PERSONAL GROWTH HOLDING SPACE FOR LIFE

HOLDING SPACE FOR LIFE

3 STEPS TO NAVIGATE LIFE’S COMPLEXITIES

by Katherine Loranger

On top of the latest rounds of lockdowns, life is bringing some pretty heavy content right now to a lot of people I know. Either they, or someone they know is navigating a life-threatening health diagnosis and ensuing treatment.

Some of them have suddenly and unexpectedly lost someone close to them through death or divorce. Some are navigating the uncertainty of running a business during a global pandemic and the potentially devastating financial implications for them and their family.

Some are coming face to face with the reality of the quality, or lack thereof, of their most important relationships now that they can’t avoid each other in the day-to-day busyness of running their lives.

And some are choosing to dig deep and consciously excavate, unearth and repattern long ago planted seeds of unworthiness, comparison, or other limiting beliefs. Choosing to lean into this time of “the great pause” and to take time to design their next becoming. Choosing to dream and to create and to do the corresponding work.

An Opportunity

What this brings to mind for me, is that all of this provides us with an opportunity. An opportunity to hold space for life.

In therapeutic terms holding space for someone means being physically, mentally and emotionally present for them. Giving them your unconditional presence and positive regard. Suspending judgement and the desire to ‘fix’ anything and allowing them to fully feel whatever emotion or experience they’re in, knowing that they are far more than their experience in that moment.

Holding space for yourself is how you do that for yourself. Treating yourself with kindness, care, selfcompassion, and non-judgement. Allowing yourself to be present for whatever you’re going through, giving yourself an opportunity to lean in and reflect on what’s going on and to develop a deeper understanding of yourself. Holding the truth that you are more than this experience. More than this circumstance.

Holding Space for Life

Holding space for life though, what does that mean?

This is something that came to me in a recent coaching call with a client. Sometimes life brings heavy content. Content that’s part of the human experience that we’ll all have at some point in time. Holding space for life means that in those challenging experiences we hold space for life to show up exactly as it is. Without judgement, without trying to fix it, without trying to run from or avoid it. We just allow life to show up. Messy, and imperfect, and sometimes devastating and shitty. And in holding space, we allow it to be all that, and more.

In holding space for life, we choose to come from a both / and energy rather than an either / or energy.

Life can be both messy and beautiful, joyful and devastating, vibrant and full of decay. In holding space for life, we can soften into knowing that this too shall pass, and we open to the beauty that still exists.

I’m reminded of the Taoist story of the farmer and the stallion that is attributed to Alan Watts.

~ Once upon a time there was a Chinese farmer whose horse ran away. That evening, all of his neighbors came around to commiserate. They said, “We are so sorry to hear your horse has run away. This is most unfortunate.” The farmer said, “Maybe.” The next day the horse came back bringing seven wild horses with it, and in the evening, everybody came back and said, “Oh, isn’t that lucky. What a great turn of events. You now have eight horses!” The farmer again said, “Maybe.”

The following day his son tried to break one of the horses, and while riding it, he was thrown and broke his leg. The neighbors then said, “Oh dear, that’s too bad,” and the farmer responded, “Maybe.” The next day the conscription officers came around to conscript people into the army, and they rejected his son because he had a broken leg. Again, all the neighbors came around and said, “Isn’t that great!” Again, he said, “Maybe.” ~ Alan Watts

Life is complicated and messy and it’s very difficult to ultimately know what the outcome of any situation will be because we still don’t have the full story. Holding space for life allows us to hold the knowing of the fullness, the complexity, and that what we are currently experiencing may have an unexpected positive outcome.

Three Ways

So, if life is bringing you challenging content here are three steps you can use right now to hold space for life.

1. Notice what you’re noticing. Pay attention to where you’re focusing. Just like the farmer and the stallion we don’t know if it’s going to be a good thing or a bad thing. Granted, things can feel pretty bad in the moment and this is not to dismiss that sometimes it really does suck. But what you focus on you will find more of, and it will actually start to direct your reticular activating system (the part of the brain whose job it is to mediate our overall levels of consciousness) to find more of what you don’t want and more of what’s not working. 2. Shift or expand your focus. This is really about expanding your awareness and knowing that life is much more than what you’re going through right now. This is not dismissing the challenging condition but its shifting to that both/and perspective.

Expanding your focus helps to bring balance to the experience and opens your mind to the possibility that there may be some good here for you.

3. Allow yourself to feel the feelings and emotions but don’t set up camp there. Too often we can get stuck in the feelings and while it is so important to honor and hold space for our feelings and emotions to emerge, we don’t want to get caught in a downward spiral. So, try an experiment of giving yourself a set time to honor your feelings and emotions, feel them and then when you’ve finished your appointment consciously shift your focus and your state. You can always schedule multiple times to express and release those emotions and by putting boundaries around them it can help to keep you from living in a state of overwhelm and allow you to keep moving forward with your life.

As you hold space for your life and the lives of those around you, remember that everyone, including you, is doing the best they can in any moment. Sometimes we are more resourced than others and so my invitation to you is to lean into compassion for yourself and for those around you. You’ve got this and I believe in you.

Katherine specializes in helping heart-centered entrepreneurs, solopreneurs, business owners and dreamers build their dreams, accelerate their results and create richer, more fulfilling lives. She holds an M.Ed in Counselling, and is an NLP practitioner, and is certified as a life mastery consultant.