Girl Wrapped Up
07/11/2013
VIOLENCE ’ ’
get hooked”.
“you won’t ’
IRRITATED
Irritated looks like a turtle that keeps getting moved.
Irritated smells like six boys playing football with no deodorant or a shower. Irritated sounds like a bad trumpet player.
Irritated feels like heavy winds against your drenched body.
Irritated taste like raw garlic and vinegar.
Emotions Ugh! I don't like the situations that life seems to throw at me. It seems every time I get into a situation like this or any situation for that matter, I'm just confused. I never know what to do, say or how to react. I get so wrapped up in emotions that I feel are mutual and kosher, that I don't ever put myself in the next person’s shoes to see if these emotions that I feel are returned or if I’m in my own selfish feelings. The feelings of wanting to be wanted, to be desired, loved. Somehow I know in the back of my head that I'm blinding myself. I’m only seeing what I'm making myself see, what I'm wanting to see. If these emotions that I'm feeling were mutual and kosher, why was I left in the blind? why did you leave me in the dark thinking that we were working on ‘’US’’. And yet you had the audacity to curse and yell at me for doing something to you that the last bitch did. You fucked with my well-being, my integrity and my dignity. And yet I still rocked with you and was still willing and emotionally able to work on us. If these emotions that I'm feeling are mutual and kosher, I wouldn't have went through that. Have you ever even had the decency to apologize? No! But I'm willing to look past all that and try once again to work on ‘’US’’., whatever that means. When you got out of jail, you should of came home to me!.
I was waiting for you. I apologize for not coming to see you. But you didn’t give me the right information. but I guess if these emotions that I'm feeling were mutual and kosher, you would have gave me your real name. I thought you knew I was waiting for you… When you got out I welcomed you in with open arms and you accepted, but of course you had two other sets of open arms as well. They accepted this, but I didn’t. You should have known that as your woman, I wouldn't accept that, just as well as my man, I wouldn't expect you to accept that. Now after all that and knowing that I'm still willing to take it slow and work on us, you shouldn’t have to question me and how I feel about you. I was never un-loyal or dishonest with you while we were working on us. Everything I said was the truth and everything I did came from my heart. If these emotions that I’m feeling were mutual and kosher, you would understand and know that I want to be loved right by you so of course I'm going to do right by you. I told you that I liked you but my first love had my heart and that I would always have love and care for him, but that doesn't effect the way I feel about you. But of course if these emotions that I'm feeling were mutual and kosher you would understand and know that too. But since it seems to me that these emotions that I'm feeling are not in-fact mutual and kosher, it seems that its my own figment of my imagination. I’m just going to fight these emotions that I'm feeling. I’m going to let these emotions lay low and these feelings die slow.
(AFTER GIL SCOTT HERON) The revolution against, Being played, The Revolution For all the lost girls, Will be against Young men degrading them. The Revolution Against broken Spirits. In revolution, all the lost girls with no FATHERS in their world, will RESIST the urge to purge, their bodies to these pedophiles, for these YOUNG MEN with their vile street ways. Their AUDACITY to DISRESPECT these same women that helped create them. THE REVOLUTION! Will be for the lost girls, Victims of pimping and pandering. WE WILL RESIST
My Parent’s I just want to be free. I don't want to be trapped in my own self-conscious web. I don't want to be trapped in my own low self esteem. In my own thoughts. I just want to be free. Why am I not good enough? But what the fuck is good enough? I don't know what to do. I'm so confused, I feel bad. I thinj its because I have two dad’s. One fami{y loves me unconditionally, but for some reason I have a hard time loving that family. On the other hand, I have a family with so many siblings that my biologica{ dad can’t jeep up with a{{ of us. Even though I live with him, I still feel like he doesn't have time for me. I barely see him and when I do, he is always complaining about how people are always asking him for something. I feel like he is implicating me. But I barely ask him for anything, and when I do its because I really need it. I just feel like he missed my childhood. All his other kids he has been there for since birth, so if they are grown like over the age of 21 still calling him and asking him for help, I feel like he should cut them off and bitch and complain to them, not me. I'm not selfish or anything. I don't want him to stop interacting with his children, because no matter how old we get we will always be his chi{dren, but at the same time if he’s a{ways helping them with financial situations and there not doing anything with their selves, CUT THEM OFF! I fee{ {ije he’s comp{aining about he{ping me but at {east I’m trying to do something for myse{f to better my life. All his other kids just sit around, play wit guns, smoke excessive amounts of weed and call him to bail them out when they get put into jail. I was twelve yrs old when I first started getting to know this man.
And on the other hand the man that was my FATHER and took care of me and claimed me, knowing I wasn't even his biological daughter, I don't even talk to. It hurts me to even think about him. it hurts. I think it might be because when I was 14yrs old I lived with him. Things were going ok other than the fact that I was pissed off because my dad never let me do anything. He was still punishing me because I got expelled from school in the 8th grade and the fucked up thing was that I didn't even say what the librarian said I said. She told me to go to class and I to{d her I didn't have to {isten to her. She wasn’t my teacher, and to go file some books or something. She said “Jazmane! come bacj here”. I said “{eave me a{one I’m going to the bathroom”. And I wa{jed away. She to{d the principa{ I said “If you don't {eave me a{one I’m going to hurt you”. I got expe{{ed because of that. that was the root of the situation to why all of this happened. Because my father (sisters dad) was punishing me for something my grandma already punished me for. She sent me to Arizona. It was only for two months but I hated it. It was always fucking hot. I didn't know anyone to do anything with. I was pissed off that my mom was in Texas and I just wanted to be with her. I wanted her to come back. She was doing good for herself. I ended up going back to Seattle, I was under the impression I was going to live with my grandma again. What a surprise I got when I landed at the SeaTac Airport. My grandma picked me up and told me my dad was coming to get me. I was excited till he got to my grandmas and he took my iPod and the phone my grandma literally just gave me when she picked me up at the airport. I was pissed. Not so much at the fact that he took my phone because I went months with out a phone, but my music?
Who tajes away someone’s right to {isten to music? Mind you that I was in contact with my biological dad. so my thirteen almost fourteen yr old mind was thinking things that were so disrespectful, like this nigga aint my dad. I don't have to {isten to him. That’s what jind of mindset I had, because of that I got myse{f into a wor{d wind of troub{e. I wasn’t ab{e to think rationally. I was thinking like a child. I acted like a child and reacted like a child. When everything was all said and done, I didn't talk to him for a year and once the year was up, I apologized to him and told him I loved him and after that he had 5 strokes. Even though he knows I love him and I apologized I feel guilty. I feel bad that I let my biological dad come between me and father. Now that I'm older I feel like my dad was less than a man at the time. Because what kind of man lets another man taje care of his chi{d? I’ve asjed him about it and he said that it was because my mom told him I wasn't his. But you can c{ear{y te{{ that I’m his daughter. What jind of man a{{ows a woman to prohibit him from seeing his seed? Now that I’m o{der I’m iust g{ad that I’m getting to jnow him and spending some time with him, but it sti{{ messes with me. That this man I’ve been longing for since I was old enough to understand why I didn’t {ooj {ije my sisters and to accept the fact that their dad wasn't mines. But my dad wasn’t and sti{{ isn't mines. He’s everyone’s. Even though he has he{{a jids I fee{ {ije he’s been in their lives since birth, and in mines since I was 12yrs old. I don't want him to stop interacting with them or anything, but iust give me my time. I {ive with him now and I sti{{ don’t jnow him. He’s never home. He’s a{ways with a bitch. I fee{ {ije he needs to spend more time with me and less time with those hoes. I live with him and still feel like I never see him. I still feel lost like I don't belong. .. Belong to him, my mom, or even myself for that matter. I'm lost trying to find myself and neither him nor my mom is making anything better. I'm not comfortable with my situation, I'm not comfortable with myself and I don't jnow why. He’s my dad she’s my mom, why don't they worj together to he{p me? Shou{dn’t they figure it out?
Diamond In T he Ruff I’m black like charcoal. Sometimes I feel like my heart is made of charcoal. My soul has no remorse Especially when I get exposed to that temperature or put under a certain amount of pressure . My mind goes blank There’s no expression, there’s nothing But a bright shine, like I had an epiphany Like that glittery glow, you’d imagine Angels to have. You get closer ,it fades away Until you pick me up, dust me off Cleanse all the dirt and extra clumps I won’t shine. I Feel light as a feather , but heavy like a carrot then you and I both realize that I was just A Diamond In The Ruff.