BECAUSE I SAID SO

My daughters share the same birthday month of May. This year, I’ll have a new teenager and a sweet sixteen-er. I will

officially have two teens this month, which is funny because I was just a teenager like 10 years ago.

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

WRITTEN BY JULIE BURTON / PHOTO BY JAMI BOWMAN

Okay it was 24 years ago, but the fiery teenage angst still burns inside me. It really wasn’t that long ago when my parents were the worst parents ever. But I knew how to outsmart them because I was smarter, and they were old.

I distinctly remember watching my crush’s girlfriend’s pregnant stomach get a little bigger every day. I was half sad and half relieved his feelings weren’t mutual. I remember my sophomore English teacher who not only wrote F on my midterm for my parents to sign but he also wrote “F(ailing)” as if my parents didn’t know what an F meant. Look at me now, teacher!

That was years ago, though. It’s May 2022 and I am the parent of teenagers. I am the one getting angry at F(ailing) grades, educating my daughters about birth control, and oh, nice try: “I’m spending the night at my friend’s house after homecoming.” I know that trick.

As much angst that I held, I was a good kid. I got decent grades. I worked at a daycare after school. I never drank alcohol or did drugs. I never smoked a cigarette during the ‘90s grunge phase. I think most of the good kid in me was due to unpopularity and trying to stay the invisible wallflower. I thought by the time I was old and had teenagers, I would be the coolest mom. I’d understand them.

Well, I’m old now.

This is the moment I imagined so long ago—I have teenage kids. I wouldn’t be writing this article if I figured out how to parent them. I am not the cool mom. I’m the worst mom ever, actually. Sometimes my kids tell me so. Sometimes I tell myself. Sometimes Melissa in the comment section of Instagram tells me. Teenagers are not young adults. They’re really old kids who can drive and they make all decisions on pure hormones. I didn’t learn this until I grew up.

My 13-year-old and 16-year-old have navigated school during a pandemic. They practice lockdowns as much as tornado drills. And they have a virtual social life in the palm of their hands that never really turns off even when you tell them to turn it off. My teenage self had no idea what kind of world my future kids would live in.

There is a huge loss of control that comes with raising teenagers. You can’t control your teen. And even worse, you can’t control your teen’s friends or even their friend’s parents. Teenagers know this. Parents know this too. That part hasn’t changed in the 20 or so years.

Being a teenager is different in 2022, but I can still help them because, like most adults, it still feels like I’m a teenager too. I don’t know everything. I’m not a parenting expert. But I know this month starts the deep end of parenting. There’s no more “just you wait” coming from other parents. My kids and I will teach each other how to be a parent and how to be a teen in 2022.

Happy birthday, Emma and Kate!

Julie Burton is an Overland Park mom, writer, K-State lover, and bacon-hater. She is a blogger and contributing author to the humor book, But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low. Burton’s also been named one of the Today Show’s “funniest parents.” And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop

her as a friend. Follow Julie at: julieburton.blog • facebook.com/julieburtonwriter • twitter.com/ksujulie • instagram.com/ksujulie