A Personal Story: Anxiety Hits Home
by a local parent
Sitting in the parking lot of our child’s school, I cried so hard it was a struggle to catch my breath. I had been holding it together for 45 minutes and then the dam broke. As my body shook and my heart sank, I called my husband for support. You see, our 11-year-old son refused to get out of the car and go to school. Extremely upset, he was screaming and crying for me to take him home. I would like to say that this was a one-off, an isolated event, but it wasn’t. It was probably day 8 of the 13 days he wouldn’t make it to school that semester. Two years ago, our son, starting 6th grade at a new school, suffered from “school refusal”(1) triggered by academic anxiety. What we went through I don’t wish on any family. I walked around each day with a pit in my stomach. It was so difficult to see my son in pain. Not wanting to get out of bed, he would hide under the covers. One morning our son locked himself in his bedroom and texted me that he wasn’t going to school. My sister, who had come to help, took the doorknob off so we could get to him. While this was an extreme situation, it demonstrates the tough situations we faced. What helped? We worked on educating ourselves and getting our own support. One of the things I faced was that my own anxiety showed up in my parenting which was unhealthy for my kids. I grew up very achievement oriented. I clearly remember receiving my first B in high school. Devastated, I thought I would never get into a good college. While I know this was unhealthy it is so ingrained in me that it is hard not to project that onto my children. I have shared this with my children, explaining that my work is to not let my anxiety show up in my parenting. I want to ensure they understand this is my issue to own, not theirs. We also asked for help from family, friends, and our school. We even had a teacher offer to drive to our house to help get our son to school. We engaged with a professional therapist to help him deal with his fears. One critical instruction the therapist gave us was to “get our son to school.” As much as we wanted to, it was important not to protect him from the fear. This only gave his fears more power. As time went on we slowly saw improvement. I would say after about five months, around the new year, Aidan was able to effectively manage his fears. Fast forward to present day. We are now met daily with our daughter saying, “I can’t go to school. I don’t feel well. My head hurts and my stomach aches.” While we are still uncovering the main triggers, there is some academic, and maybe social, anxiety. Like her brother, this is showing up in sixth grade. We have had to make some hard choices with our daughter. Getting her to school can be very emotionally draining. This time around we are much more educated and have a solid support structure. Has it been uncomfortable sharing our story? Of course. It feels like I am “exposing” our family. I am sharing this because I hope to help you feel not alone and give you some useful insight. I believe strongly that part of the battle is overcoming the fears associated with broaching the subject. The more we talk about it, the more we feel united, the more we learn, and the more help we receive. If I help at least one parent then it is all worth it. And if it is one thing I have learned, people want to help.