think the director wanted me to have my eyes open at the moment of death for greater realism or something.

So I had to lie on the ground for two hours and I remember the first time I did it in rehearsals – if you can call them that – I looked like I had gone ten rounds with The Champ.”

“In hindsight, I feel like I should have been insulted by all this.”

But for Coyne, the underlying notion of humour

Salterrae • April 2016 merits an exploration. “It is a fascinating space because nobody quite knows why people laugh.

And often the most satisfying humour is when you cannot explain why it is funny. It is a deep mystery to explore – and the adrenaline rush that comes from making an audience laugh is truly hard to replicate.”

Coyne’s coffee arrives. “There’s a reason why people are drawn to humour. In my view, the really important political divide in our world is not between left and right, but between people who have a sense of humour and those who don’t. Because that betrays a whole worldview.”

Coyne grows serious. “I think all humour basically stems from the One Big Joke, which is that we’re all going to die. So the fact that you’re born, you work, you sweat, you strive, you struggle, and just when you’re finally beginning to figure it out, you snuff it. That is either a terrible tragedy and an injustice or it’s this big joke that God is playing on us all. My personal theory is that everything we think of as humour ultimately derives from that.

A sense of humour implies a willingness to come to terms with the imperfections of the universe – a willingness to live with those imperfections.”

“This was a huge part of Trinity’s culture. We valued satire and we tolerated human frailty. But I think we are rapidly in danger of losing this.

Humourless people abound. People are going to make mistakes, they’re going to say the wrong thing. We have to give them the benefit of the doubt more often. It has begun to feel like we have a permanent hectoring mob, ready to descend on anyone who strays from the orthodoxy, even if the orthodoxy is sound.”

Coyne smiles, “that is not a world I want to live in. I would like to live in a world which permits people to be unsound.” *** “I remember being on Philosopher’s Walk and looking at the back of the campus and seeing all this greenery around me and thinking ‘I am living in a national park.’ I was in this unbelievably glorious setting, surrounded by all these impressive students, and I remember writing home to my mother in a daze and saying that ‘everyone here is smarter than me.’ It was invigorating.”

Coyne grew up in Winnipeg. “I initially went to the University of Manitoba, for no particular reason other than that was where my friends were. I did two years there and got involved with the student newspaper. I wound up becoming the Editor, in what would be a very intense year, and it was a lot of fun. At the end of it, it just felt kind of odd going back to being just a student again so perhaps I had a bit of an inner compass telling me to move on.”

“The residence experience was like being dropped into the middle of an eccentric cult” Coyne laughs, “I asked around about where I should go. My siblings – I have four older brothers and sisters – had all gone to Queen’s, but for some reason, none of them recommended I go there. Probably because they were worried I was going to ruin their rep.”

“But my sister knew some people who had gone to Trinity and she had a sense that it might be a good place for me. So I applied and I was admitted and it turned out to be a great fit. I came in as a third year academically, a second year by age (Manitoba didn’t have Grade 13), and a first year in terms of social status.”

Coyne smiles, “I took to it like a fish to water. It was a completely different experience. At the University of Manitoba, it was commuter-focused.

You would come to campus, take your classes, and go home. Whereas now at Trinity I was immersed; the residence experience was like being dropped into the middle of an eccentric cult.”

“The thing I always found most appealing about the college was its culture of eccentricity – that kids who would be misfits anywhere else got to be stars at Trinity. I think this is one of the best things about it. And I credit that in part to all the crazy old traditions and customs, which have likely fallen by the wayside by now.”

Coyne, inadvertently striking at the heart of Trinity’s current ennui, continues. “I always felt that fitting in at Trinity was a bit of a self-selection process. There were three types of Trinity stu-

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dents in my estimation, each defined by how they responded to these traditions. There was the one group that would say in an affected British accent ‘oh isn’t this marvelous, this is exactly the kind of fake Oxford experience I’ve been looking for.’

There was a second group who would say ‘this doesn’t make any sense, how is this going to get me a job?’ And then there was the third group, whose response was ‘okay this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it doesn’t have to. It’s kind of funny, it sets us apart, and it is all a piece of the mystery that makes this place great.’ I think the people who understood this ended up defining the quirky and eccentric culture that made the place so great.”

Coyne’s order arrives, an unsweetened yogurt and granola. “But another part of what made Trinity special was the people – all the people who were brighter than me, better educated than me, better read, better dressed. If you had any inflated ideas about yourself coming in, they would get knocked down in no time – something which is always useful. And it wasn’t just that, there were many people who had a very strong sense of what they wanted to do in life, people with quite ambitious goals. Unlike me at the time.”

Coyne, an 8T3 graduate whose contemporaries at Trinity included Malcolm Gladwell, Jim Balsillie, Atom Egoyan, and Nigel Wright, unsurprisingly eschews the era’s colloquial ‘Golden Age’ moniker.

“I’m tempted to think that everyone who is at the College at a certain time thinks they’re in the

Kaleem Hawa• An Interview with Andrew Coyne golden age. If anything, it just goes to show the caliber of Trinity’s graduates. Atom was a year ahead of me. Nigel and Jim and Malcolm were a year behind me. Atom was certainly a star at the time, making films and writing plays while he was in college. Malcolm started up a one-man journal called Ad Hominem which was a sort of compilation of his political writings. Nigel was universally well-regarded around the college as being a standup guy. And Jim, we would tease Jim quite a bit, not necessarily in a harsh way, but people would just have fun.”

“It was a wild time. I certainly remember the hall parties, the traditions, the cake fights, and pooring outs.” Breaking out of the reverie, Coyne pauses.

“Though as I understand it, pooring out has become basically pointless – there’s no physical violence at all, right? Doesn’t that completely miss the point?” *** The conversation turns to Coyne’s career as a journalist, columnist, polemicist, and challenger of the status quo. But his origin story defies expectations.

“I’d say blind luck would be the starting point.

I began at The Manitoban while in university.

After that, I got a summer job at the Winnipeg Sun, which was this quirky little paper started on a dime by some local people. At the start, it only published three times a week – so you’d work one day and go to the pub on the next.”

Coyne laughs, “you could say this would start a pattern that would be repeated throughout my career.”

“I can say with some confidence that it was also the last serious paper in North America that still used typewriter and paper. I know I’m blowing your mind here, but it used to be that if you wanted to rearrange the paragraphs in your story, you would rip the the paper up, tape it back together again, and hand it to somebody who would retype it all. This was actually a very useful exercise because it forced you to compose the sentence in your head before committing it to paper. I think it made for clearer writing.”

Coyne stops himself. “Or more creative writing…

Because if you typed the wrong letter, you’d need to find a new word that started with that letter and adapt to the changing circumstances.”

Coyne continues, “so, anyways, I worked a couple summers there on general assignment – a lot of car crashes, a lot of fires, a few stories on childhood diseases. It would really make you cynical; I remember my editor saying one time, ‘for this one, I want tears.’ After that, it was time to move on.”

“People are going to make mistakes, they’re going to say the wrong thing. We have to give them the benefit of the doubt more often.”

“So Plan A was that I would win the Rhodes Scholarship. But by some clerical error, I was denied that prize and I didn’t really have a Plan B. And so my father was saying that if I didn’t have anything else, I would be off to law school. So I went and studied economics at the LSE; it seemed nice because it was in England, which was sort of like going to Oxford. That was the extent I thought that through.”

Upon returning to Canada, Coyne applied to write for the Financial Post, which was then a standalone business paper that came out once a week. “It was a great experience. It was like doing another degree. So I had to take all this economic theory I had learned and apply it to the actual events of the day. And by luck, it was a very fertile time in terms of the big issues – I was immediately plunged into NAFTA, the GST, transport deregulation. All these economic issues came to head and I got to review them in my journalism.”

When the Financial Post went daily, Coyne used that as an opportunity to ask to write a column.

He never looked back.

Reflecting on his career in journalism, Coyne continues. “I was certainly influenced by certain writers: Michael Kinsley, for instance, who was one of the great American journalists of the time.

He was an excellent editor and really had a sense of what made an interesting article. But, more importantly, he wrote with great humour and with unpredictable, yet somehow consistent, ideology.”

To Coyne, this is not contradiction. “My view is that if you are genuinely consistent, you will actually end up being quite hard to categorize.

Because what we think of as ideologies (left and right) don’t actually have a lot of internal consistency; they are views that have sort of been congealed together in an effort at forming a tribal allegiance. People’s natural tendency is to identify with tribes and usually achieve this through conscious distinctions. It becomes a very convenient thing, because you suddenly know what you

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think about every issue. It’s like a cable box. But I find, if you’re actually trying to piece it together issue by issue, remaining consistent will leave you sounding quite heterodoxical in the traditional political arena.”

This informs his philosophy. “My ideal is: I want people to start reading my work saying ‘oh, I wouldn’t have expected him to say that’ and end the piece by saying ‘oh no, I get it, that fits totally with what he believes.’ So one of my general theories on this is that you have to start from an understanding that no one has to read your work and that most of them won’t.”

He has an example. “If you sit on an airplane and watch the attendants handing out the papers, it is fascinating because you get to watch people actually read. And maybe you’re in the paper that day. And you watch the people flip past your page or start reading the article and quickly turn the page. It is an incredibly useful, humbling experience. Nobody owes you the two minutes it takes to read your column. If you’re not conscious of that as a writer – if you think you’re doing them some sort of favour and that they’re all sitting around waiting for you to pronounce on an issue – then you’re out of your mind. People have so many other things to do with their time, and so if you can persuade a small minority of them to follow your work, then that is a good day’s work.”

These reflections on tribalism, politics, and engaging Canada’s polity are particularly resonant to our modern society. “Most of my colleagues give the advice to political parties that they need to move to the middle. That they need to bleach out every little thing that makes them distinctive.

Whether on the right or the left, they say ‘just move to the middle because that’s where the vote is.’ Which is arithmetically true, but sort of misses the point.”

Coyne smiles, “the middle is not some sort of Greenwich Meridian that is fixed and immutable.

It moves. And it moves because people persuade other people that certain things matter. Once upon a time balancing the budget was an unimaginably right wing thing to do, then it became orthodoxy for everyone, and now it is controversial again. Everyone told Justin Trudeau that running a deficit would be political suicide, but he decides to run a deficit and goes on to win the election. It just goes to show that a lot of those fixed verities turn out not to be true if you are entrepreneurial about it. In an ideal world, people would try and reason these issues out from first principles.”

Whether we will get to that point is hard to say.

But in the interim, it strikes this columnist that it would be a better world if we all embraced what is clearly a personal obligation for Coyne.

Don’t forget to laugh.

Salterrae • April 2016

Eating Bugs to Save the World

By Claire Shenstone-Harris In February outside Strachan Hall, the U of T group Bug Bites gave out cookies made with cricket flour. Though mostly positive, students had mixed reactions, and many questions about how the cookies were made, and why we were promoting insects as food. Here is a little history on entomophagy (eating bugs), and several reasons why we should all be doing it.

Humans across the globe have been eating bugs for thousands of years. Northern hunter-gatherers survived off of bugs 10,000 years ago, and cicadas were an Ancient Greek delicacy. Eating beetles, locusts, and grasshoppers is even encouraged in the Old Testament. Although 2 billion people across the world still eat bugs, Westerners perceive the practise as primitive and, simply put, revolting. Yes, a lot of insects look like creepy aliens scuttling around with too many legs, and admittedly I used to find the idea of crunching on whole insects gag-worthy. But shouldn’t we be more disgusted by processed foods, where we don’t know half of the chemicals on the ingredients lists or even the factory processes involved?

Eating bugs may be seen as “primitive,” but these cultures sure have a better idea of what is in their food than we do.

Also, why are we disgusted by the thought of eating bugs, yet we happily pay a premium to eat underwater insects dipped in butter? Lobsters and crabs, just like many other insects, are also arthropods – they have an exoskeleton and numerous legs.

“Gram for gram, crickets pack more than double the protein of beef, pork and chicken, and provide more iron, magnesium, vitamins and essential amino acids.”

Illustration: Trisha De Souza Insects are traditional food in many African, Asian, indigenous and Latin-American cultures.

Japan’s aquatic fly larvae is a specialty sautéed with sugar and soy sauce. Bali enjoys de-winged dragonflies boiled with garlic and ginger in coconut milk. Grubs are delicacies in certain parts of Australia. Latin-American culture savours ants, the agave worm, cicadas, and fire-roasted tarantulas. Today, humans eat insects mostly in tropical areas where harvesting is easier since insects are generally larger, congregate in bigger groups, and can be found year-round. Often referred to in legends, bugs are not just used in food, but also for decorating, entertainment, and medicine.

In Western cultures, bugs seemingly have no purpose. They are viewed as nuisances. We imagine creepy legs, wasps hovering too close to our faces, flies eating our food, cockroach infestations, uncontrollable termites destroying houses, diseases and itchy bug bites. Yet few people realize that most insects are both the foundations of our ecosystems and beneficial to our health, making them undeserving of their generalized stereotype as disgusting. There are currently 1,462 recorded species of edible insects.

“They can live off organic waste products. Imagine if we could use all the leftover Strachan waste to feed our food supply!”

How did we go from once eating insects to now finding them repulsive? What has changed in our culture?

With the shift to sedentary agriculture, insects became the enemy: destroyers of food, rather than food themselves. They began to be seen as threats and pests to food production. Once humans were able to store food, undomesticated livestock like bugs was less necessary.

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Urbanization has also estranged us from nature, making us ignorant or dismissive of many plants and animals. Insect eating culture is disappearing in areas that have become either urbanized or Westernized. Locust consumption is disappearing in Westernized areas of the Fertile Crescent, where people have eaten them for millennia.

“Why are we disgusted by the thought of eating bugs, yet we happily pay a premium to eat underwater insects dipped in butter?”

So, why should we be eating bugs anyway? Well, here are a few reasons: 1. Insects are low in fat, but high in protein, minerals, vitamins, and all essential amino acids. They also have high levels of omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids. Since one eats every part of an insect - including the flesh, organs and exoskeleton - they are high in micronutrients. Gram for gram, crickets pack more than double the protein of beef, pork and chicken, and provide more iron, magnesium, vitamins and essential amino acids.

2. To save the planet, duh. And/or deal with the looming global food crisis. Bugs require fewer resources to sustain themselves than traditional livestock, so they have a significantly lower carbon footprint. Bugs are cold-blooded, getting heat from their surrounding environment, so they don’t need food to stay warm, unlike warm-blooded mammals.

“Raw fish used to be perceived as untouchable, and now sushi joints are as common as Tim Hortons.”

Claire Shenstone-Harris • Eating Bugs to Save the World Saving Resources: - Insects take very little space to farm, and can even be stacked horizontally unlike large animals.

- No pesticides, hormones, antibiotics, or veterinary bills are needed.

-Cows take 2 years to grow into adulthood, but crickets only take 8 weeks, saving resources, time and space.

-They can live off organic waste products. Imagine if we could use all the leftover Strachan waste to feed our food supply!

-Gram for gram, cows produce 100 times more methane than insects.

-Crickets require 12 times less food than cattle to produce the same amount of protein, and half the amount of food than pork or chicken.

-Crickets require 12 times less water than cattle to produce the same amount of protein, and four times less than chicken (100 gallons of water will produce 71g of cricket protein, and only 6g of beef protein).

-Crickets produce virtually no waste when processed as food since all of their parts are used, unlike the meat industry.

-Per pound, crickets consume significantly less water and feed resources: -1lb of beef takes 25 lbs of feed and nearly 2000 gallons of water.

Bugs are healthier than other meat, for you, and the environment. Some of you may think, “I’m vegan, I already have an alternative protein source.” Well, sorry to break it to you, but soy is still bad for the environment. It requires massive amounts of water and sucks the nutrients from the soil, leading to erosion.

Where does one even buy edible insects? Bug Bites buys their crickets from Next Millennium Farms – North America’s largest producer, situated in Campbellford, Ontario. The crickets are kept in open tubs on shelves (escapes are rare since they generally only jump when disturbed).

They are killed with dry ice, and then ground into flour, or can be roasted and eaten whole. They have a pleasant, flaky texture and a nutty flavour.

The biggest current drawback to eating bugs?

The price. A pound of cricket flour costs roughly $40 because the current demand is too low to be produced on a mass-market scale. Next Millennium Farms suggests lowering its costs by switching feed from grain to agricultural and pre-consumer waste, such as unsold produce from grocery stores. This would not only lower the price, but would further lower the carbon footprint by saving resources and reducing waste.

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“Shouldn’t we be more disgusted by the amount of processed foods, where we don’t know half of the chemicals on the ingredients lists or even the factory processes involved?”

With a larger entomophagy movement and higher demand, prices could become more affordable.

And though some find insects disgusting, tastes can change. Raw fish used to be perceived as untouchable, and now sushi joints are as common as Tim Hortons. Even when the potato was introduced to Europe in the 16th century, its odd “freakish” appearance was a turn-off and was thought to carry syphilis and leprosy. Attitudes can change, and hopefully our western attitude towards eating insects will too.

Salterrae • April 2016

NO CHILL Dishing Salt

By: Michael Johnston Illustration: Amanda La Mantia

Another year goes by, another set of dreams die.

Another 8 months of drama-filled angst is coming to an end. Here we will look back with nostalgia on this past year with the fondest of memories.

Actually, scrap that. Everyone here has literally no chill.

See Urban Dictionary entry: No Chill /noun/ def. People who have “no chill” or who have lost their “chill” have effectively lost their ability to act in a rational manner.

Could not have put it better myself, Mr. CSaw16 on August 16, 2014.

Here is a brief but not so brief summary of this past year’s crazy events in the form of a LI(S) T, featuring many shoutouts (a quote-unquote, “who’s who”) to our most infamous Social Trin membership-toting colleagues**:

Rest In Peace you sons of bitches Let’s take a journey back, all the way *Back to the Summer of ’1-5* where the 1T9s dreams of college life were soon to become reality at the start of their next four years at Trinity.

August 2015 Paragraph Lost: The next instalment in a series of “lost” things at Trinity college: sanity, dignity, Conversat loan, and a Speaker’s Chair.

Absolute anarchy ensues, and Keyboard Warriors (cc. Bardia Monavari) scold Frosh saying, as a privileged white male if you ever think of commenting that way again, don’t! A truly welcoming environment created even before the year starts! Go Trin.

September 2015 What better way to kick off the year than a Trintercontinental Journey highlighted by Trinity’s Very Own paparazzi snorting bath salts?

This voyage encountered quite a bit of turbulence along the way, including but not limited to, the breaking of another College’s GoPro camera, the brawl over another College’s parade sign, and the

theft of our College’s precious mitre. Godbless The Kale-em Hawa for securing the area and chasing after the rascals that assailed our 100th Bishop Katie “It’s pronounced Fetts” Fettes.

October 2015 First there was the attempted impeachment of Maddy Torrie, Editor-in-Chief of the evercontroversial socio-political commentary student newspaper The Salterrae, for a notorious, unsanctioned editor’s note. Avneet Sharma breaks his foot “climbing the Buttery stairs” to “NRAC Halloween” that happened on a “Thursday night.” Never-mind, some Trinitrons might not see the message.

November 2015 Ah, Saints. Where, contrarily, sleepless sinners sin in broad daylight because of all those free drink tickets. I mean, wait; this was for charity, right?

LOL. And oh, look! The fire alarm tradition is continued yet again! At least there were no ambulances and unintended stair descents *cough Phil Schwarz* this time around!

December 2015 Bubbly, while meant to be a classy cocktail soiree, was anything but. Magnums were quickly depleted and were replaced by bubble-induced vomit all over the Seeley Hall floor. Here’s looking at you, Allegra Wiesenfeld. In other news, Katrina Li cancels Christmas.

January 2016 “New Year, New Me!” proclaimed every basic white girl on social media, perpetuating the horrors of privilege. Everyone’s behaviour at The Athletic one week into the new semester would contradict their previous statements. Same you, same hook-up, same sweaty mess. But don’t worry, we’ve all been there.

February 2016 Controversial Ncomics populated the interweb.

The 133rd Conversazione brought the quirky charm of Wes Anderson to a transformed

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Strachan Hall, and Trinity’s most illustrious members are transformed into vomiting, fetalposition blobs of self-pity. Post-Reading Week, the Heads Team fades into the oblivious: “Has anyone got a confirmed visual on Ben Horvath in the last 7 weeks?”

March 2016 The winter season is coming to an end, but alas, the NO CAMPAIGNING season begins. iMac stolen. Demerit points issued in abundance.

Attempt to rename Equity Committee, to the Personal Grievance and Slander Accusation Committee. A whirlwind of a month that ends in the desegregated Puberty TCM is greatly anticipated after Welch becomes desegregated at the *actual* TCM! Radical change for spring?

Groundbreaking.

People who have “no chill” or who have lost their “chill” have effectively lost their ability to act in a rational manner.

April 2016: Quad Party happens as it always does.

(Some people even got banned!) Except, its ~*~*Green*~*~ this year! Many thanks go out to the New TCES for all their support in making this happen. Chips and all party snacks that come in containers (literally everything edible ever) are criminalized by the real TCES. Substances are abused and used. Memories made and forgotten by the time the JAP (that is Junior Arts Patron people!) party ends. Fire Alarm #6 of the Year: Kendra Dempsey spotted without eyebrows on.

Congrats to all of you who somehow survived yet another year in this clinically insane place.

And congrats to those who got into Oxford, like literally all of 1T6 holy shit calm down. And congrats to those who didn’t. You’ve still got a whole life of mundane middle-management office jobs ahead of you!

Rest In Peace you sons of bitches. Happy Summer!

Kendra Dempsey •My Thoughts on the TCM

Trinity, get your *~CHILL~* back!

Kendra Dempsey

Trinity, you know I love dogs. And I’m pretty sure most of you love dogs, too. So, please take a break from your regularly scheduled programming and enjoy these adorable little sweet babies. Stop stressing out so much about exams and jobs and elections and whether or not 42 is actually the meaning of life and breathe. Trinity its time to get your chill back.

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Salterrae • April 2016

THE

IGGIES

UNFORTUNATELY LEONARDO DICAPRIO GOT SNUBBED ONCE AGAIN WRITTEN BY DANIELLE PAL, INTERVIEWS BY ETHAN RAYMOND AND GRAYDON KELCH What is an Iggy?

Iggy Azalea? Iggy Pop? Iggy from Maximum Ride (James Patterson’s marvelous teen-fiction series)?

To those involved with the TCDS, an Iggy means so much more than distant pop culture characters.

An Iggy, and the Iggies, represents a celebration and recognition of their hard work, teamwork, and dedication to the four TCDS productions this year: The Winter’s Tale, The Actor’s Nightmare & Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You (AN & SMIEIA), Rope, and Cabaret.

This year’s reception featured a red carpet, and the Salterrae interviewed and photographed some of the TCDS’s most dedicated members.

Rachel Hart, winner, runner up, and inspiration for the inaugural Rachel Hart award, recalls her extensive involvement with three out of the four performed TCDS plays this year.

“Working with the teams of The Actor’s Night-

mare, Cabaret, and The Winter’s Tale was delightful. All of the Trin shows were an absolute delight to work with.” In particular, Hart felt a strong connection to her role as Sally in Cabaret, to which she received an Iggy for Best Actress in this role: “Cabaret is very near and dear to me because Sally was such a phenomenal character to play… she’s crazy.” When asked if Rachel felt she was “crazy” as well, she responds: “I am, yes.

I think we all are. But there were so many layers to her character that I feel I could play her for years, and still not even scrape the surface. And the fact that I got to dance and sing as well was a treat. It doesn’t get any better.”

Hart further reveals the emotional connectivity that many actors of the TCDS have felt after performing in roles that they strongly identified with: “I’ve never cried after a production. But after I performed the final scene of Sally in Cabaret, I was a mess.”

Hart was not the only person to cry after Caba-

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ret. James Hyett, who was nominated for an Iggy for his role as Henry Irving/Aloysius Benheim in AN & SMIEIA, sat in the audience for Cabaret, and cried for half an hour after the show as well.

Hyett publically apologized afterwards in a Facebook note, writing, “If my tears weren’t evidence enough, or if you didn’t see them, I love you all.

PS I’m really sorry for getting snot and tears on everyone’s clothes, or if you all get bedbugs or whatever I don’t know what was in that couch.”

Hyett’s involvement with AN & SMIEIA was an experience quite the contrary to Cabaret. Him and fellow cast members Eiléanór O’Halloran, Katerina Hatzinakos, and Winston Sullivan recall their difficulties in “keeping it together” on stage.

Hatzinakos, winner of Best Supporting Actress for her role as Meg in AN & SMIEIA, remarks: “Our chemistry was great. There was a point where I didn’t think we’d get anywhere at all because we had a lot of bad rehearsals. We couldn’t stop laughing.” Hatzinakos adds that, if she could choose two TCDS members to be her parents,

Danielle Pal• The Iggies they would be Director of Actor’s Nightmare, Mirka Loiselle, and Director of Winter’s Tale, Anthony Botelho. Hyett, who sticks with his deep emotional connection to Cabaret, would choose Director of Cabaret Ola Okarmus and her partner Matthew Fonte as her TCDS parents. Interestingly enough, both of these TCDS couples got together after their involvement with last years production, Third Story.

Okarmus and Fonte both have had extensive involvement with the TCDS productions this year.

Matthew recalls: “We’ve both dabbled in several shows this year. I think we both have three of the shows under our belt at some capacity. I think the only exception for both of us would be Rope.”

“You get to be so fun and flirty, and you die usually, so you don’t have to deal with all the aftermath of all the bullshit.”

When recalling her connection with the roles she has performed this year, Okarmus comments: “All of my characters were very commanding. I was king at one point, and screamed at my children for getting married. I was a psychotic nun who murdered a bunch of people. And then I was a director, which might have felt the closest to me because it’s most similar to who I am.”

Mac Chapin, the official publicist for the TCDS shows and company, also remarks on his contribution to the TCDS productions this year: “I’ve worked on all 5 productions this year, including our submission to the Drama Fest.” Chapin was nominated for every award in the category of “Best Publicity Design,” although was admittedly “nervous” about his chances of winning.

If Trinity College itself were a production, Chapin says his character would be the villain. “I feel like that’s such an interesting role. You get to be so fun and flirty, and you die usually, so you don’t have to deal with all the aftermath of all the bullshit. Everyone can go be happy-ever-after and you can live in your dream.”

In response to the question of which two celebrities he would choose to be his parents, Chapin says: “Easy, Neil Patrick Harris and David Burkta.

Are you serious? I would love those Halloween costumes every year. I’m 22 and I would still wear those. Every year.”

In response to this same question, Academy mem-

ber Riam Kim-McLeod says: ““I think I’d want to go with Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively, because then I’d feel like I’d have a better chance at winning the genetic lottery in life.” Terra Morel, also a member of the Academy, would choose Meryl Streep and George Clooney, because, “they’re older, but at this point my parents would be that age so it makes sense.”

Actors and Actresses aside, there is an uncanny amount of work done behind the scenes; stage managing, set design, costume design, makeup, sound, lighting, and choreography are some of the major elements that bring a production together.

Rory Tassonyi, who attended the Iggies with his partner Ashley Olah, comments on his involvement with the TCDS this year: “I did costuming for Winters Tale and Fight choreographing for Rope.” When asked the most notable costume he made this year, he responds: “I think it was the impromptu-10-minutes-before-opening dress repair that had to happen. It was the purple dress that was worn and it ripped 10 minutes before curtain on opening night. So that was probably the most exciting, in a terrifying kind of way.”

Regarding costumes, Max Levy, nominee for Best Actor as Charles Granillo in Rope, was looking particularly sharp at the Iggies. When asked who he was wearing, Levy searched for about 45 seconds for a label, only to be incapable of reading the cursive writing on the interior label and declaring it was “Something Italian”.

Levy was also the winner of Best Drunk Performance for his role in Rope, an award seemingly familiar to him. Upon his acceptance of this award, he commented on how his teacher in grade 10 also recognized his talent for acting drunk on stage, one that could have only come from “extensive experience.” To the delight of the TCDS and audience members in Rope, Levy has only gotten better since his initial drunk-acting talent was recognized four years ago.

Sabryna Ekstein’s presentation of the Award of Distinction to Lexi Brennan, to which she reminisced in their time spent together in previous productions and thanked her for being an inspiring and tolerant role model.

The flawless execution of the ceremony was held together by the dynamic duo of TCDS Executive members Jane Mochina, whose role is the Iggies & Cast Party Planner, and Angie Salomon, who has been leading the TCDS as Co-President. Academy Captain Julien Ferland, who coordinated the Academy members throughout the year to attend all the productions and act as the decision-makers for the Iggy nominees and winners, supported their efforts to make the ceremony a great success.

The ceremony ended with TCDS Co-President Courtenay Field’s presentation of the Crystal Pear Award to Salomon for her incredible contribution to the TCDS over the past four years.

“The TCDS is no exception when it comes to the quality of work that Trinity groups produce. It has given so much to so many people - a creative outlet, a new set of skills, a new circle of friends... it allows people who are passionate about any and all aspects of theatre to continue their involvement regardless of what they’re studying. But the greatest thing about the TCDS is it encourages one to leave their comfort zone, take risks, and embarrass themselves, while providing a warm and loving environment to do so. Thank you so much to the TCDS community, especially my fellow 1T6s, for these 4 incredible years with the greatest theatre society on campus.”

“Levy has only gotten better since his initial drunk-acting talent was recognized four years ago.”

In terms of the actual ceremony and distribution of the Iggy Awards in the GIT, the announcement of each nominee and each winner of every award category was met with equal enthusiasm throughout the night.

As we say farewell to one integral member of the TCDS community, we welcome our arms to another. Emily Shaw, future Co-President of the TCDS for 2016 – 2017, recalls her journey thus far with the TCDS:

The ceremony saw many uplifting moments, like the spontaneous performance by the Cabaret cast, led by Cabaret’s Musical Director Sam Poole, after they won Best Production. There were also moments when the audience was roaring in laughter, such as when Academy member Erin Singer announced a supposed newspaper ad of an “adventurous couple looking for a third”, in hopes of a reply from Rachel Hart.

It also saw many heart-warming moments, like

“Ever since first year, the TCDS has become my little happy place. Every production in which I am involved, every show I see, and every smiley and familiar face never fails to make me increasingly happier. It is this wonderful and supportive community that I am so lucky to be a part of.”

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C.LO.U.D 9 To the Dominican and Back Again

Ethan Raymond • Cloud 9

By: Ethan Raymond Photography: Alexandra Witt

“More so than the highest courts of the land, a pick, the heat of the sun, and a hard packed mound of dirt are the great levellers in Nuevo Renacer.”

It begins with a need for compassion, for understanding, and most importantly, for help. That’s where Sandra comes in.

As an active member and organizer in the community of Nuevo Renacer, on the outskirts of Puerto Plata, Sandra has been helping better the lives of those in the community for decades.

Through both her work as a teacher and her Foundacion Jardin de Luz (The Garden of Light Foundation), she is an integral part of the community, and a force to be reckoned with.

It is through Sandra that a profile of the University of Toronto’s CLOUD Project in the community is best approached. As a prominent community figure, Sandra works as the primary point of contact multiple philanthropic organizations active in the community. It is Sandra who assesses the level of need of different individuals and families in the community, and who ultimately helps organizations decide which projects to tackle.

It was thus through Sandra that Brigida was first brought to the attention of the New World Community (NWC), the organization the CLOUD projects are organized by. Brigida had been living in her home near the river bank for more than 20 years, and it had been home to some of her happiest moments, but the house itself was in dire need of renovation or replacement. Built as close as it was to the river, the house was prone to flooding, and so Brigida’s children had been forced to move in with relatives.

Spurred on by a desire to give her children a safe and comfortable place to live, Brigida had taken the initiative to begin purchasing bricks for the construction of a new house. Determined as she was to improve her condition, the going was slow, and it was likely she would not have been able to do it alone. Thus, on the recommendation of Sandra, Brigida was chosen as the next recipient of CLOUD project assistance, and our trip was set in motion.

Now, the logistics of sending a group of students to live and work in a community overseas are complicated, and were handled chiefly by the NWC at an organizational level. On the ground at U of T, Trinity students, Manny Mastrangelo and Katie Fettes were tasked with recruiting a team to complete the project. In addition, Manny, Katie, and the rest of the team were tasked with raising $5000 as a group to cover the costs of the project. This manifested in a series of initiatives held over first and second semester that were designed to raise the necessary funds.

Through events such as the Underwater Kegger (hosted in collaboration with the TCVS, TC Beats, and KA), CLOUD Open Mic Night, and a Christmas carolling adventure, in addition to private donations and a very successful GoFundMe page set up by Cassandra Geisel, the project was successfully funded, raising $5024.35. This money was sent ahead of the group to ensure that all necessary building materials would already be on site by the time the group arrived, and that the group wouldn’t find themselves wearing naught but their smiles when they landed.

Having reached this point in the story, it’s time to introduce the team that travelled to Nuevo Renacer: Manny Mastrangelo, Katie Fettes, Cass Geisel, Syndi Walton, Ali Witt, Billie Rose Owen, Jennifer Han, Nikita Lavres, Hunter Vogel, Tsewang Rinzin, Hayden Johnson, myself, and Vaani Sai (a Western student and CLOUD veteran who joined us on the trip). All 13 of us boarded a plane on the morning of February 13, and later that night we found ourselves on the start of a week long, or slightly longer for some, adventure.

“By the end of the first day of work, the old house had been completely demolished and the foundations of the new had been laid.”

Working under the direction of foreman Gustavo and his crew, assisted by our translators Tony and Jonathan, as well as numerous members of the community, the work of deconstruction and construction actually went relatively quickly. By the end of the first day of work, the old house had been completely demolished and the foundations of the new had been laid. Indeed, it seemed the work of the week took no time at all, and each day more and more of the house was built.

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That’s not to say that the work was easy, because I can assure you it was not. The days were long, and between hauling bricks, mixing cement by hand, swinging a pickaxe to bust up the ground and then moving earth to fill in the foundations, we sustained a few injuries. Still, like Tony is known to say, nobody died, and nobody got hurt all too badly. Over the course of the week, those of us who were in shape were put to work doing hard labour, and those of us who were not were put to work doing the hard labour all the same. More so than the highest courts of the land, a pick, the heat of the sun, and a hard packed mound of dirt are the great levellers in Nuevo Renacer.

Despite the work, which was admittedly a lot more fun than my description might suggest, we did have quite a bit of down time on our trip.

That which was not spent reflecting or dining on the meals that Sandra’s mother Maria prepared for us was intermittently spent exploring the top of a mountain, relaxing at the beach, playing with the local children, riding horses, hogging the playground at a family restaurant, and walking down to the convenience store for a cerveza after a long day’s work.

By the last day, I’d become acclimatized to the Dominican way of life, and the prospect of leaving weighed heavily upon us all. The presentation ceremony was an emotional affair, equal parts exciting, jubilant, sad, and at one point even a bit scary – but that’s Dick’s story to tell, not mine.

Still, as hard as it was to leave our new found friends behind us, the prospect of returning home was enticing. As rewarding as it is to work your body for a week, it really does catch up to you after a while, and there’s nothing quite like both the comfort and condescension that define Trin.

No matter how soul crushing this place might be, it’s still home.

So there I sat, looking out over the Atlantic and reflecting on our travels while listening to Are You Experienced on a loop. It was then that I had perhaps my greatest realization of the trip; the work is never done. Sure the house is built, and Brigida has a new home, but none of us will ever forget that brief time we spent on the island, and with the community. Until Nuevo Renacer is no longer defined by its poverty, there will always be a great deal of work to be done. In the meantime, U of T and Trin will do our part as best we can, sending workers and money each year to check another house off of Sandra’s list. It might not end the problems facing Nuevo Renacer or the Dominican Republic as a whole, but we will continue the effort. The March towards progress is long and fraught with difficulties, but CLOUD will always be there to take that journey one brick at a time.

Salterrae • April 2016

~Butt Plugs and Other Drugs~ Alternative Uses Written

by

for

Marissa Martins, Illustrated

by

Adult Toys Alexandra Portoraro

Lysol wipes, a 21st century household staple, are the go-to fix for dusty shelves and sticky countertops all across North America. In the 1920s, however, Lysol was popularly used post-coitus to freshen up and to clear out any of those leftover, pesky swimmers clinging to the vaginal canal.

head held high. Sadomasochism is so hot right now.

“I hope your laughter was worth my future employment prospects.”

You have just made it home after a miserable day in the office. The printer’s cartridge was jammed so you had to wait for IT to come and fix it and Jan from HR’s cackle still saturates your cubicle space even though her new office is further down the hallway than it used to be. You didn’t get to do the Sudoku in today’s paper because you had

The purpose of this history lesson is twofold: first, the thought of the collective cringing of all readers who have vaginas makes me feel incredibly powerful; second, and more importantly, I want you to recognize that many objects and products have a multitude of uses outside of their marketed qualities. Think outside of the box. Your great grandmother certainly tried to, but Lysol didn’t turn out to be that effective as a contraceptive. Just kidding. I hope your laughter was worth my future employment prospects.

The Great American Challenge by Doc Johnson Alternative Use: Door Stop Standing proudly at 15.5” tall, the Great American Challenge is marketed as a life-changer: “One session with this purple jelly monster and nothing else will quite feel the same”. Well, that was the most honest product description I’ve ever read.

Should you be so lucky as to be gifted one of these, don’t feel like you have to prepare yourself for the “challenge”, which in my honest opinion,

Fleshlight® Alternative Use: Umbrella Holder

sounds a lot more like a battle. Let’s not equate a pop quiz to the MCAT. Consider: This flopping, flubbery phallus works in a pinch as a doorstop.Just stick it right between the wall and the door.

You pick: self-directed rearrangement of your internal organs, or no more scuff marks on your wall? I’ll have the latter, please.

Penis-Enlarging Pump Alternative Use: Kylie Kardashian Lip Plumper This one is super straight forward. Your penisenlarging pump should come with step-by-step instructions for set-up and use. For your purposes, just replace the word penis with lips. I’d like to take this opportunity to excuse myself from any liability of injury that might have occurred as a result of this article.

Nipple clamps Alternative Use: Collar Clip It’s a lot easier to find collar-safe nipple clips than it is to find nipple-safe collar clips. Save yourself some space in your wardrobe and buy nipple clips that can double as collar clips. Fashion forward,

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Sadomasochism is so hot right now.”

“

to do that favour for Bill from accounting. Truly devastating. The cherry on top of your tragedy of a day is the torrential downpour you’ll have to walk through to get home to your empty apartment, which will likely add three or four minutes to your commute. The cat will be fed later than he is expected and accordingly, he will have an attitude for the rest of the evening. Luckily for you, I’ve got an unlikely solution to at least one of your problems: the dripping umbrella.

Consider: Slide your sloppy rain protector into the Fleshlight®. It’s designed to lock in moisture and I think you’ll find it to be the perfect fit.

Leaing it in thehallway is also a viable solution, but it’s just so boring. You’ve been that guy your whole life. Don’t you think it’s time for a change?

Avneet Sharma • How to Survive First Year

How to Survive First-Year™

Advice from Someone Who Barely Did It

By Avneet Sharma Illustration: Claire Shenstone-Harris

Hello. It’s me: new Social Trin™ member Avneet Sharma. And I’m here to reflect on my #livedexperiences as a first-year student at the University of Trinity College in the University of Toronto. If you were to think of first-year survival, you would probably think of me, as it feels like the world dropped a hailstorm on me when I asked for a single drop of water. But I survived and so can you. You can call me Ned because here is a declassified guide on surviving first year, at least the way I did it. This might not work for everyone.

1. Write about Buffy the Vampire Slayer for your entrance profile.

How do I write about a bubble being popped?

How do I format this as an award-winning essay that will go straight to the archives for my future fans to retrieve? Why is Trinity College already doing this to me? These are questions I asked myself as I laid on my couch staring at the popcorn ceiling of my despair. And then I found the answer: to get really angry at Trinity College and write a Buffy-inspired monologue about how I don’t really want to go to this college any more.

For some reason, I still ended up here.

“You can call me Ned because here is a declassified guide on surviving first year” 2. Attend a Kappa Alpha party!

Nothing says “I hate myself ” more than attending a party at the Kappa Alpha Literary Society.

But when Narain Yücel posts a picture of himself holding a koala in the 1T9 group, how can anyone resist? LUAU! Playing beer pong, staring at the burnt “NSTM” on the wall, and experiencing a “real” frat party for the first time is a wonderful way to make new friends after having social anxiety for the majority of frosh week.

3. Go to Midnight Run and get drunk at the NoName common room afterwards.

The stains of maple syrup, whipped cream, and

Vanessa Perruzza yelling “who the fuck takes cinema studies?” still affect me to this day. But running around campus, shouting the Salterrae (Hey! That’s the name of this magazine!), and being a nuisance is a great way to spend a night. You might even have a #meetcute at the after party in No-Name like I did with my friend Alejandra.

I was washing my hands in the Kirkwood bathroom, and unable to withdraw a paper towel from the menacing dispenser. Alejandra stepped out of the shower, towel-clad. I turned around to see her look of surprise.

“DON’T WORRY! I’M GAY!” I yelled.

Enter: male head of NRA (and #NRACdad) Ben Horvath, who walked into the bathroom, apologized to Alejandra, and dragged me away.

4. Be as self-deprecating and cynical as possible at the Trinity College Literary Institute, even if you’re not debating.

Telling an entire group that you hate yourself and that you hate everyone at Trinity College in response to drunken laughter will give you a strong sense of purpose: the movement. Some traditions should never die.

5. Accidentally become Social Trin™.

How did I get here?

“Nothing says “I hate myself” more than attending a party at the Kappa Alpha LiterarySociety.”

6. Let Erin Ross mix you a drink and deal with the aftermath.

Spoiler: the night goes dark after Erin Ross hands you a Manhattan. You must be prepared to deal with the effects. The night will end with you passed out on a couch in the Welch common room, only to be dragged to your room just one floor below by Emma Norman. Alternatively, the night will end with you chainsmoking in the quad, feeling poetic and determined to stay up and

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watch the sunrise for the first time, only to hurl in the quad and retreat to bed. The stains of my failure can still be found on the concrete.

7. Invite That Guy™ to your birthday party.

Inviting That Guy™ to your birthday party at a gay bar may sound daunting at the moment, but clicking his name on a Facebook event invite list might lead to the following possibilities: You’ll engage in awkward conversation that leads nowhere. Afterwards, you go back to partying with your friends while sipping on a Long Island Iced Tea. You’ll be too busy making out with him very publicly to realize that a drag queen is hitting on John Nicholson.

8. Order $40 worth of Canton Chilli and eat it all by yourself while marathoning HBO’s Girls at 2am.

This is self-explanatory.

9. Get day drunk via High School Musical marathon.

You know that you’ve lived life to the fullest when you end up lying on the 2nd Whit bathroom floor at 5pm. We’re all in this together!

“The stains of my failure can still be found on the concrete.”

10. If all else fails, cry in Adam Hogan’s office.

Nothing will make you more alive than bursting into tears in front of Assistant Dean of Students, Adam Hogan and a framed picture of Carter.

You will either feel more alive (like Maddy Torrie) or dead inside (also like Maddy Torrie).

In all seriousness, first year (or any year, really) is a difficult time and if you find that you need help or someone to talk to, Trinity College has a wonderful collection of deans, dons, counsellors, and dogs that you can talk to. Surviving First-Year™ is an unquestionably difficult task, and I commend everyone for going through it, even if you needed help like myself.

Salterrae • April 2016

A Trinity Year in Review All in Two Sentences or Less

By: Julianne de Gara Illustrations: Ester Dubali As I contemplated how to end my term as Frosh columnist for the Salterrae, a lot of thoughts came to mind: Could I just resubmit my Frosh Week article and hope no one would notice? Could I write about the organic, made-to-order cookies I had last weekend for an adequate number of words?

Could I make a list of things to do while avoiding studying for exams? While I’m sure all of these options would have been well-received, I decided to go look back on my first year at Trin. Also, go try the Red Bench cookies, they will blow your mind.

Except, instead of getting gushy and sentimental, I’ve decided to take a different approach. Rather than recounting in great detail the events of my froshling life, instead I will attempt to recount the highlights of the year, in two sentences or less.

These highlights will be based off my first year facebook album, First Year Shenanigans.

Frosh Week: See the September issue of the Salterrae. (things not included in that article; almost dying in a random guy’s apartment, 4am McDonald’s runs, heatstroke.)

Gowning In: My sleeves wouldn’t rip properly so

The Book Sale: Wanted $40 to move boxes of books around; acquired a librarian cart and caused several non life-threatening injuries.

Saints Kick-Off: Began the night in Sub-Rowlinson. Still uncertain if the event itself was ever attended.

Halloween: Didn’t go to NRAC halloween, wrongly assuming that there was a Trin party happening on the actual day of Halloween. Made a cake that looked like a pumpkin instead and dressed up as a cat for the fifth year in a row.

Single’s Night Out: Became a semi-professional

Conversat Kick-Off: Became very well acquainted with the coats of Trinity College. Never made it to the actual event.

Massey Rounds: Tried to steal a drink from Reid Dobell, resulting in one of my friends buying it for me and drinking it herself.

Reading Week: Shockingly, I didn’t do much reading.

bowling sensation.

November 21st: Went to the TOT cat cafe.

Dreams in life came true.

Saints Ball: Tried to get into an Empire Saint of Mind, but an untimely fire alarm ruined my hair, and therefore, the rest of the night.

Bubbly: Supposedly couldn’t acquire any champagne due to provincial liquor laws. Blurry photos would indicate otherwise.

I held up the entire line. I was late for my first anthropology class.

December 12th: Peaced the hell out of here because I didn’t have any exams. Spent an entire month of my short life doing absolutely nothing.

Thanksgiving High Table: My shoe got caught in the grout in the Quad, because high heels are still a foreign concept to me. After sending a bulletlike brussels sprout across a table of people, I reconciled the night by stealing a pumpkin pie and eating it for several days afterwards.

January 15th: Spotted a raccoon on philosopher’s walk; most likely had rabies. When I called animal services later that day, they said it was probably already dead - RIP raccoon friend, I hope there’s trash in heaven.

October 17th: Bought a cactus and named it Quixote. Despite living in a basement where no sunlight exists, he is still alive and well on the windowsill of Subkirk.

January 20th: Attempted to bring a helium tank on the subway.

Conversat Ball: Donned my lobby boy hat one last time as I tried to explain to people that they had to buy four times as many drink tickets as they wanted because we didn’t have any change. Wondered what credentials you need to become a jazz rapper, and how I could apply for such a position.

Christmas High Table: Waited in line for 20 minutes to get a photo with the Strachan Tree.

Alua’s Birthday Party: Almost got punched in an attempt to stop binge drinking; subsequently had a drink spilled all over me. Shattered champagne glasses also became an occupational hazard in the Whit common room.

January 18th: The first of many times I had to draw on a moustache with an eyebrow pencil in my breakout role of Zero the Lobby Boy.

The Athletic: I was confused as to whether the theme was athletic clothes or the 80s; failed to portray either. Only after taking several unfortunate photos, one spelling “We want the fu k”, did we realize that the hit song “Give up the Funk” was actually released in 1975.

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March 2nd: After being uncharacteristically warm for a week, Trinity is once again covered in a thick snow. My first (and only) quadshot is posted on instagram.

Which brings us back to today; me, sitting at my computer, wondering why I waited until Thursday to start writing when this article is due on Sunday. By the time you read this, quad party will be added to list of highlights, and from there, the so-called hell of exams will descend upon us.

And then that will be it, Trinity College! No more Facebook Drama or campaigning in Strachan. At least until next year.

When it is all written out like this, it is easy to see how quickly the year has passed; for me, it has been a year of adjustment and adaptation, ridiculous parties and events, sprinkled, of course, with the occasional homework assignment. Hopefully, whether you are a mere froshling like me, or moving on to greener and brighter pastures next year, you have had a year worth remembering, and hopefully, when it comes to describing it all, you will want to use more than just two sentences.

But like I said, no sentimentality or mushiness.

Instead, I will end with words so often said by my dear friend Gina Kwon: It’s been a helluva year.

Madeline Torrie • The Best Medicine

The Best Medicine An Editor’s Note

By Madeline Torrie Editors’ note: Episkopon is no longer associated with Trinity College. Please direct any questions or concerns to the student heads or the administration. This article does not reflect the views of the Salterrae.

“We would wear long black academic gowns, and jackets and ties to all meals, and we would say Latin grace before we ate. We didn’t really have jocks because we weren’t large enough, and we didn’t really have a party culture because we were too nerdy for that. All we really ever did was sit around and make fun of each other.”

This is what Malcolm Gladwell wrote about Trinity in his essay, “How I ruined my best friend’s wedding.” The essay, published on the Guardian’s website, is worth any Trinity student’s time: Gladwell writes about how a wedding speech meant humorously destroyed a friendship.

Trinity College is still a “funny” place in both senses of the word. Some things have changed since Gladwell’s day, but a lot has stayed the same.

At Trinity College we spend a disproportionate amount of time sitting around and making fun of each other. Most of the time it is harmless, and it is a sign of friendship, perhaps even respect.

Sometime people go too far. Such is life.

At the beginning of this year I began a conversation with an old English teacher. It started with me asking this question: “Something I have been thinking about this summer had to do with what you mentioned about comedy, particularly satire requiring a ‘satiric object.’ … can something be universally ‘funny’?”

We exchanged articles back and forth. I sent my teacher an article by Mick Hume from Salon to summarize my views: “By its nature comedy is always controversial, pushing as it must at the limits of what passes for taste and decency in any era.”

In response, he replied with Michael Yichao’s piece, whose message is well articulated in the title, “It’s not censorship; your jokes are just crappy and lazy.”

The conversation continued at a time when the media was paying attention to political correctness on school campuses. Let me make myself clear, I think that being politically correct is important in day to day life. I think that general politeness and respect for the experiences of others is part of being a decent human being, full stop.

But sometimes, to make people stop, think, and take a look at the world around them you have to be not just an asshole, but a funny asshole.

From our conversation I reached a still evolving conclusion: good comedy has a license to kill. You can joke about the holocaust, cripples, AIDS or even ISIS but you better be hilarious, and your purpose better be to expose hypocrisy, irony, or the prejudices of your own audience (see: everything created by Matt Stone and Trey Parker).

Aside from Mr. Bean, Teletubbies and godforbid, “the Big Bang Theory” there is no such thing as universal humour, because context is too critical to the interpretation of a joke. But satire on controversial subjects, like race, or gender, groups or individuals, should be done, and done well. Comedy should disband stereotypes instead of reinforcing them.

In highschool I was never known as someone who is funny. At the end of the year our boarding house would roast the grade 12s to send them off, and I had prepared a speech for a friend about the trials and tribulations of her unrequited love interest. Everyone thought it was hilarious, it was not taken poorly by my friend, and for the first time I felt like a performer; like I had control over an audience. The same English teacher who I was corresponding with this year always said, “writing is all about emotional manipulation.” Making people laugh using only your words is not only the best part of telling a joke, it is the best part about telling a story.

During these exchanges with my teacher, the various controversies and conflicts continued at Trinity College. At Trinity, comedy was not always done well. When it wasn’t, people would protest, usually on Facebook, or by going to the administration. What should have been private discussions between two people became very public. For me, the main problem was that no one critiqued comedy as if it was comedy. Instead of trying to figure out where a joke went wrong, there were some who pointed at their peers, and their character, as the problem.

We talk a lot about “institutions” at Trinity College, but I don’t believe there is any such thing.

We only have people, and these people are your friends and fellow Trinitrons. So when we talk about Episkopon as a hateful, hurtful institution, full of really great, nice people we are separating the machine from its parts. A lot of people over my time here have asked me what Episkopon is,

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and everyone seems to have a different opinion.

For me Episkopon’s mandate is to be funny, is part of Trinity’s cultural fabric, and is for those who still appreciate its humour. People are entitled to their beliefs and experiences, but if you think that Episkopon is a sinister institution, rather than a collection of fifteen or so twenty year olds who sit around on Rhymezone trying find something else that rhymes with “buttery,” then I am afraid that the artist has painted you the wrong picture.

Someone once wisely said to me, “pick the pride, not the self esteem.” Does Episkopon make mistakes, or have the potential to make mistakes?

Absolutely. Those mistakes come from sloppy humour, slip ups, and bad writing. Let’s talk about making Episkopon funnier, rather than friendlier.

Talk directly to your friends in Pon, rather than above them. No removal of Episkopon, no policy, and no action from the administration will stop people from making fun of each other. We just need to be better at how we do it.

There are many humourless places in the world, and I am glad Trinity College is not one of them.

I believe it is important to laugh at ourselves, when at Trinity we take nothing more seriously than ourselves. It is rare to find a place like Trin, where a sense of humour is valued in the same way as being a varsity athlete is at other schools.

Reverend John Wittal, a former Dean of Men wrote in the Globe and Mail in September 1992, “If Episkopon goes, then something had better replace it, otherwise this place really will become insufferable.” I still believe Episkopon contributes to humour at Trinity, and occupies an important place at this college .

This year, Trinity College has lost some of its ability to laugh at itself. We still laugh, but bitterly. A joke should be absent from ideology, but recently our jokes, in all forms and venues, have become ideology. Instead of uniting us, humour has forced us to pick sides. Between provocative comic strips and offside lit jokes, there is the kind of humour that builds community. This kind of humour isn’t fuelled by outrage, but common understanding.

Students from all parts of Trinity College, let’s find it before we have nothing left to find funny about this place.

Salterrae • April 2016 “And of course, there were the panty raids…” said an alumna. She was referring to a seemingly common occurrence during her time as a student at Trinity in the 1960s. When she said this, the other alumni chuckled, fondly remembering the shenanigans of their own time at Trinity. Wanting to better understand the experiences of Trinity’s past, I met with a group of 20 alumni, eager to know how much their stories differed from my own—and in some cases, just how similar they were.

We met in a hidden room tucked away in the basement of Trin Proper, crammed around a single, intimate table. Fueled by tea and an assortment of biscuits, I began our discussion with the simple question, “so what was Trinity like when you guys were here?” The question was met with instant smiles and laughter, each alumnus insisting right away that if they were going to tell me, they did not want their names anywhere near the article. It was at that moment that I knew I was in for a treat. These alumni ranged in age, but the majority attended Trinity during the late 1940s through to the late 1960s, during what might be called a “golden age.” I had developed a list of questions to ask them, but I soon realized that they would be no use to me. I knew that the best stories would come out naturally…

I will let you be the judge of that.

The women of college were quick to tell me that St. Hilda’s could easily be compared to Kingston Penitentiary: it was a place where men were forbidden, and you would be forced to sign in and out, especially if you were to be venturing out after 10pm. The Dean of Women, more commonly referred to as “The Red Witch”, was the warden, tasked with keeping the girls in line. According to the alumni, she had “interplanetary hearing”; nothing was a secret, everything was heard, no matter where it was said. This was possibly due to the ventilation transom that ran through the rooms at St. Hilda’s, that carry even the smallest of sounds throughout the building. “It was extremely hard to gossip or keep secrets when everyone heard everything,” one alumnus remarked-there were no locks on any of the rooms. Privacy was definitely not a consideration.

There was one television in the basement for all of the women to use, which resulted in many disputes. None were as serious as one night however, when both the Oscars and the Federal Debate fell on the same night. How the dispute was settled remained undiscussed, but let us just say that the women of St. Hilda’s were not so saintly that night. The Women of College were also responsible for operating the college switchboard. They

were assigned shifts and expected to complete them no matter what. Suddenly the prison metaphor was not just an exaggeration.

However, the Red Witch could not completely stop the women from having fun. They would frequently make daring “escapes” for a night on the town, or a night with a man of college… If you know what I mean. With one basement window left ajar, they could come as go as they pleased, leaving no trace of their escapades. They spoke fondly of their nights at the “Bellair Club” in Yorkville, back when “Yorkville was where all of the hippies would hangout.” Despite the prison-like atmosphere of St. Hilda’s, each of the women were confident in saying that living there was one of the greatest times of their lives.

male alumnus recalled his first orientation from the Dean of Students, and how they were all told “when you call the beer truck, make sure it drives up the side of Henderson Tower and doesn’t park out front”, for fear of our venerable academic reputation being tarnished by alcohol. If only we could indulge in such luxuries today, instead of sending exec members on gruelling trips to the LCBO. In true collegiate form, before lunch on Sunday, the women would get together and share a glass of sherry. There was also the “British Empire Club”, which was a group of young Trin men who would “promote” their British heritage: In reality they just used the club to drink before dinner. Does this remind you of group at Trinity today?

One Alumnus said, “It was always amusing (and revealing) to see [who] would emerge into the quad in the middle of the night if a fire alarm was pulled.” Some things never change.

The Salterrae of their day would have been considered libelous today.

It was essentially a gossip column of who was sleeping with whom, and everyone, including the professors, read it. Some things, apparently, do change.

Initiations were remembered sourly, and the alumni praised the college’s initiatives to ban them entirely. Particularly shocking was their version of the famed “Cake Fight” that took place during frosh week. Unlike ours—fondly remembered as cake and a bit of fun-- they recalled upper years hanging out of the windows of Henderson Tower, pouring “the feces collected from the Toronto Police’s horses, and the blood and internals from the local butcher shop” onto first years as they were forced to run back and forth.

Dress codes for dining were also more strictly enforced. The Men of College had to wear a jacket, shirt, and gown for both breakfast and lunch, and a full suit and gown for dinner—a far cry from the wife-beaters and Birkenstocks of present-day Strachan hall. Such formality was commonplace, and even a hallmark of the college. For both men and women, gowns were mandatory for eating. According to one alumnus, the Trinity men could always be easily spotted on the St. George campus because of their “tweed suits and long flowing scarves”. The men of college rarely wore overcoats, because they felt that they looked more academic in their tweed.

Similar to today, Trinity was the only residence to allow liquor and beer, (Sorry, St. Mike’s). A

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Overall, the Trinity they described fit so many of the stereotypes I had heard of; it was a place divided, and had a reputation that constantly trailed behind its members. That the provosts lived in mansions far away from campus is difficult to imagine given the warm welcome and coffee houses put on by Mayo Moran today.

It was towards the end of our chat that a faint voice spoke up from the far end of the table, belonging to a peaceful, quaint woman. From 1946 onwards, she had been a member of the Trinity community, studying at the college alongside the brave young men who fought in WWII. She raved about how the students of her time were well-behaved, and most importantly, how they respected the traditions; she could not repeat this point enough. “Respect the traditions, respect them-- follow them.”

Her words reminded me that in a time in which everything seems to be always changing, there are some things that should be left unchanged. Embrace high table, wear your gown with pride like so many others have before you. We are all a part of something much greater than a school, much greater than the University of Toronto: We are a part of Trinity College.

But you should always leave the horse shit in the past.

Damian Klambouer • The Mouldy Klam

The Mouldy Klam: Springtime Shame

“It’s Not Even Summer Why Does The DJ Keep Playing Summertime Sadness?”

Written by Damian Klambouer, Illustration by Mirka Loiselle Spring is in the air. Sexy bees are stretching tiny yoga pants across their bodacious bottoms and strutting their stuff across the sky, provoking howls of delight and metaphorically confusing cat calls from horny birds amid the early spring showers.

The city is awash in the petrichoral orgy of spring awakening and all creatures, from little to large, find themselves helplessly moistened. The rains fall heavy, stirring both the soil and long-hidden feelings. The land liquefies and pours away from the shallow graves, and old shames come to light, like that bottle which was tossed from the Welch windows into a snowbank during Christmas revelry, being discovered months later during the thaws.

“But anyway, back then people didn’t worry too much about that sort of thing, they just tried to have fun. That attitude makes the world a lot better, don’t you think?”

Yes, dear readers, this is a column about shame.

In the spirit of the season, I present for your consideration the greatest sources of humiliation, ignominy, and disgrace that can be found at this college.

Vomiting in front of a tour group.

Ah, the ubiquitous spring tour groups. Young souls that have not yet been pushed to breaking by the confluence of exams, BlackBoard blackouts, and the heartbreakingly inevitable capitalization of that most basic of common goods, Kimojis.

Nursing your Wednesday-afternoon hangover, you hear a familiar voice wafting through the common room windows from the quad: one of your frosh-week comrades is (mis)leading a group of impressionable youths about the college. A sudden wave of nausea overcomes you and you want anything but to be near when they come to look in at what “cool, adult” students do during their time off. You rush to the steam tunnels, hoping to evade their prying, pure eyes, but you find the path blocked and divert yourself through the open doorway, vomiting into a bush in clear

view of awed children and not angry, just disappointed parents. Executing a clumsy curtsy, you wipe your mouth and try to turn the situation around by expostulating on what an amazing experience undergrad is, and how they will have the time of their lives, but a second wave hits you and you hastily thrust your face into Mrs. Abernathy’s handbag.

“You’re the one sitting on the couch, you have five years of seniority, and you were getting kicked out of the Brunny when they were getting Valentine’s cards from the teacher.”

Remembering the barbaric time when Conversat Kickoff was called a “Rush” Sure, your transcript may show that you were actually, in fact, enrolled at UofT back then. And sure, there may be photographic evidence that you attended this backwards event. But like, you spent most of the latter half of the evening in the pizza room, I think? Everything’s kinda hazy after leaving the pre in Massey to put in an appearance at the pre in Whit, you maintain. No one needs to know that you had a midterm the next morning and you needed to do well to CR the course. You concede that you probably would have thought this “Rush” thing a bit odd, and definitely would have been for making it more inclusive, if only you could quite confirm that you were there, and hadn’t already left to an afterparty or something.

But anyway, back then people didn’t worry too much about that sort of thing, they just tried to have fun. That attitude makes the world a lot better, don’t you think? Now that you think of it, the Middle East could probably be pretty easily fixed, if everyone just sat down and had a beer or eight together.

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Always getting served last at the Lit. Who do these impetuous first year reps think they are? Don’t they know you were racing boats when they were standing awkwardly at the edges of middle-school dances that were less dry than this fucking debate? What do they mean ‘oh, everyone should have some first?’ You’re the one sitting on the couch, you have five years of seniority, and you were getting kicked out of the Brunny when they were getting Valentine’s cards from the teacher.

You reach out one trembling hand and tell them if you’re not enjoying yourself in 90 seconds they will end up like that first bouncer at the Brunny.

Oh man, remember that night? That was so wild.

Hey isn’t the Brunny closing or something? We should go sometime. They probably lost our photos by now. What are you doing after the TCM?

“Open your heart, open your mind, open your liquor cabinet.

It’s a new year.”

Whew, wasn’t that nice to get off our chests? Like a chunky morass of half-digested food sluicing off the quad couch in a March shower to make room for more ass, all these disappointments wash away in the spring rain. Like a heavenly broom sweeping the shards of plastic champagne flutes into a distant corner, the boisterous wet winds carry away the shame-pains. Open your heart, open your mind, open your liquor cabinet. It’s a new year.

Salterrae • April 2016

Goodbye Geoff

Our Bursar’s 26 years at Trinity College

By: Christina Collis After 26 years of being Trinity’s bursar, Geoff Seaborn, the man who has brought so much change to this College, is retiring. Who was Geoff Seaborn before he was our legendary bursar? I had the opportunity to sit down with him and take a journey through his career since he first came to Trinity as a student in 1969. It’s a sunny Friday afternoon and as we take a seat on a bench in the Massey College quad, Geoff recalls the first time he set foot in Trin on a visit during high school. “You walk into the front hall and the steps up to Seeley are all worn and old – and I thought that was really cool.”

He was immediately sold on Trin and joined the class of 7T3. He lived on residence for all four years and got involved in absolutely everything: Frosh week, the Salterrae, and eventually Head of College. He says “It was just a great time – not great academically because all the other stuff was too much fun.”

After graduation Geoff landed a job in the Federal Government where he worked for 10 years. He eventually returned to Toronto to do an M.B.A at York, and then worked for a real estate company on Yonge and Bloor. Being so close, he was inevitably drawn back to Trin and volunteered for a few committees. When George Shepherd, the bursar at that time, announced his retirement, several people asked Geoff if he wanted to step up. The rest is history. “So I kind of had a life between ’73 and ’90 – but the rest of it has been Trinity.”

When asked if he had any idea that he would stick around for so long, he laughed and said he has no idea. “I thought I might go for a few years and then move on to something else. But that’s the trouble with Trin, you can’t really leave.”

Going in, Geoff only had a rough idea of what he would be doing. He was pleasantly surprised

Photographs by: Madeline Torrie by the variety of work the job entailed, and this has kept things interesting for him. “I don’t think I really appreciated how much fun it would be to work with and hang out with the current students, which has been a really great highlight of the whole thing.”

One might expect a bursar to be holed up in his office crunching numbers, but Geoff can often be seen striding purposefully around Trin, always engaged in a project. Geoff has been the driving force behind many of the building projects around Trinity. While some bursars would contract someone to head these projects, Geoff has delved into them himself. He says, “Being involved in the planning and management of a capital project is neat and it’s something I’ve just enjoyed doing.”

“So I kind of had a life between ’73 and ’90 – but the rest of it has been Trinity.”

The landscape around Trin has changed so much since 1990 and there’s nothing that Geoff didn’t have a hand in. The beautiful Graham Library, where students spend most of their days, was only built in 2000. Before that, the building was a run-down engineering residence, and Trinity’s library was located in the basement of Trinity. Converting the building into Graham Library and the Munk Center was a challenging experience for Geoff. Although Trin owned the land and buildings, U of T was putting in a lot of the money and therefore managed the project.

“U of T is the Big Elephant, so it’s hard to get

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them to do what you want. I had to fight every inch of the way to get the things done that I thought were right.” U of T also wanted to build the Center for Ethics in The Larkin Building and to revamp the backfield, to make it suitable for throwing events. These areas are on Trinity’s property, and Geoff didn’t feel like dealing with the Big Elephant again. “I said if you want it done, the deal is you give us the money, and we’ll make it happen for you – we’ll talk to you, but we’re running it.” And that’s exactly what happened. As Geoff recounts these details, it is clear he takes a personal interest in his projects and strives for them to be the best quality possible.

The project that Geoff is most proud of is the renovation of Strachan Hall in 2012. “Strachan is really the core of the College’s soul, and so I just felt passionately that I had to be involved in that one.” Geoff said. Strachan Hall had not been renovated since it was built in 1941 and it was looking pretty grungy. “There were dust bunnies the size of small cats up in the rafters, and the old kitchen was exactly the same as when I was a student – so it was pretty bad.” With this project they aimed to remodel the kitchen and give Strachan Hall itself a “facelift”, restoring Strachan to what it used to be. SCCC funding made this possible. The best compliment Geoff got about the project was from a man who had lived at Trinity in the 40’s. “He saw Strachan after we renovated and said ‘This is great. It looks as nice and fresh as when I arrived!’”

Not many people have had an insider perspective on Trinity’s culture for the majority of the period from the 70s to the present. Geoff says that the feel of the place when he was an undergrad at Trin was very similar to now. “So many of the things that you guys, the students, get involved in: Conversat, The Salterrae, having ridiculous debates at the Lit, all that is amazingly

Chrstina Collis • Goodbye Geoff the same.” Until 2005, St. Hilda’s and Trinity were segregated by sex, and this made a huge difference in the way the students socialized. “We weren’t allowed to go into St. Hilda’s after 6pm, although some of us found our way in somehow,” he laughs. He also says the food was a lot worse. “You guys don’t know how good you’ve got it. So when people complain now I’m rolling my eyes and going, ‘You have no idea.’”

He describes how the general ethos of the Trinity student body has evolved over the years. He feels that the students goofed-off more in the 70s, were pretty reckless, and irreverent. Students today are much more focused and serious – probably because Trinity has become more competitive to get into.

Geoff recalls the rowdy tradition of Pouring Out. In the 70s this tradition was very different to the one we know today – although they both involved having your gown shredded. Pouring Outs occurred in Strachan when one of the Men of College was being excessively pompous or did something dumb. Geoff says, “Someone would yell ‘Pour Seaborn out out!’ and the Head of Second Year and some second year guys would come up – and it was all done in a mock-British way – and they’d lean over and say ‘Mr. Seaborn, we understand there’s a problem here.’ And I would be bracing myself to my chair and I’d say, ‘There’s no problem at all.’ And then all my friends who were out to get me would say, “WELL Seaborn spilled his soup on his neighbor,” or “Seaborn just said something absolutely outrageous.” And the Head of Second Year would say, “Would this be true?” And you had

the option of getting up and leaving – the idea is that you had affected the decorum of the hall and you were being asked to leave. But of course nobody left without a fight. So you would hold on for dear life while they descended on you and carried you out. It was a mark of being part of the community to have a nicely tattered gown.”

Trinity’s history, traditions and small community set us apart from many other places, but for Geoff it is the students that really make Trinity special. “We have this absolutely over-the-top student body – everybody is really smart and motivated – you’ve got 1,800 A type personalities.

So that makes it interesting – I mean it makes it crazy difficult, because people don’t fall into line on anything, but it also makes it really different, stimulating and fun.”

The landscape around Trin has changed so much since 1990 and there’s nothing that Geoff didn’t have a hand in.

Trinity College has made huge progress in the area of sustainability over the years. This has been largely driven by student interest, and Geoff has been eager to help bring plans for Green

projects to fruition. One of these projects began in 2007 when some students came to Geoff with a plan to install solar panels on the roof of Larkin. In 2011 the panels went live and Trin began selling this energy to Toronto Hydro, using the profits to fund student bursaries. Some other sustainability projects have been the Green Roof and the recent installation of a geothermal system. Geoff says, “There are so many other things that could be done, though I think we have done a pretty good job for an old building.”

Geoff stresses the importance of sustainability and how we have to take action and not just talk about it. He says, “There are a lot of conferences and treaties, but at the end of the day individuals and institutions need to start acting differently because otherwise we are in deep doo doo.”

Geoff has also been willing to lend a hand to students on more informal matters. Sometimes when students were low on cash and encountered an unforeseen expense, Geoff would cover the cost for them. In honor of this, the “Geoff Seaborn Students’ Fund,” was recently created to allow Geoff’s successors to continue this tradition. The fund will assist students with small, unexpected expenses, without the hassle of a rigorous application procedure. For example, if a non-resident student needed a small meal package at the end of the term to get them through the exam period, they could request it from this fund.

When asked if there was anything that he had hoped to see happen in his time here that has yet to happen he said “I don’t have a lot of regrets that way. I would have liked the investment portfolio to hit 100 million but I haven’t achieved that. I got close, and people would say I can’t retire until it does, but that might take a long time.”

After his lengthy career at Trin, Geoff just wants to “chill” and go up to his cottage, read some books, and do some hikes. He alludes that he might not disappear from Trin forever. “I might help out on a consulting basis – but it would only be stuff that could be done quietly in a corner because otherwise I would be totally cramping the style of my successor.”

When asked what he will miss most about Trinity he said “Oh man. You guys! The students.

Seriously.” This man who has given so much to Trin, and also gotten so much out of it, has some advice about being a student here. He says, “ Throw yourself into it. Just come and make the most of it. Join everything. Have fun. Get involved to the extent you can with the competitive academic environment here. My best friends still are all from Trin. And we all have that shared memory. Right now you’re living it – but then you look back and say ‘Wow, that was cool.’ So don’t lose that opportunity.”

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Salterrae • April 2016

“Trinvolved” A Trin Social Experiment

By Rachel Chen Social Trin [pri-ten-shuh s]: 1. Getting involved?

2. Being white and privileged or something?

The words “Social Trin” float around all the time so in my quest to be deep, I decided to figure out what it means to be Social Trin. Who did I think of first when people said Social Trin? Who is actually social at Trin? Moreover, who is actually involved at Trin? I heard all sorts of explanations, from involvement to racial and financial barriers.

I decided to a) take advantage of my student fees and b) see what all the talk was about.

Essentially, I drank free alcohol at every. Single. One. Typical Trin.

My first assumption was that Social Trin meant the group of people going to all the quintessentially Trin events, like Buttery parties and TCMs, but I did that last year, so there must have been something else. Thinking back to all the events that drew me to Trinity College, I decided to attend the Lit more regularly. Unfortunately, I missed frosh week this year, so I missed out on all the first year jokes. This meant I also missed the first year jokes at the other… public event I figured I should attend to get the full social Trin experi-

ence. I joined the James Bond Society and went to Bubbly finally. I even spent my 19th birthday at an academic high table, drinking wine with alumni and went to both Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. Mixed into these events from my Trinvolvment were the Salterrae launch party and a TCDS cast party. Essentially, I drank free alcohol at every. Single. One. Typical Trin.

Was I Social Trin yet? I didn’t feel like it. Were these the events the supposed Social Trin people went to? I saw more or less the same people at most of them, but it was also possible those were just res people. Regardless, these were the events a Trin social life theoretically revolved around, and I felt no significant difference from last year. I met more of the Trinfamous people, and maybe I will have a photo make it into the Stephanos or something, but my social life didn’t feel any different .

Then I realized, the theoretical Social Trin group probably exists at floor parties and those random “sushi in Whit!” posts that you never see until it’s already 8 pm and you just got home from a long day on campus. In other words, I deemed Trin Social a res thing; the people on res became friends and stayed prominent in planning events and such because, to put it plainly, they are probably the people most likely to even bother going to Trin events. To be sure, I told myself I would check out the NRAC events in the new semester…

Second semester I got a little lazy. New College is much closer to where I live. Long prejudiced against it due to my frosh week upbringings, I had never ventured that far south on campus. When I finally did this year, I ran into free food event after free food event and since I technically pay Trinity student fees, it really feels for real free and not, “just taking advantage of the booze I paid for

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to go here!” I got my friends to meet up in the UC commuter lounge instead of the Buttery because it is closer to me and cashed in on several of their free pancake events. I found Brennan Hall for the first time at Saint Mikes and got free food from their Super Bowl party. Classes and my non Trin clubs kept me at Vic, where I finally went to Caffiends for their dollar coffee. Outside of colleges even, I went to non Trin events and random course union events not even affiliated with the International Relations society.

Was I Social Trin yet? I didn’t feel like it.

I’m not even bitter that my student fees seem to only fund free alcohol, and because Strachan ensures food to res students so they never need to wait in line for free food. I only hope that somewhere out there, some New College kid is posing as Social Trin to make up for all the “free” food I’ve picked up this year…

Social Trin, are you a terrible and exclusive social construct? Honestly, I can’t say, but as my commuter since first year friend once said, “Where’s Straw-chan?” There’s a life outside of Trin with plenty of students who aren’t battling you for law school admittance.

TLDR: Forget Trin Social, get U of T involved – get free food and free alcohol.

Ondiek Oduor • ONDIFAQ

ONDIFAQ How the crumbly crumbles

By Ondiq “It’s Oduor” Odour Illustration: Claire Shenstone-Harris

Hi Fellow Jaded Humans of the JCR, I realized something while lying in bed, pleading with a TD representative to unlock access to my debit card. Something clicked, as I patiently explained that, yes, it was me who ordered $101.39 worth of Chinese food from New Ho King at four in the afternoon. No, it wasn’t a Somali prince who made that completely reasonable purchase. I picked up my agenda, which I was previously using as a coaster, and saw that I only had six more hours left of being this College’s leading unpaid guru. Shit. I’m sorry Maddy. Please don’t deport me. My little girl’s birthday is tomorrow.

Well folks, it’s been a time, but all good things have to come to an end. That’s just how the cookie crumbles. I wouldn’t be here if life wasn’t a finite succession of crumbling. Instead, I’d be at home, comfortably wrapped in my favorite pukegreen Snuggie®, watching Sammi Sweetheart and RAHN get married on the season twelve finale of Jersey Shore.

Sadly, there is no God. I inhale the sweet provocative juices that define the divine treasure that is Canton Chilli’s “General Tso on Rice,” and—just like that—I’m ready.

I’m coming.

Home.

Shudder. Close your eyes—no—open them. Take your body to the nearest restroom. Cut a line if you have to, but only if there are too many people in line. Sit. Release all that confines you. Concentrate all your stress into the eggshell white toilet bowl. Push.

Read.

Dear Onii-chan, I’m almost finished my first year here at Trinity College. Direct democracy aside, I was wondering if you could tell me more about your treasured experiences at this titillating penitentiary we call home. Seeing as you’re in fourth year—and about to expire—I figured that you could give me a glimpse as to what I should be expecting.

Rub some of your juicy senses onto me, Sandy “Tell Me More, Tell Me More” Frosh

Sandy Frosh, First of all, I’m going to take a minute to pretend that you did not just liken me to ground beef that’s been left out too long – or Guy Taylor. One. Fucking. Minute.

Okay. I’m good.

I wish I could give you a proper walkthrough of all the memories that I’ve made at this College, but sadly I can’t because my word limit, much like your claim to youth and relevance, is almost non-existent.

Also, I don’t want to.

My first year was kind of like that one Cobra Starship song. What was it called? Good Girls Go Bad. All upper years were Cobra Starship; I was Blair Waldorf, and smoking while working boat shoes, in my eyes, was as bad as driving under the influence of a Vicodin cocktail. There were snakes on the plane – the plane being the College, and the snakes being the UTSU [uht-sue].

Most importantly, Justin Bieber was still Black back in my day. We didn’t have the opportunity to turn up to “Sorry” like you privileged rats. Instead, we got high on stolen shots of Malibu – and danced to the ironic-but-played-too-much-to-be-really-that-ironic Gangnam Style.

Also, Pon was certified 75% fresh by RottenTomatoes.com, as opposed to the 5% rotten that it currently is.

TL;DR: GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN. Courage, Ondi Dear Ardene’s, I was scrolling through my newsfeed, and I saw that one of my acquaintances completed a “Which Skins Character Are You?” Buzzfeed quiz. I did it, got Cassie, and felt vindicated. I’ve always felt quirky, but not in that ugly potential school shooter way. Like, in that cute-librarian-that-turns-hot-when-shetakes-off-her-glasses – Jess from New Girl kind of quirky.

Then, I returned to my newsfeed, and read that the Salttarrae office’s iMac was stolen. Who stole it?

Was it you?

Cassandra “Graham Cracker” Frosh Hey Cass, Don’t be racist.

I didn’t steal the iMac. I have the utmost respect for Apple products and the literary freedom associated with them. I only steal from the College when it’s a clear act of subversion against John Strachan.

Seeley’s tapestry is a really great addition to washroom scenery, and don’t get me started on how perfect the Lit chair is for studying with a SAD lamp. SWIM told me.

I don’t know who stole the iMac, but I do want to put forward a proposition. Have you ever seen Mac and iMac in the same room? I haven’t. It’s the perfect crime – no one would suspect him since he outwardly didn’t know that iMac existed.

Have you ever seen iMac, Mac, and a security camera in the same room? I don’t know. These dots just keep connecting. Speaking of dots, Mac doesn’t appreciate the importance of oxford commas. Was it a vigilante act of scholarly rebellion?

J/K it was Maddy, LOL she traded it for more boxed wine and a set of drums (garbage cans).

Snitches get ditches, Ondi Dear Hacky Sack, I watched Legally Blonde thinking it would be representative of the college experience™ but for some reason, Trin is different from Harvard Law. Where are all the nerds and the catfights?

Also, where can I find my sense of purpose? I’m a writer™ and want to have EXPERIENCES that will reaffirm my dream of becoming a lawyer and sending Linda Cardellini to prison. Or, I want to have writer experiences and do cocaine with my GBF like Hannah Horvath. Where should I start?

Love, Sensationalist Writer™ Hi Sensationalist Writer™, I know this is you Avneet.

I told you to stop messaging me. If this continues any longer I will find where you live and hide shawarma in your room. Everything is an illusion except this.

Reality is where all dreams rot, and become the same soil we get buried in.

Deal with it, The ORIGINAL Manic Pixie Dream Black

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Salterrae • April 2016

Horoscopes By: Rachel Copp Clark

TAURUS: (April 20 - May 20) As a Taurus you are known for your intelligence, breathtaking beauty, and incredible sense of humour. Congrats on having such a fantastic year, Taurus. You are the best.

Your lucky numbers are: every number.

Famous Taurus: Adele.

GEMINI: (May 21 - June 20) Ugh, I guess you have probably figured out that I’m a Taurus. Congratulations on your impeccable detective skills, Gemini. They will likely come in handy as you try to figure out where your belongings (and dignity) got lost at quad party.

Your lucky numbers are: 1, 2, 3, 4 and Q. Famous Gemini: Rhiannon Langford.

CANCER: (June 21 - July 22) I have good news for you, Cancer! You will not contract Ebola today! However, you still have the shittiest star sign name so I guess you can’t win ‘em all.

Your lucky numbers are: (647) 476-4910 Famous Cancer: Luke Bryan.

LEO: (July 23 - August 22) Your childhood dreams of being famous have finally come true! A photo of you has become a major viral meme in a small European country. I’m not going to tell you which photo. Or which country.

Famous Virgo: no this is not directed at anyone in particular.

LIBRA: (September 23 - October 22) Did you know that newborns sleep 15-17 hours a day and have to eat every 2-3 hours?

They also cry all the time. Your recent behaviour makes me think that you might actually be a newborn so I think it’s time to get your shit together. The year is almost over. Just stay focused and try to avoid the Dean’s office for a little while. I believe in you.

Your lucky numbers are: 0.11, 0.12, 0.17 Famous Libra: Maddy Torrie.

SCORPIO: (October 23 - November 21) Hello Scorpio! I regret to inform you that this month will be about as big of a struggle as when you have to put on skinny jeans right after getting out of the shower. So thatsucks.

Don’t worry though, if you’re ever feeling down just google picture of those dogs that get haircuts to look like they’re a circle. It will make you feel better I promise. Also, get excited for April 20th! Lima bean respect day is my favourite day of the year.

Your lucky number is: purple.

Famous Scorpio: Drake.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21) This month, your main emotion will be:

Your lucky numbers are: unlucky.

Famous Leo: DiCaprio VIRGO: (August 23 - September 22) Hey Virgo! It’s time to work to get back all of the Facebook friends that you lost after posting about your failing March Madness bracket every 5 seconds. Surprise a special someone with a gift, like an edible arrangement or a quick trip to Europe. Just a suggestion :).

Your lucky number is: 153.

Your lucky number is: 69 (lol).

Famous Sagittarius: Nicholas Cage’s character in National Treasure .

CAPRICORN: (December 22 - January 19) The moon is in it’s 2nd house of Jupiter,

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which is good news for literally everyone except for you. Try to counteract your inevitable Philanthropy, like being someone’s 4th like on their Insta, is guaranteed to make you feel as benevolent as Mother Teresa. Another idea is to recommend your favourite Netflix show to someone; their GPA may not like it, but they sure will. Giving back is so fun!

Your lucky number is: the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Famous Capricorn: LeBron James.

AQUARIUS: (January 20 - February 18) Your actions this month may be similar to that time when Kim Kardashian lost her earrings in the ocean. My advice is to stop overreacting to stupid things on Facebook and get a life. Pls. Your lucky number is: 3.

Famous Aquarius: that annoying kid from recess who always tells on everyone.

PISCES: (February 19 - March 20) Do you remember a few years ago when people used to share their own profile pictures with the caption ‘like the picture, not the link!!!’? Well, unfortunately people in your life are going to be equally as unbearably annoying this month. Stay calm and try not to kill anyone (or if you do don’t tell me because what I don’t know can’t hurt me).

Your lucky number is: 666.

Famous Pisces: Kendra Dempsey.

ARIES: (March 21 - April 19) Your love life will totally heat up this month, kinda like a small kitchen fire that results from accidentally putting metal in the microwave and ends up setting off the fire alarm in Trin at 4am on a Tuesday. So probably not in a good way. Sorry.

Your lucky numbers are: 7, 2, and $17.95.

Famous Aries: that one sketchy looking rabid squirrel that’s always in the quad.