Martin’s Poem Book
by Martin Hollister
Copyright Š 2015 Martin Hollister The rights of Martin Hollister to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electric, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise,except as permitted by the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988, without the prior permission of the publisher. Set in 12/14 Minion Pro by Seemore Graphics Ltd www.seemoregraphics.co.uk ISBN: 978-0-9932 382-0-8 2
Contents This is just a ‘taster’ selection of Martin’s poems. Buy the complete disk which includes all 133 poems, including narration read by the author. Michael 5 The Spider Bath Trap
7
First car
9
Men at home
11
Grahams number
13
The bats and mice wrestling match
15
Rabbits 17 Pencils 19 Arthur the baker
21
Moles 23 The new doctor
25
Night prayer to beasties
27
Crabs are party animals
29
My pigeon pest
31
Short people
33
The yeti and the big foot
35
Garth 37 I love seaside wind farms
39 3
4
Michael Michael the Abominable Snowman has got No Mate in his ‘Icy Cave’ he ponders his Lonely fate. He writes his ‘Love Wishing’ letters to Heart Club Columns and sits alone ALL DAY to plan a HOPEFUL DATE.
5
6
The Spider Bath Trap Please don’t swish the water down upon my head and make me drown. I did not plan to fall in here and welcome any good idea. Don’t despair or die of fright, I wont jump and I won’t bite. All I wish is to be free and pray you’ve courage to handle me.
7
8
First car A first car is a favourite and it never gets forgotten. The squeaky doors, the engine noise and rusty through to rotten. Friends gather round with their old bangers to tinker and to clean. There’s always one that dad had bought, which had a bright new gleam. There is a sort of magic feel about those driving years. Rides out in the countryside, village pubs and beers.
9
10
Men at home Men that live alone face quite a task to keep things tidy and smartly clean. Some men manage very well, fussing hard to make things really gleam. I try my best, but alas I sleep too long in my comfy bed. Men are bears with furniture, I bet you’ve heard it said.
11
12
Grahams number Grahams number is a very big number, the biggest to have a name. It dwarfs a googol and a googolplex time and time again. It’s the kind of number figure to win on a lottery game. Just a joke, this numbers so very big it could make you feel insane. It takes a special person to use this huge, huge number. Perhaps to calculate just how far it is to God’s house, now that sure makes me wonder.
13
14
The bats and mice wrestling match The bats in my attic loft are putting on a sight. They’ve challenged the mice that live there to an all out wrestling fight. Round one of the battle the teams field out their best. Each combatant has a number and an emblem on their vest. The reason for this lofty battle is now becoming clear. It appears the mice have started to encroach on spaces that the bats find rather dear. The winner takes all is not I’m sure the final case. They’ll settle on some boarders so the losers don’t lose face.
15
16
Rabbits A rabbit’s life is full of fun, they eat and play all day. Avoiding farmers’ guns and hungry foxes is the rabbit’s way. A sentry guard keeps them all in sight. In and out of warrens they dart about till night. The evening time for rabbits is very pleasant too. They snuggle and cuddle in their beds having first been to the loo. Rabbits love to make more rabbits, they really are not rare. It’s just as well as farmers try to shoot them and catch them with a snare.
17
18
Pencils Pencils are really smashing things, they never let you down. They don’t leak in your pocket to give your head a frown. H B is my favourite grade, it’s smooth and robust too. Sharpens with a knife, but even a brick will do. They’re light and last and last, corrections are a doddle. I love pencils so very much, pens just write such silly twaddle.
19
20
Arthur the baker Arthur’s a ‘CUP CAKE KING’ and bakes his Delightful creations with PASSION and CARE. Brown Sugar he says is the Key to his SCRUMPTIOUS mixture and you won’t want to SHARE. He calls his cakes ‘FAT BOTTOM SPECIALS’ and warns ALL, EAT THEM IF YOU DARE.
21
22
Moles I hope there is a plan out there to rid ourselves of pesty moles. My gardens full of under ground long tunnels and ugly great holes. I’ve tried to put an end to them time and time again. The cunning little blighters are driving me insane. A solution’s needed urgently, it really is a pain. My next plan is a shotgun, but perhaps I’ll think again.
23
24
The new doctor This ailment I’ve had for years, but never liked to shout. A new doctors at the practice, so I thought I’d try him out. I tell him of my allergies to foods of many kinds. How wheat germ makes me handsome and stimulates my mind. How potato’s makes my feet go flat and always make me swoon. The door latch clicks, I raise my gaze and find he’s left the room.
25
26
Night prayer to beasties Nasty beasties of the night, oh how I’m scared of fright and bite. Will you suck my blood to give me chills, gnaw my ankles till just frills? Wings and things rustle loud and flap, is it mouse or vampire bat. Creepy, crawly, dangly louse, keep out of this, my lovely house
27
28
Crabs are party animals To live beneath the waves is really very neat. We watch the submarines sneak past, driven by nuclear heat. There is a lot of fun down here, we get sent lots of drugs. The cocaine and the heroin we don’t use, we’re not mugs. It’s grass we like, it makes us feel just fine. We smoke it at our beach parties and have a high old time. Crabs normally walk just sideways, but on this stuff it’s great to run in all direction and dance to very late.
29
30
My pigeon pest There’s a pigeon roosting in my tree that coo’s and coo’s all night. I’m so fed up with it that I plan to cause a fright. Perhaps a clanging bell close up to its place of nest. This might just work and at long last I can get some rest. This pigeon’s just determined and really wants to stay. A pigeon pie might have to be the order of the day.
31
32
Short people To pick on us short people is grossly most unfair. It’s folly and it’s just not right to stare. You lot have got it all quite wrong, I’m sure you really know. It isn’t that we have short arses, no, it’s because our knees are low.
33
34
The yeti and the big foot A yeti and a big foot have been great mates for years and have a common love of feeling cold and frigid. Yeti boasted proudly how he likes to frighten people till they’re petrified and rigid. Big foot made a challenge, just a bit of silly fun. The aim’s to see who’s scariest both in the dark and in the sun. They pulled their faces at the locals which soon all ran for cover. Who’s winning was not clear, so they changed the game to first to find a lover. These guys are neither handsome, so this will be a fine task. No cheating was agreed, especially no wearing a cute mask. Big foot won the contest and they both remain good pals. Next year they plan a long holiday together with their new found gals.
35
36
Garth Garth’s a Smashing guy, his Dad’s a Cockerel and’s Out of DEARDRIE the FASHION Duck. He seems to be fitting in quite well, although just a little MUDDLED at times, He’ll be FINE. At school he sits in the Front and LOVES the English Lessons, especially WORDS THAT RHYME. To be a COMEDY Poet is his DEAR passion and it seems he has a real FLARE. His speak has a LILT of CHUCK, with a Hint of SQUALK, It’s winning many Ladies Hearts, they watch him with a LOVING STARE. Who will our Garth HOOK UP WITH, there’s plenty that are VERY KEEN and a Fashion Sense too that makes Him LOVED even more. PLEASE, Oh PRETTY PLEASE Garth, Whoever you choose , let it be a lady with Just TWO legs and DEFINITELY NOT FOUR.
37
38
I love seaside wind farms It’s a bit like TV aerials, the First was thought an ‘Eye Sore’, but they are now never taken to book. Lets have LOTS and LOTS, the BIGGER the better and PLEASE make them QUITE, It will be money well spent no matter how long it took. WHO LOOKS OUT TO SEA for long anyway and in a splendid Sunset their GLINTING Blades will improve a Sunny Outlook
39
Copyright Š 2015 Martin Hollister The rights of Martin Hollister to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. Typeset and produced by Seemore Graphics Ltd. www.seemoregraphics.co.uk Tel: 01425 483299 40