Preparing for Marriage by Salt & Light Ministries

Preparing for Marriage Geoff & Mary Norridge

Preparing for Marriage

Geoff & Mary Norridge

Copyright © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013 ISBN for complete set of 6 volumes: 1 9024730 4 3 First Edition published 1998 Second Edition published 2000 Third Edition published 2013 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, photocopying or otherwise, without the prior written consent of the publisher. Unless otherwise indicated Bible quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society Used by permission Quotations marked AMP are taken from The Amplified Bible. Copyright © 1965, 1987 by The Zondervan Corporation The Amplified New Testament. Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. Published by Oxfordshire Community Churches, The King's Centre, Osney Mead, Oxford OX2 0ES Telephone (01865) 297400 Fax (01865) 297401 E-Mail Office@occ.org.uk Web www.occ.org.uk OCC is a charitable company: company limited by guarantee, registered in England and Wales, number 3223210; registered charity number 1056921 Authors: Geoff and Mary Norridge Layout: Andy O’Connell, Graphics: Beverley Jones

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

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Preface Like so many others, when we got married in 1968, our only preparations were for the wedding – not for marriage! It was some five years and two children later before we heard any teaching on Christian marriage, or became aware that the Bible had anything to say of practical importance on the subject. That teaching began to revolutionise our lives and our relationship – and continues to do so, for which we are deeply grateful to the Lord. More than twenty years of pastoral work with married couples has highlighted to us issues which, if addressed before marriage, would help people to avoid many pitfalls and much pain, and to experience more of “the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13). This course has been developed over a number of years and endeavours to address those important issues. Throughout Preparing for Marriage, we have attempted to provide a Biblical basis and perspective for each topic covered. Two particular Scriptures undergird the course and are found as recurring themes throughout. Firstly, the Scriptural picture of building a house: Through skilful and godly wisdom is a house (a life, a home, a family) built, and by understanding it is established (on a sound and good foundation). And by knowledge shall the chambers (of its every area) be filled with all precious and pleasant riches. Proverbs 24:3,4 (AMP)

(Quotes marked AMP are from the Amplified Bible).

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

The course logo reflects the second Scripture (which is dealt with in depth in the final unit):

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

Preparing for Marriage traces the stages of a man and a woman building their ‘house’ together: 1.

God’s Plan & Purpose

Getting Ready to Build

Laying Foundations

Building the Walls

Weatherproofing

Furnishing the Rooms

The units are thematically-based, not time-based. Whilst Units 1, 2, 4 and 5 can be completed in one session, Units 3 and 6 will need two sessions. Each unit contains ‘Talk About ...’ sheets and discussion points which the couple can do either as preparation to a session or as follow-up after a session. The course will work best if the couple leading it have been married for a number of years, and are willing to share honestly and openly about their own experiences and struggles and how they got through them. It can work well on a couple-to-couple basis, but we have found that it is always more fun if a number of engaged couples can be taken through it together. This course is not a substitute for personal pastoral care in marriage preparation. Indeed, we would expect it to raise matters which can only be dealt with properly in the one-to-one or couple-to-couple pastoral setting. We are very grateful to the many teachers and authors who have helped us on our journey, and who have given us permission to adapt and use some of their material. Our prayer is that this course will enable many couples entering marriage to discover the Lord’s blessing much quicker than we did! Geoff & Mary Norridge, Oxfordshire © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

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1. Unless the Lord Builds the House … How would you define ‘marriage’?

Biblical overview Read: Proverbs 24:3,4 (key passage) The idea of building may not seem initially to have much to do with marriage (apart from where the couple will live!) and may not seem very romantic. But often the romantic view of marriage is an illusion which hinders us from the realities. It is important to endeavour to build in God’s way: Through skilful and godly wisdom is a house (a life, a home, a family) built ... Proverbs 24:3 (AMP) © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

Identify the warnings about building : Psalm 127:1 1 Corinthians 3:10-13

Marriage is deeply woven into the very fabric of God’s purposes. The Bible speaks of marriage from Genesis 1 to the end of Revelation. The first one, between Adam and Eve, models God’s design for human society. Throughout the Old Testament, marriage is presented as a picture of God’s relationship with his people, Israel. A whole book, The Song of Songs, is about intimacy and sexual love in marriage. In the New Testament, we see that Jesus’ miraculous ministry began at a wedding, where there was abundance, fun, celebration – the best! (see John 2:1‑11). The New Testament Church is portrayed as the Bride of Christ, and the Bible ends with the Marriage that ends all marriages – The Marriage of the Lamb of God! The Bible is not a marriage manual, but it does show us what God’s intention is for marriages. It tells us how things went wrong, and how we can move towards recovering the divine intention, with God’s help. “Marriage is God’s best way of explaining himself.” Martin Luther (1453-1546)

In what ways do you think Luther’s statement is true?

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2. Through Wisdom is a House Built Through skilful and godly wisdom is a house (a life, a home, a family) built ... Proverbs 24:3 (AMP)

A life (i.e., the individuals)

What do the following Scriptures tell us about individuals of both sexes? Genesis 1:26-27 Psalm 8:4-6 Romans 3:22-24

The old Hebrew word for ‘image’ is the root of the modern Hebrew word for ‘photograph’. We reflect the glory of our heavenly Father in ways that the other creatures do not. Complete Talk About … Expressing Appreciation at the back of this booklet and discuss it with your partner.

A home (i.e., the married couple)

Marriage brings together two sinners, who are also two image-bearers. Keeping this in mind helps us to exercise respect for each another. The ‘home’ you are ‘building’ is your relationship together. It requires both partners to leave (their parents’) home. Home is not a place – but a person – our partner.

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

A family

God calls us, in due course, to ‘be fruitful and to multiply’. How does the Bible view children? Psalm 127:3-5 Matthew 18:10 Matthew 19:14

How do you and your partner view children? Have you discussed thoughts of a family of your own?

3. God Creates Marriage Genesis 1:26-31 presents the overview of God’s creation of man, whilst Genesis 2:1 onwards provides further details to the picture.

The need for relationship

Read: Genesis 1:1-18 Complete the following Scriptures: Genesis 1:1-25

“God saw that His creation was …

Genesis 1:26

“Let us make man …

Genesis 2:18

“It is not good …

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

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Man (both male and female) was the crown of Creation (Genesis 1:26-31). God has a heart for relationship and a hatred of loneliness. He created Adam and enjoyed fellowship and friendship with him. Adam, created in God’s image, also wanted relationships. He related to the creatures of the earth as their God-given ruler – those below him. He related to God as a subject – the One over him. However, his loneliness could only be met by someone who was like him – his peer – so God created Eve. Man (male and female) was created: •

for companionship

•

for fruitfulness

•

to rule together

How did God view Creation now? Genesis 1: 31

The beginning of marriage

Read: Genesis 2:24 What are the three steps God ordained? What is the implication or application of each? Step 1: Implication/application: Step 2: Implication/application: Step 3: Implication/application: © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

This passage is quoted three other times in the Bible (Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7; Ephesians 5:31); it is vitally important. It is a God-given order. Fallen man and the enemy always try to change God’s order (in this case by undermining the foundations).

Sexuality

What do the following Scriptures tell us about human sexuality? Genesis 1:27 Genesis 2:22-24 Exodus 20:14

Purpose

Every marriage has a God-given purpose. Immediately after God created Adam and Eve, he outlined their purpose in life together. Read: Genesis 1:28 How would you summarise their God-given purpose?

“We’re going to have an aching restlessness in our marriage – unless it stretches outside the two of us into God’s covenantal work in us and through us.” Dr Lesley Parrott 1

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Practically speaking, what do you think might be the God-given purpose for your marriage?

“A marriage is no better than its purpose. Marriage is not merely a convenience to overcome loneliness or an expedient arrangement to propagate the race. First and foremost, marriage is a mirror of the divine-human relationship. Every marriage is meant to represent God: his perfect relationship with himself – Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as well as his relationship with his people.” Dan Allender & Tremper Longman 2

4. Compatible or Complementary? Most cultures try hard to find a man and a woman who are compatible. For example, in India, horoscopes, family background, education, etc. are matched; in the West many resort to computerdating. It is imagined that total compatibility is the recipe for success and happiness.

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

What is God’s crucial compatibility requirement? 1 Kings 11:1-6 2 Corinthians 6:14-16

However, whilst some compatibility is important, it is not the only issue. Read: Genesis 2:18-25 “I will make [Adam] a helper meet (suitable, adapted, completing) for him.” (Genesis 2:18 AMP) Describe in your own words what Adam’s God-given helper would be like.

“And the rib or part of his side which the Lord God had taken from the man, He built up and made into a woman and He brought her to the man.” (Genesis 2:22 AMP) What does this imply happened in the creation of woman?

What was to be the nature of their relationship (v. 25)?

As ‘a suitable helper’, Eve was intended to complete Adam. Together they were to find a completeness and fulfil their God-given purpose – to bring glory to God; to reflect God’s heart for relationship and his hatred of loneliness. Woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to top him, not out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved. Matthew Henry (1662-1714) 3 © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Every person has both strengths and weaknesses. Let’s illustrate this with two halves of an egg. Here, peaks represent strengths, and lows represent weaknesses.

Unity can’t happen if the two halves are identical. In marriage, the Lord (via love?) brings opposites together for the purpose of supply and fulfilment. Many of the needs of each partner are met by the other.

Some adjustment will be required by both partners, which may involve a bit of pain. Problems can occur when strengths are allowed to clash. We have to learn how to adjust in order to allow the strength of one to complement the weakness of the other. When we discover completeness, it is beautiful and powerful! Husband and wife are not simply to be compatible (consistent, able to coexist) but complementary (mutually making up what is lacking)

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

Couples are not born to be compatible; they create compatibility. Willard F. Harley 5

Complete Talk About …Character Traits & Abilities at the back of this booklet and discuss it with your partner.

5. Planning Permission In order to build ‘legally’, planning permission is required. When it comes to marriage, people start ‘building together’ for all sorts of reasons. Suggest some reasons why people get married? • • • • • • • •

Put a tick against the ones that are valid or good reasons. Put a cross against the ones that are invalid or poor reasons. Discuss your reasons for making those indications. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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A Christian marriage is the total commitment of two people to the person of Jesus Christ and to one another. It is a commitment in which there is no holding back of anything. Marriage is a pledge of mutual fidelity; it is a partnership of mutual subordination. A Christian marriage is similar to a solvent, a freeing up of the man and woman to be themselves and become all that God intends for them to become. Marriage is the refining process God will use to have us develop into the man or woman He wants us to become. H. Norman Wright 6

Consider these questions in regard to your relationship: •

Do we have God’s approval to ‘build our house’ together?

•

In the light of what is happening to marriages today, why will ours be different?

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

Talk About … Expressing Appreciation We would all agree that it is good to express to a person our appreciation of them. So often, the appreciation is for something they have done or made. Much more effective and longer lasting is to express appreciation for who a person is. Pick out four of your partner’s positive character traits that you particularly appreciate. Write a couple of sentences of why you appreciate those aspects of their character, and then read to them what you have written. 1

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

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Talk About … Character Traits & Abilities This exercise7 is designed to help you recognise what each of you brings to your marriage relationship. Try to answer this as honestly as you can – not critically, over-modestly or egotistically! Strengths of temperament, character or personality Column 1 - Your partner

Column 2 - You

Skills and Abilities Column 3 - Your partner

Column 4 - You

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 1: God’s Plan and Purpose

Now compare your lists from columns 1-4. From your partner’s lists add additional qualities and strengths you may have overlooked. Together now list the character qualities of you and your partner which are similar (in column 5) and the differences (in column 6). Column 5 - Similarities

Column 6 - Differences

This is not a scoreboard of who brings most into the marriage! There is no way to place a value on any one quality. A quality considered to be a weakness may be a counterbalance to ensure a strength is not misused. Can you identify any of your own limitations in which your partner may be able to ‘strengthen’ you? © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Use this to understand more clearly how ‘The Two Halves Of The Egg’ illustration works for your relationship.

Acknowledgements 1.

Dr Lesley Parrott, Effective Pre-Marital Counseling, CounselTapes, American Association of Christian Counselors, Chicago, 1996

Matthew Henry, An Exposition of The Old and New Testaments, Partridge & Oakey, London, 1847, p.9.

Bob Mumford, Living Happily Ever After, Lifechangers, Raleigh, USA, 1995, p.8. Used and adapted by kind permission of Bob Mumford.

Willard F. Harley, Jr., ‘Technique: Marital Intervention’ in Marriage & Family: A Christian Journal, Vol. 1, Issue 1, 1997, p.65.

H. Norman Wright, The Premarital Counseling Handbook, Moody Press, Chicago, 1993, p.140. Used by kind permission of H. Norman Wright.

Dave & Joyce Ames, Looking Up The Aisle, Mission To Marriage, Mildenhall, 1994, p.39. Used and adapted by kind permission of Dave & Joyce Ames.

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 2: Getting Ready to Build

Unit 2: Getting Ready to Build

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1. Building to Last Read: Proverbs 24:3,4 (key passage) Matthew 7:24-27 In any building project, it is important to clear the site of whatever will get in the way of the new building. This may be stuff that is cluttering the surface or things buried beneath the surface which may cause subsidence or eruptions later. Large plants need to be uprooted and removed. Some seeds may need to be removed, or they may germinate and grow into new plants. Polluted soil may harm future occupation. If we are to build to last, the ‘site’ – our lives – needs to be properly prepared. This may not seem to be a very romantic picture, but remember: we want to deal with realities – not illusions.

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 2: Getting Ready to Build

The aim is not to make two perfect people, but to allow God to highlight what He wants to redeem and heal at this time, which he is well able to do. Note: This unit may raise issues which need to be resolved. You might want to seek help from your pastor.

2. Thinking Patterns and Philosophies These are like plants and seeds, and will bear fruit after their own kind. Read: 2 Corinthians 10:4-5 How do our thinking patterns and philosophies affect us? What does Paul call them?

Some key issues

Do you know what both you and your partner think about issues such as: • marriage? • sex? • relationships? • finance? • goals for life? • material goods? • children? • faith? © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Where did you get your concepts from? What are the possible or likely sources?

Do you know what God says about these various issues? It is important to identify wrong thinking and the reasons why we think like that – and to rectify it. Are there any recurrent phrases which often come to mind (e.g., ‘I’ll never be any good’, ‘Things never work out’)? How might marriage relationships as depicted on popular TV programmes affect your thinking?

View of self

A strong marriage is built by two secure people, although both the individuals and the relationship are growing and developing all the time. How we view ourselves will influence our marriage. It has been said that, typically, men often feel inadequate whereas women often feel insecure. Individual personal security will help build a good marriage. Otherwise, we will be constantly leaning on our partner. We need to know that: • • •

ultimately, our security is in God alone; we are children of God by adoption through Christ Jesus; God accepts us as we are (although He doesn’t want to leave us like it!)

We must accept ourselves, knowing that we don’t have to try to be anything – or anyone! © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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3. Dealing with Time-Bombs Many relationship issues can be time-bombs – unless we take steps to defuse them.

Family relationships

Leaving our parents in order to ‘cleave’ to our spouse is vitally important (Genesis 2:24). This will be covered in depth in a future session. We need to ensure that the leaving is as ‘clean’ as possible. Issues to be faced may include: •

unresolved conflicts with parents

•

having been over-dependent on them or over-independent of them

•

how your parents feel about the forthcoming marriage. Does it have their approval?

When you think about your family home and your new home: • What would you like to leave behind? Why? • What would you like to incorporate? Why?

Past relationships

Emotional ties are formed with those we have shared with deeply and intimately, or those who have been strong authority or ‘mentoring’ figures in our lives. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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These have not necessarily been wrong, but now it is important that it is our partner who has first place. “... by whatever any one is made inferior or worse or is overcome, to that [person or thing] he is enslaved.” 2 Peter 2:19 (AMP)

... or “whatever we give ourselves to enslaves us”. Are there relationships to which you have given yourself and which still have a hold or strong influence over you? What emotions are you aware of when you think about past relationships? e.g., • anger • anxiety • shame • sadness • idolising • fantasy • longing • peace

Living together outside of marriage

This is a violation of God’s order of leaving, cleaving, one flesh. Reports have shown that it can cause problems later in relationships. A survey by the Office of Population Census and Surveys found that the ages of the couple at marriage and length of marriages do not make any difference to the increased likelihood of divorce. However, couples who live together before getting married are up to 60 per cent more likely to be divorced than those who do not1.

Physical relationship

The sexual relationship has power for good

God reserves sex for marriage because it is more than a physical act. The sexual relationship is a wonderful expression of union within marriage. Something of self (body, heart) is given away to the other person.

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It unites two people physically as a reflection of the union of their souls. God only entrusts this level of union and vulnerability to people who are committed to each other for life. “Sexual intercourse is not the reason for a relationship but the celebration of the relationship. God limits this celebration to marriage.” Dave & Joyce Ames 2

The sexual relationship can be a power for evil

What consequences of sexual sin are indicated by these Scriptures? 1 Corinthians 6:18 2 Corinthians 12:21 Galatians 5:16-21 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 Hebrews 13:4 Deuteronomy 22:22 Colossians 3:5

Sexual sin enslaves us to the ‘gods’ to whom (in our case) we unwittingly yield ourselves. Every time we sin by misusing the sexual parts of our bodies, or by indulging in erotic fantasy by pursuing pornography or paying for time on erotic telephone numbers, their power over our behaviour increases. Sexual sin is sin because it is idolatry. And while idolatry can enter into many forms of sin, it does not do so in the way sexual sin seems to. John White 3

Sex can be a minefield of disaster when used wrongly. Sin eats away at the beauty God intends for a sexual relationship. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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This is true whether the sexual encounter has been: •

with previous partner(s) or the present partner

•

as a result of assault, abuse or violation (i.e., being sinned against)

•

“heavy petting” (i.e., sexual intimacy without the final component of intercourse)

The Bible calls sexual involvement outside of the marriage bond immorality, adultery or fornication. (The Greek word is ‘porneia’, from which we get the word ‘pornography’.) People who have violated God’s order in sex sometimes find a lack of sexual satisfaction or desire in marriage. That’s why God says that all sexual relationships before marriage are out! It is not because God is a killjoy. On the contrary, the opposite is true! He wants us to experience and enjoy the best. Godly wisdom demands that we keep away from ‘danger’ situations (i.e., where we can be tempted) before marriage and after! What safeguards are indicated by the following: 2 Timothy 2:20-22 Proverbs 5:1-10 1 Thessalonians 4:1-7

Have you set yourselves boundaries? If not, what could those boundaries be? How can you be on guard for one another?

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4. Removing Pollutants A.

Traumas

Various traumatic experiences (e.g., violence, abuse, burglary, etc.) affect different people in different ways. If we have not resolved them or are in the process of doing so we will take them into our marriage. Ask yourself: •

‘Have the anger and fear been resolved?’

•

‘Have I, at the very least, said to the Lord that I forgive them?’

•

‘Has the process of healing taken place (or is it underway)?’

How might traumas and disappointments of the past affect a marriage?

Bereavement

Bereavement will affect us all sooner or later, and on many occasions through our lives. It may not be only over the death of a loved one. Any situation where there is loss, real or perceived, may result in a sense of bereavement (e.g., miscarriage, abortion, divorce, redundancy, thwarted aspirations, etc.). •

“Has the grief been fully expressed?”

•

“Have you ‘let go’?”

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Disappointments

Disappointments can hang over us like a dark cloud. They can come from many different situations, e.g., in the work place, in education, in the church, in the family, with friends. If major disappointments are still with us, we may be in danger of looking to our partner to meet those dashed expectations for us.

5. Tools to Use to Clear the Site What does the Lord promise in the following Scriptures? Joel 2:25-27 Revelation 21:5

We may find that some issues can be handled just between ‘God and me’. For other issues, we may need to ask for help from our pastor.

Steps to getting free •

Face the fact that there is/was a problem: John 8:32

•

Repentance: tell the Lord that you are sorry © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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for your part in the matter, and that you are making a decision to turn from it. Read: 2 Corinthians 7:9-10 What is ‘godly sorrow’ and what is its outcome?

What is ‘wordly sorrow’ and what is its outcome?

•

Saying to the Lord that you forgive the other persons concerned, and to them personally if possible and appropriate.

•

Receive forgiveness from God.

•

Receive forgiveness from other persons concerned.

•

Pray for the Lord to heal and restore. (Asking another person to pray for you could also be very helpful.)

•

Draw on help and advice from others in order to walk on into the freedom the Lord has given you.

C o m p l e t e T a l k A b o u t … H o p e s , D r e a m s & Expectations (at the back of this booklet), and discuss it with your partner. Complete Talk About …What if ...? and discuss it with your partner.

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 2: Getting Ready to Build

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Talk About…Hopes, Dreams & Expectations Most of us build up hopes, dreams and expectations in advance of a forthcoming big event in our lives. Sometimes this has been happening over years especially when it concerns marriage. Try to gather your thoughts about the forthcoming big change, and note down what they are. Don’t forget to include such things as your home and its furnishings, income, children, sex life, family, holidays, etc.. Note down also any particular anxieties you have about your forthcoming marriage.

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Talk About … What if ...? 1.

Take your list from Talk About … Hopes, Dreams & Expectations, and consider: What if they aren’t fulfilled? How will that affect your marriage?

Now consider the following ‘What if ...?’ questions 4, and consider how these circumstances would affect your marriage? •

What if your spouse has to work night shifts instead of day shifts?

•

What if you cannot get along with your sister-in-law or brother-inlaw?

•

What if you cannot become pregnant?

•

What if you become pregnant unexpectedly?

•

What if your housing accommodation is far too small and you cannot afford anything larger?

•

What if one of you has a serious illness or accident?

•

What if your spouse spends more money on himself/herself than on you?

•

What if you find yourself in major debt?

•

What if your spouse loses their job?

•

What if your sex life is less than exciting?

•

What if you find yourself living in the city rather than the country, or vice versa?

Preparing for Marriage â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Unit 2: Getting Ready to Build

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Acknowledgements 1.

Reported in The Independent, 19 June 1992.

Dave & Joyce Ames, Looking Up The Aisle, Mission To Marriage, Mildenhall, 1994, p.19.

John White, Eros Redeemed, Eagle Publishing, Guildford, 1993, p.49. Used by permission.

H. Norman Wright, The Premarital Counseling Handbook, Moody, Chicago, 1992, p.79. Used and adapted by kind permission of H. Norman Wright.

ÂŠ Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 3: Laying Foundations

Unit 3: Laying Foundations

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1. Established on a Good Foundation Read: Proverbs 24:3,4 (key passage) Matthew 7:24-27 What did both houses face in due course? What was it that made the difference to the outcome?

We see that once the site is cleared, it is important to dig down to solid rock in order to build a house that will stand. Suggest some keys to building on a ‘solid foundation’. In this unit, we will look at some issues which, if followed through, will be bed-rock in any marriage.

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2. Jesus Christ Read: Isaiah 28:16 1 Corinthians 3:10-15 How is Jesus described?

What warning for us is given?

Personal walk with Jesus

It is vital to take responsibility for our own individual walk with the Lord and to maintain it. We cannot simply draw on our spouse’s relationship with Him.

Building your life together with Jesus

All Christians would no doubt agree that it is important for couples to pray and read the Bible together. A survey in 1993 of American pastors revealed that while 92% believed devotions or regular prayer with their spouse was important, only 49% prayed together at least weekly! Leadership Magazine 1 © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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This suggests that this is an area which is contested, so we must be prepared and determined to push through! Read: Matthew 18:19-20 What encouragement is there here for married couples?

Beginning to pray and read the Bible together

Discuss things which may be hindrances, e.g., •

‘spiritual dwarf’ syndrome (i.e. perceiving your partner as a spiritual giant)

•

fears of various kinds

•

‘holy disharmony’, i.e. various differences and preferences, such as (a) best time of day: is one a lark and one an owl? (b) styles of praying or worship (c) interpretation of Scripture (which may depend on church background)

A good goal is to pray together each day, but begin with what is achievable. Nothing breeds success like success.

Clarify your expectations by agreeing on a plan of action, e.g., • • • •

When will you pray and read the Bible together? How will you go about it? What will you read? How long will you set aside?

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Sharing together

Read: Malachi 3:16–17 What is a practice of the ‘those who fear the Lord’? Talk together about such things as: • • • •

your spiritual journey; what you feel God is doing with you; what you believe he is saying to you; what you’re seeing for the future;

•

what fresh insights you have from the Bible.

3. Covenant A.

Covenant in Scripture

In Bible times, it was common to look at all formal relationships from the standpoint of covenant. God established covenants with Adam, Noah, Abraham, etc. Let’s look at two examples.

Covenant between God and Abraham

Read: Genesis 15:7-21 In this story, God is depicted as walking ‘a pathway of death’ in order to enact the covenant. What is needed to bring a covenant into effect? (Hebrews 9:17) © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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What is needed for us to be fruitful? (John 12:24)

Some couples exist as ‘married singles’ because they continue to hold on to their old lifestyle.

Covenant between David and Jonathan

Read: 1 Samuel 18:1-4 This story pictures the heir to the throne, Prince Jonathan, making covenant with the shepherd, David. Jonathan signifies the heart of the covenant by stripping himself of various items. What might the application of these actions be for you as an individual in your relationship? Item

Implication

robe

status

tunic

covering

sword

the right to be defensive

bow

the right to attack

belt (and purse?)

finances

Application

Marriage as a covenant relationship

Read: Malachi 2:14-15 What has God made? In what ways are husband and wife God’s? What is God seeking? © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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What two things are we then told to do?

4. The ‘Three Legs’ of Covenant There are three stages to enacting the covenant. It is like a three-legged stool – if one leg is missing, it cannot stand. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united (AV: ‘cleave’) to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 (see also Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:7; Ephesians 5:31)

Leave

Definition: to forsake, to depart from, to leave behind. This is probably the hardest step for many couples. It can become a central issue in many conflicts later in married life if not dealt with properly.

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The ideal: a ‘clean leaving’

•

Both sets of parents giving their blessing to the marriage.

•

Both father and mother releasing their son/ daughter to the wife/husband.

•

Marrying for the right motives (i.e. God’s match, love, common vision for life),

In the following Scriptures, who is the issue of ‘leaving’ addressed to? Genesis 2:24 Psalm 45:10-12

In practice, women often have greater difficulty leaving parents than men do.

A total leaving

Read: Ruth 1:16-18 The story of Ruth and Naomi is a beautiful example of the ‘leaving’ involved in a covenant relationship. Ruth wholeheartedly committed herself:

...to leaving

...in order to embrace

her family

another person

her country

another culture

her god

the Lord

Leaving—a transference of loyalty

The basic loyalty of both husband and wife is transferred from the childhood family to the nucleus of a new family. This is crucial to a healthy marriage. This is to be an entirely new family that must set its own course. The primary loyalty must no longer be to the parents’ priorities, traditions or influence. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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‘Home’ is now where your partner is.

Pleasing our partner as our priority

In decisions about life and actions, each partner should ask themselves: not

‘What would my parents think?’ ‘How would my parents react?’ ‘How do my actions affect my parents?’

but

‘What would my spouse think?’ ‘How would my spouse react?’ ‘How do my actions affect my spouse?’

Intimacy

True intimacy cannot occur if parents or others hold equal or greater access to our heart than our spouse.

Faith

In getting married, you are setting out into the unknown, a future full of opportunities. Our parents and the past are no longer to define who we are and what we do. Both the man and the woman agree before God that their marriage relationship is now the most important human relationship in their lives. What is God’s assurance to you? (Hebrews 13:4-6)

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Cleaving

Definition: to cling, stick, stay close, to be joined together, to be attached by some strong tie; to be welded together. The older form of the Marriage Service included the words: What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.

To ‘put asunder what God has joined together’ is like being drawn and quartered. Many people have said that emotionally that is what divorce feels like.

One flesh

Definition: intimacy. Only in the setting of a committed covenant relationship is there the trust, loyalty and love which is necessary in order to share vulnerably, openly and deeply.

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5. Covenant Summarised •

Covenant binds two people together in relationship.

•

Covenant requires forsaking of others; leaving parents and past liaisons.

•

Covenant has the verbal declaration of a solemn oath, i.e. the marriage vows.

•

Covenant means commitment, which brings security.

•

Covenant is permanent – ‘til death do us part.

•

Covenant stands in both peace and adversity.

•

Covenant is exclusive – just ‘the two of us’.

•

Covenant involves mutual loyalty.

•

Covenant means laying down one’s life – ‘Your good at my expense’.

•

Covenant means developing oneness, not living as ‘married singles’.

Think about the questions posed in Talk About … The In-Laws (at the back of this booklet), and then discuss your answers with your partner.

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6. God’s Order for Marriage: Part 1 — Mutual Submission Brainstorm: What do the terms ‘submission’ and ‘headship’ imply?

Mutual submission – the Christian lifestyle

Read: Ephesians 5:18-33 What is the basis of our submission (5:21)?

Submission is a principle which runs clearly throughout the Bible. It is God-ordained. The word used in this verse for ‘submit’ or ‘be subject to’ comes from a Greek military word, ‘hupotasso’, meaning ’to put oneself under, to recognise the authority of another’ .2 Within the order of the Godhead, Jesus is in submission to and is obedient to the Father. Thus the issue is not equality or superiority, but function. A key word of relationship in the New Testament is the Greek word ‘allelos’, meaning ‘one another’, which occurs in dozens of verses. Mutual submission is an outworking of this general Christian principle of relationship. It does not mean © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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subservience or becoming a doormat or slave, but consciously putting others in a position of higher priority than ourselves. Our aim must be: not...

but...

lording it over another

showing respect, love and honour

dominating

serving

mastering

ministering to each other

commanding

carrying out the wishes of another

Submission is a decision of the will and an attitude of the heart. It requires plenty of grace! Identify some aspects of submission from the following Scriptures: Ephesians 5:18 James 2:8 Matthew 7:12 Philippians 2:3-4

Mutual submission in marriage

Before embarking on the intimate relationship of marriage, we should ask ourselves: Am I willing to give up some of my freedom and independence to another person? Am I ready and willing to submit myself to this particular man or woman? Do I think this person is willing to submit himself or herself to me?

ÂŠ Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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7. God’s Order for Marriage: Part 2 — The Husband, the Head of the Home Read: 1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:22-28 Who does not have a ‘head’? Who is the head of every man? Who is the head of the wife? What is the man’s headship to be like? What is the wife’s submission to be like?

In marriage, both partners have roles to play and jobs to do. They are created to be of equal worth, but to have different functions.

An American therapist found that ‘central to any relationship (including marriage) is power’. Couples bring all sorts of problems to his marriage guidance clinic, when the real issue is power. Often the root issue is either that one of the partners is trying to control the relationship, or that both of them are afraid of being controlled. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Problems also occur from two quite opposite positions. The first is when two dominant individuals marry, and both are determined ‘to rule’. The second is when both the marriage partners are afraid of both power and control, and there is no expression of any order or influence at all. The result is ‘a meandering, aimless, indecisive relationship muddling along in a sea of mutual incomprehension and impotence’.3 In any kind of organisation, someone must assume leadership. In the family, according to the Bible, that ‘someone’ is to be the husband.

(Mutual submission does not compromise the headship of the husband – it enhances it. It is the only workable path to a strong marriage.)

A creation principle

When God created Adam, he established a permanent, eternal and universal principle of the husband’s headship in marriage. What reasons are given for this principle? 1 Timothy 2:13 1 Corinthians 11:9 1 Corinthians 11:12

This teaching is unfashionable and unpopular – but true!

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A redemption principle

Read: 1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:22-23 ‘Head’ refers to ‘authority’. It was used of such things as: a capital city; the one with whom the buck stopped; the one who had the final say and final responsibility. God intends marriage to reflect the Gospel to the world, so a man’s exercise of headship should reflect Christ’s headship of the church, including his provision, protection, love and respect.

Exercising headship

A divine appointment

Read: Genesis 2:24 (see also Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:8; 1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:22-23,31) Who is it who leaves his parents’ authority in order to set up a new home?

A matter of role and function

Headship is nothing to do with superiority, intelligence, ability or strength. In a situation that requires organising people to accomplish a task, each person’s function and role need to be delineated. For example, in the human body, the head directs, cares, considers and adjusts.

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Unconditional love

What qualities of love are indicated in Ephesians 5:25‑31? 5:25 5:28 5:29 5:31

Leadership

Styles of leadership differ greatly, and God allows a lot of freedom and variety. What leadership qualities are shown in these passages? Mark 9:35; Philippians 2:7 Mark 1:16-17 Acts 1:1-2 Matthew 10:1 Zephaniah 3:17 Luke 10:38-42

Right headship is not a matter of dominating or demanding – but nor is it abdicating responsibility.

Authority and responsibility

Headship involves both authority and responsibility. The head of every home answers to the head of every man – Jesus Christ! He holds every husband accountable for the way his family is managed. It’s awesome! That’s an incentive for taking into account other perspectives – especially your wife’s!

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Living considerately

How are husbands to live with their wives (1 Peter 3:7)? What is the benefit of observing this Scripture?

To treat your wife with respect (i.e. value, reverence) involves such things as: •

listening with an open mind;

•

making her feel special in the presence of others;

•

including her in decisions affecting both of you;

•

not treating her like ‘one of the lads’;

•

seeing her as your complement (‘your reverse image who fills up the empty spots’);

•

remembering the differences between male and female.

As we have seen, this is crucial to spiritual health. What might be the effect on your wife of not ‘living with her considerately’?

With godly wisdom But the wisdom from above is first of all pure (undefiled); then it is peace-loving, courteous (considerate, gentle). [It is willing to] yield to reason, full of compassion and good fruits; it is wholehearted and straightforward, impartial and unfeigned – free from doubts, wavering and insincerity. James 3:17 (AMP)

Why are the various attributes of divine wisdom not in conflict with exercising headship? © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Paul says (in Ephesians 5:28), love your wife because she is your body, an extension of your own body. Her body literally has become your body. Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones 4

8. God’s Order for Marriage: Part 3 — “Wives, Submit to your Husbands” Read: 1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Peter 3:1-6

Secular view vs. Bible teaching

As with many spiritual concepts and issues, there is a conflict between Biblical teaching on submission and the secular view, e.g., Secular concept

The Truth

People are sovereign individuals, who have an inherent right to be completely independent of anyone else.

We are interdependent. We all ultimately submit to God. We all must submit to each other to have anything like an interpersonal relationship.

Submission has led to much abuse. It is a one-way street, and leads to marriage becoming a form of dictatorship.

The husband is the head of the wife, and should lead by sacrificing first for those he is called to serve (c.f. the life of Jesus; Ephesians 5:25-30).

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Real submission

Real submission of a wife to her husband is about: •

having a submissive attitude towards Christ in the first instance; • a heart-attitude which comes from seeing that God is in authority over the husband; • being loving and supportive; • recognising that the husband has a Godgiven place as head of the home; • offering her perspectives, preferences and wisdom, and helping them as a couple to make wise decisions; • recognising that God holds him responsible for the family. Real submission of a wife to her husband is not about: • • • • • • • •

being a doormat, or inferior; being left out of decision-making; keeping quiet and not expressing her opinion; devious control or mindless obedience; the husband always being right and always ‘winning’; his word being her command; the wife trying to usurp his position. returning to ‘Victorian’ stereotypes

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Fruit of submission

Read: 1 Peter 3:1-6 Submission leads to changed behaviour, e.g. • • •

peace (i.e. a gentle and quiet spirit, but not timidity), respect for others, steadfastness.

Headship and responsibility

Like Adam and Eve, husband and wife are called to rule in life together. Thus, the wife also exercises responsibility and headship in specific areas, which they agree upon together.

Options in a time of disagreement

•

Press the point, e.g. forcing the issue, arguing the issue, nagging, which result in anger and strife. How does this contrast with Philippians 2:14-15?

•

Give up and abdicate any responsibility.

•

Exercise your personality, resources and wisdom to help find the mind of the Lord – but still respecting your husband, and not belittling him.

•

Pray about the matter together.

•

Hand the matter over to God, i.e. lay down our own ways and go God’s way.

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How does Proverbs 21:1 help in taking this stance?

Consider in turn each of the options listed above. What might be the response of the husband? What might the overall outcome be? (There is a proviso: when a husband’s behaviour demands something that is contrary to God’s law, then it is to God’s law that the wife must submit.) Complete Talk About …Role Expectations (at the back of this booklet), and discuss it with your partner.

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Talk About … The In-Laws 1.

How do your parents feel about your plans for marriage?

What emotional ties with your parents interfere with your relationship? Explain.

How do you think your in-laws view you?

What would you consider to be ‘interference’ by your in-laws?

How do you think your parents view your partner?

What one thing about your partner’s parents do you dislike?

What three things about your partner’s parents do you really appreciate?

What customs in your home differ from those in your partner’s home?

Describe how and where you would like to spend your first Christmas.

10.

What have you done in the past to let both your own parents and your in-laws know they are important to you?

Used and adapted by kind permission of H. Norman Wright 5 © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Talk About … Role Expectations Circle the numbers according to your view: 1 – strongly agree 2 – agree 3 – not sure 4 – disagree 5 – strongly disagree 1 2 3 4 5 The husband is the head of the home 1 2 3 4 5 The wife should not be employed outside the home 1 2 3 4 5 The husband should help regularly with the dishes 1 2 3 4 5 The wife has the greater responsibility for the children 1 2 3 4 5 Money that the wife earns is her own 1 2 3 4 5 The husband should have one night a week to himself 1 2 3 4 5 The wife should always prepare the meals 1 2 3 4 5 Money can best be handled through a joint account 1 2 3 4 5 Marriage is a 50/50 partnership 1 2 3 4 5 In an impasse the husband should make major decisions 1 2 3 4 5 Husband and wife should plan the budget together 1 2 3 4 5 It is proper for a woman to sometimes initiate lovemaking with her husband 1 2 3 4 5 Neither partner should purchase an item over £10 without consulting the other 1 2 3 4 5 The father is the one to discipline the children 1 2 3 4 5 A wife who is talented should have her own career 1 2 3 4 5 The husband should take his wife out for a meal at least twice a month 1 2 3 4 5 It is the husband’s job to keep the garage clean and do the gardening 1 2 3 4 5 The mother should be the teacher of values 1 2 3 4 5 Children should help plan the family activities 1 2 3 4 5 Women are more emotional than men 1 2 3 4 5 Children develop better in a home where there is strict discipline 1 2 3 4 5 The wife should always obey her husband 1 2 3 4 5 Neither partner should bring their parents into the home to live 1 2 3 4 5 The wife is just as responsible as the husband in disciplining the children 1 2 3 4 5 A couple should always spend their leisure time with each other

Used and adapted by kind permission of H. Norman Wright 6 © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Acknowledgements 1.

David Goetz, ‘How Pastors Practice the Presence of God’ in Leadership Magazine, Fall 1993, Vol. XIV, No. 4, page 31. Used by permission.

W E Vine, Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words, Oliphants, London, 1975, Vol. IV, page 86.

Prof. Anthony Clare, ‘Wedded Bliss: Is it A Myth?’ in The Sunday Times, 4 March 1990.

Dr D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Commentaries On Ephesians, cited in Mark R. Littleton, Submission Is For Husbands, Too, NavPress, New Malden, 1988, p.124.

Wes Roberts & H Norman Wright, Before You Say “I Do”, Harvest House, Eugene, Oregon, 1978, p.48. Used and adapted by kind permission of H. Norman Wright.

Wes Roberts & H Norman Wright, Before You Say “I Do”, Harvest House, Eugene, Oregon, 1978, p.41. Used and adapted by kind permission of H. Norman Wright.

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 4: Building the Walls

Unit 4: Building the Walls

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1. By Understanding it is Established Read: Proverbs 24:3-4 (key passage) If a builder has an appreciation of the materials he is using to build a house and how they can be fitted together, he will use them wisely. If we have a greater understanding of each other and what makes us tick, we will be better equipped to build ‘our house’. In this unit, we will look at the things which will help to deepen our relationship. Let’s begin on a somewhat light-hearted note: Complete Talk About … Differences (at the back of this booklet), and discuss your answers with your partner.

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2. Ingredients of a Relationship Every marriage relationship has these ingredients1:

Cost This is part of every relationship. It is paid in the areas where we disagree, or would make different choices or have different preferences. We count things as ‘cost’ when we have to give up activities and things we enjoy for the sake of the other person.

Blending The cost of a relationship can never be totally eliminated, but it can be reduced as we develop understanding common interests or understand reasons for our partner’s choices or preferences. That is, we learn to blend our ideas and tastes.

Communication As we communicate with each other, we grow to understand each other more, and learn why each has different interests and preferences. This understanding and appreciation reduces the sense of cost, and we are enriched ourselves as a result.

Physical intimacy Physical intimacy promises to seal and secure the relationship but this is a deception. Relationships become secure only when we know our partner and we are known by them. Sexual intercourse is the © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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celebration of a relationship – not the reason for it. The Bible limits this celebration to marriage. As the ‘blending’ increases, so does the celebration! The interaction of these ingredients can be seen in these two graphs: The first depicts an ideal courtship during which physical intimacy and cost are low, while communication and blending are high. The benefits are reaped after the wedding in a deepening relationship in all areas.

The second graph is typical of many modern relationships. The cost is rising because there is blending. Blending is low because communication is low. The physical aspect is going great, until it peaks and falls off. The reason for this fall is the fact that romantic love cannot be sustained without an underlying friendship. Friendships develop only when there is adequate exploration to know each other. When this exploration is conducted mainly through the ‘Braille system’, knowledge is limited to the body. Communication draws to a standstill when a couple find themselves in a ‘lip-lock’. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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3. Differences A marriage is made up of two equal but profoundly different beings. Each of us, whether male and female, is uniquely made in the image of God. Here are some of the ways in which we differ. Whilst not attempting to be prescriptive, differences need to be understood, accepted, honoured and respected.

Personality differences

Regardless of gender, differences in personality are widespread. Throughout history, different personality types have been recognised. Perhaps the most well-known are the four types: sanguine, melancholic, choleric and phlegmatic. No-one is characterised by just one temperament, but is probably a blend of two or three. What is important is to recognise that our personality is all part of the package of differences that we bring into the marriage.

Strengths and weakness

Clearly, there are differences in the area of skills and character traits (which we looked at in Talk About … Character Traits and Abilities in Unit 1). In addition, we are all on a journey to spiritual maturity.

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Motivational gifts

Read: Romans 12:3-8 Everyone has been given gifts by Father God. Often what may appear to be our ‘natural response’ to situations may be the expression of a God-given gift. Here are some suggested definitions of these gifts2: •

prophetic – a desire for correct living; exposes unrighteousness – first in his own life, then in others’.

• •

serving – meets practical needs. teaching – clarifies truth; always looking for facts and truth. exhorting – stimulates the faith of others; calls people up higher to do better; almost a cheerleader. giving – uses personal assets to meet needs, not just to bless; thinks in terms of giving. leading – orchestrates; co-ordinates the activities of others to achieve common goals. mercy-giving – identifies with and comforts those in distress.

• • • •

Using Talk About … Motivational Gifting (at the back of this booklet) may help to bring you understanding of both you and your partner. (Please bear in mind that this is not diagnostic – but only an indicator. It can be used to aid understanding of one another – not to make excuses for certain behaviour or responses!)

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Gender differences

A common mistake is to think that women and men are basically the same, but just packaged differently! How did you fare with Talk About …Differences? A cover of TIME Magazine was entitled “Why Are Men and Women Different? It isn’t just upbringing. New studies show they are born that way”.3 Many medical scientists agree that there is plenty of evidence on the anatomy of the human brain to show that there are major differences between males and females. For example, women use a different part of the brain for language skills from men. Apparently, women use an additional region behind the right eyebrow!4 However, we need to remember there is no such thing as a stereotypical man or woman.

4. Communication Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship. No marriage can flourish without effective communication. How we talk to each other reflects the quality of our relationship as well as the depth of our character. A lack of communication squashes hopes and visions and breeds a ‘let’s-just-get-by’ mentality. However, spouses who respect each other and value each © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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other’s point of view share and plan together, and support each other in their common vision. Understanding how words can affect the other person will help to improve our communication.

Styles of communication

Deborah Tannen, a feminist sociologist, set out to prove men and women are the same and ended up with a totally different conclusion, especially in the area of communication. She relates the following story 5: The following conversation took place between a couple in their car. The woman had asked, ‘Would you like to stop for a drink?’ Her husband had answered, truthfully, ‘No’, and they hadn’t stopped. He was later frustrated to learn that his wife was annoyed because she had wanted to stop for a drink. He wondered, ‘Why didn’t she just say what she wanted? Why did she play games with me?’ The wife was annoyed not because she had not got her way, but because her preferences had not been considered. From her point of view, she had shown concern for her husband’s wishes, but he had shown no concern for hers. In understanding what went wrong, the man must realise that when she asks what he would like, she is not asking an information question but rather starting a negotiation about what both would like. The woman must realise that when he answers ‘yes’ or ‘no’ he is not making a non-negotiable demand. The husband and wife in this example had different but equally valid styles. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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So, men and women communicate in very different ways. Here is a summary of some main differences: Men

Women

Talk to exchange information.

Talk to share feelings and convey caring and involvement.

Information is passed on like Information passed on like a book review: brief and to the the whole book: with all the point. details. Journalist’s style: the main point is in the first paragraph, and subsequent paragraphs, give additional information.

Novelist’s style: the plot is slowly unfolded, giving all kinds of details, and often getting to the point only at the end of the story.

Ingredients of communication

Of the three ingredients in communication, we see that words don’t play the major part! Let’s look briefly at the other two:

Tone of voice

Say the following sentence several times, using different tone of voice and putting emphasis on different words: “I never said you stole the money”.

Non-verbal (i.e., body language)

As we can see from the pie-chart, the saying ‘Actions speak louder than words’ is true! © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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What are some types of non-verbal communication?

If our words and actions do not agree, we send a very confusing message!

Components of communication

•

talking – sharing feelings, hopes, fears, etc.

•

listening – being attentive, maintaining eye contact, giving feedback, posture.

•

understanding – reflecting back in order to clarify. Words are the tools that shape the heart. When we speak in accordance with the heart of God, we help to shape order, purpose and beauty out of chaos. Dan Allender 6

Power of words

Read: James 3:3-6, 8-10 Look at the Scriptures, and complete the table: Scripture

Type of words

Effect

Proverbs 12:18a Proverbs 12:18b Proverbs 15:4a Proverbs 15:4b Proverbs 15:31 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Hebrews 3:13

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“Research shows that whether a couple validate one another a lot or a little doesn’t matter a whole lot for how that couple will do over time. But the degree to which they show invalidation matters a tremendous amount.” Dr. Scott Stanley 7

The ladder of communication

Communication operates at several levels, which can be illustrated by the rungs of a ladder. These range from simple cliche to total openness and honesty. Real communication only begins as we express our feelings, (i.e., we share something which is personal to us).

At what level do you and your partner communicate with each other? What could you do to ‘move further up the ladder’?

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Some listening principles

Identify the listening principles in these Scriptures: Proverbs 15:23 Proverbs 16:1 Proverbs 18:13 Romans 12:15 Ephesians 4:29 James 1:19

Complete Talk About … How Good You Are At Listening (at the back of this booklet), and discuss it with your partner.

The problem of filters 8

Consciously or subconsciously, we are assessing everything communicated to us with the question: ‘How does this affect me?’ We answer that question by passing what we see and hear through internal filters. These have been developed over the years through our lifeexperiences and as a result of our personality.

How we answer the question internally will determine the manner in which we reply, respond or react outwardly. Is the communication perceived to be enhance our security or threaten it? © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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If we can understand our own filter system and our partner’s filter system, we can be more effective in loving them in a way which they will receive as love.

Understanding

‘To understand’ means ‘to gain a full mental grasp’. Note down keys to understanding in these Scriptures: Proverbs 14:29 Proverbs 18:2 Proverbs 18:15

In order to be sure that you’ve understood, it is helpful to ‘reflect back’ – to tell the other person what you think they’ve said, and to receive their response to that. When they are sure that you’ve understood what they’ve said, you’ve communicated with each other.

Some principles for sharing feelings

We saw from The Ladder Of Communication that real communication only begins when we share feelings. It is important to handle one another carefully when we begin to share in depth. Here are some principles which will help you talk openly: •

Feelings are neither right nor wrong – they just are. See them as indicators, like instruments in a car.

•

Don’t blame feelings on the other person: ‘You make me feel ...’ is not true – it is our filter which is to blame. The other person is doing a certain thing and we interpret it in a certain way which elicits a given emotion.

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•

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Don’t condemn another person’s feelings when they share them – it stifles sharing to the intellectual level.

What sort of things are barriers to good communication? What steps can you take to avoid confusion arising out of the different male and female styles of communication?

Handling differences

No-one is perfectly balanced – otherwise they would be a bore! That’s why your partner needs you – to complement them. •

Recognise that each aspect of every person has both strength and weakness.

•

Receive your partner as a ‘whole package’ – not as some one you intend to change.

•

Learn to appreciate what they are.

•

Respect them as a person made in the image of God, reflecting something of His creative genius.

5. Family Planning Logically, this topic belongs in Unit 6, but it is important for you to make decisions about contraception well in advance of the wedding day. It also a good opportunity to try out your communication skills! Bear the following points in mind in order to make © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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an informed decision: 1.

The Bible gives no clear or definite word for or against birth control. Thus it is not a basic moral issue.

The Bible does not teach that sex in marriage is only for procreation.

The Bible does teach that one of the results of marriage is procreation and that children are a blessing (e.g., Psalm 127:4-5).

The Bible does not teach how many children a family should have. God does not have the same blueprint for every family. Every family situation is different, with different resources and challenges.

God holds parents responsible for each child they have.

Without contraception, a healthy young couple could give birth to a child each year of their childbearing years.

Everyone believes in some form of birth control. No one would suggest that a woman should always be pregnant. Abstinence is a form of birth control.

Assess your attitudes and motives in deciding about birth control, e.g., attitudes towards children.

Do take a responsible and considered approach to birth control. Don’t just ‘go with the crowd’, but find out about the different methods and their pros and cons, (e.g., condoms, caps, coils, pills, rhythm method, etc.). Talk it through together to arrive at a decision about which you are both at peace.

10.

In deciding what method of birth control

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should be used, the ideal contraceptive should meet three requirements: •

it must be entirely harmless, without possible injury to wife, husband or future children. (Some methods are ‘abortifants’, including some contraceptive pills and IUD ‘coils’);

•

it must provide a high degree of protection;

•

it must be acceptable – simple to use, low in price, aesthetically satisfactory;

11.

Talk about it with an older married couple you trust.

12.

Pray together about it.

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Talk About … Differences For questions 1-18, tick the appropriate box. For 19-20, write your estimate in the box.(Answers at the end). Him 1

Who generally lives the longest?

Who has the most ribs?

Who can have hormone disorders?

Who tends to use one side of their brain at a time?

Whose sexual arousal is like a microwave oven (i.e., push the button and they’re cooking)?

Whose sexual arousal is like glowing charcoal (i.e., needs fanning into a flame)?

Who is more competitive?

Who shows emotion more readily?

Whose intuitive skills are less evident?

Who would prefer to be respected before being liked?

Whose self-esteem comes mainly from a romantic relationship?

Who would tend to talk with a ‘fix-it’ style?

Whose prime goal is to be understood?

Who thinks a good relationship is important for good sex?

Who thinks good sex is important for a good relationship?

Who thinks they’re the better map-reader?

Who has the greater need for protection and security?

Who is attracted to a member of the opposite sex more by visual appearance than emotional relationship?

How many words per day does the average man and woman speak?

A USA ‘Communication in Marriage’ survey was conducted with 10,000 people. How was the following question answered?: “ How much time per day or wek would you like to spend talking and chatting with your spouse?”

Her

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Talk About … Motivational Gifting

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Read each of the following statements. If any of them is true of you, mark your score in the space provided on the following scale. In some sections there may not be any that apply to you; in other sections several may apply. 3–very accurate

2–fair description

1–only sometimes true

0–not at all applicable

The following statements sound like me:

I easily relate to other people emotionally.....................................................___

I have no problem in entrusting my assets to others to use as they see fit...___

I can put complicated things into understandable words............................___

I am able to see the truth in a situation and do not hesitate to expose it......___

I put other people’s comfort before my own..................................................___

I know where I’m going in life and am able to take others with me.............___

I am happy to spend time with those who are ignored by the majority........___

I can always see the positive side of things...................................................___

I enjoy providing hospitality for guests........................................................___

When I talk/share about spiritual things my main aim is:

To build people up by helping them to know God more...............................___

To bring hope to people with needs..............................................................___

To bring people to a point of decision, to invoke a response.........................___

To tell people what they must do to be doing the will of God.......................___

To inform people, to help them to remember spiritual principles and to understand more of the Bible.............................................................___

If I am going to talk to or share with people:

I spend a lot of time studying and preparing...............................................___

I spend a lot of time waiting on God to get things clear..............................___

I spend a lot of time thinking about and praying for the people with whom I will share.................................................................................___

I usually speak spontaneously......................................................................___

I’m not very keen to preach or share.............................................................___

I’d rather give someone else the opportunity to preach or share..................___ © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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I feel most useful amongst:

People who have big visions which I can support financially......................___

Efficient people who want to be led...............................................................___

People who need things doing for them........................................................___

People who are hindered in their spiritual growth for some reason.............___

Troubled, wounded or broken people............................................................___

People who ask questions because they want to learn..................................___

People looking for clarity in their spiritual motivation................................___

If a job needs doing:

I call upon the most able person to do it.......................................................___

I do it myself.................................................................................................___

I find someone who has never done that job before and give him instruction in it............................................................................................___

I pay someone to do it professionally............................................................___

If a needy person is brought to me:

I will find something of my own money (or other possessions) which will lessen the person’s difficulties...............................................................___

I will speak to the character flaw or area of disobedience which caused the need.............................................................................................___

I will minimise the need and encourage him to help himself........................___

I will offer sympathy and understanding.....................................................___

I will sum up the situation objectively and call in the right person to help...........................................................................................................___

I will give helpful advice to avoid getting in this need again.......................___

I will put myself out to do something practical to help................................___

I govern my finances efficiently because:

It saves time and muddle to do it well..........................................................___

I want to maximise my resources for the Lord’s work.................................___

I am concerned to avoid unrighteousness.....................................................___

It pleases my pastor......................................................................................___

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On the negative side:

I tend to be too harsh....................................................................................___

I tend to overlook uncomfortable details.......................................................___

I tend to walk over people to achieve my goals.............................................___

I tend to give things instead of myself..........................................................___

I tend to be pedantic and worry about details..............................................___

I tend to do too much for people and prop them up......................................___

I tend to be too soft and sentimental.............................................................___

Now transfer your scores to the grid on the next page and add up your totals.

ÂŠ Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Prophetic

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 4: Building the Walls

Serving

Teaching

Exhorting

Giving

Ruling

1i 2c

1g 2e

6a 7c 8a

Mercygiving

2b 3c 4e

Totals

Now mark each gift’s total on this bar-chart to see your Motivational Gift Profile:

Prophetic

Serving

Teaching

20 18 16 14 12 10 8 6 4 2 0

Exhorting

Giving

Ruling

Mercygiving

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Talk About … How good you are at listening 9 Answer each question by circling on a scale of 1-5: 1=never, 2=rarely, 3=sometimes, 4=usually, 5=always. 1

Do I listen to my partner’s feelings as well as to the words spoken?

Does my partner listen to my feelings?

Do I interrupt - or complete my partner’s sentences?

Does my partner interrupt me?

Do I make decisions that affect my partner without first listening to what he/she has to say about them?

Does my partner do that to me?

Do I give my opinions before my partner has finished?

Does mypartner do that to me?

Do I take an ative interest in what my partner is saying? (i.e. pay full attention, look at me while I am speaking)

Does my partner take an active interest in what I am saying? (i.e. pay full attention, look at me while I am speaking)

Do I really try to understand my partner’s point of view?

Do I feel that my partner tries to understand me?

Do I listen without criticising?

Is my partner able to listen without criticising?

Can I listen without giving unasked for advice?

Can my partner listen without giving unasked for advice?

Am I sensitive to the non-verbal messages my partner gives?

Is my partner?

Am I able to listen without becoming defensive? Is mypartner able to listen without becoming defensive?

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Talk About … Differences (Answers) Him

Her

Who generally lives the longest?

Who has the most ribs?

Who can have hormone disorders?

either can

Who tends to use one side of their brain at a time?



Whose sexual arousal is like a microwave oven (i.e., push the button and they’re cooking)?



Whose sexual arousal is like glowing charcoal (i.e., needs fanning into a flame)?

Who is more competitive?

Who shows emotion more readily?

Who needs more intuition?

10 Who would prefer to be respected before being liked?

 both the same

    

11 Whose self-esteem comes mainly from a romantic relationship? 12 Who would tend to talk with a ‘fix-it’ style?

 

13 Whose prime goal is to be understood?



14 Who thinks a good relationship is important for good sex?



15 Who thinks good sex is important for a good relationship?



16 Who thinks they’re the better map-reader?



17 Who has the greater need for protection and security?



18 Who is attracted to a member of the opposite sex more by visual appearance than emotional relationship?



19 How many words per day does the average man and woman speak?

1000

25000

20 A USA ‘Communication in Marriage’ survey

15 mins, twice a week

45 mins, each day

was conducted with 10,000 people. How was the following question answered?: “ How much time per day or wek would you like to spend talking and chatting with your spouse?”

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Acknowledgements 1.

Dave & Joyce Ames, Looking Up The Aisle, Mission To Marriage, Mildenhall, 1994, p.21. Used and adapted by kind permission of Dave & Joyce Ames.

Original source of definitions and Talk About ... Motivational Gifting untraced. Adapted by authors.

TIME Magazine, January 20, 1992.

‘Men and women: minds apart’ in The Sunday Times, 2 March 1997

Deborah Tannen, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, Virago Press, London, 1992, page 15. Used by permission. Authors original italics.

Dr. Scott Stanley, Preserving Love & Marriage, CounselTapes, American Association of Christian Counselors, Chicago, 1996.

Dave & Joyce Ames, Looking Up The Aisle, Mission To Marriage, Mildenhall, 1994, p.64. Used and adapted by kind permission of Dave & Joyce Ames.

Communication Workshop Manual, Rapport (part of Care for the Family, Cardiff), p.19. used by kind permission of Peter and Barbie Reynolds.

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 5: Weatherproofing

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Unit 5: Weatherproofing

1. Introduction Read: Proverbs 24:3,4 (key passage) In Matthew 7:24–27, what was the common experience of both house builders? What is the key to ‘building on rock’?

An aspect of building wisely is to make plans about how to handle ‘bad weather’, which will ensure our ‘house’ is not damaged. In this unit, we will deal with handling conflict, and handling the limited resources of time and money, which can both be sources of conflict.

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2. Handling Conflict A.

Causes of conflict

Marriage does not suddenly get rid of all the problems that existed before the wedding. If anything, marriage may enlarge some problems! What issues could be causes of conflict?

When two people live in such close proximity to each other, they become more aware of minor faults and idiosyncrasies in each other. These can blow up out of all reasonable proportions – unless there is a strategy in place to deal with them. The question is not whether conflicts will occur, but how they are handled when they do.

The most successful marriages are those where forgiveness is often asked for and freely given.

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Resolving conflict

Some poor methods 1

Have you or your partner ever used any of the following ways of dealing with a disagreement? Method

Description

Bury

You bury the problem, hoping it will go away; you hide it, so neither of you can see the problem.

Blast

You go off with a big blast like a bomb, hoping it will destroy the problem.

Bolt

You bolt off and run away from the problem so that you don’t have to face it with your partner.

Bargain

You bargain with your partner and use another problem to put pressure on them about the original problem, and so you never sort it out!

Be-a-Baby

You try to manipulate your partner by going weak and pathetic.

Buck-pass

You plead that you couldn’t help it, because it was a result of the way you were brought up.

Blameshift

You present a cast-iron case as to why it was ‘all their fault’.

Him

Her

Why are none of these really satisfactory?

Our goal should be not to win or withdraw – but to resolve every conflict.

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What is important?

There are many ideas about what is important in solving a problem, e.g., •

Making sure you pick the right time

•

Dealing with just one thing at a time

•

Admitting that you feel bad about something and why you feel bad

•

Giving both of you equal time to have your say

•

Offering or asking for forgiveness

•

Agreeing on a compromise where both sides gain

•

Working out together the details of any new way of doing things, making sure you both know what each of you is going to do differently from now on.

Which idea do you think is the most important in helping us to solve a problem? Why?

A way forward

If we have the following in place as underlying principles and attitudes, we will find it easier to deal with conflict. •

Pray first.

•

Accept that conflict is inevitable. Don’t be frightened of it.

•

Remember: your partner is not your enemy – the problem is.

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•

Make it a goal not to win or withdraw, but to resolve every conflict

•

Focus on learning how to control anger.

•

Deal with conflicts as soon as possible – but pick the right place and the right time; ask for permission to raise the matter.

•

Communicate clearly.

•

Talk about ‘I’ – not ‘you’.

•

Never say ‘You never...’ or ‘You always ...’.

•

Listen and be willing to accept criticism.

•

Keep a good ear on your conscience.

•

Be neither under-responsible nor over‑responsible.

•

Forgive.

•

At the end of every day, clear anything between you, or agree to resolve it the next day.

Why do you think each of these aspects is valuable in conflict resolution?

Specific aspects

Let’s look at some aspects in more detail:

Handling offence or hurt

Identify guidelines for dealing with offence from the following: Proverbs 17:9 Proverbs 19:11 1 Peter 4:8

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What kind of things do you think can be overlooked?

What kind of things do you think should be confronted?

Bear in mind that sometimes we can cause more unnecessary trouble by not finding grace and love to cover the offence. What should we do when we know we have offended another person? Matthew 5:23-24 Matthew 18:15

What about anger?

What does Ephesians 4:26-27 tell us about anger?

Note: there is a difference between anger, which is an emotion and aggression, which is behaviour. Anger is a God-given emotion which serves as a motivator to get us to resolve conflicts, and anger is not a sin unless it is expressed wrongly. Dick Williams 3

There are three types of anger: •

anger specific to the situation;

•

indirect or displaced anger: i.e., the real reason for the anger is nothing to do with the current situation, but spills over from another recent conflict, perhaps with someone else;

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•

chronic or unresolved anger: i.e., the real reason for the anger goes back to issues in the past.

Handling anger

Don’t… •

…let the sun go down on your anger. It may be best to agree to resolve the issue in the cool light of day – rather than talk on into the night! Tiredness can cause us to lose perspective.

•

…boil – it will result in eruption. Allow yourself time to cool down. As Thomas Jefferson (US President, 1801-1809) said, « When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred ».

•

…react – instead, respond. The difference is about 3 seconds!

•

…wait too long – it will result in anger simmering for another time.

Do… •

…try to slow down your talking – it helps to avoid saying things you will regret later.

•

…give others permission to tell you if you’re getting out of control.

•

…ask others if you’ve offended them. There are always two sides to every conflict.

•

…give up the right to revenge (1 Peter 3:9).

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Communication and confrontation

Pick out the guidelines for communication in conflict in the following Scriptures: Proverbs 15:28 John 8:32 Ephesians 4:15 Ephesians 4:25

Define the problem as clearly as you can; listen carefully to your partner and reflect back what you hear them saying.

Trying to find a solution

•

Ask yourselves: « What does the Bible say on this matter? »

If there is nothing clear: • • • • •

be open to various options (i.e., brainstorm) try one out if it doesn’t work, try another be open to not doing it your way share in what ways you are willing to change your behaviour.

Forgiveness

Read Ephesians 4:32. What does a lifestyle of forgiveness mean practically?

Read Matthew 18:21–35. What sort of attitude lay behind Peter’s question?

What does Jesus’ answer imply?

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A summary of forgiveness

•

Forgiveness chooses to release the offender by cancelling the debt. It sets them free and sets us free.

•

Forgiveness acknowledges the reality of the offence.

•

Forgiveness gives up resentment and the right to revenge.

•

Forgiveness is an act of grace – it is undeserved (Ephesians 4:32).

•

Forgiveness gives second chances. Twelve words that hold a marriage together « I am wrong » « I am sorry » « Please forgive me » « I love you » Cliff Barrows, Billy Graham Evangelistic Association

3. Handling Money Both time and money are limited resources, and very easily used up. How we handle them indicates our true priorities. It is important to use them carefully so that we do not become frustrated and impoverished. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Basic attitudes

Read: Ecclesiastes 5:10; 1 Timothy 6:6-10 What is the key issue highlighted in these verses? What is the antidote?

Money has all the potential to be an area of conflict and stress in any relationship unless it is handled well. This takes planning and agreement together about how to go about it. Money can either be a master or a servant. How might this be outworked? Ecclesiastes 5:19 Matthew 6:24 Luke 6:38 Luke 16:10-12 1 Timothy 6:9-11

Living by faith

What should our attitude to money be? Proverbs 11:28 Galatians 3:11 Hebrews 13:5-6

ÂŠ Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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Giving to God

What do these Scriptures tell us about giving? Proverbs 3:9-10 Malachi 3:10 Matthew 23:23 1 Corinthians 13:3 1 Corinthians 16:2

What do you think « firstfruits » (Proverbs 3:9) means for your situation?

Dealing with debt

What do these Scriptures tell us about debt? Proverbs 22:7 Romans 13:8

If you find yourselves getting into debt: •

stop spending on anything which is not a necessity;

•

ask for help sooner, rather than later, before the problem mushrooms. A parent, your pastor or your bank manager might be able to advise you.

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Planning to save

What indications about saving are in the following Scriptures? Proverbs 13:22 Proverbs 21:20 Luke 14:28-30 2 Corinthians 12:14

Making a spending plan If you do not budget, then at best you are handling your money by ‘guestimates’ and at worst you are just hoping for the best. This is neither spiritually nor practically sound. Living by a budget will undoubtedly make your money go further. When you fail to budget there is frequently « too much month left at the end of the money ». Keith Tondeur 4

As you approach the practical aspects of using money: •

Decide which of you is best able to manage it on a daily basis (but remember: the buck stops with the husband!).

•

Resolve to live within your means and to stay out of debt.

•

Draw up a budget of how you will use your money, including allowance for the larger irregular bills.

•

Spread out your outgoings by paying by monthly Standing Orders or Direct Debits.

•

Distinguish between ‘needs’ and ‘wants’.

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•

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Keep your accounts up-to-date by: •

deducting regular outgoings (e.g., standing orders, direct debits, etc.) at beginning of each month;

•

treating cheque and credit card payments as cash by deducting each one from your balance as they are written.

•

Carefully check bank statements and credit card bills each month, and reconcile them with your own accounts.

•

Review your budget regularly, making adjustments as necessary to ensure that it balances. A budget tells your money where to go otherwise you wonder where it went. J. Edgar Hoover (1895–1972, Director of the FBI)

Spend time discussing the use of your money using Talk About … Making A Spending Plan

Writing a will

This may seem a strange thing to mention in a marriage preparation course, but seven out of ten people never make a will. This can cause a great deal of distress to those left behind and in some cases it can cause hardship. Valued possessions may not be distributed as their owner would have wished. It is easy to think that we don’t have enough money to make it worthwhile, but it is surprising how much we are worth when everything is added up.

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Without a will, the law, not you, says who gets what. It is sensible to consult a solicitor to ensure that the document accurately represents your wishes.

4. Handling Time Like money, if it is not « ruled », time disappears! Many people think that once they get married, they will have plenty of time together, but if definite times of « togetherness» are not planned, this will prove to be a myth! What does ‘togetherness’ mean to you?

There is often a lot of talk about « quality time » – as though it were a choice. It is a myth: we cannot have quality time without spending a quantity of time together. ‘Quality’ can not be produced spontaneously. Once you are married, there are many additional demands on your money, but « going out together » is as important after marriage as it was before.

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Fun and togetherness doesn’t have to cost a lot! If you are lost for ideas, ask some couples who have been married for some time what they have found works. Plan at least one ‘date’ each month after you are married.

Suggest some « low-cost » things you can do together. • • • • • • • • • •

You manage time – or it manages you!

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Talk About ... Making A Spending Plan Work out together what you think you will need to spend on each item in the ten sections of this sheet each month. Some of the things listed only come round every three months or even once a year. In each case, you will need to work out what allowance you should make in your plans per month. Keep a careful account on an ongoing basis, and update your projected budget accordingly. Check: •

that what you earn is more than what you plan to spend. If it isn’t, go back and revise your budget;

•

that you both agree that you have the right balance between spending on necessities, luxuries and savings;

•

that neither of you feels that you are spending too much on anything.

A. Expenditure

B. Income

Giving

Rent/mortgage

Housekeeping

Household bills

Loan repayments £

Car expenses

Spending money £

Work expenses

£ £

His salary/wages, per month Net, £ Gross, £ Her salary/wages, per month Net, £ Gross, £ Family Allowance

Other

Total Income (B)

9. Holidays & Christmas £

C. Difference

10. Savings

Total Expenditure (A) £

Total Income (B) Difference

£ £

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Giving

Car

Tithes

Loan or depreciation

Offerings

Car repairs

Total giving

Car tax

Car insurance

Petrol & oil

Total car

2. 3.

Rent or mortgage £ Housekeeping

Food

Cleaning materials

Newspapers, etc.

Dentist’s fees

Prescriptions

Medicines

Birthday gifts/presents £ Total housekeeping 4.

Hire purchase

Student loans

Owed to relatives

Credit card repayments £

Spending money

Clothes – his

Clothes – hers

Clothes – children

Hair – his

Hair – hers

Hair – children

Hobbies & sport

Entertainments

Spending money – his £

Loans repayments

Total repayments

Household bills:

Electricity

Gas

Council tax

Water rates

Telephone

Repairs and DIY

Insurances:

House

Contents

Life Insurance

TV & video hire

TV licence

Spending money – hers £ Pocket money – children £ Total spending money £ 8.

Working expenses

Tools and equipment

Fares to work

Meals at work

Professional/union

Total work expenses

Holidays & Christmas

Holiday costs

Holiday spending

Christmas gifts

Christmas extras

Total hols/Christmas £ 10. Savings

Total household bills £

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Acknowledgements 1.

Based on material from Family Alive! Used and expanded by kind permission of Roger Vann.

ibid

Dick Williams, « More Than Just Talking: The Art of Communication » in New Wine Magazine, Mobile, Alabama, Vol. 13, No. 6, June 1981, p.32.

Keith Tondeur, Your Money and Your Life, Triangle, London, 1996, p.30. Used by permission of SPCK.

Preparing for Marriage – Unit 6: Filling the Rooms

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Unit 6: Filling the Rooms

1. Looking at Love Read: Proverbs 24:3-4 (key passage) Which of the following definitions of love do you agree with? Why? •

‘Love is a feeling you feel when you get a feeling that you’ve never had before.’

•

‘Love is a perpetual state of anaesthesia.’

•

‘Love is a friend, a fire, a heaven and a hell – where pleasure, pain and sad repentance dwell!’

•

‘Love is a grave mental disease.’

•

‘To love somebody is not just a strong feeling – it is a decision, it is a judgement, it is a promise.’

•

‘Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.’

•

‘Love is the invisible presence of God with us teaching us within how to do right to each other’ – St. Augustine. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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2. Three Kinds of Love Complete Talk About …The Biblical Concept of Love (at the end of this booklet) and discuss with your partner the implications for your relationship. The Greek language has four words for ‘love’. It is too complicated to describe with just one word. We will consider three: ‘philia’, ‘agape’ (both of which are found in the New Testament) and ‘eros’. Eros

Philia

Agape

Romantic: sensual, sexual, erotic

Friendship: intimacy, companionship, communication, co-operation

Self-sacrificial: requires nothing of the other person

Suggest some practical examples of each...

Every marriage needs all three types of love. If couples put effort into developing philia and agape expressions of love, they will find that eros increases too. But remember that all three must be given conscious effort and attention.

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3. Philia Love A.

What is ‘intimacy’?

Without looking at the definition below, how would you define ‘intimacy’?

Intimacy is the joyful union that comes when two people learn how to give love and how to accept love … Intimacy requires a ‘being known’ that is mutual; it involves learning not only more about the other person but also more about ourselves.1

Ingredients for marriage intimacy

There are four ingredients which help to increase intimacy in a marriage. Suggest a practical expression of each of them: Affectionate caring (says “I care about you”) Vulnerable communication (says “I trust you”) Joint accomplishment (says “I need you”) Mutual giving (says “I love you”)

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The ‘emotional tank’

Just as a car needs petrol, we all need plenty of ‘emotional fuel’ if we are to function and grow. Full ‘emotional tanks’ help us to feel the security and self-confidence we must have to cope with the pressures, influences and demands of life – otherwise, we give in to the wrong ones! This requires input into each individual by others. The emotional tank is filled by the three Ts of: •

Time – spent with just them;

•

Talk – sharing at all sorts of levels, especially things meaningful to us;

•

Touch – anything from a pat on the shoulder to full sexual relationship.

All three can be interpreted as expressions of affection, love, concern, support, acceptance, consolation and encouragement. We must be the primary source of supply for our marriage partner’s tank, and they must be ours.

4. Eros Love As a husband and wife become more physically, emotionally and spiritually vulnerable to each other, they will experience more of the joys of sexual pleasure. © Oxfordshire Community Churches 2013

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This does not happen overnight, but it can be seen as a journey of adventure and exploration! The good news of the Bible is that within marriage, husbands and wives are free to adapt and grow in enjoying one another’s bodies.

Non-biblical attitudes about sex

The early church

As we saw in Unit 2, we are all influenced by our society and culture. Many of the leaders of the first century church converted to Christianity from the pagan Greco-Roman world. They were influenced by contemporary philosophy, which stemmed mainly from Plato. He considered body and soul to be quite separate: the soul was the eternal part of a human being, whilst the body was a prison that would be thrown away at death. This background was instrumental in some curious responses by these early church leaders. For example, Origen (c.AD185–c.254) castrated himself. Augustine (AD354–430) converted from a promiscuous lifestyle, and retreated from fleshly contact with the opposite sex. He equated sexuality with his pagan past, and thought it was best avoided. Jerome (c.AD347–c.420) would throw himself into thorny brambles so that pain overwhelmed desire for a female body. When this failed, he took up the study of Hebrew! Plato’s philosophy can still influence the thinking of Christians today, and many still have a sense that the body is not very important and that it is the spirit which really matters. These attitudes and thinking are not in line with Biblical teaching.

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Preparing for Marriage – Unit 6: Filling the Rooms

Secular view

Current views and attitudes in our culture are very mixed, and cause sex to be an area of difficulty for many people because of widespread wrong ideas and concepts. Films often show unreal portrayals of approaches to sex. They present unreachable images of sexual prowess by fast men and women with a male sexual response rate! Both men and women can be left feeling ‘What’s wrong with me?’ In the light of all the above, what is the counsel given in Romans 12:2?

J. B. Phillips paraphrased this graphically as: Don’t let the world around you squeeze you into its own mould, but let God remould your minds from within.2

What will help to ‘renew our minds’?

Sexual relationship in marriage – Old Testament

Let’s look at some ‘specimen’ passages from a few books of the Old Testament.

Genesis

Read: Genesis 1:27-31; 2:24-25 As we saw in Unit 1, •

God created us in his image. In our nonphysical aspects, we are created as complete

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individuals – intelligent, relational, having free-will, accountable; •

God created us with physical bodies, which exhibit sexuality. The maleness of man and the femaleness of woman were declared by God to be ‘very good’;

•

God created us with the capacity to reproduce;

•

God ordained marriage as the relationship in which two individuals became one flesh – bodily and spiritual union in sexual intercourse.

What do you think are keys words in Genesis 2:24–25 with regard to sex in marriage?

The Ten Commandments

What two things does Exodus 20:14 imply about sexual needs?

Proverbs

Throughout the Bible, a favourite symbol for the sexual relationship is water (e.g., fountains, streams, cisterns, springs, wells, etc.). Read: Proverbs 5:1-8, 15-21 What warnings are given in these verses? In contrast, what positive instructions to men are given?

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What symbolic words are used to describe the wife? What does it imply about the sexual drive?

Song of Songs

Song of Songs exalts the fidelity between married lovers. It describes the physical bodies of married lovers in the non-offensive and vivid language of oriental poetry. This includes feelings, attitudes, imaginations, dreams, spiritual joys and the romantic happiness of marriage. It implies techniques of sexual arousal between husband and wife.

Sexual relationship in marriage – New Testament

Honour what God honours

What two attitudes does Hebrews 13:4 call us to have about marriage and the marital sexual relationship?

Marriage in the will of God

Read: 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 The Revised Standard Version translates ‘each of you should learn to control his own body’ as ‘know how to take a wife for himself ‘ 3. What do you think this means?

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Mutual responsibility

Read: 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 Now read this free translation of the same passage by Herbert Miles 4: Because of the strong nature of the sexual drive, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should regularly meet his wife’s sexual needs, the wife should regularly meet her husband’s sexual needs. In marriage, just as the wife’s body belongs to her husband and he rules over it, so in marriage, the husband’s body belongs to his wife and she rules over it. Do not refuse to meet each other’s sexual needs, unless you both agree to abstain from intercourse for a short time in order to devote yourselves to prayer. But because of your strong sexual drive, when this short period is past, continue to meet each other’s sexual needs by coming together again in sexual intercourse. What tells us that the Bible recognises that both husband and wife have definite and equal sexual needs? How should these needs be met in marriage? What does it say about meeting our own sexual needs? What does it say about meeting our partner’s sexual needs? What is the balance between spiritual discipline and sexual needs?

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Summary

What reasons for God’s gift of sex are indicated in the following Scriptures? Genesis 1:28; Deuteronomy 7:13,14 Genesis 2:24; 2:20b Song of Songs 4:10-12 Proverbs 5:18-19 1 Corinthians 7:2

E. 1.

Practicalities Different responses

Sex is a profound personal experience between husband and wife. It involves the whole personality: body, soul (i.e., emotional, volitional and rational realms) and spirit. Each of these five aspects is important to both men and women in the sexual relationship – but in different ways. Response

Physical

Emotional

Volitional (i.e.,the will) Rational (i.e., thinking)

Men

Women

A man’s sexual reponse is said to be like a gas ring (it can be turned on and off quickly).

A woman’s sexual response is said to be like an electric ring (it takes time to warm up and to cool down).

Visual appearance is a primary motivation. The Bible expects a man to delight in his wife’s physical appearance (c.f. Proverbs 5:19).

Visual appearance is probably only of secondary importance to many women.

This becomes of growing importance as time goes on, but not as much as to a woman.

This is very important. The loving caring attitude of the husband will draw a response. An easy relaxed atmosphere with plenty of time is important.

A decision of the will to make a gift of one’s self is sometimes needed - rather than to take.

A decision of the will to make a gift of one’s self is sometimes needed.

Simply thinking about sex with his wife can throw the ‘switches’ for most men.

Talking together in a caring way and taking a positive attitude to the sexual act being ‘a journey’ helps many women to be responsive.

Sexual oneness has spiritual dimensions.

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Love-making skills

Like many other things in life, love-making is a skill to be learned, i.e., how to please and satisfy your spouse. It is not simply a matter of ‘doing what comes naturally’! There are lots of books about love-making which can be helpful, and we strongly recommend that you read one given in the list ‘Suggestions for Further Reading’ at the end of this booklet. However, no-one should be intimidated by books (even Christian ones)! Although they can be very helpful, it must be remembered that they are written largely from one couple’s point of view – based on their experience, their relationship and how they respond. Their experience will probably not be yours completely! In the early days, things may not quite go according to plan – but don’t worry! Enjoy it all as part of your journey together, and learn to laugh. It is important to develop the ability to talk together about likes and dislikes, preferences, desires and aspirations. Complete ‘Talk About …Making Love’ (at the end of this booklet) and then discuss it with your partner.

Boundaries

People often want to know, “What is OK?” Fundamentally, it is a matter of selfless giving, not selfish getting. What standards are set in these Scriptures? Philippians 4:8 Hebrews 13:4

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Within this Biblical framework, we can be guided by what is acceptable to our partner, by what gives them pleasure and is not offensive to them. If you have any doubts, talk to a Christian married couple you trust.

5. Agape Love Read: 1 Corinthians 13 (if possible, in several different translations and paraphrases) Notice that there is no mention of emotion in this passage! This is ‘agape’ love which is self-sacrificial love. It increases the other types of love and brings them to their highest potential. Read: John 12:24,27 What are the two choices presented here?

As we saw in Unit 3, we have to ‘die’ for the sake of the relationship and discover the oneness with our partner that God has for us.

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How might ‘dying to self’ be expressed in marriage?

Adam was created in the image of God who is both a relational being and lover. But how does God express his love? ‘For God so loved the world that he gave...’ God is a giver and he wanted Adam to be a giver, sensitive to the needs of others – but God has no needs! God knew that for Adam to reach his potential he needed more than possessions, position and a relationship with him. Adam needed to be in a relationship with another being that he could give to. Dave & Joyce Ames 5

Oneness comes as our relationship grows – as we spend time together and as we deepen our understanding of one another by sharing ourselves.

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6. Power to Live By A.

Two are better than one

Read: Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 For what three reasons are “two are better than one”? Reason 1: Application: Reason 2: Application: Reason 3: Application:

Two are better than two!

Synergism is defined as ‘the combined activity of separate agencies such that the total effect is greater than the sum of effects of each agency alone’.6 For example, two people working separately may accomplish the work of two, but two working together in harmony can accomplish much more. What is the synergetic effect in the following Scriptures? Leviticus 26:8 Matthew 18:19-20

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Out of the unity of our marriage relationship, we can be powerfully effective in prayer, in our home, our family, our community, etc.

From 1 Peter 3:7, how should we live together, and why?

Review Unit 3, page 2 on praying together.

Three are better than two

God doesn’t expect us to struggle on our own. He wants to help us. What statement of faith is made in Psalm 27:13? What was Jesus’ promise to his disciples in John 14:16?

‘Another’ is a translation of the Greek word, ‘allos’, meaning ‘another of the same kind’ (i.e. like Jesus). ‘Counsellor’ is a helper, an intercessor, a strengthener or an intimate friend who acts as a personal advisor. It is a translation of the Greek word, ‘parakletos’, which means ‘one called alongside to help’. God, by his Holy Spirit, wants to be active to help us in situations we find difficult. If we ask him, he’ll help us in any and every area of our life and marriage.

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The three-fold cord

Read: Ecclesiastes 4:12 The writer suddenly changes from ‘two’ to ‘three’. Write out the sentence which refers to ‘three’:

The strength of a three-stranded rope was proverbial in the ancient world. Rope (or cord) is made of twisted strands of fibre arranged so they are held together by friction when strain is applied to the whole. A given quantity of fibre can be used to make rope of two, three, four or more strands. However, the largest number of strands which can all touch one another simultaneously is three – and it is from this that the strength is derived. A two-stranded rope is weaker, and a four-stranded rope is not stronger because all the strands no longer touch one another. With a rope of three strands, one – or even two – of the strands may be under pressure and start to fray – but as long as the third strand holds, the rope will not break. In a Christian marriage, the three strands of relationship are:

husband

wife

husband

God

wife

God

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The strength of our marriage is dependant upon these three strands, as they are intertwined to form a strong rope of relationships. All relationships face difficulties at times. Using the picture of the rope, we can think of difficulties as times when one strand is weakening for some reason, the two other strands then support the weakened third strand. Bearing in mind the description of rope we have just read, think about and discuss: •

What would happen if the marriage simply depended on the one strand of husband-wife?

•

What is the advantage of more than one strand?

•

What can you do to maintain the health and strength of all three strands?

Complete Talk About … Marriage Vows (at the back of this booklet), and share what you have written with your partner.

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Talk About … The Biblical Concept of Love Here are just a few of the passages of Scripture which helps us to love from God’s perspective. Look up some of them, and note down the central thought: Proverbs 17:17 Matthew 6:24 Matthew 22:37–40 John 3:16 John 13:34 Romans 13:8–10 Romans 14:15 Galatians 2:20 Galatians 5:13 Ephesians 4:2 Ephesians 5:2 Ephesians 5:25 1 Peter 4:8 1 John 3:16–18

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Talk About ... Making Love These questions are for you and your partner to discuss together on your own. It may help for you to begin by considering the questions yourself first. As you share your different answers, try to understand each other’s feelings. This is no bad thing because the same approach is right for sex itself! 1.

How often do I think we will want to make love?

What would be the most romantic times and places for making love?

How will we know what kinds of touch and stimulation are exciting for each other?

Some women have orgasms rarely. Does this matter to me?

How will the wife’s menstrual cycle affect our sex life (including pre-menstrual tension)?

How do we feel about using a variety of positions in intercourse?

What will we do if one of us wants to make love far more frequently than the other?

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How will I be able to tell my partner that I am not in the mood for sex without them feeling hurt or rejected?

Which of the following do I feel would help our sex life?

10.

Plenty of time to make love

Having the lights out

Talking together as we make love

Plenty of affection before intercourse

Both of us feeling equally happy to make the first move or respond to our partner

Other (specify):

Are there any anxieties I have about our sex life?

Fear of failure

Inadequacy

Fear of looking silly

Embarrassed by the thought of being naked in front of my partner

Embarrassed about my responses

Fear of pregnancy

Other (specify):

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Talk About … Marriage Vows Your wedding service may include the ‘usual’ vows: Will you take [your partner’s name] to be your husband/wife? Will you love him/her, comfort him/her, honour and protect him/her, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him/her as long as you both live? I take you, [you partner’s name], to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God’s holy law; and this is my solemn vow.

If you were to write your own personal marriage vows, what would they be? Review what you have learnt about Christian marriage through this course, and write what you would like to express to your partner as your wedding day approaches. When you have written them, read them to your partner, and pray together that the Lord would help you to fulfil them.

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Acknowledgements 1.

David & Jan Stoop, The Intimacy Factor, Nelson, Nashville, 1993, p.13.

J.B. Phillips, The New Testament In Modern English, Collins, London, 1958, p.315.

Herbert J Miles in The Marriage Affair, J Allan Peterson (ed.), Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois, 1971, p.388.

Dave & Joyce Ames, Mission To Marriage Newsletter, Mildenhall, 1997.

The Penguin English Dictionary (revised edition), Penguin Books, London, 1969.

Suggestions for further reading 1.

General

Looking Up The Aisle, Dave & Joyce Ames (Mission to Marriage) 124 pages The Sixty Minute Marriage, Rob Parsons (Hodder & Stoughton) 106 pages Marriage – The Early Years, Ian & Ruth Coffey (Kingsway) 220 pages Ten Principles For A Happy Marriage, Selwyn Hughes (MarshallPickering) 64 pages

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The Engaged Couples Handbook, Mike & Katey Morris (Crossway Books) 192 pages

Covenant

The Marriage Covenant, Derek Prince (Derek Prince Publications) 120 pages

Communication and differences

Communication: Key To your Marriage, H. Norman Wright (Regal) Men Are From Mars – Women Are From Venus, John Gray (Collins) 286 pages Man To Man About Women, James Dobson (Kingsway) 175 pages

Love-making

Intended For Pleasure, Ed & Gaye Wheat (Scripture Union) The Act of Marriage, Tim & Beverley LaHaye (MarshallPickering) 315 pages A Touch of Love, John & Janet Houghton (Kingsway) 190 pages Solomon on Sex, Joseph Dillow (Thomas Nelson) 195 pages

Money

Your Money and Your Life, Keith Tondeur (Triangle, SPCK) 170 pages