Skinnie Magazine Issue 100 by Skinnie Magazine

SKINNIEMAGAZINE.COM

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SKINNIEMAGAZINE.COM

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CONTENTS | MAY

2010

048

FEATURES] ___________________________ p.010

A Chat with Evan Seinfeld

p.012

The LA gang tours

p.016

take a vacation already!

p.020

Pedal to the metal w/ Chris Forsberg

p.022

skate or die! w/ Mike v.

p.024

Deftones Deliver a ‘Diamond’

p.028

clownin’ with Broken social scene

p.030

Strut With Little Boots

p.043

more metal than you - meet the sirens

p.048

the real wonder woman - olivia munn

p.052

REcapping This Year’s Coachella

p.054

from 1 to 100 - AHL nurtures the local scene

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EVERY ISSUE

Editor’s Letter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.006 The Skinnie / Hearsay . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.008 Accoutrements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.014 Destination . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.016 Action Sports Roundup . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.023

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SKINNIEMAGAZINE.COM

by Patrick Douglas

by Gretchen Meier

by Elysia McMahan

by Ramon Gonzales

by Gretchen Meier

by Alex Mendoza

by Elysia McMahan

by Alex Mendoza

by An Enthusiastic Skinnie Staff

by Alexis Amparan

by Ramon Gonzales

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For The Record . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.030 Under The Radar . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.032 Flicks / Keepin It Reel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.034 Video . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.036 Audio / Locals Only . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.038

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Video Games / Bits and Bytes . . . . . . . . p.040 Skinnie Scene . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.059 Happy Endings . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . p.072

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NOTHING LIKE A HARD DAY’S WORK So I can’t remember whether I was even legally old enough to work, but I know I took the job during the apex of my awkward teenage career. During that time I was buying tacky jewelry from the counter at JCPenny to impress a girl in class I liked. Not the smartest thing for a Jr. High School kid to do with his pocket change. Not to mention, I wanted more than anything to look/dress/talk like the Puerto Rican dude from New York Undercover (remember that show?), so buying hiphop name brands and expensive athletic shoes wasn’t something mom and dad were cool with doing. Getting a job was a must. Prior to taking on this first official gig, I was mowing lawns (great cliché eh?), washing cars, and sweeping up hair at my Aunt’s Salon. Old ladies, however sweet they might be, are unanimously shitty tippers by the way. “Mijo, I got you a job if you want it.” My mama is the kind of woman who would try and carry a fucking elephant if you told her she couldn’t do it, so she has always pushed me to just go for it. Before I could even ask a followup question, she says, “It starts Saturday morning. I’ll go with you, it’ll be fun.” Between the day I found out I was working on that fateful Saturday morning and actual clock-in time, I found out some vital information. One, I was going to be paid minimum wage (not bad for a kid). Two, my mom was not kidding, she was going to work side by side with me. Lastly, and most important, for eight hours I was going to spend my Saturday handing out food samples at a grocery store. You know those lovely people that bless you with tasty treats at Costco on Sunday…Yeah, that was me.

Saturday morning, bright and early, Mom was going a million miles an hour and I was nervous.We had to wear black slacks, a white dress shirt, and would eventually have to put on a black bowtie. We looked like a couple of lesbians at a high school formal. Brownies, little pizza bagels, taquitos, NOPE. Moms and I had to give out samples of SALAD DRESSING! We were supposed to hand passer-bys small shot glasses of salad dressing. Terrible planning. We made it work though. Mom had the great idea to cut up French bread and pair it with dressing. PROBLEM. While moms was cutting the bread, I go open bottle one, EXPLOSION. (Standing in white dress shirt covered in Italian salad dressing, mouth wide open in shock). After freaking out, dry heaving, and cleaning up, bottle two, EXPLOSION. This time, both mom and I are covered in salad dressing. We would find that the entire shipment we were supposed to sample had been recalled for “fermentation issues.” Not only did we still sample it for eight long hours, but eight long hours wreaking of herbs, spices, and vinegar. Since then, I have had my share of shitty jobs. From slanging pies to shredding documents for a shady/broke financial planner, punching a timecard was just a means to get a check. Not anymore. THANK YOU for helping Skinnie Magazine reach 100 issues. My job, our job, is to help bring a slice of entertainment to your day and there really is no way to express our gratitude for the opportunity to clock in everyday and do just that, or try to anyway. From our critics, to our supporters, few things ever reach 100 – thank you for allowing me to do something other than hand out terribly foul dressings. Keep It Hood,

Ramon Gonzales

PS - Mama, you’re the best partner I got. Happy Mother’s Day.

MAY 2010 J ISSUE #100 10184 Sixth St. Suite A Rancho Cucamonga, Ca. 91730 Ph. 909-476-0270 Fax 909-476-5931 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PUBLISHERS Chief Executive Officer

Jimmy Clinton

EDITORIAL Ramon Gonzales Contributing Writers Jasen T. Davis, Alex Mendoza, Eric Bonholtzer, Lexi Amparan, “Felix” Ulery, Kristie Bertucci, Patrick Douglas, Lacy Ottenson, Elysia McMahan, Melissa Fouler, Gretchen Meier Editor-In-Chief

For editorial submissions, email editorial@skinniemagazine.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ART & DESIGN Robb Sackett Vidal Diaz, Jason Bailey, Erik Faiivae

Art Director Contributing Staff

PHOTOGRAPHY Alan Rivera, Sean Myers, Joanna Miriam, Dave Gatson, Rick Mann, Karen Curley, Harmony Gerber, Edison Graff, Timothy Sheppard, Erik Faiivae, Mark Sacro, Michael Vincent, Christian Sosa Contributing Photographers

Sales & Marketing Sales/Marketing Director

Jason Zahler Sean Francis Liza Dalida, Ta’ Mara Aarin, TJ Avila, Aaron Amaya Andy Alexander, Leigh Ann St. Cyr, Julius Lopez, Antoinette Belton Entertainment Director

Advertising

For all sales inquiries email sales@skinniemagazine.com ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Administrative Aaron Amaya House Of Designs Amara Omeregie Contributing Staff Daniel Torres, Antoinette Belton, Ryan Mercer, Andy Valenzuela, Andrea Alvis, and Angelique Promotion Director Webmaster

online editor

FASHION Fashion Director

Michelle Ngo

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------SUBSCRIBERS If the post office alerts us that your magazine is undeliverable, we have no further obligation unless we receive a corrected address within two years. LEGAL DISCLAIMER The content in this magazine is for entertainment and intended for mature audiences only. Advertisers are responsible for their ads placed in the magazine. Skinnie Magazine is not responsible for any actions taken by their readers. We may occasionally use images placed in public domain. Sometimes, it is not possible to identify and/or contact the copyright holder, if you claim ownership of something we’ve published, we will gladly make a proper acknowledgement. Skinnie Magazine does not share opinions and/ or views stated by the writers and or photographers. Some of the content published may be of a mature nature; we do not, in any way, condone underage drinking or any other illegal activity. All submissions become property of Skinnie Magazine, be it text, photos, art, etc. Skinnie Entertainment Magazine All Rights Reserved. 2010

Cover Photo by: Hama Sanders

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FOREPLAY

HEARSAY

words by Alexis Amparan

There’s a food shortage in England! Queen Elizabeth’s preferred grocer, Waitrose, published a rhubarb pie recipe on their website and before the week was out…THEY RAN OUT OF RHUBARB! After selling 12 weeks’ worth of the root in ONLY 4 days rhubarb farmers waved the white flag. Ireland had their potato famine and now England can remember the Rhubarb Famine of 2010.

Needle in a hay stack… In Terrence and Phillip’s homeland (Canada) two brothers, separately adopted at birth, have FINALLY been reunited after nearly 3 decades. One brother began the monumental task of finding his sib for medical reasons and after tireless searching located him. The reunion was conducted one block away from his home, where his long lost brother had been living for 7 months. Insert canned laughter.

This episode is brought to you by the letters F and S

Human Sacrifice, Dogs And Cats Living Together... Mass Hysteria!

Apocalypse NOW. With the Iceland of animals, insects and plants on the South East volcano eruption under the glacier with Asian island of Borneo as part of their Earth the unpronounceable name (Eyjafjallajokull) Day campaign, including a slug that shoot “love and the close of the majority of European darts” to help insure successful reproduction airspace for almost an entire week, the crisis with his female of choice. A killer fungus affected 1.2 million passengers a day and 29 that has proved lethal in 25 percent of cases percent of all global aviation, according to has been found in the Pacific Northwest and the International Air Transport Association. resulted in the deaths of humans, cats, dogs, Another smoldering pile of shit involves the and dolphins. Researchers have also found a endless accusations of child molestation against possible vaccine for nicotine that has proved the Catholic Church. Hitting closer to Socal, successful in initial clinical trials. NicVAX will an unidentified Mexican be sent to the FDA resident alleges that for approval in late Los Angeles Cardinal 2011. After declaring Roger Mahony and the construction of Mexico City Cardinal 1,600 housing units in Norberto Rivera knew East Jerusalem back in priest Nicholas Aguilar March, the Israeli prime Rivera had molested minister, Benjamin children, but continued Netanyahu, has to shuffle him across emphasized that there parishes. An Illinois will be no freeze on the man has also named project. Opposed by Pope Benedict XVI as both Palestinians and a defendant in a suit the United States, the Is It Better To Have Loved And Lost? demanding the Vatican two sides continue to release the names of priests accused of abuse. find it difficult to make enough concessions to The suit holds that the pope “has known about resume talks. Britain hosted it first electoral the widespread problem of childhood sexual debates among the three candidates for prime abuse committed by its clergy for centuries, minister. Ever. Really? Over fifty earthquakes but has covered up that abuse and thereby over 4.0 have hit the Baja California border in perpetuated the abuse.” Slugs have now bought the past month. Priests are touching children, into the Viagra craze. The World Wildlife Fund ice is on fire, and the earth keeps shaking announced the discovery of 123 new species around, maybe the world really is ending.

words by Gretchen Meier

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Shia LaBeouf doesn’t drink anymore because he can cuss like a sailor sober. When interviewed about his struggles with the suds LaBeouf said “I f’ed around…I always had a beer to get f’ed up.” In giving details about his 2008 DUI (a byproduct of an accident he didn’t cause) he said “this f’er ran a red light.” He gave up the booze because “drinking is sh’ty,” but he’s keeping the loose lips.

NJ’s got a trash problem, and this time it’s not on MTV Police were called to a residential neighborhood in Linden, NJ to investigate the remains of a man and a woman who had been cut up, bagged, and dumped on the streets. The bags sat on the street through the weekend because Good Friday interrupted regular pick up and by Monday a fly swarm of biblical proportions caused a neighbor to pick up the phone. Jesus, NJ!

Smooth criminal Remember September 2008 when the Fed gave AIG $182 billion to keep it from imploding and taking the GLOBAL financial system with it? Well, it turns out that the U.S. Justice Department is as forgiving as Jesus Christ and will likely not file criminal charges against Joseph Cassano, a former AIG executive. WHY? Because he didn’t lie about anything. Excuse me but I would like to dispute this $182 billion bill – manure shouldn’t cost that much.

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Foreplay

HEARSAY

CONTINUED...

VanGough’s “Starry Night” fed to pigs! After recreating the Dutch master’s - um – masterpiece in Malt-O-Meal, high school students in the proud, squarestate of Utah fed the replica to a local farmer’s pigs. Of course they did. What else would 150 Utah-ians do with 6,400 square feet of cereal?

Colonel Mustard, in his jail cell, with a cardboard toilet paper roll A nearly dead Colonel Williams was found in his cell next to a suicide note written in mustard in a Canadian detention center. The man is being held for the murder of two women. What was his choice for dispatch into the next world? Suffocation. The disgraced Colonel shoved tin foil and a toilet paper roll down his throat in hopes of avoiding trial. Yeesh!

informeR

Perks, Pitfalls, Polarization, and Porn Evan Seinfeld Believes In EVERYTHING He Does words by Patrick Douglas

When a webzine critic e-mailed Seinfeld to officially resign as a Biohazard fan because of his interest in making porn, Seinfeld was a bit perplexed. “I film porn with consenting adults (and provide) some jerk off material, make a few bucks and have a few laughs. Nobody’s fucking forcing you to watch my porn,” he said, recalling the incident. “What? Did I come to your house and put a gun to your head and force you to watch my dick on camera?” Most famous for being the frontman of Brooklyn hard core band Biohazard, Seinfeld pointed out the message of his band of more than 20 years. “He didn’t listen to our lyrics. Our songs are about ‘Live your life for you. Live and let live. Fuckin’ don’t judge other people. ” In addition to porn and tunes, Seinfeld also gained some attention for his roles on the small screen (“Oz” and VH1’s “Supergroup”). But Seinfeld isn’t a huge fan of society’s penchant for canonizing people just for being on TV. “When I was a kid, you were famous for being talented. Now...You can be the guy who sang really bad on ‘American Idol’ and someone will want your autograph,” he said. “I’m always disappointed when somebody’s like ‘Man, I loved you on that reality show.’ People are enamored with fame and celebrity.”

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In September of last year, Seinfeld parted ways with his wife, business partner and fellow porn star partner in crime, Tera Patrick. His new focus...New love, tiny 23-year-old adult film star Lupe Fuentes. At 4-foot-9, Seinfeld is optimistic about his fiancé as her web site (www.ilovelupe.com) becomes historically popular. “My band is older than my girlfriend, which is pretty fun. Lupe is, in my opinion, the most beautiful girl to ever get naked and take a picture. She’s absolutely stunning,” he said. “She garners more Internet traffic than any girl in the history of porn.” Seinfeld is working on a documentary in hopes of providing a never-before-seen inside look at the industry. “It’s an introspective look into the minds of porn stars,” he explained. “I’ve interviewed more than 150 girls and I’ve got some really compelling footage and some amazing interview stuff kind of answering the question, ‘Why porn?’” Whatever he is doing, Seinfeld explains it best, “I don’t wanna be in a movie I wouldn’t watch and I don’t wanna play in a band I wouldn’t listen to and I don’t wanna go about it in a way that I don’t respect because I’ve only got so much time on earth.” For more go to skinniemagazine.com

Show me the money An Indian woman kept her husband captive in their home for almost a year on the brink of starvation because he wouldn’t ask for a share of the family wealth. The man, who is disabled due to a motorcycle accident, was recovered by police in POW conditions. He says he wishes not to stay with his wife (shocker) and would rather return to his mother’s house. Finally, a 30 year old man we won’t criticize for being on the boob.

Smarty pants The Ritz, London’s £80 million sparkling jewel in the hotel industry, has finally capitulated. Forced, by modern fashion sense, to modify their staunch dress code they will now allow patrons to wear denim…to brunch…only…and it has to be “very, very smart.” So, now as soccer moms across the UK pull on their Lee jeans they can proudly proclaim that they are putting on The Ritz.

HEY, YOU, get out of my BOX You can officially go back to emailing dirty little emails from your corporate laptop. A woman in New Jersey sued her former employers for privacy infringement when they read emails from her work computer’s hard drive. The emails, written from a password protected account, were between her and her lawyer. The state Supreme Court upheld her argument. This is good news for all of us who are so efficient that we can work and email and Facebook for 8 hours a day. If it’s got a password, you’re protected, kinda.

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Foreplay

HEARSAY

CONTINUED...

Take these chains from my heart, and set me free A 12 year old girl was taken from her junior high in handcuffs and held at the school precinct. Como se dice, WHAT? What junior high has cuffs AND precincts? Junior High Schools in Queens. And what did this problem child do? She wrote something on her desk in invisible marker. Yo, New York, RELáJATE!

You shut your mouth when you are talking to me

informeR

The school of real life

Take A Tour Through LA’s Roughest Neighborhoods words by Gretchen Meier photo by: Wendy Carrillo

History? Check. Art? Check. Ceasefire agreement? Check. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Residents and tourists alike now have the unique opportunity to explore the South Central area from the safety of a bus.

in January, tour attendees will visit the Los Angeles County Jail, the birthplace of the Black Panther Party, the Pico Union Graff Lab (Graffiti Lab), the birthplace of the Crips and the Watts Arts Gallery, among other destinations.

Founded by Alfred Lomas, a former gang member himself, LA Gang Tours not only allows outsiders to explore regions formerly off-limits due to potential violence gang boundries, but serves two-fold as the tour creates jobs for the residents of South Central, Los Angeles.

Lomas’ message? Don’t give up. The South Central native believes everyone is capable of change and hopes to enable those who want to make a difference in their own lives as well as their community.

With the objective to generate work and spur economic growth in an area that seems to be in a constant economic recession, LA Gang Tours also provides job training for residents all while educating people from around the world about the origin and proliferation of gang life in Los Angeles. A cease-fire agreement among three of the largest, and most notorious, gangs in Los Angeles history, including the infamous Crips and Bloods, has allowed Lomas to develop the tour and allow visitors a glimpse into the forbidden. Also known as “gun fire free safety zones,” the gangs involved agreed to the cease-fire out of respect of Lomas’ goals to hire the local youth and the promise of entrepreneurship training. Occurring twice a month since the launch

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Los Angeles police captain Mark Olvera is quoted in praising the development of the tour commending Lomas’ work. “The goals (of the tour) are all positive, and he’s not trying to glorify gangs. Alfred’s main goal is ‘Let’s stop the gang violence.’ He wants to do the right thing. He’s the real deal.” Lomas has dedicated his life to the community he grew up in through his humanitarian work. Outside of the LA Gang Tours, he is the director of the mobile food truck ministry at the Los Angeles Dream Center and helps feed over 500 families a day. He has established food distribution sites in rival gang housing projects and focuses on low- income families in high-risk neighborhoods and high crime areas. For a complete interview with Alfred Lomas, please visit www.skinniemagazine.com.

This just in: crazy people are extremely sensitive and the people that treat them have no sense of humor. That’s the lesson the Whopper World learned when it was slammed by two mental-health organizations for their recent ad. In a commercial, the plastic headed Burger King breaks through a window pane to stop a woman from eating a plain sandwich and is stopped by two nurses who say he is crazy for selling his burgers at such a low price. Wow. Proof is in the backlash pudding.

Polaroid cameras saved from paperweight status Austrian business man/savior of the analog instant photography method, Florian Kaps, and former Polaroid engineer/co-savior, Andre Bosman, are currently in the production phase of instant film for your Polaroid camera. Their film, PX Silver Shade Films, will work with the recently defunct device for which Polaroid no longer makes film. We no longer have to eBay bid war for this essential product. Yes, I said essential.

Where has Nancy Kerrigan’s gummy smile gone? The hits - just – keep – coming for our American hero Nancy Kerrigan. Nancy’s brother, Mark, was charged with manslaughter in the death of their father, Daniel. Police were called to intervene with the domestic ruff between the two which left the father with a broken larynx. Daniel later died of cardiac dysrhythmia which is blamed on the struggle between him and “obviously intoxicated” Mark. Mark told police on sight that his father was “faking it.” Really? How ‘bout now?

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ACCOUTREMENTS 2

Toys

go on and treat yourself If You Haven’t Blown Your Tax Refund Already. 1 TeNo Square

Champagne Dial Watch

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Deck Phone Dock

$595

No more adaptors, wires, or switching phones. Functioning as both a charging dock and a fully functioning stationary phone, this latest addition to the iPhone accessory line allows you to lock in your phone and communicate conveniently. Remember that clunky phone sitting on your desk, conferencing will likely get more stylish now as the prototype to the new office phone has been revealed. TBA

www.teno.com

deskphonedock.com

Stainless steel jewelry might not have the kind of refined ring of the other more precious metals, but rest assured TeNo has assembled a collection of jewelry that is nothing less than elegant. Crafting timeless designs for both men and women, the price tag is a realistic bargain for the kind of keepsake TeNo produces. Remember, May is for Mothers.

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Harlem Liqueur

JVC kw-nt3hdt Nav System

Wesc Alp Horn DJ Square Headphones

The perfect match with your favorite energy drink, a new liqueur has invaded the nightlife ranks. From the same folks who packaged the high end vodka Ketel One, this smooth blend of fresh herbs and spices with a hint of mandarin also has a stonger kick than similar brands with 40% ABV, for the simple folks, that’s 80 proof. More bomb for the buck. Make an H-Bomb!

JVC has unleashed the behemoth of navigational systems. HD Radio, iTunes Tagging, built-in Bluetooth wireless technology, high-sensitivity WAAS enabled GPS, and video playback make this unit the most advanced all-inone component on store shelves. The user-friendly design ensures you won’t get lost figuring out its countless capabilities.

These are simply fresh, in every way possible. For DJ’s the technical specs on these are up to par with 1kHz sensitivity: 113.50 dB and 40mm power drivers. For the rest of us, these sound as good as they look. Part of Wesc’s new 2010 summer line, the square design might is just as comfortable as traditional headphones, but ensure you look better.

$19.99

$1,199.95

$125

www.harlemshots.com

www.jvc.com

www.wesc.com

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PASSPORT

destination

Koror - The Republic Of Palau The Paradise Of The Pacific Explore Koror, The Republic of Palau, located in the tropical pacific. Behold this 400-mile long stretch of archipelago “The Black Islands”; with blue waters that shimmer like stardust. Following its independence from rule by the Empire of Japan, Koror is one of the worlds youngest and smallest sovereign states once considered U.S. territory until recently and contains 11 hamlets. Located between Papua New Guinea, The Philippines and Guam, this location is Micronesia’s westernmost island sequence which offers grand natural beauty, integral culture,

unscathed wilderness and remoteness unlike any other. Besides this location being the main commercial center, it also harbors one of the most exceptional concentrations of fish, coral and other marine life which make for supreme diving and snorkeling conditions. Being that this is the heart of the island, it is the busiest center. With all kinds of assorted commodities, resort facilities, restaurants, and gift shops, this is the spot where the majority of trekkers post up.

words by Elysia McMahan

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A Place Most Can Only Dream Of As one of the only current marine lakes in Palau open to tourists, Jellyfish Lake sways away from convention. It is one of the most famous dive (snorkeling only) sites. The lake is adequately cut off from the rest of the island and its conditions have allowed for evolution to take place here and bring about a diversity unseen in other nearby lagoons or even in the world. This magnificent enclosed body of water contains millions of moon and golden jellyfish that have entirely lost their sting due to not having to fight

off any predators. They simply migrate horizontally across the lake doing a sort of dance for spectators to witness. Tourists require a pass to gain access to Jellyfish Lake and the Rock Islands. It costs $35 and is good for a whole 10 days. These audacious and unusual phenomena make for a popular stop during a stay on the islands. Several tour operators offer trips to this lake, which is approximately a 45 minute boat ride from Koror. You can reach this extraordinary body of water by taking a short trail from the beach on Eil Malk. Where else would you be able to be swim with countless jellyfish swarming around you without being stung? C’mon…this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Throw caution to the wind.

A Scuba Diver’s Dream Many recreational diving publications associate Palau with being one of the top ten dive destinations on Earth. With its crystal clear cerulean waters, flourishing reefs, and copious marine life, this is truly a diving Mecca. Some of the top dive sites include: Blue Corner (a place of legend that actually lives up to the rumors) and Ngemelis Wall aka the Big Dropoff (praised by Jacques Cousteau’s as one of his favorite wall dives). Siaes Tunnel, which is a vast underwater cavern, is where white-tip reef sharks are frequent visitors and Chandelier Cave contains numerous underwater chambers filled with stalactites. Palau’s coral reefs house more than 1,500 species of fish and 700 species of coral and sea anemones. The native marine life is plentiful and varies from butterfly fish, barracudas, reef sharks, green turtles, as well as manta and eagle rays that endlessly haunt the channels. Also available to experience are coral gardens and plunging sea walls. Some very bloody battles between the Japanese and U.S were fought in this area and the remains of WWII ships and airplanes

can be found in their waters. Many shore based dive guides and several live-aboard dive boats are available in the area for your convenience.You should test out the waters with Fish-N-Fins for a reliable, tasteful, and wonderful diving experience. Just keep in mind that it will most likely take you about a week to see and enjoy all the extravagance within this luscious paradise. So, make sure to discard all sense of time and just simply treat yourself to this ocean haven.

unpolluted powder-white sand beaches, top-notch restaurants and swimming pools. Island navigators (English, Chinese & Japanese speaking) will show you all the thrilling ways to experience the adventure of a lifetime in Palau. Many restaurants in the area offer an assorted mix of cuisine. Fresh local seafood is the climax of several menus and there are many out of the ordinary local dishes in addition to the everpresent pizza or traditional American, Chinese or Japanese provisions.

Seeing the Sights As it is known, the central source of revenue for the republic is, of course, tourism. Koror is an ideal starting point considering it is one of the main resorts and the only place for locals all over the island and travelers to do business and shop. Koror has

There are a wide range of activities to take part in, both above and beneath the crystalline waves. Take a journey around Palau’s largest island, Babeldaob, which will present you with a myriad of soaring mountains, sand dunes and freshwater lakes. If you

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PASSPORT

are an adventure seeker or nature lover, here is where you’ll discover hiking trails and out-of-the-way waterfalls in the midst of a verdant jungle. Along the perimeter of this opaque environment, some Palauan villages still exist. The Palau National Museum holds more than 1,000 historic remnants of the island’s cultural history; including traditional weapons and shell money. When visiting the island of Peleliu (U.S. National Historic Landmark), which forms the southern boundary of the Rock Islands, you’ll find abandoned tanks, bomb casings and helmets scattered throughout the island. Besides all the beaches, the key natural attraction is the Rock Islands, which are all located in the State. The mushroom-shaped islets are almost completely uninhabited and are situated in an outsized lagoon. Dolphins Pacific, the world’s largest and leading $2.5 million dollar dolphin research facility (in the middle of nowhere) is open for those interested in interacting and swimming with trained dolphins. Ranked as one of the undersea wonders of the world, it is a jewel of these islands. It is a non-profit corporation just minutes from Koror. The Ngardmau Waterfall is

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definitely worth hiking up to.The path to the waterfall within the deep forest will lead you through the Taki Nature Reserve with its teak trees, palms and meateating plants. Visitors may also come across the historical remains of the Japanese colonial times. Once reaching the waterfall you can unwind beside its amazing landscape and underneath its cool water, which is the cleanest in all of Palau. Aside from the sights there’s always snorkeling, sailing, fishing, and sea kayaking to take part in, in and around the picturesque Rock Islands.

Beyond the Haze of a Hard Night Although U.S. Currency is readily acceptable in these parts, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to go frittering it away on debauchery. Beer is moderately reasonable, chiefly Red Rooster (local beer) ranging from $2-3 in most places. You will ultimately find most of the nightlife in Malakal. Kramer’s Cafe is a respectable hot spot for a sunset happy hour. The Dropoff at Neco and Bottom Time at Sam’s are also great places for beer indulging sunsets and tasty bites. There are a few karaoke bars and pool halls in

Malakal and for dancing you are pretty much restricted to Port Area. Frankly, there isn’t much disorder to join in on due to the fact that most visitors happen to be divers or those in quest of a tranquil getaway.

The Living Eden There is something dreamlike about this idyllic place of sumptuousness. It seems as if nothing could disturb the peace of this pacific paradise. Lured by just the ocean alone, you may find yourself lost in the spell cast by its quiet, unrivaled beauty. Choose between luxury resorts, moderately priced bungalows or a place located in a more private and secluded atmosphere. Whether comfort, price or lifestyle is your consideration, Palau’s indescribable beauty will ensure that your experience is memorable. However, all this pristine glory and uniqueness doesn’t come cheap. If you can handle marching through airports and tolerate ass-numbing plane rides then you’re in luck! Did you really think visiting one of the most remarkable places in the world wouldn’t cost you? Just be sure to leave your narcotics and firearms behind. Once you’re there, the visions that illuminate your tainted eyes will leave you in awe.

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PEDAL TO THE METAL Another Day At The Office For Formula Drift Champ Chris Forsberg words by: Ramon Gonzales photos courtesy of: The ID Agency

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In the world of motorsports, the objective is usually a very simple one. Speed. The finish line is the Holy Grail and the quest to reach it is only complete when you are the first one. For the world of competitive DRIFT racing, while speed remains an important factor, the determining factor is that of skill, precision, and style. A calculated choreography of acceleration, shift, clutch, brake, and razor-sharp steering, turns horsepower into a veritable ballet of automobiles around a racetrack. A collection of “30 second bursts” comprise what would normally be a conventional race, as drivers manipulate their machines to essentially coast at unimaginable angles around bends just INCHES from the threat of concrete barriers. For the 2009 FORMULA DRIFT champion Chris Forsberg, his office remains his NISSAN 350z and the excitement, competition, and looming threat of the wall is all just part of a hard day’s work. Originating in Japan, Drift has since gone from a very stylized take on traditional racing, to an emerging discipline all its own. Forsberg explains just why the sport has ignited in recent years. “Drifting is its own form of motorsports. It takes the greatest aspects of racing and crams it into a 30-second blast, over and over again. It is the perfect sport for the new wave of the fast paced gotta-have-it-now mentality.” Since its stateside debut in 2004, Formula Drift has garnered mainstream sport recognition, largely due to the skill and showmanship of drivers like Chris Forsberg. “The sport obviously originated in Japan and has maintained its popularity there for over 20 years. However, I think that (Drift) has been received by the public in the states better than anywhere in the world. That is the reason why the

sport has gone so far in only a few years.” Major media coverage, the backing of corporate dollars in the form of hefty sponsorship deals, and a circuit that continues to increases attendance year after year, all but cements the future of the sport. Aside from the enticing opportunity to witness the occasional crash, Drift gives fans a chance to witness more than a field of competitors punch the throttle.

the track surfaces were good the crew set up for the shot. I took my first pass and didn’t hit. The director immediately reviewed the footage in slow motion to see how close I had gotten.You could see my bumper pass right underneath the bottle. I guess I should have mentioned to the crew that the suspension causes the car to squat when it is in drift. Anyway, they tilted both the bottle and the wall down a little for the second take and boom… we got it!”

Just how entertaining can this get? Aside from watching a field of cars peel out around every turn, Forsberg admits that collision is just something everyone naturally wants to see. “Who in their right mind has ever gone to a racing event and not hoped to see a wreck.With drifting, it is all about excitement so we are encouraged to scrape that rear bumper along the wall. And although we never intentionally try to hit our competitors, the occasional “love tap” is as inevitable as a big spin.”

As an ambassador for the sport, through his competitive drive and his genuine love for his career choice, Forsberg has not allowed his successes to segue into complacency. “People have raised their expectations of me this season but for me and my team, we feel the same as we always have. We treat each race like the one before and go for the win no matter what. As for how we placed in our first event, we got 10th. Of course we would have liked a better finish but hey, we finished 9th at Long Beach last year so you never know (also came out the Champion last year).” Guess you will have to get out to the track and see for yourself.

Recently, Chris Forsberg had the chance to showcase just how precise Drift drivers are required to be. In a viral video for NOS Energy Drink, one of Forsberg’s biggest sponsors, Chris gave viewers the chance to see just how close to the wall could get without slamming into concrete. The premise of the commercial was simple, mount a bottle of NOS Energy drink to the barriers and see if Forsberg could nail it with the tail end of his Nissan 350z. The result is a viral video that has become a sensation with not just motorsports fanatics, but with everyone who has gotten a chance to see it.The real kicker…the bottle meeting its destruction by the tail en of Forsberg’s car only took one take. “It’s a funny story actually… after I ripped the car around a bit to make sure it and

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FULL CONTACT

SKATE OR DIE For Mike Vallely, Nothing Could Be More True words by: Gretchen Meier photos by: Sean Cronan

Mike Vallely… the name is enough to stir emotions and turn heads. For over two decades, Mike V. has been synonymous with all things skateboarding. From his exploits in punk rock music, to his historic career on a skate deck, the real appeal of V almost always comes down to his undeniable tenacity in EVERYTHING and ANYTHING he is doing. Continuing to champion the lifestyle and art form of skateboarding, Mike V. remains a generational fixture, the personification of a subculture that has gone from obscurity to mainstream on a global scale during his career span. So what reflections does a man who has accomplished so much have about the life? If you speak to Mike for any more than a minute, you quickly figure Mike doesn’t look back much, he is too busy charging forward, just make sure not to refer to his performance on the ramp as a series of “tricks.” What drew you to skateboarding in the first place? I think it had a lot to do with punk rock actually when I was 14. Back then, skateboarding and punk rock went hand in and hand and the worlds just crossed over. It was a given that punker kids road skateboards. I was tired of the locker room mentality and team sports. I was a hyperactive kid. Skateboarding was the non-sport. It was still a physical activity, but it was something you did entirely on your own as an individual. So was it natural? I never saw myself that way, but I fell in love and put in the time. I wasn’t on a mission to become better. And your relationship with punk music? Did music and skating stay hand in hand? They stayed related. To me, punk rock was more of a spirit or an attitude than an actual scene. It was an individual pursuit, just like skateboarding. Both were aggressive and that’s what drew me to them. Punk rock always remained prominent in my life and I was able to articulate the spirit and attitude through my skating. I wouldn’t say I’m a punk rocker, but I would say I’m a skateboarder.

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ACTION SPORTS ROUNDUP

by Lacy Ottenson

SKIN INDUSTURIES LAUNCHES NEW IPHONE APP Skin Industries is one of the first in action sports brands to launch a downloadable application for iPhone, iTouch, and iPad users. The app will feature the ability to browse Skin’s current product lines, download Skin logos and backgrounds, and the latest Skin Babe photos, videos, and connect its users to company updates through all the usual social media websites.

DYRDEK, LIKE YOU DIDN’T KNOW, IS BALLIN’

What pushed you to take skating to the next level? Well we didn’t have skate parks or skate ramps, we just had the streets…Skateboarding was the ultimate expression. I pushed because that was what it was to me. I expressed skateboarding with all my being and it just had to go somewhere. I was ambitious and I put myself in the right places. I went to skating competitions where I was watching professionals as a spectator and then suddenly the professionals were spectators watching me. How has the world of skating changed since you started? Well it’s 26 years after the fact now. When I started, skateboarding wasn’t socially accepted. It was the radical thing to do. It was radical to have a mohawk. It was radical to wear purple pants and you were asking for trouble. Now as a skateboarder, you’re still kind of public enemy number one, but it’s an accepted activity. It might even be in the Olympics and it keeps taking on new forms. So has it lost its edge? Not necessarily edge because skateboarding is still it’s own culture really. It’s bled over to the mainstream, but people still get confused and can’t wrap their heads around it. I skate the way I skate and there’s an edge to that. I skate for the right reasons. When it becomes competitive, those aren’t the right reasons. I truly believe that skateboarding isn’t a sport, it’s an art form; it’s its own thing. How do you categorize skateboarding then? The best word for skateboarding is skateboarding. It’s about the individual and not about assigning or trying to categorize it. That’s just wrong. Well, why do you think you appeal to so many fans?

I don’t know. I guess because I don’t subscribe to anything in particular as a total identity. I’m just me. I do what I do and that resonates with a lot of skaters. I had a relationship with people in the 1980’s and those who are just starting out today. Do you think skateboarding can be used for good? If it’s something that children love to do, then of course. Skateboarding is never going to go away. I think it’s something that allows people to express themselves. It allows children to be physical, positive, and productive. In some ways, it’s a rite of passage. Skateboarding tests you and can even help you grow. Skateboarding can help you figure out who you are. Has your outlook on life changed since becoming a parent? Do you approach skating or living differently? Not really? Family is the most important and it comes first. I’m a father and husband first, but I’m also me and I’m a skateboarder. I don’t make apologies for who I am and it’s not something I try to reconcile. It is what it is. You were involved in an altercation when an unruly fan tried to take a hockey stick from your daughter at an Anaheim Ducks event. What was going through your head? The only thing that was going through my head was “This motherfucker is not gonna steal from my child and regardless of the consequences, I am not gonna allow this to happen.” I felt my actions were appropriate to how the situation was unfolding. What’s next for Mike V? You mentioned you weren’t trying to take over the world. I did? (Laughs) Just living and trying to live as intensified as possible and embrace life, just like always.

Rob Dyrdek was recently named one of the world’s richest pro skaterboarders and was featured in an interview with financial bible, Forbes.com. In the video interview, he discusses how it’s been his unique flair for marketing that got him as far as he has today, more than even his talent for skating. The dude bleeds enough green it makes others comapnies stained with it. Only then it’s called envy.

SHAUN WHITE, NOT DANCING WITH ANY STARS Pro-everything Shaun White has been reported to have turned down his invitation to do next season’s Dancing With the Stars, according to E! Online. According to them, White said during the Nickelodeon’s Kids Choice Awards that he didn’t think he was cut out for DWTS, but he also mentioned he had a lot of television offers and “wasn’t sure what he was going to do yet” and didn’t want to say. Although he did hint that a future in music may be a possibility saying, “I’ve been playing a lot of music. I got a guitar at 17 and have been playing ever since.” Sending shivers down the spines of guitarists everywhere…

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Bass & Treble

Get Your SHINE on Deftones Create Timeless, Stylized Aggression With Diamond Eyes Losing a brother, a friend and a bass player, the men of Deftones saw life come to a grinding halt when their fellow soldier Chi Cheng was horribly injured in a car accident in November of 2008. Left comatose, Cheng was clinging to life while the rest of his bandmates were trying to figure out if making music was all that important anymore.

The future was so cloudy that the group decided to shelve a record that was mostly complete at the time of the accident. The band still hasn’t released the tracks that make up “Eros,” and don’t plan on it. Not as long as Cheng remains in his ongoing state of semi-consciousness.

Words by Patrick Douglas

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“He’s progressing slowly but surely. He’s no longer at a hospital. He’s home with his family,” said Frank Delgado, the man behind the keys and samples in the group. “He’s basically in the same state (as just after the accident). There’s cycles of sleep, etcetera. It’s a slow thing. He’s basically trying to heal and all we’re trying to do is be positive about it.” An

update posted on his website, www.oneloveforchi. com, revealed that he recently grabbed his bed rail on his own and is showing signs of independent movement. It’s still a precarious situation for Cheng but an improvement from the days following the wreck. In the days and weeks after, everyone was simply left in a state of shock and confusion. “We were finishing the ‘Eros’ project. We were pretty much near the end of it and I think Chino had a few more lyrics to do on some songs and then the accident happened and we were stuck in limbo not knowing what to do. Our main concern was for Chi and his situation,” said Delgado. Former Quicksand bassist, Sergio Vega, knew his way around a Deftones jam after filling in for Cheng on a tour back in 1999. Knowing their brother would want them to keep going, the group decided to bring in Vega to temporary fill in for live shows.What happened next was completely organic, according to Delgado. “We called up our buddy Sergio.There wasn’t much talk of what we should do or what we think we should do,” he recalled. “We just kind of jammed basically because we hadn’t gotten together since

(’99). Kind of just put our heads into the music and we wrote a song that night when Sergio showed up and that’s when we said ‘Why don’t we see what we can do with this? Let’s take that energy and go to L.A. and hole ourselves up in a room somewhere and see what happens.’ There was no master plan. There was no nothing. We just wanted to go and see what came of it and in all reality, maybe we wrote a song or two and added it to what we already had and what ended up happening was we kept on writing and songs kept coming and six months later … we came back with a record. It was a fast, fun, creative process.” The result was “Diamond Eyes,” and one of the strongest Deftones records to come out in the past 10 years, if not the best they’ve ever constructed. A cohesive record of melodic moods and tempered aggression, “Diamond Eyes,” was the result of an approach that had no expectations and no rules. “We didn’t make an initial decision like ‘This is what we’re gonna do.’ It felt good and we rolled with it,” explained Delgado of the recording process for “Diamond Eyes.” “We took a chance on ourselves. It wasn’t like ‘We’re gonna shelve (‘Eros’) and make a new one.’ While we were making all this content,

new songs were coming. This is where we’re at. These new songs are very here and now with what’s happening right now and this is what we’re moving forward with. I think (Chi) would be very proud of it. I don’t dwell on the fact of what he would think or is it the right move. This is what we do. We decided to be creative and hopefully something good will come out of it and that’s exactly what happened.” The outpouring of support from artists like Korn, Head, Cypress Hill, P.O.D., and guys from System of a Down, just to name a few, helped provide much needed financial aid to Cheng’s family to help pay for the massive medical expenses accrued after the accident. Oneloveforchi.com reports nearly $90,000 in donations received from bands and fans alike, something that exemplifies just how respected Cheng is as an artist and human being. “It’s a beautiful thing,” says Delgado of the philanthropy. “It’s weird in this business. You cross a lot of paths and meet a lot of people. It’s a good feeling when people put their best foot forward for someone like Chi. I would expect nothing less. It’s definitely a good feeling.”

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BASS & Treble

Deftones formed over 20 years ago, in the ‘80s no less, when vocalist Chino Moreno, drummer Abe Cunningham and guitarist Stephen Carpenter decided to start jamming together in high school. Flash forward to 1994 and their debut release, “Adrenaline,” on Maverick Records. The album sold a quarter of a million copies in a short period of time (a feat that by itself would lead the pack in today’s stagnant sales market). It would eventually pass the one million mark. 1997’s “Around the Fur,” propelled the band onto some of the major tours like Ozzfest and Warped Tour. “White Pony” came with the beginning of a new millennium and did more than break platinum, it got the band its first Grammy. “Deftones” came out in 2003 and “Saturday Night Wrist” followed in 2006. All this amounts to is an affirmation that Deftones are a unique entity in the rock world. The band didn’t just bring the funk to rock and roll, they managed to make melody, terrifying screams, wicked drum rhythms and sampling all go together like it was a gift from the gods. Despite the impact, the band is humble when it comes to recognizing their valuable contributions to rock and roll. “It’s making certain decisions and trying different things and not being scared and pissing people off at times,” said Delgado of the band’s legacy so far. “There’s things that we’ve done that maybe haven’t worked for us and it’s a learning experience. Good

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friends, old friends, we have a lot of fun together and I think that’s it. It’s still fun. I think it shows on the records. Even in times when it’s been the shittiest, we’re still able to encompass a head space at that time. That’s pretty much what records are, capturing your head space at that time and what comes about it musically and I think when times have been tough, the records are usually a little more darker than the others. I definitely feel this record’s a little more uplifting and tries to be positive and it shows through.” In many ways, the legacy of uniqueness has created itself. By being so cutting edge and unwilling to conform to what people expected them to be in the beginning, Deftones have created a reputation of unpredictability. According to Delgado, it’s all by design. “We’ve always tried to push ourselves. It’s not like we’re trying to alienate anyone and go completely left field. Ever since ‘White Pony,’ where we took a chance on ourselves writing what we wanted to,” he said. “We’re in a business where a lot of people think you’re supposed to do certain things and sound a certain way and do things a certain way and we always have kind of stuck to our guns. Maybe that alienated a few people when we tried experimenting (but) it’s allowed it to be like ‘Ok, that’s the Deftones. That’s what they do. They kind of go off on their own little thing.’ People are starting to figure that out now.”

“Diamond Eyes” has potential to be an album in which other records are compared to instead of the other way around. Energetic songs like “CMND/CTRL,” “Risk,” “You’ve Seen the Butcher,” and “Diamond Eyes,” all strongly represent a new chapter in the band’s illustrious history. “It all moves really well together,” said Delgado of the new album. “Even before we put the song order together, I was listening to the songs on shuffle and it all worked. That’s how I knew it was a real cohesive piece. That had a lot to do with the time frame it was written in, the urgency it was written in, the speed it happened and the creativity that was pouring out. (I’m) very proud of it. We’re getting better at what we do and I think it shows o this record. I think it’s the best work to date.” As Cheng shows signs of slow recovery, Delgado remains optimistic about his friend’s future. “Chi’s been there a better part of my life, my adulthood, and always looking to the left of the stage he was there, or on the bus with you or spending a good amount of our lives together,” he said. “There’s nothing you can do other than be positive and hopeful and let him heal and hopefully rejoin us on stage again. Even if not, just to have his life back with his family and his kid. That’s the most important thing.”

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BASS & Treble

Broken Social Scene If You Think About It, Then You’re A Fool

words by: Elysia McMahan photo by: Dave Gillespie

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It is often said that greatness should not be flaunted and despite the success that Broken Social Scene has had a taste of, it is definitely something that has not gone to their heads.

we’re surrounded by a bunch of really top notch people. These people are overflowing with ideas all the time. You’re standing there playing music with them and you’re simply blown away.”

For several years, they have continually pronounced themselves as one of the essential voices within today’s unfettered music scene. With a seemingly endless amount of astounding talent spilling over the edge of the lofty cliffs they call home, their critically-acclaimed compositions have landed them on stages in front of sold-out crowds around the world, as well as reinforcing their position as one of Canada’s foremost harmonious exports. Motivated by nothing short of untainted love, devotion and compromising only for the greater good, this paradoxical venture, as portrayed in an interview with Andrew Whiteman, has left them gratefully triumphant. This is an entire group of individuals, friends and (seldom) lovers alike that have set themselves into motion and impacted the world outside of just their native land.

If you’ve been a long-time enthusiast of this ingenious assembly of musical architects, the wait for something contemporary is over. You should know that they are prone to breaking convention as well as sound barriers and in such a time where society expects immediate results and instant gratification Forgiveness Rock Record compels you to step back from that lifestyle and thoroughly listen. After all, there is no way out but through. Take note that once you slip this record into your stereo and initiate the listening process with World Sick…you may not immediately secure the feeling you were supposing to unearth. It starts off slowly. Drum beats moving you through the initial few seconds and then carefully carrying you away with rhythmic guitar strums in between before you take notice of the lyrics streaming through with “We got a minefield of crippled affection. All for the borrowed mirror connection.That’s why I’m leaving this spoken detention. I’m a romance addict so that I can confess that.” It seems apparent that they knew their intentions when creating this fourteen song tour de force. The word celebratory doesn’t even come close when attempting to describe the inventive purity behind the libretto and multiinstrumental alliances that these folks stand for.

Having been constructed a decade ago by Brendan Canning and Kevin Drew, this army of a band’s combined current line-up consists of the two of them along with five others: Andrew Whiteman, Justin Peroff, Charles Spearin, Sam Goldberg and Lisa Lobsinger. On May 4, 2010 they will release their first new record entitled Forgiveness Rock Record since putting out Broken Social Scene in 2005. Aside from the seven astounding musicians mentioned above, there are also several illustrious talented individuals gracing this new album including but not limited to Emily Haines and Jimmy Shaw of Metric, Amy Millan and Evan Cranley of Stars, Sebastian Grainger, Jason Collett, Jason Tait from The Weakerthans and Leslie Feist. These artists, who also cameo in performances with countless other bands, have also collectively produced more than a dozen albums. By copiously engrossing themselves in the recording process and traveling beyond Toronto into Chicago, they were adept to producing airy, rich melodies. John McEntire, producer and musical idol, assisted the Scene in establishing a crisp new perception on the resonance behind their brilliance and as Andrew Whiteman affirms, “Our biggest influences are ourselves because let’s be honest

Not many bands can touch upon the surface of honest creation because that comes with sacrifice and the members of this non-traditional band know all about sacrifice. All struggles within the group have been personal (struggles with themselves). “Why am I doing this?” “Is it worth it?” Those are the eternal questions of life. With the constant battle of schedules it is obvious that a tremendous amount of dedication goes into breeding new found glory. “People are dedicating most of their time to their family and the Social Scene as opposed to their family, Social Scene and the other three things that they are usually doing.” All decisions within the band are up for deliberation under these selfgoverning circumstances, but there has definitely been enough compromises throughout the years

as to not let those outside their congregation affect their crude reverberations. When you can barely conceive of the people in the room, how is it possible to conceive of the rest of the world? There is absolute potency when it comes to considerable numbers and although they may have come off as unstable or risky at times, their handcrafted genius has built an international fan base that continues to see the light of day. “It’s all about playing live music together. That is the key thing. There’s always an improvising quality to certain things. Songs will come up and people won’t remember how to play them but we’ll play them anyway. I play music with a lot of other bands and they play, more or less, the same set every night when they go on tour and that’s not the case with us.” On their new record you can expect a little bit of an evolved sound but you can tell it’s still them. They haven’t drifted away from what got them started in the first place. The Canadian ideology of community, where there are no borders when it comes to having an appetite for success, allows for Broken Social Scene to dream big and progress toward a distinctive realm where horn solos and drum breaks make way for the densest of phases in-between tracks. The world view they have acquired in the Great White North couldn’t have come from anywhere else in the world and the distance they have from our right winged methods here in California is enough to appreciate boundaries even though they are not necessary. Overall, there’s no reason to give in. The scars of the past are just reminders of the treacherous paths it took to reach such great heights. “We’re all lovers of beauty. But the more sublime form of beauty does not announce herself to anyone.” She will simply move stealthily behind you in her free-form package and sink her teeth into your consciousness; handcuffing you to her reveries. From the instant their new record starts off…it won’t end until you decide to stop playing it on repeat. There’s no doubt that this is a band who captures a moment in time and whose music will stand the test of it.And for all you people out in San Diego, they can’t wait to get back out to you! Go ahead, feel good lost.

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BASS & Treble

FOR THE RECORD

by Cookie Sanchez

Made for stompin’

RAP AND RAIDER FANS

Little Boots Pushes Pop On Her Terms words by: Alex Mendoza photo by: Daniel Sannwald

Few 25 year old people can earn the type of buzz Victoria Hesketh – aka Little Boots – has in the past few years. Her rise on the Internet on social networking sites have earned her a devoted following, that number ever increasing as her various marks in the industry – both musical and visual - continue to defy all expectations. These are the types of stories you read about in books, or see in movies, but Victoria’s success represents a wave of twentysomething year old female artists who are confidently displaying their musical eccentricities; something the industry has lacked in quite some time – a sense of authenticity, or standing out above the crowd. You consider Lady Gaga or La Roux – perhaps even Lily Allen – and their style that has earned critical praise, as well as those hipsters and naysayers that tend to be slightly more reserved with whom they choose to promote. It does not come as a surprise, though, as Little Boots is a charismatic performer, fully devoted to her craft and humble about her current position. As her name implies she is in fact short, but her sound is massive and uncanny. Taking various forms of electronica and fusing them with poplike sensibilities is Little Boots’ niche. Those who enjoy the idiosyncrasies one might find while listening to the electronic structure will enjoy the electronic harmonies laced about, but those who are also keen on partying at a club will enjoy her pop-powered melodies and infectious lyrics. These are fully developed songs that are impossible to ignore – whether you’re a fan of the genre or not. The girl has charm and talent to spare – something people witnessed firsthand at the 2010 Coachella festival. “I’m just grateful and excited to start getting out there and performing. It’s what I love to do. It’s been something I’ve always loved to do,” Victoria exclaims. Her voice is unmistakably British, but it’s the kind of accent that evokes a blush or two. She has looks and style to spare, adopting a cosmic-like aura that matches the music she fabricates. It is more than an image, or some sordid attempt for people to make the unavoidable “trying to be like Lady Gaga” trend. It is an extension of the music – a manner upon which she’s able to further tap into the intriguing musical worlds she offers as a means of aural exploration. Utilizing instruments such as the Japanese Tenori-on, stylophone and laser harp, Little Boots does not seek to break new ground or reinvent the genre. Rather her response is an honest and earnest one: “I’ve always been the type of person to just have fun with what I am doing. I am really grateful – truly – and the hope is with performing at places like Coachella that other people will enjoy what I am offering. It’s an interesting place to be and something you can’t always explain, but I’m always looking forward to each second.”

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Gangsta Rap pioneer Ice Cube has finally released his “Straight Outta L.A.” documentary chronicling the connection between the streets of Los Angeles and the former Los Angeles Raider Football Franchise. Debuting at the Tribeca Film Festival in New York, Cube makes no qwaums about his motive, bring football back to L.A.

M.I.A.’S VIDEO IS M.I.A. Get this, dropping the 10-minute violently charged, nudely laced, drug use depicting “Born Free” video last month not only incited some heated reaction from fans, but Youtube yanked it.Yup.Visitors had to go to M.I.A.’s own website to view the video. Here is the kicker, in a video that shows gingers (natural redheads) getting wrangled up and offed in the desert, M.I.A. and producer Christopher “Rusko” Mercer (who is himself a ginger) said the whole concept started off as a joke. Genocide... HILARIOUS.

RUBIN GOES GOGOL In a band that includes a Russian violinist, Israeli guitarist, Ethiopian bassist, Latin American percussionist, Brazilian rapper and Russian accordionist, could you really not see an eventual partnership with producing guru Rick Rubin? Gypsy punk giants Gogol Bordello have released “TransContinental Hustle” under Rubin’s American

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BASS & Treble

FOR THE CONTINUED... RECORD Recoding name and the union is thus far, a harmonious one. Expect touring through 2011 with the likes of DeVotchKa, Forro in the Dark, and Mariachi el Bronx.

WHO GIVES A FUCK

Trash Talk __________________________________________________________________________________________ words by Ramon Gonzales

“Since the band started we’ve always been our own advocates, regardless of who’s got money to throw or who’s got the longest arms,” emphatically states bassist Spencer Pollard. Since 2005, Sacramento based, Trash Talk, has essentially had one driving factor behind their brand of musical chaos, sheer annihilation. Combining elements of thrash, gutter punk, and second generation hardcore, the result is the kind of live show that has earned droves of fans despite being way to gnarly for modern radio. In fact, in just the short five years of existence, they have already garnered the adulation of punk rock ambassadors like Keith Morris of the Circle Jerks, Joby Ford of The Bronx (who produced the latest “Eyes & Nines”), and Greg Hetson of Bad Religion (also featured). Ten tracks, less than 20 minutes, loaded with unapologetic violence, “Eyes & Nines” is the kind of record devoid of any bulshit. No song longer than a couple of minutes, Trash Talk remains the exception being in figuring out how to translate the dismantling of the live stage onto record. “We feel that each record provides a snapshot of what we’re feeling at the time… but typically stay within a similar doomsday theme.”

Justin Bieber was mobbed by fans in New Zealand and knocked down his mom, Adam Lambert is doing his first solo tour, Susan Boyle had the best selling album of 2009, Bret Michaels is sick but will probably still live and wear that stupid cowboy hat, and Rascal Flatts’ record label is calling it quits. Really... who gives a fuck?

EBERT PENS FOR PISTOLS Titled Who Killed Bambi? film critic and screenwriter Roger Ebert released a script that was initially written for the Sex Pistols and originally titled Anarchy In The UK. The release of the unfinished script was said to be prompted by the death of punk impressario Malcolm McLaren, who was set to produce the film during its inception. Released for “rock historians,” you can find the script on Ebert’s longtime site via the Chicago SunTimes.

LUDACRIS’S BIG JUNK

Glitch Mob __________________________________________________________________________________________ words by M M Zonoozy

Composed of DJ’s Josh “Ooah,” Justin “Boreta,” and Ed “edit,” LA-based trio The Glitch Mob is an incredible sum of parts. Notorious for their edit-heavy sound and live sets, Glitch recently premiered their new album, Drink the Sea, at Coachella. Boreta explains, “It’s further stepped into a kind of hybrid of live electronic band territory.” That territory stems from Glitch’s practice of literally recomposing their tracks live. Similar to Daedelus, Glitch bases their music off Ableton Live, a powerful audio production and mixing software that can be controlled with component devices. Rather than hiding behind lit up Apple logos, Boreta et al face their touch-screen instruments towards the audience and glitch the eff out. Boreta continues,“Really getting in there and actually playing records is something that is important to us.” The trio’s debut album, due May 25th on their own Glass Air label, evolves from their namesake “glitch” sound. In Boreta’s words, “We just wanted to make an album that you could put on your headphones and really sink into.” Whether under a tent at Coachella or through little white headphones, The Glitch has mastered that journey.

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ATL rapper Ludacris is just putting salt in the wound. He is teaming up with Trojan Magnum Condoms to give away 5,000 and a trip to some festival in Atlanta with Luda, for writing a rap song about choosing Magnum condoms before stabbing guts. Really homie?! It ain’t enough that you are ballin’ out of control, but now you gotta rub it in us simple folks’ faces that you are slamming a babyarm into groupies?! Damn Ludcris, I thought we were friends man? I even liked your cameo on Law and Order: SVU!!!!!

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FRESH PRODUCE

KEEPIN’ IT REEL words by Cookie Sanchez

Hold The Butter, Eh, Hold the Popcorn Too. The health conscious Whole Food Market chain is launching a 15-film series nationwide in over 150 cities. Aimed at shining a light food sources and its mass production abuses, venues hosting screenings will include theatres, colleges, and libraries. With titles including the Oscar nominated “Food Inc.,” and “Fast Food Nation,” all proceeds will go to no profit food banks and organizations.

Details at letsretakeourplates.com.

Conan Goes To Cable?

FLICKS

IRON MAN 2 Release Date: May 7th Studio: Paramount Pictures

Finally, a good damn film. Iron Man was a great comic book film that made us believe in the central character, Tony Stark. Well, here it is with more of what you liked in the first movie, but with more stars with more technologically-infused fight scenes. Even better, Cheadle plays War Machine, which is kind of like what you get if you cross Iron Man with a T-800 from Terminator. While I’d normally give this my best vote because it’s a solid action winner, I’m going to give it a final gold star of approval because director Jon Favreau knows what really works to make a classic: a compelling plot with a believable character we can feel for, regardless of the CGI.

MICMACS

Robin Hood

Release Date: May 28th Studio: Warner Bros

Release Date: May 14th Studio: Universal Pictures

A French film that is a satire about the arms industry. The cinematography is absurd enough to keep your attention, and experimental enough to reward you for paying it. While the depth of this film’s particular brand of humor might be lost on an American audience. But what you need to know is that this film is from the same director as Amelie, which instantly converts it to solid gold cinema if you ask my opinion. If you don’t care, than just go re-watch Transformers 2.

Holy Rollers

Takers

Release Date: May 21st Studio: First Independant Pictures

Release Date: TBAes Studio: Screen Gems

Sam Gold is a Hasidic Jew from Brooklyn who gets caught up in a drug smuggling ring working from New York City to Amsterdam.While his family thinks he’s studying to be a Rabbi, Gold falls deeper and deeper into his hidden life as an ecstasy mule for organized crime. Turning away from all the right decisions, Gold and his friends make the wrong ones until everything culminates in a dramatic conclusion. A slice of life in the 90’s, the real wonder is if Eisenburg can pull this off with sufficient gravitas.

Director Ridley Scott has given us many masterful creations, including Blade Runner, Kingdom of Heaven and Gladiator. This is a violent reimagining of a classic character, the archer who steals from the rich, etc., and fights the Sheriff of Nottingham’s despotic rule.You already know the story, so you may as well enjoy everything else, and with Ridley Scott leading the way it’s going to be a hell of a trip, with cinematography that will impress and action scenes that will make you swing a sword.

A group of professional bank robbers who specialize in heists of extraordinary magnitude come together for one last big job. Unfortunately for them, Matt Dillon is a badass detective named Jack Wells, who makes it his mission to stop the criminals…and get a little side of hot revenge. We’ve seen this movie before, so you may as well see something current, but your best bet is that Matt Dillon, who has acting chops like no other, will keep you entertained with his skills. words by Jasen T. Davis

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Under the terms of his exit package after the highly publicized spilt from NBC, late night comedy’s champion Conan O’Brien cannot host any late night show until September. Talks swelled of his move to the Fox Network, but Conan threw America a curveball. TBS landed the motherload and will have another late night show hosted by Conan in November of this year. George Lopez, who helped seal the deal, will move to the midnight slot.

Prison Love Flick Pushed, AGAIN. You would think a film with Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor would have no problem with distribution. Unless said film is about a married con man (Carrey) who falls in love with his cellmate (McGregor). “I Love You Phillip Morris” was schedule for release April 30 but has now been pushed to July 30. Based on the real life story of con man/artist Steven Jay Russell, the delicate subject matter is holding up the train.

Hirsch Takes on Aliens

With a $40 million dollar budget, “The Darkest Hour” will tell the tale of a young group of survivors, clawing their way to continue the preservation of the human race in Russia after an alien invasion. Starring in this thriller, versed actor Emile Hirsch will run the lead for what is likely to be a huge blockbuster in the actor’s dignified career. Filming starts this summer in Russia.

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FRESH PRODUCE

Wood(Y)

Natural Born Killers As the charismatic, yet psychopathic killer Mickey, this has made our best of lists multiple times for good reason.

The People vs. Larry Flynt The fact remains that this film could have been a fucking trainwreck had it been left to anyone else. Woody owns as the larger than life king of smut.

DVDs

The Messenger Available On: May 18th Studio: Oscilloscope Laboratories

While war is hell, The Messenger explores the purgatory that is the home front. Ben Foster, a wounded war vet, is teamed up with Casualty Notification Team vet Woody Harrelson. Harrelson tries to prepare Foster for the task of delivering their unwelcome news but the kid is a natural. The task helps him cope with his own anguish while it stirs a sense of unfulfilled glory in Harrelson’s character who never saw combat. At times histrionic, the movie has equal parts soul and soldier.

tetro

Rock N Roll High School

Release Date: May 4th Studio: Lionsgate In Tetro we get a glimpse of what decades of cinematic experience have taught the great director, Coppola. Film it in chiaroscuro, throw in some color for emphasis, make it dramatic, throw in some sex appeal and write about what you know; here his story examines the strain that creative genius has on the family fabric (sound familiar?). Even if it is not very conclusive it has all the bells and whistles.

You know, there’s nothing wrong with liking a cult classic, but you wouldn’t really admit it to too many people without prompting. Less vulgar than Not Another Teenage Movie and more musically relevant than Grease, it’s a teen flick you don’t have to hide in the depths of your DVD collection. Watch it loud, watch it proud and wait for your grandkids to learn and love every Ramones song in it.

DAYbreakers

Walkabout

Release Date: May 11th Studio: Lionsgate

Release Date: May 18th Studio: Criterion Collection

Imagine a world in which vampires account for 90% of the population and they are running out of blood. Imagine a vampire hematologist with amazing hair and a heart of gold who struggles to save his kind AND the 10% of humans that remain. Imagine staying awake for the exposition between orgiastic scenes of blood and guts. This won’t get Ethan Hawke a statue. And that’s the best news about this film.

Release Date: May 4th Studio: Shout! Factory

Every culture has their version of the ritual that makes a child a man, their coping mechanisms for the society’s needs versus the individual’s needs, their own language. This film juxtaposes two cultures, British and Aboriginal, and reassures us that the human experience is more parallel than it seems; that we are meant to go through this ‘personal’ journey together. This story’s unfolding relies on the visual but the eye-candy never robs the narrative. words by Alexis Amparan

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Seven Pounds With maybe 20 minutes of screen time, Harrelson breaks your heart as a blind beef salesman. Good actors can convince you without saying a word.

White Men Can’t Jump Grey socks and all, Billy Hoyle ran the courts of Venice Beach, CA with Wesley Snipes in style. He was a hustler in a real way.

Kingpin As washed-up, one-handed bowling sensation Roy Munson, Harrelson took an outrageous script and gave us a reason to laugh til it hurt.

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locals only

Destined For The Main Stage

Dirty Flithy Mugs

A testament to the fist flinging, bar room tenacity synonymous with a more East Coast crowd, Dirty Filthy Mugs have championed the brash street punk attitude and mixed in some Celtic flare for the West Coast connoisseur With punchy three-minute barrages and loads of sing-along, these boys remembered to bring the party back to punk.

Willie Rage

AUDIO

Stone Temple Pilots Stone Temple Pilots Label: Atlantic Records Available On: May 25th

If the band’s triumphant appearance at this year’s SXSW Festival in Autin, Texas was an indication of the energy of the self-titled forthcoming release, get in fucking line to buy yours NOW. Few bands can retain the showmanship and legitimacy, all while adding new tracks to their already storied legacy. Weiland is the definitive frontman who manages to use his talents to appeal to generations old and new.

Minus The Bear

Sage Francis

Deftones

Dogg Pound

LI(F)E

Diamond Eyes

Keep On Ridin’

Anti

Reprise Records

Gangsta Advisory

Known for an uncharted mastery of digital effects applied tastefully to whatever indie rock means to you now, Minus The Bear shows real maturity in working with producer Joe Chiccarelli (White Stripes). Still loaded with frenzied drums and spacey guitars, but the band ditched the goofy stuff and got real.

Unconventional in style Francis launches a healthy dose of enlightened criticism. Teaming up with some of indie rock’s noted names, lyricism is where the real appeal to anything Francis is doing settles. Penning poignant lyrics that read like unpretentious, albeit poetic musings, make this disc something you need to give time to.

Since the tragic accident that left longtime bassist Chi Cheng critically injured, the fate of the Deftones remained in question for fans. Saving “Eros” for Chi’s return, “Diamond Eyes” is vintage Deftones. Loud, sexy, fluid, articulate, Deftones remain the last of the heavy bands that never forgot how important a melody can be.

Look, if you remember fondly the old days of shit talking and gang affiliation in rap music, pre the designer fashion label era of rap music, then you are stoked about the return of the DPG. West coast or not, lyrical delivery is always on point with Daz and Kurupt and with some guest spots from Snoop and friends, its worth the listen.

Drops: May 4th

Drops: May 11th

Drops: May 18th

Omni

It’s no secret that West Coast hip-hop has seen better days. While Willie Rage isn’t reinventing the lyrical wheel, a sincere and unapologetic embrace of his West Coast identity is evident in tracks that connect with the soulful approach to hip hop music. A calculated cool, Rage follows the West Coast M.O. of Easy-Does-It.

Gun Metal Groove

Dangerbird Records

words by Felix Ulery

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Drops: May 25th

Fusing boisterous guitar work and rock hooks destined for the airwaves, Gun Metal Groove is another example of the new generation of melody cogniscent musicians, that aim to combine energy and artistry in every track. A cinch for radio programmers across the nation, expect to hear more from GMG.

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BITS & BYTES Spider MEN? Activision is shaking up the standard “Spider Man” gaming formula just a bit. Normally we’ve dealt with the Web Head battling his standard roster of characters. This time out, though, you’ll be able to play as four different versions of the Web Crawler in four separate universes. Two have been confirmed thus far, but the other two remain a mystery. Here’s the hoping that the Zombie Spider Man universe comes into play. Nothing like hearing the sounds of THWIP! THWIP! THWIP! Over the monotonous tones of zombie NOM! NOM! NOM!

GAMES

Halo Movie Will Happen

UFC Undisputed 2010

GENRE: SPORTS/MMA Systems: XBOX 360, PSP & PS3 DROPS: May 25th

UFC games are unique, as they are a direct product of fans that thoroughly enjoy assuming the role of their favorite UFC fighter – immediately engaging in one-on-one matches with their friends. THQ’s latest incarnation receives considerable upgrades and continues its long-standing tradition for immense replay value. Some the latest additions – an in-depth technique roster, unparallelled online competition mode and the ability to raise and train your own UFC fighter make this a must have.

Alan wake

Prince of persia: Forgotten Sands

genre: Adventure Systems: Xbox 360 Drops: May 18th

genre: Adventure Systems: DS, Wii, XBOX 360, PS3, PC Drops: May 18th

Alan Wake follows a writer named Alan Wake, whose wife, Alice, disappears while on vacation in the Northwestern wilderness. He starts to see parallels to a novel he never wrote, noticing the events are manifesting in reality. It’s a mystery/adventure/horror story that methodically peels back the narrative layers. A deeply immersive story will undoubtedly engrave themselves into gamers’ memories: this is a game that must be seen firsthand to appreciate its technical and storytelling achievements.

Seven years have passed since the Prince tackled the obstacles set forth in “The Sands of Time.” This time out he teams up with his brother to fight a nefarious and dangerous force known as The Sand Army. Expect that The Prince can manipulate more than just the space/time continuum. Among the new abilities, the power to freeze water, along with an assortment of spells that will keep The Prince ready to tackle his new foes. Exotic locales and fluid gameplay means equals right direction.

The GAMES YOU LOVE TO HATE

Sonic & Sega all-Stars racing

This is one of the few instances where the game itself isn’t a complete wreck or display of shoddy programming. Rather this steamed diatribe comes from the fact that instead of wasting time creating off-shoot franchise games, developers should actually be focused on making titles that might take their blue hedgehog image out of mediocrity. It’s kind of the same idea that we had about 19 “Mario Party” titles before “Super Mario” found another title. So please developers – more games focused on the original purpose of franchise character would be nice.

words by Alex Mendoza

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Originally Neill Blomkamp and Peter Jackson were ready to rock the movie and gaming universe when it was announced they were be working together for a “Halo” movie. Those talks famously dissolved and gamers’ dreams were ruined, but Frank ‘O Connor – one of the primary players in this movie’s development – stated at the M16 Conference in San Francisco that “we’re going to make this movie when the time is right. We own the IP. If we want to make a movie, the scale of all the other stuff we do changes dramatically.” Nothing like certainty and vagueness to get you by, but at least we’ll EVENTUALLY get one.

Street Fighter 4: The Arcade! The beloved fighting franchise found its popularity in the heyday of the arcade, so it’s fitting that its latest incarnation is getting an arcade cabinet. There is no specific word yet as to what the arcade version will feature, or how the port will be handled. Either way – it will definitely have a few tournaments sprouting up, a la the days of “Marvel vs. Capcom” where the arcade junkies flocked in healthy droves.

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Skinnie girl SOund The Sirens This Trio Of Head Bangers Are Chronic HeadTurners How did you ladies meet? (REGAN) Lora Leigh is our 80’s inspired metal head with big hair and big attitude. Helen is the resident tattooed live wire! And I’m Regan the V8 engine obsessed red haired pin-up girl. (LORA) We met a few years ago and it was love at first sight.

When did the performance trio of The Sirens begin? What was the original concept? (LORA) We had just rebelliously parted ways from a former group and wanted a new start that we could put all our own ideas into. We had previously toured with Motorhead in England so we asked the legend who is Lemmy to help us chose a new name for ourselves. He came up with The Sirens. (REGAN) The Sirens were born into the world in late 2009. We felt it was time to unleash a show on the world with genuine metal chicks with genuine talent. We want to mix heavy metal, fashion, performance and fun, which is easier said then done! (Helen) It’s great to finally own our brand and have full control over our soundtrack and the visuals and props in our show. That’s true for ‘Girl Power’ for you! Regan and myself have worked as professional fire breather/play performers for a few years now and have a few tricks ready for our new show.

The Sirens have a penchant for heavy metal music. Do you find you are a rarity, most fit women aren’t big fans of metal music. (LORA) In England girls try and dress and act ‘rock and roll’ but it’s so obviously fake. It is rare to find real girls that are into it but they are out there. (REGAN) They are out there, you just need to hit the dirty rock clubs to find them. Its not about what you look like (because) you’re right we don’t look like the cliché of girls that are into alternative music, but it shouldn’t be about what you look like. It’s all about your attitude an that comes across in the show, big time.

Regan of

The Sirens

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Skinnie girl

The Sirens have been on tour with Steel Panther in the UK... how was that experience? Lots of partying? (REGAN) Touring with Steel Panther was amazing! It was our first tour as The Sirens and all the venues were packed out so it was a real buzz walking out there every night, especially to a sold out Brixton Academy. (LORA) We had so much fun, for us Steel Panther was the perfect band to support first time round, they are so outrageous and offensive we can’t really piss anyone off. (REGAN) And yes with all the adrenaline pumping and a few bottles of Jack Daniels there were definitely a few interesting parties!

The Sirens will be performing at The Playboy Mansion. Is that kind of leap intimidating at all? (LORA) We have been to the mansion before and its amazing, it is a little intimidating as our show is so different to the other acts but because of that it always goes down well. (REGAN) Performing in so many different environments really keeps the show fresh. You will never see The Sirens perform the same show twice.

Explain what the crowd can expect to see when The Sirens step on the stage. (REGAN) It has to be seen to be believed. Our show and soundtrack is kind of like a journey. Each of us girls have a very individual style so our solo pieces are naturally really varied from one another. (Lora) For the Steel Panther we opened the show with a Lamb Of God song, but we also had Bon Jovi and Def Leppard songs in there too. It’s so much fun to be able to change the songs for every show to fit the event and audience. (Helen) We also do Champagne bar shows in a few VIP clubs, the soundtrack is always a little shocking to the crowd at first but everyone has a great (but messy) time. There is champagne everywhere! I reckon we have definitely got a few of those guys listening to metal. (REGAN) Our show contains elements of strip tease, aerial hoop and trapeze. I’m working on building a bike at the moment…

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Helen of

The Sirens

(HELEN) …So this summer our festival tour will (showcase) her massive burnouts onstage.

Give me five essential records The Sirens demand a fan should have. (HELEN) Pantera – This Love (REGAN) Alice In Chains - Would? (LORA) A Motely Crue Compilation…I can’t choose just one album.

Is it difficult to be in a male dominated genre like metal music? Do you often hear shitty pick up lines? (HELEN) Ha we don’t ever hear any shitty lines but I think that may have something to do with men being scared of us (laughs). (REGAN) I think it can be tough if you allow it to be. We are all performers so it’s a scene full of massive personalities, but because of that we seem to fit in pretty well.

Metal music is much more prominent in Europe. Does that affect your stage show at all in preparing to come to the US? (REGAN) Not really, the only thing we find difficult are the health and safety laws especially in places like LA and Vegas. We don’t really have that in Europe so we are used to getting away with going pretty crazy. I guess our only worry is whether we can make it to the end of the show without being thrown out the venue... Again! (LORA) I think some of the best bands are from the US, you guys have awesome music. (Helen) Yeah no champagne bar shows and fire balls allowed.You guys are really missing out with all these safety laws. www.myspace.com/thesirensofficial

Lora of

The Sirens

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Skinnie girl

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NITTY GRITTY

A Little Glamour

on the Grind

For Olivia Munn, 24 Hours A Day Just Isn’t Enough words by: Alexis Amparan photos courtesy of: Hama Sanders(cover/pg. 50) and G4 Network (pg.49)

That she is beautiful is undeniable. But there’s more. It is equally evident that she is hilarious. Amazingly, she is also strangely accessible. And finally, she’s absolutely real. You may have had the pleasure to meet a girl like this in the flesh. But, what Olivia is doing with her ‘girl next door appeal’ is putting it out there for every man, woman and nerd in suburbia, and beyond; on her show (and hopefully, her new pilot Perfect Couples), on the silver screen, and on the page. And, she still has plenty left at the end of the day for friends, family, and definitely for the future. Since 2007 she has steadily become the face of the G4 Network. It worth mentioning that Olivia didn’t even know what G4 was when she got hired. “I called my brother and my 3 cousins, they watched the show religiously and they told me all about it.” On Attack of the Show one of the most anticipated elements are the gags. And, Olivia is developing a monopoly in this market. She has been in a pool of pudding in a French maid outfit, hosted the show in a Hawaii Chair (which makes her look like a dog in heat) and has been ballooned in the behind by her co-host, Kevin Pereira. And the great thing is she never looks too uncomfortable, except when she can barely keep her poker face on.

So what prepared Olivia for G4? Did gaming play a big part in her childhood? “Well, yeah, I mean we’re Asian so there’s that stereotype which we completely fulfill.” Like most kids in a family of five, “we always got ONE computer, ONE Nintendo, ONE Gameboy.” She proudly states that she “definitely grew up loving video games and playing A LOT of them.” So once she realized what she was working with she became a natural fit for Attack of the Show, G4’s prized pony. Olivia steals the show with her stunning looks and tight-as-a-nun comedic timing. A God given gift of gab makes this job easy for Miss Munn, who admits “I’ve been doing Attack of the Show for so long it is something I could do in my sleep.”

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That’s a good thing because with an ever-growing project list she may have to do the show in her sleep to stay alive. One look at her Twitter and you will see such comments as “been going nonstop and now I’m running on empty. Anyone have any magic? Or unicorn blood?” Well, she must have found a supply because, at the crack of noon, having just awoken, she was bursting to talk about her recent appearance in Date Night, starring Steve Carell and Tina Fey.

Growing up, Olivia and her siblings would crowd around the tube and watch Saturday Night Live. “I grew up with the whole Dana Carvey, Will Ferrell, Cheri Oteri world.” So, getting to work with Tina Fey was “a dream come true.” Olivia nailed it. Although she has limited screen time, she delivers. Olivia plays a snooty restaurant hostess who refuses to let Fey and Carell into the dining room without a reservation, leading them to trick her and almost get killed. Was she nervous? Surprisingly, no. Olivia points out “Tina and Steve are the nicest people in the world, if you got terrified there is something wrong with you personally.” That is not to say that she is beyond getting starstruck; Olivia found that out when she was called to the set of Iron Man 2. From the moment she was asked by, ahem, Jon Favreau to appear in a cameo for the summer, blockbuster, comic-genre sequel the answer was YES. “I jumped at that…I would literally do transport for them.” The moment it became 8-months-pregnant real for her was when she got to the set. “To come on to the set of Iron Man 2 and to be opposite…or just to watch Robert Downey, Jr. and Don Cheadle walk past me; I was done.” Thankfully, this resourceful woman wasn’t done for long. She says “eventually your nerves fall away and you just remember to rely on the thing that got you there.” So refocused was Olivia that she was praised, openly, by RDJ for her improvisational style. Yet, she is humble enough to note “every night I

would go home and look up and go ‘I don’t know what’s up there, whatever kind of greater power, but – Thank You.’ It was awesome.” According to internet sources, she was so outstanding in her cameo that her part was reworked and she was called back for additional filming. Speculations were that she was given a superhero role, the identity of which was rumored to be either Iron Maiden, or The Wasp, or War Machine…what? Some of these rumors have been “started” by Olivia herself, a byproduct of her subtle humor. She has said, straight-faced, “I did all the stunt work for Robert Downey, Jr. so I’m actually Iron Man.” Recently, Olivia has decided to go a “whole new route”; “I’m just saying I’m actually directing The Avengers (another genre film in the works for 2012).” Wow! What a leap! She goes on – “my cameo was so brilliant that they said ‘you know, Olivia, you’ve really got an eye, why don’t you direct all 3 Avengers?’” I guess if you can’t beat the rumor rags, you gotta join ‘em. It’s this type of balls of steel persona that makes her so likable. On a recent interview with Carson Daly she disclosed that she was doing a body cast for a doll. Carson begged for one thing; could they give the doll bigger boobs? Before Carson realized how ill-received his comment was she fires back “could you make your dick a little bit bigger…I like my small boobs…you know one little random thing I hate…guys who tell me to get bigger boobs.” OUCH! Whether it is a Hollywood type or a normal Joe, Olivia pulls no punches and is brutally open. Having recently struck out into the print world Olivia warns, and this may apply to Mr. Daly, “I say to all people who come into my life and act like a douche bag, with all these book deals coming in, I may not name you but the story will live on forever in print.” In Suck It Wonder Woman: Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek, available this July, she gives us a 288-page collection of essays that relate some of the more interesting life experiences of

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Nitty gritty this young woman. What can we expect within the pages? How about a boyfriend from her past with Tourette’s, an agent who showed her pictures of his girlfriend’s vagina, and practical advice on how to deal with the imminent attack of the robots. Oh yeah, she went there. Aside from acting and writing, Olivia has revealed herself to be quite the entrepreneur. Her first development: hoverboards. That’s no misprint. You would think that a Segway would suffice, but Olivia says, nay; “Segways never did it for me, they’re archaic…we’ve had wheels a long time…enough of this leaning forward…I want to HOVER!” And, she makes a good argument for hoverboard technology; “there’s all this available airspace above us, are you telling me you’re not looking up and thinking, ‘I could be FLYING up in the air on a BOARD’.” Besides hoverboards, what turns Olivia on? Having girlfriends. Lots of them. It may surprise you to learn that having “really beautiful, successful, talented, loyal, great girlfriends” was once on her Bucket List, but it’s easy to believe when you picture her nomadic, military upbringing. “It was hard because, moving around a lot, neither girls nor guys wanted to welcome you in…I grew up always loving girls and wanting to have great girlfriends.” She sums up her attitude towards this essential relationship as such – “you have to be open to other women and put away your own shit.” She counts her group of girls as one of the blessings in her life. But in a world with success, loyal friendships and hoverboards if she stumbled on a genie what else would she wish for? “That my family live long and healthy lives without much struggle…and I would wish for everyone to have a collective exhale.” And she’s not talking about the Angela-Basset-tropical-fling exhale either. In her own words “I just think we all have to take a collective exhale and realize that we are all trying to get from A to B… We’re all just on this same earth trying to fucking make it.” And the third would be? “For the US government to stop spending all our money going to war and invading other countries…and put it towards making affordable hoverboards for every man and woman in America…I think that’s the most important thing.”

This girl just doesn’t give up, you know!

Need more Olivia in your life? Buy the book! SUCK IT, WONDER WOMAN! The Misadventures of a Hollywood Geek

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Nitty gritty

COACHELLA 2010 The Sold Out Weekend Makes History... Again

Words by: Ramon Gonzales Photos by: Zog Cottonbee Pool Party Captured for The FoundTrack Collective by: Brian Brown

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Prior to the onset of the three days of music in the California desert press was alerted in no uncertain terms, NO PASSES OF ANY KIND ARE AVAILABLE. Now, understand that even when a show is sold out, sometimes some accommodations can be made and there is usually always a little wiggle room. No this time. Not for Coachella. If you had a ticket in, not only was everyone else around you who didn’t feel least a little green with envy, but you were a part of history. On paper, officials have released a roundabout figure of some 75,000 ticketed attendees on each day. The global spectacle that is Coachella can best be described very sharply, you had to be there to get it. Headlining sets from Jay-Z, Muse, and Gorillaz were destined to be epic, but to turn around and not be able to see the end of the onlookers experiencing the live set, simply jaw-dropping.To take in live performances from timeless artists like Faith No More, De La Soul, Echo & The Bunnymen, Devo, The Specials, Public Image Ltd., at the end of the each day you almost had to look down at your ticket and thank it. Baroness, Ceu, She & Him, back to Temper Trap, Kaskade, and Camera Obscura, FUCK…Yo La Tengo, Gary Numan, Owen Pallet, Imogen Heap!!! The setback is this, its so much to consume you feel bad for having to make Sophie’s Choice. Historic in scope and size, Coachella is a globally conscious collection of art, both audio and visual. And if that’s too deep for you, it’s one hell of a party. Prepare for round 12 or miss out once more.

Beachhouse

Faith No More

Muse

Coheed & Cambria

Julian Casablancas

MGMT

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TOP 100 bands Nitty gritty

AHL GOES ALL OUT TO FIND LOCAL MUSIC’S

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AHL’S/Skinnie’s TOP 100 - Get Familiar

Throwdown

Death By Stereo

Rufio Unless you have actually done it, the grind of an independent musician goes well beyond the pitfalls of shitty gigs. Lots of late nights, lean pockets, and “why am I doing this” sentiment is only offset by the kind of payoff that comes with a crowd that enthusiastically digs your sound. The dichotomy of Southern California’s independent music scene sets a difficult standard for artists looking to emerge from the garage and go legit. No other region on the planet is more synonymous with musicians. From the luster of the Southbay punk rock boom (Black Flag, Bad Religion, X), to the days of excess, big hair, and androgyny on the Sunset Strip (Motely Crue, Poison), to the birth of rap legends in the hood (Snoop, Cube, Dre) – music, musicians – if they aren’t from Southern California, they all know to come here of they want to find stardom. What independent musicians often meet before stardom, is a strong sense of cynicism. You can find live music littered across the Southland on ANY given night, the influx of music that exists here, sadly makes people jaded to the kind of talent that is usually right under their nose. Nick Rosen, and his team at AHL Productions cemented their advocacy for the independent musician this Spring by setting out to find 100, yes, 100 bands that pair their craft with the kind of hustle necessary to standout in Southern California. Over the course of three weekends and three different locations (The historic Queen Mary in

Scott Russ & The Big Big Bang Long Beach, The Shore, and The Galaxy Theatre), some 500 applicants dropped their name in the hat for a chance to participate. Spanning across three rounds, some 300 bands were selected from the field of 500 to step onto the stage and show thousands of attendees just why they should pay attention. With judges combing the crowds all day long, the bands that were invited back to perform for the second and third rounds were critiqued not only on their sound and their stage presence, but ultimately the band’s ability to generate new interest. Rosen explains the criteria for a callback, “ (The bands) that had the biggest crowds in front of them, they would pick up tons of new fans. They were getting popular within the event. The bands were judged on crowd participation, response, popularity, how many people (were) in front of the stage in the beginning of set compared to the end of the set.” Capping off the collection of independent music that functioned much more like a festival then a random assortment of bands, headlining acts including Throwdown, Rufio, Scott Russo & the Big Big Bang, Maylene and the Sons of Disaster, Terror, Death By Stereo, Destruction of A Rose, End The Century, Lower Definition, and Panima gave fans an added bonus with the price of admission and gave the contestants a taste of what it is to support marquee names. Congrats to the 100 selected by AHL on behalf of Skinnie Magazine – stay on the hustle.

11 Five 50 7th Arsenal A Piece of the Action A Sinful Attraction Aces High Against All Odds Allura Always Ready Amity Arms Like Yours Author & Finisher Beneath the Veil Bind Your Wounds Black Oil Blue Embrace Brass Brain Bring Forth The Lies Brink of Day Broken Mortality Crossed Keys Destruction of A Rose Die Valkyrie Dime A Dozen Dirty Suicide Discobang! Dislodic DMT Downshove Dreams Unseen Elixir of An Alchemist Empire El Queda Fall In February Feisty Piranhas Genuine uprising Good Vs Evil Grieve For Tomorrow Gun Metal Groove Harley Quinn Harmful If Swallowed Heroes and Thieves HTTH (Heavenly Trip to Hell) Hurly Burly Ibvia In Her Own Words Inkblots Ironklad Killer of the Rise Killix Kingdom Fall

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Nitty gritty

TOP 100 BANDS

GET TO KNOW

Beneath The Veil

Baby faced and devoid of any cynicism, bands like Beneath The Veil are charging forward to become music’s new generation of contributors. While the band isn’t reinventing the wheel with their brand of metal influenced hard rock, the appeal rests in the crew’s ability to ignite an unassuming crowd.

CROSSED KEYS

Violence On Silence

One of the standouts of the combined three weekends of live performances, the female fronted Crossed Keys boasts a combination of influences ranging from pop to country. Behind the strength of the energetic guitars and sincere passion about their craft, in just four years the band has developed a respectable following that will propel this ensemble to bigger and better.

For fans of the second generation of metalcore,Violence On Silence made sure to stir the pit with a swell of chunky riffs and a barrage double kick pedal. Likened to the Mayhem bands that will tour this summer, guttural vocals, irregular drum patterns, and all the angst you can stomp around to will resonate well with the attendees looking to let loose and slam.

Late on Thursday

Misc. Ailments

Another crowd favorite of the festival, Late On Thursday fused the poppy cadence of radio friendly punk with the thicker, down-tuned disposition of Nu-Metal in its heyday. Empassionated and genuine, this foursome struck a chord with the kids who both knew them and happened to discover something new. Late On Thursday will charge on,

A bit different from a sizable majority of the aggressive performers over the course of the competition, Misc Ailments combine unorthodox instrumentation with creative inspiration, in the form of, George Carlin.Yep, the timeless comedian. So they say. The result is a welcomed change of pace from the circles and screaming, sprinkled with some saxophone.

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(continued)

Late on Thursday Lazarus Casket Leota Librium Love Beats War Lowlife Music Malfaktor Marry Me Judas Misc. Ailments Mix Breed Mix Medix Motive Never Dead Number One Champs NME On the Shoulders of Atlas Osology Outlett Patron Apollo Phantom Communique Poshlust Ready for Vegas Reign of Ruin Remnants of Man Requiem for a Nightmare Sangre Sarasona Seen As the Enemy Sever the Memory Sick Life Silence Betrayed Sober Spike Stay the Night Still Phantoms Straight Jacket Mafia Ten Thirteen The Brandon Ummel band The Generator The Howlers The Last Garage band The Pretty Bad Boys The Rennagades The Strange Cats The Union Sound Trancit Veracity Violence on Silence Watch Us Burn We Cry Crisis Yung Moz

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Photo courtesy of RD/ Erik Kabik/ Retna Digital

SKINNIE Scene

LL Cool J @ Wet republic

INDEX ________________________________________________________________ LOS ANGELES

LAS VEGAS

SAN DIEGO

INLAND EMPIRE

p.060 Weekly Club Listings

p.062 Weekly Club Listings

p.064 Weekly Club Listings

p.066 Weekly Club Listings

p.068 Weekly Club Listings

Calendar Club Pictures

p.061 Vans Warped Tour Kick Off Party @ Key Club

p.063 LoveFest Las Vegas 2010

ORANGE COUNTY

p.065 Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach

p.069 Grand Lodge Tattoo Opening Reception

To Receive Updates on Skinnie Scene Club Listings or To Submit Your Events, E-mail: Update@skinniemagazine.com to be Added to Our Weekly Skinnie E-blasts.

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SKINNIE SCENE Los angeleS

Photos Courtesy of Karen Curley, Harmony Gerber, Sean Myers, Alan Rivera

LA CALENDAR 05.02 Solid Gold @ Spaceland

Falken Tires Launch Party

Long Beach Grand Prix

Formula Drift

JVC Mobile’s Turn Me On Video Shoot

Long Beach Grand Prix

Falken Tires Launch Party

JVC Mobile’s Turn Me On Video Shoot

Formula Drift

Falken Tires Launch Party

05.03 Broken Social Scene @ Music Box 05.05 LUCHA VA VOOM @ Mayan Theater 05.06 Cannibal Corpse @ House of Blues 05.11 Kate Nash @ El Rey Theatre 05.13 James Taylor & Carole King @ Hollywood Bowl

05.14 Dredg @ Troubadour 05.15 A-Ha @ Club Nokia 05.16 Toots & The Maytals @ Key Club 05.18 Massive Attack @ The Wiltern 05.26 Evelyn Evelyn @ Largo 05.27 Little Brother @ Key Club

05 30-31 ReggaeJazz Festival w/ Nas, Damien Marley @ UCLA

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SKINNIE SCENE Los Angeles Vans Warped Tour Kickoff @ Key Club Photos by Karen Curley

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SKINNIE SCENE Las vegas

Photos Courtesy of The N9NE Group & Napkin Nights, Erik Faiivae

LV CALENDAR

05.01 Lupe Fiasco w B.o.B. @ House of Blues

Rain

Moon

Rehab

Wet Republic

Rehab

Audrina Patridge @ Wet Republic

LL Cool J @ Wet Republic

Rehab

05.02 Conan O’Brien @ Pearl Concert Theater 05.06 A Day To Remember @ Fremont East Entertainment District

05.07-09 Punk Rock Bowling w/ NoFX, Flogging Molly, TSOL @ Sunset Station Hotel & Casino 05.14 Toots & The Maytals @ Hard Rock Hotel Outdoor Pool 05.16 Paramore @ The Joint 05.21 De La Soul @ Hard Rock Hotel Outdoor Pool 05.22 As I Lay Dying @ House of Blues 05.24 Frightened Rabbit @ Beauty Bar

05.27-31 The LOVEFEST w/ Z-Trip, Paul Oakenfold, DJ Scotty Boy, Mark Farina & More @ The Palms

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SKINNIE SCENE LAS VEGAS

LoveFest Las Vegas 2010

Memorial Day Weekend The Palms Is All About The Love Photos Courtesy of N9NE Group

Known for cultivating meticulously detailed immersion experiences for partygoers, The N9NE Group has teamed up with Go-Ventures to once again ring in the summer this Memorial Day Weekend with a fourday celebration of music and ambience with Lovefest 2010. Between the myriad of venues The Palms offers, attendees will bounce from The Palms Pool, to Moon Nightclub, Ghostbar, and Rain Nightclub & Pool to enjoy a feast for the senses with sets from global DJ authorities including Armin Van Buuren, Mark Farina, Markus Schulz, Z-Trip, and the re-imagined experience that is Perfecto with Paul Oakenfold. The N9NE Group’s, Sol Shafer, spills the details. What are some of the other elements of LOVEFEST this year that differ from 2009? Our production. This year we are going bigger and better on all production levels. We feel that creating a special experience is a must and by doing so we will stand apart from the rest. On Memorial Day, we will be the launch the brand new Perfecto. We are very excited to reveal what we all have been working so hard on. With headlining sets from both Z-Trip and Paul Oakenfold will there be any new aspects to their live set? Z-Trip and Oakenfold always change their sets to stay current with what is hot.We plan to launch the second version of Perfecto during Love Fest Weekend, which will give the room a brand new look and feel. Since 1992, the LOVEFEST continues to pull new fans. What keeps the festival fresh? One of the main reasons that Lovefest is always evolving is the fact that the people who own it, Go-Ventures, remain current with what is hot and up and coming. They choose talent they feel may be hot in 2 to 3 years and work with these artists during their growth period. Any adjustments to the weekend festivities in light of the economic situation? If you give the guest a great experience, make it affordable and provide excellent customer service, that you can be successful even in difficult times. For example, we are providing an all day ticket for $50 to come and see Danny Tenaglia at the pool and come back later that night for Amrin Van Buuren. This will ensure people leave feeling like they got everything they paid for…..and more. This is a four-day party... Ever a lull in energy over the festival weekend? That’s why we rely on our energy partner, Red Bull…We are super excited for our second year of the Lovefest www.thelovefestival.com

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SKINNIE SCENE orange county

Photos Courtesy of Erik Faiivae, Alan Rivera, and Christian Sosa

OC CALENDAR

05.01 MEST w/ Longway @ House of Blues Anaheim

Cantina Lounge

The Slidebar Rock N Roll Cafe

Cromwell @ Slidebar

Heat

Cantina Lounge

The Slidebar Rock N Roll Cafe

Assuming We Survive @ Slidebar

Heat

Cantina Lounge

The Slidebar Rock N Roll Cafe

05.06 The White Buffalo @ Detroit Bar 05.07 Millionaires @ Chain Reaction 05.08 Alexisonfire w/Trash Talk @ Chain Reaction 05.08 DMF @ Linda’s Doll Hut 05.13 Straight No Chaser @ Grove of Anaheim 05.15-16 Long Beach PRIDE Festival Flock of Seagulls & When In Rome @ Rainbow Lagoon Park (Long Beach)

05.20 Talib Kweli & Hi-Tek @ Grove of Anaheim 05.23 Sweet & Tender Hooligans @ House of Blues 05.28-29 “Lightning In A Bottle” @ Oak Canyon Ranch Irvine

05.29 Dengue Fever @ Detroit Bar

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SKINNIE SCENE orange county Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach Photos by Harmony Gerber and Sean Myers

Keanu Reeves

Tony Hawk

Cheap Trick

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SKINNIE SCENE San diego

Photos Courtesy of Tim Sheppard & Napkin Nights

SD CALENDAR

05.01 Auto Erotique @ Voyeur

Intervention @ Hard Rock

Voyeur

Bar West

Intervention @ Hard Rock

Hard Rock

Hard Rock’s 1 Year Anniversary Feat. Busta Rhymes

Intervention @ Hard Rock

Voyeur

05.04 The Hold Steady @ Belly-Up Tavern 05.05 Mastodon w/Baroness @ House of Blues 05.06 Designer Drugs @ Voyeur 05.14 Cash’d Out @ The Casbah

05.15 Bullet for My Valentine @ SOMA 05.16 Fear Factory @ House of Blues 05.20 Caribou @ The Casbah 05.20 John Butler Trio @ House of Blues 05.22 Minus The Bear @ SOMA 05.25 Talib Kweli & Hi-Tek @ House of Blues 05.27 Landon Pigg @ Anthology

05.29 Kaskade @ 4th & B

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SKINNIE SCENE Inland empire

Photos Courtesy of Erik Faiivae, Tim Sheppard, The ZOG

IE CALENDAR

05.01 Circle Jerks w Municipal Waste @ Fox Theater Pomona

Paid Dues

The Branding Iron

Coachella

The Branding Iron

Paid Dues

Coachella

Paid Dues

The Branding Iron

05.04 Coheed and Cambria @ Fox Theater Pomona 05.05 Wiz Khalifa @ Glasshouse 05.08 Fucked Up @ Glasshouse

05.15-16 “California Metal Fest” w/ Dying Fetus, Fear Factory, Earth Crisis & Oceano @ Fox Theater Pomona 05.19 Foreigner w/ Styx @ Citizens Bank Arena 05.20 Pablo Francisco @ The Improv 05.22 Eagles @ Citizens Bank Arena 05.25 Kaki King @ Glasshouse

05.30 Star Wars “In Concert” @ Citizens Bank Arena

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SKINNIE SCENE INLand empire The Grand Tattoo Lodge Opening Reception Photos Captured for The FoundTrack Collective by: Brian Brown

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Happy Endings words by Eleni Vazquez

TAURUS (Apr.21-May 20) Double check the movie you will be bringing to your partner’s parent’s house. The family-friendly flick you THOUGHT you brought is actually your favorite porn with classic lines like, “Oh Muffy, suck me like a Democrat” and “Say hello to my little friend.” Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21) The Spanish word silla for chair will take on a new meaning, when your friends have to carry your drunken ass like a chair, toss you on their floor and say see ya, as they leave to drink more and you slowly choke on your barf. CANCER (Jun.22-Jul. 22) Maybe it’s time to give up those long-term friends once and for all. As you peacefully sleep, you will be awakened to the sound of a waterfall, only to realize your toes are being urinated on by your blacked out friend. LEO (Jul. 23-Aug.23) Don’t take sex enhancement pills like candy if there is no chance for getting action from your sexual preference. In a genital furry, you and a close friend will wake up regretting last night’s fucking!

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VIRGO (Aug. 24- Sept. 23) Just say no . . . to doing any favors that involve driving a cat an hour away. In the process, the terrified feline will urinate and crap in its carrying cage, while you waste away in traffic, dying from noxious fumes! LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23) If you’re going to lie about getting wild in Vegas, don’t go dancing like an asshole at a club that airs all your moves live on television. Expect some slashed tires.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Maybe this is the month to admit why you love Archer Farms Italian Soda . . . because there’s a cock on it! I know, roosters are totally rad! AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 19) If you STILL can’t find a job and decide to go back to school, don’t let EDD know! Otherwise, you’ll be denied benefits for trying to better yourself. Duh, the government isn’t going to pay for you to go to school to get an updated job; it’s better for them to support your daily beer drinking instead!

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 23) While attending a birthday party that has a bounce house, avoid any drunken attempts to participate in festivities. As you gleefully jump up and down, you’ll lose your balance, slam into the air-filled beam take the entire house down and suffocate all the jumpers. Hope you have funeral money saved.

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20) Ok. Ok. So you don’t like brushing teeth, however, it is a good habit to be in. Otherwise, you’ll be in the black market of dentists, since you can’t afford an accredited office. But it’s cool, they just got all the state-of-the-art equipment, from 1910.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 24-Dec. 21) President Obama might love you and extend unemployment benefits, but all other working stiffs don’t. GET A JOB ALREADY and quit draining the system, because a public list of everyone on EDD is going out and all workers will hunt you down!

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20) Woo boat trip! As you and friends fly down the river from Laughlin to Havasu, watch out for rocks! Mowing over the landscape will throw your ass out and damage the boat so bad, you guys will have to wait hours to get towed back to the hotel. Awesome time!

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