Caught in the Middle

The Asian American First-Generation Crisis

By Sabaina Ahmed

Asian American is defned as an American person who is of Asian descent, but oftentimes there is an internal battle where it can feel as though the term is really Asian or American. Is it possible to be fully Asian and fully American, or half-Asian and halfAmerican? Will there ever be a point where the mind doesn’t subconsciously feel the effects of the biracial tug-of-war? First-generation Asian American students resonate with a similar experience in the struggles they face when moving away from home to attend college. For Asian Americans growing up in a Western world, an internalized grapple with identity can push them to present as one end of their ethnic or racial spectrum, or create a dual identity depending on the circumstance. These students often live a double

life at home and at school. Living in a predominantly white country, it’s diffcult to surpass adopting Western ideas for traditional customs that are not widely understood in America. While there has

been progress towards an acceptance of differences, the natural existence of two separate identities for Asian American students can be an effect of the

frst-generation experience. South Asian American frst-generation students can especially feel this duality as South Asian culture heavily intersects with tradition and religion. Many frstgeneration students from immigrant families are expected to grow up adhering to these traditions, and they fnd themselves branching away once they move for college.

When asked if she adheres to the

presumption of this double-identity, Brinda*, a South Asian American student at the University of Florida answered, “A hundred percent. I was brought up as Hindu, and I personally don’t believe in my religion, but I can’t be open about that when I’m at home.

There was a lot of

encouragement to have a role in it, but I don’t feel that pressure when I’m at school.”

She explained that while the intertwined nature of her culture and religion can feel burdensome due to her beliefs, parts of her culture still heavily influence her life in college.

“Because we’re minorities, it can feel like we’re alone. I love many parts of my culture. I make an effort to celebrate

holidays like Diwali if I’m away from home when I can because it’s a part of me, but I don’t celebrate the religious photos by/ Xinyue Li

foundations of those holidays,” she said. Freedom is a virtue that many frstgeneration students rely on when they’re away from home. The freedoms they enjoy aren’t necessarily rebellious in nature, but they allow students to assimilate and fnd their independence in a world away from their parents.

However, accepting the opportunity for freedom can transcribe itself into a feeling of guilt — for being away from home and leaving family, for feeling like a fnancial burden, for pursuing their own goals, and sometimes for swaying from the traditions that were instilled in them growing up. Brinda mentioned the freedom that she has to make her own decisions and to allot time to the hobbies she wants to pursue now that she’s away from home. “I can hang out with my friends more and branch away from the ‘safe’ hobbies,” she said. The digression from tradition is innocent, but it can feel so grand when compared to the strict and sometimes unspoken rules of a South Asian household.

“I have to remind myself that the two identities I have are actually just two versions of me, but they’re still both me and the parts I choose to show to certain people,” she said. “Part of me accepts this is how life is supposed to be for a minority like me but, eventually, I want to take steps to wear whatever I want and not be so affected by my parents’ criticism — to wear my hair down because I choose to. It’s a huge fear of mine, but I want to get there so bad.”

“...two versions of me...both still me...”

The mental health struggles of Asian American frst-generation students can be comorbid with them being both Asian and American. The toll of brazenly assimilating into Western culture versus the echo of the traditions that shaped their childhood can negatively contribute to the psychological stability of frst-generation college students. Keeping with the perspectives of frstgeneration South Asian American students, Soheyla* recounted her personality growing up and discussed how she fnds herself falling back to it when she’s visiting her home, which has undoubtedly set her back in her mental health journey. “Going back home can be frustrating because it’s so much easier to present myself the way I used to be when I lived at home rather than introduce them to the woman I am becoming, especially when that woman is someone they would disapprove of,” she said.

Soheyla has a compellingly dual identity that she uses in opposite circumstances. She mentions how her Western identity presents liberal, wears whatever she wants, and is outwardly atheist. Her Asian identity is more conservative both in beliefs and clothing and still presents as Muslim.

This is the internal tug-of-war that has encapsulated Soheyla’s life. Around her family, she must present as the latter personality for fear of disappointing her parents for assimilating into Western culture.

The pressure of “bringing honor” to one’s family by attending college can negatively impact mental health, which can affect the grades and performance of students who are already struggling with assimilating to life away from home.

In a recent poll surveying Asian American students at the University of Florida on whether they felt more Asian or more American, over 80% of students responded “American.” Yet, all of the students also said they celebrated a respective traditional or religious holiday. The Western identity that’s part of these students is signifcant to them and allows them to be expressive, but it does not mean that there is no affliction faced in these Western circumstances.

“Going back home can be frustrating...”

Shayla, a student who participated in the poll, described how going to predominantly white schools led to her being bullied. However, she never felt fully immersed in her own culture and didn’t identify with the small group of Asian students at her school enough to feel like she could join them. She describes herself as “stuck in this middle ground limbo of Asian and American.”

Asian Americans face several occurrences like this, which is why issues with assimilation can be remarkably rooted in close-mindedness.

Rahul*, a professional educator, provided an account of a notable day in his childhood at school. His teacher divided his class into two religious groups and instructed them to participate in singing either Christmas carols or Hanukkah songs, but Rahul didn’t know where to go as he was the only Muslim student. He laughed at the memory, stating that he didn’t realize it would be signifcant for him but fnds himself thinking about it every so often.

Existing as a minority in America may fundamentally foster a double identity, which is a collective experience for many students who are the frst to attend college in their families. To battle the internalized desire for a defnitive place on the Asian American spectrum, there is a need for safe spaces and constructive environments that embrace all parts of the Asian American identity. There is no winning side in this tug-of-war, just the acceptance that Asian American means both fully Asian and fully American.

*Names have been changed to preserve anonymity.