ShellsuitZombie Magazine Issue 2

OK OK, WE GET IT. THE WORLD’S GONE TO HELL, WHY SHOULDN’T YOU? WITH THE THREAT OF NUCLEAR MELTDOWN, WORLDWIDE CIVIL CHAOS AND THE EROSION OF FREE SPEECH THIS YEAR, WHO GIVES A TOSS ABOUT THE GRADUATE STRUGGLE? YEAH LET’S ALL GO AND RUN AROUND WITH PITCHFORKS RAZING PARLIAMENT OR JUST STAY AT HOME IN BED. OR LET’S NOT. YOUR SITUATION HASN’T CHANGED. IN THE ANNALS OF TIME THEY WILL BE READING OF THOSE WHO ROSE AGAINST THE PLAGUE OF LETHARGY AND GREED AND STRUCK OUT FOR GREATNESS. THOSE WHO, AGAINST ALL ODDS, SAID NO TO MEDIOCRITY AND EMBRACED A DESIRE FOR MORE. THOSE WHO WON. NOW WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT IF YOU WERE ONE OF THEM. THIS ISSUE ISN’T MEANT TO BE A TEXTBOOK, A DIY GUIDE TO ‘MAKING IT’. YOU WON’T FIND 101 WAYS TO SUCK UP TO YOUR BOSS AND A PONCEY INFOGRAPHIC ON ‘WHAT KIND OF CREATIVE YOU ARE.’ YOU KNOW THAT SHIT. WE’RE JUST TRYING TO GET OUR VOICES HEARD, AND WE ADVISE THAT YOU ALL DO THE SAME. GET MAD, GET PASSIONATE, FUCK SHIT UP. THERE ARE REWARDS WITH YOUR NAMES ON THEM SO CLAIM WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS. AND NEVER EVER GIVE UP.

Editorial Welcome to issue 2 of ShellsuitZombie magazine.

The difficult second series.

Since issue 1 came out we’ve run film premieres, live internet broadcasts, interactive student-vs-industry fight nights, countless workshops and lectures and met some amazing people from up and down the country. We’ve been consistantly impressed with northerners, excited by student work, amused by the internet and angered by The Only Way Is Essex, during and after which this, our second magazine, has been birthed from the straining loins of the flammable neon-clothed undead.

In this issue you’ll find interviews with the men behind the Creative Review Twitter account, design legend Vince Frost and Dave Brown (AKA Bollo from the Mighty Boosh). We also have an exciting account of the tale of Placement Man, who loves the placement you hate, and bits about copywriting and self promotion too.

As well as that serious stuff there’s creepy love letters to Natalie Portman, stories about cats and weetabix, a poem about stalking and a bear having a piss.

This is issue 2. have a nice day.

Jonny

Editor: Jonny Burch

Contributors and Interviewees: Rob Butcher Frances Jenkins Vince Frost Dave Brown Mark Sinclair and Neil Ayres Holly Brockwell Andrew Muir Wood Dan Hall Karen Brotherton Sam Moore Peter Bowen Andy Cooke Olivia Rose Bora Demirbilek Chris Shearston Adam Stockwell

Photography on previous page by Dave Brown, this page by Olivia Rose.

www.shellsuitzombie.co.uk

In Issue 2: Interviews, Features & Wotnot How the Buggery did I get into Copywriting?

Holly Brockwell definitely didn’t put out p6 One Hundred and Fourty ShellsuitZombie nearly play a game of darts with Creative Review p10 I, Bollo Dave Brown, designer, photographer and Bollo from The Mighty Boosh gets a bloody good grilling p20 Epitaphs A series of Photographs by Olivia Rose p28 Vince Frost Britain’s finest export on why he buggered off (and other things) p34 Placement Man Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, but he’s pretty bonkers nonetheless. p42 Pirate Radio We did a live TV show. p56

General Doodahs Dear Natalie A creepy series of observations by Dr Muir Wood p16 Pick a Lane Andy Cooke on Fixed gears vs Boy Racers p18 The Fine Art of Selling Yourself Want to sell a wetsuit on eBay? p26 The Pygmy Pigeons of Penge East A historical paper documenting a London local p38 Catching Sleepers How to observe and record this rare talent p48 National Portrait Gallery A poem by Nathan Jones p52 Grumples the Cat He’s grumpy! He has Aids! p59 The Final moments of Wendy the Weetabix May she rest in pieces p59 P Diddy and Ben Affleck having a chat Except they’re both dogs p59 Wordsearch It’s a wordsearch. You might win a prize. p60

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‘How the buggery did I get into Copywriting?’ holly brockwell

“...then there was writing writing, you know, the ‘I’m a writer’ type of writing where you stay at home all day with hairy legs and look tortured.”

I remember the first time I ever heard the word ‘Copywriter’. It was in an ancient episode of ‘Friends’, that one where Chandler’s waiting to see if he gets one of three jobs (8-year-old-spoiler: he doesn’t) and then finds out the company’s made a Junior Copywriter position for him.

At the time, I remember not having any idea what a Copywriter might be, but thinking it was quite a pleasant-sounding job title to have.

writing where you stay at home all day with hairy legs and look tortured. I’d heard that didn’t pay so well for the first, oh, decade, so that was out.

Then suddenly, it came to me. ADVERTISING. This was a nice, professional-sounding career path, and what’s more, it had to be creative, didn’t it?

Later in life, when I’d done my GCSEs and A-levels, I decided to continue my favourite subject – English Language – into University and decide on the whole career thing later. In fact, it wasn’t until the last term of my last year at Uni that it dawned on me that that career thing needed to happen quite soon, actually. And I’d done absolutely no preparation.

I trundled off to the uni careers library, where like hundreds of students before me, I found that the staff didn’t have the foggiest idea of what advertising jobs existed or how to acquire one. Instead they pointed weak-wristed at a giant, horribly 90s-looking ringbinder marked ADV’ING. There was precisely nothing in there of any use, and I trudged back home worrying that people who couldn’t find careers in the careers office were destined to become careers officers themselves and spend their entire miserable lives in there.

I thought about jobs available to people who could write.

Well, there was journalism, but really I should have been in charge of the uni newspaper and had a bumload of work experience under my belt by now. Then there was writing writing, you know, the ‘I’m a writer’ type of

That evening, and by complete chance, I came across a summer school programme run by the IPA. It had been sensibly labelled ‘advertising’ despite technically being direct marketing, to draw in under-researched lastminute panickers like me. Thankfully, I made it onto the

All illustrations for this article are by Sam Moore, a recent graduate of the University of Leeds.

You can get to him on sammoorecandraw.tumblr.com.

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course, and started literally the Monday after the Friday that uni finished. Let me tell you – moving from York to London over a weekend? Not fun.

The course was three months in an agency, trying out the different departments. By the time I arrived, I was extremely well-versed on everything advertising (or so I thought), and already knew I wanted to be a Copywriter.

Not only did I get a cool-sounding title, I got to write all day, for actual money, and then hand it in and get it ‘marked’ by the Head of Copy. It was like a neverending English lesson - the best thing I could possibly imagine.

Sadly, I couldn’t just jump into the job I wanted, so when the agency was kind enough to offer me an Account Executive position as my internship ended, I took one look at my dwindling bank account and accepted.

I lasted two and a half months.

Suffice to say, being enormously organised and diplomatic and merely ferrying the exciting stuff to and

from the creative department wasn’t working for me. I needed to write. Like, now.

Amazingly, my first copywriting job came at exactly this point, while I was procrastinating on Facebook. I was a member of one of the advertising applicants pages, and there it was, on the Wall. I thought ‘I haven’t got a snowball’s chance of getting this job’ but got in touch anyway, explained my situation and sent some writing – just stuff I’d done for my blog, for myself, and for the uni newspaper (that one time I actually got off my arse and wrote something for it). Then I got called to interview (no freakin’ way). Then I got the job. Wait, what?

It was that easy. I didn’t have to work for free for months, I didn’t have to shop my book all round London (I didn’t even have a book) and I really, honestly didn’t have to give anyone head. I just showed that I could write, explained that I cared a lot about writing, and demonstrated that I was intensely passionate about all things orthographical. That’s it.

My story is probably fairly atypical, but here are some useful bits I’ve learnt that might help you on yours:

• • • • •

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You CAN be a Copywriter without being in a team with an Art Director. I was told this wasn’t possible. It’s actually easier than ever now, especially in digital and below-the-line.

Direct agencies are a good place to start as a Copywriter, because they need reams and reams of writing done and you’ll hone your craft very quickly.

Social networks are the best place to look for jobs at the moment. Loads of agencies tweet their vacancies now, so search every day.

Being able to spell – or more able to spell than your Art Director – does not make you a good candidate for Copywriter. If you don’t love words, it’s not the job for you. I have seriously seen teams flip a coin to decide which one would be the Copywriter, and it made me die a little bit inside.

Any and all typos in this article were intentional, to keep you on your toes.

Holly is a freelance digital Copywriter. You can find more rants and rambles on her blog: copybot.wordpress.com.

As a follow-up to last issue’s Pool-related D&AD interview, ShellsuitZombie decided to challenge another dynamic duo to a battle. This time it was to be the team behind @CreativeReview, the Twitter account belonging to the magazine of the same name which (at the time of writing) has not far off 400,000 followers, making it one of the biggest noncelebrity Twitter accounts in the UK. The authors, Mark Sinclair (Deputy Editor) and Neil Ayres (Digital Producer) or ‘Neil and Mark’ as their Twitter profile lovingly calls them, were about to flex their darts muscle in a battle to find one glorious victor.

Or were they?

ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTY

No, because the dartboard was in use. So instead we just sat down and had a couple of pints and a chat about Twitter, writing for Creative Review, Carp and mistaken identity. I might make up some darts scores, but they will strictly be to ‘add spice’. The winner will also be made up. Sorry Mark, I’m sure you’re great at darts really.

Mark steps up to the plate first, throwing a mediocre 31 points.

Neil manages more, scoring an impressive 120 with his first three darts.

Hi Neil – could you describe your role at CR? Neil: Yeah it’s changed a bit since january. I’ve been working at creative review for 4 years, before which I was at Design Week. I came from a print production background but when the decision was made to launch the new website I started doing the online production for creative review. What followed was a youtube channel and then Twitter.

Do creative Review as a whole embrace Twitter as a valuable part of the magazine?

N: They do now, but when I first mentioned it people didn’t really get what the purpose of it was. It was very much ‘if you need something to do, go for it’. It’s worked quite well, definitely leading up to the tweetup for example.

Did that lead up to extra followers?

N: No it’s been very steady growth really. On one site we were ranked 38th in London, just below Andy Murray and just above JLS. Mark: That’s where we see ourselves. (laughs). We have a similar number of followers to Wallpaper magazine, that’s quite a good comparison. Some celebrities are just on Twitter for an ego boost, they don’t really interact with their fans and that’s the antithesis of what we believe Twitter is about.

Twitter divides a lot of people, the ones that say they don’t get it are probably those who only ever followed celebrities and never got the conversational aspect of it.

N: Yeah I didn’t get it at first - I first noticed a famous psychologist had started a Twitter account just a few weeks after it launched and I looked at it and couldn’t make head nor tail of it. It was another 18 months before I got into it myself. Around when we started the CR account a couple of years after that was a tipping point for Twitter, when it really boomed.

Review has over 390,000 followers now, if I say something to them they will get back to me. Though it’s a huge account it feels approachable.

M: Speaking to friends on friday night they were amazed by the amount of effort we’ve put into something they see as essentially a gossip tool, but doing Twitter effectively involves interacting and talking to as many people as we can. If you ask us a direct question we’ll try our hardest to reply, and when others see us doing it it becomes much more of a method for interaction and feedback.

N: A lot of people will only interact with creative review through our Twitter feed. We never mentioned that we were even a magazine on our Twitter description for ages, which has recently changed, but there are thousands of creative review readers that have never seen or heard of the print magazine.

Have priorities changed at CR post social media?

M: Not really, everything still points back to the print magazine. At the same time though, we see the blog as a sister publication to the magazine, not an offshoot, or the print magazine made digital. It’s doing its own thing.

If you go on the blog, or on our Twitter, the magazine is very different to that. Circulation of the print mag is good but it’s been hard for everyone over the last few years.

When the ‘work’ section of CR was dropped for the ‘crit’ section, that I look after, that was the print mag reacting to the current climate in a way - ‘news’ making way for more in-depth articles. If you get a new piece of work on the first day of print production, it won’t be published for 4 weeks, by which point it will have been blogged everywhere.

Yet people who subscribe to creative review have shelves of creative review. It’s very collectable.

M: Absolutely, it may be a cliche now but the tactile quality helps.

N: Also though the breadth of work has also increased.

I’m not a designer but i’m interested in illustration and comic books and the magazine now caters for a range of tastes.

M: That’s why the Twitter feed has worked so well too.

We can now flag up all sorts of things, not just design and advertising.

Do Creative review have a Facebook page too?

M: Yeah it’s been bubbling away for a while

M: If you think about the things we’ve now done with Twitter it’s amazing that two years ago we had no idea what it really was capable of.

As a Twitter user I feel like even though Creative

N: We even have a myspace page!

M: Do we still? I thought that must have gone the way of … well … myspace.

In a series of offputting photos we will show some ‘darts scenes’.

This isn’t Neil Ayres, or even Mark Sinclair. It’s Gary Anderson, a professional darts player from Eyemouth in Scotland. He’s a former BDO and WDF world number one. Well done him.

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One thing I’ve noticed about the blog is that it tends to kick off quite a reaction. There seems to be hot topics…

Are you guys aware of being quite a big voice in the creative world?

N: There’s just one isn’t there? Logos.

M: You get an idea of the magazine’s standing and reputation occasionally but day to day you’re so involved in it that it’s difficult to tell. I think it’s the same with any magazine, for the people who write it, it can be hard to tell what it’s like to ‘experience’ it. But you always have to remember that you’re writing to be read, if you know what I mean. And I enjoy reading what we write about...

M: Yeah it’s usually rebrands of household names. That’s why we did a logo edition of the magazine, we know how contentious that subject it.

Do you look for that?

M: Yeah we like it when it’s a good debate. There’s a fine line between good debate and a slanging match and we’re very cautious now that we don’t let it get out of control. Usually what happens is that someone says a piece of work is rubbish, then someone else says ‘well your website is rubbish’ and then we have to remind people to not get personal.

So if you were into carp fishing you’d still look up to the editor of Carp Monthly?

N: What’s funny though is that for the recent T-mobile royal wedding ad for example, the blog kicked off in a negative way and all the while everyone on Twitter was very positive. The level of anonymity on the blog changes opinion.

M: We look at the feed a few times a day, and by no means everything is approved, so it’s an achievement to be featured.

M: We try to let as much through as possible, but people use the anonymity function to say some pretty nasty stuff and we have to watch that.

N: And then youtube is another world. We tried to moderate that for a while then quickly gave up.

M: It’s like a subterranean commentary, it descends into hatred very quickly.

M: Pint?

PINT. Mark generously gets these ones in. This reporter has a lager, Neil has a disturbingly fizzy tap water and I can’t tell you what Mark has, he doesn’t announce it to the microphone. More fake darts is played in this time but I won’t tell you how much so I don’t have to add up the scores.

Thanks! Mark, what do you do at CR? M: Well I’ve been at creative review for 9 years, I started as senior writer, doing feature and news writing. This was before we had a proper website, that only really got going 7 years ago. I now look after the Crit section and then manage regular columnists as well as any features I’m doing myself. That’s alongside trying to get out a couple of blog posts a day. As deputy editor I also have to step into Patrick’s (Burgoyne, Editor) shoes if he’s not around.

Would you one day like the top job?

M: Ooh, what a question (laughs) I don’t think Patrick has any plans at the moment so…

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M: Yeah, something like that…

Do you also look after the feed? How does one go about getting work into that?

N: Sometimes a piece from the feed will make it onto the blog too if it’s particularly interesting.

M: It’s great because everything has been written by the designer or creator and we don’t have to then go back onto their site to write a piece each time. We can just press approve, so it just has our editorial take on what’s interesting.

How do you feel about Twitter as a means of promotion, particularly as a graduate. If you’re not Creative Review but an unknown creative, do you think Twitter can be of value?

M: Definitely. There are loads of people we know through Twitter and that’s only because of one mention or retweet saying ‘check this out’ It can be a very easy way to get your stuff out there.

N: and you start to have conversations with people who you’ve met through a retweet. Our problem is that we try to follow as many people as possible but inevitably there will be some really interesting voices that you never see when you have tens of thousands of people on your feed.

M: The simple act of ‘following’ someone is such a simple way to start a relationship though.

I’ve noticed that Neil, you have an active personal Twitter account but when I type Mark Sinclair into Twitter I get ‘@TheDonutMan’. I assume this isn’t you?

M: Ha, no. I was preparing to a conference in Cape Town a couple of years ago and the press contact asked what I looked like so he could pick me up from the airport. He eventually emailed me a picture that he’d clearly found on Google of a well fed middle-aged looking corporate

You can’t surely be thinking this is Mark Sinclair? Ha no. It’s Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor! Where have you been?

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chap in a suit and asked ‘is this you?’ Seriously.

N: You’re completely offline Mark. But at least you managed to get your name on the CR profile. If someone then knew it was a magazine and went to the website they’d work it out.

Mark isn’t very good at fake darts, missing spectacularly and impaling the barman. Neil, akin to Robin Hood, casually throws his next dart, splitting Marks in Twain. Ignoring the bleeding barman, he then throws his next two darts straight and true, leaving himself with just 40 to win.

Do you guys write outside Creative Review?

M: Yeah I’ve done a few projects, I’ve written a book too...

N: About comics. He’s going to plug it now.

M: Well it is available on Amazon for an insultingly low price. I do bits and bobs, the odd chapter and essay here and there.

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N: Last year I did a few freelance pieces for magazines, I didn’t really enjoy it. I’m writing a science fiction novel though.

M: Freelance can be hard work, you have to go home and get motivated to write again, sometimes I’m very happy just writing at work!

Do you have a few spare copies?

M: Yeah I have about 20! I thought it would be great to have loads, but now I look at them and I’m like ‘Oh God, who can i send these to?’

OK on to degree shows. You must have been to a fair few, any thoughts or advice?

M: Theres loads of little ways in which you can make that experience more successful for you if that’s what you want. The whole ‘black folder’ portfolio thing is so off-putting for one - people don’t want to flick through loads of work. You think about when you go to an exhibition or gallery, people just want to go and look at

Aha, finally. There they are, looking intense and authorial, like on the back of a book jacket.

Mark is on the left, Neil on the right. Photographs by George Foote.

great work. Also, if you’re there at your show, you can approach people and see if they want to know more about a piece of work. That can help too.

Do you think that theory works on Twitter too? Should you be shouting about your work?

M: Yes, certainly, but the other side is sometimes we get a personal message saying ‘Hi creative review, check out my work’ and then you check their Twitter page and they’ve sent the same message twenty times to different people. It’s the equivalent of copy and pasting an email and forgetting to change the name of the magazine.

‘Hi Creative review, I’ve been an avid reader of Eye for years now…’ It’s not the end of the world, but it can get people’s backs up a bit, and you only have to proof-read your emails to avoid it.

Mark then misses again. ‘MARK?!’, we all shout.

Final question - Any plans for another CR Tweetup?

N: Are we allowed to say?

M: There is going to be one on July 21 at Tate Britain, it’s a tie-in with the Vorticist exhibition they’re staging.

It will involve creative participation online in the form of a Tumblr, and some involvement on Twitter. This is beginning to sound like a press release but we’re continuing to build on the first Tweetup. We’re going to post all about it on the CR blog.

That sounds exciting!

N: It’s going to be fun. Right, it’s time to get back to Twitter!

Neil then stylishly finishes Mark off with a double top, becoming the first winner of fake ShellsuitZombie darts ever.

He would have looked proud and honoured (and probably made a winners speech) if I hadn’t made the darts bit up. There had now been a two and a half hour period of no tweets from Creative Review, people were starting to need their fix. It was time to go.

M: That’s a really good question

Just in case you’re one of the three people not already following Creative Review on twitter, you can find this pair tweeting under the handle @creativereview.

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Dear Natalie This is an obsessive study of Natalie Portman’s face. The idea arose after two recent events that sit at opposite ends of the spectrum of culture. The first was an audience with the artist Michael Landy, which I won in a competition.

He was presenting a set of exquisitely detailed portraits of his chums from the art world. He explained that each pencil drawing was in fact an ‘inventory of the face’ (always starting with the eyes), which reflects his compulsive desire to catalogue things that is evident in much of his previous work.

The second cultural event was a hungover viewing of “Thor 3D”, in which Natalie Portman looks well fit. Thus for the purpose of investigatory journalism, I decided to lose myself in her face and try to document her features and the meanings they evoke.

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Dr. Andrew Muir Wood is a product strategy consultant and emeritus professor of facial typologies at the University of Cambridge. Follow him on twitter at @muirface.

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Pick a Lane andy cooke

...most cyclists hate drivers, and most drivers hate cyclists.

Especially when both parties are just trying to get around at a great speed. Then there are cyclists like me who can’t drive, always ridden bikes, but couldn’t give a shit either way.

By no means a professional, alas, not an amateur, what follows is a thought on fixed gear.

Always an avid cyclist, through dirt jump, downhill, trials and BMX—I arrive in London and I’m really in the thick of this Fixed Gear world. It’s not a new thing—it’s the oldest form of cycling there is—although it’s received a lot of hype amongst a certain crowds in cities all over the world. Kind of like the OFWGKTA of Cycling.

That begins the list of parallels I find with fixed gear (this isn’t a negative article—far from it—I’m a fixed rider, I run a bike blog, I’ve put out a fixed publication and 14 Bike Co. are my best friends), and other sub–cultures, which don’t really have too much of a point. Just an observation I decided to note down for SSZ#2.

The main parallel I’m calling on is the huge amount of things that are shared with the modified car world.

It’s an odd one to say the least—most cyclists hate drivers, and most drivers hate cyclists. Especially when both parties are just trying to get around at a great speed. Then there are cyclists like me who can’t drive, always ridden bikes, but couldn’t give a shit either way.

Anyway I digress. It just strikes me as interesting that the amount of time people put into their respective machines is extraordinary. The time and money spent on getting it perfect: the right colour, the right parts, the right components for optimum speed, for optimum handling, fully customised parts—that extra effort to be unique. Then there are the nasty, nasty garish colourmatched fixed gear bikes that cost pittance and are for the ‘fashion–conscious’—kind of like that really badly modified Nova with the Shark fin spoiler—an entry level piece of shit that when you first get it you think you’re the tits (guilty).

We meet at night—in car parks where nobody else roams—for races, to show off and to loiter. We’re almost always moved on. We hold events and meets that are official, we have our own magazines, we have our own words that nobody else uses—but when you’re in your own small crowd of people it all makes sense and everybody gets on (most of the time). We’re all geeks.

We all like to know more than the next guys. We break the law—by speeding, by running red lights. We consider every other person who uses the road to be inept and nowhere near as good or experienced as ourselves. We’re all elitist—you have to earn your way in to be accepted.

We both have our own set of posers in our respective sub–cultures (who need to be irradiated).

There are the old 70’s track bikes that have a direct relation to vintage Jaguar race cars, the horrible 80’s machines where everyone went a bit crazy but we kind of like them even though we’re not supposed to, there are the 90’s outfits that people always refer to as the pinnacle, yet others can’t fathom why you’re not utilising the most recent advance in technology to improve your ride.

It’s kind of weird, and one could argue that these parallels can be made with a ton of other hobbies or activities. One would be correct, but this is one I decided to focus on. A good friend of mine, always a good BMX rider, is also really into his VW Polos and dedicates a lot of time to both hobbies. He has no qualms with either crowd he hangs out with—whether the lads at the skatepark on a Saturday afternoon or the lads at the local Tesco car park in the evening. I guess if there is any point to this observation, on the whole it’s that we’re all the same really. We all have the same ideals. So share the road and stay safe out there (fucking hippy).

Andy Cooke is a designer and founder of fixed blog fixed, and what.

The second issue of his fixed magazine by the same name is out now. www.fixedandwh.at.

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I, BO One

spectacularly sunny lunchtime, ShellsuitZombie managed to hunt down a rare Gorilla only common to Clerkenwell London. Dave Brown, most famous for his role as Bollo in The Mighty Boosh, spends most of his time as a designer and photographer producing (alongside Boosh work like 2008s spectacularly successful ‘The Mighty Book of Boosh’) beautiful printed stuff for clients like Universal and the BBC, as well as of course the odd performance to tens of thousands on arena tours around the country. It’s safe to say we were feeling pretty smug about trapping him in a pub in Clerkenwell (which happens to be just below his studio) for a pint and a chat about Design, the future of Boosh, Noel’s new book and photographing Julian Barrett and villagers in Ghana.

SSZ: So Dave/Bollo, what would you consider to be your main job?

Dave: I guess I consider myself to be a creative, the Boosh started as something I did with my mates as a laugh and it blew up into something huge. I’ve always had to juggle the worlds of Comedy and Design, quite often for me they overlap, obviously when you’re out on tour it’s all consuming but even then I’ve been known to be sat in my hotel room on a squeezing the odd freelance job in.

So you’ve always been freelance?

I couldn’t be full time, in the early days I needed the freedom to be able to drop everything and get involved in a Boosh project at the drop of a hat, so freelance was perfect, then just before the first live Boosh tour in 2006

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I did something I’d always wanted to do and set up my own agency, aptly named Ape, with a mind to be more of a collective of creatives rather then just a sole trader. It allows me to get all the amazing creatives I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and working with over the years involved as and when I can on all kinds of creative projects.

It’s been pretty full on since to be honest, so full on in fact that I haven’t even had time to launch the website!

It always gets pushed to the bottom of the to do list when I’m busy and then when I find the time to get back to it I’ve gone off everything I’ve done and start again. There’s a holding page up at the moment that says ‘Gorillas can use up to 52 different tools. They’re currently using those tools to build this site’. Well they’re obviously rubbish at using them because it’s taking them bloody ages to finish!

Would you say Boosh has helped the rest of your career?

I guess so, although you could also say it’s got in the way.

I am doing a lot of books now as a result of the Boosh book but many of my clients haven’t a clue who I am.

I’ve done work for Fearne Cotton, Ben Brooks, James Rhodes, Nick Cave and recently comedian Tim Key as a result of the book and Boosh work in general. BBC books actually just rang and asked me if I’d be interested in designing this years Top Gear guide to Christmas book!

They’ve approached me because they said they loved the Boosh book and would like my take on things. Will be

Check out Dave’s site - www.apeinc.co.uk

OLLO great if that’s true but I’m not counting my chickens just yet. I recently did an interview with Radio 4 where I went on a massive rant about Jeremy Clarkson’s stonewashed pumpkin arse not fitting into my Morris Minor so if they get wind of that it could be off ! (Ed.- Since doing this interview Dave has stepped away from the Top Gear job due to, shall we say, creative differences.)

It sounds like books are your bread and butter. How do you go about designing a successful book like ‘TMBOB’?

I don’t have a process, I approach everything from an idea, every brief is obviously different and I design to that, so it’s a bit worrying when people say ‘I love the Boosh book, can you do that for me?’ - I interpret that as can you adopt a similar way of approaching the brief rather than making it look exactly like the Book of Boosh.

The Boosh book was designed around the characters really, the style and feel of each page born from an idea in the writing and from the vibrancy and diversity of the show, a 4 column grid with a consistent type style was obviously never going to work!

The Boosh book sold incredibly well, largely due to the popularity of the show, but we were also very keen to not just make it a standard off the shelf spin off shitty annual like most TV show books. Like all Boosh product, we’re very hands on, mostly doing it ourselves and we dedicate time and effort to make sure the final product is worthy of the show. That’s pretty unique to be honest.

I think this attention to detail and quality control is what makes our fans so insanely loyal. We haven’t done

anything new in ages but the books and DVD’s are still selling, purely down to the quality of the design of course!

Surely not everyone just wants you for your Boosh?

No, like I said, I have a fair few clients that don’t know I’m in the Boosh, in fact, a while ago when I was still freelancing, one client left me in charge of their studio before getting on a flight to New York, on the flight they watched a Boosh ep and saw me playing Joey Moose in the first series. They were like ‘Is that the guy we just… what the fuck?’

Bollo has played to some huge crowds…

Yeah the last tour we did was insane, Wembley Arena, multiple nights at Brixton, selling out the 02 two nights on the trot, it’s been a crazy time and I’m so lucky to have had those experiences, it is hard after a touring sitting back at a computer designing but I get my kicks out of the creative and I still keep a toe in show business with a bit of directing, writing and the odd gig here and there. To be honest it’s hard trying to keep it all up and sometimes I wish I just had one job to do. Design isn’t exactly a part time job is it! and I’ve also just had a baby girl, so lets just say I’m pretty tired and exhausted at the moment, I’m smiling though, honest.

What are you up to at the moment?

At the moment I’m working on a book with Noel called

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reworked, longer and better as well as new ones written for characters, I reckon they all stand up in their own right, even if you’d never seen the Boosh I still reckon you could get into it, the new Crack Fox track is incredible!

It’s a great album, people should have it in their ear holes right now.

People always ask if The Boosh have split up, I guess its inevitable when nothing new has happened in a while but we haven’t and stuff will again, Noel and Julian do things when they’re ready, they’ve produced so much material over the years, they’re just having a break at the mo. There’s still loads of stuff on the table that’s never seen the light of day, but they’ll do it when they’re ready and when they do it will be great. They just need to find out where that table is...

Is the passion still there?

Yeah of course, always will be, for them and for me. You always come back stronger after a holiday, just maybe a little sunburnt, haha.

So I hear you’re involved in some charity work. Fancy talking about that for a bit?

Yes, I love talking about it! I have just become an ambassador for afrikids.org, A freaking ambassador!

AfriKids is a charity focusing on child rights in Northern The Scribblings of a Madcap Shambleton, not Boosh related, it’s basically a book about Noels art and writing and I’m design and compiling it. There’s also a lot of my photography in it. It’s a visual bombardment of Noel’s mind really, paintings, sketchbooks, scribblings, it’s looking amazing. He’s pretty prolific, such a huge body of work. He’s been painting for years, unlike some famous freaks who get a set of colouring pencils for Christmas and decide through boredom that they’re now an artist. Noel can actually paint his tits off and does so every moment he gets and has done for years so at the moment I’m trying to get 530 pages down to 320! What’s really interesting about the work when you see it all together is that you can see how he writes to inspire his painting and he paints to inspire his writing, I know I’m biased but I love his stuff, if you haven’t seen it think Basquiat, Haring, DeBuffet, Magritte, Hockney, Aubrey Beardsley...

So are there any plans in the pipeline for the Boosh?

Well everyone’s working on separate things at the moment. Noel is busy doing his own show ‘Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy’ and Julian is doing a Russian play at the Young Vic ‘Government Inspector’. Those two have pretty much become Howard and Vince.

The last thing we were working on was the album. I was told when I last heard it about 3 months ago that it was 90% done and it sounded immense then so no idea what’s going on! It has all the tracks from the show

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Look! The covers of The Mighty book of Boosh and The Scribblings of a Madcap Shambleton

Africa - They’ve been an absolute joy to work with, I’ve done some fundraising for them as Bollo, I’ve rebranded them, not as Bollo, and I even got the opportunity to spend some time in Ghana last year seeing their projects first hand. I was filming and taking stills for their library, it was an incredible experience - it sounds clichéd and worthy saying it was life changing but it was. The Upper East region of Ghana is an amazing place, the people are beautiful, many of them have next to nothing and yet they’re so welcoming, so happy, so positive and an absolute joy to photograph. From a portraiture point of view it was incredible. You expect a certain amount of shyness or self awareness from someone when you stick a big camera in their face but everyone there was so natural and un-effected. They would just look right down the lens without a hint of embarrassment or effect. I couldn’t stop taking pictures. I need to go back, there’s a chance I will be involved in an ambulance convoy driving donated medical vehicles and equipment from Southampton to Bolgatanga in Northern Ghana next year, imagine the photographic opportunity there!

There’s a book in that... If I could do anything I’d be travelling the world taking pictures How does that compare to shooting backstage on tour?

Worlds apart in terns of there being more more booze, hairspray and ... erm ... humous but actually not that different from a photographic point of view, its still about getting yourself in the right place, sensing when to be anonymous and when to get in amongst it. I’m lucky with the Boosh obviously because I’m an insider, it means everyone acts as if there wasn’t a camera around, except Rich of course who turns into a complete psycho, nutjob, showoff whenever any recording equipment appears. He’s a shy intravert mouse normally!

The trouble with me taking all the backstage Boosh shots is that I’m never in any of them, but then when we get photographers out on tour to shoot us I always feel for them because they usually get nothing! Especially when they’re big personalities and act all crazy and hyper like that’s what we react to! I always smile to myself and think ‘you’re not going to get anything here mate, especially from Julian’ He rarely gives me anything photographically let alone a strange cool cat called Moses in his silly hat and mad trainers wondering why in every shot he has of Julian he’s talking or eating!

I can imagine him being a pain in the arse Not at all, well, maybe just a little every now and then but aren’t we all? He’s also the most truthful loyal down the line no shit guy you’ll ever meet, he’s also fucking hilarious and one of the best comic actors out there.

How did you meet?

Me, Noel and Nige (Boosh animator and co creator of Noels new show) went to see Julian do standup at uni -

he was fucking amazing. Noel had wanted to go in for an award which Julian had won the year before, the daily telegraph open mic award, so thats why we saw him …

I think … but then they met in Edinburgh and both got signed to the same management company and started writing together. Then they did three years in Edinburgh before the radio and TV shows. Being there from the off means I have photography all the way back to the source, I plan to do an exhibition and book some day of the lot, maybe next year, I think its 10 years since the first series?

I may be wrong, my mind is mash, too much humous on tour.

OK We have some questions from ShellsuitZombie readers. Graeme asks: Where are you Keeping the severed head of the honey monster*?

Ha, I don’t know where that is. It’s probably behind a bin backstage somewhere in a Scottish theatre. The last gig on our last tour was in Aberdeen, I don’t know whose fucking idea that was. It was a great gig and the people were amazing but we it did feel a bit of anti climax, although the journey back to London was ridiculous, it felt like it was half an hour! The honey monster head, I don’t know, it’s probably in Peter Kay’s bed, discuss.

Image, top right: Dave’s cover for recent Ben Brooks novel Grow Up. * After a Sugar Puffs advert used a similar crimping style to the Boosh, Bollo exacted his revenge on the brand’s iconic beast live on tour.

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Holly asks: Do you find yourself grunting and acting like a primate after being onstage?

It’s the most powerful thing to be in that costume, and acting it – especially in real life situations, I’ve found that out when I’ve been doing charity work, fundraising in banks and stuff, getting in lifts and acting nonchalant amongst business men and women. Some people react well and have a laugh, embrace it, others desperately try to ignore the fact that they’re standing in a lift with Gorilla, others have massive heart attacks and die at my primate feet. It’s weird for kids because they either run up and cuddle you or freeze, have meltdowns and are forever scared.

A friend recently did a film with John Landis [Director of American Werewolf in London and Thriller] who is apparently obsessed with monkey impersonators. He has a room in his house dedicated to all the monkey actors of the world and reckons he can tell who is in any monkey suit in any film anywhere. So he asked my mate for a signed photo of Bollo and I had to send him a strange signed shot like those ones you see in New York dry cleaners. Still, now I know I’m in John Landis’s monkey room I sleep better at night.

John asks: In the Bollo Cadburys ad parody is it you in the suit**?

Which is your favourite episode?

Milky Joe is awesome, I love Nannageddon and Old Gregg and in series 3 it’s got to be Eels. Its tough to pick a favourite, I genuinely piss myself at most of them even when I watch them back now.

Is anything ad-libbed?

Yeah, have you met Rich? Ever tried to get him to say the same line twice! It’s always where the best stuff comes from, harder in TV land but on tour its encouraged and is always where the gold comes from, also keeps you alive, when you’re doing 6 shows a week for four or so months you need to keep it fresh.

In fact, there was one thing that Bollo had to do in the live show, rolling a big prop offstage. One day the caster caught and I stacked it, incidentally ripping my leg open in the process. It got the biggest laugh of the night so I carried on doing it for the rest of the tour!

Thanks Dave, it’s been sweet.

No worries, nice to meet you.

And with that, like an ape in the woods, he was gone.

Of course it is, how very dare you suggest otherwise...

Dave took hundreds of photos of Ghanaians on his recent trip with Afrikids, a charity for whom he is ambassador. **If you don’t know what this is referring to, look here: tinyurl.com/bollocadburys

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The Fine Art of Selling Yourself frances jenkins

“this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit. Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not piss in wetsuits.”

SEX sells. Also selling well at the moment are wittily worded descriptions of your beloved, soon-to-besomebody-else’s car / wetsuit / bike / other that I am yet to discover, on online markets like eBay. Let’s start with exhibit one; a “max wicked sick BMX”.

Fuck yeah.

“I have mostly done stunts on this bike since forever. Once I did a boom gnarly stunt on it and a girl got pregnant just by watching my extremeness to the maxxxxx.”

Amazing. You think you’re signing up for a bog standard BMX when the reality is you could be riding away with a baby making, cream your pants inducing hunk of stunty goodness. As they say at the end of the description, “throw your hands in the air like you just don’t mind.”

Every inch of my 5’5” being loves that sentence.

Alternatively if two wheels aren’t your bag, what about a mint green Ford Focus Ghia (exhibit two)? NO ONE in their right mind would ever buy this car in a regular eBay auction. Throw in some badass descriptions though and you’ve got yourself £1,089 of minty goodness; “the windows are tinted at the back so if you take that lass from the chippy up the hills you can do what you like in the back and won’t be seen.” Told you sex sells.

The genius of that statement comes from the addendum to the article; “just pretended to get off with myself in the back seats, I had someone confirm that they could see me. This unfortunately means the windows are only lightly tinted and it isn’t privacy glass.” Shame.

Talk about being a crowd pleaser, the listing goes on to offer added value with the inclusion of a FREE CARDBOARD BOX! But later retracts the box as it got

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used to make a flux capacitator. Still, that’s a pretty good use for a cardboard box.

Not only does the listing manage to turn a sales venue into a place of laugh-inducing banter, it more than doubles the reserve (£800) AND incites some audience interaction to boot. Nobody doubts this car is cack, but as this person says, “Ford focus’s [sic] are absolute shit but ive [sic] never read anything so funny in my life, my pregnant bird laughed so much her belly wobbled uncontrollably and now my unborn daughter thinks shes [sic] stuck in a wave machine.”

Sic(k), no?

The pièce de résistance in the world of online sales banter comes in the form of a humble, “piss free” wetsuit, which ended up retailing at a whopping £8,999.

To emphasise the lack of piss in the suit, the seller included a picture of a bear using a urinal, stressing, “this is how I normally use the toilet, notice that the animal is not wearing a wetsuit. Although I am not a bear, I, like a bear, do not piss in wetsuits.” Good to know. Plus, everyone likes a picture of a bear. This listing built such huge following, d_h_morgan (the seller) created its very own little website; www.dontwearwetsuits.com.

The moral is? Be honest about what you’re selling but in a funny way and no one will care whether or not what you’re selling is a pile of urine free junk which may or may not live up to all it claims.

So remember, this article is written by the most talented journalist around, who has had one careful owner (my mum, don’t diss my mum), and whilst it might be focussing on the genius of other people’s writing without being particularly insightful itself, is the best goddamn article you will EVER read on the topic [sic].

The brilliantly rude illustration opposite is by Karen Brotherton.

Catch her work at www.karenbrotherton.blogspot.com.

a series of photographs by olivia rose

Olivia Rose is a London-based photographer who for the last couple of years has embarked on a project to record and portray scenes which we walk and drive past every day - roadside memorials. She has captured dozens in this time, all of which were displayed in an exhibition on Great Eastern Street in early June. Shown are five of the most powerful shots and the stories behind them. see more of her work at oliviarosephotography.co.uk

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“Ben Kinsella, 2nd Anniversary 1991-2008� (Islington) The stabbing of Ben Kinsella, a promising young actor, was a widely publicized story in 2008 when knife crime became a hot topic for the media. Ben was involved in a fight outside a bar and was subsequently stabbed to death by two males on North Road, Islington. Ben Kinsella was a very popular boy and was very well loved amongst his peers. This was reflected in the size of his memorial on the 2nd anniversary of his death. His sister Brooke, who starred in Eastenders for a time, now campaigns against knife crime with The Ben Kinsella Trust.

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“Unknown: Teddy and Roses” (Alperton) The girl for whom this memorial has been erected, was in the back seat of a stolen car with her friend and boyfriend, when the Police blocked the road and she panicked, crossed the road without looking and was involved in a fatal collision. The imformation I have gathered about this memorial was sent to me in a letter by the site’s closest neighbour. The entire tree where the shrine is placed is covered in artificial flowers and teddy bears because “they were her favourite.”

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“Unknown: RIP You will be sadly missed” (Windsor) This was the first Roadside Memorial I shot – I found it on a way back from a meeting about the concept - It seemed fated that the first memorial I would come upon would be a single red rose. Plaque read: “R.I.P You will be sadly missed. Thinking of you always. Lots of Love Zoe and Lee xxxxxxxx” The identity of the victim is unknown to me, but locals have suggested it was a young girl involved in a fatal car accident.

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“Our Son Scott 1976-1996 Always in our hearts and in our minds” (Stanmore) I use this route frequently, through Stanmore onto the A41: this particular roundabout is a fast and dangerous stretch of road and I had seen various flower shrines in this spot over the years. However I was attracted to stop by a single wreath lying on a patio slab that seemed to be wholly out of place. When I returned to photograph the wreath a few days later, a permanent memorial had been erected in its place. The plaque that has been erected reads: “In loving memory of our son Scott / June 76 - Sept 96 / Always in our hearts and on our minds.” The once melancholy blue grey wreath which was virtually hidden against telegraph poles and road barriers is now pink and vibrant against the roadside landscape.

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“Little Richard McDonagh 1997-2008” (Ikea, Brent) Michael Richard McDonagh was only 11 years old when he tried to cross a busy A road and was hit by a car (which never stopped) and was thrown in to the air.

When his body fell back to earth, he was hit by a second car. The information I have gathered from this site, was told to me by an Irish local, who referred to the boy as “Little Richard McDonagh” and spent several minutes telling me his sad tale. This was the first time I had really experienced the impact that these sites can have on an entire community. The man was clearly wary of me at first, but warmed to me when he realized I wanted to know as much as possible about the deceased, so as to respect their memory.

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ShellsuitZombie trudged around the world* to talk to one of Britains finest exports, Australian ex-pat designer Vince Frost

In

ShellsuitZombie’s first international Skype interview ever we managed to get hold of Vince Frost, acclaimed designer, ex pentagram associate, winner of countless awards and founder of Frost design, an Australian powerhouse of fantastic creative work. The time difference meant that Vince was eating breakfast and this reporter was in his pajamas (don’t ever say we aren’t professional) but despite that we managed to get through discussions on his work, advice for those starting out and his feelings on the royal family.

Vince, I first became a fan of yours when I saw your work with letterpress – are you still getting out the wood type?

Yeah, we used letterpress for an ad campaign for Northern Territories a few years ago. It’s a pretty raw place, it felt right to use that kind of imperfect typography. My dad used a letterpress so I was influenced by that and I love the work of Alan Kitching. Now though, working for a brand like Qantas, a wooden feel isn’t so appropriate. So I fit the medium to the job, I suppose. is there an area of design you’re favouring at the moment or is it a case by case basis. Is there something big in the next year that you’re excited about?

We have so much going on at any time in the studio that we’re working across all mediums. I wouldn’t be happy stuck in one area and though it creates more pressure, I enjoy working in a more general way. In terms of trends, we’re working at getting better at digital and collaborating with people who are excellent at that.

I find online media hugely exciting, there’s a lot of potential there.

But you must still be a print designer at heart?

I started working 2 years before apples came out and even then they were basic, so yeah I consider myself print and there’s still masses of print in what we do. We also get involved in a lot of signage and I love branding it’s great to work large and small.

As an ex pat Brit living in Australia is there anything about the UK that you miss?

I was born in the UK and spent a lot of time there, I lived there until about 7 years ago. I don’t get homesick as long as I stay busy. Luckily I live in a great country Sydney is an amazing place to be and I still get to work around the world. What do I miss? I don’t really miss anything, though I always enjoyed working in London and being surrounded by people who have the same passion, being in such a creative country. It’s amazing the work that comes out of there.

So you have it pretty good in Oz? Yeah I like it - I have three kids, we live 2 minutes from Bondi beach, ten minutes from work, it’s just easy. The

thought of getting across London every day with people trying to run you off the road… (shudders [audibly?])

Since moving to Australia have you noticed any differences between education between there and the UK? There are definite similarities – I’ve been involved out here in Australia – we have an internship program at Frost with flow of young talent coming in. I’ve always believed in doing that and some interns do end up working full time for us. The quality of design here is great - the world is smaller now with the internet so you find that the UK, US and Australian design is all good.

The one thing that seems to affect design the most is language, you find that Japanese design is very different.

Are you wearing pajamas?

Erm… yes. Sorry. You’ve had a well decorated career but the odd project has been less satisfying. How do you deal with being afraid to make mistakes? Are you still willing to try something out of your comfort zone?

It’s funny you ask that - we’re working on a new frost book and I was reading the one I did in 2006 and cringing at some of the fucking disasters in my career - I was telling it as it is and being too honest! I went there, it didn’t work, did that, it didn’t work, did this, it didn’t work, you know?

I’m definitely not risk averse, you take something on and know you’ll get through it and aim for perfection.

Sometimes it doesn’t work quite as you imagined but 90% of the time it does. When I went to work in Japan to do Japanese Vogue it was a very exciting, challenging and flawed process from the start, and I have no regrets because I learned from doing that, and also learned that I love Japan.

So anyway yeah I looked through (sorry trees) and started panicking at the things that fucked up but I think people don’t tend to talk about the things that haven’t worked out when often that’s when you learn the most.

You know though that whatever’s going on there’s going to be a tomorrow morning and you start to just enjoy the process.

You see a lot of people starting up straight from university in both design and illustration, what are your thoughts on that?

A computer and the internet allows you to work from anywhere and you don’t have to be a huge corporation to do great work. Having said that there’s no point sitting at home in your pajamas in front of a great computer if you have no connections. So whether you’re making those connections through another design agency or not, without that you’re in isolation and it will be difficult to be successful.

*Well, we used Skype. But we had to stay up very late on a schoolnight.

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drive and focus on what you want to do you’ll suddenly look back and think ‘fuck, I’m doing the work I was dreaming about.’ People ask me my dream job and I’m doing them every day.

When I was starting up I was doing little magazine projects and when they gained a bit of recognition people said ‘you’re so lucky you get to work on great briefs’.

What are you talking about? It’s up to you to turn it into a great project. Thinking ‘there’s not enough money in it so I’m just going to bash it out’ is dangerous. Every single project has potential. Everything you do leaves a trail and creates a reaction. The things you’re doing today have come in because of something someone has seen months, maybe even years before. That’s something I never thought about at university.

What did you think of the royal wedding? Are you a royalist?

If you look at the classic design and advertising work none of it was done by individuals but now the lines between photographer, illustrator and designer are completely blurred, and at the same time big companies are losing out to small ones whose marketing directors are seeing as doing ‘cool stuff’. Big agencies provide security in how a project is managed though which is where individuals may struggle, but someone could be sitting in the outback in a tent and designing the cover for New York Times magazine for example. It’s just about finding the opportunities.

He was out here, whatsisname. On the front cover of magazines and that. I’m glad he’s thinning as much as I am! You know what, my dad left for Canada in ‘66, he was really pissed off with the class system in the UK. It still feels like that a bit you know? I don’t like to be pigeonholed, humans are meant to be free, I don’t care what school someone went to. Australians have a very can-do attitude, that’s what I love about this country. It’s not held back by the old-school school tie feel, it feels like anything is possible, which is really exciting.

Check out Vince’s work at www.frostdesign.com.au.

How do you mean opportunities?

Well just imagine the tens of thousands of people in your one street alone. Just think about what they do, what their family does, there’s thousands of connections there.

I know if I’m at a conference or event and instead of sitting on a table with a glass of wine I go and talk to just three strangers, (I’m a bit shy so it’s difficult to make that first step, I usually need 2 glasses of wine!) something might come out of that. I was in a conference yesterday and a guy sat next to me was from Brighton where I was born. The woman next to him was from where I grew up in Vancouver. I was going to just sit there quietly but I never would have met these people.

What advice would you give to someone starting up?

Identity. Think of any design agency identity - they’re traditionally bland and minimal so as not to distract from the work, but with the momentum of social media, Facebook and stuff, your personal identity is increasingly important. So for someone new you have to to think hard about positioning yourself uniquely and establishing that personality. The amazing thing about design is that it’s so competitive but also so open, you can make yourself what you want to be and you can achieve your goals. If your goal is to meander along that’s fine but if you have

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Top left: Mark for Artonic, a non-profit organization that engages patients through contemporary art in healthcare facilities. Bottom left: Phaidon Press’ 1000-page book of Indian cookery.

Facing page: Frost’s award-winning Sydney Dance Company poster.

HISTORY This particularly species of pigeon was first discovered rummaging around the green recycling bins on the corner of St John’s road, by a lone drunken reveller d named Tim in the early hours of an overcast Sunday morning. Initially considere road, Harold of Hall Mr a by sighting, to be somewhat of a myth, it took a second to convince the local authority to release Tim from his forced enrolment in a drug until rehabilitation program. For a while the Pygmy sightings remained low. It wasn’t growth ial exponent an observed people that the famous council bin strikes of ’69 have rate in the Pygmy population, with today’s records indicating Pygmy numbers 1 . mouse now surpassed that of the Dalston door

1. Pygmy Pigeon voted most common animal in Junes edition of Asda Living magazine

DISTINGUISHING FEATURES With its relative isolation from other living things, this species of Pigeon has adapted remarkably to its localised environment. Living off a diet consisting of discarded peppermint chewing gum, the Pygmy Pigeons have evolved strong masticating jaws to help break down the gum, as well as developing an extra three stomachs to aid digestion. To combat the hazards of discarded fishing line and used dental floss the Pygmy Pigeon’s three toes have closed together to form a hoofed foot, thus stopping the onset of ‘gammy foot’, that has plagued pigeons since the dawn of time.

MATING HABITS No longer fearful of losing their toes the males of the species have taken on Magpie like qualities, rummaging out discarded ring pulls and other plastic objects, collecting them along the full length of their legs. The females are attracted to males who have managed to collect the most amount of rubbish on their legs, looking favourably on anything that has a strong chemical scent.

Unfortunately for the males the added weight of all this junk leaves them vulnerable to attack from larger predators.

GOOD EATING Due to the economic crash of ’83 and the abolition of Soylent Green, many of the Penge natives have resorted to supplementing their diets with the meat of the Pygmy Pigeon. Apart from a reported aftertaste of latex and Lidl’s own brand detergent powder, it is said to taste a lot like the arse of a chicken2.

2. As claimed by a Mr Nick McViolent of Cambridgeshire

OTHER NOTES As for what the future may hold for these marvellous unique creatures?

Scientists in New Cross have successfully charged smart phone batteries by cello taping them to the underbelly of the bird. Unsure as to what phenomenon has caused such ability within the creature; they have recently had the go ahead from a major British telephone operator to set up ‘charging pens’ at all the summer festivals. It is predicted they will soon be ubiquitous in the home and be as indispensible as the solar powered torch.

Words and artwork by Dan Hall, an Art Director at digital agency Collective London in Farringdon. Check out his brilliant culture blog at www.designerdan.co.uk

This article was not sponsored by Wrigley’s and is no way affiliated with their delicious and satisfying gum.

PLACEME WELCOME TO THE MYTHICAL WORLD OF

ENT MAN

About to graduate? No idea what to expect from a placement, or even how to get one? Do not fear, Placement Man is here to help you out.

If you’re reading this in bed, tin of cold baked beans in hand and Come Dine With Me on the telly, probably recovering from a night out where your housemate puked in their own pants and you put it on Instagram with a tilt shift so it looked like the bits of carrot were made out of plasticine, the last thing on your mind is going to be getting out into the world of work before you absolutely have to.

And why should you? All that grown-up stuff can wait. Even with mere months to go, placements and, heaven forbid, jobs, seem pretty far away. Yes, the final project deadlines are looming, you’ve nailed your ideas and your presentation at your degree show is going to kick some serious ass. That kind of work is understandable, it’s for your degree, but real life comes after a summer of festivals and bleary sunburnt mornings in mysterious beds. Probably.

Well here’s another thing to consider: gaining a bit of industry experience is going to seriously help you out when it comes to getting to the next bit of your life as a creative. As often as not, creative studios are a bit like Uni. Yes there’s plenty of cracking work going on, but you’ll also be taking part in a great social scene and meeting people who will be useful lifelong contacts. As well as that, you get to learn how an agency works, possibly gather some nice live portfolio work and get a taste of working with people (great) under people (challenging) and for client people (more challenging). To top it off, agencies

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Caption

often don’t advertise junior positions, instead preferring to find young talent through internships, so you may just get an offer. Luckily for you, we have just the man to help you out with the where, why and how of the placement game.

Placement Man, aka designer Jake Jennings, has so far successfully completed nine placements since graduating from his design degree at Plymouth University last year. Among his battles he can list such huge adversaries as Hattrick in London; Navyblue in Edinburgh; and even Pentagram New York. Along the way he’s accrued a comprehensive knowledge of how to find a placement, what to expect from it, how to make the most of it, and even convert it into a job offer (he’s had several).

Jake began networking before he left university, starting a Designers Society and holding events and lectures with speakers including Patrick Baglee (Navyblue) and Harry Pearce (Pentagram) for his contemporaries. However, it was a tour of 23 UK studios, portfolio in hand, that was to seal his first few placements, culminating in a month at Pentagram New York, after which he planned to settle down.

In the end, Jake explains, a combination of itchy feet and animalistic drive led him to carry on placement-hunting after returning from the US, something that he admits is often difficult to explain to people, the reasoning is that he still hasn’t worked out exactly what’s right for him. To be fair, it’s often hard to choose between a small or large agency, branding, packaging, print or digital without trying a couple out. Even hating an experience means you can cross one off the list.

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It can also be daunting looking for placements, especially at the top agencies, but through Jake’s technique – a mixture of perseverance, charm and cojones – should see you through. (Though don’t carpet-bomb CVs – it’s easier to spot than you would think.) Jake says he has gained placements through email, face-to-face meetings and even Twitter, and would advise anyone else to do the same. Most importantly, he adds, don’t be disheartened if a company does not or cannot offer you a spot, just make sure you get their honest opinion on your work, even if it hurts. It will all help you to improve it for the future.

If a studio does offer you a placement but can’t offer payment, don’t necessarily turn it down – one of Jake’s favourite placements, Navyblue Edinburgh, were honest and after a difficult financial year said they couldn’t pay him but instead offered him the chance to work on a variety of live briefs which led to his work being shown to the client. However, beware of studios taking the piss, because some will (one studio had interns booked solidly for the six months after Jake, begging the question ‘Is this just free labour?’)

Some studios will also offer better work than others – with everything from being treated as an “artworker” to meeting clients and being fully involved creatively. Be prepared to make tea and suck it up (not the tea) if some of your work doesn’t seem overly stimulating. Studios often have peaks and troughs of exciting work anyway, but try to stay enthusiastic, make the most of what you’re given and become invaluable in any way you can (people still request the “Jake special tea” at one company he now freelances at having previously been an intern). The creative world is a small one, you never know who you’ll meet again.

But I had to ask, why spend 18 months bed-hopping round some pretty ropey sounding hostels and B&Bs, living out of a suitcase and having to relearn people’s names every other month? Well, despite those things the experience has been overwhelmingly positive, Jake says. There’s no doubt he’s well equipped to start up a functioning studio (having clocked so many) or freelance with all the contacts he’s gained, but he remains set on working full time in a studio for a couple of years at least. The question is, will Placement Man ever hang up his cape in exchange for a salary?

Full page illustrations by Bora Demirbilek. Find more of his amazing work at www.blogobora.com.

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Catching Sleepers.

Subject: John Newton.

A photographic study by Chris Shearston Last year I watched a lecture by Oli Shaw, who spends his commute on the London Underground photographing ‘sleepers’. This is not just an occasional hobby, but a serious study into who sleeps where and why. Oli has a large photographic archive documenting how people protect their stuff, where they rest their head and how they hide the fact they are asleep.

John is a housemate of mine but more importantly, he is a sleeper. I have known John to fall asleep at parties, in clubs and on buses. With my subject chosen I went about my study. My first few shots were quite amateur, usually on public transport, not very creative. I knew that better situations would present themselves and so I persevered.

After the lecture I noticed an opportunity to take his research in a slightly different direction. Oli focuses on the sleep patterns of strangers across the whole of London, I wanted to focus on a specific subject to create an in depth study. I have been engaged in this for around 10 months now and although it is an ongoing process, I feel I can now show my findings so far.

To succeed in this study I would need to know the subject and spend considerable time with them, or I would be unable to capture the most natural sleeps. After some careful consideration the perfect candidate presented himself.

The first shot, which has become a classic – position #1.

My subject, John Newton

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Another perfect execution of position #1.

Again position #1 with a single extended arm.

Another position #2 – captured after a dinner party. John is dressed to leave, but sleep has gotten the better of him.

After a few shots it became apparent I needed some ground rules. Unlike Oli I could follow John anywhere, so needed to know where the line was. Sticking to the original concept I restricted my study to public or shared spaces. As such I could not go into his room and photograph him in his bed, but I could grab a shot of him asleep on the sofa.

At this point I had started to get into the swing of things. I now knew that alcohol drastically increased the chances of capturing a shot but this brought about its own problems, how do I remember to take a photo when I’m drunk too? How do I operate my camera when drunk?

After a few shots with my finger blocking the lens I discovered another classic position.

Position #2. John on the sofa in front of the TV. Position #3 – holding onto drink.

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Another classic execution of position #3, ready for the next sip.

As more people learned of my study I became inundated with requests to get involved. Not wanting to hand over the study to anyone else, I have built in another position, #4, the group shot.

In closing, I am sure there will be many more positions to come out of this study and I plan to continue. I am currently focusing on more arty shots, with interesting angles or backgrounds. Here is a very early example of this, which could potentially become position #5.

A considerably more refined example of position #4.

An early execution of position #4

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Chris Shearston is a designer and 2010 graduate of Stockport College.

Find him at www.textbookstudio.co.uk.

What at first glance could be position #1 has been drastically improved by the slow shutter speed blurring the scenery out of the window.

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National Portrait Gallery a poem by nathan jones

I am in the National Portrait Gallery and you have auburn hair.

This much is clear. Your hair is hair but you know how it affects me this particular hair.

In the atrium, your head is turned and auburn hair is running past beside that ordinary profile and dutiful, beautiful lips.

You have a blue coat on. It is like the girl who walks through Schindlers List with a red coat on.

You appear and disappear with immaculate timing.

My heart a wristwatch sinking in the sea.

You appear in this painting with a large nose, and in this one you are flaky and flat-chested.

Everywhere, you are poorly represented especially in the Renaissance room.

You have been proven by time more than any of these old pastries in only a few years, I think.

Years which have blazed by like bullets with roses on the end.

There you are. There you are. There you are.

Here your skin is at the point of vanishing into perfection, as yours does. Nice small nose, I think.

A good effort at you, really, and not without your charm.

You are a living girl wading on the edge of a dream.

A startled stillness made movement. In and out of the rooms, under that unmistakable shade of copper sway, you appear. Here, reflected in the corner of a painting I am looking at where a dog chews his bone.

There, smiling at one of a fat man in a silk hat.

Barely discernable breasts and hips, swollen light falling blurred at the edges, inside your coat.

Uncontrollable, I follow your back – your hands and hair flickering and sputtering in the light – into the Age of Invention.

You have seen me looking at you and you will be afraid. You would be. You were afraid of me always, until you discovered how kind I can be.

And I cannot go through that again. You go in the Tudors.

I turn into Early Twentieth Century to gather myself The walls are hiding and confusing.

My heart is a cracked heart in some alien room.

You appear again in the contemporary series of rooms.

Your movements are poor here, but from experience I know your body is a marine mammal inside that deep coat.

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The illustration on this and the previous spread was penned by Peter Bowen.

Check him out at www.peterbowen.co.uk.

I am feeling poetic, tired and hungry.

A surge of arrows sways along the channel your body fills with echoes and fallen red flowers, my love.

You are nervous of me now. I am afraid too.

Afraid to touch your shoulder and ask you about Velasquez.

Afraid, more than death, the gallery attendant will ask me to leave you alone.

Afraid to look again, but I do, because I love you, as you pass. Our lives are turned together so tightly you are around every next corner I turn, waiting and turning. And each time round you are a bit ruined.

I look again. Your nose is softened until it barely pierces the air.

I look again. You flinch and our shared experiences fall off.

I look again. I am reminded of the men who are caught masturbating under the gallery stairs.

These little balding bastards with their filthy retorts. .

You go through to the shop and linger by the postcards.

I decide I will never see you again (my scrotum grips, like a sea anemone as the shadow of a ship passes over it.)

A body, I admit, has been thrown from my ribcage falls through the reflection of flailing arms from another age and I will not hold you all lonely day. All lonely life.

I am thinking of the blossoms that appear on the chest and burst from the eye or the top of the head.

We are looking for something inside ourselves And all we get is eyes that follow us around the room.

Don’t you think so, Stranger?

The National Portrait Gallery is disappointing, I decide.

It is sunny outside, and you are a plain girl eating a sandwich on St Martins Lane. You have bought postcards of yourself.

You are at the end of all journeys.

Nathan Jones is sn experimental poet, producer and performer, as well as Creative Director of Liverpool agency Mercy.

Find him on twitter at @nathanmercy or online at alittlenathan.co.uk.

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PIRATE “Jonny, we’re going to have to rip that light off the wall, it’s stopping me from sleeping” said Rob, moaning to Jonny, his bunk mate, in the only disabled room at the Etap Hotel, Leeds. The boys were far from home.

Like a dishevelled version of the apprentice, we arrived in Leeds in May for what the papers were billing as “The night to end all nights”, “Just what Leeds has been waiting for...” and “Probably won’t be as good as Goldie”. This was the monster collaboration between Diesel’s School of Island Life and ShellsuitZombie. And what with this

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being the proverbial first date with the mega-brand, we were keen to take it slow, under-promise and over deliver.

All was going to plan until we decided to DOALIVETV SHOWONTHEINTERNETFROMSCRATCHWITHNO EXPERIENCE IN LIVE BROADCAST AND ONLY THREE WEEKS TO PLAN IT. So, joined by 30 or so brave, supple things, three and a half video lights, a ridiculously expensive camera, some panda pops, a two litre bottle of the worst vodka you’ve ever tasted and a five-kilo bag of giant jelly snakes, we

Top left: Harry trying to get one camera to work while James takes pictures with another one.

Bottom left: announcing the running order. Not convinced anyone was listening.

RADIO descended on Project Space Leeds to make it happen.

This was Pirate Radio, with only four hours until we went live, we had no set, no content and no ideas. But it seems like our Panda pop binge made the magic happen, by 9.27 were ready to roll, the set was dressed, our costumes sewn and the eyes we’re attached to the pineapple shaped biscuit barrel, we couldn’t help but succeed.

Watched by literally tens of people, the show was a dazzling display of e-number fuelled success, proving that anything is possible with guile, wit and a 50m

ethernet cable. There were quizzes, live QVC style island shopping channels and Tom Hanks definitely took his relationship with Wilson to the next level. And you’d be able to watch it all again, had we remembered to press record.

If you want us to come and visit your locality and run a workshop of any kind (not necessarily a live TV show, we do other stuff, arguably better) we’re all ears. Lob an email to info@shellsuitzombie.co.uk for more information about the kind of stuff we do.

Palm trees and tiki torches adorned the walls of our studio space in Leeds. It was like a reet proper summer holiday.

All these well edgy photos by Adam Stockwell can also be seen on our facebook page: facebook.com/shellsuitzombie

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Our opening serenade of a single man with ukelele was somewhat marred by confused calls of ‘we haven’t got sound!’. It turned out we did have sound. Go figure.

The final moments of Wendy Weetabix Crying a single oaty tear, Wendy exclaimed "please don't eat me". But her protestations would not halt the relentless assault of Simon Spoon and his accomplice, Morris Mouth.

Together they mashed her body into a lifeless milky pulp.

She is survived by 47 brothers and sisters.

Grumples the cat This is Grumples McTank. He is the grumpiest-looking cat in the world, despite actually being quite happy.

He has feline AIDS and herpes, which suggests that during his years as a stray, he partied it up big style.

Eventually he went into sex rehab (otherwise known as the cat shelter) and now lives with Holly Brockwell, a copywriter, in her Islington flat. He still dabbles in catnip now and then, but mostly lives a quiet life sleeping and thinking about all the kittens he probably fathered and doesn’t have to pay maintenance for. It’s a good life being a moggy – even one with AIDS.

Yeah, a pretty random selection of stuff on this page. Feel free to cut one of them out and stick it on your fridge, but wait, not until you’ve done the wordsearch! Fuck, you nearly ruined it! Idiot.

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YEP, IT’S ANOTHER WORDSEARCH R M E E Y A I L E A E U C E A I G E I O C E I H Y U A M P U L G I A L T P Y H U

I L W H E E S I A L P Y R E G G U B C M

S A S O A U S T R A L I A I Y Y M G G I

T A E S H R D O T N E M E C A L P R A B

O K F R C H A I R Y L E G S G L N Y O G

AUSTRALIA BOOSH COPYWRITING EPITAPH FROST IDENTITY PLACEMENT PYGMY SLEEPERS

R N A S E O P P E A L L D H Y S C O I F

S I S L E E P E R S I R E A T C S N A R

T I L L P I C Y D A E V X M Y H L W I O

Y H T N S M I P W K E L I B R I M E D S

B A E S E L P M U R G S F L S N E E T T

T A I P E O A T O S I E L E O U I T T A

BARRETT BUGGERY DEMIRBILEK FIXEDGEAR GRUMPLES OLIVIA ROSE PORTMAN SHAMBLETON STALKING

M N L E R P L I D E N T I T Y P E A G L

G R D T F I L L I T S S I O O R H B O K

L E M R I N Z E O A L A C N R A E I M I

B A R I G C R E I B R R E A G C O X S N

N G A A A O H W P T P T B L A W S B H G

BOLLO CARP DIESEL FREESPEECH HAIRYLEGS PISSING PORTRAIT SINCLAIR WEETABIX

Once again the six extra hidden words will reveal a big prize and tell you how to claim it. That’s bloody exciting that is.

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N P T S A A A F R E E H U G P S E O S E

G I N T A E E O R L S O I C E H R B I I

O I S E Z E P S P I E I F B L U O O A T

All cover artowork (and the poster) is by Noel Fielding.

STUFF AND TINGS Cheers pals: Thank you once again to all contributors to this magazine. You’re still doing it for free and for the love, it will be paid back royally in Valhalla, we’re sure of it. Your words and pictures are what make the magazine half decent, so for that we are eternally grateful.

A very special thanks go to Dave Brown who valiantly stepped into the breach last minute and pretty much saved the day. You will always have a special place in our hearts and DVD collections.

Thanks once again to Martin Lett and Nick Bennett at The Marstan Press who have come through despite endless requotes and queries. If this is in your hands and made out of paper, it’s them you have to thank.

Thanks to Noel, you know not what you have done.

For those interested A big w00t w00t must go to everyone who has proof-read, made tea, been patient on the end of a phone, helped at the launch or just acted interested. We love you (sometimes literally).

And finally, you readers. Bloody hell, you’ve stuck with us for two issues now.

That’s a lifetime nowadays. Tell your mates so we can afford to make issue 3.

Get in Touch Editorial /Submissions submit@shellsuitzombie.co.uk Letters/Rage stuff@shellsuitzombie.co.uk Ads/Sponsorship jonny@shellsuitzombie.co.uk

This magazine was printed on Premier offset uncoated paper predominantly using the typefaces PMN Caecilia, Benguiat and Courier Sans with a few others beginning with the letter A (Aachen, AK12, Adobe Caslon) thrown in too. You’re still losers, losers.

This edition was brought to you by ShellsuitZombie, powered by a recent discovery of the soundcloud app (yeah last ones to the party), valour in the face of suspect sausages, a reliance on the patience of girlfriends and the hope of a glorious British summer. Bring on the wall and release the Kraken. Amen.

Contributions remain © their originators.

All other content © ShellsuitZombie 2011.

www.shellsuitzombie.co.uk

Issue #2: The Mighty Boosh

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