We Can Do That

By the Spilsbury Mortuary Staff

“Daddy always wore a hat.” That was the first thing she said when we sat down together. Her father had lived well into his nineties. He was of the generation that dressed up to go on airplanes or to take a rare visit to the department store. She wanted to put his brown fedora in the casket with him, but she thought the request was out of the ordinary. “We can do that,” we reassured her.

She wanted everything for her father’s service to be perfect, but there were a few details about which she and her sibling disagreed. Getting the service just right is very difficult when the person you are honoring is no longer present to make decisions. What means something to you may be trivial to a sibling. Yes, there are strong opinions surrounding the arrangements—and strong emotions. “When I’m done with this funeral,” she went on to say, “I think I’ll write down my own wishes so that my kids don’t have this kind of stress.” I looked at her and smiled. “We can do that for you.”

She was genuinely surprised to have that option, but who could blame her? Most people don’t think about funerals until they are forced upon them, and they don’t spend enough time planning for their own. There is a lot to think about: getting the will right, choosing the plots, and allocating the funds to pay for it. We try to make it easier.

That woman came back a few weeks later. First, she wanted to thank us for being patient with her and her family. Then, she wanted to pre-plan her own service. I think she was worried that if she suddenly died, her sister would plan the funeral and get it wrong. As we sat down with her and helped her through the process, she enjoyed thinking about her favorite things, the people who have meant a lot to her, and the kind of music she loved.

During the hour we spent together, she reminisced and remembered stories and details she hadn’t thought about for years. When we were done, she left feeling completely content, knowing that the service would be just as she planned it and that her children wouldn’t be strapped with the expenses. We also found an affordable plan she could pay on monthly.

Our business is all about feelings: acknowledging loss, respecting families, and helping people process their emotions at a stressful time. It’s not always about grief. Some people feel guilty about feeling relieved at the death of a loved one who suffered for years with a debilitating illness. Some people deny all feelings. But one thing is certain: nearly everybody who pre-plans their service feels a sense of contentment, even happiness, at taking control of their last goodbye.