Fantasy, Reality,

Chapter 1, Its been a long day went sailing, in a storm, got back, , and the next day almost drowned in the lake. The feeling that went by my self, were amazing and free and not pretty, as scared as I was. So this is my story. Being, tossed by long, black eyes Susans in the water, made me think. My favorite flower, almost had me. So it made me think should I like the things I love. Its all so much to be desired. I would miss lots of things, such as my whole life. What was my best years of my life, I couldn’t think of any, its all sort if stangel just wanted to get out, and be fine with my family, didnt what harm to come to me, my body, my body was what I was worried about. But its all so much, I really felt plain, and ugly before that, I had a second chance at life could of died, I was saved by a man. He taught meow to tread water . I dint learn how. Well I knew I would drown someday for not listening to my teacher. But I ddi, listen to my swim teacher just didnt understand. He didnt have patient, time for me. And I was so sad and lost drowned. But , then I think about the childish feeling, it is to be unpainted, but maybe I was hard to help. So, im almost to find, the day, I could find time to help myself, to keep the time, to find the times to, become to know my name now. But ti didnt want to learn this way. But not anyway. I almost died before, life didnt flash before my eyes. I felt nothing, well its hard to, know, if its happens, again, I guess .

Chapter 2 Well I cant keep the time, to being sad that day, I felt a little dissapointed of im here again but kissed the ground and I sure did. I was so shocked and happy, that I made it that day. Without my parents, they didnt know. Now im gonna be okay be a better person . Didnt know how to be. I graduated from school, wanted to have a job since my dad made a big deal, to my brother. A job was important . Didn’t know why. So I wanted to know why it was so important. Its important, its like im dreaming all the time, and cant get back to normal. Still cant. Had to go to the hospital again to get better. But that didnt happen, took my pils again . But had a thought didnt think about it, that night, went to sleep. No dream, for the first time, did I hurt myself. I was to meet my second, love that year. I fall in love a second time. The next big love. It was incredible huge love, no one would let me date hi, cause, they thought to much love, which didbnt make sense to me. Oh well, very dissapontked I was. But, had a new boyfriend, no I didnt, went through a hard person, in my life , I didnt wan to be Lon Ley like the ten years I was lonely before. So, I decided to date and , date online. So find guys to date online would keep me in the dating, game, trued everything to single dating, sites, on the computer. So, im really not very pretty, but could have some good features my eyes, so I decided to date. Oh well its so much to find, another guy, took me, 4 years to find one online, I didnt know how to date first, inline to random strangers. And started to date not online, and got mixed up with dating online . With dating offline, I had other options, couldn’t quite think about it that way. Im so much to find, the time to be okay, I felt okay, but , confused as I could be? Its okay I would be okay, if I find a guy, cause the ife, is a

boring hell without a guy. Well, I remembered how I felt, before I met Alex, I was very lobnely, missing Pete , and I got over him, but it seems, so hard to fin this time to be normal.

And it seems to much trying to find, the guy at your doorstep, could be my dads best friends scary thought so, a no. but all scattered brained. Listened, to music videos, wanted to be a fashion designer. And knitting my way to the top. Whiteout sewing, I gave up on sewing, I ruined my first drawn out dress. And it seems, so much to keep that dreams fashion dream alive. I wanted a dress shop. And dresses, like gowns for a cinderella play like, style, I had. Had lots of drawings, and scattered now, I cant draw that way anymore, did, one knitting dress that way for one of my fashion pretend lines and boy were they pretend. Didnt do many. Its so ,hard to find, the diary to write about now, glad I didnt decide to have a diary, I idd a little bit for prosperity but. Thought not worth it. And im sure it seemed to become really, what I would want to find, that day, t find, him that guy, its amazing, guy that looked like him. My ex boyfriend. And this guy I chased hard t get. And got him, sort of he ran away, form me later , no surprise, with the way I asked him out. Its so much to be ki d and generoisity, to find, that certina, someone, but this loved was dark, and sexy, and not really, everything I wanted but I sure felt like that then. Hes a good guy, came form a strict family. I was really, nice, and shy, turn to his good looks, and personality . Awesome he was smart turned on by a smart man. I dont know why thought Brians were smart, what ever, im crazy and stupid, I knew that. I thought I ant that smart, so I figged smart guys.

Oh and I seemed, so interesting to find, the guy of my dreams, so curious about me.

But I was so simply shy, and upset most if the time, wh would he date me, why would any guy date me. What did my ex email me, and want to date me again. After 25 years.

Oh well, thats the excitement, of life. Which is my point there are exciting times, in life you might miss. , so I was not missing this. So im so much import ant to want to have this nahhhh I didnt think so. I was plain, not even interesting. Its all, good, to find the essence of life I was missing, is my new goal. I knew that then and was very happy, to find, that there is some virtue I missed, hospitality. Im learning hospitality. A friendship with my grandmother, I never had before. Wow, its all great, a. New friend, new person to go shopping with. And im really, glad I had a new friend I have been wanting. Its so much to find the times, to keep, the times, to keep the times, to keep it altogether to find her love she missed here is the hard part. Its so much to find, the day, that she could find, a good part, morning afternoon night, she learned to like the night and feel good at night and tlak at night for the first time. First time, I liked night, was. Avery good thing, and scary for somepeolel knew I dint tlak at night. So, can people, change, I guess I could. People were watching me, it ant a big change, but a change and. New guy, I liked that looked just like my ex, strange and upsetting to people.

This, is the time, I would find more treasures in my life I int want to find. Its so much to find, the reason to want to live again? I int know I wanted to die, I guess it got to find, th time to find life again. Im sure its so much to find, the times to find truth t my hopes and vision, of what I could do in life, nothing much, I thought I was so boring. But. , there was all I had to give was my self wasn’t much .and now im trying to find the

reason, to keep going. To want to believe in my self better. Each new day brings a start on the day again. Before I had meds, I thought that way, got it back again. Maybe thats part of healing. I really, can stand for the things that matter in my life, I buried behind my back. But I realized not as important now. I should of never went though, those thing,s to fond the same thing. Tlak about rerun of the mind, mot married yet, a lady in waiting, and that another story, entirely . So I learn hospitality, of a perosn, and serving as a perosn, to be a good mother someday I hoped. Watched a real bad, movie, never could read the book. Never understood it. So whatcha the movie, haunting memories. That made me mad. I dot know wy anyone would feel that bad. So it makes me feel better, my suffering in this world, is not all, there is maybe im not suffering as much, as I think.

Maybe just surviving, maybe I have a better life, who knows I thought, everyone else does, but maybe they do differently have even better lives, I could not comprehend.

So, it seems to be more than I dreamed it would be fashion design was the funnest thing learned but it int make me altogether happy, I worried about that. But who is altogether happy its all worth dot nothing different tormorow, you know, nothing matters to your self. Dont be a burden , on yourself, it doesnt help either.ecept, your faults and someday I will accept them. So im really gonna make mark on life with fashion, dresses, I guess is my idea.

Chapter 2 It takes time to realize who’s broken more than other, people, I realized its not me, some people cry all the time, some sleep all day, of course they get married, to fix there life. Oh well, maybe im thinking about this all wrong, maybe I cant even think right, something ,needs to click, oh, day dreaming, about that boy gets me far, but then, I get frustrated, cause I cant get engaged for real. Tat seems right, so, it marks a terrible mark on mymlife, I hate it to destes it for ever, and beaver will forgive God, for what he has done, to my life. Sometimes I argue, about whether I shouldmbe a christian, or not.

Its hard, to live with patient, fallen God. It seems, so rude and ignorant to make me live like this. Bit it seems approprate to mylif,e so what it matters I couldn’t believe in nothing tat wouldn’t help wouldn’t do that agin, maybe I Ould, almost die again. Its so hard to find, a boundary. Line, to your life, and be happy with anymore. Common ground to find common ground in your own relationship. Everyone has relationships with yourself . Is it a god one? For me, im testy to myself. Not hard on myself tasty, kind of snobbish. I think I deserve, what ever I dont deserve. Im very harsh on my self, and was I get. Not thankful at all, nothing to be thankful about, just parents like most and. Roof over my head, thank god. But it seems, so inappropriate, to undertones, myself nan reasonable way, never could, not reasonable,. Im irrational, and wrong, al the time, and it makes me angry, to fond common ground in my Life.

I never knew how to love, didnt belie it exists, maybe it doesnt, only for good people, and I was bad. Deserved what I get I guess, not happy, but relaxed . Accept it, my lif,em to what it has become. Mad at the patience, of boys, and engagements al ot of girls can be smarter, and get engaged, very quickly if they wanted to. Find a boyfriend, even, if they wanted to, better and quickly. She never learned how to find, a guy the right way, to shy. Oh well, another sob story to be had for all her to know. No drama

queen here, she’s not really, to sad to be one. The brink of could bee maybe if she were married, would be a real drama queen. Who knows it could be, that way, and no one wants another her even worse. Of course, not in this would, I blame the world depraved and sad, and sinful, and im sad I lie in a sinful world,, I blame. Sin, for my problems, and very mad at it definitely . I blame people that are snotty and particular and spray for things that they thunk they need but dont, or, maybe there snooty for good resonates I int know, what the heck, you cant know what wrong with you all the time, can you, some people do a nd it makes me jealous. Zealous , sad, hurt and magnified with pretty, that I dont need cause im not getting married I wonder why I was born , pretty . I really wonder that.

It never recalled to me how I really see my life. With my family, as I am not glorified by my. Parent, s like I dot matter, other people are lowllymit matters more to them. Or they worse than that, the truth hurts. And im really fed up the way get treated because of other people. Cuteness is rude, no ne, likes a pat ethic, perosn, and im really loblolly, god fodesnt care about that either, oh well take a break form my life. Wow, I didn’t know you cared so much. And it seems so hard to pretend to care about yourself, to undertadm your value, what value do I I have. Well thats when you think of raindrops, on roses. And whisker’s on kittens t make you feel better. It helps, somethings got to help, when I feel this bad. Or im supposed to take it out alive I hope so. I regret, the ways I felt with things, and just stayed with my boyfriends I knew I had the power. I felt so guilty, about its and it hurt me the worldmof my own. My one dream, to be happy, and fullfulled only happens, in heaven not on earth, t me, I think that heaven seems impossible, m but maybe thats not a good thing, I dont know.

Its all so messed up, mess I cant believe. Wish there was no heaven or hellish I didnt have to deal with this. But it seems, so hard to find, the da to change, I cant, it wont, work. I never told anyone, about this. My deep darkest secrets, I hide in my self, I never tell. A soul. A right, place t start, dont give up on. Your life and love life makes work, be positive. Well, what d you know, something will work. Thats a good, idea, I will be that way. Then I got depressed, then he left. My second, love, he never thought we dated, and left, imm that. Someone must fo tilde him to leave, it was all hard to take, and I couldn’t have better outlook, on life. So, im sure it didnt seem fair .or wha was fair, to me, to my littlest soul, that felt so happy, sometimes, in wierd times . I never believed in wierd things. They wernt much for me. I couldn’t relate to anything, that was so strange I couldn’t understand . That changed, the next summer , but hanging out a school, I met a guy. He seemed interested, didnt last long, too forever to find, him, why dd it not last long, boy did I feel gultlym leaving, him, I just felt to guilty, to date him. ghosts in my past, the I never could fix, and I made them ghosts myself. I didnt know why, I jus thought listened to other peoole, run my life. Thats was why I never got married yet , others peoples, fault, or was it my own. Do. Let other people run my life , why do I hate myself so much, no thats you not me, tnankyou live your lifkem ill live mine. A nd I do splendidly, why others live therevlife for me and against me. Or I would say they do that remarkablymy well. No need to feel, sad, not depressed like it was before. Thank good, ness, im glad I can be okay, things will get better I tell myself and

they do, step by step everyday, I started noticing been making me feel better about myself. Cry I must, tears of anguish of my list, soul, but imm forever forgotten by God, im okay with that. Im fine, im living my life carelssly it seems, bothers, me and feel very guilty about, I thought I was very smart , somepeoeple, didnt think so. Im sure it would be okay to learn form my endeavors to be better smarted perosn, next time. Lost and traveling, alone, with my parents . I dint, lime naps, in the car anymore to ;inly for that. I seen my loneliness deeriating, but ot feeling lonely, ut getting darker am I still dating my second love? I shrug it off, probably, not. But maybe so, maybe im the one leading him on, and dont know how to date. But , cant fix them all. Cant fix myself to help myself I get depressed and sad, and take more pills, but on a lower dose this time, getting off, finally. Not so fast, he didn’t, do that, I say I seen things and I was torured by myself,.

Stupid, me I thought I complained did it again to myself. I groaned more pills.

Chapter 3 Sometimes. I say magic to make my life better dint know how I know how to do that. Oh well, no messing with hat there. I had to, I asked god to take the bad stuff out.

And I ddi, and felt different, but not at all aware of my surroundings so what I would learn to live this way. I wanted it all back, to word, sometimes I prayed for thing,s that were to wierd, prayed them back to god, and he answered my prayer . Gabe god didn’t forget about me, I was going through life this way for a reason , theres always a reason.

What reason, I wish I knew, why. What and where what have I dont, too, get ymlwkf all down. Somethings I need to fix in my life dark spot s tried it out, forgave people got sick of it, and made my mother crazy about it. Oh well, another time. Really, it seems to probable, to find the days come to the end of time, I cant believe its sad to know, people dont haunt me, im love people, but they hate me. Some do, some dont, I guess, makes me feel better what are the odds, they say. But, if you thought, someone, rely felt, I wold be mad. Oh well, nothngking about that anymore, onto new things . Started to think about the yarn in my drawer. And the things I knitted before I went to the hospital. I was making lingerie first them I ever tried with fashion,. Strange I hardly ever, do that. Oh it seems so much to become to much for yourself. But im all for it. If you know what that means,, Through a deep dark secret, I like the indoor, s not wilderness, girl. But I am, I am, just have to let myself enjoy different thing,s I was stubborn , very stubborn. Im certain I will mature just takes time. So now can we tlak abut spemthign else, yes we can, a little bit more to likable a story to say. Im have s nee of humor that is very zany . Not dry, not rude nit callous, but zany, pwoelem dont usually think things like that, but its bubbil,y strange I guess. But it em, its my sense of humor. Its so much to be part of my family and be happy, and I love my family, now my heart pours out. Yes I have feelings and. Heart, just like eevryone else . What I do think is something I cant endure to believe to find, the truth of the Maning to serve. A job, a mission field skateboarding, whatever I wodlnt go as far as the peace corps, but I would do as I please, have t do something that way. I have to learn it all, I have to know it all, I have to be what I can be, thats great and wonderful and do it perfectionaly right,. That how I live my life. You could thinkit,s hard, but all in good time, I get it semtime,s wrong, but you dont think

about that, you just put on a great face, I put on a great face. Huge face in place my heart. Or, my hearts over my head probably, so.

Its so much to be in this century, and age, and realize I made it this far, wow, its mazing, how did I do it, crocheting helped moms, friends helped, I needed encouragement, to do better , on my own more. B Defoe I could find another guy. That guy didnt work well. I thought, he was warning sign, well learned thats not true. So I, got the beer of me somehow and thought, wont do that agin. Kept my guys longer that way, didnt two that was a common thought, so was there another guy. Its so not rue, I would have to wait and wait thats why I cried. Knowing this I wold go back to all my event, and finally pray to god, I messed up. Help memento be like this anymore, answers me in a year. I finally broke down, and cried, answered it the next year. I just had. Noton of how to do things differently, if tits not working out for me. So I realized its for me, only for me and God. What else would there be, only that, he gave me a good thug, but, I , really wa confused, to understand, ever, I knew then what to do.

Chapter 4 I let Myself go, with ponytail, and started to, and then my grandpa, died I thought what am I doing to myself. Knitting, and letting myself go. Id be a old maid for sure. I didnt want that to happen started wearing eyeliner and only eyes . Deep eyeliner, went dark. Extravagant, to the dark I go, im al for it, I wanted to go goth. And I did sort of, and didnt ant to, but its was horning me on. Oh well, what can you do, but try things that arnt terrible are they, probably not, got my punk clothes, on, thats what I thought, blueish purpler worse my shirt I a sexy way neckline, and revealed to much, for a long time. I probably learned a lot that time . Imlearned about beauty, and as ethics, and loneliness and better view, of myself, as blatant blunt personality, and I was no copycat, going through fazes. That fase lasted a longest timem still going on, I began to get kore normal underneath my skin. Or cover, it what ever way I didnt dress very well got more causal. Preppy sort of not really . But not the old high school outfit. So no, I had those thighs though, those wonderful outfits I would bring out sometimes. Make my parents, cringe and hope for the best. So, I couldn’t deal with that no more. I put bleuemakeup on now and it looked dark with the dark eyeshadow , and made it lighter to match my eyes. Yes I tried to match my skink to, to bring back my beauty I sheltered for so long.

Oh nothings, gonna work out, I thought to myself and the world I cant die a thing to the world. I dot know how to sew. So I asked my mother, teach me how to sew, Tok a while before I could get ion the sewing machine. Can you think I wa scared of the sewing machine. Yes I was lie the car. And I Ould not give up, to try to sew, I waited till I wasn’t scared which was the right thing to do. And that tine, I could really understand aspect beauty, wit the human body and mind of sewing stitches, on cloth, all colors and designs and styles and patterns, id dint know yet. I been to get sewing books in the Christmas gifts, and fashion stuff, yarn from good yarns tore s was one of my favorite, past time. I was polite one then, before myspace. But social media, really let myself go.

In a different way . Ruined my peroabnilty, and how I thought about peoole,m and the race, im in, it ruined everything, I here al thesis comment oof how peoolemthink, I felt like Santa clause. So I started knitting gifts on christmas. I didnt know any better . And I

think I could get batter at fashion that way, made a dress, and started my own sewing, line in drawings clothes, not people.

And then I would become a fashion designer lie all the other fashion designer s the norm fashion designer. No one knew what I meant. Int, really tell, so I really cant please, so, its import set, to believe in yourself to be fashion designer.i hope, I hope I knew I had to d it somehow.

Chayter five Its so very hard to be a part of the ones that try to win your heart kids, im not the peons to want kids im bad to them I think, im not that kid person. I dont deserve kids but maybe I would change my mind. Its awesome how your life changes, no kids, my friends started getting married feeling more and more left out my brother got married and I never thought of getting married yet. Oh I say yes to an angagement, but never amounted to anything, or did I mrs it up. I dont know one of those things I really messed up, so, all those thoughts went by me when I almost drowned and I knew I needed one more chance, give me one more chance god to straighten out my life ill do better he did.

And I lost it all again, so I have no freidns I thought, and no reason to feel good anymore had my meds, feel good, no problem, right right yes it is. even when the meds went bad, got new Neds, and better, I am, to not feel lonely. I missed him, that second love, mess up thing, im so messed up in love with him. Its certainly hard I really cant feel love the way I felt to find, the truth of the night. I would feel darker even after at night, darker still, sad, and miss him. I loved, him real genuine, love, a real idea for a boyfriend, why int nice guys like me. Well I wondered that , wanted to be better perosn, anyway, needed to forget about my engagement and how people treated the whole thing and laughed, was so rude. Im so upset, and mad at them, and will never forgive anyone, who ruined it.

Im okay, im really okay, no problem, here, and thats seems so hard to understand, as a shy perosn, I am, how rude they could be. Thats what bothered, me. And its not called fro at all. They should no better. I needed to forgive, and it was pressing me down, and more Ange eating inside of me. But couldn’t, hard heart for those peoplel that got married, anyway in spite of the wolemthing, so stupid I was. Bit maybe the guy didnt like, me, Gabe it was wrong timing, maybe I didnt know what the truth could be from that, maybe I was to young, cold really be a really big diet that means some central truth, to young to get married. maybe so, and I really, think that I could wish I could be and be blue in the face, but it wont do any good . Wonder , I did my wondering, for four years straight before the accident, that didnt hurt me at all. Just my psyche . Thats all.

So im really messed up, now I thought, what could I do with it nagging me, im engaged, im engaged, he didnt care why should I. No one should care why should I,it doesnt matter there full of dickhead,s that dont have good dicks, or good vaginas. And there immature rats, of both kinds was what I felt.

Let them throw up all there hard feelings they did, I witness ed that I dint throw up.

I was the good one. I know if I did I would go to the hospital. Like I was almost dead.

How stupid I felt being with those girls and being there friends, its so simple I that there ay too immature and got married for me. No, im not really friendly, right now. Its okay,

wee all so much alike, to know what means, to feel betetrjm to find, the right thing, to do. Im Sur it will be done also. And im sure it would be what needs to be said, to the time, of the idea. No need for other rumors that dont make sense its what the heart thinks, thats more important, and I was glad I was saved, no matter what my style of English is.

Chapter 6 And im sure that I could want to be tat way to find what else I could ever try to be worthy, of myself to want. A real day to find, the day be good again. Yes it was so, I had good days, again, until I met, a girl named Jose . She’s very, hard on me, and say smethign,t that really bothered me, she say, do you ever thunk about death. Well you knew where she was from, oh well, im sure that would make a good song, but im sure im really much capable, of, thinking on my own. But that started me, thunking, and losing my faith, angels started coign to houghton college, bad and good, some good, very few, she very bad. And im sure its so much to tase to want to be there for the time, I had bad days then because of what she say to me. It was awful. I had bas days, challenging days, and sad, days were challenging days. Well I had challenging days all the time, maybe thats part of growing, up, she pressured me to get off my medicine that help she sleep . Very important, medicine im taking, I could die in my sleep some night, I knew that, didn’t tell anyone. So im proper and ready to hang out, but didnt feel good anymore, everyone staring at me, and it seems, so much to believe to find, the date and answer of that time, we really. For got to as for help to God, maybe she’s an angel of God, I asked for an angel of God. So maybe thats what I got then, for a while.

But this , is weird I was challenging my self with bad days understanding bad days and brownie points for me, from my mom. She was nicer to me, and I started teyellingm agin, and getting really upset. And all thees bad, thing’s I should go through, its terrible and I should ne every be thinning them to pretty, and too much a good, kid. But my mom blames. Me, cause she loves, me. Im upset about love, I dont understand, love still even so, but I knew I had a problem, with my mother. I did, better tried anger management books , and tried to mange my anger. I knew that would be the death of me, if I had that anger I knew I was heading to jail. Then, and I was trying to be hard on, so I wouldn’t go to jail. Which is a pretty good thing, to not be criminal. But I was think g about wrong wsometime,s noncrimial,s get into jail. Oh well, im confused I always follow the rules but parties well, ou know­how I tlak about them, I would probably end up in jail. So I wa scared, and upset, so I quit, my anger and my next psychiatrist says that I would get better and everything can be fixed, . You know what, it got fixed. Im sure to find, the reason to find, the thing to find, the doorway to the hallway, I felt sad. Started eating al ot, after thing,s got better with my mother problem, to problem. Oh well thats life right and thats life its all so much important to love life right so I had a better attitude wanted to be more positive now, I didn’t know how to be kind. Whats kind whats nice I was confused always discrediting, people.

And im sure to find, the thing, to get me moving, to find the hope, I need, my meds, helped more than I think. Maybe theres smething,to that, I thought didnt know.

Chapter 7the reason, I really feel about things I wanted peace on my life. Endless strife

with my relationships, I really think I messed them up all. Some for good, reasons, others not. Or maybe for the best as my mother thinks. So I think k thats good too, learned to like it. But I really wanted love ifenormal gu wedding with a my life like what a princess fairy tale, with a guy. Obviously, that didnt work for me, no peace, in my relationship. Is how I needed to think about it. One man, for me, at a time, quit breaking up, like my friend say. Be more into my delusions of not messing up, if ever so possible, I was afraid of messing up, mad eye mad what she say took it the wrong way.

And its possible, im really okay, to find, to the probable, time I should be alright, before I go to bed, everything’s fine, ,. Ni headache, no abuse, I thought I was being abused by my parent,s but rrealized, no its not true, they were trying to help me. be the best ioh, I really can be can be. Hard to deal with, sometimes im rude, or for what matter , it seems, im really nice and scream my way out of things, im not like that anymore at this present, time, but talking about 20 years ago, and how I felt. Im free from anger then, and im very a chance to be real, to myself about, words, I founded words, I could write stories, tried a novel . I did it, wrote a whole 99 pages novel on fashion design . Unpublished , so I dont know how to publish mystuff, its okay, im really doing it for fun, of course what else can you do. Im certainly into guys that are wildly good looking, and charming, with a wonderful smile and sweet to me. Not really interested in sexual into=erocurse, yet, but dabbled in it. Whit knowing I was ready or not. Couldn’t think that far head of myself. So, my thoughts been good, and im okay to find, out im torrid by my nude self I didnt like myself, hair and all, and I wore makeup, but wanted to learn how more so, to be like all the pretty girls my dream, but never could be, how hard it was for me.

Chapter 8 And questionable, book, I read, really put me in a new territory, of human relationships, I can see other men, married or not. Which was wrong, but didnt know form right or wrong. Or for that matter. aChristian, at 3 years old. I remember now, used to think it was four, three. Im a god kid, when im quiet, and when I tlak I get in trouble.

Its word so true get everyone else in trouble too. So stupid, me, to have ti do that. I dont know how it happened, just by instances I guess. Its okay to want to be a better reason to find, the ideas tat get me in the right state of mind. Whats the right state of mind I dont know? I dont know, I have trouble understanding, the truth. I dont k ow the truth I guess. Im not sure, so idont say anymore, so, cant lie, what else, tell fats, opinions not the truth . On the table I put three books, prepared to read them all in one hour. Tomb book, only read the first cover, couldn’t concentrate to read. So went o bed, with dissapointmentm couldn’t read my book, tonight . I enjoyed books , and really were being using books, for my own enjoyment,. Well, I had a date, and went to London, later on, last year was the date, and went to London a second time. The went ot Paris France, and I dont know remember where. So, im really like to travel and find out fashion with traveling . Started watching Elle, on the Internet, and I really liked, Elle, for there picture fashion shows slides.

Fashion was a joy to me, its so much to find, a joy in my life, and I was sue I was gonna be a fashion designer . Writer now, personally, a journalist, writer along side the

guy that left. So I would continue writing, for my own benid=fit fo course, out do him.

Son importantly, I do so, and do it well, whit publishing, ideas novel I had. Its all so much to find, the real instance, I really had a huge problem . My masterbation problem, but turned out it was not a problem, just a slut, thats all. So what it could be worse. Now. Im very much aware of my surroundings and my clothes, wanted to make a good impression as a fashion designer. Really did, I dressed, halfway to the hilt, not really I really felt inclusive of my clothing, and was underestimated that I could dress, miix and match, some fashion designers dont see that as a problem, they dont kn ow the way I mix and match, obscure clothes, very wild looking, type of mix and match, the total yoppisit,e and trendy at the same time. I toured myself with clothes , wanted to be popular buy the best outfits had a lot of clothes.

Ke everything was my fault or else, and started losing at matter fashion magazines like Elle, and bazaar, and vogue, , the great ones I would tell myself the ones I iiked, but in London learned there were many others. So I thought maybe more, form other countries, wow, I wanted them all. But knew that was only a dream. Cant have everything, no you cant, and I really dint need everything, magazine I could find, even though I tired 7 different subscriptions , anyway.

Chapter 9 Now it gets harder. Really went to chapel, to much, made me think of things in my past. And it was bugging me, and I was forgetful . I dint think anything ws true. Wanted to forget it all, everything I thought of anyway, but it haunted me. And ate me up till I had to say what ws on my mind. it seems so much to findk the truth I woud ever be in . But my heart is breaking in darkness, its all a wonder. I worm of hope in a shallow of no hope like a shell I feel the world is like a shell with. O hope for me, in the world it felt like. Its so simple to understand, peoples dreams, and needs. Needs are different then dreams, sometimes you just have to let go of the phone, and weep. And leave and get over your crying. And sometimes you just have to let things go lier that, on a snap of the fingers its hard to do. I’ve tried it, once could. But when I count stand it. Never had a real boyfriedn, yet. Hard to me, and what God wanted in my life. Prayed every night for a boyfriedn by my bed, and rad the big to pray and not be ,lonly. And it hit me, I would never know. Wa another story all entirely in my pathetic personal life.

Its sure, I had probes, with suicidal thinking, never told anyone. And im glad would of mad it worse. So I wouldn’t, so I wish it away, and my wises came true, I didnt have those feelings anymore. Started exercising, and running, and trying to lose the weight I put on thinking in a funk like this. So, hard to find, the common ground, all those windy raids, meant something, go west young man, that song, always been played in the car played in my head , near made sense. So, I just ignored it, mission tlak, I guess, I wanted to not be a part of. grandaueted frm. college. My grandma and grandpa, came when they were still alive. Im sure, I really loved it when my grandma, stood up. For my graduation. Loved it. Didnt see her stand up. But thought she told me later she did.

Well,my dad say me off, deans daughter, for four years. It was hard I would get teased, and curly, judged. And I wasn’t sure I anted to curl my hair or not. I think I lived up to it but didn’t like it. Wa strange, liked the attention and had friends. I knew why, it was

because I am the deans daughter. Was the deans daughter. Now smoother girl is the deans daughter. Is funny, I dont think of her that way, my friend. Wo cares. Im very put on myself on a pedestal, to feel bad for myself and other people, then that day I felt that way, fr the first time. I really think that my mother was right fashion design is hard, hard life and it took long I wanted out somehow. And hoped I would find my way anyway. Oh the journey through yarn, the course I use ddi knitting I woud use fabrics oo, but not quite know ow didnt push it.

Cant concern myself this mo th im rally sure, I felt hurt. I didn’t know why, I realized it my 27 th birthday yes, I had no fish to say on my cake. Glad I didnt ever want to wish that way again. It finally came true, h0ownstuid I was to think of dumb things just thinking of the negative. Wish for positive things I would write it out on paper, ere I say it. Next time, happy birthday to me. Another year another worry im getting older with my noc,e gets a little bonier. Not much but all I could see was big nice Sarah . And im sure it was sort of the time to change my hair. Started to go to the beauty parlor, and do my hair. Tried a perm at my grandmothers farm, first. Burned down now, so I really can, go into the old fashion bathtub so coolmbath I would take at grandmas, farm. She had two houses, there. One still stands, im glad now, no problems, im thankful for my uncle.

Anyway, I curled my hair the way my mom used to curl her hair. In bathtub, put curlers in my hair wash it out, and perm my hair. Boy did my hair smell like a skunk, it was horrible, I hated the smell of perky, hair, but when my perm was in the hair smelled great. Loved the smell of fresh permed hair, and my curls, and I looked very curly.

Glade me a softer look. Cut my hair before I had my perm . Wanted it just right, and my banf=gs thine, aright then I realized I have a boyfriend, didnt know it, the thought escaoped my mind . And im sure it was real love I would marry him someday would day dream about him.

He as the guy I would stay away from, I found someone better the better half . Hes awesome, hes great, he has a girlfriend , big bummer. After pdpete I was very depressed , and I coudlnthink of my second love very well couldn’t really accept he was my boyfriedn, didnt know why. Why, I dint bowl I would ask that question over in my head till I was mitered of thinking it every night thats why I couldn’t sleep. I told him I couldn’t sleep, but that was the second time we met the third one, was even better. Well you could say im old and Alzheimers but I never talked to him since then. The this time we met, woud come up in about five years five years singlemagain. Where’s my wedding dress. I got wedding magazine in the mail everyday couldn’t find my weddingmd dress, wondered why. My to be fiancé, is ws not interested, and really not.

It called me, stupid and I felt dumb, hated everyone, felt ike I had no friends . I really was dumb, I hated it hated it hated it hated it about me. Say and done, it happened must have to live with it now. Immokay I had friends, that cared for me. And family I loved, and a grandma who really loved me bless her soul. She’s deceased now and she lived a great life. Sort of worried, abut we loved her alive. And I think in her heart she agreed . A dame things wernt so and, who knows we dont know.

Chapter10 Im sure im really sure, the year I met my second love the third time, felt lie the first.

Wow, hes great goodlooking and very debanear. Hes great hes awsome, hes a great perosn, tlak ed to me, I fell in love with hui first see the third time . He seemed different better looking. Im sure, so good looking and sexy way of flirting I loved it, la la la, im very happy to have met him, and stuck wont regret meeting him. im sure , he didnt feel the same way and told me he would never email me. And I sure thats true. And to my surprise, I gave him two emails, inn a row he count email me. Stupid me, I shouted out myself stupid me. No laugh enquired im sure everyone laughed. I had a social life few, but enough to laugh, at me royally. But not really well, liked I had s social life wierd, it was true. So true, I would tell you it in back, and white thinking I used to think if now totally a whole new hue. Now I can believe in my self and seen beyond the painting, pic, in my head see my place getting, more cluttered every year. More books, for christmas ohnno, its awful I couldn’t even look, at it look alone read it.

And surely its great to own a book, yes it is , I wanted to write one, poetry started first before writing, I really tried to write. And I really made it look good I thought no one else did. I thought I was a good gifted writer no one ehls,e coudunderstand my work my teachers say I have artificially, writing ability, alright, . Very artistic . Not real, all strange, not normal writings, like every Rohrer kid would r=write a paper .and im sure I could try if a read a book, bought one online, listen to my favorite cd, and thought of my new boyfriend, going down the tubes, I knew right form the start he was going down the tubes. It wasn’t going well, its awful its totally, disappearing I could feel it. He was disappearing, going away and then he did, he went away in 5 years. Goes valet a black darkness of lonkiness, really bad, and missed him so much I had to forget him. So I cant believe in the more ing to love anymore. The next year met a guy, Keith, he gave me a gift, of singing. Im singer now , so I really can sing, and be a singer. It was like magic I couldn’t believe it. I had something new. So, I tried to write a song, make it possible , not yet. I really was a good songs when I was a teenager, not anymore, lost it, but wanted to try anyway it would be good for me to finally try something new. I was sick of fashion design. Needed something new but didnt quit fashion design, I still love fashion.

And still wanted my goal to be fashion designer. I quit all the fashion started singing, started with s=chair sexy dancing, thought sex sells. And I wanted to be a accomplish something in mymlife. I wanted to be singer.

Now im in my 40’s, started singing, along time ago, 20 years ago, and now im can carry a tune. Im better now, I have more ways to mature to be a better singer. Not bored with it yet. No not yet I know its coming and I would think of something else big, and thats awesome to me. Im very happy, in my life now I think im positive outlook, on myeline and tried to care for others now, thats what I was working on. Needed a little time to think first, I did my thinking with singings nd daydreaming under the sun.

Chapter 11 So its been a good year, my grandma dies this year. And I wouldn’t have to say she found her lily pad in the sky, I would someday. And I would be with grandma my second mom again, for second mom means reincarnation. Oh well whatelse can you ahve it good.so, I didnt let thigns bother me, just let go withte flow, and work it out. I was a good problems solver, and tried my best. To win the hearts of my fans, now. Not many, but

some. It hurt me I couldn’t be famous singer I tried, or paid singer yet, im stuck working on it. And I would be paid someday, I int know seemed like nightmare to me, but fun doing it. Whats to lose, you do your talent show people your talent your not doing anything wrong. And I wasn’t, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and its sure I would be proud of myself for trying and trying and I wasn’t I was annoyed with myself too the core now, annoyed. Tried everything under the sun dating singers, trying to be a singer. Im trying my best. And dating an actor, I met, years after my boyfriend left me. Neve ti be my ex. But left thats that. So would I be alone in life didnt think much anymore got that way I worried way to much for my self . So I dint do that. I thought less and wondered for positivity more.

Now it seemed so odd I cud carry this fashion designer and singer all at once . I still dont know how I could do it, so I didnt, so, I really didnt understand. So much to find that way to find the way. And its now certainly a beautiful day everyday, ut have terrible days and nights every day . Cant have a good day. Everything has to go wrong. Im so sick of that, then I got used to it. And so on, I really cant feel drama, I dint want to be dramatic, but I was turning into a drama person, and I quit may anger with my mother.

And im not mad anymore, it was my fault. And I fixed a problem, I put on myself. So, thats fine, im fine, but still have hard days nights sometimes, were better than others.

And thats true, began depressed, in a. Different way quieter. And sad woeepy, in dread.

Dreadful life I live imm I hate its I didnt like peoolemvery much only trusted myself. And I tried to see the positive in my self . And tried to have a god outlook. And it seemed hard but this is so hard for me. I realized, I wanted ti die when I didnt , it was only an accident. But I didnt want to be saved, wanted to be, want to be I dint know. I was confused and realized, I dint marry that guy who saved me. Im okay, no problems, I would be okay living, she thought and I would understand, that limits are for everything, and luck meant everything, under the sun, sometimes theres religion but also luck.

Lucky me I was saved, and that was awesome, I finally admitted that, the day after I was saved and im sure it was hard too find a better day yes I , think I changed more positive for the better . Thats my years resolution, be more positive about my life love God more Jesus, love love more, I will.

Chapter 12 And now I lookmback, I glad I was saved, but have to change more, things dont change . Everything changing you have t change more to be better perosn, I was getting tired of this perfectionist way of thinking. And I wanted to think of something better . Something more to life and I realized there is nothing more to life than love. It never changed, I never changed, just git more positive it doesnt matter if I dint change I can stalk live it dissent matter its not luck ill be okay anyway, chances yes not luck circumstances cure things and it happens, for a reason, causes circumstances and im all for my circumstances and my dreams of getting married, come true someday for real.

Yes im still not married, its been while, get stirred of dating, but have to keep moving, and dating, guys. And I Do, and sometimes lose them. So im okay no loss they dont care. Why should I, I can break up well, now, got used to it. And haven’t learned my lesson about breaking up. Someday I William hope, thats my new goal. Dont break up,

fget married no matter how hard it is isn’t that hard? How could anyone do that. I dont understand this cousins woman that gt married no what to do. Gosh, its crazy, I wish I was like them mature to be like them, yes thats all I need to do.

And I will mature, to mature the best I can, and I do it right, I hope, I ry anyway.

Maybe need to lier roe people better ,a nd think psotivly about them. Immure that would be probably. A good thing ti do. So super upset about the accident, wish it ebeevr happed. This how I feel, ad im okay, to underhand my life, in fitter coming, and learn from what to love, more, I guess. I haven’t learnemd and I shouldn’t learn, cause I didnt, know what, does that, uh I dint know. Past circumstances help you learn how strange.

How, I dint learn that way, and never will probably learn the hard way. And I feel bad about that. Cant have a good life wasn’t born to have a good life, thats okay, regular life okay fun whatever regular life. I wanted to change my life style didnt know how but trued. I changed it a better perosn, living the time of my life, sometimes I would get.

Asjaob sometimes not, probably even find a job I really want but thats just a dream,. So I would find a job and be okay. Yes thats what I acted to be okay find a job. I will find one, I will be okay. Its great to understand the truth about things too find a job to be okay.

Life hard, yes it is, I int kielbasa’s that saying anymore, cause its duhhhh yeah its hard, thats so farfetched , and not rue, all the time, its stupid, stupid, whats wrong with , myself for thinking this way. Im very upset, im very upset, Chapter 13 And I cry , why could I thunk that way, another time to cry, to myself . I would intimately, cry, I really messed up this time, another Sarah, I messed up, and I cant help url what shall I do. Im really sure I could try, date agin yes I will. Found someone else, and I cant change but try, that feeling today. And its sure its hard to fin my way. Ope rah river and thought the woods to grandmothers house we go. I never wanted to put this is=n this story. I wanted to end it like this, so I will just rotund she’s still alive. So I say things are no going well all the time, its only life, and I hate it, but hats why we have to deal with every day if our lives, there are joys there are struggles ebven if your not married ,.. people feel that way. So I undrsnad to my knowledge, its gonanbe okay. And il work on it day by day to work hard to what I do, and grow more and more . And want to do, and I really can say, that that guy, im sure hes not really happy, he saved me and it just hurts me. I now regret , he regrets it. And I think someday I will see him agin. And I ope it will be good day. And he went be engaged cause that hurt me, more to have an engaged guy tat the house. In store for, not me. A distraction , me a distraction, and im sure it will be hurt bye others someday. I cant help it, I cant help it I cant help it he was very strong that day.