Domestic Violence Dynamics

Understanding Domestic Violence Dynamics Why don't victims just leave their abusive relationship?

Dependency Victims of domestic abuse may feel dependent on their abuser. Their abuser may control the finances, own the home, or hold custody of shared children. In these types of situations, victims may feel as though they cannot support themselves (or their children) without their abuser.

Fear Statistically, a victim is in the most danger when they are trying to leave, or have left, an abuser. Victims may be afraid of what the abuser will do to them, their children, their pets, or their possessions if they try to leave, so they remain in the abusive relationship instead.

Lack of Support Some victims may feel as though they don't have a strong support system around them to help them leave an abusive relationship. Their abuser may have isolated them from friends or family, and they may have no one to turn to, or nowhere to go, if they leave.

Manipulation Abusers often manipulate their victims into believing that the abuse isn't that bad, that no one will believe them, or that they are somehow at fault. Typical abuse patterns include gaslighting, blaming, or invalidating victim's experiences, manipulating them into worrying that they will not be taken seriously or supported if they leave the relationship.

WomenAgainstCrime.com; DomesticViolence.org

Why do victims return to abusers?

Domestic violence is all about power and control, and often an abuser will do everything they can to prevent their partner from leaving - manipulating them into believing they will change their abusive behaviors, being kind and affectionate following abuse in order to trick their partner into thinking it won't happen again, gaslighting their partner into believing they are not even being abused.

Sometimes these tactics happen in cycles that confuse and manipulate the survivor. They may be in love with their abuser and want them to change, they may truly believe that the abuse isn't intentional, or they may not even be aware that what they're experiencing is abuse. This can continue even after a survivor has left the relationship, thus sometimes convincing a survivor to return to their abuser.

Sometimes necessity forces DV victims back to their partner as well. Even if they are able to leave the relationship, victims may find themselves without a home, job, finances, ability to support their children, etc. This can force them to return to their abuser as a means of security.

The abuser may also make very real threats to the survivor's safety, their job, their family, their pets, or their children. Survivors might return to their abusers as a means of keeping themselves and their loved ones safe.

Whatever a survivor's reason for staying with their abuser, or returning to their abuser, they deserve empathy, compassion, and support. Survivors must be empowered to seek refuge, hope, and healing at their own pace when they feel ready.

WomenAgainstCrime.com; DomesticViolence.org

Shelterhouse offers free, confidential, and compassionate help whenever you're ready.

You are not alone.

Call: 877-216-6383 Text: 989-200-5122