BECAUSE I SAID SO...
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST WRITTEN BY JULIE BURTON / PHOTO BY JAMI BOWMAN
I knew at a young age that it was mandatory to hug Grandma when I arrived at her house for the family Christmas. I learned to finish my plate before throwing it away and always offered to help clean the kitchen. I also learned never to listen to what my uncle had to say, and to always cover my eyes when my aunt started taking her top off.
The Ghost of Christmas Past has been laughing at my dad’s side of the family for over 35 Christmases. And I realized at one point, if I wrote down what the family said, it made for a good keepsake. Merry Christmas and peace be with you ... and I’m so sorry. “ There’s a 45 second over/under for when Grandma will start crying during her blessing. You in?” “ Wait, why is Grandma giving my unborn baby a gift? Does she think she’ll be dead next year?” “ I don’t know where it went but I just spit out my food.” “This baby likes beer.” “No, she doesn’t.” “Yeah, she does. I have pictures.” “ Did you remember to talk to Grandma when you got here?” “ Yes, Mom. We had a big dialogue about the spirit of Christmas and what it means to each of us.”
“ Kids! You have a 30-second timeframe to say thank you to Grandma. You open, you say thank you, you sit down. Do you want to be here until midnight? How many kids are there? Can this family stop reproducing ourselves so much?” “ Watch this. I’m going to throw this ball at your uncle’s head. You try! Aim for the bald spot.” “Ugh! Hurry up!” “ What’s wrong? You just gotta drink more during these types of things. Haven’t you learned this by now?” “ Well, someone needs to go help Grandma. She can’t wipe herself on that toilet. There’s no handrail. She’s going to fall off. Someone needs to go in there.” “No! Wait. You can’t trade white elephant gifts!” “Yes, we can!” “ Only one is dead. You can’t trade the other one right in front of us.” “Okay. We’ll go trade in the driveway.” “Whose kid am I holding?”
“ Hey get away from Grandma, you suckup! You’re not even married into the family yet.”
“Turn the TV off!”
“ Sweet hubby of mine, will you get me an ice water?”
“ It’s so old I don’t even know how. Every time I come over to Grandma’s, I feel like I’m stepping back in time.”
“You do know that people in hell want ice water.” “ Look! Grandma is smiling with her arms around the two lesbians.” “ Good for her. There ain’t any men her age around anymore.”
“ Look at that whole side of the room with their shirts over their noses.” “Is someone filming this?” “No, but someone is writing this down.”
Julie Burton is an Overland Park mom, writer, K-State lover, and bacon-hater. She is a blogger and contributing author to the humor book, But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low. Burton’s also been named one of the Today Show’s “funniest parents.” And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop her as a friend. Follow Julie at: julieburton.blog • facebook.com/julieburtonwriter • twitter.com/ksujulie • instagram.com/ksujulie
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SIMPLYkc MAGAZINE
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DECEMBER 2021
