I failed as A stepmom

by Danielle Klooster

It may be seen as a shocking confession to come out and actually say I failed as a stepmom. But there you have it.

The inclination might be to say things like, “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself,” or “Beating yourself up doesn’t help.” And I agree – if the sole intent of this confession is just to wallow in self-recrimination, then it’s just a defeated diatribe. Let’s not do that. Let’s learn and grow.

Meddling and muddling

My stepchild came into my life at four years of age and had just turned five when I married her dad. She lived with her mom, about an hour away, and we saw her every second weekend. She was (is) a lively, sunny, outgoing person who was always quick with a compliment for everyone she met (no cashier ever felt so glamorous and beautiful as when this little lady went through their till!). She was also super drawn to mischief and lightning fast with getting into things. A handful, but a joy.

Over the years, there were periods of time when she came to live with us. She had a lot of stress in her life and had difficulty coping. There’s no manual for parenting, as they say, but there’s not even a handy reference sheet for step-parenting. I tried to parent her like I parented my own kids, but that was ridiculous, since she wasn’t my kid, and she already had a mom and a dad, and I was not either one of those. I have a markedly different philosophy

and approach to parenting than do her parents, and that was a source of stress and conflict. I didn’t agree with a lot of how her dad parented her, and of course I felt I could fix it, so I got smack dab in the middle of their relationship, trying to manage him, manage her, referee, advise, parent, wife, etc. That was a disaster.

Much of the time, both her dad and I felt fairly helpless and ill-equipped to know how best to support her and parent her. We just muddled along. I then learned from an expert that a stepparent is not to ty and parent in the conventional way. Her dad needed to be the primary in parenting, and my job was to support him in whatever way. I liked that, both because I felt like it was better if I got out of their way and let them build their own relationship, whatever that would look like, and because it took a burden off of me.

Upsetting the apple cart

Really, if I’m honest, what it boiled down to was how I like my life to go and how much stepparenting didn’t work into my plan. I like structure. I like order. I like my house clean, tidy, and calm. I like predictable and well-managed and straightforward. I mean, we all know that life doesn’t actually go that way, but I like to keep things as – er – controlled and buttoned-down as possible. I couldn’t get to that with this situation because it wasn’t mine to manage. So I checked out. I withdrew as much as I could from any sort of relationship that might look like parenting. I told myself that it was “best practice”, but, in truth, it was just easier for me. I let myself off the hook from doing the hard work of figuring out and navigating what a healthy, meaningful stepparent/stepchild relationship could look like. I abdicated.

Outcomes and opportunities

I’m not responsible for valleys and hard times this young lady went through in her life. I’m also not responsible for her successes and triumphs. There have been lots of both, like there are for everyone. She’s had plenty of other leaders in her life and it would be pretty egotistical of me to think it all rises and falls on me. I can say I did my best with the knowledge I had at the time, and that might be mostly true, but it doesn’t erase the fact that I cared more about my stress levels and how things felt and went for me than I should have. Yes, I deserve to have the life I want. But I had a child in my life who deserved that, too. I had a chance to model some things for her and speak into her life, but, instead, much of the time, I opted out. I own what I own. Maybe, all things being relative, some might think it’s not really that bad. Like maybe failed is too strong a word. I just know I let her down and, in so doing, I let myself down.

Today, my stepdaughter continues to be vibrant and beautiful. She still dishes out compliments like candy (so do her children, which is a lovely trait she obviously models for them). She’s a good mom, and she’s embarking on a new career and moving forward. I’m proud of her. Since she became an adult, we’ve forged a good friendship and I’ve been able to help her and support her through some challenges.

Forgiveness

Ultimately, what saved us both is one thing: forgiveness. We both forgive each other, and I forgive myself. This is something I practice regularly, since the temptation to look back and feel ashamed sometimes looms large.

Parenting is not easy. Stepparenting can be a quagmire and feel a lot like a no-win situation. Had I practiced more grace and forgiveness, with her and with myself, throughout those years, it might have been easier. But I’m doing it now.

Danielle Klooster is the Editor in Chief of Sharp Women Magazine and a partner in Sharp Women. She also owns and operates Danikloo Consulting and Munikloo. She lives in Penhold, Alberta.