'REAL NEWS' INSIDE: EARTH MONTH PLANS • PAGE 8 | PORCUPINE OPENS FOR MEAT PUPPETS • PAGE 12
Pick The Ci’s Best balot | page 6
VOLUME 10, NO. 12
APRIL FOOL'S DAY, 2010
News in Brief
SATIRE THREAT ADVISORY:
SEVERE
Gilbert Brown can't finish Unk's Mess
Gilbert Brown, the 325-pound head coach of the La Crosse Spartans who noshed eponymous quadruple cheeseburgers during his career with the Green Bay Packers, could not finish Unk’s Mess, sources at Marge’s Restaurant reported Sunday. After hearing about a 7-pound skillet served at the Northside café, Brown reportedly “swaggered” into Marge’s at 11 a.m. on Sunday, determined to add his own Polaroid to Marge’s extensive Hall of Shame. “Let’s do this!” Brown reportedly said, before pantomiming his iconic “Gravedigger” with a fork. But after 15 minutes of furious gobbling, Brown’s pace slowed as the mountains of carbohydrates gathered in his digestive track. He continued picking at the Mess for another half-hour but ultimately threw in his napkin after coughing on a sausage link. He was last seen carrying approximately three pounds of the Mess home in a Styrofoam carton. “You La Crosse-ians,” Brown reportedly wheezed. “You’re going to make me dig an early grave.”
Nocturnal Pettibone visitor prevents river drowning Local resident Samuel Vetter alerted authorities of an intoxicated male wearing a backwards baseball cap and baby blue Tapout T-shirt stumbling close to the water's edge in Riverside Park about 3 a.m. Friday. According to police reports, Vetter noticed the the offender from across the river, where he had been loitering in the bushes of Pettibone Park. The sharp-eyed Vetter then alerted the authorities, who arrived to find a 20-year-old urinating off the levy in Riverside Park. "H-h-h-how did you find me," slurred the 20-year-old, whose name is being witheld due to arbitrary newspaper standards. Following the life-saving rescue, La Crosse Police Chief Edward Kondracki issued a press release praising Vetter's heroics. "Due to this local voyeur's selfless commitment to the public good, La Crosse is a much safer place today." Vetter was last seen hopping in a 1998 Toyota with flashing headlights. He has not come forward to claim his medal.
Severe risk of April Fools satire on Pages 1, 3 and 9
Angry moms say 'dam it' PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY JAKE GROTEUSCHEN
Walgreens has solved downtown's retail vacancy problem with its decision to open 35 stores in the area.
35 Walgreens to open in vacant downtown storefronts Citing an untapped market and an abundance of cheap commercial real estate, Walgreens announced plans to open 35 drug stores in downtown La Crosse. Business experts see the move as a direct challenge to Kwik Trip, which operates 71 stores in the immediate La Crosse area. When the new Walgreens open in September, the two convenience behemoths are expected to provide nutritional and hygienic sustenance to approximately 93 percent of La Crosse County. Bill Gladsky, director of business development for the Chicago-based Walgreens, called the 35-store expansion “synergistic enterprise.” With most of the new locations sitting vacant for the past five years, the publicly traded Wallgreens was able to secure the storefronts at bargain basement prices. While some experts considered the 35-store expansion to be excessive, Gladsky said the figure was in line with the company’s policy of “locally rooted hegemony.” “It is part of the Walgreens mission to provide moderate-cost life essentials to every man, woman and domesticated animal on Earth,” Gladsky said. “While some detrac-
tors may question our recent expansion into western Wisconsin, we like to think that they are just Wal-greens with envy. Hey, at least we’re not Walmart!” When asked why the company decided to locate 35 new stores within a half-mile radius, Gladsky said it was just meeting the demand of a market that currently lacks a pharmacy, grocery, optometrist, toy store, newspaper stand, soda jerk, office outlet, camera shop, pet store or reproductive clinic. It also lacks cable television, which is why the company also plans to introduce 35 Red Boxes for mass market DVD rentals. “Sure, some people may look at this expansion as overly ambitious, but we’re just keeping up with the realities of the market. With 30 million new Americans on the health insurance rolls, the profit possibilities are endless,” Gladsky said. In response to the recent expansion by its southern competitor, Kwik Trip officials are reportedly considering constructing new stores in highway medians, city parks and church basements. As of press time, no independent local pharmacists could be reached for comment.
Group offers concrete solution to drownings
Recently formed activist group Mothers Against the Mississippi is proposing a radical idea in the wake of yet another river death. Their proposal: dam the river. “Mothers Against the Mississippi has formed to let the citizens of La Crosse know that we have had enough!” said founder Gail Stromm during a rally Thursday at Riverside Park. “This river has caused too much heartbreak and damage to our fair city. It is far past time that it be removed. Damming the Mississippi is the only way to ensure that the tragedies that claim the lives of our young boys will not be repeated.” Stromm’s proposal calls for the creation of a concrete dam that will span the width of the river. The location has yet to be determined, but the most popular location is said to be at the north ends of Riverside and Pettibone parks. A more radical plan is also making the rounds, which advocates the filling of Lake Itasca, the beginning point of the Mississippi, with concrete. These plans are not without their detractors, some of whom showed up at Thursday’s gathering. Fishermen and conservationists derided the plan’s ecological effects, while the more economically minded viewed the dam’s cost as outweighing its benefits. All opponents of the proposal were agreed on one point, however: Damming the Mississippi River would flood America. Stromm was not discouraged. “We must destroy the Mississippi River,” she shouted over a chorus of cheers and boos, “for our children!”
PLUS: SOCIAL NETWORKING • PAGE 2 | STATE POLITICAL REPORT • PAGE 4 | THE ADVICE GODDESS • PAGE 15