DEAR KACIE

DearKACIE

WORKIN’ WITH DARLIN’

I’ll just lay it out there, my boss called me “darlin’.” I don’t think this is something to run to HR about because I don’t think it was meant in a sexual way. He’s never hit on me (or others) that I know of. He’s very respectable in the office setting. But “darlin’?” No. Terms of endearment is fine for friends or family, but not in the office. It makes me feel like I’m inferior. What should I do?

Sweetheart. Darlin’. Love. Sugar. Hun.

I get it. The names aren’t particularly offensive on their own, but in the workplace they are. You are the boss of your body. You are also the boss of how you’re treated by men—and women—in the office. These terms of endearment are typically used in loving relationships, but when used by a male in a professional environment they become patronizing, undermining, and rude.

In my experience, terms of endearment are used by older men in positions of power when speaking to a younger, female coworker. And most of the time, I’m sure when questioned the man would say it’s a compliment with no malice behind it.

But you’re right. These terms make us inferior. They reduce women and silence us. They throw us into the role of the “nice girl,” or the “quiet girl.” So yeah—those terms are pretty loaded. I assume you didn’t do anything with the first offense. But if he does it again, tell him you’d prefer not to be called a term of endearment and be direct about it. Email works too. If it continues, that is when you file a complaint to HR.

In most cases, he just needs to be taught “darlin’” is not okay.

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