Shattered Magazine December 2012

December 2012

Real life. Real hope. Real purpose.

how to comfort y o u r loved ones

m o r e

his gifts of

Hope a n d Peace

Frazzled t h a n

Festive

“May the God of hope fi ll you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overfl ow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

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{Romans 15:13}

Cover Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight

D E C E M B E R

from the

Editor W

elcome to the December issue of Shattered Magazine!

This month, we are focusing in on the reason for hope. Our hope, for this life and for eternity, comes from the birth of the baby Jesus in that manger stall so many years ago. On that day, a revolution, with the outcome already planned and known, was started. The Lord was coming back to claim His people as His own and to offer them the hope of salvation and everlasting life. On that day, lesser kings, earthly kings, trembled in fear. Satan shook in his shorts and trembled with dread – knowing that his end was near, he launched a full-scale counter attack that continues to this day.

As the author of all chaos, death, and destruction, Satan will do anything he can to prevent us from experiencing Jesus and the hope of eternity. He attacks us with lies about ourselves, guilt about our failures, insecurities, death of loved ones, sickness and disease, wars, famine, natural disasters – but we are not without hope and Christmas reminds us why.

On Christmas day, we celebrate the greatest rescue mission that was ever launched in the history of mankind. Jesus’ triumphant rescue of us is the eternal source of true hope as He came to offer us His grace, His power, His love, and His blood so that we may cover ourselves, find refuge in

Him, strengthen ourselves for battle, and be victorious in the war.

When we struggle, when we lose loved ones, when we lose our jobs, when we lose our way and it’s difficult to find reasons to hope, we need to keep in mind that we have a source of hope that will be there for us constantly if we ask Him. Our reason to hope is no longer in this world. It is in the knowledge that we have a greater hope, and that is what we should celebrate this season.

This hope will allow us to transcend the darkest hours with a grace and beauty that will cause others to wonder what is inside us. As true hope, the kind that doesn’t depend on life’s circumstances, overflows from our lives and out onto others around us, people will take notice and God’s glory will spread.

Our prayer at Shattered Magazine is that you will begin to see beauty in the brokenness, that you will feel the joy and peace deep inside your hearts as you begin to trust in the Lord, and that you might be strengthened and empowered for the battles ahead. He loves you, He cares for you, and He will come through for you.

May your holidays be blessed and your joy constant.

December 2012 3

Laugh a Little This photo came from the backyard of Rachael’s Dad’s house in Sandpoint, Idaho, and was taken by Margie Franklin. Thanks to all of our Facebook followers who joined in a little laughter and came up with these playful captions!

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“I’m ‘bearly’ hangin’ on!” – Pat

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SHATTERED Magazine

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“Little pig, little pig, let me in!” – Keith S.

way…”

Tim A. out this g in k a e n s catch me ill never w d a D “Mom and

“Hey, can Goldilocks come out to play?” – Donna D. 4

Nene!” – Krystal A.

– Sandi W.

On the Inside

C O N T R I B U T O R S

J

www.shatteredmagazine.net

EDITORS

Rachael Jackson Doris Riccelli

WRITERS

Jessica Chenoweth Diane Floate Rachael Jackson Doris Riccelli

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DESIGNER

Z

6 No Room at this Inn 9 In the Still of the Night 10 My Christmas Angel 13 Unhindered Worship 14 How to Comfort Your Loved Ones 16 When God Whispers a Name 19 His Gifts of Hope and Peace 23 True Love Will . . .

24 Finding Herself and her Mama Again 28 More Frazzled Than Festive 30 Footprints of Faith 35 Waft of Smoke 38 Pennies From Heaven

Andrea Wilhelm PHOTOGRAPHERS

Morgan Knight Patti Weldon Wendi Keller WEBSITE

Lee Dannelly

E

F

SHATTERED’S Purpose

The mission of Shattered Magazine is to reveal the power of God and give Him glory through the personal stories of those who have overcome strife and been redeemed by His goodness and grace. We are dedicated to preparing, strengthening, and encouraging others to conquer all things through Jesus Christ so they can have hope and experience the true peace and joy that only comes from the Lord.

December 2012 5

Room Inn no

Photo Credit: Andrea Wilhelm

At this

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by Jessica

SHATTERED Magazine

Chenoweth

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me.”

I

magine what Mary must have thought as her labor pains began and she was in a new place far away from her immediate family.

She was frightened and unsure of what lay ahead. She must have begun to panic as Joseph scurried from door to door trying to find a comfortable place for her to give birth, only to be turned away. No room at this inn.

Maybe for a brief moment she felt confused and forgotten by God. Why would God allow His Son to be born in a stable? Why had no one made room for them in the inn?

Perhaps God feels like that with us sometimes.

He longs to reveal His presence in our lives, but we have left Him no room. We fill our lives with our careers, families, and friends.

We sign up for sports, activities, and clubs.

We run ourselves ragged with schedules we often create for ourselves that often times by the end of our day there is no room at the inn of our hearts for God’s Word.

And what about the residents that we allow to secretly occupy our lives? What about deep seeds of bitterness, jealousy, and selfishness?

What about disappointment, despair, and shame? The rooms of our hearts are filled to capacity, and Jesus often ends up forgotten in the stable.

Interestingly, Jesus was still born at the Godappointed time. The fact that none of the innkeepers made room for Mary did not stop God from fulfilling His purpose. The only ones who missed out on the blessing were the innkeepers with no room. Instead the lowly shepherds, faithfully caring for their precious sheep, got to experience a heavenly concert of angelic proportion. They were the chosen ones to receive the birth announcement and

see the Son of God first. The shepherds, with no roofs over their heads, had made room for the Messiah in their hearts.

Sadly, think about how many moments with God we must miss out on. How many times has God come knocking on our hearts only to discover we have left no room for Him? God’s plan will be carried out regardless. We are the ones who miss out on the blessing of being able to participate in that plan.

God will never force Himself on us. Like the verse in the text says, Jesus knocks on the door, but leaves the decision to us as to whether or not to open that door. We must begin to desire His residence in our lives more than those other empty distractions that have become long time guests. It isn’t easy evicting some of the things we allow to dominate our lives because they have become embedded like a crimson stain on white carpet.

The work is worth it though! There is nothing sweeter than experiencing a daily personal relationship with God. He is Daddy, Friend, Redeemer, Comforter, Shepherd, Bread of Life, and Son of God all rolled into one.

He only adds blessings to our lives, and we can trust Him completely because His Word tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5).

If we have allowed our hearts to be full with everything but God, it is time to hand out some eviction notices. If we need to clean out some rooms, now is the time to do it! Make sure our vacancy sign is always on! There is room in this inn, God, please come stay with me!

December 2012 7

So, since we have been made

righteous

by His grace, we can inherit the

hope

for eternal life.

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Photo Credit: Wendy Keller

{Titus 3:7}

Still

In the

Night

of the

In the still of the night when no one but me is awake, When I’m lost in pain’s clutches and my heart just might break.

When doubts plague me and the fear rages within my breast, When my weary soul wonders if I’ll ever find rest.

I call out to You in the midst of my pain.

I beg for the sunshine instead of the rain.

You are the Master Physician and Healer of men, Father, I am in need of Your power again.

The enemy presses me on every side, He wants me to doubt You, but still I abide.

You spread Your mighty wings over me drawing me near.

I’m engraved on Your palms and I know that You’re there.

This life is not easy and was never promised to be, The hope that I have is that You are walking beside me.

This pain, these trials are being used by You To teach me compassion and to see things anew.

Photo Credit: Margie Franklin

You too suffered when nailed to that tree You paid the punishment that was intended for me.

Father help me to trust You when I don’t understand I know that these trials are a part of Your plan.

One day I will see You face to face, The first thing that I’ll do is thank You for grace.

I’ll wrap my arms around You and my love I will show, For in the still of the night, You never let go.

by Jessica

Chenoweth December 2012 9

}

My Christmas Angel shared by

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Doris Riccelli

Main Photo Credit: Wendy Keller

Continued from “My Comfort and Strength” from the November 2012 Issue

B

y mid-July my mom began to experience difficulty breathing. At one point she had become so critical that she needed to be hospitalized. It was then that her oncologist decided to do a bone marrow biopsy to find out if the myelodysplasia syndrome had worsened. It had. The results showed acute leukemia. There was nothing more the doctors could do to fight the disease. They now could only treat the symptoms and make her as comfortable as possible. They gave her three to six months to live. Short of a miracle, there was no hope. It was a sure thing that I was going to lose my best friend – the wind beneath my wings – my champion – my hero – my mommy.

By the time summer came to an end, my mom was getting blood transfusions on a regular weekly basis. The transfusions were the only way to replace the red blood cells, white bloods cells, and platelets that were being destroyed by the leukemia. She typically received two units of blood, but sometimes needed more, and generally one to two units of platelets. I came to a whole new understanding and appreciation of “donating blood” and “blood drives.”

I found myself holding onto every day, every hour, and every minute – not ever knowing when her final moment of life would be. I knew I wanted to be with my mom when she died. I couldn’t imagine not being by her side, holding her hand, and loving on her when she took her last breath.

September turned into October with all its beauty. The changing colors of fall always reminded me of how God shows us that there is “beauty in death.” My mom exuded this very thing before my eyes. It was evident that the leukemia had taken its toll on her body. Her physical beauty had been stripped away, but her spiritual beauty was radiating ever so brilliantly.

One Sunday morning as she stood beside me in church singing during the worship service, my eldest brother glanced down the row from where he was standing. As he looked beyond me, he could see an aurora coming from our mother. She was emanating the peace of the Holy Spirit.

Tears filled his eyes. He was consumed with joy and sadness at the same time. He, too, was about to lose his precious mommy, but she was bound for Heaven’s Gates, and he knew it. She had accepted Jesus as her Personal Lord and Savior years earlier, and even death was not going to rob her of her beauty. The disease had caused her face to become sunken, her eyes to become darkened, and her body to become swollen, but the Holy Spirit had caused her heart to become softened, her spirit to become joyful, and her soul to become radiant. She knew she was on her way to spend eternity with the Lord, and no matter how she looked on the outside she was ever more beautiful on the inside. It is written in the Bible, “But the Lord said to Samuel, Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.

Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks

at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).

The nights grew longer and the air became colder as November arrived. Each day was a precious gift as it was evident the leukemia was like a piranha devouring my mom’s body. She had blood transfusions every four to five days, and generally she would need more than one unit of platelets to stop the internal and external bleeding. But no matter how weak she felt, she was determined to take care of certain things. She wanted to make sure that when she passed all her business matters were in order. We spent days sorting through and shredding old documents and other paperwork that were no longer necessary to keep. We went to various banks and changed names on accounts. We even went shopping one last time together. She wanted to be the one to pick out and buy the outfit she would be buried in. Even as sick as she was, she still was being just like the mother I had always known.

My mom ended up selecting a beautiful purple velour top with matching pants for her “final resting outfit.” I had been looking through clothes on another rack when she found it, and later she shared with me a comical story. As she held up the outfit and looked at it, another female shopper said to her, “That is a lovely outfit. I wore something very similar to a wedding I just went to.”

When my mom told me what the woman had said, my response was, “Did you tell her that you were wearing it to your funeral?”

She waved her hand at me and laughed as she said, “Oh no.

I didn’t want to upset her!” I shook my head and thought to myself how much I wanted to be like my mother – always thinking of others first. There she was – shopping for clothes for her funeral, and she didn’t want to upset someone else.

What a remarkable lady she was.

By the time the holidays arrived, my mom had deteriorated quite a bit. We didn’t know if she would live until Thanksgiving, let alone Christmas. She had grown weaker and was on a steady diet of blood transfusions every three days. But Thanksgiving came and she was still holding on.

We took a number of pictures that day before dinner at my brother and sister-in-law’s house, and even though she just sat on the loveseat the entire time, having the pictures taken exhausted her. By the time we gathered around the table to eat, she was struggling to breathe.

Soon after we began to dine, she started to bleed externally.

She tried with grace to get through the meal, but it was difficult. I wanted to take her to the hospital, but she wanted to just go home. So I took her and my dad back to their apartment.

After I got my parents settled in, my mom told me that she was going to lie down and when she woke up she would  December 2012 11

be a new person. I truly believe she thought she was going to die that night. But she didn’t.

By morning her bleeding had worsened, and there was no doubt now that she needed medical attention, so my sisterin-law and I took her to the emergency room, and she was admitted into the hospital. Her doctor told us then that she would never be well enough to go home. I was saddened because my mom’s desire was to die at home and not in “some sterile hospital with strangers all around” as she had said quite often. However, there was no choice but to keep her there for now.

Over the next two weeks, my mom suffered not only from the leukemia, but from pneumonia and infections as well.

It broke my heart to see her in such misery. One morning she experienced a major bleed and had to receive five units of blood; the most she had ever had at one time. However, that massive amount of fresh blood extended her life. After a couple of days it was as though she was a new person.

She was doing so well that the doctor released her from the hospital. I was filled with excitement. My mommy was

When I said that I wanted to take her to the hospital, she absolutely refused to go. I didn’t like it, but I respected her wishes. I didn’t want to leave her side, but I needed to put my ten-year-old daughter who was with me to bed. I told my mom that I would be back at 10:30 to spend the night with her, and she agreed that that would be alright.

I went home and took care of the things that I needed to do. My oldest brother was staying with me, so he and I went back to our parents’ apartment at 10:45. As I opened the door, I saw my mom lying on the floor in front of where she had been sitting earlier when we saw her. She appeared to have slid off of the loveseat.

As I walked across the room, I asked her why she was on the floor. She didn’t answer. As I knelt down beside her, I asked her again what she was doing on the floor. She didn’t answer. I began shouting, “Mom! Mom!” And then . . . then . . . then it hit me. My mom had died. God had called her home to be with Him on the eve of His Son’s birth.

As I held her warm, limp body in my arms, and with tears

“But our citizenship is in Heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body.” coming home, and I was especially thrilled because Christmas was just a few days away.

I quickly made arrangements for the family to come to my house on Christmas Day like they had done so many years in the past. The thought of us celebrating one more Christmas together was just awesome. I was busy with decorating, shopping, baking, cooking, and everything else to get ready for the big day. Since my parents lived just six doors down the street from me, it was easy to stop in often and check on my mom who had continued doing well.

When the morning of Christmas Eve arrived, my mom was doing so well that she herself called to let me know how good her blood levels were when the visiting nurse tested them. She assured me that she was fine and told me to just concentrate on getting things ready for our Christmas celebration. I hustled around for hours putting the finishing touches on everything, so I didn’t go see my mom all that day. It wasn’t until after the Christmas Eve Service around 9:00 that night that I saw her, and I wasn’t prepared for what I had to experience. Actually, I was shocked. It was as though the hands of time had gone backwards. She had taken a turn for the worse.

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gushing down my cheeks, I looked up and whispered, “She’s Yours now, Jesus. She’s all Yours.” My beautiful mommy had become my Christmas angel.

It has now been 14 years since my mom got her wings. The journey of life without my mom has not been an easy one for me. She and I were extremely close, and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. However, it would be nothing but selfishness to want her back. I know that she’s in Heaven with the Lord and no longer struggles with sickness and disease. Her swollen, bruised, and exhausted body never has to suffer in agony again. The Bible tells us, “But our citizenship is in Heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body” (Philippians 3:20-21).

Although Christmas time often reminds me of the sadness connected to my mom’s passing, I focus on what the season is truly about, and that fills me with joy. I hold onto the thought that the same evening I celebrate the birth of Jesus, my Lord and Savior, I celebrate the birth of my mommy becoming my Christmas angel.

Unhindered Worship O Lord, I want to worship You in spirit and truth, A worship that starts deep within and grows beyond my youth.

You are the way, the truth, and the life; to You I want to come, And give my love, my soul, and my life to You, God’s One and Only Son. It doesn’t matter where I am: in church, a house or the beach, You’ve made it clear You’re everywhere and my praises to You will reach.

Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight

May my worship to You be honest and pure and may I be unhindered by men, So the fragrance may rise to my Father’s throne, through the Truth and the Spirit within.

December 2012 13

How to Comfort Your Loved Ones “Job’s friends and their top six comforting tips…”

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Rachael Jackson

SHATTERED Magazine

Photo provided by istockphoto.com

by

D

o you find yourself at a loss for words when trouble makes its way into the lives of your friends? Do you sometimes turn away because the pain is just too intense and you just don’t know what to do?

Perhaps we can take a cue from the story of Job – the most famous story of suffering in the Bible, the blueprint for our response to suffering as well.

After Job had lost all of his possessions and all of his family in the greatest test of faith as the result of Satan’s challenge to God, he was surely beyond inconsolable. He needed encouragement, healing, and strength from somewhere, and often, God will use the people He has placed in our life as instruments to provide such needs.

Did Job’s friends dodge his phone calls because they did not know what to say and send a sweet little

card with some flowers? No. Rather, they jumped head first into the situation – becoming a source of healing for Job in the process.

“When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:11-13).

6 Comforting Tips 1

Go to them. Gas money, plane fare, or a bus ticket do not measure up to the value of just being with someone who you love and is hurting.

2

Cry with them. Such an emotional response is the epitome of empathy. It does not display weakness and it will not make them sadder than they already are; rather, it might let them know that they are truly not alone in this.

3

Support them. Just as Job’s friends tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads to demonstrate their sorrow and support, we can find ways to show our support as well. There is no room for judgment in the sorrow. There is no benefit in the “maybe, if you would have had more faith…”; “maybe, you should have done this…”; or “maybe, God is trying to teach you something”. If you love them, then support them, no matter what.

4

Stay with them. Sure, maybe seven days and seven nights might be too long for you, but it is important to make sure you stay available throughout the term of their sorrow. A one-time prayer, a hit and run type “sympathy drop-off”, or the initial phone call all fade after time. It takes time for grief to soak in and sometimes it gets worse rather than better. Stay available for the duration – and going back to #1, make sure you go to them and continue to check in.

5comments to ourselves. Sometimes, our helpful advice or reasoning can do more harm than good.

Remain silent – listen when and if they speak. We need to keep our opinions, suggestions, and

6their bodies while also offering a hint of nourishment to one’s soul. Shared with friends, they can be the

Nourish them. Coffee, casserole, and cake have a way of tangibly offering something nourishing to

bridge that can start to bring life back to your friend’s heart.

December 2012 15

When God

Whispers a Name

God not only ordains prayer, but He Himself prays as well. shared by Jessica

Chenoweth

I

spent the summer following my sophomore year of high school living on the streets. I ended up moving back home sometime in August. Realizing I needed help, my parents sent me away to a girl’s Christian boarding school in Jay, Florida, for a year.

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Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight

When I came home the following June, I went to my church the first Sunday I was back. I was so nervous.

To be honest, I had hoped that I would never have to go attend there again because I was embarrassed and unsure of how I would be received. I can still remember to this day how self-conscious and out of place I felt.

For the most part it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined it would be. After the morning service, one of our deacons asked if he could speak with me privately.

My heart began to beat wildly in my chest as I thought, “Here comes the moment I dreaded.”

I searched frantically for my parents hoping I would be saved from what I just knew would be a lecture, but alas my parents were nowhere to be found. Reluctantly, I followed the deacon down the hall and braced myself for the harsh words that I thought were soon to be unleashed.

“Jessica, we are so glad to have you back. We were all so worried about you. One night while you were still living on the streets, God woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me to pray for you. I prayed for you the rest of the night. I asked God to surround you with His protection and to keep you from evil. I just wanted you to know that.” Then the deacon gave me a hug and left me standing there surprised with my mouth wide open.

That conversation shattered almost every preconceived notion I had ever had about prayer.

The thought that God woke somebody up (a deacon no less) to pray for me revived the hope that maybe, just maybe, I had been and was deeply loved by my heavenly Father.

I think one of the most beautiful truths recorded in God’s Word is the truth that prayer is so important that God Himself prays for us. When studying Scripture recently, I came across an example of this.

The night Jesus was spending time with His disciples in the Upper Room right before He was arrested, He told them that He was about to go somewhere that they could not go. Peter indignantly demanded to know why he could not go and declares that he would follow Jesus to prison and to death.

Jesus rebukes Peter and explains that not only

will Peter not be able to keep those promises, but predicts that Peter will in fact deny even knowing Him three times that very night. Jesus then says, “Peter, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail” (Luke 22:31-32). How much more convinced do we have to become to see prayer as the powerful tool it is when Jesus Himself relied on the power of prayer?

Not only does God whisper our names on the hearts of others, but God Himself prays for us directly.

Romans 8:26 says, “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groaning which cannot be uttered.”

This beautiful picture should give hope to anyone that has ever felt forgotten or insignificant. The verse declares that when we are at our weakest and don’t even know what to pray for, the Holy Spirit of God prays for us with groanings that cannot even be uttered. Just take a minute and let those words wash over your soul. The Holy Spirit lifts us up in prayer to God the Father at those critical times in our lives when we are unable to do so.

Prayer plays such a vital part in our relationship with God that at times He whispers your name on the heart of another believer. The person who prays is blessed because God has called them to participate in something He is doing in someone else’s life, and the person being prayed for is blessed by the power of God because they are about to experience the faithfulness of another.

If this isn’t incredible enough, the Holy Spirit Himself whispers your name before the Father knowing exactly what you need and when you need it.

When God whispers your name, you can be assured something amazing is about to happen.

December 2012 17

Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.

And this hope will not lead to disappointment.

For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. {Romans 5:2-5} 18

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Photo Credit: Wendy Keller

And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.

}

Continued from “Listening to that Little Voice� from the November 2012 Issue

His Gifts

Hope Peace of

and

Doris Riccelli

Photo Credit: Wendy Keller

shared by

December 2012 19

the conclusion of a three-part series shared by

Doris Riccelli

M

y special tree is decorated. It glistens with my favorite color – pink. It’s interesting how my favorite color came to mean so much in my life. As I look at the pinkish crystal ribbon hanging from one of the branches, I’m reminded of what this ornament represents. It’s now been more than ten years since my diagnosis, but I can still remember it like it happened yesterday. My thoughts. My feelings. My emotions. Disbelief. Disbelief when the doctor told me.

That was quickly followed by fear. Fear of the unknown.

Then shock. Shock that my world had been turned upside down in the blink of an eye.

I would imagine that anyone who has ever been told that they have cancer has experienced something similar. It’s a pretty dark time when you find out that you have such a horrible disease. And it’s a really dark time when you’re told a second time that you have cancer. That was me. In June 2002 it was in my left breast and the following December it was in my right. I gasp just thinking about it. Did that really happen to me? It seems so surreal. I was only forty years old, working full-time in a professional position, struggling through a strained marriage, raising a teenage daughter, caring for my elderly father, grieving over the passing of my mother, and battling for my life all at the same time? How

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did I get through it? How did I keep my sanity? There’s only one answer. It’s “thee” answer – God. I truly don’t know how people can handle a crisis without Him. Why would anyone even want to try? He promised in His Holy Word that He would be there for us if we just call out to Him, so why wouldn’t we? After all, if He can create the earth and all that is in it, on it, and around it, shouldn’t He be able to help us get through the difficult times in our lives?

For anyone who has ever gone through cancer treatments, I would presume that they would agree with me when I say, “IT ISN’T EASY.” However, as I continue to gaze at the beautiful crystal ribbon on my tree, I think about what else it means to me. Love. Love that my family and friends poured upon me before, during, and after my surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation. Hope. Hope that I held on to that one day I would be well again. And maybe the greatest of all – peace. The kind of peace that can only come from God Himself affording us to endure the darkest of times.

There’s a part of me that’s glad I experienced the hardship that I did. That’s not to say that I want to do it again,

There’s a part of me that’s glad I experienced the hardship that I did. That’s not to say that I want to do it again, because I don’t. But what I’ve come to realize in life is that if we don’t experience dark times, how can God show us how He can get us through them? because I don’t. But what I’ve come to realize in life is that if we don’t experience dark times, how can God show us how He can get us through them?

As I reflect upon those days, weeks, months, and even years of turbulent times, tears well up in my eyes thinking that those were actually some of the sweetest times in my life – all because of God. He was there when I was first diagnosed. He told me as I walked out of the hospital, “They didn’t spend enough time on the right side.” If I had never been diagnosed with breast cancer, I would have never heard those words from the Holy Spirit.

He was there when my port became infected. He told me not to have the doctors put a new one in. He knew all along that there was a second cancer in that exact spot that would be found just two months later. He was protecting me, but had I not listened to Him and went along with what the doctors wanted me to do; I could have ended up with the cancer spreading all through my body. How sweet it is to know that God was my protector. Had I never had the infection, I may have never known just how much God protected me.

Just a week after my second breast cancer surgery, I was feeling well enough to play volleyball, my favorite sport. I called the surgeon’s office to ask if he thought it would be alright. When I told his nurse how well I was doing, she was amazed. It then dawned on me the reason I had healed so quickly – God. It is He who is the Great Physician, and by hearing my prayers He knew that I was growing weary.

He not only worked through the doctor and other medical staff during the surgery, but He Himself worked on healing my body so rapidly. That Friday evening I played volleyball with friends and had a wonderful time. Later I thanked the Lord for His tremendous healing power. Had I never had my second breast cancer surgery, I may have never come to realize just how great of a physician He is.

When I think back to the first days and weeks following my initial diagnosis, I remember how distraught I was. I was scared . . . so scared. As I gave my fright to God, He converted it into peace. People would say that to just look

at me you would never think that I was going through cancer treatments. On the outside I looked fine, but the reason for that was because of what He had done on the inside. God had filled me up with a peace that surpasses all understanding. It’s a peace that can’t be explained unless you experience it, and I’m so glad that He gave me that opportunity. The best way that I can describe it is to think about being in a small row boat in the middle of the ocean with a storm raging all around you and no matter how large the waves are your boat remains completely still. It is truly an awesome experience and one that I appreciate having the privilege to enjoy.

I learned some very valuable lessons these past ten years, but probably the most valuable lesson I learned was to listen to God. I so often before wanted to pray, but I didn’t want to take the time to listen. He showed me and I’m convinced that the One who created me always has my best interest at heart – His heart.

For years now the pink ribbon has represented hope in the fight against breast cancer, and the pink ribbon on my Christmas tree is no different. However, it means more to me than just that alone. It represents the hope I have in God’s Son who first came to this earth as a baby and 33 years later died on a cross. It is the hope I have in Jesus, my Savior, that enabled me to endure not only the cancer, but the death of both of my parents, a divorce after 25 years of marriage, and the challenges following a job loss – just to name a few. Without hope in the Lord, this crazy ride called “life” would just be meaningless. It is the hope that one day I will see Him face-to-face and live throughout eternity with complete joy and peace that gets me through my days – even the good ones.

Probably my favorite thing to do during the holiday season is to sit in a room with just the Christmas lights on and reflect upon my life. This year I’ll do just that and thank the Lord that I am a ten-year, two-time breast cancer survivor as I look at the pinkish crystal ribbon hanging from the branch of my tree. From disbelief to hope and all that is in between, I have so much to thank Him for.

December 2012 21

{Jeremiah 29:11}

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Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

TRUE LOVE WILL . . .

“Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

(1 John 4:8)

. . . free you from the grip of the “what others think of me” syndrome.

The realization of your importance in the eyes of Christ, the power that comes from knowing that He “has your back,” and the fulfillment that comes from knowing He is all you need comes as a great relief to those of us weary and down-trodden with caring about whether or not we are approved and accepted by people.

When you experience God’s love, contentment, security, and confidence seeps from every aspect of your life. You shine brightly in a very dark world. You no longer are paralyzed with the fear of someone talking behind your back because you know that sharp words cannot cause your demise.

A new brand of love and kindness emerges as you come to understand your inheritance and start to emulate your Savior. You realize that Jesus did not care one bit about what the “cool kids” of His day thought or said about Him. Instead, fueled by His relationship and standing with His Heavenly Father, He loved those who were scorned, shared with those who had nothing, encouraged those who were struggling, and comforted those who were mourning.

Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight

May we all be freed to experience and demonstrate this love in our own lives.

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” { 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 } December 2012 23

Finding Again

and her mama

Deana Schrimsher

24 SHATTERED Magazine

Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight

shared by

herself

C

hristmas was Barbara’s favorite! The fun, family, and festivities embodied who she was throughout the entire year.

Deana, Barbara’s daughter, describes her mama as the life of the party, the joke at even her own expense, and full of care and concern for others. If Deana could dream of a better childhood, it would be a mighty feat, because at the center of her life is what she remembers to be the perfect mom, a loving role-model, and Wonder Woman all rolled into one. Barbara was a woman so dedicated to her children that she became the high school lunch lady just to be near them. Deana also remembers a loving wife to the same man for 29 years who provided a stable, warm, and protected childhood where her boat remained firmly “unrocked.”

Deana’s security remained intact throughout her college years and into the beginning stages of her own marriage when things began to unravel and rock

an emotional breakdown after their son’s birth, so she talked with her doctor about prescribing something to ensure a healthy transition with adding their second child to the family. Upon delivering her son, she began taking Zoloft, and for the first couple of months Deana described herself as unwaveringly happy-go-lucky.

Nothing really bothered her, and it appeared she had it all together. But she did not feel like she was herself; rather, she felt like a fake version.

Soon after Deana’s son was born, the family’s first holiday season without Barbara was upon them.

Wanting to continue with the holidays and “do it up” just like her mom would have done, she cooked the same family recipes, put up the decorations, and had the whole family over. The scene around the table that Thanksgiving was somber as no one said a word, choking down their meals despite the tears constricting their throats. In her memory, that day ended up being “devastatingly weird and depressing.” Hoping to avoid

“Until you get to the breaking point, there is no way to truly understand what the cross and resurrection means or the significance it has on our lives. I could truly recognize what grace is. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that even with the terrible, messed up person that I was, God gave me everything when I deserved nothing.” her proverbial boat. Her mama’s diagnosis of stage 4 inflammatory breast cancer was the wave that crashed into Deana. The year 2007 was a battle for their family and Barbara as she went through chemotherapy for 4 months, a double mastectomy at Thanksgiving, and 6 months of radiation. Her remission was cut short by the devastating news of the cancer spreading to her pelvic bone, then to her spinal cord, and ultimately to her brain stem. In September 2010, the doctor gave Barbara 6 months to live – a prophetic prognosis.

With her family surrounding her, Barbara Ann Davis went home to meet her Lord and Savior on March 23, 2011. Deana, who was 10 weeks pregnant when her mom passed, felt at peace – for awhile. It was comforting for her to know that her mama was home with Jesus, and Deana looked forward to the day that she would be with her again. But something was wrong inside, and Deana, who became consumed with all things baby, did not take the time to investigate the storm beginning to rage within her.

After suffering a bout of postpartum depression with her first born child, Deana thought it wise to prevent

a scene like that during Christmas, the family packed up and did a completely non-traditional Christmas trip to Gatlinburg, TN. No one discussed their feelings; no one brought forward hope or help; and no one knew what the other was thinking.

Not wanting to depend on medication long-term, Deana started weaning herself off of the medication.

That is when her world began to cave in as she was confronted with raw emotions fighting to overtake her. She became very angry, distant, and unhappy with everyone in her life including God, her husband Adam, and her kids. She described the state of her heart as “deep, dark, junk just filling [her] soul.” She never talked about her emotions or her struggles with anyone, not even Adam.

Deana, a Southern Baptist girl from the heart of the Bible Belt, wanted nothing to do with church, small group, religion, Jesus, or anything other than her mama. She blamed God for taking away her best friend – after all, He knew how much she needed her mom.

She felt helpless and hopeless. She measured herself against her mom and found herself lacking in every  December 2012 25

way. She felt like a failure as a mother, daughter, wife, and Christian, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask for help or let others in. It was her pain, and she almost wanted to keep it to herself. Her heart grew colder and darker with each day of winter, but it was not meant to stay that way.

God heard her prayers and began working in His way to bring about the heart change that Deana so desperately needed.

recommendations struggling with de

It was March, springtime in Alabama, and on a day when Deana should have been outside basking in the warm sun, she was on her bedroom floor huddled next to the bed where her husband found her. He was shocked to hear Deana finally cry out, “There’s something wrong with me!”

Previously oblivious to the real darkness in Deana’s soul, he held his wife as she finally let him in. She described her feelings of failure and loneliness, and then, to his dismay, she described the desire to end it all. Broken and battered, he held her and cried while praying, “Heal her God, Don’t let her go . . .”

The Lord’s answer started with her husband. Then He brought in the small group. A sweet friend set Deana up in a room surrounded by candles, music, pillows, pen, paper, and a Bible, then told her to just stay there and be silent, listen to God’s voice, and don’t come out until she had poured it ALL out to the Lord. After telling the Lord about every bit of anger, fear, resentment, loneliness, and sadness, after crying her eyes out, after writing down her prayers and her thoughts, and after just resting, she walked out of that room feeling an immediate release.

For the first time in a long time, she felt refreshed, renewed, and excited. She felt loved and grateful. She felt like a new person. She felt hope for the future even though she knew that there was still quite a journey on the path to healing.

She was still sad and missed her mama, but she also knew that she was not alone. This was not just her secret burden to carry – God had surrounded her with family and friends to hold her and help her along the way. All she had to do was to ask them to come in.

In that room, she also came to a very deep and personal understanding of the Gospel of God for the first time. She finally grasped that His grace is sufficient and that it is not dependent on anything that she says or does. Deana shared, “Until you get to the breaking point, there is no way to truly understand what the cross and resurrection means or the significance it has on our lives. I could truly recognize what grace is. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that even with the terrible, messed up person that I was, God gave me everything when I deserved nothing.” It was during these moments that she began to find her identity in God as opposed to in her husband, her mama, or her kids. She started to realize the power that a relationship 26 SHATTERED Magazine

with Christ had to offer her.

After coming to the complete and utter end of herself, she realized that any feeling of control or strength to handle the depression on her own was merely a façade and that God is a great, gracious, good, and glorious God who had already known her need and had planned a response that was waiting for her when she was ready to receive it. A smile crosses her face as Deana describes the freedom that comes from knowing that you simply cannot do it on your own – that we’re not made to, but God can! “It’s just life changing!” she says.

While Deana still struggles with the deep sadness and loneliness of losing her mom, she remains hopeful that the Lord will carry her through to brighter and brighter tomorrows. With the holidays, previously depressing and avoided, once again upon her, she is reservedly excited – wanting this Christmas to be a time of celebration. She wants her children to grow up knowing joy and excitement in the holidays. She wants to reflect on and remember her mom with her family. She wants to focus on others who are less fortunate. She does this all with a greater appreciation for what the season means – a time for rebirth, rising from the ashes, and embracing the renewed joy, quiet spirit, and excitement that comes with the realization of what the birth of that little baby Jesus in the manger meant to the world so many years ago and what it means to us today – freedom and hope from what oppresses us all, now and for eternity.

for someone epression: 1 Slow down and take inventory of your feelings and emotions.

• What are you feeling?

• Why are you feeling this way?

2 Admit to yourself what is going on and then talk about it with someone.

3 Rely on a community of support around you.

• If you do not have a community (friends, church, or family), make it a priority to find one. Grief centers and online forums can be a good place to start, but God designed us to be supported by real people.

4 Start with God:

• Come to the end of yourself and realize that you cannot fix things that are not in your control.

• Daily prayer and devotionals (minute by minute even) will help you hear from God and sort out your feelings with Him. • Try to ask the Lord to give you a bigger perspective on what your suffering might be about and what this life is about.

• Ask Him for help and wait on Him, knowing that He is God and that He will answer – then be patient and hopeful.

5 Get professional help

• Make sure a professional counselor will talk with you and go through mental/emotional exercises to help you learn how to cope with life and not just hand out drugs.

• Christian counselors can be a great resource to help you.

6 Have grace for yourself.

Photo Credit: Patti Weldon

• Forgive yourself – you are not perfect and you are not expected to be.

• Stop being critical of yourself – accept the person that you are and learn to love him/ her.

7 Do not be content to throw yourself a pity party.

• Do not assume that you are alone.

• Do not assume that no one cares.

• Do not assume that this is all there is.

December 2012 27

Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight

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more

Frazzled than Festive Rachael Jackson and Jessica Chenoweth by

Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la.

Add some stress and good-bye jolly, fa la la la la, la la la la.

Dreading hours of Christmas shopping, fa la la la la, la la la la.

Spending money and never stopping, fa la la la la la, la la la la.

T

he holidays are once again upon us. That most wonderful time of the year when we have a legitimate reason to eat lots of fattening sweets and drink copious amounts of hot chocolate, but the holidays can also usher in the unwanted guests of stress and depression. Between decorating the house, putting up the tree, buying last minute gifts, and attending endless holiday gatherings, we can quickly become overwhelmed. Throw in the additional complications of living with a chronic illness and it can spell disaster.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have fun and celebrate the holidays with our families and friends, but maybe you are finding yourself unable, unwilling, or afraid of joining in because of your physical limitations.

People who suffer from chronic illnesses often withdraw.

They find activity, stress, and poor holiday health habits contribute to relapses and depressing bouts of battle with pain. The effects of chronic conditions can lead to extreme battles with depression – especially during the holidays.

You might start to feel left out or feel like you aren’t good enough for people because you can’t do what you once used to do or what others can still do.

The good news is that you don’t have to perform for anyone’s expectations during this season. No one is expecting you to do anything spectacular other than maybe yourself. Instead of trying to impress, try to focus on the reason for the season. When you do this, it is through His strength that you can join in the festivities with gladness in your hearts.

Our Top Six Must-Dos to Make the Best of the Holiday Season 1.) Pray! Start every morning in communion with God. Set the priorities straight between He and you and let Him guide you throughout the holidays. Ask Him to fill you with His spirit, His strength, and His presence – that you would truly remember what the holidays are about and celebrate them in ways that honor Him. 2.) Grace! Have grace for yourself. You might not be able to do everything that you want to or that you think you should, but trust us when we say that no one expects you to “do it all”! We put so much pressure on ourselves to impress others and to live up to expectations that it actually ends up creating more stress, which in turn adds

negative impact to our already tenuous health conditions.

3.) Exercise! Don’t try to be Arnold or Rocky! We’re not talking about the type of exercise you’d do to squeeze into a bikini or lose 20 pounds. We’re talking about slow, easy, and gentle exercise that refreshes the mind, body, and soul.

The positive endorphins that your body creates when you do low-impact exercise like walking, swimming, stretching, or light weight lifting help to counteract negative physical reactions to stress. If possible, get outside in the sunshine and exercise. The Vitamin D will do your outlook a lot of good. If it’s too cold or rainy, then walking around the mall will suffice.

4.) Sleep! This is essential. If you find your mind racing with the to-do lists, gift ideas, or overwhelming thoughts making it difficult to sleep, keep a pen and paper by your bed and write down anything that comes to mind so that you can rest easy. Sleep helps produce serotonin, which is also essential to counteract any negative effects from holiday stress.

5.) Don’t overdo it! Financially or physically, overdoing it is toxic to your body. Set your limits and stick to them. Make homemade thank you cards to give to people who give you unexpected gifts, but don’t feel obligated to purchase a gift for someone just because they bought something for you. Whatever you do, don’t worry about what other people think of you if you don’t have the “perfect gift.” If they are seriously offended, then they weren’t giving you a gift in the right spirit to begin with.

6.) Top 5! Pick the top 5 things you enjoy, and then do the top 5 of those particular things. We call this “The Rule of 25.” Here’s how it works. Do you love decorating? If so, then pick your top 5 things to decorate, (e.g., tree, mantle, nativity scene, door wreath, and a table centerpiece) and then decorate each one to give the overall house a festive feel of Christmas. Do you love holiday gatherings? Then pick the top 5 holiday gatherings that you are going to go to and stick to just going to them. Does cooking excite you? Then pick the 5 most amazing dishes that you’re going to cook and enjoy them immensely. Do you love baking cookies? Then pick your 5 favorite recipes, and bake each batch filled with glee.

Here’s to a doable and enjoyable Christmas and New Year Season!

December 2012 29

of

Faith shared by

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Diane Floate

Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight

Footprints

H

ave you ever wondered how a person can trust blindly what they cannot see? Have you ever struggled to believe that you have not been forgotten by the One who created you?

children and their children. She told my two brothers and me how important it was to read our Bibles and trust God. She literally was Deuteronomy 6 brought to life. She gave us a legacy of faith.

Despite the desire to believe, the day-to-day struggles of this life . . . of your life . . . can be overwhelming. The ability to put one foot in front of the other and continue the path of pain becomes a fight of the will. This internal fight has the ability to leave you broken and bruised internally. It is a battle of epic proportions when you are attempting to trust that there is a better tomorrow – a tomorrow that includes an abundance of sunshine, but no storm clouds on the horizon.

For me, my faith began when Granny shared her faith and her love of God with us. Until her death, Granny never stopped trusting in the God she faithfully followed. She gave me the most beautiful gift – a gift that is priceless – a legacy of faith.

We each have faced hardships, trials, and strife in our lives. From the death of my paternal grandmother to the loss of my first child and to my second son’s many childhood medical conditions, I have learned some valuable and life-altering lessons: faith begins with a legacy; hope is built on faith, and faith is more than blind trust.

The memory of Granny, my dad’s mother, brings reels of images gliding through my mind. I remember overnight visits with her. She was “ole school.” She woke up at the crack of dawn and went to bed at dusk.

Every night she would sit and undo her hair bun, taking each hair pin out one at a time. I would be transfixed by watching inches and inches of long gray hair pile high on the floor. After taking her hair down, she would brush it, and sometimes she would even let me brush it.

One thing Granny always did was read her Bible. She was diligent about doing her daily Bible reading. I can see her now in my mind holding and patting her worn, black Bible in her old wrinkled hands. It was precious to her. Yet, there was one thing more precious to her than the Bible – her Lord. Granny loved her Lord. After losing some of her children and her husband to death and after dealing with many of life’s ups and downs, Granny never lost faith in God. Even as a young girl, I saw how much she loved God and how valuable her faith in God was to her. Granny reminds me of scripture in Deuteronomy 6:5-7: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.

These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

Granny shared her love for God and her faith with her

When my Granny died, I began to question why certain things are allowed to happen to us during our lifetime.

Why do people we love have to die?

As an adult, understanding death did not become any easier. I simply accepted it. Until . . . until . . . I lost one of the most precious gifts ever through death – a baby – my first baby. Faith is easier to talk about than it is to live out in one’s life, especially when your faith expects you to accept the death of a life that you were not ready to say goodbye to.

In 1992, I discovered that I was pregnant with my first child. My husband and I were thrilled! The thought

“...faith begins with a legacy; hope is built on faith, and faith is more than blind trust.” of our child living and growing inside of me left me speechless. I was in awe of the miracle of life. Instantly, I loved my baby, even without seeing or holding it. Then one day I went to the restroom and my happiness began to be ripped away from me. I had passed a blood clot of some sort. Scared, I returned to the doctor. He did an ultrasound and could not find the baby’s heartbeat. Being rude and crass, he wanted to go ahead and perform the operation to remove the baby from my body. In a state of disbelief, I left and went home. As I fell down in my closet I cried out to God, “Why? Why?” I begged and pleaded with Him not to take my baby from me.

In a state of denial, I decide to get a second opinion.

I went to a nearby town and found a new doctor. All the tests still indicated that I was pregnant, but on the ultrasounds the baby’s heartbeat was absent. I prayed and cried. I cried and prayed. Every day, I begged God  December 2012 31

to not let it be true. I prayed and asked that God would give me a miracle. After days of praying and begging and after days of going back and forth to the doctors for tests, I was struck by an excruciating pain in my lower stomach. My husband rushed me to the hospital.

I labored for quite some time and eventually lost the baby.

It was too young in utero to know exactly how old he or she was. I did give birth to a baby, although it was almost too young to look human. I was devastated. My baby had died. Truth be told, my baby had been dead since that first day at the doctor’s office, but I would not give up. Instead, my body had to do for me what I could not make the decision to do for myself – expel the baby out of my body. Only then could my body and soul begin to heal.

The body heals much quicker than the soul. After I lost our baby, I struggled with why God would allow such a thing. How could such a good God allow something so horrible to happen to me? What good could come from a death of an innocent baby? More precisely, what good could come from my life at the death of MY baby? There were no audible answers from Heaven. God did not answer my questions, at least in a way I could understand them. Maybe he did not answer them at all. I could not help but feel like the loss of the baby was somehow punishment from God for sins in my life. Although I felt very strongly that God took my baby away from me, I never, never once lost hope that God had a special reason. Beyond the hope was simply trust. I trusted and continue to trust my Lord. When I was searching for answers about the death of my first baby, I found that even when God does not answer our questions or even my prayers the way I want Him to that I can still place my hope in God. In 1 Peter 1: 3-9, God through His Holy Word shares why we have hope through faith: Praise the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

According to His great mercy, He has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead and into an inheritance that is imperishable, uncorrupted, and unfading, kept in heaven for you. You are being protected

by God’s power through faith for a salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. You rejoice in this, though now for a short time you have had to struggle in various trials so that the genuineness of your faith — more valuable than gold, which perishes though refined by fire — may result in praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. You love Him, though you not seen Him. And though not seeing Him now, you believe in 32 SHATTERED Magazine

Him and rejoice with inexpressible and glorious joy, because you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

My hope – the hope that there is a greater purpose and will for the sufferings and pains of this world – is founded in faith and faith alone. I can have hope because I have faith. God has “plans for my welfare, not for disaster, to give me a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). My God is the Lord of Restoration. What I lose for His glory’s sake, He will restore. How does one have hope if one does not have faith? Dictionary.com’s description of hope is “to look forward to with desire and reasonable

“For me, faith is more than blind trust. Blind trust is when you give your complete and total trust into a person’s hands, not fully knowing what that person will do with the trust you have bestowed in him. I do not blindly trust God because God has majestically proven Himself to be trustworthy throughout history and my life.” confidence; to believe, desire, or trust.” Dictionary.com also describes faith as “confidence or trust in a person or thing.” In order to trust (hope), one must have confidence (faith) in the person the trust is placed in. For me, my hope is built upon my faith that God is bigger than any abuse, pain, loss, fear, or suffering that I can face on this earth.

Thus, as I continue my sojourn on earth, I have seen the intricate weavings of faith in my life. From a faith inspired by the legacy of my Granny to the everlasting hope birthed from my deeply rooted faith, and now to the understanding that faith is more than simply blind trust. Nothing in my life has taught me more about faith than the role of being a mother with a child haunted and tormented by disease and sickness.

My middle child came into this world very traumatically.

The doctor delivering him told me that even if she would have been a minute later, he would have died.

From the first day he drew breath until he was about 14, it seemed we were always in the doctor’s office for something. At his first wellbaby checkup, the pediatrician heard something abnormal with his heart. Several weeks later, we found out that my infant son had two holes in his heart and the valve between his heart and lungs was abnormally small. In fact, with that valve condition, we were told that eventually he may have to undergo heart surgery to replace the valve. At this point, my faith was not wavering, but it was weak. I was so scared.

All I knew to do was pray. I was hoping that God would hear me and heal my son.

unanswered, I knew without a shadow of doubt that God was still very much sovereign over my son’s sicknesses. For me, faith is more than blind trust. Blind trust is when you give your complete and total trust into a person’s hands, not fully knowing what that person will do with the trust you have bestowed in him. I do not blindly trust God because God has majestically proven Himself to be trustworthy throughout history and my life. To be blind is lacking the ability to see what is right before your face. I do not have to blindly trust my Lord because I have seen His faithfulness during my lowest lows and my highest highs.

As months turned into years and my son grew older, we were in and out of the doctors with him. When he was around five years old, he began having severe migraines with vomiting. He was sent to a neurologist. It took several weeks of testing before they ruled out a tumor.

His migraines persisted for years. Some months he would have as many as three or four migraines. Because of his young age, the doctors decided the best thing that they could do for him during the migraines was to give him medication to knock him out. Sometimes, after the medicine was administered, he would sleep between 24 – 48 hours. I would go in and put my hand in front of his nose to ensure he was still breathing.

As long as I can remember, one of my favorite poems has been Footprints in the Sand. In the poem, a man questions the Lord on why God would not walk with him during his most troubling times. The Lord’s response to the man: “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.” As a small child reading this poem, I heard God’s unspoken voice speaking words of truth, love, and faithfulness to my heart. As an adult, I read this poem, and I am still reminded of how faithful and loving our Lord is. He not only walks with us on our life’s journey, but sometimes when we need Him most He picks us up and carries us.

Those years were horrifying and soul-wrenching. It just seemed like every time we turned around, this particular child was sick, yet again, with something new. In the second grade, he was hospitalized for over a week with viral pneumonia and was sick for over a month. He missed weeks of school. Years later, he was diagnosed with a growth hormone deficiency which entailed months and months of testing and eventually undergoing self-administered shots in his stomach. The saddest part of this treatment was that it did not work.

After almost 18 months of giving himself shots in the stomach, his body refused to grow.

During all these years, my faith grew in the Lord.

Even though it seemed like most of my prayers were

Therefore, as we go forth in this life, cresting another hilltop and perhaps falling down the other side of that hill, we must step out in faith as Peter did. In Matthew 14:29, Peter “. . . got out of the boat and walked on the water,” but unlike Peter we must NOT take our eyes off Jesus. When Peter took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the storm around him, he became afraid and began to sink. When we take our eyes off of our Lord, we will sink in the waters that swoop up to drown us. We must keep our eyes steadily on God so that we do not lose sight of His faithfulness. In my life, God has taught me faith begins with a legacy, hope is built on faith, and faith is more than blind trust. God is Faithful always. Hope.

Believe. Trust.

December 2012 33

we do not lose heart. Though Therefore

outwardly we are wasting

we are being renewed away, yet inwardly

day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that

far outweighs

them all. So we fix our eyes Photo Credit: Patti Weldon

not on what is seen, but on what

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is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen

is eternal.

{2 Corinthians 4:16-18}

Waft of Smoke

Photo provided by istockphoto.com

The City of Tents below the City of Progress ďƒœ

by

Rachael Jackson December 2012 35

Learning to be aware of what might be underneath the pretty façade . . .

I

t was so cold outside! I spent a fortune in gas; I’m sure, as I warmed up the vehicle before buckling my two precious kiddo cargo into their car seats and getting settled in to go to work and daycare.

It was business as usual for me – a Veggie Tales video on in the background, my thoughts racing with the massive to-do list swirling in my head for the day, pointing out the beautiful things outside for my kids to take in, and enjoying the chance to sit for a minute in the presence of my children. While watching the people around me in their warm cars, in a mad dash to get to work, absorbed in their thoughts, and oblivious to others, a smell of smoke caught my attention.

I love the smell of a good wood fire, but this one piqued my interest as it came from an extremely odd location. Up through the gap in the barriers on Interstate 565 floated a waft of smoke, so out of place and forlorn that it caused me to ponder over its source.

Huntsville, Alabama is a beautiful city. It is known as the City of Progress and is home to an extremely high percentage of engineers and professionals. NASA and the Army are a part of our town and contracting companies surround you everywhere you go in support of these two major government programs. The skyline of Huntsville is perhaps most recognized by the rockets standing at attention against a backdrop of evergreen trees next to the Space and Rocket Museum. The grass and trees are impeccably landscaped around the city, and the fall is extremely gorgeous with beautiful oranges, reds, and yellows peppering the valley. Many people enjoy Huntsville as a great place to live and to raise a family.

But that waft of smoke rising through the center barriers of the highway on an abnormally and frigidly cold November day spoke of something else . . .

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Below that beautiful exterior, hidden from every angle so that no one would ever know they exist, is the City of Tents. Sanctioned by the City of Progress as a legitimate place for people in need of somewhere to squat, it serves as an overflow for the burdened system that tries to keep up with the homeless and jobless in Huntsville.

Men, women, and children find refuge here in tents.

Old, discarded, and broken furniture are arranged neatly outside of “homes” where all of the people’s earthly possessions are organized. Local businesses provide water from their hose faucets for the occasional bath and daily drink. Local churches, food banks, and missions provide enough meals to keep them fed most days. There are some who are hopeful things will change, while others are resigned to the life they are living – a tangible line between the optimist and pessimist exists. These people have been broken and beaten by life, and they have come together to try to survive. They have formed their own little community. The Bible, to some, is a constant source of comfort and encouragement – their daily bread.

The images below the highway might break your heart or they might put you off, depending on your point of view, but the truth of the matter is that there are people hurting down there – whatever the reason, we do not know. We are not called to judge the reason for their struggles; we are called to love the hurting.

That little waft of smoke helped to jolt me out of my daily routine and remind me that I need to break out of my comfort zone and look below the surface to see who is there I might help. Even if it is just in my own life, with people I know, I can never judge a situation by what is showing on the outside.

Lord, help us all pay attention to the little “wafts of smoke” in our own lives. May we bless You by blessing others.

Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight

For the LORD your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs. {Zephaniah 3:17} December 2012 37

by

Main Photo Credit: Hung the Moon Photography by Morgan Knight; Personal photos provided by Kerri Bishop’s family

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Rachael Jackson

L

ife had never meant more to Kerri than the day her grandson was born!

Surrounded by friends and co-workers at an office party on a warm, sunny day in June, Kerri received an unexpected phone call. It was the phone call that changed her life. She was going to be a grandmother sooner than expected.

As Kerri began preparations to travel to her daughter’s side, heaviness weighed on her heart. The fact her grandson was two months premature was enough to cause her to worry, but she just could not shake the feeling that there was more to come – something more was going to rock her world.

Upon finally reaching the hospital, Kerri walked into the neonatal intensive care unit where she found her daughter, Katelyn, and little baby Peyton. Exhausted, physically distraught, and emotionally drained, Katelyn collapsed into her mother’s arm like a little girl. Crying out in anguish, she so desperately wanted to hold her baby boy.

Something within her stirred, and in an amazing display of faith, she stood over her baby grandson and prayed.

She asked the Lord to hold him even though they could not. She asked God to heal Peyton and make him whole.

Kerri and her daughter knew that Peyton would have to remain in the neonatal intensive care unit for the unforeseeable future. The doctors said that they would do everything in their power to keep him alive – blood transfusions, medical tests, drug treatments, and heart bisurgeries were all in the baby’s future if

Kerri’s heart hurt for her daughter. As her eyes began to take in the scene around her, soon a deeper ache took over. There he was – tiny and helpless. His four pound body was laying there with tubes and needles stuck in or coming out of every part of him. It was too much to take. She just wanted to fix everything for them both.

She wanted to make him all better, unhook him from the machines, hold him close, take away his pain, and hug away her daughter’s tears. She wanted to tell her that it would be alright and that she would get to hold her son, but the words would not flow from her lips.

It felt all too surreal, much like that of a plot in a movie with the storyline about a family’s life turned upside down by an unexpected tragedy and left hopeless.

Only the cruel twist to the plot was that it was not some unknown family in the middle of the nightmare. It was her family – her daughter and grandson. There was no remote control to fast forward, rewind, or turn the movie off. It was real life, and it was heart-wrenching.

The doctors informed Kerri and Katelyn that Peyton had an extremely rare congenital heart condition known as Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. The left ventricle of his heart did not exist, so it was not able to pump blood to his brain or his body. In addition, they learned that Peyton’s case was considered extremely rare because of another problem where the right side of his heart had developed at half the size that it should have been. In a very gentle way, the doctors warned them that Peyton had little chance of survival and there were no promises regarding his future.

Kerri’s daughter Katelyn kissing her baby Peyton’s tiny

hand at one of his first surgeries.

he survived.

Although the doctors prepared them for the worst, Kerri’s spirit became defiant. Something within her stirred, and in an amazing display of faith, she stood over her baby grandson and prayed. She asked the Lord to hold him even though they could not. She asked God to heal Peyton and make him whole. She begged God to give him the strength and will to choose life, though he was much too young to know what a precious gift it is. She thanked God for His mercy and grace, and she was sure He  December 2012 39

Left: Peyton’s fragile life rested in the hands of a sovereign Lord as his family trusted one surgery at a time.

Right: Kerri at the side of her precious newborn grandson.

Opposite Page: 5-year-old Peyton sharing his contagious smile.

heard her prayers. She promised Him that she would do whatever He wanted her to do – if only He would heal Peyton’s wounds and dry up Katelyn’s tears. She knew that with Him, all of this was possible.

Along with the physical and emotional challenges that the family were already facing, financial challenges soon arose. They quickly found out that the expenses associated with staying near a child in Peyton’s condition were astronomical. Their insurance did not cover the hotel stays necessary to keep mommy near her baby. The costs for transportation, parking fees, and food soon began to mount. The climbing costs and the declining income left the family wondering where the provisions for their livelihood would come from.

As the Lord began to move in Kerri’s heart, she sat down at her computer and started to type. She poured out her heart in an email to friends and family. She spelled out the details onto the computer screen of her “Power House Peyton” and how he was struggling for his life. Her fingers continued to press the keys as she explained the financial burden and the need for prayers for her family. She was crying out for help . . . reaching for a lifeline.

Within minutes after sending her email plea, responses began to flow. As the word spread, even strangers started to reach out and offer a helping hand. A doctor who worked at the same hospital where Peyton was staying opened her spacious home to Katelyn and the family for as long as necessary and free of charge. Not only did she provide housing, she also provided free meals and parking for the family. It was a blessing that she generously bestowed, costing her little, but giving them so much.

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The doorbell rang continuously as friends, family members, and co-workers offered everything from money to help cover gas and mortgage payments to housesitting and yard work. Still others brought gifts of encouragement for Peyton and the family. Even total strangers got involved by knitting prayer blankets with bows sewn on at the altar and decorating cards and signs with amazing words of well wishes. All of these small gestures of kindness and hope added up to one huge impact. All Peyton had to do was get better – God had taken care of everything else through his angels here on earth.

For three years, Peyton underwent multiple medical treatments and extended hospital stays. During those years, emails, phone calls, and gifts continued to come in from everywhere. Individuals met the family’s needs and never expected anything in return. It felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of Kerri’s shoulders, and she was forever grateful.

Even though she knew it was impossible, she wanted to somehow pay it all back – or perhaps, more accurately, pay it all forward. While visiting her father one day, her eyes came to rest on a 20 gallon water jug full of pennies. The idea crossed her mind as she asked herself the question, “What is he going to do with those pennies?” Donate them, of course!

As the Lord began to work in Kerri’s spirit, the penny jug concept started to take off. She first set an empty water jug labeled “Annual Penny Drive” at work. Then word began to spread. She wanted to bless someone unexpectedly

during the Christmas season – just her small way of saying “thank you” and acknowledging her blessings in life. She soon had collected enough spare change from people to donate $443.11 to a young housewife whose husband had just died before that holiday season leaving her with two sons and no life insurance or income to fall back on.

The word continued to spread further with the use of the Internet, and Kerri was able to collect $774.46 the next year to give to an elderly woman in failing health that lived alone and had no one to care for her. Last year, the amount grew to $1213.97 in pennies that was donated to two women (mother and daughter). The mother struggled with diabetes and needed a kidney transplant and the daughter was going to give her mom her kidney until she came down with an infection and could not donate it. The small amount of money, donated by many people, served a mighty purpose in that family’s life. It let them know that they were loved and thought of by a God who will always provide for you.

As for Peyton, each day is a continued gift from God. He was the smallest baby in history to have those types of heart surgeries and survive. The family is not sure what the future holds or what the next steps will be in his heart journey – that will be determined as his body continues to grow and mature. Right now, he is a typical 5 year old little boy, running and playing with the other kids, but he gets tired and out of breath. His lips turn blue and he requires lots of breaks when playing, but when he is rested he just gets back to playing again. Never far from his family’s memory are the days he spent in hospitals on the doorstep of Heaven. As Kerri watches her grandson play, she is always deeply grateful for the gift of life and ever conscious of how precious and short it can be.

When asked why Kerri chose Christmas as the time to bless others, she responded by saying, “Christmas at our house is every time Peyton comes to visit. Just watching him as he grows and learns is fascinating. His laugh is lifting, his smile is contagious, and his hugs let you know that Jesus is the breath in between every heartbeat of his.

When he grabs my hand and says, ‘Let’s go Nana,’ I know that I am just a step away from seeing life through his little eyes in a way that will rejuvenate my spirit and overwhelm my soul. Everyday life should focus on the simple blessing of God – love. When Peyton was born I saw a side of love from others that I had never seen before. It wasn’t about the money or the gifts; it was about the small things. The emails, the phone calls, the text messages, the cards in the mail, and most importantly, the prayers were so overwhelming that it changed the way I walk in the world. It changed the way I look at people. It caused me to dig deeper within myself. I wanted to always remember

that it was the small things in life, those little blessings sent straight from God that matter the most.”

Christmas is about celebrating the most important gift of love and sacrifice that was ever given to anyone and that gift can belong to you and me. It is about the birth of a Savior who loved us so much that He was born on this earth JUST so He could die for our sins. In His death and resurrection, we can now live free from what binds us as prisoners. What better time to demonstrate this love of others than in our giving here on earth? However, just as Kerri said, we need to remember that this gift of love is one that should last the whole year through.

Take the time to give the gifts that will last every day of this precious life we have. Life is so beautiful and it is so short. Grasp eternity now by offering yourself, your time, and your possessions to those who are in need. Pray for them, that they would know Jesus and experience the gifts of peace, joy, and hope that He offers to all who would believe in Him. Your actions and your gifts in this temporary home have everlasting significance – no matter how small they might seem to you now. Even pennies can come straight from Heaven.

To donate to the Annual Penny Drive, you can send your check to: Redstone Federal Credit Union Annual Penny Drive\Kerri Bishop Reece Acct# 51003541867 220 Wynn Drive Huntsville, Al 35893 December 2012 41

REJOICE

i n our confident

hope.

Be patient in trouble, AND keep on praying. {Romans 12:12}