Sparks Magazine Issue No. 22 | University of Florida

An Asian Pacific Islander American Publication

THE FABRIC OF THE ASIAN AMERICAN IDENTITY ADOPTEES OF UF WEDLOCK LOCKDOWN

ISSUE 22 | SPRING ‘22

at the University of Florida

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at the University of Florida

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA

UNIVERSITY OF CENTRAL FLORIDA

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Amy Nguyen MANAGING EDITOR Zahra Saba FINANCIAL DIRECTOR Isha Harshe PROMOTIONS DIRECTOR Zeba Khan CONTENT EDITOR Raisa Zaman PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Mridula Singh PROGRAMMING EDITOR Amy Pham DESIGN EDITOR Dencie Devora CONSULTANT Samia Almagir

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Asma Ahmed SENIOR ADVISOR Zohra Qazi SENIOR ADVISOR Chelsea Della Caringal FINANCIAL DIRECTOR Natalie Nguyenduc PR DIRECTOR Grace Casanova COPY EDITOR Andy Cabezas COPY EDITOR Zoey Young COPY EDITOR Kissimmee Crum WEB DESIGNER Liana Progar LEAD PHOTOGRAPHER AJ Johnson LEAD PHOTOGRAPHER Reggie Ocampos LEAD DESIGNER Denise Ferioli LEAD DESIGNER Reagan Hollister PR MANAGER Narmeen Chanda

WRITER Olivia Hemilton • Sanikaa Thakurdesai • Khoa Hoang • Anagha Hesarghatta • Sayona Jose • GRAPHIC DESIGNER Ana Sorto • Trianna Nguyen • Prakash Vasanthakumar • GRAPHIC DESIGNER & WRITER Padma Vasanthakumar •

WRITER Isabella Conol• Mari Koerner• Danielle Porres • Suasmita Dey • Narmeen Chanda • PHOTOGRAPHER Nathaell Avril Leman • Sydney Damas • Medhavi Radadiya • Suasmita Day • Anna Pham • Narmmen Chanda • DESIGNER Ilise McAteer • Manaal Sheikh • Kacey Walsh • Sunitha Kishore • Niat Ghebrieal • Mayumi Porto • Arianna Flores • PR Breanna Pham • Kaila Garton-Mileer •

COVER

NATIONAL BOARD

PHOTO Daniyah Sheikh DESIGN Mercy Tsay MODEL Layla Lee

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR Jason Liu CHAPTER DEVELOPMENT DIRECTOR Aleem Waris MARKETING DIRECTOR Ingrid Wu DEVELOPMENT DIRECTOR Chelsey Gao FUNDRAISING MANAGER Kim Moya CHAPTER MEMBERSHIP DIRECTOR Catherine Le CHAPTER MANAGER Bryant Nguyen ALUMNI RELATIONS Catherine Le SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Sally Zhu SENIOR GRAPHIC DESIGNER Esther Zhan INTERN Jade Wu WEB DEVELOPER Chris Tam

FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA FACEBOOK @Sparks at the University of Florida INSTAGRAM @UF_Sparks_mag TWITTER @UF_Sparks_mag sparks-mag.com

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E-BOARD

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Marium Abdulhussein • MANAGING EDITOR Karen Zhang • FINANCIAL DIRECTOR Jackie Truong • COPY EDITOR Hanna De La Garza • COPY EDITOR Loryn Smith • DESIGN EDITOR Aryam Amar • DESIGN EDITOR Mercy Tsay • PHOTO EDITOR Daniyah Sheikh • PR DIRECTOR Xinni Chen • PR DIRECTOR Jackie Truong •

STAFF

WRITER Susie Chen • WRITER Morgan Hurd • WRITER Dzung Nguyen • WRITER Keil Lapore • WRITER Aliza Ahmed • WRITER Sana Motorwala • PHOTOGRAPHER Annika Thiim • PHOTOGRAPHER Uyen Le • PHOTOGRAPHER/ DESIGNER Sarah Husney • DESIGNER Lauren Shee • DESIGNER Navya Nair • DESIGNER Mya McGrath • DESIGNER Kate Lynne Pudpud • DESIGNER Tiffany Vivi Nguyen • PR Tammy Nguyen • PR Vivian Chen

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A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR DEAR READER, I am so honored to share Issue 22 with you all! Like many others, this semester was such a significant learning experience for me. I came into the role of editor in chief as a copy editor and felt extremely overwhelmed and out of my depth. Luckily, with the help of my amazing team of editors who had my back, we were able to create the beautiful and insightful stories you’ll see today.

I joined Sparks in 2020 amid the COVID-19 pandemic.

With the lack of in-person events, Sparks gave me the social interaction I craved as a lonely freshman looking for

people who were like me. As editor in chief, it has been truly amazing to see the connections and relationships new and old members have built with each other this semester. It reinvigorates my desire to lead and be a part of such an exceptional organization.

This issue aims to further the definition of the Asian American experience as it covers the often untold and underrepresented stories of Asian Americans. Whether it is the loss of Asian identity many adoptees are forced to cope with or the struggle Asian artists face to be celebrated for their accomplishments, the stories in this issue describe an uphill battle many fear they must fight alone. In this issue, we hope to bring light to these stories and show others that they are not alone in this clash of culture. By coming together and sharing our stories we hope to promote a sense of harmony for each individual.

This issue would not be possible without the hard work of not only my Executive Board members, who worked tirelessly to meet the quick deadlines in a tumultuous transition period, but also to the staff members, both old and new. While each article takes only a few minutes to read, it underscores the amount of work put into each individual spread. A majority of the Sparks staff are not journalism majors, but they had a passion for writing and a story they wanted to tell. This passion is weaved through every word, pictured in every photo and displayed in every design. I could not be prouder of the work they have done.

SINCERELY, MARIUM ABDULHUSSEIN EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT 06 SANA MOTORWALA

THE FABRIC OF THE ASIAN 08 AMERICAN IDENTITY KEIL LAPORE

ADOPTEES OF UF 10 MORGAN HURD WEDLOCK AND LOCKDOWN 12 ALIZA AHMED

AASU: MISSED NOTIFICATIONS 14 MERCY TSAY

BREATHING IN IRIDESCENT ASIAN 16 AMERICANA DZUNG NGUYEN

INTERNATIONAL STORIES UNTOLD 18 SUSIE CHEN ON BEING ASIAN AND HAVING 20 ADHD UCF CAITLYN MARI

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT

How chicken tikka masala continues the colonial legacy

T

1) Get the in gred

Recipe

ients

tikka is made only on special occasions.

Khan also characterized chicken tikka masala as not being authentic South Asian food, calling it “[translated from Urdu] the food of white people.” However, Khan provided an explanation as to why chicken tikka masala is the default food for many non-South Asians when they go to a restaurant. He stated that he does not believe that chicken tikka masala is their favorite South Asian dish, but rather “they are scared to try everything else … they do not know what they are expecting, but they do know what to expect with chicken tikka masala.” The dish does not have the same concentration of spices that other South Asian cuisines have, and as such, chicken tikka masala is “mild, creamy, tomato-y, and has its boneless chicken” and much more appealing to non-South Asians.

There is inherent hypocrisy for the love of chicken tikka masala, which Tariq explains through her experience as a South Asian American. In many non-South Asian countries, particularly those in the West, chicken tikka masala is widely loved; however, South Asians, to whom chicken tikka masala belongs, are not extended the same sentiment. Most South Asian cuisine has a tendency to leave a lingering smell, which leads to the stereotype of all South

: chicken, to paste, chili, mato paste, chicken tikk onion a masala se 2) Create the asoning mix base/masala by mixing togethe 3) Marinate th r spices e chicken with the spice blend 4) Serve with and cook either naan or rice

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photos by/Uyen Le

most people buy their spices, Khan stated that he and the other employees grind the spices themselves, which was the impact of adding more flavor to the dish. Other ingredients involved in the process include tomato paste, onion paste, and “mirch,” the Urdu word for chillies. According to Khan, chicken tikka masala takes a lot of time to make, from grinding the spices to making the base and marinating the chicken, but is worth it, considering that chicken tikka masala continues to be the cuisine that attracts many people due to the fame associated with its title.

The reality of the dish is that despite the excitement surrounding chicken tikka masala, South Asian people tend to not eat it on a usual basis – or even consider it a hallmark of South Asian cuisine. Instead, many see it as an erasure of their culture and a continuation of the colonial legacy imposed by the British on South Asia.

Sara Tariq, a 20-year-old Pakistani student at the University of Florida, stated that she has only seen the dish in Indian restaurants. She further established that she “never even knew chicken tikka masala existed until she went to an Indian store.”

The only real presence of chicken tikka masala in South Asian food is the meat, otherwise known as the tikka. Even then,

design by/Navya Nair

he distinctive aroma of chicken tikka masala lingers in the air inside Britain’s various curry houses. The popularity of chicken tikka masala in Britain has led it to be dubbed Britain’s national dish, but the title is based on the claim that chicken tikka masala was created on British soil by a South Asian chef. The popularity of this dish is not contained solely in Britain; however, which contributes to its disputed origins.

Chicken tikka masala has especially become the icon of South Asian cuisine since its conception in the 1970s, specifically to the South Asian community in Great Britain. With all this being said, what exactly is chicken tikka masala, and how does one make it? According to Britannica, chicken tikka masala is “a dish consisting of marinated boneless chicken pieces…and then served in a subtly spiced tomato-cream sauce.”

Abdul Khan, one of the employees at the famed Indian restaurant Tikka Express in Gainesville was kind enough to share his recipe. First, he established that he makes the “base,” which is otherwise known as the masala or curry. This base consists of a combination of various spices, including “[translated from Urdu] turmeric, cumin, and coriander.” While

Written by Sana Motorwala

Asians smelling bad. This stereotype has cultivated many insecurities among South Asians. When Tariq was younger, she would try to defend herself from those making racist remarks. “I have so much perfume,” she said. “I literally douse myself in chemical-filled lotion from Bath and Body Works.” Thankfully, many older South Asians have come to the realization that the scent of their food is not something to be ashamed of, yet the persistence of these stereotypes has had harmful effects on young South Asians. The disconnect between the treatment of South Asians and the simultaneous aestheticization of their culture is a source of frustration for many and continues to be a persistent problem that plagues the diaspora communities.

Chicken tikka masala has been a source of pride and economic prosperity for the British. Their famed curry houses made chicken tikka masala their “token dish,” which made many British people claim this dish as theirs. The disconnect between the portrayal of chicken tikka masala as South Asian food and its status as a British dish is a selective way to uphold South Asian culture. In her article “Chicken Tikka Masala Multiculturalism: The United Kingdom’s Continuation of Past Colonial Practices,” Humna Rub, an alum of Arcadia University, posits that chicken tikka masala has been used as a way to portray British society as accepting of different cultures, thus coining the term “chicken tikka multiculturalism.” Rub further states that the “United Kingdom government is being performative in nature” by utilizing this concept. This is evident in a speech given in 2001 by Robin Cook, the former foreign secretary of Britain. Cook stated that chicken tikka masala is a fusion dish, as chicken tikka is an Indian dish, while the masala was added “to satisfy the desire of British people to have their meat served in gravy.” This was used as evidence to show how it is “a perfect illustration of the way Britain absorbs and adapts external influences.” Despite the seemingly positive way that chicken tikka masala is accepted

by Britain and its people, in the end, only parts that were palatable to the West were incorporated into the fusion dish. When sentiments on South Asians changed, so did the outlook on the food inspired by their cuisine.

Now, the curry houses that are so

characteristic of British food are on the decline.

According to AJ+, a digital news publisher owned

by Al Jazeera, the rise of British nationalism has led to several exclusionary immigration policies to be set in place, some of hich restrict the flow of immigrants coming from both Europe and outside of Europe. There has been a restriction of South Asians specifically, which can be intrinsically linked to Islamophobia in Britain. Islamophobia has been a growing sentiment that was created by the U.S. declaration of the “war on terror” in 2001.

Additional contemporary events, such as the 2001 Oldham Riots in the UK, have played a role in the rise of anti-Muslim sentiment. According to a Manchester Evening News article written during the time of the riots, the Oldham riots stemmed from “an argument between two teenagers,” which had the effect of becoming one of the darkest riots in Oldham. The riot was sparked by two boys fighting with a group of Asian boys who were playing cricket. This subsequently escalated when a woman called her brother, claiming that the Asians, who were of Pakistani descent, were kicking down her door. Various men arrived after that and attacked South Asian people at random. Damage was inflicted and people and property continued on for various days.

“South Asians are subject to seeing their culture be praised in one aspect, yet discriminated in another.”

In their article “Islamophobia, Community Cohesion and Counter-Terrorism Policies in Britain,” authors Yunis Alam and Charles Husband further established the implications of this riot. They explained that the repercussions of this riot are that instead of addressing how racial tensions arose from class inequalities between whites and Asians, the riot was said to be a result of “deviant Muslim practices.” This then led to a great Islamophobic sentiment that began to characterize British politics and has eventually culminated in the

systematic prevention of South Asian migration into Britain.

Islamophobia in Britain is not a new narrative that emerged in the wake of contemporary events, in fact, it can be seen as a continuation of the colonial and imperial legacy left by the British.

The British constructed the Muslim “other,” which was meant to separate Indian Muslims and Hindus, consequently making India easier to conquer.

Ali Mian, a professor of religion at UF, further established the role that Orientalism and colonialism have played in the construct of the Muslim “other.” While the British physically left South Asia in 1947, Mian asserted that “colonial ways of thinking still persist.” The reality of colonialism is that it was not just territorial conquest, it was a cultural conquest that aimed to rob the identity of South Asians. As explained

by Mian, “the form of appropriating culture becomes a form of containing culture.” For Mian, the flurry surrounding chicken tikka masala in the West could be considered a form of cultural imperialism that seeks to usurp the identity of South Asians.

While chicken tikka masala is not a staple food in South Asian households, the fact is that the dish has become the icon of South Asian cuisine. Despite the valorization of chicken tikka masala, South Asians face discrimination on a daily basis, whether it be through racism, Islamophobia, or the aestheticization of their culture. South Asians are subject to seeing their culture be praised in one aspect, yet discriminated in another. Chicken tikka masala, while at the surface level being a commonly-eaten dish, is rooted in the colonial legacy that simultaneously benefits off of the culture of others while also discriminating against those people to who the culture belongs.

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The Fabric of the Asian American Identity Written by Keil Lapore

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T

photos by/ Annika Thiim

hroughout the celebration of Asian American milestones, a point often overlooked is the significant contributions made in the fashion industry. Fashion, as both a scholarly discipline and an established industry, has been structured through a white-centered narrative. The systematic neglect of minority artists contributes greatly to the one-dimensional stereotypes given to marginalized communities which effectively exclude their opportunities in the creative world.

By tracing the history of the expanding Asian American voice in the anthology of fashion, the influence and importance of cultural vibrancy can come to light. Over the past several decades, Asian American designers have rejected the idea of a monolith by establishing a contemporary vision of fashion absolved from the conventionalized perception of an Asian aesthetic.

design by/ Lauren Shee

Historic Timeline

European interpretation of Asia’s cultural fashion was strictly conducted through the Western gaze and thus neglected important distinctions between various countries. Instead, they developed a blended, misinformed generalization of what became known as oriental characteristics. Consequently, the voice of Asian influence in the West began as a loud and culturally erroneous force in the creative world. This started a long and complicated history of Eastern exoticism and the troubling aestheticization of a misinterpreted, monolithic “Asian” identity.

The next relevant wave of Asian fashion emerged in the 1970s, when the United States experienced a sudden comeback of oriental motifs in both high-fashion and eventually as a large trend in everyday clothing. Designated as the peak of Chinese influence on American fashion, the ’70s unsurprisingly had little to no representation of Asian designers within the industry.

Fashion trends within the ’90s and early 2000s further exhibited the growing influence of the Asian-inspired aesthetic, particularly with the rise of Americanized versions of the Qipao. Frequently worn by socialites and fashion favorites such as Nicole Kidman and Kate Moss, these generalized and appropriated designs became a symbol of a high-end and avant garde craze. The appropriated trends of these decades sustained the cultural aesthetic mimicry established in the 16th century.

Despite discouraging and misrepresentative trends in mainstream media, the high-fashion world was experiencing an 8 | SPRING 2022

unprecedented wave of transformative collections from Asian designers throughout the 1970s and onward. The birth of the modern contemporary voice of Asian fashion in the West can be attributed to a handful of international designers. Radical and aesthetically experimental designers, such as Rei Kawakubo and Yohji Yamamoto, challenged the Eurocentric world of design with their avant-garde authenticity.

Although Western journalism struggled to distinguish these artists’ work from their preconceived notions of Asian heritage, Kawakubo and Yamamoto continued to redefine and expand the space for Asian designers within the industry and beyond.

International designers were known for often deconstructing common tropes of the Western fashion aesthetic. One can look at Yamamoto’s unconventional and original takes on androgyny during his fashion shows, or Kawakubo’s iconoclastic’s vision and modernization of asymmetry and notice distinct separation from the Western perception of fashion.

Modern Day Standing on the shoulders of giants, working modern-day designers, such as Anna Sui, Vera Wang, and Phillip Lim, are a few examples of the many distinctive Asian designers dominating the fashion industry. In an interview with Teen Vogue, distinguished designer Phillip Lim discussed the influence of his heritage on his

models/Tanya Baner & Hinza Bhugri

From Asia’s first interactions with the West in the 16th century emerged the Eurocentric style of Chinoiserie design. Chinoiserie design utilizes Chinese motifs and East Asian artistic techniques in Western art. Blooming global trade routes established a sense of European fascination with otherness, particularly with decorative motifs of the Eastern world. Despite falling out of vogue within the following decades, Chinoiserie foreshadowed the cycles of inauthentic cultural representations of Asia in the Western sphere to come in later years.

work. Lim expressed that “the dialogue should be being Asian is not a design aesthetic; it’s a people, it’s a race, it’s the culture.”

Recognized for his highly successful work in women’s fashion and New York streetwear, Lim reflected that “the Asian in [his] designs is nothing you’ll ever see, it’s everything you feel.” Lim’s enlightening statements highlight the cultural and creative shifts that have developed over time.

Last year, the University of Florida’s Chinese American Student Association held their Mid-Autumn festival, Operation Mooncake, which exhibited a vibrant fashion show of traditional Chinese clothing. Co-directors Jason Gao and Kim Walters provided some insight on the significance of integrating culture, fashion, and creativity. Walters explained that including this fashion show in their event was an integral segment because self-expression allows individuals to “showcase the aspects of their identities that are most important to them.” Gao further explored the significance of traditional fashion, elucidating that “the original traditional clothing is a part of the Asian American identity as it serves as a memory.”

significance of fashion and the creative world. As Walters described, fashion “is truly such a strong form of activism” and a significant outlet “to demonstrate cultural pride.” Throughout the complicated and transformative history of Asian influence in Western fashion, Asian designers have fought to become recognized and distinguished through their individuality. The growing diversity of characteristics applicable to the Asian diaspora is integral to breaking the mold of society’s perspective of the AAPI identity. Fashion, as a tool of establishing a person’s sense of self, has the ability to greatly influence the world.

Through expressing the individuality and creative diversity of the Asian Americans, the fashion industry can externalize the rich inner lives and unique perspectives within the community.

Despite the overwhelming progress and increased inclusivity of the Asian diaspora in Western fashion, a lack of diversity of communities prevails. Kristina Rodulfo, previous editor at publications like ELLE, POPSUGAR and InStyle and current Beauty Director at Women’s Health, offered her insight as an Asian American working at the forefront of the beauty and wellness industries.

Rodulfo said, “Fashion, beauty and media in general tends to favor narratives that focus on the East Asian experience, which as someone Filipino, isn’t always something I can necessarily see myself relating to.”

The voice and image of Asian American fashion and identity is dominated by East Asian designers and artists. “While I’m always happy to see Asian representation and work being recognized,” she said, “I do think that the lack of Southeast Asians and South Asians when talking about the Asian experience or Asian influences in fashion, art and beauty means that people of those backgrounds have a bigger hurdle for representation.”

The striking lack of Southeast and South Asian representation in creative and artistic spheres reveals a plethora of deeply-rooted problems in the portrayal of the Asian identity. In acknowledging the gap between the disproportionate levels of inclusion, it becomes pivotal to address issues of modern colorism and colonialism. As the fashion industry adapts to their increasingly diversified population, more Southeast and South Asians are able to receive their well-deserved and long overdue place in fashion.

Rodulfo concluded with a message of hope, “Thankfully, things are changing – Deepica Mutyala the founder of Live Tinted, for example, loves to uplift all women of color but especially her fellow South Asians in all her campaign imagery, product inspiration, and collaborations. It’s really inspiring to see, and I hope we see more of this in the beauty industry!”

Following the rise of hate crimes against this community in the past few years, Asian American Pacific Islanders continue to mobilize in solidarity with one another. Within the overwhelming, multidimensional approaches to understanding and combating discrimination, it is deeply important to not overlook the

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Adoptees of UF

The Gray Area of Belonging Written by Morgan Hurd

Family: A Disconnect

“I felt like I wasn’t really a part of the family.”

According to US Department of State – Bureau of Consular Affairs, there are about 1.7 million adoptees in the U.S. Adoption is not a topic commonly talked about, and many adoptees do not realize the effects it has on their life until a later age. Tan said that a commonality between adoptees is the development of anxiety and depression. An indescribable comfort is felt when one interacts with another adoptee and is able to share experiences and feelings. It is eye-opening to know that one is not alone and the feelings are valid.

A common trend regarding disconnection to family is that those adopted into white families feel a disconnection of some sort to their family due to being a different race vs. those adopted with at least one parent of Asian descent felt more comfortable around their family, even if the parent was of different ethnicity.

Ellie Uchida-Prebor, who is adopted from Chongqing, China, Disclaimer: It is understood that every adoptee’s story and feelings will be different. This article is based on personal experience and the experiences of those interviewed.

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models/ Ellie Lazari, Ellie Uchida-Prebor, & Michele Juskowitz

“I would say originally when we would have reunions with my extended family, I would feel sort of a disconnection just because I was adopted so young, but also when my parents were older, so my extended family is much older than me.” Lazzari goes on saying, “I felt like I wasn’t really a part of the family. They didn’t make me feel that way, but that’s just how I felt because me and my sisters were the only ones who were adopted.”

design by/ Kate Lynne Pudpud

Tony Tan, a psychology professor from the University of South Florida, said that during his qualitative research of adopted children from China, he discovered that adoptees typically form attachment issues. This stems from the traumatic process of being handed off to an unknown person and never seeing their original caregiver again. The child either clings to the parent because they are all that is there or attempts to deject them. From a young age, an adoptee may feel uncomfortable around their family, but they are not able to place words into their feelings until later in their life. It can be discovered later that this is a feeling of disconnection from those one is supposed to have the strongest bonds with. Ellie Lazzari, an adoptee from Foshan, China, by two white parents, shares the ways in which she felt distant from her family.

photos by/ Nawal Amir

Children learn what society’s view on normal is through experience. Through social interaction and stories, it is learned that families look alike. Young minds do not necessarily realize the differences between one and their family members until it is pointed out to them.

The realization of not looking like one’s family is something experienced by Michele Juskowitz, who was adopted from Guangdong, China, to a single, white mother. “She [Juskowitz’s mom] has told me that when I was little, I would always say that we look exactly the same. Mind you, she has brown hair and blue eyes, not dark brown hair and brown eyes. Afterwards when my mom tells me this, I’m like, we look nothing alike, you’re full-on Caucasian.”

is among those, with her mom being Japanese and her dad being American. When asked if she feels a disconnection from her family she stated, “Not really, because they’re all really super supportive. And my dad speaks fluent Japanese.”

In-Between The trend mentioned earlier continues into the theme of identity.

Since Uchida-Prebor grew up around some type of Asian culture, her feelings of identity are not as conflicting.

Identity plays a big role in anyone’s life. Finding one’s place in the world and figuring out who one is and how they identify is a challenge for everyone, especially during the teenage years of discovery. For an adoptee, this can be a particularly difficult challenge as they have to grapple with not only the typical identity factors of sexuality and personality but culturally as well. The main confusion regarding identity pertains to not knowing which community they fit into – too Asian for the white community and not Asian enough for the Asian community. Tan pines this as being a “perpetual foreigner.”

Identity struggles regarding the unsureness of where one fits in culturally can play a role in the way friend and peer groups are made, whether they be knowingly or subconsciously. For UchidaPrebor, who grew up in a predominantly white community up until high school, making friends in college that were of the same race was not particularly hard even though she didn’t grow up in the same type of household. She said that when coming to college, she personally reached out to people on Instagram asking if they would like to hang out and even joined the Chinese American Student Association and danced with them at their Chinese New Year celebration this past February.

The experience differs for Juskowitz and Lazzari. Much of their limited cultural experience came through a Chinese New Year festival that they would go to with the group of girls they were adopted with. Though they participated in this celebration, they never really knew what exactly it was they were celebrating, nor the stories and traditions that accompanied it.

“I never sought out friends that were Asian,” Lazzari said. “I don’t know why I felt uncomfortable. I feel so Americanized that, yes, I am Asian, but I know nothing.” Lazzari continued and said that even now she still doesn’t feel as comfortable being friends that grew up in a typical Asian

household, though she is growing past it. “I would feel connected to them. I feel like when I was younger, I didn’t feel like I fit in, but now I feel like I have the confidence and I want to be part of that group and just be more involved and get to learn more.”

“It’s weird because I don’t know the culture and so it just feels like…you’re trying to imitate something and it doesn’t feel very genuine.”

Putting into words why one does not feel as comfortable making friends that are also Asian can be of difficulty. Juskowitz describes it as a feeling of disingenuousness. Juskowitz spoke of an occasion last semester where someone came up to her and spoke Mandarin. When she said he didn’t speak the language, the man switched back, but Juzkowitz was left feeling awkward throughout the interaction.

“It’s weird because I don’t know the culture and so it just feels like…you’re trying to imitate something and it doesn’t feel very genuine,” she said.

A Community Being an adoptee is not solely a negative experience. “If I wasn’t adopted by my parents,” Lazzari said, “how different my life would be right now. I would not be here and I wouldn’t have met the people I have and experienced the things I have. I just think that’s crazy to think about and that it’s really cool I ended up where I am right now.”

Though there are adoptees out there who prefer not to talk about being adopted or don’t see an importance to it, those who do may help guide others to a more comfortable mindset.

“I think it’s special,” said Uchida-Prebor. “I got lucky with three cultures, so I think it’s something I like to show others. I had a lot of younger friends who were adopted and they were a bit shy about it, but after talking with me, they were like it’s cool to be adopted.”

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Wedlock and Lockdown

The effects of COVID-19 on South Asian weddings

F

Written by Aliza Ahmed

inally, the day she’s been waiting for. The day she’s been dreaming of. A bride’s wedding day. After months of planning the theme, the decorations, the reception and the guest list – it is finally time. She gets ready, her family members helping her into her dress and ensuring that she looks her best on her special day. Once she’s ready, she is escorted – not to a wedding aisle, but to her… living room?

In front of her are her family members smiling and taking pictures – not in person, but through a Zoom call. She and her spouse-to-be say their wedding vows, and just like that their virtual wedding is complete.

Thus, one can see that the impact that the early pandemic had on traditional weddings was drastic. Wedding planner

photography by/ Sarah Husney

While this may seem like a far-fetched, exaggerated scenario, this has been a reality for many getting married during the COVID-19 pandemic. Large, extravagant processions are reduced to short services. Milelong guest lists are capped

to a handful of close and immediate family members, with the rest of the attendees being faces on a screen or voices through a phone, congratulating the couple from afar. While these are necessary measures to ensure everyone’s safety, they are far from what many imagine when they think of their wedding day. Those who could not afford to push their wedding date back held a majority of their wedding virtually, maintaining social distancing. An article from ABC News Australia focused on one couple getting married entirely over Zoom. “Instead of the groom circling the sacred fire by her side – an important rite of a Hindu marriage ceremony – he was beamed in from Sydney onto Ridhi’s computer screen via the video conferencing platform Zoom.”

design by/ Tiffany Vivi Nguyen model/ Esha Sattar

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and coordinator Kiran Mohan of Sonaa Events expressed the difficulties she faced in early 2020. “The wedding that I did in 2020 ... one family was from India,” Mohan said. “They were lucky enough to have flown in before the travel ban, so that was a little bit of a pickle.”

“Our 300 -plus guest list shrunk down to just three.”

The travel bans and restrictions issued in early 2020 caused those having weddings to rethink their entire itinerary.

Asian weddings – more specifically, South Asian weddings – are wellknown for their extensive guest lists and celebrations spanning several days.

Hence it is no secret that the pandemic and the health regulations that came with it had a major impact on similar important cultural practices. Anna Price Olsen, writer for Brides, an online bridal advice website, wrote an article exploring weddings that were held early in the pandemic. One couple, Jasmine and Avneet Singh, had planned to have a traditional Punjabi wedding. “The actual day was far from what we had ever imagined.”

Kamila*, a bride from Orlando who tied the knot in a traditional Indian-Muslim wedding ceremony in the summer of 2021, expressed her dismay about some family not being able to attend due to COVID-19, “I was definitely sad since 90% couldn’t make it, but I was happy they were able to join me through Zoom.”

Even in 2022, after such restrictions have been lifted, traveling comes with its risks. Jennifer Coenen, travel writing professor at the University of Florida, recently attended her nephew’s IndianSyrian Orthodox Christian style wedding this year. She noted that there was a large number of people at the event, but that there would have been “One or twohundred more people at the reception if it hadn’t been for COVID.” Again, the reduced attendance was due to fear of spreading COVID-19 via inter-state and

international traveling.

While nowadays drastic measures such as hosting weddings entirely online are scarce, there are still lingering remnants of early-pandemic health procedures that remain in use for most celebrations with large gatherings of people. According to Quartz India, for weddings planned during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2021, about 59.05% of couples prioritized the vendors’ vaccination status. Kamila required all guests to be vaccinated at her wedding, as she “wanted everyone to be safe especially since we had a lot of elders coming.”

In addition to this, as per any large gathering of people, masks were expected to stay on unless eating or taking photos. Modifications to how food was prepared and served were not uncommon to see as Kiran described, “Sikh weddings for example, for longer services it [food] had to be pre-plated.

For buffet services they had to have servers behind plexiglass or masks.”

While necessary for health reasons, the sight of servers behind walls of glass and masks may be off-putting in contrast to the open, all-you-caneat buffets typically seen at wedding receptions.

“It was just kind of weird to see at a wedding.”

Now, in 2022, with mask mandates lifting and vaccines at easy access, people are beginning to open up again to the idea of large gatherings. While now there is no obligation to wear masks, there is still the option to do so if one feels it is necessary. Coenen stated that she and her sister “chose specifically to wear masks,” mainly due to the fact that they had traveled from the coasts of the United States, “We didn’t want to bring

anything to anybody and we didn’t want to take anything home with us.”

Despite the initial hardships, after two years of living in a pandemic, people began to adjust. Kiran explained that, for many of her clients, the pandemic “changed their perspective on life, meaning they don’t necessarily need the gigantic floral arrangements, they don’t necessarily need the big elaborate live food stations. All they needed was close family and friends to be able to celebrate that union.” Coenen described a beautiful and heartwarming fusionstyle wedding ceremony between her nephew and his wife-to-be that went off without a hitch despite the pandemic.

She and her sister wore traditional saris and lehenga outfits with glammedout decorative masks to match, participated in a Mehndi party, a traditional milk ceremony, and even walked her nephew down the aisle on his wedding day. She stated, “I had such a wonderful time, it was a very meaningful experience in my life.”

Kamila remarked that – as expected of a wedding – her wedding was “an exhausting day but it was a beautiful one, surrounded by the people I love.”

When asked whether there was anything she missed having at her wedding that she could not have due to COVID-19, Kamila said, “Honestly, just my family that couldn’t make it. Other than that, the whole wedding went perfectly and I couldn’t have asked for anything better.” *Name changed to preserve anonymity of the interviewee.

the

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by Mercy Tsay

The Chinese American Student Association had their Chinese New Year show on February 20 titled The Tiger and the Child .

They had several traditional performances including lion , dragon , and round fan dances.

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The Organ Vietnames e i St annu zation held udent al Tet a Wa show rrior – Asc their They on F ent of eb h stunn ad a fu ruary 12 n i . mode ng fashion ny skit, a rn an s h ow, d and perfo rman tradi and ces Danc e. from tional VSO

Design by/Mercy Tsay Photos courtesy of/ Priscilla Chun, Hoang Le, Katie Pacini

The Korean Undergraduate Student Association hosted Seollal , a celebration of the Lunar New Year, on February 26.

Their theme was ‘Count Your Lucky Stars’ and they had plenty of stars such as Ace Company, Florida Korean Culture Dance Art: Jang go, and of course KUSA Dance .

Asian Kaleidoscope month has multiple events celebrating Asian culture throughout Ma rch and April . March 3 ma rked the beginning of those eve nts, starting with the Openi ng Ceremony. There was foo d, performances, and special introductions from this year ’s MX. AASU Pageant Contestants.

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Breathing in Iridescent Asian Americana An exploration of the hidden legacy of Asian American art By: Dzung Nguyen

A

many identities. On the contrary, there are also artists who choose not to focus on their past to pave a new road forward attempting to define for themselves what their art means.

Professor of Asian American art history Mark Johnson explained,“It’s a big decision that artists make. Do you look back to try to construct a missing legacy or do you plug in?”

Asian American artists often create prominent works, but they still aren’t seen.

Toshio Aoki was apremier Japanese American artist of the late 1800s and early 1900s.

His work covered a plethora of topics from indigenous peoples to his own Yao C.J. 1979, Building Reflections, Silkscreen. Yao was born in America but is Japanese heritage. ethnically Taiwanese.

Aoki’s prolific life sat him at the Humble same tables as J.P. Beginnings of Morgan, and J.D. Rockerfeller, gentlemen who were Asian American Art Though not apparent to the art world, considered the richest men in the Activists Emma Gee and Yuji Ichioka Asian American artists come from world. first coined the term “Asian American” innumerable backgrounds and their Despite the in 1968. Asian American art had art traverses remarkable themes. existed at least 119 years by then. Returning to Weakland, her art intellectual value of his work and his Beginning in 1850, large groups of followed traditional Chinese styles seeming importance, his work seldom Chinese immigrants migrated to the and depictions, such as calligraphy appears in museum collections. This and nature. This was done in an exemplifies the ways in which Asian West Coast of the United States to work in gold mines and on attempt to understand her ancestors, American art was omitted from railroads. They brought with them bridging the gap between her history. traditions of distilling the beauty aWestern perspective and Eastern of nature in paintings or drawings. appearance. There are many Asian Even when recognized, Asian These works depicting American American artists like Weakland who American artists suffer unimaginable flora and fauna would birth Asian employed their art to reconcile their prejudice. Another artist Maya Lin, 16 | SPRING 2022

design by/Mya McGrath

These works embody lives lived both Western and Eastern. With their hands, Asian American artists engrave their experiences onto the world, tiptoeing between their double lives as foreigners and natives to the United States, telling a different perspective of what it means to be American.

American art. It wasn’t until much later that Asian American art would get any recognition. In 1968, artist Anna Wu Weakland held her first exhibition in Stanford’s Cantor Art Center, which happened to be the earliest exhibition explicitly devoted to Asian American art.

photos by/ Uyen Le

rt museums around the nation are hiding something. Not between the floorboards or buried in the archives, but sitting on their walls.

Asian American art has been sneaking its way into these artistic institutions, piece by piece. For over a century, they have smuggled themselves onto pristine walls to show their significance, but only now are they getting recognized.

who designed the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, was tormented by the public when her ethnicity was revealed.

Both the exclusion of Asian American art and the open ostracism make it apparent that Asian Americans have a long way to go before their art is appreciated.

Why Asian American Art is Rarely Seen Lin and Aoki’s stories are not unique, instead, they contribute to the larger issue of the institutional invisibility of Asian American art. Aleesa Alexander, assistant curator at the Cantor Art Center, posited in her article “Asian American art and the Obligation of Museums” published in Panorama: Journal of the Association of Historians of American Art, that everywhere in the art world, there’s a lack of interest in Asian American art. She continued that this may be caused by the fact that there was no interest to begin with, which is validated by the ubiquitous whiteness of the art world.

One of the leading issues in the exposure of Asian American art lies in its preservation. In 1940, Chinese Americans were able to be acknowledged as citizens to the United States. As Asian Americans were deemed to be part of the U.S. so late, so was their art. This would encourage Asian American artists to strive to be heard.

Organizations, such as Kearny Street Workshop (KSW) and Godzilla: Asian American Arts Network, formed quickly following in succession during the 1970s to promote Asian American art. However, these institutions were only created with the intention to advertise and publicize Asian American art, not to protect it. That was the duty of the museums that house the art, a responsibility they have consistently failed to uphold as a result of the lack of interest in Asian American art, the conservation of this beautiful genre has suffered too. This led to Asian American pieces being safeguarded by the families of the artists, rather than by museums.

Oftentimes, when kept by families, they are lost along the way. This loss has culminated in hundreds and thousands of Asian American art pieces disappearing with time. This further exacerbates the marginalization of Asian American art.

This change has already been seen recently with the heightened awareness of the inherent and significant value that Asian Americans have. On March 13, 2020, Trump declared COVID-19 a national emergency. Since this declaration, according to an NBC article, hate crimes against Asian Americans have increased by 339%.

Finding strength in numbers, in a new age of activism, people gathered behind “Stop Asian Hate,” a slogan and campaign which started March 16, 2021.

“There will be a day when Asian American art history will be recognized as significant to the story of American culture.”

This new age of activism has allowed advocates of Asian American art to speak. Realizing how much historical neglect Asian Americans have faced, museums across the United States are reaching out to finally hear the stories behind Asian American art. Expert voices like Carlos Villa, Mark Dean Johnson and others are leading this dialogue. This opening is the chance for Asian American art to finally find its place among collections to be preserved, admired and seen.

How the Tides Have Changed As Johnson, quoting Stanford professor Gordan Chang,

Yasuo Kuniyoshi. 1934, Untitiled, Oil on canvas.

said “There will be a day when Asian American art history will be recognized as significant to the story of American culture.”

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INTERNATIONAL STORIES UNTOLD A Look at Experiences that Cross Borders Written by Susie Chen

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Zhang quickly learned that his textbook teachings were not socially applicable in daily English conversations. Instead, he observed that his American friends would greet their friends with the phrase, “Hey, what’s up?” For international students like Zhang, this cultural greeting is

While most international students can confidently say they speak English well, the remaining 9% statistic still exists, and its impacts on communication between international and American college students can be powerful. For international students, being able to communicate with locals and make life-long friendships can make or break their college experience.

It is the times where language and culture intersect that make each language beautiful and unique, but the intersection can be a language challenge for international students.

In an interview with lecturer Thomas Dolce at the English Language Institute, he explained that one of the biggest differences he notices between American and international students is their social etiquettes and

models/ Xiangyong Zhang & Nunnapas Temridiwong

According to the U.S. News and World Report, the total number of international students enrolled at American universities in the 2020-2021 academic year was approximately 914,000 students, a 15% decrease relative to the prior academic calendar. At the University of Florida, the International Center reports 5,919 international students enrolled in the same academic year.

Lee Daryeong is a second-year media communications student from South Korea, and she experienced a similar situation. “I was taught to ask, ‘What are your hobbies?’ if I wanted to know more about someone’s personal interests,” Lee stated, “but when I came to America, Americans would ask me ‘What do you do for fun?’ or ‘What do you like to do during your downtime?’ and that confused me.”

design by/ Sarah Husney

Soon, the boy finds himself drifting off to sleep, and when his eyes open the next morning, he sees his parents waving goodbye to him. After a grueling day of flying, the boy finally exits the plane. He inhales deeply and takes his first breath of “American” air. As he exhales, he thinks, “This is America.”

Zhang Xiangyong is a third-year business management student from Sichuan, China, and he expressed that there were instances in daily conversations that his English language textbooks did not prepare him for. Zhang shared, “In China, I was taught to say ‘Hello. I’m fine. Thank you, and you?’ as a typical response when someone greeted me.”

“This is America.”

photos by/Sarah Husney

omewhere in China lies a 19-year-old boy struggling to sleep. As he stirs in bed, h e mentally checks off the important documents his parents have been nagging him about all week long.

SEVIS fee receipt? Check. I-20, passport, and visa? Check. TOEFL score? Check. Admissions letter?

Check. Immunization records? Check.

COVID-19 vaccine card? Check.

not taught in textbooks, causing international students to misinterpret the friendly gesture and often respond quite literally.

S

A 2016 census on self-assessed English speaking reveals that of the 915,000 international students, on average, only about 9% of students say that they do not speak English well. Despite this strikingly low percentage, this mere statistic does not undermine the experiences and struggles international students endure when learning to speak English as a second language in their home country.

Nunnapas Temridiwo

ng

responses in an academic setting.

international students in a social dilemma.

“In high school, American students are taught to enter college lecture halls quietly if they are late and exit quietly to use the restroom without needing to ask for permission to do so,” Dolce said. “Some of my international students will knock on the door and apologize for being late to my class which is not customary in American colleges.”

International students tend to underutilize services provided by universities because they are unaware of the existence of these types of support. Students like Layla have expressed that finding and joining student clubs was especially difficult because the idea of tabling was foreign to her, and she was unaware of student organization fairs.

Asian international students contribute to American higher education by enriching the college experience with their cultural and intellectual diversity. As the number of international students enrolling in American universities continues to drop, it becomes increasingly important for universities to uphold their competitive edge and continue to attract international students. While doing so, educational institutions must ensure that the education, student organizations, services provided, and staff are culturally sensitive to give international students the best American college experience possible.

Lee, a student of Dolce, also noticed differences in her social etiquettes in academic settings versus her American peers. Lee stated that “American courses are more interactive, and professors encourage students to ask questions whereas, in South Korea, students are expected to take notes as the professor lectures from start to end.”

Social etiquette in academic settings can be taught and learned, but some social etiquette like ordering food, which is often tied to culture, can only be learned through trial and error. Nunnapas Temridiwong is a second-year computer science engineering student from Bangkok, Thailand, and she initially struggled with her friend when placing an order at Subway.

“Some of my international students will knock on the door and apologize for being late to my class which is not customary in American colleges.”

“My friend ordered a sandwich with a specific type of protein, but she received the wrong order due to a language miscommunication between the Subway employee and her,” Temridiwong said.

Temridiwong and her friend were both limited by food terminology and were unsure about the socially appropriate action to take. Should she return it and ask for a refund or quietly trash it and buy another sandwich?

While the answers to these questions are clear to American students, these types of situations can put SPRING 2022 | 19

Story Provided by University of Central Florida

ON BEING ASIAN AND HAVING ADHD T

Confused and somewhat afraid, I turned to my friends with concern.

Logan was notoriously known as the most annoying kid at my elementary school. While he was undoubtedly intelligent and was even enrolled in the Gifted program, it could be said that “he didn’t apply himself.” He couldn’t sit still for his life, letting his arms sloppily flop around and he’d always try to talk to the kids around him in the middle of a lesson. We knew that he had ADHD, but we never were given a proper explanation as to what that meant. On top of the other issues he was dealing with, we were making his life even more difficult.

Up until my diagnosis in the eighth grade, I always thought of ADHD as something only chaotic white boys could have. The Logan Disorder. So, you could imagine my shock when the psychologist who did my testing sat me down at the beginning of my debrief and told me—an organized, generally quiet girl—that I had the same diagnosis as Logan. Of course, being fairly older and slightly more educated about ADHD as a concept, I could definitely empathize more with kids like him.

Their restlessness was just a part of who they were. It is pretty miserable to be glued to your seat all day long and feeling like you’re going to implode if you don’t move. In all honesty, I felt the same way myself. I just could never imagine myself being able to act in the way those kids did. If any of my relatives saw me behaving 20 | SPRING 2022

I know I’m not the only person who feels like this. Why is ADHD known as the rowdy white boy disorder? Why do we never think of Asians or Pacific Islanders?

Asians and Pacific Islanders are often under researched in psychological studies and as a result have been severely underdiagnosed compared to other racial groups. According to a recent chart by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, ADHD is more than twice as likely to be diagnosed in boys rather than girls– and that’s without race in the equation. For every 11 white kids that are diagnosed with ADHD, only 3 Asian kids are diagnosed. Native Hawaiians and Pacific Islanders aren’t even included on the chart; only asterisks and dashes appear across their rows, indicating that for this group, there is no significant data being collected.

Even when Native Hawaiians and Pacific Islanders are included in ADHD research, they are lumped together with Asians so for both parties there aren’t any separate sets of data, causing unnecessary confusion.

This is all thanks to good ol’ systemic racism served with a side of cultural bias. Asian Americans are commonly referred to as the “model minority,” the racial minority group in the United States that seemingly has it all,

design/Manaal Sheikh

“What did he say?” I asked in disbelief.

“He said that you have the Logan touch,” one of them responded dryly, starting to pick up her pace again.

“You know the Cheese Touch from ‘Diary of a Wimpy Kid’? It’s the same rules as that but Logan is the cheese.

Anyone who touches him, even if it’s a total accident, is treated like Logan until you touch someone else to get rid of it.”

in that way, they’d be calling the local odaisan to purge me of any curses that could have been placed upon my family and I.

by Caitlyn Mari

he first time I had heard of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, also known as ADHD, was when I was introduced to the Logan Touch. I was in fourth grade walking to lunch with a couple of my friends from class. While we were chatting about whatever problems 9-year-olds face, I felt a fingertip jab the back of my arm and a kid from another class exclaimed, “You have the Logan touch!” He ran across the courtyard into the cafeteria, giggling triumphantly.

despite how they were treated throughout the nation’s history. They are often stereotyped in a seemingly positive light and are described as orderly, motivated, smart and obedient. It has been statistically proven that Asians tend to have higher levels of income and academic achievement compared to other groups in the U.S., but this success equally has a cost. This monolithic conception of an entire race is harmful because it fails to consider the tremendous amount of pressure being put on Asians to perform well, no matter what their background is. Asians who aren’t considered to be “exceptional” by society’s standards–people who get average to poor grades, aren’t a part of all of their schools honor societies and/ or have career interests or hobbies that their parents or community don’t approve of–may feel like who they are at the core is inherently wrong. Self-esteem is hindered and confidence becomes dependent on purely external factors.

It further excludes the fact that most Southeast Asian groups are largely left behind in this so-called Asian American Dream. The U.S. Census revealed in 2019 that Burmese American households make a little over $40,000 in annual income while Indian American households bring in over $120,000.

Also, I cannot emphasize this enough, but there are barely any studies conducted on learning disability symptomatology among Pacific Islanders. In an article by Liu & Alameda, the researchers point out that even though Native Hawaiians are signif icantly more likely to have a diagnosis compared to nonHawaiians, there is still a large gap in mental illness research about them. These weren’t even official diagnoses; this statistic was a result of a survey sent out to Natives that only asked them diagnostic questions. Most school authorities, psychologists and psychiatrists fail to grasp the weight of context and permit unconscious bias seep into their decision making. A predominantly white workforce failing to question their own biases and stereotypes makes Asian kids silently suffer.

“Don’t bring shame onto the family” is a phrase that was gradually chiseled on the surface of my amygdala throughout my childhood. The traits of poise, tact, and modesty were some of the most important traits to have in my family. Gender didn’t make a difference in how this was upheld; boys and girls were equally expected to act in a respectful way. My grandmother was the primary enforcer of this concept. She taught my mom and her siblings that they shouldn’t eat or drink at the same time they were walking; nobody was allowed to go out with unironed clothes; public displays

of affection were inconceivable as well as talking about politics, religion or money. This all boils down to one point: you cannot act out of line. Being disruptive, impulsive and ill-mannered were looked down upon the most, especially if you were in public.

A lot of other Asians can probably relate to this. I was raised in Hawai’i for most of my early childhood, swimming in a melting pot of Polynesian and Asian cultures who all upheld collectivist ideals and mores.

Collectivist cultures are characteristically known to emphasize the needs of the group–specifically the family–over the needs of the individual. Elders are held to the highest level of respect and their word is the final say-so. When the family elders are happy, the individual can be happy. When the family elders are upset by something you do, something about you needs to change; or, if you did something beyond forgiveness, you may even have to leave the group entirely.

This loyalty to the family is known as filial piety and causes the people within the group to repress their emotions and individual wishes. Confucianism additionally plays a foundational role in many East Asian cultures, which emphasize keeping social harmony, respecting elders and embracing education to the fullest extent.

There is a tendency for Asians to avoid seeking out mental healthcare services.

A 2007 study conducted by the University of Maryland School of Public Health’s research team investigated the major stressors of Asian American students. One of the top reasons as to why Asians strayed away from mental health services was because discussing topics related to mental health was considered to be taboo, leading many people to dismiss or deny their symptoms. My mom can attest to this: in Hawai’i, it was considered highly taboo to go to a psychiatrist when she was growing up. “We were brought up to think that only crazy people went there,” she explained. “That’s just it. If you go to a psychiatrist, you’re a crazy person. It’s something we just didn’t talk about. And it never came up in our family where someone said ‘I want to talk to someone.’ My mom would say that ‘Crazy people only see a psychiatrist.’”

It wasn’t until later on in her life that my mom would talk to a psychologist, which she attributes to my dad who was already seeing one. It took her a while to finally get her there, but to her relief her psychologist was also a local Japanese man who fully understood her cultural background. In another study titled “Cultural perspectives on attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: SPRING 2022 | 21

A comparison between Korea and the U.S.,” researcher SeokYoung Moon discovered that Korean children having a disability or mental disorder reflects negatively on parents and other authority figures, which in turn causes their parents to blame themselves for their child’s perceived “deficiency.” This belief further exemplifies how filial piety and Confucian ideals hinder people from seeking help even if they desperately need it.

After my family and I moved to the mainland when I was seven, it seemed like every other week my parents received comments on how “well-behaved” their children were. I remember how pleased my mom would look passing this information on to my little brother and I, giving us a little speech about how lucky her and my dad were and that we were so mature for our ages.

“That’s just it. If you go to a psychiatrist, you’re a crazy person.

It’s something we just didn’t talk about. And it never came up in our family where someone said ‘I want to talk to someone.’ My mom would say that ‘Crazy people only see a psychiatrist.’”

As I got older and made increasingly more decisions that jeopardized this high standing with my mom or other authority figures, I became hyper aware of my behaviors and attempted to limit the amount of offenses I could potentially make. A majority of my friends had neurodivergent traits as well (and in the future were coincidentally diagnosed with ADHD) so thankfully I had them to relate to, but with my other peers, I didn’t feel like I was taken seriously. Learning to mask behaviors that felt normal to me, like getting overly emotional around others or gushing over my new favorite topic of fixation, felt like my only key to success. I abused my medication and turned myself into a productivity machine, watched countless YouTube tutorials on how to “properly” conduct myself in social situations (whatever that means) and would stay quiet about my political beliefs and morals even when I felt strongly about something.

This method of trying to blend in worked for a while up until my sophomore year of college when I finally burnt out. I felt like I lost countless parts of myself by this time; I had no hobbies, my friendships and relationships felt faulty because I wasn’t showing up as my true self and when I looked in the mirror all I could see was a total, complete fraud. I would compare myself to my other friends with ADHD who I perceived as more successful, hilarious and creative; they seemed to know how to make their diagnosis work for them rather than let their diagnosis control them. I felt like I couldn’t fit the stereotypical Asian definition of success or the cool, witty and girlboss ADHDer that those neurodivergent TikTok accounts love. Discounting all of my unique traits and 22 | SPRING 2022

accomplishments by contrasting myself with the people I love, the people I found community in, made me feel unworthy of their presence in my life. Furthermore, it minimized my loved one’s own struggles and insecurities when I put them on that pedestal.

Today I can finally say that I am starting to pick up the pieces of my identity that I thought I had lost and fit them together in a way that is empowering and uplifting. It’s taken lots of introspection, difficult but honest conversations with others and practicing radical self-compassion even on days where I feel like a formless blob. Letting go of generational shame is no easy feat and is a slow process. Dismantling racial stereotypes is even more difficult, especially when we are surrounded by people who still buy into them everyday. Collective healing is only possible when we take it upon ourselves to question what we’ve been conditioned into. It also means that we need to redefine a new normal for what ADHD looks like (so our first introduction to it isn’t something that resembles the Cheese Touch) and what it means to be Asian American. We can maintain our cultures and identities without the presence of shame within it. And for my neurodivergent Asians reading this who are still figuring it all out: take your time. Give yourself hugs and let yourself cry and allow yourself to feel everything you were holding in for so long wash through your body–immerse yourself in it. Talk to others who you feel comfortable with about your feelings when it’s appropriate. Teach yourself what your needs are and ask for accommodations when you feel ready; you aren’t any weaker for knowing what you want and need to thrive. You are enough and always have been enough.

photo by Daniyah Sheikh mural by Jenna Horner Art SPRING 2022 | 23