BECAUSE I SAID SO...
AIM FOR THE TURKEY WRITTEN BY JULIE BURTON / PHOTO BY JAMI BOWMAN
No! There’s no need for that. It’s a Hallmark holiday. Wooing consists of a mass-produced “I love you” card and a dozen overpriced flowers. Do not cave for this, ladies! Not in February. Have your way with men in … oh I don’t know—July. Show ’em some real fireworks!
Jimi Hendrix, Caroline Kennedy and Bruce Lee. … Fine. And Jaleel White—also known as Steve Urkel. You know what they all have in common? November 27th. They all share a birthday with me. I know we can’t choose our birthdays, but is it really necessary to celebrate Valentine’s Day? Is it really necessary?
But if you are a romantic and you get struck by Cupid, then you’d better double up on birth control because you risk conceiving a child with a Thanksgiving birthday. My mom and dad let Cupid take aim and fire. Any child born between Nov. 22 and Nov. 28 will eventually have a Thanksgiving birthday. If not on the day, the birthday will get gobbled up by Thanksgiving week and forgotten. Thanksgiving birthdays are decided for you. It doesn’t matter if you’re turning four, 41 or 81 because Thanksgiving birthdays are always the same. • Turkey and mashed potatoes. That’s your birthday dinner. You don’t get a choice where to eat because every restaurant is closed. • You can’t celebrate how most people celebrate birthdays. Brunch, pedicures, and shopping with girlfriends? Closed. It’s all closed! Sure, you could celebrate with all the shopping you want on Black Friday but you risk getting trampled to death at 5 am. And that would just suck to have a matching birth and death day on your headstone. • Birthday lunch with friends? Forget it. They’re with their own families.
• A Facebook serenade of “Happy birthday!” on your feed? Nope. It’s considered rude to look at your phone at the dinner table. Your long-lost high school science partner will never even know it’s your birthday. • Everyone naps on Thanksgiving. Wake up. I said wake up, it’s my birthday! • Families get together for Thanksgiving. I cannot deny that it is special to be able to see out-of-town relatives. “Happy Thanksgiving” and hugs are given all around. It’s awkward staring at each person, waiting to see if they have anything else to say. I mean, I’m right here. • Some years, Thanksgiving birthdays are not with your own family. Some years you’re forced to spend your birthday with the in-laws. I don’t have those anymore so now it’s just Thanksgiving alone, which is far worse. • Thanksgiving is included in “the holidays.” Oh, that’s your Christmas present too. • When the pies are brought out for dessert, you pray one of them does not have candles on it. There is no substitute for birthday cake. I know. I do exist. I can’t complain about the day I was born so thank you for making me, Mom and Dad. It’s just not my choice day to pop out of the womb. This is all Cupid’s fault—Aim for the turkey, you flying baby! Just say no to celebrating Valentine’s Day.
Julie Burton is an Overland Park mom, writer, K-State lover, and bacon-hater. She is a blogger and contributing author to the humor book, But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low. Burton’s also been named one of the Today Show’s “funniest parents.” And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop her as a friend. Follow Julie at: julieburton.blog • facebook.com/julieburtonwriter • twitter.com/ksujulie • instagram.com/ksujulie
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SIMPLYkc MAGAZINE
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NOVEMBER 2022
