A how-to guide for allies

Disclaimer: People who use the terms nonbinary, asexual, or demisexual to describe their gender identity or sexual orientation may do so because that is the term they think best fits them or feels most right. Some people using these terms may not seem to fit their definitions exactly. Language is freeing yet limiting, and it is up to each person which labels they use or do not use. As an ally, it is not your place to tell someone which label they should use or that they cannot use a particular label.

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The LGBTQ+ community includes various sexual and romantic orientations and gender identities. Some of these are more well-known and accepted than others.

For example, nonbinary, asexual, and demisexual people are members of the LGBTQ+ community whose identities are often unknown, rejected, and erased. Because of this, not all allies, and even members of the LGBTQ+ community, recognize and respect nonbinary, asexual, and demisexual people.

Being an ally to nonbinary, asexual, and demisexual people centers around validation and individuality. That is, the key to being an ally is validating nonbinary, asexual, and demisexual people’s identities and recognizing that everyone’s identity is unique.

A person’s relationship with their gender or sexual orientation can be influenced by many things, such as their experiences and other identities, Avantika Swaminathan points out. Swaminathan, a junior and president of Gender and Sexuality Alliance (GSA) at Carlmont, identifies as nonbinary and uses all pronouns.

“Being [LGBTQ+] can mean so many things, and it definitely can depend on people’s other intersections of marginalization,” Swaminathan said. “People of color, Black people, and Indigenous people may experience gender identity or sexuality in different ways depending on their cultures and how they fit into a Eurocentric society.”

nor female, both, or a combination of these.

Xen Lapshin, a nonbinary senior that attends Middle College and uses they/ them pronouns, reminds nonbinary allies that it is essential to realize that nonbinary identities are complex and vary from person to person.

“The most important thing to remember is that everyone’s gender is different,” Lapshin said. “Two nonbinary people could have completely different gender experiences.”

Differences between nonbinary people include how they think of and use the term nonbinary. Some nonbinary people use nonbinary as the only label for their gender. Others use more specific labels, using nonbinary as an umbrella term instead.

Lapshin encourages allies to use they/them pronouns for a stranger or a “hypothetical person of unknown gender,” both in speaking and writing, to avoid assuming someone’s gender and normalize the use of gender-neutral pronouns.

Gendering nonbinary people

NONBINARY

The Trevor Project, an organization dedicated to advocacy and crisis support for LGBTQ+ youth, has many resources for LGBTQ+ people and allies on its website, thetrevorproject.org.

One such resource, A Guide to Being an Ally to Transgender and Nonbinary Youth, defines nonbinary as a gender identity outside the male-female binary. This means that people who identify as nonbinary may identify as neither male

Pronoun Examples

they/them: They wanted to read the Highlander, so I gave them a copy of the magazine.

ze/zir: Ze wanted to read the Highlander, so I gave zir a copy of the magazine.

xe/xem: Xe wanted to read the Highlander, so I gave xem a copy of the magazine.

sie/hir: Sie wanted to read the Highlander, so I gave hir a copy of the magazine.

she/they: She wanted to read the Highlander, so I gave them a copy of the magazine.

he/they: He wanted to read the Highlander, so I gave them a copy of the magazine.

Source: Gender-Neutral Pronouns 101: Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know via them.us

correctly is an integral part of nonbinary allyship. Being addressed by a specific name different from the name assigned to them at birth may also be part of a nonbinary person’s gender expression.

While some people use binary pronouns, they/them pronouns, or a combination of these, others may use neopronouns. Neopronouns are pronouns that are different from she/ her, he/him, and they/them pronouns, and they are used by people who feel that more widely used pronouns do not accurately or entirely refer to them.

Neopronouns, like any other pronouns, refer to someone in the third person without the use of their name. Using neopronouns to refer to people who use them validates their identity.

Remember that using different pronouns takes practice and everyone makes mistakes. If you use the wrong pronouns for someone — referred to as misgendering — quickly correct yourself, apologize briefly, and move on.

A lengthy, elaborate apology might seem like a good idea. Instead, it can shift blame and responsibility onto the person you have misgendered, which virtually negates your apology.

When you introduce yourself, you should offer your name and pronouns — traditionally, women use she/ her pronouns, and men use he/him pronouns. Sharing your pronouns allows people to feel safe about sharing theirs.

Charlotte Fields, a Carlmont sophomore who is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns, said that allies should strive to make nonbinary people feel safe and comfortable.

They encourage allies to have an individual approach since being an ally to one person may differ from being an ally to another person. Talking to nonbinary people you are close to is a great way to start being an ally, especially if you are unsure about what is best to do.

“People who are new to allyship should reach out to the nonbinary people in their lives and see how they can best support them,” Fields said. “We don’t bite, I promise.” Avari Kapoor said. “Being an ally is about recognizing that we exist.”

Demisexual is a sexual orientation that falls on the asexual spectrum. According to the Trevor Project’s guide titled Understanding Asexuality, demisexual people experience sexual attraction toward another person only after forming a strong emotional connection with them.

Claire Bing, a Carlmont senior who is GSA vice president and uses she/her pronouns, explains that many people don’t know much about demisexuality.

“So many people believe stereotypes, myths, and misinformation about [aspec] people. Always speak up to kindly inform and correct others when you know they have gotten something wrong to combat this misinformation,” Bing said.

Asher Pollan, a Carlmont senior who is demisexual and uses he/ him pronouns, describes that people should respect the “boundaries and differences” of demisexual people. He also emphasizes that while allies’ support is appreciated, demisexual people are not helpless.

“Don’t feel the need to save us from discrimination or oppression. If we need help, we’ll ask. Part of being a good ally is knowing how involved to be. Being too involved and having a savior mentality rubs us the wrong way,” Pollan said.

ASEXUAL SPECTRUM

Someone who is asexual experiences no sexual attraction, as defined by the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). AVEN, which can be found at asexuality.org, has resources for both asexual and allosexual — not asexual — people.

Asexuality is also considered a spectrum. The asexual spectrum includes various asexual identities categorized by different levels of sexual attraction and situations in which people experience sexual attraction. People with identities on the asexual spectrum can be referred to as aspec, an abbreviated term that may also include the aromantic spectrum.

“I believe the most important thing to consider is that each asexual and aspec experience is different. Even if someone chooses to label themselves, it doesn’t box them into one experience,” Varun Avari Kapoor said.

Avari Kapoor is a Carlmont graduate who is currently a freshman at the University of California, Davis, identifies as asexual, and uses he/they pronouns.

He explains that allies should learn more about asexuality by researching independently and talking to asexual people who are comfortable sharing their experiences. Avari Kapoor said that when allies listen to and respect them, it is “validating.”

“All we want is to be seen since the world considers sexual attraction something that makes us human. However, that’s incorrect, as we are living proof of that, and the world sometimes doesn’t understand that,”