La Crosse Rising by Second Supper

INSIDE... A guide to Winter Rec-Fest, Silver Anniversary style

La Crosse's Free Press VOLUME 11, NO. 1 | JANUARY 20, 2011

Page 4

City planning director looks ahead Page 5

PLUS: BEARS/PACKERS MIXTAPE • PAGE 7 | WISCO'S NEWEST BEER• PAGE 9 | Y MARKS THE SPOT • PAGE 11

PHOTO BY ASHLY CONRAD

La Crosse Rising?

2// January 20, 2011

Second Supper

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Second Supper

Things To Do Be-bop!

The Top Bears 1. Fozzie 2. Yogi 3. Berenstain 4. Bad News 5. Paddington 6. Smokey 7. Sugar Snowy winter movies (submitted by M.S.) 1. Never Cry Wolf 2. Wonder Boys 3. Nobody's Fool 4. Amadeus 5. The Last Detail 6. Touching the Void 7. Insomnia

January 20, 2011 // 3

FIRST THINGS FIRST

Jazz is in the air this weekend as the Chicago based trumpeter Kirk Garrison and his quintet will join the UW-L Jazz Ensemble I and the tri-state’s top high school groups at the 37th Annual UW-L Jazz Festival. The concert begins at 7 p.m. and will take place in Valhalla, Cartwright Center Gunning Addition. Tickets for the event are $10 for students and $15 for others. In addition to the evening concert, middle school and high school jazz ensembles and combos will be performing from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. The ensembles will perform for a panel of clinicians and have an on-stage critique following their performance. All the daytime activities will take place throughout Cartwright Center. These performances are free and open to the public. For more information, visit www.uwlax.edu/jazzstudies/Festival.html. 2Fifteen Clothing, Varsity Club, Citgo North and Citgo South.

Be an artiste

Vitamin Studio has settled into its new dowtown location and is ready to kick off its winter and spring classes and workshops. There is plenty going on for people of all ages, skill levels, and media to learn in a professional art studio environment.The 2011 winter classes include Foundation Painting Skills, Youth Open Studio, Introductory Oil Painting, Figure Drawing and Intro to Printmaking. Classes cost between $10 and $105 depending on membership status and material cost. To register for classes and workshops, see their website at artvitamin.org or stop by the studio at 129 S. 6th Street.

Cornhole for a cause

Throw some bags this weekend at the Cornhole Tournament at the Varsity Club. The tourney will be held this Saturday and is the inaugural tournament to benefit the Rock Foundation. There is room for 64 two-person teams with two divisions, competitive and social. Registration begins at 10 a.m. and the first toss is at 11 a.m. There will be awesome prizes and a shot at some cold hard cash! There will also be a Bloody Mary bar, hourly drink specials, and food! For more information head to www.957therock.com/show. php?id=625

Hear a young troubadour on the rise

Rachel Davis who has been awarded the Boston Music Award for Best New Singer-Songwriter, and the Grand Prize in the Telluride Bluegrass Festival’s Troubadour Contest will perform on January 29 at the Pump House. With influences ranging from blues to folk, Rachel has a gigantic, soulful, unaffected voice that rocks an audience, whether hearing it live or on one of her four CDs. She has shared the stage with Taj Mahal, Greg Brown, Ralph Stanley, and other living legends of folk and jazz. For ticket information visit www. thepumphouse.org.

See a childrens classic

The Missoula Children’s Theatre are presenting Sleeping Beauty this Saturday with performances running at 2 p.m. and 7 p.m. at the Heider Center For the Arts. With an original adaptation of the classic fairy tale and a week long residency culminates in two public performances starring local children, complete with professionally designed scenery and costumes.

4// January 20, 2011

Second Supper

COMMUNITY

Social Networking

NAME AND AGE:

Rhiannon Gaia Fisher, 27

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Des Moines, IA CURRENT JOB: Stay-at-home babybaker DREAM JOB: Nutritionist or environmental educator, maybe working with bratty teens in wilderness camps (the ones that don't beat them). LAST THING YOU GOOGLED: Pomegranate recipes IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE? Ashland,Oregon or Eureka Springs, Arkansas

WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: Travel, hike, rock climb ...everywhere possible.

WHAT IS YOUR BEVERAGE OF CHOICE? Water CELEBRITY CRUSH: Fiona Apple, Ani Difranco, Bon Iver

WHAT IS YOUR GUILTIEST PLEASURE? I watch Grey's Anatomy. Not religiously. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? Willful ignorance TELL US A JOKE: America's educational system WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Organic deliciousness

WHAT'S IN YOUR POCKET RIGHT NOW?: Nothing. I'm wearing sweats.

IF A GENIE GRANTED YOU ONE WISH, WHAT WOULD YOU ASK FOR? Imminent death for all politicians and corporations FIRST CONCERT YOU WENT TO: It was a festival. I have avoided them since. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF SECOND SUPPER? Getting paid to deliver it, one week. HOW DO YOU KNOW ANDY (LAST WEEK'S INTERVIEW? He came into the porn store where I was working and we started up a conversation. He was new in town so I told him to call me and I would introduce him to some of the sweeter folks in La Crosse. — Compiled by Shuggypop Jackson, shuggypop.jackson@secondsupper.com

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? None. Just got done reading American Gods, though.

Winter Rec-Fest Fun Guide: 25th Anniversary Edition

Winter’s not over yet, and if you haven’t gotten around to enjoying all of your favorite snowy activities by now, then the 25th Annual Winter Rec-Fest is giving you one last chance. “It’s a great opportunity for people to go outside and have fun,” says the city of La Crosse’s recreation coordinator Jared Flick, adding that festival is family friendly and features several new events this year. The festivities commence on January 19 with the start of the traditional Snowflake Medallion Hunt, and end on February 2 with curling at the Green Island Ice Arena. A $2 Winter Rec-Fest button is all you need to get into any of the events, with the exception of a few events having additional fees. The buttons can be purchased at Quillin’s stores, Green Island Ice Arena, City Hall-La Crosse Park and Rec Office, Southside Neighborhood Center and Black River Beach Neighborhood Center.

Saturday, January 22

Winter Fishing Derby Catch-A-Cure Pettibone Lagoon; 9 a.m.

Sunday, January 23

Skate Party Green Island Ice Arena; 5 p.m

Wednesday, January 26

Figure Skating Exhibition Green Island Ice Arena; 6:30 p.m.

Thursday, January 27

Skate, Pass and Score Contest (with the Coulee Region Chill) Green Island Ice Arena; 5:30 p.m.

Friday, January 28 (Family Fun Night)

Torchlight Ski/Hike/Snowshoe; 5 p.m. Snow Sculpture Contest; 5:30 p.m. Lighted Sled Hill 5 p.m. Fireworks Display 7 p.m. Forest Hills Golf Course

Saturday, January 29

Euchre/ Sheepshead Tournament Baus Haus; 8 a.m. Mighty Mites Hockey Jamboree Green Island Ice Arena; 8:30 a.m.

Broomball Tournament Copeland Ice Rink; 9:00 a.m. Co-Rec Snow Volleyball Tournament Alpine Inn, Nutbush City Limits; 9 a.m. One Pitch Snow Softball Tournament Erickson and Green Island; 9 a.m. Flag Football Tournament Powell Park/Weigent Park; 9 a.m. Boys and Girls Basketball Scrimmage Mitchell Hall (UW-L) 9 a.m.- 5 p.m. Snow Disc Golf with Snow Shoes Pettibone Park; 9 a.m.- 1 p.m. Corn Hole Tournament Baus Haus; 5 p.m. (registration)

Sunday, January 30

Hood Park Skate Fun Day Hood Park and Southside Neighborhood Center; 1-4 p.m.

Wednesday, February 2

Curling Green Island Ice Arena; 7:30-10 p.m.

— Jason Crider

Second Supper

January 20, 2011 // 5

COMMUNITY

Reinvestment Act

When the market's down and poverty's up, Larry Kirch plans for growth By Adam Bissen

adam.bissen@secondsupper.com For our third-annual "Predictions Issue," we decided to pick the brain of La Crosse's man with the plans, Larry Kirch, the city's director of planning for the past 17 years. While others are caught in the ups and downs of the economy, it’s Kirch’s job to think long-term and guide La Crosse to a sunnier tomorrow. Kirch is a deep-thinker and a long-talker, and the following is an edited transcript covering the rebirth of La Crosse in 2011 and beyond. Second Supper: When people talk about development in La Crosse, one of the things that always comes up is how we’re boxed in. We have the rivers and the bluffs, which are nice geographically, but they limit where we can build. So being that we don’t have vast rolling plains, how do you plan development in a city like ours? Larry Kirch: Well, most of it is redevelopment. We work on neighborhood revitalization. We have a lot of programs to get people to fix up their homes. Or we’re actually constructing homes with Western Technical College, things like that. In terms of redevelopment sites, we just finished last year acquiring 11 acres along

the Black River, the Petros property that’s part of the 65-acre redevelopment for the Mobile Oil site. The council has some items going this month on a planning process called a charrette and also allowing us to apply for some DNR cleanup grants for Petros. And then, as you might be aware, they tore down 11 acres across from Menards that was the La Crosse Industrial Park. So that’s another redevelopment site. But right now in the market, there’s no lending. There’s no marketplace for a lot of redevelopment projects. We’re just in this tough economic time where it’s good to set the stage for when we come out of this development slump. And we are coming out of it, hopefully. SS: How would you assess the health of downtown? We always see vacancies down there, but there are also new businesses popping up. Plus with the introduction of Grand River Station, is ours a healthy downtown compared to other cities? LK: That’s what we hear. The idea of the transit center, yeah the ground floor is vacant, but you’re building what our consultants would call a catalytic project. You’re building for 75 or 100 years. Yeah, we’re in this downturn in the economy, but that ground floor space isn’t going to stay vacant

forever. I think downtown has been a success. I think we have a downtown that’s unique. It’s genuine. It’s not manufactured. It’s a real city. It’s a real downtown. But there’s always stuff to do and I think everyone’s working together, like with Downtown Mainstreet, trying to get more events. SS: Also in downtown La Crosse, there’s the rising new LHI building, Riverside Center. And then there’s the so-called “Hooter’s parking lot.” What’s going to happen in that area this year? LK: Well, obviously their third building’s going to be done. The ramp is going to be done. But I don’t think anything’s going to happen on that surface parking lot. What could happen? What are logical developments that happen downtown? Could it be another mixed-use? We probably don’t need retail right now, but I could easily see more housing units. The hotels have pretty much said we don’t need any more rooms downtown. I think it would take a little bit more formal study to determine supply and demand, but it kind of relates to the growth of the business of the La Crosse Center, too.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 6

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6// January 20, 2011

COMMUNITY

Kirch Q&A

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 5

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TUESDAYS at 8PM

SS: When you talk about retail in Onalaska, there's the “big box” model, and part of that includes vast fields of parking lots. Does parking, or the perceived lack of it, hinder the development of downtown La Crosse? LK: Well, as is said a lot, having a parking problem downtown is a good thing. It means you have a vibrant downtown. If you want to have a vibrant downtown, you’ve got to have office folks there during the day that can go out and enjoy the river. You got to have promotions, activities events on the river. You’ve got to have people living downtown. You’ve got to have some kind of nightlife, whether it be promotions or events or taverns or whatever it might be, theatre. That’s all part of a mix. You’ve got to have enough there, an agglomeration of activities, that it kind of feeds on itself. SS: So you don’t want the model where people drive in to work and then get on the highway and get out of town back to their houses. LK: Right, you don’t want that model, which is what the 53 freeway did.

ON THE COVER

Riverside Center, a complex that will include a third Logistics Health building and an additional downtown parking ramp, rises on Second and Jay streets.

WEDNESDAYS from 4-11PM

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SS: I want to switch gears now – but I don’t really think it’s switching all that much. I think it’s tied in with everything else we’ve been talking about, where the latest census data said that 25 percent of La Crosse lives below the poverty line. LK: Uh-huh. SS: When those figures came out, did that surprise you? LK: Unfortunately, no. We know, we see, we work in these neighborhoods a lot. But if you looked at those trends, whether they’re on a statewide level or a national level, the poverty rate is going up — whether you’re in La Crosse or Eau Claire or Madison. All over the country the poverty rate is going up, so there seems to be a shrinking middle class. For La Crosse, for this geographic area, we have some of the oldest housing stock. It’s still affordable. People obviously complain about the taxes — and maybe rightly so, because they’re below the poverty line and they can’t afford to pay taxes. But I think that trend has been going on for 20, 30 years. SS: At first I was surprised because I look at the La Crosse area, and it doesn’t seem to be that poor of a region. But then you note that the more affluent people are the ones living in Onalaska, Holmen, Shelby. LK: La Crescent. SS: Right. Can you bring those people back into the city? Is that the way to reverse the

Second Supper

trend? LK: Well, obviously, yeah. If you’re trying to change a statistical number then you need people of wealth to move back into the city. You know it kind of comes back to the beginning of the interview here, where you say La Crosse has been hemmed in by the bluffs and the river and the annexation laws. There’s not a lot we can do to change our topography, our beautiful rivers, our beautiful marshes and wetlands. We know we can’t change those, so do you spend your time and effort on that? I guess to me you should work on the things that you can change. If we want to make La Crosse a place where people want to move, then you have to have the vibrant downtown. You have to create the quality of life where people want to move here. I think we have an outstanding education system, K-12. We’ve got some great private schools. We’ve got three universities. Yeah, a lot of people commute into here, but we should be working on the things that, given the choice, people choose to live here because we are the regional epicenter. We have theatre. We have a vibrant downtown. We’ve got great walking trails. We’ve got 8 miles of bluffland that we’re trying to protect through our bluffland protection program. So you can’t worry about stuff that you can’t control. We just try to make La Crosse the best place we can be, and hopefully people recognize that and want to be here.

Second Supper

January 20, 2011 // 7

ARTS

Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre Medium: Film Love Actually (2003) Director: Richard Curtis Cast: Bill Nighy, Liam Neeson, Alan Rickman Writer: Richard Curtis No, I don’t like romantic comedies, and as a proud adherent of the Drop Dead Fred philosophy of Love Is Dis-Gus-Ting I didn’t expect to like this one when it was enthusiastically pushed upon me years ago. Yet this film, which plays out as a sort of Christmas office party for American recognized British actors, has so many tangled threads that it’s easy to pick out a few favorite moments and ignore the rest. For every lame tale involving a cameraman painfully lusting after Kiera Knightley, a guy hawking his Brit accent for sex in the States, or Laura Linney playing, well, Laura Linney, there are perfectly passable tales featuring Liam Neeson as a widowed stepfather, the decline of a marriage between Alan Rickman and Emma Thompson, and Hugh Grant playing a chronically flustered Prime Minister who lusts after a member of his staff and sings Christmas carols for excited children. But the greatness of Love Actually comes almost entirely from the titanic performance of one man, and that man is Bill Nighy. Though Nighy’s resume shows that the actor is unafraid to take on weird, screwball roles (see: Shawn of the Dead), his portrayal of

washed up pop star Billy Mack in Love Actually may be his screwiest to date. While the rest of the film’s ensemble goes through the usual stages of finding or losing love, Billy Mack can’t be bothered with any of that shit. His purpose in life is to mangle his biggest hit into a Christmas song, repeatedly embarrass himself in its promotion, and somehow get the song to the top of the charts. In this quest, he exposes himself publicly, gives stern advice to the world’s youth about the dangers of paying for drugs, and writes off Britney Spears as being crap in bed. In short, Billy Mack is a man with nothing to lose, and he is utterly amazing in losing it. And yet he provides the film’s most romantic moment — indeed, the most romantic moment I’ve ever seen in film. After bumbling his way to victory, Billy Mack realizes that the love of his life is the chubby manager who has stood by his side through good times and bad, putting up with his prima donna abuse. After awkwardly disclosing this epiphany to his platonic boyfriend, he proposes that they celebrate their totally nonsexual love for one another by getting pissed and watching porn. It’s a moment that would make the devil weep. Billy Mack is the king of romance! We should all follow his shining example. Let’s all get pissed and watch porn!

— Brett Emerson

Medium: Album Stimulus: Liz Phair — Funstyle Anno: 2010

Medium: Album Stimulus: Sweat Boys —EP Anno: 2011 This toe in the water by a group of synth-minded La Crosse goons is a damn good introduction, full of new wave swing which transforms from silly and speedy to romantic and grandiose. The three tracks on this disc remind me a lot of the Human League, bearing a sort of electronic manic depression that loses none of its immediacy by being gloomy. “Sweat Boys” the song begins the disc with a hyper sense of perversion, giving the imagery of two guys getting drunk, pissed off, and oiled up before wrestling in a dark alley. Following this is “See You Dance,” a bouncing story of dancefloor rebound which starts to veer the album toward apocalyptic longing. This mood hits its climax in the striking “Cold War Lovesong,” which soars as it despairs. The work on this EP is excellent, a perfect example of electronic dance music. I do have a very slight complaint that the songs’ production sometimes leaves vocalist Ben Koch’s singing feeling less forceful and a bit secondary to the music. Nonetheless, I cannot wait to hear a full album

Jesus, this album is bitter. When Liz Phair sticks to the actual process of writing songs and making music on Funstyle, it’s a wide array of conventional pop music. There’s little to get excited about, but the album is diverse and slick enough to avoid boredom. The moody electro-piano track, “Bang! Bang!” is Funstyle’s best track, even if it does sound a bit like Sneaker Pimps meets the instrumental side of Nine Inch Nails. Add to this a bonus disc featuring old acoustic recordings (including a memorable tune about the white baby black market), and this might have been a good find. However, this is all torpedoed by the moments in which Phair decides to turn Funstyle into a concept album about getting older and being forgotten by the music industry. A full fourth of the main disc plays like a series of indignant skits, despite the fact that there is music playing in the background and they are technically songs. That these tracks are found on both ends of the album colors the entire album into a hate letter written by a fallen princess. Here’s an idea, applicable here but also to any musician: instead of wasting time whining about how people don’t respect you as an artist, why not shut them up with some convincing evidence? In this case, Funstyle could have been so much better if Phair had simply acted like a musician and controlled her urge to feed the trolls.

— Brett Emerson

The Majak Mixtape By Jonathan Majak jonathan.majak@secondsupper.com Oh Bears and Packers rivalry, how are you doing? According to a lot of our Facebook statuses, you have some sort of game coming up on Sunday. We’re not quite sure since we don’t pay attention to sports unless it involves athletes’ wives/girlfriends/baby mamas on VH-1. As it was explained to us in terms we were sure to understand, the Bears and Packers rivalry is like the sports equivalent of warring fandoms like Stars Wars vs. Star Trek, Rolling Stones vs. the Beatles, Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears. This is the first time the two teams have met in the playoffs since 1941, back in those more genial times when a quarterback had to wait up to a week for a photo of their privates to reach somebody. In honor of this big playoff game, we’ve put together a little “Super Bowl Shuffle”-free mixtape for the occasion for all those sports fans out there. We kick off the mixtape with “Freak Out” from Twin Cities band Tapes ‘n Tapes’ new album “Outside” since a lot of people having been doing just that, freaking the freak out over this match up. It’s created its own Facebook life as groups have sprung up for both sides with such sportsman-like names as “No Eating Cheese for a Week! Support Bears Against the Packers” or “I Love the Packers and Anyone Who Hates the Bears.” Aw, sports and the Internet, two things that consistently bring out the best in people, right? With the Packers and the Bears meet-

ing in Chicago, we figured we might as well highlight one of our favorite Chicago-based artists like rapper Kid Sister, who has a new mixtape album called “Kiss Kiss Kiss.” While Nicki Minaj has steadily become THE lady of female rap of late since Lil’ Kim has spent less time trying to be the face of female rap and more time concentrated on turning her own face into something even LaToya Jackson would could call obscenely unnatural, Kid Sister has always held a special place in our heart with her kooky delivery, her love of “juking,” and the fact she hasn’t been overwhelmed by mentor Kanye West’s ego. That’s a feat bigger than winning the Super Bowl in our opinion. And for a game so big, we have to end the Mixtape with the Grand Daddy of psyche-up tunes to be played while people are getting their tailgating on because shot gunning beer at the crack of dawn is not a sign of a drinking problem IF you’re wearing appropriate fan jersey; it’s just being highly committed to the team. Anyway, we end this Mixtape with “The Jock Jams,” that classic mix of about ten million songs we learned to rollerskate backwards to at High Rollers. And some might cry that it’s more traditionally a song for basketball games and to those we say, “As if your drunk, bratwurst-filled self is going to be able to tell a touchdown from a three-pointer ten minutes into the game.” Buy: The Decemberists’ new album “The King is Dead” YouTube: Best Coast’s new video “Crazy for You” Read: A Heart is a Spade (www.aheartisaspade.com/) From the Majak Mixtape, we wish, as always, love, peace and much downloads in 2011. Get your daily dose of the Majak Mixtape at the Majak Kingdom blog (www.majakkingdom. blogspot.com)

Like to write? Show us your stuff. editor@secondsupper.com

8// January 20, 2011

Second Supper

MUSIC

music directory // January 21 to January 27 FRIDAY,

January 21

Minneapolis

FOX HOLLOW // N3287 HIGHWAY OA. Nick Shattuck (rock & soul) • 9 p.m.

population

THE WAILERS // FEB. 4 First Avenue • $18.75

PIGGY'S BLUES LOUNGE // 501 Front St. S. Annie Mack & the Havenots (blues) • 8 p.m.

THE DECEMBERISTS // FEB. 6 State Theatre • $30

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Natty Nation (Bob Marley Tribute Show) • 10 p.m.

STATE ROOM // 128 N. Third St. Travis Oppelt & Garrett Gilbertson (acoustic) • 6 p.m.

LYLE LOVETT & JOHN HIAT T // FEB. 7 State Theatre • $39.50-$75 La Crosse will be invaded this weekend by Matt Ray and Those Damn Horses. Hailing from Minnesota's Iron Range, this six-piece string band performs a high-energy take on traditional Midwest music. Their latest release is a double album featuring one disc of originals and another of old standards. It's the kind of sound that should fit right at home in La Crosse, which is nice because they're playing two shows while they're in town. On Saturday night the group will be whipping up a frenzy at the Popcorn Tavern with a concert that starts at 10 p.m. The following day the band will perform at the Root Note's Sunday Over Easy series beginning at noon, which sounds like a nice way to soothe a hangover if those damn horses got you the night before.

MY SECOND HOME // 2104 George St. The Trunk Monkeys (rock) • 8 p.m.

THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Trapper Schoepp and the Shades & POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. The Soviet Onion (rock) • 8:30 p.m. Matt Ray & Those Damn Horses (bluegrass) • 10 p.m. THE WAREHOUSE // 324 Pearl St. Destruction of a Rose, Reaping AsRED PINES BAR & GRILL // W7305 Hwy Z modeia, Behind These Eyes, We FolDon D. Harvey (songwriter) • 7:30 p.m. low One, For the Record, Face the RIVER JACK'S //1835 Rose St. Gallows (BRUTALFEST!) • 6 p.m. Rode Hard & Put Up Wet (rock, country) • 8 p.m. THE WATERFRONT TAVERN // 328 Front St. Dan Sebranek (folk) • 8 p.m. THE JOINT // 324 Jay St. The Adam Palm Band (rock) • 10 p.m.

SATURDAY,

January 22

387,970

KELLER WILLIAMS // FEB. 3 The Cabooze • $22

JB'SSPEAKEASY // 717 Rose St. Fuzzy HD, Romero, The Filthy Cheaters (rock, alternative) • 10 p.m.

THE STARLITE LOUNGE // 222 Pearl St. Joe and Vicki Price (blues) • 8 p.m.

just a roadie away

SUNDAY,

January 23

BEST COAST, WAVVES // FEB. 11 Varsity Theatre • $16.50-$18.50 GANG OF FOUR // FEB. 12 First Avenue • $18.75

WEDNESDAY,

January 26

BOOT HILL PUB // 1501 St. Andrew St. Ty Brown (country) • 7:30 p.m.

DEL’S BAR // 229 Third St. Adam Palm (rock star) • 10 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. The Blend (rock) • 10 p.m.

MY SECOND HOME // 2104 George St. Northside Acoustic (open) Jam • 6 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Matt Ray & Those Damn Horses (blue- Paulie (one-man band) • 10 p.m. grass; Sunday Over Easy) • Noon RECOVERY ROOM // 901 7th St. S. Kin Pickin' (open jam) • 10 p.m.

MONDAY,

January 24

January 27

THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Old School Variety Show • 8:30 p.m.

DEL’S BAR // 229 Third St. Open Jam • 10 p.m.

THURSDAY,

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Shawn's Open jam • 10 p.m.

FLIPSIDE PUB AND GRILL // 400 Lang Drive Sellout (‘80s & ‘90s rock) • 8:30 p.m.

THE WAREHOUSE // 324 Pearl St. Farewell to Freeway, Blank Image, Cain & Abel, We Are Legion, Aspyxiator, A Breen Unknown (BRUTALFEST!) • 6 p.m.

DEL’S BAR // 229 Third St. Stacey & Casey (Red Sky Warning) • 10 p.m.

FOX HOLLOW // N3287 HIGHWAY OA. Paxico (rock) • 9 p.m.

THE WATERFRONT TAVERN // 328 Front St. Dan Sebranek (folk) • 8 p.m.

PIGGY'S BLUES LOUNGE // 501 Front St. S. Annie Mack & the Havenots (blues) • 8 p.m.

TREMPEALEAU HOTEL // 150 Main St. Big Daddy Cade (blues) • 7 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Fayme Rochelle and the Waxwings (bluegrass) • 10 p.m.

COACHES // N5833 Hwy. 35 Abbey Lane and the Backbone (rock, blues) • 9 p.m.

TUESDAY,

January 25

THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. 3rd Relation Jazz Trio (jazz) • 8:30 p.m.

POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Nick Shattuck (rock, pop) • 10 p.m. THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Open Mic Night • 8 p.m. THE STARLITE LOUNGE // 222 Pearl St. Kies and Kompanie (jazz) • 5 p.m.

Second Supper

January 20, 2011 // 9

YOUR GUIDE TO CONSUMPTION

The Beer Review Wavehopper Big Bay Brewing Company Shorewood, Wisconsin In this, my first review of 2011, I’d like to raise a toast to Wisconsin’s latest beermaker, the Big Bay Brewing Company of Shorewood. Although the microbrewery only got its license to sell beer in October, it already has wide distribution for two brands: the Boatilla amber ale and the Kölsch-style Wavehopper. That’s not the typical garageup growth pattern common in the craft sector, but the BBBC isn’t your typical microbrewery. While many craft operations are found-

ed by enterprising homebrewers, the Big Bay Brewing Company is the dream of Jeff Garwood, a beer industry veteran with 21 years experience at Miller. When that company recently merged with Coors, Garwood struck out on his own, spent a few years tinkering with recipes and is hitting the markets with silent investors and two drinkable brands. This Wavehopper is an appreciated take on a Kölsch, a once-obscure German beer that is growing in popularity in the states. Supremely light in body with a dry malt flavor and a soft hop kiss, Kölsches are supremely drinkable brews that would be a lot more popular if more people knew about them. As a credit to Garwood’s business savvy, that day could be nearer than you think. Purchase: Six-pack of Wavehopper

from Festival Foods; $7.99 Style: Kölsch ale Strength: 4.8 percent ABV Packaging: The Wavehopper has a classy marine blue and white color scheme with an abstract logo of a speedboat on choppy seas. The Big Bay logo is an even more stylized take on a lighthouse. Excellent branding all around. Appearance: This is one of the lightest looking beers I’ve ever reviewed, paler than apple juice or another yellow liquid I don’t care to mentiont. The head is white and short-lasting. Aroma: Airy with doughy grains and a rather deft blend of old world hops. Taste: This thirst-quenching beer would be better suited for baseball season

The Best Food & Drink Specials in Town

than the NFL playoffs. It splashes the front of the tongue with surprisingly bitter hops then fizzes and finishes on a watery, grassy note. There’s a touch of honey, but unfortunately the metallic aftertaste is stronger. Mouthfeel: Medium bodied — both thicker and harsher than I expected. Drinkability: This is probably the lowest alcohol beer I’ll review all year. It’s drinkabale to a fault, which should appeal to the Miller Lite crowd. Ratings: One person on BeerAvocate graded this a C+, and there weren’t enough reviews on RateBeer to warrant a score. Despite my somewhat harsh review, I’d recommend the Wavehopper and will probably be drinking more once the weather turns. — Adam Bissen

LOCATION

SUNDAY

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

ARENA

Text "Arena" to 83361 for Specials

Texas Hold 'Em Poker

Pool and dart leagues

Wyld Wednesday: $2 jumbo UV mixers, $2 Coronas

Ladies Night: Ladies drink free 9-11 $1 Cherry Bombs, $1 Keystone Light $1 Cherry Bombs, $1 Keystone Light p.m. or all night with $5 wristband, silos silos including all UV Vodkas & XXX; $5 Long island pitchers

$2 BBQ Pork Sliders

2-Fers, Buy any regularly priced food item and get one of equal or lesser value for free

107 3rd St. S. 782-1883, www.arenalax.com

BODEGA BREW PUB 122 4th St. 782-0677

BROTHERS 306 Pearl St. 784-0522

CARLIE'S ON THIRD 115 3rd St. S 782-7550

EAGLES NEST

$2.50 Bud Light bottles, $3 Witches $2.50 Coors vs. Keystone Brew and Scary Shot Specials pitchers. All specials 9 p.m. to close

CLOSED

$5 domestic pitchers

1914 Campbell Road 782-7764

CLOSED

400 Lang Drive 784-2242

HOWIE’S

$2 domestic pints and $2 rail mixers; $1 shots of Doctor (3 flavors); Free Beer & Naked Karaoke @ 9 p.m.

Taco buffet 11-2; $1 Pabst bottles and $1 bowling after 9

All you care to eat pizza buffet, 11-2

All you can eat wings, includes a Wisconsin cheese steak sandwich choice of potatoe, slaw and a frosted with a pint of beer, $8.99 pint, 4-9:30 p.m., $8.99

Ladies Night, $1 off all drinks, 4 to All you can eat boneless wings, inclose; Pint-Aritas $3 (lime or straw- cludes a choice of potatoe, slaw and berry) a frosted pint, 4-9:30 p.m., $8.99

W3923 State Highway 16 786-9000

FLIPSIDE PUB & GRILL

5 domestic taps for $1; $2 domestic pitchers

AUC2D, $5 domestic taps, rail mixers $2.50 Bud Light bottles, $3 Witches $2.50 Bud Light bottles, $3 Witches and Long Islands. Wristband Night: Brew and Scary Shot Specials Brew and Scary Shot Specials $2.50 SoCo & Jack. 50-cent shots (two flavors). All specials 9 to close.

$1.50 domestic taps and rail drinks, Bird Brain Trivia 8 p.m.; $1.50 do- Wing Night - 25-cent wings (dine- $1.50 domestic bottles and rail 4 p.m. to close mestic bottles and rails 4 p.m. to in only); $1 Miller High Life silos and drinks, $2 craft bottles, 4 p.m. to close PBR silos; $1.50 taps and rail drinks; close $2 craft taps. All specials 4 to close.

EATURES

SATURDAY

Fish Tacos: 1 / $2.50, 2 / $5.00, 3 / $6.50.

AUC2D: $5, domestic taps, rail mix- 10-cent wings, $1 Miller High Life ers, Long Islands. All specials 9 p.m. bottles, $1.50 rail mixers; $2.50 call to close drinks. All specials 9 p.m. to close.

CLOSED

FRIDAY

$3 Long Islands; $2 domestic pints; $1 shots of Tequila

$3 Bacardi mixers; $3 Three Olives vocka mixers (8 flavors); $2 domestic pints and $2 rail mixers

Happy Hour: 2 for 1 domestic bottles Karaoke 9 p.m. to close and rail drinks, 3 p.m. to 9 p.m.

All you care to eat fish fry 4-10; un- Prime rib dinner 4-10; limited Glow-N-Bowl $9.99 unlimited Glow-N-Bowl $9.99

Happy hour 4 to 9 p.m.; 9 p.m. to 9 p.m. to close: $3.50 domestic 9 p.m. to close: $1 rails, $2.50 pitch- $5 all you can drink close: Night Before Class - $3 pitch- pitchers ers, beer pong ers of the beast

9 p.m. to close: $1.25 rails, $1.75 bottles/cans

MPULSE

$5 AUC2D wristbands: domestic taps, rail mixers, Long Islands, 9 p.m. to close; live DJ, dancing 9 p.m. to close

Free Wing Night (while supplies last); $5 wristband happy hour, 5 to 9 p.m; $5 AUC2D wristbands: domestic taps, live DJ, dancing 9 p.m. to close rail mixers, Long Islands, 9 p.m. to close; live DJ, dancing 9 p.m. to close

$5 wristband happy hour, 5 to 9 p.m; live DJ, dancing 9 p.m. to close

JB’S SPEAKEASY

$1.75 domestic bottles, $1.75 Dom Monday Madness: $1.75 domestics bottles and rails, $2.50 Bombs and rails, $2.50 Bombs, $1 off all top shelf and specialty beers

Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m.

1125 La Crosse St. 784-7400 214 Main St. 782-6010

717 Rose St. 796-1161

SCHMIDTY’S 3119 State Road 788-5110

SLOOPY'S ALMA MATER 163 Copeland Ave. 785-0245

THE LIBRARY 123 3rd St. 784-8020

TOP SHOTS

$1.79 burger (after 8 p.m.) Breakfast 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Alcohol-free night, 7 p.m. to 2 a.m., for ages 25 and younger; live DJ, dancing, giveaways, AUC2D soda, $10 cover

$5 AUC2D wristbands: domestic taps, rail mixers, Long Islands, 9 p.m. to close; karaoke 9 p.m. to close

Tuesday Boozeday $1 off all liquor Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m. drinks and 50 cents off all shots, $2 Bombs

9 p.m. to close: $2 Captain mixers, $2 bottles/cans, $3 Jager bombs

Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m.

Hat Night: Buy 1 drink, get 1 free w/ Rail drinks $2 (4:30 to close); Buckets of beer $10, Boston Bobby's Margaritas $4 (Straw, rasp, mango, hat (4:30 to close); $1.50 chili dogs After 8 p.m. specials: $5 skewer of drummies 10 for $2 (4:30 to close), peach and reg); After 8 p.m. specials: (after 8 p.m.) shrimp,l $1.79 burger, $1.50 chili dogs $1.79 burger (after 8 p.m.) $5 skewer of shrimp, $1.79 burger

Tacos: $11 buckets during pro and Tacos: $11 buckets during pro and 12-inch pizza $8.99 college football games. college football games. Happy Hour 2 to 6 p.m. Happy Hour 2 to 6 p.m. $1 Taps & Rails during the game ; Wristband night starts at 6 p.m.

14-inch pizza, $2 off; Wings Happy Hour 2 to 6 p.m.

Ladies night, 2 for 1 drinks (6-close), Happy Hour 2 to 6 p.m. Happy Hour 2 to 6 p.m.

Half price tequilla, $1 domestic taps Karaoke, $2 Double rails and all Wristband night, $2 cherry bombs, $3 Bacardi mixers & $4 wristbands and rails bottles; $3 Double call drinks 50¢ shots (3 flavors); $2.50 Tuaca, after midnight Jack Daniel's & SoCo Mixers

9 p.m. to close: $2 Bacardi mixers, $2 domestic pints, $1.50 shots blackberry brandy

Breakfast 8 a.m. to 2 p.m.; lunch buffet 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., $6.99 Tacos: $11 buckets during pro and college football games. $3 Three Olives Mixers & $4 wristbands after midnight

$5 Pitchers/$2 bottles of Miller prod- $1.75 Miller/Bud Light Taps, $2.25 $1.75 Rails, $1.50 Domestic Taps, $2 domestic bottles, $2.50 Skyy/ ucts (11-4pm) $2 Corona Bottles, $2 MIcro/Craft Taps, $2.50 Cherry $3.50 Jager Bombs Absolut mixers, $2 Dr. shots (7-1 Kilo Kai Mixers , $3 Bloodys (7-1 a.m.) Bombs (7-1 a.m.) (7-1 a.m.) a.m.)

5 Domestic Bottles for $10, $5 $2 Captain Mixers, $2. Long Island Micro/Import Bottles $11.50, $7 Mixers, $3 Effen Vodka Mixers (7-1 Micro/Craft Pitchers (7-1 a.m.) a.m.)

$5 Miller/Bud Light Pitchers, $2.25 Leinies Bottles (7-1 a.m.)

POPCORN TAVERN

$2.50 Captain mixers $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

$1.75 PBR Bottles $2.50 Captain mixers $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

$2.50 Captain mixers $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

$2.50 Captain mixers $2 Grain Belt

$2 Coors & Coors Light Bottles, $2.50 $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans Skyy mixers, $2.50 Captain mixers $2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

$2 16oz Old Style & Lost Lake cans

WHO'S ON THIRD

Happy Hour until 10 p.m. $1.50 domestic taps, $2 rails from 10 to close

$1 taps of PBR, $1 rails

$3 call doubles, $2 Bud products

Ladies' Night: $2 top shelf, $1 Pink $8.50 Fish Bowls, $2 Miller products $1 off Three Olives, $2 domestic taps Tacos; Everyone: $2.50 bombs, $2 taps, $3 Jack/Captain doubles

137 4th St. 782-6622 308 4th St. S. 782-9069

126 3rd St. N. 782-9467

10// January 20, 2011

Maze Efflux

Second Supper

DIVERSIONS "Getting Hotter" Step by step, it'll all be gone.

By Erich Boldt By Matt Jones

Reminds you to support the retailers, restaurants, taverns and bands that support us. We are funded solely by advertising so if you want to support us, support them!

CONSCIENTIOUS COMMERCE: Our sources say...yes!

614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601 Phone: (608) 782-7001 Online: secondsupper.com Publisher: Roger Bartel roger.bartel@secondsupper.com Editor in Chief: Adam Bissen adam.bissen@secondsupper.com Student Editor: Emily Faeth emily.faeth@secondsupper.com Sales: Mike Keith mike.keith@secondsupper.com Sales: Michael Butteris michael.butteris@secondsupper.com Regular Contributors: Amy Alkon, Erich Boldt, Nick Cabreza, Mary Catanese, Jason Crider, Ashly Conrad, Brett Emerson, Jake Groteuschen, Shuggypop Jackson, Jonathan Majak, Matt Jones, Briana Rupel, Julie Schneider, Stephanie Schultz, Nate Willer Second Supper is a weekly alternative newspaper published by Bartanese Enterprises LLC, 614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601 Letters are encouraged and can be sent to editor@secondsupper.com.

ACROSS 1 Actress ___ Longoria Parker 4 "I agree with that" 8 Made baby noises 13 Headroom of '80s pop culture 14 Says without doubt 16 Painter Matisse 17 Hoth, in the "Star Wars" universe 19 Very beginning 20 Item in a famous Dali painting 22 Grandmaster's game 25 The White Rabbit's frantic response 26 "___, I tell ya what..." 27 Shorten (a book) 32 Johnson of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" 33 Pervade

35 Come up short 36 Anatomical canals 38 Account that could be abused 41 Pregnancy test, familiarly 44 Before too long 45 Catch a baseball 49 "Lost" actor Daniel ___ Kim 50 Review 53 Batman villain Poison ___ 54 Like many short plays 56 Noodles for poor college students 58 Plane used for short commuter flights, slangily 63 Shire in the "Rocky" movies 64 Sci-fi subgenre featuring Victorian Era

Answers to Dec. 30 puzzle "Flat Tops" â&#x20AC;&#x201D; Making a certain letter less ... pointy

technology 68 Mountain range stats 69 Wilkes-___, PA 70 Homer's barkeep 71 Curvy letters 72 Leader 73 David Sedaris's sister DOWN 1 Radiohead record label 2 Sucker, for short 3 Swung weapon 4 Solidarity co-founder Lech 5 Race track shape 6 Rock musical based on "La Boheme" 7 Three, in Trier 8 Noodle dish 9 Kidney-related 10 Local, as opposed to across borderlines 11 ___ Set (classic toy) 12 Dagwood Bumstead's boss 15 Train stop: abbr. 18 UK leaders 21 Band booking 22 Network that canceled "Cold Case" 23 Tool that helps break ground 24 Radial keratotomy target 28 ___-Ray (disc format) 29 "Arrested Development" actress Portia de ___ 30 "___ Andy Warhol"

31 "Robinson Crusoe" author Daniel 34 Next-to-last Greek letter 37 Super Bowl scores, for short 39 Crude 40 Palindromic Burmese leader 41 One of three for Angelina Jolie 42 How-to booklets 43 Subject of many doctor-related fears 46 Finnish rock band with a "heartagram" logo 47 Many a Monopoly sq. 48 OB/___ (baby doctor) 51 Hgwy. 52 Like some anatomy students 55 Take ___ (go down) 57 Dada artist Jean 59 Major Baroque composer's monogram 60 Sundance Film Festival locale 61 Being nothing more than 62 Prefix for "sailing" 65 John and Samuel's "Pulp Fiction" co-star 66 ___ de guerre 67 Chain dangler ÂŠ2010 Jonesin' Crosswords (editor@ jonesincrosswords. com)

Second Supper

January 20, 2011 // 11

COMMUNITY

Phoenix Rising By Brett Emerson brett.emerson@secondsupper.com Despite being broke, I managed to spend the last month riding parental goodwill throughout the country, attempting to cure my growing insomnia, frustration and sloth. These travels took me through a lot of airports. Luckily, I never got groped by any TSA agents — but I did play Seven Minutes in Heaven with a baggage handler. At least I didn’t have to take my shoes off. My first trip took me to the rocky deserts of Phoenix, where I hung out with my dad and two sisters in the unholy 80 degrees of December. As I flew over the city, I came to a realization that the main difference between Phoenix and the Middle East — both barren, highly conservative regions led by corrupt officials who have at best a heavy dis-

dain for egalitarian human rights — is swimming pools. Maybe I was simply flying over a good neighborhood, but every other house had a backyard that was half turquoise with irrigated water. It got me to thinking: maybe to create peace in the Middle East, we should give the people there swimming pools. I saw a few strange things while in Phoenix that had nothing to do with the local culture: a television remote that had Braille on it, a basketball game on the Cartoon Network, a video of the Metrodome caving in from a Minnesota blizzard. But the strangest thing I saw on this trip was my dad. My old man is a professional gambler, and like all professional gamblers he aspires to be one of two people: Kenny Rogers or Confucius. Like most gamblers, he was never a source of family stability — or anything not resembling sloth — so I found it weird that my old man was now the caretaker of a new puppy that had the horrible name of Baby. Despite having years ago sent me a weird email in which he considered getting some tropical fish to fill some void in his life, this is the first living creature he has been responsible for since my parents got divorced 13 years ago. Surprisingly, he seemed to enjoy the responsibility — though I fear that the dog will get less attention once it gets older and less cute. Odder still was some of the shit that came out of his mouth while I was there.

My dad is one of those strange and outlandish people who doesn’t get how he could have strange and outlandish children (and all three of us are). He derides my warped sense of humor, yet a decade ago called me in the middle of the night, stoned and telling me terrible jokes about cow tits and poor Mexicans. During the brief period I lived with him in Phoenix, he got stoned (again) and started freaking out about how amazing the live-action Flintstones movie was. In another late-night phone call, he told me that he signed me up to be a salesman for some acai berry energy drink because (he said) he thought it was a fantastic product. But no, I’m the weird one. One of the main topics of conversation during this trip was my dad’s shut-in gambler girlfriend, an old oxygen-huffing gold digger who had dated my old man on and off for the better part of a decade. The recent drama involved this prune suckering my dad into buying her a phone, following that up with some ungrateful shit-talking. My sisters and I ganged up on him, ultimately convincing him to get back the phone and kick her to the curb, but he weakly defended his troubled relationship by calling her “the hottest 64-year-old on oxygen.” He followed up that gem by driving one of my sisters and me around town, ultimately taking us to eat at a well known Chinese restaurant he kept mistakenly refer-

ring to as PG Chang’s. On the ride there, he proclaimed his faith in a god of some sort before loudly pondering the possibility of what his life would have been like if he was gay. Um … I guess that since I owe my existence to the fact that he boned my mom, I should say… thanks? He would follow this up by saying that if he had been gay, he would have gone for our slick as oil waiter. After a few drinks, he got weird and started talking about his marriages. Of my sister’s mother, my old man gloated that he had fooled her into thinking that he wasn’t one of the biggest potheads in town, which seemed kind of sketchy to say. Of my own, he bragged: “When we first met, your mom and I had a lot of sex!” It was at this moment when my selfish gratitude for my dad’s heterosexuality began to wane. I like my dad, and we had a good time in total, but it helps if there’s a slight barrier between us. As such, I’m glad I stayed at my local sister’s place, where I slept on her gigantic couch and beat back sleeplessness. And after our time was over, the old man took me to the airport, and after a few days at home, I set out again and exchanged the desert for the snow.

Downtown La Crosse, above Fayzes - 782-6622

top shots joke of the week A Packer fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and asks, "Wanna hear a joke about Bear fans?"

Check out our new Beers on Tap!

The guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6'0" and 200 pounds, and I'm a Bear fan. The guy next to me is 6'2" and 230 pounds, and he's a Bear fan. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'4" and 260 pounds, and he's a Bear fan too. Now do you still want to tell that joke?" The Packer fan says, "Nah, not if I will have to explain it three times."

Good People, Good Drinks, Good Times

SUNDAY

MONDAY TUESDAY

$1.75 - Miller/Bud Taps $5 Pitchers $2 Bottles of Miller Products (11-4 pm) $2.25 Micro/Craft Taps $2.50 Cherry Bombs $2 Corona Bottles (7-1am) $2 Kilo Kai Mixers $3 Bloody’s (7-1am)

$1.75 Rails $1.50 Domestic Taps $3.50 Jager Bombs (7-1am)

$2.00 - 1 Player, $3.00 - 2 Players 50 Cents Off Drinks, $1 Off Pitchers

WEDNESDAY $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Skyy/Absolute Mixers $2 Dr. Shots (7-1am)

THURSDAY FRIDAY 5 Domestic Bottles 4 $10 $5 Micro/Import Bottles $11.50, $7 Micro/Craft Pitchers (7-1am)

$5 Miller Lite/Bud Light Pitchers

SATURDAY $2.25 Leinies Bottles (7-1am)

$2 Captain Mixers $2 Long Islands $3 Effen Vodka Mixers (7-1am)

12// January 20, 2011

THE LAST WORD our marriage. — Strapped

The Advice Goddess By Amy Alkon amy.alkon@secondsupper.com You make loving fund

My wife and I have been married four months after dating a year. Before we married, we agreed (because of our values) that the man pays the daily living expenses (rent/mortgage, bills, taxes, groceries). She said I should never rely on her for money, but said she’d help me if I needed it. I’m buying us a home, and I’m overwhelmed by bills. She wants a $3,000 mattress and a high-end bedroom set, and I asked her to help pay for them. She said she would, but I’d have to pay her back. What? Aren’t a husband and wife supposed to support each other? She works full time as a manager and banks her earnings or spends money on herself. Before we married, we could compromise. Now she cuts me down and wants everything her way. And she could ask me how my day was once in a while. When I mentioned that, she said I was acting like a girl. She’s very beautiful — a former model — but I’ve always told her I love her for who she is, not her beauty. I still love her and don't want to end

Second Supper

Here’s a woman who always has your best interest at heart. In fact, she’s willing to offer you several percentage points less than you’d get at Payday Loans. Four months into wedded bills, uh, bliss, you’re walking around muttering, “Aren’t a husband and wife supposed to support each other?” Well, yes, unless they start their marriage by making other arrangements. Absurdly, you agreed to the family values financial plan — the husband takes care of all the expenses. Typically, the husband does this because the wife is taking care of their home, their dogs, their ferrets, and their three overscheduled children. But, hey, at least your wife’s got your back. Your back pocket, that is — the one where you keep your wallet. What spouses put into a marriage doesn’t always work out to 50/50, but there should at least be the spirit of 50/50. If you saw that in any way from your wife, you might have hope for a loving marriage. What you have instead seems like a marriage made in pragmatism. Chances are, she saw age 40 on final approach and figured she’d better lock in a funding source (you were conveniently located). Chances are, you realized she was out of your league, but figured you could bribe her into marrying you. You perhaps assumed that marriage would inspire her to act wifelike; as in, like a partner not a prostitute with a decorating budget.

You claim you don’t want to end your marriage. You’re probably making a common error in rationality — deciding to continue investing based on how much you’ve already invested instead of on what the future payoffs will be (or, in your case, payouts). You also claim to love your wife — not for her stunning exterior, but for who she is on the inside (um, greedy, selfish, narcissistic, and snippy?). Come on. Surely what you love is preserving your ego — telling yourself whatever it takes to avoid admitting, “Gee, was I ever gullible.” Hey, whatever makes you happy, but it won’t change who you’re with — a woman who sees you as her $chmoopie, her moneybunny, her blank checkiepoo. That aside, you can’t help but admire the lady for being a go-getter (why wait for the divorce to take a guy for all he’s worth?).

five months would find tasty, romantic and sexy. (Don’t bother making dessert. The hospital will give him a fruit cup after he’s deintubated.) What’s actually romantic and special is getting the sense that the person you’re dating gets you — that they’ve been paying attention to what you’re into and even remarks you’ve made in passing. This evening should reflect that, and you should have fun figuring out what, exactly, would surprise, excite and charm the guy. If you’re totally at a loss, pay attention to what he says and does in the future, and for now, do as I do: Come to the door naked with a chicken on a spear. (My UPS man really seems to like that.)

One surprise fits all

I’ve been with my boyfriend five months, and want to make him a romantic dinner. What should I serve? What should I wear? What would make it romantic, fun and special for him? How can I surprise, excite and charm him? — Clueless I find that nothing says “I love you” like a case of anaphylactic shock — when the dinner meant to take a guy’s breath away becomes the dinner that causes him to stop breathing. A severe allergic reaction is the sort of thing that can happen when you ask a total stranger what your boyfriend of

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