Reading on the Run V. Jolene Miller

READING ON THE RUN

Binge reading on the run because everything else can wait.

ABOUT THE COLUMNIST

In Alaska, I’m a behavioral health instructor by day and a Ph.D. student by night. When I’m not teaching, I have my nose in a textbook or a scholarly article. These days, my writing is nonfiction and my puppy, Omar, is lucky if I can spare ten minutes to play fetch. I still carry a book in my purse because I hope to get a few minutes to read. Fifteen minutes before dawn, in between assignments, or right before falling into bed. Reading is my resting place.

BE REAL, NOT PERFECT.

BY V. JOLENE MILLER

I saw a quote today that read, “be real, not perfect.” I quite like the sentiment. First, there’s the reality: no one is perfect. You can die trying, but you (nor anyone else) will be successful. Plus, there’s something to be said about authenticity.

Take my dog, Omar, for instance. She’s complete in her realness. For example, if you’re standing at the kitchen counter eating crackers and hummus (as I often find myself to be) without giving her a snack, she will walk away and sulk. Likewise, if I am too tired to engage in a game of catch in the living room (also a frequent occurrence as of late), she will take her ball to her bed and lie there…until she hears the rustle of crackers.

Omar pulls no punches. She knows what she wants and when - her authenticity is laced with boundaries. You won’t play catch; she won’t even grace you with her presence. It’s how she rolls.

Many moons ago, I read Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say NO to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. If you aren’t familiar with it, there is an accompaniment workbook. The writing is simple, straightforward, and offers readers opportunities to practice the art of setting boundaries. I recommend it to students, friends, and acquaintances who report feeling overwhelmed, overworked, and overcommitted due to someone’s push to do more.

Setting boundaries is an art and not the abstract kind. The boundary must be as firm as the person creating it. Waffling about is not recommended. Boundaries are also not meant to be touched or crossed, not by the one

making the boundary or the one who has to abide by it.

This spring has been full of creating boundaries. In April, I set boundaries around my calendar after participating in several activities that sapped my introverted soul. In May, I set a limit to keep an individual from talking down to me. My husband and I put a boundary around our emotional well-being and removed ourselves from a toxic environment.

One of the surprises that come with creating boundaries is realizing the reward. When I capped my calendar in April, I found time to rest and recharge. In May, I found my voice and its companion, assertiveness. My husband and I realized the weight we’d been carrying and its harm to our still-mourning selves.

That’s not to say setting boundaries is easy, though I do believe perspective must be considered.

Omar’s perspective of me when I’m too tired to play catch is likely that I’m being lazy and mean. What she doesn’t realize is that I’m exhausted from working hard to create a life for her that includes dog toys, treats, and a large fenced-in yard. When I don’t give her a cracker every time she wants one, which equals approximately 87 times a day, she doesn’t realize that I’m rationing the box so that she doesn’t run out.

The same can be said when setting boundaries with people. Their perspective may be that you are mean, unloving, or completely mad. They may even voice their perspective, thus making the boundarysetting that much harder.

Don’t despair.

If a healthy boundary is necessary, be real about it. Examine why the boundary is important to you; determine the purpose it serves before you create it. Without the boundary, are you attempting to live up to some standard of perfect? Worse yet, are you attempting to live up to someone else’s standard of perfect for you? If you’re uncertain the purpose of the potential boundary, this book might be helpful: The Set Boundaries Workbook: Practical Exercises for Understanding Your Needs and Setting Healthy Limits by Nedra Glover Tawwab, MSW, LCSW. Perhaps, the greater struggle is feeling peace about setting limits and standing firm in them. If so, Tawwab’s book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself may prove helpful.

Whatever you do this summer, be real about it. Forego attempts at being perfect - there is no happiness (or success) there. Set healthy boundaries where and when needed; in the process, find yourself. Reclaim your peace.