Stance for the Family—Winter 2012

Stance

for the Family

Winter 2012

Stance For the Family

Winter 2012

Š 2012 All rights reserved.

Printed in the United States of America by the Brigham Young University Press.

Stance is published semiannually. The contents represent the opinions and beliefs of the authors and not necessarily those of the editors, staff, advisors, Brigham Young University, or its sponsoring institution, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While the editors and staff have checked the contents for accuracy, responsibility remains with the authors for content and sources cited within.

A number of articles included in this issue were originally presented at the Stand for the Family Student Symposium and were first published by the Ruth Institute on their website.

These articles have been reprinted by permission of the Ruth Institute.

Current students are invited to submit manuscripts as well as any questions or comments via e-mail at sftfjournal@gmail.com.

TABLE OF CONTENTS Community Service through 7 the Institution of the Family Jeff Hastings Mom 15 Sarah Andrews A Generation Failing to Commit 21 Rachel Augustus, Alysia Ducuara, and Kelsey Larsen Children with Gender Identity Disorder 31 and Their Parents Jamie and Nathan Smith The Effects of Abortion on Men Kathleen E. Fitzpatrick Rosenbaum

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In Her Footsteps 51 Laura S. Nava Pornography Addiction and the Importance 55 of Healthy Perceptions Tally Harmon Is there Such a Thing as “OK� Fighting in Marriage?

Erin Shaw

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The Challenge of Deployment for Military Families Madeline Todd

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Pornography and Child Molesters 85 Callen E. Snow The Transition to Fatherhood: 95 Key Strategies to Success Kimber Albrechtsen In Considering All Your Choices 103 Tiffany Demings Death Smells Like Vanilla 113 Brooke Emery

Photo courtesy of Caitlin Schwagner

EDITOR’S NOTE I recently had the opportunity to hold my newborn niece. As I admired her adorable face and her tiny, perfect fingers, I reflected on some future day when I will hold my own little baby, the beginning of my own family. I daydream often about my future family; I look forward so much to caring for and playing with my own children.

The importance of standing for the family grows clearer and more insistent as I come closer to this realization.

This issue of Stance for the Family covers several important issues affecting the family today. Topics in this issue include the effects pornography addiction, marriage and

dating, homosexuality, fatherhood, and family service. Some of these topics are rather grim. It’s sometimes disheartening to know that these problems are threatening our families, the most important units of society. Still, we have a slew of resources to help us create a safe environment, a better world, for our families, present and future.

I hope you enjoy this issue of Stance for the Family and find in it the resources you need to strengthen and protect your family.

Caitlin Schwanger Managing Editor

STANCE FOR THE FAMILY STAFF Stance for the Family was created to encourage students from all disciplines to research and write about the institution of marriage and family. Stance emphasizes the impact that marriage and family have on society and increases awareness of current issues affecting the family.

Academic Advisor Dr. Monte Swain Art Director Katie Nelson Production Director Melissa Felli Senior Editors Brittany Bruner Erin Jones Dustin Schwanger Associate Editors Danica Baird Rachel Clawson Tanya Cumberland

Editor in Chief Jonathan J. Reddoch Managing Editor Caitlin Schwanger Assistant Editors Kelsey Allen Adrienne Anderson Katie Cutler Lindsey Dalton AmberLee Hansen Linda Hunt Eve Hart Ashley Kim Mindy Leavitt Dellory Matthews Aly Rutter Emily Smith Brittney Thompson

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COMMUNITY SERVICE THROUGH THE INSTITUTION OF THE FAMILY JEFF HASTINGS

“Parents who volunteer with their children will teach them by example the important values of hard work, charity, sacrifice, and civic responsibility.”

CLOSE TO ELEVEN YEARS AGO my mom, my dad, my little brother, and I loaded up our Astro minivan with landscaping equipment and drove down the street to a widow’s house. It was a Monday evening, and, as a disgruntled teenager, I could think of probably a hundred places I would rather be than with my family, but I will never forget the experience that followed. By traditional standards, it was not a momentous event—just four family members helping a widow with her garden. To me, however, it represented a very significant moment in my life. This experience helped me see what was most valuable to my parents and what kind of person my parents wanted me to become—a person who believed in helping others. Service through the institution of the family has not only made me a better person but can greatly strengthen our families. More specifically, family based service can better our communities, enhance our communication abilities, and improve our physical and mental health.

When families volunteer together in the community, both our communities and our families will experience the benefits. Idealist.org observes, “When families volunteer together, communities and families benefit.

Communities get more hands put on important projects, and family involvement often translates to dedicated, reliable attendance.”2 Families that serve in the community will feel more involved in their community and more committed to its betterment. Furthermore, children of these families are likely to feel more included in their community and consider 7

themselves valuable members of it. Because of this, volunteer work can lead to increases in civic participation. Robert Putnam, in his book, Bowling Alone, argues that involvement in volunteer-based community associations helps build bonds of trust and encourages involvement in civic activities.3 The Duke School of Law has presented research showing a correlation between volunteer work and civic participation in high school seniors: “Data from Monitoring the Future, a periodic survey of high school seniors in the United States, suggest that volunteering can promote not only favorable attitudes but also good citizenship practices. Students who volunteered were more likely to be engaged in a variety of conventional political behaviors, such as voting and working on a political campaign, than those who did not volunteer.”4 By serving in the community together, families will become more civically engaged and responsible together.

Community service also prepares children to be leaders and positive examples in the community.5 Nancy Jackson, of Parenthood.com, notes that volunteer service gives children priceless experience and teaches them valuable skills: “From the environment and animals to the homeless and disaster victims, there are enough opportunities available to keep volunteers learning something new with every service experience. By volunteering, your kids will not only make a difference in their community, but they will also become more aware of the diverse individuals and needs that make up that community.”6 Volunteer work has a spillover effect; families that volunteer encourage others in their community to volunteer. According to an Idealist.org article, “When one family volunteers, it can be a tremendous example to other families, fostering a sense of community responsibility and perhaps even mobilizing others to contribute their time and skills toward improving the community.”7 In a world full of negative examples, families that volunteer in the community can serve as positive and inspirational examples.

Children volunteers become lifelong volunteers. Cordelia Hamilton, of HowStuffWorks.com, writes, “Studies also show that people who volunteer at a young age will continue to volunteer as adults.”8 Community service as a family is an excellent means of cultivating values. Parents who volunteer with their children will teach them by example the important values of hard work, charity, sacrifice, and civic responsibility. In the words of helpguide.org, “By giving back to the community, you show them firsthand how volunteering makes a difference and how good it feels to help others and enact change. It’s also a valuable way for you to get to know organizations in the community and find resources and activities for your children and family.”9 8

Because of their special relationship with their children, parents are in an excellent position to customize the type of service that serves the needs, abilities, and interests of the family. For instance, a family with young children can perform maintenance work or grounds-keeping work at a local park and afterwards enjoy a family picnic. Families with specialneeds children can volunteer for the Special Olympics. In today’s economy, volunteer work can serve as a fun, relatively inexpensive, and healthy family activity.10 Kidshealth.org advises their readers, “Many people say they don’t have the time to volunteer after fulfilling work and family commitments. If that’s the case, try rethinking some of your free time as a family.

You could select just one or two projects a year and make them a family tradition.”11 In our information age, the opportunities for family service are numerous enough to fit our busy family schedules and diverse enough to significantly enrich our families.

Community service can counteract some of the influences that weaken our families and harm our children. Volunteering gives youth a positive and structured environment where compliance with rules leads to beneficial consequences. This may, as some evidence suggests, lead to a decrease “Community service can in juvenile delinquency.12 Wilson and counteract some of the Musick contend, “In short, these studies indicate that volunteering can inhibit influences that weaken anti-social behavior, albeit to a modest our families and harm degree . . . It exposes young people to our children.” informal social controls and supervision. It might also be the case that volunteering teaches young people prosocial values that impose normative constraints on delinquent behavior.”13 As a result, volunteer work can greatly aid families in their efforts to teach their children respect and responsibility.

Community service can lead to improvements in physical health.14 Studies have shown that volunteers improve their cardiovascular health, their mental functioning, and their general sense of well-being.15 Summarizing the information on the subject, Wilson and Musick of the Duke University School of Law observe, “A number of recent studies give clear indications that there are physical health benefits to volunteering . . . they permit the conclusion that volunteering is causing good health, rather than that healthy people are volunteering more.”16 Families that volunteer together will be happier and healthier together.

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Families that serve together are likely to communicate better—both with each other and with members of the community. Kidshealth.org actively encourages families to perform service together because “volunteerism is a great way for families to have fun and feel closer.”17 Community service improves the participant’s interpersonal communication abilities, fosters feelings of trust, and may also lead to improvements in mental health.18 Canadian researchers discovered that 79 percent of volunteers “said that their volunteer activities helped them with their interpersonal skills, such as understanding people better, motivating others, and dealing with difficult situations.”19 They further reported that, “just over two thirds (68%) of volunteers said that volunteering helped them to develop better commu“Service ‘fosters a benication skills. Sixty-three percent reported increased knowledge about issues lief in the individual related to their volunteering.”20 Better that he or she can communication means better families. I make a difference...’” asked one couple how they felt after they had performed service as a family. They responded, “It was excellent—it was good to strengthen our family and our marriage.”21 Community service, thus, improves communication skills, which, in turn, strengthen families and marriages.

Family service is an effective and relatively inexpensive way for parents to help their children overcome depression and develop healthy selfesteem. Wilson and Musick list several reasons for volunteering’s ability to decrease depression. First, it creates a sense of belonging. Volunteering gives participants a chance to interact with other people in a positive atmosphere and, consequently, minimizes social isolation. Second, “providing help, even to a generalized other, as in formal volunteering, is a self-validating experience. In certain settings, it can foster trust and intimacy and encourage the provider to anticipate that reciprocal help will be forthcoming when it is needed.”22 Lastly, it gives volunteers a sense of satisfaction and personal achievement derived from the fact they have made the world a better place. Service “fosters a belief in the individual that he or she can make a difference and thus enhances personal efficacy. Volunteering provides a sense of control over one’s life and one’s environment, thereby alleviating depression.”23 Wilson and Musick conclude that volunteering is an effective means of minimizing depression: “Given that these are analyses of changes in depression as a result of prior volunteering, they provide 10

strong evidence to support the view that becoming a volunteer can have beneficial consequences on subjective well-being.”24 At the same time that service eases feelings of depression, it can also strengthen self-esteem. Nancy Jackson writes, “Children who give their time and energy to a worthy cause learn that they can make a difference in the world, and that, naturally, makes them feel good.”25 Similarly, Angela Oswalt of Volunteer Behavioral Health explains, “As children see their contributions, creative ideas, and hard work having a powerful impact on other people’s lives, they begin to feel useful and valuable.”26 Family based service can give children confidence in their abilities and satisfaction in their positive contributions.

In short, then, community service builds bonds of trust between its participants, encourages participation in civic matters, increases interpersonal skills, reduces depression, and helps people gain a healthy self-esteem.

To these benefits we may add the lessons of sacrifice and service that come from giving one’s time and effort for a good cause. David Kenyon Webster once said, “Those things which are precious are saved only by sacrifice.”27 All of these are factors that strengthen family values. Indeed, one could even say these are essential characteristics of strong families. Family based service, therefore, can tremendously benefit the family.

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END NOTES 1. “Service Quotes,” Brainy Quote from BookRags Media Network, accessed on May 20, 2011, http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/ keywords/service_2. html#ixzz1Mx2CDQha. 2. “Volunteer Resource Center: Volunteer Work for the Whole Family,” Action Without Borders, accessed October 10, 2011, http://www. idealist.org/info/Volunteer/Family/ Whole.

3. Robert Putnam, Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community (New York: Simon and Schudster, 2000).

4. John Wilson and Marc Musick, “The Effects of Volunteering on the Volunteer,” Law and Contemporary Problems 62 (Autumn 1999): 141. Although these studies are encouraging, the possibility of self-selection bias (in this case, those who were more likely to participate in civic affairs were also more likely to give community service) was not completely ruled out.

5. Ibid.

6. “6 Reasons Why Your Family Should Volunteer,” Nancy Mann Jackson, accessed on October 10, 2011, http://www.parenthood.com/ article-topics/6_reasons_why_your_ family_should_volunteer.html. In this article, Jackson extensively quotes Mary Reed Durkin, executive director of First Look, a Birmingham, Alabama organization dedicated to getting young people involved in community service.

7. “Volunteer Resource Center,” Action Without Borders.

8. Cordelia Hamilton, “How Volunteer Opportunities Work,” HowStuffWorks, Inc, accessed October 10, 2011, http://money.howstuffworks. com/economics/volunteer/opportunities/family-volunteer-opportunities2.htm.

9. “Volunteering and Its Surprising Benefits,” http://helpguide.org/life/volunteer_opportunities_benefits_volunteering.htm. accessed November 5, 2011 10. Cordelia Hamilton, “How Volunteer Opportunities Work,” HowStuffWorks, Inc, accessed October 10, 2011, http://money.howstuffworks. com/economics/volunteer/opportunities/ family-volunteer-opportunities2.htm.

11. “Community Service: A Family’s Guide to Getting Involved, accessed May 19, 2011, http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/volunteer.html#.

12. John Wilson and Marc Musick, “The Effects of Volunteering on the Volunteer,” Law and Contemporary Problems 62 (Autumn 1999): 149–50.

13. Ibid.

14. “Gaining Health While Giving Back to the Community,” Johns Hopkins Medicine, last modified April 6, 2004, http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/Press_releases/2004/04_06_04.html.

15. “Improve Your Health: Volunteer,” Linda Foster, CarePages Incorporated, accessed November 2, 2011 16. Wilson and Musick, “The Effects of Volunteering on the Volunteer,” 141.

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17. “Community Service: A Family’s Guide to Getting Involved.”

18. “The Benefits of Volunteering,” National Survey of Giving, Volunteering, and Participating, Canadian Centre for Philanthropy, last modified September 6, 2009, http:// www.givingandvolunteering.ca/files/giving/en/factsheets/benefits_of_volunteering. pdf.

For more information on their research methodologies, see http://www.givingandvolunteering.ca/about_csgvp. The number of volunteer hours matters. In the Canadian study, the percentage of participants who believed their service improved their communication skills increased with the number of service hours. 52 percent of those who worked 1–19 hours in a year believed their communication skills had improved, 66 percent of those who worked 20–71 hours believed their communication skills had improved, 74 percent of those who worked 72–187 hours believed their communication skills had improved, and 78 percent of those who worked more than 188 hours believed their communication skills had improved.

19. Ibid.

20. Ibid.

21. Survey. Jeff Hastings. Finished May 19, 2011. I also want to thank my two friends Cody Jessop and Chris Haws for assisting me in administering this survey.

22. Wilson and Musick, “The Effects of Volunteering on the Volunteer,” 160.

23. Ibid.

24. Ibid.

25. Ibid.

26. Angela Oswalt, “Volunteer Service,” reviewed by Dombeck, Mark PhD, http://www. vbhcs.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=37630&cn=96. accessed November 22, 2011.

27. Sacrifice. http://thinkexist.com/quotations/sacrifice/2.html. accessed June 6, 2011 For more information on volunteering, see: http://www.thevolunteerfamily.org http://www.coyotecommunications.com/stuff/family.shtml http://family-life.familieswithpurpose.com/2005/11/28/volunteer-opportunities-forfamilies/

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MOM SARAH ANDREWS

“I came to realize that I needed her. I came to realize that she had always been there for me, but that I had refused to need her before.”

MY MOTHER AND I WERE never friends. We were more like roommates who got stuck with each other and simply learned to not get in each other’s way. We had learned that talking to each other usually turned into a fight, so we avoided it as much as possible. In order to achieve this, I spent a lot of time in my room reading. Upon approaching my senior year of high school, I had limited our communication to only when I needed something. For instance, the summer before school started, I had one thing on my mind: getting a car. As my first day working at Tropical Smoothie neared, I decided to bring up the subject with my parents. I sat on one end of our maroon couch; my parents were on the other end. My father had his arm around my mother; they usually were not so affectionate. My brothers were on the other couch messing around, not paying attention. I decided to break the ice.

“So, what am I going to do for transportation to work?”

“You’ll have a car, Sarah.”

My father’s quick consent was too easy and came across in the wrong tone. His voice was weak and low. Normally he would look at me before telling me something like this, with his eyes wide open and a smile he was failing to contain, knowing that he was going to make me happy. But he did not say it like he was happy; his voice was shaking as if he had been trying to get this simple sentence out all day. His eyes were focused right on me, but it was as if I was not really there. His gray eyes had a way of 15

shining a hint of blue when he was happy or excited. On this evening, his eyes lacked luster.

I remember the yellow shirt I was wearing. I remember how my hair was tied back in a lazy bun. I remember how I was sitting with my legs folded in front of me, confining my body into as small a space as it could be folded into on that maroon couch. Suddenly everything went quiet.

I started to feel cold and my stomach felt empty. I tightened my arms around my legs.

Nathan sat sunken into the sofa with his eyes focused on the ceiling, waiting for this family meeting to be over with. If he knew that something bad was coming, he did not care. Jared, limbs flying in every direction, leapt off the couch. Then he pulled himself back on. He did this repetitively as the rest of us waited. My mother turned her head up to my father, her lips tense, her cheeks sucked in, her eyes filled with worry, as if to say, “You tell them.”

“I’m going to Afghanistan,” my dad said. Then he looked at me with a trembling smile and said, “That means you can use my car for the year.”

My father’s unselfish, constant attempts to please me would always be why I loved him, but at this moment they made me feel so guilty. My thoughts were already stirring into a mix of missing my father and worrying about his safety. It killed me to think that he did not know how important he was to me. His constant attempts to please me angered my mother as well, but she channeled it toward me rather than him. She looked at me with contempt, but knowing the guilt I felt, she flashed a hint of triumph in her expression. My guilt was her drug.

I did not cry. I went for a walk. The tall, green Virginia trees that usually captivated my mind were not there that day. I couldn’t hear the birds or the neighborhood dogs that would normally bark at me from the boundaries of their electric fences. The moist air that normally engulfed my skin felt like nothing that day. My body was numbed into a state of apathy. My physical state became secondary to my concern for what had just occurred. My desire for a car now seemed juvenile.

My thoughts took me to a few months before, when I decided to get a job. This was the first time I brought up the idea of getting a car. From my mother came the immediate and emphatic “no.” However, my father listened. He humored me by looking at car ads, reviewing my finances, and speaking rationally about the decision. As I remembered this, I realized that the coming year would be difficult without my father to balance my mother’s quick judgments. He had been the only true ally in my family, and now he was not going to be there.

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When my father left, I tried my best to act like everything was normal. I would distract myself with work and school, and I joined some after-school clubs. I spent any free time I had with my friends so that I was never home. I helped to relieve the extra workload that my father’s absence provided, but I still avoided interaction with my mother as much as I could. Sometimes I even drove around the block a few times before coming inside the house, just to be sure she was asleep by the time I got home. I was not going to give her the chance to use the time my father was away to get close to me. It would only lead to more conflict. Some nights when I came home late, my mother sat in her bedroom at the top of the stairs.

She was barely visible through the crack “As I remembered in the double French doors. I passed by her bedroom without making eye conthis, I realized that tact. I uttered a muffled “hi” as I turned the coming year away from those double French doors. would be difficult This was the usual extent of our daily communication. without my faMy mother seemed to realize, as I ther to balance my had done, that it was harder to invoke mother’s quick judgher power over me when I was never around. If I was not there she had no ments. He had been opportunities to win our arguments. For the only true ally in this reason she changed her game plan. my family, and now She began to ground me for being out too much on the weekends—her way he was not going to of demonstrating that she could punish be there.” me for any reason she wanted—and it was out of my power. I can still see the winning smile that would emerge on her face when I wanted to go out with my friends to a movie. As I pulled out my keys, determined to leave no matter what she wanted, she pulled out the wining card: “It’s my car, and you cannot use it.” She had morphed the car that was supposed to be my freedom into a tool to reclaim her power over me. I had to be home more often. The more we were around each other the more I resented her, knowing that our time together was out of her own spite. Many nights I sat on the maroon couch watching a movie. She sat on the other couch across the room with as much space between us as possible. Not daring to look anywhere else, I focused on the screen for so long that my eyes began to burn. We said nothing.

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To make my year worse, I found out I had to have surgery. It was a minor surgery with very minimal risk, but it did require a lot more time with my mother because it was not yet legal for me to go to the doctor by myself. The long car rides with my mother began. I would turn up the radio and sit listening to the music by myself, determined to face forward and not open up to my mother. I knew she wanted me to tell her all I was feeling, and she wanted me to tell her about boys so that she could use it against me. The last time I tried telling her something, it was a brief conversation that did not end well: “How is school going?” she asked.

“I’m having a hard time in calculus. I just cannot seem to follow my teacher.”

“Well, I know you and you need to pay better attention. You probably are “Whatever I told falling asleep and not listening.” her, she would tell Whatever I told her, she would tell me that I had done me that I had done wrong and try to make me feel guilty about my deciwrong and try to sions. She said she was trying to help make me feel guilty me, but I knew better. I had learned about my decisions. that lesson the hard way, and I was not She said she was try- going to fall for it again. Then one day my mother turned the radio off. ing to help me, but I I turned it back on. knew better.”

“I just hate that kind of music,” she said, and turned it off again. I decided to let it go and not start an argument about it, since that is what she wanted. I supposed my mother preferred the awkward silence to the music, and I decided to let her win this battle.

Then she did something unexpected.

“I think Jared has been really affected by your father being gone,” she told me. It was unusual for her to tell me things that were on her mind.

“I don’t think so,” I said. I was going to shut her down. I was not going to agree with her no matter what she said. She was not going to draw me in like this.

When the day of the surgery came, my mother brought a book and sat in the waiting room the entire time. When I woke up from the anesthesia, she was there waiting for me. I was too drugged to think anything of it, but when I got home things started to change.

I was confined to the maroon couch. The next day was Thanksgiving, and my mother was taking my brothers to a neighbor’s house. I was not in 18

the condition to go anywhere. All that my mother was supposed to bring was mashed potatoes, but on the morning of Thanksgiving, I heard a lot of clanging in the kitchen. The oven was being opened and shut. The beaters on the blender were drilling in unison, mixing up something that clearly needed more beating than mashed potatoes. I could not fathom why my mother would cook more than she needed to on a day like Thanksgiving.

Before my family left, my mother brought me a plate on the couch.

She had dished up some of her delicious stuffing and mashed potatoes.

She knew how much I liked her stuffing.

“There’s also a chocolate pie in the fridge,” she told me. Chocolate pie. I started to question her intentions. Maybe she was not engrossed in a twisted game of manipulation in which she tried to win control of my mind. Perhaps when she was turning off the radio, it was because she simply wanted to talk to me. Maybe when she grounded me it was her desperate move to get me to stay home to be with her. Maybe I was playing this mind game alone.

After the holidays, I started working less. I got home from school about mid-day, long before my brothers would get home. It was just my mom and I. It started with her lunch group. She invited me to join her and her friends for their monthly lunches out together. I now realize how often she bribed me with food in exchange for time with me. Then the lunches became weekly even though her group met once a month. Then we began to top off the lunches with some shopping or a movie. Sunday nights my mom and I started watching movies together, not in cold silence but with light conversation. Then one day I found out that I had done extremely well on one of my AP tests. My mother had not been so proud of me in a long time, and she took me out to lunch. I was so glad to have someone to share this moment with.

With my father gone, I had to start experiencing the excitement of my senior year with my mother. When I got my senior pictures taken, she was there. When I got accepted into college, she was there. When I spent weeks studying for AP tests, she was there. When I went shopping for dorm materials, she was there. I came to realize that I needed her. I came to realize that she had always been there for me, but that I had refused to need her before. I could no longer pretend with my father away. After my father left, I found her.

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A GENERATION FAILING TO COMMIT RACHEL AUGUSTUS, ALYSIA DUCUARA, AND KELSEY LARSEN

“A culture of dating that is characterized by a failure to commit affects marriage and family.”

THE AGES OF EIGHTEEN TO twenty-five have become “a distinct and separate life stage, a strange, transitional never-never land between adolescence and adulthood in which people stall for a few extra years, [postponing] . . . adult responsibility.”1 This new stage of life has been defined as “emerging adulthood.”2 With this change there are substantial differences between previous and current generations’ definitions of and transitions into adulthood. In the past, marriage was a rite of passage in growing up. It was expected that children would leave and set up their own households.3 However, these pressures have essentially disappeared. The process of becoming an adult is now often seen as a transition from being cared for by others, such as parents, to being able to care for one’s self. In contrast, marital readiness is seen as a transition from being responsible for one’s self to being able to care for others, such as a spouse or children.4 Thus, marriage is now viewed as a final and eventual developmental step in adulthood rather than the essential component.

In addition to changing expectations in adulthood there have been changing expectations in dating patterns. Across college campuses, traditional dating is becoming a thing of the past. Defining a date was not hard long ago: “Men and women went out together on a planned activity, in which most often the man initiated the date, picked the woman up, and paid for any expenses.”5 It was a culture of courting: dating to find a partner and then marrying him or her. However, according to a recent national

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college survey, only half of the female subjects reported having been on six or more dates during their entire college career, and one-third of the women had been on two or fewer dates during college.6 In an essay for the New York Times, Joel Walkowski stated, “I’m not sure I know anyone who has ever had a real date.”7 Instead of dating, college students have turned to “hanging out,” which is when mixed groups spend time together in a variety of settings.

At Brigham Young University (BYU), 97 percent of students hang out at least once a week, and 28 percent of BYU men hang out six or more times a week.8 Speaking to BYU students, Dallin H. Oaks described why this new trend is significant: “Dating involves commitments, if only for a few hours. Hanging out requires no commitments.”9 Hanging out is not just a different way of spending time with the opposite gender—it is a noncommittal way of doing so.

A culture of dating that is characterized by a failure to commit affects marriage and family. This is concerning because marriage has many positive outcomes for men, women, and children. Marriages are related to better financial outcomes, physical health, and psychological well-being for couples and children.10 If dating habits continue to move toward a pattern of less commitment, marriages will be significantly affected.

Thus, it is critical to consider what is deterring young adults from making commitments.

Research on dating shows the reasons why men will not commit in relationships to be related to fears or to changes in society.11 Included on the list were wanting to avoid divorce and financial risks, wanting to wait until they are older or until they have a house, and fearing that marriage will require too much change and compromise. Although fears of rejection, responsibility, and mistakes have always influenced dating decisions, with the changed expectations of today’s dating culture, they have led to a generation failing to commit.

FEAR OF REJECTION The fear of rejection is one reason today’s generation avoids commitment.

Ellen McCarthy stated that “the potential for a broken heart is one of the biggest drawbacks to traditional dating.”12 Young adults want positive dating experiences while also avoiding rejection, so they turn to hanging out.

Psychologist Stephen W. Simpson epitomized this fear with a humorous statement: “Something scares you . . . something makes your palms sweat and your pulse hit triple digits: asking someone out on a date.”13 The stereotypical young man of our parents’ generation worked to gather the 22

courage to call a girl and ask her on a date. When he was finally confident enough to ask her out, he would dial her number and hang up several times before finally talking to the young lady. In today’s generation, it is no longer expected that a man must ask a woman out formally. Cell phones have changed societal norms by allowing texting to replace verbal invitations, making young adults feel like there is less of a risk of being rejected.

Confusing transitions and miscommunication can lead to mismatched levels of dedication and commitment in a relationship, and ultimately to rejection. The most common way a couple transitions to dating is through increasing the time they spend to“Consequently, the very gether.14 Other ways of transitioning relationship styles used include talking about dating, increased in an attempt to avoid physical intimacy, and letting it “just happen.” However, dating relationships rejection are often at formed through nonverbal communicathe root of the failed tion often lead to misaligned interpretarelationship.” tions and expectations. Each person is required to judge the seriousness of the current relationship given only his or her past experiences and nonverbal cues as guides. Consequently, the very relationship styles used in an attempt to avoid rejection are often at the root of the failed relationship.

Young adults fear breaking up and heartbreak just as much, if not more, than they fear initial rejection. Rejection of this type is common across BYU and other college campuses. About 40 percent of BYU students were in a relationship they felt had promise and was progressing toward marriage.15 However, within one semester, half of the students interviewed had broken up with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Fearing the end of such relationships, college students may choose to avoid the commitment required in dating and instead focus on hanging out.

FEAR OF RESPONSIBILITY Along with the fear of rejection, the fear of responsibility has contributed to the current generation’s failure to commit. On BYU campus, one-third of students report fear of responsibility as a factor influencing them to delay marriage.16 Almost that many express a fear of parenthood as a reason.

The desire to establish a career is given by 22 percent of women and 29 percent of men as an influence in delaying marriage. Almost 50 percent of the women list a desire to finish school as a factor in marriage delay, while 23

26 percent of the men give this reason. To assuage these fears, marriage is delayed to allow time to become established and prepared.

This fear of responsibility is not unfounded. Marriage requires individuals to change and compromise. The freedom to make financial decisions such as changing jobs, buying a house, and using a budget is limited.

Anxieties about being prepared financially for marriage are not new.

Traditionally, men were required to prove their ability to make a living and provide for a family by at least working on education and training for a stable career before they would take on the responsibilities of a family.17 However, today this has become exaggerated. Men want to be financially “set” before they marry.18 Today, financial independence prior to marriage has become a goal for women as well. Women are just as committed as men to making it on their own and getting a place of their own before marriage.19 In some ways, they are even more determined to be able to take care of themselves.

One young woman explained that in ten years she would like to be selfsufficient so she does not have to rely on anyone. Another explained that it was important for a woman to work so that she knows, “I can leave, I don’t have to put up with nonsense.”20 Commitment to a relationship falls secondary to financial independence.

Those who desire to delay marriage to allow time for completing education, gaining financial stability, or maturing often turn away from traditional dating. When asked what the worst thing was about dating at BYU, one student said, “Probably getting into a situation where [I] might have to make a commitment. ‘Cause [sic] right now, I’m not ready to get married. That’s for sure.”21 To avoid commitment, these young adults focus on low-obligation relationships such as those found in hangingout settings.

FEAR OF MISTAKES Another fear that suggests a shift away from marriage and plagues today’s young adults is the fear of mistakes. To ensure a happy marriage many young adults desire to date and marry the perfect person. This is described as the Cinderella and glass slipper syndrome, which has caused havoc in the dating arena.22 Instead of traditional dating and committed relationships, many wait around for Prince Charming or break up after having a problem without working through it. However, young adults need to stop judging and looking at the faults of others, and then being afraid to commit, because of these inadequacies.23 Because of the common tendency to have a list of “musts” for the ideal partner, men and women put off dating until that list is met.

24

Intended to be a list to avoid future mistakes and divorce, it instead is a list that diminishes the importance of trust and commitment.

One of the greatest mistakes today’s generation wants to avoid is divorce. Today’s generation has grown up in the divorce revolution that started in the 1970s and 1980s.24 Divorce has increased rapidly; almost half of current marriages end in divorce.25 Children of failed marriages or non-marriages are now among the many young adults who fear marriage and the subsequent risk of divorce. Due to the experiences of growing up with problems between their parents and surrounded with examples of divorce, they have no model for success“‘Looking out for ful relationships and have a minimized number one’ correctly capacity to trust and love. One young describes the current adult said he could sufficiently describe a bad marriage, but could only describe mind-set of young those who have a good marriage as “the adults.” opposite of my parents.”26 Additionally, young adults have begun to see the first wave of divorces among their friends.27 This fear of divorce has greatly affected the dating culture. Sixty percent of BYU students listed the fear of making a mistake as the number one reason for delay in marriage.28 Today’s young adults, “enter into relationships guardedly and tentatively; [and] for good reason, they believe that they must always be looking out for number one.”29 “Looking out for number one” correctly describes the current mind-set of young adults. As a result, many young adults do not engage in starting serious relationships because committing to another means becoming vulnerable to that person.

They are concerned for and want to protect themselves from making any mistakes that could lead to unwanted consequences, which leads to less committed dating styles such as those found in hanging out.

Changes need to be made to help today’s uncommitted young adults.

After completing a study on current trends in dating, Norval Glenn and Elizabeth Marquardt gave several recommendations intended to help change dating for young adults: (1) adults should have important roles in guiding courting and mating practices of the young; (2) despite actions suggesting otherwise, men and women should understand that college women typically desire long-term commitment; (3) men need to take a greater initiative in dating relationships; and (4) socially prescribed rules and norms relevant to and appropriate for this generation need to be created.30 Such changes would alter the expectations of society and provide a solid 25

framework for young adults to work in. The current generation would then be able to recognize and overcome the fears that have made them fail to commit.

If such changes are not implemented, today’s young generation will continue to avoid commitment. With changes in societal norms, dating expectations, and personal goals, young adults have been allowed to give in to their fears of rejection, responsibility, and mistakes—leaving a generation failing to commit.

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END NOTES 1. L. Grossman, “Grow Up? Not So Fast,” Time (January 16, 2005), http://www.time. com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1018089,00.html 2. J. J. Arnett, “Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from the Late Teens through the Twenties,” (New York: Oxford University Press, 2004).

3. B. Whitehead and D. Popenoe, “Why Men Won’t Commit: Exploring Young Men’s Attitudes About Sex, Dating and Marriage,” in The National Marriage Project, The State of Our Unions 2002 – The Social Health of Marriage in America (Piscataway, NJ: Rutgers, The State University, 2002), 6–16.

4. J. S. Carroll, S. Badger, B. Willoughby, L. J. Nelson, S. D. Madsen, and C. M. Barry, “Ready or Not? Criteria for Marriage Readiness among Emerging Adults,” Journal of Adolescent Research 24, (2009): 349–375.

5. N. Glenn and E. Marquardt, Hooking up, Hanging out, and Hoping for Mr. Right (New York, NY: Institute for American Values, 2001), 24.

6. Ibid.

7. Joel Walkowski, “Let’s Not Get to Know Each Other Better,” New York Times, 2008, http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/08/fashion/08love.html.

8. B. A. Chadwick, B. L. Top, R. J. McClendon, L. Smith, and M. Judd, “A Survey of Dating and Marriage at BYU,” BYU Studies 46, no. 3 (2007), 67–89.

9. Dallin H. Oaks, “The Dedication of a Lifetime,” (presentation, CES Fireside Broadcast, May 1, 2005), http://www.lds.org/broadcast/ces/Oaks_000_2005.pdf.

10. Institute for American Values, Why Marriage Matters: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences, 2nd ed. (New York, New York, 2005).

11. Glenn and Marquardt, Hooking up.

12. Ellen McCarthy, “More College Students Hook up Than Actually Date, But Most Prefer to Date,” Washington Post (2010), http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/ article/2010/05/07/AR2010050702755.html.

13. Steven W. Simpson, “Dating vs. Hanging Out,” Threads (August 20, 2009), http:// threadsmedia.com/life/article/dating-vs-hanging-out/.

14. Chadwick, “A Survey of Dating.”

15. Ibid.

16 . Ibid.

17. The National Marriage Project, “Sex without Strings; Relationships without Rings” (2000), http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/print_sexwithoutstrings.pdf.

18. Whitehead and Popenoe, “Why Men Won’t Commit,” 6–16.

19. National, “Sex without Strings.”

20. Glenn and Marquardt, Hooking up, 56.

27

21. N. C. McLaughlin, “Managing Desires: Styles of Latter-day Saint Male Returned Missionaries,” in Latter-day Courtship Patterns (Lanham, MD: University Press of America, 2007), 80.

22. B. A. Chadwick, “Hanging out, Hooking Up, and Celestial Marriage,” (presentation, BYU Devotional Speech, May 7, 2002), http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader. php?id=600.

23. Ibid.

24. The National Marriage Project, The State of Our Unions 2002 – The Social Health of Marriage in America. (Piscataway, NJ: Rutgers, The State University, 2002).

25. The National Marriage Project, The State of Our Unions 2007 – The Social Health of Marriage in America, (Piscataway, NJ: Rutgers, The State University, 2007).

26. Chadwick, “A Survey of Dating,” 87.

27. National, The State of Our Unions 2002.

28. Chadwick, “A Survey of Dating.”

29. L. R. Kass, “The End of Courtship,” The Culture Wars 5, no. 48 (2005), http://www. nationalaffairs.com/doclib/20080709_19971264theendofcourtshipleonrkass.pdf.

30. Glenn and Marquardt, Hooking up.

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&

CHILDREN WITH GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER AND THEIR PARENTS JAMIE AND NATHAN SMITH

“Social rejection can exacerbate existing conditions and also encourage deviant behavior.�

GENDER IS A DEFINING ELEMENT of our personal and social identity and in many ways serves as a script for how we behave in situations. Families and individuals can suffer when gender is ambiguous or does not match with sexual or genetic characteristics. People who are genetically or physically male or female but who feel or wish they were the opposite gender are considered to have gender identity disorder (GID).

It is common in young children, especially before they learn gender roles or go through the physical changes of puberty, to exhibit cross-gender behaviors. In a study of regular preschool children, researchers found that 6.6% of 106 boys and 4.9% of 101 girls showed preference for crossgender activities and as a result received more negative reactions from both peers and teachers.1 Interestingly enough, these percentages seem to match other estimated rates of GID in children.2 Still, it is important to note that although most adult transsexuals exhibited cross-gender behavior as children, there is at best a weak correlation between childhood GID and adult GID,3 suggesting that most cross-gender behavior does not continue into adulthood. What then qualifies a child for having a gender identity disorder? Young children must exhibit extreme gender confusion, which may include persistent discomfort with their gender, and an insistence and desire for cross-gender identification.4 Parents and adults should be informed about how best to help a child with GID or GID-like symptoms.

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CHILDREN WITH GENDER IDENTITY DISORDER Biological and Social Factors Biology does play a role in children with GID, but there is also a strong correlation between environmental factors and childhood GID. In a study done in the Netherlands, identical twins exhibited more cross-gender behaviors than fraternal twins.5 The study estimated that 70 percent of the cross-gender behavior was accounted for by genes; this might suggest a large genetic factor, but as noted in the study, the expression of genetic tendencies was ultimately directed by environmental factors. For example, girls in the study showed more cross-gender behavior if their twin was a girl than if their twin was a boy. Other studies also show a strong heritable component in childhood GID.6 Research has suggested that family and social environments are responsible for shaping gender role schemas.7 As gender is primarily a societal distinction, it seems intuitive that environmental factors should play a large role in gender identification.

Most children develop a rigid gender “Daughters of mothrole schema between the ages of five ers who worked outside and six, but these roles become more flexible over time as children become the home demonstrated more comfortable with gender norms.8 a greater flexibility in This early period of rigidity, where a regards to gender role child metaphorically sees gender roles in black and white, is short lived. The identification.” same study that places the development of rigid gender role schema between the ages of five and six also suggests that gender role identification occurs in phases across developmental periods and that a younger child’s rigidity is not necessarily predictive of their final gender identity.9

Levy looked at the influence of parents and siblings on gender role flexibility, gender role schematization, and gender role knowledge in children.10 Gender role knowledge was measured by asking the child to correctly identify gender-appropriate toys and television shows. One of the study’s most important observations was that children who interacted more frequently with a parent of the same sex exhibited greater gender role knowledge. Daughters of mothers who worked outside the home demonstrated a greater flexibility in regards to gender role identification. Simply put, children learn gender roles from interactions with adults around them.

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Comorbidity An interesting line of research links childhood GID to other mental disorders.11 In one study, more than half (52 percent) of children with GID also had other mental disorders.12 In another study, children with GID were found to have more behavioral problems than control groups.13 Although this rate of comorbidity may seem high, it is still lower than the comorbidity rates of other childhood disorders such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). The high comorbidity might suggest either that GID is associated with specific brain dysfunction resulting from genetic deficiencies which affects other areas of cognitive functioning, or that environmental factors resulting from GID encourage other kinds of aberrant behavior.

In particular, the externalizing behaviors of boys with GID may contribute to their social rejection.14 Social rejection can exacerbate existing conditions and also encourage deviant behavior. Individuals who displayed gender-atypical behavior as children often manifested psychiatric symptoms as adults.15

GID in Female Children The stress a family may experience as the result of having a child with GID is in large part dependent upon the perceptions of the family regarding the disorder. Surveyed parents and adults report that it is more acceptable for girls to display cross-gender behaviors and perceive it as less worrisome.16 When a girl defies gender norms and exhibits typically masculine behavior, she is less likely to be referred to a psychologist and also less likely to experience negative peer interactions as a result of the cross-gender behavior.17 After all, in our society it is accepted for girls to wear pants but not for boys to wear dresses.

There is limited research concerning girls with gender identity disorder, probably because so many more boys are referred to clinics.18 The DSMIV’s subcommittee on gender identity disorder for children found that in samples of children diagnosed with GID, boys are referred to clinics six to eight times more often than girls.19 Boys are more likely to be referred for gender dysphoria than girls at a rate 6.6 to 1.20 For every one female transsexual, there are three male transsexuals.21 The large numbers of males who struggle with gender identity disorder make it easier to find a representative sample, whereas the samples for females have historically been too small to encourage significant research specific to that gender. Thus, much of the research on girls with GID is in the context of comparing groups of girls to boys,22 and does not directly address the specific effects of GID on females.

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GID in Male Children Although lesbian mothers perceive boys’ cross-gender behavior as less serious,23 most adults and parents think it is worse for a boy to show cross-gender behavior and characteristics than it is for a girl.24 Many studies confirm that boys who show cross-gender behavior and characteristics are more likely to be rejected by their peers, and sometimes their parents.25 Families may perceive that GID is worse for a boy because of society’s stricter norms and rules for males. Research suggests that boys with GID may suffer more negative effects than girls.26 Thus the gender of the child may also add to overall familial stress, compounding anxiety and dysfunction.

Mothers reported that their child with GID had significantly poorer peer relations compared to their siblings without GID, and that boys with GID had especially poor peer relations.27 Boys with GID were more depressed and had an increased risk of both suicidal ideation and of dropping out of school early.28 Intense peer rejection may contribute to the high numbers of adolescents with GID who drop out of school or contemplate suicide. The effects carry on into adulthood, as early patterns of peer rejection predicted adult attachment anxiety.29 Due to the high risk of negative outcomes for boys who have GID, it is especially important for parents to accept their children lovingly. Indeed, research suggests that warm and accepting parenting encourages positive outcomes in all children, regardless of sexual orientation or gender preference.30 In a research study of gay and bisexual men, researchers found that the participants’ perception of their fathers’ rejection predicted adult attachment anxiety and was associated with adult attachment avoidance in future relationships.31 Parents affect their children’s future in a long-term manner by how they treat them as children.

Parents of Children with GID According to the family systems model, each family member affects the other family members within the family system, where the parents have the greatest effect. Mental disorders within families influence family patterns and interactions, especially if a parent suffers from a mental disorder. Both the father’s and the mother’s symptoms were significantly correlated with child’s adjustment problems, but especially the mother’s symptoms. Research has shown that an important consideration in predicting a child’s likelihood of mental deviation is the presence of that same mental disorder in parental figures;32 for example, parents who have both major depressive disorder (MDD) and disruptive behavior disorder (DBD) are more likely to have children who have DBD, as compared to parents who only have MDD.33 34

Anxiety and depression in parents also directly affect child adjustment.34 In a related study, a father with depression was more likely to have a child with a mental disorder.35 Clearly the presence of both paternal and maternal pathology influences the extent to which a child is likely to also have similar pathologies. Although these findings may not be directly correlated to instances of GID, it is obvious that a parent’s pathology affects their children.

Although it is unclear to what extent instances of parental mental disorders predict the same disorders in their children, it is clear that poor parenting negatively affects children with GID. In a pilot study of limited size, Marantz and Coates found that mothers of boys with GID were more likely to suffer from depression and borderline personality disorders.36 They found that these mothers had a difficult time regulating emotion and establishing boundaries with their sons.

“Although it is unclear They were more likely to be dependent to what extent instances on their sons and to be controlling in of parental mental their parenting practices to promote mutual dependence. The correlation disorders predict the may suggest that the mental disorder same disorders in their of the parents affects the parenting children, it is clear that style and may subsequently enable and encourage the child’s GID. As these poor parenting negaboys were encouraged to be dependent tively affects children on their mothers, their mothers in turn with GID.” were emotionally more dependent on them. It is conceivable that these types of interactions encouraged the development of more feminine characteristics in the boys, which contributed to the development and persistence of GID in that individual.

The majority of the boys with GID in the Marantz and Coates study showed signs of separation anxiety and expressed difficulty establishing parent-child attachment.37 These findings are supportive of Zucker, Bradley, and Sullivan’s findings that boys with GID show symptoms of separation anxiety.38 It was also more common for boys with GID and separation anxiety to come from single-parent homes or step families and to be from a lower socioeconomic level. Unhealthy parenting may also impair parent-child attachment and may be correlated with the separation anxiety displayed by many children with GID.39 These findings may suggest that these children were not able to form a secure attachment when younger, and, as a result, do not feel secure in their present parent-child attachment.

35

This insecure attachment may have developed due to perceived negative parenting because adults who displayed gender-atypical behavior as children frequently report negative parenting.40 One study of transsexual adults with GID retrospectively analyzed their parent’s parenting behaviors against a control group.41 Transsexuals perceived their mother’s parenting as less caring, less affective, and more controlling. Male to female transsexuals with GID also perceived their mothers as more abusive and unreliable, whereas female to male transsexuals with GID reported more disapproval from their mothers. Also, male to female transsexuals reported that their fathers were more critical and contemptuous and exhibited less caring, less availability, and less support. It has also been found that adults who reported more coldness and over-controlling behavior from their parents were more likely to have demonstrated gender-atypical behavior as children.42 It may be difficult to generalize the findings of these studies, because not all children with symptoms of GID in childhood become transsexuals or homosexuals in adulthood; it is unclear from the research whether negative parenting encourages GID, or whether the stress related to raising a child with GID leads to poor parenting.43 It is clear that when parents negatively parent their child who has GID, the child will be more likely to have psychiatric symptoms as an adult.44

CONCLUSION When children struggle to adapt to gender norms and to accept their gender, parents can experience stress because they do not know exactly what to do. Parents experience stress because of negative reactions from their child’s peers, their child’s comorbidity with other disorders, their child’s unhealthy externalizing behaviors, and other difficulties associated with GID. Stress increases because of the negative perceptions of gender-atypical behavior.45 It is important that parents maintain a warm and loving attitude, regardless of their negative perceptions toward their child’s behavior. Parental warmth and acceptance can help prevent psychiatric symptoms from becoming worse or continuing into adulthood.46 There is limited research available to both clinical practitioners and parents on how to most effectively alleviate the mental distress and negative social consequences that come as result of a GID. Despite the relatively small population of individuals with GID, researchers should develop and evaluate the efficacy of positive interventions that would allow children with GID to be better integrated into their families, schools, and social environments.

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END NOTES 1. B. I. Fagot, “Consequences of Moderate Cross-Gender Behavior in Preschool Children,” Child Development 48, no. 3 (1997): 902–907.

2. B. Möller, H. Schreier, A. Li, and G. Romer, “Gender Identity Disorder in Children and Adolescents,” Current Problems in Pediatric and Adolescent Health Care 39, no. 5 (2009): 117–143.

3. C. E. M. Van Beijsterveldt, J. J. Hudziak, D. I. Boomsma, “Genetic and Environmental Influences on Cross-Gender Behavior and Relation to Behavior Problems: A Study of Dutch Twins at Ages 7 and 10 Years,” Archive of Sexual Behavior 35 (2006): 647–658.

4. American Psychiatric Association, “Gender Identity Disorders,” Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: DSM-IV-TR (Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 576–582.

5. C. E. M. Van Beijsterveldt et al., “Genetic and Environmental Influences.”

6. F. L. Collidge, L. L. Thede, and S. E. Young, “The Heritability of Gender Identity Disorder in a Child and Adolescent Twin Sample,” Behavior Genetics 32, no. 4 (2002): 251–257.

7. G. D. Levy, “Relations Among Aspects of Children’s Social Environments, Gender Schematization, Gender Role Knowledge, and Flexibility,” Sex Roles 21 (November/December 1989): 803–823; H. M. Trautner, D. N. Ruble, L. Cyphers, B. Kirsten, R. Behrendt, and P. Hartmann, “Rigidity and Flexibility of Gender Stereotypes in Childhood: Developmental or Differential?” Infant and Child Development 14 (2005): 365–381.

8. H. M. Trautner et al.,“Rigidity and Flexibility.”

9. Ibid.

10. G. D. Levy, “Relations Among Aspects of Children’s Social Environments.”

11. M. S. C. Wallien, H. Swaab, and P. T. Cohen-Kettenis, “Psychiatric Comorbidity Among Children with Gender Identity Disorder,” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 46, no. 10 (2007); U. Hepp, B. Kraemer, U. Schnyder, N. Miller, and A. Delsignore, “Psychiatric Comorbidity in Gender Identity Disorder,” Journal of Psychosomatic Research 58 (2005): 259–261.

12. M. S. C. Wallien et al., “Psychiatric Comorbidity.”

13. A. F. H. Owen-Anderson, S. J. Bradley, and K. J. Zucker, “Expressed Emotion in Mothers of Boys with Gender Identity Disorder,” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 36 (2005): 327–345.

14. M. S. C. Wallien et al., “Psychiatric Comorbidity.”

15. K. Alanko, P. Santtila, N. Harlaar, K. Witting, M. Varonen, P. Jern, A. Johansson, B. Pahlen, and N. K. Sandnabba, “Psychiatric Symptoms and Same-Sex Sexual Attraction and Behavior in Light of Childhood Gender Atypical Behavior and Parental Relationships,” Journal of Sex Research 46, no.5 (2009): 494–504; K. Alanko, P. Santtila, N. Harlaar, K. Witting, M. Varjonen, J. Partick, A. Johansson, B. Pahlen, N. K., “The Association Between Childhood Gender Atypical Behavior and Adult Psychiatric Symptoms is Moderated by Parent Style,” Sex Roles 58 (2008): 837–847.

37

16. C. L. Martin, “Attitudes and Expectations about Children with Nontraditional and Traditional Gender Roles,” Sex Roles 22 (March/April 1990): 151–165; M. A. Landolt, K. Bartholomew, C. Saffrey, D. Oram, and D. Perlman, “Gender Nonconformity, Childhood Rejection, and Adult Attachment: A Study of Gay Men,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 33, no. 2 (2004): 117–128.

17. K. J. Zucker, S. J. Bradley, and M. Sanikhani, “Sex Differences in Referral Rates of Children with Gender Identity Disorder: Some Hypotheses,” Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 25, no. 3 (1997): 277–227; H. Meyer-Bahlburg, “Gender Identity Disorder in Young Boys: A Parent- and Peer-Based Treatment Protocol,” Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry 7 (2002): 360.

18. K. J. Zucker et al., “Sex Differences in Referral Rates”; S. J. Bradley, R. Blanchard, S. Coates, R. Green, S. B. Levine, H. F. L. Meyer-Bahlburg, I. B. Pauly, and K. J. Zucker, “Interim Report of the DSM-IV Subcommittee on Gender Identity Disorders,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 20 (1991): 333–342; H. F. L. Meyer-Bahlburg, “Gender Identity Disorder of Childhood. Introduction,” Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry 24 (1985): 681–683.

19. S. J. Bradley et al., “Interim Report.”

20. K. J. Zucker et al., “Sex Differences in Referral Rates.”

21. H. F. L. Meyer-Bahlburg, “Gender Identity Disorder of Childhood: Introduction.”

22. C. L. Martin, “Attitudes and Expectations”; M. A. Landolt et al., “Gender Nonconformity”; K. J. Zucker et al., “Sex Differences in Referral Rates”; and H. Meyer-Bahlburg, “Gender Identity Disorder in Young Boys.”

23. M. Fulcher, E. L. Sutfin, and C. J. Patterson, “Individual Differences in Gender Development: Associations with Parental Sexual Orientation, Attitudes, and Division of Labor,” Sex Roles 58 (2008): 330–341.

24. C. L. Martin, “Attitudes and Expectations”; M. A. Landolt et al., “Gender Nonconformity.”

25. M. A. Landolt et al., “Gender Nonconformity”; K. J. Zucker et al., “Sex Differences in Referral Rates.”

26. K. J. Zucker et al., “Sex Differences in Referral Rates”; H. F. L. Meyer-Bahlburg, “Gender Identity Disorder of Childhood: Introduction.”

27. K. J. Zucker et al., “Sex Differences in Referral Rates.”

28. H. F. L. Meyer-Bahlburg, “Gender Identity Disorder of Childhood: Introduction.”

29. M. A. Landolt et al., “Gender Nonconformity.”

30. G. W. Ladd and G. S. Petit, “Parenting and the Development of Children’s Peer Relationships,” in M. H. Bornstein Handbook of Parenting 5 (2002): 269–310.

31. M. A. Landolt et al., “Gender Nonconformity.”

32. D. R. Hirshfeld-Becker, C. Petty, J. A. Micco, A. Henin, J. Park, A. Beilin, J. F. Rosenbaum, and J. Biederman, “Disruptive Behavior Disorders in Offspring of Parents with Major Depression: Associations with Parental Behavior Disorders,” Journal of Affective Disorders 111 (2008): 176–184; P. Kane and J. Garber, “The Relations among Depression in Fathers, Children’s Psychopathology, and Father-Child Conflict: A Meta-Analysis,” 38

Clinical Psychology Review 24 (2004): 339–360; S. Marantz and S. Coates, “Mothers of Boys with Gender Identity Disorder: A Comparison of Matched Controls,” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 30, no. 2 (1991): 310–315.

33. D. R. Hirshfeld-Becker et al., “Disruptive Behavior Disorders.”

34. L. M. Papp, M. Cummings, and A. C. Schermerhorn, “Pathways Among Marital Distress, Parental Symptomatology, and Child Adjustment,” Journal of Marriage and Family 66 (204): 368–384.

35. P. Kane and J. Garber, “The Relations among Depression in Fathers.”

36. S. Marantz and S. Coates, “Mothers of Boys with Gender Identity Disorder.”

37. Ibid.

38. K. J. Zucker, S. J. Bradley, and C. B. L. Sullivan, “Traits of Separation Anxiety in Boys with Gender Identity Disorder,” Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 35, no. 6 (1996).

39. L. Simon, U. Zsolt, D. Fogd, and P. Czobor, “Dysfunctional Core Beliefs, Perceived Parenting Behavior and Psychopathology in Gender Identity Disorder: A Comparison of Male-to-Female, Female-to-Male Transsexual and Nontranssexual Control Subjects,” Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry 42 (2011): 38–45; S. Marantz and S. Coates, “Mothers of Boys with Gender Identity Disorder.”

40. L. Simon et al., “Dysfunctional Core Beliefs”; K. Alanko et al., “Psychiatric Symptoms and Same-Sex Sexual Attraction”; K. Alanko et al., “The Association Between Childhood Gender Atypical Behavior.”

41. L. Simon et al., “Dysfunctional Core Beliefs.”

42. Alanko et al., “Psychiatric Symptoms and Same-Sex Sexual Attraction”; L. Simon et al., “Dysfunctional Core Beliefs.”

43. L. Simon et al., “Dysfunctional Core Beliefs”; K. Alanko et al., “Psychiatric Symptoms and Same-Sex Sexual Attraction and Behavior”; K. Alanko et al., “The Association Between Childhood Gender Atypical Behavior and Adult Psychiatric Symptoms.” It is clear that when parents negatively parent their child with GID, the child will be more likely to have psychiatric symptoms as an adult (see Alanko, “The Association Between Childhood Gender Atypical Behavior”).

44. K. Alanko et al., “The Association Between Childhood Gender Atypical Behavior and Adult Psychiatric Symptoms.”

45. C. L. Martin, “Attitudes and Expectations”; M. A. Landolt et al., “Gender Nonconformity.”

46. L. Simon et al., “Dysfunctional Core Beliefs.”

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&

THE EFFECTS OF ABORTION ON MEN KATHLEEN E. FITZPATRICK ROSENBAUM

“Men are negatively impacted by abortions and require more involvement in the decision for abortion, and more attention to their well-being post abortion.”

THERE ARE MYTHS, MISUNDERSTANDINGS, and naïveté­ surrounding the topic of abortion. Questions about abortion involving legality, health ramifications, and psychological effects are common, but there is limited research on the effects of abortion on the father-to-be.

However, studying this topic provides a foundation for changing the negative experiences some men have with abortion. By focusing on the effect of abortion on financial responsibility, mental health, and relationships, it is apparent that abortions have a negative and substantial effect on men.

FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY Men have been tagged with the part of shut-up and pay-up within child rearing.1 They have little to no say in whether or not their significant other keeps the child to term, but they are expected by society to bear the financial cost. However, Elizabeth Brake argues that if a woman is not obligated to keep the child to term, then a man should not have the legal obligation to pay child support upon the child’s birth. The decision for keeping the baby, abortion, or adoption has mainly rested on women, but men are just as involved in the pregnancy and should have the right to aid in these decisions.

In other research, Keeffe agrees that the role of a father today has become legally and financially biased.2 A father’s rights to his children are determined through his pocketbook and not by how he may be affected 41

by an abortion, adoption, or the emotional, physical, and financial costs of raising a child. Moreover, in the reverse situation in which the mother did not desire an abortion and the father did, the father would be legally obligated, against his will, for the financial support of the child until maturity, creating a condition of involuntary servitude for him through many payments of child support.3 Child support is not the only monetary donation some fathers have been asked to give. Some men have been asked to provide half or all of the money necessary to perform an abortion. Other men have offered, feeling it is their way of participating in and being responsible for the abortion. In Reich and Brinis’s study, a man wanted to help with the abortion and felt that the processes of collecting the cash required to pay for it made his participation seem more real.4 In some instances, the financial contribution was all the help that was permitted by the mother-to-be. Another man in Reich and Brindis’s study gave the following example: She wanted to split the cost and she didn’t want me to come with her; she had a girlfriend for support. All there was was a money exchange. She came to my house in the morning, I gave her the cash, she ran out, and that was it.5 Unfortunately, financial responsibility can be a small cost compared to the mental health effects that can be experienced by men involved in abortion.

MENTAL HEALTH The concern for mental health of both men and women in association with abortion is becoming a large part of the debate as to whether or not abortions promote good health. It has been shown that women undergoing abortions can, and have, experienced mental and emotional strain.

When a woman terminates a pregnancy with the lack of support from a partner, the amount of distress a woman experiences increases.6 Yet, some men struggle more with the process of abortion than women.

There has been thorough research on the mental health of women in the process of abortion. However, Coyle’s meta-analysis of the literature and research on the impact of abortions on men shows that there have been severe emotional and psychological effects in their experiences with abortion.7 Men experience a wide range of emotions such as feelings of failure, loss of masculinity, extreme guilt, anger, anxiety, hurt, grief, powerlessness, sadness, and depression.8 In addition to these emotions, Gordon and Kilpatrick noted in Coyle’s analysis that male clients in their post-abortion counseling groups “were observed to be using the following defense 42

mechanisms: denial, projection, intellectualization, rationalization, and withdrawal.”9 All of these emotions can have a serious impact on a man’s quality of life. Coyle provides an example of how experiencing an abortion has affected a young man’s life in multiple areas: “Mr. R. complained of feeling lonely, suffering from sleep disturbances, difficulty in meeting the responsibilities of his job, and frequent thoughts about the fetus and the failed relationship” after experiencing the abortion of his unborn child.10 Feelings previously mentioned have caused physical symptoms to be expressed within men; thirty-eight percent of men reported irritability, forty-one percent experienced loss of concentration, and fifty percent admitted to crying.11 It is naïve for a woman to assume the right of decision for abortion because she feels she is the only one affected by the decision.

Abortion affects more than just the mother-to-be.

“Men experience a wide Men seem to experience a wide spectrum of participation and emorange of emotions such tions when their significant other, as feelings of failure, girlfriend, partner, or spouse chooses loss of masculinity, to go through with an abortion of their unborn children. One man notes how extreme guilt, anger, he felt extreme anger towards his wife anxiety, hurt, grief, who had aborted two of their chilpowerlessness, sadness, dren without his consent. He felt as if she had murdered his children, which and depression.” caused him mental distress.12 Another man accounts how helpless he felt after his long-term girlfriend decided to abort their unborn child. After the abortion was performed, his girlfriend seemed to return quickly to her pre-pregnancy state, while the man suffered greatly. He felt a complete lack of control over his life and questioned his ability to father and raise a child in the future. He wished he could have transplanted the fetus out of his girlfriend’s womb and somewhere else, where it could grow and develop so that he could care for it as a child.13 Just like grown men, teenage boys in Hallden and Christensson’s research experienced a wide gamut of emotions while experiencing their girlfriends’ abortions.14 A significant number of the boys who participated in the study felt a great deal of empathy for their girlfriends. They wanted to be there during the actual abortion to hold her hand and care for her.

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Some young men experienced moral displacement as they felt abortion was wrong, especially after viewing an ultrasound. However, they felt they needed to support their girlfriends’ decisions because they were not ready to become parents.

Coyle remarks that young men who experience teen abortion are less likely to complete college, possibly due to psychological incidents that occurred during the abortion process.15 Many young boys in Poggenpoel and Myburgh’s study, described by Coyle, show that emotional trauma, feelings of guilt and hopelessness, and social pain were consequences experienced throughout the abortion process.16 Men who go through traumatic abortion experiences are entitled to psychological assistance and care. However, societal stigmas of a man’s need to be strong, silent, and supportive can interfere with a man’s comfort level in seeking counseling.17 Coyle “I think that if two provides a direct quote from Myburgh, people are involved [in Gmeiner, and van Wyk expressing their thoughts about a man’s need for creating a child] then assistance after experiencing an abortwo people should be tion: “It is clear from the research involved in the process results that the adult biological fathers require professional help and support [of choosing an in dealing with their experience of abortion].” the termination of pregnancy and the impact it has on their lives and relationships.”18 White van-Mourik, Connor, and Ferguson-Smith support this idea in their own study discussed by Coyle: “58% of the men were potentially at risk of prolonged or unresolved grief, given that they did not discuss their feelings or complaints with anyone.”19 Access to psychological assistance may be advantageous to men who experience abortions.

Psychological distress scores show that men who had partners that underwent abortions had the highest mental distress, men with partners that had the baby (even though neither partner was prepared) had significantly lower mental distress scores, and those that never experienced the decision of an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy had only slightly lower distress scores than those who decided to go full term and keep the child.20 From this, it can be synthesized that men who experience abortion have a significant increase in psychological distress and emotional conflict.

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RELATIONSHIPS Feeling deep distress and emotional conflict can lead to erosion of interpersonal relationships. The lack of ability a man has in choosing the outcome of a pregnancy can negatively impact the relationship he has with the mother-to-be. Often, men feel as if it should be a joint decision made by both participants. One man explained, “I think that if two people are involved [in creating a child] then two people should be involved in the process [of choosing an abortion].”21 In multiple studies it has been shown that abortion frequently causes a drift or separation of the interpersonal relationship between two partners.22 In the study by Reich & Brindis, it states that a potential father’s extreme desire to father and raise a child can cause frustration when a significant other aborts a child without their consent.23 This frustration can cause strain, which may have the capacity to end the relationship, as Coyle displays from Holmes study: “A young man . . . sought counseling after learning that his girlfriend had obtained an abortion without informing [him].

He ended the relationship shortly after finding out about the abortion.”24 Many men feel they are not able to communicate and contribute to the decision of an abortion. If this occurs while in a relationship after the abortion has taken place, the lack of ability to communicate can, and does, trickle into other areas of the relationship.25 Other consequences of abortions on relationships are emotional withdrawal, sexual conflicts, interpersonal conflicts, loss of trust, and the lack of ability to conceive further pregnancies even if there were no physical reasons for infertility.26 Relationship difficulties are most likely to be experienced during the three to six month post abortion period. During this period, fifty percent of couples experienced diminished frequency of and pleasure in sexual intercourse. Most couples attributed this to depression, sadness, fear of pregnancy, or relationship corrosion.27 White van-Mourik, Connor, and Ferguson-Smith’s study, as described by Coyle, stated, “Relationship problems were attributed to isolation and communication problems due to confusing and conflicting emotions.”28 Mattinson, quoted by Coyle, provides detail on the emotions and internal conflicts the men in his study experienced, and agrees that they were linked to relationship issues.31 “Men who have been involved in an abortion often struggle with their internal selfconcept of masculinity, feeling that they have failed to protect and nurture.

These feelings of failure and guilt are often generalized into many areas of the marital and familial relationship.” 30 To better understand the process of abortion and its influence on society, it is important to look at the effect that abortion has on men’s financial 45

responsibilities, mental health, and relationships. The research shows that men are negatively impacted by abortions and require more involvement in the decision for abortion, and more attention to their well-being post abortion. Most men who experience their partner’s, or spouse’s, abortions are prone to suffer mentally, sexually, emotionally, and financially, and will suffer in their relationships. It is never just the woman who is affected by abortion. The lack of research regarding long-term effects of abortions on men presents gaps that need to be filled. More research would provide much better understanding of what could be done to lessen the painful effects of abortions on men.

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END NOTES 1. Elizabeth Brake, “Fatherhood and Child Support: Do Men Have a Right to Choose,” Journal of Applied Philosophy 22, no. 1 (2005).

2. Arthur John Keeffe, “Fathers’ Rights in Abortion Cases,” American Bar Association Journal 61 (1975).

3. Ibid., 1547.

4. Jennifer A. Reich and Claire D. Brindis, “Conceiving Risk and Responsibility: A Qualitative Examination of Men’s Experiences of Unintended Pregnancy and Abortion,” International Journal of Men’s Health 5, no. 2 (2006).

5. Ibid., 146.

6. S. A. Cohen, “Abortion and Mental Health: Myths and Realities,” Policy Review 9, no. 3.

(2006).

7. Catherine T. Coyle, “Men and Abortion: A Review of Empirical Reports Concerning the Impact of Abortion on Men,” Internet Journal of Mental Health 3, no. 2 (2007).

8. Ibid.

9. Ibid, 6.

10. Ibid, 5.

11. Ibid.

12. D. Naziri, “Man’s Involvement in the Experience of Abortion and the Dynamics of the Couple’s Relationship: A Clinical Study,” The European Journal of Contraception and Reproduction Health Care 12, no. 2 (2007).

13. Ibid.

14. Britt-Marie Hallden and Kyllike Christensson, “Swedish Young Men’s Lived Experiences of a Girlfriend’s Early Induced Abortion,” International Journal of Men’s Health 9, no.

2 (2010).

15. Coyle, “Men and Abortion.”

16. Ibid.

17. Ibid.

18. Ibid, 8.

19. Ibid, 12.

20. Ibid.

21. Reich and Brindis, “Conceiving Risk and Responsibility,” 142–143.

22. Coyle, “Men and Abortion”; Naziri, “Man’s Involvement in the Experience of Abortion”; Reich and Brindis, “Conceiving Risk and Responsibility.”

23. Reich and Brindis, “Conceiving Risk and Responsibility.”

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24. Coyle, “Men and Abortion,” 5.

25. Ibid.

26. Ibid.

27. Ibid.

28. Ibid.

29. Ibid.

30. Ibid.

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IN HER FOOTSTEPS LAURA S. NAVA Dedicated to Debby Jackson – Mother Extraordinaire

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my mother no longer lives on earth she died and left me behind to witness and attest that an angel gave me birth her love and laughter reach out through the years her teachings and example help me through the tears mothers are extraordinary we question them argue with them rebel against them until one day we open our eyes and see them for the first time we recognize the treasure behold the developed wisdom accept our failure to love move forward working to show the love bursting from our over-flowing hearts before time runs out each day I live to show the world that my mom was extraordinary by following in her footsteps living teaching loving 52

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PORNOGRAPHY ADDICTION AND THE IMPORTANCE OF HEALTHY PERCEPTIONS TALLY HARMON

“Families need to be made more aware of resources available for those suffering from pornography addictions, and need to change harmful perceptions that may actually be making the situation worse.”

TODAY, WITH JUST A FEW keystrokes on our computer or a few waves of our fingers on our smart phone, we can have access to more information than we would ever want, especially when it comes to pornography.1 The pervasiveness of the internet today means easier access to pornography than ever before, and with this availability has come a growing number of people struggling with sexual addiction—a problem that takes a huge toll on families.2 Each part of the family—the spouse, the children, and the addict—is affected in different ways. However, with the right resources and the right perception, families can cope with and overcome the problem.

THE EFFECTS OF PORNOGRAPHY ON AN ADDICT’S SPOUSE Research shows the negative effects of pornography addiction on a spouse.

Women in particular are affected in three ways: The relationship. Partners of those with a pornography addiction have reported feeling less connected with their partner3 and feel as if they are being objectified and used, or that their sexual relationship has become impersonal.4 Indeed, they reported feeling like their sexual relationship was less exclusive 55

and that their partner’s use of pornography was a form of infidelity.5 A new view of her partner. A woman who discovers a pornography addiction in her spouse will likely think, “Is this the same person I married?”

Women begin to see their companion through different lenses and may come to see him as a liar, a sexually degraded person, unloving, selfish, or a sick person.6 A new view of herself. Finally, women also begin to have changes in their selfesteem as they begin to blame themselves for their partner’s addiction. For example, some women have reported feeling shame, guilt, worthlessness, and feeling sexually undesirable.7 Consequently, many women have reacted with post-traumatic stress symptoms such as weight loss and suicide.8 Some have also engaged in extramarital affairs as a form of revenge or to boost their own self-esteem.9

THE EFFECTS OF PORNOGRAPHY ON CHILDREN The effects of pornography also extend to the children of the addict.

Effects on children include: Less time and attention with parents. Not only do children of an addict get less time with their addicted parent, but they also have less time with the spouse of the addict (sometimes called the co-addict) because he or she is so consumed in the other person’s behavior.10 Risk of exposure. Children who have a parent with a pornography addiction are more likely to run into pornography themselves. Risk of exposure brings about a whole other slough of negative consequences for the child, such as premature exposure to sexuality, which can affect their sexual and social development in the future, and which poses them at greater risk for pornography addiction themselves. This may lead to early engagement in problematic sexual behavior.11 Stress of disclosure. Children often deal with stress when an addicted parent confesses their addiction. Although many children may already have suspicions about their parent’s behavior, the time that the parent reveals this to their children is a particular time of stress. During disclosure, children have reported feeling anger, fear, and confusion but they also have positive feelings such as validation and relief.12 Stress from parental conflict. Much of marriage and family research has supplied evidence that stressful marriages negatively affect children’s development and well-being. Therefore, if a spouse is feeling anger, having post-traumatic stress symptoms, or experiencing any of the other 56

stresses mentioned earlier, children will be affected as well. Research also shows that viewing pornography leads to behaviors associated with separation or divorce.13 Lack of emotional or financial resources. Children may feel robbed of emotional resources such as love, attention, and care when the addicted parent is spending time on the addiction rather than with their children.

Financial resources are hindered when, for example, a parent’s employment is jeopardized as a result of being caught giving in to the addiction when he or she should be on the job. Financial resources are also stalled when time being spent on the addiction could have been used in ways to better provide financially for the family, or when excessive amounts of money are spent on the addiction.

THE EFFECTS ON THE ADDICT The person who engages in pornography compulsively also has to deal with stress caused by the behavioral and perceptual effects of the addiction.

Behavioral effects. Pornography use can become a behavioral addiction which, like substance addictions, causes changes in the brain which make it so the addict needs more of the substance or behavior in order to get a “high.”14 Assuming that the addict does not want to engage in the behavior, stress can come from the internal struggle of wanting to stop the behavior, but not being able to. On the other hand, assuming the person does not feel he or she has a problem, stress can then come from external sources such as a spouse, a child, or an employer.

“Assuming that the addict does not want to engage in the behavior, stress can come from the internal struggle of wanting to stop the behavior, but not being able to.”

Effects on perceptions. Pornography viewers are more likely to have unhealthy perceptions. They are more likely to endorse the idea that men should dominate women and to be more accepting of rape myth, the myth that women impose rape upon themselves and that rape is acceptable.15 Research also shows that men who look at pornography value children and the institution of marriage less over time, and feel that infidelity is not a good reason to divorce.

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COPING WITH ADDICTION A model in the family sciences that is used to aid understanding of what helps families cope with stressful situations is called the ABC-X model.16 In this model, A, B, and C represent factors which lead to either a crisis or a coping situation represented by the X. These factors are: A) the stressful situation, B) the resources available to the family, and C) their perceptions. According to this model, families with greater resources and better perceptions are better able to cope with stressful situations such as an addiction in the family (see diagrams below). Thus, as a solution, families need to be made more aware of resources available for those suffering from pornography addictions, and need to change harmful perceptions that may actually be making the situation worse.

Model Leading to Crisis A

The Situation: Father’s or husband’s pornography addiction

B

C

Resources: Perceptions: 12-Step group It is my fault he has recovery program, a problem; he is a family therapy, liar and a “sicko” clerical support

X

Leads to

Crisis: Stress in marriage and ultimately divorce; loss of employment; broken relationships

Model Leading to Coping A

The Situation: Father’s or husband’s pornography addiction

B

C

Resources: Perceptions: 12-Step group Though it will be a recovery program, hard road, this is a family therapy, weakness that can be clerical support overcome; I am not to blame for his choices; I can be a help to his recovery

X

Leads to

Coping: Though there are times of relapse, he is improving; we are setting limits and making changes to help overcome the addiction; there is communication

RESOURCES According to Landau, Garret, and Webb, “fewer than 10% of people struggling with addiction ever get into treatment,” and it is most often women who make the first intervention call.18 The questions then arise, what about the other 90 percent? And what happens before the first intervention call? Research suggests that many women turn to their own coping strategies—which are often ineffective—such as reacting with anger, 58

threatening to leave the relationship, always supervising or using other “strenuous attempts to get him out of denial.”19 Rather than using these ineffective strategies, spouses and family members could turn to more helpful resources. Burford found that the combination of therapy (for the addict and the spouse), Twelve-step programs, and help from spiritual leaders is the most effective way to overcome and recover from a pornography addiction.20 Other helpful resources include informative books and websites. However, resources are most effective when coupled with good perceptions. Currently, there are many unhealthy perceptions that hinder coping with and recovering from addiction.

PERCEPTIONS Perceptions can be thought of as lying somewhere on a continuum of healthy and unhealthy beliefs. On the one end of the continuum, families may feel as if the addiction poses an opportunity to change and grow.

“Families who have a On the other end, families may feel like their situation is hopeless. When more hopeful perception perceptions lie on this unhealthy of having a spouse or end, spouses of the addict will more parent who is addicted likely react with anger and emotion rather than objectivity, and the addict to pornography see the himself may feel he is beyond hope. addict as someone who Rather than thinking of the problem has a problem that as something to be worked on, the addict may allow his fears of letting needs to be treated.” others down, of losing relationships, or of jeopardizing employment to get in the way of recovery.

Families who have a more hopeful perception of having a spouse or parent who is addicted to pornography see the addict as someone who has a problem that needs to be treated. Women who have this perception about their partners are more likely to use effective coping strategies and may even be able to help their partner recover.21 For example, rather than reacting with rage, revenge, or constant supervision, women with more positive perceptions of the addiction will more likely incorporate coping strategies such as setting limits, communicating these limits, and following through with consequences when these limits are not respected.22 Another effective coping strategy women use is to externalize the problem from themselves. Rather than seeing themselves as the problem—thinking “I am not beautiful enough” or 59

“I nag too much”—women who externalize understand the addict’s choices are not their fault and see the addiction more objectively and proactively.23 Using more effective coping strategies can help preserve dignity in oneself as a spouse and help women feel more in control of their situation.

Another harmful perception is an addict’s fear that by disclosing his addiction, he will lose trust, let others down, or lose his job. Although all of these are real risks addicts take in admitting that they have a problem, disclosing this information is an important step to take in recovering from an addiction.24 In a study analyzing parents’ perceptions of disclosure of a sexual addiction to their children, all of the addicts who had disclosed recommended doing so. Although disclosing the addiction to a child is risky because it puts the parent in a very vulnerable position (causing them to think, “What will my child think of me?” “Will he or she be afraid of me?” or “How will our relationship change?”), in the long run, it turns out to be beneficial because it furthers the addict’s process of recovery. On the other hand, if extreme shame and fear of loss hold out, then these changes for the better may never take place. The manner in which a parent discloses their addiction is important as well. Having a planned, thought-out disclosure with children who were of appropriate ages were among some of the characteristics of a positive disclosure experience.

Only when family members have healthy perceptions about the addiction that allow them to think proactively and work towards recovery— perceptions such as “My addicted spouse can change,” “I am not to blame for my spouse’s weakness,” and “Confessing is important and necessary for recovery”—will the above-mentioned resources be most effective.

Detrimental perceptions may cause for more crises rather than coping in families and may hinder the recovery process.

With an ever-increasing dependency on and use of the Internet, and thus a greater pervasiveness of pornography, good resources and perceptions are vital in helping a growing number of families who deal with this stressor. Prevention through education and public policy can save many families from pornography addiction before it starts.

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END NOTES 1. A. Cooper, D. L. Delmonico, and R. Burg, “Cybersex Users, Abusers, and Compulsives: New Findings and Implications,” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 7, no. 1 (2000): 5–29; J. C. Manning, “The Impact of Internet Pornography on Marriage and the Family: A Review of the Research,” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 13, no. 2–3 (2006): 131–165; J. P. Schneider, “The Impact of Compulsive Cybersex Behaviours on the Family,” Sexual & Relationship Therapy 18 no. 3 (2003): 329.

2. R. M. Bergner and A. J. Bridges, “The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvement for Romantic Partners: Research and CinicalImplications,” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 28 no. 3 (2002): 193–206; A. J. Bridges, R. M. Bergner, and M. Hesson-McInnis, “Romantic Partners’ Use of Pornography: Its Significance for Women,” Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy 29 no. 1 (2003): 1–14; Cooper, Delmonico, and Burg, “Cybersex Users, Abusers, and Compulsives”; J. Landau, J. Garrett, and R. Webb, “Assisting a Concerned Person to Motivate Someone Experiencing Cybersex into Treatment,” Journal of Marital & Family Therapy 34 no. 4 (2008): 498–511; Manning, “The Impact of Internet Pornography”; J. P. Schneider,“The Impact of Compulsive Cybersex,” 329.

3. Bergner and Bridges,.“The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvment”; Landau, Garrett, and Webb, “Assisting a Concerned Person.”

4. Manning, “The Impact of Internet Pornography”; Bergner and Bridges,. “The Significance of Heavy Pornography.”

5. Manning, “The Impact of Internet Pornography”; Bridges, Bergner, and Hesson-McInnis, “The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvment.”

6. Bridges, Bergner, and Hesson-McInnis, “The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvment.”

7. Ibid.

8. Schneider, “The Impact of Compulsive Cybersex Behaviours on the Family.”

9. Landau, Garrett, and Webb, “Assisting a Concerned Person”; Schneider, “The Impact of Compulsive Cybersex Behaviours on the Family,” 329.

10. Manning, “The Impact of Internet Pornography”; Schneider, “The Impact of Compulsive Cybersex Behaviours on the Family,” 329.

11. Manning, “The Impact of Internet Pornography”; Schneider, “The Impact of Compulsive Cybersex Behaviours on the Family,” 329.

12. C. Black, D. Dillon, and S. Carnes, “Disclosure to Children: Hearing the Child’s Experience,” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 10 no. 1 (2003): 67; M. D. Corley, and J. P. Schneider, “Sex Addiction Disclosure to Children: The Parents’ Perspective.” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 10 no. 4 (2003): 291–324.

13. Manning, “The Impact of Internet Pornography.”

14. C. Holden, “‘Behavioral’ Addictions: Do They Exist?” Science 294 no. 5544 (2001): 980.

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15. Manning, “The Impact of Internet Pornography”; D. Zillmann and J. Bryant, “Effects of Prolonged Consumption of Pornography on Family Values.” Journal of Family Issues 9 no. 4 (1988): 518–544.

16. S. J. Price, C. A. Price, and P. C. McKenry, “Families Coping with Change.” Families & Change Coping with Stressful Events and Transitions (Thousand Oaks, California: Sage Publications, Inc., 2010), 1–23.

18. Landau, Garrett, and Webb, “Assisting a Concerned Person,” 509.

19. Bergner and Bridges, “The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvment,”; Landau, Garrett, and Webb, “Assisting a Concerned Person.”

20. J. D. Burford, “Assessing Recovery Tools for Use by the Church in Helping Male Users of Pornography,” Dissertation Abstracts International Section A: Humanities and Social Sciences 68 no. 7 (2008), ProQuest Information & Learning.

21. Bergner and Bridges, “The Significance of Heavy Pornography”; S. T. Zitman and M. H. Butler, “Attachment, Addiction, and Recovery: Conjoint Marital Therapy for Recovery from a Sexual Addiction,” Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity 12 no. 4 (2005): 311–337.

22. Bergner and Bridges, “The Significance of Heavy Pornography Involvment,” 404.

23. Ibid.

24. Corley and Schneider, “Sex Addiction Disclosure to Children,”; Black, Dillon, Carnes, “Disclosure to Children,” 67.

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IS THERE SUCH A THING AS “OK” FIGHTING IN MARRIAGE? ERIN SHAW

“God, who is the ultimate source of compassion, healing, and peace to conflicted souls, desires the marriage to succeed and can help couples resolve conflict in the most complete way through repentance and forgiveness.”

CENTRAL TO PROTECTING THE INSTITUTION of the family is protecting the institution of marriage. While some attacks to marriage come from external sources, others, such as conflict, come from within.

Serious marital conflict can lead to serious consequences such as divorce or avoidance of marriage altogether. Therefore, in an attempt to preserve marriages, some might suggest that one should never fight with a spouse.

Others might say that some fighting is permissible and good for a relationship. This begs the question, does “ok fighting” exist in marriage, or is all conflict negative? According to researchers Olson and Defrain, “conflict is an inevitable part of intimate human relationships.”1 Putting two people from different backgrounds together will naturally lead to differing opinions. Even people from similar backgrounds will experience differing opinions because of their personal viewpoints, values, or goals. Such differences could lead to small conflicts of opinion or even strong emotions like anger, and “if anger is a normal part of intimate relationships, then fights and disagreements are likely to occur.”2 Goeke-Morey agrees that anger is normal and adds that conflict is a “necessary part of any relationship.”3 There is something about the nature of being intimate with another person that invites conflict, and some relationships are a balance between love and anger.4 Therefore, since conflict is unavoidable, rather than asking if fighting is okay, research on conflict in marriage has focused 65

on what effects conflict has on the family, if it is always negative, and how conflict is resolved since it will happen regardless. Similar to marriage scholars who believe conflict a natural part of life, scriptures from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) teach “for it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things”5 and that spiritual growth comes from overcoming conflict.

Consequently, we will assume for this paper, that the real question being asked is how much conflict is okay and in what manner is fighting acceptable in resolving the conflict? In order to answer the question we will consider viewpoints of marriage research as well as Christian viewpoints and how they align with each other. By doing so, marriage will be treated as a divine institution with respect to religious teachings as well as a social institution with respect to scholars.

PERSPECTIVES FROM MARRIAGE RESEARCH Marital conflict primarily affects the relationship that the couple has.

Positive conflict in marriage is actually a necessary part of improving the relationship; otherwise, if marriage partners hold in their negative feelings and do not attempt to communicate effectively, they can cause more damage and emotional distance. Some researchers have even gone so far as to say that fighting couples stay together, so long as they fight properly, suggesting a positive correlation between conflict and marriage.6 As couples progress into their relationships and become more intimate, conflicts will increase. How couples argue as they progress into relationships is more significant than what they argue about, or even how often.

Such patterns are usually transferred intergenerationally, especially in the first few years of marriage.7 Because conflict management styles are related to marriage satisfaction, looking at how conflict is resolved is a positive way of understanding appropriate manners and amounts of fighting.8 In one study, researchers examined conflict resolution styles and how the other spouse perceived and responded to those in terms of marital satisfaction.9 Researchers found that there was less marriage satisfaction for couples whose conflict styles included withdrawal and compliance with the other person.

Destructive conflict management such as insults and personal attacks led to negative retaliation, creating a recursively negative environment. They summarize, “Clearly, neither husbands or wives feel good about marriage when partners communicate with hostility and negatively during conflict, or when partners withdrawal from conflict interactions.”10 Therefore, the how of marital conflict clearly determines if it is okay, not just the how much.

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Marital conflict primarily affects the couple involved, but another significant effect of marriages with high levels of conflict is the emotional and cognitive development of children. Traditionally, researchers have always viewed marital conflict as harmful to children.11 It has been linked to poor academic performance, lack of emotional security, the ability to develop peer relationships, and behavioral problems. 12 Cummings and Merrilees particularly noted that the stability of the parents’ marriage and relationship formed as a foundation off of which children could form their own relationships.13 Marriages with more conflict prevent children from having foundations of strong emotional security and consequently children may make poor adjustments to their environment. Children may react poorly to conflicts in the home, whether or not they are directed at them, in order to maintain the system “There is something of emotional security. For example, a child may cry or throw a fit to disabout the nature of tract parents from arguing because of being intimate with the disruption to his own emotional another person that security. Children who are repeatedly exposed to negative behaviors and invites conflict...” patterns of marital conflict can adjust to those patterns as normal. This can cause mental and emotional problems, even on a long-term basis.

Similar results have been shown for teenagers and young adults who face long-term consequences, particularly anxiety in forming emotional attachment because of their parents’ marital conflict. 14 Goeke-Morey’s dissertation research also supports the idea of how conflict is handled, is more important than the concept of how much conflict happens.15 She argues that children who see conflict and resolution in marriages can benefit from exposure to constructive conflict because it models good paths for children to follow in their own interpersonal conflicts. She found that negative conflict management and unresolved conflicts (such as agreeing to disagree) were more destructive emotionally for children. However, more positive conflict resolution behaviors (such as problem-solving, agreeing to discuss later, calm discussions, and humor) actually increased children’s emotional security and left them feeling much more positive. She concludes that these arguments were not harmful to children but actually benefitted them by providing positive models.

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CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVES Christian perspectives on conflict in marriage also seem to respond to the underlying question of how conflict is resolved rather than if it happens.

Christian writings teach that contention is not of God, but of the devil,16 and therefore negative conflict management patterns are not supported in Christian beliefs. Rather, scriptures teach members to seek after fruits of the spirit such as “love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, [and] temperance,”17 to turn the other cheek,18 and to turn away from anger.19 The importance for such peaceable behavior is amplified in family relationships that are viewed as lasting after this life.

One additional insight that Christian teachings offer on conflict is accountability towards God for interpersonal behavior and interactions. This comes through the belief that He will judge the world. This accountability to God plays a role in answering the question of how much conflict is acceptable and how to resolve conflict. Because God will one day judge our actions and our heart, true Christians try to avoid contentious behavior.

This doctrine of accountability can also be seen in terms of self-control in dif“Individuals in those ficult situations. Christian authors Jeffrey circumstances can rely Holland and his wife Patricia, teach that upon faith in God to we cannot just be a good wife or husband when we feel good.20 Choosing to be a lead them to positive good spouse continually and exhibiting solutions.” self-control in arguments, even in the face of opposition, is a demonstration of Christian values. Holland furthers the argument of accountability in commenting on his marriage, “As our love has grown and our relationship has matured, we have been increasingly open with each other. One result is that I know much more clearly how to help her, and I know exactly how to hurt her. Surely God will hold me accountable for any pain I cause her by intentionally hurting her when she has been so trusting of me.”21 Therefore, views on conflict in marriage from a spiritual perspective emphasize the important doctrine of accountability for personal actions, which doctrine directly influences the manner in which we resolve conflicts.

Christian doctrines also help communicate opinions on the source of conflict in marriage, and that people who experience conflict are not bad, or sinning, because they face opposition. Cline remarks that conflict is partly because of our fallibility as human beings; we are not perfect, therefore we are also not perfect in our relationships with each other.22 Some of the opposition and conflict comes from poor choices, such as immorality, 68

physical abuse, or substance abuse. Other couples experience conflict due to outside influences that they cannot control such as loss of employment, health problems, and death of children and outside pressures.23 This reinforces the idea from research that there will always be some type of conflict in marriage, but how it is approached and resolved are more important issues sometimes than what the topic of the conflict is.

Finally, and above all, the answer to the questions about how much conflict and how to resolve it appropriately in Christian teachings is resolved through a couple’s relationship with the Lord. Examples of Christian couples who faced conflict described the importance of relying on God in knowing that a change in behavior had to be made and deciding the best way to make the change, often times through much prayer.24 Couples who both stay close to the Lord and involve him in their marriage, applying Christian teachings, will be able to respond to spiritual promptings in terms of appropriate behavior (how much conflict) and resolving it (how to overcome). Such a viewpoint is essential in viewing marriage as a divine institution because it includes God as a stakeholder in the marriage and as a source of conflict resolution. God, who is the ultimate source of compassion, healing, and peace to conflicted souls, desires the marriage to succeed and can help couples resolve conflict in the most complete way through repentance and forgiveness.

Perhaps couples are less able to control how much conflict comes into their marriage if there are many outside sources of hardship. Sometimes they cannot even control the internal sources of conflict if it comes from their partners’ selfish actions of immorality or abuse. However, a fundamental Christian doctrine is the belief that because of the healing nature of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, all wrongs can be made right, all wounds can be healed, and despite external circumstances, individuals can be at peace with their situations and react in a positive manner to even the worst source of conflict. This doctrine particularly applies to individuals whose spouses may not adopt Christian teachings and invite more confrontation than desired to the situation. Individuals in those circumstances can rely upon faith in God to lead them to positive solutions. This belief is essential for spouses when they are often left feeling alone, to find comfort in Christian teachings and companionship with God. SPIRITUAL AND RESEARCH FINDINGS OVERLAP As previously discussed, Christian teachings concerning opposition agree with marriage scholars that conflict is inevitable and fighting will happen in marriage. Both viewpoints also agree that there are positive and negative 69

solutions to marital conflict. From research we know that negative conflict management styles are linked to low levels of marital satisfaction by both parties involved. In the light of Christianity, negative conflict styles can be linked to the “natural man” and selfishness. Being a natural man is contrary to the scriptural directions to become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”25 Research makes the assumption that conflict increases as relationships deepens and therefore opportunities for negative conflict increase.26 Jeffrey Holland taught that because of accountability towards God, as our relationship with our spouses deepens, our accountability increases to God and therefore our acute awareness to God as to how we treat our spouses should change more than ever.

Many couples today experience conflict in their marriages and wonder whether marriage is worth the benefit if conflict will exist. Perhaps some young adults shy away from marriage because of their desire to avoid conflict with a marital spouse or because they have been negatively affected by watching their parents’ conflict. Perspectives from Christianity and marriage research show that the reality of facing conflict is not only normal but it is okay, as long as it is handled in a positive way. Those who are drowned by their fears of fighting can find hope in both secular research that positively resolved conflict can strengthen marriages and religious perspectives that allow for parties to change their behavior, experience repentance and forgiveness, and grow stronger from such experiences. In defense of traditional marriage, these perspectives from both religious and secular sources can help marriage be better understood and endured as a God-given and human-needed institution.

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END NOTES 1. D. Olson and J. Defrain, “Conflict and Conflict Resolution,” in Marriages and Families: Intimacy, Diversity, and Strengths (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2006), 123.

2. Ibid, 124.

3. M. C. Goeke-Morey, “Children and Marital Conflict: Exploring the Distinction between Constructive and Destructive Marital Conflict Behaviors,” Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry 50, no. 3 (2009), 270.

4. Olson and Defrain, “Conflict and Conflict Resolution.”

5. 2 Nephi 2:11.

6. Olson and Defrain, “Conflict and Conflict Resolution.”

7. Chris Segrin, Alesia Hanzal, and Tricia J. Domschke, “Accuracy and Bias in Newlywed Couples’ Perceptions of Conflict Styles and the Association with Marital Satisfaction,” Communication Monographs 76, no. 2 (2009).

8. Ibid.

9. Ibid.

10. Ibid, 226.

11. Goeke-Morey, “Children and Marital Conflict: Exploring the Distinction between Constructive and Destructive Marital Conflict Behaviors.”

12. E. M. Cummings and C. E. Merrilees, “Identifying the Dynamic Processes Underlying Links between Marital Conflict and Child Adjustment,” in Strengthening Couple Relationships for Optimal Child Development: Lessons from Research and Intervention, ed. M. S. Schulz, et al.

(Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2010).

13. Ibid.

14. Paul Schrodt and Tamara D. Afifi, “Communication Processes that Predict Young Adults’ Feelings of Being Caught and their Associations with Mental Health and Family Satisfaction,” Communication Monographs 74, no. 2 (2007).

15. Goeke-Morey, “Children and Marital Conflict.”

16. 3 Nephi 11:29.

17. Galatians 5:22–23.

18. Matthew 5:29.

19. Matthew 5:22.

20. Jeffrey R. Holland and Patricia Holland, “Things We Have Learned––Together,” Ensign 1986.

21. Ibid, par. 31.

22. V. B. Cline, “Healing Wounds in Marriage,” Ensign 1993.

23. Unknown, “Mending Our Marriages,” Ensign 1996.

24. Unknown, “Mending Our Marriages.”

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25. Mosiah 3:19.

26. Segrin, Hanzal, and Domschke, “Accuracy and Bias in Newlywed Couples’ Perceptions of Conflict Styles and the Association with Marital Satisfaction.”

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THE CHALLENGE OF DEPLOYMENT FOR MILITARY FAMILIES MADELINE TODD

“When a family member deploys, the family system adapts to the change, usually by other members of the family taking over while he or she is gone. When the member returns, the system has trouble opening up and letting the returned family member back in.�

THE IRAQ WAR HAS PERMEATED our culture, especially in the psychological world. The issues of military families are becoming a growing topic more now than in past wars. Before the United States had adopted an all-volunteer military force in 1973, the military was built up of mostly young, single men who would do their part and then return home.1 Today, men and women join the military of their own choice, which means more are choosing to stay enlisted and even choosing to make the military a career.

Consequently, more soldiers are having families while still in the military.

My own father deployed when I was seven years old, and again when I was in high school. It was a difficult time for my family, but with my four sisters and mother to lean on we were able to get through it. When I was younger, my mother did all she could to keep us busy and make the time go by faster. We stuck together and did our best to stay in touch, and somehow we got to the end of it. With the right help and support we made it through and came out stronger because of our experience.

My family was lucky; other families have to go through three or even four deployments. There has been plenty of coverage and updates on the men and women who have deployed and are fighting for our freedom, but what about the people they have left behind? Over half of active duty 75

servicemen and -women are married, and a significant percentage have children.2 How is the family reacting to the deployment?

PRE-DEPLOYMENT The pre-deployment stage is when the family prepares for the lengthy time apart. During the pre-deployment, families may have to deal with long work hours and training needed for the enlisted family member. Predeployment is usually filled with tension, denial, frustration, and a desire to spend more time together as the family prepares.3 Fortunately, many military programs exist that are meant to help the families of the deployed. Families Over Coming Under Stress (FOCUS) is a family resiliency training program which is based on over twenty years of research on children in military families. Their goal is to help children and their families deal with the fears, changes, and concerns that come with deployment. They have helped thousands of people and continue to grow with different online opportunities.4 When preparing for a deployment, there are four things that a family should concentrate on: 1. Family readiness: Being ready and prepared for a deployment physically and emotionally can make the situation less stressful.

2. Active coping: Actively coping means dealing with the issue at hand through emailing, sending letters, and staying busy.

3. Social support: A good social support, such as family or friends, is crucial for a deployment. Without support, the family feels alone in their struggle.

4. Optimism: Being hopeful and positive will ease the stress.5 SINGLE PARENT FAMILIES Deployment can be especially stressful for single parents. According to the Department of Defense, single parents are not allowed to enlist in the military. The only way single parents can enlist is by transferring full custody over to the other parent, grandparents, or other family members or friends. This custody arrangement would be in place until the serviceman or -woman is discharged from the military and goes through the paperwork to gain custody again. If there has previously been joint custody, the serviceman or -woman must relinquish all custody rights prior to enlistment.6 If someone has been in the military and then becomes a single parent, he or she must have a deployment plan ready even before plans for deployment have begun, or he or she may be released from the military. As part of the deployment plan, a child may live with the other parent, another family member, or even a family friend.7 76

HOW DEPLOYMENT AFFECTS CHILDREN When it comes to children, professionals aren’t sure why some become more stressed than others during a deployment. What is known is that the age and the developmental stage of the child plays a big part in how they react to the stress. For children in preschool or kindergarten, parents can expect 1. Clinging to the parent at home, or to an older sibling, or to a comforting object such as a blanket or a favorite toy 2. Crying 3. Increased violence toward other people and things 4. Trouble eating and sleeping 5. Nightmares 6. Regressing in toilet training Children between six and eleven years old may have symptoms similar to those of younger children, but they tend to be more verbal and complain about stomachaches, headaches, and other illnesses. Their grades may drop and they will complain about go“Age and the developing to school. Children at this age tend mental stage of the child to be more aggressive and angry and plays a big part in how will likely take out their anger on the parent or caregiver who is at home. they react to the stress.”

Parents of adolescents can also expect symptoms similar to those of younger children, but should also be aware of issues with self-esteem and self-criticism. Adolescents, usually between the ages of eleven and thirteen, may demonstrate misdirected anger, which can lead to acting out at school or at home. Some will lose interest in hobbies they once loved.

Teenagers between thirteen and nineteen may also have a hard time with the stress of deployment and resort to sexual promiscuity as well as alcohol and drug use. Their grades may also start to suffer. It’s important for the parent at home to encourage the child not to fall behind in schoolwork. Becoming involved in a sport or a social activity may help the teenager cope.8 GETTING THROUGH THE DEPLOYMENT The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs says that for the spouse left at home, “increased family responsibilities, financial issues, isolation, and fear 77

for their spouse’s safety can cause anxiety, loneliness, sadness, and a feeling of being overwhelmed.”9 Depression can sometimes be a side effect if the spouse does not deal with the issues by seeking support.

Aside from seeking support from friends and family, here are other things families can do: • Keep the household routine and rules the same, which will help decrease the children’s stress level.

• Help the children keep track of the time going by, which will make the deployment seem to go faster for them.

• Encourage children to express their feelings.

• Tell children that it’s okay to be sad, but teach them how to cope.

• Have children send their own mail to the deployed family member.

• Give them tasks around the house to help them grow in their independence and feel important.

• Avoid using phrases like, “Wait until your father/mother hears about this!” It adds unnecessary stress to the parent’s return.10 When my father was deployed, my sisters and I made a paper ring chain, which we would tear a ring off of for each day he was gone. We were lucky to know he was only going to be gone for three months. Others go months without knowing when loved one will return. My father also recorded himself reading chapter books out loud to us, which we would listen to. My mother was also adamant about putting together care packages, to which we would add our art projects for our father.

The community with which the family surrounds itself and the social support that goes along with it can make a deployment situation better.

When the family lives on or near a base it is easy for the family to find comfort in the military community. Spouses of the deployed can relate to similar issues and can support one another through the transitions.11 Families of those in the reserves or National Guard often do not have easy access to this kind of support. Operation Barnabas is working on this issue by reaching out to Lutheran Missouri Synod congregations for resources, support, and training to help the deployed and their families.12 THE POSITIVE SIDE As sad as deployment is for the family left at home, a lot of good can come out of it, too. Studies have shown that even though it can be stressful for children, the separation promotes significant developmental gains. The children take on more responsibilities while the parent is deployed which can help 78

build skills or even spark interest in a hidden talent. Studies have found that military children tend to be more independent and resourceful. They are better at “good-byes” and “hellos” which is helpful later in life when building new friendships. Deployments can also be a great time for family bonding. The family at home can bond through working together through their common struggle.13Involvement with the community and with organizations where they can interact with their peers can benefita child’s development. A deployment is a great time for a child to grow and feel more responsible and significant.14 THE HOMECOMING: ADJUSTING TO THE CHANGE Once the serviceman or woman who has been deployed returns, the family must deal with a new set of “The community with struggles. Some men and women which the family surrounds returning from deployment struggle with depression, PTSD, a traumatic itself and the social supbrain injury, or other mental health port that goes along with risks or concerns.15 In recent studit can make a deployment ies, these conditions had the greatest impact on their relationships. situation better.”

Several of those returned from deployment deal with physical issues such as shouting or pushing current or former partners. Those with severe depression and PTSD reported that their children were afraid of them or lacked warmth toward them.16 For spouses, it may take time to become “reacquainted” with one another.

The honeymoon phase is when the couple reunites physically but not yet emotionally. Tension may arise when the returned family member tries to regain his or her place in the family. Family systems theories present the idea of everyone in the family having a part in the system. When a family member deploys, the family system adapts to the change, usually by other members of the family taking over while he or she is gone. When the member returns, the system has trouble opening up and letting the returned family member back in.17 It is unrealistic to think that everything will go back to the way things were when so much has changed. The returning serviceman or -woman may find that: • Toddlers (one to three years old) are slow to warm up.

• Preschoolers (three to six years old) may feel guilty and scared due to the separation.

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• School-aged children (six to twelve years old) will probably want a lot of attention.

• Teenagers (thirteen to eighteen years old) may be moody and may appear not to care.18 The important thing for families to remember when a loved one returns is the necessity of communication. The spouse who has remained home might feel that his or her independence is being taken away by the returning spouse, and may start to resent the returning spouse because of this. It is important for both spouses to express how they feel and not to play “one-up” games, especially the “who had it worst” competition. The best approach for families is to take it slowly and not push the homecoming into an uncomfortable routine.19 AN EVER-GROWING TOPIC Dr. Eric M. Flake of the Madigan Army Medical Center states that “high stress in the at-home parent is the main factor affecting children’s risk of psychological problems”.20However, a cross-sectional study done by Boston University says that the child’s reaction to the deployment is “independent of the non-deployed parent’s symptoms of stress and depression.”21 More research needs to be done on this topic. Additionally, there is no researchon the differences between a child’s mother deploying compared with his or her father. Given women’s increasing combat roles and deployment frequency, it would be interesting to see how children might react differently based on the gender of the deployed parent. Most studies done are cross-sectional, but since the United States has had an extended period of war with many families affected, a longitudinal study may be helpful.

Either way, this is a very significant topic and one that will be part of the American family landscape for years to come.

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END NOTES 1. M. Weinstock, “Military Families and Deployment,” The Center for Deployment Psychology, http://deploymentpsych.org/topics-disorders/military-families-and-deployment.

2. Ibid.

3. B. Easterling and D. Knox, “Left Behind: How Military Wives Experience the Deployment of Husbands,” Journal of Family Life, (2010).

4. FOCUS, “About Us,” last modified 2011, http://www.focusproject.org/about-us.

5. Weinstock, “Military Families.”

6. D. Washington, “Children Custody: Military Deployment and the Single Parent,” About. com, last modified 2011, http://singleparents.about.com/od/legalissues/a/single_parent_military_deployment.htm.

7. C. G. Todd, (“Chaplains in the Military”) in discussion with the author, April 2011.

8. S. H. Pincus, “The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: A Military Family Perspective,” Operation Military Kids, last modified 2007, http://www.hooah4health.com/deployment/ familymatters/emotionalcycle.htm.

9. U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, “How Deployment Stress Affects Children and Families: Research Findings,” U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, last modified 2009, http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/pages/pro_deployment_stress_children.asp.

10. Fleet and Family Support Centers, Children & Deployment. Hampton Roads, VA, 2011.

11. Easterling and Knox, “Left Behind.”

12. LCMS, “Operation Barnabas Brochure,” LCMS, http://www.lcms.org/page. aspx?pid=732.

13. Military Advantage, “Deployment: Your Children and Separation,” Military.com, last modified 2011, http://www.military.com/benefits/resources/deployment/your-childrenand-seperation.

14. Pincus, “The Emotional Cycle.”

15. U.S. Department of Veteran Affairs, “How Deployment Stress Affects Children and Families.”

16. Ibid.

17. Todd, “Chaplains in the Military.”

18. Pincus, “The Emotional Cycle.”

19. Weinstock, “Military Families.”

20. R. Nauert, “Military Children Psychologically Impacted by Deployment,” Psych Central, last modified 2009, http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/08/13/military-children-psychologically-imparied-by-deployment/7783.html.

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21. M. Chartrand, D. Frank, L. White, and T. Shope, “Effect of Parents’ Wartime Deployment on the Behavior of Young Children in Military Families,” Arch Pediatr Adolesc. Med 162, no. 11, 162.

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PORNOGRAPHY AND CHILD MOLESTERS CALLEN E. SNOW

“However, researchers are finding that any amount or type of pornography is addictive and has negative effects on the consumer. This . . . shows that all types of pornography could be a factor in child molestation.”

IN 2007, 5.8 MILLION CHILDREN in the United States were involved in child abuse cases, nearly 8 percent of which were sexual abuse cases.1 Because so many cases go unreported each year, it is estimated that this statistic could be doubled or tripled, making one in every three girls and one in every six boys having been sexually abused before they reach the age of eighteen.2 Because so many cases of child sexual abuse take place in the United States, psychologists have extensively researched child molestation and child molesters.3 For several decades, researchers have been trying to understand what would cause individuals to molest children.4 Researchers have come to several conclusive factors that may precede or predict child molestation, such as the victim-to-offender cycle, sexual attraction to children, desire for control, lack of personal relationships with peers, and fantasies about sex.5 Though these factors are significant in many cases of child molestation, a young abuse victim named Karlie believed she was molested for a different, less researched, reason.

The following is Karlie’s story: Between the ages of eight and twelve, Karlie was molested by her older brother, Jack. By the time Karlie’s mother discovered the abuse, Jack had already begun molesting Karlie’s younger brother and sister as well. Karlie seemed to think 85

that one factor had a large role in Jack’s abuse of her, her brother’s pornography addiction. She stated that Jack had been addicted to porn for “as long as she could remember” and that she felt like he had often just used her as “real-life porn.” Karlie believed that if her brother wasn’t addicted to pornography, he would not have abused her.6 This young girl’s experience with sexual abuse brings to light a gap in the research involving child molesters—that pornography use is a potential factor in child molestation. In this paper, I discuss the research that has been done about the possible factors that could predict child molestation, such as the victim-to-offender cycle, sexual attraction to children, desire for control, lack of personal relationships with peers, and fantasy about sex. I will also show that almost no research has been done on the effects of repeated or prolonged exposure to pornography as a predicting factor to child molestation and as a potential influence on each of the researched predicting factors listed above.

VICTIM-TO-OFFENDER CYCLE One major factor that predicts child molestation is the perpetrator’s own childhood abuse.7 Past research has found that child molesters are more likely than nonmolesters to have experienced sexual abuse.8 Thomas described the tendency of an abuse victim to become an abuser as the victim-to-offender cycle. The theory behind this cycle is that when individuals are sexually abused as children, they are more likely to become abusers in adulthood due to their inability to cope with past experiences.9 Though the victim-to-offender cycle is well substantiated with research, it seems to be incomplete. The cycle may have less to do with the ability of individuals to cope with their sexual abuse and more to do with the hypersexuality they developed because of the abuse.10 It is possible that they believed that the only way to feel loved was through their sexuality, and because of this, they were driven to sexuality as an outlet for love.11 Pornography could possibly serve as a sexual outlet for child molesters, helping them to feel more comfortable and loved. Træen and Sørensen stated that it is likely that the more pornography adults who were molested as children sought out, the more included and loved they felt.12 Thus pornography would reinforce the behavior of hypersexuality, which would predict eventual child molestation. Therefore, although the victimto-offender cycle seems accurate, research is needed to see if a factor that played into this cycle was not only the victim’s inability to cope but also the hypersexuality of the victim and the subsequent use of pornography.

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SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO CHILDREN Another argument that has been made involving child molestation is that molesters are inherently sexually attracted to children. Sexual desires can be powerful, and a sexual attraction to children is a powerful indicator of a predisposition for child molestation. Some researchers even found that many child molesters shared a common idea that their sexual desires made them feel as though they were entitled to gratify their sexual appetites through molesting a child.13 Because sexual attraction is correlated highly with child molestation, it is important to understand how prevalent sexual attraction to children is in today’s society.

Briere and Runtz found in their study with university males that this sexual attraction to children is more common than some may think.14 They determined that 21 percent of the 193 male undergraduate students they surveyed reported at least some sexual attraction to pre-adolescent children. BriBriere and Runtz . . . ere and Runtz also incorporated pornography use questions into their survey and found that the underfound that the undergraduates who had graduates who had sexual attraction to children also had a sexual attraction to likelihood of pornography use.15 However, this measurement of sexual attraction children also had a liketo children and pornography use may be lihood of pornography incomplete due to the type of research use.

Briere and Runtz conducted. What Briere and Runtz did not incorporate in their research were questions about how long the university males had been using pornography or questions about what type of pornography the university males used and how often they used it. They also did not incorporate longitudinal, or time related, questions about sexual attraction to children, such as “How long have you been sexually attracted to children?” and “Has this sexual attraction to children grown throughout your life?” It is likely that the university males surveyed

by Briere and Runtz became more sexually attracted to children due to prolonged pornography use, but without Briere and Runtz implementing longitudinal questions into their study, this correlation was not found.16 Because Briere and Runtz did not gather this information in their study, they could not show that pornography use could lead to sexual attraction in children.17 However, their study may suggest a link between pornography as a factor in sexual attraction to children, which in turn would suggest that pornography could be an underlying factor in child molestation.

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DESIRE FOR CONTROL Many child molesters may abuse children to dominate or control.18 According to Wheeler, “children may not be the primary or initial source of sexual stimuli for the incestuous fathers or many other offenders in this study. . . . However, due to other factors, a child might be the most accessible sexual outlet and may be more easily controlled.�19 A child is often more available and more easily manipulated into abusive situations. Wheeler demonstrated that pornography may contribute to this factor as well.

He reported that child molesters often watched pornographic material for ideas of different sexual acts to carry out with children.20 Molesters also sometimes used pornography as a way to stimulate themselves before the actual molestation event.21 Both of these aspects of pornography use may contribute to the feeling of control that a child molester may experience.

It is likely that when child molesters are able to act on these premeditated plans, they feel a sense of control that they may not feel in any other aspect of life. This sense of control and the sexual stimulation involved with molestation may serve as strong reinforcements for their sexual behavior.

Because pornography may serve as a planning agent within this desire for control, it may play an underlying role in this predicting factor, thereby contributing to child molestation.

LACK OF PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEERS Typical child molesters may not have very close relationships with the adults around them. They may experience feelings of guilt or shame about having molested a child, which feelings will interfere with adult or peer relationships and cause them to feel isolated.22 Often, child molesters will report that they feel better accepted by children.23 They may feel like their relationships with children are easier to maintain than the complicated relationships with their peers. Another reason close adult relationships may be difficult to attain for molesters is that adult sexuality reminds them of being in the humiliating role of the inadequate, unlovable child of past abuse.24 Therefore, instead of seeking out adult relationships, molesters try to meet their needs for emotional and physical intimacy through sexual contact with children.25 Because they have had the victim/offender experience in their own previous abuse, this type of sexuality is more familiar and comfortable for them.

Once again, this factor of child molestation could have a connection to pornography. As shown above, molesters tend to feel isolated from their peers. Similarly, in many situations, pornography use could cause an individual to experience feelings of isolation.26 Because feelings of isola88

tion can be caused by a pornography addiction, there may be a correlation between the feelings of isolation that a molester feels and a molester’s potential pornography addiction.

FANTASY ABOUT SEX Fantasies about sex and viewing pornography often go hand in hand.

Almost every research study about child molestation has included fantasy as a preceding factor to molestation. One case study involving eleven cases of convicted child molesters concluded that sexual fantasy was the main commonality between all eleven cases, and that pornography either proceeded or was involved with the fantasy.27 Though many would think that the fantasy and the molestation would be similar, this is not always the case. Howitt explained that the offenders’ fantasies and their actions may not match in that offenders can fantasize about sexual intercourse with a child but in actuality, they limit their actions to fondling a child.28 Because of this disconnect between fantasy and reality, it is important to understand where fantasy comes from.

Fantasy primarily stems from viewing pornography or other stimulating images.29 Once perpetrators have viewed pornography, they are able to take that image and make it into a fantasy that may sexually stimulate them or may eventually cause them to molest a child. Another interesting factor playing into fantasy is that the fantasy that a molester may develop about a child may not come from child pornography. In fact, Wheeler found that pornography, regardless of the type, may lead a perpetrator to fantasize about children by stimulating the molester with images and ideas for molestation.30 He stated, “A surprising finding was that sexual fantasies about children were almost as strongly related to soft-core pornography usage as child-pornography usage.”31 This statement demonstrates the point that the fantasies of child molesters can stem from any type of pornography, not just exclusively child pornography. Many psychologists may be under the impression that soft porn, by itself, is harmless. However, researchers are finding that any amount or type of pornography is addictive and has negative effects on the consumer.32 This is important because it shows that all types of pornography could be a factor in child molestation. Wheeler also found that the child molesters in his study were more likely to report receiving the idea for an illegal sex act from pornographic materials.33 If this is the case, pornography could be a larger factor in prediction of child molestation than current research suggests.

Ultimately, several factors play into predicting child molestation. These factors, including a desire for control, abuse in the molester’s childhood, sexual attraction to children, a lack of personal relationships with other 89

adults, and fantasies about sex, all play a common role in the research of child molesters. Within each of these factors, pornography may play an underlying role. It is possible that because pornography is often such an invisible factor, in that it is so common, secretive, and genuinely accepted by society, researchers may not have seen it as an important factor in child molestation cases. Because of the recent influx of pornography due to the internet, however, it is important to know how pornography affects the child molesters. Future research should address whether or not prolonged exposure to any type of pornography may put an individual more at risk for molesting.

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END NOTES 1. John Gaudiosi, Child Maltreatment, (Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office, 2007), chap. 3.

2. Diana Russell, “The Incidence and Prevalence of Intrafamilial and Extrafamilial Sexual Abuse of Female Children,” Child Abuse & Neglect, 7, no. 2 (1983), 133–46.

3. Robert Prentky, Raymond Knight, and Austin Lee, Child Sexual Molestation: Research Issues, (Rockville, MD: US Dept of Justice NIJ, 1997), 1–24.

4. Eric Wood and Shelley Riggs, “Predictors of Child Molestation: Adult Attachment, Cognitive Distortions, and Empathy,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 23, no. 2 (2008), 259–275.

5. Jane Gilgun and Teresa Connor, “How Perpetrators View Child Sexual Abuse,” Social Work 34, no. 3 (1989), 249–51; Tracy Thomas, and William Fremouw, “Moderating Variables of the Sexual ‘Victim to Offender Cycle’ in Males,” Aggression and Violent Behavior 14, no. 5 (2009), 382–7; David Wheeler, “The Relationship Between Pornography Usage and Child Molesting,” Humanities and Social Sciences, 57, no. 8-A (1997): 3691.

6. “Child Abuse Story From Karlie.” Child Abuse Effects, accessed November 21, 2011. http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/child-abuse-story-from-karlie.html.

7. Tracy Thomas and William Fremouw, “Moderating Variables of the Sexual ‘Victim to Offender Cycle’ in Males,” Aggression and Violent Behavior 14, no. 5 (2009), 382–7.

8. Marie Connoly and Richard Woollons. “Childhood Sexual Experience and Adult Offending: An Exploratory Comparison of Three Criminal Groups.” Child Abuse Review 17, no. 2 (March 2008), 119–132.

9. Thomas and Fremouw, “Moderating Variables,” 382–7.

10. Dominique Simons, Sandy Wurtele, and Robert Durham, “Developmental Experiences of Child Sexual Abusers and Rapists,” Child Abuse & Neglect 32, no. 5 (2008), 549–560.

11. Bente Træen and Dagfinn Sørensen, “A Qualitative Study of How Survivors of Sexual, Psychological and Physical Abuse Manage Sexuality and Desire,” Sexual and Relationship Therapy 23, no. 4 (2008), 377–91.

12. Ibid.

13. Gilgun and Connor, “how Perpetrators View Child Sexual Abuse,” 249–251.

14. John Briere and Marsha Runtz, “University Males’ Sexual Interest in Children: Predicting Potential Indices of ‘Pedophilia’ in a Nonforensic Sample,” Child Abuse & Neglect 13, no. 1 (1989), 65–75.

15. Ibid.

16. Ibid.

17. Ibid.

18. David Wheeler, “The Relationship Between Pornography Usage and Child Molesting,” Humanities and Social Sciences 57, no. 8-A (1997), 3691.

19. Ibid.

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20. Ibid.

21. Ibid.

22. Jane F. Gilgun and Teresa M. Connor. “Isolation and the Adult Male Perpetrator of Child Sexual Abuse: Clinical Concerns.” The Incest Perpetrator: A Family Member No One Wants to Treat (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, Inc, 1990), 74–87.

23. Richard I. Lanyon, “Theory and Treatment in Child Molestation,” Journal Of Consulting And Clinical Psychology 54, no. 2 (April 1986): 176–182.

24. Gavin Ivey and Peta Simpson, “The Psychological Life of Pedophiles: A Phenomenological Study,” South African Journal Of Psychology 28, no. 1 (March 1998), 15–20.

25. Ibid.

26. Mark Kimball and Thomas White, “Attributes of Christian Couples with a Sexual Addiction to Internet Pornography,” Journal of Psychology and Christianity 28, no. 4 (2009), 350–59.

27. Dennis Howitt, “Pornography and the paedophile: Is it criminogenic?,” British Journal of Medical Psychology 68, no. 1 (1995): 15–27.

28. Ibid.

29. Donn Byrne and Julie Osland, Psychological Perspectives on Human Sexuality (Hoboken: John Wiley & Sons Inc, 2000), 283–305.

30. Wheeler, “Pornography Usage and Child Molesting,” 1997.

31. Ibid.

32. Michael Flood, “The Harms of Pornography Exposure among Children and Young People,” Child Abuse Review 18, no. 6 (November 2009), 384–400.

33. Wheeler, “Pornography Usage and Child Molesting,” 1997.

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THE TRANSITION TO FATHERHOOD: KEY STRATEGIES TO SUCCESS KIMBER ALBRECHTSEN

“Developing more accurate perceptions of what fatherhood entails could help young men better prepare and eventually own more responsibility as committed fathers.”

TRANSITIONS ARE INEVITABLE IN LIFE. Role changes come with the process of maturing, and these changes often bring stress, and, sometimes, crisis. However, role transitions may also provide opportunities for developing new skills and experiencing the joys of a new stage in life.1 One of the most significant role transitions we can experience is that of becoming a parent. Young men approaching the transition to fatherhood face a multitude of challenges and changes throughout this process.

There are several strategies that can be employed to ease the transition and contribute to their success.

CHALLENGES IN THE TRANSITION TO FATHERHOOD Adults are dynamic individuals, developing through constant experience and change.2 Role transitions are some of the most significant changes undergone. Most of the adjustments and stressors experienced during a role transition are characterized by changes in the family structure or in how the family functions. In the transition to fatherhood, both types of changes occur. A new member is added to the family, and changes in family function may include the negotiation of new rules concerning the baby, the redistribution of labor, and a redefining of gender roles and expectations. A new father’s life is fundamentally changed by his parenthood; this 95

transition can come with a myriad of challenges. The trials of parenthood may exhaust available resources to the point of crisis, bring new problems, or magnify old troubles or weaknesses.

The transition to parenthood is one of the most difficult undergone because of the lack of practice available beforehand and the permanence of the transition. The behaviors and perspectives required of a parent can conflict with those of other roles simultaneously assumed. This is especially true for fathers facing the demands of being a father, partner, employee, and male member of society.

Challenges may arise in family life during the transition to fatherhood.

Research has found that a father who is more involved with his child will not necessarily be more satisfied with his family life.3 A father may be involved largely because he thinks he should be and not because of a valid desire. Many fathers may be surprised by the stresses of fatherhood; they may conclude that the challenges outweigh the rewards and be subsequently less confident in their abilities. The addition of an infant to the family can interfere with the couple’s intimacy and may disrupt communication; these effects can contribute to marital discord.4 Navigating the division of increased family labor is also a task faced by new parents.5 Research has found that marital quality may significantly deteriorate after the birth of children.

The challenges of fatherhood can differ based on the sex of the baby.6 Fathers of girls may feel outnumbered and sense a need to compensate for the imbalance by emphasizing their masculinity—which is associated with decreased involvement with their child. Fathers of male children are more likely to be more involved with their baby, and the increase in nurturing behaviors may lead to the man feeling less masculine, which has been associated with lower self-esteem. Neither the decrease in self-esteem associated with the birth of male children nor the lower involvement seen with female children is desirable.

STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS We are going to examine key practices that young, first-time fathers can use in their transition to parenthood. While we don’t know everything about this transition, current research has found several key factors that greatly impact a man’s success during this complicated transition. Fathers who successfully navigate the process of this adjustment have been found to use several coping and preventative strategies in dealing with the stress that comes with becoming a parent. Four of the most valuable strategies include (1) building and maintaining a strong relationship with his 96

partner throughout the transition, (2) possessing a realistic perception of the potential rigors and rewards of fatherhood, (3) remaining flexible and adaptive, and (4) securing a foundation of strong economic, personal, and social resources.

Building and maintaining a strong marital relationship Creating a strong relationship base to build on is necessary to make the transition to parenthood successful. Any weaknesses in a young marriage will only be exacerbated by the addition of a child, so it is vital to address relationship problems before the baby is born. Also, a father’s experience with his transition to fatherhood is greatly shaped by his partner, so it is in his best interest to foster a healthy relationship with her.7 In order to preserve his relationship while navigating this important transition successfully, a man facing fatherhood should make an effort to strengthen his relation“A man armed with ship with his partner. Some strategies a father can employ to strengthen his sensitivity and emrelationship include developing sensipathy will be better tivity and empathy and deemphasizing able to remain conthe importance of romance in favor of friendship and companionship. nected with his partner Sensitivity and empathy are valuthrough the transition able characteristics in a future father. to parenthood.”

Husbands who are less sensitive to the needs and preferences of those around them are more likely to experience a decline in their marital satisfaction after the birth of their baby.8 This is not surprising, as the demands of a new baby can be exhausting to the new mother, who needs support and care during her own transition; a man armed with sensitivity and empathy will be better able to remain connected with his partner through the transition to parenthood.

Research has found that couples who classify their pre-baby marriage as more of a romance than either a friendship or partnership experience greater declines in marital satisfaction after the baby is born.9 The decline in marital quality seen in those who classified themselves as more romantic might be due to the couple’s entertaining of less realistic views about the dynamics of their relationship and the future demands of parenthood.

Reports of more romance before children were associated with greater decreases in husbands’ reports of love for their wives and increase in both husbands’ and wives’ reports of conflict. Because intimacy is often jeop97

ardized with the arrival of a baby, a marriage based on romance may be less enduring. Declines in marital quality were especially prominent among couples that had been married for fewer years, were younger, less educated, and earned less income.

To protect against these challenges, future parents should develop the friendship and partnership elements in their marriage, while deemphasizing the prime importance of romance. While romance is certainly important in marriage, if it is the main foundation of a relationship, the ebb in romance experienced after the baby may prove disastrous. The cooperation, mutual concern, and reciprocal support that characterize friendship and companionship are very valuable during the challenges of parenthood. If friendship and companionship are available to rely on during the struggles of the transition, the satisfaction in the relationship will be better protected against decline.

Gaining an accurate perception of the potential rigors and rewards of fatherhood Fathers face dynamic expectations.10 Accurately envisioning the demands of fatherhood can ease the transition by defining the demands of the new role and identifying challenges that should be expected and prepared “The ability to provide for. To gain an accurate perception of for his partner and the experience of fatherhood, men can turn to their peers who are fathers, and new baby arms a new especially their own fathers, for insight. father with valuable There is also a wealth of literature availconfidence and prevents able to future parents to help prepare them for parenthood. Spending time the damaging effects of with and taking care of children and financial hardship.� infants can also expose a man to the challenges of being responsible for a child. Developing more accurate perceptions of what fatherhood entails could help young men better prepare and eventually own more responsibility as committed fathers.

Remaining flexible and adaptive While a new father’s self-esteem may drop during the initial stages of the transition to parenthood, his self-esteem may eventually be enhanced as parenting skills are developed with experience and practice.11 As fathers effectively adjust to their new roles, a new level of functioning is achieved.

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This rebound from the initial crisis of becoming a father requires flexibility and adaptability. Rigidity in behavior or perspective will not allow a man to grow and change with his new role. The growing pains of fatherhood may be temporarily distressing but if faced with flexibility and optimism, can prove surmountable and necessary for personal development.

Men who have more rigid perspective on gender are more likely to experience distress during the transition to fatherhood.12 When faced with nurturing tasks culturally perceived as feminine, a man who is inflexible in the importance he places on his masculine identity will struggle more than the man who can be flexible and adapt to the new duties of fatherhood. Men with more equal gender attitudes tend to display more activity, responsibility, warmth, and child monitoring than men with less genderequitable values. A more flexible and adaptive perspective on gender roles and expectations can help men adjust to their new duties as fathers. Men who are more flexible in defining their roles and who are willing to sacrifice some of the culturally idealized masculine characteristics in favor of more nurturing and sensitive traits may be able to cope more easily with the stresses of parenthood.

Securing a foundation of strong economic, social, and personal resources Building and accessing a cache of resources is imperative throughout the transition to fatherhood. Helpful resources may include education, job skills, income, family and non-family relationships, life experience, and community support.

One of the most commonly cited factors contributing to a man’s feelings of readiness for fatherhood is the availability of financial resources.13 To better equip himself for a successful transition, a future father should secure a source of income, acquire job skills, and pursue necessary education. The ability to provide for his partner and new baby arms a new father with valuable confidence and prevents the damaging effects of financial hardship.

Fathers should access their social resources for help during their transition. Social resources can take the form of family relationships, peer relationships, community groups, or public services. Men can find relationships of support in organized venues such as a church or a support group, or in more casual settings like their neighborhoods. Fatherhood is a role supported by our culture, and many community members are willing to offer formal or informal support or advice.

Personal coping resources should be developed in the preparation for fatherhood. Flexibility and adaptability, as discussed earlier, are two vital 99

personal skills. Sensitivity and empathy will also aid a man in preserving his relationship with his partner, while enabling him in his new role as father.

Personal resources, in addition to economic and social resources, are invaluable to future fathers.

Transitions in life mark the adoption of new roles and responsibilities.

These transitions can bring stress, challenges, and even crisis. However, the process can also provide opportunities for personal growth and the attainment of new levels of functioning and adaptation. A man’s transition to fatherhood can result in varying levels of failure or success. A successful transition can be facilitated by the use of four key strategies: (1) building and maintaining a strong couple relationship, (2) gaining an accurate perception of the potential rigors and rewards of fatherhood, (3) remaining flexible and adaptive to challenge and changes, and (4) building and accessing a foundation of strong economic, personal, and social resources. These strategies can help men prevent the damaging effects of stressors common to the adjustment to parenthood. While there is no one formula for the ideal transition to fatherhood, men who employ these methods may avoid crisis and emerge from the transition confident, involved, and committed, having experienced minimal detrimental disruption.

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END NOTES 1. C. P. Cowan and P. A. Cowan, “Interventions to Ease the Transition to Parenthood: Why They Are Needed and What They Can Do,” Family Relations 44, no. 4 (October 2005): 412–423.

2. A. S. Rossi, “Transition to Parenthood,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 30, no. 1 (February 1968): 26–39.

3. A. J. Hawkins and J. Belsky, “The Role of Father Involvement in Personality Change in Men Across the Transition to Parenthood,” Family Relations 38, no. 4 (October 1989): 378, 384.

4. J. Belsky and M. Rovine, “Marital Change Across the Transition to Parenthood: Pregnancy to Three Years Post Partum,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 52, no. 1 (February 1990): 5–19.

5. C. P. Cowan, and P. A. Cowan, “Transition to Parenthood,” 412–423.

6. A. J. Hawkins, and J. Belsky, “The Role of Father Involvement,” 378, 384.

7. W. Marsiglio, S. Hutchinson, and M. Cohan, “Young Men’s Procreative Identity: Becoming Aware, Being Aware, and Being Responsible,” Journal of Marriage and Family 63, no. 1 (February 2001): 123–135.

8. J. Belsky and M. Rovine, “Marital Change,” 5–19.

9. Ibid.

10. N. J. Cabrera, C. S. Tamis-LeMonda, R. H. Bradley, S. Hofferth, and M. E. Lamb, “Fatherhood in the Twenty-first Century,” Child Development 71, no. 1 (January/Februay 2000): 127–136.

11. A. J. Hawkins and J. Belsky, “The Role of Father Involvement,” 378, 384.

12. N. J. Cabrera et al, “Fatherhood,” 127–136.

13. K. A. May, “Factors Contributing to First-time Fathers’ Readiness for Fatherhood: An Exploratory Study,” Family Relations 31, no. 3 (July 1982): 353–361.

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IN CONSIDERING ALL YOUR CHOICES TIFFANY DEMINGS Part of the mission of Stance is to increase awareness of current issues affecting the family and to encourage thoughtful dialog about these matters. This article is an honest account that illustrates a common concern among individuals and families. We invite the reader to receive this article with an open mind and heart as listening is an integral part in discussing issues related to the institution of the family.

“My greatest desire was to be a good, faithful, righteous Mormon. But there was something different in me.”

“When traveling to southern Utah for the first time, it is fair to ask, if the redrocks were cut would they bleed. And when traveling to Utah’s desert for the second or third time, it is fair to assume that they do, that the blood of the rocks gives life to the country. . . .

Pull out your pocketknife, open the blade, and run it across your burnished arm. If you draw blood, you are human. If you draw wet sand that dries quickly, then you will know you have become part of the desert. Not until then can you claim ownership.”

—Terry Tempest Williams1 I have never claimed the desert as my own. I never even recognized that I grew up in the desert until recently. When I heard the word “desert” I thought of camels and sand dunes that stretched on for hundreds of miles. Desert meant northern Africa, not southern Utah. But when I scraped my arm while climbing in the red hills, I saw that I and the rock were both stained red. I could not discern between the blood of the rock and the wet sand oozing from and quickly drying on my skin.

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When I spent a night alone with the desert, I realized that I could spend the rest of my life there as a wild woman—living, breathing, and bleeding with the rocks. A year ago, this wasn’t the case; I hated the Utah desert. It was hot. Dry. Brown. Ugly. It also represented everything that I was and everything that I wanted to, but couldn’t be. I grew up in Utah, and rarely ever left it. It embodied my soul, the very essence of myself—everything from the red rocks to the Mormon culture. I hiked in the Red Hills every summer, and ate “funeral potatoes” and green Jell-O salads at every wedding, funeral, and church activity. But I didn’t feel like I fit in—a huge paradox, I know. A large part of it had to do with the fact that my parents have been divorced since I was two years old. My father was excommunicated from the Church, and my mother, though she took us to church every Sunday, struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Though I was very active in the Church and participated in all the community service activities, my family was on the receiving end of church charity.

For a long time I used my family as an excuse for my disconnection from the “Perhaps it was the Church, but the truth is my differences stemmed more from me than my family foreignness of my surissues. One difference I noticed from roundings that forced other girls my age is that I’ve always me to retreat inside been a tomboy. As a child I built forts out of old tarps and discarded wood palmyself and find there from the dumpster down the street. what I had tried to hide lets I hated dresses, and the only time I ever the past few years.” cared for makeup was at age four when I used all of my mom’s red lipstick to paint the entire bottom half of a bedroom door as well as my sister’s mattress. My mom still complains about how hard it was to clean up the lipstick. In my church youth group, Young Women, we had activities that always involved makeovers, beauty tips, and manicures when they were not focused on baking cookies for the little old ladies in the ward who would have benefited more from something with a lot less sugar and a little more actual nutrients.

I couldn’t imagine myself growing into a woman who would get married, have children, and live happily ever after baking casseroles. My greatest desire was to be a good, faithful, righteous Mormon. But there was something different in me. Something evil. Or at least it seemed evil.

It had always been there. For as long as I’d lived in Utah I had this evil something inside of me. I could never put words to it until my freshman 104

year of college. And at that point I didn’t want to put words to it. Because what if it was true? What if my love for her thin fingers, the curve of her smile, and the sound of her voice really meant what it couldn’t possibly mean? What if I really did like girls? But of course I don’t really like girls.

How silly of me to think such a thing. No, it was just a phase. I knew that this feeling, this something, would go away. Because I’m Mormon. And because men only like women and women only like men. I was no exception. I was just confused.

A year ago I thought that I could escape the desert and all that came with it: myself, my culture, and all the religious expectations. I wanted to leave everything behind to find God, and to see that God existed not just in “Mormonville” Utah. So, I flew to a foreign land of dark soil to wander with twenty-nine others who were also foreign to me, all in the name of a university study abroad. The program consisted of a walking tour of the UK, starting in Edinburgh, Scotland, and ending in London, England.

Throughout the trip we hiked over mountain peaks, trekked across fields littered with sheep, and trudged through black heather moors.

As I walked the England countryside I began to believe the people who told me I did not know rain. I didn’t know that rain could fall for longer than five minutes at a time, let alone hours, even days without stopping. I didn’t know rain created landscapes so green and vibrant.

The green land changed not only my perception of rain, but also the condition of my body. My skin was always soft without the aid of moisturizers or lotions; my lips were never chapped; my feet were never dry.

Perhaps it was the foreignness of my surroundings that forced me to retreat inside myself and find there what I had tried to hide the past few years. I went to England in an attempt to run from myself. But all the things I tried to escape followed me like a shadow.

It was in Wales on a rainy day that I realized I couldn’t run. I couldn’t hide from myself. I could no longer pretend to be the perfect little Mormon girl who likes boys. It was in that moldy hostel with dead bugs in the windowsill that I began to feel, in the pit of my stomach, the cold fact that my feelings for women would never dissolve. It was nothing out of the ordinary. We’d hiked a lot and my legs were sore. She offered a massage and as she rubbed my achy muscles, I felt my body betray me. I had never felt that way with a man, and it caused me to question myself and my ideas about relationships and marriage.

As a young woman, I was taught the importance of marriage—that it is ordained of God, and only to be shared between a man and a woman. All through my young womanhood I prepared for marriage. I looked forward to 105

the day that I would find an attractive young man whom I’d fall in love with and marry for eternity. I kept myself pure so I could marry a man who met the checklist requirements I made during our young women church activities.

The man I marry must . . .

• appreciate art and literature • play the piano • sing • speak a foreign language • enjoy traveling • hold the priesthood • have received the Eagle Scout award • have served a full time mission for the Church • love God It had always seemed “right” to hope for a man with all of these qualities because it was what everyone expected me to hope for, find, and marry. And it felt equally “right” to want to be the kind of woman a nice young man would want, because I was taught that that’s what I should aspire to be. Yet, in this foreign place, I explored feelings for a woman–– feelings that should have been foreign to me, but are in all truth a part of me I can’t seem to escape. My religion taught me that it was evil and wrong and of the highest sins to love women the way that I did. Those feelings were an abomination in the sight of God, and my only choice was to run, to hide from my love for women. To deny everything that I felt.

I tried so hard to escape my feelings by praying and begging God to help me overcome. No matter how hard I tried I could never feel God’s love like other church members and leaders said I should feel. I hated myself because I couldn’t be what everyone expected me to be. I visited my bishop, a leader in my church, and told him how I felt. His solution was to marry a man in the temple. But that’s just the thing: I didn’t want to marry a man. I felt betrayed. I felt like my bishop wasn’t listening, like he wanted to avoid the issue by telling me the solution was to get married. I could only imagine marriage deepening my “problem,” my depression, and my self-hatred. But, what if he was right? According to all my religious training in sacrament meetings and Sunday school classes, the bishop was the authority on what God thinks is best.

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I tried to follow my bishop’s advice by dating men. But I couldn’t keep from thinking that I’d never meet a guy who matched my lists completely— until I met boy-from-religion-class. He and I went to an art museum for our first date and discussed the different depictions of Christ throughout various time periods. Another time we cooked foods from a variety of countries, and he confused me with his French speaking skills. For another date we hiked up the canyon, breathing the crisp air of autumn in the desert. With each of our interactions I saw more of the qualities from my lists. Still, I had conflicting feelings as I remembered that even as a young woman I recognized “I hated myself because the frivolity of the lists; they have always been a product of my culture and hold I couldn’t be what everyno real doctrinal merit. However, when I one expected me to be.” was fourteen I received a special blessing from a priesthood leader in my church, a blessing which came from one having authority to speak for God—a blessing in which I was promised, if I remained worthy, that I would choose a young man with goals and aspirations in life similar to mine and that we would marry in the holy temple. I thought that I could marry boy-from-religion-class because he was everything that I’d wanted; he fit the specifications, and he would be the kind of guy that I could introduce to all my church friends explaining how he was “the one.”

But life isn’t that simple. He wasn’t interested in me, and the only attraction I felt for him was actually for the music he played on the piano.

One of the characters in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice says, “There are few of us who have heart enough to be really in love without encouragement.” 2 The culture I live in is overwhelmed with Disney fairytales about marriage and happily ever after, and almost everywhere I turn someone is either getting married or expecting me to get married. I’ve had roommates who squeal over the fact that a boy is in our kitchen talking to me, because that’s apparently a big step toward marriage. I wonder what Jane Austen meant about how few have heart to love without encouragement. I know that women are always encouraging marriage within the culture I live, but it isn’t only that. I have a printed copy of my blessing telling me I’ll marry a man.

Whenever I face a challenge or conflict like this, no matter how deep I search for a solution, I always come back to this passage of scripture: Revelation 3:20, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and sup with him, and he with me.” There is a painting depicting this scene, and it is my favorite 107

picture of Jesus. In the painting he stands knocking on a door with no outside handle. I love the dark colors—the grey stones, the varying browns of the door, the dirt, the tree looming in the background, and the deep red hue of Christ’s robe that matches the tiniest tints in Christ’s auburn hair.

I suppose the painting, as well as the scripture, has brought me comfort because it symbolizes first, the idea that Christ is always there for me and that he will love me no matter what I do, say, or feel. Second, it symbolizes how my life is: a closed door allowing access only to those whom I let in. I am the keeper of my life, and I have the choice to do what I feel is right. I decide whether I will open the door; no one else does. I’m reminded of a quote by Michael Cunningham: “There is comfort in facing all of your options; in considering all your choices, fearlessly and without guile.”3 I didn’t understand what it meant to consider all my choices until I talked with my mom about my attractions for women. I had been scared to talk to her, but knew I needed to more than anything. She knew it too, and so “I found God. I found she began asking me questions. I didn’t even have to find the words to tell her faith. But I also found that I liked women. She picked up on all that I can’t escape my my little hints. When we went to lunch feelings. I can’t run she noticed the book I had about “love between women.” She saw my frustrafrom myself.” tion over how much people don’t understand about same-gender attraction and same-sex marriage. The one thing that confirmed it all for her was a poem I wrote, which placed in a love/hate contest and was read on a podcast. After listening to the poem she said she could tell that it was about a specific woman I talked of often. She asked me what I thought I would do with my life. Would I date women? Did I still want children? I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say or what to feel because my mom asked me questions I’d never even thought to consider. I wanted to accept the lesbian part of me, but only so I would stop hurting myself—only so I could be a better Mormon, a better wife, a better mother. No questions. No alternatives. That’s how it is supposed to be—that is the only way, the only option. I didn’t think I had any other choices to consider.

But the truth is, I don’t have to follow the Mormon cultural standards. I don’t have to get married and have children and live the standards of the Mormon Church. I could date women. I could date men. I could live the gospel. Or I could not. I could find another religion or not have one at all. Seeing these options as feasible options is freeing. The bur108

den of following the church teachings simply because it was “the right thing” to do was lifted from my shoulders. I don’t like to do things out of obligation or because someone holds some sort of expectation for me.

My mom taught me that it’s okay to look beyond my culture and all the expectations I feel people have for me. When I told her that I don’t know what choice I want to make—that I don’t know if I want to stay in the Church or if I want to look for a woman to spend my life with—she said that she would love me no matter what I chose. She would support me through every decision in my life. Like the painting of Christ at the door, I find a great deal of comfort in my mother’s love. My mom has taught me the true power of love—the power of God. One of my personal goals for traveling to England was to find God outside of the only realm I’ve always known. I wanted to escape myself, my family, and my land to see what I could find. I thought I would find God. I thought I would find faith in my religion—that my testimony of the Mormon Church would grow and I’d be able to reject and escape my feelings for women. I found God. I found faith. But I also found that I can’t escape my feelings. I can’t run from myself.

England was a fantastical experience; I almost think at times that it was a dream. The green, the rain, the stone-wall fences, and the Listerine-blue ocean. While I walked the green land I learned that God can be found everywhere. That God resides not only in the white temples throughout Utah, but in the cathedrals throughout England, in the mountain peaks across Scotland, in the rocks and reservoirs and too-skinny horses grazing in Welsh fields.

I came to learn that God is in people. It wasn’t until several months after returning to the Utah desert, the cracked hands, the chapped lips, and the dry feet that I began to recognize that God was in me. And because of this presence of God—of love—I am able to see the goodness in myself, as well as in others. I have a heightened sense of self, of compassion, of what it means to accept, of what it means to no longer want to hide, of what it means to be found.

If the desert is holy, it is because it is a forgotten place that allows us to remember the sacred. Perhaps that is why every pilgrimage to the desert is a pilgrimage to the self. There is no place to hide and so we are found.4 I do not question anymore. I am the desert.

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END NOTES 1. Terry Tempest Williams, Red: Passion and Patience in the Desert, (New York: First Vintage Books, 2002).

2. Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, (New York: Bantam Classic, 2003).

3. Michael Cunningham, The Hours, (New York: Picador USA, 1998).

4. Williams, Red.

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DEATH SMELLS LIKE VANILLA BROOKE EMERY

“Everybody must surrender to Death eventually, and when it was time, he stepped from the corner gently but firmly to claim what was his.”

AT FIRST, WHEN DEATH CAME unexpectedly into our lives, he looked like crowded hospital rooms, brain tumor growth charts, and shadows growing under tired eyes. He sounded like groaning, home-delivered hospice beds that move up and down with a remote. He felt like cold wheelchair handles and stiff fresh sheets. But most of all, he smelled like the vanilla air freshener, meant for cars, that we attached to the fan to keep the smell of sickness away.

Death didn’t leave, although he did benevolently bestow his time. He stood patiently in the corner for seven and a half weeks while our hearts shattered again and again. Every day I looked, and every day he nodded sadly, as if to say, “It’s coming.” Everybody must surrender to Death eventually, and when it was time, he stepped from the corner gently but firmly to claim what was his.

When Death advanced from the corner, tendrils of vanilla wove through the room. Death was different now. He looked like white roses on dark mahogany. He sounded like emptiness. He felt like frozen high heels sinking into a snow-covered graveyard. But most of all, Death smelled like the vanilla that still clung to the empty room.

It was 116 days ago that Death advanced from the corner. I know; I’m counting. I avoid that empty vanilla room even though it has the best reading chair in the whole house. I’m afraid that if I look, I will see Death’s austere figure waiting patiently in the corner again.

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That was in the bleakest part of the winter. But now that winter’s gone, flowers and trees dare to defy Death as they burst into bloom. The sun and the birds come back from their vacations in the south. As the weather gets warmer, the coldness in my heart slowly melts. Time passes and heals me in its inexplicable way. Every day, the vanilla smell fades a little more.

Today, I make cookies. I stop completely as the smell of vanilla takes me away. But it’s not the smell of Death’s cheap car-freshener vanilla. It’s the smell of real, rich, warm vanilla. It swirls me through memories of former days; a poignant montage of Band-Aids and kisses on a skinned knee, warm cookies on a rainy day, and enveloping hugs that make everything okay. It’s the first time since Death came that vanilla reminds me of fullness, not emptiness.

Death smells like vanilla. But maybe, just maybe, hope smells like vanilla too.

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Stance for the Family was created to encourage students from all disciplines to research and write about the institution of marriage and family. Stance emphasizes the impact that marriage and family have on society and increases awareness of current issues affecting the family.