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INSIDE: COLUMNIST BRETT EMERSON SAYS FAREWELL TO LA CROSSE, AGAIN • PAGE 11

La Crosse's Free Press VOLUME 10, NO. 20 | MAY 27, 2010

ALSO ... New music column debuts Page 9 PLUS: SOCIAL NETWORKING • PAGE 2 | THE ARTS REVIEW • PAGE 6 | THE ADVICE GODDESS • PAGE 7

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Second Supper

Social Networking NAME AND AGE: Nik Dygart, 25 Second Supper 614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601 Phone: (608) 782-7001 Online: secondsupper.com Publisher: Roger Bartel roger.bartel@secondsupper.com Editor in Chief: Adam Bissen adam.bissen@secondsupper.com Student Editor: Emily Faeth emily.faeth@secondsupper.com Sales: Mike Keith mike.keith@secondsupper.com Sales: Jenaveve Bell jenaveve.bell@secondsupper.com Sales: Ansel Ericksen ansel.ericksen@secondsupper.com Regular Contributors: Amy Alkon, Jacob Bielanski, Erich Boldt, Nick Cabreza, Mary Catanese, Brett Emerson, Jake Groteuschen, Shuggypop Jackson, Matt Jones, Jonathan Majak, Briana Rupel, Stephanie Schultz, Anna Soldner Second Supper is a weekly alternative newspaper published by Bartanese Enterprises LLC, 614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? La Crosse

WHAT IS YOUR BEVERAGE OF CHOICE? Jameson and Coke WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? An autobiography on Frank Zappa TELL US YOUR GUILTIEST PLEASURE: Listening to Justin Timberlake

CURRENT JOB: Sound guy extraordinare for T.U.G.G. and the night manager at Jimmy Johns

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? Rude people who come to Jimmy Johns

LAST THING YOU GOOGLED: Tobacco and Beck CD

WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? A new T.U.G.G. T-shirt

IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE? In the mountains somewhere

WHAT PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, WOULD OU WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH? Bradley Nowell from Sublime

WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE? Own a van down by the river

WHAT'S IN YOUR POCKET RIGHT NOW?: Cell phone, change, some unmentionables

IF A GENIE GRANTED YOU ONE WISH, WHAT WOULD YOU ASK FOR? To live successfully with my guys T.U.G.G. CELEBRITY CRUSH: The old bass player from Smashing Pumpkins FIRST CONCERT YOU WENT TO: Slipknot, Sevendust, Cold Chamber and I think maybe Disturbed at the La Crosse Center

TELL US A JOKE: What do you call a girl with one eye and one leg? Eileen

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF SECOND SUPPER? Little bit of Shug's spot and then the music thing that tells me what's playing where HOW DO YOU KNOW STEVE (LAST WEEK'S INTERVIEW)? One day we were drinking and decided to find the lost lake together, and then after that it was magic. — Shuggypop Jackson, shuggypop.jackson@secondsupper.com

L'Editor

Dear Reader: I’ve sure got a lot on my mind right now. A week ago I was all incensed about the Tea Party, mainstream media, incumbent politicians and how none of those parties ever understand each other. It was all America seemed to be blabbering about back then, mostly because it made a simple narrative for the 24/7 media maelstrom. I felt self-righteous and couldn’t wait to hop into my L’Editor and tell everyone off — and then an oil rig exploded in the Gulf of Mexico and my petty grievances didn’t seem to matter so much anymore. How could I get angry at newscasters when we may be witnessing the most destructive natural disaster of my lifetime? My ire for BP far eclipses any grudge I may hold against Fox News, and I don’t think any L’Editor I'd write on the subjects could make it into a family newspaper. It would be more like one of the YouTube rants John Goodman’s character spews on Treme. So now I’m trying to suppress my anti-oil hatred, which probably isn’t healthy for either myself or the long-term future of planet earth. In the midst of all of this, I also have to remind myself that tomorrow night I’m leaving for Summer Camp, my first music festival of the season. That’s a happy thought, so I’ll go the American route and just ruminate on the good times. We’ve got lots of other festival coverage crammed into this newspaper, so browse through pages 4 and 5 if you need anything else to cheer you up.

— Adam Bissen

Show us where Altra has taken you and win a Flip Mino™ Send us a photo of you with your Altra Debit Card. Maybe it's a vacation, an unusual setting, or an everyday experience. Be creative! Each month through December, a team of Altra judges will pick our favorite photo and award that lucky Altra Debit Cardholder a Flip Mino™ camcorder to keep recording their adventures. Visit us online for complete details.

icago h C , r e w o T ) s r a e S Willis ( Altra member

Hestekin, hn Jo by d te it bm su to Winning Pho

Open 7 days a week inside Festival Foods, La Crosse

608.787.4500 • www.altra.org

Monthly prize will be awarded at the sole discretion of the judging team. Photos showing Altra members in a dangerous or illegal setting will not be considered, so don't even try it. Same goes for photos not rated G. Photos will not be retouched other than to obscure the number on the card if visible. By submitting a photo, you certify that you have the legal right to grant Altra unrestricted permission to publish the photo in any medium. Contest open to Altra members who are current Debit Card users. Sorry, Altra employees and their immediate family members are not eligible for prizes.

Second Supper

Things To Do See the maze man's amazing work

The Top

Music festivals we wish we attended 1. Monterey Pop '67 2. Woodstock '69 3. Lollapalooza '92 4. Big Cyprus '00 5. Newport Folk Festival '65 6. Glastonbury '95 7. H.O.R.D.E. '92 Festival essentials 1. Sunscreen 2. Cash 3. Hoodie 4. Bloody Marys 5. Swiss Army knife 6. Clean socks 7. A ride home

May 27, 2010 // 3

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Erich Boldt, the local artist who does Maze Efflux each week for Second Supper, will present a show, Efflux: The Works of Erich Boldt 2008-2010, from Friday, May 28, to Tuesday, June 1, at the Pump House Regional Arts Center, 119 King St., La Crosse. The show will include several of Boldt's maze prints as well as some of his other work. He is a member of the Green Bay Street Studio and also is a substitute teacher. He has bachelors degrees in art education and fine arts from the University of Wisconsin-Stout. Gallery hours are noon to 5 p.m. Tuesday through Friday and 12 to 4 p.m. Saturday. For information, call (608) 785-1434.

Try to see '5,000 Lbs.' but act now

Wisconsin Public Television debuted its Wisconsin Vietnam War Stories documentary this week following the Lambeau LZ welcome-home celebration for Vietnam veterans in Green Bay. Not surprisingly, the Pump House Regional Arts Center has scheduled encore performances of its original play based during the Vietnam era. "5,000 Pounds: Seven Soldiers' Stories," a play by David Krump, enjoyed a sold-out run earlier this year at the Pump House when the center hosted a traveling photo exhibit linked to the WPT project. The encore performances will be at 7:30 p.m. Thursday, Friday and Saturday, May 27-29, at the center, 119 King St. Tickets are $18 for the general public, $15 for Pump H o u s e members. Thursday and Friday performances were sold out earlier this week, however, so call (608) 7851434 right now!

Savor all that makes farmers' market special

Start your holiday weekend with a trip downtown to savor the sights, sounds and tastes of the Cameron Park Market. The vendorowned market, which sets up between 4th and 5th streets, is open from 4 to 8 p.m. The market features local, sustainably produced meats, dairy, fruits, vegetables and other foods, as well as arts and crafts from area artisans. This week's market also features a show of baby animals. Next week, June 4, singer/songwriter Michelle Lynn performs. The market is open every Friday through October. For information, visit cameronparkmarket.org.

Experience nature on a backwaters cruise

If you're looking to get on the water Memorial Day, we suggest the Mississippi Explorer cruises that depart from Riverside Park in downtown La Crosse provide a unique way to enjoy a short cruise. A two-hour Wildlife Eco-Tour into the backwaters of the Upper Mississippi Wildlife Refuge includes sights such as beaver lodges, bald eagle nesting area, aquatic vegetation and more. The cruise departs at 10 a.m. Tickets are $14.99 for children 4-11 and $19.99 for everyone 12 and older. For information, call (877) 647-7397, ext. 2 or visit www.mississippiexplorer.com.

Get your first glimpse of this year's Loggers

The La Crosse Loggers, recently voted Best Sports Team in Second Supper's Best of La Crosse balloting, will open their season next week. Logger Fan Fest on Tuesday, June 1, gets the fun started at The Lumberyard in Copeland Park. The first 500 fans receive free Mt. Olympus water passes. Admission is $5, with 20 percent of the proceeds going to Ronald McDonald House Charities. Doors open at 5 p.m. The event includes an open practice, team introductions, Future Loggers Wiffle Ball game and a Logger Dog eating contest. For information, contact the Loggers at (608) 796-9553.

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Second Supper

COMMUNITY

Hot fun in the summer time: A music fest guide By Adam Bissen

adam.bissen@secondsupper.com

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Come Home To The Best!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: summer in the Midwest when days are long, spirits are high, and people just want to get out of town, let down their hair and hear some happy music. It’s festival season. Rejoice! Music fans of a certain inclination have spent all winter and spring tracking the minutia of the festival circuit. Rumors fly on music blogs and message boards, but this year especially organizers fanned the flames by leaking lineups in spurts, most commonly on Twitter. This creates a fun parlor game of “Who’s playing where?” and “What’s the year’s hottest festy?” but it also helped obscure another, sadder debate: Which festivals are going under? The festival R.I.P. list of 2010 is rather long and distinguished, especially in the Midwest. Goodnight Rothbury, 10KLF, Campout Roots, Fat Fest and the Big Wu Family Reunion. You all were loved and will be missed as casualties of the modern music industry (and high gas prices and a faltering economy and competition from young upstarts). But this is not a requiem! In fact, for many music lovers attending a good summer festival is the most alive they’ll feel all year. Traveling hundreds of miles by car to converge on natural habitat may not be the most environmentally sound hobby, but it sure creates a bond with your fellow festgoers. Bands feed on this, too. Performing in fresh air, beneath the stars, and on a bill with other artists creates a spirit of freedom, and during those moments where everything clicks, the experience is truly magical. Below you will find a list of 16 (mostly) Midwest music festivals, ranging from small gatherings in the coulees to giant crowds in major metropolises. We tried to highlight a diversity of styles, prices and experiences, so take a gander and even a risk when making your summer travel plans — because even an average night at the festival grounds beats a hot day in the city.

Festi Di Bella Vida

May 28-30 Geneva, MN: Harmony Park $145, includes camping Artists: Pretty Lights, Keller Williams, Robby Krieger's Roadhouse Rebels, EOTO, Emmitt-Nershi Band, The Synthesis Lab f/ Steve Molitz & DJ Logic, Great American Taxi, Ana Sia, Pert Near Sandstone, Shoeless Revolution, The Histronic, Roster McCabe Supper Says: Held at Harmony Park, an enchanted grove of oak trees beside a reedy lake, Bella Vida offers a beautiful, relaxing way for Midwesterners to kick off the summer festival season. If you've never been to Harmony Park, you really need to get there.

PHOTO BY RYAN KEIHN, MindZeye Photography

Revelers, some more fresh and clean than others, rock out to the Big Wu as they perform at last summer's Bella Madre festival at Harmony Park, one of the beautiful outdoor venues in the Midwest. This year the festival returns as Festi Di Bella Vida.

Summer Camp Music Festival

May 28-30 Chillicothe, IL: Three Sisters Park $170, includes primitive camping Artists: moe. Umphrey’s McGee, STS9 Gov’t Mule, The Avett Brothers, Yonder Mountain String Band, Pretty Lights, Slightly Stoopid, Bassnectar, Dweezil Zappa Plays Zappa, Kyle Hollingsworth Band, The Hood Internet, Victor Wooten, Steel Pulse, Railroad Earth, Steez Supper Says: Traditionally a noodle-fest dominated by moe., this year Summer Camp offers its most diverse lineup yet with a mix of rock, bluegrass and electronica acts to entertain more focused minds. The latenight, unplugged campfire sets are often a highlight of the fest.

Soundset Festival

May 30 Shakopee, MN: Canterbury Park $35, parking included Artists: Atmosphere, Method Man & Redman, Brother Ali, Hieroglyphics, Souls of Mischief, P.O.S, Murs, Freeway & Jake One, Eyedea & Abilities, Cage, People Under The Stairs, Dessa, Busdriver, Toki Wright, Dark Time Sunshine Supper Says: Rhymesayers Entertainment’s third-annual Soundset Festival offers 9 hours of independent hip-hop on two stages along with a B-Boy/B-Girl DJ tent, live painting, skateboarding demos, and a Slow and Low custom car show. Rise up, MPLS.

Wakarusa

June 3-6 Ozark, AR: Mulberry Mountain $174, plus fees Artists: Widespread Panic, STS9, the Disco Biscuits, The Black Keys, John Butler Trio, Blues Traveler, Fishbone, Ivan Neville's Dumpstaphunk, Bassnectar, Tea Leaf Green, Mark Farina, Todd Snider, Split Lip Rayfield, OTT, Trampled By Turtles, Bluetech Supper Says: This year’s Wakarusa debuts an Intersteller Meltdown with over 50 electronic artists perfrorming from nighttime until well after sunrise. Combined with a natural setting and a lineup stacked with roots artists and jambands, this year's Waka could be the most raging festy of the summer.

Bonnaroo Music Festival

June 10-13 Manchester, TN: Great Stage Park $249.50, plus fees Artists: Dave Matthews Band, The Flaming Lips, Jay-Z Weezer, Phoenix, The xx, Regina Spektor, Jay Electronica, Norah Jones, Tori Amos, The National, Deadmau5, They Might Be Giants, Punch Brothers, Thievery

CONTINUED ON PAGE 5

Second Supper

Music fests CONTINUED FROM PAGE 4 Corporation, GWAR, She & Him, Conan O’Brien Supper Says: The granddaddy of the modern American music festival, Bonnaroo has distanced itself from its jamband roots while continuing to attract the world’s biggest live performers. It’s gigantic, expensive and impossible to see every band, but it’s also an unforgettable pilgrimage for any live music fan.

Bandit County Fair

June 11-13 DeSoto, WI: Gunner's $35 by June 1, $50 at the gate Artists: Smokin' Bandits, Heatbox, Shoeless Revolution, Down Lo, White Iron Band, Nicholas Mrozinski & the Feelin' Band, Roster McCabe, Moon Boot Posse, T.U.G.G., SoapBox Project, Mr. Blink, Fayme Rochelle & The Waxwings, New Grass Review, Nimbus, Nick Shattuck Supper Says: For many La Crosse-ians, Bandit County Fair is the best party of the summer, as much of the city packs its sleeping bags, heads a half hour downriver and rocks out to our favorite bands. It’s the most easygoing festival around and the best place to quaff Pearl Street Brewery’s Smokin’ Hemp Porter.

Ragged Roots Revival

June 18-20 La Rue, WI: The Historic La Rue Station $25, or $35 at the gate; single day passes available Artists: The SoapBox Project, Mike Droho & The Compass Rose, T.U.G.G., Deep Sea Summit, Daniel and the Lion, Whitney Mann, Brent Brown Band, Corey Hart, Adam Palm, Pat Waters Band, Wigglestick, Clovis Mann, Mouse Pocket, Another Exoneration, The Verbal Kint Supper Says: Derek Ramnarace is the primary organizer of Ragged Roots Revival, a first-year festival located around 20 minutes southwest of Wisconsin Dells. Featuring largely underground musicians from the La Crosse and Madison areas (as well as smoked ribs and other barbeque treats), this could make for one tasty weekend.

COMMUNITY as you’ll ever find. They have bands from almost genre of music — both cutting-edge blog darlings and where-are-they-know? dinosaurs. Plus it’s in Milwaukee, so you know it’s always a party.

80/35 Music Festival

July 3-4 Des Moines, IA: Western Gateway Park $60 Artists: Spoon, Modest Mouse, Slightly Stoopid, Yo La Tengo, The Cool Kids, Dar Williams, Particle, Earl Greyhound, Modern Day Satire, Railroad Earth, The Walkmen, Avi Buffalo, Solid Gold, Family Groove Company, Psalm One Supper Says: This is probably the only music festival named after the intersection of two Interstate highways, but we all know Iowa does it differently. They also booked an eclectic (and affordable) lineup for the 4th of July weekend, set in a beautiful urban park on the Des Moines River.

Rock Fest

July 15-18 Caddott, WI: Chippewa Valley Music Festival Ground $175, with extra fees for camping and VI Artists: Alice in Chains, Limp Bizkit, Drowning Pool, Trapt, John Mellencamp, Collective Soul, Blue Octover, Candlebox, 3 Doors Down, Gavin Rossdale, Soul Asylum, Daughtry, Theory of a Dead Man, Apocalyptica, Sleeper Cell, Elmwood Supper Says: Sometimes you just wanna rawk! And locally the best prescription is Rock Fest in Caddot, Wis. Sprawling across a fairgrounds 20 minutes south of Eau Claire, Rock Fest offers a four-day lineup stuffed with some of the biggest names in (1990s) American radio rock.

Harmony Hills Music Festival

July 16-17 Viroqua, WI: Norwegian Hollow $30 Artists: Mike Droho & The Compass Rose, Elf Lettuce, The SoapBox Project, The People Brothers, The Korat Grey Band, The Campaign, Kjome, Honey, Summer & Fall Supper Says: You don’t need a milliondollar lineup to host a great music festival. Sometimes you can just leave the good vibes up to nature, and the Harmony Hills Music Festival, nestled deep in the coulees of the Driftless Region, seems to do exactly that.

Country Jam

Summerfest

June 24-July 4 Milwaukee, WI: Summerfest Grounds $15 daily, $8 on weekdays before 4 p.m. Artists: Tim McGraw, Kool & The Gang, Passion Pit, The Wailers, Tom Petty, 311, Pepper, Jeff Beck, Public Enemy, Thievery Corporation, Wang Chung, Justin Bieber, Less Than Jake, B.B. King, Eric Clapton, STS9, Cypress Hill, Usher, The Roots, Rush, Modest Mouse Supper Says: Billed as The World’s Largest Music Festival, Summerfest is as close as the “something for everyone” experience

July 22-24 Eau Claire, WI: Country Jam Grounds $99 and up Artists: Sugarland, Billy Carington, Big Kenny, LoCash Cowboys, Miranda Lambert, Sawyer Brown, Luke Bryan, Jason Aldean, Jake Owen, Chris Cagle, Stealing Angels, Glen Templeton, Rocket Club Supper Says: Unlike its local competitor Country Fest, Country Jam skews its lineup towards contemporary artists and doesn’t go for crossover pop acts. If you like country radio and offsite camping, this is the festival for you.

Kickapoo Country Fair

July 24-24 La Farge, WI: Organic Valley Headquarters

$10, $8 for kids 12 and under Artists: Miles Nielson, The SoapBox Project, Fayme Rochelle & the Waxwings, Patchouli, Eric Nofsinger Band, Mike & the Longbeds, JJ's Zydeco Paydirt, Corey Hart, The Squeezettes, Sweet Grass & Sage, The Viroqua Men's Choir! Supper Says: Much more than a simple music festival, the Kickapoo Country Fair is a celebration of all things sustainable, wholesome and family-friendly. Organic Valley has been hosting the fair for 7 years, and its latest incarnation includes film screenings, cooking demonstrations, theatre and the renowned “acrobaticalist” troupe NANDA.

Grateful Garcia Gathering

July 29-August 1 Black River Falls, WI: Camp NCN $35 Artists: Melvin Seals, Elf Lettuce, Family Groove Company, The Grasshoppers, The Brent Brown Band, Absolute Gruv, One Man Gathers, Lunar Funk Theory, Grateful Beth, Jimmy Goodtimes, Baghdad Scuba Review, Fungus Garden Reverb, Tommy Garcia, The Bar Tab Band, Wook Supper Says: It’s hard to imagine an American live music scene without the Grateful Dead, and at the Grateful Garcia Gathering you won’t be able to. See an assortment of Midwest jammers space out at the beloved (or infamous) Camp NCN.

Mid West Music Fest

July 30-31 Winona, MN: Various venues Tickets TBD Artists: 1,2,3, Walrus, the 757s, Adam Without Eve, Beat Root Stew, bo.monro, Brahman Shaman, the Brilliant Beast, Enchanted Ape, Gun Barrel City, Hyphon, Matt Ray and Those Damn Horses, Michelle Lynn, Porcupine, Rogue the Wolf, Shot to Hell, Skies Alive, The Soviet Onion, Wake Up Bedhead Supper Says: Praise be to plucky Winona for organizing their own South By Southweststyled music festival. Artists skew towards Minneapolis/Winona/La Crosse cooridor, but they perform a surprising variety of genres.

Lollapalooza

August 6-8 Chicago, IL: Grant Park $215 Artists: Soundgarden, Green Day, Lady Gaga, Arcade Fire, The Strokes, Phoenix, Social Distortion, MGMT, Jimmy Cliff, Hot Chip, Devo, Cypress Hill, Erykah Badu, Grizzly Bear, Gogol Bordello, Chromeo, Wolfmother, Yeasayer, Dirty Projectors, AFI, Mavis Staples, Drive-By Truckers, Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros Supper Says: The biggest fest in the Midwest, Lollapalooza takes Bonnaroo’s everything-is-better booking philosophy and transplants it to an urban setting. This allows you to see some of the world’s biggest and most exciting musicians — and not turn into a sore, stinky mess while doing so.

May 27, 2010 // 5

6// May 27, 2010

The Arts Review The Designer's Drugs Medium: Literature Stimulus: Witch and Wizard Authors: James Patterson and Gabrielle Charbonnet Anno: 2009 A long time ago I promised myself that I would someday read one of James Patterson’s 50 billion books and review it, whether it was mystery or sap, for adults or for teens, written alone or alongside a member of his army of co-writers. That day has finally come. I have at last read a James Patterson novel. Yikes. Witch and Wizard is the opening book in Patterson’s newest series for teens, and while the concept of an aged writer attempting to ignore the generation gap and sound cool may explain some of the story’s flaws, it doesn’t cover everything. The premise is acceptable enough. A brother and sister develop magical powers after being arrested by a totalitarian government ruled by armed and psychotic Puritans, and the pair soon find

Have an opinion? Send your letters to the editor to Second Supper, 614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601 or by e-mail to editor@secondsupper.com. Letters should be signed and include phone number for verification purposes. Please limit letters to no more than 300 words. Second Supper reserves the right to edit letters for length, clarity and grammar. For more information, call (608) 782-7001.

Second Supper

ARTS themselves within the kids good, grownups bad, multidimensional revolution. The elements that make the book so unbearable are found in Patterson’s technique. First of all, James Patterson is famed for his two- to three-page chapters, which both destroy his narrative flow and inflate the book’s page count. That tendency is in full force in Witch and Wizard, which is a 300-page book that by all rights is a 200-page book, with a cliffhanger behind every turn of the page. It gets old. Furthermore, the writing in this book is usually painful, full of awkward descriptions and conversations. The story somewhat gels as it moves along, and the end of the book it approaches something readable, but there are some heinous moments along the way. The first of these comes during Chapter 8 — only 30 or so pages into the story, mind you. Here, the evil mastermind known, ridiculously, as “The One Who Is the One” confronts the family. Before the inevitable condemnation, Mr. One-One compliments the brother on being “Tall and blond, slender yet well-muscled, perfectly proportioned.” I say again: Yikes. Maybe Patterson lowers his expectations when he writes for kids, but somehow I doubt it. Books written for teens get a not altogether undeserved stereotype of being dumbed down and vacuous (especially the horde of stuck-up bitch novels written for teenage girls), but I’d expect better from an author who comes out with at least five novels per year. If James Patterson is truly the storyteller of the lowest common denominator — and there’s nothing in Witch and Wizard that casts any doubt as to this — the lowest common denominator deserves better. — Brett Emerson

Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre Medium: Film Movie: Saved By the Bell: Hawaiian Style (1992) Director: Don Barnhart Cast: Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Dustin Diamond, Dennis Haskins Written by: Bennett Tramer As with most things pertaining to Saved by the Bell, something amazing and absurd happened as I prepared to write this review. Having not seen this masterpiece in many

years, I went to Wikipedia’s Web site in order to dredge up information and trivia. I typed in “Hawaiian Style” instead of the film’s full title, assuming that the keyword would be good enough to take me to the page I sought. It was not. Instead, Wikipedia loaded an entry about mammary intercourse. There were diagrams. Yet the glory that is Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style eclipses the sexy medical drawings that make the 15-year-old boys scream. After years of plotting, scheming and dreaming, the only six students of Bayside High have made it to Hawaii at last. Yet their hopes for days of fun in the sun are soon dashed, replaced by a spiraling saga of corporate espionage, identity theft, unwed mothers and the exploitation of indigenous peoples. These six high school students (and their principal) stand on the precipice between wonder and ruin. While a lesser film would focus upon the usual themes of Zack Morris chasing tail and the erotically charged arguments of A.C. Slater and Jessie Spano, this movie dares to shake the viewer out of such complacency. The main thrust of this tale follows our heroes as they strive to save the humble hotel of Kelly Kapowski’s grandfather. I know what you must be thinking: wasn’t Kelly Kapowski’s family dirt poor, so much so that she couldn’t attend school dances? Well, shut up! The gravitas of the hotel’s plight is only overshadowed by the triumphant tale of Screech Powers, who becomes the chief of a local Hawaiian tribe. Chief Screech rules with fairness and wisdom, leading his people, as Moses before him, to a promised land of delight. His quest is aided by his noble friends, who dress up Principal Belding as an absent-minded professor and set him loose against the crooked bastards who threaten them all. As always, Belding and Screech remain the heart and soul of Saved by the Bell. The film’s only flaw is that there’s no laugh track. The awkward silences that follow a classic Screech gag or one of Mr. Belding’s mental breakdowns make one appreciate the assuring quality of canned laughter. Yet the ambition shown in casting caution to the winds and letting humor stand for itself is truly courageous. Epics such as Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style come once in a lifetime — that is if you don’t count its sequel, Wedding in Las Vegas. Gosh, I hope that doesn’t mean

something dirty.

— Brett Emerson

The Screening Room

Medium: Film MacGruber (2010) Director: Jorma Taccone Cast: Will Forte, Kristen Wiig, Ryan Phillippe Writer: Will Forte, John Solomon, Jorma Taccone MacGruber is a film caught up between parodying action-comedy conventions and inadvertently falling victim to them. It's an enjoyable, at times riotous parody that's not without big laughs, but one that's weighed down by its own ill-advised desire to take itself too seriously. This schizophrenic behavior is perhaps best summed up in how the film portrays the main character: sometimes he's an unstoppable bad-ass with balls of steel and the gravitas of a saint, and other times he's a fumbling, incompetent nincompoop with the intelligence of a Neanderthal. Well which is he? He can't logically be both. Likewise, is MacGruber a legitimate actioncomedy with a kooky main character, or an all-out spoof? At the start of the film, Will Forte's highly decorated, presumed-dead ex-Marine/ Navy SEAL/Army Ranger is in exile in South America. He's called back into action when Val Kilmer's stereotypical super-villain Dieter Von Cunth steals a nuclear weapon and aims to blow up Washington D.C. So far so good — the premise is simple, and keeping things simple allows Forte and company to load up every scene with as much humor as possible. Unfortunately, a big chunk of MacGruber's gags caters to the toilet humor crowd, and scenes that could have hit the laugh ball out of the park instead settle for the mediocrity of a single. MacGruber may very well squander away the opportunity to achieve comic greatness, but from time to time the film hits the mark in some very rewarding and unexpected ways. It only lacks consistency. At times it's smart, and at times it panders to juveniles. It's certainly a lot edgier than the innocent MacGyver-knocking sketch that inspired it. As is, MacGruber arranges its laughs kind of like a pop music album: some bona fide hits with a lot of filler sandwiched in between. — Nick Cabreza

Second Supper

The Advice Goddess By Amy Alkon amy.alkon@secondsupper.com Bust actress

I was considering breast implants until I read your column on the potential side-effects. Recently, I read that casting directors are seeking actresses without plastic surgery. Does this mark a new trend? — Inherited My Dad’s Rack There were some stories about a “Pirates of the Caribbean” casting call for extras with breasts that came from Mother Nature instead of Dr. Finkelstein. A handful of casting directors then chimed in that plastic surgery is out. Of course, it’s always been out for some (picture Meryl Streep and Judi Dench sitting around pondering, “To DDD or not to DDD…”) While this reported trend in looking natural seems part of the trend toward grass-fed beef, hemp lingerie and “Hey, you crashed your Prius into my electric golf cart!” it’s good to remember that there’s a

ADVICE trend in the media to come up with trends. The truth is, the really scary women — those who look like they couldn’t get in to see Dr. Finkelstein so they booked Dr. Frankenstein instead — are mostly found at Hollywood parties. (You don’t see women going into the feed store in Montana with trout pouts.) I’d say what’s out everywhere is visible plastic surgery — the kind that makes you notice the surgery instead of the girl. But, contrast those tiny little things who look like they had two rogue planets bolted to their ribcage with Kate Hudson, who recently went from pretty-well flat to a politely perky C. You’d really never know, but for the fact she’s a movie star, not a salesclerk at JCPenney: “Breaking news: Massive oil spill in the Gulf, and Kate Hudson has new boobs.”

A whole new bald game

I’ve noticed some things vanishing from the North American landscape; namely, phone booths, drinking fountains and pubic hair on women. Phone booths I understand, drinking fountains I chalk up to cost of upkeep, but why the hair down there? — Bemused Trends in hair removal seem to follow trends in fashion. Starting around 2000, ultra low-rise jeans were in, but looking like you had a furry little pet peeking out from them was not. With the growth of Internet porn, and porn culture merging into mainstream culture, women started wearing underwear the size of a postage stamp. (If a woman doesn’t at least prune the edges of

the hedges she’ll look like she’s wearing a doily over a bearskin rug.) Many people favor going mowed or bare because it seems “more hygienic,” and because you don’t have to make your way through the bramble to get to the good parts. There are men who are creeped out by a woman in her 30s who looks like she has yet to hit puberty. But, according to my research, most women under 30 at least trim, and a good many opt for totally barenaked ladyparts. Many men, especially younger men, trim, and a few go for the full-bare “boyzilian.” Eek. Some women and men are even making the hairless downstairs a permanent thing with laser hair removal. They seem to be forgetting that fashions change. Just as all those ugly '70s styles came back, the ‘fro down below could eventually be in again. … Good news, I suppose, for people who sell press-on goatees and dermatologists in the business of installing hair plugs.

Flee collar

One week, my boyfriend of four months was telling me he loves me and planning our vacation, and the next, he was saying he was overwhelmed with life stressors and needed to be alone. Not long afterward, a friend who’s online dating showed me a guy’s profile, and guess whose it was! I want to scream at him, “Grow up, put on your big boy pants, stop being a coward and treating me like a stupid female.” — Irate If honesty were actually the best policy, people would use it more often. In a mob

May 27, 2010 // 7 hit, instead of making up some ruse involving fresh cannoli, they’d say “Tommy, come over, we’re gonna garrote you.” To make tough situations easier, we all lie or tell just enough of the truth to get the point across: “It’s not you, it’s me. …” No need to get into the hurtful specifics: “… and how I hate the way you look, smell, talk and chew, and that weird snorting thing you do in bed.” With either one, the takeaway is the same: “It’s over. Move on.” Much as you feel you deserve the truth, having it isn’t always the best thing. It’s his half-truth — “I need to be alone” — that sets you free (to find somebody else), and the whole truth — “I need to be alone to write up my JDate profile” — that keeps you too busy screaming that he’s a patronizing coward who shops for pants in the little boys’ department.

Writers Wanted Second Supper is looking to add columnists to write on any of the following topics: • Local government/politics • Local bar scene • Local restaurants • Local arts scene • Life in La Crosse Send letter of introduction and 500-word column sample(s) to editor@secondsupper.com.

8// May 27, 2010

Second Supper

MUSIC

music directory // May 28 to June 3 FRIDAY,

just a roadie away

May 28

Milwaukee

LA CROSSE QUEEN // Riverside Park The Journeymen (dinner cruise) • 6 p.m.

population

596,974

THE NEW PORNOGRAPHERS // JUNE 12 Pabst Theatre • $22.50

MOOSE LODGE // 1932 Ward Ave. Time and a Half (classic rock & country) • 7 p.m.

LIL' KIM // JUNE 13 The Rave • $20

NIGHTHAWKS TAP // 401 S. Third St. D.O.'s Stylin Jam (gear provided) • 10 p.m.

CHICK COREA // JUNE 17 Northern Lights Theatre • $35-45

NORTH SIDE OASIS // 620 Gillette St. Pulse 8 (rock) • 9:30 p.m.

MGMT // JUNE 20 Riverside Theatre • $27.50

PEARL STREET BREWERY // 1401 St. Andrew St.

LIARS // JULY 15 Turner Hall • $12

Luke Hembd & Cheech (duo) • 5 p.m. PIGGY'S BLUES LOUNGE // 501 Front St. S. Mudcat and the Bottomfeeders (blues) • 8 p.m. POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Devil Train (Memphis bluegrass) • 10 p.m. STONEY CREEK INN // 3060 S. Kinney Coulee String Ties (bluegrass) • 7:30 p.m.

Hot on the heels of a successful Reggae Fest, the Trempealeau Hotel returns this weekend with another full day of music. Blues Bash 2010 kicks of Saturday at 2 p.m. with Milwaukee's Perry Weber and the DeVilles. The Jimmy's, a nince-piece Chicago blues band follows with a set that touches on second-line New Orleans funk. "The world's No. 1 house rocking band," according to the Boston Glove, Lil' Ed and the Blues Imperials (pictured) headlines with a set at 8 p.m. New Olreans piano chanteusse Stephanie Niles closes the evening with a set inside the hotel at beginning 11 p.m. Tickets are $15 in advance, $20 day of show.

SUNDAY, NIGHTHAWKS TAP // 401 S. Third St. Brownie's Recipe (jam) • 10 p.m. NORTH SIDE OASIS // 620 Gillette St. Pulse 8 (rock) • 9:30 p.m

THE BODEGA // 122 4th St. Adam Palm & Joe Gantzer (rock/pop) PIGGY'S BLUES LOUNGE // 501 Front St. S. Mudcat and the Bottomfeeders • 9 p.m. (blues) • 8 p.m. THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Adam Without Eve and DJ Neptunez POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. The Kokopellians (bluegrassy) • 10 p.m. (hip-hop; CD release show) • 9 p.m. THE WATERFRONT TAVERN // 328 Front St. Kies & Kompanie (jazz) • 8 p.m.

SATURDAY,

May 29

HOUSE CONCERT // N7916 Bluff View Court Tori Sparks (folk) • 7:30 p.m. LA CROSSE QUEEN // Riverside Park The Journeymen (dinner cruise) • 6 p.m. MY SECOND HOME // 2104 George St. Fillet-O-Soul (funk & soul) • 8 p.m. NELL'S CITY GRILL // 1111 S. Third St. Karl Friedline (baritone w/ guitar) • 6 p.m.

THE ARTERIAL // 1003 S. 16th St. Swan, Nirva and DeGier (acoustic rock & blues) • 9 p.m. THE JOINT // 324 Jay St. Three Beers til Dubuque (legendary show band) • 10 p.m. TREMPEALEAU HOTEL // 150 Main St. Perry Weber & the DeVilles, The Jimmys, Lil' Ed & the Blues Imperials, Stephanie Nilles (Blues Bash) • 2 p.m. THE WATERFRONT TAVERN // 328 Front St. Kies & Kompanie (jazz) • 8 p.m.

May 30

RUSTED ROOT// JULY 20 Eagle's Ballroom • $20

WEDNESDAY,

June 2

CONCORDIA BALLROOM // 1129 La Crosse St. Red's Polka Band (polka) • 1 p.m.

NIGHTHAWKS TAP // 401 S. Third St. The Bad Axe Band (open jam) • 10 p.m.

HUCK FINN'S // 127 Marina Dr. T.U.G.G. (Reggae on the River) • 7 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Open Jam • 10 p.m.

LA CROSSE QUEEN // Riverside Park The Journeymen (dinner cruise) • 6 p.m.

RECOVERY ROOM // 901 7th St. S. Dox Phonic (open jam) • 10 p.m.

NIGHTHAWKS TAP // 401 S. Third St.

RIVER JACK'S // 1835 Rose St. The Journeymen (folk) • 6 p.m.

Brownie's Recipe (jam) • 10 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Moon Boot Posse (SoCal fusion) • 10 p.m.

THURSDAY,

June 3

MONDAY, May 31

FREIGHT HOUSE // 107 Vine St. Mudcat and the Bottomfeeders • 8 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Shawn's Open jam • 10 p.m.

NIGHTHAWKS TAP // 401 S. Third St. Dave Orr's Damn Jam (open jam) • 10 p.m.

June 1

TUESDAY,

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Roster McCabe (par-tay) • 10 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Fayme and Casey (acoustic) • 10 p.m.

THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Open Mic • 8 p.m.

THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Jazz Jam • 8 p.m.

Kies and Kompanie (jazz) • 5 p.m.

THE STARLITE LOUNGE // 222 Pearl St.

Second Supper

May 27, 2010 // 9

MUSIC

The Majak Mixtape The pop music landscape is a place that can be divided into two camps: originators and duplicators. Often times it’s the duplicators through sheer force, will and Payola that end up trumping their style ancestors in popularity, so below is a list of original recipe tastemakers and their low-fat, less flavorful counterparts in a mixtape I’m dubbing “The Swagger Jacker Mix”:

Currently assaulting top 40 radio with a dubious brand of drunk-girl-at-Coconut-Joe’spop, Ke$ha has been called a Lady GaGa follower, but Ke-dollar sign-sha owes most of her swagger to Uffie, a Paris-based hipster whose debut album classily titled “Sex Dreams and Denim Jeans” arrives stateside June 8. In the same sort of talk-sing form as Ke$ha, Uffie gleefully talks about partying thankfully without the aid of Helen Keller lovers 3Oh!3. Tracks to download: “MC’s Can Kiss,” “Tthhee Ppaarrttyy” with Justice, and “Pop the Glock.” Right now, somewhere Grace Jones is filing a police report against Rihanna/Lady GaGa for the wholesale theft of her look. An androgynous Glamazon, Grace Jones perfected “style is the new substance” long before Rihanna’s domestic disturbia with Chris Brown or Lady GaGa was downplaying rumors of having a pronounced disco stick. Tracks to download: “Demolition Man,” “La Vie en Rose,” “Slave to the Rhythm.” Justin Bieber is basically the YouTube-if-

ied, new millennium Osmond brother. Think about it. The side-swept hair, the Tiger Beat fan base, the whole whiff of his career just a voice crack from being over with a likely adulthood spent in Branson, Missouri. Track to download: “One Bad Apple.” Usher’s song “OMG” is currently the number one single on the Billboard Top 100. If you like this tune, you will like: the five million identical Black Eyed Pea songs Will.I.Am has produced. And finally, if you like Lady GaGa’s new single “Alejandro,” you should take a quick iTunes stroll through the early back catalog of Ace of Base. Seriously, you can’t tell me “Alejandro” and Ace of Base’s “All That She Wants” aren’t at least kissing cousins. Tracks to download: Everything off The Sign. Download: M.I.A.’s new single “XXXO.” Stream: Kelis’ new single “Acapella” on her myspace. Skip: Katy Perry’s “Tik Tok”-flavored single “California Gurls.”

Sudoku

Answers on Page 11

The Best Food & Drink Specials in Town LOCATION

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

ARENA

SUNDAY

Midwest Poker League 7 p.m.

Closed

Wyld Wednesday: $2 Jumbo UV, mixers $1.50 Coronas

Ladies' Night, $5 Long Island pitchers

$1 Cherry Bombs, $1 Keystone Light silos

BODEGA BREW PUB

$2 BBQ Pork Sliders

2-Fers, Buy any regularly priced food item and get one of equal or lesser value for free

$2.50 Coors vs. Keystone pitchers. All specials 9 p.m. to close

AUC2D: $5, domestic taps, rail mix- 10-cent wings, $1 Miller High Life ers, Long Islands. All specials 9 p.m. bottles, $1.50 rail mixers; $2.50 call to close drinks. All specials 9 p.m. to close.

107 3rd St. S. 782-1883 122 4th St. 782-0677

BROTHERS

Closed

306 Pearl St. 784-0522

FEATURES

Fish Tacos: 1 / $2.50, 2 / $5.00, 3 / $6.50.

Free beer 5:30-6:30; Free wings 7:30- Taco buffet 11-2; 8:30, Free bowling after 9 $1 Pabst bottles and $1 bowling after 9

W3923 State Highway 16 786-9000

HOWIE’S

AUC2D: $5, domestic taps, rail mixers and Long Islands. Wristband Night: $2.50 SoCo & Jack. All specials 9 p.m. to close.

$3 3 Olives mixers, $3 Mojitos, $2 $3 Bacardi mixers, $3 Mojitos, $2 Cherry Bombs, $1 Bazooka Joe's; Cherry bombs, $1 Bazooka Joe's. FAC: $3 domestic pitchers, micro/ All specials 9 p.m. to close. import taps, anything that pours. 4-9 p.m.

All you care to eat pizza buffet, 11-2

All you care to eat fish fry 4-10; un- Prime rib dinner 4-10; limited Glow-N-Bowl $9.99 unlimited Glow-N-Bowl $9.99

1125 La Crosse St. 784-7400

Happy hour 4 to 9 p.m.; 9 p.m. to 9 p.m. to close: $3.50 domestic 9 p.m. to close: $1 rails, $2.50 pitch- $5 all you can drink close: Night Before Class - $3 pitch- pitchers ers, beer pong ers of the beast

9 p.m. to close: $1.25 rails, $1.75 bottles/cans

9 p.m. to close: $2 Captain mixers, $2 bottles/cans, $3 Jager bombs

IMPULSE

Closed

Karaoke 9 p.m.-Close; Happy Hour daily 5-8

Wine & martini night; Happy Hour daily 5-8

18+ night (1st and 3rd Thursday of each month); Happy Hour daily 5-8

$25 open bar package, 11 p.m. to Happy Hour daily 5-8 close: domestic/import beer, rail, call drinks, martinis; Happy Hour daily 5-8

JB’S SPEAKEASY

$1.75 domestic bottles

SIN Night

$1.75 domestic bottles

Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m.

$1.79 burger (after 8 p.m.) Breakfast 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Hat Night: Buy 1 drink, get 1 free w/ Rail drinks $2 (4:30 to close); Buckets of beer $10, Boston Bobby's Margaritas $4 (Straw, rasp, mango, hat (4:30 to close); $1.50 chili dogs After 8 p.m. specials: $5 skewer of drummies 10 for $2 (4:30 to close), peach and reg); After 8 p.m. specials: (after 8 p.m.) shrimp,l $1.79 burger, $1.50 chili dogs $1.79 burger (after 8 p.m.) $5 skewer of shrimp, $1.79 burger

Breakfast 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.

$2 can beer (2-6 p.m.) $11 buckets of beers (6-close)

$2 can beer (2-6 p.m.) 12" pizza: $8.99 up to 5 toppings (4-close)

Wings, Wings, Wings... $2 off 14: Ladies night, 2 for 1 drinks (6-close), Friday Fish, $2 can beer (2-6) pizza, $2 can beer (2-6 p.m.) $2 can beer (2-6 p.m.)

2 for 1 pints/pitches w/ student ID over 21

Buck Burgers

Tacos $1.25

15-cent wings

214 Main St. 782-6010

9 p.m. to close: $2 Bacardi mixers, $2 domestic pints, $1.50 shots blackberry brandy

Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m.

717 Rose St. 796-1161

SCHMIDTY’S 3119 State Road 788-5110

SLOOPY'S ALMA MATER 163 Copeland Ave. 785-0245

SPORTS NUT

$8.99 12-ounce T-bone

801 Rose St. 784-1811

THE LIBRARY

Sunday Fun Day - Wristband Night

Half price tequilla, $1 domestic taps Karaoke, $2 Double rails & all bot- Beer Pong Tourney and and rails tles; $3 Double call drinks wristband night

123 3rd St. 784-8020

TOP SHOTS

$3 Bacardi mixers, $3 Jumbo Long Island Iced Teas

$3 Jumbo Long Island Iced Teas, $3 3 Olives mixers $5 Miller/Bud Light Pitchers, $2.25 Leinies Bottles (7-1AM)

137 4th St. 782-6622

$5 Pitchers/$2 bottles of Miller $1.75 Miller/Bud Light Taps, $2.25 $1.75 Rails, $1.50 Domestic Taps, $2 domestic bottles, $2.50 Skyy/ products (11-4pm) MIcro/Craft Taps, $2.50 Cherry Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs Absolut mixers, $2 Dr. shots $2 Corona Bottles, $2 Kilo Kai Mixers (7-1AM) (7-1AM) (7-1am) , $3 Bloodys (7-1AM)

5 Domestic Bottles for $10, $5 $2 Captain Mixers, $2. Long Island Micro/Import Bottles $11.50, $7 Mixers, $3 Effen Vodka Mixers (7Micro/Craft Pitchers (7-1AM) 1AM)

TRAIN STATION BBQ

Ask for great eats

11 a.m. to 3 p.m., Barn burner $7.95; 4 to 9 p.m., Hobo dinner (serves two) $30.95

WHO'S ON THIRD

Happy Hour until 10 p.m. $1.50 domestic taps, $2 rails from 10 to close

601 St. Andrew St. 781-0005 126 3rd St. N. 782-9467

$1 taps of PBR, $1 rails

11 a.m. to 3 p.m., extra side with sandwich; 4 to 9 p.m., $1 off rib dinner

Special varies

11 a.m. to 3 p.m., Chicken on fire One-half chicken three bones $7.95; 4 to 9 p.m., Bones and bris- $12.95 kets $13.95

$3 call doubles, $2 Bud products

Ladies' Night: $2 top shelf, $1 Pink $8.50 Fish Bowls, $2 Miller products $1 off Three Olives, $2 domestic taps Tacos Everyone: $2.50 bombs, $2 taps, $3 Jack/Captain doubles

Editor's Note: For information about advertising your food and drink specials, call Second Supper at (608) 782-7001 or e-mail us at advertising@secondsupper.com.

10// May 27, 2010

Maze Efflux

Second Supper

CONSUMPTION "Not so full of it, are we?" Seriously, cut it out

By Erich Boldt By Matt Jones

The Beer Review Moose Drool Big Sky Brewing Company Missoula, Montana Well it’s Memorial Day weekend, which heralds the unofficial start of music festival season, and for the serious beer connoisseur this brings about one important ramification: time to start drinking out of cans. The microbrew in a bottle vs. can debate has been hashed out many times in many places by beer hounds even more passionate than I, but festival promoters tend to side exclusively with the aluminum side. We can’t blame them. Quality music festivals are held in natural settings with lots of barefooted attendees, and no one wants broken glass to spoil the fun. So the typical remedy is to ban all glass products at the gates, which has elicited outrage from many beer snobs, but it’s a festival’s right to make the rules and our responsibility to follow them. Thus, I look at the cans-only rule as a sort of challenge, a little vacation from my typically glassy drinking routine. And in that spirit, I am beginning a short series of canned beer reviews, but it won’t be all PBR and Budweiser up in here. There are actually lots of excellent

microbrews that come in cans, and at the top of that list is Moose Drool. One of the most beloved brown ales on the national market, Moose Drool is an iconic beer, and it’s slightly disconcerting to see it reproduced in a sepia-toned can. I don’t have any other gripes about its appearance since I didn’t pour it into a pint glass, but I do remember this Appearance: 6 beer being brown with a creamy white Aroma: 6 head. Out of a can, the hops smell more Taste: 9 pronounced than usual with the typi- Mouthfeel: 8 cal maltiness masked by metal. The taste Drinkability: 7 also seems crisper, better than I remember out of a tap or Total: 36 bottle. The first taste is a sweet one, and it only becomes richer as it moves along the tongue — basically warming from simple chocolate to milk chocolate to a chocolate malt with notes of coffee. There’s a full bready taste with a creamy mouthfeel and some deft hops at the finish. While I usually find Moose Drool to be a rather simple offering, there’s just something special about this beer in a can. It tastes like dessert, which paradoxically makes it more delicious but less drinkable than its bottled cousins. However, when I wake up in a tent with a full day of concert-going ahead of me, drinking beer has never seemed to be a problem. — Adam Bissen

ACROSS 1 Country singer Paisley on a military boat? 7 "7th Heaven" actress Jessica 11 Vampire's other form 14 Journalist/blogger Daniel 15 1970s song whose dance forms letters 16 Prefix with center or lady? 17 Where "two guys" are often located, jokewise 18 Overseas greeting? 20 Holder and Reno, for short 21 Mishmash 23 ___ voce 24 The value of an Egyptian sun god's bales? 28 "___ a slitted sheet I sit" 29 Comedian Lam-

panelli 30 Site of 1993 accords 32 Open a thigh-high boot, maybe 35 Bonaduce running around in a plastic, cone-shaped red hat? 40 "Get my drift?" 41 Like store-purchased debit cards 43 ___-Mex cuisine 44 Mickey Mouse's unsuccessful cousin? 46 Deplorable 48 Departs 49 "Am ___ yesterday's news?" ("You'll Never Know," Edwyn Collins) 51 Vizquel of baseball 53 Part of a boat named after radio man Paul? 59 It'll come back to you 61 ___ horrible death 62 Gun gp. 63 It answers the question "Do you know how

Answers to May 20 puzzle Just for kicks: Games of the leg

fast you were going?" 65 Fix a paragraph 68 Pass with flying colors 69 Sgts. outrank them 70 Wet kiss 71 Kind of kid 72 Enmity 73 Reply to "Were any people left after Dick and Harry departed?" DOWN 1 Type of tobacco pipe 2 ___ bell (was familiar) 3 "Just ___..." (inexact recipe instruction) 4 Figure on a driver's license: abbr. 5 "Don't do drugs" ad, for short 6 Loses on purpose 7 On a plane 8 Complaint during summer months 9 "The Name of the Rose" author 10 Potato chip brand 11 Allen Ginsberg and Jack Kerouac, for two 12 Inclined toward 13 Attach, like a ribbon 19 Sugar frontman Bob 22 Construction vehicle with a scooper 25 Boxer Laila 26 Abbie Hoffman party member 27 Hagar the Horrible's daughter

31 Capital with an opera house 32 Acronym for computer ports 33 Prefix for liberal or conservative 34 Calming pastime with a rake 36 Shrinks' org. 37 Home-grown 38 Hamster doc 39 Clearasil competitor 42 Hebrew letter 45 "___ Rae" (Sally Field movie) 47 Torah holder 50 Newspaper publisher William Randolph ___ 51 Gumbo pods 52 Auto body company with old "uh-oh" ads 54 What "X" may mean 55 Laundry cycle 56 Provide a fund for 57 Author Jong 58 Thin wood strips 60 Gateway ___ 64 Honor roll stat 66 Panic! at the Disco genre 67 The 31st, often: abbr. For answers, call (900) 226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Or to bill to a credit card, call (800) 655-6549. Reference puzzle #0468.

Visit us online at www.secondsupper.com

Second Supper

May 27, 2010 // 11

THE LAST WORD

This Is Your Life By Brett Emerson brett.emerson@secondsupper.com It had been two years between when I moved to California and when I came back to La Crosse to see my best friend’s wedding. My first night back in town felt like a bizarre version of “This Is Your Life.” Following my grandfather’s snarling overreaction to my blast red hair and a foiled soiling of a salad bar, I quickly fell out of my head and shambled around downtown, trailing my more coherent friends. It seemed as though every person I had grown up with was on the streets and in the bars that night, including my loser cousin, who offered me coke and picked a fight with a friend who tried to bail me out. But the strangest moment of the night happened as I lurched over a table in a high and far away corner of the Library. As I tried to scramble my brains back together, a dimlooking kid came up behind me. “You used to call me ‘Mushy Cookie,’” he said, and then walked away.

I was stunned. The story was true; in the course of losing three years of my life slaving at a local buffet I worked with this schmuck. He was annoying, so many of us gave him shit, arrogantly ignoring the fact that we were all working in a buffet and that all our lives sucked. For my part, I crawled into his head by promising that we would soon make him the centerpiece in a dirty sex game, a sexual piñata, if you will. Hence, Mushy Cookie. Seven years had passed, and I had become someone else. My waist-length hair had been replaced with spiky reds, and I looked nothing like I used to. Yet Mushy Cookie saw through the changes and remembered me. I must have made an impression. This is my point of departure. Within days I will be unemployed, in the process of abandoning most of the clutter I’ve amassed during the past four years I’ve spent back in La Crosse. Within the week, I’ll have moved out of Stately Y Manor. In two weeks, I’ll be far, far away. I plan to continue writing, and some of my things will continue to show up in this forum. At the same time, three years of building up experience, habit and ambition have given me the desire to go further. Something I’ve liked a great deal about my time with the Second Supper has been the ridiculous amount of latitude, freedom and trust I’ve been given in my writing. It’s hard to imagine finding a better launch pad. There have been times when that level of laissez-faire support has led to bad ends in the

Supper, but all the same I think we’ve managed to keep a pretty neat ship. In my case, the hands-off approach has been a great fortune. In fact, it made me want to write more. At least half of the dozens of interviews I’ve conducted for the Supper have happened because I sought them out. Nobody asked me to review movies and books every week, or write columns that ranged between the furious and the ridiculous. You can bet your ass that nobody asked me to write about weird movies, or write bad goth poetry, or stage a fight between Ed Gein and Mr. Wizard. And if all this wasn’t the case, if I was viewed as a tool to fulfill somebody else’s visions and agendas — well, I probably wouldn’t be writing this now. Yet the paper’s directors have always let me run with whatever I have to offer, and as such I’ve continually surprised myself with how much that can be. Which brings me to my next decision. I doubt I’m going to have it this easy again. So what I’m considering, on the next act of my most excellent adventure, is not relying on the mercy of another establishment to display my work. So I may create my own establishment. To paraphrase a friend of mine — though bear in mind that he was referring to homeless Dumpster orgies — “Don’t follow the scene. Make your own.” I intend to. There are plans. The end sum is this: La Crosse was more fun in the last span of four years than it was for the previous span of 23, when I grew up, went to college and ran away to where the sidewalk ends. There is no doubt in my

mind that it’s time to leave — I’m still not rose-colored about La Crosse — but starting since that shambling night with Mushy Cookie, this place has grown to become a haven, if not a home. Though I don’t believe in obligation, I am glad that I came back. I wonder who will remember me, the next time. For now, godspeed. Which is almost as fast as me.

Sudoku

Answers for puzzle on Page 9

Downtown La Crosse, above Fayzes - 782-6622

top shots joke of the week City employee: A hole has appeared in the ladies' bathroom at City Hall.

Check out our new Beers on Tap!

Mayor: Police are looking into it.

Good People, Good Drinks, Good Times

SUNDAY

$5 Pitchers $2 Bottles of Miller Products (11-4 pm) $2 Corona Bottles $2 Kilo Kai Mixers $3 Bloody’s (7-1am)

MONDAY TUESDAY

$1.75 - Miller/Bud Taps $2.25 Micro/Craft Taps $2.50 Cherry Bombs (7-1am)

$1.75 Rails $1.50 Domestic Taps $3.50 Jager Bombs (7-1am)

$2.00 - 1 Player, $3.00 - 2 Players 50 Cents Off Drinks, $1 Off Pitchers

WEDNESDAY $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Skyy/Absolute Mixers $2 Dr. Shots (7-1am)

THURSDAY FRIDAY 5 Domestic Bottles 4 $10 $5 Micro/Import Bottles $11.50, $7 Micro/Craft Pitchers (7-1am)

$5 Miller Lite/Bud Light Pitchers

SATURDAY $2.25 Leinies Bottles (7-1am)

$2 Captain Mixers $2 Long Islands $3 Effen Vodka Mixers (7-1am)

12// May 27, 2010

Second Supper