Stance for the Family—2011

Stance

For the Family Summer 2011

Stance For the Family

Summer 2011

© 2011 All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America by the Brigham Young University Press.

Front and back cover artwork “Hand in Hand” courtesy of Matthew Scott.

Stance: For the Family is published semiannually. The contents represent the opinions and beliefs of the authors and not necessarily those of the editors, staff, advisors, Brigham Young University, or its sponsoring institution, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While the editors and staff have checked the contents for accuracy, responsibility remains with the authors for content and sources cited within.

A number of articles included in this issue were originally presented at the Stand for the Family Student Symposium and were first published by the Ruth Institute on their website. These articles have been reprinted by permission of the Ruth Institute.

Current students are invited to submit manuscripts as well as any questions or comments via e-mail at sftfjournal@gmail.com.

Realizing Love’s Absence Laura S. Nava

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Barren Alisha Anderson

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Conflict, Transformative Processes, and Father-Adolescent Relationships Brandon McDaniel

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For Mom Cecily Lew

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Supported Kristen Keller

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The Benevolent Mother Kelsey Walker

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Between Two Worlds: Relationships of Hearing Children with their Deaf Parents Corinne Packard Hoskin

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2,358 Minutes Noah Coleman

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Half American Halv Dansk All Fabulous Whitney Olsen

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The Benefits and Detriments of Bed Sharing Britta Brunson

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The Economics of Abortion Nicole Taylor

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We are Widows, We are Women: Indian Widows and a Sense of Self during Social Role Change Suzanne Powell

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From the Editor Every family has some assortment of family photos—the ones that make Mom laugh, the ones that bring tears to Dad’s eyes and a flood of tender memories to a sister’s mind, and the ones that make you wish you were there with your family again. Each photo tells a story about that family, stories of overcoming fears, chasing dreams, living life, and pushing through difficulties. When I look back at old family photos from vacations, celebrations, and bittersweet moments, I can’t help the vivid memories and feelings from coming to mind again.

As I recall everything that my family has been through together, I realize that there are various problems that families face in our communities and neighborhoods. It is so important to be aware of these problems and to know how to help families overcome them, including our own families. In this issue of Stance: For the Family, we share with you several views on family issues and how families have overcome them. Some of the topics include language barriers between family members; children of deaf parents and how they manage their lives; children of divorced parents and how they can keep a healthy relationship with their fathers; the effects of mothers sharing a bed with their infant children; and over idealizing love in a dating relationship.

As you read this issue, I hope that you gain valuable knowledge as I have. Cultivating an awareness of these things can create harmony within the family and ensure that each picture-perfect memory in your photo album is indeed perfect.

Kristen Oaks Managing Editor

Stance For the Family

Academic Advisor Dr. Monte Swain Editor-in-Chief Jonathan J. Reddoch Managing Editor Kristen Oaks Art Director Melissa Kotter Senior Editors Julie Davis Kelsi Walbeck Sarah Owen Associate Editors Jennifer M. Martin Marianne Owen Caitlin Schwanger Assistant Editors Rachel Bailey Whitney Olsen Michaelanne Laurent Dellory Matthews

Realizing Love’s Absence

by Laura S. Nava

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he cultural ideals set for love relationships between men and women appear beautiful and enticing. Thousands of books and movies portray the most exquisite romantic situations. Holidays such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and the pinnacle of all romantic holidays—Valentine’s Day—suggest the absolute importance of romantic love expressions in modern American society. While celebrating love for each other is wonderful in itself, false expectations and affectation of genuine love are a byproduct of the over-romancing tendencies within the culture. Obsession with these idealized romantic expectations, or romance addiction, and lack of consciousness deteriorate the ability to maintain authentic relationships. Solutions are available to those who choose to change—the addiction can be cured.

In her book Escape from Intimacy, Anne Shaef identifies the dangers of romance addiction. In short, romance addiction is a condition that compels the addict to crave romance and its accoutrements to unhealthy levels. A few of the symptoms found commonly in society include being in love with the idea of romance and moving from one “cause” to another. A cause according to Shaef means going above and beyond what is necessary in romantic scenarios.

Moving from one cause to another leads directly into the final symptom of romance addiction—feeling disappointed simply because the setting is not romantic and dreamlike.1 In the end, the romance addict goes from one cause to the next in search of pity and praise but never feels satisfied. Normal life begins to lose its luster.

In the classic film, A Brief Encounter by Noel Coward, the main character Laura exemplifies these manifestations of romance addiction at various points within the story.2 Laura allows herself to slide into an affair due to her lack-luster marriage and the romantic settings of her extramarital escapades.

Near the end of the movie, she appears to break the spell that romance addiction has cast. This movie demonstrates a typical affair showing that ro5

mance addiction gradually leads to detrimental characteristics that may have lasting effects.

The highly problematic nature of romance addiction presents itself in low self-esteem, vagueness (i.e. playing games or being hot and cold), and the ability to create a sense of instant intimacy. These characteristics portray an elegant romantic relationship in movies or books, yet they are undesirable in a real and tangible relationship.3 Low self-esteem can create a person who fishes for compliments. The labels witty and coy mask undesirable vagueness. And let us not forget the love-at-first-sight encounters that are highly celebrated but rarely turn into lasting relationships.

As romance addiction progresses the ugliness of the disease shows itself in the destructive effect it has on a person’s love-relationships. Romance addicts are left with little or no moral substance for them to give in a real love relationship. This leads to the destruction of love relationships between the couple, friends, and family.4 Devaluing the opinions of loved ones and purposefully acting in opposition to them are both signs that an individual is losing touch with reality. The fruit of love includes the gift of yourself—or more specifically your self. Self is the innermost genuine portion of an individual. The cankering of the self, which occurs throughout the stages of love addiction disease, leads to the root of the issue—the inability to give deeply to the love relationship.

Love addiction can be cured through consciousness—being aware of how we affect one another. The gift of real love is manifest in day-to-day caring and sacrifice, not in a box of chocolates or a vase on holidays. The book We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love by Robert Johnson delves into the details of how men and women have come to a state of ignorance to self. The book shows that such ignorance creates significant personal and cultural dilemmas. In order to give of one’s self, a person must have the ability to understand and share what they have to offer.

Johnson also exposes the common practice of blaming other people in relationships and the unhealthy emotional environment it creates. “Usually, we blame other people for failing us; it doesn’t occur to us that perhaps it is we who need to change our own unconscious attitudes—the expectations and demands we impose on our relationships and on other people.”5 These unrealistic expectations justify unhappiness, oftentimes leading to the dissolution of a love relationship. Gaining an awareness of and taking responsibility for one’s self creates a more successful love pattern to follow than the romantic ideal of being saved from reality by one’s true love. Remember—every individual has a valid and valuable self to offer. As we come to know our own limitations we won’t set expectations of others that they can’t meet.

Romantic expectations tend to push out rational thinking, which undermines the process of recognizing self and relating to others as equals to our self. Consciousness of self becomes integral to finding and maintaining genuinely loving relationships. “Ultimately, the only enduring relationships will be between couples who consent to see each other as ordinary, imperfect people 6­

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and who love each other without illusion and without inflated expectations.”6 As individuals, we set realistic expectations for ourselves and recognize our personal limitations. If this is acceptable for the individual self, the question to answer is: why would the same practice not suffice for someone who we profess to love? Deeply caring relationships cannot exist if we continually place divine expectations on regular human beings. As we reject the hero and love goddess fantasies, reality allows a practical version of love to exist.

Placing ourselves in the mindset of reality can result in change. As with any other addictions, the addiction of divine expectations must be identified, accepted, and proactively eradicated from daily life. This process is, and always will be, a hard thing to accomplish, yet it is where solutions flourish.

One of the first steps to eradication is acknowledging that you have a problem.

Awareness is the key to finding help. Sometimes help comes in the form of self-education and goal setting. In other cases, helping yourself means seeking professional, psychological intervention. Whether you choose the former, the latter, or somewhere in between—the outcome of a healthier outlook on love will be worth the work.

Love is an integral part of everyone’s lives. Actively partaking of its happy effects is contingent on the ability to take responsibility for self and allow others the same opportunity. The unrealistic expectations of romanticism reject the self and thereby create a negative environment where love will not survive.

The skills to engage in genuine love do not come easily in our romantically charged society, but learning how to find the appropriate balance of romance is achievable. The first steps to the process of giving and receiving genuine love are recognizing and then rejecting the pervasive nature of romance and its demands. As a culture we love love. Let’s keep it alive by keeping it real.

Endnotes 1. Anne Wilson Schaef, Escape from Intimacy (San Francisco, CA: HarperCollins, 1989), 47.

2. Noel Coward, A Brief Encounter (Universal, 1946).

3. Schaef, Escape from, 48.

4. Ibid, 49.

5. Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love (San Francisco, CA: Harper and Row, 1983), xii.

6. Ibid, 110.

Realizing Love’s Absence

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Barren

by Alisha Anderson When we talk about families, we often speak of them as if they are a sure part of everyone’s life—as if no matter what, marriage and children will be given to us. Yet, the scriptures are replete with examples of faithful saints who waited and waited for children. This painting is a tribute to my parents and all those with the righteous desire for posterity.

My parents waited many years for children and were blessed with just a few, but how they cherish those few! This oil painting represents a couple who, amidst the fertility or greenery around them, show no signs of fruitfulness. So, they wait. Yet, they stand firm and immovable, rooted in a secure foundation.

The clear blue sky that parts the haze represents their hope in the promises made to them.

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Conflict, Transformative Processes, and Father-Adolescent Relationships

by Brandon McDaniel

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ost research about marriage focuses on marital conflict and the negative effect that it has on families.1 Such research shows that low marital satisfaction, emotional distance between spouses, and high marital conflict undermine father involvement by increasing risk for divorce,2 lowering parenting quality,3 and decreasing child adjustment.4 While this is discouraging to say the least, Victor B. Cline,5 a general authority of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, has explained the transformative processes that can reverse the effects of marital conflict. In Cline’s words: “Sometimes couples allow bitterness, anger, and despair to eat at their relationship, but real commitment to each other and to Heavenly Father’s plan can bring a beautiful change.”6 To put Cline’s transformative processes into the proper perspective it is helpful to first understand the effect that marital conflict has on the fatheradolescent relationship. Researchers Davies, Sturge-Apple, Woitach, and Cummings7 have shown that interparental conflict (e.g. marital arguments and fights) predict parenting difficulties and insensitivity to children and adolescents. This is especially true of fathers who feel more emotionally distant from their spouses and less able to depend on them. Davies and his associates also point out the problems parental conflict creates in father-child or fatheradolescent relationships. One explanation, the spillover hypothesis, states that the conflict a father experiences in his marriage will “spillover” into his other relationships. Another probable explanation is maternal gatekeeping. This conflict centers around the idea that fathers are less involved with their children because marital conflict makes wives reluctant to work with their husbands in the caregiving relationship.

Understanding the effects of conflict that occur between a father and his children is another important prerequisite for putting Cline’s transformative 11

processes into perspective. Steinberg and Silk state that rearing adolescent children involves a renegotiation of behaviors and roles within the family.8 When interviewing two different fathers, I found this to be one of the main problems that they faced in their parenting. At different times, the fathers found themselves and their rules at odds with their autonomy-seeking adolescents. Arguments often resulted. Rather than “fixing” the problem, these arguments generally increased the emotional distance between the fathers and their children.

Although there are many factors that can produce destructive conflict in family relationships, the outcomes do not always have to be negative. Certain martial processes serve to strengthen family relationships in spite of threatening conflicts. One such process is forgiveness. As mentioned previously, interparental conflict predicts the quality of the marital relationship which in turn can “spillover” into the father-child relationship. In order to prevent negative “spillover” into the father-child relationship, it is crucial that spouses utilize transformative processes such as forgiveness, which has the power to soften hearts and rebuild or further strengthen relationships between spouses.9 Research further supports that parental forgiveness leads to improved feelings between spouses, better quality of relationships, more expressiveness, less family conflict, and more family cohesiveness.10 In other words, parents who forgive one another are more likely to create a better home environment and have better relationships with their children.

In my interviews with two fathers, each consistently mentioned forgiveness as the key to a happy and healthy relationship with his adolescents. They noted that this includes both asking for forgiveness when they make mistakes in their fathering and also forgiving their adolescents when their adolescents have made a poor decision. One father illustrated this point when he stated, “I fathered my youngest differently than I did my other three because by that time I had learned how to be a better father. I had realized that I was not a perfect father and that, yes, I could be wrong! My youngest boy knew that I was willing to rebuild the relationship. We have a much stronger relationship even to this day.”11 When the magazine Parents asked Chris Erskine about his successful family life, Erskine attributed the success to a “forgiving spirit” that permeates his home. He said that as a result of this “forgiving spirit” each member of the family is willing to realize that he or she is not perfect and that “not-so-amazing moments” will inevitably come.12 The website SIMPLEkids.net writes that parents tend to perceive ways that they have been wronged by their children.13 But when parents are willing to acknowledge their imperfections—“both confessing [the] wrong and seeking forgiveness”—they “inspire a spirit of mercy and forgiveness.”14 This restores parent-child relationships.15 The website additionally writes that when fathers adopt an attitude of forgiveness toward their children they foster a greater likelihood of adolescents being willing to forgive their fathers.16 Thus, forgiveness becomes a positive and reinforcing cycle in father-adolescent relationships.

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In order for this cycle to begin, however, parents must choose their words with great care. Bell, author of Lessons in Lifemanship, states that parents should be careful in how they use apologetic words when asking for forgiveness.17 Many phrases have become so common in our everyday lives that they are almost meaningless, especially on serious occasions. For instance, many of us say “I am sorry” and “I apologize” out of habit when we bump into someone. A father that is apologizing to his children should avoid such generic language. It would be more effective for a father to say something such as, “I know I hurt your feelings last night with the things I said about you going to prom. I am truly sorry. Please forgive me.” This is more effective because the father is not trying to blame or belittle. In a sense, fathers should treat the relationship as more important than the issue.

Although much of the research on transformative processes in families has focused on forgiveness, sacrifice is also one of these processes. Stanley, Whitton, Sadberry, Clements, and Markman state that couples who are more willing to sacrifice are more likely to remain satisfied with their relationships over time.18 They realize that the relationship can be fulfilling, even when they sacrifice their own self-interest at times. This willingness to set aside one’s own interest and sacrifice for the wants and needs of one’s partner can create a more loving home and atmosphere for children as well. It is very likely that when children see the willingness of their father to sacrifice for their mother they will feel that their father would also sacrifice his time, energy, and talents for them.

Additionally, researchers Van Lange and associates (1997) found that willingness to sacrifice strengthens a couple’s commitment and functioning in their marital relationship.19 As mentioned earlier, improved marital relationship leads to better father-adolescent relationships. Thus, when a father is willing to sacrifice for a spouse it will indirectly improve his relationship with his children simply because he has strengthened his marital relationship.

According to scholarly research, marital and parent-child relationships are also transformed through religious activity. Religious activity and prayer specifically have been linked to more committed and satisfying marriages and more emotional engagement with children.20 In 1993, Cline wrote an article entitled Healing Wounds in Marriage. As a family counselor, Victor Cline had worked with many different couples who were suffering from a variety of problems. His article is very clear on what will transform marital and parentchild relationships: “real commitment to each other and to Heavenly Father’s plan.”21 Cline highlights forgiveness and sacrifice as part of real commitment.

Thus, as these sources suggest, increased commitment to a higher being correlates with increased commitment to marriage and family.

In his article, Cline calls marriage a “creative challenge.”22 The challenge results from the dramatic differences that husbands, wives, and children face “in their biology, family backgrounds, socializing experiences, hormones, role assignments, attitudes, and maturity levels.”23 To build strong relationships with all of these differences, families must develop enduring love—meaning Conflict, Transformative Processes, and Father-Adolescent Relationships

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they must be humble, willing to sacrifice and forgive, and willing to develop these processes over time. Cline states that “the love that supersedes [all these differences] must be based on years of trust, emotional attraction, plus hope and high expectation for the future.”24 In other words, both spouses must be “committed to preserving and enhancing their partnership.”25 Cline instructs parents on how to break down the walls of bitterness that they may have erected by past mistakes in their parenting. Cline includes a few important items: (1) Parents must use positive affirmation, in which they strive to notice the good things that their children do, instead of focusing on correcting the bad. (2) Parents should use ‘I’ messages instead of ‘you’ messages. For instance, a father could say, “I feel frustrated,” instead of “Why do you always do this to me?” This keeps communication from turning into confrontation.

(3) Parents and children should be willing to use time-outs—brief interludes away from one another and the discussion—if either feels threatened, uncomfortable, or angry. Time-outs give each individual time to think and cool down. (4) Parents should focus on friendship, meaning they should be willing to sacrifice for their children and also be open to listening to their point of view; they become their children’s friend and confidant. Finally, (5) parents should be open, willing to change, and flexible. Many times, there is more than one way to do something, and children need to feel that their thoughts and opinions are important to their parents. As these five points show, parents are not slave to the conflict that arises in their marriage or in their interactions with their children. Rather, by actively strengthening and protecting their relationship with their children, parents have the ability to not only reverse the effects of conflict, but to also prevent the conflict from arising.

There are many facets to family relationships. Differences between family members often lead to disagreements, conflicts, and even dissolution. However, there are specific marital processes in which fathers can engage that can protect and heal father-adolescent relationships. These transformative processes include forgiveness, sacrifice, and commitment. Although conflict between spouses or fathers and children can create emotional distance and other negative outcomes, fathers who engage in these transformative processes are more likely to have higher quality relationships with their adolescents—including more expressiveness, less family conflict, and more family cohesiveness.

Endnotes 1. F.D. Fincham, S. M. Stanley, & S. R. H. Beach,“Transformative processes marriage: An analysis of emerging trends” Journal of Marriage and Family 69 (2007): 275–292.

2. M. L. Clements, S. M. Stanley, & H. J. Markman,“Before they said ‘I do:’ Discriminating among marital outcomes over 13 years based on premarital data,” Journal of Marriage and Family 66, (2004): 613–626.

3. Erel, & B. Burman, “Interrelatedness of marital relations and parent-child relations: A metaanalytic review,” Psychological Bulletin 118, (1995): 108–132.

4. J.H. Grych, & F.D. Fincham, (Eds.). Inter-parental conflict and child development: Theory, research, and applications (New York: Cambridge University Press, 2001)

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5. V. Cline, “Healing wounds in marriage,” Ensign, 16. Retrieved February 15, 2010 from http://lds.org/ensign/1993/07/healing-wounds-in-marriage?lang=eng.

6. Ibid., 16 7. P. Davies, M. Sturge-Apple, M. Woitach, & E. Cummings, “A process analysis of the transmission of distress from inter-parental conflict to parenting: Adult relationship security as an explanatory mechanism,” Developmental Psychology 45, (2009): 1761–1773.

8. L. Steinberg & J.S. Silk, Parenting adolescents. In M. H. Bornstein (Ed.), Handbook of parenting: Vol. 1. Children and parenting (2nd ed., 2002): 103–134.

9. V. Cline, “Healing wounds in marriage,” 16.

10. G. Maio, G.Thomas, F. Fincham, & K. Carnelley, “Unraveling the role of forgiveness in family relationships,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 94, (2008): 307–319.

11. Don McDaniel, personal communication, February 18, 2010 12. B. Ransome, “Fathers’ perspectives: Writer talks about ‘Man of the House,’”Parents, (2004) 80, 48.

13. Megan “The power of seeking our children’s forgiveness.,” 2009, Retrieved 15 February, 2010, from SIMPLEkids website: http://simplekids.net/the-power-of-seeking-our-childrensforgiveness/.

14. Ibid., 1 15. Ibid., 2 16. F. Paleari, C. Regalia, & F. Fincham, Adolescents’ willingness to forgive their parents: An empirical model. Parenting: Science and Practice, 3, (2003) 155–174.

17. B. Bell, Lessons in Lifemanship (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2008).

18. Stanley, S., Whitton, S., Sadberry, S., Clements, M., & Markman, H. “Sacrifice as a Predictor of Marital Outcomes,” Family Process 45, (2006): 289–303.

19. P. Van Lange, C. Rusbult, S. Drigotas, X. Arriaga, B. Witcher,, & C. Cox, “Willingness to sacrifice in close relationships,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 72, (1997): 1373–1395.

20. S. Stanley, S. Whitton, S. Sadberry, M. Clements, & H. Markman, “Sacrifice as a Predictor of Marital Outcomes,” Family Process 45, (2006): 289–303.

21. W.B. Wilcox, Soft patriarchs, new men: How Christianity shapes fathers and husbands. (Chicago: University of Chicago Press 2003).

22. W.B. Wilcox, & S. Nock, “What’s love got to do with it? Equality, equity, commitment and women’s marital quality,” Social Forces 84, (2006): 1321–1345.

23. V. Cline, “Healing wounds in marriage,” 16.

24. Ibid.,16.

25. Ibid.,16.

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For Mom

by Cecily Lew

And I lay there and listened That easy kind of listening Like when you read to us each night Those cool summer nights The wind slapped our blinds against the window And we shivered under our blankets But it was never too cold for ice-cream And so the blinds tapped to the beat of your story-telling voice When your words are smooth And you get louder or softer at all the right parts And when our bowls were empty We fought fluttering eyelids And swore we were still awake To hear how Bilbo escaped the dragon How Aslan was resurrected How the Goose Girl spoke to animals Or how the ogre got her prince And there were other nights too When it was clearly time for bed But you let me add just one more log to the dying fire And you sat down to play piano Sometimes I sat with you to sing along But other times I’d lay by the flames Watching your expert fingers glide off the keys That is where your hands were most at home Trained to feel out every note Weaving a blanket of harmony Covering us both

For Mom

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Supported

by Kristen Keller

I was very excited for the opportunity to create an artwork based on the family. For this specific piece, I wanted to be very simple and to the point. I didn’t add facial features or many personal attributes in order to portray this family as a general definition rather than a specific family. This piece emphasizes the need a child has for parents. It is a very literal representation of how a child may fall without the support of parents. This child is supported, as all children should be.

As well as the literal representation of the family, I included some symbolic representations. The first is the tree in the bottom corner, a common family symbol. Another symbol is the sun. There are three layers that represent the three kingdoms of glory and the Plan of Salvation. This same idea is represented in the three black lines at the bottom of the pieces. They vary in size, with the Celestial on top. This piece is completely about the importance of family and its role in our eternal happiness.

Supported

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The Benevolent Mother

by Kelsey Walker

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hroughout the ages of time and shifting societal circumstances, there has been one element of life so precious and essential that it has often been taken for granted due to its consistency and ever-present nature. This purest of ideas is so vital that without it, civilization itself would crumble. The artist’s brush has depicted its themes throughout the centuries in hopes of capturing its magic and meaning; many depictions have expressed its evolution and also its enduring essence, yet none seems to do so perfectly—it is the ever-present love of mothers.

Society has valued and relied on the benevolence of loyal and nurturing mothers amid changes in female roles over time. Television shows and movies from each decade show mothers consoling, advising, teaching, or busying themselves with tasks such as driving to soccer practice, packing sack lunches, or attempting to undo the mistakes of clueless adolescents. Classical examples also prove this cultural theme of benevolent mothers. Two artistic representations of this motif are Sandro Botticelli’s Virgin Adoring the Sleeping Christ Child1 and Mary Cassatt’s Breakfast in Bed.2 While these two paintings differ in their background, time period, and circumstance, both imply the eternal message that the simple presence of a mother conveys compassion, diligence, protection, and love.

Sandra Botticelli’s tempera painting entitled Virgin Adoring the Sleeping Christ Child (see Figure 1) was completed in 1490 during the Italian Renaissance. It is a loving expression of perhaps the most prominent mother to ever walk the earth, along with the beloved Christ child. The virgin Mary, adorned in soft, red and blue robes, is portrayed in the nurturing manner in which she is usually depicted. With her hands pressed in a prayer over her sleeping child and a halo adorning her head, there is no question in the viewer’s mind that she possesses the virtue of benevolence. Characteristic of the tempera medium, the painting has a thin, semi-opaque finish. A light transparent veil covering Mary’s head and the smooth lines of her features allude to her gentle demeanor. The somber pout of her lips suggests the knowledge she possesses that this 21

precious child will not always be safe in her care. Mary is leaning over her infant, a symbol of her protective nature. The Christ child is sleeping (a possible foreshadowing of His crucifixion), yet His hand is placed over His heart in a gentle caress, as if to illustrate His omniscient knowledge of His mother’s fears and also His love and concern for her. The enclosed rose garden further reflects the Virgin, as symbolized in the Old Testament.3

Figure 1

Mary Cassatt’s impressionist-style painting Breakfast in Bed (see Figure 2) was completed in 1897 and portrays a somewhat different encounter of a mother and child. Thick, wistful brushstrokes give the painting a soft, but slightly rushed feeling. Although the mother and child are in bed, there is a sense of action in the diagonals and the composition of the figures. The child is red-faced, with tousled curls that express a sense of jovialness. Her active posture shows her eagerness to run and play. In contrast, the mother looks wistfully into the distance, as though she is too tired to face another day. Her cheeks, like her daughter’s, are red, but from a different lifestyle of activity: one that is endlessly selfless rather than simply pleasurable. The title of the work, as well as the teacup on the nightstand, convey the reality of another busy day with only enough time and energy for breakfast in bed—the beginning of a day that promises to leave the mother thouroughly exhausted once again. She is holding onto her child, an act that symbolizes her unwavering protection of her little girl. Although she is worn out and perhaps distracted, her love is unrestrained.

Her mind may be somewhere else, but her hold is firmly on her priority—her child. Her faraway look may also represent not merely a distracted gaze, but perhaps a broader perspective of life and hope for her little one.

Despite the four-hundred year gap between these two paintings, the enduring theme in both Botticelli’s and Cassatt’s works is that of the benevolent mother. The love each mother has for her child is evident, as portrayed by the Virgin’s somber bow over the Christ child and the way the mother in Cassatt’s painting firmly yet affectionately holds onto her energetic toddler. Despite the 22 ­

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Figure 2

presence of love, there is an element of lamentation in each painting: an eventual “letting go” will take place within the context of both works. Mary will not always be able to protect her sleeping child; He will inevitably face persecution and bitterness during His short lifetime. Although on a smaller-scaled context, the Breakfast in Bed mother, like all wise mothers, cautiously anticipates not only the dangers that may face a lively toddler but also the lifetime of storms and sorrows that she will face after leaving her mother’s arms. This element of motherhood, a theme that endures through the ages, is a complex interaction of the deepest joyful love for one’s child and a reluctant anticipation to eventually let that child go, in order to fulfill the greater good.

In addition to the similarities between these two paintings, there are several differences that allude to the historical aspects of mothers and women during their respective periods. Botticelli’s painting, emerging in the late fifteenth century, was established into a category of ideal motherhood, reflected in what has been deemed the Cult of the Virgin Mary. Viewed as the perfect mother, Mary is portrayed as idyllic in comparison to the typically busy and distracted mother. In fifteenth-century Europe “children were often perceived in terms of economic use, and mothers were not expected to care for their children, love them equally, or mourn their deaths. Upper-class European women deemed breastfeeding disgusting and immodest; wet nurses were often employed so mothers could enjoy their social and intellectual pursuits.”4 The idea of motherhood as a fundamental aspect of family and society had not yet emerged at that time; the maternal eloquence expressed in Botticelli’s work is clearly that of the idyllic mother—a mother that was unlikely found in the average household.

In subsequent centuries, childhood emerged as a special time of life and thus motherhood emerged as a definitive role for women. Three aspects of society led to the formation of what is viewed today as the role of mothers; these included influences of work, politics, and religion. During the Industrial Revolution, men and women had distinct roles. While men worked to provide The Benevolent Mother

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for the family, women were expected to stay at home, teach their children, and attend to their needs. Politically, women became involved in the moral development of society, during the American Revolution. With the spread of Protestant ideas, views of religion came to include personal and more familycentered ideas than previous worship traditions of high-church Catholicism.

All of these factors contributed to women becoming more involved in the moral and religious upbringing of their children. Prior to Cassatt’s painting, perfection was expected of mothers—an idea largely promoted by the Victorian Age. At that time, society pressured women to rear perfect children in an attempt to create a perfect society. With this background in mind, the mother’s weary expression in Breakfast in Bed takes on new meaning. Later, it became more common for women to enter the workforce in an effort to support their families. Many women became overworked with the pressures of balancing the life of a working-class employee with the life of a domestic housekeeper. Thus in contrast to the idyllic Virgin, Cassatt’s mother and child reflect a realistic view of maternal roles in late nineteenth-century America.

The enduring theme of both Botticelli’s Virgin Adoring the Sleeping Christ Child and Cassatt’s Breakfast in Bed is that of the benevolent, loving, and nurturing mother. Although the earlier painting portrays an idyllic, rather than a realistic, mother-child relationship, it is indicative of the value society placed on the benevolent mother—even if mothers did not always live up to that ideal. Despite the different societal circumstances of each painting, love, protectiveness, and concern are present in both. Mothers are essential, and artists have depicted this motif even at times when it may not have been socially acceptable or perfectly performed. The benevolent mother is an eternal necessity, captured in the faces of these two classical paintings.

Endnotes 1. Sandro Botticelli, Virgin Adoring the Sleeping Christ Child, National Gallery of Scotland, 1490.

2. Mary Cassatt, Breakfast in Bed, Huntingon Library and Art Collection, 1897.

3. Sandro Botticelli, “Virgin Adoring the Sleeping Christ Child,” National Galleries of Scotland, accessed 28 October 2009, <http://www.nationalgalleries.org/collection/online_az/4:322/res ult/0/57676?initial=B&artistId=6172&artistName=Sandro%20Botticelli&submit=1> 4. Alanna Muniz, “Social Institution of Motherhood: A Brief Historical Overview of Mothering Practices and Ideologies,” Suite101, 15 August 2008, accessed 28 October 2009, < http:// www.suite101.com/content/social-institution-of-motherhood-a64879 >

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Stance: For the Family

Between Two Worlds: Relationships of Hearing Children with their Deaf Parents

by Corinne Packard Hoskin

H

earing children of deaf parents possess relationships with their parents that reveal much about the way they situate themselves between two cultures: the Hearing and the Deaf cultures.1 I assert that despite the innate differences of language and culture, hearing children of deaf parents accept deafness as an integral part of their identity, as clearly illustrated through their relationship with them.

Hearing children of deaf parents have their own separate dynamic because of the “in-between” status they possess; these children literally straddle two different cultures and worlds in both the ordinary and extenuating circumstances of daily life. Bull concedes that hearing children with deaf parents cannot completely associate themselves with either natal culture—despite the fact that the deaf and hearing are “inextricably woven together.”2 Due to the simple fact that hearing children of deaf parents must live between two cultures, they continually adjust their behavior to meet the cultural norms and requirements of whatever situation they must address. These children exist betwixt culture and family.3 Often the child’s label as a “go-between” within the family continues throughout the child’s life.4 A more familiar term, CODA, or children of deaf adults, can refer to this population; however, not all hearing children of deaf parents appreciate the affiliation with CODA. Therefore, I opt for another term, “HCDP,” or hearing children of deaf parents. This moniker enables me to refer to the population of discussion without creating confusion with the CODA organization. All HCDPs acquire cultural qualities from their parents ascribing to Deaf culture.

Deaf Qualities Numerous behavioral differences exist between hearing and deaf people; some of the subtle distinctions between hearing and deaf include the length of eye contact held during a conversation and the use of exaggerated expressions.

Sign language uses facial expressions, particularly the expressions of the mouth 25

(i.e., closed, pursed, open, dropped jaw, etc.) to communicate the correct idea. These types of expressions occur dramatically within Deaf culture. Sue, a young, hearing woman independent of her deaf parents, became aware of the effect that Deaf culture, taught through her parents, has had on her life: I, as a teenager, would get into so much trouble for being so rude and saying rude things and being so loud . . . . So deaf people tend to be loud because they don’t hear themselves, they tend to be blunt, and not in a rude way, it is not rude in Deaf culture. It is rude in Hearing culture, but in Deafness it is not.5 Clearly, hearing children who grow up with deaf parents have a greater tendency to encapsulate qualities characteristic of Deaf culture. These attributes, as observed through the way HCDPs interact with their parents, resonate with the acceptance of both worlds.

Despite moving back and forth between cultures, HCDPs often do not realize that they experienced a childhood any different from their hearing peers until they reach adulthood. Bishop and Hicks argue that “. . . the Deaf culture differs from the Hearing culture [in that] hearing children do not see themselves as different from their parents (or deaf siblings in some cases) until they become older.”6 For many HCDPs, the realization of experiencing a different childhood comes through several mediums including cultural organizations and academic cultural courses. Sue commented on her experience in a Deaf culture course that she translated for in college: “The only time I ever questioned it was before I had my Deaf culture class because people, knowledgeable people, would ask me something similar [wondering if I identified as a culturally deaf person]. And I would be like, ‘no. I don’t have a lot of deafness in me’ . . . but that class really changed my life.”7 It was during her time in this course that Sue realized a lot about her cultural identity. For the first time, she noticed the major influence deafness played in her identity despite her ability to function traditionally in the Hearing world. Without question, the qualities HCDPs obtain from Deaf culture come from the relationships that they have with their parents.

Parent-child Relationships Normal childhood difficulties influence the relationships that HCDPs have with their parents. Deaf parents must be close to their children at all times in case their children need assistance; children cannot simply yell for their parents’ assistance as they do in hearing homes because their parents will not respond. I was able to be a witness to a situation like this with a family I was living with.

Bryce, a four-year-old hearing boy, became stuck in a basement closet while looking for some toys. Unable to free himself, he responded by banging on the closet door and yelling for his grandmother, JoAnne. JoAnne was deaf and could not hear Bryce’s calls for help; however, she soon noticed that he had not turned up in a while. Eventually, she walked to the top of the stairs and called for Bryce, 26 ­

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hoping he would appear at the bottom of the stairs—their typical routine. After several minutes, JoAnne investigated further, going downstairs to ensure nothing had happened. She discovered Bryce’s predicament in the closet.8 This example illustrates a very common situation in a deaf home; caregivers or parents must constantly stay close to the children in their care to avoid harmful situations, injuries, or worse.

Deaf parents and hearing children show their affection for one another through simple ways. For example, when saying farewell at family activities, grandparents will give a kiss and a hug to their grandchildren and end with the “I love you” sign. The thumb, pointer, and pinky fingers all extended from the hand express the “I love you” sign, typically accompanied by the voiced expression while talking with hearing. I only witnessed the direct spoken expression of love from deaf grandparents to grandchildren. In some instances, the signed expression of love was expressed by hearing children to their parents. In addition, in either verbal or signing communication, the parents never initiated the phrase “I love you” with their children. The parents would initiate family affection through physically based actions instead of verbal ones (such as saying “I love you”). Parents would often put their arms around their children or hold little ones in their laps even when the children are becoming slightly too big to be held.

Children who grow up in the Deaf culture also use physically based methods of showing love towards their parents. While sitting and listening at church one Sunday, Sean, an HCDP aged 16, took his mother’s hand and gently held it. Teenage boys do not often take the initiative to show love towards a parent, but this boy did just that. The most prevalent method of affection is shown through physical actions. Deaf parents do not provide emotional comfort through conversation. The communication barrier, discussed later, hinders that parental role. Sue described the means her parents dealt with showing and receiving affection: “My parents didn’t really know how to communicate well with their kids on an emotional level because they never had that growing up. . . . We know they loved us and they talked to us all of the time and . . . they played with us but they were not the people I turned to when I had a problem.”9 Sadly, words do not always capture the correct level of intent; because not all HCDPs know sign language fluently, emotions cannot always be correctly expressed between parent and child.

Verbally based methods of expressing care and affection are not regularly practiced by deaf parents; instead, their children are nurtured through physically based expressions of love and emotion. This distinction is not always noticed by the HCDP until these expressions are compared with those of Hearing culture.

Communication Communication techniques vary between Hearing and Deaf cultures; the mode of choice provides a useful tool in defining the parent-child relationships. Sign language provides the most comprehensive communication for Daniel, the deaf father of the family that I stayed with. While not completely deaf, Daniel is able to hear some frequencies of sound. As he can understand parts of vocal Between Two Worlds

27

conversation because of his partial hearing, his children use broken signs when they communicate with him. In response, Daniel uses his voice. This diminishes the amount of signing required by the children, a task that seems taxing among many HCDPs. Despite the fact that both Daniel and his wife understand sign language much better than spoken language, their children take the easier path.

For hearing children, vocal speech provides a much faster method of communication to others, not to mention the receiver does not need to consistently watch the speaker. Many children show resistance to sign language, and therefore Deaf culture, altogether by refusing to learn sign language. As a child, Clair, one of JoAnne and Daniel’s children, refused to learn sign language; instead, she relied heavily on her older sister’s ability to sign or, with her sister’s absence, her parents’ ability to read her lips.10 The birth order creates a large difference in the amount of signing skill HCDPs possess. In most instances, the oldest sibling holds most of the responsibility to communicate because of their talent for sign language: You’re depended on for a lot of the interpreting because you are the first to learn it, and you’re the person they depend on for everything. I don’t know if you ever noticed, but when grandma called I was the one who was always interpreting. It’s just part of being the oldest child. There are responsibilities that just come with that. But as far as growing up with it, I didn’t know any different. . . . They say I’m the one that signs the clearest and the most [accurately] I guess. [I’m the] most thorough with it, so they depend on that I guess.11 HCDPs make the decision of adopting the language independent of family or friends, but the simpler lifestyle of little interpreting entices them to choose not to learn sign language.

Without question, the language tension of HCDPs versus their deaf parents creates a natural division. Periodically, a deaf parent may ask one of their children to interpret a conversation; however, neither party enjoys that situation. It prevents the child from participating in the social setting and transforms him or her into an interpreter, separate from social activity. Regardless, deaf parents miss details of a conversation among their hearing children and cannot be fully integrated into social events because of their inability to interpret the entire conversation. In addition, HCDPs unconsciously force their parents into the outskirts of social activity because of their inability to understand the conversation. JoAnne, a deaf mother of five hearing children, said the following about the difficulties of social settings: If there is a large gathering, like . . . with grandparents and cousins, one thing I miss out with is that I can’t understand what they are talking about. I have to have [an] interpreter to figure out what they are saying.

Sometimes they follow, sometimes, they couldn’t. . . . Sometimes I’d get [the attention of ] the oldest daughter. “What they saying?” She will abbreviate and talk for about an hour and . . . [tell] me five minutes [worth of the conversation]. I want to know the details!12 28 ­

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One memorable incident occurred at a family barbecue: JoAnne and Daniel sat among their children who were all talking and reminiscing on the past. Neither of the parents knew the conversation and could not provide input. When JoAnne asked her nearest daughter to sign, she told her parents that they were just talking about how they used to climb poles as children. The daughter tried to stop signing at that point, but her mother persisted. Once the daughter resumed interpreting, she instantly discontinued participating in the conversation and no longer fulfilled the role as sibling, but became the interpreter.13 Of course as loving parents, deaf parents do not always insist on knowing a conversation among the hearing because they realize the inconvenience it has on their children to act as interpreters. Sue shared this about her family vacations: “My parents would ignore us in the car because they couldn’t understand us.

Like, if they were both in the car, they would talk to each other, and we would talk with ourselves in the background.”14 In this case, Sue’s parents did not even attempt to know what their children were talking about in the back of the car. Deaf parents avoid asking siblings to interpret for other siblings in order to differentiate their role of the family. Parents try to make the distinction of parent and child while the family is together, but when deaf parents integrate themselves in the hearing world, that distinction can become undefined.

Certainly it can be acknowledged that HCDPs often mature into adults earlier than average teenagers because of their roles as interpreters for their parents. Interpreting exposes young children to adult matters (i.e. finances, mortgages, health problems, etc.). Complications spring from the confusion children have as to their position in society—adult or child—and what information they are entitled to. Additional difficulties may arise as HCDPs may consider themselves adults. Due to their exposure to adult conversations and situations when they serve in the interpreter role for their parents, HCDPs are “transformed” into adults: “At those times my father expected me to transform myself instantly into an adult, one who was capable of communicating on his behalf, adult to adult.”15

Involvement Naturally, as children of deaf parents grow older, they realize a distinction from hearing people and progress through periods of declaration and suppression of the Deaf culture identification. In her youth, Sue would impress her peers with her signing skills: “But I used [sign language] for so long that now I am like, ‘I don’t want to be known as the girl who knows sign language. I want people to like me for me and to know me for me.’”16 HCDPs can often become tired of being identified as unique because of their parents’ culture; they simply want to be an average person. This desire for independence and normalcy can promote a further divide from Deaf culture.

HCDPs do return to recognize Deaf culture in their lives because they cannot reject their parents’ identity and the importance of that relationship.

Their parents’ dependency on their children for communicating with the Between Two Worlds

29

Hearing world applies an added responsibility that many HCDPs cannot deny.

Kara, an HCDP who works as an interpreter, put it in the simplest of terms: “I am extremely loyal to my family. . . . I feel protective.”17 Feeling the need to care for their parents may influence HCDPs’ decisions as adults to favor close proximity to their parents. Often, grown HCDPs live near their parents, or they illustrate their availability by becoming more part of the Deaf culture.

Involvement in Deaf culture varies throughout the life of HCDPs; this impacts the parent-child relationship and their acceptance of Deaf culture as part of their identity.

Conclusion HCDPs need to be recognized as a population that is distinct from others because not only is there a major physical difference from their parents, but there is also a cultural difference derived from that physical difference. Studying culture is more than researching what culture is, but it is also about that coming together of two (or more) cultures and the combined influence that they have on people.

HCDPs are important because this phenomenon occurs within one generation.

Learning about the natural coping strategies that these children have been born with to react the way they do within the Hearing and Deaf cultures is a useful tool for us to recognize and appreciate.

This ethnography should be considered as a contribution of Deaf and Hearing family systems for further research to be built upon. These subjects would help us to better understand and appreciate the cultural background of people who move among us, seemingly the same as we are, but who have experienced a different, and perhaps a more complex, process into adulthood.

Endnotes 1. I use the capitalized “Deaf ” to refer to the culture of Deafness. When referred to as the physical disability to hear, it will be used with a lower case “deaf ”. “Hearing” and “hearing” are used in the same manner. “Hearing” is the culture of those who hear.

2. Thomas Bull, On the Edge of Deaf Culture: Hearing Children/Deaf Parents (Alexandria, VA: DFR Press, 1998), 5.

3. Victor W. Turner, “Betwixt and Between: the Liminal Period in Rites De Passage,” The Symbolic Analysis of Ritual (1964).

4. Carol Padden, “The Deaf Community and the Culture of Deaf People,” Readings for Diversity and Social Justice (2000): 350.

5. Sue Whittingham, interview by Corinne Packard, May 24, 2009.

6. Michele Bishop and Sherry Hicks, “Orange Eyes: Bimodal Bilingualism in Hearing Adults from Deaf Families,” Sign Language Studies 5, no. 2 (2005): 189.

7. Whittingham, interview.

8. JoAnne Pointe, interview by Corinne Packard, 2009.

9. Whittingham, interview.

10. Clair Clark, interview by Corinne Packard, July 13, 2009.

11. Ibid.

12. Pointe, interview.

13. Ibid.

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14. Whittingham, interview.

15. Myron Uhlberg, My Fatherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Hands: a hearing boy, his deaf parents, and the language of love (NY: Bantam Dell, 2008), 32.

16. Whittingham, interview.

17. Kara Green, interview by Corinne Packard, June 10, 2009.

Between Two Worlds

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2,358 Minutes

by Noah Coleman

Thirty-six hours after I was born, my mother passed away. I did not have a chance to get to know her in person, but as I heard stories about her from my dad, siblings, other relatives, and friends, I came to know a woman who was talented, loving, and kind.

Recently, I had been reflecting on my relationship with my mother and how briefly our lives had crossed on this earth. As I thought of the memories I had of her, it occurred to me that nearly all of my experiences with her had been vicariousâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;borrowing othersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; memories and treating them as my own. I remembered stories of her talent for cooking and her love of spicy food; I remembered how she loved music and would practice the viola for hours on end; I remembered her independent attitude and her desire to be one of a kind, but these werenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t my memories. So I made this sculpture, hand-pounding one nail for each of the 2,358 minutes we were alive together, in an effort to create an experience with my mother that was uniquely my own. I felt that pounding each nail by hand would give me a good, long time to meditate about my mother, who she was, and my relationship with her.

I began the difficult process of drilling thousands of holes in the weathered boards and filing them with nails, completing it over a year later. During that time, I had many wonderful experiences thinking about my mother as well as the rest of my family. And when it was finished, I felt that I had spent more than just 2,358 minutes with her.

2,358 Minutes

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Above: Noahâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s artwork, 2,358 Minutes.

Left: Noah pictured with his mother right after he was born.

Half American Halv Dansk, All Fabulous

by Whitney Olsen

Acts 2:26 Therefore did my heart rejoice, and my tongue was glad.

Mormor My Mormor1 is a woman that I don’t think I’ll ever truly know the way other kids know their grandmothers. Mom tells me that Mormor, Morfar,2 and my three uncles were all converts to the Church before she was born, and because of that, Mormor constantly entertained a steady flow of Mormon missionaries.

Mom says that her own believable American accent came from watching old American television shows and hearing the missionaries speak. Mom’s family, the Jansens, lived in a small apartment with two bedrooms, a living room, a cramped kitchen fit for mine bedsteforældre,3 five children, and a cat named Nephi. Mormor is the reason why there’s any family history done on my mother’s side. She is the reason why I needed to change. She is the reason why I needed to learn dansk.4 Højte Amerikanere5 I’m ten years old, wandering through København6 with my parents and my two younger brothers, Jordan and Justin, following Mom’s fast, determined pace through a thick, dense crowd of danskere.7 I’m not sure where we’re going, but we’re probably going to either visit den lille havfru8 statue or the Queen’s palace. I squint through the bright sunlight as I follow Mom; it is just a little more difficult to get past with the people crossing in front of or diagonal of our family. I may only be 10, but I would rather die than embarrass myself by saying, “Excuse me” in English as I shoulder past. I don’t want anyone in the vicinity to think that I’m a tourist. I shrink as I remember times past when we didn’t know what speaking loudly in American English did to our image; Mom would turn to us quietly and ask, “Do you have to talk so loud? Everyone knows you’re Americans.” So even now, I do my best to blend in. I would do anything to not appear to be a loud American. It’s not that I’m not proud of 37

my country; I just don’t want everyone to look at me and think, “Look at that little American tourist.” I trot a bit to walk side by side with Mom and touch her elbow.

“Mom, what’s the Danish word for ‘excuse me’?” I ask her, feeling like this could be a watershed moment of my life where I actually start to magically “get” Danish.

“We don’t,” she responds within a blink’s time, a small grin playing at the corners of her mouth.

“Do you mean there isn’t a word for it or—“ “There isn’t a word for ‘excuse me’ because we don’t need to,” Mom explains, “You don’t need to say it, because you don’t get in people’s way. You just notice they’re coming and you make way.”

“Oh,” I reply, my little nearly invisible-blonde eyebrows furrowed.

I wished with my ten-year-old heart that I would someday learn the sprog9 everyone was speaking around me so I could shake off this loud American shell.

Vanskelighed10 Mom learned English in the fifth grade at the latest. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever learn dansk. We’ve visited Denmark countless times, and each time I was blatantly reminded how American I was, or how much I wasn’t dansk enough, and as I got older with each visit, the reminders never stopped.

Mom tried teaching us, but soon gave up. I do remember the baby words and the songs sung to me and to each of my brothers—my mom’s love for us expressed in the raw, pure emotion of her first language. It’s a far-reaching memory but it’s hard to ignore; I can remember Mom sitting us down and having us say words in dansk, but we found them so foreign and silly that we laughed. This is why I never learned dansk.

Every trip to Denmark, we would find ourselves sitting in Mormor’s living room. Jordan would squint through his glasses and under his crisply-trimmed blonde bangs as he was playing Poke’mon Yellow on his gameboy. I would be drawing and coloring, but I would have my eyes glued to my paper and my ears glued on the samtale.11 In the midst of their conversation, I would hear my name with the tiniest bit of an accent and my ears were aflame to strain to hear what was being said about me. I could tell Jordan heard it too, but he had trouble listening intently while rapidly tapping the buttons with his thumbs.

To me, they could be talking about the most mundane things, but the fact that they were talking about me right there… I would look at my dad, who was listening and faintly smiling, relying heavily on his German that he learned on his mission, but even that was a stretch. Sometimes he would look at me and I at him; he would give me his “dad” grin, where his lips would stretch wide and to make me smile he would wiggle his eyebrows. All I wanted to ask him was, “How do you stand it?”

To those who might not have heard dansk, it sounds unlike anything you are familiar with. You don’t have to speak Spanish, French, or German to know 38 ­

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what language is which. The same even goes for Japanese or Chinese; these languages have that quality that even though Americans don’t know them or might not ever try to learn the languages, they feel all giddy inside because they can at least identify the language. Dansk is forskelligt.12 Everything slurs over so you wonder where each word separates and when the next begins because they all just flow and mesh together. I have concluded that if anyone were to listen to Danish, their initial response would have to be, “Wait—what?”

Oversætter13 Here are some of the most frustrating things to hear if you’re a Dane or halfDane: “So what do you speak in . . . Danish-land?” “So, would that make you, erm, Danmarkian?” Or the absolute worst: “So, you speak Dutch?”

It feels hypocritical being a representative of a language you have no clue how to speak. I have numerous opportunities to introduce myself to people but one of the hardest things to fess up about is that I’m half-Danish and I don’t speak a word of it.

“Do you speak at home with your mom?” friends in the past would ask.

“No, I never learned. It just didn’t stick, I guess,” I sheepishly answer. They may gloss over it and continue on about something else, but when dansk is brought up, it lingers and sits on my brain as a life-long reminder of how it just didn’t stick. I just never really tried. I saw myself doomed the rest of my life to stay that way. My desire to become fluent in dansk in an instant was daunting; it would be like me trying to stomach a seven course meal in one gulp.

Even as a little kid, if we visited Mormor’s ward on Sunday, my Aunt Lise, who is rigtig god14 at English, would whisper in my ear the translation of the lesson. Of course I want to understand what’s going on around me and what they’re talking about, but every time, someone has to translate for me. I keep thinking, “I’m going to go home, get that Danish language computer program that no one uses, and finally learn. I’m going to do it.” But somehow I always forgot.

Mig15 I’m back in Denmark again in the summer of my 10th birthday—the first birthday I’ve had outside of America with my dansk familie.16 We meet in the prettiest place in all of Denmark, my Mormor’s sommerhus.17 It’s like a fairytale cottage on the outside, a little place to visit during the summer when the weather is warm and perfect. There are flowers absolutely everywhere; I’m looking through a kaleidoscope and all I see is an impressionist’s canvas splattered with colors. I get my own bouquet of these flowers for my birthday and everywhere I turn there are flowers, flowers, and more flowers; if I don’t see flowers, I see red and white Danish flags. I get a fødselsdagkage18 with unsweetened frosting and strawberries.

At the time, I’m incredibly picky and I hate that my birthday cake has strawberries when I figured everyone knew by now that I didn’t like them.

Then they sing the English birthday song to me and I grin broadly, revealing my crooked, pre-braces smile and my round glasses that sit comfortably Half American Halv Dansk, All Fabulous

39

between my blonde bowl-cut bangs and my freckled cheeks. Just as the song ends and I’m ready to blow out my candles, my mom, Mormor, Aunt Lise—everyone there besides my father and brothers (the non-dansk speakers)—break out and sing a song på dansk.19 I sit on the white plastic chair with my hands in my lap and let my feet dangle and brush against the grass. I even try on a smile, but as I stare at the small red and white Danish flags made of paper on toothpicks decorating my cake—my stomach tightens. I don’t know the words.

I don’t know dansk.

Børnesanger20 We’re not even in Denmark right now; the elephant-in-the-room feeling only bullies me when we’re in Denmark. In America, I don’t have to be defensive about dansk because it’s not up in my face to challenge me. Mom is driving through Olathe, Kansas, and I sit in the passenger seat. Growing up, even if we didn’t hear Mom talking to Mormor or Aunt Lise on the phone about who knows what, we had our Pa-Papegøje!21 CD to listen to. I still have that CD and I listen to it often, even though it’s a bunch of children songs sung by popular danske singers.

Mom is driving and I’m singing loudly and happily in the passenger seat.

Having heard the CD thousands of times, I have in essence memorized the sounds. I don’t know what I’m singing about, but I learn to copy the sounds well enough. Even Jordan and Justin in the back sing the sounds, too, Justin kicking his little feet against his car seat in time to the music with gusto. Our favorite song is Jeg Gik Mig Over Sø og Land22 because it reminds us of the “If You’re Happy and You Know It” song, which gives us clues as to what the song entails. Our favorite part is at the end when they say the word prut because we know that it means “fart” and we giggle madly and try to make farting noises with our forearms, completely beside ourselves with breathless laughter.

Mom is driving to a carwash, and before she turns off the music to start the wash, she says, “You know, you’re not singing it right.”

“Yeah I am, it sounds exactly the same!” I answer, crinkling my little blonde eyebrows with a pout. I felt pretty proud about my pronunciation.

“You don’t know Danish, you’re not singing words.”

I stare out the window with a sour frown as Mom pulls into the dark abyss that is the car wash. Everything goes dark as I watch the colors of the soap trickling down the windows. Everything goes silent.

Usikkerhed23 Whenever we have the missionaries over for dinner, Mom and Dad retell their historier24 of their “glory days” while serving in Munich, Germany. Growing up, I thought everyone’s parents had stories like mine; they met on their mission and would tell us of all the wonderful things they saw, lessons they learned, and how their stories ended with the best happily ever after. Missionaries are enthralled by what they have to say, mainly because we’re living in Germany at the moment.

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Stance: For the Family

I’m sucked in, too. I’ve heard these stories so many times, and every time it gently reminds me of my life-long goal of going on a mission, too. I was one of those Mia Maids who wrote “serve a mission” on her list of long-term goals when prompted during a Sunday lesson. Not many of my friends shared the same dream.

Yet every time, it doesn’t matter when it comes up in the conversation, it never fails: “And I’m hoping all of my kids go to Denmark to serve,” Mom says with a smile, looking at us expectantly, “And maybe they’ll finally wish they knew Danish.” A chorus of expected chuckles floated around mom’s sour cream potatoes and ham.

Finally wish I knew Danish?

Tid25 We’re visiting Mormor one last time, at least for the last time before we move back to the States. Our four years of living in Haupstuhl, Germany are coming to a close as Dad is finishing his service for the military, and we really don’t have the strong desire to leave Europe. We all feel a thick mist of sadness like steam from a sauna. Mormor is old and almost never stands up and we’re about to leave to go back to the States; when is the next time we’ll see her?

Up to this point, I’m close to graduating from high school, and Mormor’s little apartment is splitting at the seams with our family coming to visit. Mom, Lise, and Mormor chatter as usual, and my three younger brothers and I are playing with our little cousin, Carl, Lise’s søn.26 My family seems much older and taller since our last visit; Jordan is practically as tall as a redwood tree with shaggy Beetles-ish hair and has ditched his glasses and his habit of tucking in his shirts.

His clothes would keep a sumo wrestler decently covered even though he’s as thin as a light post. Justin isn’t a kid anymore; he’ll receive the priesthood soon. He wears his clothes baggy, too, with colossal shoes to match his skater-kid mentality. Nicholas is only seven and acts as spoiled as an only child, but we love him anyway. Right now he’s competing with Carl for attention.

I look at Mormor as we hygge sig.27 She sits the whole time in her large easy chair with her swollen feet propped up. She has long since grown weary and doesn’t move around much anymore. Mormor fills all the space her chair has to offer with her body, and her arms spill over onto the arm rests. Her hair curls like gray puffs of smoke around her head and her heavy glasses rest on her cheeks, yet she always smiles at us and talks to us in her slightly deep, alto voice.

Even though I don’t think I’ll ever learn Danish, I can’t help but wish with my almost-eighteen-year-old heart that I could own up to this dansk half that I’ve had my whole life. I can’t paint myself just red or blue, but a blend of the two: purple; that’s what it feels like to be half and halv.28 I somehow feel that everyone is okay with that. I seem to forget that my brothers don’t understand dansk, and maybe it’s because they don’t share the same guilt that I do of not being able to speak. Would they have tried harder to Half American Halv Dansk, All Fabulous

41

learn dansk if I were the better older sister and set the better example? I guess we feel okay because for some reason it doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore; sure Mom would totally love for any one of us to pick up dansk, but she . . . I could only guess that she’s okay with the fact that it may never happen. I’m inching closer to college and the more I think about how life will change, I realize how much I love my mom, how much I love that she speaks dansk, and even though my siblings and I don’t speak, we still feel like I deserve to claim my halv-dansk side.

“So,” Mormor says to me, saying each word carefully, “Whitney, how is school going?” English is slowly draining drip by drip to the point that Mormor doesn’t remember much anymore—just enough to still talk to me. I feel crummy that I can’t even speak to my own grandma in her own language.

I’m sick of everyone having to oversætter29 for me; the translation filters need to stop.

“Hvad har du på hjerte?”30 It’s now half-way through my first semester at Brigham Young University where I come face to face with my dansk halv, and for once, she isn’t threatening. I’m finally taking Dansk 101 on campus and the unthinkable happens: it comes to me. In fact, Danish comes to me much faster than German ever did in high school. It’s almost like it was truly in my blood the whole time. I’m kicking myself wondering why I waited so long! Granted, my life-long struggle to understand Danish is fueling the machine and pushing me harder to get things right. The first thing I learn is how to say a prayer; each class we pray that the words come and flow through our lips.

I send my first e-mail to Mormor written på dansk. I’m sure that it looks elementary to her—almost like baby-talk, but it’s revolutionary for me; me?

Writing complete sentences? I feel giddy and I look forward to the future like Scrooge after his ghostly visitors; I’ve got a second chance to do things right.

I get a quick response and I understand all the words she typed. Granted, she did point out several spelling and grammatical errors, but I still understood everything. I also start tentatively speaking dansk with Mom. It’s sort of frightening; everything I’m learning is being put to the test and critiqued, but what’s the point of learning dansk if I won’t even speak to danskere?31 She keeps asking me if I understand and I keep saying, “Yes, yes, yes. I understand.”

Later on in the semester, I call home and I tell Dad about my classes, and naturally about Dansk 101. I can tell by his voice and encouraging words that he’s happy that I’m finally getting the hang of it. So far, I’m the only one to make it to the elusive “other side.”

“I know Mom won’t say it,” he says into the receiver, “but she’s really proud that you’re speaking Danish.”

I know he’s telling the truth and I can’t control my voice at this point because a lump lodges in my throat. I smile to myself and swallow it down whole.

42 ­

Stance: For the Family

Spændende!32 Dansk 202 has come and gone and now what else is there for me to do? Speak!

Some of my best friends speak dansk with me, and it’s so fun; it feels like a secret language that no one knows but me. I’m starting to realize that more than ever before, I’m obsessed with anything Danish; I’m even starting to dream in dansk. What was once something I used to shrink away from, I seem to not get enough of now. I have somehow transformed this elusive, mysterious code into something of my own adoptive words that I use to express certain things that can’t quite be explained in English. Not only that, but people start to identify me with dansk. For once, I feel like an adequate representative.

During the summer months after the semester ended, I went with my family to New York and out of all the people to be standing awkwardly close to on the Empire State Building, it’s a Danish couple. They ask if we could take their picture, and Mom tells them I should do it since I’m the photographer for the trip. I say, “En, to, tre!”33 and snap a good shot of them with New York City in the background. They ask me if I know dansk, and looking to my mom proudly, I reply in their tongue in the affirmative. Mom has this look on her face that’s hard to discern behind her sunglasses. I smile and ask her what’s on her mind.

“I’m still not used to you speaking Danish, Whit,” Mom replies with her smile. I give her a shoulder hug and we squeeze through to get a view of New York City. I’ve held hands with min dansk halv and haven’t parted ways since.

Endnotes 1. Danish word for “grandma” or literally, “mother’s mother.”

2. Grandpa, literally, “mother’s father.”

3. A word for “grandparents.”

4. Danish.

5. “Loud Americans.”

6. Copenhagen, but with Danish spelling.

7. Danes.

8. “The Little Mermaid” statue, the most famous landmark in Denmark.

9. Language. “Sprog” rhymes with “low.” Don’t be fooled by that pesky little g.

10. Difficulty.

11. Conversation.

12. Different 13. Translator 14. Really good.

15. Me. 16. Danish family.

17. Summer house. Danes like to have little houses in a lovely area surrounded by green where they have summer activities away from their actual apartments. Mormor in this case flaunts her amazing ability to keep flowers alive, something I have yet to master.

18. Birthday cake.

19. In Danish.

20. Children’s Songs.

Half American Halv Dansk, All Fabulous

43

21. Literally means “parrot.” We have CDs that serve as a collection of children’s songs. I’m still impressed by their uniqueness and how many there are. Little Bow Peep has nothing on this!

22. “I Go Over Sea and Country.”

23. Uncertainty.

24. History, but here it means “stories.”

25. Time.

26. Son. 27. One of the few phrases that don’t directly translate into another word, but it’s the idea that you’re having a good time in a social gathering, having fun, getting to know people; that good feeling that you’re “putting yourself out there.”

28. Half.

29. Translate.

30. “What is on your mind?” My Facebook is in Danish and this phrase is what lies above my status box.

31. Danes 32. Exciting! It’s one of the first words I learned and because of that, it makes me happy. Shout it with me, “SPEN-EN-UGH!” 33. “one, two three!”

44 ­

Stance: For the Family

The Benefits and Detriments of Bed Sharing with Parents and Children

by Britta Brunson

A

t a recent family reunion, I observed my three cousins and their spouses interacting with their four children between the ages of six months and two years. I was fascinated by each couple’s different parenting styles. One of the issues that interested me most was the different ways each couple addressed the nightly routine of getting their children to sleep. Two of the couples had their children sleep separately from them, while the other couple chose to bed share with their daughter. This couple’s daughter had a difficult time being on her own. Bedtimes were a battle since the little girl needed to have her parents in bed with her in order to fall asleep at night. My observations of this family led me to learn more about the benefits and detriments of bed sharing with one’s child.

Bed sharing is a heated issue in the family research arena today. Proponents for bed sharing list benefits such as easier and more frequent breastfeeding, more confident and secure children, and a reduced risk of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). Opponents of bed sharing cite problems for parents, such as troubles with family life due to parents’ disturbed sleep and lack of intimacy in the marital relationship. They also site problems for children, such as inability to self-sooth in infants and resistance to future individual sleeping. There are several positive and negative effects of bed sharing, and each couple will have to decide what works best for them.

One of the benefits of bed sharing is an increase in the amount and ease of breast-feeding when a child is so close to his or her mother. This is important because doctors and medical experts agree that breast-feeding is the best form of feeding for baby. For many breastfeeding mothers, bed sharing can end up being the easiest way to fulfill the baby’s needs, while allowing the mother to get some extra sleep. In fact, a significant amount of parents that bed share admit that they initially were not planning on it.

45

Many parents found that bed sharing was a natural result of frequent nocturnal feeding sessions, and numerous parents explained that, in spite of a planned decision to have their infant sleep in a crib, the ease of nighttime breastfeeding and the emotional security that ensued made co-sleeping in the form of bed sharing the most beneficial and practical arrangement.1 Bed sharing can also be beneficial because “it facilitates increased frequency and duration of breastfeeding,” because the mother has her baby close by.2 Another benefit of bed sharing is that children who bed share can feel secure and close to their parents, and some say they will be more independent and confident than children who do not bed share. Keller and Goldberg state: Available empirical evidence suggests that . . . children from families who prefer to co-sleep and begin doing so during the infant’s first year are significantly more independent in daily living skills and social relations with peers as preschoolers compared to solitary sleeping children.3 One of the biggest fears parents have regarding bed sharing is that their children will become needy and have to share their beds for years. A study performed in 2007 by J. J. McKenna and L. E. Volpe analyzing over 200 bed sharing mothers and their personal accounts suggests that parents should not be concerned. “Far from the picture of clingy children incapable of falling asleep alone that the western medical paradigm might predict, the respondents wrote of secure children who adapted well to a transition to solitary sleeping arrangements.”4 According to many experts, parents need not worry that their children might have dependence issues.

Finally, proponents of bed sharing stress that bed sharing can actually save a child’s life since parents can recognize much earlier when something is wrong with the baby before it is too late. In the book What to Expect the First Year, the authors state: Researchers have found that there is an innate connection between a co-sleeping mother and child . . . [and that] this . . . may make a mother who co-sleeps more keenly aware of her child’s breathing and temperature throughout the night, allowing her to respond quickly to any significant changes.5 Other studies caution that for bed sharing to be safe, parents must be willing to eliminate such things as smoking in bed, sleeping with baby while intoxicated, using heavy blankets, and sleeping on soft and downy mattresses that can cause suffocation.6 In this context, the benefits of bed sharing could outweigh the limitations.

Opponents of bed sharing do find the costs outweigh the benefits of bed sharing. One of these opponents is Paula Mortensen, a mother of eight children and who currently has a two-and-a-half-year-old son and four-month-old daughter. She stated her personal reasons for choosing to not bed share: 46 ­

Stance: For the Family

I personally choose not to bed share with my children because I feel that in the end, it’s an immediate gain for a long-term loss. You immediately gain the convenience of not having to get out of bed to feed the baby since he or she is right there, but in the end the ultimate goal is to have your baby sleeping in his or her own bed. I think that bed sharing makes the realization of that goal much more difficult.7 Paula mentioned three of her reasons for not bed sharing: 1) When parents are waking up and responding to every little sound their baby makes, they are getting less sleep and also training their baby to wake up throughout the night, 2) When there is a baby in the bed, there is less opportunity for husband and wife to just spend time together in the evenings/mornings talking or holding one another, and 3) When a baby sleeps on its own it learns that even though it can’t see mommy or daddy, that doesn’t mean they are gone forever; this recognition helps children to be more independent since they have learned how to feel secure without having mom or dad right next to them.8 Paula is not the only one who believes these may be important issues to consider when deciding whether or not to bed share. Many researchers share the same concerns about bed sharing. In a recent study “designed to examine the relationship between family sleep arrangements and children’s sleep problems in families,” researchers state, “We found more sleep problems in children who shared a bed (co-sleepers) or room with parents, compared with children who either slept alone or shared a bed with a sibling.”9 Another study mentions that children who bed share often have sleep issues such as night waking.10 Paula’s second concern, that bed sharing has a negative effect on the marriage relationship, has been studied by researchers Medoff and Schaefer (1993).

They state that “concerns have been raised about adverse consequences of bedsharing for family relations, especially the marriage, with some warning that marital intimacy will suffer with prolonged bedsharing arrangements.”11 Finally, Paula mentions the issue of independence, and although empirical research supporting her idea in this area is sparse, her opinion is supported by my own recent observations at the reunion. The one couple that chose to bed share with their daughter were unable to be separated from her at any point due to her immediate and uncontrollable crying. They could not set her down to get food, to go to the bathroom, or even to walk into the next room because as soon as they were out of sight, she would begin wailing.

One of the evenings, we (the younger couples) wanted to play some games.

The two other couples with children put their kids to bed and were able to enjoy spending time with the group while the bed sharing couple, since they wanted to stay and be a part of the games, had to hold their fussy and exhausted daughThe Benefits and Detriments of Bed Sharing

47

ter the entire time. This observation does not hold to what previous research supporting bed sharing has stated. Not all children will be independent because of the sleeping situation. Parents will need to consider the research and their personal experiences to make an educated decision about bed sharing with their children. Parents should also consider other problems with family life because of disturbed sleep of parents, lack of intimacy in the marital relationship, and problems for children, such as inability to self-sooth in infants, and resistance to future individual sleeping before deciding to bed share.

Proponents for bed sharing cite benefits such as ease and frequency of breastfeeding, confidence in children, and protection from SIDS. Opponents cite detriments such as less sleep for parents, lack of intimacy between couples, and inability to self-soothe or sleep alone in the future for children. Choosing whether or not parents should bed share can be a difficult decision. Ultimately, no matter the amount of research completed or the professionals that state one way is better than the other, what really matters is that couples decide together whether bed sharing is what they feel will work best for their family.

Every child, marriage, and family is different; what works for one family might not work for another. Of utmost importance is that couples agree on what the sleeping arrangements are and work together to maintain them. Children do well in environments where their parents are united and working together towards a common goal. When parents agree on the sleeping arrangements, there is significantly less room for arguments and fights. If couples can do this, no matter what choice is made, parents will have a much greater chance of feeling success and happiness with their children’s sleeping arrangements.

Endnotes 1. J. J. McKenna and L. E. Volpe, “Sleeping with Baby: An Internet-Based Sampling of Parental Experiences, Choices, Perceptions, and Interpretations in a Western Industrialized Context,” Infant and Child Development 16, no. 4 (2007): 367.

2. Wendy A. Goldberg and Meret A. Keller, “Parent-Infant Co-Sleeping: Why the Interest and Concern?,” Infant and Child Development 16, no. 4 (2007): 332.

3. Ibid., 333.

4. McKenna and Volpe, “Sleeping with Baby,” 368.

5. Heidi Murkoff, Arlene Eisenberg, and Sandee Hathaway, What to Expect the First Year (New York, NY: Workman Publishing Company, Inc., 2003), 265.

6. Gary R. Germo, Esther S. Chang, Meret A. Keller, and Wendy A. Goldberg, “Child Sleep Arrangements and Family Life: Perspectives from Mothers and Fathers,” Infant and Child Development 16, no. 4 (2007): 450.

7. Paula Mortensen, interview by Britta Brunson, October 13, 2009.

8. Paula Mortensen, interview by Britta Brunson, October 12, 2009.

9. Tony Xing Tan, Kofi Marfo, and Robert F. Dedrick, “Preschool-age Adopted Chinese Children’s Sleep Problems and Family Sleep Arrangements,” Infant and Child Development 18, no.

5 (2009):436.

10. Goldberg and Keller “Parent-Infant Co-Sleeping,” 333.

11. Ibid.

48 ­

Stance: For the Family

The Economics of Abortion

by Nicole Taylor

I

n historic and modern societies, the ethics of family planning and abortion have continually been a controversial topic. Today, morality and religious beliefs come head to head with a womanâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s right to choose. Laws making it more difficult to have an abortion are fought in state legislatures, and individuals proclaim their ideas with firm conviction. Although many feel that there is a solid right and wrong on this issue, the amount of discussion it generates indicates that the answer is not obvious.

Throughout history, laws have been made to prohibit women from having abortions and from using contraceptives. These laws forced women who were pregnant and could not care for the child to find other ways out. Infanticide and abortion were (and still are) ways to end unwanted pregnancies. Clandestine, or illegal abortions at home, tend to be very risky. It is important to realize that making abortion illegal does not prevent women from exercising their right to choose. Every year, thousands of women end up in hospitals due to complications of attempted abortions. Others inadvertently take their own lives because of the risks involved.1 Long before abortion was a common practice, infanticide, or the killing of infants and children, was the most common form of population control.

During hunter-gatherer days, women could only care for a few children because the groups moved continually; hence, infanticide was used to keep families small. It has been used in other times as well. The Eskimos and Polynesians have used infanticide to keep male-to-female ratios closer together. In many cultures, infanticide could be used if the child was a product of incest or born out of wedlock, or even if the child was not perfectly healthy. The modern sense of what is morally acceptable for abortions comes from these early infanticidal practices.2 Abortion was used to control family size, especially in eras when contraceptives were unheard of. The other options for birth control were sterilization or sexual abstinence. Contraception was used in the Greek and Roman eras, 49

as evidenced by medical papers written at the time. Those medical authors included different ways to perform abortions including jumping, hard physical labor, and herbal drugs.3 Early abortifacients, abortion methods most common in Europe, ranged from blends of herbs that are included in everyday cooking and physical treatments to the mythical. Often herbs that were known to be poisonous were used, such as pennyroyal. Some of the other herbal remedies include savory, sage, juniper, pennyroyal, brewerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s yeast, tansy, and prostitute root.

The last in this list seems to be named for its use, although it was often used by married women who could not afford more children. The implication of the name prostitute root, however, is very descriptive of the sentiments during those times.

Physical treatments to cause abortion were used in many cultures around the world, not just the Greeks. The most common was hard physical labor.

Some groups wore tightened girdles, fasted, or used bloodletting. In Southeast Asia, it was common for massage to be used to induce abortion. Intrusion with sharp utensils was customary in Europe. This highly dangerous method is the most familiar in pop-culture views of clandestine abortion. While all methods have potentially disastrous results, the use of sharp tools is the most likely to cause harm to the mother. Herbal remedies are the least likely to cause the abortion unless taken in lethal doses. In these cases the mother is likely to also suffer physical impairment or even death. None of the primitive methods have guarantees of actually inducing an abortion or of keeping the mother safe.4 By the Edwardian and Victorian eras in England, abortion had been made illegal due to Christian values in laws passed as early as 1803.5 This did not stop many women from performing underground abortions. As times got rougher, especially in the economic depression of the 1870s, women became more likely to use contraceptivesâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;also an illegal practice. When contraceptives failed, the only other options were abortion or to welcome the new baby to an already struggling family without much of a future.6 As the Industrial Revolution rolled on, more and more women were involved in city life, whether in the work force or trying to survive day-to-day living. The best way to increase the likelihood of stable family finances was to keep families small. With abortions being illegal, the only way to end a pregnancy was to use these undercover and other questionable methods.

During the Industrial Revolution, the most common abortifacient was the use of lead to induce lead poisoning in the fetus. Pills of lead were sold on the black market, often by the same vendors of contraceptives. Records of sales report booming business. It is often assumed that the only women having abortions were prostitutes or women of ill report; however, most of the women who attempted abortions were married women who could not afford to have another child. Although lawmakers tried to protect unborn children through legislation, the laws didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t keep women from having abortions but rather made them much more likely to participate in dangerous abortion procedures.7

Previous to 1973, states in the United States could prosecute women who had abortions. However, the 1970 Supreme Court case Roe v. Wade brought major changes. The Supreme Court sided in favor of the woman presenting the case and ruled that abortions should be legal. The reasoning was that abortions should be included as part of the right to privacy. The Supreme Court then passed to the states the final jurisdiction of what should count as a legal abortion.8 By making abortion generally legal, the government provided a way for women to safely conduct abortions without having to fear prosecution. This was better than the generally unsafe clandestine abortions that were prevalent at that time.

Even though abortions are legal in the United States, underground abortions still occur. A quick Google or Wikipedia search shows multiple ways that in-home abortions are performed today.9 The current fad in the United States is to overdose on vitamin C. While this method takes a long time, it has fewer side effects than previously popular methods such as drinking bleach, intentionally falling down the stairs, or using coat hangers.

In less developed countries, illegal abortions take more gruesome forms.

A popular practice in the Philippines is to go on a strictly Coke diet—only consuming Coca Cola—for almost two weeks. In Latin America, the most common form is still intrusion with sharp objects. Many women end up in the hospital due to complications from their attempted abortions.10 Unfortunately, abortion laws do not end abortion. Pro-life laws simply drive abortions underground, greatly increasing the risk for the mother.

The Guttmacher Institute is a non-profit organization that tracks abortion rates, both legal or reported abortions and clandestine ones. Their number for unreported or illegal abortions is an estimate predominately based on women who end up in hospitals due to complications of their attempted abortion. The Institute produces a periodical study called “Incidence of Abortion Worldwide” that claims that “abortion rates are no lower overall in areas where abortion is generally restricted by law (and where many abortions are performed under unsafe conditions) than in areas where abortion is legally permitted.”11 They test this theory by estimating abortions through various methods. Countries where abortion is legal were easier to estimate, but in areas where abortion is illegal estimates were made by surveying hospitals (looking for women who have had complications from the attempted abortion), and private doctors, among other methods. The study succinctly states, “Stringent legal restrictions do not guarantee a low abortion rate.”12 In other words, a country’s laws do not change the number of abortions—illegal abortions included—that are performed.

If it is true that laws have not changed how people behave in regards to abortion throughout history, then laws are unlikely to transform how people feel about abortion in the United States today. It seems to be the social ideology of the population as a whole that affects whether or not a woman decides to have an abortion. In essence, it could be peer pressure The Economics of Abortion

51

and cultural norms (based on state culture and ideology) that affect people more than the actual laws.

Through my research on abortions—both legal and clandestine—and political affiliation, I found that most laws prohibiting forms of abortion are not effective. Laws that cause a decrease in abortion are laws associated with minors, specifically the law in many states that a minor needs to inform her parents before having an abortion. It was also found that imposing a waiting period to encourage women to think about the consequences is also an effective deterrent. However, forcing women who want the operation to meet with counselors to discuss other options did not change the rate of abortions. It was also noted that abortions are more likely in times of economic hardship, when women feel that they cannot afford another child.13 It is unfortunate that abortion is as common as it is. What is more unfortunate is that the women who are desperate enough to have abortions are often turning to the Internet to find solutions rather than going to clinics and physicians, and their homemade attempts usually result in more damage than if the abortion were initially performed by a certified physician. Laws make less of a difference than is commonly believed. Making abortion illegal will not stop abortions from happening. Perhaps it is time to start writing fewer laws on when abortion is allowed, and more on education about other options. Laws can provide safe options for abortion and other family planning, while still not encouraging abortion—this will help decrease the number of women attempting clandestine abortions. Even though contraceptives are widely in use today, there are circumstances where women are desperate enough to try anything. The health risks are too high to ignore.

Endnotes 1. Taylor Haas, Stanley K Henshaw, and Susheela Singh, “The Incidence of Abortion Worldwide,” International Family Planning Perspectives (1999).

2. “Infanticide,” Encyclopædia Britannica, 2009, December 2, 2009, http://www.britannica.com/ EBchecked /topic/287427/infanticide.

3. Ibid.

4. “Birth Control,” Encyclopædia Britannica, 2009, December 2, 2009, http://www.britannica. com/EBchecked/ topic/66704/birth-control.

5. Patricia Knight, “Women and Abortion in Victorian and Edwardian England,” History Workshop, no.4 (1977): 57-68.

6. Ibid.

7. Ibid.

8. “Roe v. Wade,” Encyclopædia Britannica, 2009, December 3, 2009, http://www.britannica. com/ EBchecked/topic/506705/Roe-v-Wade.

9. History of Abortion, Wikipedia.

10. “Birth Control.”

11. Henshaw et al, (1999).

12. Ibid.

13. Nicole R. Taylor, “Abortion: Do Laws Matter?” (2009), unpublished.

52 ­

Stance: For the Family

We are Widows, We are Women: Indian Widows and a Sense of Self during Social Role Change

by Suzanne Powell

I

ndian women, especially widows, are often the subject of social research and advocacy, but few researchers have thought to ask what these widows think of their own lives. Not all widows face the same trials and the same social stigma and each woman deals with, understands, and internalizes the changes that happen after their husbandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s death in unique ways.

In order to begin to understand the personal face of Hindu widowhood, I traveled to the city of Visakhapatnam in Andhra Pradesh and spent four months working with a translator collecting the oral histories of five low caste widows, mainly those from the Jalaripeta, or fishing village, just outside the city. From the differing opinions expressed about social widowhood, I was struck by the plurality of manifested and experienced culture that came about because of individual interpretation of widowhood.1 It became clear to me that despite the clear role responsibilities that define social widowhood, these widows were able to maintain their previous identities by giving private, personal meaning to prescribed rites and behaviors associated with widowhood.

In order to understand the meaning behind these womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s actions and feelings, it is important to grasp where they are coming from. It is best to begin the discussion with caste and class in India, the conceptualization of femininity, and the actual ritual that creates social widowhood, though this is not an exhaustive treatment of the sources of identity for these women. Only then can the stories of the women I talked to show how the perceived reality of widowhood is directly contingent upon their lives beforehand and the entire cultural context that they navigate through.

Hindu widowhood must be understood by looking at religion and personal family situations, as well as the institutions of caste and class which provide a unique context to interpret these womenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s situations. There is no guaranteed correlation between caste and class, and each distinct pairing of the two provides yet another new basis for meaning and identity. To make it more nuanced, caste is not strictly about religion, and class is not strictly based on 53

economics; both have value systems and norms of moral behavior built into their ideological structure.

Yet while they maintain differing ideas of propriety, castes and classes conceive of marriage in the same terms: marriage is what gives permanence to the shifting, elusive reality that is caste. Marriage is what determines group boundaries. Marriage is both an inclusive and exclusive marker of membership.2 It is marriage that reifies who is connected to whom and that continues the cycle of procreation and cultural reproduction.

A woman is the holder and biological boundary of the reputability of a lineage, a clan, and a caste because it is through her that the group is perpetuated and the traditions and teachings are reproduced. The importance that is placed on her chastity can be seen as stemming from within the caste or lineage in and of itself, not just in relation to other castes or groups.3 As such, the purity of a woman’s actions as well as her physical makeup must be carefully managed so she and her children do not bring an eternal taint to the group. The state of women, then, becomes for each caste an indicator, a sign, a language of the purity of the caste in relation to inter-caste hierarchies; and a sign and method for the continuity of social identity and a technique for seeing to the welfare of the group in relation to inner-caste dynamics.4 If any of a woman’s “habits prove to be unclean or polluting, the consequences for husband, household, and village could be serious.”5 So far this article has been limited to discussing these women as part of a group or an inter-group dynamic. Yet a woman’s identity is created at the individual level as well as at the group level, and social expectations of what a woman should be change over time. A woman’s identity is not subject to a consistent definition—being a female person means ontologically different things at different stages of life. While India may place an emphasis on the importance of group cohesion or working for the benefit of a group, each person in that group still has a personal relationship and understanding of that group and must individually decide to uphold their inclusion in the group.

Writing on the subject of the individual as being more than just an individual, Erving Goffman said a person is full of symbolic meaning and can convey facts about herself to society at large and also engage in interactions with other members of society to create meaning through collaboration.6 Through social interaction and how they present themselves, individuals convey whether or not they are abiding by social demands placed on them and whether or not they are righteous, moral people.7 Along with a woman’s social roles and group expectations discussed previously, there are three personal, carefully demarcated, categories of personal femininity that a woman should align herself with over the course of a lifetime to be a social, moral person. The three roles (sexualized woman, caring mother, and self-sacrificing widow) are not mutually exclusive, but the widows I talked with made it clear that a woman could usually maintain only two out of the three categories at the same time. A widow could be the beautiful, sexual 54 ­

Stance: For the Family

woman only if she was not also currently a mother. If a widow was a mother, her sexuality had to be hidden and denied. A sexualized woman as wife could also, should also, be a mother, but it would be a complete contradiction of being-ness if she was at the same time a widow. As soon as a woman enters widowhood, one of the other two categories must be given up. All the widows I talked with had consciously, though not necessarily willingly, left sexuality and beauty behind and remained as widowed mothers.

The female state of motherhood, like the sexualized feminine state, is made obvious through the wearing of specific, symbolic jewelry. Upon marriage the wife is adorned with silver toe rings and a marriage thread (necklace) made from black seeds and two gold pendants, which are worn in addition to a woman’s regular jewelry. These physical markers highlight a woman’s auspicious state and good fortune; a married woman never takes them off.

But “if a married woman is auspicious, a widow is inauspicious. . . . All over India, depending on the attire that is accepted for widows, there are rules regarding what a married woman should not wear.”8 It is impossible to be both a married woman and a widow, and the differences in status and state are usually manifested in physical appearance and social ability, actions that are visible to the public.

The women explained to me that widowhood comes in two stages in Visakhapatnam. The first is physical widowhood which happens as soon as a woman’s husband dies. The second, the stage of social widowhood, occurs three to nine days after the funeral. The new widow is taken by night, blindfolded and led down to the ocean by five other widows of her family who will perform the ceremony. When they arrive, a kerosene lamp is lit atop a piece of driftwood, and the blindfold is taken off. The widow is then denuded of her marriage markers: the glass bangles which she has worn since before her marriage are broken from her wrists and thrown into the ocean, the marriage thread is taken off and burned in the lamp’s flame, and her buttu (the dot between the eyebrows that Hindu women wear as a token of beauty and a sign of religious devotion) is rubbed off of her forehead. The lamp is then also thrown into the ocean, and the woman receives a cursory bath with ocean water. The only ornaments that escape destruction are the silver toe rings; she can choose to leave those on if she wishes. The widow is barred from wearing other jewelry for the rest of her life.

The highly symbolic removal of these ornaments is not because a widow is not supposed to be beautiful or take care of her appearance, though that is true enough; they are removed because the widow needs to be separated from womanhood. The removal and denial of ornamentation to widows is denying them the ability to claim or create womanhood in public. And the widow must now deny herself of all comfort, pleasure, and sociality.

Just as the rules and values associated with the sexualized woman had to be reinforced daily through the constant care of appearance, so too are the rules for and status associated with widowhood constantly enforced. All of the We Are Widows

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restrictions placed upon widows serve as stigma symbols, as “signs which are especially effective in drawing attention to [a woman’s debased] identity”.9 These impermanent signs which must be activated daily if they are to have meaning are not employed solely to convey social information, but do convey a widow’s stigma to the rest of the society while apologizing for it at the same time.10 An apology occurs when “an individual splits himself into two parts, the part that is guilty of an offense and the part that dissociates itself from the delict and affirms a belief in the offended rule”.11 When a woman takes part in the remedial activities of social widowhood, she is aligning herself under the undesirable third category of womanhood and reaffirming that it is undesirable at the same time. She is apologizing for being a widow while acting as much as a widow as possible.

Indian widows dwell in a sphere full of historical, political, religious, economic, and social meaning. The requirements that are placed upon the widows (simply because they are widows) are symbolic. They serve as remedial activities to make up for being inauspicious, because they are outside of the correct social model of what a grown woman should be. But even though a widow is placed in a new context with new roles and responsibilities, she is able to create a continuance of self by taking a conscious stand on her new role by utilizing the moral and value system she maintained prior to widowhood.

The third part the individual is split when taking part in remedial activities, the part that either agrees or disagrees with the actions taken, the private, personal self. How that third part regards the apology could reaffirm or alter the meaning of the apology completely. It is this private self that women maintain in the face of social role change which draws upon previous knowledge, experiences, and beliefs to create meaning in social actions. In this way, everything new in a widow’s life becomes a tool for asserting her own identity.

One widow I met named Vannalakshmi, who did not live in the Jalaripeta, held onto her past as a way of explaining the present. Everything that had happened to her family since her husband died was understood by what happened before it: her lack of education, the fact that she grew up with her husband in the same household, the fact that she was taught to stay inside. She used religion as a way of explanation as well—she chose to follow the correct behavior for widows because it was morally right for her to do so. Vannalakshmi did not passively acquiesce to her life, but actively chose to follow the rules laid down for her because she accepted how she was raised and gained comfort from knowing that she fulfilled her role and her responsibilities well.

Kunchamma, a Jalari widow, was more outspoken against the restrictions laid on a widow’s life. Having been widowed for about 10 years, she said that she managed, but still often felt depressed. She didn’t know how to help her family and debated about asking her daughter to stop going to school in order to work. She grew quite heated when discussing her problems: if she eats three meals a day, people will say it is because she is going out to see a man. Traditional women are afraid of widows, she says. Kunchamma clearly saw a widow’s 56 ­

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role as being arbitrarily decided on because of how other people saw widows, not based on their inherent characteristics. By openly stating that she would have liked to get remarried but had stopped herself because she needed to look after her children, Kunchamma refused to let widowhood define who she was or shape her desires. Even though she agreed to follow the widowâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s social code for the sake of her children, she made it clear that her identity was independent of what society said she could and could not be.

These women exemplify the idea that not only is widowhood experienced on the individual level, but it is also comprehended on the personal level through the lens of an already-created self identity. Widows are not passive members of a culture that dictate who they are or what they are allowed to do at each stage of their lives; they take what their culture says about women and interpret it in unique ways to create new realities within which to navigate. To understand widows, it is necessary to comprehend what else they are because when widows lose their husbands, they change societal classifications without losing their old categories. Widows are women, widows were married, and widows are members of castes and classes.

The rite of passage, the widow-making ceremony, is meant to conduct a woman through one stage of social life to the next. But though itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a prevalent ritual which determines how a woman will live the rest of her life, it is largely unsuccessful in fulfilling its purpose. The ritual is meant to strip the markers of femininity away from a woman thereby stripping femininity from her.

But, just as femininity is not a given, so is their identity as a person subject to constant creation and self-manipulation. True, there is a shift in identity when a woman becomes a widow, but it is not a severance from who she was prior to her husbandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s death. A woman upholds this link to her old self by laying a personal gloss over uniform rules regarding all of those in her position. Any differentiation between what the culture says and what a widow thinks is a manifestation of unique personhood that is virtually unchanged in the socially transformative event from wife to widow.

As individual actors, widows give meaning to widowhood by placing it in the context of the rest of their lives. How they approach the role and why they uphold the prescribed behavior and appearance can change the reality of what widowhood is to each of them. By creating reality, these widows are maintaining and reaffirming who they understand themselves to be.

Endnotes 1. Goffman, Erving. 1971. Relations in Public: Microstudies of the Public Order. New York: Basic Books. Pg. 113 2. Chowdry, Prem. 1997. Enforcing Cultural Codes: Gender and Violence in North India.

Economic and Political Weekly 32(19): 1019 3. Dube, Leela. 1988. On the Construction of Gender: Hindu Girls in Patrilineal India. Economic and Political Weekly 23(18):WS-11 4. Kumar, Nita. 1991. Widows, Education and Social Change in Twentieth Century Banaras.

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Economic and Political Weekly 26(17): WS20 5. Beals, Alan. 1974. Village Life in South India. Chicago: Aldine Publishing Company. Pg. 113-114 6. Goffman, Erving. Relations in Public: Microstudies of the Public Order. New York 1971: Basic Books. Pg. 5–11 7. Goffman, Erving. Stigma: Notes on the Management of Spoiled Identity. 1963 New Jersey: Prentice-Hall. Pg. 2 8. Dube, Leela. 1988. On the Construction of Gender: Hindu Girls in Patrilineal India. Economic and Political Weekly 23(18): WS-15 9. Goffman, Erving. Stigma: Notes on the Management of Spoiled Identity. 1963 New Jersey: Prentice-Hall. Pg. 43 10. Goffman, Erving. Stigma: Notes on the Management of Spoiled Identity. 1963 New Jersey: Prentice-Hall. Pg. 46 11. Goffman, Erving. Relations in Public: Microstudies of the Public Order. New York 1971: Basic Books. Pg. 113

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Stance: For the Family

Stance: For the Family was created to encourage students from all disciplines to research and write about the institution of marriage and family. Stance emphasizes the impact that marriage and family have on society, and increase awareness of current issues affecting the family.