RANCHELLE IN THE RAW

Exploring More of My Dark Side

“The Dark Side Is In Our Blood.”

Kylo Ren to Rey in

“The Last Jedi”

When you go through most of your life with the belief that you aren’t enough and you spend that same life pretending you are, you tend to avoid the inevitable ‘dark side’ or ‘shadow self’.

Today, Ranchelle in the Raw is not only about facing my dark side but embracing it. There is a challenge for me in writing this article and that is making sure that I share my story (stand ON it) and not stand IN it. There is a difference between the two. In one, I live in the story and feel what I felt, and in the other, I share with you with the purpose of living my purpose which is to talk about the shit no one talks about.

The dark side or shadow self is one of those topics that we don’t like to chat about. All of us are both light and dark. We have redeeming qualities and not. The challenge I think we have is that we have been taught to put our best foot forward, to fake it ‘til we make it, to have a business face and a personal face. These aren’t wrong, mind you, but they do certainly play into the theory that we should just pretend to be okay when we aren’t, to not recognize our dark side and how it is affecting us.

My dark side felt really dark. Secrets from childhood that I felt couldn’t be expressed. A deep feeling of not being enough. Not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, ambitious enough, lovable enough. Simply JUST NOT ENOUGH. It led me to behave in ways that did not support my dreams and goals -- procrastination, not following through on commitments, fear

by Ranchelle Van Bryce of intimacy, working too many hours and more.

I considered each perceived ‘failure’ was proof that I wasn’t enough. Two ex-husbands, an extremely successful business that over the years swung to an almost bankrupt Ranchelle, loss of friends because I failed to follow through on a collaboration are just a few examples of the proof that I had that I just couldn’t cut it. This proof led to the shadow self of me take over.

This belief, this feeling, was insidious as hell. I would take steps to overcome it, come out of hiding, do some sort of activity that I thought would move me forward, be scared, feel fear, not perform at my greatest potential, see the proof that I sucked and retreat. Rinse and repeat.

In 2019, I started a deep dive into my beliefs, and consequently, my shadow side.

I literally made a list of beliefs that were stopping me from living the life I desired. The first three were easy to write down as they were very apparent. Not feeling good enough, fear of being judged and feeling like I was living a lie. These all led to behaviours that were not supporting me, procrastination, lack of motivation and an inability to follow through on my commitments.

At first, I felt sick to my stomach. I got caught up in all the people I had disappointed, especially myself. Then I started on the work of forgiveness. I started to, on a daily basis, study The Universal Laws. I started to journal, meditate, visualize, and have a renewed relationship with Divine. These weren’t new activities to me, but the consistency, the dedication, the commitment, were.

I started to embrace all parts of me: my past and my present. I had a deeper understanding of one Universal Law that made all of the difference to me - The Law of Polarity - simply stated that everything is created as a whole. If I am experiencing poverty, abundance is there. If there is a left, there is a right, an up and a down. Love and hate. Procrastination and anticipation or dedication. It is not JUST one side.

This gave me hope. If I was experiencing ‘not enough’, then, by The Law, ‘enough’ was also available to me. I just couldn’t see it. I started to connect to Divine at a deeper level. Ask for guidance to show me the way.

I realized that my dark side was a gift. It was showing me what else was and is possible.

I also realized that my hiding myself was my attempt to show the world that I was perfect, which is a lie and that what people wanted was ME, all of me - the good, the bad, the ugly. I also started to realize that by denying myself of this part was denying the opportunity of growth.

And, most importantly, I started to own my own shit. I started to tell people when I dropped the ball, “Damn - I totally dropped the ball on that, let me pick it up and run with it now.”

What's most important about our dark side? It’s the opportunity to see where our most growth can happen. The more deeply I understand the three that I shared with you, the more opportunity that I have to dive deeper into the other parts of myself that I don’t like; passive aggressive and manipulation are two that have emerged recently. When I feel threatened, these deeper shadow selves emerge. They can’t be ignored. This part of me is demanding attention! No longer can I stuff her down. I say this with so much gratitude. Grateful that I have an opportunity to unpack this part of my personality and give ‘her’ what she needs to heal. We aren’t meant to ignore our dark side. We are meant to embrace and heal, to overcome that side of ourselves so that the Divine in us can shine even brighter.

“In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.”

- Francis Bacon